Marriage and Salvation use the same Plan

The first chapter of the book of Genesis tells us:

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.  Genesis 1:3

If we read further, we find “and God said, … and it was so,” over and over.  This not only teaches us that God created everything in the entire universe, including you, your spouse-to-be, and me, the Bible also states that if God said it’s so, it’s so.

Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth.  John 17:17

God’s word is truth.  God gave us His Word so that we’d know what He expects us to believe concerning Him and what we’re supposed to do.  That’s another way of saying what’s in many statements of faith, “the Bible is authoritative for faith and practice.”  God tells us what to believe and He tells us what to do.

Consider what God says about what He’s done:

The works of the LORD are great, sought out of all them that have pleasure therein.  The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever.  Psalm 111:2, 10

God’s people should take pleasure in God’s works.  We should enjoy watching what He does for us.  Having a proper awe and respect for God is the beginning of wisdom.  If we have a good understanding, we’ll do what He commands, but it works the other way, too.  If we do what God commands, we’ll come to a good understanding when we look back and see how obeying His commands blessed us.  Let’s look at how we’re told to approach God’s Word:

Whoso is wise, and will observe these things, even they shall understand the lovingkindness of the LORD.  Psalm 107:43

God says that if you’re wise, if you’ll observe “these things,” then you’ll understand just how kind God is and how well He takes care of us.  If you read Psalm 107, you’ll find that it says three times

Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!  Psalm 107:8, 15, 21

If you are wise, if you praise the Lord for His goodness, you will understand His kindness to you.

God’s most wonderful work to the children of men, of course, is salvation.  Salvation requires that we confess our sins, ask Jesus to forgive our sins, and be born again.  Being saved requires that we die to our former lives so that we can be married to Christ:

Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.  For when we were in the flesh, the motions of sins, which were by the law, did work in our members to bring forth fruit unto death.  But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter.  Romans 7:4-6

To be born again into Christ, we have to die to ourselves and be married to Christ; we must die to ourselves in order to be “one flesh” in marriage.  There are many parallels between salvation and marriage:

·         Salvation and marriage are both undeserved gifts of God’s grace.  Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves the blessings of marriage.  A man is not worthy of his wife’s submission, obedience, or her calling him “Lord,” that’s a gift of God’s grace to him.  A woman is not worthy of her husband’s giving his life to nourish and cherish her, that’s God’s undeserved gift to her.

·         Salvation and marriage both show the grace of God to the lost.  We’re required to “give an answer” (I Pe. 3:15) when people ask why we live as we do.  Our greatest opportunity to show we’re different from the lost is how we treat our spouses.  When the lost see a wife giving her husband undeserved grace or a husband giving his wife undeserved grace, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.

·         Salvation is based on a personal relationship with Christ Jesus.  Marriage is based on a personal relationship between husband and wife.  If your relationship with Christ is messed up, you can’t have a proper relationship with your spouse.  If your relationship with Christ is based on true, saving faith, your relationship with your spouse will be based on God’s formula (Eph. 2:10).

·         John 3:16 gives all you must know to be saved.  Genesis 24:67 gives all you must know for a successful marriage, but teaching helps.  We labor to prepare children for Good Colleges but don’t teach godly marriage.  Not teaching marriage is like giving them keys without training and expecting them to drive without getting hurt.  As with salvation, “discipleship” is essential for successful marriage.

·         Salvation prepares us for the joys of living forever with Jesus and serving Him in heaven.  As God planned it, marriage should give both husband and wife a foretaste of the joys of heaven, right here on earth.

·         Once we’re saved, we become one with Christ.  Once married, husband and wife should become one flesh (Mt. 19:6, Mk. 10:8).  We can’t become one in Christ without dying to our former life.  Husband and wife can’t become one in each other without dying to self in favor of serving the other.

·         Saved people should glorify God in all that they do; glorifying God helps us become his ambassadors (II Corinthians 5:20).  Married people should glorify God in all that they do together.

·         Some people give money to the church to pay God for favors.  A “cheerful giver” gives to God out of love and not to get from Him.  The Song of Solomon shows a husband and wife giving to each other out of love and not in hope of getting from the other.  Works-based salvation is idolatry; works-based marriage is whoredom.  Works-based “salvation” takes you to hell; works-based marriage makes life hell on earth.

·         When we find people whose lives are being destroyed by sin, we give the gospel so that they can be saved and show the grace of God in their new walk with Christ.  When we find marriages being destroyed by sin, we’re supposed to “give an answer” so that these marriages can show the grace of God to the lost.

·         Salvation supports marriage; knowing we belong to Christ (I Co. 6:19) makes it easier to belong to our spouses.  If a woman belongs to Christ, it’s easier to accept God giving her to her husband (Lk. 17:27).  If a man knows that Christ gave His life for him, it’s easier for him to give his life for his wife (Eph. 5:25).

·         Marriage supports salvation.  As husband and wife appreciate and praise one another, and share God’s grace by forgiving each other, their marriage reminds them both to praise and appreciate God (Ps. 100).

·         Rejoicing in the Lord reminds us to rejoice in marriage and vice versa (Ecc. 9:9, Phi 4:4).  Ecc. 9:9 says, “Rejoice with the wife whom thou lovest…”  Joy in marriage must be shared.

·         Salvation is two words, “only believe.”  Satan confuses people into thinking it’s belief plus works or church or whatever so people miss salvation and go to hell.  Marriage is two words, “only praise,” but many people think they should change their spouses instead of letting the Holy Spirit bring change.  When people usurp the Holy Spirit’s role in their marriage, they usually miss the joys of marriage and may create hell on earth.

·         Salvation doesn’t just take us to heaven; we have duties to do for Christ in this life.  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them (Eph 2:10).

·         Marriage doesn’t just give us companionship; we have duties to our spouses which God commands us to fulfill.  Husbands must show agapao to wives (Eph. 5:25-26), wives must reverence husbands (Eph. 5:33).  Agapao and reverence are not products of emotion; they are acts of will which we must decide to do.

·         Once Jesus’ blood washes away our sins, God sees us as perfect (I Co 6:11).  As Christians, we’re to follow after God (Eph. 5:1) and see each other as perfect.  Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s good and perfect gift to him.

·         The only way a man can see his sinful wife as perfect is for him to see her through the grace God gave him in saving him.  The only way a wife can see her sinful husband as perfect is for her to see him through the grace God gave her.  When lost people see couples giving God’s grace to each other, they want God’s grace for themselves.  That’s how our lights shine before men (Mt. 5:16).

·         When we give the gospel, we may hear, “God can’t save me, my sins are too great.”  When we give the plan of marriage, we often hear, “God can’t save my marriage, it’s too far gone.”  These thoughts are based on pride – how can anyone think their sin is more powerful than the God who created the universe?

·         People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Salvation spend eternity in hell.  People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Marriage can create their very own hell right here on earth.  Marriage can either give a foretaste of the joys of heaven, or it can administer a foretaste of the punishment of the damned.

·         Once we’re saved, our love for Christ constrains us to serve Him (II Cor. 5:14, Eph 2:10, Phi. 2:4).  Once we’re married, our love for each other should constrain us to serve each other.  God wants us to serve our spouses; we serve God by serving each other.

·         Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;” (Mt 11:29).  When a woman marries, she takes upon herself the yoke of pleasing her husband (Ge. 3:16).  The only way she can rest (Ru. 1:9) in being sure she’ll please him is to spend enough time talking to him that she knows he’ll be pleased with what she does.

·         Jesus said, “for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Mt. 11:29)  A man must be meek towards his wife; must lead her by serving her (Mk. 10:42-45, see also Mk. 9:35).  He must talk to her a great deal in order to understand her needs well enough to lead her for her benefit.

·         God’s salvation covenant is forever; once saved, always saved (John 10:28).  God’s marriage covenant ends at death (Romans 7:1-3, the book of Ruth).

God knew we’d have enough trouble following His plan of salvation.  We couldn’t possibly handle two plans; He made the same plan work for both marriage and salvation.  If you’re truly saved, if you relate to God as He desires, your marriage relationship works because you’ll serve God by serving each other.

The relationship between husband and wife is based on their relationships to God. 

And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation;  II Corinthians 5:18

Having been reconciled to God, we should be able to minister reconciliation to each other.  If husband and wife each reconcile themselves to God and relate to God by honoring, praising, loving, and obeying Him, they’ll relate properly to each other by honoring, praising, loving and appreciating each other.  Their marriage can not only prosper, they will show the grace of salvation to the lost.

And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.  II Corinthians 5:15

Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.  II Corinthians 4:10

As lost people see Christians giving God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.  If either party messes up their relationship with God, on the other hand, their testimony is damaged and the marriage seldom works well even if they both know how marriage should work.

This book explores what God says about marriage so that you can help heal the broken marriages you’ll encounter.  God ordains marriage; a damaged marriage means that someone isn’t following God.

Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: Psalm 127:1

No matter how hopeless the situation seems, God promises a way out, but we have to ask:

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.  I Corinthians 10:13

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.  James 1:5

Theology and Bibliology

As we explore what the Word of God says about marriage, our view of God and of the Bible determines whether we’ll do what the Bible says.  Salvation is a transforming force – all things become new.  Part of our new life in Christ is working out our salvation, which means understanding what God tells us about how to live.

God wants to bless His people, listen to His frustration when He can’t:

O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever!  Deuteronomy 5:29

God’s love makes Him want to bless us, but His holiness demands that He can’t bless us unless we obey.

Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.  And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.  Matthew 7:24-27

You’ve probably sung the song about the foolish man who built his house upon the sand.  Most people build their marriages on the sand of man’s ideas.  You know that doesn’t work; God says it won’t work:

There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.  Proverbs 14:12

There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.  Proverbs 16:25

Hosea 4:6 says, “My people are destroyed for want of knowledge.”  Marriages fail when men and women don’t know God’s plan for marriage.  Few Christians know what God says about marriage because they aren’t taught.  We older Christians are told to teach.  We answer to God for what we teach; those who hear answer to God for what they do with what we teach.  Will we do what God says or will we not?  Christians trust God for salvation.  If we trust Him with our souls, why won’t we trust Him with our marriages?

God made us; He understands how our minds work.  God knew what we could reason and He knew what our reasoning would not give us.  The Bible doesn’t tell us to eat when we’re hungry; God knew we’d figure that out.  It doesn’t say how to build cars; God knew we’d figure that out.  It gives us utterly unreasonable commands like love our enemies, rejoice in trials, and, worst of all, submit to each other:

Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder.  Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.  I Peter 5:5

You mean God expects us to submit to other members of the church?  Yes, He does.

Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth.  I Corinthians 10:24

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4

Be honest.  Would any human ever have thought of those principles?  Dying to self in unselfishness seems silly to a lost person.  Similarly, a lot of what God says about marriage doesn’t seem to make sense, but it works.  The question is, will you try it?  Will you remember it, and do it?  And will you pass it on?

Bible Truths of Marriage

We’re going to consider some Bible Truths that will have profound effect on your lives whether you accept them or not.  We won’t go into depth yet; the purpose is to give you an outline of where we’re going.

As a girl becomes a woman, how she relates to men is a major factor that determines how her life works out.  If she deals with men as God commands, her life can be blessed indeed.  Many women mess up their relationships with men; they often die inside and you can see death in their eyes.  God expects men and women to interact through His covenant of marriage:

Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.  Malachi 2:14

The people asked Malachi why God was angry.  The prophet explained that God was angry because the men were not treasuring their wives as God commanded.  This warning is repeated in the New Testament:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7

Men, if you don’t nourish your wives as God commands, your prayers bounce off the ceiling.

In speaking to the men, Malachi said, “wife of thy covenant.”  The marriage covenant belongs to the husband; he’s the stronger party as the wife is the weaker vessel.  When God, the stronger, offered His covenant to Abraham, Abraham, as the weaker party, gave up his animals to provide the blood which sealed God’s covenant with him (Gen 15:9-21).  When a man offers his marriage covenant to a woman, she, as the weaker party, gives up her innocence to provide the blood to seal her husband’s marriage covenant with her.

Marriage covenants involve a vow; God is a party to that vow.  Malachi said, “The LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth.”  God said, “I heard you vow to your wives and to Me.  You are accountable for breaking promises made before Me and to Me.”  What does God say about vows made to Him?

When thou shalt vow a vow unto the LORD thy God, thou shalt not slack to pay it: for the LORD thy God will surely require it of thee; and it would be sin in thee.  Deuteronomy 23:21

God taught His people that they’d better keep vows made to Him.  These men had vowed fidelity to their wives and had not kept those vows, that’s what “dealt treacherously” means.

It’s no different today.  Pastors say, “Dearly beloved, we are gathered in the sight of God to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.”  This isn’t caffeine-free, low-calorie, low-carb diet matrimony like lost people do, this is the real deal, this is holy matrimony, it’s a covenant ordained of God.

“Holy” means “set apart for God’s purposes.”  Have you ever heard any conditions in Christian marriage vows?  Any escape clauses?  No, it’s an unconditional vow “’til death us do part,” no matter what the other party does.  God is a witness to our vow and God is party to our vow, He sets the terms and conditions:

Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.  Romans 7:1-3

As we must die to our former lives to be married to Christ, God’s marriage covenants end only in death.

God tells us His purpose in ordaining His holy marriage covenants:

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.  Psalm 127:3

And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.  Malachi 2:15

God ordained marriage to provide a safe place where the children He gives could grow up to serve Him.  God’s plan for getting more servants is for a) the servants He has to have children, and b) His servants win the lost by showing them His love, justice, and grace.

The next section discusses marriage to teach young people to receive the joys God intended for marriage.  After that, we’ll explain how you can help people whose marriages are in trouble.  If you can heal a hurting marriage, you not only help the couple receive the grace of marriage, you’ll heal their testimony to their friends, and you’ll also help their children find salvation.  It’s hard for a girl to believe that God treasurers her unless her father treasures her mother; it’s hard for a boy to treasure his wife unless he sees his father treasure his mother.

Brethren, if any of you do err from the truth, and one convert him; Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins.  James 5:19-20

Key Verses about Men and Women

You need to know what men and women are all about.  If an engineer builds a bridge based on wrong ideas about cement or steel, the bridge usually falls.  When men and women get together based on their own ideas rather than on the Word of God, the marriage falls.  These verses give key facts about men and women; you’d better understand them fully:

Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.  Psalm 127:1

God expects husband and wife to become one and belong to each other:

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 19:6

My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 2:16

I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 6:3

A man knows what it means for his wife to belong to him, but few men know what it means for a man to belong to his wife.  Women don’t know how to belong to men; older women are commanded to instruct them (Tit. 2:3-4).  Hosea 4:6 says, “My people are destroyed for want of knowledge.”

When you explain God’s Simple Plan of Marriage to a troubled couple, be prepared for, “She doesn’t deserve my life” or “He’s not worth my submission, how can I call him ‘Lord’?”  Of course not!  Nobody deserves salvation, nobody deserves marriage, they’re both undeserved gifts of God’s grace.

Verses about Women

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9

Men know from an early age that women are made for them.  You watch a 2 or 3 year old boy, he’ll try to rule his mother and sisters.  Unless his father teaches him to honor women, a young man who’s living in the flesh will treat the women around him as his servants.

There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:34

A wife wants to please her husband.  Being made for him, she probably understands him better than he understands her, and she’ll yearn to please him.  The Bible tells how God made women for men:

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16

Women should try hard to understand this verse.  First, God multiplied sorrow by giving most women stronger, more sensitive emotions than men have.  This makes it easy for a man to hurt his wife’s feelings, but it also makes her more sensitive to his wants so that she can please him more easily.

God also said that a woman would desire her husband and that her husband would rule her.  How did God do this?  What’s the difference between a woman’s husband and any other men in her life?  If she’s a virtuous woman, her husband is the only man who makes love to her.  When a man enters his wife’s body, he marks her as his own.  This reminds her that he is the man she desires and that he is the man who rules her.  This makes her more sensitive to him, makes her feel dependent on him, and reminds her to humble herself to him.

God wants children to have fathers.  It helps children have fathers if a woman clings to the man who takes her.  It also helps guide the house.  When he’s around, making love makes her feel dependent so she can follow him.  When he’s gone, her independence comes back, and she runs the house.  What happens when he gets back?  He makes love to her, she feels dependent again, and he’s back in charge.

Making love also makes her more sensitive to him.  What happens if she doesn’t know that he’s pleased with her or if she thinks that he isn’t pleased with her?  She becomes more sensitive each time they make love, but if he isn’t pleased with her, making love makes her see his unhappiness more clearly and reminds her that she can’t please him.  This makes her unhappy, and she won’t want to make love.

If she knows he’s pleased with her, making love reminds her of her success in making him happy.  She likes being reminded that he’s happy with her.  The key is for a husband to talk with his wife in enough detail that she’s certain he’s happy with her.  His happiness with her makes her happy to belong to him.  His heart attitude toward her makes the difference (Luke 6:45); she knows that from what he says to her and about her.

Got not only made women want very much to please men, He also gave them a desire for children:

… There are three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things say not, It is enough: The grave; and the barren womb; the earth that is not filled with water; and the fire that saith not, It is enough.  Proverbs 30:15-16

Women associate lovemaking with having babies.  A wife thinks her child is the most precious gift she can possibly give her husband.  Many a girl thinks her boyfriend will marry her if she has his child even though Abraham, who was a friend of God, didn’t marry all the women who had his children (Gen. 25:6).  If a wife wants a baby and submits to her husband by taking birth control, she’ll feel him reject her child every time they make love.  Will feeling rejected make her enjoy belonging to him (Pro 13:12)?

God made your wife to multiply what you give her; He won’t let her start a baby without you.  You give one tiny cell.  She gathers your strength unto herself and knits a baby with billions of cells.  Every one of her baby’s cells has your pattern in it; her child is born in your image (Gen. 5:3).

A woman is a mirror, not a light.  If you give her love or appreciation, she multiplies your love and fills the house with love and light.  If you give her anger or criticism, she multiplies that.  You reap what you sow to your wife, right away.  She can’t make you any happier than you make her.  How happy do you want to be?

She takes what you give and multiplies it.  Whatever she makes – love, criticism, happiness, anger – has your pattern all the way through.  Whatever you do to her, you do to Christ Himself (Matthew 25:40).

Your wife lives on the love you give her; your love keeps her going.  When I hug my wife, our children and grandchildren come running to get in on the hug.  Why do they want in?  I love them, but they get a mother’s love from mommy.  Kids know that mommy gets the love she gives them from daddy.  When her batteries run low and they see me pouring fresh love into her, they run to get my love from both of us at the same time.

The Bible also explains one of many reasons God gave women a drive to talk:

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18

No married man need be alone because his wife yearns to talk with him.  My wife has been talking to me since March of 1971; we’ve been making love since August 21, 1971.  As we’ve gotten older, God has reduced my ability to take her.  Since age 50 or 55, I’ve been shootin’ pool with a rope.  This is frustrating; I desire her as much as ever but I’m simply not able to take her as often as I used to.  God has not diminished her ability to talk.  As she gets older, it seems that she has more to say.  This suggests that my talking to her is more important to God than my taking her.

A wife is a gift from God.  Like all gifts, a wife is to be treated according to God’s rules:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.  Song of Solomon 4:7

A prudent wife is from the LORD.  Proverbs 19:14

God expects you to treat your wife as a good, holy, perfect, and unique gift from Him:

That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  Ephesians 5:27-28

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  Proverbs 31:11

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  Ephesians 5:28

The woman is the glory of the man.  I Corinthians 11:7b

Here’s a case where the man didn’t treat the woman as his unique, special treasure from God:

And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me?  Judges 16:15a

Samson told her he loved her but he didn’t open his heart to her.  He wasn’t hers.  He said he loved her, he took her, but he wasn’t hers, he betrayed her. Having taken her, he scorned her by not opening his heart to her.  There’s a saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”  We all know what she did after he scorned her.

There are songs about “stand by your man.”  Would Delilah have betrayed Samson if he’d been hers?  He took her, she opened her body to him, but he wouldn’t open his heart to her.  She betrayed him, but he started it.  Since he wasn’t hers, what was she worth to him?  She might as well score a few bucks by selling him.

You’re supposed to pay the bills.  Isaac supplied the tent where Rebekah would live.  If your offer to a woman doesn’t include housing, it’s not biblical:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.  I Timothy 5:8

Isaac had to love her before she could comfort him.  God made women to bless men, but if a man doesn’t take proper care of his wife, she’ll find it very hard to bless him.  Women know they’re supposed to be taken care of.  Many have been deceived by talk of “liberation,” many have been told they ought to have careers instead of children, but God wants women to be keepers at home as He wants men to pay the bills:

I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.  I Timothy 5:14

Guiding a house is an immense amount of work; God expects a husband to appreciate his wife’s labors:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.  Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29

Some say that a wife shouldn’t need praise or respect from her husband and that she should look to God for appreciation and help.  A woman should rely on the Lord, but men must understand God’s hierarchy:

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.  I Corinthians 11:3

God is Christ’s head; when we look towards God, we see Christ.  That’s all right - Christ obeyed His father so well and takes such good care of the people God gives Him that when we see Christ, we see the Father.

Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Shew us the Father?  John 14:9

The way God arranged a woman’s nature, when a married woman looks toward God, she sees her husband, then Christ, then God.  Jesus reflects God perfectly, so we see God when we look towards Him.  A husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25); when a wife sees her husband, she should see the image of Christ reflected in her husband’s love for her.  As Christ appreciates, loves, and nourishes the people God gives Him, a husband should appreciate, love, and nourish the wife God gives him.  It’s hard for a wife to feel God’s love unless she feels her husbands love.

Although a man supposed to lead his wife, it’s important that he do it God’s way:

Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.  Romans 14:5b

for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.  Romans 14:23b

Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men;  II Corinthians 5:11a

Yet for love’s sake I rather beseech thee,  Philemon 1:9a

If a man commands his wife instead of persuading her, she isn’t obeying through faith, and he’s driving her to sin.  Jesus told men to lead families and churches by serving, not by commanding:

If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all  Mark 9:35

But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them.  But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.  Mark 10:42-45

Jesus came to earth to serve.  Women generally minister to their families as Christ ministers to His people.  If a man gets a bonus at work, does he buy what he wants or something she wants?  Does he lead by commanding or by serving?  The Bible teaches that whatever a man does to his wife, he does to Christ:

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.  Matthew 25:40

If he fusses at his wife, or treats her harshly, he treats Jesus harshly.  If he honors his wife, if he praises, appreciates, and glorifies her, he praises, honors, and glorifies our Lord Jesus Christ.  A wife knows that what any man says about her shows his heart:

A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.  Luke 6:45

Women are sensitive to what men say about them.  Words show the heart and words also affect the heart.  The army teaches soldiers to say, “Yes sir!”  Saying, “Yes sir!” works on the heart and usually makes the man willing to obey.  Thinking about how his wife benefits him, thanking God for giving her to him, and thanking her for being his works on his heart and makes him appreciate her more.  This makes them both happy.

God treats His people as if we were perfect.  As Christ treats His people as perfect, you should treat your wife as perfect.  This means telling her she’s perfect for you and thanking her and thanking God for giving her to you, this helps her know you’re pleased with her.  Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.

Verses about Men

The Bible teaches that men are incredibly possessive:

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  Genesis 2:22-23

Adam said Eve belonged to him, she was part of him.  Did Adam ask Eve what she wanted to be called or did he just name her?  Have men changed since Adam?  Men don’t generally marry to talk or to have babies.  A man talks during courtship because that’s all he’s permitted to do; he marries so that he can make love:

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19

The wife in the Song of Solomon understands her husband’s desire for her and knows how to encourage it:

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Song of Solomon 7:10

I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.  His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:2-3

Making love expresses a man’s possessiveness:

Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.  Psalm 19:5

This man has just taken his bride to wife.  How does he feel?  He feels strong, he feels like superman, he’s ready to leap tall buildings at a single bound.  His wife feels humbled (Deu 21:14, Eze 22:11), his seed in her marks her as his own.  This reminds her how much she cares about pleasing him.  It’s important to let God choose your husband.  You can’t tell what he’s really like, but God knows him better than he knows himself.  God loves you as much as God loves him.  If you let God choose your husband, He’ll give you to a man who appreciates you.  If your husband is pleased by the way God made you so that you don’t have to act like someone else all the time, you’ll be a lot happier.  Remember what Naomi wished for her daughters:

The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband.  Ruth 1:9a

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  Matt. 11:28-29

This isn’t physical rest; Ruth 2:7 tells us that Ruth worked hard.  Its rest in knowing that your husband is pleased with you.  If you’re completely certain that he’s pleased with you enough to belong to you, you’ll have the emotional strength you need to comfort him.  Your comforting him makes him even more pleased with you.

God promises that your husband desires to please you:

But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.  I Corinthians 7:32-33

Most men are pretty clueless about women.  Your husband wants to please you, but he won’t know how.  The only way he can learn is for you to tell him, but you must be careful how you talk to him:

Death and life are in the power of the tongue:  Proverbs 18:21a

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Proverbs 12:18

If your tongue is a sword to your husband, is he going to want to hear what you have to say?  Even if your words are always health, you may have to remind him that God says it’s OK for him to open his heart to you:

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.  Proverbs 31:10

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  Proverbs 31:11

Conduct Before Marriage

A great deal of success in marriage depends on what you do before marriage.

It is good for a man not to touch a woman.  I Corinthians 7:1b

The word “touch” includes the meaning of “kindle,” or “set on fire”.  God advises men not to touch women in a possessive way; touching a woman can kindle her desire to belong to him and lead both of them into sin.  It’s just as important that a woman not let herself be touched.  God tells men how to think about women:

The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.  I Timothy 5:1-2

Would a man try to turn his sister on?  Would a girl dress to make her brother come after her?  Why do ladies make it hard for men to treat them as sisters?  Even the lost know it’s wrong for a man to desire sex with his sister.  You’re supposed to control your feelings for each other until after you’re married:

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23

It’s important not to let your heart get involved with another person until you’re ready to marry.  If you date someone and fall in love before you are able to marry, there are only three possible outcomes:

1) You break up.  This is painful; the injury to your heart makes it hard for you to give yourself freely when you marry.  Breaking up is hard to do, but it gets easier with practice and sets you up for divorce.

2) You marry too young; this brings all kinds of problems.

3) You fall into sexual sin.

There’s no gain to falling in love when you can’t marry.  It’s a form of emotional fornication which can be as damaging as physical fornication.  With all the sexual drama on TV, why is there so much sexual dysfunction?  Reader’s Digest, or Good Housekeeping, and other “family” magazines have articles about problems with sex.  Many young couples find themselves with no desire for each other at all.

That’s not what God had in mind; the Song of Solomon teaches that God expects couples to make love often.  Why do so many couples lose desire?  This is new, there were hardly any such problems 20 years ago.  The answer is simple.  Most couples whose desire died had sex before marriage.  God gave sex as a powerful tool to be used as He commanded, that is, within marriage.  Fornicators fall under this verse:

And he gave them their request, but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15

When people seek short-term pleasure in fornication, God gives them their desire but brings leanness into their souls by making it difficult for them to enjoy each other after they marry.  Forbidden sex damages the God-designed one-flesh relationship by destroying trust in each other even if they marry.  He took her without marriage; he’s a thief who took that which wasn’t his.  He failed to protect her from his passions or from her passions, how can she trust him to protect her?  She gave herself without marriage, how can he trust her with someone else?  How does she know he won’t take someone else?

The purity of marriage is important to God; under Old Testament law, a woman could be put to death if she could not show the blood she’d shed when her husband took her to wife:

But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die:  Deuteronomy 22:20

Fornication messes you up so that you can’t enjoy your spouse unless you repent.  God tells you to confess to each other (Jas. 5:16); I’ve seen marriages be healed as God promises.  Unfortunately, most men follow Adam and blame their wives for this sin and for nearly everything else that goes wrong.  When Adam blamed his wife instead of confessing, the entire creation groaned and travailed with pain (Romans 8:22).  When a man blames his wife for his sins instead of confessing, his relationship with her groans and travails with pain.

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.  James 4:10

Is humility too much for God to ask?  It was for Adam; we know how his pride worked out.