Handling Offense, Disagreement, Division, or Anger At Work, in Families, in Church, or in the World
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God’s Plan for Reconciliation
God expects His church to come together in fellowship without offenses or anger:
That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. I Corinthians 12:25
He also told us how to resolve any disagreement, trespass, or offense. God’s plan for finding peace requires that we have a humble, practical willingness to deal with whatever robs the soul and spirit of peace and joy. Healing disagreement is important in any group, family, or church because we need each other:
And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; I Corinthians 12:26a
We can’t accomplish God’s purpose in our local church if the Body of Believers is divided or in anger.
Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth. Luke 11:17b
Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:4
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26
We must heal hurts fast because memories fade. These are God’s commands for restoring peace:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Matthew 18:15-17
The Scofield Reference Bible put the heading “CHURCH DISCIPLINE” before Mt. 18:15. This suggests that God’s process is only for matters that could throw someone out of church. That’s wrong - God’s plan works for anything that upsets you enough that you can’t ignore it.
· Trespass is a synonym for sin, intrude, infringe, or encroach. This includes offenses.
· Offense includes insult, attack, or anything that bothers or offends you.
What if you Don’t Heal Hurts as they Happen?
Anger and frustration build when hurts aren’t healed. We remember that we’re offended but may forget why we’re angry if we don’t settle offenses as fast as God requires. This is deadly in marriage, in churches, and at work. When anger spreads to an entire group, we must heal many people at once. Paul set the goal:
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
The goal is to put the anger behind and get the group working together to press toward the mark.
Settling a Group Offense God’s Way
Some fellow employees came to me about longstanding anger. I had no idea what the problem was and couldn’t get a straight story. That happened in Ephesus:
Some therefore cried one thing, and some another: for the assembly was confused: and the more part knew not wherefore they were come together. Acts 19:32 see also Acts 21:34
The fact that I wasn’t part of their group made it easier for them to accept me as moderator.
“I don’t care about facts.” I said. “It’s been building for years. We won’t bring up what happened; we’ll deal with feelings. We’ll say how we feel, one at a time. There are 4 rules. 1) Everybody has to be in this together, is there anyone else who should be here? 2) Only one thought, hurt, feeling, or idea per turn. 3) Don’t blame anyone. For it to get this bad, lots of people were involved. Don’t give names. If you say, ‘I was upset when he said…,’ that’s out of bounds. Say, ‘I was upset when I heard...’ or when this happened. 4) Only the person holding this Bible may speak; wait until it gets to you. Everybody got that?” They nodded.
As we went around the group, someone interrupted, “That’s not what I meant. I was trying to...”
“Wait your turn,” I said. “We need apologies. We need forgiveness. Without forgiveness, we can’t work together. When it’s your turn, if you’re sorry, we will forgive you, won’t we?” They agreed that they would.
After another round or two with apologies, I heard, “It’s OK now, we get it. We can work together.”
I went around the group, one at a time. “Is it over? Really over?” All but two said “Yes.” I asked, “Are you two still upset with each other?” When they said “Yes,” that made it a 1 on 1 Mt. 18 trespass.
Mt. 18 tells how to fix that. “Go get some coffee and work it out,” I told them. “Come back when you’ve made up. If you can’t, I’ll be happy to help. If the three of us can’t fix it, we’ll bring everybody in and fix it together. If we all can’t fix it, one of you will have to leave. Got that?”
They came back in a half-hour, full of teary smiles. It really was all over. God told us about this:
Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. Proverbs 26:20
Nobody would talk about how it happened – I think they were embarrassed – but it seemed that the two holdouts had gotten upset at each other years earlier and had been knifing each other to their colleagues.
Giving Offense Offends God
8 verses before giving us His reconciliation process, Jesus said that giving offense is a serious sin:
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 7Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! Matthew 18:6-7
Christians should be spiritual enough not to take offense when no offence is meant, and sometimes even when it is. People can become annoyed at you even if you don’t intend offense. Your intent doesn’t matter:
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Matthew 7:15-16
Your actions can bring destructive fruit even if you didn’t want to be a ravening wolf.
There are no excuses. Your intent doesn’t matter. Haven’t you ever told a child, “You didn’t break the window on purpose, but we want you to on purpose not break things.”
If someone is offended by what you did, God expects you to humble yourself and apologize even if you can’t see why they’re offended. Nobody expects you to be perfect; they expect you to be honest. I’ve never lost points by apologizing, not even to my children. It’s a good way to deal with offenses as God commands.
If you don’t understand why you offended someone, you’re likely to do it again. If someone won’t accept your apology, that’s on them, not on you.
Conflict at work costs businesses so much money that it’s been studied a lot. One way to keep discussions calm is to pause 10 seconds before answering when things are getting hot. Your goal isn’t to “win” the discussion; it’s to build the relationship, to edify. You can't do that when you're angry or if the other person is too upset to hear what you say. Pausing to think for 10 seconds helps improve your relationships.
Humble Yourself with the Doctrine of Partial Knowledge
We will all be judged by how closely we follow His Word, including His commands about reconciliation:
And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world. 48He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day. John 12:47-48
These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: 17And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath: for all these are things that I hate, saith the LORD. Zechariah 8:16-17
We can’t know the heart of another person (1 Sam. 16:7, Jn. 7:24, 2 Cor. 10:7). We may have no idea why they did what they did or what they meant by what they said. Consider Luke 7:36-50. Simon imagined evil of Jesus, “This man, if he were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner (Lk. 7:39b).” Simon had partial knowledge of the situation. He didn’t know:
· Jesus was God, He was also a man (Jn. 1:14).
· He didn’t come to condemn (Jn. 3:17), He came to seek and to save that which was lost (Lk. 19:10).
· Jesus knew that she was a sinner, but He came to die to save sinners like her (Ro. 5:8).
· The woman was sorry for her sins (Lk. 7:38).
· She had faith that Jesus would heal her sins if she came to Him (Lk. 7:50).
Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way. Romans 14:13
It’s not our job to judge. We’re to give the Gospel and warn based on Scripture (Gal. 6:1, Eph. 4:15). We give His Word; God holds them accountable whether they choose to hear or not (Eze. 3:18, 3:20, 33:6, 33:8).
“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken!” – Oliver Cromwell 1650
When you die, people will remember the very last thing they heard you say. Any words which wouldn’t please you as a last memory of you shouldn’t be said. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything:
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, / Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit / Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, / Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” ― Omar Khayyám
We Cannot Live without Law
All groups need some way to settle disputes. Drug dealers and street gangs throw bullets at each other because it’s cheaper and faster than going to court. American Indian tribes passed the “whisper pipe” around the circle. Only the person holding the pipe could talk, and pass it to the next.
My colleagues weren’t saved but they saw the need for apologies and forgiveness. We’re commanded:
Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. 4And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. Luke 17:3-4
God is serious about commanding us to forgive without limit; we’re forgiven only as we forgive others:
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
The Problem of Human Carnality
In 1 Cor. 3:1-7, Paul showed the difference between spiritual Christians and carnal Christians. Being carnal is another way to describe walking in the flesh. We all have our flesh-driven moments, even Paul (Ro. 7:14):
For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. 7Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. Romans 8:6-7
Japanese are about 1.5% Christian. Few Japanese have the Holy Spirit, but healing offenses was a matter of life and death. Annoying a sword-bearing samurai could get your head chopped off. If you offended too many people, you might be forced to commit suicide. They needed ways to restore harmony.
A few days after my brother entered 1st grade, an elegant gentleman knocked on the door. His card said “Head of the Block.” He told Mom that her son was not brushing his teeth after lunch because he had no toothbrush. The teacher sent a note home. Had she seen it? Mom found the note; it had a cartoon of a child brushing teeth. “I'm sorry,” she explained, “I thought I had to make sure he brushed his teeth before he went to school.” Huge smile. “We thought it was something like that,” he said, and bowed himself out.
This man was known as wise, sober, peaceful man who solved quarrels. My brother’s teacher asked the PTA to help find harmony with a round-eyed foreigner. The PTA discussed it and elevated the problem to the Head of the Block. The apostle Paul desired that there be no quarrels in Christ’s church; the Head of the Block desired that there be no quarrels in his community.
Even without Matthew 18, Japanese know that gossip can be deadly, but they also know that approaching someone who’d angered you could cause deadly offense. Talking to the Head of the Block wasn’t gossip by definition. He or his wife were often able to explain what might have been meant and stop it there. If not, they’d work tactfully behind the scenes to bring harmony.
The Japanese agree with Pr. 20:29b, “the beauty of old men is the grey head.” Serving the community by bringing peace was honored. They didn’t have our psychology terminology, but they understood people.
Confirmation bias: People value information that supports their beliefs and tend to ignore information that conflicts with their beliefs. Atheists aren’t interested when I show them how scientific discoveries support the Bible. The more a wise man learns, the better he understands his ignorance.
Stereotypes: People tend to judge others by first impressions. It’s difficult and time-consuming to learn enough about another person to judge righteous judgment; it’s a lot easier to put them in a compartment based on a few obvious characteristics and move on.
Pride: Most people hate to admit that they’re wrong. As Elon Musk put it, “It’s a lot easier to fool people than to convince them that they’ve been fooled.” Apologizing can be very humbling.
Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way. Romans 14:13
American law states that government can’t override your “strongly-held convictions” without a very good reason. Baptists call this “individual soul liberty” in saying that each person has the right to their own convictions. It can be difficult to get along with Christians whose convictions are different from ours.
Going ‘round the table hearing all the feelings, hurts, and anger cuts through bias, stereotypes, and misunderstanding. It can be humbling, but shows the power of love and relationships.
Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! James 3:5
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9
It’s better to keep your temper, watch your tongue, and avoid upset in the first place:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
God Requires Quick Resolution (Eph. 4:26)
American law defines “statute of limitations.” Charges can’t be brought after a certain amount of time because memories become confused and it’s impossible to find truth. God commands us to deal with every offense we can’t ignore before the sun goes down the day it happens while memories are fresh.
Mt. 18:16 requires that “every word may be established.” This is not a fact-based judicial proceeding:
Then both the men, between whom the controversy is, shall stand before the LORD, before the priests and the judges, which shall be in those days; 18And the judges shall make diligent inquisition: and, behold, if the witness be a false witness, and hath testified falsely against his brother; 19Then shall ye do unto him, as he had thought to have done unto his brother: so shalt thou put the evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 19:17-19
Courts and judges must find truth. Offenses and anger often have nothing to do with truth. It’s rare for anyone to make someone else angry on purpose. It may be a misunderstanding, someone might have been careless or thoughtless, or might not have known that someone would be bothered. Mt. 18:17 speaks of establishing “every word” to include feelings and perceptions along with any truth we can find.
Preventing Offenses
Follow God’s process. Many complain to other people instead of going to the person who did it. Seneca said, “He who gossips to you gossips of you.” When you hear anyone criticize someone else, say something like:
“You’re upset, but God forbids me to hear you. God expects you to go to the person who bothered you and discuss it, just the two of you. If that can’t settle it, I’ll be glad to come with you for the second step of God’s process, but until you two discuss it, the Bible says I can’t listen to you.”
Reconciliation is vital for married couples, churches, or anywhere people work together. If you don’t settle offenses, anger builds. You’ll eventually explode when something small pushes you over the edge.
“Angry people are not always wise.” – Pride and Prejudice
It’s no sin to have righteous anger, but we must deal with offenses in God’s way. By the time anger builds to an explosion, nobody remembers what happened; all we have is anger, hurt, and frustration.
That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. I Corinthians 12:25
God doesn’t command the impossible, but we have to follow His plan to heal offenses and prevent schism. Mt. 18:15-17, like most of God’s commands, is very simple to understand and very difficult to do. Consider:
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. Matthew 5:44-45
Which is easier, loving your enemies, or making peace with your brothers and sisters in Christ?
Moderator Background
Why are we here? Whatever reasons you or I may give, The Bible tells us that our being here is of God:
If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling? 18But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. I Corinthians 12:17-18
It pleased God to bring each of us here, and God values each of us equally:
For there is no respect of persons with God. Romans 2:11 see also Acts 10:34, Col. 3:25
God expects His church to come together without offenses or anger:
That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. I Corinthians 12:25
When God gives a difficult command, He tells us how to do it. Rapid resolution is necessary because memories fade. These are God’s commands for restoring peace:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Matthew 18:15-17
The Scofield Reference Bible put the heading “CHURCH DISCIPLINE” before Mt. 18:15. This suggests that God’s process is only for matters that could throw someone out of church. That’s wrong - God’s plan works for anything that upsets you enough that you can’t ignore it.
· Trespass is a synonym for sin, intrude, infringe, or encroach. This includes offenses.
· Offense includes insult, attack, or anything that bothers or offends you.
When you don’t clear up offenses, anger builds and relationships don’t work as well. God tells us not to judge by appearance, but to judge righteous judgment (Jn. 7:24). As America gets more diverse, people may offend you without meaning to, and there is value in learning why. My parents were missionaries, I grew up in Japan. Although I sound and look like an American, my wife has found differences.
When I first asked her out, she said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should get married. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”
God made every woman to be a treasure for some man, and she knew it! If she decided she wanted to be my treasure, I’d be a fool not to marry her. I said “sure” and we walked to a restaurant.
On the way there I did something very Japanese that made her really angry. She was tempted to walk back to the church, jump in her car, and drive home, but she thought about it. “He’s smitten with me,” she thought. “He didn’t offer to buy me food to make me mad. But I am mad. Must have been an accident.” She asked me, “Why did you do that?” It was something she’d never have imagined, but she liked it. I was attracted to her, she’d put marriage on the table, if she’d driven off, I’d have been badly hurt. Even if we did eventually marry, I’d have had trouble trusting her. Doing Matthew 18 got her a husband!
There’s another reason to do Mt. 18 – what offends you will probably offend others. If you don’t talk about it, they’ll probably do it again. I’ve been me long enough to know that I can irritate people without knowing why. That’s not my plan, but it's how it often happens.
I worked at a large bank for 10 years and ate lunch at my desk. About 5 years in, they hired a young man with whom I enjoyed talking. I'd eat in the lunch room and play cribbage.
Maybe 2 weeks later, my boss told me, "Don't try to be friends with them, it won’t work." Sure enough, they moved the game to a room where the table didn't have room for me. I went back to eating at my desk.
When I asked my boss, “Why?” I got, “Bill, you’ll never understand.” Maybe not, but without explanation, how can I learn? That’s another reason to obey God and talk about what offended you. Very few people try to annoy others on purpose. How can they learn unless they hear? How can they hear unless you tell them?
I don’t care about facts. Anger has been building for years. We won’t bring up what happened; we’ll deal with feelings. We’ll say how we feel, one at a time. There are 4 rules. 1) Everybody has to be in this together, is there anyone else who should be here? 2) Only one thought, hurt, feeling, or idea per turn. 3) Don’t blame anyone. For it to get this bad, lots of people were involved. Don’t give names. If you say, ‘I was upset when he said…,’ that’s out of bounds. Say, ‘I was upset when I heard...’ or when this happened. 4) Only the person who has the floor may speak; wait until it’s your turn. Everybody got that?
Let’s begin.
posted by Bill Taylor at 8:35 PM
1 Comments:
Wow.... I like this.
We really need reconciliation.
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