Forgiveness Is Not An Option

How many of you have heard of Ingrid Betancourt?  The Colombian military rescued her from the FARC drug dealers on July 2, 2008.  She’d been captive for six years; her scars from being chained to trees give evidence of cruel treatment.  She knows that every human has an animal inside.  “In any situation like the ones I experienced, perhaps any of us could do those kinds of cruel things. For me it was like understanding what I couldn't understand before, how for example the Nazis, how (things like that) could have happened.”

The Tribune described her treatment by FARC:

“It was not treatment that you can give to a living being,” …  She added: “I wouldn't have given the treatment I had to an animal, perhaps not even to a plant.”

The New York Times reported that she had been tortured and quoted her as saying that her captors had fallen into “diabolical behavior,” adding, “It was so monstrous I think they themselves were disgusted.”

A couple of months after she was kidnapped, she was given her meal wrapped in a newspaper.  This was the first reading matter she'd seen since being snatched; she absorbed it eagerly.  It was the account of her father's funeral, brought especially to her for her reading pleasure.

Mrs. Betancourt has looked in the face of evil.  A gang of drug dealers tortured their helpless captive for years.  They were disgusted by what they did, yet they did it for six years.  There was no profit in torturing her, she knew nothing they needed to know; she was a hostage, a tool to get leverage against the outside world.

The people of FARC define evil.  They did evil, they were disgusted by their evil, they knew it was evil, they gained nothing from their evil; they did evil for the sake of doing evil.  If they were like the Nazis, they played games among themselves, trying to think of newer, more exotic ways to outdo each other in how evil they could be.  She says that what they did to her gave her an understanding of what the Nazis did to their helpless victims; looking daily in the face of evil explained the lamp shades the Nazis made from human skin.

Everyone wants to know what happened to her but she isn’t ready to say.  Newsweek quotes her:

I know that I have to testify to all that I lived.  I know it is something that has to be done, but I need time.  It is not easy to talk about things that still hurt.  It will probably hurt all my life.  I want to forgive, but forgiveness comes with forgetting.  I have to forget in order to find peace in my soul and be able to forgive.  But at the same time, once I have forgiven and forgotten, I will have to bring back memories [to tell others]. They will probably be filtered by time so they won't come with all the pain that I feel right now.

Mrs. Betancourt understands that she must forgive her torturers to find peace in her own soul.

Forgiveness is Not an Option

When something really bad happens, how often have we heard, “Just let go of it and move on.”?  Wounded people have to move on, of course, but “just let go” is far too simplistic to do any good.  Mrs. Betancourt knows it's not just “let go and move on,” it's “forgive, then you can let go and move on.  The Bible teaches that you can't move on until you let go and you can't let go until you forgive through the grace of God.

Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; [not forgive] lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;  Hebrews 12:15

Mrs. Betancourt has it right.  She realizes that being bitter will defile her soul.  She must forgive those who tortured her with such calculated cruelty.  Forgiving is the only path to finding peace in her soul.  She’s been treated so badly that if she keeps her bitterness inside her, bitterness will defile her and destroy her.

I have many friends who've been treated badly, but I don't know of anyone who's been treated as badly as Mrs. Betancourt except possibly Sen. McCain.  As Sen. McCain went to Vietnam, visited his former prison, and forgave those who tortured him, Mrs. Betancourt knows that she must forgive if only to find peace in her own soul.  Her captors may never know of her forgiveness; they may not care if they ever hear of it, but granting forgiveness is essential for her to move on.  Forgiveness is for her, not for them.  Forgiveness is for you.

Gazing in the Face of Evil

What happened to her was so traumatic that she'll have to forget temporarily to gain enough strength to forgive.  Once she forgives, however, she plans to remember so she can tell others.  Her experience led her to “understanding what I couldn't understand before.”  Having been unable to understand evil before being kidnapped and tortured, she realizes that ordinary citizens can't understand why we must fight the forces of evil.  She wants to help naive people understand that evil is real in the hearts and lives and minds of men.

Mrs. Betancourt gazed every day, every hour, in the face of evil, eyeball to eyeball, for six long years.  She knows that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9).  She understands that, “perhaps any of us could do those kinds of cruel things.”  She knows that all men have sinned (Ro. 3:23).  She plans to remember all her pain and tell us about it.  She wants us to know what evil is like.  Maybe we'll understand why we must fight the forces of evil which are loose in our world.  I hope she can convey her message before it's too late.

There is evil in the world.  People will wrong us, but we must forgive.  We must forgive for two reasons:

First, Mrs. Betancourt recognizes that she must forgive for the sake of her own soul.  If you don’t forgive, bitterness springs up and troubles you and defiles you.  We all know that, we’ve all been bitter at one time or another; we know the harm bitterness does to our sense of peace.  We must forgive if only for our own sake.

The second reason to forgive is that God commands you to forgive and gives you the power to forgive.

The Power of God to Forgive

The newspapers say Mrs. Betancourt is Catholic; the only possession she could bring out of her captivity was a rosary she’d made from leaves and thread.  She said that her prayers to God kept her alive.  I can believe that, but I wonder whether she plans to forgive her torturers in her own strength or whether she’ll lean on the power of God to forgive.  I suspect she’s trying to do it in her own strength.  She said, “I have to forget in order to find peace in my soul and be able to forgive.”  She says she can’t forgive unless she forgets first.

That’s not what the Bible teaches.

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:31-32

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.  Colossians 3:13

The Bible says twice we’re to forgive as Jesus forgave.  Did Jesus have to forget our sins in order to forgive them?  No, He said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).  He knew their sin and He forgave them anyway.  Mothers forgive children without forgetting what their kids did; Jesus doesn’t have to forget what His children do in order to forgive us.  We needn’t forget to forgive; we need His help to forgive.

We can’t forgive in our own strength; forgiveness requires the grace of God.  Ever hear of Corrie Ten Boom?  The book, “The Hiding place,” tells how her family hid Jews during WW II.  This was against the law; the Nazis’ laws said Jews had to be turned in.  She and her family were criminals in the eyes of the law.

Toward the end of the war, the Nazis caught them and took them to concentration camps.  Every one of her family except Corrie died in the camps.  She and her sister were imprisoned together.  Her sister became ill.  She knew her sister would get well if she got better food and was kept warm for a few days.  She begged the guards to help her just a little so her sister would live.  They mocked her sorrow; her sister died.

It’s one thing to lose a loved one when doctors do all they can.  It’s something else to be in prison and hear, “We could cure her; we’ll let her die.”  Could you forgive men who mocked your tears as they let your child die?  Not in your own strength, you couldn’t.  How do I know?  Corrie couldn’t, not in her own strength.  After months of travel Europe and America preaching forgiveness, she visited Germany.  This is her testimony:

It was a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former SS man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck [the prison].  He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time.  And suddenly it was all there-the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s [her sister] pain-blanched face.

She’d put memory aside, but “suddenly it was all there,” she couldn’t forget.  Neither can Mrs. Betancourt.

He came up as the church was emptying, beaming, and bowing.  “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,” he said, “to think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!”

His hand was thrust out to shake mine.  And I, who had preached so often to the people in Blomendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.

Had she forgiven the men who murdered her sister and the rest of her family?  No.  She was saved, she had God’s forgiveness of her sins, but she couldn’t forgive, she couldn’t shake his hand, not in her strength alone.

Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them.  Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more?  “Lord Jesus,” I prayed, “forgive me and help me to forgive him.”

I tried to smile; I struggled to raise my hand.  I could not.  I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity.  And so again, I breathed a silent prayer, “Jesus, I cannot forgive him.  Give me Your forgiveness.”

As I took his hand, the most incredible thing happened.  From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger which almost overwhelmed me.

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His.  When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.

Corrie couldn’t forgive the man in her own strength any more than she could save herself in her own strength, but she could forgive him through “Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13).  But note, please, God did not answer her first prayer to forgive the man, she had to ask again.

Showing Christ through Forgiveness

That’s the third reason we must forgive–we show Christ in our forgiveness.  The SS man knew he’d done terrible evil, yet he felt the forgiveness of Christ as Corrie told him the gospel.  What if she hadn’t shaken his hand?  What if he saw she hadn’t forgiven him?  Would he have decided that her message of the gospel was a lie, rejected Christ, and gone to hell?  But she forgave him through the power of Christ!  He was saved!

He tested her.  He saw her hesitation; he saw the horror and fear on her face, he knew she felt the pain of his sins against her as Jesus felt the pain of our sins against Him.  When she asked Jesus to give her His forgiveness to pass along to the Nazi, Corrie was filled with love and became a new creature before his eyes.  The Nazi saw her forgiveness and felt Jesus’ love flow through her to him.  And so he believed.  We show Christ in our forgiveness, we show Satan in our bitterness, it’s one or the other.  Do you show God or do you show Satan?

God's love took away her fear of this man who’d hurt her so.  Even if Mrs. Betancourt forgives, what if she met one of the kidnappers who tortured her on the street?  She'd be terrified.  The Bible gives the cure for fear:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.  I John 4:8

God's love not only helped Corrie forgive, God's love for the Nazi took way her fear and became a stream of living water, pouring out God's grace, and love, and mercy, and forgiveness to this man through her.

Corrie ten Boom looked in the face of evil, saw evil kill her beloved sister and the rest of her family, and was released through a clerical error when ninety-six thousand other women died.  She went all over Europe bearing witness to the goodness and mercy of Christ.  In spite of preaching forgiveness, she could not forgive in her own strength.  Through Christ she forgave the man who murdered her sister without having to forget!

I know she needed God’s grace to forgive because I’ve had trouble forgiving.  Over 45 years of work, 5 men have cheated me for close to half a million.  My wife had trouble forgiving the first, but she forgave them all.  I’d forgiven 4 out of 5; I’d had trouble forgiving the 5^th.  I’d asked God’s help in forgiving, but as I wrote this, I realized I hadn’t humbled myself to ask the Lord to channel His forgiveness through me.  Only in Christ can we be truly forgiven, only in Christ could I truly forgive.  God brought him back into my life 36 hours later.

I don’t have enough grace of myself to forgive people who wrong me any more than Corrie ten Boom had enough grace to forgive the Nazi of herself.  God has enough grace for all of us, and He tells us how to get it:

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.  Hebrews 4:16

We don’t have to beg, we don’t have to be timid, we’re to come boldly to God’s throne of grace and get all we need.  We get grace for our sins and grace to help us forgive others.  God promises to answer when we pray “according to his will.”  He commands us to forgive; it’s His will that we forgive.  If we boldly pray for grace to forgive, He’ll give us the grace to forgive, and we’ll get extra mercy for ourselves while we’re at His throne.

My heart goes out to Mrs. Bentacourt.  She knows she must forgive to purify her soul of the evil poured out upon her, but she seems to think she can do it in her own strength.  I pray that she calls on God for His strength.

Forgiveness Determines Our Judgment

There’s one more reason to forgive-the way we forgive others affects our joy in our own forgiveness.

Judge not that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.  Matthew 7:1-2

If I won't forgive, I’ll doubt God’s forgiveness.  The more I pass on His mercy and His grace to others, the more His mercy and grace fill me and the more I can believe I have God’s mercy and His grace.  If I don’t forgive, who measures my unforgiveness to me?  Not God!  He forgave me.  I do, it’s my own unforgiveness that comes right back on me.  If I’m angry, it’s hard to believe that God isn’t angry with me.  My own anger, my own bitterness is measured back on to me.  I measure my own judgment back onto my own self!

God wants harmony in His church and in His marriages and among His people.  God knows we can’t follow His command to forgive without Him, Corrie ten Boom couldn’t, I can’t, you can’t, but He will help.  Jesus promised to save anyone who called on Him.  He also promised that God would answer certain prayers.

And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: and if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.  I John 5:14-15

Corrie prayed, “Jesus, I cannot forgive him.  Give me Your forgiveness.”  That’s like the sinner’s prayer, “Jesus, I cannot save myself, I cannot forgive myself.  Give me Your forgiveness.”  Many Christians doubt their salvation.  Why?  When you’re saved, you feel God’s forgiveness fill you, but you forget.  How do you renew the joy in your forgiveness?  By channeling God’s forgiveness to others.  If you won’t forgive, if you don’t let God’s forgiveness and His mercy flow through you to other people, you’ll forget and you'll doubt.

With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful; with an upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright; with the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself froward.  Ps 18:25-26

When the Bible speaks of God shewing Himself, it speaks of how God seems to you.  God is a God of love, mercy, and justice, but He won’t always seem that way.  If you’re merciful, that is, if you forgive other people, God seems merciful to you and you’ll feel forgiven.  What if you're forward?  “Froward” means “turning from, or turning way from, perverse, unyielding.”  If you’re froward, God seems to be perverse, He seems to be turning away from you and you won’t feel His love for you.  If you want to see and feel God’s forgiveness for you and His love for you, you must give God’s forgiveness and God’s love.  Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you (James 4:8).  You make the first move.  You determine how God seems to you.  If you want to feel forgiven, you must forgive!  Mrs. Betancourt knows she must forgive to purify her soul.

Forgiveness Shows Salvation

Some Christians tell me they know God would help them forgive, but they won’t ask because they don’t want to forgive.  Do these people have Christ at all?  God says I’ll be forgiven as I forgive others (Mt 6:12).

The guard heard Corrie’s story of evil done in his prison.  Knowing she’d recognize him, he tested her.  She couldn’t forgive by herself; she humbled herself and admitted she couldn’t do it.  She asked God’s help to do as God commands.  Her actions proved her faith as taught in the Book of James; God gave her the power to forgive; the guard felt her forgiveness.  Would he have believed her testimony without her forgiveness?  When a Christian says he won’t ask God to help him forgive, can I believe what he says about his salvation?

If you don’t want to forgive someone, are you sure you’re saved?  God sets His people apart unto God; that makes us holy.  Holiness includes grace and mercy as well as being set apart.  If you don’t have the grace and mercy of holiness, you may not be holy, you may not be set apart; you may not be saved.  Saved people have the desire to use God’s grace to bless others as Corrie blessed the Nazi who had harmed her so terribly.

If you aren’t holy, if you don’t have God’s grace within you, shouldn’t you ask for it?  God promises:

He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.  John 7:38

As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.  I Peter 4:10

Corrie was a good steward of the grace of God–she asked God for grace to help when she needed to forgive the man who’d wronged her; living water flowed from her to him.  We’re to channel God’s forgiveness to those God allows to hurt us.  God saved Corrie through a “clerical error” to channel His forgiveness.  I don’t know why God allowed Mrs. Betancourt to suffer such a trial, but her story is all over the world.  Pray that she might receive the grace of God!  Perhaps her message might bring revival to Europe and to the world.

Receiving Forgiveness

We must know our own need for forgiveness before we can be forgiven.  Then, we ask for God’s forgiving grace so we can channel God’s forgiveness to whoever harmed us.  Corrie ten Boom recognized her sin in not forgiving the Nazi.  She asked God to forgive her and to help her forgive him at the same time; she couldn’t forgive him in her own strength.  He recognized his sin; that’s why God could forgive him.

If Mrs. Betancourt calls on the Lord to help her forgive her torturers, God promises that she will be able to forgive, but what about them?  Let’s assume she’s able to forgive her torturers with God’s help as Corrie, with God’s help, forgave those who tormented her.  What then?

Her FARC kidnappers may not think they’ve done anything to forgive.  As bitterness of not forgiving defiles many, pride of not admitting sin defiles many.  Remember Jesus’ story of the two men who prayed:

Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.  The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.  I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.  Lk 18:10-12

The Pharisee’s heart had no room for seeing that he had done wrong.  Suppose he hurt someone and that person tried to forgive him.  Could he accept forgiveness?  No, he was too full of his own righteousness to need forgiveness.  Forgiveness was for sinners like the publican, not for exalted beings like him!  We must know our need for forgiveness to give forgiveness; we must know our need for forgiveness to receive forgiveness.

The Nazi who harmed Corrie said, “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein, to think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!”  Could the man have said that without knowing the evil he’d done?  Of course not.  It takes the same humility to accept forgiveness as it takes to give forgiveness.  Forgiveness comes only from God through the grace of God; we’re channels God uses to pass our forgiveness to others along with His.  When the man saw Corrie’s forgiveness, he could accept God’s forgiveness and be saved.

Corrie’s experience with the Nazi shows that God can touch the heart of anyone, no matter how evil.  Mrs. Betancourt’s forgiveness will heal her, but it won’t help her kidnappers unless they humble themselves and accept it.  God offers them forgiveness too, of course.  God’s forgiveness won’t help them unless they accept it; Mrs. Betancourt’s forgiveness won’t do them any good unless they accept it.  Given the nature of evil, they’ll have to accept God’s forgiveness in salvation before they can accept her forgiveness.

Given the nature of men and women, we must also forgive and accept forgiveness in our marriages.

Forgiveness in Marriage

Of all the people you know, your spouse is the most likely to hurt you.  Men and women are different enough to get on each other’s nerves.  The principles of giving and receiving forgiveness are the same in marriage as in church, but I know many, many couples who won’t forgive each other.  It’s usually due to pride–like the Publican, one or the other or most often both won’t admit that they could have done hurt.  Without an awareness of causing hurt, it’s impossible to ask for or to receive forgiveness.  Without the forgiveness of God’s grace to cover hurts, marriage sinks into a sea of pain.

God planned that married people wouldn’t be lonely, but I know many married people who are desperately lonely.  Marriage starts with “I do,” your marriage won’t work unless you say “I do” and mean it, but marriage runs on “I’m sorry.”  If you can’t humble yourself to say “I’m sorry” from your heart, if you can’t die to yourself to receive and give forgiveness, if you can’t communicate as long as it takes to find the hurt and fix it, how can you become “one flesh” as God commands (Mt. 19:5-6, Mk. 10:8)?

When we’re hurt, or angry, or offended, we tend to define “sin” as whatever we didn’t like.  Suppose a wife gets angry and her husband asks her forgiveness.  She may not want to forgive him unless he sees what he did in the way she sees it; she won’t forgive unless he becomes like her.  I’ve seen men do this, too.

I can’t insist that my wife see everything my way as a condition of receiving my forgiveness.  People differ in personality, gender, habits, culture, and priorities; misunderstandings can lead to demanding an apology or offering forgiveness when the other person has no clue what’s wrong.  It may take hours or days of talk to understand the hurt, but if you leave hurt alone, bitterness will defile your marriage over time.

God defines sin, not you or me.  God doesn’t have big sins and little sins.  Sin is any violation of God’s laws that we find in His book.  We sin if we don’t do what God commands or if we do what God forbids.  What we think is sin might be a difference of opinion.  It’s vital to really talk about what’s going on.  When my wife or I hurt each other, it’s usually because we didn’t understand what was being said.  Much of the time, a hurt may not be sin at all, but it’s vital to forgive and forget the hurt.  Forgiving is commanded, not forgiving is sin.

For all the married people I know who’ve suffered physical, mental, or emotional abuse; for all the married people I know who’ve been betrayed through adultery or other infidelities, I don’t know any who’ve suffered as much as either Mrs. Betancourt or Corrie ten Boom.  Mrs. Betancourt may or may not be able to forgive, but she realizes that she has to try for her own soul’s sake; Corrie forgave through the power of God.

God promises to forgive anyone who asks.  God promises to help anyone do as He commands.  God commands us to forgive as He forgives; it's not a suggestion.  If we’re Christians, if we’re God’s people, we had to humble ourselves to ask His forgiveness in the first place.  If we can do that, why can’t we humble ourselves to ask His help in forgiving others?  Why can’t we humble ourselves enough to try to understand, to ask forgiveness, and to receive forgiveness?  Are we so proud?  Or are we just too busy with the cares of this world to care enough about obeying God to seek the peace of God through giving forgiveness?

Conclusion

Forgiveness is not an option; it’s a command of God.  If you don’t forgive, bitterness defiles you.  Bitterness makes it hard for you to feel God’s love.  If you can’t feel God’s love, Satan makes you feel fear.  As with all God’s commands, forgiving is very hard.  As with all God’s commands, forgiveness is so hard that neither you nor I can forgive in our own strength, we have to ask God to forgive through us.  As Corrie felt the joy of God’s love flowing through her, there are great rewards in obeying God’s command to forgive.

Any wife knows that living with a man requires a double measure of forgiveness.  My wife forgives me more often than I know.  As she forgives me, it reminds us both that God forgives us.  Forgiving is so much harder for men that God gave a special command to men to love their wives and forgive their wives:

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.  Colossians 3:19

Forgiving each other reminds us that God forgives us, but there’s more to God’s grace in marriage than that.

Let me illustrate the joys of obeying God’s simple, but oh, so difficult, commands.  On our wedding night, Roberta opened herself to me; I took her to wife with joy and gladness.  She was filled with fear; her heart knew God wanted her to be mine; her head wanted to stay independent.  She couldn’t belong to me in her own strength.  She prayed; God gave her the strength.  She’s been mine since Aug. 21, 1971, and God has honored her obedience.  Belonging to me gives her confidence that she belongs to God, but what of me?

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;  Eph. 5:24

Can I love Roberta with the love of Christ in my own strength?  Of course not, but I asked Jesus’ help; He channeled His love through me to Roberta.  This isn’t John 3:16 which says God loves the world, it says “as Christ also loved the church.”  This is Jesus’ love for His very own people, for His very own church.

Wives know men are possessive; what about Jesus?  Is Jesus possessive of His Own?  John 10:28 says, “neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.”  Ponder this.  Jesus gave Himself for the church.  He leads us, He nourishes us, He cherishes us, but what about the lost?  What about those who aren’t His?  He loves them, He longs for them, He has compassion for them, but He can’t nourish them as He nourishes His own.  There are people in the church whom Christ can’t love fully because they walk their own way, they won’t ask Him for leadership or guidance.  They walk in the flesh, not the spirit.  They don’t act like they’re His.

Woman, how can your husband nourish you and cherish you if you aren’t his?  Through God’s grace, he can in part, but not fully.  Roberta made it easier for me to give my life for her by belonging to me.  Through God’s grace, I’ve given my life to nourishing her; I belong to her as she belongs to me, it’s mutual.  People know when husband and wife belong to each other; a couple can’t be one flesh without belonging to each other.  Couples who walk in the flesh instead of belonging to each other give little if any light to a lost and dying world.

Men, think about this.  Lost folks sing to women “Stand by your man;” how can your wife stand by you if you aren’t hers?  God wants married people to belong to each other and become one flesh in Him (Mt 19:5-6).

The Bible teaches that women are made for men; Roberta felt a very strong surge of wanting to belong to me after I took her to wife.  I know many women who belong to men who won’t belong to them.  When a man won’t belong to his wife, it’s nearly impossible for him to believe that she belongs to him; he usually tries to rule her by crushing her.  The woman dies inside; you can see death in her eyes, even in photographs.

Roberta didn’t tell me of her fears for 10 years after becoming mine, but she did want to talk about it.  She said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.”  I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me before our wedding that talking to me would be important to her, so we talked.  “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said.  I thought, “We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done.  “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you.  I’m doing it for God because He told me to.  I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”

Whoa.  I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it.  The next day, I told her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said.  God wants me to lead you and take care of you.  The Bible also says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all.  If I’m to lead you as God wants me to, I’ll have to serve you.  You said it very well–I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”

Roberta had known that women are made for men but she hadn’t expected her heart to want her to lose her independence and belong to me.  Being mine was humbling and scary, but she was saved, she knew that she belonged to God and trusted God to take care of her.  She chose to humble herself and let God give her to me.

I knew I loved her but I hadn’t realized how much God wanted me to serve her nor did I know that God wanted me to become hers by opening my heart to her.  I was saved, I trusted God with my life, it was OK with me for God to tell me to humble myself by belonging to the woman He gave me to be my wife.  Serving God in the past made it easier for us to humble ourselves, belong to each other, and become “one flesh.”  A wife wants her husband to be hers as much as he wants her to be his, but most married people keep their independence and refuse to become one.  Obeying God by belonging to each other is humbling but it has brought us great joy.

John 10:29 says, “My Father, which gave them me.”  Christians are God’s gift to Jesus as a husband is God’s gift to his wife and a wife is God’s gift to her husband.  It’s mutual belonging; the Song of Solomon says twice that the husband belongs to his wife and that she belongs to him.  Lost people speak of “my husband” and “my wife.”  Everybody knows a man should belong to his wife and that she should belong to him.

My wife also belongs to Jesus.  She knows that Jesus’ love is not oppressive or demanding, Jesus’ love is for her good.  Watching how Jesus nourishes her and cherishes her as God’s gift to Him teaches her how to nourish me and cherish me as God’s gift to her; she cherishes me for my good.  God gave women a desire to take care of their husbands, but your wife can’t care for you fully unless you belong to her.

I belong to Jesus.  I watch Jesus take care of me; I see how He takes care of me for my good.  When Roberta became mine, I knew I had to care for her for her good, not for my good.  We knew how we should care for each other from watching Jesus care for us, but neither of us can nourish the other fully without His help.

A woman can belong to a man for a while even if he isn’t hers, but unless he belongs to her, he won’t realize that she’s his.  It’s difficult for a woman to continue to belong to a man who refuses to belong to her.  Some may think I’m less of a man because I belong to a woman, but consider this.  I’m hers, so my happiness belongs to Roberta; making me happy makes her happy.  Giving herself to me gladly makes me very happy.  She gives herself, not grudgingly or of necessity, but cheerfully (II Co. 9:7).  Belonging to a wife who’s glad to give herself to me makes me more of a man; seeing my joy in her makes her happy.

God expects me to give my life for her.  I earn so much an hour; when she spends that much, she’s spent one hour of my life.  I give my life, not grudgingly or of necessity, but cheerfully (II Co. 9:7).  Roberta is mine; her happiness belongs to me.  Spending money on our house or children makes her happy; her happiness makes me far happier than spending money on me.  Solomon's work was vanity because he did it for himself; my work is not at all vain because I'm doing it for her.  If you’re married, your joy lies in making your spouse happy.

Marriage isn't for you, it's for the other person, for your family, and for society.  You don’t marry to get, you marry to give; it’s just like the Christian walk.  We come to church to edify, to build up, to encourage, to minister, we don’t come to church just to get.  Coming to church blesses us just as God meant marriage to bless us, of course, but blessing comes more from giving than from getting.

How can you die to yourself and be saved without His help?  You can’t.  You can’t save yourself without His strength, you have to ask.  How can a man and a woman die to themselves and belong to each other in their own strength?  You can’t.  Roberta couldn’t, she had to ask God’s help, I couldn’t, I had to ask God’s help.  But as we ask God to help us belong to each other, God continually reminds us both that we belong to Him.  For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again (Matthew 7:2); we reap what we sow.  As Roberta and I sow forgiveness to each other, God reminds us that He forgives us both.  As we nourish and cherish each other, God reminds us that He cherishes and nourishes both of us because we both belong to Him.

Altar Call

It’s time to obey God; I speak to the saved, I speak to God’s people.  If you’ve never felt the forgiveness and love of God, you probably aren’t saved; you need to see someone and learn how to be saved.  You can’t give what you haven’t got; you can’t pass on God’s forgiveness unless you first have it yourself.

We then, as workers together with him, beseech you also that ye receive not the grace of God in vain.  (For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.)  II Corinthians 6:1-2

Paul reminded the Corinthians that as we work to build the church, we work together with God, we’re God’s co-workers.  He then begged them not to receive God’s grace in vain.  If you let God’s grace just sit in you, it’s in vain; you have to pass God’s grace on by forgiving other people.  Verse 2 reminds us that God helped us by giving us His grace in our day of salvation; He will help us by giving us His grace in our day of forgiveness.

I speak to God’s People who haven’t forgiven.  Now is the time to forgive.  You can’t do it by yourself, I couldn’t, but God can forgive anyone who wronged or offended you as God forgave you.  If you channel God’s forgiveness to someone else, you’ll remember how God saved you; if not, bitterness and fear consume you.

If you won’t do it for your own sake, if you won’t forgive to restore the joy in your own salvation, what about your children?  You want your children to accept God’s salvation.  Accepting God’s offer means believing God forgives them.  How can your children believe God forgives them if you won’t forgive?

If you’ve said anything bitter against the pastor, or me, or anyone in the church, your children know you won’t forgive.  When God draws your child, Satan whispers, “God won’t forgive you-your parents don’t forgive.  What makes you think God would forgive you?”  Here’s another of God’s commands:

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:31-32

Husbands, wives, what if there's adultery, fornication, or anger in your lives?  What if you won't forgive?  Your children know.  Your children may not know how you've hurt each other, but they know if you won't forgive.  Your children know whether you belong to each other.  Wife, if you won't forgive your husband enough to call him “lord,” how can your children call God “Lord?”

Husband, if you're bitter against your wife, if you won't forgive her, if you won't honor, praise, or appreciate her, you'll teach your sons to treat women as toys and you'll teach your daughters to let men play with them instead of treating them as treasures.  If either of you use your tongue as an evil-speaking sword against the other, you'll likely drive each other to the sins of the flesh, be it adultery in men and gossip and slander in women.  Your children will learn to use their tongues as swords; your house will be filled with conflict, and your children will learn to find pleasure in speaking evil one to another.

Let’s stand, we’ll beg for strength to forgive one another.  I know it’s hard.  If you have to come to the altar to ask God’s help, come, but remember the command, “As Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”  Remember, too, that if you refuse to forgive others, God will seem unforgiving to you.

For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again (Matthew 7:2).  If you won’t forgive, you won't feel forgiven.  God is a forgiving God, God doesn’t do this to you; you do it to yourself, but you also do it to your children.  If you don't forgive, if you don't see God as a forgiving God, your children won't believe in His forgiveness either.  If you want God to show Himself to you and to your children as a loving, forgiving God, you have to love and forgive.  Let’s forgive and rejoice in the joy of our forgiveness!

I know you can’t forgive.  I couldn't, Corrie ten Boom couldn't; you can't either.  God can forgive through you; God will forgive through you if only you ask.  It may take a while.  Corrie had preached forgiveness, it was near her heart; God answered her prayer on her second request, He didn’t do it right away.  It may take longer for you, but God will do it if you ask in faith because it's His will that you forgive.  When He does, you'll feel rivers of living water flow through; it will be like when you first felt the joy of forgiveness in salvation.

If you really want to forgive someone, if you want God’s love and forgiveness to flow through you, if you want God’s living waters to flow out of you, you have to pass it on.  Pray that God will give you the strength and humility to tell the other person of your forgiveness so you can enjoy the love and grace of God together.

What My Wife Told Me Before We Were Married

My wife and I have been happily married since 1971.  It’s obvious to everyone who knows us, and even to most who see us together for the first time.  Years ago, our granddaughter Veronica asked us why we were so happily married.

As we pondered her question, we realized that our answer could make a real difference in her life.  Kids today are subject to all the wrong influences, far more so than when we grew up.  Veronica paid us the compliment of asking how to avoid the road to misery so many travel today.

Roberta and I wanted to make sure we gave the very best advice we could.  We knew that as a girl becomes a woman, the way she manages her relationships with men has a profound effect on how her life turns out.

We realized that the strongest influence on a marriage is how the husband treats his wife.  The way he treats her is based on what happens before marriage, and most of that is determined by how the woman conducts herself.

Before we were married, my wife told me five vital facts about herself.  The truths she gave me became the foundation of our marriage.  We wrote them down for our granddaughter in the hope that she would position herself to be as valued, treasured, appreciated, and nourished as her grandmother.

We put them in a letter to Veronica.  We reviewed it and agonized over it and revised it a number of times.  This is what we sent.  We thought we would post it here, as others might find it helpful.

How She Knew What To Say

About a year before I found her, my wife was planning to marry a man she’d been dating for a while.  He looked really good – youth group leader, served in the church – so she asked God if she ought to marry him.  To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”

Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit guided a missionary who knew her friend well to her college.  He confirmed that the flaw God had pointed out would make it a bad idea for her to marry him.  When she asked him about it, he huffed, “That’s the way I am.  If you don’t like it, good bye!” and broke up with her.

A year went by and her friends were marrying fast.  She prayed, “Oh God, please, either send me a husband or make me content without one.”  One day, as she opened her hymnbook, she realized she’d been noticed by a man in the pew behind her.  “Is this my husband?” she thought.  We had our first date in April and married in August.

She’d asked God to choose her husband.  Knowing that I had no idea how to nourish or cherish her, the Holy Spirit led her to tell me astounding things about her.  She was embarrassed by some of what she said and had had no such thoughts before saying them.  This guidance to me was clearly of God.

What God had her tell me became the foundation of our marriage.  Proverbs 31:1 says that Mrs. Lemuel taught her son how to deal with his future wife; mothers are generally better qualified to teach sons how to nourish wives than fathers are.  Working mothers can’t do that because they don’t have time.  It takes a lot of time for a mother to get through to her son because men aren’t inclined to listen to women.  The angel chode Manoah for not accepting what the angel told his wife (Judges 13:13) and Pilate ignored his wife’s advice:

When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him.  Matthew 27:19

There is a time, however, when a man may listen.  When he’s attracted enough to try to date a woman, his agenda is very well defined and focused.  If he’s drawn strongly enough to her, he may listen as she explains the terms and conditions under which she would enjoy fulfilling his plans.  If he won’t listen, she must walk away because he’ll never pay any closer attention to what she says than when he’s pursuing her.

Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of heaven, but he also knows that an unhappy woman can give him the torments of hell.  What she said was so reasonable and so workable that I was confident that I could make her happy.  Once I decided that she wanted to make me happy, marrying her was a no-brainer.

Our granddaughter can’t count on a man having been taught by his mother because few mothers have time.  We wanted her to have the words and concepts to tell a prospective mate what God had wanted me to know about sanctifying a wife.  We pray that it works as well for her as for her grandmother.

Dating is not a Game, it’s Serious Beyond Measure

Veronica, my best beloved, you know that the Bible teaches that you were made for your husband, he’s not made for you (I Co. 11:8-9).  That means that even though your role as wife is of critical importance to your home, your husband, as leader, has more influence than you do after you’re married.

God made you to multiply whatever your husband gives you.  Consider babies.  Your husband gives you one tiny cell.  You gather his life force unto yourself, nourish and multiply his seed within you, and bring forth a child with billions of cells.  Each of those cells has the mark of your husband’s DNA (Gen. 5:3).

Similarly, if your husband gives you joy, love, appreciation, praise, and sanctification (Song 6:9), you’ll multiply what he gives you and fill your home with love and light to the Glory of God.  If he gives you anger, criticism, or harshness, Satan will tempt you to multiply that and your house will be filled with anger and pain.

A virtuous wife “openeth her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr. 31:26).”  A man who’s emotionally involved with you can be hurt terribly by your words even if he won’t admit it.

Real Biblical love is a choice, not an emotion.  Jesus loves in spite of being hurt (Mt. 23:37) and so can a man or woman whose love of Christ strengthens (Philip. 4:13), but why should your words make it hard for your husband to open his heart to you?  How can he trust in you as Pr. 31:11 promises if you often hurt him?

Even though the way your husband conducts himself has the major impact on your life after you’re married, your grandmother and I believe that your conversation and manner of life are of crucial importance in what goes before the wedding.  Your path where God wants you may be different from ours, but as long as you let God lead, He’ll get you where you ought to be.  The wisdom that the Holy Spirit led your grandmother to convey to me as we courted was vital to our walk with God, so I’m sharing it with you for you to share.

Wisdom Your Grandmother Channeled to Me

You’re old enough that the choices you’re making now will affect the rest of your life.  Your theology, that is, what you believe about God, is your most important choice.  What you choose to believe about God determines what you do, and what you do affects how things turn out for you.

You’ve prayed, “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food,” but do you believe it?  Your grandmother chose to believe that God was great enough to give her life and breath and great enough to give His Word to bless her.  She tried to follow the parts she understood and she asked God to protect her to keep her in His path.  She also believed that God was good enough to want her to have an abundant life (John 10:10).

She believed God knew her better than she knew herself.  She believed that if God wanted her to marry, He would give her to a man who would bless her if she let Him choose.  She spent years asking God to work in her heart to make her a Proverbs 31 woman, that’s why she was able to hear what God told her about me.

These two passages became her key to letting God choose her husband:

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Keeping her heart was the key.  Women can get emotionally involved with very wrong men after which it’s hard to hear the Lord’s warning and pull away.  She tried to keep her heart from me until after I’d married her.  All through dating and up the aisle, she prayed, “God, if Bill isn’t the right man for me, please stop this!”

To make me right for her, God had to teach me how to learn how to nourish and cherish the woman He wanted to give me.  Men are pretty clueless about women.  God worked on me by having your grandmother say some vital, astounding things to me while we were courting and after we were married.

I’m a Treasure Looking for a Husband, not a Toy Looking for Fun

When I first asked her out, she said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband.  I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married.  I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should get married.  God made me to be a treasure for some man.  If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy.  I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”

Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart.  When a woman lets herself “fall in love” with a man who won’t marry her, she’s crusin’ for a brusin’, she’s in for a world of hurt.

When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me to support her.  In times past, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn’t marry unless he’d grown up enough to have a job.  Many modern girls live with guys without marriage and even pay “their share” of the rent.  Your grandmother was letting me know that she wasn’t going to do that.

Every man knows in his heart that a woman can give him the joys of heaven, that’s why men pursue women so fervently.  I was attracted to her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband!  Although she had no idea what being my treasure would mean, I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me.  If she meant that, marriage would be a no-brainer, so I said, “Sure.”

A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her.  God knew I had no idea how to nourish and cherish her.  He had to teach me how to learn how to make her happy so that she could make me happy.  If I couldn’t make her happy, we’d both be miserable.

I want to be Pure at the Altar

On our second date, she told me to dump the other girl I was seeing; she wanted me to focus on her and on her alone.  She then said she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night.  We agreed that the promises of Proverbs 31 are for a virtuous woman, not the other kind, and that God reserves intimacy for marriage.  She was embarrassed about having said that, but she in effect made me responsible for protecting her purity.  She’d been asking God to protect her all along, now she asked me to help God protect her.

Good thing, too.  Most of my classmates were pretty casual about men and women coming together without marriage.  This discussion gave me the strength to preserve our purity when we were tempted later.

She Called Me “Sir.”

Early in our courtship, she’d occasionally say “Yes, sir” when I addressed her.  Not every time, but as the spirit moved her.  I like that a lot, but we had no idea how important it was.

The Bible teaches you to call your husband “Lord (I Pe. 3:8)” and to reverence him (Eph. 5:33).  This is difficult if you don’t respect him.  That’s why we advise ladies to wait for a man whom they want to call “Sir.”

“Sir” meant she’d respect me in spite of my mistakes.  We’re told to confess our faults one to another (Jas. 5:16).  Men don’t like doing that and they particularly don’t like telling wives things they’re afraid will cost them respect.  Most men ignore Pr. 31:11 and refuse to open their hearts to their wives.  Calling me “Sir” helped me open my heart to her when I realized that God wanted me to belong to her; that’s why God had her do it.

Don’t Fuss At Me

Weeks later, she asked that I never fuss at her.  “I want to love you very much,” she said.  “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me.  I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”

That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.”  I didn’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say.  We didn’t know it then, but God said the same thing:

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Pro 12:18

I needed this too.  A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man whom she loves.  We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other.  She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why I like hanging around her.

Talking is More Important than you can Imagine

Just before our wedding, she told me she was really looking forward to being married.  I was too.  I thought we were on the same page, but she went on.  “I really like talking to you.  Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”

That’s more talking than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day!  I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else.  I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more.  As she got marriage on the table, as she asked me to focus my attention on her alone, as she made me responsible for protecting her purity, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant.

I had no idea how vital this was.  Suffice it to say that a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants.  She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants.  Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.

God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14).  It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying.  If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to communicate with her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.

Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.”  God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her.  Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine.  The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife are supposed to belong to each other.  God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and all that talk made me hers.

I Serve God by Serving You

24 hours after our wedding, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.”  I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me that talking would be important, so we talked.  “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said.  I thought, “Neat-o!  We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done.  “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you.  I’m doing it for God because He told me to.  I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”

Whoa.  I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it.  The next day, I told her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said.  God wants me to lead you and take care of you.  The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all.  If I’m to lead you as God wants me to, I’ll have to lead by serving you.  You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”

You see, oh my best beloved, marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift of God.  The only way to be saved is to die to your former life and be married to Christ.  Your husband won’t deserve your submission, you won’t deserve his giving his life to nourish you; those are undeserved gifts of God’s grace.  God expects married people to serve Him by serving each other and their children.

Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh.  The only way 2 people can become one is for each of them to die to themselves in favor of their new family.  Each of you must give the other the same love and grace God gave in saving you (I Pe. 4:10).  As Christ chose to love you regardless of your failures, you and your husband must choose to love each other regardless of failure, ‘til death do you part.

As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect (II Co. 5:14); you can only do this by the Grace of God.  Watching your husband love you in spite of your failures increases your love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa.  When lost people see you give God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace.

Salvation is about God giving – for God so loved that He gave….  Your grandmother so loves God that she let God give her to me, I so love God that I let God give me to her.  Our love for each other is based on our love for God.  He must be first.

Just before our wedding, I wrote her a letter, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you.”  It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me, but I know many wives who don’t belong to their husbands.  Beg God to increase your love for Christ and for Him.  Ask that He help you become a Proverbs 31 woman whether He wants you to marry or not.  Then if God chooses for you to marry, He can give you to a man who’ll treasure you as He treasures you.

And We Lived Happily Ever After

I told you, oh my best beloved, that although your role is important after you’re married, your husband has more influence on your happiness than you do.  Having told you how God led your grandmother to prepare us both for marriage, it’s time to tell you why our marriage has worked out as well as it has.

First, your grandmother actually let God give her to me.  When we first came together on our wedding night, she was terrified because God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me.  Nobody had warned her of this, but she’d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; this had to be from God.  She clung to her faith that God was good and prayed, “Lord, You must want me to belong to Bill.  That doesn’t make sense, but if that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.”  That’s why she was able to tell me she planned to serve God by serving me.

It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me.  When I stood at the altar and vowed to God that I’d give up my right to pursue all the other women in the world and focus my masculinity on her alone, I expected her to be mine.  To show that I’m not unusual, look at “the heart of her husband…” (Pr. 31:11)  The Hebrew word is “Ba-el.”  “El” means “god” as in “el-shaddai” or “elohim.”  “Baal” appears in the Old Testament as the name of a deity.  It could be translated “Lord” or “god;” Jehovah’s Witnesses use “owner” in Pr. 31:11.

Consider the Japanese word “shu-jin” which is translated “husband.”  “Jin” is “person;” “shu” is “Lord” as in “Shu yesu kiristo;” Lord Jesus Christ.  Shujin is literally “lord person.”  A Japanese wife can’t refer to her husband without calling him “Lord;” it’s built into the language as in Eph. 5:33.  My possessiveness is normal.

Many women honor their husbands with their lips (Mt. 15:8, Mk. 7:6) without honoring them with their hearts.  If your grandmother had done that, I would have been deeply hurt and deeply disappointed.

I would also have been deeply ashamed which would have harmed my health (Pr. 12:4).  Very little shames a man worse that having his wife not be his; I know of two heart attacks where such shaming was involved.

Because your grandmother chose to let God give her to me, however, her happiness became my happiness.  Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15), but the opposite is true, too.  When she was happy, life was good.  When she was happy with me, life was very good.  When she was happy in being mine, I got the taste of the joys of heaven that I’d expected when she told me God had made her to be a treasure.  Being a practical engineer, I started learning how to make her happy.

I had another reason to study her.  I’d heard many men complain about women, and they complained about the same things.  When I told her, she told me her friends had said, “He may love you, but he won’t like X, Y, or Z about you once you’re married” and they named the same things my dorm mates had disliked.

This disagreed with my theology.  I had always thought that God was good and had written her “For God so loved me that He gave me you.”  She had told me she was a gift from God, the Bible said that (Pr. 18:22, 19:6), and I knew that God give good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11, Jas. 1:17).  Therefore, and this was my crucial insight, all those men who had disliked those characteristics which were common to women were wrong.  Those traits were not defects; God had made women that way on purpose to bless men.

I told your grandmother that we’d work to explore her nature.  Anything that was true of most women was intended to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had chosen to give her to me.  If I couldn’t understand how or why something blessed me, it was my problem, not God’s, and we’d wrestle with it until we figured out just how it blessed me.  I treated it an engineering problem.  To build a strong bridge, I’d better understand the nature of concrete and steel; to build a strong marriage, I had to understand her nature.

With that understanding, she was happy to look into herself to explain her characteristics to me.

God commands that a husband dwell with his wife according to knowledge (I Pe. 3:7).  My learning how she blessed me not only made her happy, it helped me obey God.

I also wanted to know how she was like other women and what was unique to her.  When she’d say, “My friends feel that way,” I’d conclude most women were like that.  Sometimes it was, “I don’t know anyone like that,” for things unique to her.  At other times, she’d have to ask; her friends either agreed with her or didn’t.

This was another area where my engineering mind led me to obey God.  God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4).  “Sanctification” means “set apart,” God expected me to know how she was the same as other women and how she was God’s special gift for me.

Read the Song of Solomon carefully.  The husband praises his wife in mind-numbing detail.  This is because he’s paid attention to what’s unique about her so that he can appreciate it.  He says that she’s “but one,” (6:9) which means he’s sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women.  She says 3 times that she belongs to him (2:16, 3:16, 7:10).  In 7:10, she says, “his desire is toward me.”  She knows how badly he wants her, and if you read 8:2-3, you’ll find that she likes belonging to him just as your grandmother liked belonging to me.

In all this talking about her emotions, skills, her feelings, and other characteristics, I ended up opening my heart to her rather often.  This was as frightening to me as her opening herself to me had frightened her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me.  God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him.

It’s not enough for a man to have a woman belong to him.  Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3 7/3).  They were his property and had to do what he told them.  There was none of this “I’m not in the mood” or “I have a headache.”  This sounds like a masculine paradise, but how did it work out for Solomon?

Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28

Solomon owned a thousand women, yet his soul was empty.  Why?  They women belonged to him, he could command as he wished, but he could not make them like it.  Instead of having a woman enjoy belonging to him as his first wife had, he had 1,000 unhappy women running around the palace.  No wonder his soul was empty.

This was Solomon’s fault.  His first wife was “but one,” and she liked belonging to him.  He had time to talk to her enough to open his heart to her which made him hers.  You see, oh my best beloved, it’s nearly impossible for a woman to like belonging to her husband unless he not only belongs to her, he likes belonging to her.  Belonging to her requires that he open his heart to her.  So much talk takes so much time that a man can’t possibly belong to more than one woman.

As I said earlier, your grandmother strives to make her words health to me.  I can open my heart without fear that she’ll hurt me, which keeps me belonging to her.  I started talking to her in this way because I’d promised and as a by-product of wanting to understand how God had designed her to bless me.  It took 20 years of talk, but we can explain how the characteristics my dorm mates disliked about women actually bless them.

The bottom line, Veronica, is that you can’t make your husband any happier than he makes you.  Your happiness is greatest when he likes belonging to you.  As a side benefit, opening his heart to you will teach him all kinds of ways to make you happy if he pays attention.  The happier he makes you, the happier he will be.

What Drives Men to Marry?

Many women say they want to marry, but the way they behave makes it doubtful that any man will want to marry them.  The New York Times published “Sex on Campus – She Can Play That Game, Too,” which argues that women are as eager to participate in casual “hookups” as men are.

At 11 on a weeknight earlier this year, her work finished, a slim, pretty junior at the University of Pennsylvania did what she often does when she has a little free time.  She texted her regular hookup — the guy she is sleeping with but not dating.  What was he up to?  He texted back: Come over.  So she did.  They watched a little TV, had sex and went to sleep.

The Times called the woman “A” because she didn’t want her name used.  A doesn’t particularly like this man, but he’s a handy sexual partner.  She isn’t looking for a deeper relationship because she doesn’t have time:

“I positioned myself in college in such a way that I can’t have a meaningful romantic relationship, because I’m always busy and the people that I am interested in are always busy, too,” she said.

A values building her resume and her career over finding a husband.  She plans to spend the next decade or so on career development and marry in her mid thirties.

“Ten years from now, no one will remember — I will not remember — who I have slept with,” A. said. “But I will remember, like, my transcript, because it’s still there.  I will remember what I did.  I will remember my accomplishments and places my name is hung on campus.”

Sex means so little to A that she doesn’t expect to remember all the men she’s slept with.  She gives herself to men she doesn’t like because they’re good in bed.  Given her history and the fundamental importance of sex, why does she think that any man would want to marry her?

Sex Defines Marriage

Since the dawn of history, sex has defined marriage.  A woman may guide a man’s house without marrying him, we have housemaids.  It’s OK for a woman to raise a man’s children without marrying him; we have nannies and teachers, most of whom are women.  A woman can feed a man without marriage; we have cooks.

A woman can work with or for a man.  A man and woman may do just about everything together without being married, but there’s one thing tradition says they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex.

Commitment followed by sex defines marriage.  Generations ago, the Bible taught that their commitment meant that Isaac and Rebecca were married without benefit of clergy of any kind when he took her:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67

Mrs. Schwarzenegger had no problem with her husband hiring a woman to help her keep house and help her raise her children.  When it came out that her husband had fathered her house cleaner’s child, however, she divorced him immediately.  In her mind, marriage meant that he could have sex only with her.

Mrs. Schwarzenegger came from the Kennedy family whose members aren’t famous for sexual fidelity.  Despite this background, she was so certain that her husband should have sex only with her that she left him over an affair that had happened years before she learned of it.

Sex Makes Marriage Happen

The driving force of marriage has been known for generations.  Jacob worked for Rachel’s father for seven years.  He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked together, and did things together.  Why wasn’t this enough for him?  Why did he want to marry her?

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

Jacob wanted to marry Rachel so he could have sex with her; custom required marriage before sex.  Jacob wasn’t the only man in the Bible who married so that he could have a woman.  Consider Boaz:

Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.  Ruth 3:18

Naomi said that after Ruth came back from the harvest celebration and told Naomi “all that the man had done to her.”  Why, “will not be in rest”?  Married women know why the man wouldn’t be in rest until he’d finished the thing that day.  Have men changed at all?  Here’s what Ruth had said to Boaz:

I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman.  Ruth 3:9

Boaz didn’t think of marriage until Ruth asked him to marry her, but once she mentioned it, he thought it was such a good idea that early next morning Boaz runs out, gets witnesses, tells them he’s marrying Ruth, and then what?  “So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife” (Ruth 4:13) even though Ruth didn’t attend her own wedding.  What drives men to marry?  There’s no doubt at all, men want sex.  A man wants many things besides sex, of course, but sex is what drives him to marry.

A Man’s Goal in a Relationship

You see a young man with a young woman, she’s often wearing his jacket or shirt; she’s testing to see if he’ll keep her warm and safe.  She wants a man to protect her, take care of her, talk to her, and appreciate her as God’s unique gift to him.

What does he want?  He wants to have sex with her.  If she lets him have sex without marrying her, he’s less likely to marry her and won’t value her as much if he does marry.  Proverbs 31 teaches that a virtuous woman’s price is beyond calculation.  If a woman gives herself to a man without a commitment from him, she’s set her price very low because she’s cost him nothing.  Why marry a woman who’s worth so little?

What could be more basic?  Naomi told Ruth not to give Boaz rest, Boaz wanted Ruth badly enough that he couldn’t be in rest, so he took her to wife that day, what’s simpler than that?

Few women understand that a man has two possible reactions to sex.  If he doesn’t love her, if his desire is pure selfish lust (I Th. 4:5), having sex with her may make him feel contempt for her as Amnon hated Tamar after raping her (II Sam 13:15).

If he loves her, however, physical joining increases his love for her (Gen 34:3); that’s why it’s sometimes called “making love.”  A woman can tell when a man’s interested in her but the only way she can tell if he cares enough that they’ll be making love instead of just having sex is for him to marry her first.

Many a woman has let a man bed her because she thought he cared for her.  If a man truly cares for a woman, he won’t take her outside marriage because fornication harms her.  When a woman gives herself to man who isn’t committed to her, she usually ends up feeling betrayed.  This makes it harder for her to trust her husband enough to give herself to him as freely as he expected when he married her.

A man who takes a woman without commitment may live with her until she becomes burdensome or has a baby, or he may reject her after having her as Amnon rejected Tamar.  If a woman gives a man rest without marriage, if he can have her without making a commitment, what’s left to drive him to marry her?

It’s important to understand the good that comes from a man’s physical desire.  Most women complain that it’s hard to give gifts to husbands, sons, or brothers.  Why?  It’s because men don’t want anything.  That’s not quite true, men do want something, but what?  What do men want?  What desires did God design into men?

God knew what He was doing.  God planned for women to guide the house, which costs money.  God made men so that if a man’s wife is pleased to belong to him, that is, he can have her whenever he wants her and she lets him know she likes being his by thanking him for taking her, he doesn’t want much else.  Then they can spend his income on the family.  If he can’t have her as often as he wants her, he spends money on toys trying to make himself happy.  Ecc. 2 teaches that that won’t work, but it’s the best he can do if his wife isn’t his.

A’s Mistake

A has had so many sex partners that a potential husband will have trouble trusting her to be faithful to him.  After all, she repeatedly rolled in the hay with men she didn’t like because they gave her a good time.

When God brought Eve to Adam, did He have to say, “I'm sorry you didn't like any of My animals.  Here's someone I whipped up out of leftovers.  Why not talk to her, you might like her?”  Did God have to say that?

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.  And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  Genesis 2:22-24

The very first words Eve heard from Adam were a bit possessive.  Adam said Eve was part of him, she belonged to him, he could have her whenever he wanted her, that’s what “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” means to a man.  Men haven’t changed one jot since God brought Eve to Adam - men are possessive of their wives.  God made women for men (I Cor. 11:9) so very well that they’re worth having.

Adam called Eve “woman.”  Did he ask her what she wanted to be called?  He later named her Eve.  Do men put labels on women?  Who takes whose name?  Have men changed?

There’s a reason men are so possessive.  If a man cheats on his wife, she may feel betrayed as Mrs. Schwarzenegger felt betrayed, but unless he spends so much money on the other woman that he can’t feed her or her children, he won’t put her genetic survival at risk.

If a woman betrays her husband, on the other hand, he may raise other men’s children and be bred out of the gene pool.  Natural selection favors jealous, possessive men who keep other men away from their women.

What’s more, the social climate has changed.  Society used to criticize men who took women without marrying them.  Now, with no-fault divorce, a wife can leave her husband at any time for any reason or for no reason.  If she leaves, the courts award her the children, alimony, child support, and much of his property.  Marrying a woman makes it possible for her to trash him financially.

Marriage is now no more than a piece of paper; her character is his only protection against financial disaster.  Suppose she says she wants marriage but has sex without it.  If she’s willing to have sex without marriage, marriage means little to her.  Her actions demonstrate that what she says about valuing marriage is a lie.  Why would a man risk his finances to a woman who lies about something so fundamental to marriage?

Having his Baby

Surveys of couples who’re living together show that the woman believes they’ll be married “in a year or two,” but that the men don’t think they’ll ever marry.  A woman may get tired of waiting for “next year” that never comes and decide to have his baby to get him to marry her.

Having a man’s baby doesn’t make a man love her enough to marry her.  When Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah instead of Rachel, Leah thought that giving him a son would make Jacob love her:

And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years. And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.  Genesis 29:30-35

It took three sons, but Leah finally realized that having Jacob’s babies wouldn’t make him love her.  Even Abraham, father of both Jews and Arabs and honored by both, didn’t marry all the women who had his babies:

But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country.  Genesis 25:6

Abraham got at least two women pregnant besides his wives.  Did he marry them?  No, he sent them away.

Giving her Child a Father

Men don’t really understand where babies come from.  A man may have heard about birds and bees, but deep down in his heart, he’s awed and confused by pregnancy and birth.  Men say, “She got pregnant” – reproduction is so mysterious and so miraculous that men don’t really believe they have anything to do with it.

The pill puts a woman in control of getting pregnant because she can stop taking it without telling him.  She can have an abortion without asking him.  Given that he has no say whether a child is conceived or whether it lives or dies, why should a man care about a baby if it should happen to be born?  It’s hers – it was her idea, she chose to keep it, and she had it last.  What has the child to do with him?

Women have known about men’s reluctance to acknowledge children for generations.  Women used to build up social forces and customs promoting marriage and responsibility.  Now that the societal safety net has broken down, a woman has to demand that a man take responsibility by marrying her before she has sex.  It’s really simple – just say, “No, and I won’t marry you unless you have a job.”

Saving sex for marriage makes it easier for a man to trust her.  If she can resist him, the man she wants to marry, he won’t worry as much about her having other men’s children.  Once they’re married, if she encourages him to take her often (Song of Solomon 8:2-3), if she looks up and says, “That was wonderful, I like being yours.  Let’s do that again as soon as you can,” if she thanks him for his seed, he’ll know she’s his.

Insurance companies have known for decades that married men live longer than unmarried men.  Being without a woman is so bad for men that God arranged that most men die before their wives.  If she points out, “We could do that more often if you were in better shape,” she’ll give him a reason to exercise.  That will lengthen his life and shorten her widowhood.

His possessiveness benefits her.  It’s so broad, so all-encompassing, that once she’s his, everything about her belongs to him, including her children and her happiness.  He’ll find that making her happy makes him happy because her happiness belongs to him.  Spending money guiding the house makes her happy and spending money that way makes him happier than anything else.  That’s how God planned marriage to work; why would a man dedicate his life to nourishing and cherishing a woman who wasn’t his?

An Exception to the Rule

Experience shows that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who don’t.  “But,” you may ask, “What about Prince William and Catherine?  They’re obviously very much in love, and they lived together before they got married.”

For one thing, Catherine didn’t have his baby until after they were married.  If a woman stops taking pills and gets pregnant without her partner’s agreement, he’ll know she’s manipulating him.  Few men respond positively when women use sex for manipulation.

There are two other reasons why William wanted to marry Catherine.  First, we can see from the way she reacts when he touches her that she very much belongs to him.  She not only acknowledges his possessiveness, she supports it and upholds it.  She likes belonging to him.  That’s important to a man.

Her showing publicly that she belongs to him honors him before all men.  Proverbs 12:4 says, “A virtuous wife is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”  There is no shame that rots a man’s bones as badly as a woman who won’t belong to him.

Second, the documentary about their courtship said that shortly after they met, she found out that he felt trapped in his royal role.  He didn’t think he had much choice in what he’d be permitted to do.

She encouraged him to decide what he wanted to do and then do it.  After discussion, he decided he wanted to fly helicopters.  He took lessons and ended up flying rescue missions.  Doing something worthwhile that he enjoyed made him happy and rescuing people generates favorable publicity for the royal family.

Ever hear, “Behind every successful man, there’s a woman?”  Kate helped him figure out what he wanted to do and encouraged him to do it.  Gaining some understanding of the troubles his subjects get into will make him a better king.  Kate’s help is an example of what the Bible means in describing a virtuous woman:

She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness.  Proverbs 31:26

Kate proved that she was a sensible, loyal woman who’d help him do whatever he chose to do.  A woman can give a man a taste of the joys of heaven by belonging to him.  If she also helps him grow up into the best he can possibly be, she’ll be valued indeed.  Nothing straightens up a man like having a woman lean on him.

It’s no surprise William married Kate – his heart can safely trust in her because she does him good and not evil (Pro 31:12).  Given her loyalty and her valuable help, the surprise would be if he hadn’t married her.

Wanting to Marry

Something draws men and women together in spite of all the hurt they inflict on each other.  What drives a man to pursue a specific woman?  Some Enchanted Evening put it, “Fools will give you reasons; wise men never try.”  Many American valentines have pictures of a naked kid with wings and an archery set.  This represents Cupid whom the Greeks invented to explain the inexplicable.  When Cupid’s arrow plinks a man, he falls madly in love with the next woman he sees and nobody can explain it, not even him.

Women agree that men are clueless about women.  Therefore, every woman should think about how a man might decide to marry her.  It’s simple.  If he can have her without marrying her, she’s a bad girl and he shouldn’t marry her.  If she won’t unless he marries her and she won’t marry unless he gets a job to support her, she’s a good girl and he’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough.

Making him wait for sex gives him time to learn the many non-physical gifts God gave her and gives her time to find out if he’ll enjoy opening his heart to her in talk.  She values his opening his heart to her when he’s not in the mood to talk as much as he values her opening her body to him when she isn’t in the mood for that.

The only way two people can be “no more twain” as Jesus commanded (Mt. 19:6) is for each of them to die to their former individual selves in favor of serving the other.  The marriage has a much stronger foundation if he finds reasons to marry her besides sex and if he learns that he can safely trust his heart in her (Pr. 31:11) before committing himself.

To paraphrase George Bernard Shaw, “Love is the conviction that one woman is different from all the rest.”  The husband in the Song of Solomon speaks of his wife as “but one (Song 6:9),” he knows she’s unique.  The Proverbs 31:18-19 husband teaches his children that his wife is better than all the other wives in the world.

Boaz explained why Ruth was unique – “all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman (Ruth 3:10)”.  Boaz trusted Ruth because she wasn’t sleeping around.  Ruth took care of her mother-in-law instead of abandoning her as most widows would have, so he knew she’d take care of him.  He saw her work hard all through the harvest and took care of her by offering her food, water, and protection (Ru. 2:9, 14).  Ruth was a loyal, God-fearing, hardworking, virtuous woman who wanted to marry him.  What’s not to like?

In older novels where marriage was a side issue instead of the main plot, a woman responded to a man’s proposal by saying, “Yes, I will make you happy.” A young lady who had been taught what men expected indicated her willingness to do it in that manner. Nowadays, neither party knows what to expect which is why so many marriages fail.

What about A?

A isn't looking for a husband.  If she waits until her thirties to consider marriage, most men who’re inclined to marry will already be married, some for the 2^nd or 3^rd time.  Any remaining marriage-minded men will be put off by her sexual history.  She hasn’t tried to be unique – A treats men like interchangeable sexual appliances and acts like an interchangeable sexual appliance herself.  Her history of treating sex as meaningless recreation will make it hard for her to see her husband’s drive to bed her as a compliment – she’s likely to see it as oppression and turn him away when she’s not in the mood.

God limited a man’s sexual capacity.  If a wife absorbs all the sexual energy her husband can generate, it will be hard for other women to get his attention.  If, on the other hand, she sends him off to work with his shirt soaked in gasoline, he’ll be tempted to get too near a fire and they’ll both be burned (Pr. 6:27-28).

A man’s desire not to raise other men’s children has been bred into him since God invented natural selection.  How can any man trust her not to take up with someone who’s better in bed and breed him out of the gene pool?  Unless she decides to imitate Kate and prove her virtue by putting her energies into helping a man with his career instead of advancing her own, she’ll have a hard time finding a man who’s worth marrying.

Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him.  A’s given herself to so many man that it will be hard for any man to think of her as God’s gift to him.

Instead of positioning herself as the treasure God intended her to be, she’s turned herself into a toy.

Hope for A

All is not lost for A.  Salvation promises that “all things are become new.”  Jesus told the woman taken in adultery, “Go thou and sin no more.”  True repentance means seeing the sin the same way God sees it and stopping.  God gave women who’ve committed sexual sins a way to be clean:

And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.  Hebrews 9:22

If a woman repents of her sexual sins, the blood of her next cycle purifies her.  The emotional damage will take time to heal, of course, but confession and stopping cleanse her.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  I John 1:9

It will take time for a reformed A to convince a man that she’s ready to be loyal and faithful to him, but if she’s truly saved, the difference between the old A and the new A will be visible to all, including prospective husbands.

Why Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for his wife

When I sailed to Kiniwata in the Pacific, I took along a notebook.  I filled it with descriptions of flora and fauna, native customs and costumes.  The only note that still interests me says:  “Johnny Lingo gave eight cows to Sarita’s father.”  I’m reminded every time I see a woman belittling her husband or a wife withering under her husband’s scorn.  I want to say, “You should know why Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for his wife.”

Johnny Lingo wasn’t his name; that’s what Shenkin, the guest house manager, called him.  Shenkin had a habit of Americanizing names.  But Johnny was mentioned by many people in many connections.  If I wanted to spend a few days on the neighboring island of Nurabandi, Johnny Lingo could put me up.  If I wanted to fish, he’d show me where biting was best.  If it was pearls I sought, he’d bring me the best.

The people of Kiniwata spoke highly of Johnny Lingo.  Yet they smiled, and the smiles were mocking.

“Get Johnny Lingo to help you find what you want and let him do the bargaining,” advised Shenkin.  “Johnny knows how to make a deal.”

“Johnny Lingo!”  A boy seated nearby hooted and rocked with laughter.

“What goes on?”  I demanded.  “Everybody tells me to get in touch with Johnny Lingo and then breaks up.  Let me in on the joke.”

“Oh, the people like to laugh,” Shenkin said, shrugging.  “Johnny’s the brightest, strongest young man in the islands.  And for his age, the richest.”

“But, if he’s all you say, what is there to laugh about?”

“Only one thing.  Five months ago, at fall festival, Johnny came to Kiniwata and found himself a wife.  He paid her father eight cows!”

I knew enough about island customs to be impressed.  Two or three cows would buy a fair-to-middling wife, four or five a highly satisfactory one.

“Eight cows!” I said.  “She must have beauty that takes your breath away.”

“She’s not ugly,” he conceded, “But the kindest could only call Sarita plain.  Sam Karoo, her father, was afraid she’d be left on his hands.”

“But then he got eight cows for her?  Isn’t that extraordinary?”

“Never been paid before.”

“Yet you call his wife plain?”

“It would be kindness to call her plain.  She was skinny.  She walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked.  She was scared of her own shadow.”

“Well,” I said, “I guess there’s just no accounting for love.”

“True enough,” agreed the man.  “That’s why the villagers grin when they talk about Johnny.  They get satisfaction from the fact that the islands’ sharpest trader was bested by dull old Sam Karoo.”

“But how?”

“No one knows and everyone wonders.  All the cousins were urging Sam to ask for three cows and hold out for two until he was sure Johnny’d pay only one.  Then Johnny came to Sam Karoo and said, ‘Father of Sarita, I offer eight cows for your daughter.’”

“Eight cows,” I murmured.  “I’d like to meet this Johnny Lingo.”

The next afternoon I beached my boat at Nurabandi.  I noticed as I asked directions to Johnny’s house that his name brought no sly smile to the lips of his fellow Nurabandians.  And when I met the slim, serious young man, when he welcomed me with grace to his home, I was glad that from his own people he had respect without mockery.  We sat in his house and talked.  Then he asked, “You come here from Kiniwata?”

“Yes.”

“They speak of me there?”

“They say there’s nothing that you can’t help me get.”

He smiled gently.  “My wife is from Kiniwata.”

“Yes, I know.”

“They speak of her?”

“A little.”

“What do they say?”

“Why, just.....”  The question caught me off balance.  “They told me you were married at festival time.”

“Nothing more?”  The curve of his eyebrows told me he knew there had to be more.

“They also say the marriage settlement was eight cows.”  I paused. “They wonder why.”

“They ask that?”  His eyes lighted with pleasure.  “Everyone in Kiniwata knows about the eight cows?”

I nodded.

“And in Nurabandi everyone knows.”  His chest expanded with satisfaction.  “Always and forever, when they speak of marriage settlements, it will be remembered that Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for Sarita.”

That’s the answer, I thought: vanity.

But then I saw her.  I watched her enter the room to place flowers on the table.  She stood still a moment to smile at the young man beside me.  Then she went out.  She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin, the sparkle of her eyes all spelled a joy to which no one could deny her the right.

I turned back to Johnny Lingo and found him looking at me.

“You admire her?” he murmured.

“She ... she’s glorious.  But she’s not Sarita from Kiniwata,” I said.

“There’s only one Sarita.  Perhaps she does not look the way they say she looked in Kiniwata.”

“She doesn’t.  I heard she was homely.  They all make fun of you because you let yourself be cheated.”

“You think eight cows were too many?”  A smile slid over his lips.

“No, not at all.  But how can she be so different?”

“Do you ever think,” he asked, “what it must mean to a woman to know that her husband has settled on the lowest price for which she can be bought?  Women boast of what their husbands paid.  One says four cows, another six.  How does she feel, the woman who was sold for one or two?  This could not happen to my Sarita.”

“Then you did this just to make your wife happy?”

“I wanted Sarita to be happy, yes.  But I wanted more than that.  You say she is different.  This is true.  Many things can change a woman.  Things that happen inside, things that happen outside.  But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself.  In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing.  Now she knows she is worth more than any woman in the islands.”

“Then you wanted--”

“I wanted to marry Sarita.  I loved her and no other woman.”

“But--”  I was close to understanding.

“But,” he finished softly, “I wanted an eight-cow wife.”

Condensed from WOMAN’S DAY magazine fiction feature - Nov. 1965 By Patricia McGerr

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Every man knows that a wife can give him the joys of heaven on earth.  Few men are as wise as Johnny who understood God’s teaching that a man should praise and uphold his wife to receive the joy God intended:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29

Children don’t praise their mothers unless their father does it.  Johnny not only told his wife he valued her, he proclaimed her price “far above rubies” to all the world as taught in the Song of Solomon:

My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song of Solomon 6:9

A woman is a mirror, not a light; she multiplies whatever her husband gives her.  A man gives his wife one tiny cell.  She multiplies his seed within her and gives him a baby with billions of cells.  Every one of her child’s billions of cells bears the mark of her husband’s DNA (Gen. 5:3).

Johnny gave Sarita unshakable confidence that he treasured everything about her and that he valued her above all else.  God made women for men (I Corinthians 11:8-9).  A woman desires to have her husband be pleased with her (Gen3:16).  Being valued by Johnny made Sarita happy.  The joy and happiness he gave her multiplied in her, made her beautiful, flowed out of her, and filled her surroundings with love and light.

The price for a “best wife” was 5 or 6 cows.  By going so far beyond that, Johnny said that his wife was far beyond the best.  Her happiness in belonging to him brought Johnny honor – he was “known in the gates.”  Local people who knew her honored him; those who didn’t understand mocked him.

We don’t buy wives in America, but a man can make his wife feel like a treasure by praising her, thanking God for her, and thanking her for being willing to let God give her to him.

Johnny may not have known that God made women as a favor to men (Pr.18:22) or that God knows how (Mt. 7:11) to give good and perfect gifts (James 1:17), but he knew that he had to honor his wife to receive the blessing God intended.  God gave Handel and Mozart great musical gifts.  They labored to develop their gifts and blessed us as Sarita blessed Johnny.  How could she bless him?  He treated his wife as God’s precious treasure; she became God’s precious treasure.  How many have neglected God’s gifts and lost the blessing?

I’ve seen men give wives criticism, bitterness, discouragement, anger.  The Bible warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15) that an unhappy woman multiplies unhappiness no matter how she tries to keep sorrow to herself.  When a man sows unhappiness to his wife, it’s no surprise that he reaps a house full of pain.

This works both ways, of course.  Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.”  If a couple’s words are health to each other, they’ll always want to hear what the other has to say.  How can anyone love a spouse who inflicts daily hurt?

Johnny honored, praised, and sanctified his wife (I Thessalonians 4:4); everyone knew she was the most valued, most treasured wife in all the islands.  Being convinced that her husband thought so highly of her gave Sarita the emotional strength to enjoy belonging to Johnny.  This gave him a taste of the joys of heaven on earth, just as God planned.

A woman gives a man joy by multiplying the happiness gives her and reflecting his joy in her back to him.  God created women so that a woman can give her husband a taste of the joys of heaven, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her.