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There are two versions of this initial message. The first is 30 minutes; the longer version is about 90 minutes.

Introduction – the Role of the Pastor

2 Cor. 11:2 teaches that the church is the bride of Christ. John the Baptist’s message to Jews is the same as a pastor’s message to his church. When John heard that Jesus’ disciples were baptizing and that “all men come to him (Jn. 3:26),” John could have been jealous, but he humbly explained his God-given role:

Ye yourselves bear me witness, that I said, I am not the Christ, but that I am sent before him. ²⁹He that hath the bride is the bridegroom: but the friend of the bridegroom, which standeth and heareth him, rejoiceth greatly because of the bridegroom's voice: this my joy therefore is fulfilled. ³⁰He must increase, but I must decrease. John 3:28-30

John said that God had sent him before the Christ to proclaim Him as Messiah. The church is the bride and Jesus Christ is the bridegroom in the “marriage supper of the Lamb (Rev. 19:9).” John couldn’t preach our Gospel of Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection because it hadn’t happened yet. In preaching the Gospel of Repentance, John proclaimed the Messiah. If the Jews had accepted Christ as Messiah, they would have been married to Him as Christians are today (Ro. 7:4). As the friend of the Bridegroom, John heard “the bridegroom's voice (Jn. 3:29)” which filled him with joy.

As Abraham and Moses were friends of God (Ex. 33:11, 2 Chr. 20:7, Is. 41:8), pastors are called by God to be friends of the Bridegroom. As Christ’s friend, you rejoice as Christ speaks to you and to your people through your messages, Bible reading, and prayer. Christ must increase in us and we must crucify the flesh in our lives (Eph. 4:22, Col. 3:9). Growth in Christ from hearing the Bridegroom continues the “good work” that begins when we accept the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior and continues “until the day of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:6).”

This is how we “Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you (Jam. 4:8).” We make the first move in asking Him to increase so that we can decrease. Increasing Him helps us enjoy the Fruit of the Spirit:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, ²³Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. ²⁴And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. Galatians 5:22-24

Christ increases in us as we crucify the flesh. All our relationships: marriage, church, and work, improve as we grow in love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. ⁶In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Trusting God’s leadership instead of trusting our own is another way to have Him increase as we decrease.

Welcome, my brothers in Christ!

God gave us both salvation and marriage. If we try to get to Heaven our own way, we go to Hell when we die. If we try to do marriage our own way, we can make life Hell on earth. Our marriages show lost people how God cares for His people. Our churches can’t grow without being built on solid marriages.

Romans 7:4 uses the word “married” to describe the tie between a born-again Christian and Christ. Holy Matrimony is your most powerful testimony. We Christians show Christ to unbelievers (2 Cor. 5:20). The way Christian husbands nourish and cherish their wives shows the lost how Christ blesses His people. When lost people see that Christian marriages are no better than theirs, when we can’t handle this life any better than they can, we damage the picture of Christ’s care for us. Why should they hear what we say about the life to come? Christian divorce and unhappy Christian marriages wreck our testimony and dishonor Christ.

When Christians pour the grace of salvation into marriages, lost people see us passing God’s love, forgiveness, and grace back and forth. They’ll see that we’re much better off in this life than they are. God has given us the privilege and honor of telling everyone how to get God’s grace for themselves.

There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven like having a woman like belonging to him. As her God-ordained leader, he must convince her that he loves her and that he’s glad to belong to her and glad to care for her. This shows her Christ’s love for her and for him. Seeing Christ’s love in action draws the lost.

If a Christian wife doesn’t like belonging to her husband, why should the lost want to belong to Christ?

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1

Emotion is the cement God gave every woman to build her house and hold her family together. Women build the house of God. When a couple visits a church, if the wife sees that the women are nervous or not appreciated, she won’t want to return. If they’re loved and led gently, she’ll want her husband to learn how.

Marriage is simpler than we think. God gave us one Bible verse which tells us how to build a marriage that gives both parties a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.

Holy Matrimony until death is Vital to Society

Every stable culture helps men and women build safe homes where children can grow up to be productive adults. We have arranged marriages where husband and wife meet for the first time on their wedding day. In some places the bride’s family pays a dowry to set the new couple up in a new home. In some cultures the husband’s family pays a bride price to reimburse her family for the cost of raising and educating her.

Every culture must raise most kids to be productive adults. If that doesn’t happen, society collapses.

God’s purpose in bringing men and women together is for His servants to raise children to give Him more servants. When marriages fall apart, God doesn’t have to do anything to make society suffer. In his book “Sex and Culture” Dr. Unwin wrote in 1914, “The sexual behavior of women before marriage is the decisive factor in cultural success. Men are mainly motivated by sex. If they can get it without marriage, they contribute less to society.” He’s certainly right about that.

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21

Jacob worked 7 years to marry Rachel because he wanted her. Caring for a wife is a lot of work. Raising children is a lot of work. A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough. If he can have her without marriage, however, marrying would bring him a lot of trouble without giving him anything he doesn’t have.

God expects older women to teach younger women about men (Titus 2:3-5). God led my wife to explain that a husband’s goal is 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God doesn’t often give him that much strength, but that’s a man’s plan. 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.

Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man “has humbled” a woman by taking her, that’s part of the cost of a man in her life. When they hear 5 times, a girl who hasn’t even dated understands that doing that will wipe out her independence and make her belong totally to her husband. They get upset until my wife reminds them that a woman wants her husband to open his heart to her in open talk at least that often. Girls know that having a man open his heart makes him belong to her. Giving his life for her life is OK.

Opening her body makes a wife belong to her husband. Opening his heart makes him belong to his wife.

Marriage is Simple – the Bible Explains Marriage in One Verse

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67

· Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well for her.

· She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they had both made public marriage vows before he took her.

· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting him is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced and reminded that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him, but this requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation as taught in the Song of Solomon.

80-90% of how a marriage works out depends on how a man treats his wife after they marry, but 80% of that depends on how high she and he set her value by protecting her virtue before they marry (Pr. 31:10).

Isaac Loved Rebekah

Older women are told to teach younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4) because men are very much alike – what comforts one man will make just about any man feel loved, and it’s simple enough that the Bible explains it in one verse (Song 8:3). There is no simple formula for making a wife feel loved because women are so very different from each other, but the Bible describes the result. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye when sending them back to their families to find husbands, she prayed:

The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a

Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without modern machinery. In a muscle-powered society with no welfare system, wives depend on husbands for food. Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, of course, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that their husbands valued and appreciated them as taught in the Song of Solomon.

Watching any couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women experience this instead:

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7

A man can say he loves a woman and provide for her without giving his heart. God has the same problem:

This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8

Naomi wanted each daughter to find a husband who poured his heart into nourishing and cherishing her. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7) – wives also appreciate cheerful giving.

Women share their hearts all the time in helping other women bear the burdens of husbands, children, and guiding houses (1 Tim. 5:14). They must be taught that it’s as frightening for a man to open his heart as for a woman to open her body. A man’s emotions are as powerful as a woman’s. Japanese say “One hair of a woman's head pulls more strongly than ten yoke of oxen” and Chinese say that a man in love rides a wild horse. Many men are afraid to open their hearts for fear of being hurt or vexed:

And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16

Emotions scare a man. Although he may declare his love, he may not admit his love to himself.

Don’t be like the Apostle Peter

Peter saw Jesus weep and grieve over the cities of Israel (Mt. 11:23, 23:37, Lk. 10:15, 13:34). Peter did not want the sorrow of loving people and seeing them fall away (Jn. 11:35) so he hid his emotions from himself.

John 21:15-19 tells how Jesus asked three times whether Peter loved Jesus. Peter finally admitted to filios, brotherly love. Did Jesus' questions make Peter love Him? No, Peter already loved Jesus – he wept bitterly when he betrayed Jesus (Mt. 26:75) – but knowing how love can lead to sorrow, he didn't want to feel his love.

If a man won’t admit to himself that he loves his wife, he can’t convince her he loves her. She’ll worry that he’ll run off with someone else and won’t be able to comfort him as he expects. Opening herself makes her more sensitive to his feelings about her. If he values her skills, feelings, thoughts, and everything else about her, feeling loved more strongly makes her happy. She won’t mind being humbled and will be glad to see his delight in her. If she isn’t secure in his valuing her, she won’t want to feel his negative feelings more strongly.

A woman has a thousand thousand ways to deflect her husband’s desire, but the fault is often his. She can’t make him any happier than he makes her. A man finds happiness in marriage by convincing his wife that he loves her and that he’s truly happy to care for her. Words are cheap; love requires action.

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18

Serving your wife as Jesus commands (Mk. 9:35, 10:4) shows love. That makes her happy with him which makes him happy. The Song of Songs starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10

Women are made for men (Gen. 2:18, 1 Cor. 11:9), so a wife generally cares more about pleasing her husband than he cares about pleasing her. The Bible warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24, 27:15) that an unhappy wife is a hardship; some say, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22

Men, don’t dry your wife’s bones. Can you assume that she wants to please you? She can’t please you if she doesn’t know what you want. The only way she can be confident of pleasing you is for you to open your heart often enough and in enough detail for her to learn your ways and your wants in detail.

When a woman can’t please her husband no matter how she tries, we often see death in her eyes, even in photos. Men, if you want to be happy in marriage, be happy with your wife. That makes her happy. There is no joy this side of Heaven that compares with having your wife be glad to belong to you.

Isaac Loved Rebekah and then He was Comforted

Rebekah was able to comfort Isaac after he convinced her that he loved her.

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10

His physical desire seems strange to her, so the wife asks her mother for advice about her husband:

I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. ³His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3

Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather do something else is what submission means. She has far more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his sexual energy. That makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he'll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28).

A man can't praise his wife in such detail without paying close attention to her. Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.

How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and constantly looked for things to appreciate instead? That is the essence of the Song. Jesus premised us rest:

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

A bride takes on the yoke of pleasing her husband. He must live with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7). He gets this knowledge by hours and hours of daily open-hearted talk. This opens his heart to her, makes his yoke easy and his burden light, and convinces her that he belongs to her as taught in the Song.

So What should you Teach?

A pastor must be “apt to teach (1 Tim. 3:2, 2 Tim. 2:24).” Older women must teach younger women, but many older women say they don’t know what to say. Teach your wives to teach about 5 times and about a wife’s need for her husband to open his heart often enough to belong to her. A woman must know her needs so she can test a man to see if he’ll overcome his fears enough to belong to her. Women must quote this:

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a

A man can trust his heart to a virtuous woman. If she replies “Yes, sir” as the spirit moves her, he’ll be confident that she’ll respect him in spite of his mistakes. If she gives herself whenever he wants her, he’ll be convinced that she belongs to him. God made men possessive. Being his helps him trust her and also makes him want to take care of her as men take care of whatever they value – car, fishing pole, tools, wife….

When I first asked my future wife for a date, she said, “Before you spend money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should get married. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”

Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart. When a woman lets herself fall in love with a man who won’t marry her, she’s crusin’ for a brusin’, she’s in for a world of hurt.

Every man knows in his heart that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that’s why men pursue women. I liked her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband! She had no idea what being my treasure would mean, but I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me. If she meant that, I’d be a fool not to marry her, so I said, “Sure.” We married 5 months later.

Teach that a virtuous wife “openeth her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr. 31:26).” A man who’s emotionally involved with a woman can be hurt terribly by her words even if he won’t admit it. Why would she do anything that will make it harder for him to admit to himself that he loves her?

Remind women to keep themselves “pure and unspotted (Jas. 1:27).” When women commit fornication or leave their homes for work, there’s less reason for men to be sexually pure or to work hard to provide for their families. Their incentive is weakened. Nothing straightens a man like having a woman lean on him.

A wife who wants her husband to convince her that he loves her should strive to make it easy for him to love her by belonging to him and by watching her tongue, but he must appreciate, value, and act on her talk. God gave us an example of woman-type talk:

When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19

Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream. He should have paid attention to her feelings.

What About Men?

We’ve talked about what you need to teach your wives to teach other women; here’s what you need to teach men. Women are made for men (1 Cor. 11:8-9) and a wife wants to please her husband (1 Cor. 7:34). Around 90% of the success in a marriage is based on how a man treats his wife.

God gave your wife sensitive emotions so that she wants you to be pleased with her (1 Cor. 7:34) and so that she’ll know whether you’re pleased or not. Her emotions make her a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex your soul to death (Jud. 16:16), multiply your unhappiness, and give all your unhappiness back to you. If you give her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply the happiness you give her and fill your house with the light of your joy in her. Men and their sons reap what they sow to the woman guiding the house, very quickly. A man must teach his sons to honor and appreciate their mother and sisters. If a meal turns into a kitchen disaster, for example, they must appreciate it, help clean up, and eat it, if only for the sake of the effort she put into it.

Most of the book of Proverbs is a father’s advice to his son. Chapters 2 and 5 warn men about non-virtuous women. Chapter 31 is King Lemuel’s words, “the wisdom his mother taught him.”

Proverbs 31 wasn’t written to women, it was written to men. It tells a man what to expect of a virtuous woman. It’s easy to see if a woman is like that while courting. Mrs. Lemuel gave one command to men:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] ²⁹Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29

Mrs. Lemuel taught that her son should praise his wife and teach his children to follow his example of praising her and appreciating her. Praise is partly to encourage his wife and partly to teach her children to respect her. She can teach daughters how to be treasures for their future husbands instead of being toys. She can teach sons how to be blessed by their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son.

Teach that nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Not once. Really? What about this?

Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Job 2:9

He said she spoke “as a foolish woman.” That meant she wasn’t usually foolish, it was halfway a compliment. He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her. Every wife knows the difference. Ever hear “love the sinner, hate the sin?”

But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: Ephesians 4:15

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18

I want my words to be health to my wife so she’ll want to hear what I tell her. I say, “That didn’t work as well as we planned. What went wrong? Let’s learn to do better next time.” I say “we” because my wife tries to please me by doing everything the way I want it done. That involves me in everything she does.

Today’s young people like short Sound Bites

You can teach salvation in two words: “Only believe.” Marriage is two words: “Only praise.” What if husband and wife never criticized and looked every day for things to praise and appreciate as taught in the Song?

· Only praise. If a woman’s personality irritates him and makes it hard for him to keep his temper, should he marry her? We teach kids not to hurl angry words by age 2 or 3. Are you adult or child?

· When something goes wrong, take responsibility instead of blaming your wife as Adam blamed Eve.

· Open his heart. If he doesn’t trust her enough to open his heart, should he marry her? One of the rewards of opening his heart is that she will learn about him and figure out ways to please him.

· Listen to her advice. God made her to help him (Gen. 2:18, 20); if he won’t listen to her and take her thoughts into account, she will be very unhappy and he will make more mistakes.

The Bible tells us twice that God values multiple sources of advice:

Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Pro. 11:14

Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. Proverbs 15:22

The benefits of knowledge sharing are great. Giving men wives is one of the ways God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24).

Husband and Wife need Perfect Hearts

Salvation and marriage are alike. Salvation means that you die to your former sinful life to be born again into marriage to Christ (Ro. 7:4). You then belong to Christ and serve Him out of love for Him. The only way husband and wife can become one as God expects is for each of them to die to their former individual lives in favor of their new family. They then belong to each other and belong to God and serve each other out of love.

David’s heart was perfect with the Lord his God. He sinned, but he never worshipped anyone or anything else. All Israel came with one perfect heart to make David king (1 Chron. 12:38). Husband and wife must enter Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Christians must be careful not to value anyone or anything more than we value God or spouse. Couples must keep their hearts perfect with each other all their days by never paying attention to anyone else as man or woman.

Unmarried love is different from married love. The Bible tells men how to talk outside marriage:

The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2

Men have to be careful not to let talk slide toward the emotional and physical connections God saves for marriage. Women must stop talking to a man who’s heading toward violating her emotional or physical purity. It’s OK for men and women to talk as long as they talk as persons and not as men and women.

A person-to-person conversation can stray toward man-woman. This is wrong if either party is married. If they’re single, the woman must decide whether they could marry and insist that he agree that the goal of being together is to decide whether they will marry. If he won’t agree, she should cut him off.

There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage. Men and women can converse as people by avoiding man-woman thoughts or emotions. Your spouse is the only person in the world whose gender should matter to you.

Man-woman talk is dangerous at work. You must please the boss to keep a job. It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much. This can lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with talk that does not meet God’s standards of purity.

God warns that men shouldn’t get physical with women outside marriage even if they don’t have sex:

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. ²Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2

The Greek word translated “touch” includes arousing passion or starting a fire. Would a man take his mother’s arm in a slippery place to keep her from falling or help his sister put on her coat? Of course. Would he try to get his mother or sister sexually aroused? Of course not.

Anything or anyone a Christian loves or follows more than God is an idol and God calls it spiritual adultery. If a husband lets his love for anything – job, hobby, sports, hunting – be stronger than his love for his wife, she thinks he’s committing emotional adultery. There has to be a balance between job, family, and other matters.

Let’s Sum it up in a Few Words

God’s rules are simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Getting married is 4 words, “No sex until marriage.” Staying married is “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much as God expects us to praise Him; that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what He hasn’t given.

A man should be able to look his wife in the eye and say from the bottom of his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman. For God soloved me that He gave me you.”

When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, our Lord and Savior. We’re commanded to follow God (Eph. 5:1), so when you look on your spouse, you are commanded to see the purity and perfection of His son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.

God expects bride and groom to enter Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God and with each other.

God gave us one plan for both salvation and marriage, and He gave us one love-based way to relate to Him, to our spouses, and to our fellow church members. We praise God in the same way we praise our spouses; we give ourselves to our spouses in the same way we give ourselves to God. When lost people see Christian couples sharing God’s love and God’s forgiveness, they’ll want some for themselves. Showing and spreading the love of God is how we turn the world upside down (Acts 17:6). It really is that simple.

Welcome, my brothers and sisters in Christ – a longer message

God gave us both salvation and marriage. If we try to get to Heaven in our own way, we go to Hell when we die. If we try to do marriage our own way, we can make life Hell on earth. Our marriages show lost people how God cares for His people. Our churches can’t grow without being built on solid marriages.

If a Christian wife doesn’t like belonging to her husband, why should the lost want to belong to Christ?

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1

Marriage is simpler than we think. God gave us one Bible verse which tells us how to build a marriage that gives both parties a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.

Review of God’s Simple Plan of Salvation

God knew that we would have trouble with His plan of salvation. He knew that we could never handle two plans, one for marriage and one for salvation, so He made one plan work for both. He knew we would have a hard time relating properly to Him. We couldn’t handle two ways to relate, one for relating to God and another for relating to our spouses, so He gave us just one way to relate.

Salvation and marriage use the same plan. We relate to God and to other Christians I the same way.

We serve the Lord God Almighty, maker of Heaven and earth, who sent His only Son Jesus to be born of the Virgin Mary. Jesus was equal to God the Father, but He took on the form of a servant and was born in the likeness of a man (Phil. 2:6-8). He was called “Emmanuel,” which means “God with us (Mt. 1:23).” In dying on the cross as a man, Jesus obeyed God His Father unto death. In dying as God, He took on Himself the richly-deserved punishment for all of my sins, all of your sins, and all the sins of everyone past, present, and future.

The blood He shed in dying on the cross washes away our sins, but only if we humble ourselves, admit that we cannot overcome our sins without His help, and call on Him to save us and take us to Heaven when we die.

My mother taught me the reality of my sins in punishing me for disobeying her. She gave me the Good News that Jesus died to take the punishment for my sins. She taught me that His blood would wash me clean of my sins if I would believe Him and ask Him to do that. She taught that Jesus rose from the dead to show His power over death so that I would know that he would take me to heaven to be with Him when I die.

She taught me about Adam’s sin and God’s promise that one of Eve’s children would conquer Satan (Gen. 3:15). I didn’t realize that Jesus loved me far more than “just” being willing to take on the evil of all my sins and lose His close fellowship with His Father (Ps. 22:1, Mt. 27:46, Mk. 15:34). I thought that when Adam soiled himself through sin and our perfect God could no longer have fellowship with polluted Adam, Jesus agreed that He would become sin for us so that we could be washed clean and spend eternity with God in Heaven.

Slain Before the Foundation of the World

Years later, I understood that Jesus knew Adam would sin before He said “let there be light” to start creating the world. Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough and wanted us enough to create us anyway!

God knew it would be hard for us to understand Jesus loving us enough to die for us even before He created Adam. To remind us and to help us understand love, God created mothers who willingly risk death to give their babies life. Before modern medicine, a woman had roughly 98.5% chance of surviving a pregnancy. Without birth control, married women had so many pregnancies that 1 woman in 8 died in childbirth.

Every girl knew someone who had died in childbirth (Ge. 35:18, 1 Sam. 4:20). Every girl knew that she would walk the valley of the shadow of death for each child, yet women wanted to marry and bear children (Ge.30:1, Lk. 1:25) anyway. Women want children badly enough to risk death; Jesus wanted the pleasure and the glory of creating us so badly (Rev. 4:11) that He chose certain death before the moment of creation!

I was born before antibiotics could fight infections. My mother risked her life to give me life and did it again and again for my two brothers. Being glad to give her life is a woman’s part of Ge. 5:1-2 “in the likeness of God made he him,” and “he [that is, God] called their name Adam” to include Eve in the likeness of God.

If someone gave you a birthday gift, would you hand over money to pay for it? That would refuse the gift. Trying to get to Heaven by being good, being religious, going to church, tithing, doing good deeds, is not only impossible (Ro. 3:11), trying to earn your way into Heaven blocks you from accepting Jesus’ free offer of salvation (Gal. 5:4). You’re trying to pay for a feely-offered gift whose price is far more than you can ever pay.

What did you do to earn your mother’s risking her life to give you life and then pouring her life into keeping you alive and teaching you how to behave as an adult? Nothing. She risked her life before she knew anything about you. She risked her life freely based on the emotional drives God put into her and looked forward eagerly to your birth as she felt God forming you within her womb (Is. 49:5). Have you thanked her?

God ordained both salvation and marriage. If we try to do salvation our own way, if we try to get to heaven on our own strength, we go to Hell when we die. If we try to do marriage our own way, we can make life Hell on earth, but if we do it God’s way, we can give each other a taste of Heaven, right here on earth.

Jesus told Nicodemus, “Ye must be born again (John 3:7).” You must die to your former life of sin in order to be born again into the family of Christ (Acts 17:30, 20:21).

Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4

Note the phrase “married to another.” Jesus required you to die to your former life and be born again into marriage with Him so you can bring forth fruit to God. Revelation 19:9 speaks of “the marriage supper of the Lamb” where His bride, the church, is united in marriage with Jesus in Heaven forever.

God uses the word “marriage” to describe the relationship between God and His people because we become one with God through calling on His name to be saved, and husband and wife become “one flesh” when they enter into Holy Matrimony. The command “love the Lord thy God” appears 14 times! Once we accept Christ’s offer of salvation, He becomes “our God” and we’re commanded to love Him. Why?

Love Drives the Christian Walk

The 2^nd time Jesus meet with His disciples after His resurrection, He told them to start the church:

Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. ²²And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: John 20:21-22

Jesus sent them as God had sent Him and gave them the Holy Ghost. That should have been enough, but John 21 tells us that Peter went fishing instead of starting the church. Jesus went after Peter again (Jn. 21). Having created Peter, Jesus knew that men are afraid to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt.

Peter saw Jesus weep at Lazarus' tomb (Jn. 11:35), he saw Him mourn for Jerusalem (Mt. 23:37, Lk. 13:34) and Capernaum (Mt. 11:23, Lk. 10:15). Peter knew that if he obeyed Jesus as Jesus had obeyed God, he would be hurt when people he loved refused the gospel. He wanted no part of Jesus’ sorrow or grief (Is. 53:3-4).

Peter was right. I sorrowed when my friend who was best man at my wedding would not ask Jesus to save him. I urged him again after a bad heart attack. He finally said, “I get it. God lets me choose to go to Hell if I want to.” His 2nd attack killed him a week later, 35 years to the day after my wedding. I think he’s in Hell.

Jesus pushed Peter to admit that Peter loved Him. That didn't make Peter love Jesus – he already did – but Peter wouldn’t recognize or admit his love for Jesus until Jesus pushed him.

Once he admitted to himself that he loved Jesus, Peter had to spread the word – it’s our love of Christ that makes us serve Him (2 Cor. 5:14)! That’s why Jesus wants us to know and accept His love for us and ours for Him – we can’t do His work without loving Him and we won’t even want to do His work unless we love Him.

Peter’s love was weak in John 21, but even weak love made him willing to serve by spreading the Gospel.

For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not. II Corinthians 8:12

Peter was willing to plant and water in his Pentecost sermon (1 Cor. 3:6). God accepted what little Peter had and gave increase to the church of about 3,000.

Similarly, a man must admit to himself that he loves his wife and he must convince her that he loves her. If he doesn't do that, telling lost people that God loves them won't work because lost people will see that his wife doesn’t think he loves her. If he does love her, he will be driven to serve her and to care for her.

How can anyone believe what we tell them about God’s Love for them if they see that we don’t love each other or that we don’t love them? When lost people see husband and wife forgiving one another and passing God's love and grace back and forth between them, however, they want God’s love for themselves. God gave us the privilege and the honor of telling them how to get it. Do all of your people know how to tell them?

If someone’s love is strong enough that to want to serve Him but they don’t know how to serve Him, just have them help you! God will give them more to do as they grow as Peter did. As with Peter, Jesus has begun a good work in your church members and He will perform it until the day He returns (Phi. 1:6).

Have you taught your people that they must admit to themselves that they love God in their hearts?

This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8

Lip service doesn’t spread the Gospel. God expects us to love Him with all our hearts. So do our wives!

Holy Matrimony until death is Vital to Society

Every culture must raise most kids to be productive adults. If that doesn’t happen, society collapses.

My illustrations are drawn from the American dating culture which may or may not apply to your culture. There’s no point in my visiting you to talk about marriage. God’s principles of marriage are the same everywhere; details are very different. You must adapt God’s principles to your people’s needs.

Most American women act like it’s OK to have sex without marriage, and many men are glad to do it. If a woman doesn't insist that a man grow up, get a job, and marry her before having sex, there's no reason for him to grow up, get a job, or to commit himself to taking care of her. Why did God ordain marriage?

And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. ¹⁴Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. ¹⁵And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:13-15

God wasn’t receiving their offerings or blessing their society. Why not? Because men were divorcing their wives. God’s purpose in bringing men and women together is for His servants to raise children so He has more servants. When marriages fall apart, God doesn’t have to do anything to make society suffer. In his book “Sex and Culture” Dr. Unwin wrote in 1914, “The sexual behavior of women before marriage is the decisive factor in cultural success. Men are mainly motivated by sex. If they can get it without marriage, they contribute less to society.” He’s certainly right about that. Jacob work 7 years to marry Rachel because he wanted her.

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21

Caring for a wife is a lot of work. Raising children is a lot of work. A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough. If he can have her without marriage, however, marrying would bring him a lot of trouble without giving him anything he doesn’t have. The American welfare system pays an unmarried woman more money for each fatherless child, but stops all her benefits if she gets married. You may have read of fatherless mobs rioting in America, killing many and causing billions of dollars worth of damage.

Sexual passion within marriage makes men work to improve their homes to make their wives happy, mothers find it hard to invest their lives in their children without a husband’s help. Dr. Unwin has studied more than eighty former civilizations; all societies which became sexually permissive collapsed.[1]

Older women are commanded to teach younger women about men (Titus 2:3-5). God led my wife to explain that a husband’s goal is 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God doesn’t often give him that much strength, but that’s a man’s marriage plan. 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.

Opening her body makes a wife belong to her husband. Opening his heart makes him belong to his wife.

Marriage is Simple – the Bible Explains Marriage in One Verse

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67

· She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they had both made public marriage vows before he took her.

· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting him emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him, but this requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation as taught in the Song of Solomon.

80-90% of how a marriage works out depends on how a man treats his wife after they marry, but 80% of that depends on how high she and he set her value by protecting her virtue before they marry (Pr. 31:10).

Isaac Supplied the Tent

Most women delight in a man’s attention. A woman can easily become emotionally involved with a man who says he loves her. Playing boy-girl games when you aren't ready for marriage is like playing with matches and gasoline when you don’t want to start a fire. People aren’t toys. Playing with each other before you're mature enough to think of a permanent marriage can lead to serious emotional damage.

There are only three ways it can turn out, all of them are bad:

1) You can break up. This hurts, but shows you can survive breaking up. This prepares you for divorce later.

2) You can marry before you're mature enough or have enough income. Mature adults have troubles with the duties and responsibilities of marriage, and marriage is far harder on younger people.

3) You can get involved physically without commitment to each other, which adds to the emotional damage.

It’s OK to date to learn about the opposite sex before you’re ready to marry, but there’s a very important rule about dating: Never ever date the same person twice in a row. If a couple starts to “go steady” before they’re mature enough and financially well off enough to marry, their emotions can easily become aroused. Those emotions must be reserved for marriage. They’re committing emotional fornication. Emotional fornication often leads to physical fornication, which damages their ability to form loving marriages later.

The teen years and early twenties are a time for striving to learn what you must know to join the ranks of productive, responsible adults; it's not a time to wish you were already grown up. Isaac was 40 years old (Gen. 5:20) and had enough money to support Rebecca when he married her. That is a husband’s duty.

Jesus spoke of His servants being obliged to do their duty to Him:

So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do. Luke 17:10

When God gives a woman to a man to be his wife, God expects him to fulfill his God-given duty to nourish her and cherish her (Eph 5:29) as long as they both shall live.

Isaac Supplied the Tent, then He Took Rebekah

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21

A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her. Marriage is wonderful enough to be worth the burden and responsibilities of marriage:

Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Pro. 5:18

Blessing her husband’s fountain whenever he’s ravished with her love is part of the marriage burden.

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: ¹⁹The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19

Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10

But if they cannot contain, let them marry: I Corinthians 7:9a

Some wedding vows say “to have and to hold.” The man marries to have her; she marries him so he’ll hold her. Naomi gave Ruth the best advice on getting marriage you’ll ever hear:

Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18

Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth brought it up, he thought it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. What if a woman gives a man rest outside marriage? Her value falls (Pr. 31:10). What would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else? A woman shouldn’t play hard to get, she should be hard to get. It’s him giving his life for her life or not at all.

He Took Her to Wife

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit. I Thessalonians 4:3-8

Some say that this refers to a man possessing his own body, but “vessel” in “as unto the weaker vessel (1 Pe. 3:7)” is something that receives. In marriage, the man’s body gives and the woman’s body receives. Jesus said that a man and wife were “no more twain, but one flesh.” There’s only one body in a Christian marriage.

A man sanctifies a woman, that is, sets her apart from all other women, by entering into Holy Matrimony with her before taking her. How often do we hear of a man persuading a woman to fulfill his lusts by claiming to love her? Without the sanctification of marriage, taking a woman is sinful lust which God calls “fraud.” This despises God and God will avenge this by denying the man most of the joy which God intended for marriage.

We know from news about dates gone wrong that being defrauded by being taken outside marriage can harm a woman badly and make her bitter. God gives a man the desire of his heart when he takes a woman through lying to her, but defrauding her and taking advantage of her brings leanness into his soul (Psalm 106:15). Fraud followed by bitterness isn’t a good foundation for marriage. The situation can’t improve unless the man takes responsibility for defrauding her and confesses his sin to her and to their parents.

The Bible uses “took to wife (Gen. 26:34, 1 Ki. 16:31, 1 Chr. 7:15)” to indicate that the man married the woman before taking her. The Bible warns four times that opening herself to a man humbles a woman (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11). The chemicals a man injects into her body make her brain produce hormones that affect her thinking. She becomes much more relaxed. She’ll lose her sense of independence and feel a desire to cling to him and to belong to him. This makes her feel vulnerable and dependent. This can be very frightening even if he’s made her feel secure, appreciated, and valued by marrying her before taking her and by opening his heart to her enough that she’s confident that he belongs to her.

If a man takes a woman outside marriage, she knows he failed to protect her from his passions as Adam failed to protect Eve from the serpent. It is very difficult for a woman to follow a man whom she can’t trust.

Isaac Loved Rebekah

Older women are told to teach younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4) because men are very much alike – what comforts one man will make pretty much any man feel loved, and it’s simple enough that the Bible explains it in one verse. There is no simple formula for making a wife feel loved because women are so very different from each other, but the Bible describes the result. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye when sending them back to their families to find husbands, she prayed:

The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a

Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without modern machinery. In a muscle-powered society with no welfare system, wives depend on husbands for food. Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, of course, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that their husbands valued and appreciated by them as taught in the Song of Solomon.

Watching any couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women experience this instead:

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7

A man can say he loves a woman and provide for her without giving his heart. God has the same problem:

This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8

And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a

The woman in the Song is confident that her husband has opened his heart enough to belong to her:

My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3

Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her and wouldn’t belong to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but she could see that he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her (Song 2:16)? Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines? She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him. It’s the sports hero and the cheerleader, a story that happens over and over again in colleges and high schools. What she did wasn’t nice, but who betrayed whom first?

And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16

Emotions scare a man. Although he may declare his love to her, he may not admit his love to himself.

Having created Peter, Jesus knew how Peter felt. Peter saw Jesus weep and grieve over the cities of Israel (Mt. 11:23, 23:37, Lk. 10:15, 13:34). Peter did not want the sorrow of loving people and seeing them fall away (Jn. 11:35) so he hid his emotions from himself.

John 21:15-19 tells how Jesus asked three times whether Peter loved Jesus. Peter finally admitted to filios, brotherly love. Did Jesus' questions make Peter love Him? No, Peter already loved Jesus – he wept bitterly when he betrayed Jesus (Mt. 26:75) – but he didn't want to feel his love, knowing how love can lead to sorrow.

If a man won’t admit to himself that he loves his wife enough to be hurt by her, he can’t convince her he loves her and she won’t be able to comfort him as he expects. Opening herself to him makes her more sensitive to his feelings about her. If he values her skills, feelings, thoughts, and everything else about her, feeling loved more strongly makes her happy. She won’t mind being humbled and will be glad to see his delight in her. If she doesn’t think he’s pleased with her, she won’t want to be more sensitive to his feelings.

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10

She likes getting physical because he appreciates her. Husbands and wives want to please each other:

But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34 *

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. ⁹Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9

Women are made for men (Gen. 2:18), so a wife generally cares more about pleasing her husband than he cares about pleasing her. The Book of Proverbs warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13, 21:9, 19, 25:24, 27:15) that an unhappy wife is a hardship; some say, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22

Men, don’t dry your wife’s bones. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wants to please you? She can’t please you if she doesn’t know what you want. The only way she can be confident of pleasing you is for you to open your heart often enough for her to learn your ways in detail.

When a woman finds she can’t please her husband no matter how she tries, we often see death in her eyes, even in photos. Men, if you want to be happy in marriage, be happy with your wife. That makes her happy. There is no joy this side of Heaven that compares with having your wife be glad to belong to you.

Isaac Loved Rebekah and then He was Comforted

Rebekah was able to comfort Isaac after he convinced her that he loved her.

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10

His physical desire seems strange to her, so the wife asks her mother for advice about her husband:

I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. ³His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3

Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather do something else is what submission means. She has far more sexual capacity than he; she is able to drain off all of his sexual energy. That makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he'll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28).

A man can't praise his wife in such detail without paying close attention to her. Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.

How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and constantly looked for things to appreciate instead? That is the essence of the Song. Jesus promised us rest:

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Courtship shows whether he trusts her (Pro. 31:11) enough to truly open his heart and he finds out whether she respects him and honors him (Eph. 5:33, 1 Pe. 3:6) in spite of his mistakes. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as his precious gift from God and she acts like his precious gift from God.

Don’t be like Peter

We talked about Jesus having to work to get Peter to admit that Peter loved Jesus. This is a common problem.

This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8

My mother did not believe that my father loved her. He said he did with his mouth, he honored her with his lips, but he didn’t convince her. My mother played hymns for church and taught all three sons how to play the piano. Her people skills were strong enough that her missionary letters got our family to 300% support. My dad never let her know he appreciated her gifts even though her gifts were very useful to his ministry. He didn’t spend the time he should have invested in opening his heart and making sure she felt loved.

We were missionaries to Japan, and the Japanese language is extremely difficult. My dad was grateful to Japanese colleagues who helped him arrange tickets and travel schedules. This would have been nearly impossible for either him or for my mother because of the language.

He was right to appreciate their help, but he never told my mother he appreciated her efforts to “guide our house” in a strange culture when her Japanese wasn’t good enough to have women friends who could help her with all the strange foods. Not feeling appreciated by the man she loved dried my mother’s bones.

My mother never understood why my wife, whose gifts were so similar to hers, was loved and appreciated while her gifts were not valued. Even though she was convinced that her wedding vows had been said to God as well as to my dad (Mal. 2:14), she was coming to the conclusion that she would have to leave my dad. The pain of not being loved rotted her bones and was more than she could bear.

Instead of leaving her when she was diagnosed with cancer, my dad took early retirement and nursed her for the rest of her life. The pain of feeling unloved for all those decades had gone so deep that it took years of dad cleaning up her messes when chemotherapy made her throw up before she felt loved.

When she died at 62, mom was convinced that he cared deeply about her. Her mother lived to 95. Given the choice of living 30 more years feeling unloved or dying in confidence she was valued, she’d have chosen early death. For my mother, the certainly of being loved and appreciated was more precious than life itself.

Jesus pushing Peter didn’t make Peter love Jesus, he already did, but he hadn’t admitted it to himself. My dad did love my mother, but he hadn’t realized it. She was the axle on which the wheel of his life turned, and when she was gone, he started to die. It really isn’t good for a man to be alone, that’s why God generally arranges that men die before their wives.

So men, if you want to receive the joys you expected to receive from Holy Matrimony, you must convince your wife that she’s loved, valued, and appreciated. That’s hard to do, but appreciation is vital:

And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. Colossians 3:17

Everything you do with your wife must be done in the name of the Lord Jesus. You must give thanks to God for giving you salvation, for giving marriage in general, and for giving you your wife in particular.

Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; ⁴⁸Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48

Moses warned the Jews to give thanks for everything God gave. They weren’t thankful so He took everything away. They were in want of “all things.” We often take His gifts for granted. “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.” Adopt an Attitude of Gratitude! If you don’t convince your wife that you’re grateful for her and to her, she’ll be unhappy. You’ll lose most of the blessing God intended her to give you.

Many men complain that women are too emotional and too talkative. If it weren’t for the emotional mating drive God put into women, they wouldn’t want to get together with men at all. Would you want to be married to you? Would you want to do all the things she does to keep your family working smoothly?

I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14

Women are driven to talk about caring for husbands, children, and homes. This is a good thing.

Women complain that men are too possessive. God made men possessive so men would take care of women. If a wife encourages her husband’s possessiveness, he’ll be more inclined to take care of her and their children as God desires. If she belongs to him, her happiness belongs to him too. He’ll find that spending money on the house makes her happy, and making her happy makes him far happier than anything he can do for himself. Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 2 that everything he did was vanity and chasing after wind. This was because he did it for himself: “I gat me, I builded me….” If a man dedicates his work and his life to nourishing and cherishing his wife, children, and church, his work won’t be vain. God gives one source of joy:

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9

A man’s life consists of his work and his wife, that’s his portion, that’s all there is. A wife, like life, is a gift of God. She can’t make him any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22

a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b

Complaining about God’s gifts instead of being grateful cost the Jews God’s blessing. Complaining instead of thanking and praising makes your spouse unhappy and costs you the blessing God intended for marriage.

If you are truly grateful to God for giving you life, salvation, and marriage, if you truly believe that God is good, you will see that the way He made men and women was designed to bless both of you. If you can’t see how something about your spouse blesses you, that’s your problem, not God’s.

Women particularly appreciate appreciation. The Song of Solomon shows how to do it – notice small things about your wife and appreciate them in detail. When my wife’s hairbrush gets full of hair, I spend 30 seconds with a comb to clean it so it works again. It saves her a bit of time, but what’s more important, it shows her that I pay attention to her things. Long hair is a lot of work, so I help her brush it up before she goes to bed and help her brush it down when she gets up. That’s a Biblical command:

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4

Women are generally smaller than men and weaker than men. My wife expects me to protect her. Seeing me pay attention to small things gives her confidence that I’m looking out for her safety and her welfare.

So What should you Teach?

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a

Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart. When a woman lets herself fall in love with a man who won’t marry her, she’s crusin’ for a brusin’, she’s in for a world of hurt.

When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me to support her. In the past, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn’t marry unless he’d grown up enough to have a job. Many modern girls live with men without marriage and even pay “their share” of the rent. She was letting me know that she wasn’t going to do that.

Every man knows in his heart that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that’s why men pursue women. I liked her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband! She had no idea what being my treasure would mean, but I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me. If she meant that, I’d be a fool not to marry her, so I said, “Sure.” We married 5 months later.

She didn’t tell me until years later, but she had been planning to marry her college boyfriend even though he’d never said anything about marriage. Something drove her to ask God if she should marry him, and God told her firmly “No.” It was very difficult, but she broke up with him. She had failed to guard her heart.

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

She fell in love with him before she asked God if he would be a good husband for her. A woman should never, ever, let herself fall in love with a man until after he has married her. In her sorrow, she told God, “You didn’t like the man I chose, so you find me a husband.” We talked for an hour or so the day we met. When she had to leave, I told her I was going to date her. I didn’t ask her, I told her. The wheels turned behind her eyes for 15 or 20 seconds, she gulped, and said “OK.”

During that time, she felt God saying, “Are you going to accept MY choice, or will you choose.” I was not at all what she would have chosen, but with God telling her He wanted to give her to me, she was OK with it. That’s why she got marriage on the table before our first date. She trusted God, but in her woman’s heart, she wanted to be sure I was OK with the idea of marrying her.

My wife tells young ladies that if a man won’t agree to marry if she decides that she wants to be his treasure, there’s something wrong with him and she should have nothing to do with him.

She also asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”

That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. God said the same thing:

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18

I need this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why I like hanging around her.

Teach that a virtuous wife “openeth her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr. 31:26).” A man who’s emotionally involved with a woman can be hurt terribly by her words even if he won’t admit it. Why would she do anything that will make it harder for him to admit to himself that he loves her?

Remind women to keep themselves “pure and unspotted (Jas. 1:27).” When women commit fornication or leave their homes for the workforce, there is no reason why men need to be sexually pure and work hard to provide for their families. Their incentive is gone.

When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19

Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream. He should have relied on her feelings. On the other hand, a wife must let her husband punish their children when necessary no matter how she feels:

Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18

Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14

Women expect men to protect them, but they need to know that a man can’t protect her unless she obeys. Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” shows that a man can’t protect his family without cooperation or incarceration. Juliet’s father tried to keep her away from Romeo and appointed the family nurse to keep her at home. Juliet fooled the nurse, snuck off, and got together with Romeo. It didn’t turn out well – they died.

Peter Pan told Wendy to stay in the clearing. Captain Hook kidnapped her when she disobeyed and went walking in the woods. Peter had to risk his life in a sword fight to get her back. If he’d known he wouldn’t get Wendy’s cooperation, should he have used incarceration by locking her in the house?

Fathers aren’t infallible. Jacob let his daughter Dina go out to “see the daughters of the land;” Shechem raped her (Gen. 34). David told his daughter Tamar to go see Amnon and didn’t make Amnon marry Tamar after Amnon raped her (II Samuel 13). Did David or Jacob ask their wives for advice before doing these things?

What About Men?

Most of the book of Proverbs is a father’s advice to his son. Chapters 2 and 5 warn men about non-virtuous women. Chapter 31 is King Lemuel’s words, “the wisdom his mother taught him.”

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] ²⁹Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29

Mrs. Lemuel taught that her son should praise his wife and teach his children to follow his example of praising her and appreciating her. This teaches them the “attitude of gratitude” which will bless them all their lives. Praise is partly to encourage his wife and partly to teach her children to respect her. If her daughters respect her, she can teach them how to be treasures for their future husbands instead of being toys. If her sons respect her, she can teach them how to be blessed by their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son.

Teach that nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Not once. Really? What about this?

Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Job 2:9

Job’s wife lost her seven sons who were her only hope of being fed after her husband died – no pensions. Her husband lost his money and was speaking of dying – she’d had a tough week. He said she spoke “like a foolish woman.” That implied she wasn’t usually foolish, it was halfway a compliment. He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her. Every wife knows the difference. Ever hear “love the sinner, hate the sin?”

But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: Ephesians 4:15

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18

Men, criticizing wives is unbiblical, period, end of story. 1 Samuel 25 tells how Abigail criticized her husband Nabal to David. In 1 Samuel 25:34, David thanked her for talking him out of murdering Nabal. When Nabal died, David married Abigail immediately. God gives 2 rules for wives criticizing husbands: 1) Only to prevent murder or some other serious sin 2) Criticize him so sweetly that any man who hears you criticize your husband will want to marry you. If you can’t do it in the Bible manner, don’t criticize your husband.

Today’s Young People like Short Sound Bites

We’re in a sound-bite generation – kids want everything to be short. You can teach salvation in two words: “Only believe.” You can teach marriage in two words: “Only praise.” What if husband and wife never criticized and looked every day for things to praise and appreciate as taught in the Song? Would that work?

I was making a doctor’s appointment for my wife. The young lady figured out that I treasured my wife and asked how long we’d been married. When I told her 51 years, she wanted to know how we did it. I gave her the 2 words – “Only praise.”

Her eyes bugged out. “That’s hard!” she complained. “What do I do if I’m really upset at him?”

“Are you an adult, or are you a child?” I asked. “We teach little kids not to lose their temper, not to throw angry words at each other by the time they’re 2, age 3 at the latest. If you aren’t grown up enough to keep your temper, are you mature enough to marry?” The Bible agrees that we must control our feelings:

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Pro. 25:28

Teach the men:

· When something goes wrong, take responsibility instead of blaming your wife as Adam blamed Eve.

· Open his heart. If he doesn’t trust her enough to open his heart, should he marry her? One of the rewards of opening his heart is that she will learn about him and figure out ways to please him.

· Listen to her advice. God made her to help him (Gen. 2:18, 20); if he won’t listen to her and take her thoughts into account, she will be very unhappy and he will make more mistakes.

The Bible tells us twice that God values multiple sources of advice:

Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Pro. 11:14

Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. Proverbs 15:22

A wife often knows things her husband doesn’t, particularly about children. It’s foolish for a man to ignore his wife’s knowledge and counsel when making decisions. Even if her ideas aren’t practical, her thoughts may stimulate his thoughts and help make better decisions. In our decades of deciding, it’s been rare that the first idea from either of us stands the test of the other’s knowledge. It can take hours of discussion to get all the facts, but the decision is usually obvious once everyone’s concerns are understood.

The benefits of knowledge sharing are great. That’s one of the ways God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24).

The hardest part about parenting is persuading children that your ways are right. They may obey while living with you, but when they leave, they’ll do what they think is right. Unless you convince them that your ways are best before they leave home, they’ll do something else, to your sorrow, and a wife’s input helps.

Money

God planned that husband and wife should be each other’s main source of contentment so they don’t need to spend money on toys. If they meet each other’s needs, they’ll have fewer financial problems.

“Only praise” means keeping emotion out of disagreements and sticking to facts. Money is the very best place for fact-based discussion. I grew up in Japan where heating oil cost $1 per quart; I kept my apartment in Boston, Mass. at 50 F, that’s 10C. Before we married, my wife lived in a YWCA in a room over the main boiler. Her room was between 70 and 80 all winter, that’s 26C. We had a lot of expenses when we bought a house.

I listed monthly income and expenses when we got the November heating bill. I showed what we got after taxes. I showed all our expenses including mortgage, cars, phone, etc. I explained that the winter heating bills for December through February would be at double or triple the November bill. We’d barely make it.

I reminded her that she wanted to buy a freezer. She didn’t want to pay interest, so we had to save the up to buy it. “If you set the thermostat at 50,” I told her, “we can afford to buy your freezer this spring. If, however, we set it at 70, we won’t be able to save the money until fall.”

She knew that a dollar spent on heat was a dollar we couldn’t spend on her freezer. She wore very heavy quilted men’s underwear, drank a lot of hot tea, and we set our thermostat at “way cool.” We bought the freezer; it served us 30 years. We found a way to give her a choice as God gives us free will.

3 years later, we scraped together airfare so I could take her with me on a business trip. She found a crystal vase she really wanted. We’d been eating in cheaper restaurants than my colleagues so I could pay for her food and mine from my daily meal allowance. This was before computers. It wasn’t worth the effort to add up all the meal receipts, so the company gave us a fixed sum for each day.

She knew that paying her air fare had left us in a bad position, but she wanted the vase. “If you buy groceries so we can eat in our room,” I told her, “we can save enough out of my meal allowance for your vase.” We ate a lot of tuna and the bread sometimes went stale, but we bought the vase. She still has it.

“Only praise” means keeping emotion out of discussions and sticking to facts. There is no topic better suited to fact-based discussion than money. You know what you’ve spent, you know what came in. What’s more, you know most of the coming bills and most of what you expect to come in. Facts take a lot of the sting out of talking about money. Everybody has spread sheets; there’s no excuse not to have factual discussions. Once all the facts are on the table, the answer is usually obvious – “No, you can’t have it yet.”

Gifts and Talents

The Bible tells of a Master who gave His servants money to invest while He was away.

And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey. Matthew 25:15

When He came back, He wanted to know what His servants had done with what He gave. Two of them had done well and were rewarded. One did nothing with the gift and was punished. God’s gifts such as preaching, teaching, or music are His gifts to you. What you do with them are your gifts back to Him.

Gifts are always conditional. You’ve heard a parent say, “You left your toy in the rain; you can’t play with it for a week.” The child abused the gift and lost the blessing. Second only to salvation, a wife is the greatest gift a man can receive from God. That makes her husband accountable to God for learning about her skills and helping her develop them. If you don’t, you’ll lose your part of God’s reward for using her gifts for Him.

Shortly after we married, I found that my wife had a fine singing voice. This was a surprise – I had paid attention to other matters while we were courting. One reason we were short of money after buying a house was that I had bought her a piano so she could practice singing. She had to do the work of developing her God-given singing gift, but I had to make it possible, encourage her, and make sure she had time.

A man is accountable to God for helping his wife use her gifts to glorify Him.

Husband and Wife need Perfect Hearts

Salvation and marriage are alike. Salvation means that you die to your former sinful life to be born again into a relationship to Christ. You then belong to Christ and serve Him out of love for Him. The only way husband and wife can become one as God expects is for each of them to die to their former individual lives in favor of their new family. They then belong to each other and belong to God and serve each other out of love.

David’s heart was perfect with the Lord his God. He sinned, but he never worshipped anyone or anything else. All Israel came with one perfect heart to make David king (1 Chron. 12:38). Husband and wife must enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Couples must keep their hearts perfect with each other all their days by never paying attention to anyone else as a man or woman.

Unmarried love is different from married love. The Bible tells men how to talk outside marriage:

The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2

Men have to be careful not to let talk slide toward the emotional and physical connections God reserves for marriage. Women must stop talking to a man who’s heading toward violating her emotional or physical purity. It’s OK for men and women to talk as long as they talk as persons and not as men and women.

A person-to-person conversation can stray toward man-woman. This is wrong if either party is married. If they’re single, the woman must decide whether they might marry and insist that he agree that the goal of being together is to decide whether they will marry. If he won’t agree, she should cut him off.

Man-woman talk is dangerous in work situations. You must please the boss to keep a job. It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much. This can lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with talk that does not meet God’s standards of purity.

God warns that men shouldn’t get physical with women outside marriage even if they don’t have sex:

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. ²Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2

Anything or anyone which a Christian loves or follows more than God is an idol and God thinks of this as idolatry, or spiritual adultery. If a husband allows his love for anything – job, hobby, sports, hunting – to be stronger than his love for his wife, she thinks he’s committing emotional adultery.

Let’s Sum it up in a Few Words

A man should be able to look his wife in the eye and say from the bottom of his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman. For God soloved me that He gave me you.”

When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior. We are commanded to follow God (Eph. 5:1), so when you look on your spouse, you are commanded to see the purity and perfection of His son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.

God expects bride and groom to enter Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God, and with each other.

1 Sexual Relations and Cultural Behavior, by J. D. Unwin (Frank M. Darrow 1969)

Marriage Under Threat

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Marriage Seminar for Pastors

Introduction – the Role of the Pastor

Welcome, my brothers in Christ!

Holy Matrimony until death is Vital to Society

Marriage is Simple – the Bible Explains Marriage in One Verse

Isaac Loved Rebekah

Don’t be like the Apostle Peter

Isaac Loved Rebekah and then He was Comforted

So What should you Teach?

What About Men?

Today’s young people like short Sound Bites

Husband and Wife need Perfect Hearts

Let’s Sum it up in a Few Words

Welcome, my brothers and sisters in Christ – a longer message

Review of God’s Simple Plan of Salvation

Slain Before the Foundation of the World

Love Drives the Christian Walk

Holy Matrimony until death is Vital to Society

Marriage is Simple – the Bible Explains Marriage in One Verse

Isaac Supplied the Tent

Isaac Supplied the Tent, then He Took Rebekah

He Took Her to Wife

Isaac Loved Rebekah

Isaac Loved Rebekah and then He was Comforted

Don’t be like Peter

So What should you Teach?

What About Men?

Today’s Young People like Short Sound Bites

Money

Gifts and Talents

Husband and Wife need Perfect Hearts

Let’s Sum it up in a Few Words

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