Why Marriages Fail

In America, the Christian divorce rate is the same as among the lost.  When people see that we can’t handle this life, why should they care what we say about the life to come?  Christians should show Christ by the way we live, but our divorce rate wrecks our testimony and dishonors Christ.

My wife and I know that a good marriage gives a taste of the joys of Heaven; you’ve seen that bad marriages give a taste of the sufferings of Hell.  God wants to bless His people, listen to His frustration when He can’t:

O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever!  Deuteronomy 5:29

God’s love makes Him want to bless us, but His holiness demands that He can’t bless us unless we get with His program.  In order to get with God’s program for marriage, we have to understand God’s program for marriage and most people don’t.  The Bible tells why marriages fail:

Hosea 4:6 says, “My people are destroyed for want of knowledge.”  Marriages fail when men and women don’t know how God intended marriage to operate.  There’s a wider problem in that the relationship between husband and wife is based on their individual relationships to God.  If husband and wife each relate to God by honoring, praising, loving, and obeying Him, they can relate properly to each other by honoring, praising, loving and appreciating each other and their marriage can prosper.  If either party messes up their relationship with God, the marriage seldom works well even if they both know how marriage should work.

We’ll explore the Word of God to see what God said about marriage.  The Bible keeps tying marriage back to our relationships with God.  Salvation, which is the relationship between an individual sinner and God, is simple; it’s based on receiving God’s undeserved grace.  The marriage relationship is also simple; it’s based on husband and wife giving each other the same undeserved grace that God gave in saving them.

Many people reject God’s plan of salvation when we offer it and go to Hell.  Many reject God’s plan of marriage and find Hell on earth.  In John 15:10, Jesus said, “If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love.”  That’s another way of saying that God plans to bless us if we obey His commandments.

Christians trust God for salvation.  If we trust Him with our souls, why can’t we get with His program and trust Him with our marriages?  Few Christians know what God says about marriage because they aren’t being taught.  How can anyone follow God’s program without being taught?  We older Christians should teach.  We answer to God for what we teach; those who hear us answer to God for what they do with the knowledge.

God Commands His People to Teach Others about Marriage

Teaching is important.  I once lined up to use a copier.  Over the copier was a crude, disrespectful sign which was typical of the way many men think about women.  This sign was an offense to God.  Pro. 18:22 says that a wife is a “good thing” and a “favor from the Lord.”  James 1:17 says that God gives good and perfect gifts.  God wants a woman to be treated as His good and perfect gift to her husband.

I was sad to be reminded how so many men feel about women.  That attitude toward women is not what God had in mind, not at all.  Men chase women pretty hard.  Why?  Men know that women should be good, that’s why they chase ‘em.  I told the woman in front of me that the sign made me sad.  She told me her daughters tried very hard to be good wives, but her sons-in-law were hard on them.

I asked her if she had any sons.  She had two and after some discussion, she realized that her sons treated her daughters-in-law just as badly as her sons-in-law treated her daughters.  “There was a time,” I pointed out, “when you were bigger than your sons.  Why didn’t you teach them how to be nice to women so they’d appreciate you and know how to take care of their future wives?”

She thought a moment, and then looked stricken.  “Because I was working and didn’t have time,” she said.

I knew to ask what she’d taught her sons because the Bible teaches that sons learn how to care for wives from mothers.  Proverbs 31 describes a “virtuous woman,” a wife who pleases God.  Who wrote Proverbs 31?  Pro. 31:1, “The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him.”  Mrs. Lemuel gets 31 verses in the Word of God and what does she do?  She spends her first 9 verses telling her son how to run the kingdom.  9 verses, that’s all.  Just about every book on business management I’ve read can be traced back to Mrs. Lemuel’s rules.  She spends her remaining 22 verses teaching her son about a good wife.

Mrs. Lemuel knew that dealing with a wife is far more complicated than running a kingdom.  Mrs. Lemuel also knew that if the king has a good marriage, the kingdom runs fine; if he has a bad marriage, the kingdom’s in trouble no matter what he does.  You see this at work.  If the boss has a good marriage, things go well, when the boss’ marriage is in bad shape, so is the business.  This is because the way a man leads his wife and family is pretty much the same way he leads his employees, subordinates, or paritioners.

Most of Proverbs is advice from father to son; Chapter 31 is mother to son.  How many fathers or mothers teach sons how to care for a wife and how to nourish and cherish her and thank God for her?  If a man doesn’t know how to relate to his mother, how can he relate to his wife?  If his mother doesn’t teach him, who will?

Let me give you more examples of what’s not being taught.  The Bible commands:

The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.  Titus 2:3-5

The passage teaches two things: 1) women do not know how to love husbands without being taught.  Ladies have to be taught to cook, and clean, and keep a home.  Some men seem to expect women to be born knowing how to cook and clean, but nobody reasonable expects anyone to know how to do these things without teaching.  Why do we expect women to know how to love their husbands without being taught?  Lesson 2) is that not being taught leads to blasphemy!  If women aren’t taught how to love their husbands, the Word of God is blasphemed because Christian marriages are supposed to illustrate God’s love, grace, and forgiveness!  I’m not criticizing women; I’m emphasizing the importance of teaching God’s Word.

This passage also commands that women be taught how to love their children.  God gave us three sons so my wife knows about raising sons.  She visited a younger woman who had two daughters and a 2 or 3 year old son.  My wife said that sons are different from daughters; the younger woman had seen that.  My wife explained that if she let him, her son would rule the household because in the flesh, a man wants to boss women around.  If she didn’t stop him, her son would tyrannize his sisters and try to rule her.

Just then, her son climbed out of his crib and came to the top of the stairs.  “Mommy!  Come here now!” he called.  She went to the bottom of the stairs and asked him what he wanted.  “Take me down!” he commanded.

Having heard my wife, his mother knew what was going on.  Instead of obeying, she told her son to come down himself and went back to her conversation.  My wife pointed out that Jesus came to serve rather than to be served (Mt. 20:25-28, Mk. 9:35, 10:42-45).  In the flesh, a man’s nature is to rule women and tyrannize them.  She would have to teach her son to nourish and cherish his future wife by serving her as commanded in Eph. 5:29, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church.”  It’s not natural for a man to love his wife enough to give his life to take care of her, that’s why God commanded it and why parents have to teach it.

Eph. 5:33 tells wives to reverence their husbands.  No husband deserves that because all husbands are forgiven sinners at best.  Older women need to teach that the only way a wife can reverence her imperfect husband from her heart is to show him a picture of God’s grace.  When lost people see a wife giving her husband grace he doesn’t deserve, they may want God’s saving grace for themselves.  If wives don’t honor husbands, God’s grace is quenched, which is a form of blasphemy.  That’s serious.

I’ve talked to a lot of older women.  They tell me they don’t teach because younger women won’t listen.  That’s no excuse; we’re to give the gospel even if people don’t listen.  Noah preached for 100 years, nobody listened, but he didn’t quit.  But that excuse isn’t even true, young ladies are eager to listen.  In about 5 minutes, my wife can explain what a young lady wants from marriage and what her husband wants from her.  There’s no problem getting them to listen.  The problem is that many older women don’t want to tell younger women how to love their husbands.  We’ve been criticized for telling daughters what marriage is all about.  Some older people don’t want younger people taught about the defining characteristics of marriage.

I believe that there are two reasons why Christians aren’t teaching young people about marriage.

Why Christians are Embarrassed to Talk about Marriage

First, it seems that most Christians are embarrassed to teach their children the physical side of marriage, even though it’s in the Bible and we’re commanded to teach our children everything God said:

And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.  Deuteronomy 6:6-7 see also 11:19

Some say that some parts of the Bible aren’t for children, but when the Bible was written, children became adults at 12 years old.  There’s no excuse for keeping any of the Bible from anyone 12 or older.  The Bible doesn’t say, “Teach this to your girl children and that to your boy children,” we’re told to teach the entire Bible to all our children.  There’s no reason to separate by gender when teaching all the Word of God.  All of it?  Even the sexy parts?  The Apostle Paul thought so:

For I have not shunned to declare unto you all the counsel of God.  Acts 20:27

“All the counsel of God” means the entire Word of God, all 66 books and all 31,036 verses.  We Christians say we base our lives on the Bible, but we tend to skip over passages that explain what goes on between husband and wife.  Kids have to be taught how to drive cars or they’ll get killed, we spend money and effort getting children into a “good college,” but we don’t teach them how to build a God-honoring marriage.  Which is worse, going to the wrong college or marrying the wrong person?  Why do we ignore those parts of the Bible?  When all else fails, read the directions!

Why Christians are Ashamed of Marriage

The second reason Christians aren’t teaching marriage is that they seem to believe that the physical part of marriage is evil, or wrong, or disgusting, or secret, or embarrassing.  We don’t want to talk about it.

God tells us to be fruitful and multiply.  Does God tell us to do something or teach something that would require that we sin?  Of course not.  Sex isn’t sinful, it’s not shameful, it’s in the Bible and it should be taught.

There’s far more to loving husbands than the physical, but the physical part of marriage is important, especially to men.  Young ladies who don’t understand a man’s view of sex, who don’t know a man’s agenda, often fall into trouble.  Ladies need to be taught that sex defines marriage.  A woman can be a housemaid and guide a man’s house without marrying him.  A woman can raise a man’s children without marrying him; many women are nannies and teachers.  A woman can feed a man outside marriage, we have cooks.  She can work with or for a man.  A man and woman may do just about everything together without being married, but there’s one thing God says they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex.  Sex defines marriage; Isaac and Rebecca were married the moment he took her to wife but not until then (Genesis 24:67).

Why was Jacob eager to marry Rachel?  The Bible tells us why he wanted to get married:

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

Would Jacob have yearned to marry Rachel if they’d been living together?  Pr. 31:10 says that the price of a virtuous woman is “far above rubies.”  A woman sets her price by what she does.  If a man can have her for nothing, she’s worth little.  If she insists that he marry her and belong to her, her price is his life for her life.

It’s important to understand the power of sex.  Most women complain that it’s difficult to give meaningful Christmas or birthday gifts to husbands, sons or brothers.  Why is this?  What do men want?  God planned for women to guide the house (1 Ti. 5:14), which costs money.  God made men so that if a man’s wife is pleased to belong to him, that is, he can have her whenever he wants her, she encourages him to take her, and thanks him for taking her, he doesn’t want much else and they can spend most of his income on the family.

Ecclesiastes 7:28 shows that King Solomon was not happily married.  Ecclesiastes 2:1-11 teaches that he spent huge amounts of money trying to make himself happy but it didn’t work, everything he did was “vanity and vexation of spirit.”  If a man isn’t happy with his wife, he’ll buy toys to make himself happy.  This won’t work, but it’s the best he can do.  Solomon wasn’t happy with his wives, so nothing he did made him happy.  If a man is happy with his wife, however, the work he does to support her and care for her makes her happy which makes him happy.  Ecclesiastes 9:9 teaches that a wife is a man’s only source of joy other than salvation.

We all know the power of sex for evil, but it’s important to understand the power of sex for good.  Ladies, would God want you to teach something unclean or shameful?  God commands that young ladies be taught how to love their husbands as the wife’s mother taught her daughter in the Song of Solomon (Song 8:2-3).  There’s nothing wrong with explaining the physical side of marriage and God expects younger women to be taught what men are all about.  Being embarrassed to teach about sex is not of God.

The Bible does say that the flesh, that is, the desire of our sinful nature, is corrupt and wrong:

For I know that in me [that is, in my flesh,] dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.  For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.  Romans 7:18-19

Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; neither doth corruption inherit incorruption.  I Corinthians 15:50

The Bible teaches that the desires of the flesh are corrupt, but it also teaches four reasons how we can know that desires which are expressed properly in marriage are not corrupt, marriage is pure and undefiled.

Why Marriage is Pure and Undefiled

First, Paul said there’s no sin at all in marriage itself:

But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned.  Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh:  I Corinthians 7:28

Marriage brings trouble, not sin.  The joining of husband to wife is pure; it’s not of the flesh.  The Gnostics taught that marriage was of the flesh and was sinful.  The Bible blows away Gnostic teaching against marriage:

Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.  Hebrews 13:4

The desires of the flesh are corrupt, the Bible says, but marriage is honorable “in all;” everything about marriage done God’s way is honorable.  To make sure, the verse adds, “and the bed undefiled.”  When husband and wife come together in marriage, they do not show the corruption of the flesh, their coming together is pure and undefiled in contrast to whoremongers and adulterers who come together outside marriage.  God compares the relationship between Christ and His people to marriage; would God use that analogy if marriage were corrupt?  Of course not.  Marriage isn’t corrupt; it’s pure and holy and based on grace, just like salvation.

God Said Marriage is Sacred

Here’s a second passage that shows that Godly marriage between two saved people is holy and pure:

Furthermore then we beseech you, brethren, and exhort you by the Lord Jesus, that as ye have received of us how ye ought to walk and to please God, so ye would abound more and more.  For ye know what commandments we gave you by the Lord Jesus.  For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: … For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness.  I Thessalonians 4:1-5,7

Saved men and women must know how to come together in “honor and sanctification.”  Some church people insist that this has nothing to do with marriage and that it teaches a man to keep his own body pure.  A man should do that, but it’s clear this passage refers to how a husband possesses his wife.  There are several reasons.  First, the word “vessel” in this verse appears in one other place in the New Testament:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7

“Vessel” refers to the wife; it’s another verse that teaches a man to honor his wife.  Second, a “vessel” receives; in the physical part of marriage, the husband gives and the wife receives.  Third, the Bible teaches in three other places that a man should set his wife apart from all other women, that is, sanctify her:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.  Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29

Mrs. Lemuel expects a man to teach his children that their mother is the best wife in all the world.

My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song of Solomon 6:9

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.  Song of Solomon 4:1

Saying that I Thessalonians 4:1-5 requires that a man sanctify his wife as holy, perfect, and unique is consistent with the rest of God’s Word.  Fourth, I live in my body, I inhabit it, I don’t “possess” it.  God has called His people to holiness; a man must possess his wife, that is, his vessel, in honor and sanctification, not in lust.  He must know how, which means he must be taught, God doesn’t command us to eat and sleep which we do naturally.  God tells us things we wouldn’t figure out without His Word.

“Sanctified” means set apart for a holy purpose, and marriage is holy.  That is why preachers refer to “holy matrimony.”  A man must sanctify his vessel by marrying her before having sex with her.

Sanctification Means Separation

This passage has a difficult message for men.  Sanctification means “to set apart for sacred use; to consecrate, to make holy; purify.”  For a husband to possess his wife in sanctification means to do it in purity, he’s setting her apart for sacred use.  This is consistent with saying that the marriage bed is undefiled and for pastors conducting weddings to speak of “holy matrimony.”

It’s not only undefiled, it’s holy, sacred, and pure.  Why would God have commanded men to possess in sanctification if it were natural?  It isn’t, lust is natural and of the flesh, sanctification is of God and comes after all things are made new through salvation.  Natural men treat women as toys without honoring them; an unsaved man can’t possess his wife in sanctification because he hasn’t asked God to sanctify him.

A saved man owes his wife sanctification and honor and must know how to possess her in sanctification and honor; he must not possess her in the “lust of concupiscence.”  The word “lust” is defined as “inordinate passion,” and “concupiscence” means “longing after that which is forbidden,” that is, longing for a woman who’s not his wife.  To keep his wife from thinking that any woman would do, to keep her from thinking that in his passion, he doesn’t remember that it’s her and not someone else, a man must let his wife know that he values her as a unique person, as a mind, as a set of skills, as a help meet, as a companion, and not just as a body.  The verse speaks of abstaining from fornication, if a man doesn’t make his wife feel sanctified, she feels that he’s fornicating because any woman would satisfy him as well as she does.

It’s important to make a wife feel valued beyond her physical attractiveness.

Sanctification Means Knowledge

In order to set his wife apart from all other women, a man must know many details that make her unique.  The husband in the Song of Solomon, praises his wife in great detail.  He speaks of the shape of her nose and praises the roof of her mouth.  In order to praise her in detail, he has to pay attention to her and notice everything about her.  Women appreciate being noticed, and nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.

I Peter 3:7 tells men to “dwell with her according to knowledge,” that is, live with a wife according to knowledge of her.  The only way a man can get knowledge of his wife is to talk to her in open-hearted conversation for several hours per day for the first year or two where he supplies at least 1/3 of the words.  As he learns what makes her special, he can begin to sanctify her.  Paying attention to her and learning about her makes her feel loved.  Because God made women more sensitive then man, she will learn more about him than he learns about her.  This makes her better able to think of things that will please him, which is another benefit of his learning about her.

Sanctification Means Protection

A husband also has to protect his wife from being hurt, particularly early in marriage.  If she says “ouch,” he should stop.  It’s stupid for a man to give his wife the impression that when he’s most focused on her he doesn’t care about hurting her.  God expects wives to like belong to their husbands (Song 2:16, 6:3, 7:10).  How can a wife be happy about belonging to her husband if she’s afraid he’ll hurt her?

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.  John 4:18

Fear is the enemy of love.  A wife can’t love her husband in perfect love, that is, be glad to belong to him by eagerly opening her body to him, if she’s afraid he’ll hurt her.  This works both ways, of course.

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Proverbs 12:18

A man can’t love his wife in perfect love, that is, be glad to belong to her by opening his heart to her, if he’s afraid of being hurt by the sword of her tongue.  When he says “Ouch” about something she’s said, she should stop, no matter how much she likes what she’s saying.  If she’s wise enough to make her words health to him, on the other hand, he’ll be eager to hear what she has to say (Pro. 31:26).

There’s another point. Titus 2:3-5 says that young ladies are to be taught “that the word of God be not blasphemed.”  Loving a man improperly blasphemes against the word of God.  Men have to know how to sanctify; women must know how to be sanctified.  The physical part of marriage isn’t supposed to be of the flesh, God intended that it be pure, holy, and sanctified.  Proverbs 30:18-19 says that the way of a man with a maid, that is, physical union, is too wonderful to describe.  Hebrews 13:4 says it’s undefiled, I Thess. 4:1-5 says that a husband must know how to bring himself and his wife together in honor, purity, and holiness.

There’s nothing embarrassing, or defiled, or impure, or shameful about what goes on in marriage.  The idea that it shouldn’t be discussed is a lie of Satan, the father of lies.  Satan doesn’t want young people taught how to be married, so he lies to Christians and makes them ashamed to talk about it.  Young people who don’t know what marriage is about fall into divorce which gratifies Satan and grieves God.

Marriage Came Before Sin Entered the World

There’s a 3rd proof that marriage is honorable and that the Gnostics were wrong–marriage came before the fall at a time when God had declared all things to be “very good.”

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.  And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.  Genesis 1:27-28

And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.  And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.  Genesis 1:31

God Said Marriage was “Very Good”

God told men and women to be fruitful and multiply before He said that everything that He had made was “very good,” including their being fruitful and multiplying.  The physical part of marriage is “very good,” God Himself said so.  The Bible gives further detail about creating men and women:

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  …  And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.  And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.  Genesis 2:18-24

Adam Being Alone was “Not Good”

It was not good for the man to be alone; Eve was formed before God said everything including women was “very good.”  Forming Eve was God’s last act of creation which completed creation and made it “very good.”  Adam named the animals so Adam knew loneliness before God formed Eve.  Did God have to persuade Adam to pay attention to Eve?  Did God say, “Adam, I’m sorry you didn’t like my animals, here’s someone else I whipped up, why don’t you get to know her, you might like her?”  Did God say that?

No, God didn’t say anything.  How did Adam react?  He wanted Eve; he named her and claimed her on the spot.  He said she was part of him and that she belonged to him.  He named her “woman” without asking her what she wanted to be called.  How possessive can you get?  Women bristle at, “Me Tarzan, you Jane,” but it’s been like that since the beginning, Adam said, “Me Adam, you Eve.”  Adam desired Eve, Adam named Eve, Adam claimed Eve and it was all “very good.”  There’s nothing wrong with a man claiming a woman if he takes her in sanctification and honor, that is, he marries her first and then honors her and sets her apart all his days.  Taking a woman to wife is honorable and right, taking her outside marriage is sinful and shameful.

Marriage is a Sacred Covenant Sealed with Blood

There’s a 4^th reason I’m convinced that the physical part of marriage is pure and honorable – God planned that the marriage covenant be sealed with blood.  Marriage is a covenant, Malachi 2:14 refers to “the wife of thy covenant.”  The phrase “thy covenant” refers to the husband.  A marriage covenant belongs to the man who offers it to the woman.  If she accepts his covenant and he takes her to wife, they’re married.  When they come together, what matters is the desire of their hearts.  If they intend to marry from their hearts, if they mean to sanctify each other before God and others, their joining is holy and pure, otherwise it’s polluted.

God says that blood is a big deal.  We Christians are sanctified through the blood of Jesus Christ:

By the which will we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.  Hebrews 10:10

Wherefore Jesus also, that he might sanctify the people with his own blood, suffered without the gate.  Hebrews 13:21

You may remember the old hymn “He died that we might be forgiven, He died to make us good, that we might go at last to heaven, saved by His precious blood.”  Blood is very important to God:

Whereupon neither the first testament was dedicated without blood.  For when Moses had spoken every precept to all the people according to the law, he took the blood of calves and of goats, with water, and scarlet wool, and hyssop, and sprinkled both the book, and all the people, saying, This is the blood of the testament which God hath enjoined unto you.  Moreover he sprinkled with blood both the tabernacle, and all the vessels of the ministry.  And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.  Hebrews 9:18-22

Moses sprinkled the book of the law, that is, the Bible, and sprinkled the people as a sign that they would obey the Word of God.  All of the equipment of the temple was sanctified to God by being sprinkled with blood.  The Bible goes on to say, “And almost all things are by the law purged with blood…” (Hebrews 9:22).

God created all things from a plan, He did nothing by accident.  A woman sheds blood on three different occasions.  The first time a man takes a woman, her blood is shed.  This blood, which the Bible calls “tokens of her virginity,” sanctifies her marriage covenant if he takes her in marriage, otherwise shedding her blood profanes God’s sacred marriage covenant.  God’s holy marriage covenant between a man and a woman is sealed and sanctified by the bride’s shed blood.  They aren’t married until he takes her to wife (Genesis 23:67, Ruth 4:13); their marriage covenant takes effect when it’s sealed with her blood.

When God offered God’s covenant to Abraham, he, as the weaker party, gave up some of his animals to provide blood to seal the covenant with God (Genesis 15).  When a woman accepts a man’s offer of his marriage covenant, she, the weaker party, gives up her innocence to provide blood to seal the marriage covenant with her husband (Deu. 22:20-21).  She loses her innocence in that she learns a lot about men, but she does not lose her purity.  How do we know?  Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled.”  If a man takes her to wife, she keeps her purity, otherwise she gives her purity away and they’re defiled.

The covenant isn’t all, there’s more sanctification in marriage than just the marriage covenant alone:

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.  I Corinthians 7:14

A mother sanctifies her child by shedding her blood when giving birth.  A woman sheds her blood to sanctify her marriage covenant and she sheds her blood to sanctify her children, that is, to set them apart and make them holy.  There’s no need to baptize babies, they’ve been sanctified to God by their mother’s shed blood.  Childbearing sanctifies the mother if she follows God’s program:

Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.  I Timothy 2:15

There’s more.  Every month she’s not pregnant, a woman’s womb cleans itself at the end of her cycle.  Every month, her shed blood sanctifies her womb to prepare a place where God can mould and make a sanctified child.  Every month, a woman who’s fallen into sin has a chance to start over again in purity if she repents from fornication and stops doing it.

The blood a woman sheds is important to God, but how many Christians respect it?  How many Christian men take a woman in lust and in fornication instead of taking her in honor and sanctification?  How many Christian couples have sex before they marry?  How many pollute God’s sacred marriage covenant?

It’s clear that God intended the physical side of marriage to be holy and pure.  There is no reason to be embarrassed about it; there is no reason not to teach about it; there’s every reason to respect and honor it.

Why Christians Aren’t Teaching About Marriage

There are two reasons Christians aren’t teaching young people about marriage.  First, Satan has blinded our eyes and made us believe that sex within marriage is dirty.  The lost have polluted God’s gift of sex in that men and women come together in all kinds of sick, wicked, and filthy ways.  The way the lost handle sex is indeed foul and we shouldn’t talk about what the lost do.  But just because the lost pervert the gifts of God doesn’t mean that Christians should think God’s gifts are bad.  We’ve heard four scriptural proofs that the way of a man with a maid is “very good” and has been “very good” from the beginning, if it’s done within marriage and the husband knows how to sanctify his wife and the wife knows how to be sanctified.

The second reason Christians are reluctant to talk about marriage is that many Christian couples fornicate, that is, they have sex before they’re married and can’t admit their sin to their children.  There are two reasons to believe this.  First, surveys show that 80 or 90% of couples from Christian colleges have sex before marriage, and second, my wife and I nearly lost it, we nearly fell into sin a week before our wedding, we know how easily it can happen.  Older Christians are placing impossible conditions on young people.  Our customs, which are not in the Bible, are leading young Christians into sin and polluting their marriages.

Fornication is Easy, Purity is Hard

My wife and I had our first date at the beginning of April, we were engaged at the end of May, and we married at the end of August.  My desire for her had been building over the weeks and months since we met, but purity was important to both of us and I was playing things very cool indeed.  We saw nothing wrong with kissing before the wedding, but we both knew that having sex before marriage was wrong, we wanted very much to save ourselves until marriage.

She was put off because I was so aloof.  She was about to marry me, she was about to commit her life to me, and she wanted to know I loved her strongly.  She knew that her desire would be toward me, her husband, and she wanted to be sure I wanted her.  She looked at me with that look women sometimes give men and said, “You’re acting so cold and aloof, I’m not sure you really want me!”

That blew me away.  Here I was, doing my very best to keep our marriage pure, and she didn’t know I wanted her!  There are times when there’s nothing you can say to a woman, there are times when the only way to communicate is with action.  I put my arms around her, and kissed her thoroughly, just like romance stories, I put a burning kiss on her upturned face.

I didn’t know that kissing could trigger her desires.  We weren’t aware of the warning:

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. ²Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  I Corinthians 7:1-2

The Greek word translated “touch” carries the meaning of kindling her or arousing her.  Having had no instructing in that area, I had crossed God’s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness.

She relaxed happily for a few seconds, then she struggled a bit, then she went limp.  I finished the kiss and looked at her.  She was stunned.  She was panting lightly; her face was flushed.  I picked up her hand, let go, and it flopped down to her side, she was limp.  My kiss had set her off, her hormones were in charge, and she was mine for the taking.  Wanting her was hard enough, now she wanted me as badly as I wanted her.

I then did the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.  That kiss worked on me, too, I was no longer cool or aloof, I wanted her as badly as she wanted me to take her, but I backed her up until she sat down in a chair, I walked over to another chair, and sat down to get my breath.

After 5 or 10 minutes, she said, “Wow, you really do want me!”  I said, “Yeah, but we better get out of here,” and we got.  We were never, ever alone again until after we were married.

She told me what happened, “First I felt a falling sensation, that’s when I struggled, then I was lost.  You could’ve done anything you wanted with me, and I couldn’t have done anything about it.  I couldn’t yell, I couldn’t struggle, I was yours.”  That’s how date rape happens, ladies, a man rubs a girl’s hand or kisses her at the wrong time of the month, her hormones and desires kick in, and she’s his.

The Bible commands older women to instruct younger women but they aren’t doing it, which is why so many young ladies get in trouble.  It’s hard for a girl to see how she can get in trouble just because she wants attention from a man, but she can.  Girls, it’s hard for a man to keep you pure, he wants you more than you’ll ever understand, but it’s a lot harder on a man when you want him.

Most of the time, you won’t want him, but your desires can be triggered, and you’re not used to them.  Grandmothers used to tell girls not to kiss because it gave men ideas.  That’s wrong, men don’t get ideas, men have ideas.  The trouble with kissing, girls, is that kissing during the fertile part of your cycle can give you ideas.  When you both have the same idea, it’s hard to stop, that’s what chaperones are for.  The chaperone’s job is to stop you when you can’t stop yourself.

Taking a woman without sanctifying her, that is, taking her without marrying her, does all kinds of damage.  She knows that he took her outside marriage; she worries that he’ll take someone else when he’s away from her.  He knows that she let him take her outside marriage; he worries that she’ll give herself to someone else when he’s away.  She knows he didn’t protect her from his desires, he didn’t protect her from her desires, he took her purity when it didn’t belong to him, and he’s a thief who can’t be trusted to protect her.

Fornication is a bad foundation for marriage but it shouldn’t surprise us that so many young people fall into sin, we older Christians make it nearly impossible for young people to stay pure!  The Bible says:

But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.  I Corinthians 7:9

Some say Paul was “against marriage” when he compared marriage to burning, but he was being realistic.  Paul taught that there are great strains on marriage, there will be problems, and you shouldn’t marry unless you want that person very badly.  Not being able to contain is part of being ready to marry.  If you can contain, the Bible says you shouldn’t marry.

If someone asks you whether they should marry, the answer’s always, “No!”  If they’re asking, they have a choice, they don’t need the other person, they can contain and they may not meet the Biblical conditions for marriage.  If they can’t contain, if they must have that person, they won’t ask you, they’ll tell you.

What do we do today?  A couple meets during freshman year of college.  They play it cool until junior year, they get to the point they can’t contain, and they want to marry.  We tell them, “Wait ‘til you graduate!”  How can we expect young people to contain for another year?  I couldn’t do that now, and there’s a lot less desire in me now than in my youth.  When arguing against asking Gentile Christians to live according to Jewish law, Peter said, “Now therefore why tempt ye God, to put a yoke upon the neck of the disciples, which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear?” (Acts 15:10)  We’re putting yokes on our young people they can’t bear.

God put “cannot contain” in the Bible as a warning.  God knew marriages would come under great strain so He made the forces that draw men and women together very powerful.  God’s purpose isn’t to draw people into sin; God’s purpose in making marriage bonds strong is to help couples stay married.

Short Engagements

How long were engagements in the Bible?  Ruth asked Boaz to marry her around midnight; Boaz did it the next morning.  They were engaged less than a day (Ruth 4) and Ruth didn’t attend her own wedding.  Rebekah was engaged when she left Padan Aram to go to Canaan to marry Isaac but they hadn’t met so they weren’t tempted.  He took her to wife a few hours after they met (Genesis 24:65-67).  When David sent messengers to Abigail to “take her to wife,” she “hasted” after David’s messengers and “became his wife” (I Samuel 25:42).

The Bible teaches short engagements.  Why do we ask our children to burn for months before they marry?  We’re supposed to let them marry when they can’t contain, making them wait when they’re in the same location or are able to get together easily is against the Word of God!  Protecting them is their parents’ job; no college can do this for their students.

How a Man Protects his Woman

Years ago, my cousin called to get information before going to China to teach English.  I sent her some books and was vaguely aware when she returned to the US.  To my surprise, I soon hear she’s getting married.  This seems strange, so I ask what happened.  She tells me she went to China because she was upset that her boyfriend, whom she was thinking of marrying even though he hadn’t asked, dumped her without warning.  She’s gone 3 years, the day she’s back the phone rings, it’s him.  He asks her to lunch so he can tell her why, he had a reason, he says, does she want to know why he dumped her?

She’s curious and she’s still half in love with him, so she goes to lunch.  He tells her he fell hard for her, its years until he graduates, he can’t support her, but he’s getting where he can’t contain, she means that much to him.  He dumps her to keep himself from doing wrong to her.  He knew that if God planned to give her to him to be his wife, she’d wait.  He’s glad to hear she’s gone to China, it gives him time.  He graduates, gets a job, saves some money, and when she gets back, he calls to see if they can start dating again.  It doesn’t bother her at all to hear that she’s so alluring to him that he can’t stand it, so she starts dating him again.

That, folks, is how a man protects his woman, first of all, he protects her from himself.  They had a short engagement, unlike couples who’re forced to wait for months or years.  Note also that although he wanted her very badly, he was willing to let her go if she wasn’t the right wife for him.  By dumping her, he set her free to find another husband if that’s what God had in mind.  Letting God decide who to marry is a very good idea.  How many young people ask God to choose their spouse?

Do we base what we do on the Word of God, which teaches short engagements, or do we follow the customs of men and let our children crash and burn?  The Bible talks of longer betrothals, but the couple was kept apart during the betrothal and didn’t see each other until just before the wedding.  Long engagements can work if couples are kept apart like my cousin who went to China.  The Pacific Ocean is wide enough, barely, but being close together for a long time doesn’t work.  We must either keep engaged couples apart or let them marry when they’re ready no matter what the neighbors think.  To obey is better than sacrifice.

What if a couple fornicates before marriage?  There’s great damage to their relationship.  Women are so sensitive to men that it’s hard for a woman to give herself gladly to a man she can’t trust; a man who took her without marrying her is a thief.  She knows he took her without marriage, she fears he’ll take other women when he’s away from her.  She gave herself without marriage; he fears she’ll give herself to others when he’s away.  Distrust, like fear, pollutes God’s marriage covenant until they make it right.

Rescuing Marriage from Fornication

The solution is as simple as salvation, but may be harder.  With salvation, a sinner must confess his sins to God and accept forgiveness from God.  With fornication, a husband has to confess his sin and be forgiven not only by God, but also by his wife and both sets of parents.  She probably enticed him at least a bit, even if she didn’t mean to go as far as they did, she might have to confess to him and ask his forgiveness.  Confessing to someone you know and love may be more difficult than confessing to God, but God commands that we submit to the humility of confession as a condition of healing:

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.  James 4:10

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.  James 5:16

Confessing my faults to other people falls somewhere between humbling and humiliating, but most people already know my faults.  I’ve seldom told my wife a fault she didn’t know about, for example, but God requires confession.  That’s how to heal a marriage.  The sin must be confessed and forgiven before the husband can start to take his wife in honor and sanctification.  If the sin isn’t confessed, the marriage foundation stays weak.

What keeps couples from confessing?  Pride.  The man says, “she wanted it,” the woman thinks he did her wrong and she doesn’t see why she should be involved in getting it right.

Dying to Self

God expects husband and wife to become one in marriage:

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.  Mark 10:7-8

Men interpret “one flesh” physically, but men often forget why God formed women:

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18

God made women to keep men from being alone.  Most men think that women talk too much, but a woman’s drive to talk is from God.  God gave women a drive to talk for many reasons, but one of His reasons was to keep men from being alone.  A married man need never be alone because his wife yearns to talk to him.

A woman’s drive to talk to her husband is as important to her as his drive to take her is to him.  A woman needs her husband to open his heart to her as badly as a man needs his wife to open her body to him.  If a woman turns away her husband’s drive to open her body to him, he’s tempted by other women, by pornography, or by other men (Ezekiel 16:45-50), this damages their marriage.  If a man turns away his wife’s drive to open his heart to her, she’s tempted to relate to other people.  This damages their marriage.

If a man welcomes his wife’s words, appreciates her talk, and thanks her for her speech, and uses the information she gives him after discussing her thoughts enough to be sure he understands, she’ll be happy to belong to him.  If a wife encourages her husband to take her and thanks him for his seed, he’ll be happy to belong to her.  Seed and speech, talking and taking are the two sides of the marriage arch, that’s how they float each other’s boats.  If one side of the marriage arch is missing, the marriage is very weak and may fall.

What makes a woman feel loved?  What gives her confidence that her husband belongs to her (Song 2:16)?  If he opens his heart to her and lets her chose the topic whenever she wants to talk to him, if he talks about her interests when she hasn’t asked, if he strives to understand and honor what she’s saying, if he thanks her for her speech, she might start to believe that he’s hers.  What really matters to her is when her husband takes what she says and changes his behavior by acting on what she says (I Peter 3:7), that makes her happy to belong to him. 

Jesus said “He that loveth me, keepeth my commandments.”  A wife doesn’t expect her husband to obey her, but she can’t help him as God expects (Gen 2:18) if he won’t sometimes act on her speech.  She feels worthless if her husband doesn’t value her words because she can’t be the helpmeet God intended her to be.

What makes a man feel loved?  What gives him confidence that his wife belongs to him (Song 2:16)?  If she submits to his desire for her to open her body to him whenever he wants her, if she encourages him to take her as a gift when he hasn’t asked, if she sometimes thanks him for his seed (Song 1:2), he’ll feel loved.

The only way that a man and woman can become one in the Lord is for each party to die to himself or to herself in favor of the one-flesh family unit.  A husband should no longer look on his things; he should care for the things of his wife.  He should talk to her, nourish her, cherish her, and work to make her happy.  Similarly, a wife should no longer look on her things; she should strive to make her husband happy (Phil. 2:4).

Neither party deserves that sort of sacrifice from the other.  The only way people can die to self and serve their families is through the grace of God (I Peter 4:10).

Conclusion

Marriages fail because young people aren’t being taught about marriage.  Christians are reluctant to discuss the physical side of marriage, partly because Satan has convinced Christians not to talk about it and partly because parents who sinned are afraid that their children will find out.  Having forgotten the power of youthful hormones, parents may be afraid that teaching will increase their children’s desire to experiment, leaving daughters unaware that they can lose control and not telling men the harm their uncontrolled desires can do

We looked at five reasons why we can be certain that the physical part of marriage is pure and honorable, we looked at verses that command us to teach the entire Bible.  We also discussed a formula by which married people who fornicated before marriage can ask each other’s forgiveness and start to heal their marriages.

The long-term solution is for Christians to teach young people what marriage is all about.  If a girl knows what a man costs her in terms of emotional ties, loss of independence, impinging on her life, if she understands that she owes her husband reverence, obedience, and physical submission, she’ll be choosier about whom she dates.  She also needs to know that her hormones may take control of her when any man who wants her touches her during her fertile time, even the town drunk or worse.  She should never be alone with a man.  She should avoid gatherings where alcohol is served or drugs are available.  Remember the old saying, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”  Some drugs are even  more effective.

If a man understands that he’s on the line to praise, sanctify, and honor her and dwell with her according to knowledge while loving her sacrificially as Christ loves the church, and if she makes it clear that she’s looking for a husband and not just for a good time, he’ll be more careful whom he dates.

These commands are unconditional.  A man loves his wife as Christ loves the church whether she’s worthy or not.  We’re given salvation by the grace of God, a man gives his wife love, and honor, and sanctification by the grace of God even if she doesn’t deserve it.  A wife doesn’t deserve her husband appreciating, nourishing, and cherishing her; those are undeserved gifts of God and her husband to her.

A man isn’t worthy of being called “lord,” he’s not worthy of her submission, she submits by the grace of God.  Her submission and respect are undeserved gifts of God’s grace and her grace to him.  If a woman belongs to God, she should be OK with God giving her to a man to be his wife.

Nobody knows the heart of another person, and God knows you better than you know yourself.

the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.  I Samuel 16:7b

Instead of choosing your spouse, it would be better to ask God to choose whom to date, court, and marry.  You can patiently pray,” God, please send me someone to marry, or make me content with being single.”

If both parties understand that the bride’s blood sanctifies a marriage covenant that’s holy to God, that the pastor isn’t just spouting air when he says “gathered in the sight of God to join this couple in Holy Matrimony,” they might take coming together more seriously.  If both parties are saved by grace and base their marriage relationship on their relationship to God, their marriage will show the undeserved grace of God as God intended.  When lost people see husband and wife giving each other God’s undeserved grace, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.  A God-honoring marriage is powerful testimony of the grace of God which is why Satan tries so hard to mess up marriages.

Couples who’re already married have to understand that God sets down requirements that He expects married people to meet.  If they’ve sinned against the purity of their marriage, they need to confess to each other, to God, and to their parents to get it right to heal their marriage.  If either party neglects the obligations and duties God specified, the other party feels cheated and the marriage won’t prosper.

As with accepting salvation, a couple has to acknowledge that something went wrong and try to change.  As with salvation, there are a few simple principles that turn a failing marriage around rapidly, but it’s nearly impossible to change from the world’s path to God’s path without prayer, reading the Bible, and faith that God wants the marriage to prosper.

The basic way to make a marriage strong is to serve your spouse with gladness as unto the Lord.  One of the best ways to serve your spouse is to avoid criticism, that’s why the two-word formula for marriage is “only praise.”  Serving with gladness when the other person’s being difficult and praising when you’re upset requires the grace of God.  That’s why “longsuffering” is listed as one of the fruits of the spirit.

Christians need to be taught that marriage should be an outward expression of the grace God gives in salvation.  Showing grace not only makes lost people want to share in the grace of God, it makes other people a lot happier to be around you.  And you’ll find that if the people around you are happy with you, that you’ll be happy, too.  Serving the Lord with gladness makes you glad.

Marriage prospers when both parties die to self in favor of the one-flesh family unit.  Marriage prospers when the husband treats his wife as Gods undeserved gift to him, she acts as God’s gift to him, and they both serve each other.  That’s God’s Simple Plan of marriage; nothing else works nearly as well.