Jesus Christ wants us to study His Word along with His works so that we can explain Him to others:
But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: I Peter 3:15
Christ reveals Himself to others through us! That’s one of the amazing things about salvation, we get to show God to others! We study Roman’s Road so that we can explain how we know that the shed blood of Christ takes us to heaven. In the past, that was the only answer we had to give, but the divorce rate has become so high that Christians are sure to meet someone whose marriage is coming apart. Such people need to know how God gives you joy through your marriage, this gives hope and helps repair the marriage. God expects us to be able to give answers why we have hope in marriage, but my wife and I didn’t know how.
By the time we were married in 1971, many of our friends and colleagues were already divorced. We started studying the Bible to learn how to build marriages, but when my wife’s sister divorced and my brother later divorced, we had nothing to say.
It’s painful to watch a loved one’s marriage fail, particularly when we later learned that God gave plenty of principles for marriage which might have helped had we known them at the time. We vowed back in 1980 that never again would we let ignorance keep us from helping a stressed marriage. We spent years searching the scripture and discussing what we found with married and unmarried people. After more than 30 years, God answered our prayers by showing us “God’s Simple Plan of Marriage.”
When a person’s lost in sin, God’s people give verses which show that God loves sinners and wants to save them, we offer hope if the sinner will listen. A bad marriage shows the misery of Hell; do you know how to offer hope by proving that God wants every marriage to show the joys of heaven? As John 3:16 sums up salvation, the Romans Road gives background, and other passages teach how to lead a victorious life in Christ, can you point to one verse which shows how marriage works and then lead someone to verses which teach how to have a joyful marriage? We couldn’t, and we’d worked at it.
It’s our reasonable service to show and to explain what God intended. We’ll give God’s Simple Plan of Marriage tonight. As John 3:16 gives hope, we’ll show you how to show others that God planned marriage to be joyful. We’ll give you one verse to show how marriage works, then go into the “Marriage Road” which shows how to have joy by honoring the Lord Jesus Christ through your marriage.
First, though, you have to know why it matters. The divorce rate among Christians is the same as among the unsaved; Southern Baptist clergy divorce more often than lawyers! Christians are no better at being married than the lost. If unsaved people know Christians can’t handle this life, and believe me, they know, why should they care what we say about the next life? The Christian divorce rate wrecks our testimony to the lost. When marriages fail, we dishonor Christ.
When you’re helping fix a marriage, it’s important to avoid blame! Marriages fall apart through ignorance, young people simply aren’t being taught how to be married. The Bible commands older women to teach younger women how to love their husbands. They aren’t doing it, but why? My wife’s a grandmother, she’s one of those older women, nobody told her how to love me, she had to learn on her own. As we started looking through the Bible, we struggled to figure out what God had in mind, and we’d try some of these ideas on her mother. Her mother didn’t know either, she hadn’t been taught.
My wife’s mother did send her to talk to older church women. She learned a lot from them, but nothing about loving me.
This is a multi-generation failure. My wife wasn’t taught, her mother wasn’t taught, and we can’t ask her grandmother because she’s dead. Older women haven’t been taught how to teach younger women. This is also true of men; I wasn’t taught how to talk to a woman or how to praise her, my father wasn’t, and I can’t ask his father. So when healing a marriage, don’t blame!
Ignorance of marriage is widespread among God’s people. Hosea 4:6 says that God’s people are destroyed for lack of knowledge; teaching what God said about marriage is the cure. We’re supposed to teach the whole Bible.
For I have not shunned to declare unto you all the counsel of God. Acts 20:27
When the Bible says “all” it means “all,” but we aren’t teaching all the Bible. God said a great deal about marriage, but you’ve probably never been taught some of the verses we’ll cover tonight. I have no idea why God’s people neglect these parts of the Bible; God said to teach all the counsel of God. So when you’re dealing with a busted marriage, the problem is usually ignorance, it’s nobody’s fault. Don’t blame, just teach God’s Simple Plan of Marriage.
First, you have to show that God meant marriage to be joyful. The first step is to show that God wants everyone to be joyful, He sent Jesus to give us abundant life, married or not:
I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:9-10
The verse says, “if any man enter in.” God wants to give us abundant life, but we have to choose to seek it according to His plan:
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Following God’s rules gives us contentment; it grieves Him when we won’t follow His commands, listen to this:
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
This verse comes when the Children of Israel were griping about having been brought out of Egypt. God wanted to bless them but they wouldn’t follow His rules. God wants to bless us but His justice demands that we walk with Him out of love and not to earn a blessing. Obeying God to earn His favor is idolatry; God loves us and wants us to choose to follow Him out of love:
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
God wants men and women to accept Jesus as Savior and enjoy Him forever, but as you know from witnessing, many people won’t accept salvation God’s way. Similarly, God planned that men and women should delight in serving each other in marriage, but a lot of people simply won’t accept marriage God’s way. These verses show that God wants women to delight in marriage:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
This isn’t just for young women, Sarah was nearly 100 years old when God said she’d have a child. What was she worried about?
Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also? Genesis 18:12
Sarah wanted a child, sure, but she also wanted the pleasure of marriage which she’d missed as her husband had gotten older. Joyful marriage isn’t just for women, men, too, should enjoy it:
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
Insurance companies know that married men live longer than unmarried men, having his fountain blessed reduces stress which helps him live longer, but have you been taught that? God promises that a wife should be good for her husband:
She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:12
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22
a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14b
“Prudent” means thinking ahead. This verse teaches that a woman’s prudence, that is, the way she thinks, is of God. Men, God made your wife’s mind the way He wanted it, don’t mess with her mind, changing her is the Holy Spirit’s job, not yours.
Here’s one key to successful marriage, this is part of Proverbs 31 which tells how to be a wonderful wife. Preachers point out that there are few Proverbs 31 women, but what about Proverbs 31 men? What is the one duty of a man according to Proverbs 31?
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28
God teaches that men are supposed to praise their wives. Being praised by her husband and children makes a wife happy. But this verse from Ecclesiastes is the clincher. Ecclesiastes says that nothing a man does to have fun or live a worthwhile life works:
I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. Ecclesiastes 1:14
Solomon listed many things that won’t give you joy:
I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: … I sought in mine heart to give myself unto wine … I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: … I got me servants and maidens … I gathered me also silver and gold … I gat me men singers and women singers, as musical instruments, of all sorts. … Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:1-11
Solomon tried it all, he found that there’s nothing you can do to make yourself happy, with one exception, and that’s marriage:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
Solomon taught that God-given marriage gives you joy. Music, hunting, TV, sports, it’s all vanity. All you have in life, men, is your work and your wife, that’s it, walking with God is part of your spiritual labor. Other interests are not only futile, they can become a form of adultery. Anything we value over God is idolatry. When His people value other gods, He calls it adultery. When a man values sports, or hunting, or any other activity more than he values his wife, she thinks of it as adultery.
When someone has marriage problems, you have to show that marriage is supposed to be too wonderful to describe:
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: the way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19
The way of a man with a maid, that is, marriage, is so wonderful that Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, could not describe it. Even under the inspiration of God, all he could say was, “I know not.”
Marriage is wonderful, this man is so glad to be coming home to be with his wife that he’s skipping:
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
He’s rushing home, that’s where he wants to be. She misses him so much that she’s ill when he’s away:
I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am sick of love. Song of Solomon 5:8
There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number. My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song of Solomon 6:8
This man loves his wife so much that she’s the only woman in the world for him, there are women all over the place, but he’s telling everyone he knows that she’s the only one who matters, the Bible says that she’s but one, he’s sanctified her.
The Song of Solomon is a literal account of the doings of a very happily married couple. Scholars say it’s about Christ and the church, I say read it and decide for yourself. God gave the book of Ruth to teach women how to get married; He gave the Song of Solomon to teach men and women how to stay married. God didn’t just want us to be happy in marriage, He also told us how to do it, but His ways don’t seem reasonable, we have to obey by faith:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. Isaiah 55:8
Salvation doesn’t seem reasonable either. Many people reject Gods plan of salvation and go their own way. Many people reject God’s plan of marriage. Anyone who rejects God’s plan of salvation spends eternity in hell, there’s one way to go to heaven but many ways to go to hell. People who reject God’s plan of marriage can create their very own torment right here on earth.
God isn’t alone in wanting marriage to be happy, the bride and groom also want it to work. The groom expects that his bride has chosen to serve him and she expects that he’s chosen to serve her. There’s no earthly joy like belonging to a person who chose to imitate Christ by serving you in marriage. This should work; God’s Word teaches that men and women want to please each other:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34
Women, your husbands want to please you, in a possessive, bumbling, masculine sort of way, and men, your wives want to please you in a talkative, feminine sort of way. So why do more than half of all marriages fail?
At this point, you’ve shown that God expects marriage to be happy and that the bride and groom also expect it to work so you can ask, “When you married, did you expect your spouse to make you miserable or to make you happy? Did you expect your spouse to be miserable being married to you?” The answer is, “No,” nobody expects anyone to be miserable in marriage to him or her.
Here’s the key question. God wants all marriages to be good, you wanted your marriage to be good, and your spouse wanted your marriage to be good, isn’t it clear that something went wrong?
That’s the key; the person must be humble enough to admit that something went wrong. Here’s where you must avoid blame. If you say, “Nobody taught you this, there’s no way you could’ve known, but God says…” you give the person a way to change. A man can go to his wife and say, “I didn’t know you needed…” and start to meet her needs; a woman can do the same.
A person can’t accept salvation without admitting that something’s wrong, repenting, and changing, a person can’t fix a marriage without believing that something’s wrong, repenting, and changing. When something’s wrong with your body, you ask the doctor to help you fix it, you don’t throw it away, but lots of people throw marriages away even though that’s not God’s will:
God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
God meant marriage to liberate you from the chains of loneliness. His warning about the rebellious is clear—the Bible says marriage is for life, does anyone go through divorce without damage? It’s better to fix the marriage you’ve got than to rebel, you may end up dwelling in a dry land for a long time, my brother’s been alone more than twenty years.
Let’s assume the person wants the marriage to work, what do you say about fixing a marriage? It’s time for the John 3:16 of marriage, the one-verse summary of how marriage works. Here it is:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
That’s how marriage works, the man loves the woman and she comforts him, but there are details. Isaac supplied the tent; a bride joins her husband’s family and takes her husband’s name as Eve called herself “woman” because that’s what Adam named her.
Isaac and Rebekah weren’t married until he’d taken her, but they wouldn’t have been married at all without prior commitment. Rebekah promised to marry Isaac, and he promised to marry whomever the servant found, that’s why they were married when he took her. When a pastor says, “I pronounce you man and wife,” that’s not Biblical, they aren’t married until he takes her to wife.
Over and over, the Bible says, “so and so took to wife such and such,” but there’s no mention of a woman taking a man to husband, she lets him take her to wife. When the vows say, “I, groom, take thee, bride,” that’s Biblical, but when they say, “I bride, take thee groom,” that’s not at all Biblical, and it gives the bride unrealistic expectations. The Bible says:
For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
This verse has been twisted to say that a husband can lord it over his wife, but that’s not what God said. God wants a husband to nourish, cherish, and love his wife as Christ cares for the church. When you’re helping fix a marriage, you must get this across. God created a wife for her husband, he’s not created for her, so she’ll know him better than he knows her, she’ll care more about pleasing him than he cares about pleasing her, she’ll understand him better than he understands her. The wife doesn’t take a husband, the husband takes a wife, but he’s supposed to take her in honor, commitment, and sanctification.
God could have stopped writing after Rebekah became Isaac’s wife, her marriage established her children as children of Abraham, but God went on because He wanted us to know how marriage works. What came next? After explaining what defined their marriage, that is, Isaac taking her, God explained how their marriage worked:
and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
Isaac loved Rebekah. Ephesians 5:25 says Isaac loved Rebekah as Christ loves the church, but not until after they were married. It takes time for a man to learn to love a woman and he can’t do it properly unless he has a close relationship with Christ. A man can want a woman right away but loving her takes longer, active love is a fruit of the spirit. A couple decides during courtship whether he loves her enough to take her to wife and whether she wants him to take her so that they can serve God together. The man must love the woman, and she must know he loves her. Christ loves all sinners, but His love doesn’t do any good unless the sinner knows and believes. Men, for all you love your wives, it doesn’t do her or you any good unless she knows it and believes it.
Rebekah knew Isaac loved her so she could comfort him. A woman can’t comfort a man unless she feels loved. A woman can’t create much love, but she multiplies all the love her husband gives her and fills her house and church with love and light. Most modern men haven’t been taught how to love and modern women haven’t been taught how to comfort, that’s what you have to teach.
The Bible says that older women must teach younger women how to love men. This is because women don’t know how to love men without being taught. Younger women should find an older woman such as my wife to ask how this works. Few married people understand it well enough to teach it. I’ll give you Bible verses which you can use to teach others how marriage should work. You have to go back to the fundamentals; you’ll have to talk about loving and comforting while serving God together.
There’s a story how the Green Bay Packers played a terrible game. Next practice, Coach Lombardi said, “Gentlemen, that was lousy, we’ve got to get back to fundamentals. This,” he said, holding one up, “is a football.” That’s getting back to basics.
It’s hard to believe that anyone who’s been married longer than a month or two wouldn’t know how a woman comforts a man or how a man loves a woman, but they don’t. That’s why it’s part of “God’s Simple Plan of Marriage.”
Here’s how a woman comforts a man. Men go out to the fields, or to the forest, or to the office, because God said “by the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread.” As he’s out there working to feed his family, a man thinks about coming home. It comforts a man to know that his wife will welcome him with joy:
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
What does she think they ought to be doing? This man is rushing home because he knows that she’ll welcome him into her house, she’ll welcome him into her bed, and she’ll welcome him into her body, she’s eager to bless his fountain:
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
It comforts a man to know his wife wants him to be ravished with her love, being welcomed into her body comforts him. A whore can relieve his tensions, but won’t comfort him because she does it for money and not for love.
Everybody knows this works. I’ve talked to people who left their marriages, they say, “Yep, if we’d done that, no way I’d have left.” So why doesn’t it work? Husbands should love their wives, they leave instead. Wives should enjoy comforting husbands, instead, they try to avoid it. Why do husbands and wives walk out?
The answer is so simple it literally makes me cry, I’ve seen so much pain from husbands and wives not knowing this. Satan tries to confuse salvation, he says it’s faith plus, faith plus good works, or faith plus going to church or faith plus penance, faith plus something. When you witness, people don’t want to believe how simple it is, but salvation is two words, “only believe.”
If a man wants comfort in marriage, and men do, it’s real simple, Isaac loved Rebekah first, then he was comforted. Love comes first, a woman can’t comfort a man without feeling loved first. A man thinks coming home shows love because he wouldn’t come home if he didn’t love her, but that’s not it, you’ll usually have to teach a man how to love his wife so that she knows she’s loved.
Christ loves sinners, but this doesn’t do any good unless the sinner knows he’s loved, people can’t accept salvation without believing God’s love. A wife can’t comfort her husband without believing his love.
Comforting a man costs a woman a LOT, she simply can’t comfort him if she doesn’t feel loved. Listen, guys, if you don’t love Christ, you won’t get the comfort of the Holy Spirit. God planned that if a man shows Christ’s love to his wife, she’ll comfort him like the Holy Spirit, but if she doesn’t feel loved, she can’t comfort him because comforting a man costs a woman too much.
What does it cost a woman to comfort a man? Older women, take note, you’ll have to explain the cost of having a man, younger women need to know what a man costs. Knowing the cost of a man makes young ladies more careful.
Deuteronomy 21:14 and Ezekiel 22:10 say that a man humbles a woman, that’s part of the cost of having a man in her life. This makes no sense to men so I’ll try to explain. Women are concave, men are convex. Women suffer painful, itchy infections which can be life-threatening, men don’t have these diseases. From when she’s a little girl, a wife is taught, “Be careful of that part of you. Be clean, or you’ll get an infection.” And a man expects his wife to let him mess with that part of her whenever he wants? It’s messy. It’s invasive. It’s intrusive. The Bible says it’s humbling. And worse than that, men, it’s boring.
Boring? How can the most wonderful thing in all the world be boring? Simple. The Bible says,
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
God did not say, “it is not good that the man should have unfulfilled desires,” God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” A married man need never be alone because his wife yearns to talk to him. She married him because she liked talking to him; she expected that they’d talk a lot more after they were married. Trouble is, the man thinks that once they’re married, it’s a done deal and he doesn’t have to talk about it any more.
God gave women a drive to talk to keep men from being alone, a woman’s drive to talk to a man is as strong as his drive to take her. There are other reasons why God gave women a drive to talk, but that’s another message. Let’s just say that a woman’s drive to talk is of God and that listening to her talk bores most men. You can explain that a man expects his wife to meet his needs five times before breakfast and then he’ll be back for lunch, I Corinthians 7:5 says it’s fraud if she doesn’t. God is just, a man reaps what he sows. If a man sows neglect of his wife’s need for talk to him, he’ll very likely reap her neglect of his need to take her.
God is just. If a wife’s drive to talk bores a man, why shouldn’t his drive to take her bore her? Men are bored that their wives want to discuss the same old thing over and over, wives are bored that their husbands want to do the same old thing over and over. It’s new and different and wonderful to the men each time, but it’s the same old thing to the wives.
Men, comforting you is messy, and humbling, and invasive, and boring. And it gets worse. When taking a woman, men get so focused, men get so fervent, that she may think, “He’s not paying attention to me, I could be any woman, it would make no difference to him.” If a woman feels like an interchangeable sexual appliance, is she going to enjoy comforting her husband?
God commands husbands to set their wives apart:
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:3-5 Note: There’s disagreement about the meaning of this verse, see the context.
“Sanctify” means “set apart.” The only way a man can set his wife apart is to listen to her and get to know her well enough that she’s “but one” to him as in the Song of Solomon. He must know what makes her different from other women, otherwise, he hasn’t sanctified her. But if he does, their marriage shows Christ’s love for the church, that’s the best way to win the lost.
What separates man from animals? Human beings communicate. Men who take a woman without communication, men who possess without knowing whether they’re doing right by her, are no better than beasts. It’s worse than that, the Bible says “not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God,” taking a woman without sanctifying her is being like those who don’t know God. How does a man know if he’s sanctified his wife? Simple. I Timothy 5:2 says to treat younger women as sisters. If a man’s attracted to other women, if he can’t treat women as sisters, he hasn’t sanctified his wife enough. His wife should be “but one” to him, he isn’t supposed to notice other women as women, if he does, he should spend more time with her.
Women understand this without being told. If a man hasn’t sanctified his wife, if he hasn’t listened to her, she feels that any woman would satisfy him. This makes her feel like a whore. Being taken is always humbling; being taken by a man who hasn’t sanctified her is humiliating. And sanctifying her requires that he talk to her enough that she’s satisfied.
Men, comforting you is messy, humbling, invasive, boring, it can be humiliating, and there’s one other cost, being taken by a man makes a woman feel dependent. God made women for men. He made their emotions so that when a man takes a woman, she feels dependent on him, she loses her independence and feels that she belongs to him. This makes sense. God wants children to have fathers, one way to give children fathers is to design women so that a woman clings to the man who takes her.
Men, comforting you is messy, humbling, invasive, boring, it can be humiliating, and it wipes out her independence. Belonging to her husband costs a wife a lot. Why, then, does the woman in the Song of Solomon delight in it? Why was Sarah so eager for pleasure? What did their husbands do so that these women were happy to belong to their men? What are modern men not doing?
The answer is as simple as salvation. Salvation is two words, “only believe,” that’s all there is. The way a husband loves his wife so that she can comfort him is two words, “only praise,” that’s all a man has to do. “Only praise,” that’s all there is to it.
“Only praise?” That’s all it takes? Where’s that in the Bible? Didn’t Jesus warn about seeking the praise of men?
Yes, Jesus did say that we shouldn’t do things just so men would praise us, but He didn’t tell us not to appreciate others. Proverbs 27:2 says, “Let another man praise thee…” and husbands are commanded to praise their wives:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28
Children don’t praise mothers unless fathers teach them, children learn to praise mothers by watching fathers praise. Being praised by her husband and children is part of her marriage contract. Praise is the gasoline which makes a woman go. There’s a saying, “Man may work from sun to sun, woman’s work is never done.” What’s worse, woman’s work is always the same. A farmer’s work changes with the seasons, but washing, diapers, cooking, and cleaning are forever the same. How can wives do this day after year after decade? They’re fueled by appreciation, praise is the gasoline which makes women go.
The Song of Solomon teaches men how this works. The man praises his wife in mind-numbing detail. He praises the shape of her nose, he praises her eyes, her teeth, her lips, her breasts, everything about her, in detail. A man can’t praise a woman effectively without knowing her well, he can’t know her without talking to her. His talk and his praise make her feel loved so she wants to comfort him, she delights in his delight in taking her.
There’s one subtlety, the Song of Solomon starts with the woman praising the man. A wife has to teach her husband how to praise her, men can be pretty clueless about what women want. When I first went shopping for my wife, she was surprised. She said, “Why’d you buy this?” I said, “You wanted beans.” “I wanted green beans, these are kidney beans.” She wanted tomato sauce and I got tomato paste, or maybe it’s the other way ‘round. Women are more into details than men are.
She could’ve gotten angry, but she spoke kindly to me and taught me how to care for her. I wasn’t totally ignorant, I knew it was better to make her happy than to make her unhappy, I received her teaching and loved her for it. Women, if a man tries to help you and you fuss at him, he’s less likely to help you next time, it’s better to teach him how to make you happy than to fuss.
As for learning from my wife, God commands husbands listen to their wives and act on what their wives tell them:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
You’ve taken medicine where the label says, “Use according to directions?” That means read the directions and do what they say. How does a man dwell with a woman “according to knowledge?” He listens to her, talks with her so that he knows what she’s saying, and acts on what she says. God is serious about telling you to listen to your wife. If you don’t use medicine according to directions, you might die. If a man doesn’t dwell with his wife according to knowledge, if he doesn’t give her honor, his prayers are hindered. Men, if you don’t listen to your wives, your prayers bounce off the ceiling!
Please understand, “listen” doesn’t mean, “obey.” A man must listen to his wife and learn from her, which means understanding her point of view. He hasn’t understood her until she understands him. When my wife’s satisfied that I’ve understood her and that I’ve explained my thoughts to her, she’s almost always content with what we decide to do because she’s been heard.
“Only praise” isn’t just for wives, it’s for everybody you meet:
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
Salvation is a gift of God, guys, but you have to receive it God’s way or you won’t get the blessing. A wife is a gift of God, guys, but you must teach other men to receive their wives God’s way or they won’t get the blessing.
God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her. Our quilt has a tag in a corner. My wife believes that the tag must be at the foot of the bed in my corner. There are 5 places the tag could be without being in our faces, but she says the quilt isn’t square and one side has to be up, she gets out of bed and turns on the light and turns the quilt to get the tag to the right corner, then she turns the quilt above it so its tag is in the right place and so on and so on. She can’t sleep if the tag’s wrong.
Do I understand this? I do not. But I know it, I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it. This makes her feel loved for two reasons: a) she doesn’t have to move the quilt, and b) she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care, she knows I do it just for her. When a man does something just to make his wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to comfort him.
You heard me, I said “many times per day,” women need huge amounts of praise because God did a super job designing their emotions so that they need praise from their husbands. But if a man keeps a woman happy by listening to her and praising her on her terms, guys, she shines love and happiness all around her wherever she goes. A man expects his wife to welcome him into her body several times per day. Her drive to hear his praise is as important to her as his drive to take her is important to him. He expects her to meet his need to take her, shouldn’t he meet her need for conversation, praise, and appreciation?
Jesus said if we love Him, we’ll keep His words. If a wife says she likes vanilla ice cream and her husband brings chocolate, does he love her? The tricky part about praising a wife is knowing her well enough to be sure she’s pleased by his praise.
Suppose a man says, “The living room looks good. It’s about time it got cleaned.” That’s a slam, men, that’s not praise, he’s saying that his wife’s lazy. When company comes, a husband may say, “Oh, we’ll have something good to eat.” That’s a slam, men, it suggests that her cooking usually isn’t good. Men, women are different from you, a man must let his wife teach him how to praise her, that’s part of dwelling with her according to knowledge.
There’s no criticism at all in the Song of Solomon. The wife praises her husband up one side and down the other, and he praises her. There’s no criticism at all. That’s why we say, “only praise.” Salvation is “only believe,” not “believe plus something else.” Marriage is “only praise,” it’s not “praise plus criticism,” or “praise where she deserves it, criticism where he needs it,” it’s “only praise,” the Bible tells me so. Praise makes a man enjoy talking to his wife and it makes her enjoy comforting him.
The only places where a wife criticizes her husband is when Abigail tried to keep David from murdering Nabal bay telling David that he wasn’t the sweetest guy in the world and where Michael criticized David for dancing. I know of no other passages where a wife criticizes her husband and I know of no places in the entire Bible where a man criticizes his wife, if you find any, tell me.
The Bible is for our learning, we’re told to learn from the examples in the Bible. The Bible lights your path like a flashlight, but you have to turn it on. Without God’s word, you aren’t ready to help people with marriage. But now you know what to say when someone wants to fix a marriage, it’s “only praise.” This works for children and church members, too.
Some people say “I have the gift of seeing problems,” but being negative is the old man, it’s in the flesh, that’s what you put off with salvation. Praise, gratitude, sanctification, love, longsuffering, and honor are fruits of the spirit.
Guys, do you deserve salvation? No, salvation is by grace, you deserve the punishment of hell. Do you deserve your wife’s submission and her comfort? No, you don’t, your wife is a gift of God:
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22
Do you believe what the Bible says about salvation? Do you believe what the Bible says about wives? You don’t deserve a wife any more than you deserve salvation, she’s a gift from God.
This works both ways, of course, a wife doesn’t deserve her husband’s care, that, too, is a gift of God. A woman doesn’t comfort her husband so that he’ll feed her, she doesn’t submit to him to earn her daily bread, that would be whoredom, a wife comforts her husband because God tells her to. A man doesn’t praise his wife so that she’ll care for him, he doesn’t feed her so that she’ll comfort him, paying her for services rendered would be whoredom, he nourishes and cherishes her because God tells him to.
Nobody deserves the joy salvation, it’s a gift of God. Nobody earns the joy of marriage, it’s a gift of God.
Here’s how praise works. Women understand this passage very well:
A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned. Matthew 12:35-37
The Bible says that women and men together are made in the image of God. That’s another talk, but it’s clear that women exhibit some of God’s traits and men show others. John 1:1 says, “ … and the word was God …” God is His word. Women use words to share emotions and experiences, women draw close by sharing words. A woman is her words; her words are her most precious gift to her husband. If a man rejects his wife’s words, if he isn’t eager to receive her talk, she doesn’t feel loved, period.
Women are their words so they believe that a man is his words. Any woman knows that if a man says good things to her, his heart is right toward her, and if not, he doesn’t love her. Men, it’s by thy words that thy wife feels loved or not, it’s by thy words that she’s able to comfort you or not. You determine whether she’s able to comfort you, God made her for you and her nature wants to please you, but you must know her and praise her and appreciate her and say good things to her or she simply can’t comfort you.
This works both ways, of course.
There’s an old story of a woman who sought divorce, “I want to hurt him all I can” she told her lawyer.
“OK,” he said, “here’s what you do. Shower him with praise. Tell him how much you love him, how glad you are you married him, how much you want him to hold you and make love to you. When he’s totally smitten with you, divorcing him will really hurt.”
“Fine.” she said, and went and did it.
Some months later, she told her lawyer what she’d done. “Great,” he said, “let’s file for divorce.”
“Never,” she said, “I love my husband.”
As this woman praised her husband, her words worked on her heart and her words made him happy. Proverbs 31:26 says, “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” Women are made for men, her kind words make her husband happy. Women are made for men, a woman wants her husband to be happy with her. As her husband became happier with her, she became happy with him and enjoyed comforting him. A few months of this, and she no longer wanted a divorce.
That’s it, folks, marriage is two words, “only praise.” We’re to be conformed to the image of Christ, if Christ doesn’t criticize, what right have we to criticize? We serve Christ through love, not through criticism or force. When you explain that marriage is based on praise, some people say they’re afraid to communicate with their spouses, they’re afraid of being hurt. Give them this:
But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased. Hebrews 13:16
God knows it’s a sacrifice for a man to communicate with his wife enough to make her feel loved, but you’re commanded to do it anyway, no matter how bored you get, that’s why it’s a sacrifice. Comforting her husband is a sacrifice for a wife, loving her and listening to her is a sacrifice for him. Comforting him bores and frightens her, talking to her bores and frightens him. God is just!
A wife was created to be a help meet; she can’t help her husband unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows how to help. Sure, he might be hurt, she makes mistakes just like he make mistakes, but God gave her a drive to talk to take away his loneliness, that’s more important to God than fulfilling his desires, and Proverbs 31:11 says that his heart can safely trust her.
God put great balance in marriage. Women have a drive to talk to men; men have a drive to take women. Being taken over and over bores and frightens a woman, being opening his heart over and over bores and frightens a man. It’s hard for a man to enjoy talking unless his wife encourages him to take her, it’s hard for a woman to enjoy comforting him unless he’s opened his heart to her. A man needs to talk to his wife, talk adds to his comfort if she encourages him to take her enough that he trusts her not to use his feelings against him. A woman needs to be taken by her husband, seeing his delight in her helps her feel loved, if he’s praised her and encouraged her to talk enough that she’s convinced that he’s sanctified her and honored her, there’s balance in marriage.
There’s even more balance than that. God says we’re to praise Him and thank Him as we’re to praise and thank our spouses. When you’re discussing a painful marriage, you’ll probably find that neither party is praising the other. In most cases, someone who isn’t praising a spouse isn’t praising God either. A spouse isn’t happy without praise, do you think God is?
Salvation is “only believe,” but discipleship classes teach new believers how to live a Christian life. Similarly, there are many details to having a joyful marriage, but “only praise” is a good start. Before we close, let’s look at the marriage verse once again.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
Men sacrifice to show their wives the love of Christ, wives sacrifice to show their husbands the comfort of the Holy Spirit, and marriage happens when the man takes the woman to wife. Praise makes husband and wife enjoy each other. That’s how it works.
Let’s see what went just before Isaac took Rebekah to wife. You know the story, Abraham sends his servant to find a wife. Rebekah waters his camels and she agrees to travel back to marry Isaac. Here’s how the trip ended:
And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming. And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel. For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a veil, and covered herself. And the servant told Isaac all things that he had done. And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:63-67
What did Rebekah do before meeting Isaac? “therefore she took a veil, and covered herself,” “therefore” means she covered herself because she was about to meet her husband. Why cover herself? The Bible calls women “tender and delicate,” Rebekah had been taught how to love a man, she knew Isaac had plans, he had an agenda, he was going to do something to her. She was nervous, she covered herself to get a little space. Rebekah covered herself. Modesty, ladies, is a good policy unto this day.
The servant told Isaac about the trip, that didn’t take long, men skip the details and Isaac had something else on his mind anyway. Here’s Rebekah in her veil, the servant finishes his report, it’s night by now, what then?
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
Isaac took Rebekah to wife the day she arrived. Women, you can be married without invitations, or flowers, or bridesmaid’s gowns, the ceremony doesn’t marry you, you’re married when he takes you to wife. The difference between being taken and being taken to wife is whether he makes a public promise of marriage first. The ceremony is the promise, it’s not the marriage.
Check out the book of Ruth. Ruth asks Boaz to marry her, he says he’ll take care of it, Ruth tells Naomi, what does Naomi say?
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
You younger women should ask an older woman why Boaz wouldn’t be in rest, it’s something you need to know. Anyway,
Boaz said unto the elders, and unto all the people, … Ruth the Moabitess, the wife of Mahlon, have I purchased to be my wife, … and all the people that were in the gate, and the elders, said, We are witnesses. So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: Ruth 4:9-13
How’d Ruth get married? Same way Rebekah got married, Boaz made a public promise, took her, and she was his wife. When a man vows, “I take thee …” what he means is, “Yes, pastor, once we’re alone, I’ll take her and take her and take her, you bet!”
But remember men, Rebekah veiled herself, a woman’s nervous about being taken. She’s made for her husband, she’ll comfort him once he shows her Christ’s love, but he must treat her gently and talk to her enough to make her feel loved. The word “gentleman” is two words, “gentle” and “man,” a woman needs gentleness. Maybe the formula should be “gentle praise.”
Speaking of women being taken, here’s a situation we hear about a lot, remember Naomi’s advice to Ruth.
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
That’s what drives marriage, people, the man can’t be in rest so he hustles the thing along. Here’s where many women make a bad mistake. The man can’t be in rest, she wants attention, so she gives him rest, which she should never do outside marriage. What happens once he has rest? Nothing. Older women can explain that when a man gets a woman for nothing, she’s worth nothing. Why should he marry her when he can have her without marriage? Marrying a used woman would be like wiping his face with a used Kleenex. Lots of couples live together without marriage because the woman didn’t insist on marriage.
We’re told that 80 or 90% of marrying couples had sex before marrying; the man “makes a good girl” out of her as they say. Marriage helps, but sex before marriage undermines trust. Having had sex, it’s hard for them to make love. A woman expects her husband to sanctify her so she can give him rest and she expects him to protect her. A husband is more likely to hurt his wife than anyone else. Men, when your wife says, “Ouch,” for example, you have to stop, that’s part of protecting her from you.
The hardest thing about saving a marriage is giving people hope in Christ. When a man takes a woman without marriage, trust is broken. She couldn’t resist him so how can she resist other men? He didn’t protect her from his passions or from her passions, how can she trust him? People don’t think it can be fixed so they divorce instead of turning to Christ for forgiveness.
Many troubled couples turn out to have fornicated, that is, they had sex before marriage. Psalm 106:15 says, “And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul.” Fornication brings leanness into the marriage. The woman suffers the most, the man’s drive to take her is satisfied, but she’s neither honored nor sanctified. Her emotions are bound to him but he’s not bound to her in any way. She’s a toy or plaything instead of the treasure God meant her to be. The scars remain even if they marry.
The solution is like accepting salvation. Sinners must confess their sin, repent, and ask Christ to cleanse them in order to be saved. Healing a marriage from fornication is the same except that it involves two people, not one. Both parties must recognize their sin, confess to each other, forgive each other, confess to God together, and receive His forgiveness as one flesh. The Bible says:
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16
When you hear that a couple had sex before marriage, you must explain that they have to make it right with each other and then make it right with God, confession and prayer work together for healing. Confession, forgiveness, and prayer heal the marriage.
Given the wreckage, why do so many couples hurt their marriages by fornicating? I said not to blame anyone when fixing marriages, but most fornication among our young people is clearly the fault of us older Christians. We’re to blame, we allow long engagements. It takes months to make a dress so couples have to wait. It’s not just that, one couple told me, “If we get married faster than 6 months, people will think we have to get married.”
Long engagements are simply unbiblical. Ruth spoke to Boaz around midnight; she was married the next morning, maybe a 12-hour engagement. Rebekah was technically engaged when she left home, but she married Isaac within hours of their first meeting, no six-month wait here! I Corinthians 7:9 says, “If they cannot contain, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn.” The Bible says not to get engaged until you can’t contain, but the way Christians do it today, you get to the point you can’t contain, you get engaged, then you wait 6 months or a year? That’s a crazy burden to put on our youth. I couldn’t do it today, and I’ve a whole lot less testosterone in me now than in my youth. Our customs make our young people burn, then they crash.
My wife and I had our first date in April, we got engaged May 30th, we married August 21. A 3 month engagement, and we almost fell. We nearly lost it, we nearly polluted our marriage! If there’s time, ask me, I’ll tell you how God preserved us.
There’s another detail, the man must be able to provide for his wife before taking her. Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother’s tent, Boaz had a home where he could take Ruth. Young men, if you encourage a woman to fall in love with you before you can support her, you’re committing emotional fornication which damages her nearly as much as physical fornication. Young ladies, if you let a man pay enough attention to you that you get emotionally involved before you’re ready to get married, you’re crusin’ for a bruisin’. You’ll either break up, and the hurt from breaking up makes it harder for you to belong to your husband, or you’ll get married too young, or you’ll fall into sin. There’s no possible benefit to falling in love before you’re ready to marry.
Here’s the bottom line, folks. The Bible teaches that husband and wife should praise each other and never, never criticize. That may not seem reasonable, but salvation isn’t reasonable either when you think about it. And get this:
The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart ... Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward. Psalm 19:7,11
Folks, you now know how to show anyone that God wants everyone to taste the joys of heaven right here on earth. God planned that marriage should bring joy, but you must do it God’s way. God’s formula may not seem reasonable, but there’s great reward. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him, marriage prospers when both parties thank each other and praise each other and appreciate each other as they thank and praise and appreciate God. It’s “only praise,” that’s God’s Simple Plan for Marriage, nothing else works as well.
