Women can be severely traumatized when men push too hard for sex. Can anyone imagine a man still being upset because a woman tried unsuccessfully to have sex with him 30 years ago?[1]
Women and men expect to find joy by coming together. It isn’t working. Instead of happiness, they’re bringing each other great pain. A woman[2] dated a famous comedian. He took her home for sex. He was astonished to learn how miserable he’d made her.
We can’t tolerate men treating women as disposable sex toys, but the messages women proclaim reinforce bad behavior. When the pill arrived, feminists rejoiced that women could enjoy casual, emotion-free, recreational sex as men do. The New York Times published “Sex on Campus – She Can Play That Game, Too,”[3] which described a “slender, attractive” coed who said, “I will not remember who I have slept with.”
This teaches horny men that women seek casual hookups. Men hear that “love ‘em and leave ‘em” is exactly what women want. All men are born next of kin to the wayward wind to some extent. My classmates a half-century ago declared allegiance to the “4-F club” – Find ‘em, Feel ‘em, Fondle ‘em, Forget ‘em.”
Feminists decreed that men are interested in only one thing, then the message got worse. We’ve been forbidden to consider the possibility that men and women might have different views or interests. Dr. Lawrence Summers, who was President of Harvard, lost his job after he speculated that innate sexual differences [emphasis added] may explain why fewer women succeed in science and math careers.[4] James Damore, a Google engineer, lost his job for saying the same thing. Innate sexual differences!! The horror!!
Think about what a man hears. Women say men are interested only in sex. Women say men and women are the same in every way to the point of firing Harvard presidents who disagree. He’s been told that not only does his date know he’s only interested in sex, she, having the same feelings, is also interested only in sex.
The Times says “She can play that game too.” They say sex is a game; his date won’t remember sleeping with him. From what he’s been told, “No” means “Try harder.” What else could “No” mean? “No” is just another move in the game. The 4-F club was right!
A man should know that a woman has great value beyond sex and that sex is one of the most consequential things a man and woman can do, but that isn’t what men are told.
What’s a woman to do? Wishing men would change would be like wishing the sky would turn green. Men must be persuaded, one woman at a time. If she explains herself in a way he can understand, he might see something unique and precious in her. When a man’s pursuing a woman, he listens harder than at any other time. That’s when to tell him!
“I see I attract you. That’s cool, but before we go further, you should know that I want to get married. I’ll be a wonderful treasure for my husband. If that’s not you, we’ll part friends. You don’t have to agree to marry me before we go out, but you must agree that the goal is to decide whether you and I will marry. I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”
“You attract me. If I decide to be your treasure and you won’t marry me, I’ll be hurt. Think of me as a possible treasure. If we’re right for each other, you’ll trust me enough to open your heart to me and welcome me into your life. You’ll find that making me happy makes you happy and I’ll find that making you happy makes me happy. If that’s our chemistry, we’ll make each other happy the rest of our lives.”
“There’s no joy this side of heaven for a man like having a woman enjoy belonging to him and there’s no joy this side of heaven for a woman better than belonging to a man who likes taking care of her. That’s why men pursue women and women like hanging around men. We want joy, but joy needs long-term commitment. If you aren’t willing to at least consider marrying a treasure, don’t waste my time.”
My wife said that before our first date.[5] If she meant it, I’d be a fool not to marry her. I liked making her happy and she liked making me happy; we married as fast as 1971 vendors could deliver a dress. We’ve found the happiness all men and women could have if they knew how to handle the forces that draw them together.
I knew the joy I’d receive if she wanted to be my treasure. Most mothers of today’s men had jobs and couldn’t spend the time needed for a mother to teach her son how to nourish, cherish, honor, and treasure a wife. How could her date know her value? Given what society teaches, how can we blame men for being boors or worse? He won’t know how she can bless him if he treasures her, so she’ll have to tell him:
“I have way more sexual capacity than you do. After we marry and my insides get used to you, I’ll absorb every bit of your sexual energy. If I let you leave the house loaded, you may be tempted to stray. We don’t want that so I’ll keep your desires focused on me.”
“That’s way more sex than women want, but it meets your needs. Other women may be OK playing with meaningless sex, but for me, giving myself to you that often will get me deeply involved in belonging to you. If I’m to be yours, you have to be mine.”
“If you open your heart and mind to me as sincerely, as deeply, as widely, as patiently, as attentively, as often, and as gladly as you expect me to open myself to you, we’ll belong to each other and learn how to give each other a taste of the joys of heaven, right here on earth. I won’t be tempted to find emotional satisfaction with someone else. Emotional cheating often leads to sexual cheating which we do not want.”
It was as scary to open my heart on her terms as it was for her to open herself on my terms but it was worth it. A woman can help a man if he draws her into his joys, sorrows, problems, dreams, and frustrations. My wife’s people skills kept me out of nasty situations.
A woman must be tactful for her husband to open his heart. A man who lets himself get emotionally involved can be hurt as badly by a woman as a woman can be hurt by a man. I have a friend whose wife’s people skills are better than his. When he told about problems at work, she blasted him, “How could you say something so stupid?” That hurt him terribly because he loved her. He stopped telling her about work. He missed promotions and left money on the table. Although my wife cringed at many things I said, she’d say, “He should know better, but what if he interpreted what you said to mean XX?” She encouraged me to apologize for misunderstandings and suggested better ways to explain. That helped double my income.
This works both ways. If a woman says “Ouch,” he should stop whatever he’s doing. My wife saw that stopping was hard, but she trusts me because I stop. What could be dumber for a man than convincing a woman that he doesn’t care about hurting her?
How does a clueless man know whom to marry? If he can have her without marrying, she isn’t serious and he shouldn’t marry her. If he can’t have her, he’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough. If he pushes to see how serious she is, she can say:
“We can’t, I’m not on the pill. I want a father for my children. That means a man with a strong emotional, financial, and logical commitment to helping my children grow up.”
“Having babies is a girl thing. No matter how much head knowledge men have about birds and bees, deep down in their hearts, men don’t believe they have anything to do with making babies. The only way you’ll feel strongly toward our children is for you to feel strongly toward me. The only way I know for sure that you feel that strongly about me is to marry me before we have sex.”
“If you want me enough to marry me, I’ll go on the pill until we’re ready, but no husband, no sex.”
My wife belonging to me changed everything. A woman said, “You have cat tracks on your car.” I said, “They’re my wife’s cats.” Her questioning look got deeper, so I said, “Long ago, she decided to belong to me. She’s mine, so her cats are mine.” Her happiness also belongs to me. If I make her happy, her happiness makes me happier than anything I can do for myself. That makes no logical sense, but that’s the way it is.
You either marry to give or you marry to get. If both parties marry with the shared goal of giving their lives to taking care of each other and their family, they can give each other a taste of the joys of heaven right here on earth. If they marry to get, they can give each other a taste of the punishments of hell.
It really is that simple.
Bill Taylor, a happily-married MIT-educated 50-year hard-core computer geek. He’s the author of The Confucian Cycle: China's Sage and America's Decline http://amzn.to/1KQXwhN which applies Confucius’ theories of governance to American politics.
[1] https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/kavanaugh-accuser-ford-provides-four-sworn-declarations-supporting-her-allegation-n913216
[2] https://babe.net/2018/01/13/aziz-ansari-28355
[3] https://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/14/fashion/sex-on-campus-she-can-play-that-game-too.html
[4] https://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/18/us/harvard-chief-defends-his-talk-on-women.html
[5] http://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2013/10/what-my-wife-told-me-before-we-were.html
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