Marriage Should Bless Both Parties

One reason there’s so much talk about gay marriage is that many people believe that traditional marriage has failed. The Christian divorce rate is outrageous even though Christians know that God intended that one man and one woman should marry for life. People see that we can’t handle this life, why should they care what we say about the next life? Divorce wrecks our testimony and dishonors Christ, so it’s important for you to know how to help people fix their marriages.

When someone's lost in the despair of sin, we present "God's Simple Plan of Salvation" which can turn a life around immediately if people believe it. Similarly, "God's Simple Plan of Marriage" can turn a marriage around immediately if people believe and apply it.

At the time my wife and I were married in 1971, most of our friends and colleagues were already divorced. We had a good marriage but we didn't know why ours worked when so many others didn't. We started reading the Bible and talking to people to figure out how God had intended marriages to succeed. We started from three assumptions:

1) God created men and women so that we could be very happy in marriage. Nobody gets married with the intention of being miserable. Since God, the bride, and the groom all want the marriage to succeed, when a marriage goes bad, SOMETHING WENT WRONG.

2) God gave us the Bible to help us understand how to relate to Him and to each other, studying the Bible would help us understand God's plan for marriage.

3) Applying God's plan for marriage would fix whatever had gone wrong and turn a bad marriage around.

It took us more than 30 years, but we've finally figured out that God has a simple plan to make marriage work. This blog gives our understanding of God's plan and explores various topics which feed into successful marriage.

God's Simple Plan of Marriage
describes how we believe God intended marriage to work. Marriage is a lot simpler than it's made out to be.

Are You God's Friend?
It's difficult to relate properly to your spouse without having a proper relationship to God. A man who sees God as a bully is likely to bully his wife, a woman who sees God as a bully is likely to resent her husband no matter how he tries to nourish and cherish her. This paper explores the way God desires that His people relate to Him.

The Holiness of Marriage
This paper explains why marriage should be considered to be a holy act ordained by God. Modern society treats marriage far too causually.

How Ruth Found Rest in the Home of Her Husband
explains how Ruth used Naomi's advice to find a good marriage and shows how today's young ladies can learn from her example. It's a rare young lady who knows what having a man in her life costs. Many women get involved with men who aren't worth the cost and end up walking out. Assuming he doesn't beat her, the main difference between a good husband and a bad husband is that a good husband treats his wife well enough that she doesn't mind what he costs her. This paper helps a woman understand the cost so she can wait for a man who's worth her life.

The Perils of Premature Perception and Proclamation of Pairing
Pairing off too early places young people at risk.

Toy or Treasure?
American society teaches girls to act like toys. When Janet Jackson performed at the 2003 Super Bowl, she let a man chase her, nuzzle her, and rip her clothes off. President Clinton and Kobe Bryant treat a woman like kleenex - honk in her and throw her away. Boys throw toys away when they get tired of them.

A woman who'd rather a man stay with her than play with her has to take the initiative and explain that she doesn't want to be a toy. If all he wants is toys, he can find lots of other women, but if he won't treat her as a treasure, she should walk away. This paper explains the issue in more detail and suggests how girls can insist on being treated as treasures.

What Do Women Want?
explains what women desire from marriage. A woman who doesn't know what she wants isn't likely to get it and she surely can't explain her needs to her husband. If she explains before they get married, he can decide whether he'll be able meet her needs and part friends if he can't. If he won't listen, of course, she should have nothing to do with him.

Discussion Points for Couples
Few young people have any idea what the other gender expects from marriage. This paper is a collection of one-liners which are intended to encourage discussion. The more discussion of inter-gender issues before marriage, the better it works out.

What Evolution and History Teach About Marriage
One of the first comments about this blog was a request to analyze marriage from an evolutionary and historical point of view. Leaving out the Bible gives the same answer; both history and evolution show that long-term survival is most likely when marriages have long-term stability.

Biblical Leadership
gives examples of leadership from the Bible. The better our leadership skills, the more we can accomplish.

God Tells You How To Prosper
discusses what the Bible says about making money. There are two reasons this topic is relevant to succeeding in marriage:

1) Many marriage problems can be traced to a lack of money. While this is usually caused by selfishness in that both parties want to spend the money on their own needs instead of on family needs, making more money can help.

2) Bible teaching about making yourself more valuable to a boss helps you be more valuable to your friends and to your spouse. Being a better, more cooperative person helps your marriage.

God's Simple Plan of Marriage

One reason there’s so much talk about gay marriage is that many people believe that traditional marriage, that is, one man married to one woman for life, has failed. Christians divorce as often as the unsaved; we’re no better at being married than the lost. If Christians can’t handle this life, and divorce means we can’t, why should anyone care what we say about the next life? Our divorce rate wrecks our testimony and dishonors Christ, so it’s important for you to know how to help people fix their marriages. The first step is to show that marriage should be too wonderful to describe:

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: the way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19

The way of a man with a maid, that is, marriage, is so wonderful that one of the wisest man who ever lived, could not describe it. Even under the inspiration of God, all he could say was, "I know not."

Marriage should be wonderful, this man is so glad to be coming home to be with his wife that he’s skipping:

The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8

He’s rushing home, that’s where he wants to be. She misses him so much that she’s ill when he’s away:

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am sick of love. Song of Solomon 5:8

God says that marriage should be wonderful. The Bible also says that the bride and groom want it to work:

But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34

God says that married people want to please each other. God created men and women so that marriages should work:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14b

"Prudent" means thinking ahead. This verse teaches that a woman’s prudence, that is, the way she thinks, is of God. Men, God made your wife’s mind the way He wanted it, don’t mess with her mind, changing her is the Holy Spirit’s job, not yours.

Here’s one key to successful marriage, this is part of Proverbs 31 which tells how to be a wonderful wife. Preachers point out that there are few Proverbs 31 women, but what about Proverbs 31 men? What’s the one duty of a husband according to Proverbs 31?

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28

God teaches that men are supposed to praise their wives. Being praised by her husband and children makes a wife happy. But this verse from Ecclesiastes is the clincher. Ecclesiastes says that nothing a man does to have fun or live a worthwhile life works:

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. Ecclesiastes 1:14

Solomon listed many things that won’t give you joy:

I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: … I sought in mine heart to give myself unto wine … I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: … I got me servants and maidens … I gathered me also silver and gold … Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:1-11

Solomon tried it all, he found that there’s nothing you can do to make yourself happy, with one exception, and that’s marriage:

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9 ***

Solomon taught that God-given marriage gives joy. Music, hunting, TV, sports, it’s all vanity. All you have in this life, men, is your work and your wife, that’s it. Other interests can become a form of adultery. When God’s people "go a-whoring after other gods," He calls it adultery. When a man values sports, or hunting, or any other activity more than he values his wife, she thinks of it as adultery.

That’s Mere Logic

God wants marriage to be joyful, but that’s a mere fact. By the time people are unhappy enough to talk to you about marriage trouble, they’re usually too emotional to care what God says. You have to lead them past the emotion back to the fact of God’s love and the logic of marriage. After you give scripture about God designing marriage to be a blessing, ask about good times in their marriage. Everybody has some. Don’t let them be negative! There were good times, the marriage can work. Ignore problems for the moment:

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I Cor. 10:13

No matter how bad the marriage seems, no matter how strong the temptation to divorce, God promises a way to escape!

Then you have to find out which God they serve. There are two false gods worshipped in our land: the bully god and the buddy god. The bully god wrote a bunch of rules in the Bible to keep people from having fun and watches all the time so he can whack you if you get out of line. A man who thinks god’s a bully tends to bully his wife no matter how she tries to please him, a woman who believes in the bully god thinks her husband’s bullying her no matter how he tries to nourish and cherish her.

The buddy god, in contrast, is so loving that he’d never send anyone to hell or let anyone suffer trials. People who believe in the buddy god don’t honor God’s holiness or take His principles seriously. They have trouble submitting their will and their pride to God’s plan for marriage. This pleases Satan and causes God a great deal of pain:

O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29 ***

The Children of Israel were griping about leaving Egypt. God wanted to bless them but they wouldn’t follow. The true God loves us and wants to bless us. His rules help us find happiness but His justice demands that we walk with Him out of love. Obeying God to earn His favor is idolatry; God wants us to choose to follow Him out of love as He wants husband and wife to serve each other out of love. Works-based salvation where people try to earn God’s favor is idolatry, works-based marriage where people try to earn love is whoredom. You have to get past the emotion caused by frustration in marriage and shift the focus to praising God for the good times and for His grace and goodness. Rejoicing in the Lord is step 1 in rejoicing in marriage, rejoicing in your spouse is step 2.

How to be happy in marriage

God didn’t just want happy marriages, He also told us how to do it. The book of Ruth teaches women how to get married; the Song of Solomon teaches men and women how to stay married, but His ways don’t seem reasonable, we have to obey by faith:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. Isaiah 55:8

Salvation doesn’t seem reasonable either. Many people reject Gods plan of salvation and go to hell. Many reject God’s plan of marriage. Anyone who rejects God’s plan of salvation spends eternity in hell, there’s one way to go to heaven but many ways to go to hell. People who reject God’s plan of marriage can create their very own torment right here on earth.

God says marriage should work, the bride and groom want it to work. So why do so many marriages fail? Hosea 4:6 says that God’s people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. God said a great deal about marriage but people aren’t being taught how to be married. Marriages fall apart through ignorance, God’s plan for marriage can turn a couple around in a few days if they repent and do it.

One obstacle to fixing a marriage is that people get discouraged and give up. That’s why you have to show that God intended marriage to be a blessing. Then ask, "When you married, did you expect to be miserable or to be happy? Did you expect your spouse to be miserable being married to you?" The answer’s, "No," nobody expects anyone to be miserable in marriage to him or her.

Now the key question. God wants all marriages to be good, you and your spouse wanted your marriage to be good, you’ve had good times, but you say it’s not working. Isn’t it clear that something went wrong?

That’s the key, the person must admit that something went wrong. Here’s where you must avoid blame. If you say, "Nobody taught you, there’s no way you could’ve known, but God says…" you give the person a path to change. A man can go to his wife and say, "I didn’t know you needed…" and start to meet her needs; a woman can do the same.

A person can’t accept salvation without believing that something’s wrong, repenting, and changing, a person can’t fix a marriage without believing that something’s wrong, repenting, and changing. When something’s wrong with your body, you ask the doctor to help you fix it, you don’t throw it away, but lots of people throw marriages away even though that’s not God’s will:

God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6

God meant marriage to liberate you from the chains of loneliness. His warning about rebellion is clear—the Bible says marriage is for life, does anyone divorce without damaging themselves and their children? Why did God create marriage? What’s in it for God?

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm 127:3 ***

There is joy in marriage. A wife delights in having her husband want to open his heart to her, to hear her thoughts, to set her apart, and to use her knowledge and skills in their daily lives; a husband delights in having his wife want to open her body to him. There’s joy for the husband and wife, but God planned families primarily as a safe place for children to grow up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. God wants children to be taught about His love, that is, His nurture, and about His holiness, that is, His admonition. God desires that each child have both a mother and a father so that both sides of His character can be taught.

Divorce damages children who are God’s reward. It’s better to fix the marriage you’ve got than to rebel against God, but when a marriage is in trouble, the couple needs help to get back on God’s path. To help fix marriages, you must show how marriage works.

How Marriage Works

To understand how marriage works, let’s see how marriage began:

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:15-24 ***

There are interesting points here. First, God gave Adam a job before He gave him a wife. Ecclesiastes 9:9 says that a man’s portion is his work and his wife, that goes back to the beginning. A man should have a job before getting married. Second, God knew that it was not good for Adam to be alone. God could’ve made Eve right away, but He waited until Adam named all the animals without finding a help meet. God waited until Adam knew he was lonely before making Eve. And what happened? Adam claimed her on the spot, saying, "Want that! Gimmie!" Have men changed since Adam? Adam not only claimed Eve, he said she was part of him and named her "woman." Did Adam ask Eve what to call her, or did he just tell her? Have men changed? No, that’s how God made men.

Look beneath the surface, there’s lessons here. First, God waited until Adam knew loneliness. Adam was so lonely that he claimed Eve immediately. Girls, it’s not a good idea for you to chase a man, it’s better to wait for him to claim you as Adam claimed Eve. Second, and more important, what did Adam do to earn Eve? Did he ask for a wife? No, God recognized Adam’s need and gave him a wife. Men, I Corinthians 7:27 commands, "seek not a wife," wait for God to give you one. You can pray for a wife, but wait.

Did God owe Adam a wife? No, God owes no man. Did Adam earn Eve? No, she was a gift of God. Everybody knows a wife is a gift of God. Go to a wedding, some old geezer comes in with the bride, what’s he doing? He’s giving the bride away, she’s a gift. Luke 17:27 says, "they married wives, they were given in marriage…" Wives aren’t earned, wives are given as gifts from God:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14b

Many women feel it’s politically incorrect to belong to a man, but the wife in the Song of Solomon says twice "I am my beloved’s" (6:3, 7:10), she not only belongs to her husband, she’s happy about it. Whose are you anyway? To whom do you belong?

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. I Cor. 6:19-20

Saved women have been bought by the blood of the Lamb, they belong to God. If you belong to God, women, shouldn’t it be OK with you for God to give you to your husbands? Being a wife and mother is a vital ministry. God created women to be wives:

For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. [She was taken out of him, he wasn’t taken out of her.] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9

This verse has been twisted to say that a husband should command his wife, but that’s wrong, God wants a husband to nourish, cherish, and love his wife as Christ cares for the church. People must understand this. God created a wife for her husband, he’s not created for her, so she’ll know him better than he knows her, she’ll care more about pleasing him than he cares about pleasing her, she’ll understand him better than he understands her but he has to try. The wife doesn’t take a husband, the husband takes a wife, but he’s to open his heart to her, hear what she has to say, and take her in honor, commitment, and sanctification, as we’ll see later.

What did Adam do to earn Eve? Nothing, he didn’t earn her, it’s whoredom when a man tries to earn a wife. A man’s not worthy of his wife’s submission, she’s not worthy of his nourishing and cherishing her, marriage is a gift of God by grace, just like salvation.

That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s gracious gift to him and she acts as God’s gracious gift to him, but there are details you’ll have to teach. Let’s see what the Bible says about handling God’s gifts:

Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:8-11

God gives gifts as parents give gifts. Parents give children many gifts—books, toys, clothes, food. These gifts are conditional, parents get upset when children misuse gifts. I’ve heard, "You left your bike in the rain, you can’t ride for a week." Gifts come with strings attached, children must use gifts correctly or they lose the gifts. When a husband makes his wife unhappy, he loses the blessings of marriage. James 1:17 says God’s gifts are perfect and Eph. 5:20 commands us to give thanks for all things. Men gripe about wives’ emotions, talkativeness, and many other features. Men, God made your wives for your good. Just because you don’t understand how her emotions bless you doesn’t mean they aren’t good. Thank God for her emotions, husband, they bless you!

The Bible teaches that a wife is a gift of God, women are made for men. Genesis 3:16 teaches that a wife desires to belong to her husband and to know that he’s happy with her. It should be no surprise that the Bible also teaches many conditions God attaches when He gives a woman to a man to be his wife. What’s the key condition to making God’s gift of marriage work?

Only Praise

The answer is as simple as salvation. Salvation is two words, "only believe," that’s all there is. The way a husband loves his wife so that she can be God’s gift to him is two words, "only praise," that’s all you have to do. "Only praise," that’s all, no criticism allowed.

"Only praise?" That’s all it takes? Where’s that in the Bible? Didn’t Jesus warn about seeking the praise of men?

Yes, Jesus did say that we shouldn’t do things just so men would praise us, but He didn’t tell us not to appreciate others. Proverbs 27:2 says, "Let another man praise thee…" so we should praise other people, and husbands are commanded to praise their wives:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28 ***

Children don’t praise mothers unless fathers teach them, children learn to praise by watching fathers praise. Being praised by her husband and children is part of her marriage covenant. Praise is the gasoline which makes a woman go. There’s a saying, "Man may work from sun to sun, woman’s work is never done." What’s worse, woman’s work is always the same. A farmer’s work changes with the seasons, but washing, diapers, cooking, and cleaning are forever the same. How can wives do this day after year after decade? They’re fueled by appreciation, praise is the gasoline which makes women go.

The Song of Solomon shows how this works. The man praises his wife in mind-numbing detail. He praises the shape of her nose, her eyes, her teeth, her lips, her breasts, everything about her, in detail. A man can’t praise a woman effectively without knowing her well, he can’t know her without talking to her. His talk and praise make her feel loved so that she delights in his delight in taking her. And she does delight in his taking her, 8:3 says, "His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me."

There’s a subtlety, the Song of Solomon starts with the woman praising the man. A wife has to teach her husband how to praise her, men can be pretty clueless about what women want. When I first went shopping for my wife, she was surprised. She said, "Why’d you buy this?" I said, "You wanted beans." "I wanted green beans, these are kidney beans." She wanted tomato sauce and I got tomato paste. Women are more into details than men are, a woman simply can’t follow a man unless he explains all the details.

If he says, "Let’s go on a picnic," her mind fills with questions—how long will we be gone, do we need swimsuits, should I take toys, how many meals, and so on. The man’s likely to want to forget the whole thing, but that’s unfair, a woman must know details to make the picnic work. Over time, she’ll learn what he means by "picnic" and things will go smoothly if he tells her what he wants.

My wife could’ve gotten angry when I messed up her shopping list, but she spoke kindly to me and taught me how to care for her. I wasn’t totally ignorant, I knew it was better to make her happy than to make her unhappy, I received her teaching and loved her for it. Women, if a man tries to help you and you fuss at him, he’s less likely to help you next time, it’s better to teach him how to make you happy than to fuss. The way to do this, wives, is to praise your husbands so they’ll learn how to praise you.

As for learning from my wife, God commands husbands listen to their wives and act on what their wives tell them:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

You’ve taken medicine where the label says, "Use according to directions?" That means read the directions and do what they say. How does a man dwell with a woman "according to knowledge?" He listens to her, talks with her so that he knows what she’s saying, and acts on what she says. God is serious about telling you to listen to your wife. If you don’t use medicine according to directions, you might die. If a man doesn’t dwell with his wife according to knowledge, if he doesn’t give her honor, his prayers are hindered. Men, if you don’t listen to your wives, your prayers bounce off the ceiling!

Please understand, "listen" doesn’t mean, "obey." A man must listen to his wife and learn from her, which means reaching for her point of view. He hasn’t heard her until she understands him. When my wife’s satisfied that I’ve listened to her and that I’ve explained my thoughts to her, she’s almost always content with what we decide because she’s been heard, she knows why. It’s not a matter of she wins if we do what she suggests or I win if we use my idea, the point is to work together to figure out what’s best for the family. A man and wife are "no more twain, but one flesh," (Mark 10:8) the key is to talk enough to find out what’s best for the one.

Salvation is a gift of God, guys, but you must receive it God’s way or you won’t get the blessing, you can’t earn it. A wife is a gift of God, guys, but you must teach other men to receive their wives God’s way or they won’t get the blessing, a man can’t earn it.

God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her. Our quilt has a tag in a corner. My wife believes that the tag must be at the foot of the bed in my corner. She says the quilt isn’t square and one side has to be up. She gets out of bed and turns on the light and turns the quilt to get the tag to the right corner, then she turns the quilt above it so its tag is in the right place and so on and so on. She can’t sleep if the tag’s wrong.

Do I understand this? I do not. But I know it, I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it. This makes her feel loved for two reasons: a) she doesn’t have to move the quilt, and b) she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care, she knows I do it just for her. When a man does something just to make his wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to belong to him.

You heard me, I said "many times per day," women need huge amounts of praise because God did a super job designing their emotions so that they need praise from their husbands. But if a man keeps a woman happy by listening to her and praising her on her terms, guys, she shines love and happiness all around her wherever she goes. A man expects his wife to welcome him into her body several times per day, she expects him to welcome her into his heart several times per day. Her drive to hear his praise and for him to appreciate her talk is as important to her as his drive to take her is important to him. He expects her to meet his need to take her, shouldn’t he meet her need for conversation, praise, and appreciation?

Jesus said if we love Him, we’ll keep His words. If a wife says she likes vanilla ice cream and her husband brings chocolate, does he love her? The tricky part about praising your wife is knowing her well enough to be sure she’s pleased by your praise.

Suppose a man says, "The living room looks good. It’s about time it got cleaned." That’s a slam, men, that’s not praise, he’s saying his wife’s lazy. When company comes, a husband may say, "Oh, we’ll have something good to eat." That’s a slam, men, it suggests that her cooking usually isn’t good. Men, women are different from you, a man must let his wife teach him how to praise her, that’s part of dwelling with her according to knowledge of her.

Women have to help, men can be pretty clueless. Consider the quilt. My wife could’ve said, "If he loved me, he’d know how I want the quilt" but that’s like saying, "If he loved me, he’d flap his arms and fly to the moon." God said I wanted to please her, however, so she taught me how to please her by showing me the tag. I still can’t tell which way’s up on the quilt but the tag, I can find. If a woman nags, her man may decide that he can’t please her no matter what he does and give up. That’s why it’s "only praise."

There’s no criticism at all in the Song of Solomon. The wife praises her husband up one side and down the other, and he praises her. There’s no criticism at all. The Bible teaches, "only praise." Salvation is "only believe," not "believe plus something else." Marriage is "only praise," it’s not "praise plus criticism," or "praise where she deserves it, criticism where he needs it," it’s "only praise." Praise makes a man enjoy talking to his wife and it makes her enjoy belonging to him.

The only places where a wife criticizes her husband is when Abigail kept David from murdering Nabal by telling David that he wasn’t the sweetest guy in the world and where Michael criticized David for dancing. I know of no other passages where a wife criticizes her husband and I know of nowhere in the entire Bible where a man criticizes his wife, if you find any, please tell me.

The Bible is for our learning, we’re told to learn from the examples in the Bible. The Bible lights your path like a flashlight, but you have to turn it on. Without God’s word, you aren’t ready to help people with marriage. But now you know what to say when someone wants to fix a marriage, the Bible teaches that it’s "only praise." This works for children and church members, too.

Some people say "I have the gift of seeing problems," but being negative is the old man, it’s in the flesh, that’s what you put off with salvation. Praise, gratitude, sanctification, love, longsuffering, and honor are fruits of the spirit which a man must give his wife.

Guys, do you deserve salvation? No, salvation is by grace, you deserve the punishment of hell. Do you deserve your wife’s submission and her comfort? No, you don’t, your wife is a gift of God, given you as a favor from God:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

Do you believe what the Bible says about salvation? Do you believe what the Bible says about wives? You don’t deserve a wife any more than you deserve salvation, she’s a gift from God. You should thank God for giving her to you and thank her for being yours.

Commands to Women

We’ve seen how God expects a man to appreciate his wife as God’s gift, which requires that he praise her and talk to her so that he can live with her based on knowledge of her needs. What about God’s plan that the wife be God’s gift to her husband? Here it is:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24 *** Stay here!

Wives don’t just obey blindly, there’s discussion. Abraham didn’t just accept what God said, he bargained with God about how many saved people it would take to save Sodom and Moses asked God not to destroy the Jews in the desert. God appreciated the interaction. Men, this comes just before a passage which requires you to love your wife as Christ loves the church, we’ll see that in a minute, but let’s look at what men believe what this says about women. A man tends to interpret the passages about "one flesh" and the teachings on submission to mean that he can have his wife whenever he wants her. That’s a huge burden for women.

Deuteronomy 21:14 and Ezekiel 22:10 say that a man humbles a woman, that’s part of the cost of having a man in her life. Women suffer painful, itchy infections which can be life threatening. From when she’s a little girl, she’s taught, "Be clean, or you’ll get an infection." And a man expects his wife to let him mess with that part of her whenever he wants? It’s messy. It’s invasive. It’s intrusive. The Bible says it’s humbling. And worse than that, men, it’s boring.

Boring? How can the most wonderful thing in all the world be boring? Simple. The Bible says,

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

God did not say, "it is not good that the man should have unfulfilled desires," God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone." A married man need never be alone because his wife yearns to talk to him. She married him because she liked talking to him, she expected that they’d talk a lot more after they were married. The Bible suggests that talking is more important to God than taking, but the man thinks that once he’s married, it’s a done deal and he doesn’t have to talk about it any more.

God gave women a drive to talk to keep men from being alone, a woman’s drive to talk to a man is as strong as his drive to take her. There are many reasons why God gave women a drive to talk, let’s just say that a woman’s drive to talk is of God and that listening to her talk bores most men. You can explain that a man wants to take his wife five times before breakfast and then he’ll be back for lunch, I Corinthians 7:5 says it’s fraud if she doesn’t. God is just, a man reaps what he sows. If a man sows neglect of his wife’s need to talk to him all the time, he’ll very likely reap her neglect of his need to take her. A woman’s a mirror, not a light, she reflects whatever her husband gives her. If he gives anger and criticism, she’ll multiply it. If he gives love, acceptance, and praise, she’ll multiply it and fill the entire house with love and light. A woman’s a mirror, not a light, and her husband primes her pump.

God is just. If a wife’s drive to talk bores a man, why shouldn’t his drive to take her bore her? Men are bored that their wives want to talk about the same old thing over and over, wives are bored that their husbands want to do the same old thing over and over. It’s new and different and wonderful to the men each time, but it’s the same old thing to the wives.

Men, comforting you is messy, and humbling, and invasive, and boring. And it gets worse. When taking a woman, men get so focused, men get so fervent, that she may think, "He’s not paying attention to me, I could be any woman, it would make no difference to him." If a woman feels like an interchangeable sexual appliance, how is she going to enjoy belonging to her husband?

Sanctification of Wives

God commands husbands to know their wives well enough to set them apart, especially in bed:

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:3-5 Note: There’s disagreement about the meaning of this verse, see the context.

"Sanctify" means "set apart." The only way a man can set his wife apart is to listen to her and get to know her well enough that she’s "but one" to him as in the Song of Solomon. He must know what makes her different from all other women, or he hasn’t sanctified her. But if he does, their marriage shows Christ’s love for the church, which is the best way to win the lost.

What separates men from animals? Human beings communicate. Men who take a woman without communication, men who possess without knowing whether they’re doing right by her or knowing who she really is are no better than beasts. It’s worse than that, the Bible says "not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God," taking a woman without sanctifying her is being like those who don’t know God. How does a man know if he’s sanctified his wife? I Timothy 5:2 says to treat younger women as sisters. If a man’s attracted to other women, if he can’t treat other women as sisters, he hasn’t sanctified his wife. His wife should be "but one" to him, he’s not supposed to notice other women as women, if he does, he should spend more time with her.

Women understand this. If a man hasn’t sanctified his wife, if he hasn’t listened to her, she feels that any woman would satisfy him. This makes her feel like a whore. Being taken is always humbling; being taken by a man who hasn’t sanctified her is humiliating. And sanctifying her requires that he talk to her enough that she knows he’s set her apart from all other women.

Men, being taken is messy, humbling, invasive, boring, it can be humiliating, and there’s one other cost, being taken by a man makes a woman feel dependent. God made women for men. He made their emotions so that when a man takes a woman, she feels dependent on him, she loses her independence and feels that she belongs to him. This makes sense. God wants children to have fathers, one way to help children have fathers is to design women so that a woman clings to the man who takes her.

Men, comforting you is messy, humbling, invasive, boring, it can be humiliating, and it wipes out her independence. Belonging to her husband costs a wife a lot. Why, then, does the woman in the Song of Solomon delight in it? Why did Sarah gladly call her husband, "Lord?" What did their husbands do so that these women were happy to belong to their men? What are modern men not doing?

They aren’t praising. They don’t dwell according to knowledge, they aren’t sanctifying. The Song of Solomon teaches that a wife should rejoice in being God’s gift to her husband, but the husband has to treat her as God expects or he loses the blessing. The Song teaches men to praise in detail, but some of the language is a bit old-fashioned. Here’s a modern way to praise a wife, "I enjoy talking to you, your ideas and your way of looking at things always help us figure out what to do. I hope we can talk again soon." The corresponding praise from a woman is, "Thank you, my husband, I like being yours. Let’s do that again as soon as you can."

Loving as Christ the Church

Besides praise, listening, and sanctification, God also tells men to love their wives:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33 ***

The Greek work translated "love" is "agape," which is an active verb. Agape is not an emotion, a man does agape to benefit his wife as an act of will. God designed a woman’s emotions to draw her to her husband; God expects men to decide to care for their wives as Christ cares for the church. Men are to serve, nourish, and cherish their wives as Christ serves, nourishes, and cherishes His church.

In speaking of His people in John 10:29, Jesus said, "My father who gave them me…" We Christians are God’s gift to Christ in the same way a wife is God’s gift to her husband. How did Christ love the church? He gave His life for us. Remember the tradition, "Women and children first?" Although it’s a man’s duty to die for his wife if the occasion requires, Christ generally calls a man to live for his wife. As Christ will present His church to himself "a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle," a husband should help his wife to develop her gifts, draw on her talents, and help her grow to become the "glorious wife" God intended her to be.

Calling him "Lord"

The passage about loving as Christ loves the church ends by saying that the wife should reverence her husband. This troubles most women I know, but I’ll tell you a secret—it’s more of a burden on a man than on a woman. What? Telling wives to reverence their husbands burdens the men? It sure does. Here’s a similar passage which we’ll use for clarification:

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:1-6 ***

This teaches women to dress modestly and shows that a man can be won "without the word," that is, without criticism, by his wife’s behavior. That’s another way of saying "only praise." Calling a husband "Lord" praises him. Verily I say unto you, ladies, calling your husband "Lord" is an effective way to praise. How do I know? When we were dating, my wife started saying, "yes sir" when I addressed her. Not every time, only as the spirit moved her, but it sure made me feel worthwhile. Nothing makes a man stand like having a woman lean on him. A couple of our teen girls heard her, they were astounded to hear a wife call her husband "Lord."

I reminded them that God gave them wombs in which He plans to form children who will come forth from their bodies in the image of God. The Bible says that God created men and women in His image, but young ladies don’t seem to think of their babies as being born in the image of God. "A baby’s important," I said, "if you don’t feel the urge to call a man ‘Lord,’ why have his baby?"

For all it shocks young ladies to think of calling their future husbands "Lord," this is a greater burden for men than for women.

So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you? Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Jn 13:12-15*

Foot washing was the dirtiest, lowliest job around, worse than cleaning toilets, diapers, or carrying out the garbage. Our Lord washed His disciples’ feet to show us how to serve one another. Being called "Lord" means we’re to do the nasty jobs. There’s more:

But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45 ***

Who’s the chiefest in a marriage? Ephesians 5:23 says that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. We call Christ "Lord," He ministers to us, He gave His life as a ransom for us. The husband is head of the wife, she calls him "Lord," he serves her and ministers to her as Christ serves and ministers to the church. Being called "Lord" puts the man under great obligation.

What’s worse, men, we know we don’t deserve to be called "Lord," women honor us only by God’s grace. We don’t care for our wives properly, we don’t minister to them enough. Being called "Lord" reminds us what we should be. If a wife honors her husband and calls him "Lord" from her heart in love, she can encourage him to be conformed to the image of Christ.

How Marriage Works

Here’s a one-verse summary of how God planned that marriage should work:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67

A husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church and she comforts him. Isaac supplied the tent, a bride joins her husband’s family and takes her husband’s name as Eve called herself "woman" because that’s what Adam named her. Christ loves all sinners, but it doesn’t help unless a sinner knows Christ’s love. A wife has to know her husband’s love to be able to comfort him, the only way she can know his love is for him to choose to be eager to talk to her enough to get to know her well enough to praise her and sanctify her. A man can flatter a woman until after they’re married, but afterward, he has to learn to appreciate her in truth.

Here’s the bottom line, folks. The Bible teaches that husband and wife should praise each other and never, ever criticize. That may not seem reasonable, but salvation isn’t reasonable either when you think about it. And get this:

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart ... Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward. Psalm 19:7,11

Folks, you now know how to show anyone that God wants every married person to taste the joys of heaven right here on earth. God planned that marriage should bring joy, but you must do it God’s way. God’s formula may not seem reasonable, but there’s great reward. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him, marriage prospers when both parties thank each other and praise each other and appreciate each other as they thank and praise and appreciate God. Have an attitude of gratitude. "Only praise," that’s God’s Simple Plan for Marriage, nothing else works as well.

Toy or Treasure

Your parents are as concerned with your getting rid of false knowledge as we are about teaching you true knowledge. If you build a bridge based on false ideas about concrete, your bridge will fall down. If you build your life on false ideas, your life will fall down. Getting rid of false ideas is as important as learning true ideas.

One false idea you should get rid of is thinking that life ought to be fun. Young people often spend too much time looking for fun, I’d like to help you find something better than fun.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking "There he goes, not wanting us to have any fun, we’re supposed to live narrow, miserable, limited lives!"

That’s not true! I want you to have something better than fun, I want you to have joy! There’s nothing wrong with fun itself, it’s only wrong if what you do is against the Bible or if it distracts you from the joy God would rather give you. The Bible says:

Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore. Psalm 16:11

I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10

These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy should be full. John 15:11

and now come I to thee, and these things I speak to the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves. John 17:13

Does that sound as if Jesus wants His people to live narrow, grim, unhappy lives? No, Christ wants you to have abundant joy, if you follow the path that He shows you, if you’re in His presence, you’ll find "pleasures forevermore."

The Bible teaches how to have an abundant, joyful life. There’s nothing wrong with certain forms of fun, but I want you to have something far, far better than fun. The Bible doesn’t mention "fun" at all, not even once, but, it has dozens of references to "joy." God offers us joy, which is sensationally better than fun. The dictionary defines "fun."

fun--Sport, merriment, playful action, implies a lack of serious purpose.

Solomon warns you about seeking fun:

I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: and behold, this also is vanity. Ecc 2:1

The dictionary says that pleasure is the same as fun--sport, diversion, frivolous or dissipating enjoyment, sensual gratification.

Fun is immediate but accomplishes nothing; Solomon had the money for big-time fun. He worked very hard at having fun, but it all came to nothing. You may spend hours playing computer games, but after you’ve had your fun, what do you have? Fun is vanity--it doesn’t give you any lasting benefit.

You can have fun quickly, joy takes much more work. Boys and girls can have quick, easy fun with one another; building a joyful married life takes work.

Fun and Marriage

Young ladies, what did God say about wives?

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4

Young ladies, do you think God made you to be toys for your husband? Something for your husband to play with and toss aside when he’s tired of you? No, God made you to be treasures and crowns, your price is far above rubies if you order your life as God says.

There is an old song, the chorus goes, "You don’t own me, I’m not just one of your many toys." It’s sung by a woman who’s tired of being treated like a toy.

It is a bad idea to get in the habit of attracting men by offering fun through makeup and flirting. God prefers a meek and quiet spirit to adornments. Making yourself up gets you in the habit of thinking too much of your looks and tempts men to judge you by appearance, like a painted toy clown. The Bible tells you not to do that:

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3:3-4

Let your moderation be known unto all men. Philippians 4:5

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broidered hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; but (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. I Timothy 2:9-10

Adornment, makeup, and flirting are not serious and boys know it. Making yourself up may be fun and attracting boys to your looks may be fun, but if you get in the habit of treating men as fun, they treat you as fun. You may be known as a "fun date" but that makes you a toy, not a wife. Boys play with toys, men stay with treasures after marrying them.

The Bible says a woman should be a crown to her husband; each of you should be a treasure to your husband. Do you want a man to play with you or stay with you? Do you want amusement or marriage? Do you want to be a treasure or a toy? Do you want your husband to marry your makeup, or would rather that he marry you? You can’t have both.

One thing about life that you may think is unfair is that the woman sets the tone of the relationship between herself and a man. If you let a man treat you as a toy, he will, because playing with a toy is cheaper and easier than taking care of a treasure. I’ve been trying to teach you that joy is better than fun. If you’re a toy, you’ll be fun for a man, but you can’t give him joy and you can’t have joy in him unless you’re his treasure. It’s the nature of men that you can’t be a treasure to him unless you insist that he treat you as a treasure and teach him to work to care for you as a treasure so he can have joy in you. You choose whether you’re a toy or a treasure.

Before our first date, my wife told me, "I’m not a toy." She declared that she was interested only in marriage, that she had no intention of playing boy-girl games, she wanted to be a wife. She asked me if I was seeing someone else, and told me to dump her, she wouldn’t share any man with anyone else. If I wouldn’t be hers alone, I could take a hike.

Young ladies, isn’t that what you want from a man? Devotion to you and to you alone? Don’t you want his desire to be in your direction as it says in the Song of Solomon? If that’s what you want, how are you going to get it if you don’t ask for it? Ye have not because ye ask not, the Bible says (James 4:2).

Wives are Serious Business

Young men, I know you think you’d rather play with a woman than take full responsibility for her because taking care of a treasure is a lot of work, but the joy of having a treasure is better than the fun of playing with a toy.

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:18-20

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9

God gives you wives as a sign of His favor and for you to have joy, not for fun.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12

Isn’t finding a woman who will do you good and not evil all your days and not be a rottenness in your bones a serious matter? Solomon had that when he was young as you can see from what he said in Proverbs and in the Song of Solomon but when he got older, he confessed in Ecclesiastes that he’d lost it:

Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all these have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:28

Men, it takes hours of talking every day to make a wife feel like a treasure. Solomon had so many women that he couldn’t give any of them enough time to have joy, he could only play with them and turn his wives into toys. His wives were treated as toys, they acted as toys, and he found no joy in them. You must take good, loving, full-time care of your wife if you expect to have joy in her. God wanted you to have joy in your wife, He made her to be your crown and your treasure. Believe me, young men, if you don’t keep your wife happy, she’ll make you more miserable than you can imagine. You’re incomplete without a wife and if your other half is unhappy, you are of all men most miserable.

A woman is a mirror, she’s not a light. Wives don’t make love or anger on their own, they take whatever their husbands give them and reflect it back. If a man gives his wife love and appreciation, she multiplies love and appreciation back to him. If a man gives a woman anger or criticism, she multiplies his anger and criticism right back to him, a man reaps what he sows. The woman sets the tone for the relationship before marriage by her conduct, the man sets the tone for the relationship after marriage by his conduct.

So, men, the first step in having a happy marriage is to marry a treasure, then dedicate your life to keeping her happy. How can you tell if you’ve found a treasure? Same way I did, make sure she demands gently but firmly that you treat her as a treasure. I don’t mean demand angrily or noisily, a woman can be gentle about insisting that you treat her as a treasure so long as she’s steadfast and unmovable about it. But if a woman lets you treat her as a toy, she is a toy for play, not a treasure for marriage.

Pregnancy

Do you think having babies is fun? I’ve talked with a lot of mothers. They say pregnancy is no fun at all, but it’s a time of great joy.

A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world. John 16:21

joy -- 1) Emotion excited by the expectation of good; gladness, delight. 2) State of happiness or bliss

A pregnant woman has joy expecting the child that she will soon bring into the world. Ask your parents--you bring them far more joy than fun. To your parents, you aren’t toys, you’re joys.

Marriage is serious, you don’t do it "for fun." You can have fun after you’re married, but earning a living, raising children, and building a Godly household which is a testimony to others is a serious matter which brings more joy than fun. That is why you don’t want to get in the habit of looking for fun--the Bible teaches that you should pursue peace and joy instead, they’re much better.

Being a Treasure

The Bible says a wise woman builds her house, the foolish woman tears it down with her hands. It’s up to the woman to build the house, a man can’t do it. When my wife was in the hospital, my sons said, "Dad, you’re a lousy mother." A man isn’t equipped to build a house, that’s the woman’s job.

My wife wanted to be a wife and mother from as early as she can remember. She didn’t ask for beauty, she prayed that God would give her a meek and quiet spirit. When we met, her face was covered with giant zits. She had many deep acne scars, but I never saw them. As I looked into her eyes and saw her meek and quiet spirit shine forth in her joy in being with me, nothing else mattered.

She’s been a treasure to me in all the ways of Proverbs 31. She’s happy because I rejoice in being married to her, that’s what God meant when he told Eve, "Your desire shall be to your husband." You ladies will be happy only if your husbands are happy with you. If your husband treats you as a treasure, you’ll be happy, otherwise not. That may sound unfair, but that’s the way God made you.

Here are three ways my wife made herself a treasure to me:

* She prepared it. I told you how she prayed for a meek and quiet spirit. She also prayed that God would work in her to make her into a good wife. She studied how to manage a home, bought towels and sheets so I wouldn’t be shocked by what she needed to operate a house, she bought a car, she had considerable savings when we married. She was a good catch.
* She declared it. She stated, clearly and unmistakably, gently and firmly, that she was a good catch, and if I wanted her, I’d better be ready to belong to her as I expected her to belong to me.
* Once we married, she earned her status as my treasure. She wove her life into mine, helping me with my business. We’ve earned far more money by her helping me than she could have earned from a separate job. She’s worked long and hard building our house. She’s earned my respect over and over and over. I treat her as a treasure because she is a treasure, just as God said.

My wife is a treasure because she prepared it, she declared it, and she earned it. I’m blessed to have her, I’ve found favor of the Lord.

Summary

Be careful of having fun. Fun has no serious purpose by definition. Life is serious, you don’t want to get in the habit of looking for fun so that you miss the joy. The Bible promises joy and peace, not fun. Young ladies should not get in the habit of urging boys to treat them as toys; boys should get in the habit of judging righteous judgment instead of judging girls by appearance.

You are treasures, not toys. You are created to be joys to your parents, to your spouses, and to God.

Fun is fleeting, joy is forever. Fun takes no effort, joy is a lot of work. Joy is better than fun.

Paul said:

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. I Corinthians 13:11

Fun is childish. As you grow up, you must learn to put away childish fun, and go for joy.

Marriage works when the husband treats his wife as God’s gift to him and she acts as God’s gift to him, nothing else works very well.

Are You Worshiping a False God?

There are two false gods worshipped in our land: the bully god and the buddy god. The bully god wrote a bunch of rules in the Bible to keep people from having fun and watches all the time so he can whack you if you get out of line. A man who thinks god’s a bully tends to bully his wife no matter how she tries to please him, a woman who believes in the bully god thinks her husband’s bullying her no matter how he tries to nourish and cherish her through Godly leadership.

The buddy god, in contrast, is so loving that he’d never send anyone to hell or let anyone suffer trials. People who believe in the buddy god don’t honor God’s holiness or take His principles seriously. They have trouble submitting their will and their pride to God’s plan for marriage or for anything else. This pleases Satan and causes God a great deal of pain:

O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29

The Children of Israel were griping about leaving Egypt. God wanted to bless them but they wouldn’t follow. The true God loves us and wants to bless us. His rules help us find happiness but His justice demands that we walk with Him out of love. Obeying God to earn His favor is idolatry; God wants us to choose to follow Him out of love as He wants husband and wife to serve each other out of love. Works-based salvation where people try to earn God’s favor is idolatry, works-based marriage where people try to earn love is whoredom. If you want to worship the One True God, you must learn about Him so you can worship Him in truth.

There are two ways to learn about God. One way to study God is to read the Bible, that is, study God’s word. John 1:1 says,

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1

God is His word. Studying the Bible helps you know God, but there’s another way to know God, and that’s to study His works.

But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. Job 12:7-8

For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; Romans 1:20

We can learn the invisible things of God by studying the things He made, we can learn about God just by looking around. Jesus spoke of weather, and animals, He talked about many of the things He had made to help Him teach people about God.

In Jesus’ parable of the sower, seeds that fell on good ground grew into 50 or 100 times as much as the original seed, but that doesn’t happen very often unless you’re farming. Think of the thousands of seeds a tree drops every year. In most places, a new tree can’t grow until an old tree dies and makes room for it. Only one seed from each tree, on the average, can grow into another tree, the other seeds die. Most seeds don’t grow at all even though they’re made so that they could grow into new trees.

God creates many, many seeds which could live, but most don’t. The Word of God teaches the same lesson. Jesus said,

Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matthew 7:13-14

Few of the cells that could become people are born, and of all the people who’re born, few find God’s way of salvation. God makes lots of spare seeds so that He always has enough trees, He makes enough people that He always has a few saved ones.

Seeds look alike, but no two trees are the same. Look closely, you’ll find that no two leaves are the same. Scientists say that no two snowflakes are alike, of all of the billions and trillions of snowflakes that fall every year, each and every one is different from all the rest. God doesn’t do mass production, everything He makes is one of a kind, including you and me.

Every person is different. The lines of our hands, our fingerprints, we’re unique. There’s nobody like you in all the world, you’re unique. God has maybe 6 billion people running around, but God knows all about you, and He cares about taking care of you:

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. I Peter 5:7

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Matthew 10:30

It’s getting easier for God to number all my hairs because there aren’t as many as there were, but He knows how many there are and He knows what happened to each one. He knows all about me, He knows all about you. You and I are precious to Him, He sent His son to die for us, we’re that precious. God numbers the hairs of your head, God’s Word teaches that God knows your uniqueness, but you have to study the works of God to understand just how different you are. Nobody else has the same fingerprints. The way your hair grows is like no one else. Given that you aren’t like anybody else, why should you imitate anybody else? God knows how you’re made, only God can tell you what to do. People shouldn’t compare themselves to others:

For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. II Corinthians 10:12

Each person should be himself or herself as God made him or her, but most people follow what’s "in" and dress alike. Why? Romans 12:2 says we shouldn’t be conformed to this world and Romans 8:29 says we’re to be conformed to the image of Christ, why should we follow the image of anyone else? Following another person instead of following God can lead to idolatry.

Why does God make all these seeds if so few live? Why does He make so many people if so few accept salvation? The Works of God can tell us what God did, but we have to go back to the Word of God to find out why. For example, Genesis 2:18 tells us that God made woman because it was not good for man to be alone. The Bible says:

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:25

Why should Adam or Eve be ashamed to be naked? Husband and wife are one flesh, there’s no shame in being naked before your spouse and there’s no shame being naked around animals. Why might they have been ashamed? Who was there to see? God was there, God walked in the garden with them but they weren’t ashamed to be naked before Him. After they sinned, however,

And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden. And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. Genesis 3:7-10

Adam knew God was holy. Adam knew that Adam had sinned. He was afraid to come to God. And what did God want? God wanted to be with Adam and Eve; God wanted to hang out with the people He’d made, but they were afraid. God says:

Be ye holy for I am holy. I Peter 1:16

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. James 4:10

God is all holiness, of course, but He’s also all love, He sent His son to lend us holiness so we could be His friends if we choose to be. God wanted to be Adam’s friend, but Adam knew Adam’s sin and wouldn’t humble himself so that God could lift him up and be friends. Adam wouldn’t ask for God’s forgiveness so he couldn’t be God’s friend after he’d sinned.

This happened when God sent Moses to lead His people out of Egypt. God rolled back the sea, they crossed, God let the sea come back and drown the Egyptians. God gave them water to drink and manna to eat, and spoke to them out of the fire. What happened then? Moses went up Mt. Sinai to get the 10 commandments that were "written with the finger of God."

And when the people saw that Moses delayed to come down out of the mount, the people gathered themselves together unto Aaron, and said unto him, Up, make us gods, which shall go before us, for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him. Exodus 32:1

Did they give God the glory? No, they said, "this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt." Moses was away, but was God gone? No, God’s everywhere, God was with them, but they couldn’t see God’s man, so they thought God was gone. Were they worshipping Moses? They asked Aaron to make an idol, Aaron did, and they worshipped the golden calf.

God’s people later decided not to talk to God. Sometime later, Moses reviewed what had happened:

And ye said, Behold, the LORD our God hath shewed us his glory and his greatness, and we have heard his voice out of the midst of the fire: we have seen this day that God doth talk with man, and he liveth. Now therefore why should we die? for this great fire will consume us: if we hear the voice of the Lord our God any more, then we shall die. For who is there of all flesh, that hath heard the voice of the living God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as we have, and lived? Go thou near, and hear all that the Lord our God shalt say: and speak thou unto us all that the LORD our God shall speak unto thee; and we will hear it and do it. Deuteronomy 5:24-27

They asked "who has heard the voice of God and lived?" What a silly question, they heard the voice of God and lived, but they’d sinned. Like Adam, they could’ve asked God’s forgiveness for worshiping the golden calf. They wouldn’t humble themselves, God couldn’t lift them up, so they were afraid to talk to God. They told Moses to talk to God and tell them what God said.

They were afraid to accept God’s love. I John 4:18 says, "Perfect love casteth out fear, he who feareth is not made perfect in love." God offered them love and friendship, God wanted to speak to them directly and they wouldn’t. Are Christians different today? Do we speak to God ourselves, or would we rather someone else spoke to God for us? How often do we hear, "Oh pastor, could you pray about my problem?" Does God hear a pastor’s prayers any better than He hears other’s prayers? Can’t we pray about our own problems? Are we afraid of God, or are we just lazy? Real prayer is hard work, are we saying that the problem is serious enough for someone else to pray about it but not serious enough for us to work at it?

It may not be laziness, people may not know that we should all approach God for ourselves:

And when Simon saw that through laying on of the apostles' hands the Holy Ghost was given, he offered them money, Saying, Give me also this power, that on whomsoever I lay hands, he may receive the Holy Ghost. But Peter said unto him, Thy money perish with thee, because thou hast thought that the gift of God may be purchased with money. Thou hast neither part nor lot in this matter: for thy heart is not right in the sight of God. Repent therefore of this thy wickedness, and pray God, if perhaps the thought of thine heart may be forgiven thee. For I perceive that thou art in the gall of bitterness, and in the bond of iniquity. Then answered Simon, and said, Pray ye to the LORD for me, that none of these things which ye have spoken come upon me. Acts 8:18-24

Simon didn’t want to pray for himself, he wanted the apostles to pray for him. Am I any different?

The Children of Israel didn’t want to talk to God, they told Aaron "Up, make us gods," and he did. Aaron knew better, he’d seen God work and he’d heard God speak, but he caved when the people asked him for a new god. This wasn’t really a surprise. When God called Moses to lead His people out of Egypt, Moses didn’t want to do it.

And Moses said unto the LORD, O my LORD, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue. And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say. Exodus 4:10-12

God told Moses, "I made your mouth, I know what you can do, just shut up and do it," but Moses didn’t shut up:

And he said, O my LORD, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send. [In other words, God, anybody but me.] And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses, and he said, Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And also, behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart. And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth: and I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do. And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God. Exodus 4:13-16

God gave Moses a helper, but what a price Moses paid! He, Moses, was instead of God to Aaron. What an awful burden! Moses took God’s place in Aaron’s mind so Moses had to be perfect. Let Moses make the least mistake and Aaron’s faith would break. Moses had been to Aaron instead of God, so Aaron made a calf when the people wanted a new god. If Aaron had had his own relationship to God, if Aaron had been God’s friend as Moses was God’s friend, he’d have laughed when they asked for a new god. Instead, he was "blown about by every wind of doctrine" and made the golden calf.

The people didn’t want to relate to God, so they made an image to take the place of Moses who’d taken the place of God.

Adam, the very first man, hid from God after he sinned. Adam gave up his friendship with God instead of asking for forgiveness. Adam knew better, Adam knew God, they’d named the animals together:

And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. Genesis 2:19

Adam and God hung out long enough to name a lot of animals and God gave Adam a wonderful gift called a "woman." Adam appreciated God giving him Eve, you’d think he’d know God loved him, but after he sinned, Adam didn’t say, "I’m sorry," he blamed Eve. Adam wouldn’t ask God for forgiveness and gave up God’s friendship.

God usually has at least some friends, Enoch and Abraham were God’s friends. After God took His people out of Egypt, they wouldn’t talk to God, they insisted that God talk only to Moses. Did God give up? Does God ever give up?

God put three amazing revelations in the Bible which show that He never gives up trying to be friends with His people:

1. God takes the side of the poor and needy. The idea that God cared about worthless slaves blew Pharaoh’s mind (Exodus 5). God’s prophets were angry when His people rejected Him, but God was nearly as angry when leaders abused the poor.
2. Because people wouldn’t talk to God, Old Testament believers could approach God only through priests; the temple veil kept people out of the Holy Place where God was. Mark 15:38 says that the temple veil was rent when Christ died; Christians should approach God directly, we need no priest, no pastor, no husband, God receives us whenever we wish. This was revolutionary, nobody imagined ordinary people approaching God without permission.
3. Having rent the veil so that anyone can approach, God invites women to come to Him. Letting women approach God without a man’s permission was probably more upsetting to the men than letting mere peasants come to God without permission.

The Bible makes it clear that all are welcome, all people are urged to approach Him:

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our LORD. Romans 8:38-39

Only I can separate myself from God, nothing else can get between God and me. God wants fellowship with me, He wants all of us to be His friends, but He says "if," He lets me say "no" if I choose not to be friends with Him, I can separate myself from Him:

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. Revelation 3:20

Draw nigh to God, and He will draw high to you. James 4:8

We make the first move, we draw nigh to God. Christ wants to sup with us, and Christ speaks for us when we come to God:

For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus; I Timothy 2:5

God urges us to approach. He gave Jesus as mediator so that nobody stands between God and us and He says we’re His friends:

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. John 15:13-15

Being God’s friend is part of what’s called "Individual Soul Liberty," but you’d be amazed how some leaders resist the idea of individual Christians having any liberty at all. One pastor said, "Jesus was talking to the apostles, church leaders may be God’s friends, but the people aren’t." It’s true that Jesus was talking to His inner circle in John 15, but what about Luke 12:4?

And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body... Luke 12:4

Jesus said this to a "multitude," He offers friendship to all who hear him. God also invites women to approach Him:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28

Women approach Christ exactly the same way as men. God’s most astonishing act in the New Testament may have been wiping out differences between men and women. "There is neither male nor female" went against custom, then and now.

Husbands and churches often try to take Christ’s liberty away from women. If women are free to use their God-given emotions and show God’s love, it’s hard for leaders to micro-manage. Leaders aren’t supposed to control the flock, they should to lead through persuasion and good examples:

Let every man [and woman] be fully persuaded in his own mind. Romans 14:5

Letting people be persuaded is part of "Individual Soul Liberty," but abusive leaders urge women to "bite and devour" the wives of anyone who doesn’t follow the party line. Love and liberty are of God; biting and devouring is of the flesh and of Satan:

For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another. Galatians 5:14-15

Leaders who encourage biting and devouring are not of God. I Peter 5:5 says that we’re to submit ourselves one to another, but submission to husband or pastor should not take away liberty in Christ. God warns that "false brethren" will try to take away our liberty and bring us into bondage:

And that because of false brethren unawares brought in, who came in privily to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage: to whom we gave place by subjection, no, not for an hour; that the truth of the gospel might continue with you. Galatians 2:4-5

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1

God tries over and over to get people to approach Him to be His friends. He sets us free to speak to Him directly if we wish. Do people want to talk to God? Do people want God’s friendship?

How many of you know Dr. Thompson’s chain reference Bible? He and his wife spent more than thirty years making the Bible easier to study; they wanted to help people relate to God. The 1908 edition was published 300 years after the King James Bible made it possible for church members to read the Bible. They wrote, "Many Christians are satisfied to receive all their truth filtered through the mind of some teacher, minister, or commentator, seldom or never going to the Book of Books for independent study. They inevitably become mere echoes of the opinions of others. They are not ‘grounded in the truth’ hence, they are liable to be ‘carried about with every wind of doctrine.’ It is a great day for a little child when he learns to feed himself; so it becomes a new era in a believer’s life when he forms the habit of going daily to the original sources of spiritual truth for his own personal nourishment." The Bible had been available for 300 years, and many Christians would still rather get truth from others.

The Thompsons tried hard to make it easier for Christians to know God. Did they succeed? Not really, many Christians still expect the pastor to speak to God and then tell them what God said; they’d rather get truth through someone else.

There’s a problem with living on second-hand truth. I can tell you about God, you can know about God by listening to me, but you can’t know God unless you read His words yourself. Suppose you’re dating. Your friend’s parents or friends can tell you about him or her, but you can’t know the person unless you talk directly. God wants us to know Him, He wants us to read His word and talk to Him in prayer. Pastors can help learn about God, but God wants us all to want to know Him for ourselves.

People often end up worshiping the pastor instead of worshiping God, which is idolatry. Why do so many pastors rule as popes? The people won’t relate to God, they don’t want to study the Bible, they’d rather worship a man, they’d rather have the pastor or some other leader be to them instead of God as Moses was instead of God to Aaron (Exodus 4:16). Jesus said this would happen:

I am come in my Father's name, and ye receive me not: if another shall come in his own name, him ye will receive. John 5:43

When church members worship the leader instead of worshipping God, the leader can’t lead in God’s name, he leads in his own name, and the members receive the leader instead of receiving Christ, just as He said. Letting someone else talk to God for me limits my Christian growth. My salvation, which keeps me out of hell, is between God and me. I can’t stay out of hell on anybody else’s salvation, I can’t go to heaven on anyone else’s salvation, God says I need my own:

Work out your own salvation in fear and trembling. Philippians 2:12

Working out my own salvation means learning about God and deepening my own relationship with Him. People seem to be afraid to open their hearts to God, maybe they’re afraid that God will know their faults. This can be frightening, which may be why people don’t want to approach God. If we relate to Christ, if we’re friends with Christ, we belong to Him forever:

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: and I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. John 10:27-28

Looking at the seeds God made to help us understand His Word. Throughout the Bible, God compares the bond between Him and His people to the bond between husband and wife. Looking at the marriages God made helps us understand God’s word.

Some people are afraid to relate to God. The same fear keeps people from developing marriage relationships. A man may be afraid to open his heart to his wife because she might not respect him if she knows him. That’s silly, God made most women so that they understand a man pretty well, there’s little a wife doesn’t know about her husband. Women have the same fears. God made women so that they become emotionally dependent on their husbands, but belonging to a man frightens most women.

My wife was frightened on our wedding night, she hadn’t expected to feel so dependent on me, but she knew that she belonged to God. She realized that God had given her to me by putting those feelings in her. She accepted belonging to me as she belonged to God. As for me, we’d been married a few weeks when I happened to hear her telling a friend about me; I was afraid that she knew me so well that she’d hurt me. But I realized that God already knew all about me and that God had given me a wife who loved me even though she understood me, I realized it was comforting for my wife to know me as it was comforting for God to know me.

Our relationships with God made our marriage relationship possible. God knew me first, so I could accept God’s wanting her to know me. She was God’s first, so she could accept God’s giving her to me. There’s fear in a man letting his wife know him. There’s fear in a woman belonging to her husband and letting him take her. There’s fear in getting to know other church members, we’re afraid that people won’t respect us if they know us. Fear keeps us from loving God; fear keeps us from loving each other.

The sad part about people closing themselves in marriage is that it won’t work. God gave women the gift of intuition, the only way a man can keep his wife from knowing him is to leave. If he lives with her, she’ll know him. Why, then, does he have to talk to her? I’ve seldom told my wife anything she didn’t already know, but my telling her makes her happy because she likes knowing that I want her to know. Similarly, God made women for men, the only way a wife can avoid belonging to her husband is to avoid him. My wife decided to be mine, she tells me she likes being mine; I like knowing that she likes being mine.

God knows all about us, there’s nothing we can do about that, but if we open ourselves to Him in prayer, He likes knowing that we want Him to know. The Bible says that we belong to God, but God likes hearing that we like belonging to him. As a wife wants her husband to want her to know him, God wants us to want Him to know us. God wants us to want to be His friends.

Jesus commands us to love one another. That sounds so simple, but it’s not easy, which is why it’s commanded so often:

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. Mark 12:30-31

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. John 13:34-35

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. John 15:12

These things I command you, that ye love one another. John 15:17

For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. I John 3:11

And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment. I John 3:23

And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also. I John 4:21

God commands us to love others! People know we love God when they see us love others, but we can’t love each other unless we love God first. The love God wants is a supportive, sacrificial, foot-washing, serving love. And I’ll tell you a secret–nobody deserves or earns your love. I’m not worth my wife’s love, she loves me by grace because she loved God first.

Some Christians act like they believe that they aren’t good enough to approach God but the Bible says it’s OK:

But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: John 1:12

God loved us so much that He sent Jesus to die for us and to cleanse us, believing on Him gives us power to become sons of God!

What happens in churches where the people won’t relate to God? Mostly, they worship a man instead of worshipping God. It may start with people depending on him, he may not want worship at first, but it’s a leader’s duty to rend his clothes and say, "See thou do it not," (Revelation 19:10, 22:9) when people start worshipping him.

What happens when a church follows a man instead of following the Holy Spirit? Such churches have checklists – skirts must be that long, men wear this kind of tie, check all the boxes, you’re a good Christian. "Checklist Christianity" is not what God wants. He made us all different, we have different convictions, we live different Christian lives, we’re snowflakes, not checklists. God gives each church body the members it needs to do the job He wants that church to do:

But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. I Corinthians 12:18

We must welcome, and love, and accept, and uphold, and use anybody God sends through the church door. God wants us unified:

That there should be no schism [division, disagreement] in the body; I Corinthians 12:25

God wants us to agree on church matters. God doesn’t ask the impossible, He wouldn’t tell us to agree if we couldn’t, He knows we can agree, but most churches won’t take the time, they won’t work to understand each other well enough to agree.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

A checklist church has no need for longsuffering, if someone doesn’t conform, just kick ‘em out! Once he’s up on that pedestal, the leader thinks he has to be perfect or people will lose confidence in him, so he can’t ever admit a mistake. He talks to God so he can’t hear suggestions from us peasants, he decides how to use the gifts which God was pleased to set into the body. When the leader gives out a plan and someone makes a suggestion or asks a question, the leader thinks they’re rebelling, not helping.

We’re laborers together with God, we’re led by the Holy Spirit. No one person has all the gifts needed to guide the church, but leaders who’re up on a pedestal can’t labor together, they always have to be boss, "It’s my way or the highway."

These guys often develop a warped view of love. I’ve heard, "You don’t love me. If you loved me, you’d do what I tell you." Satan likes this bent picture of love. I have a friend whose father insisted that his family obey him in every detail. He gave his daughter permission to marry, then commanded her to leave her husband. He threw his son out of his home, his wife agreed with the son and moved out. Having worked out their own salvation, his family couldn’t obey him, and he felt that no one loved him. He recently committed suicide. Jesus said we’d keep His commandments if we love Him, but that doesn’t apply to human leaders:

But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42

Jesus commands Christians not to exercise authority over each other but to serve each other.

So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you? Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. John 13:12-15

"But," some say, "how do I get people to do right without commanding?" Acts 17 and 18 teach that Paul "persuaded."

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad. Knowing therefore the terror of the LORD, we persuade men... II Corinthians 5:10-11

And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; II Timothy 2:24-25

Even with heaven and hell in the balance, leaders persuade and instruct meekly, they never command. Why? What’s wrong with commanding? It’s sin to obey men without believing that it’s what Jesus wants. "Whatever is not of faith is sin" (Romans 14:23), if a leader commands without persuading, his people are in sin even if they do right. It’s good to give money to support God’s work, for example, but if someone gives because he’s been bashed, it’s sin. Doing the right thing without faith is sin. And since I can’t see into your hearts, I can’t know whether you’re acting in faith or not. I can’t judge, but if I’m bothered, I can ask you "why." Criticizing would be biting and devouring, so I either ask you "why" or I shut up, that’s all the choices I have.

You’ll also hear, "If you’re offended by what I say, you’re not right with God," but preaching should bring conviction, not offense

Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! Matthew 18:7

And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; that ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ. Philippians 1:9-10

Paul prayed that the Philippians wouldn’t give offence. We’re to be honest, but Ephesians 4:15 says to speak the truth in love!

A checklist church has unwritten rules, you get funny looks and don’t know why, and people won’t greet you until the leaders signal that you’re OK. And what happens when you ask advice? Does the leader tell you what to do and expect you to follow his convictions, or does he lead you into the Bible and help you find your own convictions in the Word of God? A checklist church wants you to do as you’re told, they don’t want you living by your convictions which might take you out of their checklist.

Worst of all, you have no value as a person, only as a customer. We’re not talking "self esteem," you shouldn’t think highly of yourself, but a church should value you as Christ valued you, how can a church treat you as a mere customer? But many do.

Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men. I Corinthians 7:23

When your children’s friends visit, are they interested in fellowship, or are they only interested in playing with your toys? Are the other members interested in fellowship, do they value you only for the work you do, or do they care about you at all? We go to church to serve God, not to yield ourselves to men (Romans 6:16). I can treat you as a toy to be used and discarded or I can treat you as a treasure for whom Christ died. Which does God expect? If a church doesn’t value you, should you be there?

Jesus said, "for my yoke is easy and my burden light." The Pharisees had 360 rules in their checklist; Jesus gave one:

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. John 15:12

Only one command, everything else, fruit of the spirit, marriage, the work of the ministry, it all comes from loving one another.

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:43-44

Loving one another, and loving our enemies too. We can’t do that without loving God, and we can’t love God without loving all these people. But if we do that, and God promises us the power to be His sons and to love one another if we ask for it, we can choose to be the friends of God! That’s what God wants, He wants us to want to be His friends. Is that what we want?