How to be God’s Friend - II Chronicles 20:7

Abraham was a friend of God.  God wants you to be His friend, but you have to want to be His friend.

Art not thou our God, who didst drive out the inhabitants of this land before thy people Israel, and gavest it to the seed of Abraham thy friend for ever?  II Chronicles 20:7

And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God.  James 2:23

And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend. And he turned again into the camp: but his servant Joshua, the son of Nun, a young man, departed not out of the tabernacle.  Exodus 33:11

The Children of Israel realized that God and Abraham were friends and that God and Moses were friends.  Is God’s friendship only for Abraham and Moses?  Or is it for the rest of us?  It’s for all Christians:

Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.  John 15:15

One pastor told me, “Jesus was talking to the apostles, church leaders are God’s friends, but the people aren’t.”  It’s true that Jesus was talking to His inner circle in John 15, but what about Luke 12:4?

And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body...  Luke 12:4

Luke 12:1 shows that Jesus said that to an “innumerable multitude;” Jesus wants all of His people to be His friends.  The Greek word for “friend” means “dear friend.”  Jesus offers friendship to all who hear and believe.  God wants us to be His dear friends, but you can’t be God’s friend without knowing who He really is.

God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.  John 4:24

You not only have to know God, you must also want to be His friend by being friendly to Him, which means reaching out to Him in prayer, worship, and reading His Word:

A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.  Proverbs 18:24

Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.  James 4:8a

Christ made the first move in building a relationship with you by dying to save you (Rom. 5:8).  After you accept His free offer of salvation, you choose whether or not to draw close enough to Him to be His friend.  As with being friends with a human, this is an ongoing back-and-forth relationship with the man, Jesus Christ.  He had human emotions and feelings just as you do.

He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. ⁴Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.  Isaiah 53:3-4

He suffered pain when people whom He wanted to save rejected Him:

Jesus wept.  John 11:35

We must relate to Jesus Christ the man as we relate to close friends and spouses.  You ask Him questions and get answers through the Holy Spirit and by reading His Word.

God loves us and wants to bless us.  His rules help us find happiness but His justice demands that we walk with Him in order to enjoy the blessings He offers.  God wants us to choose to follow Him out of love as He wants husband and wife to serve each other from their hearts out of love, not just because they made a promise (1 Cor. 7:33-34).

Works-based salvation where people try to earn God’s favor is idolatry; works-based marriage where people try to earn love is whoredom.  As husband and wife should decide to be friends out of love for each other, God wants His people to decide to be His friends out of love for Him and because He first loved us (Rom. 5:8).  Our love for God makes us want to please Him; love between husband and wife makes them want to please each other.

When you accept salvation, you are no longer your own, you belong to God:

For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.  I Corinthians 6:20

When you marry, you are no longer your own, you belong to your spouse.  Married people give up their individual wants and promise to spend their lives serving each other (Mt. 19:6, Mk. 10:8).  Your Job isn’t to worry whether your spouse is giving 100%, your Job before God is to make sure that you are giving 100%.  Married people serve God by serving each other and become friends with God by becoming friends with each other.  Your friendship with God and your spouse draws others to Christ.  Unified families build a unified church where revival may happen.

I. You Must Obey God to be His Friend

We can’t be God’s friends without loving God, and loving Him means obeying Him and presenting our bodies to Him to use as He chooses (Rom. 12:1-2):

Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.  Matthew 7:21

And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?  Luke 6:46

And this is love, that we walk after his commandments.  II John 1:6a

For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments:  I John 5:3a

You can be friends with your boss, but you have to remember who’s in charge.  To be friends with God, we have to let go of our desires, follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, and let God be in charge.  He holds the reins in all that we are and in all that we do.  He raises up and He puts down, blessed be the name of the Lord!

II. You Must Know God to be His Friend

If you want to worship the One True God and be His friend, you must learn about Him so you can worship Him in tRuth and believe that He wants friendship.  You first have to know God, and there are two ways to learn about God.  We can study God by reading the Bible, that is, study God’s Word.  John 1:1 says,

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  John 1:1

for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.  Psalm 138:2 b

God is His word and his word is very important, it’s been magnified above His name.  Studying the Bible is the primary way to know God, but there’s another way to know God, and that’s to study His works.

But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee.  Job 12:7-8

For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead;  Romans 1:20

We can learn some of the invisible things of God by studying the things He made, we can learn about God by looking around.  Jesus spoke of weather, birds, sheep, goats, He talked about many of the things that He had made to help Him teach people about God so that they could love Him and obey Him by knowing His works.

Jesus said that we were His friends because He had told us everything God had told Him.  Consider this:

The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave unto him, to shew unto his servants things which must shortly come to pass; and he sent and signified it by his angel unto his servant John:  Revelation 1:1

Knowing God’s plans takes you out of the category of servant and makes you a friend.  Studying the Book of Revelation lets you in on how God’s plan will play out at the end so you can be His friend.

You also have to open your heart to Jesus in prayer so that you welcome the fact that He knows you:

I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.  John 10:14

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:  John 10:27

God knows us, of course (Gen. 16:13, Ps. 69:5, 139:2-4), but unless we ask Jesus to come into our hearts, forgive our sins, and repent, which means stop doing them.  Unless we trust Him to help us and to lead us, He won’t “know” us as belonging to Him and we won’t “know” Him and can’t be led by His Spirit.  We can’t be God’s friends without entering into a relationship with His Son, Jesus Christ, so that we’re written in His Book of Life which is mentioned many times in the Book of Revelation.

II a Few People Come to God

In Jesus’ parable of the sower, seeds that fell on good ground grew into 50 or 100 times as much as the original seed, but that doesn’t happen very often unless you’re farming.  Think of the thousands of seeds a tree drops every year.  In most places, a new tree can’t grow until an old tree dies and makes room for it.  Only one seed from each tree, on the average, can grow into another tree, the other seeds die.  Most seeds don’t grow at all even though they’re made so that they could grow into new trees.

God creates many seeds which could live; most don’t.  The Bible teaches the same lesson.  Jesus said,

Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.  Matthew 7:13-14

A woman is born with many eggs in her ovaries.  Few of her eggs that could become people are born, and of all the people who’re born, few find God’s way of salvation.  God makes lots of spare seeds so that He always has enough trees, He makes enough people that He always has a few saved ones, a remnant.

Seeds look alike, but no two trees are the same.  Look closely, you’ll find that no two leaves are the same.  Scientists say that no two snowflakes are alike.  Of all of the billions and trillions of snowflakes that fall every year; each and every one is different from all the rest.  God doesn’t do mass production; everything He makes is one of a kind, including you and me.  Each one of us decides whether to be a friend of God or just a servant.

II b Each Person Comes to God in his or her own Way

Every person is different.  The lines of our hands, our fingerprints, we’re unique.  There’s nobody like you in the entire world.  God has 6 or 7 billion unique people running around, but God knows all about you, and He cares about taking care of you:

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.  I Peter 5:7

But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Matthew 10:30

It’s getting easier for God to number my hairs because there aren’t as many as there were, but He knows how many there are and He knows what happened to each one.  He knows all about me, He knows all about you.  You and I are precious to Him, He sent His Son to die for us, we’re that precious.  God Numbers the hairs of your head, God’s Word teaches that God knows your uniqueness, but you have to study the works of God to understand just how different you are.  Nobody else has the same fingerprints.  The way your hair grows is like no one else.  Given that you aren’t like anybody else, you shouldn’t compare yourself to others:

For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.  II Corinthians 10:12

Each person should be himself or herself as God made him or her, but most people follow what’s “in” and dress alike.  Why?  Romans 12:2 says we shouldn’t be conformed to this world and Romans 8:29 says we’re to be conformed to the image of Christ, why should we follow the image of anyone else?  Following another person instead of following God can lead to idolatry, but how many follow God?

III. Why Few Become God’s Friends

We just read Matthew 7:13-14, which says that very few people come to God.  Why does God make all these seeds if so few live?  Why does He make so many people if so few accept salvation?  The Works of God can tell us what God did, but we have to go back to the Word of God to find out why.  For example, Genesis 2:18 tells us that God made woman because it was not good for man to be alone.  The Bible says:

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.  Genesis 2:25

Why should Adam or Eve be ashamed to be naked?  Husband and wife are one flesh, there’s no shame in being naked before your spouse.  Why would they have been ashamed?  Who was there to see?  God was there, God walked in the garden with them but they weren’t ashamed to be naked before Him because they had no sin, they were clean.  After they sinned, however,

And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.  And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.  And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?  And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.  Genesis 3:7-10

III a Pride keeps us from friendship with God

Adam knew that God was holy.  Adam knew that Adam had sinned.  He was afraid to come to God.  And what did God want?  God wanted to be with Adam and Eve; God wanted to hang out with the people He’d made, He wanted to be friends as He had before, but they were afraid.  God says:

Be ye holy for I am holy.  I Peter 1:16

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.  James 4:10

God is all holiness, of course, but He’s also all love, He sent His Son to give us holiness so we could be His friends if we choose to be.  God wanted to be Adam’s friend, but Adam knew Adam’s sin and wouldn’t humble himself so that God could lift him up and be friends again.  I John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

That’s true now, it was true then.  Adam wouldn’t confess his sin, he blamed Eve.  Adam wouldn’t humble himself to ask for God’s forgiveness; he couldn’t be God’s friend after he’d sinned.  Adam had been God’s friend, they had been together in the garden, but when Adam sinned, he wouldn’t ask forgiveness.  Adam gave up God’s friendship.  If he had confessed, God would have forgiven him and they would probably have stayed in the garden and have walked and talked with their friend God as they had from the beginning.

Look at what happened when God sent Moses to lead His people out of Egypt.  God rolled back the sea, they crossed, God let the sea come back and drown the Egyptians.  God gave them water to drink and manna to eat, and spoke to them out of the fire.  What happened?  Moses went up Mt. Sinai to get the 10 Commandments that were “written with the finger of God.”

And when the people saw that Moses delayed to come down out of the mount, the people gathered themselves together unto Aaron, and said unto him, Up, make us gods, which shall go before us, for as for this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we wot not what is become of him.  Exodus 32:1

Did they give God the glory?  Did they want to relate to God?  No, they said, “this Moses, the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt.”  Moses was away, but was God gone?  No, God’s everywhere, God was with them, but they couldn’t see God’s man, so they thought God was gone.  Were they worshipping Moses?  They asked Aaron to make them an idol, Aaron did, and they worshipped the golden calf.

God wanted to bless the Children of Israel but they would neither draw nigh to Him nor rely on Him.  God’s people were afraid to talk to God.  Sometime later, Moses reviewed what had happened:

And ye said, Behold, the LORD our God hath shewed us his glory and his greatness, and we have heard his voice out of the midst of the fire: we have seen this day that God doth talk with man, and he liveth.  Now therefore why should we die? for this great fire will consume us: if we hear the voice of the Lord our God any more, then we shall die.  For who is there of all flesh, that hath heard the voice of the living God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as we have, and lived?  Go thou near, and hear all that the Lord our God shalt say: and speak thou unto us all that the LORD our God shall speak unto thee; and we will hear it and do it.  Deuteronomy 5:24-27, another very sad passage

They asked “who has heard the voice of God and lived?”  What a silly question, they had heard the voice of God and lived, but they’d sinned with the calf.  Like Adam, they could’ve asked God’s forgiveness for worshiping the idol.  They wouldn’t confess, they wouldn’t humble themselves; God couldn’t lift them up, so they were afraid to talk to God.  They told Moses to talk to God and tell them what God said.

Sinful human leaders can easily be tempted to abuse whatever authority God gives them.  Jesus criticized the scribes and Pharisees for abusing their position between the people and God.

Then spake Jesus to the multitude, and to his disciples, ²Saying The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: ³All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not.  Matthew 23:1-3

People must be careful to go directly to God without letting other humans block the path to God.

III b Fear keeps us from friendship with God

The people were afraid to accept God’s love. I John 4:18 says, “Perfect love casteth out fear, he who feareth is not made perfect in love.”  God offered them love and friendship, God wanted them to love Him so that He could speak to them directly and they were afraid.  Are Christians different today?  Are we afraid of talking directly to God?

III c Laziness keeps us from friendship with God

Do we speak to God ourselves, or would we rather someone else spoke to God for us?  How often do we hear, “Oh pastor, could you pray about my problem?”  Does God hear a pastor’s prayers any better than He hears our prayers?  Can’t we pray about our own problems?  Are we afraid of God, or are we just lazy?  Real prayer is hard work, are we saying that the problem is serious enough for someone else to pray about it but not serious enough for us to work at praying about it?  Laziness keeps us from God.

III d Ignorance keeps us from friendship with God

It may not be laziness; people may not know that we should all approach God for ourselves:

And when Simon saw that through laying on of the apostles' hands the Holy Ghost was given, he offered them money, Saying, Give me also this power, that on whomsoever I lay hands, he may receive the Holy Ghost.  But Peter said unto him, Thy money perish with thee, because thou hast thought that the gift of God may be purchased with money.  Thou hast neither part nor lot in this matter: for thy heart is not right in the sight of God.  Repent therefore of this thy wickedness, and pray God, if perhaps the thought of thine heart may be forgiven thee.  For I perceive that thou art in the gall of bitterness, and in the bond of iniquity.  Then answered Simon, and said, Pray ye to the LORD for me, that none of these things which ye have spoken come upon me.  Acts 8:18-24

Simon didn’t know that he couldn’t buy salvation.  He didn’t want to pray, he didn’t want to go to God himself, and he wanted the apostles to pray for him.  He was both lazy and ignorant.  Am I any different?

IV. Not relating to God leads to Idolatry

The Children of Israel didn’t want to talk to God, they told Aaron “Up, make us gods,” and he did.  Aaron knew better, he’d seen God work and he’d heard God speak, but he caved when the people asked him for a new god.  This wasn’t a surprise.  When God told Moses to lead His people out of Egypt, Moses didn’t want to do it.

And Moses said unto the LORD, O my LORD, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.  And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?  Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.  Exodus 4:10-12

God told Moses, “I made your mouth, I know what you can do, just do it,” but Moses didn’t shut up:

And he said, O my LORD, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send.  [In other words, God, anybody but me.]  And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses, and he said, Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother?  I know that he can speak well.  And also, behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart.  And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth: and I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do.  And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God.  Exodus 4:13-16

God gave Moses a helper, but what a price Moses paid!  He, Moses, was instead of God to Aaron.  What an awful burden!  Moses took God’s place in Aaron’s mind so Moses had to be perfect.  Let Moses seem to make the least mistake and Aaron’s faith would break.  Moses had been to Aaron instead of God, so Aaron made a calf when the people wanted a new god.  If Aaron had had his own relationship to God, if Aaron had been God’s friend as Moses was God’s friend, he’d have laughed when they asked for a new god.  Instead, he was “carried about by every wind of doctrine (Eph. 4:14)” and made the golden calf.

The people said, “the man that brought us up out of the land of Egypt,” they didn’t want to relate to a perfect, holy God, so they asked Aaron to make an imperfect, man-made idol to take the place of Moses who’d taken the place of God.  When their sin was found out, they wouldn’t confess their idolatry.  They didn’t belong to God and couldn’t see.  Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.  John 3:3

Adam, the very first man, hid from God after he sinned.  Adam’s sin was to try to become as God by eating the fruit.  Adam’s sin was idolatry, Adam had worshipped himself by valuing what he wanted to do over God’s command.  Adam gave up his friendship with God instead of asking for forgiveness.  Adam knew better, Adam knew God; they’d named the animals together:

And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.  Genesis 2:19

Adam and God hung out long enough to name a lot of animals and God gave Adam a wonderful gift called a “woman.”  Adam appreciated God giving him Eve, you’d think he’d know God loved him, but after he sinned, Adam didn’t say, “I’m sorry,” he blamed Eve.  Adam was too proud to ask God for forgiveness for his idolatry and gave up God’s friendship.

V. God gave the way for people to choose to be His friends

Some Christians act like they believe they aren’t good enough to come to God but the Bible says it’s OK:

But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:  John 1:12

God gives all of His people, that is, anyone who receives Him into their hearts, the power to be His sons; that’s harder than being His friend, but how many of God’s people want to be His friends?  God always has at least some friends; Abraham and Moses were God’s friends and I try to be His friend.

Mark 15:38 says that the temple veil was rent when Christ died; Christians should approach God directly, we need no permission, God receives us whenever we wish.  This was revolutionary, nobody imagined ordinary people approaching God without permission from the ruling elites.

The Bible makes it clear that all are welcome; all people are urged to choose to approach Him:

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.  Hebrews 4:16

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our LORD.  Romans 8:38-39

Only I can separate myself from God, nothing else can get between God and me.  God wants fellowship with me, He wants all of us to be His friends, He wants to sup with all of us, but He says “if,” He lets me say “no.”  If I choose not to be friends with Him, I can separate myself from Him:

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.  Revelation 3:20

Draw nigh to God, and He will draw high to you.  James 4:8

We make the first move; we draw nigh to God first.  Christ wants to sup with us, and Christ speaks for us when we come to God:

For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;  I Timothy 2:5

God urges us to approach.  He gave Jesus as mediator to bring us to Him and He says we’re His friends:

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.  Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.  Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.  John 15:13-15

V a Soul Liberty leads to friendship

Being God’s friend is part of what’s called “Individual Soul Liberty,” but you’d be amazed how some Christians resist the idea of individuals having any liberty at all.  God also invites women to approach:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.  Galatians 3:28

Women approach Christ in exactly the same way as men.  God’s most astonishing act in the New Testament may have been wiping out differences between men and women.  “There is neither male nor female” went against custom, then and now.

Leaders shouldn’t usurp the place of the Holy Spirit; they should lead through persuasion, good examples, and the Word:

Let every man [and woman] be fully persuaded in his own mind.  Romans 14:5

V b Friendship with God may frustrate others

Letting people be persuaded is part of “Individual Soul Liberty,” but we’re often tempted to usurp the place of the Holy Spirit and “bite and devour” anyone who doesn’t follow what we believe the Spirit of God is showing us.  Love and liberty are of God; biting and devouring are of the flesh and of Satan:

For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another.  Galatians 5:14-15

Biting and devouring are not of God; we’re to employ longsuffering and persuasion instead.  I Peter 5:5 says that we’re to submit ourselves one to another, but submission should not take away liberty in Christ.  God warns that “false brethren” will try to take away our liberty and bring us into bondage:

And that because of false brethren unawares brought in, who came in privily to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage: to whom we gave place by subjection, no, not for an hour; that the tRuth of the gospel might continue with you.  Galatians 2:4-5

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.  Galatians 5:1

VI. Why Be God’s Friend?

God tries over and over to get people to approach Him to be His friends.  He sets us free to speak to Him directly if we wish.  Do people want to talk to God?  Do people want God’s friendship?

Dr. Thompson, who created his chain-link reference Bible, wrote, “Many Christians are satisfied to receive all their tRuth filtered through the mind of some teacher, minister, or commentator, seldom or never going to the Book of Books for independent study.  They inevitably become mere echoes of the opinions of others.  They are not ‘grounded in the truth’ hence, they are liable to be ‘carried about with every wind of doctrine.’  It is a great day for a little child when he learns to feed himself; so it becomes a new era in a believer’s life when he forms the habit of going daily to the original sources of spiritual tRuth for his own personal nourishment.”  The Bible has been available for 400 years, and many Christians would still rather get tRuth from others.

The Thompsons tried hard to make it easier for Christians to know God.  Did they succeed?  Many Christians expect the pastor to speak to God and tell them what God said; they’d rather get tRuth through someone else.

There’s a problem with living on second-hand truth.  I can tell you about God, you can know about God by listening to the pastor, but you can’t know God unless you read His words yourself.  Suppose you’re dating.  Your friend’s parents or friends can tell you about him or her, but you can’t know the person unless you talk directly.  God wants us to know Him, He wants us to read His Word and talk to Him in prayer.  Pastors can help you learn about God, but God wants us all to want to know Him for ourselves.

VI A Friendship Helps us Worship God instead of Men

Some people end up worshiping the pastor instead of worshiping God, which is idolatry.  Why do pastors rule as popes?  The people won’t relate to God, they don’t want to study the Bible, they’d rather worship a man, they’d rather have the pastor or some other leader be to them instead of God as Moses was instead of God to Aaron (Exodus 4:16).  Jesus said this would happen:

I am come in my Father's name, and ye receive me not: if another shall come in his own name, him ye will receive.  John 5:43

No leader can be worshiped without knowing it.  A true servant of the Lord will forbid it (Acts 14:13-15, Rev. 19:10, 22:9) whereas a fraud will find it feeds his flesh.  When church members worship the leader instead of worshipping God, the leader can’t lead in God’s name, he leads in his own name, and the members receive the leader instead of receiving Christ, just as He said.

Letting someone else talk to God for you limits your Christian growth assuming you’re saved at all.  Salvation, which keeps you out of Hell, is between you and God.  We can’t stay out of Hell on anybody else’s salvation, least of all the “salvation” of someone who’s made himself into an idol.  We can’t go to Heaven on anyone else’s salvation, God says we need our own:

Work out your own salvation in fear and trembling.  Philippians 2:12

Working out my own salvation means learning about God and deepening my own relationship with Him.  People seem to be afraid to open their hearts to God, maybe they’re afraid that God will know their faults.  This can be frightening, which may be why people don’t want to approach God.  If we relate to Christ, if we’re friends with Christ, we belong to Him forever:

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: and I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.  John 10:27-28

Some people are afraid to relate to God.  The same fear keeps people from developing marriage relationships.  A man may be afraid to open his heart to his wife because she might not respect him if she knows him.  That’s silly, God made most women so that they understand a man pretty well, there’s little a wife doesn’t know about her husband.  Women have the same fears.  God made women so that they become emotionally dependent on their husbands, but belonging to a man frightens most women.

VI b Being God’s Friend helps us be friends with others

My wife was frightened on our wedding night, she hadn’t expected to feel so dependent on me, but she knew that she belonged to God.  She realized that God had given her to me by putting those feelings in her.  She accepted belonging to me as she belonged to God.  We’d been married a few weeks when I heard her telling a friend about me; I was afraid that she knew me so well that she’d hurt me.  I realized that God already knew all about me and that God had given me a wife who loved me even though she understood me.  I realized that it was comforting for my wife to know me as it was comforting for God to know me.

Our relationships with God made our marriage relationship possible.  God knew me first, so I realized that God wants her to know me.  She was God’s first, so she could accept God’s giving her to me.  There’s fear in a man letting his wife know him.  There’s fear in a woman belonging to her husband and letting him take her.  Fear keeps us from loving God; fear keeps us from loving each other.

The sad part about people closing themselves in marriage is that it won’t work.  God gave women the gift of intuition, the only way a man can keep his wife from knowing his heart is to leave.  If he lives with her, she’ll know him better than he thinks.  Why, then, must he talk to her?  My wife would know I was bothered by something, but she couldn’t bear my burdens without knowing the details or my feelings behind it.  Similarly, we may know that a church member is bothered, but we can’t bear their burdens without talking openly with them enough to know what their burdens are.

God knows all about us, but if we open ourselves to Him in prayer, He likes knowing that we want Him to know.  The Bible says that Christians belong to God, but God likes hearing that His people like belonging to him.  As married people want their spouses to want to know them, God wants us to want Him to know us.  God wants us to want to be His friends.  It grieved God when Adam didn’t want to talk about Adam’s sin.  Adam didn’t want to cast his care onto God, he wanted to be aloof and to be apart from God.  We either knit ourselves together in love or we’ll end up biting and devouring because we won’t understand each other.

VI c Friendship with God helps us love each other

God loved us so much that He sent Jesus to die for us and to cleanse us; believing on Him gives us power to become sons of God!  Jesus commands us to love one another.  Even if we love God, we sinful people find it hard to love others as God loves them which is one reason why it’s commanded so often:

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.  And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.  Mark 12:30-31

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.  John 13:34-35

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.  John 15:12

These things I command you, that ye love one another.  John 15:17

For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.  I John 3:11

And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment.  I John 3:23

And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.  I John 4:21

Loving God is a good start, but being God’s friend makes it a lot easier to love others.

Conclusion: Loving God is the path to friendship

Jesus said, “for my yoke is easy and my burden light.”  The Pharisees had 613 rules; Jesus gave one:

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.  John 15:12

Only one command.  Everything else, fruit of the spirit, marriage, the work of the ministry, all come from loving Him.  “For the love of Christ constraineth us, II Cor. 5:14,” that is, makes us do what He wants us to do.  Loving Christ leads us to love one another and to obey Him in other ways.

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.  But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;  Matthew 5:43-44

Loving one another, and loving our enemies too.  We simply can’t do that without the help of the Holy Spirit, and we can’t love God without loving all of these people.  But if we are His, and God promises us the power to be His sons and to love one another if we ask for it, we can choose to be friends of God!  That’s what God wants; He wants us to want to be His friends.  Is that what we want?

Salvation and Marriage use the Same Plan

Thank you for coming, my brothers and sisters in Christ!  We have gathered to look in the Word of God to learn about one of God’s most important works, His Simple Plan of Marriage.  God made both salvation and marriage.  If you try to get to Heaven your own way, you go to Hell when you die.  If you try to do marriage your own way, you can make life Hell on earth.  Salvation is God’s most important gift to us, of course.  Jesus told us that very few would find their way to salvation through Him:

Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:  Matthew 7:11

Very few people find their way to Heaven via salvation, and only if we tell them how to be saved:

How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher? ¹⁵And how shall they preach, except they be sent? as it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!  Romans 10:14-15

In the same way, very few find their way to the joyful marriages God wants for us.

These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.  John 15:11 you should read that entire chapter because “these things” are good for you.

We must teach “these things” that Jesus gave us in the Bible so that others can have Jesus’ joy in their lives.  We start by teaching our own children as they grow up so they can live Christian lives when they leave home.

Let us pray.  Our father, we thank you for loving us enough to give us the gift of salvation so that our sins can be washed away by the blood of Jesus.  We thank you for loving us enough to give us the gift of marriage.  We thank you for helping husbands and wives who belong to you pass your love and your grace back and forth between them so that lost people will see us do it and want your love and your grace for themselves.  Lord, help us to faithfully show Your love and Your grace to lost people all around us so that we can help them ask You for Your salvation when You draw them to You (Jn. 6:44).  We ask this in Jesus Name, Amen.

It’s no surprise that people have trouble getting the joyful blessings God planned for marriage even though marriage is as simple as salvation.  Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, was greatly frustrated in marriage:

Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28  Solomon counted carefully and couldn’t find a good wife!

This was Solomon’s fault.  He had 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Ki. 11:3).  The Bible tells us four times that opening herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11).  A woman will be OK with being humbled and enjoy belonging to a man if she’s convinced that he belongs to her and appreciates her, but belonging to a man who won’t belong to her is very hard on a woman.  It makes her very unhappy.

When my wife is unhappy, the entire house is unhappy no matter how she tries to keep her unhappiness inside her.  The Bible warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship:  (Proverbs 19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24, 27:15).  This is not criticism of women; it's a warning to men to nourish, appreciate, love, sanctify, and honor their wives as taught in the Song of Solomon.

What is the opposite of an unhappy woman making her house unhappy?  A happy woman fills the entire house and everything in it with love and light.  A man should be willing to work pretty hard to make his wife happy; giving his wife something to be happy about is the only way he can live joyfully with her.

In the Book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon listed many things that didn’t make him happy, but he gave one way to find joy, and that’s with your wife:

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9

Men, the Bible teaches that besides your life in Christ, your work and your wife are all that there is in this life.  There is no joy this side of Heaven for a man that compares with having a woman like belonging to him, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her.

A man can have many wives, but belonging to a woman requires that he open his heart to her.  This takes so many hours of conversation that no man can belong to more than one.  We know that Solomon didn’t belong to any of his wives - having a man choose to belong to her makes a woman happy.  Solomon couldn’t find even one happy woman.  He had 1,000 unhappy women running around the palace.  Wow!  Talk about an unhappy home!  Everything he did was vanity and chasing after wind because he did it for himself:

I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards:  Ecclesiastes 2:4

Men, what you and I do is not vanity because we work to support our wives, our children, and our churches.  Our families give meaning to our work; if we were alone, life would be vanity and chasing after wind.  When my wife chose to belong to me after we were married, I found that making her happy made me happier than anything I could do for myself.  Nothing straightens a man up like having a woman lean on him.

I feel sorry for Solomon.  We can do better because we have a lot more of God's Word than he did.  We have the Song of Solomon to show us how married people should talk to each other - there is no criticism at all in the Song, only lavish, detailed praise.  How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and were always looking for little things to praise?  That’s the essence of the Song.

Why We Studied Marriage

By the time my wife and I were married in 1971, most of our friends were already divorced.  We found that God had given us something precious in our marriage but we couldn’t explain it.  We spent the next 40 years trying to write down what God had in mind for marriage so others could enjoy the blessing God intended for every married couple.  God has called us to be marriage evangelists.

It took 20 years of hearing husbands criticize the way God had made their wives and hearing wives complain about the way God made their husbands to see that our marriage was founded on what we believe about God.  We both believe strongly that God is good.  Our marriage works because my wife believes that God made me to be good for her and I believe that God made her to be good for me.  We don’t always appreciate everything about each other, of course, we’re sinful human beings who mess up, but our basic attitude is gratitude to God for leading us to marriage and to each other for finding contentment and joy in marriage.

Years before we met, we both believed that God loved us and that God wanted us to find contentment and joy in this life.  John 10:10 quotes Jesus: "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."  God wants us to have abundant lives, but we must follow His program for our lives to bear the fruit He wants from each of His people (Titus 2:7,14).

My future wife read that she’d have to obey, honor, respect, and submit to her husband.  She knew that God is good, so she believed that this would be good for her even if she didn't see how obeying a man would bless her.  She saw that she’d have to wait for a husband whom she could respect and honor and who was going where God wanted her to go.  She would have to keep her heart with all diligence, that is, very carefully, so she wouldn’t fall in love with the wrong guy while she waited for the man God chose for her.

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23

I knew that God is good and that God made women as His good and perfect gifts for men:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. ⁹Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9 women need to think on this passage!

Jesus said in Luke 17:27 and 20:34 that men marry and women are given in marriage.  The Bible teaches that a wife is a gift to her husband.  Who made women for men?  God did.  A wife is a gift from God!

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?  Matthew 7:11

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17

Men, our wives are good and perfect gifts from God Himself!  At the time we met, many of my friends were frustrated by their girlfriends; it was clear to me that although they wanted women badly, they didn't believe that women were "good things" or favors from God.  I realized that since God loved me and didn't want me to be alone, He made women to bless men in general and that He had made my wife to bless me in particular.  If I didn't understand how she blessed me that was my problem, and not God's!

God warns that a man’s prayers are blocked unless he knows his wife and acts on knowledge of her:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7

“according to knowledge” doesn’t mean “obey,” it means think about her when deciding what to do.  That’s another way to describe good management – it’s based on knowing what your people can do, understanding how your decisions affect them, and getting them involved in working out plans for the future.  If a man doesn’t do that, God won’t hear his prayers very well!

Not even God expects me to understand my wife, but that works both ways.  My wife knows that I have strong physical desires for her, but she doesn’t understand that any more than I understand the way she feels about babies.  I knew that she was a good gift from God, however, so I realized that if I didn’t see how something about her blessed me, I had to wait and figure it out.  It took years to see how some of her ways blessed our family because they didn’t show any benefit until our kids were teenagers.

The God we serve ordained both salvation and marriage.  If you try to get to Heaven your own way, you go to Hell when you die.  If you try to do marriage your own way, you can make life Hell on earth, but if you do it God’s way, husband and wife can give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.

In the same way that we study the Bible to learn God's Simple Plan of Salvation so that we can go to Heaven when we die and take others with us, let’s study the Bible to explore God's Simple Plan of Marriage so that we can find the abundant lives Jesus wants for us and show others how to find the same blessing.

The Testimony of Marriage

Christian marriages are the most powerful testimony we can offer.  Christian couples have problems just like lost couples.  If lost people see that we can't handle the trials of marriage any better than they can, why would they care what we say about the life to come?  Divorce wrecks our testimony.  When lost people see that Christians don’t keep the most solemn vows there are - the wedding vows between husband and wife – how can they believe that God will keep His promises to them?

If lost people see us sharing the fruit of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: (Galatians 5:22-23), they'll want God's grace for themselves.  We can tell them God’s Simple Plan how to get God’s grace and forgiveness, but they must want it and ask God for it.  You can’t want it for them any more than they want it for themselves.

God gave us His Simple Plan of Salvation.  Jesus told Nicodemus, “Ye must be born again.”  The Bible often compares salvation, that is, our relationship to God, to marriage.

Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.  Romans 7:4

To belong to Christ, we must die to our former lives to be reborn into a new life of belonging to Him.  That’s an incredibly simple plan, but people have trouble with it.  What about His plan for marriage?

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. ³²This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:31-33

The only way two separate people can become one as God expects is for each of them to die to their former selves in favor of this new family they have vowed to create for the Glory of God.  God knew that we would have so much trouble with His Plan of Salvation that there was no way we could handle two different plans.  He made one plan work for both!  To be saved, we die to our former lives, belong to God, and serve Him gladly because we love Jesus (2 Co. 5:14).  To marry, we die to our former individual lives, belong to each other, and serve each other gladly because we love each other (Jn. 13:34, 15:12, 15:17, Ro. 13:8, 1 Thes. 4:9, 1 Jn. 3:11, 3:23, 4:7, 4:11-12, 2 Jn. 1:5).  God gave us that command 12 times!  Could showing God’s love to each other be that important?  It is that important, it’s how we show everyone that we belong to Him:

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.  John 13:35

You’ve told people about Jesus.  What stops them from being saved?  Pride.  Remember how you came to Christ.  You had to humble yourself enough to admit that you could never be good enough to go to Heaven.  You had to admit that you were going to die in your sins and go to Hell.  You had to humble yourself to ask Christ to save you and ask Him to help you repent of your sins, which means you quit doing them.

What stops people from creating joyful marriages?  Pride.  Most people choose to preserve their own individual independent selves instead of giving up their plans and wants in favor of building the family by serving each other.  There’s only one plan, and pride keeps people from following it.

Suppose a man claims to be saved because he asked Jesus into his heart long ago.  What is his marriage like?  Does he nourish his family with the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance (Gal. 5:22-23)?  God expects His people to lead by serving (Mk. 9:35, 10:44). If he hasn’t become a servant leader to his family, if he isn’t sharing the fruits of the spirit, if he can’t share grace and forgiveness with other people, he probably doesn’t have them to share.  He’s acting like he’s still on the throne of his life instead of yielding control to Jesus Christ.

True salvation means turning all of your life over to God and letting the Holy Spirit direct your paths (Pr. 3:6).  If you hear, “I have the right to decide…” it’s a good sign we won’t see that person in Heaven.

We’ve seen men and women who claim to be Christians refuse to turn their lives over to their new family and insist on staying in control instead of serving the family.  Will we see those men and women in Heaven?

We'll show how you can use God's Word to transform marriages by showing others how to base marriages on God's Word.  In changing lives, it's always a good idea to get back to basics.  Salvation and marriage use the same plan, so we'll review God's love and God's holiness which give power to salvation.  Salvation is of God; He gives us the power to become one with Him and to join His family but we must choose to use the power:

But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:  John 1:12

Salvation is of God; He gives us the power to join His family and become His sons!  Marriage is of God; He gives husbands and wives the power to become one with each other but we have to choose to use His power in our marriages and in the rest of our lives.  Reviewing God’s Simple Plan of Salvation will prepare us to understand God’s Simple Plan of Marriage.  There really is only one plan.

The Gospel of Jesus Death, Resurrection, Grace, Forgiveness, and Salvation in 2 Words – “and Peter”

The most painful part for Jesus about dying on the cross was being separated from God his Father (Mt. 27:46, Mk 15:34).  God could not look on His Son while the guilt of all our sins, past, present and future rested on Jesus as He paid the penalty for our sins.  When He rose from the dead, Jesus proved His power over death, so we know He will raise us up in His time (Jn. 11:24-25).

When Jesus told his disciples He had to die, Peter told Him it couldn’t happen.  Jesus told him, Get thee behind me, Satan and called him an offence (Mt. 16:23, Mk. 8:33).  Jesus didn’t want to be crucified – He prayed that His Father would not make Him do it (Mt. 26:39).  Jesus, the man, was tempted as we are (Heb. 4:15).  When we’re tempted not to follow one of God’s commands, the last thing we need is someone close to us telling us not to do what's right.

Peter denied Jesus 3 times during Jesus’ trial and felt terrible (Mt. 26:75, Lk. 22:62).  That, by the way, is how we know that Peter did belong to Jesus.  We’ve all heard people denying both Jesus and God as if it meant nothing.

The two resurrection words that warm my heart most are “and Peter.”  The angel told the women who came to the tomb to finish anointing Jesus’ body, “But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter (Mark 16:7)”.  Women like bringing peace and encouragement if men will listen.  God knew that the women would tell Peter that Jesus still wanted him.

Women can melt a man by speaking kindly – Peter, you’re still a disciple – He wanted you by name!  It worked – Peter was with the disciples when Jesus told them to Get Going! and gave them the Holy Ghost:

Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. ²²And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost:  John 20:21-22

When Jesus said “and Peter,” He knew Peter wouldn’t get going after receiving the Holy Ghost.  He knew Peter would go fishing instead, and He said “and Peter” anyway!  Wow!  Think about His love for you!

When Peter went fishing instead of starting the church as Jesus wanted, Jesus went after Peter again (Jn. 21).  Having created Peter, Jesus knew that men are afraid to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt.

Peter had seen Jesus weep at Lazarus' tomb (Jn. 11:35), he saw Him mourn for Jerusalem (Mt. 23:37, Lk. 13:34) and Capernaum (Mt. 11:23, Lk. 10:15).  Peter knew that if he let Jesus send him as God had sent Jesus, he would sorrow when people he loved refused the gospel.  He wanted no part of Jesus’ sorrow or grief (Is. 53:3-4).

Peter was right about that.  I sorrowed when my friend who was best man at my wedding refused to ask Jesus for salvation.  As he recovered from a heart attack, I tried to tell him again.  He finally said, “I get it.  Free will means that I can choose to go to Hell if I want to.”  His 2nd attack killed him about a week later.

Jesus pushed Peter to admit that Peter loved Him.  That didn't make Peter love Jesus - he already did – but Peter wouldn’t recognize or admit his love for Jesus until Jesus pushed him.

Once he admitted to himself that he loved Jesus, Peter had to spread the word – Paul explained that it’s the love of Christ which pushes to do what He wants us to do  (2 Cor. 5:14)!  That’s why Jesus wants us to know and accept His love for us and ours for Him – we can’t do His work without it.

Similarly, a man must admit to himself that he loves his wife and then he must convince her that he loves her.  If he doesn't do that, telling lost people that God loves them won't work because lost people will see that his wife doesn’t think he loves her.

How can anyone believe what we tell them about God’s Love for them if they see that we don’t love each other or that we don’t love them?  When lost people see husband and wife forgiving one another and passing God's love and grace back and forth between them, however, they want God’s love for themselves.  God gave us the privilege and the honor of telling them how to get it.  Do you know how to tell them?

Jesus set us His example - "and Peter!"  He meant and me, and He meant and my wife and our children and He meant and you.  He meant and everyone who chooses to belong to Him, no matter what our sins may have been.  We must forgive and encourage each other as Christ forgave and encouraged Peter.

Peter’s love was weak in John 21, but even weak love made him willing.  God AZlways accepts whatever you have if you’re willing to serve Him.  (2 Cor. 8:12).  Peter planted and watered in his Pentecost sermon.  God accepted what he had and gave increase to the church of about 3,000.

If your love is strong enough that you want to serve Him but don’t know how, find someone who is serving Him and help!  God will give you more to do as you grow as Peter did.   As with Peter, Jesus began a good work in you and He will perform it until the day He returns (Phi. 1:6).

We sum up the gospel of repentance, grace, forgiveness, service, and love in two words, "and Peter."

Jesus Gently Encouraged the Apostle Peter’s Spiritual Growth

Clicking any footnote takes you to the scripture verse.  The browser “back” button takes you back to where you were.

Jesus used Peter to show us His HIGH standard for being patient with others

Jesus encouraged Peter many times and patiently waited for Peter to grow spiritually (2 Pe. 3:17-18[1]):

1)      Peter walked on water; he then lost faith and had to be rescued (Mt. 14:30[2]).  Peter could swim (Jn. 21:7[3]); why did he fear?

2)      On the Mount of transfiguration, Peter offered to build three tabernacles, one for Jesus, “one for Moses, and one for Elias: not knowing what he said (Luk. 9:33[4], Mt. 17:4[5], Mk. 9:5[6]).”

3)      Jesus said "Get thee behind me, Satan (Mt. 16:23[7], Mk. 8:33[8])" when Peter told Him He would not die.

4)      Peter denied Jesus three times as He had predicted, then wept bitterly (Mt. 26:75[9], Luk. 22:61-62[10]).

5)      Jesus appeared twice to them, the doors being shut, gave them the Holy Spirit, and sent them out to spread His Gospel as His Father had sent Him (Jn. 20:21-22[11]).  That was when Jesus wanted the church age to start, but Peter went fishing instead.  Peter was a leader - 6 other disciples went with him instead of obeying Jesus (Jn. 21:1-3[12]).

6)      It was John, not Peter, who realized from Jesus' signature move, the net full of fish which Jesus had given when He called them to be His disciples (Luk. 5:5-6[13]) that it was Jesus (Jn. 21:7[14]).

7)      Having created Peter (Jn. 1:3[15]), Jesus knew how hard it is for men to admit their love.  Peter was an unlearned and ignorant man (Acts 4:13[16], II Peter 3:16[17]).  He hadn't read that Jesus would be a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, but he had seen Jesus weeping and grieving over the cities of Israel (Mt. 11:23[18], 23:37[19], Luk. 10:13-15[20], 13:34[21]).  Peter did not want the sorrow of loving people and seeing them fall away (Jn. 11:35[22]).  Men are afraid to admit their love for their wives for fear of being hurt - they know a woman can vex a man's soul to death (Jud. 16:16[23]) and don’t really believe that man can trust a woman with his heart (Pr. 31:11-12[24]).

8)      Jesus poked Peter 3 times and the best Peter could do was to admit to filios, brotherly love.  Did this make Peter love Jesus?  No, Peter already loved Him - he wept bitterly when he betrayed Jesus (Mt. 26:75[25]) - but he didn't want to admit his love for Jesus, knowing how love can lead to sorrow.

9)      Peter gave a multilingual speech on the day of Pentecost and thousands accepted Christ, but instead of going to the "uttermost parts of the world," he hung around Jerusalem until persecution scattered the Christians (Acts 8:1b[26]).  How often does God have to give US a hard time to get us moving?

10)  Instead of going to the gentiles, Peter had to be given a vision of unclean animals and insects (Acts 10:13[27]) three times to make him willing to go with Cornelius’ servants.

11)  Having seen gentiles come to Christ, Peter sided with the Judaizers of Galatia (Gal. 2:11-12[28]).

12)  After Paul’s rebuke, Peter sided with the non-Judaizers during the Jerusalem council (Acts 15:7-10[29]) and told the Jews that they could be saved in the same way as Christians (Acts 15:11[30]).

Peter finally got it (Phi. 1:9-10[31]) – he mentions the highest form of sacrificial love which Jesus expects of all of us many times in his letters.

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.  John 13:35

“Love one another” is found 12 times in the New Testament, but having seen Jesus’ pain when people whom He loved did not accept Him, Peter didn’t want to “get involved.”

Jesus was patient with Peter and let him develop.  Pastors are required to have wives and children (Titus 1:6[32]) to teach them how young children and young Christians develop – slowly!  The most important leadership verse and parenting verse I know is

For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not.  II Corinthians 8:12

Part of the reason God sent us our retarded son Ben was to teach us patience, but also to show the importance of this verse.  Ben is willing to serve God, so God is satisfied as long as Ben willingly gives God the best of everything God gave him (Ro. 12:1-2[33], Eph. 2:10[34], 2 Tim. 2:24-26[35]).

I preached an Easter message about Jesus going after Peter and leading him along.  It could be used as a note on leadership; some of the ideas fit either use.

https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html  explains what drove Jesus' nobodies to turn the world upside-down.  His resurrection changed them, but didn't drive them, they went fishing instead.  What drove them to put their lives on the line to do it?  Their love for Him, their love for other Christians, and their love for the lost.

Why do people come to Christ?  Jude tells us that there are two possibilities:

And of some have compassion, making a difference: ²³And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.  Jude 1:22-23

We make a difference to some people by showing them the love of Christ, and we save others by teaching them about their sins and the fires of Hell.

 

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[1] Ye therefore, beloved, seeing ye know these things before, beware lest ye also, being led away with the error of the wicked, fall from your own stedfastness. ¹⁸But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.  II Peter 3:17-18

[2] But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.  Matthew 14:30

[3] Therefore that disciple whom Jesus loved saith unto Peter, It is the Lord. Now when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he girt his fisher's coat unto him, (for he was naked,) and did cast himself into the sea.  John 21:7

[4] And it came to pass, as they departed from him, Peter said unto Jesus, Master, it is good for us to be here: and let us make three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias: not knowing what he said.  Luke 9:33

[5] Then answered Peter, and said unto Jesus, Lord, it is good for us to be here: if thou wilt, let us make here three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias.  Matthew 17:4

[6] And Peter answered and said to Jesus, Master, it is good for us to be here: and let us make three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias.  Mark 9:5

[7] But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.  Matthew 16:23

[8] But when he had turned about and looked on his disciples, he rebuked Peter, saying, Get thee behind me, Satan: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men.  Mark 8:33

[9] And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly.  Matthew 26:75

[10] And the Lord turned, and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. ⁶²And Peter went out, and wept bitterly.  Luke 22:61-62

[11] Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. ²²And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost:  John 20:21-22

[12] After these things Jesus shewed himself again to the disciples at the sea of Tiberias; and on this wise shewed he himself. ²There were together Simon Peter, and Thomas called Didymus, and Nathanael of Cana in Galilee, and the sons of Zebedee, and two other of his disciples. ³Simon Peter saith unto them, I go a fishing. They say unto him, We also go with thee. They went forth, and entered into a ship immediately; and that night they caught nothing.  John 21:1-3

[13] And Simon answering said unto him, Master, we have toiled all the night, and have taken nothing: nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net. ⁶And when they had this done, they inclosed a great multitude of fishes: and their net brake.  Luke 5:5-6

[14] Therefore that disciple whom Jesus loved saith unto Peter, It is the Lord. Now when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he girt his fisher's coat unto him, (for he was naked,) and did cast himself into the sea.  John 21:7

[15] All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.  John 1:3

[16] Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marvelled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus.  Acts 4:13

[17] As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also the other scriptures, unto their own destruction.  II Peter 3:16

[18] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day.  Matthew 11:23

[19] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!  Matthew 23:37

[20] Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works had been done in Tyre and Sidon, which have been done in you, they had a great while ago repented, sitting in sackcloth and ashes. ¹⁴But it shall be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon at the judgment, than for you. ¹⁵And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven, shalt be thrust down to hell.  Luke 10:13-15

[21] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not!  Luke 13:34

[22] Jesus wept.  John 11:35

[23] And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;  Judges 16:16

[24] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. ¹²She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.  Proverbs 31:11-12

[25] And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly.  Matthew 26:75

[26] And at that time there was a great persecution against the church which was at Jerusalem; and they were all scattered abroad throughout the regions of Judaea and Samaria, except the apostles.  Acts 8:1b

[27] And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat.  Acts 10:13

[28] But when Peter was come to Antioch, I withstood him to the face, because he was to be blamed. ¹²For before that certain came from James, he did eat with the Gentiles: but when they were come, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing them which were of the circumcision.  Galatians 2:11-12

[29] And when there had been much disputing, Peter rose up, and said unto them, Men and brethren, ye know how that a good while ago God made choice among us, that the Gentiles by my mouth should hear the word of the gospel, and believe. ⁸And God, which knoweth the hearts, bare them witness, giving them the Holy Ghost, even as he did unto us; ⁹And put no difference between us and them, purifying their hearts by faith. ¹⁰Now therefore why tempt ye God, to put a yoke upon the neck of the disciples, which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear?  Acts 15:7-10

[30] But we believe that through the grace of the LORD Jesus Christ we shall be saved, even as they.  Acts 15:11

[31] And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; ¹⁰That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ.  Philippians 1:9-10

[32] If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly.  Titus 1:6

[33] I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. ²And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.  Romans 12:1-2

[34] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.  Ephesians 2:10

[35] And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, ²⁵In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; ²⁶And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.  II Timothy 2:24-26

How a Man Protects His Wife

You must earn your wife’s trust from the moment you meet her until death.  How can she respect, follow, open herself to you, obey you, honor you, and submit herself to you if she can’t trust you?  She’ll want to know whether you’re able to lead her, and if so, will you lead her gently?

Do you blame everything that goes wrong on her as Adam did (Ge. 3:12) or do you take responsibility?  God appointed you to lead her; you must be worthy of her trust.  Failure belongs to you, too, so you must work with her and use her gifts along with yours to figure out how to prevent future failures.

God made men bigger and stronger than women, so her husband is the person most likely to hurt a wife by bumping into her or tripping over her.  God also gave women more sensitive emotions than He gave men, so her husband is the most likely person to hurt her feelings by being careless in how he talks to her.  God made them male and female, and they’re very different.  Be careful to protect her from you.

Shortly before our wedding, my future wife asked that I never fuss at her.  “I want to love you very much,” she said.  “The more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me.  I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”

That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.”  I do not want to keep her from loving me, so I always watch what I say.  Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.  Not once.

The Protection She Needs Most

There is no joy this side of heaven for a man like having his wife enjoy belonging to him; having her follow him gladly is an additional benefit.  For her to follow you happily, or to follow you at all, it’s vital that your wife trust you to protect her from your passions and from hers starting the moment you meet her and continuing until one of you dies.

The Bible explains this man-woman thing.  Jacob loved Rachel the moment he saw her (Ge. 29:19) and worked for Laban 7 years to earn the right to take her to wife:

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

Jacob wanted Rachel badly enough to work for years.  Why did he do that?  He wanted her that badly.

Many valentines have a naked little kid with a bow and arrow.  That’s Cupid, the Greek god of love.  When Cupid plinks a man with his arrow, the man falls madly in love with the next woman he sees.

God knows that marriage brings great responsibilities and great trials.  He put powerful desires into men so they would stand with their wives when things got tough, but there’s a problem – when a man’s attracted enough to a woman to want to be with her, he’s driven to get physical with her, and his desire increases the more he’s with her.  No woman can understand this any more than a man can understand how women feel about babies, but every girl must know this and be careful not to be alone with any man not her husband.

How can a woman tell when a man’s sexually aroused?  He’s breathing.  Nurses in old-age homes say that when a man is no longer aware of them as women, he’s a few hours from death.

My wife tells a young lady that her husband dreams of 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.  God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his plan.  Girls who haven’t even dated know that they’ll lose their independence if a man does that.  It tends to horrify her, but when she realizes that she’ll want him to open his heart to her whenever she wants to talk, which is at least that often, she’ll know it will be OK for her to belong to him if he belongs to her.  If he’s hers, seeing his joy in having her will make her happy.  The wife in the Song of Solomon agrees (Song 1:2, 2:16, 6:3).

The Bible states that giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10-11).  Your seminal fluid which you inject into her body is about 1-3% sperm.  80% is a sugar solution which may feed the sperm as they swim through her fallopian tube to fertilize her egg.  The rest is a mixture of hundreds of chemicals which are absorbed into her bloodstream.  Some make her immune system less likely to reject your sperm; others affect her brain, either triggering ovulation or the production of other hormones by other organs.  These hormones tend to strengthen her bond with the man who takes her.

This can cause such powerful emotional reactions that losing her independence can be frightening, particularly if she hasn’t been warned.  We know Isaac’s wife Rebecca had been warned because she veiled herself before meeting him (Ge. 24:64-65).  It wasn’t the custom to veil women or Isaac wouldn’t have told her to say she was his sister (Ge. 26:7), so why did she do it?  She’d been told that Isaac had plans and that his agenda would have a powerful emotional effect on her.  She covered herself to get a little space.

Men and women are more different than we imagine

The Bible tells us how a man reacts to taking his bride to wife:

Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.  Psalm 19:5

He feels like Superman, he’s ready to leap tall buildings at a single bound!  What of her?  The hormones produced in her body by his chemicals have bound her to him.  She realizes that this is the man she must please, this is the man who will lead her, and she hopes it will work out well.

She probably wasn’t very interested in coming together.  Research shows that most women aren’t aroused except when they’re fertile.  This can be a few hours per month or as little as fifteen minutes when her desire can be aroused by a man’s touch.

Men are interested all the time, so we have to learn to control our impulses, urges, and desires.

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28

Women are hardly ever interested, so your date will have no experience controlling such powerful urges.  Some older women tell girls not to kiss “because it’ll give him ideas.”  That’s totally wrong.  Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas.  The problem with kissing is that if it happens during her fertile time, it gives her ideas.  When both the man and the woman have the same idea, it is very hard to stop.  That’s why the Bible teaches that it’s better not to touch an unmarried woman so as to kindle her desires (1 Cor. 7:1-2).

Protect Her from You and From Herself

On our second date, the Holy Spirit led my future wife to tell me that she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night.  She had no idea she was going to say that, it just popped out.  She was embarrassed, but she had made me responsible for protecting her purity.  She’d been asking God to protect her for years, now she asked me to help God protect her.

We had no idea how important purity is to successful marriage, but we found out why God had her tell me that.  My desire for her had been building since we met, but she’d make purity important and I played things very cool for weeks.  We knew fornication was wrong; we were saving ourselves for marriage.

She was put off because I was so aloof.  She was about to marry me, she was about to commit her life to me, and she wanted to know I loved her and that I wanted her badly enough to stay with her.  She looked at me with a peculiar look and said, “You’re acting so cold and aloof, I’m not sure you really want me!”

That blew me away.  Here I was, doing my very best to keep our marriage pure, and she didn’t know I wanted her!  There are times when there’s nothing you can say to a woman, there are times when the only way to communicate is with action.  I put my arms around her, and kissed her thoroughly, just like romance stories, I put a burning kiss on her upturned face.

I didn’t know that kissing could trigger her desires.  We weren’t aware of the warning:

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. ²Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  I Corinthians 7:1-2

The Greek word translated “touch” carries the meaning of kindling her or arousing her.  Having had no instructing in that area, I had crossed God’s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness.

She relaxed for a few seconds, then struggled, then went limp.  I finished kissing and looked at her.  She was stunned.  She was panting lightly; her face was flushed.  I picked up her hand and it flopped down to her side, she was limp.  My kiss set her off, her hormones were in charge, and she was mine for the taking.

I then did the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.  That kiss worked on me, too, I was no longer cool or aloof, I wanted her as badly as she wanted me to take her, but I backed her up until she sat down in a chair, I backed up to another chair, and sat down to get my breath.

After a few minutes, she said, “Wow, you really do want me!”  I said, “Yeah, but we better get out of here,” and we got.  We were never, ever alone again until after our wedding.

She told me what happened.  She said, “I felt a falling sensation, that’s when I struggled, then I was lost.  You could’ve done anything you wanted with me, and I couldn’t have done anything about it.  I couldn’t yell, I couldn’t struggle, I was yours.”

That’s how date rape happens, a man rubs her or kisses her at the wrong time, and she’s his.

A wife who’s on the pill will never be fertile.  Although she can have sex, she generally won’t be nearly as interested as when she’s fertile.  Giving herself when she isn’t interested is what “submit” means.

Why Purity Was Important

Serving God by belonging to me cost her more than she expected.  My wife knew that God told Eve that her desire would be to her husband (Gen 3:16) and she knew that women are made for men (I Cor 11:9-10), all women should think about those passages.  She thought God meant that she’d want to get married.  She’d wanted to be a wife and mother all her life; she thought she understood what God had in mind.

Nobody told her what to expect.  She didn’t know that God had worked on her hormones so that she’d really be mine.  A few hours after our wedding, she was shocked at how strongly she yearned to belong to me.  My taking her to wife had deeply changed her feelings.  She’d expected to love me, but she also lost her sense of independence as God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me.

Deu. 21:14 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man “has humbled” a woman by taking her, that’s part of the cost of having a man in her life.  We may think this is something the man does to the woman, but the Hebrew word shows that a wife should choose to humble herself as Jesus humbled Himself:

And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.  Philippians 4:8

God wants children to have fathers.  God made women so that a woman wants to cling to the man who takes her.  Humbling herself by clinging to her husband and serving him gladly helps her children have a father, but her feeling of belonging to me gave her an endless feeling of falling through space.  This was the most frightening experience of her life.  She wanted to run away!

Weddings are a circus, I was worn out; she couldn’t sleep.  Her mind wanted her to run and get back her independence, but instead of running, she went in the next room and cried out to God, “Oh, Lord, what have I done, I let him take me, now I belong to him!”

Then she prayed, “God, I asked you to stop me if he wasn’t right for me, and You didn’t.”  She knew God was faithful.  All her days, she’d prayed that God would work on her heart to make her the wife He wanted her to be.  This feeling of belonging to me didn’t make sense, nobody had told her about it, but such a strong feeling from within her had to be God working on her heart as she’d asked Him to do.  She finally prayed, “Lord, You must really want me to belong to him.  If that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.”  Having chosen to humble herself by belonging to me, she came back to bed.

Being mine was an act of her will.  Her mind didn’t see any reason to give up her independence and belong to me but God had answered her prayer and worked on her heart so that she wanted to be mine.  As she prayed, she decided that her heart wanted what God wanted and her mind followed where her heart led.  Having decided that she would belong to me, she’s always done her best from her heart and from her mind.

Once she humbled herself, she could be a keeper at home.  Many women want to keep working because earning money gives them freedom and independence.  Having willingly given up her independence, however, the money, recognition, and praise of work had no appeal.  Humbling herself made her content to give up her job and take care of our children, her husband, and our home as God desires (1 Ti. 5:14).

The fact that I had earned her trust made her able to give up her job when the time came.  A woman who doesn’t trust her husband generally wants to keep her own income stream just in case.  Consider this:

The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills.  Song 2:8

Why is he rushing home?  To admire the curtains?  To see how neatly she’s stacked her towels?  Nope, he’s rushing home because he’s confident that his wife will welcome his most intimate touch.  She, on the other hand, is eagerly awaiting his desire to talk to her, tell her everything that happened and how he felt about it, and to tell him all about how her day went.  It is as scary for a man to open his heart to his wife as it is for her to open her body to him, but that’s what the Bible teaches.  God did indeed make them male and female.

The Importance of Talk

Just before our wedding, my future wife told me she was really looking forward to being married.  I was too (Ge. 29:21, 1 Cor. 7:9).  I thought we were on the same page, but she went on.  “I really like talking to you.  Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”

That’s more talking than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day!  I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else.  I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more.  As she got marriage on the table, as she made me responsible for protecting her purity, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant.

I had no idea how vital this was.  Suffice it to say that a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants.  She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants.  Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.

If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to communicate with her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.  Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.”  God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her.  Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine.  The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife are supposed to belong to each other (Song 2:16, 6:3).  God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her, and all that talk made me hers and convinced her that I was hers.

Keeping her Calm

The hormones which take away independence wear off in a few hours.  If her husband makes love to her more often than that, she’ll stay calm and always feel like belonging to him.  When he leaves for a while, these feelings fade, independence returns, and she can guide the house more vigorously while he’s gone.

A married woman takes on herself the yoke of pleasing her husband as we take on Christ’s yoke.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  Matthew 11:28-29

Making sure your wife can trust you helps her find rest in belonging to you.  She won’t like flipping back and forth between independence and dependence unless she trusts you deeply.

The wife in the Song gets advice from her mother how to please her husband (Song 8:3); a man should read the Song and follow her husband’s example of appreciating her and Mrs. Lemuel’s advice to teach their children to praise and appreciate her (Pr. 31:28-29).  It gives his wife comfort and rest in belonging to him, she’ll rejoice that God made her so desirable to him and that he enjoys her so much.  If he doesn’t give her rest, she’ll find his desires an abhorrent burden.  I’ve heard women say, “I’d rather die” than submit.

Women Need Protection

Years later, my wife explained why waiting until we were married was so important.  Her emotional reaction of belonging to me was so frightening that she didn’t think she could have stayed with me if I hadn’t already promised before God and our families that I’d be hers until death.  If we hadn’t been married at the time, she would have walled off that part of her emotions, and they might never come back.

There is non-Biblical evidence for her fears.  The book "Unprotected" by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why sex outside marriage is so damaging.  Having treated more than 2,000 students for depression and other psychological problems at one of America's most prestigious universities, she wrote about her observations that a woman can become very depressed when she realizes her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex.  She published the first edition anonymously because claiming that men and women have different emotions was so Politically Incorrect that she feared for her job.

Women know that men should protect them for their emotions.  If he takes her out of season, she’ll think of him as a cad and a thief even if she wanted it at the time.  Having seen that I was strong enough to protect her not only from my passions but also from hers, she decided to trust me.  A man wants to have his wife several times per day.  This seems like more than a little much to a woman, especially in the first months of marriage when she isn’t sure how well her lubrication works.

When she was nervous, I’d tell her I’d stop if she said, “Ouch!” and I did.  Knowing that she could trust me not to hurt her, she was willing to try.  Except when she was ill, or hadn’t drunk enough water, or right after giving birth, God made her able to absorb all the passion I can generate so “Ouch” didn’t happen often.

How Stupid can Husbands Be?

There are few stupider things a man can do that are as stupid as showing his wife that in his passion he doesn’t care about hurting her.  A woman has a thousand thousand ways of deflecting her husband’s desires.  She’ll evade him and frustrate his desire unless she trusts him to be careful with her.

Being humbled makes her more sensitive to how he feels about her.  If he’s as appreciative of her as the husband in the Song of Solomon, she’ll be OK with feeling his love and desire more strongly (Song 7:10), but if she thinks he’s unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel put down any more often than she has to.

God designed women so that your wife multiplies whatever you give her and reflects it back to you.  Think about making babies.  You give her one tiny cell.  She nourishes your strength within herself and gives you a baby with billions of cells.  Every cell of that baby has your DNA (Gen. 5:3).  If you give her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if you give her a girl cell, she makes a girl.  We reap what we sow:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.  Galatians 6:7

God gave your wife sensitive emotions so that a she wants you to be pleased with her (1 Cor. 7:34) and so that she can tell whether you’re pleased or not.  Her emotions make her a mirror; she’s not a light.  Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex your soul to death (Jud. 16:16), multiply your unhappiness, and give all your unhappiness back to you.  If you give her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness you give her and fill your house with the light of your joy in her.  Men and their sons reap what they sow to the woman guiding the house, very quickly.  A man must teach his sons to honor and appreciate their mother.  If a meal turns into a kitchen disaster, for example, they must appreciate it and help clean up and fix it if possible, if only for the sake of the effort she put into it.

Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife or a son his mother.  Not for burned food, not for broken houseware, not for anything at all.  Not ever!  We know wives who received so many complaints that they quit cooking and bought prepared food so they could say, “Take it up with the manufacturer.”  Wives seek praise.  A woman is far more likely to stop doing something that isn’t praised than to stop doing it if she’s ordered to stop.

Sow love; reap a house full of love.  The secret of being happy in marriage is for you and your children to convince your wife that they are happy with her and protect her so that she trusts her family enough to follow you and enjoy giving herself to you.  That will make her happy, and her happiness fills your home with love and light.

The choice is yours; God made her a mirror reflecting back your relationship to her and your feelings toward her.  It really is that simple.

Can You Love Her as Christ Loves You?

Now we get to the final and most difficult question for you.  Christ expects you to love your wife as He loves you.  God knows that women often do things that drive men crazy, but that’s part of the package God gives as a gift, you don’t get to pick and choose which features you want and which you don’t.  Neither does she – you, too come as a complete package.  That’s why both of you should ask God to choose His best.

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.  Colossians 3:19

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; ²⁶That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.  Ephesians 5:25-27

The Greek word translated “love” is agapao, which is an act of will, it is not an emotion, it is something you are commanded to do if you marry her.  Note also that Christ sanctifies the church and cleanses it to present it “to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing.”  Are you prepared to help her develop her gifts and talents to present her to yourself a “glorious wife?”  “Without spot or wrinkle or any such thing” means that you must treat her as perfect for you.

Paul wrote that we do the work of spreading the Gospel because our love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes us do it.  We serve Him because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.

For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a

In the same way, our love for our spouses should constrain us to do whatever we can to please him or her.  If lost people see married Christians working to please each other out of love, they’ll often ask how we can handle the problems the other person causes.  That gives us a chance to talk about God’s love and God’s forgiveness.  God forgives us, so God expects us to forgive other people in the same way He forgave us.

Are you prepared to dedicate the rest of your life to treating this woman as Christ expects?

For further information on a woman’s needs, look at

https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2013/10/what-my-wife-told-me-before-we-were.html

which explains what she told me about herself.  What the Holy Spirit led her to tell me about making her happy laid the foundation for our marriage.  We wrote it down because it applies to many women.  If you’re thinking of becoming serious about a woman, discussing that article with her would explain her needs and give you confidence that you can make her happy.