Secular Support for Scripture
Feel free to use this material in any way that supports His cause! The SecularSupportOfScripture.doc file is available from the shared library https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1JQV9oEZwRL_H7Whck66UuRGruJQ2nfyk?usp=sharing. Books about marriage are available in paperback or Kindle book from our author page https://www.amazon.com/Bill-and-Roberta-Taylor/e/B09DTMSHT8/
Secular Support for Scripture
God ordained both salvation and marriage. If you try to go to Heaven your own way, you go to Hell when you die. If you try to do marriage your own way, you can make life Hell on earth. If you do it God’s way, you can give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven on earth, but Churches have forgotten how Holy Matrimony works. Our divorce rate is the same as among the lost. When lost people see that we can’t handle this life any better than they, why should they care what we say about the life to come?
Society once supported marriage – it was illegal for a couple to live together without being married, and divorce was difficult. With no-fault divorce, it‘s easier to end a marriage than to stop paying for a refrigerator. Parents and churches must teach marriage much more strongly than in the past.
God’s Simple Plan of Marriage is no longer taught. Older women must teach young women about men (Ti. 2:4-5[1]). Older men must teach young men to honor, praise, respect, and protect women (Ti. 2:6[2]).
Knowing that there would be falling away, God arranges scientific progress to make it harder to deny “his eternal power and Godhead (Ro. 18:20).” We’ll explore two secular books which uphold and amplify Biblical teaching about marriage. Before that, however, we must understand the most important thing in marriage!
Give Your Spouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You
Naomi gave the foundation of marriage when she hoped her daughters would find rest with new husbands:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
My wife asked God to choose her husband. God couldn’t give her to me without sanding off some rough spots, so God led her to ask that I never criticize her. “Your opinion of me will be very important to me. I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
Men, you know why you married your wife. She probably doesn’t know why you married, women marry for other reasons, but you know. Why make it hard for your wife to love you?
Nowhere in the Bible does a husband criticize his wife. I want to make it as easy for her to love me as I possibly can. I watch what I say so she can feel safe and find rest in belonging to me. Scripture tells how:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
People who love each other can be hurt badly by unkind words. We try to be sure our tongues are health.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 4:31-5:2
Our sins have been washed away. When God looks on my wife or me, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 6:11[3]). To be a follower of God, we must see each other and think of each other and speak of each other as having the same perfection that God sees in us by His grace.
This makes it safe for me to rest in loving her. Men don’t want to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt. Men are afraid to open their hearts because they know that women can slice men to ribbons:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare men. He may declare his love, but may not admit his love to himself. God says it’s OK:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a
Wives, how can you expect him to open his heart to you as you need if you hurt him? Men, how can you expect your wife to open herself to you if you hurt her? Kindness is fundamental to marriage. Now the books.
Hooked
Hooked: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development https://a.co/d/23NZaPL explains how hormones produced during sex change our brains to bind sexual partners together. As God put it,
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
Hooked explains God’s command that men and women marry before having sex. Hooked has 173 pages. If God explained each of His commands, the Bible would be far too big for hand-copying. God seldom explains the reasons for His commands, He expects us to obey through faith. Hooked reports:
The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are “designed” to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter.[4] [emphasis added]
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[5]). Giving herself to a man binds her to him. Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly. Breaking up can make it hard for either of them to form a strong marriage later.
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[6] [Because women are made for men; men aren’t made for women.]
The book “Unprotected” by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman https://a.co/d/fIG4k9d confirms that casual sex is very damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 university students for depression and other emotional problems, she wrote that a woman can become very depressed when she finds that her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex. Most women associate sex with commitment; men not as much.
The story of the sports hero and the cheerleader happens over and over again in colleges and high schools. As they approach the championship, cheerleaders compete to see which can encourage him the most. One of them catches his eye, he says he loves her, and they end up in bed. That seldom works out well for her.
Older Women
Older women are commanded to teach younger women about men. Lesson #1 is that when a man says he loves her, he wants to bed her. Jacob worked for Rachel’s father for seven years. He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked, and did things together. Why wasn’t this enough? Why did he want to marry her?
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Jacob wanted to marry so he could have sex with Rachel; God and custom required marriage before sex.
God gave us the Book of Ruth as a romance novel: a poverty stricken widow goes to a strange land to find God, works hard, shows virtue, marries a rich guy, and becomes an ancestor of Jesus. As a widow, Ruth knew what men were all about, but she followed when Naomi told her to ask Boaz to marry her. When Ruth got back from the party and told Naomi, she got the best older woman advice on getting married you’ll ever hear:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18 The best advice on getting married there is.
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth suggested it, it was such a good idea he ran out the next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. If a woman gives a man rest outside marriage, her value falls (Pr. 31:10[7]). What would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? Why take on responsibility? If he takes her without marrying her, how can she trust him not to take some other women? If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her? A man will marry if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way she will let him have her.
If a woman’s on the pill, a man feels she expects to have sex, so why not with him? If she isn’t on the pill, she can say “No, I’ll get pregnant. Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.” That’s taught in Gen. 24:67[8]. If a man’s offer to a woman doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical. If he can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her and discard her. God hates that!
Women must also be taught that God created them to be His treasured gift for one man, not sex toys who wander from man to man seeking love. More support from Hooked:
“Those who abstain from sex until marriage significantly add to their chance for avoiding problems and finding happiness.”[9]
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex.”[10]
“. . . the inability to bond after multiple liaisons is rooted in the fact that our behaviors actually physically change our brains. The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals.”[11]
“. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[12]
Some tell women not to kiss because kissing may give a man ideas. That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When both parties have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.[13] [emphasis added]
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited. We had to talk through our disagreements. We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[14]
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[15]
After Marriage
The Song of Solomon explains the principles of maintaining a happy marriage.
1) It starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her (Song 1:2[16]). Feeling appreciated by his wife makes a man more inclined to take care of her and to appreciate her by praising her in return. How will a husband respond to being praised for kissing his wife? Sex exalts a man:
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
2) There is no criticism at all in the Song, only praise in mind-numbing detail. Husband and wife are constantly looking for little things about each other to praise and appreciate. The way it's put sounds odd, but you can re-word it to make sense to your spouse. Married people need constant praise, support, appreciation, and affirmation from each other. Thank God for marriage and for your spouse!
3) The husband is totally involved with his wife. He tells everyone that she's uniquely perfect:
Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song 6:9
He's so focused on her that he doesn't see other women as women, only as people.
4) The wife has the security of knowing that her husband belongs to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
What must a man do to convince his wife that he belongs to her?
5) The wife recognizes and encourages her husband's desire for her:
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
She asks her mother for advice:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather do something else is what submission means. She has more capacity than he; she can drain off all of his sexual energy. She can say they could do it more often if he was in better shape; exercising helps him live longer. Her gladly encouraging his possessiveness makes it very hard for other women to get his attention, but if she sends him off to work loaded, he'll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28[17]).
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
His Open Heart
God led my wife to teach that a husband’s goal is 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his plan. 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man “has humbled” a woman by having her. A girl understands that 5 times will wipe out her independence and make her belong to him. She’ll be upset until my wife reminds her that she wants her husband to open his heart to her in open talk at least that often. Girls know that having a man open his heart makes him belong to her. Giving his life for her life is OK.
Opening her body makes a wife belong to her husband. Opening his heart makes him belong to his wife. God knows that opening his heart is as frightening for a man as opening her body can be for a woman:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
The Bible tells us how a woman feels if a man doesn’t open his heart when taking her:
And she [Delilah] said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her? Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines? She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him. It’s the sports hero and the cheerleader all over again.
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can give a woman food, clothing, and shelter but not give her his heart. It’s far easier to love God or another person with your mind than with your heart, but love as a mental exercise doesn’t do much good. That’s why God always put “heart” first. If we first love Him and our spouses with our hearts, our minds, strength, might, and everything else follow. We must guard our hearts so that we do not become emotionally involved with anything that can become more important to us than God or more important than our spouse:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
God expects our minds to be diligent, that is, very careful, to rule our emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Rewards of Obedience
Remember the saying – “The time my father got me, his mind was not on me.” What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? The only way a mother can give her child a father is by belonging to him thoroughly before getting pregnant. If she requires that he commit himself by marrying her before giving herself and convinces him that she belongs to him by encouraging him to have her whenever he can, her children belong to him.
“Vasopressin [the neurochemical that affects a man’s brain as oxytocin affects a woman’s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate and attachment to his offspring. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding and bonding between fathers and children.”[18] [emphasis added]
Women communicate heart to heart; men communicate belly to belly. It’s a sacrifice for a man to talk as much as his wife needs. It’s a sacrifice for a wife to meet her husband’s needs. She thinks he wants to do the same old thing over and over. He thinks that she wants to talk about the same old thing over and over. God expects a man to open his heart to his wife often enough and thoroughly enough to learn each other’s needs:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
If a man won’t honor his wife by listening to her enough to know how best to nourish and cherish her, his prayers are blocked. This takes a lot of talk. Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! We’d talked a lot while dating because we couldn’t yet do what I wanted to do. I thought once we were married, we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. The Holy Spirit led her to tell me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant. Men and women have very different views of what marriage is!
Unprotected shows that a woman can become depressed if she finds out that her boyfriend saw her only in terms of sex. A man must talk to a woman enough to learn about her other characteristics, skills, gifts, interests, and knowledge so that he can appreciate her as an entire person before the wedding. There is a difference between a man wanting a woman and a man valuing her.
The Bible Gives Balance
The more a man takes his wife, the more she wants to talk. The more a man talks, the more he wants to have her. They must “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[19])” to make this work. The Bible tells how:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. Matthew 10:39
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. Mark 8:35
The wife not having power means she must open herself to her husband to keep him from temptation. The man not having power of his body means he must open his heart to protect her from temptation. If he doesn’t meet her emotional needs, she’ll be tempted to talk emotionally to other men. This often leads to physical infidelity. God warns that its fraud against your marriage vows not to meet your spouse’s needs.
God rewards a woman for giving herself to her husband by arranging that his hormones bind him to her and to her children if she gives herself often. God gives a similar reward to a man who opens his heart:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
- Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman must include food, clothing, and shelter. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well for either of them.
- She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they had both made public marriage vows before he took her.
- Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting him is emotionally exhausting. Being reminded that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:214 ).
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven that compares with having a woman like belonging to him and enjoy comforting him. Marriage is worth the burden and responsibilities of marriage:
Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Pro. 5:18
Blessing her husband’s fountain whenever he’s ravished with her love is part of her marriage burden. Opening his heart to her whenever she needs to talk is part of his. They protect each other from temptation.
Some wedding vows say “to have and to hold.” The man marries to have her; she marries so he’ll hold her. A man must fulfill his God-given duty to nourish her and cherish his wife (Eph. 5:29[20]) by serving her (Mk. 9:35[21], 10:42-44[22]) as long as they both shall live. God expects her to serve him by being his help meet (Gen. 2:18[23]) reverencing him (Ep. 5:33[24]), belonging to him, and guiding his house.
To Sum Up
God made sex powerful to hold marriages together. Safe within the fireplace of marriage, sex warms you all your days. Outside the fireplace, it can burn your life to the ground. Doing it often binds a couple together.
“. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[25]
A man must convince his wife he loves her for her to be able to comfort him. Sex hormones calm her[26], take away her independence, and make her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel that and will try to evade him. If he works as hard as the husband in the Song to convince her that he rejoices in her, she’ll rejoice in his joy in having her as she gives herself to him.
This affects the way she walks, the way she talks, and her facial expressions. Anyone can see if he has made her comfortable enough to rest in belonging to him that she can rejoice in giving herself that often.
We need to teach Christians that scientific research supports God’s old paths:
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. But they said, We will not walk therein. Jeremiah 6:16
Christians aren’t raising enough faithful children to keep the church from dying out. We must convince young people that science shows that God’s old paths are indeed the best.
[1] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
[2] Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. Titus 2:6
[3] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[4] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[5] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[6] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[7] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[8] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[9] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 132
[10] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[11] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[12] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[13] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[14] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[15] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[16] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[17] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
[18] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[19] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[20] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[21] If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35b
[22] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:42-44
[23] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[24] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[25] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[26] Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant
posted by Bill Taylor at 4:51 PM
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