The Lesson of Leah – Having a Man’s Baby Won’t Make Him Marry You
Feel free to use this material in any way that supports His cause! TheLessonOfLeah.doc can be downloaded from the shared library to make it easy for you to send quotes to friends.
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1JQV9oEZwRL_H7Whck66UuRGruJQ2nfyk?usp=sharingMany posts are avaialble as paperbacks or Kindle books on our author page https://www.amazon.com/Bill-and-Roberta-Taylor/e/B09DTMSHT8/
Introduction
Scripture shows what drives men to marry. Jacob loved Rachel the moment he saw her (Gen. 29:18[1]) and worked for Laban for 7 years to earn the right to take her to wife:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Why was he willing to do that? He wanted her that badly. Women can never understand a man’s physical drive any more than a man can understand how a mother feels about children, but she needs to know this about men. This verse tells how God intended that marriage should work:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
- Isaac supplied the tent. If a man’s offer to a woman doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical, and a woman shouldn’t consider it. Without that level of commitment it probably won’t last, even if the family and culture force marriage.
- Taking Rebekah made her his wife because he had committed himself to nourish and cherish her when Abraham’s servant set out to find her long before he took her to wife. Taking her without marriage would have turned her into an object or an interchangeable sex toy.
- Isaac loved her and then she was able to comfort him. God created women to be great comfort to their husbands, but a man must first be publically committed to her and then convince his wife that he loves her more than life itself. Then she can comfort him. Pr. 31:28-29[2] and the Song of Solomon teach men how to do that by looking for ways to praise and appreciate her both privately and in public (Pr. 31:31[3]). Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife, not once.
If a man belongs to his wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 2:16[4], 6:3[5]), she will delight in belonging to him (Song 7:10[6]) as her mother advises (Song 8:2-3[7]). This will convince both of them that she belongs to him. If she’s his, her happiness belongs to him in that he will find that making her happy makes him happier than anything he can do for himself.
The book of Ecclesiastes is Solomon’s lament that everything he did was vanity and chasing after wind. This was because he did it everything for himself:
I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: Ecclesiastes 2:4
If a woman belongs to her husband, he can pour his life into nourishing and cherishing her and their children. That’s not vanity because it’s for others. Nothing straightens a man like having a woman lean on him. Caring for a woman gives meaning to a man’s life; having her pay “her share” of the rent doesn’t.
Surveys of unmarried couples show that the women believe they’ll marry “in a year or two,” but the men don’t think they’ll marry. A woman may get tired of waiting and have a baby to get him to marry her.
Having a man’s baby doesn’t make a man love her enough to marry her. When Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah instead of Rachel, the Bible tells us that Leah was hated (Gen. 29:31) and Rachel was loved. Leah thought that giving Jacob a son would make him love her:
And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years. And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing. Genesis 29:30-35
By the time her 4th son was born, Leah realized that having Jacob’s sons wouldn’t make him love her. Abraham, father of Jews and Arabs and honored by both, didn’t marry all the women who had his babies:
But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 25:6
Abraham, the Friend of God (2 Chr. 20:7[8], Isa. 41:8[9]), got at least two women pregnant besides his wives. Did he marry them? No, he sent them away (Gen. 24:73[10]).
If a woman wants marriage, the only sensible way to get a man to help raise her children, she must marry before letting him have her. If a woman says she wants to marry but gives herself without marrying, he feels she's a liar. Marriage means nothing or she’d insist on it instead of giving herself. If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else if he marries?
If he can have her without marriage, what would marrying her give him that he doesn’t already have? Why should he take on the heavy responsibility of her and children if he doesn’t have to? Men know little about women, how does a man know whom to marry? If he can have her without marriage, she isn't worth marrying. If he can't, he’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough.
Intimacy without commitment is like icing without cake. It can be sweet, but ends up making you sick. The rewards of Pr. 31 are for a virtuous woman, not for one who’s given away her virtue.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
A woman sets her price by what she does. If her price is a few dinners or movies, she worth little. If her price is that he dedicate his life to taking care of her before having her, she can be a priceless treasure.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
What a woman does shouts so loudly that a man can’t hear what she says.
A man will marry if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her.
Unmarried Couples
Couples live together without marrying because of parents’ failure to teach them how to create strong marriages which are safe places for children to grow up. Husbands to love wives as Christ loves His people:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
A father’s love nourishes wives, teaches sons how to treat wives and other women, and teaches daughters what to require of men (1 Tim. 5:2[11]). Women who expect honor, respect, and value wouldn’t live with a man without marriage, but many find themselves in this position.
How does a woman who wants to marry persuade her boyfriend? If he has her without marriage, why take responsibility? Society may accept this, but both partners are disobeying God who forbids fornication:
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. II Corinthians 6:18
In most such cases, the woman wishes to marry while the man is reluctant. Such reluctance is often well-founded; many couples who live together for years break up soon after they wed.
Why would a stable couple break up after a wedding? An unhappy woman may cling to her “happily ever after” dream. She thinks that marriage will make him value her more. Once they’re married and he doesn’t treat her better, she knows her dream couldn’t happen because he never valued her beyond a toy.
Few realize that the way a man treats a woman determines whether she likes belonging to him. When a man honors and respects a woman, she’s free give herself to him as a love gift. It’s not something she owes him or that he demands. Giving herself by demand instead of by love makes her feel like a whore. She needs to be able to choose to be glad to give herself instead of just being taken.
There’s another problem in that many men expect a woman to act and think as he would whatever arises. He expects her to be an intellectual and emotional clone of him, without admitting that when God created them “male and female,” He made them very different[12].
On top of that, “Opposites attract.” A woman who’s very neat in her housekeeping may marry a man who creates messes everywhere, and vice versa. A shy man may attract an outgoing woman and vice versa. Such differences often make it impossible for a wife to operate like her man, and his trying to make her do that frustrates them both. He has to back off and let her be as God made her. He must choose to value the gifts and abilities God chose to give her. She can’t expect him to act as she would either.
Men are possessive. A man expects his wife to open herself to him whenever he wants her. He dreams of 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his plan. Not all men have this much drive, but having a wife encourage him and tell him that they could do it more often if he exercised to get into better shape is a major encouragement.
If she isn’t his, if he can’t have her when he’s able to, he feels cheated, particularly if she was his before the wedding. Women are possessive – she wants him to open his heart to her when she wants to talk. She may need hours of two-way conversation per day, at least 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.
Men fear that if they give the security of marriage, the woman will trade her favors to get her way instead of giving herself willingly. Bartering favors is whoredom, but many women do it when they feel it’s the only way to express their wants or their basic artistic, musical, decorating, or other desires such as children. A man who doesn’t trust his woman to be his doesn’t want her to feel secure enough to bargain.
All women are sensitive to criticism from men, but wives are more sensitive than roommates. When he criticizes his wife with the same words and tones as before, her hurt is greater. Remarks that wouldn’t bother her before marriage hurt so much that they can drive her away. A man must be gentler with his wife than with his roommate; it’s hard to change habits from living with her before marriage.
This can happen with any couple when the wife decides to obey God and be submissive. It’s a long-term uphill struggle for a woman to give up leadership and independence in each area of her life and rely on her husband. This is especially difficult if he’s inclined to oppress or micromanage her.
It can be hard on a wife who wants to help her husband but he won’t use her help. Even if he’s willing to be helped, he may not explain his plans clearly enough for her to follow effectively. Some men pay vendors whom they trust to do things their way instead of explaining to their wives.
Women may think submitting means they can no longer be persons with their own thoughts and feelings, but will become a servant or clone. Some believe this through experience and some have seen men treat women in this un-Biblical manner. That shouldn’t be so—a wife is meant to be a vital part of her husband’s life who uses her intelligence, skills, gifts, talents, and abilities to build her home, build up her husband, encourage his leadership, help him in his work, and serve the Lord’s work under his guidance.
This is learned behavior. He must learn her strengths so he can rely on her initiative; she must learn to help him and to follow him. It may help if she says, “My husband, I realize that God wants me to belong to you and that I haven’t been yours. I promise to try my best before God and before you to be fully yours. I have developed bad habits over the years that came before I realized how God wanted me to behave. Please be patient with me as I struggle to be the wife God wants me to be.”
Submitting makes a woman more sensitive by taking away her independence, so a wife becomes more sensitive to criticism the more she submits. A man should never criticize a woman, especially when she’s struggling to belong to him. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.
Few women are taught just how physically-driven men are. Women are often attracted to strong men because they’re likely to live long enough to help get children ready for independent lives. Women think in terms of times per month or perhaps week, a man usually wants more than she. If his wife frustrates him enough, he may let his body get out of shape or gain weight so that he can’t do it as often and won’t be as frustrated. God seldom gives him the strength to do it as often as he’d like, but that’s his plan:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Many women who submit once a month feel that they’re absolutely submissive; there’s no way a man could possibly want more. When we were discussing a couple’s retreat we’d attended, a woman told my wife, “My husband isn’t driven like that” while watching her husband indicating vehement disagreement without saying anything. The next time we saw them, it was obvious he’d convinced her – she acted differently because belonging to a man calms a woman. Anyone who knows her can see the change.
A husband must learn new speech patterns as his wife learns to be his. A woman can’t change overnight, nor does the change proceed steadily. Learning to lean on her husband is frightening, particularly if she’s spent years of independent married life. Some days she’s his, other days she’s back to her old self. Giving her loving support through the change and assuming leadership only as she gives it up teaches her husband why love is called ‘longsuffering’ in I Corinthians 13:1-8, but in the end, he has a wife who delights in belonging to him, a gift which all husbands should have but which few receive.
A woman wants to share her husband’s life by helping him in his work or in anything he wants to do, but she also wants him to share in what she does. Having him sit in the kitchen and talk with her, or better yet, do some chopping as she prepares meals lightens her burden of guiding the house.
She has to be intelligent about accepting his help. The chance of his doing it the way she would is close to zero. If she complains, he’ll stop trying to help. Remember Proverbs 31:26 “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”
Insisting on Marriage
The woman usually wants marriage so it’s up to her to get it. A man marries if he wants a woman badly and marriage is the only way to have her; few men buy what they can rent, few rent what’s available free.
God expects a man to honor a woman enough to set her apart from all other women by marrying her before having her. If a man doesn’t value her enough to do that, it’s going to be hard to persuade him to value her that much after having her for nothing while she paid “her share” of the rent.
That is going to make it very hard for him to be willing to accept responsibility by marrying. A woman who decides to push for marriage must realize that she could lose him entirely.
Lovingly but firmly, she must say, “Unmarried sex is wrong before God and before man. You know that as well as I. I love you and want to give my life to you, but I will no longer give you my body outside marriage. Marry me, and I solemnly promise that I will belong to you. I will live on your income and follow your leadership. As my husband, you may have me whenever you want me even when I don’t want you, but without marriage, you may no longer have me at all.” Say that and separate from him sexually!
This is difficult unless she walks out the door. Walking out is hard, particularly if she has no place to go. Her body likes attention and cutting off sex is difficult, especially if she loves him. Most women don’t particularly want touching until after they’ve been touched, then they want it badly from time to time.
If touching comes after marriage, a woman can give herself in confidence that he’s committed to her. If touching comes without marriage, she fears he’ll abandon her and has trouble controlling her desire for his touch even if it has become rottenness to her bones. It’s better to stay chaste until marriage - giving herself even once makes it hard not to give herself again.
He won’t believe her unless she stops. He’ll think she’s tricking him into marriage. Having had her, he knows the tricks to make her fall and tries to get her again. If she surrenders, she’s lost.
Women who give sex without marriage know they’re not respected. Obeying Christ’s command with respect to sex or trying to get out of a relationship which isn’t working isn’t manipulation. Adopting a path of virtue is the best way to get him to value and respect her enough to marry her in sincerity and truth.
He’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her.
If he doesn’t marry her, she’ll want to marry someone else. She knows the pain of giving herself and her heart without marriage. That should give her strength to tell another man, “No, that mistake hurts, and never again. No sex until we’re married and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.”
Holy Matrimony is a Sacred Covenant Sealed with Blood
A woman who’s trying to repent of sexual sin will be encouraged by God’s provision for such situations.
God planned that the marriage covenant be sealed with blood. Mal.2:14 refers to “the wife of thy covenant.” “Thy covenant” refers to the husband. A man offers his marriage covenant to the woman. If she accepts his covenant, they’re married when he takes her to wife after a public declaration to God before witnesses. What matters is the desire of their hearts. If they intend to marry from their hearts, if they mean to sanctify each other before God and others, joining is holy and pure, otherwise it’s polluted.
Blood is very important to God. We Christians are sanctified through the blood of Jesus Christ:
By the which will we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. Hebrews 10:10
Wherefore Jesus also, that he might sanctify the people with his own blood, suffered without the gate. Hebrews 13:21
Blood was very important to God from the time He chose Abraham to be the first of His people:
Whereupon neither the first testament was dedicated without blood. For when Moses had spoken every precept to all the people according to the law, he took the blood of calves and of goats, with water, and scarlet wool, and hyssop, and sprinkled both the book, and all the people, saying, This is the blood of the testament which God hath enjoined unto you. Moreover he sprinkled with blood both the tabernacle, and all the vessels of the ministry. And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission. Hebrews 9:18-22
Moses sprinkled the book of the law, that is, the Bible, and sprinkled the people as a sign that they would obey the Word of God. All of the equipment of the temple was sanctified to God by being sprinkled with blood. The Bible then says, “And almost all things are by the law purged with blood…” (Hebrews 9:22).
God created all things from a plan, He did nothing by accident. A woman sheds blood on three different occasions. The first time a man takes a woman, her blood is shed. This blood, which the Bible calls “tokens of her virginity,” sanctifies her marriage covenant if he takes her in marriage, otherwise shedding her blood profanes God’s sacred marriage covenant. They aren’t married until he takes her to wife (Gen. 24:67[13]); his marriage covenant takes effect when sealed with her blood.
Abraham, the weaker party, gave up animals to provide blood to seal God’s covenant with him (Gen. 15). The woman, the weaker party, gives up her innocence to provide blood to seal her husband’s marriage covenant with her (Deu. 22:20-21[14]). She loses her innocence and learns about men, but she does not lose her purity. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled.” If he takes her to wife, she keeps her purity, otherwise she gives her purity away and they’re both defiled.
Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. 16What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. I Corinthians 6:15-16
There’s more sanctification in marriage than just the marriage covenant alone:
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. I Corinthians 7:14
A woman sheds blood to sanctify her marriage covenant and sheds blood to sanctify her children, that is, to set them apart and make them holy, by shedding blood when giving birth. There’s no need to baptize babies, they’ve been sanctified to God by their mother’s shed blood. Childbearing sanctifies the mother:
Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. I Timothy 2:15
Every month she’s not pregnant or nursing, a woman’s womb cleans itself with blood at the end of her cycle. Her blood purifies her womb to prepare a place where God can mold and make a sanctified child. Every month, a woman who’s fallen into sin has a chance to start over again in purity if she repents from fornication and stops doing it. That is far easier said than done, but she has a way forward:
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
The blood a woman sheds is important to God, but how many Christians respect it? How many Christian men honor and sanctify by marrying her first and treating her as a gift (1 Thess. 4:3-6[15])? How many Christian couples pollute God’s sacred marriage covenant with the “lust of concupiscence?”
The physical side of marriage is holy and pure (Heb. 13:4[16]). There’s no reason to be shy; there is no reason not to teach it; we should respect and honor it. God not only made marriage honorable, He gave women a path to recover from polluting His marriage covenant and press toward His mark in purity.
[1] And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. Genesis 29:18
[2] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[3] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
[4] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[5] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[6] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[7] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[8] Art not thou our God, who didst drive out the inhabitants of this land before thy people Israel, and gavest it to the seed of Abraham thy friend for ever? II Chronicles 20:7
[9] But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend. Isaiah 41:8
[10] But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 24:73
[11] The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
[12] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#thinkDifferent
[13] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[14] But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: 21Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:20-21
[15] For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: 4That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. I Thessalonians 4:3-6
[16] Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4
posted by Bill Taylor at 1:14 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home