Husbands Leading Wives in Exploring God's Plan for Marriage

The Christian divorce rate is the same as among the lost even though Mal. 2:14-16 says that God hates divorce.  Lost people see that we can’t handle this life, why should they care what we say about the life to come?  Christians should show Christ by the way we live; divorce wrecks our testimony and dishonors Christ.

Divorce often comes about through ignorance.  If a man hasn’t learned how to sanctify, nourish, and cherish his wife, he won’t know how to make her feel safe enough to open her body to him.  If his wife won’t open herself to him, a husband becomes very frustrated.  A frustrated man is unlikely to open his heart to his wife.  If her husband won’t open his heart to her, a wife becomes extremely frustrated, and so it goes.

Modern Christians have forgotten how God designed marriage to work.  We base marriages on what men think; the divorce rate shows that humanistic ideas such as dating and the notion that men and women are the same or should be equal do not work.  The Bible teaches us to do things God’s way instead of our way:

There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.  Pro. 14:12

There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.  Proverbs 16:25

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.  Proverbs 3:5-6

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it.  Ephesians 5:29

This is a family devotional which explores what the Bible teaches husbands about nourishing and cherishing wives so that you can teach other men how to be blessed in marriage.  Like salvation, marriage is a way of life; many things become new for a married man.  To build up his marriage, a man must hear what God tells him about marriage and do it.  When a husband and wife explore these passages together, God’s word brings them into “one accord.”  Becoming one in mind with your wife prepares you to help other men and other families learn how to operate their marriages in God’s way.

When you offer the plan of salvation, many reject it.  When you try to teach other men how to find God’s blessing in marriage, many scorn what you say.  We’re supposed to pass on the grace God gave us (I Pe. 4:10).  As we find grace in our wives, we’re supposed to pass God’s grace on to others, even if some won’t hear it.  You can’t give the gospel without knowing Jesus’ works pretty well; you can’t help anyone with marriage issues unless you’re familiar with how God intended marriage to work.

Be careful to explain that there’s no shame in a man not knowing how to relate to his wife.  Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived; he was confused and frustrated by women.  God wants love between husband and wife to be wonderful, listen to Solomon praising the wife of his youth:

Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.  How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices!  Song of Solomon 4:9-10

In his youth, Solomon belonged to his wife; his affections were on her alone:

There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number.  My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her.  The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song 6:8-9

This wife was “but one” to him, he possessed her in honor and sanctification.  I don’t believe that he even saw other women.  He later forgot the lessons of his youth and lost all the joy of marriage:

Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28

Solomon found joy with the wife of his youth.  In his old age, he was bitterly disappointed in women, even though he had a thousand.  Why?  What went wrong?  Solomon knew it should have been good:

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not:  The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.  Proverbs 30:18-19

Solomon knew he should have been able to rejoice in marriage, but he mourned, “a woman among all those have I not found.”  Why?  I’ve asked many men, “Why was his soul vexed and empty when he had so many women?”  They usually say, “Well, women are unmanageable,” few see that the fault might lie with Solomon.  Why was Solomon, the wisest and richest man who ever lived, so frustrated?  What didn’t he know?

Solomon didn’t realize that he had to treat one woman as his only wife and belong to her.  He didn’t think of limiting himself to one wife and being hers even though Deuteronomy 17:17 told him not to “multiply wives.”

Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold.  Deuteronomy 17:17

And [Jesus] said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 19:5-6

Marriage is two people, not a mixed multitude as with Solomon or serial polygamy as Americans do today.  A woman hates belonging to a man who refuses to belong to her.  It can make a woman so unhappy that you can see death in her eyes even in photographs.  Solomon had 1,000 very unhappy women running around the palace.   Having multiple wives made his soul empty, “which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not.”

He should have known the solution.  His own “Song of Solomon” teaches that a woman enjoys belonging to her husband and enjoys his desire for her if he belongs to her (Song 8:2-3).  He wrote it, but he didn’t know it.  He should have focused his attention on one woman and been hers.  Opening his heart to her and treating her as God’s perfect gift to him as he had valued the wife of his youth (Song 4:7-10, 6:9) would have brought him joy.

Belonging to a man is a heavy physical and emotional burden; a woman can’t handle the burden if a man isn’t hers.  Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her (Jud 6:15).  He wasn’t hers, what good was he to her (Song 2:16)?  Why not score a few bucks selling him to the Philistines?

Solomon didn’t belong to any of his wives, so they felt like toys, pets, or objects.  A man can drop a toy to play with another and the toy won’t mind, but women don’t appreciate that.  Solomon’s wives didn’t like belonging to him; that made him unhappy.  A man may be able to command a woman, but he can’t make her like it.  If she doesn’t like belonging to him, he’ll miss the joy and glory God intended that she add to his life.

A man can’t own his wife.  Deu. 21:10-14 says that if a man marries a woman slave, she’s no longer a slave (Gen. 16:3).  A wife is not property no matter what men may think.  Treating a woman slave as a wife meant that she couldn’t be sold, she wasn’t property, and he had to set her free if he didn’t want her any more.  Taking her changed what she was, set her apart, humbled her, and sanctified her in the eyes of God.

Wives are not property even though I Cor. 11:9 says that a woman is made for a man.  God made a woman to want to belong to a man and to give her life serving him and her family (Gen 3:16), but it won’t work unless he knows how to belong to her.  It’s his life for her life, or not at all.  Most men don’t know how to belong to their wives.  Solomon knew but he forgot, not belonging to any of his wives made him miserable.

Why address men?

We can address men directly instead of dealing with husbands and wives together because men are supposed to lead their families.  This goes back to how male and female were created:

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.  Genesis 2:15-17

The work translated “keep” means not only to take care of the garden but also to protect from harm.  God delegated authority for tending and protecting the garden to Adam and told him not to eat of a certain tree.  This occurred before Eve was formed out of Adam’s body.  As keeper of the garden, it was up to Adam to tell Eve God’s rules and to make sure that God’s commands were carried out.  Adam failed:

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.  Genesis 3:6

Adam was with her the whole time, why didn’t he remind her of God’s command?  Having sinned, Adam blamed Eve for his sin instead of confessing:

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.  Genesis 3:12

Some political writers say, “It isn’t the act, it’s the cover-up.”  When Samuel pointed out Saul’s sin in I Samuel 15:16-26, Saul blamed the people instead of confessing.  Saul lost his job as King as Adam lost his job keeping the garden.  Unlike Saul, David confessed when Nathan pointed out that he had murdered Uriah the Hittite in II Samuel 12:7-15.  David kept his position as king.  The blame falls on Adam:

For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.  I Timothy 2:13-14

Although Eve was “in the transgression,” the Bible blames Adam for the fall; he was not deceived:

Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:  Romans 5:12

Adam failed in his duty to keep the garden.  Gen 3:16 punishes Eve for not following God’s perfect leadership by placing her under her husband’s imperfect leadership.  Men are supposed to lead their families.

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.  I Corinthians 11:3

Ephesians 5:20-24 command Christians to submit “yourselves one to another” to promote harmony in the church, and tells wives to submit to their husbands.  This devotional focuses on men because they’re in charge.

There’s also an experiential reason for focusing on men.  The Bible teaches that we can explore the mind of God either through reading His Word or by studying His works:

But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee:  Job 12:7

God explained Himself to Job in chapters 40 and 41 by calling attention to His works, so we can learn by watching how He orders societies.  If a husband or wife accepts Christ, there is a possibility that the entire family will come to Christ over time.  Experience shows, however, that if a husband accepts first, his family is far more likely to follow than if the wife comes first.  Husbands tend to lead, even in unsaved homes.

We hope that men will take the lead in discussing these Biblical topics with their wives and with their children.  Exploring these passages will help any man learn about his wife to dwell with her according to knowledge.  A wife can be greatly frustrated when her husband won’t lead; this will help him lead.

That’s why this document is addressed mainly to men so they can discuss it with their wives.

How to Lead

Men may need hints on how to lead.  There are two fundamentally different management styles being discussed in the US today – top-down, hierarchical command and control versus consensus management.

A leader’s behavior has a powerful effect on the harmony, happiness, and efficiency of the workplace.  For decades, management books have argued that Japanese “consensus leadership” is a better way to run businesses than American “top-down” management.  When a decision is needed, a Japanese manager gets his people together for a series of meetings to explore alternatives.  Each person is supposed to generate as many suggestions as possible with no criticism allowed, and then they discuss them.  Exploring the advantages and disadvantages of each idea ensures that everyone understands both the constraints and the goal.  Once the decision is made, everyone knows how the decision affects his or her area, they know why it has to be that way, and they know what they have to do to implement it.  They can get started right away; they know the plan.

This requires a great deal of trust.  The manager has to believe that his people act in good faith and that they won’t spread details of their thoughts before the plans are ready for a wider audience.  A manager who doesn’t trust his people tends to lead by command instead of getting their agreement.

If subordinates resent the decision, they may be tempted to engage in “malicious obedience” by following orders even when they know it won’t work.  “Not my fault, that’s what I was told to do.”  Does this help?

When King Rehoboam inherited the kingdom from his father Solomon, I Kings 11-12 tells how the people asked him to cut their taxes.  His older advisers recommended that he treat the people gently; his young friends recommended that he raise taxes.  Instead of getting consensus, he followed the young men.  The people rebelled and stoned the head tax-collector to death instead of paying.  He blew it through bad leadership.

Although Japanese organizations make decisions more slowly than an American manager can, getting the team going after the decision is made takes longer in America.  The plan has to be explained after the decision, whereas the Japanese team starts right away because they all know the plan.  The time to start getting it done is about the same.  Experience shows that group discussion leads to better decisions because everyone knows something nobody else knows.  It leads to better implementations because people feel that their views were heard and they understand why it has to be that way.  There’s a lament in top-down organizations:

Ours not to reason why,
Ours but to comply

Does being told to do something when you don’t understand how it fits into the big picture frustrate you?  Don’t people do a better job if they know how their work serves the larger goal?  A manager who fails to use all possible input is a fool.  Let’s shift from the Big Picture of how businesses operate to look at small groups.

You’ve all had bosses; you know how poor leadership affects mood and morale.  Let’s consider some problems that happen in work teams when the boss isn’t leading properly:

the contentions of a co-worker are a continual dropping.

It’s better to dwell in a tiny cubicle than with a quarrelsome colleague in a prestigious office.

It’s better to dwell in the warehouse than with a contentious and angry office manager.

A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a hostile colleague are alike.

We’ve all had quarrelsome, angry co-workers who rain on our parade.  A large office may indicate prestige, but it can be difficult to share it with someone who’s always picking a fight with you.  Who wants to be anywhere near an angry office manager?  Don’t people hide when they know the boss has lost it?

When I worked at IBM, being quarrelsome or giving anyone a hard time was a wonderful way to get fired.  It usually turned out that quarrelsome people had issues with their direct manager or with his boss.  In those cases, IBM worked hard to get the boss to clean up his act because bad leadership has many costs beyond making people unhappy, employee turnover being but one.  Now let’s read those again from the Word of God:

the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.  Proverbs 19:13b

It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.  Pro. 21:9

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.  Proverbs 21:19

It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.  Proverbs 25:24

A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.  Proverbs 27:15

These passages are not criticisms of women; they’re warnings to men to lead properly!  The Bible teaches that women are made for men, the Bible teaches that wives seek to please their husbands, why is she contentious?  When we’re at work, we’re supposed to do our best as unto the Lord regardless of the boss:

Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.  I Peter 2:18

IBM found that a forward boss was extremely expensive because unhappy subordinates spent so much time being miserable that they couldn’t work effectively.  Husbands are supposed to lead, wives are supposed to follow.  Just as in a work situation, a wife’s unhappiness and contention is generally due to bad leadership from her husband.  Why should a man be froward toward his wife?  Shouldn’t he try to make it easy and pleasant for her to follow him?  That’s just good sense.  A man knows that God made his wife so that she can give him a taste of the joys of heaven, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her.

God held Adam accountable for bringing sin into the world; he didn’t lead his wife properly.  God holds a man accountable for how he leads his wife.  God holds her accountable for how she responds to his leadership.

God warns that a man’s prayers are hindered unless he knows his wife and acts on knowledge of her:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7

“according to knowledge” doesn’t mean “obey,” it means learn about her and take it into consideration.  That’s another way to describe “consensus management” – it’s based on knowing what your people can do and how decisions affect them, and getting them involved in working out plans for the future.

If a man doesn’t do that, his prayers may bounce off the ceiling.  Many men are praying for our nation.  If they aren't dwelling with their wives as God commands, however, their prayers are hindered.  Obeying or not obeying this passage may affect the future of our land.  That’s another reason to start with men.

God commands knowing for a reason.  An older woman once told my wife how her husband rebuilt her kitchen while she was in the hospital giving birth.  When she got home with her newborn, her treasured wood stove had been replaced by a modern electric stove.  She was furious.  That was the last straw; she initiated a divorce.  She was still so upset 20 years later that it was the first thing she told my wife the day they met.

Her husband didn’t realize that in order to guide a house as the Bible commands, a woman must have a secure place in the house.  This woman had spent decades learning just where to put the wood in her stove to cook things just right.  To have to learn a totally new stove while caring for a newborn was too much.

This wasn’t the first time he’d rearranged her kitchen without consulting her.  She was a hard-core “off the grid” person who loved the old ways.  She cooked with wood stoves, she was a “woodie.”  He wanted everything modern.  He was convinced that his friends held him in contempt because his home was so old-fashioned.  He loved electricity; he was a “griddie.”  The more his house moved to the grid, the happier he was.

He dug up her root cellar, paved it over, and gave her an electric refrigerator which she hated.  Losing her wonderful stove when she was fighting depression from giving birth was the last straw.

Should a man buy an engagement ring he expects his wife to wear for the rest of her life without letting her choose one she likes or express preferences?  Should a man buy a vacation home or a travel trailer which she’ll have to clean without talking to her?  That depends on the woman, some love surprises, but he has to know.

What are Wives Like?

A manager has trouble using consensus management unless he trusts his people.  Similarly, a husband has trouble leading his wife by serving her if he doesn’t trust her.  That’s something you’ll have to address when you try to help a man fix his marriage.

There are two views of women: “last in creation, first in the fall” or “last at the cross, first at the tomb.”  You’ll recognize the attitudes.  The first blames women for the fall; men who believe that think that everything that goes wrong is a woman’s fault.  Adam blamed both Eve and God:

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.  Genesis 3:12

A man who blames women thinks he’d be OK if his wife didn’t lure him into sin.  The nicer she tries to be, the subtler he thinks Satan is and the harder he resists her.  A woman who marries such a man dies inside.  She yearns to please her husband and she can’t, her soul shrivels and you see death in her eyes.  But it’s a lie!

This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.  Genesis 5:1-2

For Adam was first formed, then Eve…  I Timothy 2:13

Eve wasn’t last in creation; they were created on the same day as one creature.  They stayed one creature while Adam named the animals.  God then separated Eve out of Adam’s body into her own form.

Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: … For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous.  Romans 5:12, 19

Eve didn’t cause the fall, “one man” did.  The fall came after they were separated into a man and a woman; Adam caused the fall through bad leadership.  The 1^st view of women is false.  The 2^nd view is Biblical, women were last at the cross and first at the tomb.  The Bible teaches that it’s OK for a man to trust a virtuous wife:

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  Proverbs 31:11

A man who has trouble believing that probably thinks that God’s a bully who’s just looking for chances to smack him.  God created him to be lonely and to want a woman so that the woman could ensnare him.  This view is often found in fundamentalism.  The other view is that God so loves us that it’s OK to sin and it’s OK not to obey Him because He understands.  It’s hard to balance God’s holiness with His love:

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  Ephesians 6:4

We need both, but nurture, that is, God’s love, comes first.  The Word of God is quite clear:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22

If a man won’t adopt a positive view of his wife, there’s very little anyone can do to improve his marriage.

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:  Proverbs 32:7a

If a man thinks ill of his wife, it comes out in his speech, in his body language, in his facial expressions, and in every way he communicates, particularly in the way he leads her.  Not being trusted or appreciated makes his wife unhappy, and an unhappy wife makes him cranky, just ask Solomon.  When you try to help a man fix his marriage, you start with his theology, that is, his view of God, and then with his view of his wife.

I Corinthians 7:34 promises, “she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.”  A man either believes the Bible and acts on that belief or he doesn’t.

Before we met, my wife and I both knew that I Corinthians 7:32-34 teaches that married people want to please each other.  I was surprised, however, to find out how much I enjoyed making her happy, and how much I liked it when she made me happy.  That’s one reason I wanted to marry her.

We thought we understood those verses, but we were wrong.  She found that giving herself to me greatly strengthened her desire to make me happy, and turned it into a need.  She was far more concerned with keeping me happy then she had been before.

It's pretty clear that wives care more about pleasing their husbands than husbands care about pleasing their wives.  Therefore, if a husband starts appreciating his wife and letting her know how she makes him happy, that will make her happy, and the marriage improves.

My beloved is mine, and I am his,  Song 2:16

Older women must instruct younger women how to love their husbands because they don’t naturally know how to do this.  Instruction about men in general works because men are pretty much alike; what pleased the older woman’s husband will please the younger woman’s.  Women are much less alike than men.  God commands a husband to live with his wife according to knowledge of the Bible and of her (I Pe 3:7); the best way to get this knowledge is by talking about the Bible with her.  An older woman can give a younger woman the formula for loving her husband, but there’s no universal formula for loving a wife.

By talking openly with his wife, a man can discover the formula for loving her.  Talking with other women gives a woman a formula for loving her husband, talking with his wife gives a man the formula for loving her.

A man belongs to his wife as he opens his heart to her.  God not only expects a husband to belong to his wife, He expects him to know her well enough to set her apart from all other women (Song 6:9, I Thes. 4:4).  One of the best ways for husband and wife to grow closer and belong to each other is to discuss the Word of God together so that each of them can learn what God says to the other.  That’s the goal of this devotional.

Men and women have different styles of talking and thinking; discussing God’s Word together shows how your spouse thinks.  Talking about her husband’s work helps bind a wife to him but doesn’t bind him to her, for example.  This is because men become close through experiencing high-pressure situations together, unlike women who draw close by sharing their deepest secrets and can share experiences by talking about them.

When a band of hunters sets out to kill an elephant with arrows and spears, each man wants to know that his teammates will stand and shoot when the beast charges.  Warriors and hunters die or starve when another man runs instead of doing his duty.  Athletes taste defeat when a teammate goofs up; you can count on a “clutch player” when he’s needed.  Once a man earns his team’s trust, they’re bonded for life because a man’s life often depends on the fidelity and loyalty of those around him.

Knowing whom he can trust and whom he can’t is all the relationship a man expects, but that’s not what a woman means by “relationship.”  It’s up to each wife to teach her husband the joys of having a woman-style relationship with her.  Unless he’ll rely on God’s promise that it’s safe for him to open his heart to her (Pr. 31:11-12), however, she can’t begin until she’s built enough man-style trust that he’s willing to open his heart.

War veterans keep getting together because the bonds of having been shot at together, while nearly unbreakable, needs maintenance.  It’s difficult for women to share such bonds, however, because a woman isn’t satisfied by a report of how the men were shot at, she wants to know how they felt about it.  Men don’t care how they felt, they care who stood and fought instead of running when the shooting started.  Men don’t believe that talking about a war, a hunt, or a game can build trust, “You just had to be there,” as men often put it.

Men report experiences, of course, but the purpose isn’t to build rapport as with women.  Men report “duty” stories to teach others how to behave, women tell “feeling” stories to build harmony and rapport.  Women feel that heroic stories are unrealistic; men feel that rapport stories are pointless.  The Bible tells many stories about real people which combine both duty and feeling, but men and women interpret them differently.

Men like the David and Goliath story because the little guy triumphed through bravery and a secret weapon.  A David-type sling is difficult to use accurately, but a long sling with the right-sized rock can deliver a major fraction of the punch of a .38.  Men love such high-tech detail.  Women identify with the picture of family friction in God’s account of how David’s older brothers ridiculed him and how Saul didn’t give him the promised reward.  David’s courage and cleverness appeal to men; David’s faith that God would help him conquer appeals to women who like knowing that God uses weaker vessels for His glory.

The best way for husband and wife to draw closer together is to study the Word of God together.  This draws each of them closer to God, so they also move closer to each other at the same time.

This devotional gives a point of view on many Bible verses that relate to marriage.  Husband and wife should discuss these topics so that he understands her better and becomes comfortable in belonging to her so that she becomes comfortable and finds rest in belonging to him.  Exploring what God said about how married people ought to relate draws you closer to your spouse and to God at the same time.  The talking also helps the man know enough about his wife to find the formula for dwelling with her.

A husband must first establish a principle that it’s OK for his wife to express opinions that differ from his.  This sounds obvious, but many wives don’t want to discuss their views with their husbands for fear of criticism.  Some husbands feel that a wife who asks questions is rebelling.  Assuming that he’s such a perfect communicator that no questions are ever needed is the epitome of pride.  Asking questions and offering ideas are the fundamentals of conversation.  If a wife doesn’t feel free to do that, she can’t help her husband, and he’ll lose a major part of the blessing God intended him to receive through her desire to help him.

It’s so easy to criticize other people’s thoughts that engineers have a formal process called “brainstorming.”  This seeks to get all possible ideas listed, no matter how far-fetched or silly.  Criticism is totally forbidden!  After all the ideas are listed, people start exploring tradeoffs between the good and bad points of each idea.

Experience shows that absence of criticism generally produces a number of ideas which are totally unworkable, but discussing them and the reasons why they won’t work sheds light on the problem.  Tying unexpected interpretations back to other passages in the Bible increases understanding.  Each heading in this devotional lists Bible verses.  Discussing them as a couple should help you understand each other better and prepare you for helping others heal their marriages or prepare for marriage.

Devotional Topics

The following sections list verses which husbands and wives may see from different points of view.

Present – a wife is a present from God (Pro 18:22, Mt. 7:11, I Cor 11:9, James 1:17)

A married man must know in his bones that his wife is a wedding present from God who made her for him (I Cor. 11:9).  A bride adorns herself for her husband (Is. 61:10, Rev 21:2); he unwraps his present and takes her to wife.  You’ll remember one wedding guest and one gift more than you remember the others.  God was a special guest at our wedding, and the gift I remember best is my wife, the wedding gift God gave me.

Salvation is an undeserved gift of God’s grace, nobody deserves salvation.  Men don’t deserve wives either; your wife is an undeserved gift of God’s grace.  Would you want to do all the things your wife does to support and care for her home and for you?  God made her heart to want to do that; you can’t make her do it.

Few men think of their wives as gifts from God.  Many scoff, “Some present she is,” but that’s what the Bible says.  Proverbs 18:22 says that a wife is a favor from God, Matthew 7:11 says that God gives good gifts to His children, and James 1:17 says that God gives good and perfect gifts.  God expects a man to treat his wife as a good and perfect gift from Him.  Proverbs warns five times that an unhappy wife is a hardship (19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, and 27:15).  If she’s made for her husband, if she’s God’s gift to him, why is she unhappy?

My wife and I know many unhappy wives.  A woman can be in sin, of course, but the problem often lies in how her husband leads her.  If a man doesn’t lead his wife as God expects, if he makes it hard for her to follow, the entire family suffers.  If she can’t or won’t submit to him, her children follow her example and don’t submit to anyone.  “A child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame,” (Pro 29:15).  A daughter is likely to rebel if she sees that her mother doesn’t belong to her father.  “As is the mother, so is her daughter,”  (Eze. 16:44).

Most unhappy husbands refuse to accept any responsibility for how their marriage turned out.  I’ve heard preachers thunder that marriages would be OK if only women would submit, as if husbands had no part in it at all!  Who was the first man to blame his wife when he did wrong?

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.  Genesis 3:12

Adam knew that Eve was a present from God and that God gave her to be his companion, partner, and participant in his life, not a slave.  Eve was a present from God so he blamed Eve and God when he sinned.

When a man won’t take responsibility, he’s a helpless victim.  If it’s all her fault, there’s nothing he can do!  Just say, “Sure, she does wrong, but work at it, you’ll find something to do to make it better; she may follow.”

Has your boss said to his boss, “The people you gave me are so bad I can’t do my job”?  If he didn’t get fired, he’d hear, “Change how you lead them.”  Maybe your boss doesn’t know how to lead?  The company gave you to your boss; leading you properly is a condition of being boss.  If he can’t lead you, he’s gone.

God’s presents come with conditions.  I’ve heard parents say, “You left your bike in the rain, you can’t ride for a week.”  The child loses the blessing of the gift by misusing it; we lose the blessings of God’s presents if we misuse His gifts.  We can’t lose salvation, but Psalm 51:12 says, “Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation;” we can lose our joy in God’s gift of salvation.  Many men lose their joy in God’s gift of marriage.

I Cor. 11:3 says that you should lead your wife, but Mark 10:44 says that you must lead her by serving her.  This benefits you greatly – serving your wife with gladness and delighting in being hers makes her delight in belonging to you.  There’s no joy this side of heaven that can equal having a woman delight in being yours.

You must know your wife’s needs in order to serve her properly.  Older women are told to teach younger women about men.  This works because men are pretty much alike.  If my wife tells your wife what makes me happy, it’ll probably make you happy.  But if I tell you what makes my wife happy, it does you no good at all.

Women are more different from each other than men; the only way you can learn how to serve your wife is to talk with her.  We’ll be discussing a number of ideas.  A man must take time to discuss these ideas with his wife.  Even long-married couples generally find that their views were more different than they’d thought.  The Bible gives couples a framework for talking about feelings they couldn’t explain before.  The better they know each other, the better the marriage goes.  You can’t tell a man how to make his wife happy, but you can show him Biblical principles that will help him talk with her enough to figure out how to lead his family so that his wife is happy to belong to him.  God wants wives to like belonging to their husbands.

Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:9

I Corinthians 7:4 teaches, “she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.”  A woman cares deeply that her husband be happy with her.  His happiness with her makes her happy.  If she’s happy, it’s simple for her to give him a taste of the joys of heaven, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her.  How happy does he want to be?

I saw this while dating.  My wife enjoyed making me happy and I enjoyed making her happy.  That’s one reason I married her.  We thought we understood those verses, but we didn’t.  Shortly after we were married, she found that her desire to please me had suddenly become far stronger.  Giving herself to me made her want to please me far more than she’d expected.  I’m continually amazed and grateful that God made her that way.

She belongs to me.  That’s all I want so it’s hard for her to give me Christmas presents.  One day she was in a store praying that God would give her an idea of something I’d want.  That’s how much she wants to please me.  She saw some coffee with a variety she recognized.  15 years ago, a wealthy friend had taken me to dinner and introduced me to that variety.  I liked it very much, but it cost $50 per pound.  This blend was only $8 per pound.  We could afford that so she bought some.  It’s really the only coffee blend I actually like; I drink other kinds for medicinal reasons.  But every time I drink of her blend, I’m reminded that God gave her so much desire to please me that she prayed to find something that I’d enjoy.  That’s God’s gift and her gift to me!

One of my goals in leading her is to make sure I don’t damage or blunt her desire to make me happy.  God will hold me accountable if I damage the desire to serve me which He designed into her as His gift to me.  Jesus told men how to lead families and churches:

If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all  Mark 9:35

But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them.  But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.  Mark 10:42-45

Jesus came to earth to serve.  Women generally minister to their families as Christ ministers to His people.  You can serve your family at mealtimes by giving them the best of what’s available and taking your food last.  If you get a bonus at work, do you buy what you want or something she wants?  Do you lead by commanding or do you lead by serving?  The Bible teaches that whatever you do to your wife, you do to Christ:

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.  Mathew 25:40

The wife is the least in your marriage.  If you fuss at your wife, or treat her harshly, you treat Jesus harshly.  If you honor your wife, if you praise, appreciate, and glorify her, you praise, honor, and glorify our Lord Jesus Christ.  God designed women so that your wife multiplies whatever you give her and gives it back to you.

Think about making babies.  You give your wife one tiny cell.  She nourishes what you give her within herself and gives you a baby with billions of cells.  Every cell of that baby has your mark in it (Gen. 5:3).  If you give her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if you give her a girl cell, she makes a girl.  We reap what we sow:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.  Gal. 6:7

Nowhere is this truer than in dealing with a wife.  God gave women sensitive emotions so that your wife wants you to be pleased with her and so that she can tell whether you’re pleased or not.  Her emotions make her into a mirror; she’s not a light.  If you give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll use her power to vex your soul to death (Jud. 16:16), multiply your unhappiness, and give all your unhappiness back to you.  If you give her praise, appreciation, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness you give her and fill your house with your joy in her.  You reap what you sow to your wife, very quickly.  However you feel about her, that’s how she fills your house.  Sow a boy cell, reap a boy.  Sow a cell of love; reap a house full of love.

Some men say, “Sure, she follows me in wrong,” as if husbands were blameless, but God told Eve in Gen. 3:16 that her husband would rule her.  One of the ways you rule your wife is that God made her so that she has an extremely strong tendency to follow your example in whatever you do.  Women can fight this, to be sure, and don’t always follow their husbands into sin, but shouldn’t you give her the best example you can?

One definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect the result to be different.  If there’s trouble in a marriage, someone must change, just as with salvation.  The man’s supposed to lead.  If he wants things to get better, he’ll have to take the lead in changing himself.  And change starts with prayer.

Prayer – marriage runs on prayer; prayer brings wisdom (Psalm 127:1, James 1:5)

Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: Psalm 127:1

No matter how hopeless the situation seems, God promises a way out, but we have to ask:

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.  I Corinthians 10:13

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.  James 1:5

A man who’s in the habit of being negative may not know how to give God’s grace to his wife.  God can change any man’s heart to make him the husband God wants him to be but he must humble himself, pray for wisdom, and ask God to change him.  If a man wants to change, he can ask his wife to tell him when she thinks he’s being negative; her input can help him change.  A man needs God’s help and his wife’s help to clean his heart of whatever unsettles his family.  It’s humbling to change; many men won’t even try.

God wants everybody to go to heaven, but unless a sinner admits that he can’t save himself and asks Jesus to save him, he’ll go to hell.  Similarly, God wants all married people to experience a taste of the joys of heaven, but unless a man leads his family in God’s way, he’ll often create his very own hell right here on earth.

When a man asks Jesus to forgive his sins, he’d better mean it, or he’ll go to hell.  Similarly, a man can tell his wife he wants to change to make their marriage better, but unless he means it, it won’t work.  When a good girl goes wrong with a bad guy, we say, “He must have fed her a line.”  A man can fool a woman for a while by telling her what she wants to hear, but a wife figures her husband out pretty fast.  If he talks about change without meaning it, she’ll be angry when she finds out he’s lying, but if he tries to improve, a woman generally cuts him some slack and helps him change.  That’s why a man should pray that God will change his heart to make him the husband God wants him to be and ask his wife to pray with him to help him be a better husband.

There is a danger.  Suppose a man comes to you with a troubled marriage, you walk him through this material, and he tells his wife he plans to do better.  She may give him a hard time just to be sure he means it.  An insecure person often hurts you on purpose just to see if you care.  If his wife’s insecure, and if he knows the marriage is in trouble, she’s probably insecure, she’s likely to hurt him to make sure he still cares about her.  When a man tries to change, things may get worse as his wife tests him.  If he lasts through that, if he’s able to keep trying to treat her better even while she’s hurting him, she’ll eventually catch on that he’s trying to make her happy and treat him better.  But it takes time.

A man should ask God to help him understand how to treat his wife as God’s perfect present to him.  If a man discusses these topics with his wife and starts to treat her as God’s perfect present, she may start to act like God’s perfect present.  There are few activities that draw a man and wife closer than looking into God’s Word to find what God says about making their marriage work better.  Having a man appreciate his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and having her act as God’s perfect gift to him builds any marriage.

Love your wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25-28)

The Greek word translated “love” is agape, for which there is no real equivalent in English.  It doesn’t mean a passionate love; it means a giving, sacrificial, caring love.  Christ died for us because He had agape for us.

Agape is not a feeling; it’s an act of will.  Men must love their wives sacrificially; it’s something every husband is commanded to do.  It’s interesting that wives are commanded to submit to their husbands, God didn’t command them to have agape for their husbands.  I think that’s because God made women so that their nature is to serve their husbands and families.  If you lead your wife halfway decently, she’ll cut you a lot of slack and serve you, but it works better if you love her as God tells you to.

Love doesn’t do her any good unless she knows you love her.  Let’s see how to show agape to your wife.

Praise – God tells you to appreciate your wife and praise her (Pr. 31:28-29)

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29

The passage tells a man to tell his wife that she blesses him by being the best wife he knows.  Solomon’s Song teaches you how to do that.  The husband praises his wife in mind-numbing detail.  When you praise little details about your wife, she knows you’ve been paying attention to her, this shows you’re pleased with her.  If you don’t praise her, she feels that she’s failed.  Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.  Job’s wife told him to curse God.  He didn’t criticize her; he rebuked her sin while loving the sinner (Job 2:9-10).

Be careful, there’s a huge difference between praise, which is uplifting, and flattery, which hurts.  Praise comes from the heart, it’s offered out of genuine gratitude and appreciation.  Flattery comes from the head; it’s a way to manipulate someone to get something.  Flattery is meant to benefit the person doing the flattering.  Praise, in contrast, benefits the person being praised and the person doing the praise.

Giving money to the church out of gratitude to God is worship; giving money to the church so God will give you something in return is idolatry.  Praising husband or wife out of genuine gratitude that God set you in a family builds your marriage, saying nice things with the idea of manipulating or getting something turns the marriage into a business deal, which is whoredom.

The basic difference between flattery and praise is that you have to know your wife pretty well to praise her in a way that means something to her.  In the Song of Solomon, the husband praises his wife in mind-numbing detail.  He praises her lips, her breasts, and her nose, everything about her.  Being praised in detail convinces your wife that you’re paying attention to her, which makes her happy.

Some say that a wife shouldn’t need praise or respect from her husband and that she should look to God for appreciation and help.  A woman should rely on the Lord, but men must understand God’s hierarchy:

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.  I Corinthians 11:3

God is Christ’s head; when we look towards God, we see Christ.  That’s all right - Christ obeyed His father so well and takes such good care of the people God gives Him that when we see Christ, we see the Father.

Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Shew us the Father?  John 14:9

The way God arranged a woman’s nature, when a married woman looks toward God, she first sees her husband, then Christ, then God.  Jesus reflects God perfectly, so we see God when we look towards Him.  A husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25); when a wife sees her husband, she should see the image of Christ reflected in her husband’s love for her.  As Christ appreciates, loves, and nourishes the people God gives Him, a husband should appreciate, love, and nourish the wife God gives him.  It’s hard for a wife to feel God’s love unless she feels her husbands love.

What you say about your wife shows her your heart:

A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.  Luke 6:45

Women are incredibly sensitive to what you say about them because they know that your words show your heart.  Your words also affect your heart.  The army teaches young soldiers to say, “Yes sir!” as a sign of obedience.  For most men, saying, “Yes sir!” eventually works on the heart and makes the man more willing to obey.  Similarly, thinking about how your wife benefits you, thanking God for giving her to you, and thanking her for being yours works on your heart and makes you appreciate her more.  This makes both of you happy.

Pride – you should take pride in having her as your wife (I Cor 11:7)

the woman is the glory of the man.  I Corinthians 11:7b

Your wife wants you to think she’s beautiful and to tell her that she’s beautiful, but she doesn’t want you to take too much pride in her looks.  Many men want their wives to dress immodestly so they can show her off to other men.  Esther 1:10-12 tells how king Ahasuerus told his wife Vashti to come to his stag party to show herself to his drunken friends.  She didn’t want to be exhibited like that and wouldn’t come.  The king was right to appreciate the beauty of the woman God had given him; he was wrong to try to show her off to his drunken friends.  Your wife wants you to appreciate her other gifts as well as her looks.

It’s easy to fall into sin through pride even if we’re being proud of someone else.  Proverbs 31:31 says that a wife’s works should praise her, perhaps it would be better to say that your wife expects you to glory in her gifts and in the work she does; this shows her that you’re pleased with her and glad that she’s yours.

Psalm 84:11 promises us both grace and glory.  You get grace through salvation; you get glory through your wife.  Your wife is your opportunity for glory in this life.  A wife can’t glorify her husband unless she glories in belonging to him.  This is a matter of leadership and making her feel appreciated from your heart, not just your head, a woman can tell the difference.

Ephesians 5:27 speaks of Christ sanctifying the church to Himself as a “glorious church.”  A man should love his wife the same way Christ loves the church; he’s to sanctify his wife to himself as a “glorious wife without spot or wrinkle.”  As Jesus develops His people by having us “work out your own salvation,” a man should develop his wife by helping her and encouraging her to develop her talents and skills.  She’s his main source of glory in this life.  We’ll get glory in heaven for people whom we point to Christ and Paul said that he gloried in the churches he founded.  There are other sources of glory, but a man ought to take care not to miss the glory that God planned should come through his wife.

Pleased – she needs to know you’re pleased with her (Pr. 5:18-19, I Cor 11:9)

A woman is made for a man, it’s important to her that her husband tell her that he’s pleased with her:

Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:9

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.  Pr. 5:18-19

God expects you to rejoice with your wife, this includes telling her that you’re rejoicing with her and in her.  Rejoicing with her goes with having your fountain blessed.  It’s hard for a woman to bless her husband’s fountain unless he convinces her that he’s extremely pleased with her.  If you don’t meet her need for talk, it’s difficult for her to meet your physical needs.  As your need is measured in times per day, her need to have you open your heart to her is measured in hours per day of open, intimate, meaningful, heart-to-heart talk.  This doesn’t just mean letting her talk, it means asking her questions so that you understand her, listening as if your life depended on understanding her, complimenting her on her ideas, and taking her words into your heart so that what she tells you affects your behavior.  It isn’t a conversation unless you supply at least 1/3 of the words.

It’s hard for men to understand how much women need appreciation.  I knew a pastor’s wife whom I’ll call Mary.  Mary served her husband’s ministry for years, but her husband criticized her so much that she didn’t feel that he appreciated her.  She felt so inadequate because of his criticism that she was tempted to leave him.  She prayed that God would do “whatever it took” to show her whether her husband loved her or not.

When you tell God “whatever it takes,” He sometimes answers in ways you don’t expect.  Mary was diagnosed with cancer.  She thought her husband would leave her, but he took early retirement instead.  He cleaned up when she threw up after chemotherapy; he nursed her and cared for her.  He’d been so critical of her for so long, however, that it took more than two years for her to be convinced that he truly loved her.  By the time she decided that she wanted to live, the cancer was too far along, and she died.

Feeling appreciated was worth Mary’s life.  I don’t think any man can know the importance of appreciation to a woman, but men need appreciation too, that’s why God tells wives to call their husbands “lord” (Eph. 5:33, I Pe 3:6)  When Mary died, her husband was alone.  Without her in the center, his life had no axle.  He was dying slowly until God had mercy and gave him another wife.  It is not good for a man to be alone, but a man must appreciate the wife God gives him or he’ll end up being alone emotionally if not physically.

Peace – she expects you to treat her gently (Deu. 28:56a, Ruth 1:9a, Mt. 11:28-29)

Carl Sandburg described Abraham Lincoln as a “man of steel and velvet.”  A woman wants her husband to be steel enough to cling to the word of God and to the correct path in spite of temptations, yet velvet enough and soft enough to lead her and her children gently.

The word “gentleman” comes from two words, “gentle” and “man.”  Your wife wants you to be man enough to lead her, gently.  She wants you to be a gentleman; this gives her peace in your house.

The tender and delicate woman among you, … Deuteronomy 28:56a

Women are tender and delicate.  In Genesis 3:15, God told Eve that he would multiply her sorrow.  God multiplies sorrow to women by giving them sensitive emotions.  Her sensitivity helps you, of course, because it helps her see your needs and meet them, but sensitivity causes her great pain if you aren’t careful of her feelings.  If you’re gentle with her, however, she can find peaceful rest in belonging to you:

The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband.  Ruth 1:9a

A wife needs food and shelter, but she also needs rest.  Opening your heart to her to help her learn your thoughts about everything especially your thoughts about her and your children gives your wife rest if your thoughts toward her are as favorable as Jesus' thoughts are favorable to His people:

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  Matt. 11:28-29

Your wife wants you to be happy with her (I Cor 7:34).  When she married, she took on the yoke of pleasing you in addition to the yoke of serving you because of the desires that God put into her.  You have to help her learn your wants and desires so that she can always be confident that she’s pleasing you, that makes your yoke easy and your burden light.

God commands that you dwell with her according to knowledge, which means modifying your behavior based on what she says about her requests, her needs, and her feelings.  God gave her to you as His gift to help you become what He wants you to be.  That means you must listen to her and act on it.

If you read a manual telling how to use a fancy device you've just bought, do you ignore the manual because you think it's unreasonable for the device to work that way?  Won't ignoring the manual take away the blessing you expected?  You might even break it.  That’s another reason to talk with your wife and to praise her.

Protection – protect her from your passions and from her emotions (Heb 13:6, Pr. 25:28)

So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.  Hebrews 13:6

Your wife should trust in the Lord, but God made women smaller and weaker than men, your wife tends to look to you for protection.  She’ll need your help managing her emotions.  God gave her strong emotions to bind her to you, and you’ll need to support her and uphold her when her emotions give her a hard time.

She also expects you to manage your passions.  If she says, “Ouch,” you should stop.  It’s a bad idea to give your wife the idea that you don’t care about hurting her when you touch or take her.  You must rule yourself:

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Pro. 25:28

You must also protect your wife from jokes.  A woman’s humor is generally different from a man’s, “If a wife laughs at her husband’s jokes, is he funny, or is she smart?”  Women seldom agree with men about what’s funny; your wife may please you by laughing at what you think is funny even if she’s hurt by what you said.

It’s a particularly bad idea to tease her.  The Bible says that you shouldn’t tease people at all:

As a mad man who casteth firebrands, arrows, and death, so is the man that deceiveth his neighbour, and saith, Am not I in sport?  Proverbs 26:18-19

The Bible says that when you have to say, “just kidding,” you’re like a madman who scatters death.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue:  Proverbs 18:21a

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Pro 12:18

If your words are a sword to your wife, is she going to want to hear what you have to say?  Your words should protect your wife’s feelings and emotions by being health to her.

Provision – she expects food, clothing, and shelter for her and for her children (I Tim 5:8)

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.  I Timothy 5:8

The most precious gift you can give your children is to live on your income so your children have a mother.  The most precious gift a woman can give her children is to belong to their father so that they belong to him too.

Sanctify your wife (Song of Solomon 6:9, I Thessalonians 4:4)

“Sanctify” means to set apart for a special purpose, generally a holy purpose.  Marriage is holy to God, so sanctifying your wife means setting her apart for a holy purpose.

Your wife expects you to set her apart from all other women.  She expects you to give up your right to chase all the women in the world and focus your attention on her and on her alone.  It is hard for your wife to belong to you unless she’s convinced that she’s the only woman in your life.

This is more important than a man can know.  Men get so intense about making love that it’s easy for her to think that any woman would do.  She may have heard, “all cats are gray in the dark.”  Is your wife going to be glad to open her body to you if you make her feel like an interchangeable sexual appliance?  Appreciating everything she does for you and for your family and praising her in detail reassures her that you’re possessing her and not just anybody.  I Timothy 5:2 says we’re supposed to treat other women as sisters and mothers.  If you have trouble looking at other women, if you’re attracted to other women, if you can’t sanctify her by setting her apart from all other women, you haven’t spent enough time talking to your wife.

God also expects you to be peculiar as a couple.  Four times, He tells us to be a “peculiar people” unto Him (Deu. 14:2, 26:18, Titus 2:14, I Peter 2:9).  Your wife expects to be a “peculiar wife” unto you so that everybody knows that you belong to her; the two of you together should be “peculiar people” unto God so that everybody knows that you and she belong to each other and to God.

Part – make her a vital part of your life (Ge. 2:18, 22-23, I Cor 11:8-9, Mark 10:8, Eph. 5:28)

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  Genesis 2:22-23

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9

And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.  Mark 10:8

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  Eph. 5:28

God created your wife to help you and to become part of you.  God expects you to treat her as an important part of your life; you’re to love her as you love yourself.  She’s to be the axle on which the wheel of your life turns.  She’s the tail on your kite, she holds steady while you soar, but you’d better have a string.  If you’re a kite without a string, you’ll drag her along the ground and she’ll get all muddy.

Passion – you should desire her alone (Song 6:9a, 7:10, 8:2-3, Pr. 5:18-19, I Cor 7:5)

The wife in the Song of Solomon understands what belonging to a man is all about:

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Song of Solomon 7:10

I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.  His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:2-3

She wants her mother to teach her how to love her husband, but she already understands quite a bit.  What does a woman have one of that interests a man?  She wants to bless his fountain:

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.  Pr. 5:18-19

Why is she happy to give herself to her husband?  Because he’s hers, she’s the only woman he sees:

My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her.  Song of Solomon 6:9a

Her husband has sanctified her; he’s set her apart from all other women, so she likes being his.

Even if your wife is eager to make love to you whenever you’re able to take her, God gave you unlimited desire but limited natural capacity.  You can’t ever make love as often as you’d like unless you take drugs.  Your wife can never satisfy you in the sense of your not wanting her any more, but she can accept all the seed you can make.  God gave you unlimited desire so that you’d come home to be with her; He gave you limited capacity so that you and she could do other things such as take care of the house and raise your children.

Your wife likes talking to you.  Is it possible to open your heart to her so much that she doesn’t want to talk any more?  You can talk with her until she’s exhausted and falls asleep, you can communicate until she has to do something else, but is it possible to talk so much that she doesn’t want any more talk from you?

The Bible warns that you and she should satisfy each other’s desires:

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.  I Corinthians 7:5

It’s not her fault if you still want her after making love, that’s how God made you.  On the other hand, she’s taking a risk if she lets you leave home when you have any seed in you.  If she absorbs all of your desire for her, it’s a lot harder for other women to get your attention.  If you leave home with your shirt soaked in gasoline, on the other hand, you’ll be tempted to get near a fire and might be burned:

Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?  Proverbs 6:27

That works both ways, of course.  You defraud her if you don’t try hard to satisfy her need for talk.

Gen 3:16 says that a woman’s desire is to her husband and that she’ll be ruled by her desire that her husband be happy with her.  The difference between a husband and all the other men in a virtuous woman’s life is that her husband is the only one who makes love to her.  Making love makes a woman more sensitive to the man who took her.  If you’re pleased with your wife, being more sensitive to you after making love lets her see your joy in her more clearly; she likes that.  If you’re unhappy with her, however, being made more sensitive helps her see your anger and frustration.  Will she like that?  Will she want to make love again any time soon?

Making love makes a wife feel dependent.  God wants children to have fathers, making women cling to men who take them helps children have fathers.  It generally takes a woman a while to start to feel independent again after making love.  If you’re away, she runs the house independently.  When you come back, you make love to her again, she loses her feeling of independence, and you’re back in charge.

The difficulty is that she doesn’t like feeling dependent unless she trusts you to take care of her.  If she doesn’t find rest and security in belonging to you, she won’t want to give up her independence by making love.  If you’re unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel your unhappiness more keenly when she makes love.

The happier you are with your wife, the happier she’ll be to belong to you.  The happier she is with you, the happier you’ll be.  The best way for a husband to be happy is simply to be happy with his wife.  She multiplies his happiness and gives it back to him.  Whatever a man gives his wife, be it seed, love, anger, whatever, he always gets back far more than he gives.

There’s another issue with making love.  God made women so that most of them want children:

… There are three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things say not, It is enough: the grave; and the barren womb;  Proverbs 30:15-16

Men don’t generally marry in order to talk or in order to have babies.  A man talks during courtship because he enjoys her company, but he marries so that he can make love:

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

Once he’s married, making love expresses a man’s possessiveness:

Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.  Psalm 19:5

This man has just taken his bride to wife.  How does he feel?  He feels strong, he feels like superman, he’s ready to leap tall buildings at a single bound.  How does his wife feel?  She’s been taken, she feels humbled (Deu 21:14, Eze 22:11).  Leave your seed inside your wife marks her as your own.  She may not understand this in her head well enough to talk about out, but she knows it in her heart.  Whenever you take your wife, you remind her that it’s you who rule her, and you remind her how much she cares about pleasing you.

Not only that, women associate lovemaking with having babies.  Your wife thinks of her child as the most precious gift that she can possibly give you.  Many a girl thinks her boyfriend will marry her if she his child even though Abraham, who was a friend of God, didn’t marry all the women who had his children (Gen. 25:6).  If your wife wants a baby and submits to you by taking birth control, she’ll feel your rejection of her child every time you make love.  Will that make her enjoy being yours (Pro 13:12)?

Pursuit – your wife expects you to chase her (Pr. 18:22, Song 8:2)

I Cor. 11:9 says that God made women for men.  One way this shows itself is that women like men to come after them, to chase them, to pursue them.  There’s an old saying, “faint heart ne’er won fair lady.”  In her heart, a woman wants to belong to a man (Song 2:16, 6:3, and 8:3).  Your wife may not fully understand your physical drive, but she’ll probably feel that you don’t care about her any more if you stop pursuing her.

Pursuit is physical.  Looking at your wife arouses you (Job 31:1); your touch arouses her (I Cor 7:1).  If you touch her and compliment her and build her up whenever you look at her, she and you are aroused equally.  Grab her in the garage and fondle her in the foyer.  Hug her in the hall.  Pounce on her in the pantry and kiss her in the kitchen.  Doing this all day reminds her of your love so that you can bounce on her in the bedroom.

Kissing in the kitchen is important because that’s where she prepares food; wives often have attachment to kitchens.  If you grab her there, she’ll likely protest that dinner will be ruined.  Turn off the burner, tell her you’d rather have her than dinner, and drag her off.[1]

She may squawk a lot but she’ll be happier afterward.  She can lie there thinking, “He wants me!  I’m much more important than food; look at the grief I put him through to get me!”  Women don’t think in such explicit terms, but a man might understand this way of putting it.

There’s a problem with pursuing her before she’s convinced that she’s so important to you that you don’t see other women.  Unless you’ve sanctified your wife so that she knows she’s “but one” to you, pursuing her makes her worry that you’ll pursue other women.  The more she enjoys your pursuing her, the more she’s afraid that other women might enjoy it too.  Pursuit comes after you’ve made it clear that she’s the only woman in your life (Song 6:9).  One way to sanctify her is to remind her what a good idea it was for you to marry her and how happy you are that God gave her to you (Pr. 18:22).  Why wouldn’t you pursue God’s gift to you?  After all, God’s good and perfect gifts are worth pursuing (Ecc. 9:9).

Peculiarity – you should delight in how God made her different (Pr. 19:14b, I Pe. 3:7, I Thess. 4:3-5)

a prudent wife is from the LORD.  Proverbs 19:14

“Prudence” means thinking ahead, the way your wife’s mind works is of God.  If you don’t understand how the way she thinks benefits you, that’s your problem, not God’s.  You need to appreciate her ideas and her thoughts, appreciating her is part of opening your heart to her and belonging to her.  After all, you want her, you pursue her, and you talk to her is because she’s the only woman in the world for you.  She’s peculiar!

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7

God expects you to live with your wife based on knowledge of her.  The only way to do that is to talk with her.  God says it’s hard for Him to hear your prayers if you don’t hear your wife.  But this passage clinches it:

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:  I Thessalonians 4:3-5

Some Bible teachers hold that the word vessel refers to a man’s wife, not to his body.  A man should care for his body, but a man doesn’t possess his body, he is his body.  Vessel refers to the wife in I Peter 3:7.  This makes sense: a vessel contains something.  The husband’s body gives and the wife’s body contains.  Vessel refers to the wife, so you must know how to possess your wife in honor and sanctification by making her feel valued and special.  Jesus said that “they are no more twian, but one flesh, “ so there’s only one body.

Perfection – she’s your good and perfect gift from God (Pr. 18:22, Ja. 1:17, Song 4:7, Eph 5:27-28)

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.  Song of Solomon 4:7

God expects you to treat your wife as a good, holy, perfect, and unique gift from Him:

That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  Ephesians 5:27-28

God treats His people as if we were perfect.  As Christ treats His people as perfect, you should treat your wife as perfect.  This means telling her she’s perfect for you and thanking her and thanking God for giving her to you, this helps her know you’re pleased with her.  Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.

Possession – God expects you to be hers (Song 2:16, 6:3, Jud. 16:15a, Pr. 31:11)

Older women should have taught your wife that both you and God expected her to belong to you before she married you, but regardless of what she does, God expects you to belong to her after you marry:

My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 2:16

I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song of Solomon 6:3

His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:3

This woman likes belonging to her husband.  Why?  Because he belongs to her, she starts by saying, “my beloved is mine.”  Your wife expects you to belong to her; it’s hard for her to give herself to you if you don’t.

We know what it means for your wife to be yours – it means you can have her several times per day, but what does it mean for you to belong to her?  Let’s look at a case where it didn’t happen:

And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me?  Jud. 16:15a

Samson told her he loved her but he didn’t open his heart to her.  He wasn’t hers.  He said he loved her, he took her, but he wasn’t hers, he betrayed her. Having taken her, he scorned her by not opening his heart to her.  There’s a saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” we all know what she did after he scorned her.

There are many songs about “stand by your man.”  Would Delilah have betrayed Samson if he’d been hers?

If you don’t open your heart to your wife, if you don’t treasure her speech, she won’t feel that you belong to her.  You don’t feel loved if your wife won’t open her body to you; she won’t feel loved if you won’t open your heart to her.  You expect her to receive your seed whenever you want her, she expects you to eagerly receive her speech whenever she wants to talk.  Her speech is as important to her as your seed is important to you.

It’s hard for a man to understand how difficult it is for a woman to belong to him.  The Bible says that being taken by her husband “humbles” a woman (Deuteronomy 21:14, Ezekiel 22:10), that’s one of many issues in her belonging to you.  It’s hard enough being humbled, but being taken by a man who doesn’t belong to her is humiliating.  It’s as frightening for a woman to belong to a man as for a man to belong to a woman.  Opening your heart to her frightens you, but God says it’s safe to open your heart to your wife:

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  Proverbs 31:11

Warning!  If a man’s needs are being met, he generally thinks everything’s just fine.  By the time a man tells you about trouble in his marriage, he’s pretty frustrated.  A wife expects her husband to open his heart to her in talk.  If he hasn’t talked to her in a while, it may take a lot of talking – days or weeks, even – before she believes he belongs to her and can feel safe opening herself to him.  A man who’s trying to win his wife back by meeting her need for talk learns what “longsuffering” is – wives dream of talking to husbands for hours per day, but the more he talks to her the more he wants her!  He’ll have to be patient until she trusts him enough to be his.

A man possesses his wife physically; a woman possesses her husband by talking with him, not to him.  It doesn’t count if she does the talking and he comments now and then.  He must interest himself in her talk, respond to her ideas, contribute his own thoughts, and supply at least 1/3 of the words.  Women can tell whether a man’s mind is engaged when he talks; a wife wants not only his mind, but also his heart.  He wants to be one physically; she wants to be one emotionally and in planning daily activities no matter how long it takes.  God expects husband and wife to become one (Mt. 19:6, Mk. 10:8).  Both parties change over time to become closer to the other’s position.  Becoming one in thought, word, and deed takes a great deal of communication.

All that talk may seem boring, time consuming, and frightening, but that’s how you belong to your wife as God expects.  If you aren’t hers, how can you expect her to be yours?  It’s your life for her life or not at all.

Purity – value and guard her purity before and after marriage (Pr. 31:10, Heb. 13:4)

A woman who’s been taught that God expects her not to have sex until after she’s married is a treasure:

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.  Proverbs 31:10

Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.  Hebrews 13:4

Both God and your wife expect you to protect her purity during courtship and then to uphold the purity of your marriage covenant.  As you’re dating, you’ll want her, but she won’t want you because women aren’t as driven by sex as men are.  If you touch her at the wrong time, however, her passions can rule her and you’ll have to supply the control for both of you.  She expects you to protect her from her desires at such times.  That’s why God says it’s better not to touch her so as to arouse her until after you’re married:

It is good for a man not to touch a woman.  I Corinthians 7:1b

Honor your wife (I Thessalonians 4:4, I Peter 3:7)

Honoring your wife means showing her over and over that you respect her.  Having respect for her is different from loving her.  Wives need respect from husbands as much as you need respect from your wife.  There are many ways to show your wife respect.

Participation – involve her in decisions (Ge. 2:18, I Cor. 7:34, 11:9)

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18

There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:34

Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:9

God created your wife to help you and gave her a desire to please you.  She can’t help you unless you tell her your goals and plans.  It frustrates her terribly if you won’t let her use her gifts to serve you.  She needs a place to live, and she needs a place in your life.  This is another reason to talk with her, she needs to know what’s going on so she can help you.  If she understands why you make decisions, if she knows she’s been heard and that you’re taking her views into consideration, it’s easier for her to follow you.

Your wife can obey you without knowing why, but being left out of your plan makes her feel used.  Suppose you give her things to do but don’t tell her why.  Without knowing your plan, she won’t be able to feel pleased when the plan succeeds.  If a woman works on a project but doesn’t know enough about it to receive joy when it works, she’ll feel like a lesser being and it will be hard for her to keep working at her best.

Plan – explain where you’re going so she can follow (I Co. 11:3, Pro 29:18a)

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.  I Corinthians 11:3

Where there is no vision, the people perish:  Proverbs 29:18a

Men often get frustrated when their wives ask questions, but your wife can’t read your mind.  This is an area where many men go wrong in leading their wives.  In Genesis 3:16, God told Eve that He would multiply her sorrow; I Cor 11:8-9 says that women are made for men.  In multiplying women’s sorrow and in making them for men, God gave most women more sensitive feelings than most men have.  The result is that women generally understand men better than men understand women.  Men call this “female intuition.”

The problem is that a wife’s intuition extends only to her husband’s feelings.  She can read his heart well enough to know when he’s pleased with her and when he’s frustrated, but she can’t read his mind.  A man may say, “You know me, you know what I want, just do it,” but she can’t read his mind well enough to understand his plans.   A husband must explain what he wants in detail, taking enough time to understand her thoughts, answer all her questions, and have her tell him what he said so that he knows she’s heard what he has to say.

You must do this for your wife, how else can she understand your plans well enough to follow you?  Your thoughts are not her thoughts.  Women live on details, you have to explain your plan in detail or she can’t follow you.  Helping her understand the plan is part of giving her a place in your life.  It’s unfair to blame her for not following you when she doesn’t understand what you want.

For example, if a husband says, “Let’s go on a picnic,” his wife’s mind fills with questions.  She wants to know where they’re going and what she’ll find there.  Are there bathrooms?  Is there a playground?  How long will we be gone?  How many diapers will we need?  How many meals?  Should we bring swimsuits?

Have you ever had a boss who got angry when you asked questions, then blamed you for not doing the job the way he wanted it done?  Followers need details.  When an army travels, soldiers carry rifles, but they aren’t given bullets until time to fight.  Loaded weapons are trouble; the Army doesn’t want bullets lying around.  Can you imagine an officer saying, “Why don’t you have bullets?”  He’s responsible for issuing ammo, it’s his fault if his troops run out, but I’ve heard husbands complain, “Why didn’t you bring enough diapers?”  You have to tell your wife how long you’ll be gone so she can pack enough diapers.  Your wife can’t follow your vision unless you tell her what it is, and without a vision, the family perishes (Pr. 29:18).

There’ve been business scandals where billions of dollars were stolen.  The boss said he didn’t know his underlings were stealing the money.  The juries decided it didn’t matter, the boss should have known what was happening; he went to jail.  You should know what goes on in your family.  The family perishes if the husband won’t lead.  Few women want to grab the flag away from you and run with it, but your wife will pick up the flag when you’ve dropped it.  She’ll try to lead when you won’t, but that’s not God’s way.

It’s not that simple, your wife must lead when you’re away from home.  How does this work?  How does she switch from following you when you’re there to leading when you’re gone?  God provided for that.  Opening her body to you as often as you want her takes away her independence.  God wanted children to have fathers.  He designed women so that a woman clings to the man who takes her.  That’s why a lot of wives avoid making love – it’s frightening to lose her independence to a man she doesn’t trust.

When you’re around, making love to you takes away her independence and she can follow you if you lead.  When you’re away, you stop making love, her independence comes back, and she can lead.  When you get back, she must deliberately decide to give up her independence once again and submit to you.

She makes the same choice every month.  Her period is usually long enough for independence to come back, but when it’s over, she once again gives up her independence.

In the old days, judges gave children to the husband during a divorce so that they grew up seeing a man lead, but now, children usually go to the mother.  Children of divorce grow up seeing a woman lead.  This makes it hard to follow the husband’s leadership when they marry.

Persuasion – she expects you to persuade her (Ro. 14:5b, 14:23b, II Cor. 5:11, Phi. 1:9a)

Persuasion instead of commanding is another way to show honor.  Trying to persuade your wife tells her that you value her opinion, her experience, and her agreement.  Persuasion is not only effective, it’s Biblical:

Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.  Romans 14:5b

for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.  Romans 14:23b

Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men;  II Corinthians 5:11a

Yet for love’s sake I rather beseech thee,  Philemon 1:9a

Every Christian should be “fully persuaded.”  You make your wife sin if you command or coerce her so that she obeys without being convinced that God wants what you want.  Even with heaven or hell in the balance, Paul said, “we persuade men.”  When Paul wanted Philemon to forgive Onesimus, he could have used his apostolic authority to command, but instead, he begged Philemon for love’s sake. Persuading takes longer than commanding, it’s part of longsuffering.  That’s where giving grace comes in.

As you seek to persuade your wife, she’ll appreciate hearing your reasons why you want to do what you want to do.  God gave her a different point of view so that she could help you; she may think of possibilities you didn’t.  The more information, thought, Bible research, and prayer you and she put into decisions, the better decisions you’ll make.  You’re in charge, you have the tie-breaking vote if you and she can’t agree, but if you can’t agree, it’s best to put off the decision as long as possible.  When it’s not necessary to decide, it’s necessary not to decide.  Get all the facts before making decisions.

Persuading your wife is a good time to tell her other things about your plans; letting her in on what you’re trying to do makes her your friend instead of your servant.

Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.  John 15:15

Jesus tells us what God wants through the Bible and through the Holy Spirit.  If you do not share your heart or your plans with your wife, you’re in effect treating her as a servant who does what she’s told without being persuaded or even knowing why.  Women are inclined to go along with their men; you’ll find that the more you explain your reasoning, the more she’ll agree with you and the more easily she can follow you.

Passivity – she wants you to stay out of the details except when she wants your opinion or help

A woman wants you to care about everything she does so that you can appreciate it, but she usually wants you to leave the details to her.  Unless she decides that she wants your opinion, in which case, it frustrates her if you don’t care.  I don’t have strong preferences about food.  Most of the time, my wife is happy that she can fix whatever she wants to eat.  Once in a while, however, she doesn’t know what to eat and it frustrates her that I don’t care enough to decide for her.  This depends on her moods and on how tired she is.

When I’m making plans, she wants me to work out the details in discussion with her, but when she’s doing something, she wants me to leave the details to her unless she wants me to decide for her.  Working out the right combination of planning and passivity requires that you talk with her each day.  God gives the formula for husband and wife working together:

For we are laborers together with God: ye are God’s husbandry, ye are God’s building.  I Cor 3:9

Today’s couples seem to have forgotten that we’re supposed to be working together with God in building our homes.  Most couples seem to set apart separate areas.  The wife doesn’t concern herself with the husband’s turf and vice versa.  God expects husband and wife to become a one-flesh unit and to work together.  The wife may do most of the work of guiding the house and the husband may do most of the work outside the home, but both parties should know what’s going on in all areas.

Praise (Proverbs 31:28-29)

She has to be convinced that you’re convinced that she’s the best wife in the entire world.

How marriage functions (Pro 31:28-29, Song of Solomon, I Cor 7, 11)

Now let’s talk a bit about how a marriage operates.

Place – she expects a place to live and a place in your life (Gen. 24:67, Ruth 4:12a)

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67

And let thy house be like the house of Pharez, whom Tamar bare unto Judah, of the seed which the LORD shall give thee of this young woman.  Ruth 4:12

Issaac supplied the tent.  Boaz had a house.  If your offer to a woman doesn’t include housing, it’s not Biblical.  By the way, it’s wrong for a man to talk with a woman enough to involve her emotions before he’s able to support her.  Letting her emotions get caught up in him when he can’t marry her and take care of her is emotional fornication; they either fall into sin or break up, which makes it harder for her to give herself to her husband later on.  God gave most women stronger emotions; it’s the man who must control the situation.

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Pro. 25:28

The man who replaced his wife’s prized stove without talking to her about it took her place away.  A woman can’t guide the house as God requires without a well-defined place which all parties respect.

Procreation – appreciate her children as her finest gift to you (Ps 127:3, 128:3, Mal. 2:15)

There are three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things say not, It is enough: The grave; and the barren womb; …  Proverbs 30:15B-16a

Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.  Psalm 128:3

Given birth control, would there be babies unless women wanted them?  Many say that babies are a burden and that women should concentrate on careers, but most women eventually want children.  Why did God institute marriage?

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.  Psalm 127:3

And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.  Malachi 2:15

Malachi explains that God made marriage so that He could have children and warns you against treating your wife poorly.  One of the problems with birth control is that men and women can come together without recognizing that God expects them to have children.  100 years ago, there would be children.  Many women marry thinking that they don’t want children only to realize in their 30’s that they do want babies.

Partnership – you must take responsibility for children (Gal 4:2, Ep. 6:4)

Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father.  Galatians 4:1-2

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  Ephesians 6:4

Your wife guides your house, but you’re responsible for setting overall educational policy and for bringing up your children.  In God’s eyes, you’re the prime contractor for bringing up your children.  Many parents subcontract education and child care to hirelings rather than doing it themselves.

Perception – you must see & appreciate her gifts (Pr. 18:22, 19:14b, James 1:17)

God gives each of His people gifts as it pleases Him (I Cor 15:38).  When you marry, you are not only responsible for developing your own talents and using them in the service of God, you’re responsible for helping your wife develop her gifts so that you and she together can use all your gifts in the service of God.

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22

and a prudent wife is from the LORD.  Proverbs 19:14b

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17

Your wife knows she’s a “good thing,” she expects you to know it and to tell her that she’s a good and perfect gift from God.  God gave her a unique combination of emotions and logic that determines how she thinks.  She expects you to enjoy the way she expresses her thoughts.  Men can be pretty clueless about women, but she expects you to talk with her enough to hone your perception so that you can understand what she’s saying and know how she can help you.  Once you understand her thoughts, she expects you to value her ideas.

Patience – she expects you to talk until you understand her (I Pe. 3:7, Phil 2:4)

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7

Your wife thinks she’d like you to understand her, but that’s not realistic.  God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her, and there’s a difference.  We have a quilt on our bed.  My wife believes that the quilt isn’t square and the flowers have to be right side up instead of sideways or upside-down.  She gets out of bed and turns or flips the quilt to get it right, then she turns the quilt above it and so on.  She can’t sleep if the quilt’s on the bed wrong because, she says, it doesn’t cover her completely when I’m in the bed.  I say it’s king-size and she’s a small woman, it’s wide enough either way, but she doesn’t agree.

There are 7 wrong ways to put a quilt on a bed but only one right way.  For years, she was frustrated because I’d put the quilt on the bed wrong when I tried to help her.  She could’ve been like the women who say, “If he loved me, he’d know how I want the quilt,” but she knew I loved her.  She finally decided I really couldn’t tell which way was up.  Then she noticed a tag on the quilt and told me to put the tag in my corner.

Do I understand this?  I do not.  But I know it; I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it.  This makes her feel loved because she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care; she knows I do it just for her.  When you do something just to make your wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to belong to you even if you don’t understand her.

But this took patience.  I see no difference between the top and bottom of the quilt, but the tag, I can find.  She had to be patient while she figured out how to communicate so that I could meet her needs.  In other areas, like putting toilet seats down and rinsing the sink after I brush my teeth, I was able to figure it out.

Some men say I’m demeaning my wife by telling others that she cares so much about an unimportant quilt.  God gave marriage because He wants children.  It does God no good for a child to be born if it dies because someone overlooks some detail in taking care of the child.  Women generally worry about a huge number of details that aren’t on a man’s radar.  A man thinks the quilt’s just as warm no matter how it goes on the bed, but women agree that there’s one right way to lay a quilt, the other 7 ways are wrong.

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4

My wife manages many details of guiding our home and children, I’m glad I don’t have to.  I concentrate on the Big Picture, but when something matters to my wife, it had better matter to me.  If I don’t care about whatever matters to her, if I don’t look on her things, she thinks she doesn’t matter to me.

People say, “Whatever floats your boat.”  In marriage, you float your wife’s boat and she floats yours.  A woman can talk to herself and a man can touch himself, but that doesn’t satisfy.  If you and she don’t float each other’s boats, your boats won’t float.  It takes patience to learn to float your wife’s boat.

Pleasure – delight in opening your heart to her (Jud. 16:15, Pr. 31:11, I Cor. 7:3)

And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me?  Judges 16:15

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  Proverbs 31:11

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath power not of his body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again lest Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.  I Corinthians 7:2-5

Husband and wife owe each other grace; it’s fraud if they don’t give themselves to each other as God’s gifts.  God says that the husband’s body belongs to his wife and the wife’s body belongs to her husband.  The husband knows exactly what “due benevolence” he’d like to give his wife, but giving his wife benevolence doesn’t mean meeting his needs, it means meeting her needs.  The dictionary defines “benevolence” as “a gift given out of generosity.”  A gift costs the giver something, it’s something the receiver appreciates or wants.  Meeting a man’s sexual needs is his wife’s benevolence to him because he’s generally more interested in sex than she is.  What sort of “due benevolence” does a woman want from her husband?

God created women so that men wouldn’t be alone.  God gave women a drive to talk to help them keep babies alive, to help them learn how to care for husbands, and to keep husbands from being alone.  A woman builds relationships every day by talking about whatever’s important to her for hours at a time.  If a man doesn’t enjoy receiving his wife’s words, she feels unloved.

That they do good, that they be rich in good works, ready to distribute, willing to communicate;  I Timothy 6:18

But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.  Heb. 13:16

God places communication in the same category as good works, giving to the poor, and other benevolences.  God knows it’s a sacrifice for you to talk with your wife about topics that interest her, but He also knows it’s a sacrifice for her to submit to you.  When you and your wife become one flesh, each of you must die to self in favor of your new family.  Many couples think that the man loses if they do what the wife wants and that she loses if they do what the husband wants.  In reality, if you talk enough, you’ll usually find that there’s something neither of you thought of at first that’s best for the family.  Basing your discussions on win-lose makes both of you unhappy.  If you take the time to find a win-win, things go better.

My wife has been talking to me since March of 1971; we’ve been making love since August 21, 1971.  As we’ve gotten older, God has reduced my ability to take her.  Ever since age 50 or 55, I’ve been shootin’ pool with a rope.  This is frustrating; I desire her as much as ever but I am simply not able to take her as often as I used to.  God has not diminished her ability to talk.  As she gets older, it seems that she has more to say.

This suggests that my talking to her is more important to God than my taking her.

I’ve met wives whose parents were divorced; they didn’t talk much to their parents, so they didn’t learn how to build relationships through talk.  In such cases, the husband not only has to learn to open his heart to his wife, he has to teach her to open her heart to him.  This is difficult, but I’ve seen it done.

Privacy – keep the innermost thoughts of her heart to yourself (Pro 11:13, 19:11, 20:19)

A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.  Proverbs 11:13

The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.  Pro. 19:11

He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets:  Proverbs 20:19a

The Bible praises discretion, which basically means not saying what you shouldn’t say.  From a man’s point of view, women appear to talk about so many different topics that it’s hard to believe that there are some things your wife won’t want you to talk about.  When my wife became pregnant, she didn’t want me to tell anybody.  Your wife has some list of topics she doesn’t want you telling other people.  You should find out what’s private to her and honor her list of secrets.  She should do the same for you, of course.

Peer – the world says that men and women are the same; the Bible says not (Gen 1:27, Matt 19:4, Mark 10:6)

Your wife may have been taught that men and women have the same needs and desires.  The Word of God refers to “male and female” to indicate that men and women have different wants and needs, words and deeds.  You and she are not peers.  Talking to your wife shows you how her needs differ from yours and what she means by what she says.  Women who haven’t been taught how men think can become terribly frustrated when men don’t think the same way they do.  Finding and exploring such differences requires a great deal of talk.

Potential – she expects you to better yourself all your life (II Tim 2:15)

Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.  II Timothy 2:15

She will want you to continue in Bible study so that you can lead your family properly.  She’ll want you to improve your skills and other knowledge so that you can advance in your job.  If she helps you advance she can usually bring in more money than having a job herself.  Having a wife work gets her used to getting praise and appreciation from her boss rather from you and makes her feel independent because she’s bringing in money.  No woman can serve two masters, she can’t serve both her home and mammon (Matt. 6:24, Lk. 16:13).

Many women work just to get out of the house.  It’s up to you to make your house a pleasant place for your wife by appreciating her and sharing your work with her so that she can find rest in helping you.

Conclusion

God said a lot about how a husband should lead his wife because it’s important to God.  God made your wife so that she’s inclined to follow you, but if you make it difficult or impossible for her to follow; your children won’t follow either of you.

The basic idea of leading your wife is to treat her as a good and perfect gift of God.  You don’t deserve her submission; it’s a gift of God.  You know her faults, so the only way you can treat her as perfect is to give her the same undeserved grace that God gave you when He saved you.  She knows your faults, too.  The only way she can call you “lord” from her heart, the only way she can reverence you honestly, is to give you the same grace God gave her when he saved her.

The best way to show your wife that you appreciate her is to spend time talking to her.  One way to deal with all this information is to discuss this talk section by section with your wife.  Few women understand their own needs well enough to explain them; these ideas may help your wife find the words to tell you how to meet her needs.  And the happier she is with you, the easier it is for you to treat her with the grace of God.

When lost people see you treating each other with the grace of God, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.  When they see Christians divorcing, however, they think that we can’t handle this life any better than they can and won’t care what we say about the life to come.

Your best opportunities to spread the Gospel of Christ come when people see you giving your wife the grace of God.  Marriage prospers when you treat your wife as God’s perfect gift to you and she acts as God’s gift to you.  Lost people see it, and ask you how you do it.  This gives you a chance to tell them of God’s grace.

There’s a children’s song, “If you’re saved and you know it, then your life will surely show it, if you’re saved and you know it, pass it on.”

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[1] This doesn’t work as well once you have children, of course, mothers want children in bed on time.