Forgiveness Is Not An Option

How many of you have heard of Ingrid Betancourt?  The Colombian military rescued her from the FARC drug dealers on July 2, 2008.  She’d been captive for six years; her scars from being chained to trees give evidence of cruel treatment.  She knows that every human has an animal inside.  “In any situation like the ones I experienced, perhaps any of us could do those kinds of cruel things. For me it was like understanding what I couldn't understand before, how for example the Nazis, how (things like that) could have happened.”

The Tribune described her treatment by FARC:

“It was not treatment that you can give to a living being,” …  She added: “I wouldn't have given the treatment I had to an animal, perhaps not even to a plant.”

The New York Times reported that she had been tortured and quoted her as saying that her captors had fallen into “diabolical behavior,” adding, “It was so monstrous I think they themselves were disgusted.”

A couple of months after she was kidnapped, she was given her meal wrapped in a newspaper.  This was the first reading matter she'd seen since being snatched; she absorbed it eagerly.  It was the account of her father's funeral, brought especially to her for her reading pleasure.

Mrs. Betancourt has looked in the face of evil.  A gang of drug dealers tortured their helpless captive for years.  They were disgusted by what they did, yet they did it for six years.  There was no profit in torturing her, she knew nothing they needed to know; she was a hostage, a tool to get leverage against the outside world.

The people of FARC define evil.  They did evil, they were disgusted by their evil, they knew it was evil, they gained nothing from their evil; they did evil for the sake of doing evil.  If they were like the Nazis, they played games among themselves, trying to think of newer, more exotic ways to outdo each other in how evil they could be.  She says that what they did to her gave her an understanding of what the Nazis did to their helpless victims; looking daily in the face of evil explained the lamp shades the Nazis made from human skin.

Everyone wants to know what happened to her but she isn’t ready to say.  Newsweek quotes her:

I know that I have to testify to all that I lived.  I know it is something that has to be done, but I need time.  It is not easy to talk about things that still hurt.  It will probably hurt all my life.  I want to forgive, but forgiveness comes with forgetting.  I have to forget in order to find peace in my soul and be able to forgive.  But at the same time, once I have forgiven and forgotten, I will have to bring back memories [to tell others]. They will probably be filtered by time so they won't come with all the pain that I feel right now.

Mrs. Betancourt understands that she must forgive her torturers to find peace in her own soul.

Forgiveness is Not an Option

When something really bad happens, how often have we heard, “Just let go of it and move on.”?  Wounded people have to move on, of course, but “just let go” is far too simplistic to do any good.  Mrs. Betancourt knows it's not just “let go and move on,” it's “forgive, then you can let go and move on.  The Bible teaches that you can't move on until you let go and you can't let go until you forgive through the grace of God.

Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; [not forgive] lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;  Hebrews 12:15

Mrs. Betancourt has it right.  She realizes that being bitter will defile her soul.  She must forgive those who tortured her with such calculated cruelty.  Forgiving is the only path to finding peace in her soul.  She’s been treated so badly that if she keeps her bitterness inside her, bitterness will defile her and destroy her.

I have many friends who've been treated badly, but I don't know of anyone who's been treated as badly as Mrs. Betancourt except possibly Sen. McCain.  As Sen. McCain went to Vietnam, visited his former prison, and forgave those who tortured him, Mrs. Betancourt knows that she must forgive if only to find peace in her own soul.  Her captors may never know of her forgiveness; they may not care if they ever hear of it, but granting forgiveness is essential for her to move on.  Forgiveness is for her, not for them.  Forgiveness is for you.

Gazing in the Face of Evil

What happened to her was so traumatic that she'll have to forget temporarily to gain enough strength to forgive.  Once she forgives, however, she plans to remember so she can tell others.  Her experience led her to “understanding what I couldn't understand before.”  Having been unable to understand evil before being kidnapped and tortured, she realizes that ordinary citizens can't understand why we must fight the forces of evil.  She wants to help naive people understand that evil is real in the hearts and lives and minds of men.

Mrs. Betancourt gazed every day, every hour, in the face of evil, eyeball to eyeball, for six long years.  She knows that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9).  She understands that, “perhaps any of us could do those kinds of cruel things.”  She knows that all men have sinned (Ro. 3:23).  She plans to remember all her pain and tell us about it.  She wants us to know what evil is like.  Maybe we'll understand why we must fight the forces of evil which are loose in our world.  I hope she can convey her message before it's too late.

There is evil in the world.  People will wrong us, but we must forgive.  We must forgive for two reasons:

First, Mrs. Betancourt recognizes that she must forgive for the sake of her own soul.  If you don’t forgive, bitterness springs up and troubles you and defiles you.  We all know that, we’ve all been bitter at one time or another; we know the harm bitterness does to our sense of peace.  We must forgive if only for our own sake.

The second reason to forgive is that God commands you to forgive and gives you the power to forgive.

The Power of God to Forgive

The newspapers say Mrs. Betancourt is Catholic; the only possession she could bring out of her captivity was a rosary she’d made from leaves and thread.  She said that her prayers to God kept her alive.  I can believe that, but I wonder whether she plans to forgive her torturers in her own strength or whether she’ll lean on the power of God to forgive.  I suspect she’s trying to do it in her own strength.  She said, “I have to forget in order to find peace in my soul and be able to forgive.”  She says she can’t forgive unless she forgets first.

That’s not what the Bible teaches.

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:31-32

Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.  Colossians 3:13

The Bible says twice we’re to forgive as Jesus forgave.  Did Jesus have to forget our sins in order to forgive them?  No, He said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).  He knew their sin and He forgave them anyway.  Mothers forgive children without forgetting what their kids did; Jesus doesn’t have to forget what His children do in order to forgive us.  We needn’t forget to forgive; we need His help to forgive.

We can’t forgive in our own strength; forgiveness requires the grace of God.  Ever hear of Corrie Ten Boom?  The book, “The Hiding place,” tells how her family hid Jews during WW II.  This was against the law; the Nazis’ laws said Jews had to be turned in.  She and her family were criminals in the eyes of the law.

Toward the end of the war, the Nazis caught them and took them to concentration camps.  Every one of her family except Corrie died in the camps.  She and her sister were imprisoned together.  Her sister became ill.  She knew her sister would get well if she got better food and was kept warm for a few days.  She begged the guards to help her just a little so her sister would live.  They mocked her sorrow; her sister died.

It’s one thing to lose a loved one when doctors do all they can.  It’s something else to be in prison and hear, “We could cure her; we’ll let her die.”  Could you forgive men who mocked your tears as they let your child die?  Not in your own strength, you couldn’t.  How do I know?  Corrie couldn’t, not in her own strength.  After months of travel Europe and America preaching forgiveness, she visited Germany.  This is her testimony:

It was a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former SS man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck [the prison].  He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time.  And suddenly it was all there-the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s [her sister] pain-blanched face.

She’d put memory aside, but “suddenly it was all there,” she couldn’t forget.  Neither can Mrs. Betancourt.

He came up as the church was emptying, beaming, and bowing.  “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,” he said, “to think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!”

His hand was thrust out to shake mine.  And I, who had preached so often to the people in Blomendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.

Had she forgiven the men who murdered her sister and the rest of her family?  No.  She was saved, she had God’s forgiveness of her sins, but she couldn’t forgive, she couldn’t shake his hand, not in her strength alone.

Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them.  Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more?  “Lord Jesus,” I prayed, “forgive me and help me to forgive him.”

I tried to smile; I struggled to raise my hand.  I could not.  I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity.  And so again, I breathed a silent prayer, “Jesus, I cannot forgive him.  Give me Your forgiveness.”

As I took his hand, the most incredible thing happened.  From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger which almost overwhelmed me.

And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His.  When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.

Corrie couldn’t forgive the man in her own strength any more than she could save herself in her own strength, but she could forgive him through “Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13).  But note, please, God did not answer her first prayer to forgive the man, she had to ask again.

Showing Christ through Forgiveness

That’s the third reason we must forgive–we show Christ in our forgiveness.  The SS man knew he’d done terrible evil, yet he felt the forgiveness of Christ as Corrie told him the gospel.  What if she hadn’t shaken his hand?  What if he saw she hadn’t forgiven him?  Would he have decided that her message of the gospel was a lie, rejected Christ, and gone to hell?  But she forgave him through the power of Christ!  He was saved!

He tested her.  He saw her hesitation; he saw the horror and fear on her face, he knew she felt the pain of his sins against her as Jesus felt the pain of our sins against Him.  When she asked Jesus to give her His forgiveness to pass along to the Nazi, Corrie was filled with love and became a new creature before his eyes.  The Nazi saw her forgiveness and felt Jesus’ love flow through her to him.  And so he believed.  We show Christ in our forgiveness, we show Satan in our bitterness, it’s one or the other.  Do you show God or do you show Satan?

God's love took away her fear of this man who’d hurt her so.  Even if Mrs. Betancourt forgives, what if she met one of the kidnappers who tortured her on the street?  She'd be terrified.  The Bible gives the cure for fear:

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.  I John 4:8

God's love not only helped Corrie forgive, God's love for the Nazi took way her fear and became a stream of living water, pouring out God's grace, and love, and mercy, and forgiveness to this man through her.

Corrie ten Boom looked in the face of evil, saw evil kill her beloved sister and the rest of her family, and was released through a clerical error when ninety-six thousand other women died.  She went all over Europe bearing witness to the goodness and mercy of Christ.  In spite of preaching forgiveness, she could not forgive in her own strength.  Through Christ she forgave the man who murdered her sister without having to forget!

I know she needed God’s grace to forgive because I’ve had trouble forgiving.  Over 45 years of work, 5 men have cheated me for close to half a million.  My wife had trouble forgiving the first, but she forgave them all.  I’d forgiven 4 out of 5; I’d had trouble forgiving the 5^th.  I’d asked God’s help in forgiving, but as I wrote this, I realized I hadn’t humbled myself to ask the Lord to channel His forgiveness through me.  Only in Christ can we be truly forgiven, only in Christ could I truly forgive.  God brought him back into my life 36 hours later.

I don’t have enough grace of myself to forgive people who wrong me any more than Corrie ten Boom had enough grace to forgive the Nazi of herself.  God has enough grace for all of us, and He tells us how to get it:

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.  Hebrews 4:16

We don’t have to beg, we don’t have to be timid, we’re to come boldly to God’s throne of grace and get all we need.  We get grace for our sins and grace to help us forgive others.  God promises to answer when we pray “according to his will.”  He commands us to forgive; it’s His will that we forgive.  If we boldly pray for grace to forgive, He’ll give us the grace to forgive, and we’ll get extra mercy for ourselves while we’re at His throne.

My heart goes out to Mrs. Bentacourt.  She knows she must forgive to purify her soul of the evil poured out upon her, but she seems to think she can do it in her own strength.  I pray that she calls on God for His strength.

Forgiveness Determines Our Judgment

There’s one more reason to forgive-the way we forgive others affects our joy in our own forgiveness.

Judge not that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.  Matthew 7:1-2

If I won't forgive, I’ll doubt God’s forgiveness.  The more I pass on His mercy and His grace to others, the more His mercy and grace fill me and the more I can believe I have God’s mercy and His grace.  If I don’t forgive, who measures my unforgiveness to me?  Not God!  He forgave me.  I do, it’s my own unforgiveness that comes right back on me.  If I’m angry, it’s hard to believe that God isn’t angry with me.  My own anger, my own bitterness is measured back on to me.  I measure my own judgment back onto my own self!

God wants harmony in His church and in His marriages and among His people.  God knows we can’t follow His command to forgive without Him, Corrie ten Boom couldn’t, I can’t, you can’t, but He will help.  Jesus promised to save anyone who called on Him.  He also promised that God would answer certain prayers.

And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: and if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.  I John 5:14-15

Corrie prayed, “Jesus, I cannot forgive him.  Give me Your forgiveness.”  That’s like the sinner’s prayer, “Jesus, I cannot save myself, I cannot forgive myself.  Give me Your forgiveness.”  Many Christians doubt their salvation.  Why?  When you’re saved, you feel God’s forgiveness fill you, but you forget.  How do you renew the joy in your forgiveness?  By channeling God’s forgiveness to others.  If you won’t forgive, if you don’t let God’s forgiveness and His mercy flow through you to other people, you’ll forget and you'll doubt.

With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful; with an upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright; with the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself froward.  Ps 18:25-26

When the Bible speaks of God shewing Himself, it speaks of how God seems to you.  God is a God of love, mercy, and justice, but He won’t always seem that way.  If you’re merciful, that is, if you forgive other people, God seems merciful to you and you’ll feel forgiven.  What if you're forward?  “Froward” means “turning from, or turning way from, perverse, unyielding.”  If you’re froward, God seems to be perverse, He seems to be turning away from you and you won’t feel His love for you.  If you want to see and feel God’s forgiveness for you and His love for you, you must give God’s forgiveness and God’s love.  Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you (James 4:8).  You make the first move.  You determine how God seems to you.  If you want to feel forgiven, you must forgive!  Mrs. Betancourt knows she must forgive to purify her soul.

Forgiveness Shows Salvation

Some Christians tell me they know God would help them forgive, but they won’t ask because they don’t want to forgive.  Do these people have Christ at all?  God says I’ll be forgiven as I forgive others (Mt 6:12).

The guard heard Corrie’s story of evil done in his prison.  Knowing she’d recognize him, he tested her.  She couldn’t forgive by herself; she humbled herself and admitted she couldn’t do it.  She asked God’s help to do as God commands.  Her actions proved her faith as taught in the Book of James; God gave her the power to forgive; the guard felt her forgiveness.  Would he have believed her testimony without her forgiveness?  When a Christian says he won’t ask God to help him forgive, can I believe what he says about his salvation?

If you don’t want to forgive someone, are you sure you’re saved?  God sets His people apart unto God; that makes us holy.  Holiness includes grace and mercy as well as being set apart.  If you don’t have the grace and mercy of holiness, you may not be holy, you may not be set apart; you may not be saved.  Saved people have the desire to use God’s grace to bless others as Corrie blessed the Nazi who had harmed her so terribly.

If you aren’t holy, if you don’t have God’s grace within you, shouldn’t you ask for it?  God promises:

He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.  John 7:38

As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.  I Peter 4:10

Corrie was a good steward of the grace of God–she asked God for grace to help when she needed to forgive the man who’d wronged her; living water flowed from her to him.  We’re to channel God’s forgiveness to those God allows to hurt us.  God saved Corrie through a “clerical error” to channel His forgiveness.  I don’t know why God allowed Mrs. Betancourt to suffer such a trial, but her story is all over the world.  Pray that she might receive the grace of God!  Perhaps her message might bring revival to Europe and to the world.

Receiving Forgiveness

We must know our own need for forgiveness before we can be forgiven.  Then, we ask for God’s forgiving grace so we can channel God’s forgiveness to whoever harmed us.  Corrie ten Boom recognized her sin in not forgiving the Nazi.  She asked God to forgive her and to help her forgive him at the same time; she couldn’t forgive him in her own strength.  He recognized his sin; that’s why God could forgive him.

If Mrs. Betancourt calls on the Lord to help her forgive her torturers, God promises that she will be able to forgive, but what about them?  Let’s assume she’s able to forgive her torturers with God’s help as Corrie, with God’s help, forgave those who tormented her.  What then?

Her FARC kidnappers may not think they’ve done anything to forgive.  As bitterness of not forgiving defiles many, pride of not admitting sin defiles many.  Remember Jesus’ story of the two men who prayed:

Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.  The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican.  I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess.  Lk 18:10-12

The Pharisee’s heart had no room for seeing that he had done wrong.  Suppose he hurt someone and that person tried to forgive him.  Could he accept forgiveness?  No, he was too full of his own righteousness to need forgiveness.  Forgiveness was for sinners like the publican, not for exalted beings like him!  We must know our need for forgiveness to give forgiveness; we must know our need for forgiveness to receive forgiveness.

The Nazi who harmed Corrie said, “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein, to think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!”  Could the man have said that without knowing the evil he’d done?  Of course not.  It takes the same humility to accept forgiveness as it takes to give forgiveness.  Forgiveness comes only from God through the grace of God; we’re channels God uses to pass our forgiveness to others along with His.  When the man saw Corrie’s forgiveness, he could accept God’s forgiveness and be saved.

Corrie’s experience with the Nazi shows that God can touch the heart of anyone, no matter how evil.  Mrs. Betancourt’s forgiveness will heal her, but it won’t help her kidnappers unless they humble themselves and accept it.  God offers them forgiveness too, of course.  God’s forgiveness won’t help them unless they accept it; Mrs. Betancourt’s forgiveness won’t do them any good unless they accept it.  Given the nature of evil, they’ll have to accept God’s forgiveness in salvation before they can accept her forgiveness.

Given the nature of men and women, we must also forgive and accept forgiveness in our marriages.

Forgiveness in Marriage

Of all the people you know, your spouse is the most likely to hurt you.  Men and women are different enough to get on each other’s nerves.  The principles of giving and receiving forgiveness are the same in marriage as in church, but I know many, many couples who won’t forgive each other.  It’s usually due to pride–like the Publican, one or the other or most often both won’t admit that they could have done hurt.  Without an awareness of causing hurt, it’s impossible to ask for or to receive forgiveness.  Without the forgiveness of God’s grace to cover hurts, marriage sinks into a sea of pain.

God planned that married people wouldn’t be lonely, but I know many married people who are desperately lonely.  Marriage starts with “I do,” your marriage won’t work unless you say “I do” and mean it, but marriage runs on “I’m sorry.”  If you can’t humble yourself to say “I’m sorry” from your heart, if you can’t die to yourself to receive and give forgiveness, if you can’t communicate as long as it takes to find the hurt and fix it, how can you become “one flesh” as God commands (Mt. 19:5-6, Mk. 10:8)?

When we’re hurt, or angry, or offended, we tend to define “sin” as whatever we didn’t like.  Suppose a wife gets angry and her husband asks her forgiveness.  She may not want to forgive him unless he sees what he did in the way she sees it; she won’t forgive unless he becomes like her.  I’ve seen men do this, too.

I can’t insist that my wife see everything my way as a condition of receiving my forgiveness.  People differ in personality, gender, habits, culture, and priorities; misunderstandings can lead to demanding an apology or offering forgiveness when the other person has no clue what’s wrong.  It may take hours or days of talk to understand the hurt, but if you leave hurt alone, bitterness will defile your marriage over time.

God defines sin, not you or me.  God doesn’t have big sins and little sins.  Sin is any violation of God’s laws that we find in His book.  We sin if we don’t do what God commands or if we do what God forbids.  What we think is sin might be a difference of opinion.  It’s vital to really talk about what’s going on.  When my wife or I hurt each other, it’s usually because we didn’t understand what was being said.  Much of the time, a hurt may not be sin at all, but it’s vital to forgive and forget the hurt.  Forgiving is commanded, not forgiving is sin.

For all the married people I know who’ve suffered physical, mental, or emotional abuse; for all the married people I know who’ve been betrayed through adultery or other infidelities, I don’t know any who’ve suffered as much as either Mrs. Betancourt or Corrie ten Boom.  Mrs. Betancourt may or may not be able to forgive, but she realizes that she has to try for her own soul’s sake; Corrie forgave through the power of God.

God promises to forgive anyone who asks.  God promises to help anyone do as He commands.  God commands us to forgive as He forgives; it's not a suggestion.  If we’re Christians, if we’re God’s people, we had to humble ourselves to ask His forgiveness in the first place.  If we can do that, why can’t we humble ourselves to ask His help in forgiving others?  Why can’t we humble ourselves enough to try to understand, to ask forgiveness, and to receive forgiveness?  Are we so proud?  Or are we just too busy with the cares of this world to care enough about obeying God to seek the peace of God through giving forgiveness?

Conclusion

Forgiveness is not an option; it’s a command of God.  If you don’t forgive, bitterness defiles you.  Bitterness makes it hard for you to feel God’s love.  If you can’t feel God’s love, Satan makes you feel fear.  As with all God’s commands, forgiving is very hard.  As with all God’s commands, forgiveness is so hard that neither you nor I can forgive in our own strength, we have to ask God to forgive through us.  As Corrie felt the joy of God’s love flowing through her, there are great rewards in obeying God’s command to forgive.

Any wife knows that living with a man requires a double measure of forgiveness.  My wife forgives me more often than I know.  As she forgives me, it reminds us both that God forgives us.  Forgiving is so much harder for men that God gave a special command to men to love their wives and forgive their wives:

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.  Colossians 3:19

Forgiving each other reminds us that God forgives us, but there’s more to God’s grace in marriage than that.

Let me illustrate the joys of obeying God’s simple, but oh, so difficult, commands.  On our wedding night, Roberta opened herself to me; I took her to wife with joy and gladness.  She was filled with fear; her heart knew God wanted her to be mine; her head wanted to stay independent.  She couldn’t belong to me in her own strength.  She prayed; God gave her the strength.  She’s been mine since Aug. 21, 1971, and God has honored her obedience.  Belonging to me gives her confidence that she belongs to God, but what of me?

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;  Eph. 5:24

Can I love Roberta with the love of Christ in my own strength?  Of course not, but I asked Jesus’ help; He channeled His love through me to Roberta.  This isn’t John 3:16 which says God loves the world, it says “as Christ also loved the church.”  This is Jesus’ love for His very own people, for His very own church.

Wives know men are possessive; what about Jesus?  Is Jesus possessive of His Own?  John 10:28 says, “neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.”  Ponder this.  Jesus gave Himself for the church.  He leads us, He nourishes us, He cherishes us, but what about the lost?  What about those who aren’t His?  He loves them, He longs for them, He has compassion for them, but He can’t nourish them as He nourishes His own.  There are people in the church whom Christ can’t love fully because they walk their own way, they won’t ask Him for leadership or guidance.  They walk in the flesh, not the spirit.  They don’t act like they’re His.

Woman, how can your husband nourish you and cherish you if you aren’t his?  Through God’s grace, he can in part, but not fully.  Roberta made it easier for me to give my life for her by belonging to me.  Through God’s grace, I’ve given my life to nourishing her; I belong to her as she belongs to me, it’s mutual.  People know when husband and wife belong to each other; a couple can’t be one flesh without belonging to each other.  Couples who walk in the flesh instead of belonging to each other give little if any light to a lost and dying world.

Men, think about this.  Lost folks sing to women “Stand by your man;” how can your wife stand by you if you aren’t hers?  God wants married people to belong to each other and become one flesh in Him (Mt 19:5-6).

The Bible teaches that women are made for men; Roberta felt a very strong surge of wanting to belong to me after I took her to wife.  I know many women who belong to men who won’t belong to them.  When a man won’t belong to his wife, it’s nearly impossible for him to believe that she belongs to him; he usually tries to rule her by crushing her.  The woman dies inside; you can see death in her eyes, even in photographs.

Roberta didn’t tell me of her fears for 10 years after becoming mine, but she did want to talk about it.  She said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.”  I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me before our wedding that talking to me would be important to her, so we talked.  “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said.  I thought, “We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done.  “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you.  I’m doing it for God because He told me to.  I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”

Whoa.  I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it.  The next day, I told her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said.  God wants me to lead you and take care of you.  The Bible also says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all.  If I’m to lead you as God wants me to, I’ll have to serve you.  You said it very well–I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”

Roberta had known that women are made for men but she hadn’t expected her heart to want her to lose her independence and belong to me.  Being mine was humbling and scary, but she was saved, she knew that she belonged to God and trusted God to take care of her.  She chose to humble herself and let God give her to me.

I knew I loved her but I hadn’t realized how much God wanted me to serve her nor did I know that God wanted me to become hers by opening my heart to her.  I was saved, I trusted God with my life, it was OK with me for God to tell me to humble myself by belonging to the woman He gave me to be my wife.  Serving God in the past made it easier for us to humble ourselves, belong to each other, and become “one flesh.”  A wife wants her husband to be hers as much as he wants her to be his, but most married people keep their independence and refuse to become one.  Obeying God by belonging to each other is humbling but it has brought us great joy.

John 10:29 says, “My Father, which gave them me.”  Christians are God’s gift to Jesus as a husband is God’s gift to his wife and a wife is God’s gift to her husband.  It’s mutual belonging; the Song of Solomon says twice that the husband belongs to his wife and that she belongs to him.  Lost people speak of “my husband” and “my wife.”  Everybody knows a man should belong to his wife and that she should belong to him.

My wife also belongs to Jesus.  She knows that Jesus’ love is not oppressive or demanding, Jesus’ love is for her good.  Watching how Jesus nourishes her and cherishes her as God’s gift to Him teaches her how to nourish me and cherish me as God’s gift to her; she cherishes me for my good.  God gave women a desire to take care of their husbands, but your wife can’t care for you fully unless you belong to her.

I belong to Jesus.  I watch Jesus take care of me; I see how He takes care of me for my good.  When Roberta became mine, I knew I had to care for her for her good, not for my good.  We knew how we should care for each other from watching Jesus care for us, but neither of us can nourish the other fully without His help.

A woman can belong to a man for a while even if he isn’t hers, but unless he belongs to her, he won’t realize that she’s his.  It’s difficult for a woman to continue to belong to a man who refuses to belong to her.  Some may think I’m less of a man because I belong to a woman, but consider this.  I’m hers, so my happiness belongs to Roberta; making me happy makes her happy.  Giving herself to me gladly makes me very happy.  She gives herself, not grudgingly or of necessity, but cheerfully (II Co. 9:7).  Belonging to a wife who’s glad to give herself to me makes me more of a man; seeing my joy in her makes her happy.

God expects me to give my life for her.  I earn so much an hour; when she spends that much, she’s spent one hour of my life.  I give my life, not grudgingly or of necessity, but cheerfully (II Co. 9:7).  Roberta is mine; her happiness belongs to me.  Spending money on our house or children makes her happy; her happiness makes me far happier than spending money on me.  Solomon's work was vanity because he did it for himself; my work is not at all vain because I'm doing it for her.  If you’re married, your joy lies in making your spouse happy.

Marriage isn't for you, it's for the other person, for your family, and for society.  You don’t marry to get, you marry to give; it’s just like the Christian walk.  We come to church to edify, to build up, to encourage, to minister, we don’t come to church just to get.  Coming to church blesses us just as God meant marriage to bless us, of course, but blessing comes more from giving than from getting.

How can you die to yourself and be saved without His help?  You can’t.  You can’t save yourself without His strength, you have to ask.  How can a man and a woman die to themselves and belong to each other in their own strength?  You can’t.  Roberta couldn’t, she had to ask God’s help, I couldn’t, I had to ask God’s help.  But as we ask God to help us belong to each other, God continually reminds us both that we belong to Him.  For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again (Matthew 7:2); we reap what we sow.  As Roberta and I sow forgiveness to each other, God reminds us that He forgives us both.  As we nourish and cherish each other, God reminds us that He cherishes and nourishes both of us because we both belong to Him.

Altar Call

It’s time to obey God; I speak to the saved, I speak to God’s people.  If you’ve never felt the forgiveness and love of God, you probably aren’t saved; you need to see someone and learn how to be saved.  You can’t give what you haven’t got; you can’t pass on God’s forgiveness unless you first have it yourself.

We then, as workers together with him, beseech you also that ye receive not the grace of God in vain.  (For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.)  II Corinthians 6:1-2

Paul reminded the Corinthians that as we work to build the church, we work together with God, we’re God’s co-workers.  He then begged them not to receive God’s grace in vain.  If you let God’s grace just sit in you, it’s in vain; you have to pass God’s grace on by forgiving other people.  Verse 2 reminds us that God helped us by giving us His grace in our day of salvation; He will help us by giving us His grace in our day of forgiveness.

I speak to God’s People who haven’t forgiven.  Now is the time to forgive.  You can’t do it by yourself, I couldn’t, but God can forgive anyone who wronged or offended you as God forgave you.  If you channel God’s forgiveness to someone else, you’ll remember how God saved you; if not, bitterness and fear consume you.

If you won’t do it for your own sake, if you won’t forgive to restore the joy in your own salvation, what about your children?  You want your children to accept God’s salvation.  Accepting God’s offer means believing God forgives them.  How can your children believe God forgives them if you won’t forgive?

If you’ve said anything bitter against the pastor, or me, or anyone in the church, your children know you won’t forgive.  When God draws your child, Satan whispers, “God won’t forgive you-your parents don’t forgive.  What makes you think God would forgive you?”  Here’s another of God’s commands:

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:31-32

Husbands, wives, what if there's adultery, fornication, or anger in your lives?  What if you won't forgive?  Your children know.  Your children may not know how you've hurt each other, but they know if you won't forgive.  Your children know whether you belong to each other.  Wife, if you won't forgive your husband enough to call him “lord,” how can your children call God “Lord?”

Husband, if you're bitter against your wife, if you won't forgive her, if you won't honor, praise, or appreciate her, you'll teach your sons to treat women as toys and you'll teach your daughters to let men play with them instead of treating them as treasures.  If either of you use your tongue as an evil-speaking sword against the other, you'll likely drive each other to the sins of the flesh, be it adultery in men and gossip and slander in women.  Your children will learn to use their tongues as swords; your house will be filled with conflict, and your children will learn to find pleasure in speaking evil one to another.

Let’s stand, we’ll beg for strength to forgive one another.  I know it’s hard.  If you have to come to the altar to ask God’s help, come, but remember the command, “As Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”  Remember, too, that if you refuse to forgive others, God will seem unforgiving to you.

For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again (Matthew 7:2).  If you won’t forgive, you won't feel forgiven.  God is a forgiving God, God doesn’t do this to you; you do it to yourself, but you also do it to your children.  If you don't forgive, if you don't see God as a forgiving God, your children won't believe in His forgiveness either.  If you want God to show Himself to you and to your children as a loving, forgiving God, you have to love and forgive.  Let’s forgive and rejoice in the joy of our forgiveness!

I know you can’t forgive.  I couldn't, Corrie ten Boom couldn't; you can't either.  God can forgive through you; God will forgive through you if only you ask.  It may take a while.  Corrie had preached forgiveness, it was near her heart; God answered her prayer on her second request, He didn’t do it right away.  It may take longer for you, but God will do it if you ask in faith because it's His will that you forgive.  When He does, you'll feel rivers of living water flow through; it will be like when you first felt the joy of forgiveness in salvation.

If you really want to forgive someone, if you want God’s love and forgiveness to flow through you, if you want God’s living waters to flow out of you, you have to pass it on.  Pray that God will give you the strength and humility to tell the other person of your forgiveness so you can enjoy the love and grace of God together.