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Introduction
Your theology, that is, what you believe about God, determines how your marriage works out. We do what we do because of what we believe. The Bible explains God’s way of salvation and it explains God’s way of marriage. If we believe the Bible, doing salvation God’s way takes us to heaven when we die, while doing salvation our way takes us to hell. Doing marriage our way often makes life hell on earth. Your faith in God determines how you’ll handle God’s instructions for marriage. The closer your marriage is to God’s Simple Plan of Marriage, the more your marriage will bless you.
Theologians use big words to talk about God. You’ve heard omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, and others. We don’t need big ideas for day-to-day living. We can get along fine with simple theology a child can understand. After all, Jesus said that unless we have faith as little children we cannot enter the kingdom of God (Mark. 10:15, Luke 18:17).
What do children know about God? “Jesus loves me, this I know.” That’s part of what you need to know about God, but children also know, “God is great; God is good, let us thank Him for our food.” How many of you have said that? You know this, but do you believe it? Do you live it? Let’s look at it:
God is Great – The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork (Psalm 19:1).
God is Good – If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? (Matthew 7:11)
Let us thank Him for our food – We should have an attitude of gratitude for everything God gave. – Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! The Bible repeats that five times! Ps 107:8, 15, 21, and 31. Why did God tell us to praise Him? Does He need our praise? Does our praise make God feel good about Himself? Does God have low self-esteem?
No, praising God blesses us, not Him. You can hear the pain in the psalmist’s voice! “Oh, that men would…” Why? Praising God blesses us, but few of God’s people do it.
God commands us to praise Him because it’s good for us. The more we praise God, the more we seek reasons to thank Him, the more often we praise Him, the happier we are. Why? We often see the glass as half-empty when God wants us to see the glass as half full. The more we praise God, the more we appreciate what we have, the less we focus on what we don’t have, and the happier we are. Our culture is against this. God expects us to learn to be content with whatever He gives us (Philippians 4:11); our consumer society works to make us want what we don’t have so we’ll go in debt buying things we don’t need.
Psalm 100 says, “We are His people…” God made us. He knows us. God knows we easily get caught up in griping. Praising Him takes our minds off our troubles and helps us see His blessings.
What if husband and wife thank God for His undeserved gift of marriage? What if they thank God for each other, and then thank each other for their marriage? Wouldn’t an “attitude of gratitude” improve any marriage? We Christians know we should give thanks in all things, but how many of us do it?
We must thank God for salvation which takes us to heaven in the next life and we must think Him for giving us the Bible to tell us how to be blessed in this life. Christians should value, study, and obey the Bible. Baptists say that the Bible is binding on Christians for faith and practice. Presbyterians say that the Bible teaches us what we should believe about God and what duties we owe God. Christians should act on the Bible as God’s instructions telling us what to believe and what to do for our good in this life.
Japanese hotels have the Buddhist sutras, the Book of Mormon, and a Bible in most rooms. To Japanese, the Bible is a good book. In US hotels, you’ll generally find a Bible. In America, the Bible is “The good book.” Christians should think of the Bible as “God’s book.” What is the Bible to you?
Is God Good?
An attitude of gratitude is important to marriage but it’s also important to be convinced that God is good. Few Christians act as if they believe that God is good. If you believe God is good, you’ll read His word carefully to find the keys to happiness. People who don’t think He’s good look for loopholes; people who don’t think the Bible is relevant to daily living ignore it. God wants us to obey so He can bless us:
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
Many Christians I know avoid God’s commands. I’ve talked to many pastors. A church member has a problem. The pastor shows what the Bible says about it. The person often says, “I don’t want to do that.” Pastor says, “But that’s God’s solution to your problem.” “I know, but I don’t want to go there.” There’s nothing the pastor can do because they won’t listen to what God says. Is it because they don’t think God is good? Or do think the Bible is old-fashioned and that modern culture knows more about life than God does?
Women ask my wife, “Why does your husband love you?” She tells them why I treasure her, and they believe her. They say, “I don’t want to do that. He isn’t worth it.” Of course he isn’t worth it. No man deserves a wife; she’s an undeserved gift from God and from her. She shows where the Bible tells wives how to behave and they won’t hear it. Do they believe that feminists know more than God does?
John 1:1 says that God is His word. John 1:14 says that His word became flesh and lived among us. I wonder about the salvation of someone who doesn’t want to obey God. As Jesus put it,
And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? Luke 6:46
That’s a good question. We’re to love the Lord our God, but if we won’t obey His Word, do we really love Him? We do what we do because of our beliefs. If we won’t obey, do we really believe He’s good?
God Is Good
Let me show you the blessings of believing that God is so good that we should follow His commands. In the spring of 1971, I saw an attractive young lady in the pew in front of me. When she opened her book for the first hymn, I saw that her left hand was bare. She was unclaimed, so I looked harder.
After the service, I found her with a group of friends. I pulled her out of the crowd and we talked for an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours. When she had to leave, I told her, “I have to go to California for 4 or 5 weeks, but when I get back, I’m going to date you.” I didn’t ask her, I told her. Wheels turned behind her eyes for 15 or 20 seconds, she gulped, and said, “Yes.” Women ask, “Why did you let him claim you? Why did you say ‘Yes’?” She said yes because of her theology, because of her deep belief that God is so good that she should follow His commands. I’ll explain how that worked in a bit.
I got back and she agreed to have lunch. As we left, she said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should get married. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me. If you aren’t willing to consider marriage, please don’t waste my time.”
If you think she was being too forward, who first mentioned marriage, Boaz or Ruth? He praised her walk with God the day they met, he saw her every day during wheat harvest and barley harvest, but it didn’t occur to him to marry her. Marriage isn’t always on a man’s radar, but when she gave him the idea, he thought it was such a good idea he hustled out the next morning and did it. Why was he so eager?
Read the Book of Ruth as a romance story. Poverty-stricken widow travels to a foreign land to find the One True God, works hard, marries a rich guy. It explains twice why Boaz wanted to marry Ruth.
Every man knows a woman can give him a taste of the joys of heaven. I was attracted to her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband! She had no idea what being my treasure meant, but I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me. If she meant that, I’d marry her in a heartbeat. I happily said, “Sure,” for the same reason Boaz wanted to marry Ruth.
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30
My classmates constantly griped and complained about their girlfriends. I knew that a woman could give a man a taste of the punishments of hell, but I also knew that “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD (Proverbs 18:22).” I knew from the Bible and from my feelings that “Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man (I Cor 11:9).” Matthew 7:11 says that the Father knows how to give good gifts to His children; James 1:7 says God gives good and perfect gifts. If she wanted to be God’s good and perfect gift to me, I’d marry her in a moment.
I thought my classmates’ girlfriends didn’t know that God had made them to be treasures. It took me 15 years to realize that the real problem was that my classmates didn’t know that God made women to be treasures and treated them as toys instead. Ever watch a boy play with a toy truck? Pushes it this way and that, then he gets tired of it, throws it against the wall, and grabs another toy. That’s hard on women.
Our first date was in April. By the end of May, I knew she wanted to be my treasure, so we got engaged.
Don’t Fuss At Me
She soon asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made so much sense that even a guy could understand. The Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro 12:18
God gave women the power to vex a man’s soul unto death (Judges 16:16). A woman can hurt a man who loves her as badly as a man she loves can hurt a woman. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why I like hanging around her, and I try to speak so that she’s glad I’m nearby.
Talk to Me
A week before our wedding, she told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I had the same agenda Jacob had when he told Laban it was time to give him his wife Rachel. It was the same agenda Isaac had when he brought Rebecca into his mother Sarah’s tent. It was the same agenda Boaz had when he told everybody he was marrying Ruth. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in one day of marriage than in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d talked while dating because we’d agreed that God didn’t want us to do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it anymore. As she got marriage on the table, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant.
My classmates complained that their girlfriends talked all the time. I knew that all this talking would be very hard for me, but I married her anyway. Why?
We’d been at her parents’ house the previous week; all the women were scurrying around every which way. Her mother said, “There’s so much to do, we may have to postpone the wedding.”
I looked her in the eye and told her, “You can postpone the wedding all you want, but I have no intention of postponing the honeymoon.” She gave me the same look her daughter had given me when I told her I was going to date her. The wheels turned behind her eyes, she gulped, and said, “We’ll get it done.”
Having said that, I couldn’t back out a week later, now could I? She and I knew that God said it’s wrong for a man to open God’s gift before the time. We didn’t know why, but we’d agreed that we wouldn’t do that; waiting had to be good for us because God said it. I had to marry her to fulfil my agenda.
Finally, I knew from my classmates’ complaints that women liked to talk a lot more than men did. I knew that God is good. God had made her to be my treasure, therefore the desire to talk which God had put into her and into most women was for my good. I accepted talking as part of our marriage covenant.
I had no idea how vital this was. A woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her enough that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
Wedding Bells
We got married, on schedule, we went back to my, now our, apartment, and I took her to wife. Weddings are a circus. I fell asleep, but she was terrified because she had a sudden, deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me. Nobody had warned her of this, but she’d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; this had to be from God. She clung to her faith that God was good and prayed, “Lord, You must want me to belong to Bill. That doesn’t make sense, but if that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.”
The next morning, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but I remembered my promise. We hadn’t done low-carb, caffeine-free diet matrimony like lost people; we’d been joined in holy matrimony set apart to God Himself. I’d vowed, “‘til death us do part,” not just to her, I promised God Almighty, who’d given her to me, that I would take care of her to the best of my ability until I died. I’d also promised God that I’d talk to her, so we talked.
“The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “Neat-o! We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing it because God told me to. I’ll serve God by serving you.”
I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it. The next day, I told her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said. God wants me to lead you and take care of you. The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all. If I’m to lead you as God wants me to, I must lead by serving you. You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
Report Talk and Rapport Talk
I quickly found that she had a different definition of “talk.” It took me more than a year to begin to get used to her way of talking. I had no way to describe the difference until I read the book “You Just Don’t Understand” by Barbara Tannen.
Professor Tannen studied people of different ages to see how conversation changes as we grow older. To her astonishment, she found that little boys, big boys, and men all talk in the same way. Sentences get longer and vocabulary gets bigger with age, but the underlying pattern of male speech is the same. She found that little girls, big girls, and women also talk in the same way, but that their way is totally different from the way men talk. She believes these differences are born into us.
After a lot of research, she concluded that men engage in “report talk” which gives facts. Women, in contrast, engage in “rapport talk,” to build emotional connections and strengthen relationships.
My wife wanted me to open my heart to her. She didn’t just want to know what I’d done; she wanted to know how I felt about it. I wasn’t used to discussing my feelings. Opening my heart to her was as frightening for me as opening herself to me had been for her.
She talked about the same thing over and over. It was different to her because she was thinking of a different aspect each time, but it was the same to me.
Her talk was messy because everything is connected to everything else. Her missionary sister has the same name as a friend who’s a pastor’s wife. She once talked about her sister until something reminded her of her friend the pastor’s wife, so she switched, but kept saying “her.” It was quite a while before I realized she’d switched to another “her.” Women laugh and say that they’d have known immediately because they all talk that way.
Let me give you a Biblical example. Naomi told Ruth to dress up, go to the party, and find out what Boaz had in mind (Ruth 3:1-4). Here’s how a man would report it. “I went to the party, I asked Boaz to marry me, he said he’d take care of it.” End of story, and he’d fall asleep. Isn’t that how a man would describe it? Isn’t that all there was to it? Is that what Ruth did? No, the Bible tells us what Ruth did,
And she told her all that the man had done to her. Ruth 3:16
I’ve been a husband since 1971; I know that when a woman tells “all,” she really tells all, women love details. Ruth told Naomi what Boaz was wearing, the tone of his voice, every word he said, and what she said, and where they were, and who was at the party, and what they all wore, and what they all said, and when she got done, Naomi could’ve been there.
All this detail, Naomi’s got the picture with words and music, what does she say?
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Ladies, that’s the best advice on getting married there is. “Sit still.” I say it again, “Sit still, do nothing, say nothing, just sit still.” Ruth had established rapport between Naomi and Boaz, Naomi knew exactly what Boaz would do if Ruth sat still. Would Boaz have married Ruth if she’d moved in with him?
Ruth promised “wither thou goest I will go, (Ruth 1:16)” so Ruth had to obey Naomi. Naomi was in charge just as a husband’s in charge after marriage, all Naomi had to say was “Sit still,” but Naomi added “my daughter,” to say, “I love you and I’m doing what’s best.” She explained, “For the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.” Learn from this, men. Paul told Philemon, “I could command you but I’d rather persuade you.” As Naomi persuaded Ruth rather than commanding, as Paul persuaded Philemon rather than commanding, the Bible teaches that we should persuade wives and daughters rather than commanding, no matter how long it takes for them to understand. You must achieve rapport before women can understand what you want. If she doesn’t understand, how can she follow you?
That long? As long as it takes? Yeah, that long, and believe me, I know how long it can be. It’s not because women are difficult, the Bible says that women are made for men and that a wife wants to please her husband, but women think very differently from men. It takes time to understand what she’s saying, it takes time to explain what you want, and it takes time to persuade her that it’s best or for her to persuade you. God said that a woman’s mind is from Him (Pro 19:14). Men, be patient and longsuffering, her mind is of God.
Men, you must persuade your wives, Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin.” If your wife obeys you without being persuaded, is she in sin? There’s another advantage to all that talk – most decisions make themselves. We’ve found that when we get all the facts on the table by sharing knowledge, the right decision is usually obvious. It’s hardly ever her idea or my idea; it’s a mixture of the two.
This works so well that I very seldom have to use the tie-breaking vote God gave me. In more than 40 years, I’ve commanded her maybe 5 times. One time I dragged her away from an Easter choir rehearsal. She’d been dizzy when she stood up to sing and I could see that something was wrong. The doctor found a tubular pregnancy which would have killed her in a day or so. I was right that time.
Another time, I was wrong, and doing it my way cost us more than $100,000.
Communication Styles
My wife communicates with me by wanting me to open my heart to her. That’s invasive – I don’t naturally let people into my heart. It’s messy because she strings ideas together like a yarn ball as connections occur to her. As I see it, she wants to talk about the same thing over and over.
She has the same reaction. I communicate with her by having her open herself to me. That’s invasive. It’s messy, at least she thinks so. As she sees it, I want to do the same thing over and over. The bottom line is that when a man tells a woman he loves her, he wants her to open herself to him. When a woman tells a man she loves him, she wants him to open his heart to her (Judges 16:15). It’s a sacrifice to communicate the way your spouse wants, but it pleases God. Being invaded messily was frightening for both of us, but God told us it would be OK:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her Proverbs 31:11a
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
Opening my heart to her means that she could hurt me terribly, but she never has. My heart is safe with her. Similarly, I’m very careful not to hurt her, if she says “Ouch,” I stop.
This humbled both of us. She humbled herself to belong to me, and I humbled myself to belong to her. The Bible says twice that a man humbles a woman. Opening his heart to a woman humbles a man.
Studying Her
Her friends warned her, “You may think he loves you, but he won’t like X, Y, or Z.” These were the same things my classmates didn’t like about their girlfriends. This disagreed with my theology. She’d told me she was a gift from God (Pr. 18:22, 19:6), and I knew that God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11, Jas. 1:17). I had written her, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you.” This was my crucial insight: men who dislike characteristics which are common to women are wrong. Those traits are not defects; God made women that way on purpose to bless men.
I told her we’d study her nature. Anything true of most women was intended to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had given her to me. If I couldn’t understand how or why she blessed me, it was my problem, not God’s, and we’d wrestle with it until we figured out how she blessed me. I treated it as an engineering problem. To build a bridge, I’d better know the nature of concrete and steel; to build a marriage, I had to know her.
With that understanding, she was happy to look into herself and explain herself to me, but all that talking also taught her how to please me. We were discussing I Timothy 3:12 which says a deacon must rule his house. “Do I qualify?” I asked her, “Do I rule you? I hardly ever tell you what to do.”
“Bill,” she said, “you rule me utterly. Your ways aren’t my ways, but we’ve talked enough that I know how you want things done. Just about everything I do, I know how you want it done and I do it your way.”
I asked which of my ways were hard for her. We found things where the difference wasn’t worth her extra work. Changing back to her ways lightened her burden as she learned more of me. I didn’t realize how much I’d ruled her, so my yoke wasn’t as light as it should have been. Gen 3:16 teaches that a woman will strive to dwell with her husband according to knowledge of him.
God commands that a husband dwell with his wife according to knowledge of her (I Pe. 3:7). My learning how she blessed me not only made her happy, it helped me obey God. God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4). “Sanctification” means “set apart,” God expected me to know how she wasn’t the same as other women and to know how she was God’s special gift for me. By the way, step one in possessing a woman in sanctification is marrying her first.
Read the Song of Solomon. The husband praises his wife in mind-numbing detail. He’s paid attention to what’s unique about her so that he can appreciate it. He says she’s “but one,” (6:9) which means he’s sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women. She says 3 times that she belongs to him (2:16, 3:16, 7:10). In 7:10, she says, “his desire is toward me.” She knows how badly he wants her, and if you read 8:2-3, you’ll find that she likes belonging to him as much as my wife likes belonging to me.
In all this talk about her emotions, skills, her feelings, and other characteristics, I ended up opening my heart to her rather often. This was as frightening to me as her opening herself to me had frightened her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me. God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him.
Acts of Faith
Early in our marriage, God had proved that He was worthy of our obedience and had rewarded it. She had read in the Bible that a wife had to obey, honor, and follow her husband. She knew that following God would bless her. Instead of thinking up reasons not to obey me, she decided that God expected her to choose a man whom she could respect and who would lead her where God wanted her to go.
She’d dated in college, but the men were wimps she’d have had trouble obeying. Years went by, her friends were marrying, and she prayed, “God, please give me a husband or make me content without one.”
I told you I looked harder when I saw that her left hand was bare. At that moment, she realized that someone was interested in her. She thought, “Could this be my husband?” She was thinking of marrying me before she even saw me, but she didn’t turn around. What would she say?
The pastor introduced us as “a missionary family from Japan.” This gave her another reason to think marriage – God had led her to believe that her husband would be associated with Japan.
She told me many things I didn’t know that first day. She liked the fact that I listened carefully and fit what she told me in with what I already knew. By the time I told her I was going to date her, she thought I was probably the husband God had for her. God could choose better than she, so she gulped and said, “Yes.”
I also knew that God was good. When she told me she would be God’s treasure for her husband, I was all for it. Knowing God’s goodness helped me understand that serving God by serving her would benefit me as knowing God’s goodness helped her believe that belonging to me would bless her, and so it has.
My wife advises younger women to declare their intention to be treasures at the beginning, saying, “Have nothing to do with a man who doesn’t respond to your desire to be your husband’s treasure.” A woman who falls in love with a man who won’t marry God’s treasure is asking for a world of hurt.
The Key Passages
Marriage blessed us, not because we’re smarter than others, but because we believed that God is owed obedience. We begged Him to help us understand what He said about marriage so we could obey.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Eph. 5:22-24
She knew God wanted her to submit to her husband. She knew I could rule her because I’d told her I was going to date her instead of asking, but she needed to know whether I would rule her, and if so, how.
We were at my apartment with my roommate. She did something unacceptable; we’ve forgotten what. I told her not to do that. She said, “You can’t do anything about it.” She held up her little finger and touched the tip with her thumb. “I’ve got you right here!” She was testing me and we both knew it. I picked her up, carried her to the shower, and let her know she was asking for a soaking. “But,” she said, “I don’t have any other clothes.” I told her it was summer; she’d dry out in a few hours.
She said, “I’ll behave,” and I let her out of the shower. I didn’t yell; I didn’t hit her. She knew I’d rule gently so it would be safe to follow me. She started saying “Yes, sir” as the spirit moved her. This changed her body language so much that at our visit to her parents the next week, her mother thought, “She feels safe with him. I hope they get married before something happens.”
Her mother didn’t know that the Holy Spirit was also worried about something happening. On our second date, she’d told me she wanted to be pure at the altar. She had asked God to protect her years ago, now she asked me to join God in protecting her. My classmates were pretty casual about using women. Instead of treating them as treasures, they played with them and threw them away. She had said she wanted to be a treasure, and now the Holy Spirit led her to ask me to protect her.
We had no idea how important this was, but the Bible commands it, so we agreed to do it.
Suppose a young man badly wants a special bicycle. He and his father discuss it. His father knows more about what his son needs and would enjoy, however, and orders a bike far beyond his sons’ imagination. In December, his friends want to go for a ride. “You’re getting the bike for Christmas,” they tell him, “why not take it for a spin?” He takes the bike out of the garage where his father had stored it, and goes riding.
He didn’t know his father knew more about bicycles than he did and added advanced features he didn’t know about. His ignorant abuse of the gift damaged it. Has this young man received a treasure from a loving Father, or has he turned it into a toy (Hebrews 13:4)? How would his parents react? How would you react if your son or daughter did this? How does our Heavenly Father feel when He prepares a special gift and the man opens the gift before the appointed time? Does this glorify and honor a Holy God, or does it offer Satan a chance to accuse?
Men say, “She wanted it,” but so what? Taking a woman without being married to her is sin. The man’s a thief and a predator; the fault lies with him more than with her. Women don’t feel urges as often as men do, they aren’t used to it. Men control themselves 24/7, we’re used to it. We must protect women not only from our passions, but from theirs as well. The man’s the leader, the buck stops with him.
“But what if I just honk the horn or spin the pedals. Is playing OK as long as I don’t actually mount the bike?” Having made men, God knew how men would think and He covered that, too.
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
Touching a woman in a possessive way can kindle her desire to belong to you and lead both of you into sin. I Timothy 5:2 commands men to treat “the younger as sisters, with all purity.” Would any woman dress to make her brother come after her? Why make it hard for men to treat you as sisters? Even the lost know it’s wrong for a man to desire his sister. Would a man help his sister with her coat or hold her up if she slipped? Of course. Would he try to kindle her? Of course not. She’s a sister until you’re married.
Commands to Men
Her obeying Ephesians 5:22-24 blesses me greatly, but that flows into commands to men.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Eph 5:25
Some time back, a gunman walked onto a lecture hall stage and started shooting. A couple who’d had their first date the evening before was in the front row. With the first shot, the boy leaped on top of the girl to protect her. The shooter shot him in the back and killed him, but he saved his girlfriend.
God seldom wants a man to die protecting his wife; He wants him to live for her. I get so much an hour. I take out taxes and add in the hours I spend driving to work, and that gives such and such a sum. Whenever my wife spends that much, I have given her one hour of my life.
She belongs to me, though, so her happiness is mine. Spending money on food and on guiding the house makes her happy, and her happiness makes me far happier than buying toys for myself. Solomon wrote that all his work was vanity; it was all for him. Nothing straightens up a man like having a woman lean on him, however. My work isn’t vain because I’m taking care of her. Ecclesiastes offers one source of joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
Note, it says “with the wife,” not “in” or “because of.” You can’t rejoice with her unless you give her something to be joyful about. If you give her joy, however, she will like belonging to you.
Having her belong to me changes everything. A woman told me, “You have cat tracks on your car.” She was clearly asking a question, so I said, “They’re my wife’s cats.” Her questioning look got deeper, so I said, “Long ago, she made a conscious decision to belong to me. She’s mine, so her cats are mine.” Her face cleared, she nodded, and walked away. I guess I answered her question, whatever it was.
Ladies, God expects you to give three gifts to your children. The first is the gift of life. Death in childbirth has become rare but it happens. A woman puts her life on the line to give her child life. Your child is the most wonderful gift that you and God can give your husband.
The second gift is a father who’s emotionally, financially, and logically committed to helping you nourish and cherish your child as he nourishes and cherishes you. In their hearts, few men really believe they have anything to do with making babies. Your child is yours, you had it last, but if you belong to your husband, your children belong to him as my wife's children and my wife’s cats belong to me.
The third gift is to live on your husband's income by staying home and giving your children a mother. Many families subcontract motherhood to hirelings. This doesn’t work as well – children know the difference between adults who care for them out of love and duty and adults who’re paid. I met a woman executive in an automobile plant. She told me her sons-in-law treated her daughters rather poorly. After more talk, she said her sons didn’t treat her daughters-in-law well either.
There had been a time she was bigger than her sons. Why hadn’t she taught them to love, respect, and honor her so that they’d do the same for their wives? She looked like I’d hit her and said, “Because I was working and didn’t have time.” It takes immense amounts of time to civilize young men.
My wife belongs to me, so I gladly give myself for her, for her cats, and for her children hour by hour. That means she can give herself to guide our children, but there’s more that a man must do:
That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. Ephesians 5:26-30
My body is a gift from God. It has skills and abilities which are gifts from God to me. What I do with them is my gift back to God. I am accountable to God for how I use every gift He gives me, including my wife. Having married her, I am accountable to God for her talents as well as her physical well-being.
We bought a piano to develop her musical gifts. I sent her to college to learn how to teach piano. She’s helped young people develop their musical gifts so they can serve the Lord; some of her fruit will rebound to my account. God sees us as perfect even though we sin; I must see her as God sees me. As I lead her in her walk with Christ and help her overcome sin, I choose to see her as a glorious wife, without spot, or wrinkle. As Adam put it, she’s bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33
Some claim that the I Thessalonians 4:4 passage that commands every man to know how to possess his vessel in honor and sanctification refers to the man’s body, not to his wife’s. The word translated “vessel” appears in one other place where it speaks of giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel. If that isn’t enough, God expects husband and wife to become “one flesh.” There’s only one body in a marriage, so a man must possess his wife in honor and sanctification, starting by marrying her first.
My obeying these commands blesses my wife, but the commands to husbands end with a command that the wife reference her husband. I told you she was filled with fear after I took her to wife. Her heart knew God wanted her to be mine; our feminist culture tempted her to stay independent. She couldn’t belong to me in her own strength. She prayed. God gave her the strength and God has blessed her obedience.
Belonging to me gives her confidence that she also belongs to God, but what of me? Can I love her with the love of Christ in my own strength? Of course not, but I asked Jesus’ help; He channeled His love through me to her. This isn’t John 3:16 which says God loves the world, it’s “as Christ also loved the church.” This is Jesus’ special love for His very own people, for His very own church.
Men are possessive; what about Jesus? Is Jesus possessive of His Own? John 10:28 says, “Neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” Jesus gave Himself for the church. He leads us, He nourishes us, He cherishes us, but what about the lost? They aren’t His. He loves them, He longs for them, He has compassion for them, He weeps for them, but He can’t nourish them as He nourishes His own. There are tares in the church whom Christ can’t love fully because they walk their own way, they won’t ask Him for leadership or guidance. They walk in the flesh, not the spirit. They aren’t His.
Woman, how can your husband nourish and cherish you as God expects if you aren’t his? Through God’s grace, he can in part, but not fully. My wife made it easier for me to give my life for her by belonging to me. That was frightening, but my showing her that she could trust me to rule gently and to protect her from her temptations and from my desires helped her give up her independence. Through God’s grace, I’ve given my life for her; I belong to her as she belongs to me.
When a husband won’t belong to his wife, he usually tries to rule her by crushing her instead of by serving her and she can’t please him no matter what she does. She dies inside; you can see death in her eyes, even in photographs. Lost folks sing to women “Stand by your man;” how can your wife stand by you if you aren’t hers? God wants married people to belong to each other and become one flesh in Him (Mt 19:5-6). Couples who walk independently instead of belonging to each other give no light to a lost and dying world.
The Buck Stops with the Man
By the time my wife and I were married in 1971, most of our friends were divorced. When her sister and my brother divorced, we had nothing to say even though we had a wonderful marriage. We vowed to pray and study so that we could explain how to gain the blessings of marriage that God had given us.
We quickly realized that few wives belong to their husbands as my wife belongs to me. That makes it hard for their husbands to treasure them. For 20 years, we thought the problem was that women refused to belong to their husbands and be treasures.
We now know that the problem lies with the men. In Genesis 3:16, God told Eve, “thy desire shall be to thy husband…” What distinguishes a woman’s husband? How is he different from all the other men in her life? God expects a woman’s husband to be the only man to whom she gives herself.
Genesis 3:14-19 has four punishments for the serpent, four for Eve, and four for Adam. “Thy desire shall be to thy husband” is a heavy punishment. When a man takes a woman, opening herself to him gives her a strong desire to cling to him and to belong to him. This is frightening even to women whom my wife has warned beforehand. Why did Rebecca veil herself just before she met Isaac (Gen. 24:65)? She knew he had plans, she had been told of the emotional effect on her, and she wanted a little space.
It’s frightening enough when a man takes a woman to wife; what if he takes her before they’re married? We know what happens – a woman can’t belong to a man who stole her virtue because they aren’t married. She has to sear her heart and stop wanting to belong to him. This makes her fear worse, and fear hath torment (I John 4:18). Even if they marry, she’ll have a hard time forgetting the fear that came when he defrauded her by taking her early and she’ll have a hard time trusting him enough to belong to him.
A woman would far rather give herself to her husband than have him take her; a man would far rather give his wife whatever she needs than have her take from him. If she doesn’t trust him, however, she’s reminded of the fear each time he takes her and she’ll try to avoid giving herself. A man has a hard time trusting or nourishing a woman who dislikes submitting to him. They suffer because they’ve gravely wounded the trust God intended for them. This makes it hard to become one flesh as Jesus commanded.
We all know couples where the man opened God’s gift before the appointed time, but God gave a cure:
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16
This is hard. To be saved, you must admit to Christ that you can’t get to heaven no matter how hard you try and ask Him to save you. That’s hard enough, but in this case, “one to another” means the man confessing to his wife and to God that he wronged her, and to their children if the children know about it. If the woman did anything to entice him, and most do, she must confess that she tempted him.
Healing the wounds of years takes sincere confession and much prayer. We know many couples who refused, but we know two couples who did this. It worked, just as the Bible promises.
Salvation and Marriage
Salvation is about God giving – for God so loved that He gave…. My wife so loved God that she let God give her to me, I so loved God that I let God give me to her. Our love for each other grows from our love for God. He must be first. Drawing closer to Him draws us closer to each other.
Marriage, like salvation, has to be done God’s way. Couples lose the blessing unless they obey.
Marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift of God. The only way to be saved is to die to your former life and be married to Christ. Husbands don’t deserve wives’ submission, wives don’t deserve husbands giving their lives to nourish them; those are undeserved gifts of God’s grace. God expects married people to serve Him by dying to their former individual selves and serving each other and their children.
Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh. The only way two people can become one is for each of them to die to themselves in favor of their new family. Each of you must give the other the same love and grace God gave in saving you (I Pe. 4:10). As Christ chose to love you regardless of your failures, you and your husband must choose to love each other regardless of failure, ‘til death do you part.
As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect (II Co. 5:14); you can only do this by the Grace of God. Watching your husband love you in spite of your failures increases your love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa. When lost people see you giving God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves and ask you how to get it. If, on the other hand, they see that we can’t handle this life any better than they can, why should they care what we say about the life to come?
Our marriage is based on our firm conviction that God is worthy of obedience and that we must strive together to obey what He said about marriage. We had no idea where our marriage would go, but we knew that God would get us there if we asked His help. We sincerely hope that we have given you reasons to lean on God’s goodness for your own marriage. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s previous gift to him in all purity, but that requires careful obedience.
Men, can you say, “Got God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so love me that He gave me you?” Women, can you act like God’s gift to your husband?
People tell us that the Bible is old-fashioned and out of date because God gave it to us so long ago. Who do you think knows more about how to be married, God, or modern psychologists and pop culture icons? What you do depends on what you believe. If you believe the Bible enough to act on it, your marriage will be blessed, but if you think you know more about marriage than God does, you’re asking for great pain.
So the theology of marriage is, God is Great, God is Good, let us thank Him for His word.
