What Drove Jesus' 11 Nobodies to Turn the World Upside-Down?
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Introduction
Starting with eleven fired-up nobodies (Acts 4:13), Jesus’ gospel turned the world upside down (Acts 17:6). 300 years later, a quarter to a half the population of the Roman Empire either converted to Christianity or was sympathetic in spite of great persecution. How did this come about?
… there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28b
Christianity respects and values women far more than other faiths – women are equal in value to men! A woman can approach God whenever she wishes. This turned society upside-down, nobody imagined ordinary people relating to God without permission, especially not women.
Some say that Jesus’ resurrection drove His followers to risk their lives to spread His message. There would be no Christianity without His resurrection, but that wasn’t why they put their lives on the line. Chapter 1 explains why the resurrection didn’t get the church going and explains what drove Christians to spread the Gospel. Chapter 2 discusses many of the ways Jesus turned the world upside-down.
The Simplicity of Marriage
God made salvation and marriage. If you try to get to Heaven your own way instead of God’s way, you go to Hell when you die. If you try your own way of marriage instead of God’s way, you can make life Hell on earth.
By the time my wife and I were married in 1971, most of our friends were already divorced. We soon realized that our joyful marriage was a precious gift from God but we couldn’t explain it. We had nothing to say when her sister and my brother suffered the pain of divorce.
We spent decades writing down what God had in mind for marriage so that others could enjoy the blessing God wants for everyone who enters Holy Matrimony. We all know people in troubled marriages or who are thinking of marrying. God’s plan of marriage is as upside-down as the overall gospel and needs explanation.
Chapter 3 explains the surprising simplicity of marriage done God’s way. The rest of the book equips you to help others find the joy God offers through marriage. Jesus explained it this way:
And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. 39He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. Matthew 10:38-39
You can’t be saved or enjoy the Fruit of the Spirit without dying to your former life and being born again into service to Christ. You choose whether to follow the path of pain or the life of blessing Jesus offers you:
Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, 20Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, 21Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. 22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:19-23
In the same way, bride and groom must die to their former individual lives and serve their new family. A husband must pour his life into nourishing, cherishing, and serving his wife and family and she must dedicate herself to guiding the house and serving her husband and family. As serving Christ brings us the Fruit of the Spirit in our daily walk, serving our spouses brings the Fruit of the Spirit into our marriages. When lost people see couples sharing God’s grace and forgiveness, they’ll want to hear how to get it for themselves.
There is no joy this side of Heaven for a man that compares with having a woman like belonging to him and like serving him. There is no joy for a woman that compares with having a man like belonging to her and leading her through serving her and caring for her. It really is that simple. We need to share the message!
Cover design by outcastsolutions.us. The material in this book is from https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com. Feel free to use it in any way that serves His cause. 25-Nov-24
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 - What Drove Jesus’ 11 Nobodies to Turn the World Upside-Down?. 1
Seek ye the Lord while He may be found. 3
The Scribes and Pharisees Knew He Was God. 3
People Know Right from Wrong. 4
Jesus Forgives More Than We Can Understand. 6
Love in Other Relationships. 7
Chapter 2 - The Many Ways Jesus Turned the World Upside-Down. 13
Choosing the Jews to be His People. 13
The People Wouldn’t talk to God. 13
Jesus Gave Us the Priesthood God Wanted. 14
Kings and Peasants Approach God the Same Way. 14
God Values the Poor Equally with the Rich. 14
Love One Another as God Loves You. 15
God Values Women Equally With Men. 15
God Expects Leaders to Serve their Followers. 15
A Man Should Give His Life For His Wife. 15
We Labor Together with God. 15
How Upside-Down Does God Expect Us to Be?. 16
Chapter 3 - Friday Night - Seminar Opening Message – The Simplicity of Marriage. 17
Husbands and Wives Want to Please Each Other. 19
God Demonstrates His Love and His Holiness in a way Everyone Sees! 20
How God Uses Mothers and Fathers to Show His Holiness. 23
Love, Holiness, and Marriage. 24
Chapter 4 - Saturday Morning 9 AM to 10 AM – Theology in 10 Words – The First Three Words. 27
The First Three Words – God is Great 28
Medicine and Public Health. 32
The “Theory” of Evolution Denies the Bible. 34
Chapter 5 - Saturday Morning 10-11 – Theology in 10 Words – The Last Seven Words. 35
God is Great, God is Good – now the Last Four Words. 38
Chapter 6 - Saturday Morning 11-12 – Handling Conflict in Marriage. 41
Good Faith is Unbelievably Important 44
What You Believe Determines What You Do. 45
Chapter 7 - Saturday Afternoon 1-2 – Sources of Conflict – Sex and Communication Styles. 47
Chapter 8 - Saturday Afternoon 2-3 – Sources of Conflict – What We Say and What We Do. 55
Chapter 9 - Saturday Afternoon 3-4 – One Minute Marriage - What My Wife Told Me. 63
Another Way to Explain Marriage. 67
For Our Learning (Romans 15:4) 68
What My Wife Told Me Before We Were Married. 69
Dating is Not a Game, it’s Serious Beyond Measure. 70
Chapter 10 - Saturday Afternoon 4-5 – Wisdom Your Grandmother Shared With Me. 71
I’m a Treasure Looking for a Husband, Not a Toy Looking for Fun. 71
I want to be Pure at the Altar. 72
Making Her Feel Safe in Marriage To Me. 72
Talking is More Important than You Can Imagine. 72
I Serve God by Serving You. 73
And We Lived Happily Ever After. 73
Sunday School – Split Sessions, Men and Women Separately. 77
Chapter 11 - How a Man Protects His Wife. 77
The Protection She Needs Most 77
Men and Women are More Different than We Imagine. 78
Protect Her from You and From Herself 78
How Stupid can Husbands Be?. 82
Can You Love Her as Christ Loves You?. 83
Chapter 12 - What Should Older Women Teach?. 85
God Gave Men Strong Desires On Purpose. 86
Men and Women are More Different than We Imagine. 86
What a Mother-in-Law Taught 87
What Should Her Husband Know about Her?. 88
Let Us Reason Together, Saith the Lord – Isaiah 1:18. 90
Chapter 13 - Sunday Morning – Christians Must Forgive. 91
Forgiveness is Not an Option. 91
The Power of God to Forgive. 92
Showing Christ Through Forgiveness. 93
Forgiveness Determines Our Judgment 94
Forgiveness Shows Salvation. 95
Chapter 14 - Sunday Evening – Loving Others as God Loves Us. 101
Finding God by Relating to God. 102
Loving God From Your Heart 102
Love Thine Only Man or Woman. 104
Love in Marriage and Love of God. 107
The Song of Solomon Shows How Marriage Works. 108
God Gave Us One Love-Based Way to Relate. 109
Chapter 15 - Why God Made Men and Women Think So Differently. 111
It can be Hard to Explain. 112
Chapter 16 - Ruth’s Rules for Finding Rest in Marriage. 115
The Sacrificial Cost of a Husband. 116
Background of the Book of Ruth. 117
Rule # 1 – Prepare to Glorify God with Your Husband. 118
Rule # 2 – Go Wherever He Goes. 120
Rule # 3 – Be Sure He Gives You Rest 121
Rule # 4 – Don’t Play Hard to Get, Be Hard to Get 128
Rule # 5 – Get Advice from a Godly Grandmother. 130
Rule # 6 – Make Sure He Opens His Heart to You. 131
Chapter 1 - What Drove Jesus’ 11 Nobodies to Turn the World Upside-Down?
The Bible tells us what God required His Son to do for us in order to save us from Hell:
For I have received of the Lord that which also I delivered unto you, That the Lord Jesus the same night in which he was betrayed took bread: And when he had given thanks, he brake it, and said, Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you: this do in remembrance of me. After the same manner also he took the cup, when he had supped, saying, This cup is the new testament in my blood: this do ye, as oft as ye drink it, in remembrance of me. For as often as ye eat this bread, and drink this cup, ye do shew the Lord's death till he come. I Corinthians 11:23-26
We often read this passage during the Lord’s Supper which started when Jesus told His disciples that He was going to die to pay the penalty for their sins, my sins, and your sins. It reminds us that He sealed the New Covenant with His blood. We must remember that Jesus was the Son of God and why He had to die.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. John 3:16-17
John 3:16 is the best known verse in the Bible, but John 3:17 is nearly as important. Jesus did not come to earth to condemn sinners, He wanted to save everyone, but we must believe in Him in order to be saved:
He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. John 3:18
God loves each and every one of us and He wants to have fellowship with us, but He is holy. God cannot have fellowship with us as He desires unless our sins are washed away by the blood of His son. We’re all sinners. The Bible says that children must obey their parents. If you ever disobeyed your parents, you have sinned against a command of a Holy God, and you deserve the punishment of Hell when you die.
The Bible says that this is true of all men:
As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one. Romans 3:10-12
“As it is written” means that the principle that we are all sinners was taught in the Old Testament.
And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified. Psalm 143:2
The psalmist is asking God not to judge him because he knows that we are all sinners in the sight of God.
Unrighteousness, lack of understanding, and not seeking God are natural to every man and woman. We who know and love Christ must help people see and understand the seriousness of their sins and show them that they can be forgiven by choosing to have faith in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Sin is the natural state of man – all of us deserve to go to Hell for our sins but there is a way out:
For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23
We’re all born into a life of sin, but all of us can be saved through the grace of God if we choose to believe.
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus: Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God; To declare, I say, at this time his righteousness: that he might be just, and the justifier of him which believeth in Jesus. Romans 3:23-26
Jesus came to earth to save sinners. He loved all of us enough that He wanted everyone to choose to accept His offer of salvation by believing in Him. It hurt Him deeply when they wouldn’t.
Why Did Jesus Weep
John 11:35 says that Jesus wept near the tomb of Lazarus. Being fully a man, Jesus had human feelings of sorrow and sadness. He would soon raise Lazarus from the dead. Why did He weep? Old Testament prophets told us that the Messiah would weep because most people would despise Him and reject Him:
He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Isaiah 53:3
Jesus reminded the Jews that they had not only stoned the prophets whom God had sent to warn them, they would reject His offer of salvation:
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
Jesus came to save all people but His own people wouldn’t choose to let Him save them. Some followed Jesus for a while. Most went away; only 12 stayed with Him:
From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him. Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life. John 6:66-68
Jesus wept for two reasons. 1) As a man, it hurt Him when people He loved and cared about rejected Him. 2) As God, it hurt Him when people He loved and cared about rejected His offer of salvation and went to Hell. Simon Peter and the other 11 realized that Jesus had the words of eternal life and stayed with him. How often do we sorrow when people whom we love reject the message we bring to them?
Jesus was a Jew. Although He shared God’s love for the world as described in John 3:16, He was particularly concerned for the Jews, who were supposed to be the people of God. It was especially painful when Jews who claimed to have been waiting for the Messiah for many generations rejected Him.
He came unto his own, and his own received him not. John 1:11
Jesus knew that His Jews didn’t really believe the Bible even though they said that they believed in Moses and in following the law which God gave to Moses.
Do not think that I will accuse you to the Father: there is one that accuseth you, even Moses, in whom ye trust. For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me; for he wrote of me. John 5:45-46
The Book of Genesis is the first book Moses wrote down. At the very beginning, after Adam and Eve had sinned, Moses wrote that God told the serpent that a savior would be descended from Eve:
And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel. Genesis 3:15
Most people dislike snakes. As God said, Satan would bruise His heel by leading the Jews to kill Jesus, but Jesus would bruise Satan’s head by rising from the dead. His resurrection demonstrated His power over death and shows everyone that He can bring all of us back to life.
Jesus died to suffer the punishment for our sins. His blood washes away our sins if we humble ourselves and see that we can’t be good enough to go to Heaven without asking Him to wash away our sins. His blood is the only way we can have our sins forgiven so that we can spend eternity with God in Heaven. His rising from the dead shows that He has the power to raise us from the dead and fulfill His promise.
God carefully designed us so that even very young children understand the idea of God’s love and forgiveness. How old do children have to be to decide whether to obey a parent or not? I don't remember the age when I first saw my children think, “To obey or not to obey, that is the question.” I could see wheels turning behind their eyes when I gave a command. They knew I’d punish disobedience. Were they deciding, is disobeying worth the punishment? Maybe they wanted to be sure I was watching them and cared enough to force them to follow the rules I had set down for the house. Either way, they sometimes chose to disobey.
Seek ye the Lord while He may be found
Long before they were old enough to make deliberate decisions to obey or not to obey, my children knew that their mother loved them no matter what they did. God created a mother's love to show us a picture of His love. It is rare, but some children go so far wrong that their mothers can no longer love them. In the same way, there is a limit to God's forgiveness which He offers out of love:
Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. Isaiah 55:6-7
The prophet Isaiah spoke just before the city of Jerusalem was destroyed because of the sins of all the Jews in it. God sent Isaiah to preach repentance. He begged the people to “return unto the Lord” because, he said, God would pardon them only if they stopped doing wickedness and turned back to Him. Isaiah tried his best to tell them that punishment was coming, but they chose not to hear him.
Isaiah also warned that there was a limit to God’s patience. In saying, “Seek ye the LORD while he may be found,” Isaiah made it clear that there would be a time when God could no longer be found. God brought the Babylonians to destroy Jerusalem when His patience ran out.
God’s patience runs out for each person. We must keep begging our friends, relatives, and everyone else we meet to turn to God. We cannot know when the limit will come for any individual, but it will come. Jesus tried to win the Jewish leaders, but they rejected Him, lost their chance for salvation, and went to Hell.
The Scribes and Pharisees Knew He Was God
God had shown His power to the Jews when He commanded Moses to lead them out of Egypt. He brought ten plagues on the Egyptians and parted the Red Sea so they could escape the Egyptian army. He gave them manna and water in the desert and showed them His favor on many occasions. This gave the Jews the habit of looking for signs of God’s will. Jesus created enough of a stir through His miracles that they wanted proof that He was their long-awaited Messiah:
Then answered the Jews and said unto him, What sign shewest thou unto us, seeing that thou doest these things? Jesus answered and said unto them, Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up. John 2:18-19
Jesus knew that the Jews would kill Him. He warned that killing Him would be futile because He would rise from the dead after three days. His disciples didn’t understand what He was talking about, but the leaders knew what He meant. After Jesus died, Pilate gave Joseph of Arimathaea permission to bury Him.
Now the next day, that followed the day of the preparation, the chief priests and Pharisees came together unto Pilate, 63Saying, Sir, we remember that that deceiver said, while he was yet alive, After three days I will rise again. 64Command therefore that the sepulchre be made sure until the third day, lest his disciples come by night, and steal him away, and say unto the people, He is risen from the dead: so the last error shall be worse than the first. 65Pilate said unto them, Ye have a watch: go your way, make it as sure as ye can. Matthew 27:62-65
There are many parts of the Bible that make me sad, but this is one of the saddest. Jesus had plainly told them that He was God. The Jewish leaders asked Him about Himself:
Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Before Abraham was, I am. John 8:58
Moses asked God what to say when the Jews asked him who had told him to lead them out of Egypt.
And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you. Exodus 3:14
“I am” is a name of God. When Jesus said, Before Abraham was, I am, He plainly declared Himself to be God; everyone who heard Him knew it. Jesus had shown His divine power by giving sight to the blind, making lame people walk, and raising the dead, something no one before Him or after Him had been able to do.
The scribes and Pharisees knew that Jesus had raised Lazarus from the dead. That may be why they understood that Jesus said He would rise from the dead. Instead of taking that miracle seriously and worshipping Jesus, however, they tried to kill Lazarus (Jn. 12:10[1]) to stop people from talking about it.
Even though they saw how Jesus’s miracles equaled the miracles in the Old Testament, they couldn’t bring themselves to believe that Jesus was God. Imagine, setting a guard on a tomb to keep God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, who spoke the world into existence, from raising Jesus from the dead!
That’s ridiculous! Why couldn’t they believe the miracles? The book of John tells us why:
Then gathered the chief priests and the Pharisees a council, and said, What do we? for this man doeth many miracles. If we let him thus alone, all men will believe on him: and the Romans shall come and take away both our place and nation. John 11:47-48
Jewish leaders knew that common people favored Jesus over them because of His miracles and because He spoke with such authority. They knew that if they lost control of the common people, the Romans would replace them with leaders who could maintain control. Acknowledging Jesus as God would mean losing their power, prestige, and wealth. They would also have to give up whatever sins they were committing.
Do those who rule us today cling to power by any means possible? Do they care about right and wrong?
People Know Right from Wrong
God gave every person a conscience. Most people know that God is pleased when they do right and is angry when they sin. Adam understood this. God gave Adam one rule – do not eat from the tree of knowledge, because if you eat it, you will die. God created Adam as a sinless, perfect being, but God gave Adam the ability to choose whether to obey God or not. For a time, Adam talked face to face with God in the Garden of Eden.
Once Adam chose to sin by disobeying God by eating the forbidden fruit, Adam was no longer perfect and could no longer talk with a holy, perfect God. Adam knew that he had broken the one rule God gave him.
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden. And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? Genesis 3:7-11
Adam’s conscience told him he had sinned so he had to hide from God. God gave everyone a conscience. God also gave us the Bible so that we can know how to be saved from our sins and be with Him in Heaven forever after we die. A friend came to a church service but left before it started. He told me, “If I accept your message, I’ll have to stop doing the things I like to do.” His conscience told him that he was doing wrong. Like the Jewish leaders, my friend didn’t want to humble himself, give up the sins he enjoyed, and follow God.
Jewish leaders loved their powerful positions; my friend loved his sin and didn’t want to give it up. Pride and love of sin are so common that few of the people we talk to accept Jesus’ life-changing offer of salvation:
Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matthew 7:13-14
The way of salvation is open to everyone, but most of the people we talk to let pride or sinful habits keep them on the broad road to destruction. We have to keep telling them, though!
I Corinthians 11:23-26 tells us to come together and celebrate the Lord ’s Supper to remind ourselves of Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection. It doesn’t leave Jesus in the grave:
For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures: And that he was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve: After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep. After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles. And last of all he was seen of me also, as of one born out of due time. I Corinthians 15:3-8
The Holy Spirit knew that the Corinthians had to be reminded that Jesus rose; the letter mentions hundreds of witnesses who saw Jesus after He rose. Paul was called a madman for preaching the resurrection:
But he said, I am not mad, most noble Festus; but speak forth the words of truth and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things, before whom also I speak freely: for I am persuaded that none of these things are hidden from him; for this thing was not done in a corner. Acts 26:25-26
Paul reminded the king that this wasn’t new - Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection were well known.
King Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that thou believest. Then Agrippa said unto Paul, Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian. Acts 26:27-28
That’s another sad passage. Agrippa had studied the Old Testament; Paul knew that Agrippa knew what the prophets had said about the coming Messiah. Like the Jewish leaders, King Agrippa chose not to believe Jesus was God, even though he knew that many people had seen that Jesus had risen from the dead.
There are two lessons from this passage: 1) We won’t see Agrippa in Heaven because he didn’t accept Christ and 2) We must gently persuade people of the truth of the Bible and of Jesus’ offer of salvation.
And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;26And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will. II Timothy 2:24-26
We must persuade as meekly, patiently, and as gently as we can, but we can do it in confidence! We must remember Jesus’ death so we remember His sacrifice that lets us be pure before God, but we must also remember that His rising from the dead shows that He has the power to keep His promise of eternal life.
The Easter Effect
Jesus Christ is unique in all of history.
“Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and I have founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded his empire upon love; and at this hour millions of men would die for him.” – Napoleon Bonaparte
On March 30, 2018, the Wall Street Journal published “The Easter Effect” which began:
In the year 312, just before his victory at the Battle of the Milvian Bridge won him the undisputed leadership of the Roman Empire, Constantine the Great had a heavenly vision of Christian symbols. That augury led him, a year later, to end all legal sanctions on the public profession of Christianity.
There’s no record of Constantine’s baptism; we don’t know whether he truly accepted Christ as his personal Savior or not. The WSJ wrote that he might have had another reason:
He was a politician who had shrewdly decided to join the winning side. By the early 4th century, Christians likely counted for between a quarter and a half of the population of the Roman Empire, and their exponential growth seemed likely to continue.
How did this happen? How did a ragtag band of nobodies from the far edges of the Mediterranean world become such a dominant force in just two and a half centuries? [emphasis added]
Starting with a tiny group of fired-up nobodies, Jesus’ message turned the world upside-down. Christianity respected and valued women far more than other cultures. Christians’ willingness to care for all the sick and not just their relatives gained them admiration, but did Christianity succeed on its merits? The Journal argues that the revolutionary success of Christianity can’t be explained without including “the Resurrection.”
… that first generation answered the question of why they were Christians with a straightforward answer: because Jesus was raised from the dead.
It’s true that there would be no Christianity without the resurrection, but that wasn’t the driving force.
Read John 20:1-10 The disciples walked with Jesus for 3 years. They saw Him raise Lazarus from the dead. He had announced that He would rise from the dead plainly enough that the chief priests understood, but the disciples didn’t understand what He was saying until they saw that He was risen.
That should encourage us. We all have moments of doubt, discouragement, and misunderstanding as we try to tell others about Christ, but like the first disciples, we can know that He is risen, as He said.
Read John 20:11-31 That, too, is encouraging. Think about how chapter 20 ends:
And many other signs truly did Jesus in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book: But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name. John 20:30-31
John wrote so we would believe. The disciples saw the signs and wonders John wrote about, they knew He had risen, they received the Holy Spirit, He told them to feed His sheep, but that didn’t get them going.
The last two verses sound like a perfect end to the gospel, but that’s not how it ends. Seeing with their own eyes that He was God with power over death and receiving the Holy Spirit should have given them courage and motivation to defy the priests and the forces of Rome to spread the Gospel, but it didn’t.
Jesus Forgives More Than We Can Understand
Peter failed often. When Jesus told His disciples that He had to die, Peter told Him it couldn’t happen. Jesus replied, “Get thee behind me, Satan” and called him an offence (Mt. 16:23[2], Mk. 8:33[3]). Peter denied Jesus 3 times during Jesus’ trial and felt terrible (Mt. 26:75[4], Lk. 22:62[5]). Jesus told the angel to tell the women, “But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter (Mark 16:7)” to let Peter know that Jesus still wanted him.
Read John 21:1-19 Not even Jesus’ resurrection got the disciples going! After watching His miracles for three years, after twice seeing the risen Christ, having been told “as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you,” and being given the Holy Ghost (John 20:21-22), Peter led some of the disciples to go back to fishing.
Jesus went after them again. Instead of being angry at His disciples, instead of rejecting them, He shared a meal and drew them back to Himself. No matter how badly you’ve messed up or sinned, Jesus receives you if you choose to ask His forgiveness, to believe in His resurrection, and to accept His forgiveness as Peter did.
After they ate, Jesus asked Peter if Peter loved Him above all else. It took three tries, but Peter saw that he, Peter, followed Jesus out of love, not because Jesus commanded him. Once they realized that they truly loved Jesus, the Savior of the world, Peter and the other disciples followed Him joyfully. These few love-driven nobodies turned the world upside-down! Your love for Jesus can turn your neighborhood upside-down and your love for your spouse can improve your marriage beyond recognition. God accepts what you have:
For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not. II Corinthians 8:12
The Wall Street Journal said people became Christian because Jesus rose from the dead. Scripture shows that His resurrection wasn’t enough. The resurrection is the foundation, but the power that drives us comes from our love for Jesus. People followed Jesus because they knew that the risen Christ loved them and they loved Him in return. Choosing to love Him gives you power to pass the word. Christianity is driven by our love-based relationships with the man, Christ Jesus. The Apostle Paul put it, “For the love of Christ constraineth us (II Cor. 5:14).”
John 21:20-25 After Peter admitted that he loved Jesus enough to serve Jesus until death, Peter asked what John would do. Jesus asked, “What is that to thee?” What others do isn’t my worry; I focus on what Jesus wants me to do. Some call this “individual soul liberty.” Jesus wants me to tell others about Him and to show them my love for Him; they answer to Jesus for how they respond to the gospel when I tell them.
Jesus told the disciples to get going and gave them the Holy Spirit, but they went fishing. They couldn’t hear the Holy Spirit until they knew their love for Christ! In I Kings 19:11-12, Elijah saw a wind tear the rock. God sent an earthquake, and fire, but God was not in these demonstrations of His power. “And after the fire a still small voice.” Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” We can’t hear God guide us if we love the noise of the world more than we love Him. Each small step of faith makes the next step easier.
Paul started building the church when Christ told him to. He kept doing it, not only because he wanted to obey Christ, but because he loved Christ and the brethren even though they gave him a hard time:
Behold, the third time I am ready to come to you; and I will not be burdensome to you: for I seek not your's but you: for the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children. And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. II Corinthians 12:14-15
Christian outreach is driven, not just by Jesus’ commands, but by our love for Him and by our love for lost people. The good news is based on His death and resurrection, but we show its power by showing lost people the power of our love for Him working in us so that we love them in His name and share in His sufferings for the sake of the gospel. Our love for Him makes us want to bear His cross:
And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ. Philippians 1:9-10
That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death; If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead. Philippians 3:10-11
Our love for Christ improves our judgment and keeps us focused on what’s excellent! When we’re witnessing, nobody cares how much we know until they first know how much we care about them!
By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. John 13:35
Love in Other Relationships
Christ commanded us to “Love one another;” that phrase appears 12 times in the New Testament. Our love starts in the home, as husband and wife show fervent love for each other and their children. It spreads into the church as loving couples love other members. When lost people see our love for each other and watch us sharing God’s grace by forgiving each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves. The church is founded on the resurrection, but love for Christ is still what turns the world upside-down!
From her youth up, my wife wanted to marry, bear children, and guide a house (I Ti. 5:14). That is an immense amount of work. “Man may work from sun to sun; woman's work is never done.”
Why does she pour her life into our home? Is it because she promised in our wedding vows more than 50 years ago? That helps, but her love for her family and for Christ drives her. II Thessalonians 3:13 commands, “But ye, brethren, be not weary in well doing.”
What gives her energy? What keeps her keep on keeping on? As Christ’s love gives us power to go forward for Him, my love, appreciation, encouragement, support, and love give her power to recharge her emotions and keep guiding our house. As the Holy Spirit reminds us of Jesus’ love when we’re discouraged, I must remind her hourly of my love for her. My love drives me to work to earn the money to take care of her. As with Paul and the church, I gladly spend and am spent for her, our children, and our church.
Duty is involved, of course. Jesus spoke of His servants being obliged to do their duty to Him:
So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do. Luke 17:10
The military knows this. You get a “Good Conduct” ribbon for obeying orders, but medals are given for heroism “Above and Beyond the Call of Duty.” You must serve the Lord and your spouse Above and Beyond the Call of Duty for you to prosper. That’s how to be a hero in the military and in your home. Military heroes get dead. Day-to-day heroes are worthy ambassadors for the Lord Christ and keep relationships healthy.
Duty determines what a wife must do; love is the fuel that keeps her going. Isaiah 61:3 speaks of the “oil of joy;” love is the oil that keeps her flame of duty bright. A wife needs to know that she’s loved and appreciated. I Cor. 11:9 teaches that women are made for men. God designed a wife’s emotions so that she cares very much about her husband’s view of her. I Cor. 7:34 teaches that a woman wants to please her husband. I must give her time to read the Bible, practice the piano, do voice exercises, and study her Sunday School lessons so she can serve the church but I must also strive to be sure she feels appreciated.
As she looks to Jesus, the love of Christ constrains her to serve her home and family, but her love for me helps her find the energy to keep on. The power in marriage comes from the man’s love for his wife.
Love is a Burden
In the movie “Bruce Almighty,” Bruce complained that God wasn't managing things properly. God gave Bruce the power to hear prayers and decide which ones to answer, but he could not interfere with free will.
Bruce had criticized his girlfriend who loved him deeply. He heard her praying fervently that God would take away her love for him because caring so much how he felt about her was too painful.
The book “Unprotected” by Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why a woman can be hurt so badly when a man to whom she’s given herself turns out to have no feeling for her at all. Realizing that she was no more than a sex toy who was played with and discarded can be very destructive to a woman.
Pro. 17:22 teaches, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” I’ve seen this play out. My mother played hymns for church and taught three sons to play the piano. Her mission letters got our family 300% support. Dad never let her know he appreciated her gifts even though her gifts were useful to his ministry. He didn’t spend the time he should have invested in making sure she felt loved.
We were missionaries to Japan, and the Japanese language is extremely difficult. My dad was grateful to Japanese colleagues who helped him arrange tickets and travel schedules. This would have been nearly impossible for either him or for my mother because of the language.
He was right to appreciate their help, but he never told my mother he appreciated her efforts to “guide our house” in a strange culture when her Japanese wasn’t good enough to have women friends who could help her with all the strange foods. Not feeling appreciated by the man she loved dried my mother’s bones.
My mother never understood why my wife, whose gifts were so similar to hers, was loved and appreciated while her gifts were not valued.[6] Even though she was convinced that her wedding vows had been said to God as well as to my dad (Mal. 2:14[7]), she was slowly deciding that she would have to leave my dad. Like the woman in “Bruce Almighty,” the pain of not being loved was more than she could bear.
Instead of leaving her when she was diagnosed with cancer, my dad took early retirement and nursed her for the rest of her life. The pain of feeling unloved for all those decades had gone so deep that it took years of dad cleaning up her messes when chemotherapy made her throw up before she felt loved.
When she died at 62, mom was convinced that he cared deeply about her. Her mother lived to 95. Given the choice of living 30 more years feeling unloved or dying in confidence she was valued, she’d have chosen early death. For my mother, the certainly of being loved and appreciated was more precious than life itself.
Love must be Expressed
I was blessed when my wife told me of her incredible need to talk with me before we married. She told me she was looking forward to being married, not for my reason, but “because we can talk more in one day of marriage then in a week of dating.” She made meeting her desired level of conversation and considering her views when making decisions part of our marriage covenant.
It turned out that she also expected me to open my heart to her and supply at least 1/3 of the words as we our talk went back and forth. How else could we become one as Jesus expected (Matthew 19:6[8])? How can we know Him without asking Him for wisdom and meditating on the answers?
Opening my heart to her was frightening and it took about 2 years of intense open-hearted talk to become accustomed to her way of thinking, but that gave my wife the confidence that she was loved, something my mother didn’t have until just before she died. Knowing she’s loved and appreciated makes her happy.
The “Strong, Silent Type”
A man's emotions are as powerful as a woman's. A man who loves a woman can be as hurt as a woman who loves a man, so some men try not to feel love. Men know that talking will teach their wives enough about them to be able to hurt them. So many men do this that we have a proverb, “He’s the Strong, Silent type.”
My close friend who was best man at my wedding saw the joy I receive from having my wife like belonging to me. Whenever he talked of marriage, we told him to find a wife in church. He was skeptical. “Are you saying that only Christians can have happy marriages?”
Some years later, he told us he had gotten married semi-secretly. He'd been living with her and married when he decided to start a family. He didn't say much, but it was pretty clear that it wasn't going smoothly.
Proverbs 12:4 says, “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” I’ve seen that, too. My friend’s wife did many things to shame him, even in front of my teen-aged sons. It was no surprise to hear that he’d had a serious heart attack.
As we sat in the hospital waiting area, his wife was furious, “How dare he die and leave me all alone!” I told her some of the things we’d done together in college. She was incredulous – he had never told her much of himself. Instead of sharing himself and his life with his wife and daughter, he’d remained an island.
His wife died a year later. They’d had a fight and she drove off to a meeting. On the way back, she went off the road. She hated seatbelts and counted on the airbag. The airbag blew her out of her car and killed her.
A Wife is a Gift from God
The Bible is serious in saying that it is not good for a man to be alone. Dad hadn’t realized that my mother had been the axle on which the wheel of his life turned. Without her, he began to die. In spite of his wife’s bringing stress into his life to literally rot his bones, my friend was lost after her death. He finally admitted to me and to his daughter that he’d loved her very much and that it would have been better for both of them if she’d known that. Would they have had fewer fights? Would a calmer home have prevented his heart attack?
Having created Peter, Jesus knew that Peter would have a hard time admitting that he loved Jesus. Did Jesus asking Peter about love make Peter love Jesus? Or did Peter already love Jesus, but wasn’t willing to admit it, even to himself? This is a common problem.
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
My mother did not believe that my father loved her. He said he did with his mouth, he honored her with his lips, but he didn’t convince her. Although his actions finally showed my mother his love, my father didn’t admit to himself that he loved and appreciated his wife until after she was gone. My friend did the same.
Both my friend and my dad would have been a great deal happier if they had convinced their wives of their love. That would have made the women happier. The Bible states five times that an unhappy woman is a hardship. There’s a saying, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” What’s the opposite?
There is no joy this side of Heaven for a man that compares with having a woman be happy to belong to him. What makes a woman happy? It’s taught in the Song of Solomon – she likes hearing that she’s loved and appreciated often enough that she and her friends are convinced.
Why wouldn’t Peter admit to himself that he loved Jesus? Why wouldn’t my father or my friend admit to themselves that they loved their wives? Why don’t husbands let their wives know they’re loved? Is it fear?
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18
It was reasonable for Peter to fear letting himself love Jesus enough to follow Him. He’d seen Jesus weep near Lazarus’ tomb. Jesus wept because He knew that some who saw Him resurrect Lazarus would reject Him and go to Hell. Peter may have realized how badly rejection would hurt him if he tried to feed Jesus’ sheep. Peter had seen how the rulers treated Jesus, and Jesus had warned His disciples how they would be hated:
And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that endureth to the end shall be saved. Matthew 10:22
Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. Matthew 24:9
Men are generally reluctant to admit their feelings. Beyond that, knowing what would happen if he followed Jesus could have contributed to Peter’s not wanting to admit his love for Jesus. Paul gave us a hint:
And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. II Corinthians 12:15
Paul knew that other Christians didn’t always return his love. Loving someone makes me vulnerable to how that person treats me. The more I love my wife, the more she could hurt me if she wanted to.
Some husbands are too afraid of being hurt to let their wives know how vulnerable love makes them. Consider Proverbs 31. Who wrote it?
The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him. Proverbs 31:1
Most of Proverbs is father to son. Proverbs 2 and 5 show that a man can teach his son about bad women, but chapter 31 shows that it’s a mother who teaches her son about good women. What does she say?
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. Proverbs 31:10-13
Men, the Bible teaches that you can trust your heart to your wife. A virtuous wife does her husband good and not evil. She could put a knife to his heart, but she’ll take care to speak kindly so she won’t shred him:
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
A non-virtuous woman can damage a man, of course. My wife took a friend to visit her husband who was dying in a nursing home. He respected my wife because he could see her love for him, her love for his wife, and her hope that their relationship would work better. The last time she saw him, he finally paid attention to her gospel message. At a critical point, his wife interrupted, changed the subject, and ended the discussion.
“I could see he was listening to you,” his wife said after he died. “I didn’t want him to go to Heaven; I wanted him to go to Hell because of how he treated me.” Her emotions remained deeply engaged in spite of all the hurt he’d inflicted on her after taking her before marriage and beating her when he was drunk. She missed him deeply in spite of the hurt and suffered major trauma every year on the anniversary of his death.
My friend’s wife, who seemed to be trying to hurt him, wasn’t virtuous. He hadn’t sought a virtuous woman, he failed to protect her virtue before they were married, and he refused to seek forgiveness from either her, her parents, or from God. God commands men to avoid fornication, that is, sex outside marriage:
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit. I Thessalonians 4:3-8
The first step in sanctifying a woman is marrying her before taking her. How often does a man persuade a woman to yield to his lusts by claiming to love her? Isn’t that what Samson did to Delilah? Absent the sanctification of marriage, its only lust which God calls “fraud” and which God will avenge.
We know from news reports about dates gone wrong that being defrauded by being taken outside marriage can harm a woman badly and make her bitter. My friend’s wife’s bitterness made him miserable.
God gave him the desire of his heart when he took her before marriage, but defrauding her and taking advantage of her brought leanness into his soul (Psalm 106:15). Fraud followed by bitterness isn’t a good foundation for marriage. My friend didn’t want to take responsibility for defrauding her and he refused to try to heal the damage he’d done, so the situation couldn’t improve.
Men, the way you conduct your marriage to a virtuous woman, like Christianity, should be driven by your love for Christ and for her. John 3:16 teaches that God loves “the world,” but God’s love doesn’t do a sinner any good unless we convince the sinner.
Your love doesn’t do your wife any good unless you convince her, over and over, and show that you mean it by nourishing her and caring for her needs (1 Jn. 3:18[9]). This isn’t just food, clothing, and shelter; it’s letting her be one with you. Philippians 2:3 teaches that we should esteem others better than ourselves. Marriage prospers when husband and wife choose to engage the driving power of their love for each other.
The resurrection didn’t drive the disciples to turn the world upside-down, evangelism didn’t get going until the disciples realized they loved Jesus, after which, as Paul put it, “the love of Christ constraineth us.” Once they knew their love for Him, there was no stopping them short of death.
Jesus demonstrated love in action and His suffering shows the cost of loving others. When His disciples allowed themselves to feel the power of His love, their message couldn’t be stopped regardless of persecution. If we animate ourselves with His love, we can’t be contained either:
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned. Song 8:7
Your marriage won’t really get going until you both recognize your love for each other and let that love constrain you to serve each other as Paul served Christ and the church. It starts with the husband loving his wife (Eph. 5:25[10], Col. 3:19[11]). If you draw on the power of Jesus’ love, your love can’t be contained.
Relatively few marriages are based on mutual love, affection, respect, and sacrifice as described in the Song of Solomon. Most people marry to get instead of marrying to give because that’s how human nature often expresses itself. Marrying to give is an upside-down idea, but that’s how we get God’s blessings.
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it. Luke 9:24
When lost people see husband and wife losing their individual lives and passing God’s love, forgiveness, and grace back and forth between them, they’ll want to hear how they can have God’s love for themselves, and God has given us the honor of laboring together with Him (1 Cor. 3:9[12]) to tell them how to get it.
Now when they had passed through Amphipolis and Apollonia, they came to Thessalonica, where was a synagogue of the Jews: 2And Paul, as his manner was, went in unto them, and three sabbath days reasoned with them out of the scriptures, 3Opening and alleging, that Christ must needs have suffered, and risen again from the dead; and that this Jesus, whom I preach unto you, is Christ. 4And some of them believed, and consorted with Paul and Silas; and of the devout Greeks a great multitude, and of the chief women not a few. 5But the Jews which believed not, moved with envy, took unto them certain lewd fellows of the baser sort, and gathered a company, and set all the city on an uproar, and assaulted the house of Jason, and sought to bring them out to the people. 6And when they found them not, they drew Jason and certain brethren unto the rulers of the city, crying, These that have turned the world upside down are come hither also; 7Whom Jason hath received: and these all do contrary to the decrees of Caesar, saying that there is another king, one Jesus. Acts 17:1-7
Christianity is a thinking faith; Paul reasoned with Jews who knew the Old Testament scriptures. For people who don’t know the Bible, we need to reason with them out of common sense by showing that the changes Jesus made were good for everyone in society except for kings and other rulers. We can show anyone that in addition to offering everyone way to repent, have sins forgiven, enjoy the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:19-23), and live forever with Christ in Heaven, Jesus’ gospel improves society, one person at a time.
That’s how we turn our part of the world upside-down!
Chapter 2 - The Many Ways Jesus Turned the World Upside-Down
Jesus’ gospel turned the world upside-down in many ways. His empty tomb shows the uniqueness of Christianity - all other religious founders died and stayed dead. Jesus died publicly on the cross, having been wrongly condemned to death by the ruling powers. Many witnesses saw that He conquered death by coming back to life (1 Cor. 15:6). That’s unique, but some of God’s other actions are nearly as surprising.
Choosing the Jews to be His People
The LORD did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because ye were more in number than any people; for ye were the fewest of all people: 8But because the LORD loved you, and because he would keep the oath which he had sworn unto your fathers, hath the LORD brought you out with a mighty hand, and redeemed you out of the house of bondmen, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Deuteronomy 7:7-8
God chose to give the Jews His blessings out of love. Other gods are takers; ours is the only God who loves and gives. God expected His people to show non-Jews the benefits of belonging to God:
Behold, I [Moses] have taught you statutes and judgments, even as the LORD my God commanded me, that ye should do so in the land whither ye go to possess it. 6Keep therefore and do them; for this is your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the nations, which shall hear all these statutes, and say, Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people. 7For what nation is there so great, who hath God so nigh unto them, as the LORD our God is in all things that we call upon him for? 8And what nation is there so great, that hath statutes and judgments so righteous as all this law, which I set before you this day? Deuteronomy 4:5-8
God expected His chosen people to show other nations the blessings God had given them so that others would appreciate the benefits of choosing to belong to God. God expects Christians to spread His Gospel!
Freeing the Slaves
The idea of God taking the side of insignificant, valueless Jews who had been slaves for hundreds of years was hard for Pharaoh to believe. Most rulers claim that God favors powerful people – Louis IV’s motto was “Dieu et mon droit” meaning “God and my right.” Kings and tyrants claim a God-given right to do whatever they want and to kill whomever they want. God using miracles to free slaves was completely upside-down.
God wants to deal directly with people instead of going through priests, imams, rabbis, or religious authorities. God had direct fellowship with Adam and Eve in the garden. After they sinned, they could no longer be in His presence, but God still wanted to talk to His people. He told Abraham to move to Canaan, He told Moses to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt, and He told them He wanted to speak to them:
And ye shall be unto me a kingdom of priests, and an holy nation. Exodus 19:6a
And they said unto Moses, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die. Exodus 20:19
The People Wouldn’t talk to God
Speaking only to Moses was not what God wanted; He wanted each of His people to relate to Him as Adam and Eve had and to leaders He appointed. The people didn’t want to relate to God. They wanted Moses to talk to God and tell them what God said rather than hearing God themselves. How many Christians would rather the pastor told them what the Bible says instead of studying it themselves?
That was sad – very sad – they had all heard God speak, and lived, but they didn’t want to relate to God. They wanted to look only to a man as their example instead of taking responsibility for learning from God. This was a huge burden for Moses. It worked well, but only because Moses didn’t abuse his authority:
(Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.) Numbers 12:3
“Meek” doesn’t mean “weak;” it means “Showing patience and humility; gentle.” Most leaders are tempted to abuse their authority and to insist that everyone bow unto the position God has given:
Then spake Jesus to the multitude, and to his disciples, 2Saying The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: 3All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. 4For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers. Matthew 23:1-4
The scribes and the Pharisees were neither meek nor humble. Jesus criticized them for abusing the power of “Moses' seat (Mt. 23:2)” by misusing their position God had put between ordinary people and Him.
Because the people refused to speak directly to God, Solomon’s temple had a curtain between the Holy Place and the Most Holy Place. Only the High Priest could enter the Most Holy Place once per year. This curtain, known as the “temple veil,” blocked everyone except the High Priest from direct access to God. This is what the term “Moses’ seat” meant.
Jesus Gave Us the Priesthood God Wanted
Jesus death ended Moses’ seat. He gave Christians the priesthood God had wanted to give to the Jews:
And the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom. Mark 15:3
Ye also, as lively stones, are built up a spiritual house, an holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices, acceptable to God by Jesus Christ. I Peter 2:5, see also Rev. 1:6
But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light; I Peter 2:9
Jesus’ death tore down the barrier between ordinary people and God and brought the “priesthood of all believers.” This was upside-down, nobody imagined ordinary people approaching God without permission.
Kings and Peasants Approach God the Same Way
Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons: Acts 10:34
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
But the anointing which ye have received of him abideth in you, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him. I John 2:27
God expects everyone, kings or peasants, to approach Him and follow His rules in the same way. Many rulers and leaders feel that expecting them to follow God’s rules is totally upside-down.
Love your Enemies
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. Matthew 5:43-45
What could be more upside-down than loving your enemies instead of hating them?
God Values the Poor Equally with the Rich
And he looked up, and saw the rich men casting their gifts into the treasury. 2And he saw also a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites. 3And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, that this poor widow hath cast in more than they all: 4For all these have of their abundance cast in unto the offerings of God: but she of her penury hath cast in all the living that she had. Luke 21:1-4
Most gods value you in proportion to how much money you give. The “prosperity gospel” is false! God values what we sacrifice to give to Him regardless of how much or little. Upside-down!
Love One Another as God Loves You
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 35By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. John 13:34-35
Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth. I Corinthians 10:24
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. I John 4:11
We’re supposed to love other people and serve them instead of focusing on our own benefit. We work to please God and do His will out of love for Him and not because we’re afraid He’ll whack us.
God Values Women Equally With Men
… there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28b
The Bible declares that men and women are of equal value to God. They are both saved in the same way, both receive the same Holy Spirit, and both can approach God at any time. Christianity respects and values women far more than other faiths or cultures. In Christ, women could approach God without permission from religious authorities or husbands! How upside-down!
God Expects Leaders to Serve their Followers
The Bible states that a wife should obey her husband, but it also tells husbands and all leaders to lead by serving their followers, not by arbitrary decree:
And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
Having husbands lead their families by serving them and letting women approach God without a man’s permission were not quite as unexpected as the empty tomb, but were just as upside-down. Meekness blesses men because women find it much easier to follow a strong, meek husband and submit to him.
A Man Should Give His Life For His Wife
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
This is an act of will, a deliberate decision, not an emotion or feeling. A man must choose to dedicate his life to serving, nourishing, and cherishing his wife as Christ died for the church. Jesus watches over us and nourishes us to make us a “glorious church,” and be “holy and without blemish.”
In like manner, a husband must sanctify his wife to present her to himself as a glorious wife.
We Labor Together with God
For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
What an honor! When we meet together, we work with God. “Husbandry[13]” is taking care of a farm. A church is God’s farm where God grows us and builds us, and we’re supposed to help Him do that!
I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. 7So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase. I Corinthians 3:6-7
When we tell people about Jesus, about God’s love for the poor and lowly, we plant and water the church. God gives increase as He draws people to the point of being willing to listen to what we tell them about Him.
Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead four days. … 41Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead was laid. And Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, Father, I thank thee that thou hast heard me. John 11:39, 4
Jesus then raised Lazarus from the dead and had the men unwrap him. He could have moved the stone and unwrapped Lazarus, but giving men a part in His miracle helped them believe. The blind man had to wash in the Pool of Siloam (Jn. 9:7-11). Naaman the Syrian had to wash in the Jordan (2 Ki. 5). Here’s another:
And Isaac intreated the LORD for his wife, because she was barren: and the LORD was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived. Genesis 25:21
Isaac had to pray that God would allow his wife to become pregnant even though God had promised Abraham that Isaac’s child would carry Abraham’s family line. God had promised that Isaac’s wife would extend Abraham’s family, so why did Isaac have to pray? God wanted Isaac to have a part in His plan.
God wants us to work with Him. He involves us in carrying out His purposes; no god does that. God had promised Eve that her line would include a Savior who would bruise Satan’s head. Isaac was part of that, but Isaac had to labor together with God in prayer to bring it about. We must labor for this promise:
If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. II Chronicles 7:14
This promise was given to the Jews, and we are grafted into God’s vine along with them (Rom 11:17-24). God wants to revive our lands – He has done it many times, but we must pray and meet His conditions.
Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. 14Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: 15And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. James 5:13-15
“Afflicted” means “grievously affected or troubled (as by a disease): mentally or physically impaired.” Paul asked God to remove the thorn from his flesh, but God refused (2 Cor. 12:7-9). We can pray to God about any concern, but this passage gave special instruction to the sick.
A sick person can call on the elders of the church to pray and anoint the sick person with oil “in the name of the Lord” but, as with any other prayer, nothing will happen unless the sufferer asks. Would sick Christians get well faster if we labored together with God by praying and doing in this manner?
Other gods do whatever they do without human involvement. Working with God is upside-down!
How Upside-Down Does God Expect Us to Be?
Expecting powerful people to follow God’s laws just like everyone else, valuing poor people as much as He values rich people who contribute a lot more, valuing women and relating to them in the same way He relates to men, God expecting rulers to serve their subjects and husbands to serve their wives, working with God as he builds His church, how much more upside-down can we get?
Every tyrant tries to hide the Bible from ordinary people – it’s the most revolutionary book ever written!
Chapter 3 - Friday Night - Seminar Opening Message – The Simplicity of Marriage
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Genesis 1:1
All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. John 1:3
God made all things. He made physics and started the flow of time. He made chemistry and biology including you and me being “fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14).” Gravity is one of God’s laws!
If I jump off the roof, no matter how I flap my arms, I’ll fall, right? Suppose I broke my leg, could I cry, “How could a loving God let me get hurt?” Would you feel sorry, or would you say, “You fool; you break God’s law of gravity, you fall down and go splat. It’s your own stupid fault!” Wouldn’t you say that?
We know what gravity does, but nobody knows how it works – that’s a big problem in physics. We know that God made men and women, but few understand how women and men should come together even though the Bible explains how to be blessed in marriage. Nobody complains when breaking the law of gravity hurts, yet many men and women casually break God’s laws of marriage and complain when they’re hurt!
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: Isaiah 1:18
Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
Even with Heaven and Hell in the balance, we persuade. Christianity is a thinking faith, God appeals to our minds and to our hearts. God is a God of purpose and plan (Isaiah 14:26-27, 23:9, 43:13, 46:11, Jer. 4:28, Rom. 8:28), there is logic in all He does. We’re told to reason together with God to find out His rules.
For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
What an honor! When we meet together, we work with God. “Husbandry” is caring for a farm. A church is God’s farm where God grows us, nourishes us, and builds us! Right now, we’re building marriages.
God made all things. He has “creator’s rights,” He made the rules including gravity. God made salvation and marriage. If you try to get to Heaven your own way instead of God’s way, you go to Hell when you die. If you try your own way of marriage instead of God’s way, you can make life Hell on earth.
Jesus told Nicodemus, “Ye must be born again (John 3:7).” You must choose to repent from your sins, that is, turn away from your sins, you must choose to die to your former life in order to be born again.
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
Jesus expects us to die to our former lives and be born again into marriage with Him so we can bring fruit to God (Mal. 2:15). Revelation 19:9 speaks of “the marriage supper of the Lamb.” 2 Cor. 11:2 teaches that the church is the bride of Christ where we are united in marriage with Jesus in Heaven forever.
For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Exodus 34:14
For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. II Corinthians 11:2
The Bible describes the relationship between bride and groom and between God and His people with the same word - marriage. God expects us to be faithful to Him and to our spouses.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
Only Praise
Salvation is two words, “only believe (Lk. 7:50).” God’s rule for a man and woman coming together is three words, “only in marriage.” Staying married is as simple as salvation, it’s two words, “only praise.”
I was making an appointment. The young lady saw that I treasured my wife and asked how long we’d been married. When I told her 52 years, she wanted to know how we’d stayed married. I gave her the 2 words.
Her eyes bugged out. “That’s hard!” she complained. “What do I do if I’m really upset at him?” “Are you an adult, or are you a child?” I asked. “We teach little kids not to lose their temper, not to throw angry words by the time they’re 2, age 3 at the latest. If you can’t keep your temper, are you grown up enough to marry?”
Everyone has trouble keeping back angry words. Accepting Christ’s offer of forgiveness for your sins and asking Him into your heart helps overcome old habits. Jesus Forgives More Than We Can Understand on page 6 shows how He forgave His disciples when they ignored His command to start His church and went fishing instead. He will forgive you and help you straighten out your life if you choose to believe in Him and ask for His help. Handling Conflict on page 41 shows how to handle disagreement without angry words.
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
God begins a “good work (Phi. 1:6)” in you when you accept salvation. As you grow in Christ, you put on “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)”. This helps you treat your spouse and everybody else with kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness (Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13). This is something you choose to do.
The Song of Solomon teaches that couples must praise each other often. Moses warned that the Jews would lose everything unless they loved God with grateful hearts and gave thanks for everything He gave:
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
God’s people didn’t appreciate the blessings He gave them so He took everything away. They were in want of “all things.” We often take His gifts for granted. “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.” Thanking God for marriage and thanking our spouses for wanting to live with us keeps marriage alive. Praising God for what He has given us takes our minds off worrying about what He hasn’t given.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:28-29, 31 *
Proverbs 31:1 tells us King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his wife. She told him to teach his children to bless their mother and that he should praise his wife by telling their children that she was the best wife and mother in the world. The Song of Solomon shows a man praising his wife in every little detail. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Marriages suffer when that rule is ignored.
Women like details being noticed. When you comment on little things, she knows you’re paying attention. If a spy disguised herself to be your wife, could you tell anyone how to tell her from the imposter? My wife has light fur on her nose. You can’t see the fur unless the light’s just right, but I noticed. Her thumbs bend way backward; I don’t understand how she can play the piano. She likes my noticing, appreciating, and praising little details. Remember, nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Really?
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Job 2:9
Job’s wife lost her seven sons who were her only hope of being fed after her husband died – no pensions. Her husband lost his money and was speaking of dying – she’d had a tough week. He said she spoke “like a foolish woman.” That implied she wasn’t usually foolish, it was halfway a compliment. He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her. Every wife knows the difference. Ever hear “love the sinner, hate the sin?”
But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: Ephesians 4:15
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
I want my words to be health to my wife so she’ll want to hear me. I say, “That didn’t work as well as we planned. What went wrong? Let’s learn to do better next time.” I say “we” because she tries to do everything the way I want it done. That puts me in everything she does.
When you die, people will remember the very last thing they heard you say. Any words which wouldn’t please you as a last memory of you shouldn’t be said. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything:
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, / Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit / Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, / Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” ― Omar Khayyám
Men, criticizing your wives is unbiblical, end of story. God expects you to choose to praise and not criticize. 1 Sam. 25 tells how Abigail criticized her husband Nabal to David. In 1 Sam. 25:34, David thanked her for talking him out of murdering Nabal. When Nabal died, David married Abigail immediately. If you can’t criticize so sweetly that any man who hears you will want to marry you, don’t criticize your husband.
Husbands and Wives Want to Please Each Other
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34 *
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
A husband wants to please his wife in a fumbling, masculine way but she’s made for him, he’s not made for her. She’ll understand him better than he understands her and she’ll want to please him more than he wants to please her. Pleasing her husband is so important to a wife that she’ll be unhappy if she isn’t convinced that he’s pleased with her. Proverbs warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24, 27:15) that an unhappy wife is a hardship, even the lost say, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” This is how it works:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67 *
· Isaac supplied the tent. A marriage proposal that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t Biblical.
· She became his wife instead of his concubine because of their public marriage vows before he took her.
· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God made every wife to be a great comfort her husband, but she must first be convinced that he loves her. This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation as taught in the Song of Solomon. She can’t comfort him unless she feels appreciated.
We’re taught to praise God throughout the Bible – if we don’t, we can be in want of all things (Deu. 28:47-48). God intended marriage to be a great blessing. If we don’t choose to express daily detailed praise to God for creating marriage and to each other for entering marriage, we can lose the joy God intended for us.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
Men, don’t dry your wife’s bones. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wants to please you? She can’t please you if she doesn’t know what you want. The only way she can be confident of pleasing you is for you to open your heart enough for her to learn your ways in detail. When a woman finds she can’t please her husband no matter how she tries, we often see death in her eyes, even in photographs. Men, if you want to be happy in marriage, be happy with your wife. That makes her happy. There is no joy this side of Heaven that compares with having your wife be happy in belonging to you.
Salvation is “only believe.” Marriage is “only praise,” and that goes both ways.
God Demonstrates His Love and His Holiness in a way Everyone Sees!
Marriages run on love between husband and wife. “Marriage” also describes the relationship between God and His people. Couples base their love for each other on their love for God and God’s love for them. We must understand God’s love for us to understand marriage. My mother taught me about God’s love:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
Lost people sometimes tell me God couldn’t possibly love them because of all their sins. They know the difference between right and wrong, they “shew the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness (Ro. 2:15).” The Bible teaches that such people must be persuaded that God loves them enough to forgive them because they already know that their sins have violated His holiness:
Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life. 22And of some have compassion, making a difference: 23And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh. Jude 1:21-23
Once they understand God’s love enough to truly love Him, they’ll follow His commands because they want to please Him. As the Apostle Paul put it, “For the love of Christ constraineth us: (2 Cor. 5:14).”
Some people are saved by being told about Hell, others by being shown that God loves them. We’ll discuss God’s love first because “keeping ourselves in the love of God” is the foundation of marriage:
By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. John 13:35
If wife and husband feast on God’s love, it’s easier to love each other and to love everyone else in the church. That’s how we show the world that we belong to Jesus. To be fair to people who doubt God’s love, it is hard to understand how a Holy, perfect God can love wretched sinners like you and me (Ps. 8:4, Heb. 2:6). God knew that, so He not only told us in His Word that He loves us, He gave us mothers to show every one of us how His unconditional love works.
I understood sin because my mother objected and punished me when I disobeyed. I learned forgiveness because my mother loved me enough to forgive me. I understood confession and repentance (2 Jn. 1:9) because life went better when I admitted my wrongs and tried not to do it again.
Mom and Dad taught me what I needed to know to accept Christ as my Savior when I was in 2nd grade. I loved Jesus because He loved me enough (Ro. 5:8) to accept the punishment for my sins – taking the punishment for my brothers’ sins was hard for me to think about.
I didn’t realize that Jesus loved me far more than “just” being willing to take on the evil of all my sins and lose His close fellowship with His Father (Ps. 22:1, Mt. 27:46, Mk. 15:34). I thought that when Adam soiled himself through sin and our perfect God could no longer associate with polluted Adam, Jesus agreed that He would become sin for us so that we could be washed clean enough to be with God in Heaven. That’s because I was a child when I accepted Christ. As the Apostle Paul put it:
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. I Corinthians 13:11
I was 14 when I saw the difference between how true Christians behave and how everybody else behaves. Once I understood the difference between the saved and the unsaved, I had to choose a side as Joshua and Elijah chose to be on God’s side (Jos. 24:15, 1 Ki. 18:21). I remember standing in the hall and deciding that I really did love Jesus, so I couldn’t be friends with some of the people in the school. At some point, every Christian must decide whether to follow the crowd or to stand for Christ (Eze. 22:30).
Years later, I understood that Jesus knew Adam would sin before He said “let there be light” to start creating the world. Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough to create us anyway!
It’s hard to understand Jesus loving us enough to die for us long before we were even born. God shows us mothers who willingly risk death to give their children life. Before modern medicine, a woman had roughly 98.5% chance of surviving a pregnancy. That sounds like death in childbirth was unlikely, but without birth control, women had so many pregnancies that 1 woman in 8 died in childbirth.
Every girl knew someone who had died in childbirth (Ge. 35:18, 1 Sam. 4:20). Every girl knew that she would walk the valley of the shadow of death for each child, yet women wanted to marry and bear children (Ge.30:1, Lk. 1:25) anyway. Women want children badly enough to risk death; Jesus wanted so badly to create us that He chose certain death!
Jesus knew He would weep when people He loved wouldn’t accept His offer of salvation (Is. 53:3, Mt. 23:37, Lk. 13:34) and that He would have to die to save us from our sins, yet He created the world which led to my birth anyway. I was born before antibiotics could fight childbed infections. My mother risked her life to give me life and did it again and again for my two brothers. Being glad to give her life is woman’s part of Ge. 5:1-2 “in the likeness of God made he him,” and “he [that is, God] called their name Adam” to include Eve.
I thanked my mother for teaching that God loved me and for showing me her love (Is. 49:15) so I could believe in God’s love. I thanked her for feeding me and changing diapers to keep me alive, but she died before I matured enough to thank her for risking her life for my sake. Tell your mother you appreciate her wanting you in spite of the peril, pain, and bloodshed of giving birth (Pr. 31:28-29). Then thank Jesus for creating you in spite of knowing that He would have to die to take the punishment for your sins (Jn. 15:3).
Death in childbirth is less common than it was, but it happens. Your mother risked her life to give you life, shed her blood in painful labor to birth you, then labored to keep you alive; Jesus died to give you more abundant life (Jn. 10:10) followed by life eternal (Mt 25:46, Jn. 4:36, 12:25, 17:3). Thank them both, often.
What did you do to earn Jesus’ giving His life and His blood (He. 9:12, 9:22) to pay the penalty for your sins and my sins? Nothing. There is nothing we can do to earn salvation (Is. 64:6, Ro. 3:10), it is an undeserved gift of God (Eph. 2:8-9). Jesus died to give us life because He loves us (Ez. 33:11, Ro. 5:8).
If someone gave you a birthday gift, would you hand over money to pay for it? That would refuse the gift. Trying to get to Heaven by being good, being religious, going to church, tithing, doing good deeds, is not only impossible (Ro. 3:11), trying to earn your way into Heaven blocks you from accepting Jesus’ free offer of salvation (Gal. 5:4). You’re trying to pay for a feely-offered gift whose price is far more than you can ever pay.
What did you do to earn your mother’s risking her life to give you life and then pouring her life into keeping you alive and teaching you how to behave as an adult? Nothing. She risked her life before she knew anything about you. She gave her life freely based on the drives God put into her and looked forward eagerly to your birth as she felt God forming you within her womb (Is. 49:5).
Some mothers harm their children and some choose not to teach them. Is that what God wanted? Of course not, this is because of the sin which came into the world when Adam refused to confess his sin and would not ask God to forgive him. God asked Adam, “Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat (Ge. 3:11)?” God has promised to forgive our sins if we confess:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
God doesn’t change (Mal. 3:6). God would have forgiven Adam if he’d confessed. Instead of admitting his sin, Adam blamed Eve for giving him the fruit and blamed God for giving him Eve!
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
God told Adam to keep the garden (Gen. 2:15), which meant to protect it. Gen. 3:6 says “she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.” Note two important words “with her!” Adam was with her the entire time! Why did he let the serpent deceive his wife? Why didn’t he protect his wife whom God had trusted to his care?
Be realistic, men, blaming your wives when things go wrong won’t help you any more than it helped Adam, you are the leader, so it’s on you. God designed women’s minds and hearts carefully so that a mother’s love for her children usually gives a picture of His love for us, His children. Adam’s sin brought so much sin into the world that a few mothers fail to love their children as God planned.
Mothers may reject children when men reject mothers after getting them pregnant outside marriage. Women blame the father even though they wanted children and stopped taking birth control pills without telling anyone. Rejected mothers may reject a child who looks or acts enough like the father to remind her that the child’s father sinned against her by taking her outside marriage even though she wanted his baby.
Even if the father stays with the woman, he may resent the child because in his mind, the mother got herself pregnant by stopping her pills without his agreement. The mother got a baby, but at what cost?
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
We know cases where the father accepted later children after he agreed to be their father. His resentment of his oldest and his acceptance of his younger children are evident to anyone who knows the family years later. What can we say when relatives asked why kids are treated so differently?
God loves fathers, mothers, and children in such cases, but the parents’ violation of His holiness by breaking His rules about sex brings leanness into their souls. This comes from birth control. Before the pill, a man knew that if he and a woman came together, he’d be a father within a year. Couples can now convince themselves that God doesn’t care that they’re breaking His laws when they “play house.”
If a woman’s on the pill, a man feels she expects to have sex, why not with him? If she isn’t on the pill, she can say “I’ll get pregnant. Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.” That’s taught in Ge. 24:67. If a man’s offer to a woman doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical. If he can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her and discard her. God hates that!
A man may have some vague head knowledge about pregnancy, but deep in his heart where it counts, a man doesn't really believe he has anything to do with making babies. A baby clearly belongs to the mother - she had it last - but what has her baby to do with him? Remember the old saying - "The night my father got me, his mind was not on me." What was your father thinking when you happened? Was he thinking at all?
God made men possessive to help give children fathers. If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman and if she chooses to belong to him and encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she becomes pregnant, her children also belong to him. If she’s not his, the kids are hers, and she can look after them herself.
God's love and God's salvation are undeserved gifts of God. Most mothers show how His love works. We love Him because He first loved us (Ro. 5:8). His love should drive us to serve Him as He requires of us (2 Cor. 5:14). God never bullies us into obedience; He always lets us choose (Joshua 24:25) whether to obey His commands or not. He yearns for obedience (De. 5:29, 30:10), but He never forces us. The choice is ours.
Have you thanked your mother today for risking her life to give you life and then pouring her life into you? And thanked Jesus for dying to save you?
The Apostle Paul wrote that we work to spread the Gospel because our love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes us do it. We serve Him because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouses should constrain us to do whatever we can to please them. If lost people see married Christians working to please each other out of love, they’ll often ask how we handle problems the other person causes. That gives us a chance to talk about God’s love and God’s forgiveness. God forgives us, so God expects us to forgive other people in the same way He forgave us.
How God Uses Mothers and Fathers to Show His Holiness
Although some people need to be persuaded of the love of God because they know they’ve violated His holiness and find it hard to repent without feeling loved, others need to be persuaded that God’s holiness requires that God must send them to Hell if they don’t repent:
Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life. 22And of some have compassion, making a difference: 23And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh. Jude 1:21-23
Jesus spoke about Hell more often than He spoke about Heaven. We must be ready to show others God’s love by the way we treat our families and other church members, and they need to see our love for them. Having done that, however, we must be ready to show the holiness of God and explain His utter hatred of any and all sin, that's what “hating even the garment spotted by the flesh” means. No matter how good a person may try to be, the Bible teaches that compared to God, the best we can be is no good at all.
But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags: Isaiah 64:6a
People have a hard time accepting the fact that they can’t be good enough to satisfy God, so God gave us examples. Fathers love their children, of course, but it isn’t the same as mother’s love. God uses mothers together with fathers to show His Holiness. My mom knew that charity, which is undeserved love,
“Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.” I Corinthians 13:6-8a
Her love never failed - she always loved me no matter what I did and rejoiced when I did well, but she did not tolerate misbehavior or disobedience. She loved me while hating my sins.
That’s hard to do – most people find it hard to condemn sin without also condemning the soul who committed the sin. When we tell lost people about their sins, we must be careful to convince them that God loves them in spite of their sins. Mom showed me God’s desire that His people strive toward His holiness (Lev. 19:2, He. 12:14, 1 Pe. 1:15-16) by correcting me when I did wrong and explaining how I could do better while showing me God’s love every single day! Seeing her love made it easy to believe in God’s love.
My dad was much more focused on my obedience than my mother was. God warns fathers to be careful not to overdo teaching God’s holiness:
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Colossians 3:21
Some churches preach the “buddy god” who loves everybody so much he’d never send anyone to Hell - repentance and turning from sin aren’t needed. A love-only message is meaningless because it doesn’t define sin or tell people that God hates sin (Ps. 7:11b) as my parents taught me. How can people seek forgiveness without being shown how much God hates their sins (Ro. 3:10)?
Others preach the “bully god” by hammering away on God’s holiness without emphasizing His love. The bully god wrote a bunch of rules in the Bible which the leaders interpret and extend. The bully god watches your every thought, word, and deed so he can whack you with the pastor’s help when you get out of line. No forgiveness for you, miserable miscreant!
Holiness without love is repugnant because it’s too harsh. Sinners don’t want to hear about holiness alone because it makes them feel hopelessly bad about themselves. God’s love gives hope and helps sinners accept God’s holiness. Sinners can’t understand why Jesus was willing to die on the cross without believing His love.
Without feeling God’s love, people can’t feel confident of His care for us (1 Pe. 5:7) or of His promise never to leave us (He. 13:5). Jesus’ love for us keeps us following Him because we want Him to be pleased with us (2 Cor. 5:14). We submit to His holiness because we love Him. You can’t have one without the other.
God insists that we love one another fervently (1 Pe. 1:22) to remind each other of His love for us – that’s how lost people know that we belong to Him (Jn. 13:35)! When we give the Gospel, nobody cares how much we know about God unless they know how much we care about them.
Getting the right balance between God’s love and God’s holiness for each child is the hardest part of being a parent or a pastor. One reason pastors are required to have children (Titus 1:6) is to help them learn this balance. They can’t help young Christians develop without learning how young children develop.
Love, Holiness, and Marriage
Love and holiness belong in marriage. Salvation and marriage both require that we die to our former lives. We must die to our sinful lives to be born again into union with Christ (Ro. 7:4-6). In order for two people to become one as Jesus expects (Mt. 19:4-6, Mk. 10:6-9), they must both die to their self-centered individual lives in favor of giving everything (Ro. 12:1) to the one-flesh family unit God expects of His people.
Who ordained salvation? God. Who ordained marriage? God. Jesus loved us enough to create us even though He knew He would have to die and shed His blood to give us a way to be cleaned from our sins so we could fellowship with God in Heaven instead of burning forever in the lake of fire. How did His love for us play into the way He ordained marriage? The Bible teaches that Christianity is a thinking faith based on reason:
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: Isaiah 1:18
Let’s be logical. Men, Jesus valued us and loved us enough to create us even though He knew He would have to die to save us from our sins. When you build or create something, don’t you feel affection for it? Let’s draw on the emotional nature God puts in all of us along with logic. Mothers, you know how you feel about your children. Would a truly Christian mother do anything to harm her children on purpose?
Would a God that loved us enough to die for us create men and women in such a way that there was no way we could enter into joyous marriages? Did God design the powerful drives He put into men and women to draw us into marriages which will bless us if we follow His plan? Or did a God who loved us enough to die to save us from our sins on purpose design us so that men and women can’t find joy in entering into long-term commitments to create safe spaces where their children can grow?
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? 32He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? Romans 8:31-32
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
God gives good things to those that ask Him. Salvation and marriage are good things. We must ask for salvation based on the instructions He put in His Word and we must ask Him how to have good marriages by reading and meditating on the marriage instructions He put in His Word.
God Himself uses a mother’s love to show both His holiness and His unending love:
Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Isaiah 49:15
God will never forget us or stop loving us, but we must study and follow His laws or He’ll reject us. If we try to go to Heaven our own way, we go to Hell when we die. If we try to do marriage our own way, we can make life Hell on earth. We must follow God’s one program for both salvation and for marriage!
There’s a story of a young man who disgraced his family and left town. He came to himself (Lk. 15:17) but wasn’t sure if he’d be accepted back into the fold. He wrote his mother saying he’d take a train through town. If she wanted to see him, “Tie a yellow ribbon on the old oak tree.”
The conductor saw him weep and heard the story. “I can’t look,” the young man said. As the train rounded the bend, the conductor told him, “Open your eyes! There’s a ribbon on every branch (Lk. 15:18-27)!” His mother loved him and wanted to see him in spite of all the wrong he’d done.
Pr. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to care for his future wife. A mother can teach her sons how to honor wives and teach her daughters to demand respect from men (Tit. 2:3-5), but she can’t teach her children at all unless their father teaches them to honor and respect her by showing his respect for her daily and commanding their children to “call her blessed”:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Mrs. Lemuel expected her son to teach his children that they had the very best mother in the entire world! Children are born selfish; they won’t honor their mother unless they see their father constantly honor her as taught in the Song of Solomon and learn that he demands that they follow his example of honoring her.
Over and over, the Bible compares the relationship between husband and wife to the relationship between God and His people; God our Father welcomes us back when we return to Him (Is. 1:21, Jer. 2:2, 3:6–12, Ez. 16, 23, Hos. 2). Mothers can’t fully reflect God’s love because they’re sinful human beings, but a godly mother’s love shows us the high level of love God expects husbands to give freely to wives and children.
Being honored, valued, and appreciated by husband and children nourishes a wife. Seeing their father honor her teaches sons how to honor their future wives and other women. Their father’s love for their mother shows his family a picture of how Christ loved the church, which is a very high standard indeed:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
Although a man should be ready give his life by dying to protect his wife from any danger, God generally expects a man to give his life day by day to nourish and cherish her. I earn so much per hour. When we spend that much on home, children, or church, I have freely given one hour of my life to walking the path of service to my wife (Mk. 9:35, 10:44) that He wants me to walk (Ro. 12:1).
Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat “The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity (1 Timothy 5:2).” Girls must be taught to insist that men deal with them in purity as God commands or they’re apt to fall into sexual sin.
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
You marry to give or you marry to get. If both parties do their best to give based on the “things of others”, marriage prospers and the family gets a taste of the joys of Heaven. If either party tries to take out instead of giving, marriage is weak, and if both focus on getting, marriage can give a taste of the punishments of Hell.
Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21
The principle of giving yourself applies to all human interaction.
Everyone bases what they do on what they believe about God. Atheists try to convince themselves that God doesn’t exist so they can do whatever they want without worrying about what God thinks about it (Ps. 14:1, 53:1). Christians who believe that God is good read the Bible looking for keys to happiness. Christians who believe that God is trying to keep them from having fun read the Bible for loopholes.
Know Our God
We need to know God to live in the Spirit. Theology, the study of God, can be complicated, so we’ll discuss a 10-word marriage theology for practical living. To get ready, let’s think about the God we serve.
Jesus’ empty tomb shows the uniqueness of Christianity. All other religious founders, Buddha, Mohammad, Confucius, died and stayed dead. Jesus died on the cross, but He conquered death by coming back to life. That’s unique, but there’s more:
1) God takes the side of the poor and the weak. The idea that God cared about worthless slaves blew Pharaoh's mind (Exodus 5). God's prophets were outraged when His people rejected Him, but God was aso upset when rulers abused the poor instead of caring for them. Louis IV’s motto was “Dieu et mon droit” meaning “God and my right.” European kings had God-given power to do whatever they wanted as late as the 1700s. Chinese and Russian elites still do, an America is going that way.
2) The Jews didn’t want to talk to God; the temple veil kept people out of the Holy Place where God was.
And they said unto Moses, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die. Exodus 20:19
Do Christians want to talk to God? Haven’t we heard, “Pastor, will you pray for me?” Jesus criticized Scribes and Pharisees for exploiting the people while "sit[ting] in Moses' seat (Mt. 23:2)."
And the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom. Mark 15:3
The temple veil was rent when Christ died; now you may approach God directly, you need no priest, no pastor, no husband, God receives you whenever you wish. This was revolutionary, nobody imagined ordinary people approaching God without permission from someone.
3) Having rent the veil so that ordinary people could approach, God also invites women to come to Him.
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
Letting women approach God along with everyone else without a man's permission was probably more upsetting than letting mere peasants interact with God without permission from anyone.
The idea of God loving people and giving to people was revolutionary – pagan gods don’t love anyone.
Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons: Acts 10:34
God doesn’t value kings or rulers over peasants. We’re all subject to God’s laws and to His judgment. The men who founded America wrote, “all men are created equal.” God is glad when women approach Him.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; Matthew 5:43-44
That message of equality before a loving God even for enemies turned the world upside-down (Acts 17:6)! Pass it on! No one can deny you a direct, one-to-one relationship with God except you! Think about it:
Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. James 4:8a
You must make the first move. It’s up to you to choose whether to draw close to God or not.
Chapter 4 - Saturday Morning 9 AM to 10 AM – Theology in 10 Words – The First Three Words
God never intended for us to be alone. During creation, the only thing that was not good was the man being alone (Gen. 2:18[14]). Having created women as one of His marvelous gifts to the children of men (Ps. 107:8[15]-31), God puts people in families. He expects family members to care for each other and work together (Ps. 133:1[16]) using each member’s gifts to bless and support the family and the church of the Living God:
God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
By the time we married in 1971, most of our friends had rebelled against being in families and had divorced. We saw that our marriage was a precious gift from God, but when her sister got a divorce and my brother got a divorce, we had nothing to say. We were convinced that our joyful marriage was a gift that God intended for all couples, so we’ve spent decades writing down the secrets of a joyful, fulfilling marriage.
Consider God's Simple Plan of Salvation. A lost person may be attracted to Christian virtues, but salvation starts with humility. You have to humble yourself by admitting that you can't be good enough to get into Heaven (Ro. 3:10-12). You must repent of all your favorite sins (Acts 20:21[17]). You have to admit that you need God's help, ask for it, and accept it. Your life changes completely when you do that (2 Cor. 5:17[18]).
Marriage starts with a man humbling himself enough to admit that he’s incomplete, that he doesn’t want to be alone, and be willing to let God put him in a family (Ps. 68:6[19]). He must humble himself to accept and value his wife's help as God intended (Gen. 2:18). He’ll suffer the humiliation of children in his own image (Gen. 5:3[20]). Children reflect our faults and sins back in our faces. As we bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4[21]), we must repent from any sins they show us.
The Bible says four times that a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11). Marriage God’s way starts with letting God give her to her husband as God's gift to him (Pr. 18:22[22]). She must give up her independence, submit to her husband, obey her husband (1 Pe. 3:1[23]), and follow where he leads.
God knew we would have trouble with His Simple Plan of Salvation. He knew we couldn’t handle two plans, so He made one plan work for both salvation and for marriage. Jesus told Nicodemus, “Ye must be born again.” The Bible often compares Salvation, that is, our relationship to God, to marriage.
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33
Many people try to cling to their old ways and have Christ too. That doesn’t work. Many married people try to stay independent instead of weaving themselves into a unified family. That doesn’t work either. Paul said Christ and the church was like marriage (Eph. 5:25[24]). How did Jesus explain marriage?
And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:4-6
The only way two people can be “no more twain, [that is, two,] but one flesh” is for both of them to die to their former independent selves and give up their individual wants in favor of the family God creates for them when they marry. Your life changes when you do that. It’s not as complete a change as when you accept salvation (2 Cor. 5:17), but it’s a huge change. God expects you to live to give to your family and to Him.
Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves marriage. A man is not worthy of his wife's submission or her reverence. Those are undeserved gifts from God and from her as she serves God by serving him. A woman is not worthy of her husband's spending his life taking care of her or leading her by serving her (Eph. 5:25-30), those are undeserved gifts from God and from him as he serves God by serving her (Mk. 9:35[25], 10:42-45[26]).
Learning begins after we accept salvation (Ps. 111:10[27], Pr. 9:10[28]). We work out our Salvation in fear and trembling (Phi. 2:12) for the rest of our lives. Learning how to be one begins with marriage and takes the rest of our lives. We must be humble enough to learn about God while working out Salvation, we must be humble enough to learn about God and about each other while working out marriage.
Faulty theology causes marriage problems because beliefs about God drive most of what we do. Just 10 words can give us enough knowledge of God for a happy marriage if we believe them and act on them.
The First Three Words – God is Great
The first three words – “God is great” are obvious. Atheists who say the world came about by random chance from nothing speak of the marvels of creation. If God existed, He would obviously be great. The Bible begins, “In the beginning, God created the heaven and the Earth.” We see God in His works:
The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork. Psalm 19:1
God knew that unbelief would come and that people of “science falsely so called (1 Tim. 6:20)” would tell Christians that the Bible is full of unscientific fairy tales.
But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived. 2 Timothy 3:13
God arranged many scientific discoveries to prove what He wrote in the Bible. You needn’t understand quantum math or physics in detail, but you can tell others that the Biblical account of creation and Moses’ laws contain information nobody knew until recently. That shows that the Bible came from God.
Sir Isaac Newton, who wrote down laws of motion and invented calculus, said, “When I see a watch, I think of a watchmaker.” If you found a wristwatch, you wouldn’t think the watch had formed by little bits of metal, gears, springs, and whatnot coming randomly together to form the watch. You’d think a watchmaker made it and someone lost it. Sir Isaac knew that random creation of our complicated, precise, and orderly solar system was silly, but he thought his “watchmaker God” wound up the universe and left it alone.
Sailors could predict high and low tides; astronomers could predict eclipses and keep the calendar lined up with the seasons by following the lights God gave “for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years (Gen. 1:14).” Sir Isaac believed that the motion of every planet was completely predictable with his laws - once you knew how God started the solar system, you could always predict where planets would go.
Sir Isaac was wrong. Physicists learned that if there were only three planets in the entire universe, just three, you cannot predict where they will go. We can’t solve what’s called the “three body problem.” Sir Isaac didn’t know that the universe is not predictable from his understanding of God’s laws of gravity.
“And he is before all things, and by him all things consist. (Col. 1:17)” “Consist” was completed in the past but the word emphasizes the ongoing results in the present. Jesus’ word created the universe. His action continues into the present, He keeps it going “by the word of his power (He. 1:3).” God is great indeed.
It seems that the universe operates automatically. Rivers run down to the sea, water evaporates and comes back as rain (Ecc. 1:7). Stars and planets stay in their orbits. Sir Isaac’s idea of a watchmaker God who wound it up and let it go seems reasonable, but the Bible teaches that God keeps the universe going; He didn’t set it up and let it go, He stayed involved. That helps us understand prayer. If God wound the universe and stepped back, there would be no reason to pray, but that’s not what He did, He stayed involved.
I don’t understand the mathematical proof that nobody can solve the three-body problem, but physicists who do understand are convinced that we can’t use God’s laws of gravity to predict the motions of just three planets. Our solar system operates smoothly because God keeps it in order, not just gravity.
We don’t understand gravity. On November 9, 2016, Science Alert wrote[29]:
“Our current ideas about space, time, and gravity urgently need to be re-thought. We have long known that Einstein's theory of gravity can not work with quantum mechanics”, the author the new paper, Erik Verlinde from the University of Amsterdam, told Dutch news site NOS.
We study gravity and quantum mechanics but can’t fit them together. Don’t worry about “quantum mechanics,” few understand it, but we see what it does as we see what gravity does without understanding it.
We can’t predict planetary motion and we can’t predict hydrogen atoms. Hydrogen is the simplest atom of all. One hydrogen atom has one proton with a positive charge and one electron with a negative charge.
When you plug a cord into the wall, electrons flow out of the socket into your appliance. The power company works hard to keep electrons flowing so they can bill you for electricity. The electron part of hydrogen atoms powers your appliances; the proton part of hydrogen atoms powers the sun.
On Sept. 15, 2017, Forbes Magazine published “Proof of 'God Playing Dice With The Universe' Found In The Sun's Interior.”[30] Under high pressure at the center of the sun, electrons are stripped off hydrogen atoms. There’s a soup of protons and electrons in the center of the sun. Our sun’s energy comes from billions and billions of protons smashing together so that they fuse into helium and release energy.
A hydrogen atom has 1 proton and 1 electron, a helium atom is 2 protons stuck together and 2 electrons. When two hydrogen atoms fuse into 1 helium atom, a tiny bit of energy is released. That powers the sun.
Yet despite these incredible energies, [Forbes says] the protons in the Sun's core would never be able to begin this chain reaction if the Universe were completely deterministic. It requires the wave nature of quantum mechanics to make it possible, proving that Einstein's famous statement, that "God does not play dice with the Universe," was false.
Einstein, like Newton, believed the universe could be predicted from Newton’s laws. He knew that the sun is powered by the energy released when two hydrogen atoms stick together, make a helium atom, and release energy, but he didn’t believe that God put chance into the way the universe works.
Protons repel each other; they don’t want to fuse together. You’ve played with magnets. Magnets have a north pole and a south pole. If you try to push two north poles together, the magnets repel each other and push back; if you put a north pole and a south pole together, the magnets attract each other and stick.
Protons have positive charge. They do not want to come together. Pushing them together hard enough to make them stick takes huge pressures and temperatures. Fusion power research has failed despite billions of dollars– we can’t get temperature or pressure high enough to generate energy as the sun does. Forbes wrote:
So we do our calculations, we calculate how the protons in the Sun’s core have their energy distributed, and we come up with a number for these proton-proton collisions with sufficient energy to undergo nuclear fusion.
That number is exactly zero. The electric repulsion between the two positively charged particles is too great for even a single pair of protons to overcome it and fuse together with the energies in the Sun’s core.
Our sun isn’t big enough for the pressure at the center to overcome protons pushing each other apart. How, then, can the sun give light? Forbes explains:
Each proton is a quantum particle, containing a probability function that describes its location, enabling the two wave functions of interacting particles to overlap ever so slightly, even when the repulsive electric force would otherwise keep them entirely apart.
You and I have locations and our smart phones tell us where we are. A proton doesn’t have an exact location. Its location is a fuzzy ball of probability and the proton could be anywhere in the ball. It’s most likely near the center, but could be anywhere. Einstein didn’t want to understand that part of quantum mechanics.
If protons were small particles as Einstein believed, they’d repel each other too strongly to fuse because our sun isn’t big enough to have enough pressure or a high enough temperature. Protons aren’t particles, they’re fuzzy probability balls which can overlap enough that sometimes, protons in our sun fuse into helium atoms. “Probability fuzzball” isn’t scientific, so physicists say that protons are wave functions, not particles.
It’s the power of quantum mechanics that allows the Sun to shine. [Forbes says] In a fundamental way, if God didn’t play dice with the Universe, the nuclear flame that powers the stars would never light, and the life-giving fusion that occurs in our Sun's core would never come to be.
If hydrogen atoms in our sun were particles, our predictions show that they couldn’t come close enough together to fuse into helium and our solar system would be a cold, dark place where we couldn’t live. Instead of particles, however, God made protons and electrons as wave functions whose future we can’t predict.
When two wave functions overlap, the protons can fuse and create energy even if the particles repel each other. The sun is a probability system; we can’t predict it. Probability systems aren’t stable because they don’t operate predictably. They may not be likely to explode or shut down, but over time, that’s what a probability system will do. God has to stay involved to keep the sun’s output in a range to keep us alive.
God lets the sun’s output change. Sometimes He has our sun put out more heat, this makes our climate get warmer, sometimes He has the sun put out less heat and our climate gets colder, but God keeps it in a range so that we can live on the earth He made for us, just as God limits the sea:
Fear ye not me? saith the LORD: will ye not tremble at my presence, which have placed the sand for the bound of the sea by a perpetual decree, that it cannot pass it: and though the waves thereof toss themselves, yet can they not prevail; though they roar, yet can they not pass over it? Jeremiah 5:22
The more scientists study the heavens, the more they learn about the glory of God even if they won’t admit it. Our theories about gravity don’t work with quantum mechanics, but the sun couldn’t light without quantum mechanics. Scientists want to explain gravity, but so far, they can’t.
My point is, the universe could not work as it does if it were predictable. It’s not a deterministic system that God could wind up and ignore. Probabilistic systems aren’t stable, so God has to keep the universe running smoothly and keep the planets in their orbits. Colossians 1:17 says, “And he is before all things, and by him all things consist.” Science proves that even if the scientists won’t admit it.
We can also be confident in six-day creation as taught in the Book of Genesis. On July 8, 2014, Carnegie Science reported[31] that there is a lot more light in the universe than the light generated by the stars.
“Either our accounting of the light from galaxies and quasars is very far off, or there’s some other major source of ionizing photons that we’ve never recognized,” Kollmeier said. “We are calling this missing light the photon underproduction crisis. But it’s the astronomers who are in crisis—somehow or other, the universe is getting along just fine.”
A “photon” is one little piece of light, by “underproduction,” he means that stars don’t make enough light to match all the light we can see. He has one thing right – “the universe is getting along just fine,” it’s the scientists who’re messed up. Rejoice! We know there has to be more light than the stars make because God made light before He made stars. On June 30, 2017, Forbes Magazine wrote “Science Uncovers The Origin Of The First Light In The Universe[32].”
After centuries of investigating the origins of the Universe, science has finally uncovered what physically happened to "let there be light" in space. …
So where did this light — the first light in the Universe — first come from? It didn’t come from stars, because it predates the stars. [emphasis added]
Forbes tells us light came before the stars! They explain that light “quanta,” one little piece of light just as a proton is one little piece of matter, interacted with each other and produced bits of matter. This is like particles colliding in an atom smasher – collisions can create any particle at all if they have enough energy.
This isn’t a new idea. In 1934, John Wheeler and George Breit proposed the Breit-Wheeler process which describes how light can turn into matter, or in short: how matter is created from light. Recent experiments at Brookhaven National Laboratory provided suggestive evidence that the Breit-Wheeler process can be duplicated experimentally.[33] Scientists are accumulating more and more evidence that when little bits of light bump into each other, little bits of matter are produced.
“Let there be light” came on day 1; the stars weren’t created until day 4 (Genesis 1:1-15). Who told Moses to write that light came days before the stars? What human mind could imagine that? Not our scientists…
The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork. Psalm 19:1
The more scientists study the universe, the less they understand how it works. Sir Isaac Newton thought God’s laws of gravity showed how planets move. As instruments got better, we saw that the planet Mercury moved in ways gravity can’t predict. Einstein’s theory of relativity explained those differences, but Einstein’s theories of gravity won’t work with the quantum probabilities which let the stars shine.
I was told years ago that religious people believe in the “God of the gaps;” we said God caused whatever science couldn’t explain. They said that as we understood how things worked, the “God of the gaps” would get smaller and smaller until He disappeared. Remember the “God is dead” movement in the 1970s?
Gaps are getting bigger. Details aren’t important, what’s important is that discoveries about light and gravity confirm the account in the Book of Genesis, light first, then stars, just as God told Moses. They know gravity doesn’t predict planetary motion. God keeps the stars and planets in place; they haven’t a clue.
Medicine and Public Health
Besides telling a bit about creation, God’s rules for public health confirm the divine nature of the Bible.
And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee. Exodus 15:26
For the Pharisees, and all the Jews, except they wash their hands oft, eat not, holding the tradition of the elders. Mark 7:3
Is washing hands before eating mere religious ritual? My mother thought there was a practical purpose. The Bible says, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” I wash my hands before eating because my mother trained me up to do it. It wasn’t just a command to her; she knew the germ theory of disease. God expected obedience even if His people didn’t know why they should wash.
This is the law, when a man dieth in a tent: all that come into the tent, and all that is in the tent, shall be unclean seven days. Numbers 19:14
And the clean person shall sprinkle upon the unclean on the third day, and on the seventh day: and on the seventh day he shall purify himself, and wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and shall be clean at even. Numbers 19:19
Being unclean as Numbers 19 describes meant you couldn’t touch other people and you couldn’t cook food for others. After a week, you purified yourself, washed your clothes, and took a bath to be clean. We now understand the health benefits to following these laws, but Jews obeyed by faith; nobody knew why for thousands of years until we discovered germs.
In 1847, doctors’ wards at Vienna General Hospital had three times the death rate from childbed fever than midwives’ wards. Dr. Semmelweis suspected it was because doctors cut open dead bodies for autopsies and midwives didn’t. He proved that washing hands between patients reduced fever to less than 1%.
Semmelweis couldn’t explain. Doctors were angry at the idea that they carried death on their hands and didn’t want to wash. His results weren’t understood until Louis Pasteur proved the germ theory of disease years after Semmelweis died but God’s laws of washing worked. To this day, most hospital infections are caused when doctors and nurses don’t wash between patients! They see it as just a rule, not as a command of God! It’s in their heads, not in their hearts!
God knows the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. A mother must be very careful to pay close attention to her newborn to keep it alive. The hormones of pregnancy work on a mother’s brain to make her ears more attentive to a baby’s cry and on her emotions to get her really involved in the child[34]. God puts newborn care into mothers’ hearts through hormones. Hormones affect her thinking, page 114.
God also commands that new mothers be given physical rest.
Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean. And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised. And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days. Leviticus 12:2-5 *
Why should giving birth, a natural and honorable process, make a woman unclean? Why? An unclean woman couldn’t wash dishes – they’d be unclean and nobody could eat off them. She couldn’t do laundry – nobody could wear unclean clothes. She couldn’t do housework; she got time to rest and to get to know her baby. She stayed home from church. Staying home protects new babies and mothers from infections.
Without infant formula, nursing was the only way to keep a baby alive. I’ve been told that girl babies often have a harder time nursing than boy babies and that girls are a bit smaller at birth than boys. It’s a big deal for a mother when her baby gets big enough to hold enough milk to sleep through the night. If girls have a harder time nursing and they’re smaller, it would take longer for a baby girl to sleep through the night.
If this is true, God knows all about it. What did He do? A mother got 70 days off when she gave birth to a girl and 40 days when she gave birth to a boy. That extra month made it more likely that a newborn girl would sleep through the night before the mother got back to her household routine.
Most American babies are born in expensive hospitals! Mothers are sent home after a day or two and get back to work. My mother got a week of help from her mother and a week from my father’s mother when I was born. That was 14 days of help, not 40 days of no housework at all. Does God know something we don’t?
The Pharisee described in Luke 18:11-14 bragged that he fasted “twice in the week.” Christians have believed that fasting gives benefits and some studies are beginning to confirm medical benefits of fasting.
What about the feast of leaven? God said that yeast represented sin, so:
Seven days shall there be no leaven found in your houses: for whosoever eateth that which is leavened, even that soul shall be cut off from the congregation of Israel, whether he be a stranger, or born in the land. Exodus 12:19
To get rid of all the yeast in your house, you have to clean to white-glove inspection levels as the army does. This means you pass a white glove over everything. You fail if there’s any dirt or dust on the glove.
What happens when an entire village gets rid of all the yeast in every house for a week? That cleans out all other food – seeds, crumbs – and critters starve. Cleaning came at the time of Passover, the time of year when rats and mice breed. Villages have fewer insects, rats, or mice if there’s nothing for them to eat.
Christians had the Old Testament during the Middle Ages; Jews could have talked about the “none of these diseases (Ex. 15:26)” benefits of obeying God’s laws. The Jews didn’t give God the glory for better health; they didn’t declare “in the sight of the nations (De. 4:6)” that God’s statutes meant “none of these diseases.”
In the 1340s, the Black Death spread by fleas carried by rats. Jewish customs of washing and cleaning leaven out of their houses meant that the plague affected them less in the sight of the nations, just as God had promised. Gentiles thought Jews must have caused the plague because they were immune! There was persecution because Jews didn’t give God the glory!
What about circumcision on the 8th day? A newborn’s blood gets some clotting factor from the mother. It takes about six days for the baby’s bone marrow to build clotting factor. The cut heals best after the baby’s clotting factor comes. The 8th day gives time for boys who’re a bit slow to get ready to clot and heal after the cut. We now know that circumcision reduces infection which is why it’s so common in America.
How did Bible writers know this? Did they do a double-blind study of circumcising thousands of boys on different days, measure outcomes, and use statistics to find the best day? Or did they do as God told them? God is not only great; He wrote some of His greatness in the Bible for our learning and for our benefit.
The “Theory” of Evolution Denies the Bible
The more scientists study genetics, the less they know about how different species “evolved.” Non-Christians have written books showing huge problems with evolutionary theory. Evolutionists stopped debating creationists years ago because the creationists had better arguments. Everything they learn about how critters are born, live, reproduce, and die shrieks of intelligent design, which is another way of saying “God.”
The works of God confirm the Word of God. God is great, and we need not yield one jot or one tittle of His Word in the face of science falsely so called! God is great, we can proclaim it! We’d better proclaim it:
Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels. Mark 8:38 see also Luke 9:26
I don’t want Jesus ashamed of me when He comes back. I try to spread His Word, and I stand behind it all.
Jesus’ empty tomb shows the greatness of God and highlights the uniqueness of Christianity. Jesus’ resurrection was unique. All other religious founders, Buddha, Mohammad, Laozi, the founder of Taoism, Confucius, died and stayed dead. Jesus died on the cross, but He conquered death by coming back to life. That’s unique, but there’s more:
The Jews didn’t want to talk to God; the temple veil kept people out of the Holy Place where God was.
And they said unto Moses, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die. Exodus 20:19
Do Christians want to talk to God? How often have we heard, “Pastor, will you pray for me?” Jesus criticized Scribes and Pharisees for exploiting the people while "sit[ting] in Moses' seat (Mt. 23:2-3[35])."
And the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom. Mark 15:3
The temple veil was rent when Christ died; now you may approach God directly, you need no priest, no pastor, no husband, God receives you whenever you wish. This was revolutionary, nobody imagined ordinary people approaching God without permission from someone.
Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons: 35But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him. Acts 10:34-35
The Bible is banned in places all over the world because it teaches that kings and other rulers must fear and obey God like everyone else. That’s why the founders of America wrote that “all men are created equal.”
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
Which was more upsetting to the ruling powers – saying that God values peasants as much as He values rulers, or saying that He valued women as much as he valued men?
The idea of God loving people was revolutionary – pagan gods take without giving and don’t love anyone.
Having discussed the first three words of our 10-word theology, we’ll cover the last seven words next.
Chapter 5 - Saturday Morning 10-11 – Theology in 10 Words – The Last Seven Words
In discussing “God is great,” we explored scientific principles which are touched on in the Word of God. God knew that Satan’s forces of “science, falsely so-called (1 Tim. 6:20[36])” would try to throw doubt on the Bible, so He arranged for astronomers to find more light than the stars can generate. That surprised atheists but not Christians because we know that God created light days before He created the stars.
They’ve also found that if protons were little particles, the sun isn’t big enough to cause protons to come together to generate light. Protons are “wave functions” and we can never know precisely where they are. That lets protons come together and fuse into helium so our sun can generate light and keep us alive.
That means that the sun’s output can’t be determined mathematically, it’s a probabilistic system. Systems that run on what we see as chance can explode or go out. God sometimes lets our sun put out more heat which makes the climate warmer and He lets it put out less heat which makes the climate colder but He’s careful to keep it in a range so we can live. God drives climate change; it’s not what people do.
But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night; in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 11Seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved, what manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy conversation and godliness, 12Looking for and hasting unto the coming of the day of God, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat? II Peter 3:10-12
Hebrews 1:3 tells us that Jesus upholds “all things by the word of his power.” That’s why the sun’s heat stays in a range that’s good for us. When His time comes, the Bible tells us that He’ll tweak the knob, the sun will put out a lot more energy, and “the elements shall melt with fervent heat.”
We also talked about God’s rules for public health such as sweeping all the crumbs out of all the houses when rats breed so there are fewer critters spreading disease. We talked about His commands for washing and giving new mothers time off from housework. God gave us these medical laws for our benefit long before we figured them out. There are places where the leading cause of babies dying is mothers not washing their hands before feeding their children.
Next Three Words
The next three words are trickier – “God is great, God is good.” Many Christians who have no trouble with the idea that God is great don’t seem to act as though they think that God is good even though we now know that many of His laws for public health benefitted us greatly for many generations.
And said, If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee, which I have brought upon the Egyptians: for I am the LORD that healeth thee. Exodus 15:26
For the Pharisees, and all the Jews, except they wash their hands oft, eat not, holding the tradition of the elders. Mark 7:3
Giving us those rules so that we would be blessed by our obedience shows the goodness of God. People who believe God is good read the Bible carefully seeking keys to happiness. The Bible contains many commands to do this or not to do that. Why? Did God write His laws to keep us from having fun? Or are His laws for our benefit? Does God love us?
Many writers have found God’s love for us hard to believe:
What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? Psalm 8:4
That question is repeated in Hebrews 2:6 – God’s love for vile sinners really is hard to believe. God did four things to convince us that He cares for us. First, He gave us laws telling us how societies should operate. Except for the supremacy of God, the 10 commandments are found in all religions and in many bodies of law. Don’t steal, don’t mess with someone else’s woman, don’t tell lies, don’t kill each other – these are the foundations of civilization. We can’t run a business, family, tribe, or nation without these laws.
Mahatma Gandhi tried to unite Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Christians; the rich stew of India. Many of his ideas came from the Bible. He wrote, “I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ” and “If Christians would really live according to the teachings of Christ, as found in the Bible, all of India would be Christian today.” He died without Christ and went to Hell. Gandhi knew Christ’s teachings, but could not accept the human frailty that is so evident among Christians. He had the Bible which teaches, “they are without excuse.” God drew Gandhi but he let Christians reject and repel him. God’s teachings show that He loves us and wants our lives to go well.
Second, God made mothers. You’ve seen mothers care for their children even when children disobey or disappoint. A mother’s love shows us the love of God if we look. Third, God sent a Savior. John 3:16 says that God so loved the world … God created salvation because He loves us. Fourth, God created marriage. Question: God loved us enough to send His Son to die in our place.
But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
Would our God who loved us enough to create salvation which required the death of His Son and turning His back on His Son (Mt. 27:46, Mk. 15:34) to bless us create marriage to curse us? Or did God intend marriage for our good? The Bible has a lot of rules about marriage. Are those written to cause us frustration or to bless us? God made marriage to bless us. If a marriage is not good, who’s at fault? God or the couple?
God listed a few of His laws in His Word, but He wrote most of His laws in His works.
Suppose I jump off a building. I’ll fall. Suppose I break my leg. Can I complain, “How could a loving God let me get hurt?” Would you sympathize, or would you call me a fool for trying to break God's law of gravity?
The Bible says “by Him all things consist,” and “all things” includes gravity. You wouldn't sympathize if I got hurt trying to break God's law of gravity, but lots of people break God's laws of marriage which He wrote in the Bible and wonder why they get hurt.
Do we understand God's law of gravity? No, gravity baffles physicists. They have no idea how it works, but we better follow the law of gravity. Do we understand God's laws of marriage? No, but we can follow them through faith. We don’t understand His laws of Salvation either, but we’d better follow the laws of marriage and of salvation if we want an abundant life.
God created salvation; we must be saved His way or we go to Hell when we die. God created marriage. We have to do marriage His way or we can make life Hell on earth. I know marriages which don’t show the torments of Hell, but they aren’t getting nearly as much blessing as God intended when He created marriage.
People must relate to God to get His full blessing. After they left Egypt, the Israelites wouldn’t talk to God; they wanted Moses to talk to God and tell them what God said. God was disappointed. He told Moses:
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
God didn’t write commandments to keep us from happiness. He wants us to obey because keeping His commands blesses us. Jesus said, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly (John 10:10b).”
There’s a condition to receiving the abundant life Jesus offers – we have to follow His rules. We know the story of the man who built his house upon the rock, there’s a song about his reward for obedience, but how many of us work to do what the Bible teaches?
The keys to abundant life in marriage and to abundant life in general are found in the Bible, but how do we read the Bible? People tend to make understanding the Bible more complicated than it is. Does the Bible lie? Jesus prayed, “Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth (John 17:17).” No, the Bible doesn’t lie. God gave us the Bible “for our learning (Romans 15:4).” If God lied to us in the Bible He wouldn’t be good and when we found out, we’d stop trying to learn from the Bible.
We know that God cares deeply about Children. Does the Bible lie to children?
There are many things in the Bible children can’t understand, and many I can’t understand, but God is not the author of confusion (I Cor. 14:33). God didn’t write passages with a simple, false meaning that must be explained through appeals to grammar, history, or “ancient authorities” that aren’t found in the Bible. Anything in the Bible a child can understand is true in the way a child would read it. If this were not so, children would be confused, which God doesn’t do.
Consider the story of the man who built his house on the sand. We teach kids a song about it. We tell them that obeying God’s Word is a wise thing to do and that someone who doesn’t obey is a fool. Let’s look at passages which kids understand:
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Ephesians 6:1
Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Colossians 3:20
Can children understand those verses? Yes, but “obey” is often a bad word. How old do children have to be to understand that it is as hard for their parents to obey God as it is for them to obey their parents? God expects us to teach His Words to our children:
And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Deuteronomy 6:7
And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 *
Where does a father find the “nurture and admonition of the Lord?” In the Bible. Your most effective way of teaching the Bible is for you to obey it, even when it’s hard, and explain the Biblical basis for your actions and decisions. What you do in following the Bible speaks so loudly that your children can’t hear what you say about the Bible. Your words and your actions must say the same thing. What has this to do with marriage?
Children can understand most marriage verses; your kids can see whether you’re obeying them or not. There are also marriage-related verses which children know without having to read the Bible:
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
Where does a child go whenever anything goes wrong in the child’s universe? Right to Mommy. A child knows that his father’s wife is a good thing indeed. Adults should learn from this.
I’ve met men who complain about their wives instead of appreciating them. Philippians 2:14 says, “Do all things without murmurings and disputings.” Murmuring about a wife makes her unhappy; Proverbs says five times that an unhappy wife makes her family unhappy. God doesn’t like murmuring either (1 Cor. 10:10).
Parents who don’t follow these oh-so-obvious commands teach their children that the Bible is only a stick for parents to beat kids; it says nothing about adult behavior. Is it any surprise that so many walk away from the Word of God when they grow up? They’ve been taught that adults don’t follow the Bible, so why bother?
Believing that God is good has been the foundation of our marriage. From her youth up, my wife wanted to be a wife and mother. She knew she would have to find a husband who would pay her expenses. As she read the Bible, she realized that God expected her to obey her husband and to follow him.
Instead of complaining about how irrelevant the Bible is to modern customs, she knew that obeying God would bless her somehow because God is good. She realized that she would have to find a man whom she could obey. While she was in college, she met a man she expected to marry. When she asked God, He told her not to marry him. She pulled away because she was convinced that God had her best interests at heart.
When I told her I was going to date her, she said okay, but she set out terms and conditions. “God made me to be a treasure for my husband,” she said, and insisted that I agree that the purpose of dating was to decide whether she and I would marry. From my point of view, this was good - she took God seriously! I knew that if she was serious about following God, if she accepted everything the Bible tells wives to do, marrying her would be a good idea if I did my best to do what God tells husbands to do.
Indeed, it has been. We had no idea where marriage would take us, but we knew that God would get us there if we followed His rules. We trusted Him to order our lives together because we knew that God is good and had seen that He had ordered our lives while we were single.
Everyone has trouble following God’s rules. Accepting Christ’s offer of forgiveness for your sins and asking Him into your heart helps overcome old habits. Jesus Forgives More Than We Can Understand on page 6 shows how He forgave His disciples when they ignored His command to start His church and went fishing instead. He will forgive you and help you straighten out your life if you choose to believe in Him and ask for His help. Handling Conflict on page 41 shows how to handle disagreement without angry words.
The next three words are “God is good.” Do you believe that obeying God’s commands in the Bible will be good for you? How can you trust God with your salvation if you don’t trust Him to order your life?
God is Great, God is Good – now the Last Four Words
Years ago, I asked a Junior Church class, “Is your home better when your mother’s happy or when she’s unhappy?” They looked at me like I had a hole in my head. They all knew that mother’s mood affected the whole house. Why would I ask such a silly question?
Then I asked, “Would it make your mother happy if you thanked her for cooking or doing dishes or laundry or anything she does?” They said “sure,” they knew that thanking mom made her happy. I said, “You can make the mood in your home better by praising your mother. You’re alive because she changed your diapers. You’d have died if she hadn’t. Have any of you thanked your mothers for changing your diapers? Would that be a good idea?” I mentioned the benefits of an “Attitude of Gratitude” often over the next few weeks.
When I asked their mothers, not one of those kids had thanked their mothers for anything. They knew in their heads that thanking mom would make their lives better; they didn’t do it because it hadn’t gotten into their hearts. “Praise ye the Lord” appears 24 times in the book of Psalms. They know the story of the foolish man who built his house upon the sand. Can kids understand, “If ye love me, keep my commandments (John 14:15)?” Why don’t kids praise the Lord? Why don’t they thank others? Same reason we don’t.
God knows that husbands are cement-headed when it comes to wives. Kids know that when mamma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy, but God had to warn husbands 5 times in one book that an unhappy woman is a hardship. Kids must be taught to take action to appreciate their mothers:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Her husband praises her, and the Song of Solomon teaches that he praises her in detail many times per day. Kids are born selfish; they don’t appreciate anyone or anything unless they’re taught. A father has to teach his children by command and by example that they have the most wonderful mother in the world; she “excelleth them all.” He has to teach them to appreciate what God has given them instead of worrying about what God has not given. He has to teach them to appreciate their mother instead of complaining.
He needs to teach them to appreciate the rain that waters the earth and gives us drink. They need to appreciate the glories of God’s creation, the birds and the beasts, in all His marvelous wonder. Kids who spend too much time talking to other kids via smart phones grow up to be self-centered and unappreciative. They need to be taught to appreciate what they have so they won’t whine about what they don’t have. They need to be taught the value of hard work to get what they want instead of complaining.
Moses warned God’s people that they would be carried into captivity unless they served God and loved God with grateful hearts and appreciated everything He had given them:
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
They didn’t love God, they didn’t appreciate the blessings He had given them, so He took everything away, “they were in want of all things.” If we aren’t grateful for what God gives, He may take it away, but we tend to take His gifts for granted. “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.”
This brings us to the last 4 words. God is great; God is good, let us thank Him. The Bible speaks of the wonderful works of God 9 times. “Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!” appears 4 times in Psalm 107. God wants us to keep His commandments for our good. The Psalmist wants us to praise God for our benefit! Kids know in their heads that praising mothers will make their homes happier; fathers need to help them hide that principle in their hearts so they’ll do it. The Song of Solomon teaches married people to praise each other and how to praise each other.
Even lost people learn God’s laws about the blessings of praise in a marriage by looking at His works:
“Expressing appreciation to your partner, noticing the things you love about them and telling them that you love those things about them,” said Ms. Joel, “just has wondrous effects. They feel appreciated, and then in turn they feel better, and just expressing the gratitude makes you feel better, and then they want to reciprocate the gratitude, so then they appreciate you more which makes you feel better.”[37]
Ms. Joel understands that “just expressing the gratitude makes you feel better.” Of course it does! If you think of all the wonderful things God has given you, you’ll be grateful for what God has given you and not worry about what God hasn’t given. We praise God for salvation, but how many of us praise God for marriage? How many of us praise God for giving us spouses? Thanking my wife for letting God give her to me and for all the work she does makes her happier! Ya think?
Kids don't need the warnings in the Bible about an unhappy woman making people unhappy; they know without being told. Here’s another Biblical concept children know without seeing it written down:
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
Kids figure this out early. When kids find that their universe is even slightly out of line, what do they do? They scream for mommy or, if they can walk, they run and find mommy. They know that mommy is a good thing and that she can right most of the wrongs they encounter.
Kids know that it’s important to them that their father sees their mother as a good thing. My youngest son was about six months old when he started clapping whenever I kissed or hugged his mother. I don’t know how he knew that my loving and appreciating his mother was important to him, but he knew.
That’s all the theology you need for a Godly marriage in 10 words: God is great, God is good, let us thank Him. God’s people didn’t appreciate the “land flowing with milk and honey,” He exiled them to Babylon and they lost the blessing of His gift. If a husband doesn’t appreciate his wife, she’ll be unhappy. If a wife isn’t grateful for her husband, he’ll be unhappy. Having an unhappy spouse makes everyone unhappy. If both are unhappy, the family is miserable. Have an attitude of gratitude if you want God’s blessing!
So husbands, can you tell your wife, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” As the kids knew that appreciating their mothers would make life better, just about every man knows that saying that and meaning it would make life better, but that’s only head knowledge.
Men, it’s in your heads, you know she’s a good thing, will you put it in your hearts? Look at your wife and repeat after me, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?”
Will you build your marriage on the rock of working to appreciate and give, or will you build on the sand of complaining and trying to get? You know the story of the wise man who build on the rock and the foolish man who built on the sand, which will you choose? God is great, God is good, let us thank Him.
Thanking God for what He has given you takes your mind off what He has not chosen to give you. Thanking your spouse for living with you and taking care of you takes your mind off shortcomings. God doesn’t like complaining and warns us to have an attitude of gratitude.
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48 *
God’s people didn’t appreciate the blessings He gave them so He took everything away. They were in want of “all things.” We often take His gifts for granted. “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.” Praising God for what He has given us takes our minds off worrying about what He hasn’t given. Lack of appreciation or complaining makes your spouse unhappy, which makes you unhappy, which denies you the blessing God intended for your marriage.
Remember, God is Great, God is Good, Let Us Thank Him! Thank Him for salvation. Thank Him for marriage. Thank your spouse for marrying you and for being content to be with you.
No matter how well you follow the principles in the Bible, there will be disagreement from time to time. There is no reason for disagreement to become so heated that you hurl angry words at each other. There will be disagreement in marriage if only because men and women think so differently; conflict need not be.
Conflicts and angry outbursts between workers cost businesses a lot of money in lost productivity so conflict has been studied a lot. The next chapter presents a simple research-based way to avoid conflict both in relationships and at work. Whether the researchers knew it or not, their study expands on Biblical principles which is why it can be trusted.
God’s rules are very simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is as simple as salvation, its two words, “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him, that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what he hasn’t given.
And theology is simple, God is Great, God is Good, Let Us Thank Him!
Chapter 6 - Saturday Morning 11-12 – Handling Conflict in Marriage
Conflicts between employees put great cost on businesses, schools, families, and any social group. Scholars have spent years studying conflict and ways of dealing with it. At least 80% of these studies are wrong because other researchers don’t get the same answers. How do you tell a good study from a bad one?
To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them. Isaiah 8:20
Biblical principles and conflict researchers come to the same conclusion, particularly for conflict between husbands and wives. The fact that the study of conflict agrees with the Bible means we can trust the research.
For example, the conflict study had a section on call centers. Nobody calls when they’re happy; every caller is upset. That section was full of “If they say this, you could say that.” The Bible says:
A froward man soweth strife Proverbs 16:28 – most callers are forward for one reason or another
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1
The call center section was a list of soft answers to give to callers who were froward in various ways. I don’t want to be forward when I call; I generally say, “Your computer is being mean to me, can you help me figure out why?” Every call center employee is frustrated by the computer every day; this approach puts me and the call center person on the same side, trying to reason with an unreasonable computer.
Disagreement in Marriage
There will be disagreements in any marriage; there are always disagreements whenever two or more people try to do anything together. Disagreements may be more common in marriage because men and women think so differently. God commands husbands not to be bitter when wives do something inexplicable:
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19 *
Similarly, women say it’s hard to understand what a man had in mind no matter how he tries to explain.
Disagreement is inevitable; conflict is not. Disagreement becomes conflict when we let our emotions and feelings into the discussion. This chapter discusses ways to keep disagreement from turning into conflict.
Logic and Emotion
God gave us the ability to think and act with our emotions, that is, from our hearts. He also gave us the ability to think and act logically, that is, from our minds.
God gave us emotions so we’d be fruitful and multiply. There’s no logical reason for a man to dedicate his life to supporting his wife and children. There’s no logical reason for a woman to dedicate her life to taking care of her husband and family. The strangest thing about babies is that having had one, and learning how much work they are, a woman wants another one, and another after that.
Our emotions, that is, the things we do from the heart, determine what we are:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
The Bible commands five times that we “love the LORD thy God with all thine heart,…” (De. 6:5[38], 30:6[39], Mt. 22:37[40], Mk. 12:30[41], Lk. 10:27[42]). Our hearts are so important to God that although these passages list mind, soul, and strength in various ways, heart always comes first. If God has our hearts, the rest follows.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
We must keep, or guard, our hearts because our heartfelt emotions drive our lives. Keep your heart by giving it to God and keep it perfect with God as David did. Having his heart perfect with God didn’t mean David didn’t sin just as keeping your heart perfect with your spouse doesn’t mean you won’t sin. David never valued anything more than he valued God. He never valued any of the heathen idols. Keeping your heart perfect in marriage means you won’t pursue anyone else or value anyone else as you value your spouse.
The emotions that bind men and women together are powerful enough to hold families together in spite of many trials. God expects us to rule these powerful emotions with our logical minds:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
You can stop conflict by holding your emotions in check and speaking calmly and logically.
Emotion drives Conflict
Disagreement turns to conflict when your emotions get aroused; you can discuss issues without conflict if you stay logical and factual by keeping your feelings out of the discussion. Conflict in marriage can be especially damaging because the emotions that drive marriage are so powerful.
The Bible teaches married people to give up their wants in favor of the other:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
That’s easy to say, but it can be hard to figure out how to do it, particularly when your emotions are aroused. There are three Biblical principles that can defuse just about any conflict:
1) The other person didn’t mean to make you angry. That wasn’t the goal; your anger was an accident.
2) The conflict is all about you; it has nothing to do with the other person.
3) When you talk about your anger or your upset, never say, “you,” always say “I.”
Making You Angry is Usually an Accident
The Bible promises that married people want to make each other happy; they don’t want to create anger:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34
Men know very little about women, but they all know that an angry woman is a hardship (Proverbs 21:9[43], 19:13[44], 21:19[45], 25:24[46], 27:15[47]). Workers know that angry co-workers make everyone miserable. Adults hardly ever try to make each other angry on purpose, but we’re all creatures of the flesh. We get careless, tired, frustrated, irritated, thoughtless, or selfish. It’s easy for any of us to do something that makes someone else angry without even thinking about it. Bible says:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. Colossians 3:13
“Forbearing one another” is another word for “assume good faith.” Hurting you was not the plan.
The conflict is about you, it has nothing to do with the other person!
The other person probably has no idea that you’re upset or angry. Irritating you wasn’t the plan; it was an unfortunate, unintended result of seeking some other goal. Your emotions can be aroused by your pride:
He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat. Proverbs 28:25
Whomever irritated you will most likely be astounded when you bring it up. The other person may have forgotten about it. If it’s not forgotten, you’ll have different memories of what happened. This isn’t because the other person is lying. Assuming that the hurt wasn’t intended, they’ll see it differently from you because you were hurt. In any case, it’s rare for two people to have the same memory of any event.
Suppose something made you really angry. You can’t let it go and you have to talk about it. You must keep your emotions and your anger out of the discussion of your anger. You can have a calm discussion of something that made you very angry, but it takes self-control. That’s what the Bible commands:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. Matthew 18:15
“Trespass,” means anything that irritates you. Unfortunately, many Bibles have the uninspired heading “Church Discipline” near this passage. That makes people want to talk about offenses only when someone could be thrown out of the church even though the chapter deals with reconciliation, lost sheep, and healing. Research says that the best path when someone offends you is to go and talk about it calmly no matter how minor it seems. The Bible agrees; “trespass” means anything offensive. The sooner you do this the better.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26
There are several reasons to handle irritations promptly:
1) Whomever offended you may not know you were offended; they’ll forget unless you bring it up soon.
2) The longer you wait, the more you’ll play it over in your mind and the more upset you’ll get.
3) The more you play it over in your mind, the more your memory of the event changes.
Avoiding anger can be especially difficult for a woman when the hormones of pregnancy or monthly cycle make it easy to upset her. Men must be very gentle and loving when hormones affect her brain, page 114.
When you talk about anger or hurt, never say, “you,” always say “I”
Angry spouses often hurl accusations at each other. A wife may say, “You don’t love me,” a man may tell his wife, “You never do anything right.” Words said in anger or in pain make the situation worse:
A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife. Proverbs 15:18
Either party can say, “I felt unloved when that happened.” That’s a true statement. It’s like your salvation testimony, nobody can argue with it. Your spouse may remember it differently, however. There is never only one version of the past; there are at least two memories of what happened, maybe more.
Don’t argue about memory. Let go of “You did that.” – “No, I didn’t.” Assume good faith – your spouse probably isn’t lying when his or her memory differs from yours. Even if you don’t agree on what happened, you can focus on the emotions and try to figure out how to keep what angered you from angering you again.
It’s important not to accuse the other party. If a woman tells her husband he doesn’t love her, he’ll disagree because of all the things he does because he loves her. If he decides he can’t please her, he may stop trying. If a husband criticizes his wife’s efforts to please him, she may become discouraged and give up.
Don’t say, “When you did that...” Keeping it impersonal by saying “when that happened” puts you and your spouse on the same side. As partners, you can work together to figure out how to solve the problem. Accusations put you and your spouse on opposite sides. Hurling emotion back and forth makes it worse:
Surely the churning of milk bringeth forth butter, and the wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood: so the forcing of wrath bringeth forth strife. Proverbs 30:33
It’s best to list good things when mentioning any upset. A man can say, “What we just did didn’t work out as well as yesterday, and I liked what you did this morning.” A wife can say, “In my heart, what happened today made me feel unloved even though I know you love me. You come home, you work to support us, you praise the food, you play with the kids.” The Bible usually puts the negative first and ends with the positive – “the fool … but the wise …” A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Here’s how to minimize conflict:
1) It’s generally an accident; adults very seldom try to make each other angry on purpose.[48]
2) The hurt and anger are all about you, the other person may have no clue that you’re upset.
3) Never say “you.” Say “I” to focus on your feelings. Talk about how you felt, not who did what.
4) Listen to the other party, particularly if emotion is leaking in. It takes effort for men to understand what a woman is talking about and vice versa, but if you don’t listen respectfully and carefully for as long as it takes to understand, how can you fix the problem?
5) Have
an agreement in place that if someone needs a “time out” to keep from saying
hurtful things, whoever leaves must return within 24 hours. Knowing
that the other party will come back makes the situation far less worrisome for
both parties. This shouldn’t happen, but leaving for a while can be better
than saying hurtful things which you can neither take back nor erase:
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor
Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel Half a Line, Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of
it.”
6) One of you must help the other in time of trouble (Ecc. 4:9-12[49]). You can’t both be swamped at the same time. If a wife’s stressed because company’s coming, her husband must help her, and he can’t rest until she recovers. If he’s overwhelmed, she must help him even if she’d like to let go.
This is easy to say, but it can be hard to do. The rest of this chapter explores applications.
Good Faith is Unbelievably Important
I did something very Japanese on our first date that made my wife angry. She could have gotten in her car and driven home. I would have been badly hurt. If she’d done that, we probably wouldn’t have married.
She thought, “This guy’s smitten with me. He didn’t offer to buy me food to make me mad.” Instead of showing her anger, she gently asked me why I’d done it. When I told her, she liked my reason. She saw that there would be many such issues in the future, but she knew that I would tell her why. When I opened my heart to her as Boaz opened his heart to Ruth the day they met (Ruth 2:11-12[50]), she knew that if I told her why I did strange things, we’d be OK. Her assuming that I didn’t want to anger her got her a husband.
“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken!” – Oliver Cromwell
What You Believe Determines What You Do
God is good and marriage is good. Psalm 107 says four times, “Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!” The psalmist saw that people don’t really believe that God is good. If they thought God was good, they’d obey Him so He could bless them.
Marriage is one of God’s wonderful works. It’s too wonderful to be put into words:
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19
Nobody marries to make the other person unhappy. The bride expects that the groom will be happy with her, and the groom expects that his bride will be happy with him (I Corinthians 7:32-34).
God loved all of us enough to send His Son to die so that our sins could be forgiven and we’d have everlasting life (John 3:16). God invented salvation out of love for us. God also invented marriage. If He loved us enough to send His Son to die for us so that we could have joy in the next life if we pursue salvation according to His instructions, don’t you think He loved us enough to create marriage so that we could be joyous in this life if we take up marriage according to His instructions?
I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10b
Jesus wants our lives to be abundant! The bride and groom want marriage to overflow with joy. God is party to their marriage vows (Malachi 2:14[51]), He wants it to be so good that it shines a light to the lost.
Marriage hasn’t worked out wonderfully for lots of Christians. Given that all parties wanted it to be good, when a marriage isn’t good, it’s a sign that something went wrong and something must change. Continuing with whatever you’re doing and expecting better results is one of the definitions of insanity.
Many Christians say, “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him,” but few act as if they believe God is good. The Bible teaches husband and wife to belong to each other; most Christians would rather keep emotional and physical independence. The Bible teaches that a husband should lead his wife by serving her; many husbands prefer to command. The Bible teaches that a wife should obey her husband; most wives would rather do what her husband would have told her to do if he had understood the situation as she did. Doing salvation our way takes us to Hell; doing marriage our way can make life Hell on earth.
God commands us to praise Him because praising Him reminds of what He’s given us and makes us less likely to be unhappy about what we don’t have. Scientists recommend praise between husband and wife:
“Expressing appreciation to your partner, noticing the things you love about them and telling them that you love those things about them,” said Ms. Joel, “just has wondrous effects. They feel appreciated, and then in turn they feel better, and just expressing the gratitude makes you feel better, and then they want to reciprocate the gratitude, so then they appreciate you more which makes you feel better.”[52]
A study in Emotion found that completing an act of compassion for a spouse–like clearing snow off the spouse’s windshield in the morning–improves the giver’s emotional well-being, even when the spouse doesn’t acknowledge it. Under these circumstances, the giver may get up to 45% more emotional benefit than the recipient.[53]
Wives appreciate husbands putting toilet seats down, and there are countless ways to show love and appreciation. My wife’s hairbrush collects hair. It takes 30 seconds to pull the hair out with a comb. That doesn’t save her much effort, but it warms her heart to be reminded that she’s on my radar.
Relating to God and His Word
Following the Bible helps handle conflict. God is His Word (John 1:1). Your view of God shows in how you handle His word. Suppose a wife tells her husband over and over that she likes vanilla ice cream, but he always brings home chocolate. She won’t believe anything he says about loving her or caring for her because he won’t “dwell according to knowledge (I Pe. 3:7).” Jesus asked, “And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say (Luke 6:46)?” Can someone who ignores what the Bible teaches really love God?
The simplest solution to marriage problems requires that you believe that God is good so you can follow His plan for marriage. God knew what men wanted when He made women. God also knew what men needed. Men who refuse to see how women meet their needs, as opposed to their wants, often feel that God made women incorrectly. Their complaints make their wives unhappy, which makes everyone unhappy.
Marriage is a gift from God; you don’t deserve it. A woman doesn’t deserve her husband dedicating his life to taking care of her and leading her by serving her, that’s a gift from God who made men and from him as he chooses to spend his life nourishing her and cherishing her. A man isn’t worthy of his wife’s submission, that’s a gift from God who made her and from her when she chose to obey God and belong to her husband.
Marriage prospers if you have an “attitude of gratitude” to God for His gift of marriage and serve your spouse in gratitude to your spouse for being yours. If you think of marriage as something God or your spouse owes you, it won’t work no matter how many books you read or how many counselors you see.
The only way two people can be “no more twain but one flesh (Mk. 10:8)” as Jesus expects is for both to die to their former lives and be re-born into a one-flesh married unit. God expects husband and wife to serve each other. When you serve your spouse, you aren’t just serving your spouse, you’re also serving God.
If you’re saved, God sees you as perfect because Jesus’ blood has washed your sins away (Ps. 103:12[54], I Cor. 6:11[55]). We’re commanded to treat each other with kindness (Eph. 4-32[56]) and follow after God (Eph. 5:1-2[57]). God sees you as perfect and sees your spouse as perfect. You must follow after God and choose to see your spouse as perfect for you. See your spouse as perfect, talk about your spouse as perfect, value your spouse as perfect and the marriage will work.
We’ve discussed Bible-based ways to keep disagreements which are inevitable in any marriage from escalating to conflict. The next chapter discusses common sources of conflict in marriages.
Chapter 7 - Saturday Afternoon 1-2 – Sources of Conflict – Sex and Communication Styles
The main sources of conflict in marriage are personality, in-laws, children, sex, communication, and money.
Personality
People whose lives are merged closely with someone else can become irritated by personality traits. Some characteristics are related to gender. Men do things that annoy women just by being men. Talking to other women showed my wife that many men annoy their wives by doing the same things I do that annoy her.
Older women must teach younger women about men (Titus 2:3-5). After she’d said that a man plans to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed (Gen. 29:21), a woman said, “If I’d known that, I’d have stayed with my 1st husband. My 2nd did the same thing.” We must all cling to Jesus’ words:
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22 *
Some say that in saying 490 times, Jesus commanded unlimited forgiveness. I agree. I’ve been married longer than 490 months. If I annoyed my wife only once per month, she wouldn’t have to forgive any more if she’d counted. I suspect I annoy her more often than that, so I’m glad she decided to laugh about it and appreciate the ways men differ from women instead of being angry.
Other habits have nothing to do with man or woman. My wife’s a neatnick; she believes there’s a place for everything and everything must be in its place. God arranged that opposites attract so we’d bring forth after our kind. If tall people married tall and short people married short, there’d be two kinds instead of one.
It should be no surprise that I’m a trashnik, the opposite of a neatnick. My wife cleans off a table; when I come in carrying something, I tend to put it in the first open space. It frustrates her that her efforts to be neat and put everything away are frustrated. To her, I’m a clutterbug. She saves old clothes, so she’s a pack rat.
“Trashnick” is tactless so let’s use “innie” and “outie.” An innie wants everything put away; an outie wants things out in the open where they’re easy to find. I’ve an innie friend who married without seeing her husband’s house. “The living room was full of tires,” she said. He had 8 tires, 4 for each vehicle. An outie keeps tires in the living room so he can find them. “It took me a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and another two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went carefully and slowly instead of just taking over his house. As he came to trust that she could find his socks, underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Our 16 month old son visited grandma’s house. He pointed to a 2 inch piece of white string on her rug and said “Broom, broom.” When grandma asked what he wanted, he crawled to the closet and patted the vacuum cleaner. He wanted her to clean up this intolerable messiness. His personality and his mother’s innie training made him even innier than she, so his extreme outie wife has had to work hard to learn his innie ways.
An innie woman married to an outie is frustrated because she can’t keep her house as neat as she’d like. I know my wife’s distress, but it’s hard for me to avoid messing up. I have to work at being better at that. It’s probably harder for an outie wife married to an innie husband. It’s hard for an innie to understand just how difficult it is for an outie to act like an innie. My son’s wife can clean like a white tornado when she has to; she can put everything away very fast. Over the years she’s learned her husband’s ways, but it was a hard slog.
When she visits, she tends to think that my wife is rebellious because my wife’s house is not as neat as her husband expects of her. She doesn’t realize that my wife’s husband isn’t an innie like her husband.
Couples draw closer to each other over time. I Corinthians 14:40 commands “Let all things be done decently and in order,” so the outie should probably move further toward the innie than vice versa. We have to consider our testimony; even lost people know that “cleanliness is next to Godliness.” I have a ways to go.
On the other hand, the term “control freak” describes innies who overdo it.
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Philippians 4:5
Some people like to plan everything out way in advance; others prefer to just do whatever comes up. To some, “Yes” is a 100% commitment, to others, “Yes” means “Maybe” or “If possible.”
If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18
Living peaceably with your spouse is worth a great deal of work, time, effort, thought, and prayer.
Conflict with In-Laws
Your in-laws are your spouse's parents. Very few parents want their children to be unhappy. No matter what they think of you, your in-laws know that if they make you unhappy, their child who’s joined to you will be unhappy. When your in-laws make you unhappy, it’s generally an accident because they don’t want their child miserable. Most in-law troubles come from lack of communication and lack of understanding.
In the old days, young people married from the same town. We travel further these days and many people marry without a lot of common cultural background. That can make in-law communication difficult, particularly if your in-laws and your spouse have different cultures which can lead to misunderstandings.
Years ago, I worked with a young engineer named Joe Dziezanowski and an office assistant named Nancy Smith. In the course of time, Joe and Nancy married, so she goes through her life spelling her new name, Dzie… and so on. They decided to visit his grandparents in Poland, so she called the embassy to ask them to mail a visa application. She hears the usual, “Spell it, please,” so she starts “Dizez.” “Lady,” the man says, “I’m Polish. Dziezanowski I can spell. What I can’t spell is ‘Nancy’.”
I have a friend whose wife’s parents fled Iran just before the Shah fell. She grew up in America and has a light complexion. You’d think she’s an all-American girl with a tan. Her parents never adapted to America, however, so their cultural conflicts get pretty tangled. My friend and his wife share a common American culture; her Iranian parents confuse her as much as his in-laws confuse him.
Cultural confusion can be long-lasting and hard to resolve. My wife and I painted one of our bathrooms. I was at my in-laws that weekend and told them we’d painted it green.
Next time she visited, my mother-in-law said, “You painted the bathroom again.” My wife said, “No, we painted it once.” Mother in law said, “Your husband said you painted it green but its blue.” She looked at me funny. I told her, “I'm not colorblind; I just get the names mixed up.” She looked at me funnier.
When I asked my wife what happened, she said my mother in law thought I was mentally defective.
Several years later, my wife took Japanese lessons because we planned to visit the town in Japan where I’d grown up. After an early lesson, she said, “I understand blue and green!” Japanese have a word for the color of grass and they use the same word for the color of the sky. I grew up using one word for both colors. It never occurred to me that getting the English words mixed up was strange – my Japanese friends did it all the time, and Kentucky blue grass looks green to me.
My wife’s mother accepted this, sort of, but didn't really believe it until she visited Japan and asked.
That’s the sort of disconnect you get with cross-culture in-laws. My mother-in-law knew that her daughter had married me for better or worse and she didn’t rag about her mentally-deficient son-in-law. Had she done so, life would have been difficult unless she noticed how badly her daughter was suffering and stopped.
We solved this problem because my wife remembered the issue for years and saw the solution when it came. Here’s another culture-clash. My mother was teaching child development at a Japanese college. She spoke of “The first trimester … the second trimester…” A student asked, “What’s a trimester?” Mom said, “Its 1/3 of a pregnancy. Pregnancy is 9 months; a trimester is 1/3 of the pregnancy, so a trimester is 3 months.”
Ever been teaching and realize that something you said totally, utterly lost the entire class? Mom had no clue what she’d said, but there was total disconnect, all the lights went out at once. Finally, a student said, “But Taylor sensei, pregnancy takes 10 months in Japan. We’ve been having babies a long time and we know.”
From her youth up, my mother had been told about 9 month pregnancies, and she’d had 3. However, all the students lit back up, the lights came back on, so she had to roll with ten-month pregnancies.
She drew 11 vertical lines for 10 months of pregnancy. Class-wide nods. She turned the chalk sideways and drew two fat lines at 3 1/3 months and 6 2/3 months. “Americans divide pregnancy into thirds. This is the first trimester, this is the second, …” as the class learned about another crazy round-eye custom.
Japanese pregnancies do take 10 months. Why? On average, pregnancy takes 280 days. 280 divided by 9 is 31, so pregnancy is 9 31-day western months. The Japanese word for “month” uses the character for “moon.” 280 days divided by a 28-day lunar month is 10. What happens when a Japanese wife who’s English isn’t all that great becomes pregnant in the US and asks a 9-month obstetrician when she’s due?
Suppose an American college student goes to Japan and marries a Japanese girl. His Japanese isn’t wonderful and her English is incomplete. Who’s going tell his parents when they fly over for the wedding that in Japan, the groom’s family is responsible for paying for the wedding? And that the custom is for each family to send one person to the reception, but that person must bring home enough food so that everyone in their family gets a taste? Assuming they get through that, what happens when she’s expecting and tells her American mother-in-law, “I’m in my 10th month!” Her 9-month in-law will freak.
My brother knew a well-educated Japanese lady whose niece was marrying an American. “I don’t know if they can have children,” she mourned. “American pregnancies take only 9 months, we take 10. Their body temperature is 98(F), and we’re 37(C). How can they have babies?” Well, they can! For in-law issues:
1) They don’t want to make you unhappy if only for the sake of their own child’s happiness.
2) Subtle cultural issues can take years to figure out. Pay close attention at all times!
3) You don’t just marry your spouse, you marry the whole family. If you think ill of each other, so be it, but shut up about it. Unhappy in-laws will make your spouse unhappy. That will make you unhappy.
4) There may be severe doctrinal differences between you and your in-laws. In those cases, cling to the Lord and remember that they, too, need Christ.
Our society has far too many sub-cultures to list them all. For example, people who work in Internet marketing use the term “blast” to mean sending out email or text messages to prospective customers. One of my friends received an email that referred to “blasting.” Not knowing how techies used the term, she thought she was being criticized. Instead of blasting back, however, she asked and learned what the writer meant.
In-laws should remember, God expects each couple to establish a separate household. Jesus said:
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Matthew 19:5
Our society has no “rite of passage,” a ceremony that indicates that a child is now an adult. Parents often have trouble realizing that children have grown up and must make their own way. My wife’s mother was secretary of a 1,000 member church. If we’d married there, we’d have had to invite the whole congregation and my relatives would have been lost in the mob. We had a small wedding in the church where we met.
Her pastor was hurt, but I explained that I had had to prove to one and to all that she was now mine. He understood, and forgave me. We didn’t drive 45 minutes to spend our first Christmas with my in-laws. I had to prove to them and to my wife that she now belonged to me; we came for New Years instead.
However, we had had Thanksgiving dinner with them. My mother-in-law always cooked to exhaustion – if she had any energy left, she’d bake another pie. After dinner, I stripped the meat off the turkey and got the bones ready for soup. She decided I had some value, which made missing us at Christmas less painful.
Mother-in-law jokes refer to the husband’s mother-in-law because men forget the saying, “If you would the maiden win, with her mother first begin.” Women differ greatly, but a wife and her mother differ less than most women. Learn to praise and appreciate a wife’s mother, if only to learn how to praise your wife.
Maintaining solid relationships with in-laws gives your children the blessing of grandparents. Your in-laws raised your spouse. Your children will be like your spouse and may do some of the same things your spouse did during childhood. Grandparents really have seen it all before. You don’t have to rediscover all the lessons of parenthood for yourself if you draw on the wisdom, knowledge, and scars of your in-laws.
The best way to deal with in-laws is to show them and your spouse over and over how much you love, appreciate, cherish, and nourish their child. My mother-in-law could see how much I loved her daughter. That made it easier for her to accept her mentally-defective son-in-law who couldn’t tell blue from green.
It’s stupid to recycle old mistakes your in-laws could have told you about. Communicate! Never assume hostility where none is meant. Your anger is about you, not about the other person.[58]
Children
Malachi 2:15 explains why God brings men and women together into “one flesh.” “And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed.” God gets servants by having the servants He has have children. Children can cause great stress, which is one reason He made the bonds between men and women so strong.
When my wife taught school, a hardware merchant loved helping her buy things for her classroom. When she told him she planned to marry, he said, “May all your problems be children.” What did he mean?
Lots of kids become picky eaters which can bring great frustration. This attitude is forbidden by God:
Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving: For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer. I Timothy 4:3-5
If you’ve thanked the Lord for the food, it’s sanctified to God, and is not to be refused or criticized. We had a system. The child didn’t have to clean the plate in case we gave too much, but the plate went in the refrigerator came out at the next meal. And the next meal, and the meal after that in stubborn cases.
When he was four, my son decided a few days before Christmas that he absolutely, positively would not eat his last spoonful of Spanish rice. He’d eaten the rest, but the last bite was anathema. We put it away, and brought it out, and put it away, and brought it out again. This went on for four days.
Finally, my wife took our other son and drove off to grandma’s for Christmas. The holdout realized that I meant what I said, if he didn’t yield, he and I would miss Christmas. He ate the last spoonful.
Why was my son so stubborn? He liked Spanish rice. What was going on? Where did he get the strength of character to hold out for four days? Ever hear of DNA? Ever hear of heredity? The Bible says, As is the mother, so is her daughter (Ezekiel 16:44) and that Adam bore a son in his own likeness (Gen. 5:3).
I knew the passage about mothers and daughters. When I met my future in-laws, I took a good look at her mother. My future wife had her mother’s DNA and most of what she knew about being a wife had been taught by her mother. Her mother was a truly gracious lady and her father was happy. I decided that if my wife acted the same way at that age, I’d be just fine. Her mother appreciated me when I told her that.
The Bible says your kids are you. My father said children were perfect mirrors, showing all their parents’ faults. Children show us the things we did wrong when we were children, and what’s worse, they show us things we still do wrong. It’s humbling to admit to your child that you blew it and that you’re trying to change. Kids don’t expect their parents to be perfect; I’ve never lost points with my children by confessing error, but humbling yourself before a child is no fun at all, but covering mistakes ends up being worse.
Having children fling your sins in your face is painful. It’s worse when your child marries and your child’s spouse realizes that you have the same problem. Heredity makes problems with children more intense.
We had no static about food for years after the Spanish rice episode. One evening, a son said, “I don’t like this.” I swept it off his plate and divided it among the 4 of us. “What’ll I eat?” he asked. “Nothing. You didn’t want it; that’s all there is.” “May I leave?” “No, this is dinner time. Stay here.” That ended that.
When my sons got to college, they were astounded at how few of their classmates would eat college food. Picky kids had grown up to be picky college students. I wonder what they eat now.
To be fair, parents have to set an example of eating with thanks. My mom served carrots at a meal when I was about to go off to college. Dad looked at her and said, “Do I have to keep eating these any longer?”
Mom smiled and said probably not. We were bewildered. It turned out that dad hated carrots from his youth up, but he and mom sincerely believed that all things are to be eaten with thanks. He’d set an example for us by eating carrots for decades. My brothers and I divided up his carrots; they weren’t wasted.
My wife’s parents didn’t like Brussels sprouts or broccoli. They had them often, and their kids never knew. Both our families found that giving thanks for all foods was powerful testimony to people from other cultures.
Your examples speak so loudly that your kids can’t hear a thing you say. What’s worse, your children are you! You’re re-living your failures. Past a certain age, you know it will hit the wall, and you can’t stop it. All you can do is pray and, knowing the terror of the lord (II Cor. 5:11), try to persuade. Other child-related conflicts feed on lack of communication. Unlike in laws who seldom deliberately stir up conflict between spouses, children look for areas where you disagree. The child wants to get out of a chore or wants to do something one or both parents might not approve.
Things change visibly when a child accepts salvation and then change again when he or she decides to belong to the Lord, but an unsaved child’s heart doesn’t belong to God. Your self-centered child’s full time job is figuring out how to manipulate you to get what the child wants. When asking permission, a manipulative child goes to the parent the child believes is most likely to say “Yes.”
A simple way to deal with this is to decree that a child must get “Yes” from both parents and that either parent may say “No” without knowing why. It took us several years to figure this out, but it helped a lot.
We found that neither of us ever had all the information. Somehow, either by accident or by design, the child seeking “Yes” often left out important details. The answer usually became obvious if we took the time to pool everything either of us knew, called other parents, and pried more details out of the child.
Years later, we overheard one of our sons say to a friend, “Mom won't let me do that.” His friend asked, “Have you asked your dad.” Our son said, “He’ll ask what mom said. If I haven't asked her, he’ll talk to her about it. If she said ‘No,’ he’ll ask, ‘Then why are you asking me?’ and I’ll be in trouble.”
We tried to let our sons do as many new things as we could, but they had to convince both of us.
We learned the value of vague feelings when a friend’s daughter came back from college with a boyfriend. He was a successful businessman who was good at hiring and at pleasing customers. He couldn’t explain why, but he did not like this young man. He told his daughter, “I’d never hire him; you may not marry him.”
His wife had planned the wedding in her mind and was looking forward to grandchildren. His daughter hadn’t kept her heart. She was convinced that she was in love and her sister sympathized. My friend had not one, not two, but three contentious women dwelling with him (Pr. 21:19, 27:15).
It's easy to tell when a wife is unhappy with her husband – it shows in her body language, her walk, and in her tone of voice. A couple of weeks later there was a sudden change; the three women were content. They had learned something about the young man that made them agree that they didn’t want him in their family. The father had been right, even though he couldn’t say what bothered him.
Communication Styles
Men and women have different ways of communicating, which makes getting to agreement more difficult. Men sometimes feel that women act more on their feelings than they should, but consider:
a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
The exact mixture of logic, emotion, and intuition that God gives a wife helps her guide her house and makes women think very differently from men. It’s amazing how different their thoughts can be. A wife told her husband, “Buy me a carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6.” He bought 6 cartons of milk. When she asked why, he said, “They had avocados.” Then there’s the husband who told his wife he was getting her a diamond for their anniversary. She said, “Nothing would please me more.” so he got her nothing.
Then there’s the husband who found a note on the refrigerator, “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opens the fridge, finds it is working, doesn’t understand why she thought it was broken, and sits down to wait for her to get back from her mother’s place. She, of course, is waiting for him to call her. Disconnect!
It’s likely that she’d been hinting of trouble and he’d missed it. A friend sent me an email illustration of the total disconnects that can happen between men and women.
Her diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong - he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slyly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you too.” When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. H e just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His diary: My motorcycle won't start, and I don't know why.
Men tend to focus more intently than women do, but no man should lock his wife out of his thoughts. He should let her make him aware of her distress, work to find out why, and reassure her:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
On our first date, my wife said something profound and I started thinking about it. About 20 seconds later, she put her hand on my arm and asked, “Where are you?” I said I was in the restaurant, and she said, “No, your mind is a million miles away; I can see it in your eyes.” My lights were on, but nobody was home.
I told her what she’d said that was important and explained how I was trying to fit it into what I already knew. She liked the fact that I would think so hard about what she said and she found the world where her thoughts had taken me to be interesting, but most of all, she liked the way I opened my heart to her.
Remember how God punished Eve:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
A wife generally has a strong desire to please her husband. She needs to know that he still loves and values her, and she needs to hear this many times per day. I was in a meeting and my friend’s wife telephoned from the bank to ask a question. They talked for 2 minutes, and we resumed. A half-hour later, she called from the post office for another 2 minutes. “Why does she keep checking with me?” he asked.
“Because she wants you to be pleased with what she does. That is a gift from God to men. You need to tell her how much you appreciate her checking to make sure things happen the way you want them.”
While working from home for years, I developed fierce powers of concentration to do my job. My wife would ask, “Why did you let child A violate rule B?” not realizing that I hadn’t known child A was in the room.
No matter how hard I was thinking, however, I had to let her interrupt when she needed attention, if only to remind her that she was more important than my work. She learned to wait while I hit the “save” key, then I was hers. Sometimes she had a question, sometimes she just wanted a smile, but she needed it badly.
Suppose your wife is in a bad auto accident. The surgeons put her back together, but she needs regular doses of painkillers so her muscles can relax enough to heal. No matter how busy you are, wouldn’t you set an alarm clock to be sure to give her pills on schedule to meet her physical needs and heal her pain?
A wife needs regular doses of attention and appreciation, that’s what “your desire” means. You have to let her set the dose of attention and appreciation to meet her emotional needs and not cause her pain. To be one as Jesus expects, you have to die to yourself in favor of her and the family. It’s no longer “you,” it’s “us.”
Most wives think their husbands should understand them, but not even God expects a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
There’s a big difference between knowing and understanding. My wife believes our quilt isn’t square and the flowers have to be right side up instead of sideways or upside-down. She can’t sleep if the quilt’s on the bed wrong because, she says, it doesn’t cover her when I’m in the bed. I say it’s king-size and she’s a small woman, it’s wide enough to warm her either way, but she doesn’t agree.
There are 7 wrong ways to lay a quilt but only one right way. For years, she was frustrated because I put the quilt on wrong when I tried to help her. She could’ve thought, “If he loved me, he’d know how I want the quilt,” but she knew I loved her. She finally decided I really couldn’t tell which way was up. Then she noticed a tag on the quilt and told me to put the tag in my corner. That solved the problem.
Do I understand this? I do not. But I know it; I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it. This makes her feel loved because she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care; she knows I do it just for her. When you do something just to make your wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to belong to you even if you don’t understand her.
This took patience. I see no difference between the top and bottom, but the tag, I can find. She had to be patient while she figured out how to tell me how to meet her needs. I figured out putting toilet seats down and rinsing the sink after I brush my teeth by myself, but the quilt, I simply didn’t get.
After I told this story at a meeting, a woman mourned that her husband never laid their quilt with the eagle’s feet toward the bottom of the bed. Her husband was passing near her and said, “The eagle doesn’t have feet.” Her talk about putting the feet down was wasted because they weren’t on the same planet.
Some say I belittle my wife by saying she cares so much about a quilt but that’s silly. God wants children. It does no good for a child to be born if it dies because someone overlooks a detail. Women worry about a huge number of details that aren’t on a man’s radar. A woman’s “baby bag” has many different things in it which change with the seasons and with who’s sick. A man thinks the quilt’s just as warm no matter how it’s on the bed; women agree that there’s one right way to spread a quilt, the other 7 ways are wrong.
This doesn’t mean that all women will agree on how to spread a quilt. One may choose one side for the top; another might prefer the other side. One may want the flowers facing the head of the bed so she can see them from the foot, another might want them the other way so she can see them from her pillow.
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
My wife manages many details of guiding our home and children, I’m glad I don’t have to. I concentrate on the Big Picture, but when something matters to my wife, it had better matter to me. If I don’t care about what matters to her, if I don’t look on her things, she thinks she doesn’t matter to me.
Reporting and Rapport
Men use “report talk” to say what happened. Women use “rapport talk” to build relationships.[59] Women bond to each other by sharing stories. Men bond by sharing experiences. Women have a deep need to talk; “strong, silent type” describes men who don’t talk much. Here’s example of relational woman talk:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream. He should have relied on her feelings. On the other hand, a wife must let her husband punish their children when necessary no matter how she feels:
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14
We never heard what was wrong with the rejected boyfriend, but we’ve seen bad marriages give a taste of the punishments of Hell. Our friend’s daughter probably saved herself from Hell on earth by obeying her dad.
A man can’t protect his family without either cooperation or incarceration. If our friend’s daughter hadn’t cooperated with her father, if she’d run off with this guy, he couldn’t have protected her. Juliet’s father tried to keep her away from Romeo and appointed the family nurse to keep her at home. Juliet fooled the nurse, snuck off, and got together with Romeo. It didn’t turn out well – they both ended up dead.
Peter Pan told Wendy to stay in the clearing. Captain Hook kidnapped her when she disobeyed and went walking in the woods. Peter had to risk his life in a sword fight to get her back. If he’d known he wouldn’t get Wendy’s cooperation, should he have used incarceration by locking her in the house?
Fathers aren’t infallible. Jacob let his daughter Dina go out to “see the daughters of the land;” Shechem raped her (Gen. 34). David told his daughter Tamar to go see Amnon and didn’t make Amnon marry Tamar after Amnon raped her (II Samuel 13). Did David or Jacob ask their wives for advice before doing these things?
The hardest part about parenting is persuading children that your ways are right. They may obey while living with you, but when they leave, they’ll do what they think is right. Unless you convince them that your ways are best before they leave home, they’ll do something else, to your sorrow.
Chapter 8 - Saturday Afternoon 2-3 – Sources of Conflict – What We Say and What We Do
We communicate by what we say and by what we do. Actions speak louder than words - what we do speaks so loudly that nobody can hear what we say. Of all the things married people do, sex communicates the most vividly. If a woman deflects her husband’s desires or he deflects hers, they aren’t following the principle of belonging to each other described by the woman in Song 2:16 who says, “My beloved is mine, and I am his:”
If a man won’t stop when his wife says, “Ouch,” he’s telling her that he doesn’t mind hurting her.
Sex is important to a man. Although women enjoy sex from time to time, they're not generally as driven for sex as men are. Most women yearn to build relationships by sharing their heartfelt feelings instead. Open-hearted conversation is as vital to a woman’s well-being as open-hearted sex is to a man.
Most men know that lying about love helps persuade women to have sex, but few understand how deeply relationships matter to women. God told Adam that he would eat by the sweat of his face (Gen. 3:19[60]). Eve wasn't strong enough to hunt or to farm without machinery and she had other burdens while pregnant, nursing, and raising children. Through generations of hunter-gathering and muscle-powered agriculture, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her. If a woman’s relationship with her provider fell apart, she and her children might starve. Maintaining and strengthening relationships was a matter of life and death.
Having her husband open his heart to her so that she knows that the relationship is in good shape is as important to her as having his wife open her body to him is to a man.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
Why is he so eager to come home? Will he rejoice in how neatly she’s stacked their linen closet? Or is he confident that she’ll delight in giving him the “three warms:” a warm bed, a warm heart, and warm meals?
The Bible teaches that both parties should sacrifice their own interests in favor of serving each other:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
The Bible teaches that it’s fraud for a husband or wife to deny each other:
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:3-5 *
“Benevolence” refers to a gift; “due” means something owed. Husband and wife owe each other the free and undeserved gift of themselves. They must give freely to each other but the verse starts with the husband giving himself to his wife. Couples open themselves to Satan’s temptation if either defrauds the other by failing to meet basic physical or emotional needs.
Owing a voluntary gift isn’t a contradiction. You don’t have to marry. “Due benevolence” means that if you do marry, you have vowed before Almighty God that you will freely give of yourself to your spouse based on your spouse’s individual needs as long as you both shall live. It’s fraud against God if you don’t.
Communication
It’s a sacrifice for a man to open his heart as much as his wife desires. God also expects a man to talk with his wife enough to know her needs and take them into account:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
If a man fails to honor his wife by listening to her enough to know how best to nourish and cherish her, his prayers bounce off the ceiling. This can take a lot of talk. Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I really like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. The Holy Spirit led her to tell me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant from her point of view.
I had no idea how vital this was. A woman can’t follow or obey her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[61]). It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying. If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind. A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her, so making my wife feel appreciated benefits me greatly.
Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31:11 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her. It helped that from time to time, as the spirit moved her, she’d call me “Sir.” The Bible teaches women to call their husbands “Lord.”
Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:6
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
There is no worse shame for a man than having a woman belittle or defy him. Men are deeply afraid of ridicule from women; her calling me “Sir” meant that she’d respect me even when I made mistakes. That made it a lot easier for me to open my heart to her and show her my love for her.
Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine. The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife are supposed to belong to each other (Song 2:16[62], 6:3[63]). God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and led her to show me I could trust her. Opening my heart to her made me hers.
A wife chooses to honor her husband, it cannot be commanded. Some years ago, I read:
Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well. I Timothy 3:12
“Wife,” I asked, “do I qualify, I don’t rule you, I hardly ever tell you what to do?”
“Husband,” she said, “you rule me totally. Your ways aren’t natural to me, but we’ve talked enough that I know how you want things done. Nearly everything I do, I know how you want it done and I do it your way.”
She desired to please me and chose to serve me out of love as Christ chose to die for sinners out of love. Once I understood that, I was more careful to notice how she did things and express appreciation. It also showed another advantage of all that talking. A woman can’t follow her husband if she doesn’t know what he wants. The only way she can find out is through hours and hours of talk.
It’s important to keep your words healthful at all times. While we were dating, she asked that I never criticize her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more your disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to make it hard for her to love me, so I watch what I say. God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
I need this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man she loves. My wife tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the most pleasant place in the entire world for me to be. That’s why I like hanging around her and hurry home to be with her (Song 2:8[64]).
Keeping your talk gentle and kind is one of the fruits of the spirit (Gal. 5:22-23[65]). It avoids conflict.
Sex Communicates
God intended that a wife should welcome her husband’s physical drive and keep it focused on her:
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:18-20
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:3
How can a man be ravished always with his wife’s love unless she always welcomes him? Draining off all his sexual energy convinces him that she belongs to him. This makes it worth his while to nourish her and cherish her (Eph. 5:29[66]). Keeping his desire focused on her makes it much harder for other women to get his attention. Letting him leave home loaded, on the other hand, leaves him more vulnerable to temptation:
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
Seeing the power of his desire for her helps convince a woman that he cares enough about her to stay with her. This is one way for a woman to be reassured about the stability of the relationship, but it matters greatly how a man approaches sex. God commands men to set their wives apart:
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Timothy 4:3-5
Some say that this refers to a man possessing his own body, but the “vessel” as in “as unto the weaker vessel” describes something that receives. Jesus said that a man and wife were “no more twain, but one flesh.” It doesn’t matter which body the passage refers to; in a Christian marriage, there’s only one body.
“Sanctify” means “set apart.” The only way to set a wife apart is to marry her first and listen to her to get to know her well enough that she’s “but one” as in the Song of Solomon. He must know what makes her different from all other women or he hasn’t sanctified her. Without sanctification, he possesses her in the lust of those who don’t know God. She won’t like being treated that way and she won’t want to do it.
What separates man from animals? Human beings know right from wrong and they care about each other. Men, if you possess a woman without worrying whether you’re doing right by her, if you don’t set her apart from all other women, you’re no better than a beast.
Women understand this. An unsanctified wife may feel that any woman would satisfy her husband. This makes her feel like a whore or an interchangeable sex toy. Being taken is humbling (De. 21:14, 22:25, 22:29, Ez. 22:10-11); being taken by a man who won’t sanctify her is humiliating.
Listen to what men should say about their wives:
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:29
These men know that their wives are the best there could be. The only way a man can praise so that a woman believes it is to talk to her enough to know her well enough to praise her gifts in detail. Talking that much is scary for men, but opening herself to her husband often enough to satisfy him is scary for a wife because being invaded takes away her independence.
As my wife’s desire to talk was stronger than I could imagine, a man’s sex drive is stronger than a woman can imagine. As a woman wants her husband to open his heart to her for hours of talk per day, a man wants his wife to open herself to him many times per day. Ezekiel pointed out that men’s sex drive is so strong that it can lead to sodomy when men feel rejected:
Thou art thy mother’s daughter, that loatheth her husband and her children; and thou art the sister of thy sisters, which loathed their husbands and their children: your mother was an Hittite, and your father an Amorite. Ezekiel 16:45
The prophet says that in loathing their husbands, the women of Israel were sisters in conduct to the women of Sodom. Modern feminist writings say that men are “too macho,” they are “too possessive,” their desires are “disgusting.” Women are being taught to loathe their future husbands, which leads to sodomy.
Thwarted drive also opens men to pornography. Once a man learns to find satisfaction in porn, he doesn’t have to beg and never suffers the humiliation of being told, “No.” A man runs the same risk if he fails to satisfy his wife’s need to open-hearted talk - she’ll be tempted to share her emotional thoughts with someone else. Emotional fornication often leads to physical fornication.
Some men say their wives don’t want to talk. This may be because she’s been so criticized by her husband or other men that she’s afraid to open herself. Women are unbelievably sensitive; many wives interpret their husbands’ words more negatively than their husbands intend. Men must be careful what they say.
Conflicts over Money
After listing many activities that wouldn’t bring happiness, Solomon told men how to find joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9 *
A man’s only source of joy is his work and his wife, but for him to rejoice with her, he must nourish her and cherish her so that she rejoices in belonging to him. Solomon’s labors were vanity and chasing after wind because he worked to please himself, but when a man works to provide for his wife, her depending on him makes his labor worthwhile (I Tim. 5:8[67]). Nothing straightens up a man like having a woman lean on him, and if she teaches her children to follow him by her example of submission, he can get joy from them.
Many women have difficulty choosing suitable gifts for husbands or brothers. This is because God designed men with one really major drive and designed women to fulfill it. If a man’s wife likes belonging to him, that’s pretty much all he wants and they can spend whatever he earns guiding the house. If a man opens his heart to his wife and makes her feel loved, she can more easily be content to live on what he earns.
Without talk, however, a wife feels unloved and unappreciated, and she’ll want to go shopping to make herself feel better. Similarly, a man feels unloved unless his wife encourages him to have her whenever he can. Without that, he’s tempted to buy toys to try to make himself feel better. The book of Ecclesiastes Chapter 2 shows that this approach won’t bring happiness to either party.
God planned that husband and wife should be each other’s main source of contentment so they don’t need to spend money on toys. If they meet each other’s needs, they’ll have fewer financial problems.
We’ve talked about keeping emotion out of disagreements and sticking to the facts. Money is the very best place for fact-based discussion. I grew up in Japan where heating oil cost $1 per quart; I kept my apartment at 50. For three years before we married, my wife lived in a YWCA in a room over the main boiler. Her room was between 70 and 80 all winter. When we bought our first house, we encountered the usual whiplash of the wallet, but we were able to install storm windows.
I waited until we got the November heating bill and laid out a cash flow projection for her. This was before spread sheets; it’s easier now. I showed what we got after taxes. I showed all our expenses including mortgage, cars, phone, etc. I then explained that the heating bills for December through February would be at least double the November bill. We’d barely make it.
I reminded her that she wanted to buy a freezer. She didn’t want to pay interest, so we had to save the price. “If you set the thermostat at 50,” I told her, “we can afford to buy your freezer this spring. If, however, we set it at 70, we won’t be able to save the money until fall.”
She knew that a dollar spent on heat was a dollar we couldn’t spend on her freezer. She bought very heavy quilted men’s underwear, took in the waist, drank a lot of tea, and we set our thermostat at “way cool.” We bought the freezer; it served us 30 years. I found a way to give her a choice as God gives us free will.
3 years later, we scraped together airfare so I could take her with me on a business trip. She found a crystal vase she really wanted. We’d been eating in cheaper restaurants than my colleagues so I could pay for her food and mine from my daily meal allowance. This was before computers. It wasn’t worth the effort to add up all the receipts for each meal, so the company gave us a fixed sum for each day.
She knew that paying her air fare had left us in a bad position, but she wanted the vase. “If you buy groceries so we can eat in our room,” I told her, “we can save enough out of my meal allowance for your vase.” We ate a lot of tuna and the bread sometimes went stale, but we bought the vase. She still has it.
We’ve been talking about keeping emotion out of discussion and sticking to facts. There is no topic better suited to fact-based discussion than money. You know what you’ve spent, you know what came in. What’s more, you know most of the upcoming bills and most of what you expect to come in. Facts take a lot of the sting out of talking about money. Everybody has spreadsheets; there’s no excuse not to have totally factual discussions. Once all the facts are on the table, the answer is usually obvious – “No, you can’t have it.”
Belong to Each Other
God expects each husband and wife to belong to each other:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
Everyone knows this. There’s a song:
Button up your
overcoat, when the wind blows free
Take good care of yourself, you belong to me!
God created each woman to be her husband’s help meet. A woman can’t help a man unless he heeds what she says. A man would far rather give to his wife than have her take from him, and a woman would far rather give herself to her husband than have him take her. If a man belongs to his wife, it’s much easier for her to give herself to him. If she belongs to him, it’s easier for him to give to her.
If a woman belongs to a man, her happiness also belongs to him. He’ll soon find that making her happy will make him far happier than anything he does to make himself happy. If a man belongs to a woman, she will find great joy in making him happy because his happiness becomes hers.
Jesus said that spouses should not only belong to each other, they should become one:
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:7-8
The only way that two people can be “no more twain, but one,” is for each of them to die to their former individual lives and be re-born into a one-flesh married unit. This is just like salvation. The Bible teaches that sinners have to die to their former lives in order to be born again into Christ:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. For when we were in the flesh, the motions of sins, which were by the law, did work in our members to bring forth fruit unto death. But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter. Romans 7:4-6 *
A man shows his wife that he belongs to her by opening his heart to her. This frightens a man as much as opening herself to a man frightens a woman, but the Bible teaches that it’s safe for him to do so:
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12
This applies to a virtuous, Godly woman. An unsaved wife may do her husband harm instead of good. There’s a saying, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.” That was Solomon’s mistake:
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon found joy with the wife of his youth. In his old age, he was bitterly disappointed in women, even though he had a thousand (I Kings 11:3[68]). Why? What went wrong? Solomon knew that marriage should have been good. He knew that marriage should have brought him great joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
Solomon knew he should have been able to rejoice in marriage, but he mourned, “a woman among all those have I not found.” Why? Why was his soul vexed and empty when he had so many women?
Men usually say, “Women are unmanageable,” few admit it was Solomon’s fault. What didn’t he know?
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
The Song, particularly 8:2-3[69], shows that she liked belonging to her husband because he was hers. If a wife doesn’t like belonging to her husband, his soul is as empty as Solomon’s soul was empty.
Solomon didn’t realize he should belong to one wife and be hers even though Deu. 17:17[70] told him not to “multiply wives” because having a lot of wives would turn him away from God. That happened to Solomon, but having so many women also made his life empty. He said, “my soul seeketh, but I find not.”
Solomon should have known that a woman must have a man like belong to her for her to enjoy belonging to him. Solomon had life and death power over his wives but they didn’t like belonging to him. A man may own a woman, he may be able to command her, but he can’t make her like it. If she doesn’t like belonging to him, he’ll miss the joy and glory God intended that she bring into his life.
The book of Proverbs warns five times that living with an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[71], 21:9[72], 19[73], 25:24[74], 27:15[75]). Opening his heart to a woman takes so much time that a man can’t possibly belong to more than one. Solomon didn’t belong to any of his wives; he had 1,000 frustrated, unhappy women under his roof. No wonder his soul was empty!
The principles of marriage relationships can be summed up in just two verses:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth. I Corinthians 10:24
A man should dedicate his life to taking care of his wife and a wife should dedicate her life to serving and taking care of her husband and children. Seeing her husband work hard to care for her and working hard to share the concerns of her heart makes a woman happy to belong to him.
In this life, there is no joy for a man which compares to having a woman like belonging to him so much that she delights in blessing his fountain. God is just – He offers men and women the same amounts of joy in marriage, but it takes different forms. A woman delights in having a man delight in taking care of her, opening his heart to her, using her skills and knowledge, and making her a permanent resident of his world.
Marriage is really as simple as a child’s song:
If you’re saved
and you know it, then your life will surely show it.
If you’re saved and you know it, pass it on – especially to your spouse!
God’s rules are very simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is as simple as salvation, its two words, “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him, that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what he hasn’t given.
Chapter 9 - Saturday Afternoon 3-4 – One Minute Marriage - What My Wife Told Me
You can explain both marriage and salvation in 30 seconds. Parents spend years getting kids into good colleges but not much time, talent, toil, or treasure teaching them how to choose to have good marriages. These verses deserve a lot of study. We don’t expect anyone to drive without being taught, how can we expect good marriages without teaching? This chapter is a homework exercise - think on these verses.
Nobody deserves salvation; everyone is a sinner who deserves to go to Hell (Rom. 3:23[76], 5:12[77], 6:23[78]). If you choose to accept salvation, God gives you the gift of eternal life (Rom. 6:23b). God doesn’t see your sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12[79], I Cor. 6:11[80]).
After you choose to accept God’s offer of grace, both God and His Son see you as perfect (Eph. 5:25-27[81], Rom. 8:1[82], 1 Ki. 8:61[83], 15:14[84], 2 Ki. 20:3[85]).
Salvation makes us servants of Jesus Christ (Ps. 100:2[86], Rom. 1:1[87], Tit. 1:1[88]). We belong permanently to Jesus (Jn. 10:29[89], 1 Cor. 6:19[90]), serve Him out of love (2 Cor. 5:14-15[91]), and strive to walk in good works as Jesus taught (Eph. 2:10[92]).
God expects us to serve spouses, families, and churches (Rom. 12:10[93], Eph. 4:12[94], 5:21[95], 1 Pet. 5:5). Focus on God through Christ. What God does is perfect; serving Him by serving your spouse is a perfect calling (Mk. 9:35[96], 10:42-45[97]). Focus your eyes on your perfect God, not on fallible people (Phil. 2:1-8).
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in a Half-Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
Eph. 4:31-32[98] tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:10-12[99], Is. 43:25[100], Heb. 10:17[101]). When God washes away our sins (Heb. 9:14[102], 10:19-22[103]), what’s left is perfect and without condemnation (Rom. 8:1[104], 15:13[105]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God sees us as perfect, so we must follow God and see our spouses as perfect.
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, say your spouse is perfect for you, and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6[106]). Marriage prospers if the husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17[107]). He’s to love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29[108], Song 4:7[109], 6:9[110]) as perfect, she’s to obey him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33[111], Col. 3:18[112]) even though neither of them deserves the other!
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in One Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
We must love God with perfect hearts. “Love the Lord thy God” is in scripture 14 times see page 110! 1 Kings 11:4 and 15:3 say David had a perfect heart with the Lord his God. David sinned, but he never turned from worshiping God to worship anything else. Faithfulness and repentance kept his heart perfect with God.
God expects us to keep our hearts perfect with Him and with each other. We must not let our hearts stray toward anyone else or anything else (Job 31:1[113], Song of Solomon).
As David was perfectly confident in God and rested in what God gave him, we must learn to rest content in each other and in what God gives us (Ruth 1:9a[114], Mt. 11:28[115], Phi. 4:11[116], 1 Tim. 6:6[117], Heb. 13:5[118]).
Love God by loving your spouse; serve God by serving your spouse, praise God by praising your spouse is simple, but “simple” isn’t “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat ‘til you get there – but not easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a stroll across a continent.
Groups of God’s people should act with hearts as perfect as David’s:
All these men of war, that could keep rank, came with a perfect heart to Hebron, to make David king over all Israel: and all the rest also of Israel were of one heart to make David king. I Chronicles 12:38 *
The people agreed with one perfect heart to make David their king. God gave us one way to relate to Him, that is, with perfect hearts and never go after other gods or anything else. Husband and wife must both have perfect hearts with God. Both must have perfect hearts with each other and never go after anyone else.
As God graciously gives His salvation to those who earnestly seek Him (De. 4:29[119]), He graciously gives the blessings of marriage to couples who seek Him and enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. “Holy” means “set apart to the Lord for His purposes.” Holy Matrimony belongs to God, not to us.
We’re not talking about gluten-free, no calorie diet matrimony as lost people do, we’re talking about the real deal, we’re discussing Holy Matrimony which bride and groom should enter with one perfect heart. There is no vow in salvation; your marriage vows are the most solemn, binding vows any human can ever say.
As we work out God’s salvation in fear and trembling (Phi. 2:12b[120]), we work out God’s gift of marriage as we mature, grow, and learn. David never lost his salvation, but his sins took away his joy:
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:12
Salvation belonged to God, not to David. He knew that God would restore his joy in God’s salvation once he restored his relationship with God through repentance and confession (1 Jn. 1:9[121]). Be prepared to confess to one another and forgive one another to restore your joy in God’s marriage (Jas. 5:16a[122]).
I don’t understand how God can chasten us as His sons (Heb. 12:5-8[123]) without condemning us (Rom. 8:1[124]) and ensure that we reap what we sow (Gal. 6:7[125]) while forgetting our sins (Heb. 8:12[126], 10:17[127], 1 Jn. 1:9), but I don’t understand how Jesus can be both God and man at the same time either (1 Tim 3:16[128]). If God treated me as I deserve, I’d go to Hell, but by His grace, He treats us as perfect so that we can fellowship with Him in Heaven (He. 9:13-14[129]). If we treat our spouses as they deserve, we can make life Hell on earth. If we treat them as perfect, we can give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
How can I treat a sinful spouse as perfect and make my marriage a picture of Heaven on earth? How can God treat me as perfect and take me to Heaven? I don’t deserve it, but He poured out His grace to me when He saved me. I can treat my wife as perfect by giving her the grace God gave me even though she doesn’t deserve it. Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves marriage. I don’t deserve her submission or her reverence, she doesn’t deserve my sanctification or honor, these are undeserved gifts of God.
A wife is told to call her husband “lord,” (I Peter 3:6a[130]) but she knows his faults, she knows he doesn’t deserve her reverence (Eph. 5:33b[131]). The only way she can call her sinful husband “lord” from her heart is to freely pour out God’s saving grace to her husband (Heb. 4:16[132]). A husband is commanded to love his wife as if she were perfect (Eph. 5:25-27[133], Pr. 31:28-29[134], Song 4:7[135], 6:9a[136]) even though she doesn’t deserve it. The only way he can love her as perfect with all his heart is to freely pour out God’s saving grace to her.
How do we do this? We must have God’s grace in our hearts so that it can come out in our speech (Luke 6:45[137], Eph. 4:15[138]). Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech be alway with grace,” we’re always supposed to show God’s grace to everyone with every word we speak (Matthew 12:36[139]).
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
God’s grace is Jesus’ gift to us. As faithful stewards of His manifold grace, we’re supposed to pass it on, that’s our gift back to Him (Tit 2:14).
How can we edify one another (Rom. 10:14, Eph. 4:12-16, Jas. 5:20)? Job’s wife had lost her sons and her husband had lost all his money when she told him to curse God. He said she was “like a foolish women” in a way that implied she wasn’t usually foolish (Job 2:9-10). He loved the sinner while hating the sin, he spoke the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her. Everyone knows the difference.
Lost people say, “Cut me some slack,” treating other people as we think they deserve leads to fights. God says, “I saved you when you didn’t deserve it. I expect you to cut other people unlimited[140] slack even though they don’t deserve it (Eph. 2:10).” Having saved us by His grace, God expects us to pass it on.
Marriage and salvation are deep mysteries of God, but they’re as simple as a children’s song: “If you’re saved and you know it, then your life will surely show it, if you’re saved and you know it, pass it on.”
We are the servants of Jesus Christ. We belong to Him (1 Cor. 6:19). Jesus expects us to serve each other (Rom. 12:10, Eph. 4:12, 5:21, 1 Pet. 5:5). We serve Jesus by serving our spouses, families, and churches.
We should glorify God in all that we do (I Cor. 10:31). We do that because we love Christ and want to please Him in all we do (II Cor. 5:14-15). Jesus’ love makes us sacrifice our former goals and wants in favor of the good works He expects of us (Mt. 5:16, He. 10:24). In the same way, when we marry, our love for our spouse makes us sacrifice our former individual goals in favor of good works for the family (Rom. 12:1).
Passing on God’s grace is the foundation of marriage and spreads the gospel. When Christians divorce, lost people conclude that we can’t handle this life and won’t care what we say about the life to come. If they see us pouring out undeserved grace to each other, however, they’re more likely to believe what we say about God’s offer of grace (Mat 5:16, Heb. 10:24) and want some for themselves. That’s how we spread the gospel!
The Apostle Paul wrote that we work to spread the Gospel because our love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes us do it. We serve Him because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouses should constrain us to do whatever we can to please him or her. If lost people see married Christians working to please each other out of love, they’ll often ask how we can handle the problems the other person causes. That gives us a chance to talk about God’s love and God’s forgiveness. God forgives us, so God expects us to forgive other people in the same way He forgave us.
Another Way to Explain Marriage
A wife is a gift from God to her husband. Adam didn’t ask for Eve, he did nothing to deserve her or to earn her. God could have let Eve name the animals with Adam, but He waited until Adam knew his loneliness.
It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. Genesis 2:21-22 *
Did God have to tell Adam, “I’m sorry you didn’t like any of My animals. Here’s someone I whipped up out of leftovers. Why not talk to her, you might like her?” Did God have to say that? No, Adam knew right away that Eve would be good for him; he claimed her on the spot:
And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23
For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
Adam knew why God had given Eve to him.
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me Genesis 3:12a
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
A man’s life consists of his work and his wife, that’s his portion. A wife, like life, is a gift of God.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? 32He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? Romans 8:31-32
Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:8-11
Parental gifts are conditional – “You left your bike in the rain, you can’t ride for a week.” The child misused the gift you gave and lost the blessing. God intended His gift of marriage to show a taste of the joys of Heaven. If a man misuses God’s gift of a wife, he can create a taste of the punishments of Hell.
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
A wife is not only a gift from God, she’s a good and perfect gift from God. Everybody knows a wife is a gift. During weddings, some old guy brings the bride up the aisle. What’s his role? He gives her away.
They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
Men marry, women are given in marriage. A wife is an undeserved gift from God. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious, underserved gift to him and she acts like God’s precious, undeserved gift to him.
For Our Learning (Romans 15:4)
We can also learn about marriage by understanding how marriages worked in the Bible.
Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come. I Corinthians 10:11
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. The Bible teaches that a man should praise his wife and teach his children to follow his example of praising her:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
This is partly to encourage her and partly to teach her children to respect her. If her daughters respect her, she can teach them how to be treasures for their future husbands instead of being toys. If her sons respect her, she can teach them how to be blessed by their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son:
The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him. Proverbs 31:1
The Bible not only teaches praise, the Song of Solomon shows how the husband and wife praise each other in detail. Detailed praise requires that each party pay close enough attention to the other to notice small, subtle characteristics. They sound strange to us, but both parties are pleased with the others’ praise.
The Song starts with the woman praising the man for getting physical with her:
The song of songs, which is Solomon's. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:1-2
She’s setting her husband an example of appreciating marriage. A man has to know a woman well to praise her in ways that encourage her. Praising her husband is a way for a wife to teach him how to praise.
Men and women are stubborn. A spouse is far more likely to stop doing something that isn’t praised than to stop doing something that’s criticized. Praise is the fuel that makes marriage go. Praise often means treating people better than they deserve. This is called “grace.” When husbands and wives praise each other, they minister the same grace God gave them in saving them to each other.
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
Salvation is based on two words, “Only believe.” Salvation based on faith takes you to Heaven; salvation based on works takes you to Hell, you can’t earn it. Similarly, marriage is “Only praise.” Marriage is a gift of God, it can’t be earned. As God’s love for us makes it possible for Him to minister His grace to us in saving us, God’s love makes it possible for husband and wife to minister God’s grace to each other in becoming one.
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
Becoming one requires that husband and wife die to their own wants and needs in favor of upholding their new family. This requires treating each other better than they deserve, which is another word for “grace.” As people see husband and wife ministering God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.
“Only praise” is a good basis for a sound marriage, but there is more to marriage than praise.
What My Wife Told Me Before We Were Married
My wife and I have been happily married since 1971. It’s obvious to people who know us, and to most who see us for the first time. Years ago, our granddaughter Veronica asked us why we were so happily married.
As a girl becomes a woman, the way she manages her relationships with men, or better yet, with a man, has a profound effect on how her life turns out. Kids today are subject to many wrong influences, far more than when we grew up. Veronica wanted to avoid the path of marital misery so many travel today.
The strongest influence on a marriage is how the husband treats his wife. The way he treats her is based on what happens before marriage, and most of that is determined by how the woman conducts herself.
Before we were married, my wife told me vital facts about herself which became the foundation of our marriage. We wrote them down for Veronica in the hope that she would position herself to be as valued, treasured, appreciated, and nourished as her grandmother.
How She Knew What To Say
About a year before I found her, my wife was planning to marry a man she’d dated in college. He looked really good – youth group leader, served in the church – so she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”
Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew her friend well to her college. He confirmed that the flaw God had pointed out would make it a bad idea for her to marry him. When she asked him about it, he huffed, “That’s how I am. If you don’t like it, good bye!” and broke up with her.
A year went by and her friends were marrying. She prayed, “Oh God, please, send me a husband or make me content without one.” One day, as she opened her hymnbook, she realized she’d been seen by a man behind her. “Is this my husband?” she thought. She was thinking of marrying me before she’d even seen me. We had our first date in April and married in August.
She’d asked God to choose her husband. Knowing that I had no idea how to nourish or cherish her, the Holy Spirit led her to tell me astounding things about her. She was embarrassed by some of what she said and had had no such thoughts before saying them. This guidance to me was clearly of God.
Proverbs 31:1 says that Mrs. Lemuel taught her son how to bless his future wife; mothers are better qualified to teach sons how to nourish wives than fathers are. Working mothers don’t have time for that. It’s hard for her to get through to her son because men aren’t inclined to listen to women. The angel criticized Manoah for not accepting what the angel told his wife (Judges 13:13) and Pilate ignored his wife’s advice:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19 *
There is a time, however, when a man may listen. When he’s attracted enough to pursue a woman, his agenda is well defined and focused. If he’s drawn strongly enough to her, he’ll listen as she explains the terms and conditions under which she would enjoy fulfilling his plans. If he won’t listen, she must walk away because he’ll never pay closer attention to what she says than when he’s pursuing her.
Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, but he also knows an unhappy woman can give him the torments of Hell. What she said was so reasonable and so workable that I was confident I could make her happy. Once I decided she wanted to make me happy, marrying her was a no-brainer.
Veronica couldn’t count on a man having been taught because few working mothers have time to do that. We wrote down what her grandmother told me to give her ideas to tell a prospective mate what God wanted me to know about sanctifying and nourishing my wife. It worked as well for her as for her grandmother.
Dating is Not a Game, it’s Serious Beyond Measure
Veronica, my best beloved, the Bible teaches that you were made for your husband; he’s not made for you (I Co. 11:8-9[141]). That means that even though your role as wife is of critical importance to your home, your husband, as your leader, has more influence than you do after you’re married.
You’re a mirror, you’ll multiply whatever your husband gives you. Consider babies. Your husband gives you one tiny cell. You gather his life force unto yourself, nourish and multiply his seed within you, and bring forth a child with billions of cells. Every cell of your baby has the mark of your husband’s DNA (Gen. 5:3[142]).
If your husband gives you joy, love, appreciation, praise, and sanctification (Song 6:9[143]), you’ll multiply what he gives you and fill your home with love and light to the Glory of God. If he gives you anger, criticism, or harshness, Satan will tempt you to multiply that and your house will fill with anger and pain.
A virtuous wife “openeth her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr. 31:26).” A man who’s emotionally involved with you can be hurt terribly by your words even if he won’t admit it.
Real Biblical love is a choice, not an emotion. Jesus loves in spite of being hurt (Mt. 23:37[144]) and so can a man or woman whose love of Christ strengthens (Philip. 4:13[145]), but why should your words make it hard for your husband to open his heart to you? How can he trust in you as Pr. 31:11 promises if you hurt him?
Your husband has the most impact on your life after marriage, but what you do before the wedding sets your value to him. The path God gives you may be different from ours, but as long as you let God lead, He’ll get you where you ought to be. The wisdom the Holy Spirit led your grandmother to convey to me as we courted was vital to our walk with God, so I’m sharing it with you for you to pass along to others.
The next chapter tells our granddaughter what the Holy Spirit wanted me to know before God could give her grandmother to me to be my wife.
Chapter 10 - Saturday Afternoon 4-5 – Wisdom Your Grandmother Shared With Me
My best beloved granddaughter, you’re old enough that the choices you’re making now will affect the rest of your life. Your theology, that is, what you believe about God, is your most important choice. What you choose to believe about God determines what you do, and what you do affects how things turn out for you.
You’ve prayed, “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him,” but do you believe it? Your grandmother chose to believe that God was great enough to give her life and breath and good enough to give His Word to bless her. She tried to follow the parts she understood and she asked God to protect her to keep her on His path. She also believed that God was good enough to want her to have an abundant life (John 10:10b[146]).
She knew God knew her better than she knew herself. She believed that if God wanted her to marry, He would give her to a man who would bless her if she let Him choose. She spent years asking God to work in her heart to make her a Proverbs 31 woman, that’s why she was able to hear what God told her about me.
These two passages became her key to letting God choose her husband:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Keeping her heart was the key. Women can get emotionally involved with very wrong men after which it’s hard to hear the Lord’s warning to pull away. She tried to keep her heart from me until after I married her. All through dating and up the aisle, she prayed, “God, if Bill isn’t the right man for me, please stop this!”
To make me right for her, God had to teach me how to nourish and cherish her. Men are pretty clueless about women. God worked on me by having your grandmother say some vital, astounding things to me while we were courting and after we were married.
I’m a Treasure Looking for a Husband, Not a Toy Looking for Fun
When I first asked her out, she said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”
Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart. When a woman lets herself “fall in love” with a man who isn’t willing to marry anyone, she’s crusin’ for a brusin’; she’s in for a world of hurt.
When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me to support her. In times past, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn’t marry him unless he’d grown up enough to have a job. Many modern girls live with guys without marriage and even pay “their share” of the rent. Your grandmother was letting me know that she wasn’t going to do that.
Every man knows in his heart that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that’s why men pursue women. I was attracted to her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband! I didn’t know that she had no idea what being my treasure would mean, but I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me. If she meant that, marriage would be a no-brainer, so I said, “Sure.”
A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her. God knew I had no idea how to nourish and cherish her. He had to teach me how to learn how to make her happy so that she could make me happy. If I couldn’t make her happy, we’d both be miserable.
I want to be Pure at the Altar
On our second date, she told me to dump the other girl I was seeing; she wanted me to focus on her and on her alone. She then said she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night. We agreed that the promises of Proverbs 31 are for a virtuous woman, not the other kind, and that God reserves intimacy for marriage. She was embarrassed about having said that, but she in effect made me responsible for protecting her purity. She’d been asking God to protect her all along, now she asked me to help God protect her.
Good thing, too. My classmates were pretty casual about men and women coming together without marriage. This discussion gave me the strength to preserve our purity when we were tempted later.
She Called Me “Sir.”
From early in our courtship, she’d occasionally say “Yes, sir” when I addressed her. Not every time, but as the spirit moved her. I like that a lot, but we had no idea how important it was.
The Bible teaches you to call your husband “Lord (I Pe. 3:8)” and to reverence him (Eph. 5:33[147]). This is difficult if you don’t respect him. Ladies should wait for a man whom they want to call “Sir.”
“Sir” meant she’d respect me in spite of my mistakes. We’re told to confess our faults one to another (Jas. 5:16[148]). Men don’t like doing that and they really don’t like telling wives things they’re afraid will cost them respect. Many men ignore Pr. 31:11a[149] and won’t open their hearts to their wives. Calling me “Sir” helped me open my heart to her when I realized that God wanted me to belong to her; we’re glad she could do it.
Making Her Feel Safe in Marriage To Me
Weeks later, she asked that I never criticize her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I didn’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. We didn’t know it then, but God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
I need this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man whom she loves. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why I like hanging around her.
Talking is More Important than You Can Imagine
A few days before our wedding, she told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I really like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
What??!! That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. As she got marriage on the table, as she asked me to focus my attention on her alone, as she made me responsible for protecting her purity, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant.
I had no idea how vital this was. Let’s just say that a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[150]). It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying. If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.
Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31:11 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her. Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine. The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife are supposed to belong to each other. God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and all that talk made me hers.
I Serve God by Serving You
24 hours after our wedding, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me talking would be important, so we talked. “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “Neat-o! We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing it for God because He told me to. I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
Whoa. I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it. The next day, I told her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said. God wants me to lead you and take care of you. The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all. If I’m to lead you as God wants, I have to lead you by serving you. You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
You see, Veronica, marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift of God. The only way to be saved is to die to your former life and be married to Christ. Your husband won’t deserve your submission, you won’t deserve his giving his life to nourish you; those are undeserved gifts of God’s grace. God expects married people to serve Him by serving each other and their children.
Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh. The only way 2 people can become one is for each of them to die to themselves in favor of their new family. Each of you must give the other the same love and grace God gave in saving you (I Pe. 4:10[151]). As Christ chose to love you regardless of your failures, you and your husband must choose to love each other regardless of failure, ‘til death do you part.
As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect (II Co. 5:14a[152]); you can only do this by the Grace of God. Watching your husband love you in spite of your failures increases your love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa. When lost people see you give God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace, and we have the privilege of laboring together with God (1 Cor. 3:9[153]) to tell them how to get it.
Salvation is about God giving – for God so loved that He gave. Your grandmother so loves God that she let God give her to me, I so love God that I let God give me to her. Our love for each other is based on our love for God. He must be first.
Just before our wedding, I wrote a letter, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you.” It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me, but I know many wives who don’t belong to their husbands. Beg God to increase your love for Christ and for Him. Ask that He help you become a Proverbs 31 woman whether He wants you to marry or not. Then if God chooses for you to marry, He can give you to a man who’ll treasure you as He treasures you.
And We Lived Happily Ever After
I told you, oh my best beloved, that although your role is important after you’re married, your husband has more influence on your happiness than you do. Having told you how God led your grandmother to prepare us both for marriage, it’s time to tell you why our marriage has worked out as well as it has.
First, your grandmother actually let God give her to me. When we first came together on our wedding night, she was terrified because God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me. Nobody had warned her of this, but she’d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; this had to be from God. She clung to her faith that God was good and prayed, “Lord, You must want me to belong to Bill. That doesn’t make sense, but if that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.” That’s why she was able to tell me she planned to serve God by serving me.
It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me. When I stood at the altar and vowed to God that I’d give up my right to pursue all the other women in the world and focus my masculinity on her, I expected her to be mine. To show that I’m not unusual, look at “the heart of her husband…” (Pr. 31:11) The Hebrew word is “Ba-el.” “El” means “god” as in “el-shaddai” or “elohim.” “Baal” appears in the Old Testament as the name of a deity. It could be translated “Lord,” “god,” or “owner” in Pr. 31:11.
Consider the Japanese word “shu-jin” which is translated “husband.” “Jin” is “person;” “shu” is “Lord” as in “Shu yesu kiristo;” Lord Jesus Christ. Shujin is literally “lord person.” A Japanese wife can’t refer to her husband without calling him “Lord;” it’s built into the language as in Eph. 5:33. My possessiveness is normal.
Many women honor their husbands with their lips (Mt. 15:8[154], Mk. 7:6[155]) without honoring them with their hearts. If your grandmother had done that, I would have been deeply hurt and deeply disappointed. I would also have been deeply ashamed which would have harmed my health (Pr. 12:4[156]). Very little shames a man worse that having his wife not be his; I know of two heart attacks where such shaming was involved.
When your grandmother chose to let God give her to me, her happiness became my happiness. Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[157], 21:9[158], 19[159], 25:24[160], 27:15[161]), but the opposite is true, too. When she was happy, life was good. When she was happy with me, life was very good. When she was happy in being mine, I got the taste of the joys of Heaven that I’d expected when she told me God had made her to be a treasure. Being a practical engineer, I started learning how to make her happy.
I had another reason to study her. I’d heard many men complain about women, and they complained about the same things. When I told her, she told me her friends had said, “He may love you, but he won’t like things about you once you’re married” and they named the same things my dorm mates disliked.
This disagreed with my theology. I had always thought that God was good and had written her “For God so loved me that He gave me you.” She had told me she was a gift from God, the Bible said that (Pr. 18:22[162]), and I knew that God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11[163], Jas. 1:17[164]). Therefore, and this was my important insight, all those men who had disliked characteristics which were common to women were wrong. Those traits were not defects; God made women that way on purpose to bless men.
I told your grandmother that we’d explore her nature. Anything true of most women was intended to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had chosen to give her to me. If I couldn’t understand how or why something blessed me, it was my problem, not God’s, and we’d wrestle with it until we figured out how it blessed me. I treated it an engineering problem. To build a strong bridge, I must understand the nature of concrete and steel; to build a strong marriage, I had to understand her nature.
With that understanding, she was happy to look into herself to explain her characteristics to me. God commands that a husband dwell with his wife according to knowledge (I Pe. 3:7[165]). My working to learn how she blessed me not only made her happy, it helped me obey God.
I also wanted to know how she was like other women and what was unique to her. When she’d say, “My friends feel that way,” I’d conclude most women were like that. Sometimes it was, “I don’t know anyone like that,” for things unique to her. At other times, she’d have to ask; her friends either agreed with her or didn’t.
This was another area where my engineering mind led me to obey God. God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4[166]). “Sanctification” means “set apart,” God expected me to know how she was like other women and how she was God’s special gift for me.
Read the Song of Solomon carefully. The husband praises his wife in mind-numbing detail. This is because he’s paid attention to what’s unique about her so that he can appreciate it. He says that she’s “but one,” (6:9) which means he’s sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women. She says 3 times that she belongs to him (2:16[167], 6:3[168], 7:10[169]). In 7:10, she says, “his desire is toward me.” She enjoys knowing how badly he wants her. 8:2-3[170] shows that she likes belonging to him as your grandmother likes belonging to me.
In all this talking about her emotions, skills, her feelings, and other characteristics, I ended up opening my heart to her rather often. This was as frightening to me as her opening herself to me had frightened her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me. God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him.
It’s not enough for a man to have a woman belong to him. Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3). They were his property and had to do what he told them. There was none of this “I’m not in the mood” or “I have a headache.” This sounds like a masculine paradise, but how did it work out for Solomon?
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon owned a thousand women, yet his soul was empty. Why? They belonged to him, he could command, but he couldn’t make them like it. Instead of having a woman enjoy belonging to him as his first wife had, he had 1,000 unhappy women running around the palace. No wonder his soul was empty.
This was Solomon’s fault. His first wife was “but one,” and she liked belonging to him. He had time to talk to her enough to open his heart to her which made him hers. You see, oh my best beloved, it’s nearly impossible for a woman to like belonging to her husband unless he not only belongs to her, he likes belonging to her. Belonging to her requires that he open his heart to her. So much talk takes so much time that a man can’t possibly belong to more than one woman.
As I said, your grandmother strives to make her words health to me. I can open my heart without fear that she’ll hurt me, which keeps me belonging to her. I started talking to her in this way because I’d promised and as a by-product of wanting to understand how God had designed her to bless me. It took 20 years of talk, but we can explain how the characteristics my dorm mates disliked about women actually bless them.
The bottom line, Veronica, is that you can’t make your husband any happier than he makes you. Your happiness is greatest when he likes belonging to you. As a side benefit, opening his heart to you will teach him all kinds of ways to make you happy if he pays attention. The happier he makes you, the happier he will be.
God’s rules are very simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is as simple as salvation, its two words, “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him, that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what he hasn’t given.
When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior (Is. 43:25[171], Heb. 10:17[172]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God sees us as perfect, so we must follow God and see our spouses as perfect. When you look on your spouse, you should see the purity and perfection of His son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.
God expects bride and groom to enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God and with each other. Think about your spouse as perfect. Talk about your spouse as perfect. Tell your spouse and everyone you know that your spouse is perfect. The words that come out of your mouth will work back into your heart and you will treat your spouse as perfect.
If both parties work as hard as they can to do that, will the marriage work?
Questions and Discussions
Sunday School – Split Sessions, Men and Women Separately
Chapter 11 - How a Man Protects His Wife
You must earn your wife’s trust from the moment you meet her until death. How can she respect, follow, obey, honor, open herself to you, and submit herself to you if she can’t trust you? She’ll want to know whether you’re able to lead her, will you lead her, and if so, will you lead by serving her gently, page 15?
Will you blame her for everything that goes wrong as Adam did (Ge. 3:12[173]) or will you take responsibility? God appointed you to lead her; you must be worthy of her trust. As leader, failure belongs to you, so you must work with her and use her gifts along with yours to figure out how to prevent future failure.
God made men bigger and stronger than women; you are the person most likely to hurt your wife by bumping into her or tripping over her. God generally gives women more sensitive emotions than He gives men, so you are the most likely person to hurt her feelings by being careless in how you talk to her. God made them male and female, and they’re very different. Be careful to protect her from you.
Shortly before our wedding, my future wife asked that I never criticize her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.” The Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate (De. 28:56[174], Is. 47:1[175]).” I want to make it easy for my wife to love me, so I watch what I say. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife! The Song of Solomon teaches “only praise.”
The Protection She Needs Most
There is no joy this side of Heaven for a man that compares with having his wife enjoy belonging to him; having her follow him gladly is an additional benefit. For her to follow you happily, or to follow you at all, it’s vital that she trust you to protect her from your emotions and your passions and from hers starting the moment you meet her and continuing until one of you dies.
The Bible explains this man-woman thing. Jacob loved Rachel the moment he saw her (Ge. 29:18[176]) and worked for Laban 7 years to earn the right to take her to wife:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Jacob wanted Rachel badly enough to work for years. Why did he do that? He wanted her that badly.
God knows that marriage brings great responsibilities and great trials. He put powerful desires into men so they would protect their wives and care for them when things get tough, but there’s a problem – when a man’s attracted to a woman, he’s driven to get physical with her, and his desire increases the more he’s with her. How can a woman tell when a man’s sexually aroused? He’s breathing. Nurses in old-age homes say that when a man is no longer aware of them as women, he’s a few hours from death.
My wife tells a woman that her husband dreams of having her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. He seldom has that much strength, but that’s his plan. That tends to horrify her. When she realizes that she’ll want him to open his heart to her whenever she wants to talk, which is at least that often, she sees it will be OK for her to belong to him if he belongs to her. Women have no idea how scary it is for a man to admit his feelings and open his heart to her, but that’s how a man belongs to his wife. If he’s hers, seeing his joy in having her makes her happy. The wife in the Song of Solomon agrees (Song 1:2[177], 2:16[178], 6:3[179]).
The Bible teaches that giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10-11). Your fluid which you inject into her body is about 1-3% sperm. 80% is a sugar solution which may feed the sperm as they swim through her fallopian tube to fertilize her egg. The rest is a mixture of hundreds of chemicals that are absorbed into her bloodstream. Some affect her brain, either triggering ovulation or the production of other hormones by other organs. These powerful hormones bind her to the man who takes her.
Feeling dependent can be frightening. Rebecca veiled herself before meeting Isaac (Gen. 24:65[180]). It wasn’t the custom to veil or Isaac wouldn’t have told her to say she was his sister (Gen. 26:7[181]). Why did she do it? She knew Isaac had plans which would have a strong effect on her. Covering herself gave a little space.
Your wife will have a much easier time belonging to you if you convince you that you value her as highly as God does and that you love her as God loves you, page 101.
Men and Women are More Different than We Imagine
The Bible tells us how a man reacts to taking his bride to wife:
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
He feels like Superman, he’s ready to leap tall buildings at a single bound! What of her? The hormones produced in her body by his chemicals have bound her to him. She realizes that this is the man she must please, this is the man who will lead her, and she hopes it will work out well.
She may not have been particularly interested in coming together. Research shows that most women aren’t greatly aroused except when they’re fertile.[182] Depending on the woman, this can be a few hours per month or as little as fifteen minutes when her desire can be easily aroused by a man’s touch. Men are interested all the time, so we have to learn to control our impulses, urges, and desires.
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Women who haven’t made love are seldom interested, so she’ll have no experience controlling such powerful urges. Older women may tell girls not to kiss “because it’ll give him ideas.” That’s totally wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas during her fertile time. When both the man and the woman have the same idea, it’s very hard to stop.
Protect Her from You and From Herself
On our second date, the Holy Spirit led my future wife to tell me that she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night. She had no idea she was going to say that, it just popped out. This made me responsible for protecting her purity. She’d asked God to protect her for years, now she asked me to help God protect her.
We had no idea how important purity is to successful marriage, but we found out why God had her tell me that. My desire for her had been building since we met, but she’d make purity important and I played things very cool for weeks. We knew fornication was wrong; we were saving ourselves for marriage.
She was put off because I was so aloof. She was about to marry me, she was about to commit her life to me, and she wanted to know I loved her and that I wanted her badly enough to stay with her. She looked at me with a peculiar look and said, “You’re acting so cold and aloof, I’m not sure you really want me!”
That blew me away. Here I was, doing my very best to keep our marriage pure, and she didn’t know I wanted her! There are times when there’s nothing you can say to a woman, there are times when the only way to convince her is with action. I put my arms around her, and kissed her thoroughly, just like romance stories, I put a burning kiss on her upturned face.
I didn’t know that kissing could trigger her desires. We hadn’t understood the warning:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
The Greek word translated “touch” carries the meaning of kindling her or arousing her. Having had no teaching in that area, I had crossed God’s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness.
She relaxed for a few seconds, then struggled, then went limp. I finished kissing and looked at her. She was stunned. She was panting lightly; her face was flushed. I picked up her hand and it flopped down to her side, she was limp. My kiss set her off, her hormones were in charge, and she was mine for the taking.
I then did the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. That kiss worked on me, too, I was no longer cool or aloof, I wanted her as badly as she wanted me to take her, but I backed her up until she sat down in a chair, I backed up to another chair, and sat down to get my breath.
After a few minutes, she said, “Wow, you really do want me!” I said, “Yeah, but we better get out of here,” and we got. We were never, ever alone again until after our wedding.
She told me what happened. She said, “I felt a falling sensation, that’s when I struggled, then I was lost. You could’ve done anything you wanted with me, and I couldn’t have done anything about it. I couldn’t yell, I couldn’t struggle, I was yours.”
That’s how date rape happens, a man rubs her or kisses her at the wrong time, and she’s his.
A wife who’s on the pill will never be fertile. Although she can have sex, she generally won’t be nearly as interested as when she’s fertile. Giving herself when she isn’t interested is what “submit” means.
Why Purity Was Important
Serving God by belonging to me cost her more than she expected. My wife knew that God told Eve that her desire would be to her husband (Gen. 3:16[183]) and she knew that women are made for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[184]), women must think about those passages. She thought God meant that she’d want to get married. She’d wanted to be a wife and mother all her life; she thought she understood what God had in mind.
Nobody had told her what to expect. She didn’t know that God had worked on her hormones so that she’d really be mine. A few hours after our wedding, she was shocked at how strongly she yearned to belong to me. My taking her to wife had deeply changed her feelings. She’d expected to love me, but she also lost her sense of independence as God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me.
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man “has humbled” a woman by taking her, that’s part of the cost of having a man in her life. We may think this is something the man does to the woman, but the Hebrew word shows that a wife should choose to humble herself as Jesus humbled Himself:
And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 4:8
God wants children to have fathers. God made women so that a woman wants to cling to the man who takes her. Humbling herself by clinging to her husband and serving him gladly helps her children have a father, but her feeling of belonging to me gave her an endless feeling of falling through space. This was the most frightening experience of her life. She wanted to run away!
Weddings are a circus, I was worn out; she couldn’t sleep. Her mind wanted her to run and get back her independence, but instead of running, she went in the next room and cried out to God, “Oh, Lord, what have I done, I let this man take me, now I belong to him!”
Then she prayed, “God, I asked you to stop me if he wasn’t right for me, and You didn’t.” She knew God was faithful. All her days, she’d prayed that God would work on her heart to make her the wife He wanted her to be. This feeling of belonging to me didn’t make sense, nobody had told her about it, but such a strong feeling from within her had to be God working on her heart as she’d asked Him to do. She finally prayed, “Lord, You must really want me to belong to him. If that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.” Having chosen to humble herself by belonging to me, she came back to bed.
Being mine was an act of her will. Her mind didn’t see any reason to give up her independence and belong to me but God had answered her prayer and worked on her heart so that she wanted to be mine. As she prayed, she decided that her heart wanted what God wanted and her mind followed where her heart led. Having decided that she would belong to me, she’s always done her best from her heart and from her mind.
Once she humbled herself, she could be a keeper at home. Many women want to keep working because earning money gives them freedom and independence. Having willingly given up her independence, however, the money, recognition, and praise of work had no appeal. Humbling herself made her content to give up her job and take care of our children, her husband, and our home as God desires (1 Tim. 5:14[185]).
The fact that I had earned her trust made her able to give up her job when the time came. A woman who doesn’t trust her husband generally wants to keep her own income stream just in case. Consider this:
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
Why is he rushing home? To admire the curtains? To see how neatly she’s stacked her towels? No, he’s rushing home because he’s confident that his wife will welcome his intimate touch. She, on the other hand, is eagerly awaiting his desire to talk to her, tell her everything that happened, how he felt about it, and to hear all about how her day went, in mind-numbing detail. It’s as scary for a man to open his heart to his wife as for her to open her body to him, but that’s what the Bible teaches. God did indeed make them male and female.
The Importance of Talk
Just before our wedding, she told me she was eager to be married. I was too (Gen. 29:21[186], 1 Cor. 7:9[187]). I thought we were on the same page, but we weren’t even in the same chapter. She went on. “I really like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d talked a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it anymore. As she got marriage on the table, as she made me responsible for keeping her pure, she told me that talking to her beyond measure was an important part of our marriage.
I had no idea how vital this was. You must understand that a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to talk with her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind. Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her. Opening to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine. The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife should belong to each other (Song 2:16[188], 6:3[189]). God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her, and all that talk made me hers. Talk convinced her that I was hers so that she was no longer afraid to belong to me.
Keeping Her Calm
The hormones which take away independence wear off in a few hours. If her husband makes love to her more often than that, she’ll stay calm and always feel like belonging to him. When he leaves for a while, these feelings fade, independence returns, and she can guide the house more vigorously while he’s gone.
A married woman takes on herself the yoke of pleasing her husband as we take on Christ’s yoke.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. Matthew 11:28-29
Making sure your wife can trust you helps her find rest in belonging to you. She won’t like flipping back and forth between independence and dependence unless she trusts you deeply.
The wife in the Song gets advice from her mother how to please her husband (Song 8:3[190]); a man should read the Song and follow her husband’s example of appreciating her and Mrs. Lemuel’s advice to teach their children to praise and appreciate her (Pr. 31:28-29[191]). It gives his wife comfort and rest in belonging to him; she’ll rejoice that God made her so desirable to him and that he enjoys her so much. If he doesn’t give her rest, she’ll find his desires an ugly burden. I’ve heard women say, “I’d rather die” than submit.
Women Need Protection
Years later, my wife explained why waiting until we were married was so important. Her emotional reaction of belonging to me was so frightening that she didn’t think she could have stayed with me if I hadn’t already promised before God and before both our families that I’d be hers until death. If we hadn’t been married at the time, she would have walled off that part of her emotions, and they might never come back.
There is non-Biblical evidence for her fears. The book "Unprotected" by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why sex outside marriage is so damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 students for depression and other problems at one of America's most prestigious universities, she saw that a woman can become very depressed when she realizes her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex.
Women know that men should protect them for their emotions. If he takes her out of season, she’ll think of him as a cad and a thief even if she wanted it at the time. Having seen that I was strong enough to protect her not only from my passions but also from hers, she decided to trust me. A man wants to have his wife several times per day. This seems like more than a little much to a woman, especially in the first months of marriage when she isn’t sure how well her lubrication works.
When she was nervous, I’d tell her I’d stop if she said, “Ouch!” and I did. Knowing that she could trust me not to hurt her, she was willing to try. Except when she was ill, or hadn’t drunk enough water, or right after giving birth, God made her able to absorb all the passion I can generate so “Ouch” didn’t happen often.
How Stupid can Husbands Be?
There are few stupider things a man can do that are as stupid as showing his wife that he doesn’t care about hurting her in his passion. A woman has a thousand thousand ways of deflecting her husband’s desires. She’ll evade him and frustrate his desire unless she trusts him to be careful with her.
Being humbled makes her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s as appreciative of her as the husband in the Song of Solomon, she’ll be OK with feeling his love and desire more strongly (Song 7:10[192]), but if she thinks he’s unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel put down any more often than she has to.
God designed women so that your wife multiplies whatever you give her and reflects it back to you. When making babies, you give her one tiny cell. She nourishes your strength within herself and gives you a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of that baby has your DNA (Gen. 5:3[193]). If you give her a boy cell, she gives a boy, if you sow a girl cell, you reap a girl. We reap what we sow; it’s best to sow kindness and forgiveness:
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
God gave your wife sensitive emotions so that a she wants you to be pleased with her (1 Cor. 7:34[194]) and so that she can tell whether you’re pleased or not. Her emotions make her a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex your soul to death (Jud. 16:16[195]), multiply your unhappiness, and give all your unhappiness back to you. If you give her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness you give her and fill your house with the light of your joy in her. Men and their sons reap what they sow to the woman guiding the house, very quickly. A man must teach his sons to honor and appreciate their mother. If a meal turns into a kitchen disaster, for example, they must appreciate it, help clean up, and fix it if possible, if only for the sake of the effort she put into it.
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife or a son his mother. Not for burned food, not for broken houseware, not for anything at all. Not ever! We know wives who received so many complaints that they quit cooking and bought prepared food so they could say, “Take it up with the manufacturer.” Wives seek praise. A woman is more likely to stop doing something that’s not praised than if she’s ordered to stop.
Sow love; reap a house of love. The secret of happiness in marriage is for you and your children to convince your wife that they are happy with her and protect her so that she trusts you enough to follow you and enjoy giving herself to you. That makes her happy, and her happiness fills your home with love and light.
The choice is yours; God made her a mirror reflecting back your relationship to her and your feelings toward her. It really is that simple. That’s why you should base your marriage on Only Praise, page 17.
Can You Love Her as Christ Loves You?
Now we get to the final and most difficult question for you. Christ expects you to love your wife as He loves you. God knows that women often do things that drive men crazy, but that’s part of the package God gives as a gift, you don’t get to pick and choose which features you want and which you don’t. Neither does she – you, too come as a complete package. That’s why both of you should ask God to choose His best.
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
The Greek word translated “love” is agapao, which is an act of will, it is not an emotion, it is something you are commanded to do if you marry her. Note also that Christ sanctifies the church and cleanses it to present it “to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing.” Are you prepared to help her develop her gifts and talents to present her to yourself a “glorious wife?” “Without spot or wrinkle or any such thing” means that you must treat her as perfect for you.
Eph. 4:31-32[196] tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:10-12[197], Is. 43:25[198], Heb. 10:17[199]). When God washes away our sins (Heb. 9:14[200], 10:19-22[201]), what’s left is perfect and without condemnation (Rom. 8:1[202], 15:13[203]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God sees you as perfect, so you must follow God and see your wife as perfect.
Paul wrote that we do the work of spreading the Gospel because our love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes us do it. We serve Him because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouses should constrain us to do whatever we can to please him or her. If lost people see married Christians working to please each other out of love, they’ll often ask how we can handle the problems the other person causes. That gives us a chance to talk about God’s love and God’s forgiveness. God forgives us, so God expects us to forgive other people in the same way He forgave us.
Are you ready to think about dedicating the rest of your life to nourishing, cherishing, and serving (Mk. 9:35[204], 10:42-45[205]) this woman as Christ expects? If not, it would be dishonest for you to pursue her or marry her.
Chapter 12 - What Should Older Women Teach?
Older women should teach younger women about men because they don’t know:
The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5
My wife tells a young lady that her husband dreams of having her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his plan.
A girl who hasn’t even dated knows that she’ll belong to a man who does that. This tends to scare her, but she’ll want him to open his heart to her whenever she wants to talk, which is at least that often. She’ll see it will be OK to belong to him if he belongs to her. If he’s happy with her, seeing his joy in having her makes her happy and she’ll want to keep doing it. The wife in the Song of Solomon agrees (Song 1:2[206], 2:16[207], 6:3[208]).
The Bible explains this man-woman thing. The moment he saw her, Jacob wanted Rachel badly enough to work for Laban for 7 years to earn the right to take her:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her. If he can have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t already have? Why marry?
A man’s desire for a woman can be strong enough to drive him to commit murder:
And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. 8And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife. 9And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife; and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her. 10And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us. Genesis 26:7-10
David murdered Bathsheba’s husband to have her; Isaac thought that the “men of the place” would kill him to have his desirable wife. Abimelech was angry because “one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us.” There would have been no guilt for “lightly have lien” with Rebekah if she wasn’t married. She had no right to her body; raping her would have been no crime. She was married, though, so rape would have been a property crime against her husband.
In the flesh, a man doesn’t see much wrong with sex without marriage even if she isn’t willing. The book "Unprotected" by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why sex outside marriage is so damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 students for depression and other emotional problems at a prestigious university, she wrote that a woman can become very depressed when she realizes her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex. Women associate sex with commitment; men generally don’t.
When a man tells a girl he loves her, he means that he wants her to open her body to him. Men think the birth control pill means a girl plans to have sex. This makes it hard for her to say “No,” so she shouldn’t use it. When a man asks for sex, she can say, “We can’t do that – you’re a stud, you’ll get me pregnant. The pill can cause blood clots and other dangers so I’m not taking it. Abortions are risky and some women get really depressed afterward. No sex unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.”
God made women for men (Gen. 2:18[209], 1 Cor. 11:8-9[210]). Marrying puts on the yoke of pleasing her husband (1 Cor. 7:34[211]). She shouldn’t get involved with a man who isn’t naturally pleased with her.
God Gave Men Strong Desires On Purpose
Marriage brings great trials. God put powerful desires into men to make them stay with their wives when things get tough. When a man’s attracted to a woman, he’s driven to get physical with her, and his desire increases the more he’s with her. No woman can understand this any more than a man can understand how women feel about babies. Girls must know this and be careful of any man not her husband.
How can a woman tell when a man’s sexually aroused? He’s breathing. Nurses in old-age homes say that when a man is no longer aware of them as women, he’s a few hours from death.
Giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10-11). Losing independence can be frightening - Rebecca veiled herself before meeting Isaac (Gen. 24:65[212]). It wasn’t the custom to veil or Isaac wouldn’t have told her to say she was his sister (Gen. 26:7[213]). Why did she cover herself? She knew Isaac had plans and that his plans would have a powerful effect on her. She veiled herself to get a little space.
Men and Women are More Different than We Imagine
The Bible tells how a man reacts to taking his bride to wife:
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
He feels like Superman, he’s ready to leap tall buildings at a single bound! What of her? The hormones produced in her body have bound her to him. This is the man she must please, this is the man who leads her, and she hopes for the best. She probably wasn’t very interested - few women are aroused except when they’re fertile. Her fertile time can be as little as fifteen minutes when his touch can arouse her desire.
Men are always interested so they must learn to control their impulses, urges, and desires.
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Women who haven’t made love may not be interested, so a girl has no experience controlling such powerful urges. Older women may tell girls not to kiss “because it’ll give him ideas.” That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing during her fertile time may give her ideas. It’s very hard to stop when they both want it. The Bible teaches that it’s better for a man not to touch a woman so as to kindle her desires (1 Cor. 7:1-2[214]). The chaperone’s job is to stop the couple when they can’t stop themselves.
A wife has many needs she expects her husband to supply. Telling a young woman about a man’s physical desires and discussing what my wife told me about herself on page 69 will help. The better she understands her needs, the better she can explain, and the more confident she can make him that he can make her happy.
A grandmother read one of our articles on how to be a husband. “Must I read what you said about being a wife?” she asked. She had married daughters. I knew she knew what men want, so I said “No.”
“Let me put it this way,” she said. “If my husband treated me that way, I would not only be willing to give him what he wants, I would not only be glad to do what he wants, I would be honored to do that for him.” Giving herself to a man makes a woman more sensitive to his true feelings about her. If he really appreciates her, feeling his joy in her more strongly makes her happy. If she believes he’s upset or critical, she won’t want to feel his negative views more strongly and will evade his desires whenever she can.
Women are so different from men that God warns men to love their wives instead of being bitter (Col. 3:19[215]). Men can irritate women, often without knowing why. The Bible shows how to handle that:
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger? Ruth 2:10
If you scream when your husband upsets you, he won’t want to listen to what you say. When Boaz told Ruth he’d told other men to leave her alone, she asked him why! Instead of ignoring her, he opened his heart to her. Ask your husband gently why he did what irritated you. He may have a good reason, or he may not have known it would bother you. There’s more detail in Handling Conflict in Marriage on page 41.
What a Mother-in-Law Taught
The Book of Ruth shows how Naomi instructed Ruth, her daughter-in-law, how to get married. Ruth was a widow who knew about men so Naomi didn’t have to explain a man’s physical drive. A woman should know about a man’s basic drive and then study How Ruth Found Rest in the Home of her Husband on page 115.
Here’s a summary of Ruth’s Rules for Getting Married:
1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than to have a husband without God. 2) Realize that you’re made for him and he’s not made for you. You’re the tail on his kite, so you’d better be sure his kite has a string. If he has a string, you and he can soar together, but if he has no string, you’ll bump along the ground and get all muddy. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you so you can find rest in cleaning up after him and enjoy belonging to him. 4) Be hard to get, don’t give a man rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice from an older woman no matter how old you are. 6) The time of courtship is when you find out if he trusts you enough accept your help and to open his heart. Make sure he listens to you by opening his heart to you and that he values you enough to meet your need to talk all your days.
What A Mother Taught
The Song of Songs was written 3,000 years ago to show how husbands and wives should treat each other. It was passed down by hand-copying over centuries because it captures the rules for a happy marriage.
1) It starts with the wife praising her husband (Song 1:2[216]). Men don't seem to understand women very well; maybe having a wife praise her husband teaches him how to praise her? Feeling appreciated by his wife makes a man more inclined to take care of her and to appreciate her.
2) The wife recognizes, appreciates, and encourages her husband's desire for her (Song 7:10[217]).
Her mother tells her how to keep her husband’s desire focused on her (Song 8:2-3[218]) to keep him from noticing other women (Song 6:8-9[219]). She has more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off every bit of his sexual energy. That makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him out of the house loaded, he'll be tempted by other women. Women are often amazed at how often men want this.
Giving herself whenever he wants her proves that she belongs to him. Men are possessive. Knowing she belongs to him helps him want to take care of her. Giving herself is humbling (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Ezekiel 22:10-11). She won’t want to do it unless she knows that he belongs to her and values her.
Caring for a wife properly is a lot of work, but there is no joy this side of Heaven for a man that compares with having a woman like belonging to him, but he must first convince her that he likes belonging to her.
A man can't praise his wife in such detail without paying attention to her and opening his heart to her when she wants to talk. Marriages are based on communication; women communicate heart-to-heart, men communicate belly-to-belly. How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and looked for ways to give thanks instead? That’s the essence of the Song.
What Should Her Husband Know about Her?
80-90% of how a marriage works out lies in how the husband acts toward his wife, but a high percentage of how he treats her is based on how she behaves before they marry. As a girl becomes a woman, how she chooses to relate to the opposite sex has great influence on her happiness. It's important to get it right.
When a girl gets together with a boy, she can be his Toy, Treasure, Trophy, or Trash. God created women to be treasures but our society teaches girls to be toys. They dress in marketing mode. They're taught to undulate around sending the message "Come play with me" and boys are happy to do that.
Ever watch a boy play with a toy truck? He pushes it this way and that until he's tired of it. Then he discards it and grabs another toy. Being discarded is hard on women. Any boy can play with her but it takes a man to stay with her. Toy or Treasure, play or stay summarizes the issue for a woman. It doesn't take many times being discarded before her heart is so scarred that she's little more than trash in a man's eye.
Being a trophy isn't much better. When he tires of showing her off, he'll discard her find a newer, flashier model. Being discarded harms women badly – after it happens too often, they feel like Trash.
A man knows that a woman can give him a taste of the joys of Heaven but few realize that she can make him no happier than he makes her. A man who isn't sure he can make her happy holds back his emotions so he won't be hurt. Few women have the words to explain their needs to men. If a woman wants to be treated better than a toy, she has to say so up front and show him that he will be able to make her happy. The goal of this section is to give a woman the words to explain herself so that a man can be confident he’ll make her happy and so that he will see that making her happy will make him very happy indeed.
My wife asked God to choose her husband. God had to teach me how to care for her before He could give her to me, so the Holy Spirit led her to tell me about her. This made me want to marry her because I knew how to care for her. This became the foundation for our very happy marriage. We wrote it down on page 69. Her ideas will help a woman make a man confident he can make her happy. He’ll feel safe opening his heart to her and show him that making her happy will make him very happy. God puts a very high value on a wife.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
She must understand her value and insist that any man pursuing believe that she’s beyond price.
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven that compares with having a woman like belonging to him, but he has to convince her that he likes belonging to her and caring for her for that to work.
Sound Bite Marriage
The Internet generation has limited attention span. Everything must be short:
· Accepting salvation is two words: “only believe (Ro. 10:9[220]).” You must choose to believe!
· Sexual morality, that is, when a man and woman may come together physically, is 50% more complicated than salvation, it’s 3 words, “Only in marriage (1 Cor. 7:1-2[221]).”
· Entering Holy Matrimony is three words, “vowing, paying, taking” (Gen. 24:67[222], Ru. 4:13a[223]).” These men made public marriage vows before taking the women. Isaac supplied the tent and Boaz had wealth.
· Staying married is two words, “only praise (p 17).” Nowhere in Scripture does a man criticize his wife. The Song shows a couple praising every little detail. We must rule our tongues (Pr. 25:28[224], Jas. 1:26[225]).
· Marriage is built on “seed and speech (1 Cor. 7:3-4[226], 1 Pe. 3:7[227]).” A husband plans to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God doesn’t often give him that much strength, but that’s his plan (Ge.29:21[228]). She wants him to open his heart to her at least that often. He puts himself into her body. She puts herself, that is, her words, her thoughts, her feelings, her nature, into his heart.
He leaves his seed in her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby. She leaves her essence, her being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about her, how he treats her, and how they relate to others (1 Pe. 3:7[229]). People know whether a couple belongs to each other by watching them or hearing them.
She wants to hear him thanking God for creating marriage and for giving her to him. He should tell her she’s important to him and that he’s becoming more and more involved with her.
He wants her to say, “That was wonderful, I like belonging to you. Let’s do that again as soon as you can.” This encourages him to stay awake and talk to her for a while.
She wants him to say how much hearing her ideas and thoughts helps him make better decisions. She should point out that they could do it more often if he was in better shape. Giving him a motive for exercise helps him live longer and shortens her time of being a widow.
He wants her to encourage him to have her when he hasn’t asked; she wants him to seek out her knowledge, ideas, thoughts, and feelings when she hasn’t suggested that they talk.
There’s a saying, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.” He can’t come to love her soul without being willing to spend many, many hours in open-hearted talk with her.
Couples should be one as Adam and Eve were before God separated Eve from Adam’s body (Mk. 10:8[230]).
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 5:1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; Ephesians 4:32-5:1
Jesus expects us to follow after God. When God looks on your spouse, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whose blood washes away all sins (Ps. 103:12[231], I Cor. 6:11[232]). To follow God, you must look on your spouse and think of a reflection of the perfection and purity of Christ.
See your spouse as perfect (page 63), thank God for a perfect spouse, and speak of your spouse as perfect.
Let Us Reason Together, Saith the Lord – Isaiah 1:18
God made women for men (Gen. 2:18[233]); men are not made for women (I Cor. 11:8-9[234], Pr. 18:22[235]). Jesus taught that a wife is a gift from God and the bride’s parents to the groom (Lk. 17:27[236], 20:34[237]). The story of the talents (Mt. 25:14-30) teaches that God holds a man accountable for using every gift God gives to glorify Him including all the gifts God gave his wife. Once he marries, her groom is as accountable to God for developing and using her and their children’s gifts as he is accountable for developing and using his own.
Pr. 31:1[238] shows that Chapter 31 was written to men and that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his future wife. Working mothers don’t have time to do that so few men have learned how to bless a wife. A girl has to be ready to explain her needs and the Biblical principles for helping a man make her happy enough to receive the joy God intended for both parties when He instituted marriage.
After all, a wife can make her husband no happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[239]). The happier he makes her, the happier he will be. She must tell him that she plans to be a treasure for her husband and that she expects him to treat her as a potential lifelong treasure before the first date.
Chapter 13 - Sunday Morning – Christians Must Forgive
How many of you have heard of Ingrid Betancourt? The Colombian military rescued her from the FARC drug dealers on July 2, 2008. She’d been captive for six years; her scars from being chained to trees give evidence of cruel treatment. She knows that every human has an animal inside. “In any situation like the ones I experienced, perhaps any of us could do those kinds of cruel things. For me it was like understanding what I couldn't understand before, how for example the Nazis, how (things like that) could have happened.”
The Tribune described her treatment by FARC:
“It was not treatment that you can give to a living being,” … She added: “I wouldn't have given the treatment I had to an animal, perhaps not even to a plant.”
The New York Times reported that she had been tortured and quoted her as saying that her captors had fallen into “diabolical behavior,” adding, “It was so monstrous I think they themselves were disgusted.”
A couple of months after she was kidnapped, she was given her meal wrapped in a newspaper. This was the first reading matter she'd seen since being snatched; she absorbed it eagerly. It was the account of her father's funeral, brought especially to her for her reading pleasure.
Mrs. Betancourt has looked in the face of evil. A gang of drug dealers tortured a helpless captive for years. They were disgusted by what they did, yet they did it for six years. There was no profit in torturing her, she knew nothing they needed to know; she was a hostage, a tool to get leverage against the outside world.
The people of FARC define evil. They did evil, they were disgusted by their evil, they knew it was evil, they gained nothing from their evil; they did evil for the sake of doing evil. If they were like the Nazis, they played games among themselves, trying to think of newer, more exotic ways to outdo each other in how evil they could be. She says that what they did to her gave her an understanding of what the Nazis did to their helpless victims; looking daily in the face of evil explained the lamp shades the Nazis made from human skin.
Everyone wants to know what happened to her but she isn’t ready to say. Newsweek quotes her:
I know that I have to testify to all that I lived. I know it is something that has to be done, but I need time. It is not easy to talk about things that still hurt. It will probably hurt all my life. I want to forgive, but forgiveness comes with forgetting. I have to forget in order to find peace in my soul and be able to forgive. But at the same time, once I have forgiven and forgotten, I will have to bring back memories [to tell others]. They will probably be filtered by time so they won't come with all the pain that I feel right now.
Mrs. Betancourt understands that she must forgive her torturers to find peace in her own soul.
Forgiveness is Not an Option
When something really bad happens, how often have we heard, “Just let go of it and move on.”? Wounded people have to move on, of course, but “just let go” is far too simplistic to be of help. Mrs. Betancourt knows it's not just “let go and move on,” it's “forgive, then you can let go and move on.” The Bible teaches that you can't move on until you let go and you can't let go until you forgive through the grace of God.
Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; [not forgive] lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Hebrews 12:15
Mrs. Betancourt has it right - being bitter will defile her soul. She must forgive those who tortured her with such calculated cruelty. Forgiving is the only path to finding peace in her soul. She’s been treated so badly that if she keeps her bitterness inside her, bitterness will defile her and destroy her.
I have many friends who've been treated badly, but I don't know of anyone who's been treated as badly as Mrs. Betancourt except possibly Sen. McCain. As Sen. McCain went to Vietnam, visited his former prison, and forgave those who tortured him, Mrs. Betancourt knows that she must forgive if only to find peace in her own soul. Her captors may never know of her forgiveness; they may not care if they ever hear of it, but granting forgiveness is essential for her to move on. Forgiveness is for her, not for them. Forgiveness is for you.
Gazing in the Face of Evil
What happened to her was so traumatic that she'll have to forget temporarily to gain enough strength to forgive. Once she forgives, however, she plans to remember so she can tell others. Her experience led her to “understanding what I couldn't understand before.” Having been unable to understand evil before being kidnapped and tortured, she realizes that ordinary citizens can't understand why we must fight the forces of evil. She wants to help naive people understand that evil is real in the hearts and lives and minds of men.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9
Mrs. Betancourt gazed every day, every hour, in the face of evil, eyeball to eyeball, for six long years. She knows that the heart is deceitful above all things. She understands that, “perhaps any of us could do those kinds of cruel things.” She knows that all men have sinned (Ro. 3:23[240]). She plans to remember all her pain and tell us about it. She wants us to know what evil is like. Maybe we'll understand why we must fight the forces of evil which are loose in our world. I hope she can convey her message before it's too late.
There is evil in the world. People will wrong us, but we must forgive. We must forgive for two reasons:
First, Mrs. Betancourt recognizes that she must forgive for the sake of her own soul. If you don’t forgive, bitterness springs up and troubles you and defiles you. We all know that, we’ve all been bitter at one time or another; we know the harm bitterness does to our sense of peace. We must forgive if only for our own sake.
The second reason to forgive is that God commands us to forgive and promises us the power to forgive.
The Power of God to Forgive
The newspapers say Mrs. Betancourt is Catholic; the only possession she could bring out of her captivity was a rosary she’d made from leaves and thread. She said that her prayers to God kept her alive. I can believe that, but I wonder whether she plans to forgive her torturers in her own strength or whether she’ll lean on the power of God to forgive. I suspect she’s trying to do it in her own strength. She said, “I have to forget in order to find peace in my soul and be able to forgive.” She says she can’t forgive unless she forgets first.
That’s not what the Bible teaches.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. Colossians 3:13
The Bible says twice we must forgive as Jesus forgave. Did Jesus have to forget our sins in order to forgive them? No, He said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” (Lk. 23:34a[241]). He knew their sin and He forgave them anyway. Mothers forgive children without forgetting what their kids did; Jesus doesn’t have to forget what we do in order to forgive us. We needn’t forget to forgive; we need His help to forgive.
We can’t forgive in our own strength; forgiveness requires the grace of God. Ever hear of Corrie Ten Boom? The book, “The Hiding place,” tells how her family hid Jews during WW II. This was against the law; the Nazis’ laws said Jews had to be turned in. She and her family were criminals in the eyes of the law.
Toward the end of the war, the Nazis caught them and took them to concentration camps. Every one of her family except Corrie died in the camps. She and her sister were imprisoned together. Her sister became ill. She knew her sister would get well if she got better food and was kept warm for a few days. She begged the guards to help her just a little so her sister would live. They mocked her sorrow; her sister died.
It’s one thing to lose a loved one when doctors do all they can. It’s something else to be in prison and hear, “We could cure her; we’ll let her die.” Could you forgive men who mocked your tears as they let your child die? Not in your own strength, you couldn’t. How do I know? Corrie couldn’t in her own strength. After months of travel in Europe and America preaching forgiveness, she visited Germany. This is her testimony:
It was a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former SS man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck [the prison]. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there-the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s [her sister] pain-blanched face.
She’d put memory aside, but “suddenly it was all there,” she couldn’t forget. Neither can Mrs. Betancourt.
He came up as the church was emptying, beaming, and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,” he said, “to think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!”
His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Blomendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.
Had she forgiven the men who murdered her sister and the rest of her family? No. She was saved, God had forgiven her sins, but she couldn’t forgive, she couldn’t shake his hand, not in her strength alone.
Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? “Lord Jesus,” I prayed, “forgive me and help me to forgive him.”
I tried to smile; I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again, I breathed a silent prayer, “Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.”
As I took his hand, the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger which almost overwhelmed me.
And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.
Corrie couldn’t forgive the man in her own strength any more than she could save herself in her own strength, but she could forgive him through “Christ which strengtheneth me” (Philippians 4:13). Note, please, God did not answer her first prayer to forgive the man, she had to ask again to show she meant it.
Showing Christ Through Forgiveness
That’s the third reason we must forgive–we show Christ in our forgiveness. The SS man knew he’d done terrible evil, yet he felt the forgiveness of Christ as Corrie told him the gospel. What if she hadn’t shaken his hand? What if he saw she hadn’t forgiven him? Would he have decided that her message of the gospel was a lie, rejected Christ, and gone to Hell? But she forgave him through the power of Christ! He was saved!
He tested her. He saw her hesitation; he saw the horror and fear on her face, he knew she felt the pain of his sins against her as Jesus felt the pain of our sins against Him. When she asked Jesus to give her His forgiveness to pass to the Nazi, Corrie was filled with love and became a new creature before his eyes. The Nazi saw her forgiveness and felt Jesus’ love flow through her to him. He believed! We show Christ in our forgiveness, we show Satan in our bitterness, it’s one or the other. Do you show God or do you show Satan?
God's love took away her fear of this man who’d hurt her. Even if Mrs. Betancourt forgives, what if she met one of the men who tortured her on the street? She'd be terrified. The Bible gives the cure for fear:
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:8 *
God's love not only helped Corrie forgive, God's love for the Nazi took way her fear and became a stream of living water, pouring out God's grace, and love, and mercy, and forgiveness to this man through her.
Corrie ten Boom looked in the face of evil, saw evil kill her beloved sister and the rest of her family, and was released through a clerical error when ninety-six thousand other women died. She went all over Europe bearing witness to the goodness and mercy of Christ. In spite of preaching forgiveness, she could not forgive in her own strength. Through Christ she forgave the man who murdered her sister without having to forget!
I know she needed God’s grace to forgive because I’ve had trouble forgiving. Over 65 years of work, 5 men have cheated me for a lot of money. My wife had trouble forgiving the first, but she forgave them all. I’d forgiven 4 out of 5; I’d had trouble forgiving the 5th. I’d asked God’s help in forgiving, but as I wrote this, I realized I hadn’t humbled myself to ask the Lord to channel His forgiveness through me. Only in Christ can we be truly forgiven, only in Christ could I truly forgive. God brought him back into my life 36 hours later.
I don’t have enough grace of myself to forgive people who wrong me any more than Corrie ten Boom had enough grace to forgive the Nazi of herself. God has enough grace for all of us, and He tells us how to get it:
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16 *
We needn’t beg, we don’t have to be timid, we’re to come boldly to God’s throne of grace and get all we need. We get grace for our sins and grace to help us forgive others. God promises to answer when we pray “according to his will.” He commands us to forgive; it’s His will that we forgive. If we boldly pray for grace to forgive, He’ll give us the grace to forgive, and we’ll get extra mercy for ourselves while we’re at His throne.
My heart goes out to Mrs. Bentacourt. She knows she must forgive to purify her soul of the evil poured out upon her, but she thinks she can do it in her own strength. I pray that she calls on God for His strength.
Forgiveness Determines Our Judgment
There’s one more reason to forgive-the way we forgive others affects our joy in our own forgiveness.
Judge not that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Matthew 7:1-2 *
If I won't forgive, I’ll doubt God’s forgiveness. The more I pass on His mercy and His grace to others, the more His mercy and grace fill me and the more I can believe I have God’s mercy and His grace. If I don’t forgive, who measures my unforgiveness to me? Not God! He forgave me. I do, it’s my own unforgiveness that comes right back on me. If I’m angry, it’s hard to believe that God isn’t angry with me. My own anger, my own bitterness is measured back on to me. I measure my own judgment back onto my own self!
God wants harmony in His church and in His marriages and among His people. God knows we can’t follow His command to forgive without Him, Corrie ten Boom couldn’t, I can’t, you can’t, but He will help. Jesus promised to save anyone who called on Him. He also promised that God would answer certain prayers.
And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: and if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him. I John 5:14-15
Corrie prayed, “Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.” That’s like the sinner’s prayer, “Jesus, I cannot save myself, I cannot forgive myself. Give me Your forgiveness.” Many Christians doubt their salvation. Why? When you’re saved, you feel God’s forgiveness fill you, but you forget. How do you renew the joy in your forgiveness? By channeling God’s forgiveness to others. If you won’t forgive, if you don’t let God’s forgiveness and His mercy flow through you to other people, you’ll forget and you'll doubt.
With the merciful thou wilt shew thyself merciful; with an upright man thou wilt shew thyself upright; with the pure thou wilt shew thyself pure; and with the froward thou wilt shew thyself froward. Psalm 18:25-26
When the Bible speaks of God shewing Himself, it speaks of how God seems to you. God is a God of love, mercy, and justice, but He won’t always seem that way. If we’re merciful, that is, if we forgive other people, God seems merciful to us and we’ll feel forgiven. What if we're forward? “Froward” means “turning from, or turning way from, perverse, unyielding.” If we’re froward, God seems to be perverse, He seems to be turning away from us and we won’t feel His love. If we want to see and feel God’s forgiveness for us and His love for us, we must give God’s forgiveness and God’s love to others. Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you (Jass 4:8a[242]). You make the first move. You determine how near God seems to you. If you want to feel forgiven, you must forgive! Mrs. Betancourt knows she must forgive to purify her soul.
Forgiveness Shows Salvation
Some Christians tell me they know God would help them forgive, but they won’t ask because they don’t want to forgive. Do these people have Christ at all? God says we’ll be forgiven as we forgive others (Mt 6:12[243]).
The guard heard Corrie’s story of evil done in his prison. Knowing she’d recognize him, he tested her. She couldn’t forgive by herself; she humbled herself and admitted she couldn’t do it. She asked God’s help to do as God commands. Her actions proved her faith as taught in the Book of James; God gave her the power to forgive; the guard felt her forgiveness. Would he have believed her testimony without her forgiveness? When a Christian says he won’t ask God to help him forgive, can I believe what he says about his salvation?
If you don’t want to forgive someone, are you sure you’re saved? God sets His people apart unto God; that makes us holy. Holiness includes grace and mercy as well as being set apart. If you don’t have the grace and mercy of holiness, you may not be holy, you may not be set apart; you may not be saved. Saved people have the desire to use God’s grace to bless others as Corrie blessed the Nazi who had harmed her so terribly.
If you aren’t holy, if you don’t have God’s grace within you, shouldn’t you ask for it? God promises:
He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. John 7:38
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
Corrie was a good steward of the grace of God–she asked God for grace to help when she needed to forgive the man who’d wronged her; living water flowed through her to him. We’re to channel God’s forgiveness to those God allows to hurt us. God saved Corrie’s life through a “clerical error” to channel His forgiveness. I don’t know why God allowed Mrs. Betancourt to suffer such a trial, but her story is all over the world. Pray that she might receive the grace of God and pass it on!
Receiving Forgiveness
We must know our own need for forgiveness before we can be forgiven. Then, we ask for God’s forgiving grace so we can channel God’s forgiveness to whoever harmed us. Corrie ten Boom recognized her sin in not forgiving the Nazi. She asked God to forgive her and to help her forgive him at the same time; she couldn’t forgive him in her own strength. He recognized his sin; that’s why God could forgive him.
If Mrs. Betancourt calls on the Lord to help her forgive her torturers, God promises that she will be able to forgive, but what about them? Let’s assume she’s able to forgive her torturers with God’s help as Corrie, with God’s help, forgave those who tormented her. What then?
Her FARC kidnappers may not think they’ve done anything to forgive. As bitterness of not forgiving defiles many, pride of not admitting sin defiles many. Remember Jesus’ story of the two men who prayed:
Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. Luke 18:10-12
The Pharisee’s heart had no room for seeing that he had done wrong. Suppose he hurt someone who then tried to forgive him. Could he accept forgiveness? No, he was too full of his own righteousness to need forgiveness. Forgiveness was for sinners like the publican, not for exalted beings like him! We must know our need for forgiveness to give forgiveness; we must know our need for forgiveness to receive forgiveness.
The Nazi who harmed Corrie said, “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein, to think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” Could the man have said that without knowing the evil he’d done? Of course not. It takes the same humility to accept forgiveness as it takes to give forgiveness. Forgiveness comes only from God through the grace of God; we’re channels God uses to pass our forgiveness to others along with His. When the man saw Corrie’s forgiveness, he could accept God’s forgiveness and be saved.
Corrie’s experience with the Nazi shows that God can touch the heart of anyone, no matter how evil. Mrs. Betancourt’s forgiveness will heal her, but it won’t help her kidnappers unless they humble themselves and accept forgiveness. God offers them forgiveness too, of course. God’s forgiveness won’t help them unless they accept it; Mrs. Betancourt’s forgiveness won’t do them any good unless they accept it. Given the nature of evil, they’ll have to accept God’s forgiveness in salvation before they can accept her forgiveness.
Given the nature of men and women, we must forgive and accept forgiveness in our marriages.
Forgiveness in Marriage
Of all the people you know, your spouse is the most likely to hurt you. Men and women are so different that they get on each other’s nerves. The principles of giving and receiving forgiveness are the same in marriage as in church, but I know many, many couples who won’t forgive each other. It’s usually due to pride–like the Publican, one or the other or most often both won’t admit that they could possibly have done hurt. Without an awareness of causing hurt, it’s impossible to ask for or to receive forgiveness. Without the forgiveness of God’s grace to cover hurts, marriage sinks into a sea of pain.
God planned that married people wouldn’t be lonely, but I know many married people who are desperately lonely. Marriage starts with “I do,” your marriage won’t work unless you say “I do” and mean it, but marriage runs on “I’m sorry.” If you can’t humble yourself to say “I’m sorry” from your heart, if you can’t die to yourself to receive and give forgiveness, if you can’t talk as long as it takes to understand the hurt and fix it, how can you become “one flesh” as God commands (Mt. 19:5-6[244], Mk. 10:8[245])?
When we’re hurt, or angry, or offended, we tend to define “sin” as whatever we didn’t like. Suppose a wife gets angry and her husband asks her forgiveness. She may not want to forgive him unless he sees what he did in the way she sees it; she won’t forgive unless he becomes like her. I’ve seen men do this, too.
I can’t insist that my wife see everything my way as a condition of receiving my forgiveness. People differ in personality, gender, habits, culture, and priorities; misunderstandings can lead to demanding an apology or offering forgiveness when the other person has no clue what’s wrong. It may take hours or days of talk to understand the hurt, but if you leave hurt alone, bitterness will defile your marriage over time.
God defines sin, not you or me. God doesn’t have big sins and little sins. Sin is any violation of God’s laws that we find in His book. We sin if we don’t do what God commands or if we do what God forbids. What we think is sin might be a difference of opinion. It’s vital to really talk about what’s going on. When my wife or I hurt each other, it’s usually because we didn’t understand what was being said. Much of the time, a hurt may not be sin at all, but it’s vital to forgive and forget the hurt. Forgiving is commanded, not forgiving is sin.
For all the married people I know who’ve suffered physical, mental, or emotional abuse; for all the married people I know who’ve been betrayed through adultery or other infidelities, I don’t know any who’ve suffered as much as either Mrs. Betancourt or Corrie ten Boom. Mrs. Betancourt may or may not be able to forgive, but she realizes that she has to try for her own soul’s sake; Corrie forgave through the power of God.
God promises to forgive anyone who asks. God promises to help anyone do as He commands. God commands us to forgive as He forgives; it's not a suggestion. If we’re Christians, if we’re God’s people, we had to humble ourselves to ask His forgiveness in the first place. If we can do that, why can’t we humble ourselves to ask His help in forgiving others? Why can’t we humble ourselves enough to try to understand, to ask forgiveness, and to receive forgiveness? Are we so proud? Or are we just too busy with the cares of this world to care enough about obeying God to seek the peace of God through giving forgiveness?
Conclusion
Forgiveness is not an option; it’s a command of God. If you don’t forgive, bitterness defiles you. Bitterness makes it hard for you to feel God’s love. If you can’t feel God’s love, Satan makes you feel fear. As with all God’s commands, forgiving is very hard. As with all God’s commands, forgiveness is so hard that neither you nor I can forgive in our own strength, we have to ask God to forgive through us. As Corrie felt the joy of God’s love flowing through her, there are great rewards in obeying God’s command to forgive.
Any wife knows that living with a man requires a double measure of forgiveness. My wife forgives me more often than I know. As she forgives me, it reminds us both that God forgives us. Forgiving is so much harder for men that God gave a special command to men to love their wives and forgive their wives:
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
Forgiving each other reminds us that God forgives us, but there’s more to God’s grace in marriage.
Let me illustrate the joys of obeying God’s simple, but oh, so difficult, commands. On our wedding night, Roberta opened herself to me; I took her to wife with joy and gladness. She was filled with fear; her heart knew God wanted her to be mine; her head wanted to stay independent. She couldn’t belong to me in her own strength. She prayed; God gave her the strength. She’s been mine since Aug. 21, 1971, and God has honored her obedience. Belonging to me gives her confidence that she belongs to God, but what of me?
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Eph. 5:24
Can I love Roberta with the love of Christ in my own strength? Of course not, but I asked Jesus’ help; He channeled His love through me to Roberta. This isn’t John 3:16 which says God loves the world, it says “as Christ also loved the church.” This is Jesus’ love for His very own people, for His very own church.
Wives know men are possessive; what about Jesus? Is Jesus possessive of His Own? John 10:28 says, “neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” Ponder this. Jesus gave Himself for the church. He leads us, He nourishes us, He cherishes us, but what about the lost? What about those who aren’t His?
He loves them, He longs for them, He has compassion for them, but He can’t nourish them as He nourishes His own. There are people in the church whom Christ can’t love fully because they walk their own way, they won’t ask Him for leadership or guidance. They walk in the flesh, not the spirit. They don’t act like they’re His.
Woman, how can your husband nourish and cherish you if you aren’t his? Through God’s grace, he can in part, but not fully. Roberta made it easier for me to give my life for her by belonging to me. Through God’s grace, I’ve given my life to nourishing her; I belong to her as she belongs to me. People know when husband and wife belong to each other; a couple can’t be one flesh without belonging to each other. Couples who walk in the flesh instead of belonging to each other give little if any light to a lost and dying world.
Men, think about this. Lost folks sing, “Stand by your man;” how can your wife stand by you if you aren’t hers? God wants married people to belong to each other and become one flesh in Him (Mt. 19:5-6[246]).
The Bible teaches that women are made for men; Roberta felt a very strong surge of wanting to belong to me after I took her to wife. I know many women who belong to men who won’t belong to them. When a man won’t belong to his wife, it’s nearly impossible for him to believe that she belongs to him; he usually tries to rule her by crushing her. The woman dies inside; you can see death in her eyes.
My wife didn’t tell me her fears for 10 years after becoming mine, but she talked about her decision the next day. She said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me that talking to me would be important to her, so we talked. “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing it for God because He told me to. I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
Whoa. I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it. The next day, I told her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said. God wants me to lead you and take care of you. If I’m to lead you as God wants me to, I’ll have to serve you (Mk. 9:35[247], 10:42-45[248]). You said it well–I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
She had read that women are made for men but she hadn’t expected her heart to want her to lose her independence and belong to me. Being mine was humbling and scary, but she was saved, she knew that she belonged to God and trusted God to take care of her. She chose to humble herself and let God give her to me.
I knew I loved her but I hadn’t realized how much God wanted me to serve her nor did I know that God wanted me to become hers by opening my heart to her. I was saved, I trusted God with my life, it was OK with me for God to tell me to humble myself by belonging to the woman He gave to be my wife. Serving God in the past made it easier for us to humble ourselves, belong to each other, and become “one flesh.” A wife wants her husband to be hers as much as he wants her to be his, but most married people keep their independence and won’t become one. Obeying God by belonging to each other is humbling but it has brought us great joy.
John 10:29 says, “My Father, which gave them me.” Christians are God’s gift to Jesus as a husband is God’s gift to his wife and a wife is God’s gift to her husband. It’s mutual belonging; the Song of Solomon says twice that the husband belongs to his wife and that she belongs to him. Lost people speak of “my husband” and “my wife.” Everybody knows a man should belong to his wife and that she should belong to him.
My wife also belongs to Jesus. She knows that Jesus’ love is not oppressive or demanding, Jesus’ love is for her good. Watching how Jesus nourishes her and cherishes her as God’s gift to Him teaches her how to nourish me and cherish me as God’s gift to her; she cherishes me for my good. God gave women a desire to take care of their husbands, but your wife can’t care for you fully unless you belong to her.
I belong to Jesus. I see Jesus take care of me; I see how He takes care of me for my good. When Roberta became mine, I knew I had to care for her for her good, not for my good. We knew how we should care for each other from watching Jesus care for us, but neither of us can nourish the other fully without His help.
A woman can belong to a man for a while even if he isn’t hers, but unless he belongs to her, he won’t realize that she’s his. It’s difficult for a woman to continue to belong to a man who refuses to belong to her. Some may think I’m less of a man because I belong to a woman, but consider this. I’m hers, so my happiness belongs to Roberta; making me happy makes her happy. Giving herself to me gladly makes me very happy. She gives herself, not grudgingly or of necessity, but cheerfully (II Co. 9:7[249]). Belonging to a wife who’s glad to give herself to me makes me more of a man; seeing my joy in her makes her happy.
God expects me to give my life for her. I earn so much an hour; when she spends that much, she’s spent one hour of my life. I give my life, not grudgingly or of necessity, but cheerfully (II Co. 9:7). Roberta is mine; her happiness belongs to me. Spending money on our house or children makes her happy; her happiness makes me far happier than spending money on me. Your joy lies in making your spouse happy.
You don’t marry to get, you marry to give; it’s just like the Christian walk. We come to church to edify, to build up, to encourage, to minister, we don’t come to church just to get. Coming to church blesses us just as God meant marriage to bless us, of course, but blessing comes more from giving than from getting.
How can you die to yourself and be saved without His help? You can’t. You can’t save yourself without His strength, you have to ask. Can a man and a woman die to themselves and belong to each other in their own strength? You can’t. Roberta couldn’t, she had to ask God’s help, I couldn’t, I had to ask God’s help. But as we ask God to help us belong to each other, God continually reminds us both that we belong to Him. For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again (Mt. 7:2[250]); we reap what we sow. As my wife and I sow forgiveness to each other, God reminds us that He forgives us both. As we nourish and cherish each other, God reminds us that He cherishes and nourishes both of us because we both belong to Him.
Altar Call
It’s time to obey God; I speak to the saved, I speak to God’s people. If you’ve never felt the forgiveness and love of God, you probably aren’t saved; you need to see someone and learn how to be saved. You can’t give what you haven’t got; you can’t pass on God’s forgiveness unless you first have it yourself.
We then, as workers together with him, beseech you also that ye receive not the grace of God in vain. (For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.) II Corinthians 6:1-2
Paul reminded the Corinthians that as we work to build the church, we work together with God, we’re God’s co-workers. He then begged them not to receive God’s grace in vain. If you let God’s grace just sit in you, it’s in vain; you have to pass God’s grace on by forgiving other people. Verse 2 reminds us that God helped us by giving us His grace in our day of salvation; He will help us by giving us His grace in our day of forgiveness, sorrow, trial, or any other need.
I speak to God’s People who haven’t forgiven. Now is the time to forgive. You can’t do it by yourself, I couldn’t, but God can forgive anyone who wronged or offended you as God forgave you. If you channel God’s forgiveness to someone else, you’ll remember how God saved you; if not, bitterness and fear consume you.
If you won’t do it for your own sake, if you won’t forgive to restore the joy in your own salvation, what about your children? You want your children to accept God’s salvation. Accepting God’s offer means believing God forgives them. How can your children believe God forgives them if you won’t forgive?
If you’ve said anything bitter against the pastor, or me, or anyone in the church, your children know you won’t forgive. When God draws your child, Satan whispers, “God won’t forgive you-your parents don’t forgive. What makes you think God would forgive you?” Here’s another of God’s commands:
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
Husbands, wives, what if there's adultery, fornication, or anger in your lives? What if you won't forgive? Your children know. Your children may not know how you've hurt each other, but they know if you won't forgive. Your children know whether you belong to each other. Wife, if you won't forgive your husband enough to call him “lord,” how can your children call God “Lord?”
Husband, if you're bitter against your wife, if you won't forgive her, if you won't honor, praise, or appreciate her, you'll teach your sons to treat women as toys and you'll teach your daughters to let men play with them instead of treating them as treasures. If either of you use your tongue as an evil-speaking sword against the other, you'll likely drive each other to the sins of the flesh, be it adultery in men and gossip and slander in women. Your children will learn to use their tongues as swords; your house will be filled with conflict, and your children will learn to find pleasure in speaking evil one to another.
Let’s stand, we’ll beg for strength to forgive one another. I know it’s hard. If you have to come to the altar to ask God’s help, come, but remember the command, “As Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” Remember, too, that if you refuse to forgive others, God will seem unforgiving to you.
For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again (Mt. 7:2[251]). If you won’t forgive, you won't feel forgiven. God is a forgiving God, God doesn’t do this to you; you do it to yourself, but you also do it to your children. If you don't forgive, if you don't see God as a forgiving God, your children won't believe in His forgiveness either. If you want God to show Himself to you and to your children as a loving, forgiving God, you have to love and forgive. Let’s forgive and rejoice in the joy of our forgiveness!
I know you can’t forgive. I couldn't, Corrie ten Boom couldn't; you can't either. God can forgive through you; God will forgive through you if only you ask. It may take a while. Corrie had preached forgiveness, it was near her heart; God answered her prayer on her second request, He didn’t do it right away. It may take longer for you, but God will do it if you ask in faith because it's His will that you forgive. When He does, you'll feel rivers of living water flow through; it will be like when you first felt the joy of forgiveness in salvation.
If you really want to forgive someone, if you want God’s love and forgiveness to flow through you, if you want God’s living waters to flow out of you, you have to pass it on. Pray that God will give you the strength and humility to tell the other person of your forgiveness so you can enjoy the love and grace of God together.
Chapter 14 - Sunday Evening – Loving Others as God Loves Us
Revelation 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” God knew that Jesus, the Lamb of God, would have to be crucified before the world was created. Jesus knew that Adam would sin and bring sin and death into the world before He created the world. Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough to create us anyway! Long before you or I were born, Jesus chose to die so that His blood could wash away the evil of all my sins, and all your sins, and all the sins everyone else ever committed and lose His close fellowship with His Father. When He was on the cross,
And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Matthew 27:46
My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? Psalm 22:1
Adam walked with God in the Garden of Eden before he sinned. After he sinned, Adam could no longer fellowship with God because he was polluted. In the same way, God could no longer fellowship with His Son Jesus while Jesus was bearing all the sins everyone in the world had ever committed or would commit.
For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him. II Corinthians 5:21
Being separated from His Father as Adam had lost his fellowship with God was much harder on Jesus than the physical pain. Jesus paid the penalty of spiritual death for our sins so we can accept His free offer of forgiveness, be made the righteousness of God in Him, repent of our sins, and get back our fellowship with God. That is God’s Simple plan of Salvation. Salvation is simple, but few find the path:
Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matthew 7:14
How many people whom we tell about Jesus accept salvation? Very few. God knew we would have a hard time with His plan of salvation. We couldn’t follow two different plans, so He made one plan work for both salvation and for marriage.
To be saved, we die to our former lives and are born again into a new life serving God. We no longer belong to ourselves, we choose to belong to God (1 Cor. 6:19[252]). We serve Him gladly because we love Jesus:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
Christians are no longer separated from God by sin, we choose to belong to Him in a way that is like the marriage bond between husband and wife. We choose to become one with Him. In the same way, Jesus said that husband and wife are no longer two separate individuals after they choose to become one:
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
To marry, we die to our former individual lives (Mk. 10:8[253], 1 Cor. 6:16[254], Eph. 5:31[255]) and start a new family (Ps. 68:6a[256]). After salvation, we serve Jesus because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouse should make us want to please him or her. In marriage, we no longer belong to our individual selves, we belong to each other and serve each other gladly because we love each other (Phil. 2:4[257]) just as we serve God because we love Him.
How many people whom you tell accept salvation? How many people do you know who’ve accepted God’s Simple Plan of Marriage and show the joy of marriage in this life? When a couple does that, you will know their love for each other when you see them together. How many wives do you know who like belonging to their husbands? How many husbands do you know who like belonging to their wives? Our God loved us so much that He died to give us a way to go to Heaven to be with Him. He also taught us a way for men and women to give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven by loving and serving each other.
Having God love us and expecting us to love each other is as unique as the empty tomb. Love turned the world upside down (Acts 17:6[258]). Showing God’s love to each other wins the lost! They’ll want to experience God’s love for themselves. That’s how we turn the world upside down.
Finding God by Relating to God
God gave most people a feeling that there is a God and a sense of wondering about God (Rom. 2:15[259]). People are curious about God and want some sort of relationship to God. How many religions are there? Doesn’t each one offer a different way to relate to the supernatural?
In the same way, most men and women are strongly drawn to the opposite sex. Men want to relate to women and women want to relate to men.
God’s plan of salvation tells us how to relate to Him, and He made His plan of salvation work for marriage. God knew that we couldn’t handle two ways to relate. The Bible teaches that the relationship between husband and wife is a picture of the relationship between God and people. Husband and wife relate to each other the same way they relate to God. That relationship is built on God’s love for everyone (Jn. 3:16), but we must choose to believe in Him and return His love in order to belong to Him and go to heaven when we die.
Loving God From Your Heart
The command “love the Lord thy God” is in scripture 14 times, they’re listed on page 110. The first time is:
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
The Bible tells us how to love our God. 5 times, the Bible says, “love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul… (De. 6:5, 30:6, Mt. 22:37, Mk. 12:30, Lk. 10:7)” De. 6:5 adds “and with all thy might.” De. 30:6 doesn’t add anything, it’s just heart and soul. Mt. 22:37 adds “and with all thy mind.” Both Mk. 12:30 and Lk. 10:27 add “and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind.” To summarize, we’re to love God with everything we have: Heart, soul, might, mind, and strength.
The list always starts with “heart.” It’s easier to love God with our minds because we can treat Him as an intellectual matter without involving our feelings or our emotions. We can’t truly love God as He expects without totally involving our hearts, minds, and everything else we have.
Ezekiel told his group of exiles why Jerusalem was about to be destroyed:
Son of man, these men have set up their idols in their heart, and put the stumblingblock of their iniquity before their face: should I be enquired of at all by them? Ezekiel 14:3
Jewish leaders had given their hearts to idols which they valued over God. This was so serious that God no longer heard their prayers for guidance and advice; He would no longer “be enquired of at all by them.” Centuries later, the scribes and Pharisees criticized Jesus’ disciples for not following traditional eating customs:
He [Jesus] answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. 7Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men. Mark 7:6-7
Worship from the heart is vital. The Pharisees lips said they followed God but their worship was vain because their hearts weren’t involved. What will a husband think if his wife’s relationship to him is a pure mental exercise without involving her emotions so that she lives with him without loving him? The Bible tells us how a woman feels if a man doesn’t involve his heart in taking her:
And she [Delilah] said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her (Song 2:16[260])? Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines? She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him. It’s the sports hero and the cheerleader.
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can feed a woman and take care of her material needs but not value her in his heart. It’s far easier to love God or another person with the mind than with the heart, but love as a mental exercise doesn’t do much good. That’s why God always put “heart” first. If we first love Him and our spouses with our hearts, our minds, strength, and might and everything else follow.
It’s important to guard our hearts so that we do not become emotionally involved with anything that can become more important to us than God or more important than our spouse:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
God expects our minds to be diligent, that is, very careful, to rule our emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Christianity is a thinking faith, that’s why “mind” is on the list. Paul spoke of “persuading” men of the truth of the Bible (2 Cor. 5:11a[261]). Once we accept the reality of God on a mixture of thought and faith, we turn our hearts over to Him and the rest follows.
Love Thy God
Think hard about loving “thy God.” Once you choose to accept salvation, God becomes your God and you are a member of His family. In the eyes of God, a wife belongs to her husband and he belongs to her.
Some church people haven’t chosen to belong to God; they aren’t real Christians. We all know “married” people who haven’t chosen to belong to each other. They haven’t become one, they aren’t joined in the way God expects. How many couples do you know who truly belong to each other?
If we don’t open ours hearts to Him, if we don’t desire that He know us, He can’t really be our God. We will be rejected no matter what we say or do to act like we belong to Him if we aren’t truly His:
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. Matthew 7:21-23 *
Love Thine Only God
Once you accept God’s offer of salvation, He is your God. It’s exclusive, you may not worship any other God!
Thou shalt have no other gods before me. 4Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 5Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; 6And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments. Exodus 20:3-6 *
This passage mentions idols, physical images of men, animals, or whatever people worship. Anything that you value more than you value God becomes an idol to you. Some people worship religious leaders. Others worship money, clothes, the flag, or drugs. Anything that you value more than God is an idol to you.
Ezekiel said that the leaders in Jerusalem had idols in their hearts; Jesus said that the Pharisees said they worshipped God but didn’t worship Him in their hearts. They were idol-worshippers.
As with a spouse, you must value all aspects of God, not just the ones you like. Some churches preach the “buddy god” who loves everybody so much that he’d never send anyone to Hell - repentance and turning from sin aren’t needed. A love-only message is empty because it doesn’t define sin or tell people that God hates sin (Ps. 7:11b[262]). How can people ask forgiveness without knowing how God hates their sins (Ro. 3:10-11[263])?
Other churches preach the “bully god” by hammering away on God’s holiness without emphasizing His love. The bully god wrote a bunch of rules in the Bible which the leadership interprets and extends. The bully god watches your every thought, word, and deed so he can whack you with the pastor’s help when you get out of line. No forgiveness for you, miserable miscreant!
Holiness without love is repugnant - it’s too harsh. Sinners don’t want to hear about holiness alone because they don’t want to feel hopelessly bad about themselves. Showing God’s love gives hope and helps sinners accept God’s holiness. Sinners can’t understand why Jesus was willing to die on the cross unless they’re taught to cling to His love.
Without knowing God’s love, people can’t feel confident of His care for us (1 Pe. 5:7[264]) or of His promise never to leave us (He. 13:5[265]). Jesus love for us keeps us following Him because we want Him to be pleased with us (2 Cor. 5:14-15[266]). We follow His holiness because we love Him. You can’t do one without the other.
Similarly, your spouse comes as a complete package – you must appreciate and value all characteristics.
Love Thine Only Man or Woman
Marriage is exclusive. God expects a man to “possess his vessel,” that is, his wife, in sanctification:
That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; I Thessalonians 4:4
“Sanctification” means to be set apart. A man must set his wife apart from all other women by marrying her before taking her. He must focus his desires on her and her alone (Song 6:9a[267]).
Worship is exclusive to God; we worship Him and Him alone. What is exclusive to marriage? Sex. God commands that men and women join physically only in marriage.
Sex defines marriage. A woman may guide a man’s house without marriage, we have housemaids. It’s OK to help raise a man’s children without marrying him; we have women nannies and teachers. A woman can feed a man without marriage, we have cooks. She can work with or for a man. A man and woman may do many things together without being married, but there’s one thing God says they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex. Sex defines marriage; Isaac and Rebecca were married the moment he took her to wife but not before. Promising to marry didn’t marry them; they were married when he took her to wife:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
Christians worship only the Lord our God and Christians have sex only within marriage. Christians must be careful not to value anyone or anything more than we value God. We can love people to whom we aren’t married, but unmarried love is different and the way we talk outside marriage is different. The Bible tells Christian men how to talk to people when they aren’t married:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
Men have to be careful not to let talk slide toward the emotional and physical connections God reserves for marriage. Women must stop talking to a man who’s heading toward violating her emotional or physical purity. It’s OK for men and women to talk as long as they talk as persons and not as men and women.
It’s easy to tell when a conversation that begins person to person strays toward man-woman. This is wrong if either party is married. If they’re both single, the woman must decide whether she might want to marry him and insist that he agree that the goal of being together is to decide whether he and she will marry.
There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage. Some cultures assume that it is not possible for a man and woman to talk without impurity. Men and women are able to converse as people by avoiding man-woman thoughts or emotions. The only person in the world whose gender should matter to you is your spouse.
Man-woman talk is dangerous in work situations. You must please the boss to keep a job. It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much. This can easily lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with talk that does not meet God’s standards of purity.
God warns that men shouldn’t get physical with women outside marriage even if they don’t have sex:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
The Greek word translated “touch” includes arousing passion or starting a fire. Would a man take his mother’s arm in a slippery place to keep her from falling or help his sister put on her coat? Of course. Would he try to get his mother or sister sexually aroused? Of course not.
Anything or anyone which a Christian loves or follows more than God is an idol and God thinks of this as idolatry, or spiritual adultery. If a husband allows his love for anything – job, hobby, sports, hunting – to be stronger than his love for his wife, she thinks he’s committing emotional adultery.
Difficulties with Loving
Some people have trouble letting themselves love others. Some are afraid that if they love God enough to be willing to do whatever God tells them to do, God may send them where they don’t want to go. A man may try to block his emotions for fear that a woman might hurt him. Jesus faced that problem after He told His disciples to start spreading the Gospel:
Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: John 20:21-22
Even though Peter had been given the Holy Spirit, Peter went fishing instead of spreading the Gospel as Jesus had commanded. Having created Peter, Jesus knew that men can be afraid to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt. Peter’s fear of hurt blocked him from acknowledging his love (1 Jn. 4:18[268]).
Peter saw Jesus weep at Lazarus' tomb (Jn. 11:35[269]) and mourn for Jerusalem (Mt. 23:37[270]) and Capernaum (Mt. 11:23[271], Luk. 10:15[272]). If Peter let God send him as God had sent Jesus, he’d be hurt when people he loved didn’t accept the Gospel. He wanted none of Jesus’ sorrow or grief (Is. 53:3-4[273]).
Jesus forced Peter to admit that Peter loved Jesus. That didn't make Peter love Jesus - he already did – but Peter didn’t recognize his love for Jesus until Jesus brought it to his attention. Men aren’t always in touch with their emotions, it never occurred to Boaz to marry Ruth, but when she asked, he thought it was such a good idea he ran out the next morning and married her (Ru. 3:18[274], 4:1-11). The Bible teaches short engagements.
Once Peter admitted to himself that he loved Jesus, his love for Christ drove Peter to spread the word! That’s why Jesus wants us to accept His love for us and our love for Him. God expects a man’s love for his wife to drive him to serve her and take care of her and vice versa.
Building love takes time and effort. We express our love for God through prayer, valuing His Word, and letting the Holy Spirit lead us to do the good works that God expects of us (Titus 2:14[275], 3:8[276]). Families build their love for each other through open-hearted conversation and cheerful service.
Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
God isn’t the only one who loves a cheerful giver. Cheerful service leads family members to nourish and cherish each other and other church members:
And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
“Love one another” is in the New Testament 12 times. “Good works,” the result of loving one another (Jam. 2:14-26), appears 16 times! If a Christian doesn’t love his wife or other church members, if he doesn’t take care of others (1 Cor. 10:24[277], Phil. 2:4[278]), if he won’t belong to his wife, does he really belong to God?
Love in Marriage and Love of God
The Bible compares marriage bonds with the bond between God and His people. Worship is unique to God; we worship the One True God and only the One True God. Sex and married love are unique to marriage, a husband and wife must not have sex with anyone else and must never let their emotions become involved in the same way with anyone else.
We love God fervently. We love our spouses and we love other Christians, but love between husband and wife is different in intensity and depth from their love for anyone else. This analogy is used in the New Testament to describe the relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church:
For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ. II Corinthians 11:2
Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honor to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. Revelation 19:7
Old Testament prophets used sexual terms describing love between husband and wife to express the relationship of God with his people. Ezekiel chapters 16 and 23 and Hosea chapter 2 compared God’s people being unfaithful by worshiping idols with a wife or husband betraying a spouse by committing adultery.
Jerusalem was worshipping other gods; harlots sell sexual favors instead of giving freely to husbands:
How is the faithful city become an harlot! it was full of judgment; righteousness lodged in it; but now murderers. Isaiah 1:21
“Espousal” means committing to marry. God’s people repeatedly promised to obey God and be His people while they were in the wilderness, but had broken their engagement to God.
Go and cry in the ears of Jerusalem, saying, Thus saith the LORD; I remember thee, the kindness of thy youth, the love of thine espousals, when thou wentest after me in the wilderness, in a land that was not sown. Jeremiah 2:2
Jeremiah listed sins which caused the northern kingdom to be carried into captivity and pointed out that the people of Judah did the same sins. God is distressed when His people value anyone or anything more than they value Him. Married people are distressed when a spouse is romantically tied to someone else.
The LORD said also unto me in the days of Josiah the king, Hast thou seen that which backsliding Israel hath done? she is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot. 7And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it. 8And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also. 9And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks. 10And yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah hath not turned unto me with her whole heart, but feignedly, saith the LORD. 11And the LORD said unto me, The backsliding Israel hath justified herself more than treacherous Judah. 12Go and proclaim these words toward the north, and say, Return, thou backsliding Israel, saith the LORD; and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful, saith the LORD, and I will not keep anger for ever. Jeremiah 3:6-12
The Song of Solomon Shows How Marriage Works
Scholars debate whether the Song of Songs is literal or spiritual. That’s an empty argument because the Bible repeatedly uses marriage to illustrate God’s relationship to His people and uses God’s relationship to His people to describe marriage (Is. 1:21, Jer. 2:2, 3:6–12, Eze. 16, 23, Hos. 2). The Song cannot describe God's permanent, loving, joyful, and exclusive relationship with His people without also describing the pattern for a permanent, loving, joyful, and exclusive human marriage. It is both literal and spiritual.
1) The Song begins with the wife praising her husband (Song 1:2). Men don't seem to understand women very well; maybe having a wife praise her husband teaches him how to praise her in a way that she appreciates? Could praising her husband make a wife less likely to focus on what she doesn’t like? Feeling appreciated by his wife does make a man want to take care of her and appreciate her.
2) There is no criticism at all in the Song, only praise in mind-numbing detail. The man and wife are constantly looking for little things about each other to praise and appreciate. Their praise sounds odd to us, but you can re-word it to make sense for you. The lesson is that married people need constant praise, support, and affirmation from each other in detail. Praising God takes our minds off our problems; praising your spouse helps you forget day-to-day annoyances.
3) The husband is totally involved with his wife. He tells everyone that she's uniquely perfect:
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song 6:9
He's so focused on her that he doesn't see other women as women, only as people.
4) The wife has the security of knowing that her husband belongs to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
How should a man behave to convince his wife that he belongs to her? By opening his heart to her.
5) The wife recognizes and encourages her husband's desire for her:
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
As Ruth accepted Naomi’s advice how to get married (Ru. 3:18[279]), this wife followed her mother’s advice how to stay married (Song 8:2[280]). Her mother points out that she has far more sexual capacity than her husband does; she can drain off all the sexual energy God gives him. This convinces him that she belongs to him and makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he'll be tempted by other women and they might both be burned (Pr. 5:20[281], 6:27[282]).
The entire Song deals with our human need to be appreciated. A man can't praise his wife in such detail without paying close attention to her. Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.
How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and always looked for things to appreciate instead? That is the essence of the Song.
God Gave Us One Love-Based Way to Relate
We relate to God and to other people in the same way. Our relationship to God is exclusive – we worship only the One True God. Marriage is exclusive – husband and wife have sex only with each other and reserve their mating emotions for each other.
We love God and follow His commandments to please him. Husband and wife love each other and serve each other to please each other out of love. Our Christian walk is based on love for God, spouse, family, church members, and everyone else besides. Love for God comes first, then love for spouse and family.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10:37
Although we love other people, men and women must be careful to keep their love for others pure.
God’s rules are very simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is as simple as salvation, its two words, “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him, that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what he hasn’t given.
When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior. We are commanded to follow after God, so when you look on your spouse, you should see the purity and perfection of His son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.
God expects bride and groom to approach into matrimony with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God, and with each other.
God gave us one plan for both salvation and marriage, and He gave us one love-based way to relate to Him to our spouses and to our fellow church members. We praise God in the same way we praise our spouses; we give ourselves to our spouses in the same way we give ourselves to God. Showing and spreading the love of God is how we turn the world upside down.
It really is that simple.
Questions or Comments
Love the Lord Thy God
God’s command “love the Lord thy God” is in scripture 14 times! This shows the logic of God’s plan for us. Choosing to love Him as He commands helps us serve Him better. It’s obvious that couples who strive to love each other as they love God will give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
Paul prayed “that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment (Phil 1:9).” Pray that God will make your love abound for Him, your family, your church, and the lost. People who see your joy in loving each other and loving them will want God’s love for themselves! Any group or society based on loving God and each other as He commands will bring joy to everyone who joins together in loving God.
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway. Deuteronomy 11:1
And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul, 14That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil. Deuteronomy 11:13-14
For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him; Deuteronomy 11:22
Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 13:3
If thou shalt keep all these commandments to do them, which I command thee this day, to love the LORD thy God, and to walk ever in his ways; then shalt thou add three cities more for thee, beside these three: Deuteronomy 19:9
And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
In that I command thee this day to love the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest live and multiply: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in the land whither thou goest to possess it. Deuteronomy 30:16
That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them. Deuteronomy 30:20
But take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul. Joshua 22:5
Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the LORD your God. Joshua 23:11
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. Matthew 22:37
And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
Loving God with your soul is mentioned 8 times, mind 3 times, strength twice, might once, and so on. We choose in our minds to give more than just our hearts and love God with everything we have! This is a deliberate, practical choice. Deciding to love in this way binds us together with God and with each other.
Chapter 15 - Why God Made Men and Women Think So Differently
God made males and females different to help us be fruitful and multiply. Instead of trusting that a good God knew what He was doing when He created us, many men and women complain that God made their spouses wrong. Women complain that men are too possessive, too controlling, and can’t find anything in a refrigerator. Men complain that women are too emotional and talk too much.
God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her (1 Pe. 3:7). Very few women or men can explain how they think. For her, the top refrigerator shelf is the first, the one below that the second, while I number them from the bottom up like floors in a building. What a disconnect!
This chapter discusses how male and female brains work to help couples share the ways they think.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 28And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, Genesis 1:27-28a
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou [Adam] eat bread, Genesis 3:19a
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, Genesis 24:67a
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, I Timothy 5:14a
God told Adam to live by the sweat of his face without mentioning Eve. Isaac supplied the tent where his wife would live. A husband provides food, clothing and shelter for his wife who guides their house. God created women to help their husbands (Gen. 2:18, 20[283]). The Bible values multiple sources of advice:
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14
A wife often knows things her husband doesn’t, particularly about children. It’s foolish for a man to ignore his wife’s knowledge and counsel when making decisions. Even if her ideas aren’t always practical, her ideas may stimulate his thoughts and help make better decisions. In our decades of deciding, it’s been rare that the first idea from either of us stands the test of the other’s knowledge. It can take hours of discussion to get all the facts, but the decision is usually obvious once everyone’s concerns are understood.
The benefits of knowledge sharing are great. That’s one of the ways God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11[284]) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24[285]).
God designed men and women to think differently. I saw my mother’s mind work when a baby cried in the next apartment. The hormones of pregnancy make a mother sensitive to a baby's cry[286]. My mother couldn’t stand the baby’s distress. She knocked, said, “Can I help you,” and picked up the baby.
Hormones on a woman's skin affect a baby's brain[287]. The mother's hormones of fear made her baby afraid. My mother’s calmer hormones made the baby stop crying from fear and start crying about what was wrong. Mom showed the mother how to fix it. God designed women’s hearing to be sensitive to baby noises but it takes teaching and experience for a mother to learn how to deal with the sounds of her baby.
How Women Think
When men complain that women think emotionally, women feel that men believe that women don’t think at all. This makes them unhappy and unwilling to try to explain how they think, which lowers decision quality.
Dismissing women’s thoughts goes back to the Greek philosophers who gave us forward and backward chaining which doctors use. The doctor collects facts – blood pressure, temperature, weight, height, and your history. You describe your symptoms. The doctor “forward chains” from the facts and guesses what’s wrong.
Suppose the doctor thinks you have pellagra. If that’s true, you’ll have other symptoms. The doctor “backward chains” from the guess and orders tests to see if you have the expected symptoms. “We need more tests” means that the guess was wrong, backward chaining failed, but they now have more facts. They’ve forward chained to another guess for which backward chaining needs more facts. It is easy to explain conclusions found through forward and backward chaining.
Greeks also gave us Aristotelian logic - if A is true, not A is false. When Rome conquered Greece, they learned geometry and logic. They couldn’t have built roads or bridges without these intellectual tools.
These ways of thinking are so useful that men tend to believe that their way is the only way to think. When the Greek philosophers came down from their lofty discussions of logic, they found that the women whom they’d left guiding the house didn’t think that way. Instead of seeing that there was another way to think, they assumed that women didn’t think at all. Modern men are no better at valuing women’s thoughts.
Women think holistically, which means “involving or emphasizing the whole.” Everything in the house and everyone she knows is connected to everything else like a multidimensional picture in her mind. This helps a woman find things anywhere in the house and makes it easier for her to fit each new baby into the family.
Each woman has her own way of seeing her kitchen so it is very hard for a woman to operate in another woman’s territory. Gen. 31:33-34 tells how Laban searched separate tents for each of Jacob’s four wives. The women were able to share a husband, but couldn’t share a kitchen or sleeping space.
My mother’s mother came to help her for a week when I was born, and my dad’s mother for a week. My mother was so upset at my dad’s mother rearranging her kitchen that she told me 15 years later. She told my wife about it shortly after we were married and promised that she’d never do that to her.
My wife once saw a group of kids running. “That child’s hurt!” she exclaimed even though we were too far away to identify them. One child had a sprained ankle and been given crutches but didn’t want to use them. The way that child ran disturbed my wife. Being able to see or hear one wrong note in a complex situation helps raise children – a choking baby needs help now no matter what else the mother is doing.
This Smithsonian article describes motherhood “as an unseen and poorly understood cellular-level revolution that rebuilds the female brain.”[288] A high-level executive was amazed to find herself watching her newborn wave and kick for hours on end. Her brain was learning her baby’s normal movements so that if her child was hurt, she would immediately see that something was wrong and take care of it.
A holistic situational sense can protect women from bigger, stronger men. Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” describes many women who’d been robbed or raped. They said they felt uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking. His book said to pay attention when we feel something’s wrong and discusses ways to tell which fears are real and which are not. Judges 16:18 teaches that a woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks. Many won’t look because they’re afraid they might see something negative….
It can be Hard to Explain
My wife’s father respected her thoughts as given of God to fulfill God’s instructions to marry and have children, but he insisted that she try as hard as she could to explain her feelings. That helped me as I learned how to care for her. She told me many things about herself and her thoughts which were so helpful to our marriage that we wrote them down for our granddaughter on page 69.
Even with decades of practice, it can be hard for her to explain. A friend was in the hospital for heart surgery. His washing machine failed. My wife offered to do his wife’s laundry and bought 2 laundry carriers. When I asked why she hadn’t put the clothes in a trash bag, she said she hadn’t thought of it.
I knew that wasn’t the reason but she couldn’t explain. The next day she told me her friend folded dirty laundry in the pile waiting to be washed and would be unhappy if clean clothes came back jumbled in a bag. With her husband in the hospital, my wife didn’t want to add to her stress. She knew this without knowing how she knew until she figured it out the next day. As Prof. Chomsky said, “Experts don’t think – they know!”
When researchers used computers for Artificial Intelligence (AI), they began with forward and backward chaining. This gave us “expert systems” whose conclusions could be explained. As AI advanced to “deep learning,” computers reach conclusions we can’t understand. “Can we let algorithm take decisions we cannot explain?[289]” points out that unexplained decisions make people nervous, just as men get nervous when a woman reaches a strongly-held conclusion she can’t explain and which makes no sense to them.
How God Did This
Research shows that men and women have different verbal[290] and spatial reasoning[291] skills. God gave male and female brains the same basic structure and the same brain cells but the connections are different.
“Men's and Women's Brains Are Wired Differently, but What Does It Mean?[292]”
The brain is split into two halves, called hemispheres. Verma’s study found that men have more connections within each hemisphere of the cerebrum, linking the regions for planning and decision-making with the regions for sight and speech.
Women, on the other hand, have more connections between each hemisphere, allowing the two halves of the brain to share information more easily. In the cerebellum, the brain’s physics and motion calculator, the opposite was true—men had more connections between the two hemispheres, and women had more connections within each hemisphere.
The study found minimal gender differences in children under the age of 13, but the differences were much more distinct by age 17. Many brain wiring changes occur during puberty, and men and women seem to develop differently. [emphasis added]
“Brain Facts To Know And Share: Men Have A Lower Percentage Of Gray Matter Than Women[293]”
Did you know women have a higher percentage of gray matter than men? And, not only do men have more white matter, percentage-wise, they also have more cerebrospinal fluid.
According to the researchers, the “results suggest that male brains are structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action, whereas female brains are designed to facilitate communication between analytical and intuitive processing modes.” [emphasis added]
“Intuitive processing modes” may be what helps women find things in the refrigerator better than men can. A woman married without seeing her husband’s house. “The living room was full of tires,” she said. A man keeps tires in the living room so he can find them. “It took a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went slowly and carefully instead of just taking over his house. As he learned to trust her to find socks, underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Our brain cells connect into “neural clusters” which store memories, hear sounds, process images the eyes see, and do many other things to keep us alive. The way brain cells connect determines how the brain operates. Hormones carried in the blood to the brain also affect thinking. The adrenalin rush to the brain in times of fear can bring tunnel vision to focus on the threat and help you see more clearly[294]. A woman’s hormones change during pregnancy and during her monthly cycle; this also affects her brain.
“Hormonal Influences on Cognitive Function[295]”
Hormones are the chemical regulators of the human body and function critically to maintain various processes, such as growth, emotions and even cognition. Numerous studies have examined the relationship between hormonal effects and cognitive function; these studies have investigated different factors, such as aging, pregnancy, post-natal states, emotions and stress. Different types of hormones produce different outcomes for the human body and mind.
… sexual hormones … are commonly associated with cognitive function …
“Menstruation And The Female Brain: How Fluctuating Hormone Levels Impact Cognitive Function”[296]
Days before your period you may feel as if you’re walking around in a mental fog. During premenstrual syndrome (PMS), hormones begin to fluctuate and alter the levels of brain chemicals that keep you balanced and alert, but what exactly happens to the brain during your period?
Usually, after the first few days, there will be a surge of estrogen levels that will stimulate the release of endorphins that eliminate the mental change or hormonal cloud present during PMS.
“Estrogen levels are closely linked with women’s emotional well-being as estrogen affects parts of the brain that control emotions,” Dr. Ben Michaelis, a clinical psychologist in New York City and author of “Your Next Big Thing,” told Medical Daily.
The rise in estrogen levels during the menstrual cycle deters women from impulsive decision-making. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Neuroscience found greater increases in estrogen levels across the menstrual cycle compared to impulsive behavior during the beginning of menstruation when estrogen levels are low.
When God made us male and female, He structured our brains as differently as our muscles.[297] These differences help husbands and wives fulfill the different roles God gave us in forming families. A woman’s holistic thinking treats the family, house, and children as one complicated picture where she can quickly see anything that’s going wrong and helps her find items in the refrigerator. This helps her keep her babies alive, but makes her easy to interrupt. A man is harder to interrupt. He focuses strongly as he must get his seeds planted at the right time, he must complete the harvest at the right time, or he must focus on a game trail to make sure he can shoot any edible animal that comes along.
God gets servants when the servants He has bear children and raise them to serve Him. The differences in the way we think makes women better mothers than men are and helps improve decision quality in the home if husbands take advantage of the diverse thought processes God built into wives.
Psalm 68:6 explains that God loved us enough to put solitary people in families. If you don’t see how something about your spouse’s basic nature blesses you and your family, that’s your problem, not God’s. Pray to ask Him for wisdom to see why your spouse blesses you – that’s a promise He will fulfill (Jas. 1:5[298]).
Chapter 16 - Ruth’s Rules for Finding Rest in Marriage
God made both salvation and marriage. If you try to get to Heaven your own way instead of God’s way, you go to Hell when you die. If you try your own way of marriage instead of God’s way, you can make life Hell on earth. Our culture has become so confused about marriage that we must review God’s definition:
And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:4-6
In God’s eyes, marriage is one man and one woman serving each other until one of them dies (Ro. 7:1-3).
Titus 2:4-5[299] teaches older women to teach younger women about husbands and children. The Book of Ruth shows how Naomi helped Ruth get married; the wife’s mother in the Song taught her daughter how to stay married. A woman should seek to learn from a godly grandmother who hasn’t been divorced.
Song 2:16 says, “My beloved is mine, and I am his,” Song 6:3 says “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.” God expects men and women to die to themselves, to give up their independence, belong to each other, and be no more twain, but one flesh (Mt. 19:6[300], Mk. 10:8[301]) just as they were one flesh before God separated Eve out of Adam’s body (Gen. 2:21-22[302]). It’s hard to give up your wants in favor of someone else and belong to your spouse, but that’s what God expects of us (Song 2:16[303], 6:3[304], 7:10[305]).
A man expects that marriage means he can have his wife whenever he’s able to take her, a woman expects that marriage means that he’ll open his heart to her whenever she’s able to talk. God created women because it’s not good for men to be alone (Gen. 2:18[306]). God had many reasons for giving women a drive to talk, but one reason was that a woman will keep her man from being alone by talking to him.
It’s hard for a woman to please her husband unless he talks to her enough for her to know what he wants. A woman feels defrauded if her husband won’t open his heart to her when she wants to talk – it slices her heart like a knife. She feels as defrauded as her husband feels if she won’t open herself to him whenever he wants her (I Cor. 7:3-5[307]). A woman can’t decide when her husband needs her and he can’t decide when she needs him. Both parties must sacrifice to serve the other. Did you marry to get, or did you marry to give?
It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there. It’s equally simple to have a good marriage – die to yourself one day at a time, repeat until you die.
A man may talk during courtship, but once he’s married, he believes it’s a done deal and he doesn’t have to talk any more. The Bible says 4 times that giving herself to a man humbles a woman (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11). The emotional cost of opening herself is so high that she finds it hard to give herself as often as he wants unless she’s convinced that he belongs to her and that he likes belonging to her.
The Sacrificial Cost of a Husband
Ladies, having a man in your life is a lot of work and sacrifice. Many marriages break down when the woman finds out how much her husband costs after they’re married, decides he isn’t worth that, and walks out.
You won’t find rest in marriage to a man who won’t let himself belong to you. This makes your burden harder to bear. A good husband belongs to you. If a man belongs to you, if he nourishes and values you as God’s gift to him, you’ll find rest in belonging to him and you won’t mind the cost of belonging to him.
I Corinthians 7:28 says, “if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh:” The Bible warns that having a man in your life with all that involves brings trouble. Marriage is so much trouble that the Bible says not to marry unless you must:
I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:8-9
The Bible says it’s good for women not to marry and that it’s not good for men to be alone. Is marriage harder on women than on men? God meant marriage to bless men and women, but we must do it His way.
God Teaches Women How To Marry
Ruth was a widow and knew what a husband would cost; she knew she wanted to marry. A woman should marry only if she wants to belong to one specific man badly enough to cover his costs. If he isn’t worth it, don’t marry. Ruth’s story shows salvation, but it’s also a handbook how to get married, if you want to.
There’s no book telling men how to get married, in fact, I Corinthians 7:27 tells men not to look for wives. Proverbs 14:1 warns, “a wise woman buildeth her house.” The Bible says nothing about men building houses; older women will tell you that men simply can’t build houses. It’s the woman’s job to build her house because her husband can’t; and she lays the foundation before marriage.
There are many different marriages, but successful marriages follow the same rules given in the book of Ruth. It shows how Ruth set a firm foundation for her house before Boaz took her to wife. Maybe 80% of success or failure in marriage is determined by what goes before, and 90% of that is how the woman conducts herself. Proverbs 31 teaches that a virtuous woman is beyond price. A woman sets her price by what she does. If a man can have her for the price of a few dinners, she isn’t worth much. If he can have her without marriage, what would marrying give him that he doesn’t already have?
Before dating, ask him to agree that the purpose of being together is to determine whether he and she will marry, his life for her life. “A wise woman buildeth her house,” starting before marriage. Today’s women won’t do exactly as Ruth did because cultures are different, but God’s principles don’t change. Few young people are taught how to get married; you can save people a lot of grief by helping them avoid divorce.
The Reality of Marriage
Building successful marriages starts with knowing what marriage is. The Bible explains in one verse, page 111:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67
The man pays the bills, they vow, he takes her to wife, he loves her, and she comforts him. A husband houses and supports his wife and their children. Comforting a husband takes a lot of emotional energy; a husband must convince his wife daily that he loves her to give her enough emotional energy to comfort him.
Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. I Corinthians 10:31
Doing all to the Glory of God builds a successful marriage. You were created for the glory of God and your spouse was created for the glory of God. You’ll have to ask yourself, “Will doing this help us glorify God, or will it hinder?” Can you ask yourself that? Can you do all things to help your spouse glorify God?
That’s the main cost of marriage—becoming one with your spouse as God expects means that you give up your desires, wants, and needs in favor of your new family. It’s humbling to belong to your husband. You have to humble yourself to accept salvation; you must humble yourself in marriage. Can you die to your wants and do all things to help your husband glorify God? Do you want one particular man that badly?
Background of the Book of Ruth
Many sermons call Boaz the “kinsman redeemer.” Some describe him as a type of Christ who redeemed Ruth, who was not of God’s people, into the body of believers. Boaz had nothing to do with Ruth joining God’s people. Ruth chose to follow God when Naomi told her to return to her family to find a husband:
And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Ruth 1:16
For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. Romans 10:10
This wasn’t “easy believism.” Ruth didn’t just talk the talk of belonging to God; she walked the walk from Moab to Israel. Boaz wasn’t involved in her salvation or redemption; she chose to follow God.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23
Boaz is in the family line that led to Christ (Mt. 1:5[308]), but we know little about most of them. God put details of Boaz’s life into the Bible because he married a woman virtuous enough not only to choose to belong to God but also to be drawn into the family line that led to Jesus Christ.
Casting Boaz as Ruth’s redeemer makes him the main character, but it’s the Book of Ruth, not the Book of Boaz. With Ruth as main character, it reads as a romance novel - poverty stricken widow goes to a strange land to draw nigh to God (Jam. 4:8a[309]), works hard, doesn’t date around, marries a rich guy, becomes the great-grandmother of King David, and is in the genealogy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Boaz’s mother Rahab (Mt. 1:5) was another foreign woman who believed in God (Jos. 2:8-13) and married into the line of Christ. God accepts all who call on Him, but they must choose to call for themselves:
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. Hebrews 11:6
Naomi’s advice to Ruth how to get married takes up a major part of the book whereas the mother’s advice to her daughter how to stay married takes only one verse (Song 8:3[310]).
Naomi gave the woman’s view of marriage as she told her daughters to go back to their families:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery. Wives depend on husbands for food in a muscle-powered society with no “safety net.” Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that their husbands valued and appreciated them as taught in the Song. Many women experience this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can pay a woman’s expenses without giving his heart to her. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7[311]) - Naomi wanted her daughters to find appreciative husbands who liked nourishing and cherishing them.
Experience shows that 80-90% of how a marriage works depends on how a man treats his wife, but 80% of that depends on how she sets her value by her conduct before marriage (Pr. 31:10[312]). A man who thinks he might want to marry a good woman should learn how Boaz honored Ruth so that she wanted to marry him. A woman who wants to marry should consider Ruth’s Rules for marriage:
Rule # 1 – Prepare to Glorify God with Your Husband
Ladies, the main question in deciding whether to let a man take you to wife is does he help you glorify God? The foundation for glorifying God with your husband is glorifying God yourself before you meet him.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Did Ruth seek first the kingdom of God? Naomi moved to Moab with her husband and sons, the sons married, the men died leaving three widows. As Naomi started back to Palestine, she tried to send her daughters back to their families where they’d find husbands, but Ruth wanted Naomi’s God:
And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Ruth’s parents would find her a husband, but nobody in her hometown believed in God. Ruth had been told she wouldn’t find a husband if she stayed with Naomi, but Ruth knew it was better to have God without a husband than to have a husband without God. Young ladies, do you believe that? Ruth could have said, “I prayed the prayer, I’m saved, I’ll let my parents find me a husband.” She said, “thy God my God” instead.
Ruth swore allegiance to Naomi’s country, to Naomi’s home, to Naomi’s people, and to Naomi’s God. Ruth summed up what marriage vows mean to your husband as she sought the kingdom of God. In this day of women’s liberation and political correctness, you may not realize what your man believes you’re promising him. It doesn’t matter what marriage vows you write. You need to know what he thinks you’re promising him.
Let’s take it one promise at a time. Ruth said, “whither thou goest, I will go,” your husband expects that you’ll go wherever he goes. How many women wanted to spend six dusty months in a bumpy covered wagon getting to Oregon? Very few, read their diaries. They didn’t want to go, but they went with their men. Ruth said, “where thou lodgest, I will lodge,” your husband expects that you’ll live wherever he puts you.
Call Him Lord
In addition to going wherever he goes and living where he puts you, your husband expects you to call him “sir” as Sarah called Abraham “lord” (I Pe. 3:6[313]). You’ll know your husband’s faults. The only way you can call him “lord” from your heart and reverence him the way the Bible commands (Eph. 5:33[314]) is to treat him as if he were perfect, as God treats you as perfect once you accept His offer of salvation (Heb. 10:17[315]).
If a man belongs to you lovingly and cheerfully, his love and grace bless you. If you submit to your husband lovingly and belong to him cheerfully, your love and grace bless him. This helps you bless others.
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
God gave us His grace. If we’re good stewards of His grace, we’ll share His grace and pass it on! This is powerful testimony. As lost people see you offer your husband the same grace God gave you, as they see him nourish and cherish you by offering you the grace God gave him, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.
On a day-to-day basis, reverencing your husband means you’re the tail on his kite, you hold steady as he soars. Look at couples in cars. Who’s driving? It’s almost always the man. He goes where he wants, the woman’s along for the ride, even if it’s her car. If he wants to stop and do something, he stops and does it. If she wants to stop, she has to ask permission and doesn’t always get it. You can also read stories that men read such as anything by Louis L’Amour. Have you read “Flint,” or “Warrior’s Path?”
Ever see a John Wayne movie? He’s the hero. A crisis comes, his woman views with alarm, the hero says, “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” He runs off and does it while she worries.
Some sayings have a secret half. Everybody knows, “If you can walk away, it’s a good landing,” from the early days when crashes were common. Few know, “And if you can re-use the plane, it’s a great landing.” There’s another part to “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do” which is so obvious that men don’t tell you. The complete phrase is, “I gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and you’re gonna clean up the mess.” It’s worse than that, when your man’s done doing what a man’s gotta do, he’s tired, so he takes a nap. You gotta clean up the mess, and do it quietly so you don’t wake him. Does this sound familiar?
Make Your Home His Home
You also have to make your home his home. I’ve a friend who married just after graduation from college; she’d never seen her husband’s house. “He carried me over the threshold,” she told me, “and the living room was full of tires.” He had 8 tires, 4 for each vehicle. Any grandmother can tell you a man keeps tires in the living room so he can find them when he needs them. “It took me a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and another two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went carefully and slowly instead of just taking over his house. As he came to trust that she could find his socks, his underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Picture this - you’ve been married a month and you’ve got your apartment looking just right. After supper, your husband tells you he’s going to drive his motorcycle up 3 flights into your living room so he can rebuild the transmission. You now do either the right thing or the wrong thing. You can say, “Over my dead body,” but if you say that, what do you say when he drives his motorcycle into your living room and starts working on the transmission? It’s hard to get men to talk at all, its bad tactics to say anything that shuts off discussion. At least he warned you, that’s better than average.
There’s only one right answer. You say, “Lets get a tarp and roll up the edges so your parts won’t get lost.” You needn’t mention that the tarp makes it easier for you to clean up the mess. At the store, you ask, “Are you going to clean your parts? Let’s get some disposable roasting pans.” That way you’re helping, you’re on his side, you’re part of the solution, and over time, he’ll learn to trust you.
This is more important than you know. Women build relationships through talk, men build relationships through shared experiences. Men tell stories to teach, that’s not how they relate. Men who were shot at 70 years ago get together to talk about it. They tell the stories over and over, but no matter how often a young man listens, he can’t join the group because he wasn’t there, it didn’t happen to him. If you want to relate to your man, you’ll have to share experiences with him. This gives you something to talk about. Fixing his motorcycle together in your living room is a shared experience that builds your relationship with him.
The Bible says of a virtuous woman, “She will do him good and not evil” (Pro 31:12).
Ladies, there’re two ways to get a man to do what you want. You can be “a continual dripping,” you can nag or rain on his parade enough, and you’ll get what you want. Samson told Delilah the secret of his strength because, “She pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death.” (Judges 16:16). That’s a way to deal with a man, or you can be like the virtuous woman,
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
Why shouldn’t he fill the house with motorcycles, you want to fill the house with diapers and baby toys, what’s the difference? A man thinks of home as a place to keep a woman. If you don’t convince him it’s his home, if you don’t make it the place he wants to be, he’ll find reasons to go other places. A man can work harder or go out with the boys instead of hanging around you, and you don’t want to be left all alone.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
This man is so eager to be home that he’s skipping! Is he rushing home to admire the curtains or to see neat stacks of towels in the linen closet? That’s not it. Ask an older woman why he comes home eagerly!
Belong to Him
Think about it. If he must work on his cycle, wouldn’t you rather he did it where you could help him and bond with him? Even with disposable roasting pans, it’s easier for you to wash the grease off his parts for him than for you to clean the bathtub or sink after he washes the parts. If you wash his parts, you not only help him, your husband will be known in the gates (Pr. 31:23[316]). His friends say, “Your bike’s back on the road,” and he says, “My wife cleaned the chain!” That’s so unusual he’ll have to talk about it and amaze his friends.
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
Using a sword on a man drives him away. If you’re health to him it won’t take him long to see that you’re lots better than riding a motorcycle and he’ll choose to stay with you. Win him with words of health.
Be realistic. If a young wife eagerly helps her husband fix his motorbike in a crowded living room, washes his parts, hands him tools, looks over his shoulder, and really cares what he’s doing, how long will he work on the bike? How long before he gets distracted and finds something better to do? Fifteen minutes? Five?
Ladies, cleaning up after a man does what a man’s gotta do and being the tail on his kite are maybe 1/5 of the burden of having a husband. Older women should teach younger women how to love their husbands, love their children, and to guide their houses, that’s the rest of the yoke of being married. You must know what a man costs so you can decide whether belonging to a particular man will be worth what he costs. It’s difficult to glorify God with your husband and about your husband if he costs you more than he’s worth to you.
If you really want to marry, rule #1 is “seek ye first the kingdom of God” to get yourself ready to glorify God with your husband all your days. Rule #2 is what Ruth told Naomi:
Rule # 2 – Go Wherever He Goes
whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Look in a mirror and watch yourself say that verse several times while thinking about him. If you can’t promise him Ruth’s vow from the bottom of your heart, if you aren’t eager to be the tail on his kite, if his kite has no string, or if you aren’t eager to follow him wherever he goes all your days, don’t marry him.
Women wonder if it has to be this way, “Why am I the tail,” they ask. The Bible tells you. Many men say that this passage means that a husband can lord it over his wife, but other verses say the opposite:
For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
You’re the tail on his kite because God made you as God’s gift to your husband; he’s not made for you. He takes you to wife, you don’t take him to husband. The bride is given away; she’s the gift, not the groom.
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:22-24
The first words Eve heard from her husband-to-be were a bit possessive. Adam said that Eve was part of him, she belonged to him, he could have her whenever he wanted her, that’s what “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” means to a man. Men haven’t changed one jot since God brought Eve to Adam - men are still a bit possessive of their wives. God made women for men so very well that they’re worth wanting.
Adam called Eve “woman.” Did he ask her what she wanted to be called? He later named her Eve without asking her. Do men put labels on women? Who takes whose name? Have men changed?
Adam started out saying, “Want that! Gimmie!” Eve knew Adam appreciated her and that events would take their course as defined in Ruth 3:18. How many of you know Ruth 3:18? If you’re thinking of marriage, you’d better understand that verse:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
What’s this, “will not be in rest”? Married women know why Boas wouldn’t be in rest until he’d finished the thing that very day. Have men changed? Have men changed at all? Here’s what Ruth said to Boaz:
I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman. Ruth 3:9
Is the Bible clear about the basics of marriage, or what? Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother’s tent, he gave her a home, he took her, she became his wife, he loved her, and she comforted him. Ruth wanted Boaz to spread his coat over her and keep her warm, what does a woman want today? She wants her man to put his arm around her and keep her warm and safe.
You see a young man with a young woman, she’s often wearing his jacket or shirt, she’s testing to see if he’ll keep her warm. What could be more basic? Adam said “Mine! Want! Gimmie!” Just like Adam, Boaz couldn’t be in rest. He took Ruth to wife that day, what’s simpler than that?
The idea of a woman wanting a man to keep her warm and a man not being in rest are the foundation of marriage, but that’s not enough. In 90% of the failed marriages today, it’s the woman who walks out; she’s not starving and she’s not cold. Why does she leave? It’s usually because she doesn’t find rest in her husband.
Rule # 3 – Be Sure He Gives You Rest
Naomi told Ruth what’s more important than food or shelter. As Naomi started back to Palestine, she told her daughters not to come because they couldn’t find husbands. What did Naomi wish for them? She said,
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
Naomi wanted each daughter to find rest in her husband. She didn’t wish food, or shelter, or warmth, she didn’t wish romantic love, she wished rest. A woman needs food, shelter, warmth, love, praise, and conversation, but she also needs rest. Rule #2 is go where he goes, rule # 3 is be sure he gives you rest.
Women, given that you’re the tail on his kite, you better make sure this man will give you rest. If he gives you rest, you won’t mind motorcycles in the living room, a woman can handle anything a man does if he convinces her that he loves her as Christ loves the church. A good husband and a bad husband cost you about the same. The difference is that a good husband gives you rest so you don’t mind what he costs. A bad husband doesn’t give you rest so he isn’t worth what he costs. Note, giving you rest is not physical love. This is a supportive, serving, caring, sacrificial love that a man decides to give you, it’s not emotional or physical.
Before marrying him, you must know: does he give you rest, that is, does he love you and serve you as Christ loves the church? Do you want him hanging around the house? Can you rest while he’s in your house?
The Hebrew word used in Ruth means “comfortable, ease, quiet, resting place, abode,” particularly in marriage. Does “rest” mean that she doesn’t have to work? No, Ruth worked hard. This isn’t physical rest, its emotional rest, and a man owes it to his wife. Jesus said,
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
“Rest” in the phrase “the man will not be in rest” is a Hebrew word which means, “repose, idleness, quietness,” which Boaz couldn’t have until the thing was done, he couldn’t rest until he’d taken Ruth to wife.
How does a wife find rest? A man can’t give his wife spiritual rest which comes from her belonging to Christ, but Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…” The rest Christ gives His people is like the rest men should give their wives. As men find rest in Christ, wives should find rest in husbands. Accepting salvation means taking Christ’s yoke upon you and trying to please Him.
Men, when a woman marries, she takes your yoke upon her. The married woman cares how she may please her husband (1 Cor. 7:34). Men, your wife put on the yoke of pleasing you, a woman can’t rest unless her man shows her over and over that he’s happy with her and resting in her. Women, be careful about rest. Some men don’t find rest in Christ, they think God has a checklist and waits to whack them if they step out of line or miss a box. Men who believe God’s a bully usually bully their wives and children, you don’t need that.
Husbands, is your yoke easy, is your burden light? Are you meek and lowly in heart toward your wives? Do you make it easy for your wife to learn of you? She can’t know she’s pleasing you unless she knows you well. As the years go by, do you spend hours and hours explaining the cares of your heart as you spend hours and hours in Bible reading to learn of Christ? Does your wife find rest unto her soul in your house? We’re to love our wives as Christ loves us, a husband’s obligations are plain, if difficult.
A wife can’t please her husband unless she knows what he’s planning in detail. If a husband says, “Let’s go on a picnic,” his wife’s mind fills with questions. She wants to know where they’re going and what she’ll find there. Are there bathrooms? Is there a playground? Is there a sandbox? How long will we be gone? How many diapers do I take? How many meals? Should we bring swimsuits?
If she runs out of diapers, toys, or food, buying anything in a picnic spot is expensive and she’ll be criticized for poor planning. She can’t rest unless she knows the plan in detail.
Rest from Criticism
About a year before I found her, my wife thought she’d marry a man she’d known for several years. He looked good. He was a youth group leader and served in the church, but there was a problem – he could be very negative. Some weekends were wonderful because she liked spending time at church with the man she loved. Other weekends were awful because he tore her down. She never knew how their “dates” would go. She became timid and introverted, not wanting to say anything for fear of being criticized or corrected.
Her parents had always loved and encouraged her and she had been an outgoing person before she met him. They were quite worried at seeing her become so withdrawn and so uncertain from being around him.
Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”
Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew his family. He confirmed that her friend had a critical spirit and there was no way that she would ever be able to make him happy. The missionary pointed out that it would be a bad idea to marry him. When she asked her boyfriend about the matter, he huffed, “That’s the way I am. If you don’t like it, good bye!” so she stopped seeing him.
What was her mistake? She hadn’t guarded her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God! Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
Your heart defines your life, but you’re supposed to rule your emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Keep your heart by giving it to God. Her boyfriend’s heart was not right toward her; criticism and ingratitude flowed from his mouth to her hurt. She didn’t want to go through that again. From the first, she tested me to see if I’d criticize her and I didn’t. When we visited her parents after our 3rd date, they knew that she’d changed. Her mother thought, “She feels safe with him. They’ll be married pretty soon.”
She did her very best not to love me while we were dating. I didn’t know she wasn’t in love when she agreed to marry me. I was interesting, I had a job, I was smitten, I gave her rest, I ruled her gently, I protected her, and she was convinced that I was the man God wanted her to marry. That was enough for her.
The idea of marrying for love is maybe a century old. Before that, people married for duty. A farmer couldn’t eat unless a woman turned his crops into something edible, and a woman couldn’t farm. They needed each other. Love might or might not come. Love has strong days and weak days, but duty goes on.
God expects you to marry for duty and keep your heart until he’s committed himself to you.
Based on her experience with her boyfriend, she knew that she would come to love me. She asked that I never criticize her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. We didn’t know it then, but God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
I need this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man she loves. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why hang around her.
Women are unbelievably sensitive. Many of my wife’s friends say they get no praise at all from their husbands. “He’ll say he liked the dinner and he appreciated my taking care of his friends, but….” There’s always a “but.” Her friend is in such fear of the coming “but” that she can’t hear the praise. The world’s way of ending with the negative destroys. The Bible says “the fool … but the wise…” or “the wages of sin is death, but…” The negative comes first, then the positive. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife! As salvation is “Only believe,” marriage is “only praise” see page 17.
If you’ve given your wife rest, you can say, “That last plan didn’t work out as well as we expected…” Note the “we.” You are the leader and she probably did it to please you. If you take responsibility for what happened, the fact that it didn’t work well won’t hurt her as much.
Let me give you an example. We were having lunch at church and my wife was cooking green beans. It’s a lot of work to prepare beans. You break off one end, pull off the strings, and break them just so.
Then she tried to help a friend in distress. This takes attention and focus. She helped her friend but the beans burned. I ate them and appreciated them. Regardless of how the beans worked out, I appreciated her work. What’s more important to God, helping heal her friend’s distress or a few beans? She must exercise her gifts of helping as we glorify God together. Some of her fruit will rebound to my account.
Rest from Worry
A wife’s rest isn’t only physical, it’s emotional and spiritual, and the Book of Ruth shows how. Ruth and Naomi got to Palestine at the beginning of barley harvest (Ruth 1:22). They had no money, no job, and no food. Ruth went out to glean, that is, pick up what’s left by the harvesters. Boaz gave Ruth a taste of rest that day.
Have you watched farmers harvest crops by hand? I grew up in Japan in the 50’s. Japan was bombed flat during WW II, there was no farm machinery, men and women harvested grain by hand. It’s grinding, killing work. You cut the stalks at ground level because you need the straw. You bend over, cut a bunch, tie it into a sheaf, and put it in your bag. Then you do another one and another, all day every day until it’s done.
Gleaning is worse. Harvesters get grain in bunches, gleaners find one stalk at a time. Scatter spaghetti all over the yard. You see a stick, you bend over, pick it up, straighten up, you walk a bit and see another and grab it – how long before you get enough for dinner, one stick at a time? Next time you buy groceries, thank God Almighty you don’t have to do as Ruth did by faith that God would give her enough to eat.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Faith is based on what we can’t see, it’s not fact until we look back and see what God did in caring for us.
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5 That happened when Ruth’s husband died.
It took great faith for Ruth to leave Moab for Israel when she’d been told she wouldn’t find a husband. When Ruth went to glean, Ruth 2:3 tells us “her hap was to light on a part of the field belonging unto Boaz.”
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 Something that seems bad can be a real test of faith.
By “hap,” scripture tells us that there was no logical reason Ruth could see to choose Boaz’s field to glean. We know she did it well. Boaz asked about her:
And the servant that was set over the reapers answered and said, It is the Moabitish damsel that came back with Naomi out of the country of Moab: and she said, I pray you, let me glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves: so she came, and hath continued even from the morning until now, that she tarried a little in the house. Ruth 2:6-7
Ruth “continued even from the morning until now,” Boaz knew Ruth worked hard.
Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn. Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger? Ruth 2:8-10
Boaz was kind to Ruth, he gave her water, he told his men to leave her alone, and she asked why. When a man’s nice, it’s a good idea for a woman to ask why, particularly when he tells other men to leave her alone. Instead of ignoring her as men often do when women ask “Why?” he opened his heart to her, he told her why:
And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. Ruth 2:11
Boaz cared for Ruth because she trusted God enough to travel to a strange land where she had no hope of marrying. He respected her character; he valued her trust in God. What a testimony in the town! He said:
The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:12
Boaz saw that Ruth’s faith in God was strong enough to overcome fear of rejection or starvation. When Naomi told Ruth who Boaz was, Ruth could see that God had guided her. That made her faith fact. We follow God in faith that obeying Him will work out, then we look back and see how He made it happen. Each step of faith makes the next step easier.
Boaz valuing Ruth’s faith is Biblical:
Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Why did Ruth go with Naomi? Naomi told her she wouldn’t find a husband and might starve that winter without one. Ruth sought the kingdom of God first; it’s no surprise that all these things were added unto her.
So if you must marry, we have three rules of getting married: 1) seek ye first the kingdom of God in faith that God will guide you, 2) understand that you’re made for him so you’re the tail on his kite, and 3) make sure he values and respects you so that you can find rest in his house.
Marriage happens because women want a man’s appreciation and men can’t be in rest, but women need rest in marriage. When Boaz told the reapers to drop a few bundles of grain for her so she wouldn’t have to work as hard, Ruth knew that Boaz appreciated her and valued her enough to help her rest a bit.
The book of Genesis tells us a lot about how men and women get along. Consider Adam’s punishment:
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
Adam was to eat by the sweat of his face. Not just his brow, his entire face.
How would Eve eat? By the sweat of Adam’s face. Until recently, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her and her children or she’d starve. That’s why relationships are so important to a woman – her tie to her man was life or death. That’s why it meant so much to Ruth when Boaz praised her walk with God. When Boaz not only fed her but had the reapers drop bundles for her, she rested in the knowledge that he was inclined to feed her. That’s why she was glad to obey Naomi when Naomi told her to ask Boaz to marry her.
Starvation is rare now, but there’s another fear. A few months after we married, a colleague and I left work and realized we’d forgotten to discuss a problem. Instead of going back in, we talked in my car for several hours. When I got home, my wife was in tears. I didn't arrive when she expected, she called the office and was told I’d left. She thought something had happened to me. I was stunned, awed, and humbled to see how important I had become to her. I try to let her know where I am so she knows I'm okay.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18
A woman wants her love for her husband to be perfect. A man should never let her be tormented by fear.
Rest from Praise and Appreciation
Which single Bible passage says the most about how to have a happy marriage?
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Praise is important to women, read Solomon’s Song to learn how. Proverbs 31 describes a virtuous woman. Preachers say that there are few “Proverbs 31 women,” but forget how Proverbs 31 commands men.
Praise from husband and children is part of being a virtuous wife, it’s her due. Her works praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31). A woman can’t be a “Proverbs 31 wife” without praise from a “Proverbs 31 husband.” A man may work from sun to sun; a woman’s work is never done. How can she keep on keeping on? Praise is the gasoline that helps a woman go, and even a poor man can praise and think about her needs.
If, for example, a husband puts the toilet seat down or takes a quick swipe to clean a sink before the goo hardens, his wife appreciates his thinking of her as much as she appreciates not having to do it herself.
Ruth 1:9 says a wife should find rest in the home of her husband, Ruth 2:11-12 and 3:10 show Boaz giving Ruth rest, Pr. 31:28-29 tells husbands to teach children to praise their mothers and to add praise of their own. The Song teaches a man to give his wife rest by praising her in mind-numbing detail many times per day.
Naomi’s command to “sit still” in Ruth 3:18 comes right after Ruth came back from the party, she’s all fired up, she’s going to get married even if she doesn’t know who. I don’t have daughters so I’m not sure what a young lady does when she thinks a man’s interested in her, but the Bible tells what Ruth did,
And she told her all that the man had done to her. Ruth 3:16
When the Bible says “all” it means “all.” I’ve been a husband since 1971; I know that when a woman tells “all,” she really tells all, women love details. Ruth told Naomi what Boaz was wearing, the tone of his voice, every word he said, and what she said, and where they were, and who was at the party, and what they all wore, and what they all said, and when she got done, Naomi could’ve been there.
Many men occasionally, well, not often, but occasionally, get a wee bit frustrated at their wives’ desire for detail. Me, too, I must confess, but over the years, I’ve become convinced that a woman’s concern for detail is of God and for very good reasons. Here’s proof that a woman’s mind is of God:
A prudent wife is from the Lord Proverbs 19:14
“Prudence” means thinking, women think ahead in detail for good reason, a woman’s mind is from the Lord, the way your wife’s mind works is of God, don’t mess with her mind, guys, the way she thinks is of God!
All this detail, Naomi’s got the picture with words and music, what does she say?
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Ladies, that’s the best advice on getting married there is. “Sit still.” I say it again, “Sit still, do nothing, say nothing, just sit still.” That’s really all Naomi had to say. Ruth promised “wither thou goest I will go,” so Ruth had to obey Naomi as her own parent. Naomi was in charge just as your husband’s in charge after you marry, all Naomi had to say was “Sit still,” but Naomi went on. She added “my daughter,” to say, “I love you and I’m doing what’s best for you.” She explained, “For the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.” Learn from this, men. Paul told Philemon, “I have authority, I could command you but I’d rather persuade you.” As Naomi persuaded Ruth rather than commanding, as Paul persuaded Philemon rather than commanding, the Bible teaches that we should persuade our wives, our children, and everyone else rather than commanding (2 Cor. 5:11[317]), no matter how long it takes for them to understand.
That long? As long as it takes? Yeah, that long, and believe me, I know how long it can be. It’s not because women are difficult, the Bible says that women are made for men and that a wife wants to please her husband, but women think very differently from men. It takes time to understand what she’s saying, it takes time to explain what you want, and it takes time to persuade her that it’s best or for her to persuade you. God said that a woman’s mind is from Him. Men, be patient and longsuffering, her mind is of God.
You must persuade, Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin.” If your wife obeys without being persuaded, she’s in sin because she’s following you, a man, rather than following what God wants. Following a man instead of God is idolatry. Commanding a wife without persuading her leads to serious sin.
You must persuade your children as they get old enough to understand persuasion. If little kids don’t want to go to bed, you can pick them up, but what happens when they get bigger? You must punish rebellion, but you’ll have to persuade older kids that they need sleep, that they need to dress warmly in winter, and, most important, that the Word of God is the key to a contented life. Knowing when to punish and when to persuade is a very difficult issue in parenting. You can’t force conviction on matters of the heart through the world’s methods of command. All you can do is serve by example, persuade, and pray for conviction.
Naomi didn’t command Ruth to believe in God, in fact, she told Ruth to go home. Naomi had convinced Ruth about God so strongly that Ruth wanted God badly enough to go back to Palestine with her. You can’t just quote the Bible because it’s foolishness to unbelievers and to the religious who just prayed the prayer.
How can Jesus be both God and man? That’s illogical, you have to persuade by testifying about what God has done for you and for other people, showing them His grace, pointing out the results of what friends do, walking by faith no matter what God brings into your life, and showing that you care for souls.
God gives us soul liberty, even the liberty to choose to go to hell. Provoking your followers to wrath as condemned in Ephesians 6:4 shows that you may have denied soul liberty. Extra prayer, humility, servant leadership, and searching the scripture are needed in those cases. Try to get a competition going to see who can humble themselves the most and serve the most as opposed to struggling to be top dog.
Rest from Physical Rest
We’ve shown the emotional rest Naomi described. God also commands that women be given physical rest.
Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean. And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised. And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days. Leviticus 12:2-5
Some complain that this is another of those ridiculous patriarchic passages that disrespect women. Why should giving birth, a natural and honorable process, make a woman unclean?
An unclean woman couldn’t wash dishes – they’d be unclean and nobody could eat off them. She couldn’t do laundry – the clothes would be unclean and nobody could wear them. She couldn’t do housework; she got time to rest and learn to know her new baby. She stayed home. This protects babies from infection.
Japanese mothers are told not to take a new baby out in public for 2 months and to discourage visitors.
“Man may work from sun to sun; women’s work is never done.” Women can be so driven to take care of their homes and to try to please their men that they don’t get enough rest. Men should watch out for that. God could have told men to make sure that their wives were able to rest, but He made it a matter of ritual impurity instead. Maybe men wouldn’t have listened otherwise? Did He have to make it a matter of law?
Without infant formula, nursing was the only way to keep a baby alive. I’ve been told that girl babies often have a harder time settling down to nursing than boy babies and that girls are smaller at birth than boys. It’s a major milestone for a mother when her baby holds enough milk to sleep through the night. If girls have a harder time nursing and they’re smaller, it would take longer for a girl to sleep through the night.
If that’s true, God knows all about it. What did He do? A mother got more time off when she gave birth to a girl than when she gave birth to a boy, 70 days versus 40 days. The extra month made it more likely that the newborn girl would sleep through the night before the mother had to resume her normal routine.
God honors women. Anna was the first to proclaim salvation (Luke 2:36-38[318]). A woman anointed Jesus’ body for burial (Mt. 26:12[319]). Pilate’s wife tried to persuade him not to crucify Jesus (Mt. 27:19[320]). Women were last at the cross (Mk. 15:47[321]) and first at the tomb (Jn. 20:1[322]). Women proclaimed the resurrection (Mt. 28:5-10). Women attended prayer meetings (Ac. 1:14[323]). Lydia was the first European to hear the missionaries, the first convert, offered lodging, and may have started a house church (Ac. 16:13-14).
Galatians 3:28 says, “there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” In modern culture, it’s hard for men and women to treat each other as people; gender attraction tends to creep into conversations. This leads to temptations and gives Satan an advantage. The Bible tells how:
Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:1-2
There’s nothing wrong with men and women talking to each other and having fellowship so long as they do it “with all purity.” It’s a good idea because they think so differently. In talking to other men, my wife found that I wasn’t nearly as strange as she’d thought, and the same worked for me, too.
These conversations must stay logical. Letting emotion into these talks opens impure doors. We can express emotions to the church body as a whole, but emoting to an individual of the opposite sex is perilous.
Rule # 4 – Don’t Play Hard to Get, Be Hard to Get
Having looked at the necessity of persuasion and getting rest, let’s explore Naomi’s advice to women.
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Naomi’s advice to wait doesn’t mean that women have to be passive about wanting to marry, not at all. Ruth crashed the party (Ruth 3:1-5) and asked Boaz to marry her. Ruth wasn’t being forward; having Boaz care for her was her right as his relative’s widow, but she had to choose the right time to ask.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; … a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. Ecclesiastes 3:1
I grew up in farm country so I know why Ruth had to wait before asking Boaz to marry her. Men are much more focused than women. When a baby chokes, the mother better hear no matter what she’s doing or the baby dies. God made women easy to interrupt. Men focus more strongly and can get testy when interrupted. The harvest was important, if they didn’t get enough, some would starve to death before the next harvest.
Moreover the profit of the earth is for all: the king himself is served by the field. Ecclesiastes 5:9
If there’s no food, nobody eats, not even the king. Ruth waited until “his heart was merry,” then she “came softly.” Why was Boaz merry? He’d finished the harvest, there was enough food, he wouldn’t starve that year, and he could rest a bit. He might even be open to think about lesser matters like marriage.
Men haven’t changed since Boaz or since Adam. What Naomi told Ruth after the party was rule # 4, “Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get.” There’s a saying, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that zing!” What’s the zing that makes marriage happen? The man can’t rest. If he has rest, why marry?
Toy or Treasure
There are only two possible modes when a girl interacts with a guy: 1) she can be his toy or 2) she can be his treasure. You've seen a little boy play with a truck. He pushes it this way and that, then, when he gets tired of it, he throws it away and grabs another. It is hard on girls when boys get tired of them and throw them away.
Young ladies want attention from men. If older women haven’t fulfilled God’s command to teach them about men, they tend to end up in fornication. Even secular writers know that this can be damaging. The book “Unprotected” by Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why this is so. To oversimplify, a woman tends to become emotionally involved when she gives herself to a man. It hurts her deeply when she finds that she meant nothing to him, and that in his mind, she was just an interchangeable toy.
Any boy can play with her; it takes a man to stay with her. Toy or treasure, play or stay are the only possibilities. If a girl doesn’t want to be treated like a toy, she must insist that he treat her as a treasure and potential wife from before the first date.
A Misconception About Conception
There’s another common error – many girls think a man will marry her if she has his baby.
And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing. Genesis 29:31-35
Poor Leah! It took three sons for her to learn that bearing Jacob’s sons wouldn’t make him love her.
But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 25:6
Abraham was a friend of God (2 Chr. 20:7, Isa. 41:8), yet he sent away women who had his babies without marrying. I asked a young lady why she thought he’d marry. “He’d have to marry me to be near his baby.”
Nonsense. She said she wanted to get married, but she moved in with him without marriage. To him, what she said about wanting marriage was a lie. She said she was on the pill, but she stopped taking it and told him he’d have to marry her. Now she’s a lying manipulator. Why marry someone like that?
Whose are the Children?
Here’s a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. When we were in the kid biz, a child might violate a rule, be called on it, and say, “Yes, I know.” If the child knew the rule, why break it? Because the rule was only head knowledge, it hadn’t gotten down into his heart.
Although a man may have some vague sort of head knowledge about the birds and bees, down in his heart, where it really counts, a man doesn’t believe he has anything to do with making babies. Your baby is clearly yours – you had it last – but what has your baby to do with him?
One reason God made men so possessive was to give children fathers. If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman and she encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she gets pregnant, her children will be his, too.
A woman gives her children a father by belonging thoroughly to him before they’re conceived, but he has a hard time valuing her enough to value her children as God expects of him if she gives him rest out of season.
Having my wife decide to belong to me changed everything. A woman told me, “You have cat tracks on your car.” She was clearly asking a question, so I said, “They’re my wife’s cats.” Her questioning look got deeper, so I said, “Long ago, she made a conscious decision to belong to me. She’s mine, so her cats are mine.” Her face cleared, she nodded, and walked away. I had answered her question.
Rule # 5 – Get Advice from a Godly Grandmother
Rule # 4, don’t play hard to get, be hard to get, gets to rule # 5, get advice from an older woman. Ruth had been married, she knew what men wanted, but she took Naomi’s advice. Naomi told Ruth when to plant by gleaning with Boaz; Naomi told Ruth when to pluck up that which was planted by crashing the party.
Women need advice about men; when they’re on their own, they usually mess up. Ruth could’ve asked Boaz the day she got back, Ruth’s rights didn’t change during the harvest, but Naomi had Ruth wait. Boaz was focused on the harvest; the last thing he wanted was wedding talk when he was worried about starving. Ruth waited until Boaz got to know her and until his “heart was merry;” when she asked him to marry her, he wanted to do it. Being wanted and appreciated gave Ruth rest.
Here’s another area where Ruth took advice. When Naomi told Ruth to go to Boaz’ party even though she hadn’t been invited, Naomi told Ruth to get all dressed up:
Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and put thy raiment upon thee, Ruth 3:3a
Boaz had gotten to know Ruth as she worked the harvest and he’d shown that he respected Ruth the day they met. Once Boaz respected her, then it was OK for Ruth to look her best. Girls, it’s a bad idea for you to do anything special to attract a man’s attention at the beginning. Suppose it works, then what? What’ll you do when you’re too busy, or too tired, or too pregnant to do whatever it was that attracted him? Girls, unless a man comes after you on his own just the way God made you, God won’t want to give you to him.
If you worry too much about your looks, it’s easy for a man to flatter you and win your heart by saying you look good. Don’t we talk about a man “feeding her a line?” Seek to put on a meek and quiet spirit. A meek and quiet spirit is of great price in the eyes of God (I Peter 3:4[324]), and the right man treasures it too.
Does He Praise You
Let’s look at rest a bit more in the context of getting advice. You may not always understand what a man means by what he says to you, particularly if you’re falling in love with him. You need for your husband to appreciate you and that’s where you need advice. Tell an older woman what he says and she’ll help you figure out if he truly appreciates you. Someone your age can’t help you with that.
Men, a woman can give a man physical rest under pretty much any circumstances but she can’t give her man rest unto his soul unless he first gives her rest. A wife can’t make you any happier than you make her.
A woman can’t give her husband rest unless she’s happy about belonging to him and giving him rest. She can’t be happy about belonging to him unless he values her and appreciates her, and it’s hard to value her if she gives him rest outside marriage. The Bible explains how a man should give his wife rest so that she can give him complete rest, but a woman can’t create rest or love by herself. A woman’s like a mirror, she magnifies her husband’s love and rest back to him, she’s not a light.
If her man makes her feel appreciated, if he makes her feel respected and valued, if he gives her peace and rest as Christ gives His people perfect peace and rest, she amplifies his rest and reflects enough love back to him to take care of the whole family. A wife can’t make rest from nothing; she can’t give rest if she isn’t given rest to begin with. How does a man give his wife rest? God explains:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
The Bible commands a husband to tell his wife that she’s far better than any other wife he knows. It also commands a man to sanctify his wife, that is, to set her apart from all other women:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, Ephesians 5:25-26
Does He Sanctify You
Men should sanctify wives as Christ sanctifies the church. Sanctification means “set apart,” a husband must know his wife well enough to separate her from other women, especially when taking her. Men get so intense that a woman may think, “Anybody would do.” Some men say, “All cats are gray in the dark.” This suggests that men don’t sanctify women even though Song 6:9 teaches a man to think of his wife as “but one.” Would God command men to sanctify wives if it were natural? It isn’t, a man must purpose in his heart to do it.
A man must possess his wife in sanctification. He must let her know he desires her as a person, a mind, a set of skills, a help meet, a companion, not just a body. If a wife doesn’t feel sanctified, she feels she’s fornicating because she could be any woman. A man sanctifies his wife by praising her in detail, read Solomon’s Song. If he notices and praises small details, she feels he’s paying attention and that he values her.
In any case, Boaz couldn’t be in rest, he wanted Ruth, so he married her, took her, and she was his wife.
We have 4 of Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than a husband without God. 2) Know that you’re made for him, he’s not made for you, when he does what a man’s gotta do, you gotta clean up the mess. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you as Boaz respected and honored Ruth so you won’t mind cleaning up after him. 4) Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get. When he can’t be in rest, just let it happen, don’t give him rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice!
Rule # 6 – Make Sure He Opens His Heart to You
Hear it again, make sure he opens his heart to you. Women live and die by relationships. A wife relates to other women to share knowledge about how to raise children and how to keep husbands happy. A wife wants to know that the bonds are strong. It hurts her deeply if her husband won’t open his heart to her. For generations, a woman could live only by the sweat of her husband’s face. A woman whose relationship ended through death or desertion could starve. That’s why God gave special provision for widows and the fatherless.
God knows that opening his heart is as frightening for a man as opening her body can be for a woman.
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
It’s safe for a man to open his heart to a virtuous woman who will do him good and not evil. Some say “no need of spoil” means that the man shouldn’t be interested in other women; Song 6:9 agrees. Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven right here on earth, but few realize that she can make him no happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[325]). Few men know how badly women need open hearts.
My wife teaches that a man expects to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. That’s simple, but not easy. It’s simple to walk from Maine to California - put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there - but it’s not easy.
He wants you to open your body to him. You want him to open his heart to you. He wants to put himself into your body. You want to put yourself, your words, your thoughts, and your feelings, into his heart.
He leaves his seed inside your body where it affects your mood and can give you a baby. You want to leave your essence, your being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about you, how he treats you, and how he relates to everyone else. People can tell you belong to each other by looking at you or hearing you.
There's no simple formula for a man to keep a woman happy because women aren’t nearly as alike as men are. If he opens his heart to her as sincerely, as deeply, as widely, as patiently, as attentively, as often, and as gladly as he expects her to open her body to him, they will come to belong to each other. Once they belong to each other, they can give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
When Boaz opened his heart to Ruth and praised her Godliness, Ruth knew he respected and valued her. He told the young men not to mess with her, he protected her, he gave her water and lunch, he provided for her; she rested near him and worked with his people through the harvest. When she asked for his coat:
And he said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich. And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman. Ruth 3:10
Boaz liked Ruth asking him to marry her. He wanted her for her virtue, her character; everybody knew she was a virtuous woman. Don’t you think other women were interested in him? Boaz knew Ruth “followedst not young men” she wasn’t dating around. Boaz knew Ruth sought God. God made women for men. Boaz knew that a woman who works hard, acts modestly, and seeks God makes a good wife, so he married her.
Society suggests beauty is the only thing that matters in women. Would you rather your husband praise your looks or that he value your walk with God? Boaz praised her character, he knew she sought God and valued her for it. You don’t want a man who doesn’t care whether you seek God no matter how attractive you are. If he only loves your looks, what will he do as you get older or pregnant and your looks fade?
A man won’t open his heart and won’t belong to you unless he respects you. “But,” you ask, “how will a man know to respect and honor me?” There are two ways, the right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is to date and hope he’ll respect you, maybe he’ll marry you. That doesn’t work. Look around and see if your friends’ relationships are working. They generally aren’t. How do you do it differently?
Here’s how my wife did it. We met at church, I told her I’d be away for a month but that I’d date her when I got back, and I asked her out the next time I saw her. She said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out at all, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether we should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends. I’m not a toy, I don’t want a man to play with me, I want a man to stay with me.”
I valued that and so has every man I’ve told. Men know they don’t understand women, men know that an unhappy woman is a hardship, a man worries about keeping you happy. If you state what you want clearly and simply and explain your needs before you date, a man can know whether he can give you rest or not.
Think about it from my point of view. Her telling me she expected to be a treasure for her husband was a great recommendation. What man wouldn’t want a woman who planned to be God’s treasure for him?
She wanted me to agree on why we were together. She put marriage on the table and insisted that I treat her as a treasure. I soon decided that she’d told the truth about being a treasure and took her to wife.
During my trip, my aunt asked if I knew any women, I said I’d just met one, but I wasn’t thinking marriage. When she mentioned marriage, I realized that marrying her might be a good idea, but without her bringing it up, I don’t know if I’d have thought of it.
Who mentioned marriage first, Boaz or Ruth? Men don’t always think of marriage, ladies, I didn’t, Boaz didn’t. My wife didn’t ask for marriage, she asked me to consider marriage; it’s in your interest to put marriage on the table before the first date. So what if he walks away? If he’s opposed to marriage, if your being God’s treasure doesn’t move him, you don’t want to fall in love with him. Guard your heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Ask God About Him
You must know whether a man respects you before marrying. Boaz showed Ruth respect by opening his heart and taking care of her, but how do you know? There are two steps in finding out, ask God, then ask the man.
Ye have not, because ye ask not. James 4:2b
Women ask for very little and that’s often what they get; my wife asked for respect and became my treasure. It’s hard to be a Biblical wife without your husband’s cooperation. God promises wisdom if you ask Him (II Chron. 1:11[326], James 1:5[327]). Pray fervently that God will show your friend’s heart before you fall in love. Pray that God will reveal any reason you and he shouldn’t marry, and obey what God shows you.
If you let God choose your husband, He’ll give you to a man who delights in you. It hurts a woman to marry a man who isn’t pleased with her. She’ll try something, he’ll like it, she’ll do something similar, and he won’t like it. She’ll second-guess, “Last week, he liked this, he didn’t like that…” If you find yourself constantly changing and hoping to please him, he probably isn’t the right man - the right man appreciates you as God made you. You’ll have to change your ways as you and your husband grow into your new life together, but it’s not a good idea to marry a man if you find yourself changing your basic nature to try to please him.
Ask the Man to Show Himself
After you ask God whether this guy will give you rest, it’s time to ask the man. You should have asked for respect from the beginning. If things look good, you’d better find out whether he respects your mind and your thought process before you’re too much in love to back out without being hurt.
God made you to be your husband’s help meet and you can’t help him unless he explains what he wants. I Cor. 11:9 says that you were made for a man and Gen. 3:16 says that your desire is toward your husband. How did God do this? How did God overcome your desire for independence and make you want to please a man? God gave you and almost all women an intense desire for a man’s praise. Why else have a man at all?
You want to please your husband (I Cor. 7:34[328]), but you can’t please him without knowing him. The Bible commands honoring your husband; it forbids fornication, theft, and adultery. In areas such as the car you drive or the school you attend, however, God gives us liberty to use our intelligence and free will.
As you and your husband make decisions, you’ll feel left out unless he asks your views and draws on your knowledge. Any man who ignores his wife’s gifts and knowledge when making decisions is a fool (Mt. 27:19[329]). God gave you a different way of thinking so that you could help him more effectively. Your womanly point of view helps make it less likely that you’ll overlook possibilities. What doesn’t occur to him may suggest itself to you, and vice versa, but you can’t help him if he won’t listen to you.
Ask his views on drinking coffee, dancing, movies, rock music, Bible versions, spanking children, TV, or women wearing trousers to see whether he discusses issues with you or just tells you. A woman has a hard time telling flattery from praise, it’s hard to tell whether he wants to toy with you or to have you be his treasure and take you to wife. If you tell an older woman what he says, she can tell a man who treasures you from a man who’s toying with you. A friend your age can’t do it; Naomi was a generation older than Ruth.
Ask him what Jacob should have done when he awoke and “Behold, it was Leah,” (Gen. 29:25). Most men say Jacob was right to demand Rachel because she was beautiful, but God looks on the heart instead of appearance. God let Laban trick Jacob into taking Leah to wife. All things work together for good to them who are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28). Should Jacob have let God order his steps (Ps. 37:23[330])?
God doesn’t force people to follow His will. Jacob got what Jacob wanted (Ps. 106:15[331]), but he had four jealous women fighting for his attention. All but two of his children knew their father didn’t love their mother, how did that turn out? Contentment comes from yielding to the Master. Godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Tim. 6:6), and Jacob found little contentment. Should he have been content with Leah?
Discuss Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1-11. Ananias wanted to keep back money, they discussed it, she agreed, they were struck dead. Some say they were co-conspirators, but the use of singular and plural in the passage shows that it was his idea and his wife agreed; that’s what submission is. A husband should get his wife’s agreement when making decisions. Sapphira was submitting to her husband’s idea when she was struck dead, does this teach that there are limits to your submission? Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin,” commanding you to do things you don’t agree with forces you to sin because you can’t have faith in what you do. You need to know whether he believes there are limits to your submission. Should you marry a man who believes that God wants you to obey him without question no matter what?
Ask him why God put this verse in the Bible:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Most men ridicule the idea of acting on a wife’s dreams, but Pilate should have listened. Does God ever try to tell a husband something by telling his wife (Judges 13:2-13)?
You must find out his beliefs about what women are. Men have two basic views of women, “last in creation, first in the fall” or “last at the cross, first at the tomb.” The first blames women for the fall; everything that ever goes wrong is a woman’s fault just as Adam blamed Eve:
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
A man who believes this thinks he’d be OK if his wife didn’t lure him to sin. The nicer she tries to be, the subtler he thinks Satan is and the harder he resists her. A woman who marries such a man dies inside.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
She yearns to please her husband and can’t, her bones dry and you see death in her eyes. But it’s a lie!
This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. Genesis 5:1-2
For Adam was first formed, then Eve… I Timothy 2:13
Eve wasn’t last in creation; they were created on the same day as one creature in the image of God. They were one flesh while Adam named the animals. God then separated Eve out of Adam’s body into her own form. A wife completes her husband’s image of God when they become one flesh.
Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: … For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Romans 5:12, 19
Eve didn’t cause the fall, “one man” did. The fall came after they were separated into a man and a woman; Adam caused the fall. The 1st view of women is false. The 2nd view is Biblical; women were last at the cross and first at the tomb. Which way do you want your husband to think about you?
Ask who misquoted God. Comparing Gen. 2:17[332] with Gen. 3:3[333] shows that Eve didn’t get it right.
And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. 16And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. 18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:15-18
God told Adam not to eat the fruit before forming Eve, did Adam add to what God said when he told Eve? Exo. 19:10-11, 15[334] shows that Moses added “come not at your wives” to what God told him.
Did Adam add to what God said as Moses did? The Bible doesn’t say who added. “Adam was not deceived (1 Tim. 2:14[335]);” he had to have heard what the serpent said. Gen. 3:6 shows that Adam was there “with her.” Why didn’t he protect or “keep” her by correcting her or telling her not to talk with the serpent?
If he insists that Eve misquoted God even knowing what Moses did and that the Bible doesn’t say, can you follow him? Scripture says that a wife is a gift from God (Pro. 18:22[336], Mt. 7:11[337], Jas. 1:17[338]). Can he say from his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you?”
You need to understand his thought process. Does he listen to your views, combining your knowledge, experience, and beliefs with his, or does he shut off discussion, saying, “That’s the way it is”?
If he’ll discuss the Bible with you, not lecture you, but discuss it back and forth, if he’s willing to honor what you’ve found in the Bible, to gently point out areas where you and he disagree, to work hard to bring harmony, to respect your views when making decisions, and to honor your walk with God, you’ll be able to accept his leadership. You’ll have trouble resting in him if he won’t explain himself or if you can’t respect him.
Conclusion
Here are Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than to have a husband without God. 2) Realize that you’re made for him and he’s not made for you. You’re the tail on his kite, so you’d better be sure his kite has a string. If he has a string, the two of you can soar together, but if he has no string, you’ll bump along the ground and get all muddy. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you so you find rest in cleaning up after him and in belonging to him. 4) Be hard to get, don’t give a man rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice from an older woman no matter how old you are. 6) Make sure he listens to you by opening his heart to you and that he accepts your need to talk all your days.
Pr. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his future wife. Working mothers don’t have the time or the emotional energy to do that, so you’ll have to explain your needs.
Since you probably won’t meet a man who knows your reputation, you’ll have to declare that you’re a treasure up front and prove it by acting like a treasure. Treasures dress modestly instead of dressing in marketing mode and they don’t “date around” or flirt.
Make sure he respects your thoughts enough to give you rest, we’ve given ways to see if he respects what the Holy Spirit gives you. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him, but it’s hard for a wife to be a treasure for a man who won’t give her rest.
This can also help fix broken marriages. Very few women have been taught to declare that they’re treasures. A woman should declare herself before marriage, but it’s never too late to declare that God meant you to be your husband’s treasure and start acting like it without nagging (1 Pe. 3:1-2[339]), nor is it too late for a man to start treasuring his wife and appreciating her as taught in the Song of Solomon and Proverbs 31:28-30. Remember, nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife, not even once.
Can he say from the bottom of his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If a man lives by that from the moment you meet until the day he dies, you will rest in belonging to him, and you can give him comfort in the same way Rebekah comforted Isaac (Gen. 24:67[340]). You can't make your husband any happier than he makes you. How happy does he want to be?
[1] But the chief priests consulted that they might put Lazarus also to death; John 12:10
[2] But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men. Matthew 16:23
[3] But when he had turned about and looked on his disciples, he rebuked Peter, saying, Get thee behind me, Satan: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men. Mark 8:33
[4] And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly. Matthew 26:75
[5] And Peter went out, and wept bitterly. Luke 22:62
[6] I appreciated my wife more than my dad valued his because I was homeschooled. Pr. 31 is wisdom about nourishing and cherishing a wife that King Lemuel’s mother taught. Learning daily from my mother taught me to respect her, her knowledge, and her womanly way of thinking. She’d say, “I’m thinking of your future wife” as she explained some of her really odd ideas just as Mrs. Lemuel must have. I’m grateful for what she taught me about how to have “happy wife, happy life.”
[7] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[8] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[9] My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18
[10] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
[11] Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
[12] For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
[13] The business of a farmer, comprehending agriculture or tillage of the ground, the raising, managing and fattening of cattle and other domestic animals, the management of the dairy and whatever the land produces.
[14] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[15] Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8
[16] Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! Psalm 133:1
[17] Testifying both to the Jews, and also to the Greeks, repentance toward God, and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ. Acts 20:21
[18] Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. II Corinthians 5:17
[19] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
[20] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[21] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[22] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[23] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; I Peter 3:1
[24] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
[25] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[26] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[27] The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever. Psalm 111:10
[28] The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding. Proverbs 9:10
[29] https://www.sciencealert.com/a-new-paper-claims-our-understanding-of-gravity-is-totally-wrong
[30] https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2017/09/15/proof-of-god-playing-dice-with-the-universe-found-in-the-suns-interior/?sh=2eff90203b03
[31] https://carnegiescience.edu/news/cosmic-accounting-reveals-missing-light-crisis
[32] https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2017/06/30/science-uncovers-the-origin-of-the-first-light-in-the-universe/
[33] “Matter arises from light? We finally know the answer to this question!” https://medium.com/@darkmatterarticles/matter-arises-from-light-we-finally-know-the-answer-to-this-question-84f3d30b0260
[34] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[35] Saying The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat: 3All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not. Matthew 23:2-3
[36] O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called: I Timothy 6:20
[37] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[38] And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
[39] And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
[40] Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. Matthew 22:37
[41] And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
[42] And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
[43] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[44] A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13
[45] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[46] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[47] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[48] A person who was deliberately abused as a child or in an earlier relationship may have a hard time believing in good faith. In such cases, we can’t forgive in our own strength, we must ask God for strength to forgive, page 88, and urge the offender to seek God’s forgiveness. Jesus Forgives More Than We Can Understand on page 6 shows how He forgave His disciples when they went fishing instead of starting His church. He will forgive anyone who chooses to believe in Him and asks for His help.
[49] Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
[50] And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. 12The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:11-12
[51] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[52] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[53] Time Magazine, March 13, 2017, p 23
[54] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[55] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[56] And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
[57] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 5:1-2
[58] Since Adam’s sin brought sin into the world, some people abuse their spouses and children, causing emotional or physical hurt deliberately. Abuse situations are very difficult to cure unless the abuser accepts the forgiveness of Christ and repents. The Apostle Peter advised that abusers may be won “without the word” by seeing forgiveness and love (1 Peter 3:1-2).
[59] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen who found that men want to solve problems whereas women seek affirmation that they’ve been understood. She also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[60] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
[61] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[62] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[63] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[64] The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
[65] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[66] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[67] But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. I Timothy 5:8
[68] And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart. I Kings 11:3
[69] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
[70] Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold. Deuteronomy 17:17
[71] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[72] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[73] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[74] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[75] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[76] For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Romans 3:23
[77] Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: Romans 5:12
[78] For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23
[79] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[80] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[81] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[82] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[83] Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day. I Kings 8:61
[84] But the high places were not removed: nevertheless Asa's heart was perfect with the LORD all his days. I Kings 15:14
[85] I beseech thee, O LORD, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore. II Kings 20:3
[86] Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing. Psalm 100:2
[87] Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle, separated unto the gospel of God, Romans 1:1
[88] Paul, a servant of God, and an apostle of Jesus Christ, according to the faith of God's elect, and the acknowledging of the truth which is after godliness; Titus 1:1
[89] My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. John 10:29
[90] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[91] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:14-15
[92] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
[93] Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Romans 12:10
[94] For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Ephesians 4:12
[95] Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21
[96] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[97] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[98] Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
[99] He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10-12
[100] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[101] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[102] How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:14
[103] Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, 20By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; 21And having an high priest over the house of God; 22Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Hebrews 10:19-22
[104] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[105] Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13
[106] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
[107] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[108] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[109] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[110] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[111] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
[112] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
[113] I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid? Job 31:1
[114] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
[115] Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
[116] Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11
[117] But godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6
[118] Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5
[119] But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. Deuteronomy 4:29
[120] work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. Philippians 2:12b
[121] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[122] Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. James 5:16a
[123] And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: 6For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 7If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? 8But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Hebrews 12:5-8
[124]There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[125] Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
[126] For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 8:12
[127] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[128] And without controversy great is the mystery of godliness: God was manifest in the flesh, justified in the Spirit, seen of angels, preached unto the Gentiles, believed on in the world, received up into glory. I Timothy 3:16
[129] For if the blood of bulls and of goats, and the ashes of an heifer sprinkling the unclean, sanctifieth to the purifying of the flesh: 14How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:13-14
[130] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, I Peter 3:6a
[131] and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33b
[132] Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
[133] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[134] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29[saying] Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[135] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[136] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song 6:9a
[137] A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh. Luke 6:45
[138] But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: Ephesians 4:15
[139] But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. Matthew 12:36
[140] Jesus taught forgiveness. Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22. I’ve been married longer than 470 months. Assuming she had to forgive me only once per month, she’s forgiven me more than 470 times. Does that mean she doesn’t have to forgive me any more? No, Jesus taught unlimited forgiveness.
[141] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[142] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[143] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[144] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[145] I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13
[146] I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10b
[147] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[148] Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16
[149] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her Proverbs 31:11a
[150] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[151] As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
[152] For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
[153] For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
[154] This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
[155] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Mark 7:6
[156] A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
[157] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[158] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[159] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[160] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[161] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[162] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[163] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[164] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[165] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[166] That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; I Thessalonians 4:4
[167] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[168] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[169] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[170] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[171] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[172] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[173] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
[174] The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, Deuteronomy 28:56
[175] Come down, and sit in the dust, O virgin daughter of Babylon, sit on the ground: there is no throne, O daughter of the Chaldeans: for thou shalt no more be called tender and delicate. Isaiah 47:1
[176] And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. Genesis 29:18
[177]Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[178] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[179] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[180] For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself. Genesis 24:65
[181] And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. Genesis 26:7
[182] Some wives are more interested in making love than their
husbands. In that case, he must be careful to meet her needs.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the
husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye
not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give
yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt
you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
Scripture calls it fraud if either party
fails to meet the other’s physical needs. This leaves them open to temptation.
[183] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[184] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[185] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
[186] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[187] But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:9
[188] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
[189] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
[190] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
[191] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[192] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
[193] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[194] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[195] And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
[196] Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
[197] He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10-12
[198] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[199] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[200] How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:14
[201] Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, 20By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; 21And having an high priest over the house of God; 22Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Hebrews 10:19-22
[202] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[203] Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13
[204] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[205] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[206]Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[207] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[208] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[209] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[210] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[211] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[212] For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself. Genesis 24:65
[213] And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. Genesis 26:7
[214] Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
[215] Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
[216]Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[217] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[218] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[219] There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number. 9My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:8-9
[220] That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. Romans 10:9
[221] Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
[222] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[223] So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: Ruth 4:13a
[224] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[225] If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. James 1:26
[226] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. I Corinthians 7:3-4
[227] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[228] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[229] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[230] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[231] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[232] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[233] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[234] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[235] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[236] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[237] And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: Luke 20:34
[238] The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him. Proverbs 31:1
[239] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[240] For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Romans 3:23
[241] Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. Luke 23:34a
[242] Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. James 4:8a
[243] And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12
[244] And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[245] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[246] And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[247] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[248] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[249] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[250] For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Matthew 7:2
[251] For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Matthew 7:2
[252] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[253] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[254] What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. I Corinthians 6:16
[255] For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. Ephesians 5:31
[256] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: Psalm 68:6a
[257] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[258] And when they found them not, they drew Jason and certain brethren unto the rulers of the city, crying, These that have turned the world upside down are come hither also; Acts 17:6
[259] Which shew the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and their thoughts the mean while accusing or else excusing one another;) Romans 2:15
[260] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[261] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
[262] God is angry with the wicked every day. Psalm 7:11
[263]As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: 11There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. Romans 3:10-11
[264] Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. I Peter 5:7
[265] Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5
[266] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:14-15
[267] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song 6:9a
[268] There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18
[269] Jesus wept. John 11:35
[270] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[271] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. Matthew 11:23
[272] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven, shalt be thrust down to hell. Luke 10:15
[273]He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 4Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. Isaiah 53:3-4
[274] Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
[275]Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works. Titus 2:14
[276] This is a faithful saying, and these things I will that thou affirm constantly, that they which have believed in God might be careful to maintain good works. These things are good and profitable unto men. Titus 3:8
[277] Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth. I Corinthians 10:24
[278] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[279] Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
[280] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. Song of Solomon 8:2
[281] And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:20
[282] Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:27
[283] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18, 20
[284] Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. I Thessalonians 5:11
[285] And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
[286] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[287] https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-politicization-of-motherhood-1509144044
[288] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[289] https://towardsdatascience.com/can-we-let-algorithm-take-decisions-we-cannot-explain-a4e8e51e2060
[290] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen, she also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[291] https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/04/190411154728.htm
[292] https://www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-mens-and-womens-brains-wired-differently-120713
[293] https://www.medicaldaily.com/brain-facts-know-and-share-men-have-lower-percentage-gray-matter-women-292530
[294] https://goflightmedicine.com/on-combat/
[295] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6422548/
[296] https://www.medicaldaily.com/menstruation-and-female-brain-how-fluctuating-hormone-levels-impact-cognitive-341788
[297] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4285578/
[298] If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
[299] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
[300] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[301] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[302] And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. Genesis 2:21-22
[303] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
[304] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
[305] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[306] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[307] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:3-5
[308] And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse; Matthew 1:5
[309] Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. James 4:8a
[310] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
[311] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[312] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[313] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:6
[314] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[315] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[316] Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23
[317] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences. II Corinthians 5:11
[318] And there was one Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Aser: she was of a great age, and had lived with an husband seven years from her virginity; 37And she was a widow of about fourscore and four years, which departed not from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. 38And she coming in that instant gave thanks likewise unto the Lord, and spake of him to all them that looked for redemption in Jerusalem. Luke 2:36-38
[319] For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Matthew 26:12
[320] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[321] And Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joses beheld where he was laid. Mark 15:47
[322] The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre. John 20:1
[323] These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren. Acts 1:14
[324] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3:4
[325] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[326] And God said to Solomon, Because this was in thine heart, and thou hast not asked riches, wealth, or honour, nor the life of thine enemies, neither yet hast asked long life; but hast asked wisdom and knowledge for thyself, that thou mayest judge my people, over whom I have made thee king: II Chronicles 1:11
[327] If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
[328] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[329] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[330] The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Psalm 37:23
[331] And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
[332] But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. Genesis 2:17
[333] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. Genesis 3:3
[334] And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, 11And be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. 15And he said unto the people, Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives. Exodus 19:10-11, 15
[335] And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. I Timothy 2:14
[336] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[337] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[338] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[339] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. I Peter 3:1-2
[340] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
posted by Bill Taylor at 11:20 AM
5 Comments:
You'r marriage will stand still, only with God's full of love
Yes obeying God's law brought blessings!!
Yes my father thank you so much for your words of God 🙏 am very happy for you and your work on God your welcome to visit in Uganda East Africa God bless you and your work on God
Thanks brother for deep sharing on marriage in fact it really inspirational, I would indeed love others to get an opportunity to read your message. May God give you more breath to write on this topic. Yes you will get many marriages started well but in between the lines things turns sour, probably it may be a man's or woman's fault. I am excited to read this artcle
Yes indeed wonderful words for a far leading marriage, thanks for sharing am so blessed. Many can try to drive their marriage by their own understanding but leaning and giving God an opportunity to lead your marriage can make it so lovely and God fearing.
Shalom brother Lukoye
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