What Drives Men to Marry?

Many women say they want to marry, but the way they behave makes it doubtful that any man will want to marry them.  The New York Times published “Sex on Campus – She Can Play That Game, Too,” which argues that women are as eager to participate in casual “hookups” as men are.

At 11 on a weeknight earlier this year, her work finished, a slim, pretty junior at the University of Pennsylvania did what she often does when she has a little free time.  She texted her regular hookup — the guy she is sleeping with but not dating.  What was he up to?  He texted back: Come over.  So she did.  They watched a little TV, had sex and went to sleep.

The Times called the woman “A” because she didn’t want her name used.  A doesn’t particularly like this man, but he’s a handy sexual partner.  She isn’t looking for a deeper relationship because she doesn’t have time:

“I positioned myself in college in such a way that I can’t have a meaningful romantic relationship, because I’m always busy and the people that I am interested in are always busy, too,” she said.

A values building her resume and her career over finding a husband.  She plans to spend the next decade or so on career development and marry in her mid thirties.

“Ten years from now, no one will remember — I will not remember — who I have slept with,” A. said. “But I will remember, like, my transcript, because it’s still there.  I will remember what I did.  I will remember my accomplishments and places my name is hung on campus.”

Sex means so little to A that she doesn’t expect to remember all the men she’s slept with.  She gives herself to men she doesn’t like because they’re good in bed.  Given her history and the fundamental importance of sex, why does she think that any man would want to marry her?

Sex Defines Marriage

Since the dawn of history, sex has defined marriage.  A woman may guide a man’s house without marrying him, we have housemaids.  It’s OK for a woman to raise a man’s children without marrying him; we have nannies and teachers, most of whom are women.  A woman can feed a man without marriage; we have cooks.

A woman can work with or for a man.  A man and woman may do just about everything together without being married, but there’s one thing tradition says they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex.

Commitment followed by sex defines marriage.  Generations ago, the Bible taught that their commitment meant that Isaac and Rebecca were married without benefit of clergy of any kind when he took her:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67

Mrs. Schwarzenegger had no problem with her husband hiring a woman to help her keep house and help her raise her children.  When it came out that her husband had fathered her house cleaner’s child, however, she divorced him immediately.  In her mind, marriage meant that he could have sex only with her.

Mrs. Schwarzenegger came from the Kennedy family whose members aren’t famous for sexual fidelity.  Despite this background, she was so certain that her husband should have sex only with her that she left him over an affair that had happened years before she learned of it.

Sex Makes Marriage Happen

The driving force of marriage has been known for generations.  Jacob worked for Rachel’s father for seven years.  He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked together, and did things together.  Why wasn’t this enough for him?  Why did he want to marry her?

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

Jacob wanted to marry Rachel so he could have sex with her; custom required marriage before sex.  Jacob wasn’t the only man in the Bible who married so that he could have a woman.  Consider Boaz:

Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.  Ruth 3:18

Naomi said that after Ruth came back from the harvest celebration and told Naomi “all that the man had done to her.”  Why, “will not be in rest”?  Married women know why the man wouldn’t be in rest until he’d finished the thing that day.  Have men changed at all?  Here’s what Ruth had said to Boaz:

I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman.  Ruth 3:9

Boaz didn’t think of marriage until Ruth asked him to marry her, but once she mentioned it, he thought it was such a good idea that early next morning Boaz runs out, gets witnesses, tells them he’s marrying Ruth, and then what?  “So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife” (Ruth 4:13) even though Ruth didn’t attend her own wedding.  What drives men to marry?  There’s no doubt at all, men want sex.  A man wants many things besides sex, of course, but sex is what drives him to marry.

A Man’s Goal in a Relationship

You see a young man with a young woman, she’s often wearing his jacket or shirt; she’s testing to see if he’ll keep her warm and safe.  She wants a man to protect her, take care of her, talk to her, and appreciate her as God’s unique gift to him.

What does he want?  He wants to have sex with her.  If she lets him have sex without marrying her, he’s less likely to marry her and won’t value her as much if he does marry.  Proverbs 31 teaches that a virtuous woman’s price is beyond calculation.  If a woman gives herself to a man without a commitment from him, she’s set her price very low because she’s cost him nothing.  Why marry a woman who’s worth so little?

What could be more basic?  Naomi told Ruth not to give Boaz rest, Boaz wanted Ruth badly enough that he couldn’t be in rest, so he took her to wife that day, what’s simpler than that?

Few women understand that a man has two possible reactions to sex.  If he doesn’t love her, if his desire is pure selfish lust (I Th. 4:5), having sex with her may make him feel contempt for her as Amnon hated Tamar after raping her (II Sam 13:15).

If he loves her, however, physical joining increases his love for her (Gen 34:3); that’s why it’s sometimes called “making love.”  A woman can tell when a man’s interested in her but the only way she can tell if he cares enough that they’ll be making love instead of just having sex is for him to marry her first.

Many a woman has let a man bed her because she thought he cared for her.  If a man truly cares for a woman, he won’t take her outside marriage because fornication harms her.  When a woman gives herself to man who isn’t committed to her, she usually ends up feeling betrayed.  This makes it harder for her to trust her husband enough to give herself to him as freely as he expected when he married her.

A man who takes a woman without commitment may live with her until she becomes burdensome or has a baby, or he may reject her after having her as Amnon rejected Tamar.  If a woman gives a man rest without marriage, if he can have her without making a commitment, what’s left to drive him to marry her?

It’s important to understand the good that comes from a man’s physical desire.  Most women complain that it’s hard to give gifts to husbands, sons, or brothers.  Why?  It’s because men don’t want anything.  That’s not quite true, men do want something, but what?  What do men want?  What desires did God design into men?

God knew what He was doing.  God planned for women to guide the house, which costs money.  God made men so that if a man’s wife is pleased to belong to him, that is, he can have her whenever he wants her and she lets him know she likes being his by thanking him for taking her, he doesn’t want much else.  Then they can spend his income on the family.  If he can’t have her as often as he wants her, he spends money on toys trying to make himself happy.  Ecc. 2 teaches that that won’t work, but it’s the best he can do if his wife isn’t his.

A’s Mistake

A has had so many sex partners that a potential husband will have trouble trusting her to be faithful to him.  After all, she repeatedly rolled in the hay with men she didn’t like because they gave her a good time.

When God brought Eve to Adam, did He have to say, “I'm sorry you didn't like any of My animals.  Here's someone I whipped up out of leftovers.  Why not talk to her, you might like her?”  Did God have to say that?

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.  And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  Genesis 2:22-24

The very first words Eve heard from Adam were a bit possessive.  Adam said Eve was part of him, she belonged to him, he could have her whenever he wanted her, that’s what “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” means to a man.  Men haven’t changed one jot since God brought Eve to Adam - men are possessive of their wives.  God made women for men (I Cor. 11:9) so very well that they’re worth having.

Adam called Eve “woman.”  Did he ask her what she wanted to be called?  He later named her Eve.  Do men put labels on women?  Who takes whose name?  Have men changed?

There’s a reason men are so possessive.  If a man cheats on his wife, she may feel betrayed as Mrs. Schwarzenegger felt betrayed, but unless he spends so much money on the other woman that he can’t feed her or her children, he won’t put her genetic survival at risk.

If a woman betrays her husband, on the other hand, he may raise other men’s children and be bred out of the gene pool.  Natural selection favors jealous, possessive men who keep other men away from their women.

What’s more, the social climate has changed.  Society used to criticize men who took women without marrying them.  Now, with no-fault divorce, a wife can leave her husband at any time for any reason or for no reason.  If she leaves, the courts award her the children, alimony, child support, and much of his property.  Marrying a woman makes it possible for her to trash him financially.

Marriage is now no more than a piece of paper; her character is his only protection against financial disaster.  Suppose she says she wants marriage but has sex without it.  If she’s willing to have sex without marriage, marriage means little to her.  Her actions demonstrate that what she says about valuing marriage is a lie.  Why would a man risk his finances to a woman who lies about something so fundamental to marriage?

Having his Baby

Surveys of couples who’re living together show that the woman believes they’ll be married “in a year or two,” but that the men don’t think they’ll ever marry.  A woman may get tired of waiting for “next year” that never comes and decide to have his baby to get him to marry her.

Having a man’s baby doesn’t make a man love her enough to marry her.  When Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah instead of Rachel, Leah thought that giving him a son would make Jacob love her:

And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years. And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.  Genesis 29:30-35

It took three sons, but Leah finally realized that having Jacob’s babies wouldn’t make him love her.  Even Abraham, father of both Jews and Arabs and honored by both, didn’t marry all the women who had his babies:

But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country.  Genesis 25:6

Abraham got at least two women pregnant besides his wives.  Did he marry them?  No, he sent them away.

Giving her Child a Father

Men don’t really understand where babies come from.  A man may have heard about birds and bees, but deep down in his heart, he’s awed and confused by pregnancy and birth.  Men say, “She got pregnant” – reproduction is so mysterious and so miraculous that men don’t really believe they have anything to do with it.

The pill puts a woman in control of getting pregnant because she can stop taking it without telling him.  She can have an abortion without asking him.  Given that he has no say whether a child is conceived or whether it lives or dies, why should a man care about a baby if it should happen to be born?  It’s hers – it was her idea, she chose to keep it, and she had it last.  What has the child to do with him?

Women have known about men’s reluctance to acknowledge children for generations.  Women used to build up social forces and customs promoting marriage and responsibility.  Now that the societal safety net has broken down, a woman has to demand that a man take responsibility by marrying her before she has sex.  It’s really simple – just say, “No, and I won’t marry you unless you have a job.”

Saving sex for marriage makes it easier for a man to trust her.  If she can resist him, the man she wants to marry, he won’t worry as much about her having other men’s children.  Once they’re married, if she encourages him to take her often (Song of Solomon 8:2-3), if she looks up and says, “That was wonderful, I like being yours.  Let’s do that again as soon as you can,” if she thanks him for his seed, he’ll know she’s his.

Insurance companies have known for decades that married men live longer than unmarried men.  Being without a woman is so bad for men that God arranged that most men die before their wives.  If she points out, “We could do that more often if you were in better shape,” she’ll give him a reason to exercise.  That will lengthen his life and shorten her widowhood.

His possessiveness benefits her.  It’s so broad, so all-encompassing, that once she’s his, everything about her belongs to him, including her children and her happiness.  He’ll find that making her happy makes him happy because her happiness belongs to him.  Spending money guiding the house makes her happy and spending money that way makes him happier than anything else.  That’s how God planned marriage to work; why would a man dedicate his life to nourishing and cherishing a woman who wasn’t his?

An Exception to the Rule

Experience shows that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who don’t.  “But,” you may ask, “What about Prince William and Catherine?  They’re obviously very much in love, and they lived together before they got married.”

For one thing, Catherine didn’t have his baby until after they were married.  If a woman stops taking pills and gets pregnant without her partner’s agreement, he’ll know she’s manipulating him.  Few men respond positively when women use sex for manipulation.

There are two other reasons why William wanted to marry Catherine.  First, we can see from the way she reacts when he touches her that she very much belongs to him.  She not only acknowledges his possessiveness, she supports it and upholds it.  She likes belonging to him.  That’s important to a man.

Her showing publicly that she belongs to him honors him before all men.  Proverbs 12:4 says, “A virtuous wife is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”  There is no shame that rots a man’s bones as badly as a woman who won’t belong to him.

Second, the documentary about their courtship said that shortly after they met, she found out that he felt trapped in his royal role.  He didn’t think he had much choice in what he’d be permitted to do.

She encouraged him to decide what he wanted to do and then do it.  After discussion, he decided he wanted to fly helicopters.  He took lessons and ended up flying rescue missions.  Doing something worthwhile that he enjoyed made him happy and rescuing people generates favorable publicity for the royal family.

Ever hear, “Behind every successful man, there’s a woman?”  Kate helped him figure out what he wanted to do and encouraged him to do it.  Gaining some understanding of the troubles his subjects get into will make him a better king.  Kate’s help is an example of what the Bible means in describing a virtuous woman:

She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness.  Proverbs 31:26

Kate proved that she was a sensible, loyal woman who’d help him do whatever he chose to do.  A woman can give a man a taste of the joys of heaven by belonging to him.  If she also helps him grow up into the best he can possibly be, she’ll be valued indeed.  Nothing straightens up a man like having a woman lean on him.

It’s no surprise William married Kate – his heart can safely trust in her because she does him good and not evil (Pro 31:12).  Given her loyalty and her valuable help, the surprise would be if he hadn’t married her.

Wanting to Marry

Something draws men and women together in spite of all the hurt they inflict on each other.  What drives a man to pursue a specific woman?  Some Enchanted Evening put it, “Fools will give you reasons; wise men never try.”  Many American valentines have pictures of a naked kid with wings and an archery set.  This represents Cupid whom the Greeks invented to explain the inexplicable.  When Cupid’s arrow plinks a man, he falls madly in love with the next woman he sees and nobody can explain it, not even him.

Women agree that men are clueless about women.  Therefore, every woman should think about how a man might decide to marry her.  It’s simple.  If he can have her without marrying her, she’s a bad girl and he shouldn’t marry her.  If she won’t unless he marries her and she won’t marry unless he gets a job to support her, she’s a good girl and he’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough.

Making him wait for sex gives him time to learn the many non-physical gifts God gave her and gives her time to find out if he’ll enjoy opening his heart to her in talk.  She values his opening his heart to her when he’s not in the mood to talk as much as he values her opening her body to him when she isn’t in the mood for that.

The only way two people can be “no more twain” as Jesus commanded (Mt. 19:6) is for each of them to die to their former individual selves in favor of serving the other.  The marriage has a much stronger foundation if he finds reasons to marry her besides sex and if he learns that he can safely trust his heart in her (Pr. 31:11) before committing himself.

To paraphrase George Bernard Shaw, “Love is the conviction that one woman is different from all the rest.”  The husband in the Song of Solomon speaks of his wife as “but one (Song 6:9),” he knows she’s unique.  The Proverbs 31:18-19 husband teaches his children that his wife is better than all the other wives in the world.

Boaz explained why Ruth was unique – “all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman (Ruth 3:10)”.  Boaz trusted Ruth because she wasn’t sleeping around.  Ruth took care of her mother-in-law instead of abandoning her as most widows would have, so he knew she’d take care of him.  He saw her work hard all through the harvest and took care of her by offering her food, water, and protection (Ru. 2:9, 14).  Ruth was a loyal, God-fearing, hardworking, virtuous woman who wanted to marry him.  What’s not to like?

In older novels where marriage was a side issue instead of the main plot, a woman responded to a man’s proposal by saying, “Yes, I will make you happy.” A young lady who had been taught what men expected indicated her willingness to do it in that manner. Nowadays, neither party knows what to expect which is why so many marriages fail.

What about A?

A isn't looking for a husband.  If she waits until her thirties to consider marriage, most men who’re inclined to marry will already be married, some for the 2^nd or 3^rd time.  Any remaining marriage-minded men will be put off by her sexual history.  She hasn’t tried to be unique – A treats men like interchangeable sexual appliances and acts like an interchangeable sexual appliance herself.  Her history of treating sex as meaningless recreation will make it hard for her to see her husband’s drive to bed her as a compliment – she’s likely to see it as oppression and turn him away when she’s not in the mood.

God limited a man’s sexual capacity.  If a wife absorbs all the sexual energy her husband can generate, it will be hard for other women to get his attention.  If, on the other hand, she sends him off to work with his shirt soaked in gasoline, he’ll be tempted to get too near a fire and they’ll both be burned (Pr. 6:27-28).

A man’s desire not to raise other men’s children has been bred into him since God invented natural selection.  How can any man trust her not to take up with someone who’s better in bed and breed him out of the gene pool?  Unless she decides to imitate Kate and prove her virtue by putting her energies into helping a man with his career instead of advancing her own, she’ll have a hard time finding a man who’s worth marrying.

Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him.  A’s given herself to so many man that it will be hard for any man to think of her as God’s gift to him.

Instead of positioning herself as the treasure God intended her to be, she’s turned herself into a toy.

Hope for A

All is not lost for A.  Salvation promises that “all things are become new.”  Jesus told the woman taken in adultery, “Go thou and sin no more.”  True repentance means seeing the sin the same way God sees it and stopping.  God gave women who’ve committed sexual sins a way to be clean:

And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.  Hebrews 9:22

If a woman repents of her sexual sins, the blood of her next cycle purifies her.  The emotional damage will take time to heal, of course, but confession and stopping cleanse her.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  I John 1:9

It will take time for a reformed A to convince a man that she’s ready to be loyal and faithful to him, but if she’s truly saved, the difference between the old A and the new A will be visible to all, including prospective husbands.