Discussion Points for Couples

God’s people are destroyed for lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6); few young people know much about marriage. This paper is a collection of short discussion points which should help people who're thinking about marriage understand what marriage means to the other party.

Nothing draws a couple closer than discussing God’s word.  This paper lists a number of verses which husband and wife are likely to interpret differently.  Discussing them will teach both parties about each other and about God.  Drawing closer to God draws them closer to each other.

God’s plan for marriage works when the man treats his wife as God’s gift to him and she acts as God’s gift to him.  Marriage starts with “I do,” and it won’t work unless you say, “I do” with all your heart, mind and strength, but it runs on “I’m sorry.”  Unless you bind up the wounds through forgiveness, bitterness defiles you (He. 12:15) and marriage founders in a sea of pain.

Marriage starts with desire (Gen 3:16, 29:21, Song 7:10, I Co 7:9); it’s maintained by duty.  We no longer teach “duties of marriage,” (Ex. 21:10) but focus only on the delights.  Delight fades if that’s all there is, joy comes from shared duties well done.

Marriage is built on lavish praise. Proverbs 31:28-29 commands a man to praise his wife and teach his children to appreciate her; the Song of Solomon starts with the woman praising her husband.  Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.  Job criticized what his wife did, he didn’t criticize her.  Any woman can explain the difference.

A wife cares deeply how her husband feels about her.  Any negative words or criticism will hurt her a great deal. How can she love him as much as she wants to love him if he hurts her all the time?  This works both ways, of course (Pr. 12:18, 16:24).  How does a man convince his wife that he belongs to her?  Learn from the husband in the Song of Solomon – his wife knows he’s hers which makes her delight in being his (Song 2:16, 6:3, 7:18, 8:3).

God made women to be treasures (Pr. 18:22, Mt. 7:22).  Our society teaches women to act like toys so most men treat women like toys.  If a man asks you out and you’d rather be a treasure, you can say, "Before you spend any money on me, please understand that I’m looking for a husband.  I want a man to stay with me, I don’t want a man to play with me.  God made me to be a treasure for some man.  If you aren’t that man, we can part friends, but if you can’t agree that the purpose of our being together is to decide whether you and I should get married, please don’t waste my time."  If he doesn’t get it, add, "You’re a nice guy and I could easily fall in love with you.  If I fall in love with you and you won’t marry me, I’m in a world of hurt."

When a woman starts to interact with a man, the only question is, will she be his toy or his treasure?  Will he play with her or stay with her?  It's really toy, treasure, or trash.  Men often break toys when they get tired of them.  Being broken too often damages a woman’s heart so that she can’t ever relate properly to a husband.  Does a woman put on the meek and quiet spirit or does she dress in marketing mode?  A woman shouldn’t just play hard to get, she should be hard to get.

“Her price is far above rubies” applies to a virtuous woman, not to the other kind.  A woman sets her price by what she does.

Intimacy without commitment is like icing without the cake.  It can be sweet, but it ends up making you sick.

A woman sets her price by what she does.  If her price is a few dinners or movies, she isn't worth much.  If her price is that he dedicate his life to taking care of her before getting her, she can be a priceless treasure.  What you do shouts so loudly that nobody can hear what you say.

Girls used to say, “No sex without marriage.”  Men wanted sex; so they married.  Bad girls gave sex without marriage; men knew not to marry them.  When most girls act like bad girls, how does a man know whom to marry?

If a man can have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t already have?

A man thinks the wedding vows mean that he can have his wife whenever he’s able; she thinks that their wedding vows mean she can talk to him whenever she’s able.  Unfortunately for her, a man would far rather do it than talk about it.

A man plans to open her body five times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed; this frightens and bores his wife.  She plans to open his heart in conversation at least five times before breakfast and more afterward, this frightens and bores him.  God is just; marriage burdens are symmetrical, not identical.

Traditional wedding vows say “to have and to hold.”  The man marries to have her; she marries so he’ll hold her.  In marriage, you can’t float your own boat; you’ll have to float the other person’s boat.

There are sound reasons why women talk so much - talking to other women about children teaches how to keep babies alive; talking about men helps them learn ways to keep men happy to stay at home with them.  This works because men are pretty much alike.

A woman can vex a man’s soul to death with her tongue (Jud. 16:16); it’s either a sword to him or it’s health (Pr. 12:18). 1) he can stay away and be tempted (I Co 7:5), 2) he can take it and die (Pr. 14:12), or 3) he can beat her up to get some peace and quiet.

Men speak to report, women to create rapport.  A man tells his wife, “I shopped, I saw so and so, I bought a car, I'm home.”  Women are creatures of detail and emotion; she wants to know, “How did you feel about what he said?  What was he wearing?  What color is the car?”  Hearing that her husband rejoices in having married her and in receiving her as God's gift to him gives a wife rest.  Being certain that she’s loved and treasured by her husband is worth a woman's life.

Anything a man or woman wouldn’t like telling mother, he or she should neither do, say, nor hear.

When a man’s on a date, he should think, “Suppose I don’t marry this girl, and the one I’m to marry is on a date with someone else right now.  If I’d be angry to hear that someone did to my wife did what I’d like to do to my date, I shouldn’t do it.”

When a woman’s on a date, she should think, “Suppose I don’t marry this guy.  If I’d be embarrassed to tell my husband I did what he wants to do, I shouldn’t do it.”

A woman belongs to God; she's the Bride of Christ; her purity is important to Him (De. 22:20-22).  Would a bride pause to kiss a man from the audience while walking up the aisle for her wedding?

If a man has an idea and his date has doubts, she can say, “Find a phone and call my dad.  If it’s OK with him, it’s OK with me.”  If she’s reluctant to have him ask her dad, she probably shouldn’t do it.  If he won’t ask, she absolutely shouldn’t do it.

If a girl can’t call a man “lord,” (I Peter 3:6) why have his baby?  Her children are born in his image (Gen. 5:3).  If he isn’t worth her respect, how is he worthy to father her children?  God won't give her to an unworthy man; she might.

What do you say when your husband says he’s about to drive his motorcycle into his living room to work on the transmission? – “Let’s put down a tarp so your parts won’t get lost.”  He lives there too; be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do; his wife’s gotta clean up the mess.  With talk beforehand, there might not be as much mess.  How many women wanted to spend six dusty, bumpy months traveling to Oregon in covered wagons?  Why did they go?

A woman marries because she's made for a man (I Cor. 11:8-9), she marries a particular man because she likes talking to him.  She expects to talk more in a day of marriage than in a week of courting.  He talks during courtship because that’s all he’s allowed to do. After marriage, he thinks it’s a done deal and he doesn’t have to talk any more.  She needs to get talk on the table before the wedding.

Men are commanded to love their wives as Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:24).  Jesus gave Himself for the church.  He leads us, He nourishes us, He cherishes us.  What about lost people who aren’t His?  He loves them, He longs for them, He has compassion for them, but He can’t nourish them fully.  Can a man nourish his wife if she refuses to belong to him (Song 2:16, 6:3, 7:10, 8:2-3, Mk. 10:8, Eph 5:29)?  Can a woman “Stand by her man” if he refuses to belong to her (Song 2:16, 6:3, Mt. 19:6)?

God made women to be treasures.  Our society teaches women to act like toys; most men treat women like toys.  If a man asks you out you can say, “Before you spend any money on me, please understand that I’m looking for a husband.  I want a man to stay with me, I don’t want a man to play with me.  God made me to be a treasure for some man.  If you aren’t that man, we can part friends, but if you can’t agree that the purpose of our being together is to decide whether we should get married, please don’t waste my time.”  If he doesn’t get it, add, “You’re a nice guy and I could easily fall in love with you.  If I fall in love with you and you won’t marry me, I’m in a world of hurt.”  If a man doesn't appreciate your plan to be a treasure, he's not worth your risking your life having his babies.

There are sound reasons why God made women emotional.  There is no logical reason why a woman would want to let a man humble her (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11) whenever he wants her, which is way too often from her point of view, please him enough to keep him hanging around the house, and raise all those kids, women's emotions are designed so that’s what they want to do.  The last thing a man should do is criticize a woman's emotions.  If he gets her thinking logically, she's likely to want a better deal and walk out.

I Corinthians 7:9 says a couple should marry if they “cannot contain.”  People shouldn’t marry unless they want each other very, very badly, if they can contain, they shouldn’t marry.

Bible engagements were short.  Ruth was engaged less than 12 hours (Ruth 3:8, 3:18,-4:13).  Rebecca was engaged when she left home, but they were married a few hours after they met (Genesis 24:63-67).  When a couple can’t contain and want to wed, why do we make them wait six months or a year?  Is it any wonder that Christian couples fall into sin before marriage?  Why should we put a burden on our youth that neither we nor our fathers could have borne (Acts 15:10)?

Blood is very important to God.  Nearly all things are purged with blood (Heb. 9:22), without the shedding of blood is no remission of sins (Heb. 9:22), and God’s covenants are sealed with blood (Gen. 15:8-21, Ex. 24:8).  Women shed blood on 3 occasions:

* The mother's blood sanctifies her child at birth.

* A bride's tokens of virginity sanctify her husband's marriage covenant with her and with God.

* A woman's monthly impurity offers her a chance to cleanse herself.  She can repent of sexual sins, wait a month, and she’s clean.

Older women can instruct younger women about men because men are pretty much alike; what pleases one woman’s husband will please another woman’s.

Women are far more different from each other than men are; a man must talk to his wife to learn how to meet her needs (I Pe. 3:7).  A woman expects:

Present – a woman expects her husband to treat her as a gift from God (Pr. 18:22, Ecc. 9:9, I Col. 11:9, Ge. 2:18)

Prayer – she expects him to lead her in prayer; prayer brings wisdom (I Thess. 5:17-18, Psalm 127:1, James 1:5)

Provision – she expects him to provide food, clothing, and shelter for her and for her children (I Tim 5:8)

Protection – she expects him to protect her from his passions, her emotions, and from all external threats (Heb. 13:6)

Procreation – she expects him to appreciate her children as her finest gift to him (Ps 128:3)

Paternity – she expects him to be emotionally, financially, and logically involved in helping her raise her children (Gal. 4:1-2, Pr. 19:18, Pr. 23:13, Eph. 6:4, Heb. 12:7-9)

Passion – his desire should be towards her and towards her alone (Song 7:10) and she expects to delight in it (Song 8:2-3, Pr. 5:18-19)

Praise – she expects him to appreciate and praise (Pr. 18:22, Pr. 31:28-29) all of her efforts on behalf of her family

Partnership – she expects him to share the responsibility of educating, cleaning, raising, and guiding her children (Gal 4:2, Ep 6:4)

Participation – she wants to know everything he does, to be involved in all decisions, and to use her gifts to bless him (I Cor. 7:34)

Patience – she expects him to spend as much time as it takes for him to talk to her enough to understand her (I Pe. 3:7)

Peculiarity – he should know and rejoice in her unique, feminine peculiarities, to delight in how God made her different (Pro 19:14b)

Perception – she expects him to understand and appreciate her gifts and to enjoy her unique way of expressing herself (Pr. 18:22, James 1:17)

Pleased – she cares deeply that he be pleased with her (I Cor. 7:34)

Pleasure – she expects him to enjoy talking with her and to delight in opening his heart to her (Jud. 16:15, Pr. 31:11, I Cor. 7:3)

Plan – he must explain where he’s going clearly so that she can follow him in confidence that she’ll please him (Pro 29:18)

Persuasion – she expects him to persuade her (Ro. 14:5b, 14:23b, II Cor. 5:11, Phi. 1:9a)

Part – she expects to be a vital part of his life, to be the axle on which his wheel of his life revolves, to be the tail on his kite (I Cor 11:3, 8-9, Mt. 19:6, Mark 10:8)

Place – she expects a place to live, a place in his life, and a place in his heart (Gen. 24:67, Ruth 4:12a, Boaz had a house)

Peer – the world says that men and women are the same; the Bible says they are not (Gen 1:27, Matt 19:4, Mark 10:6)

Peace – she expects him to treat her gently (Deu. 28:56a) so that her heart can find peaceful rest in belonging to him (Ruth 1:9)

Potential – she expects him to better himself throughout their married life and help her better herself (II Tim 2:15)

Purity – she expects him to value (Pr. 31:10) and guard her purity both before and after marriage (Heb. 13:4)

Privacy – she expects him to value her thoughts and to keep the innermost thoughts of her heart to himself (Pro 11:13, 20:19)

Perfection – she expects him to treat her as a perfect wife (Son 4:7, James 1:17, Pr. 31:28-29)

Possession – she expects him to belong to her and she to him (Song 2:16, 6:3, 7:10)

A man expects the “three warms,” a warm heart, a warm bed, and warm meals.

A woman worries about her future until she finds a husband.  A man doesn’t worry about anything until he has to support a wife.

Solomon’s work was vanity and chasing after wind because he did it for himself, see Ecc. 2.  Supporting his wife, children, and church validates a man’s work, it’s not vain because he does it for others.

Nothing straightens a man up like having a woman lean on him.

A wife’s drive to talk to her husband can be so intense that he thinks that anyone would do; he sometimes thinks she’d be just has happy talking to a wall.  A husband’s drive to take his wife can be so intense that she thinks he isn’t paying any attention to her as a person and that any woman would serve.  A woman doesn’t like feeling like an interchangeable sexual appliance; God commands each man to sanctify his wife (I Thes. 4:4) by knowing what makes her unique and make sure that she feels special when he takes her.  A woman should make her husband feel special when she talks to him.

Women, strictly speaking, do not have a sex drive, they have a drive to reproduce.  If a woman sets the sexual pace it's times per month, maybe per week.  With a man, it's times per day.  When her drive hits, however, she's not used to it and can't handle it.  That's how date rape happens - her date does the same light petting he did last weekend, but now she's ovulating, her desire to reproduce kicks in, and she's helpless.  A man has a hard enough time keeping his seed to himself when she's not in the mood, it's nearly impossible when she wants it.  No matter how she regrets it in the morning, he doesn't think of it as rape because she wanted it at the time.  The purpose of chaperons is to stop her when she can't stop herself.

Genesis 5:1-2 says that man and woman were created the same day (I Tim 2:13 says that Adam was formed first, they were created the same day) and that He “called their name Adam.”  Gen. 2:23 says that Eve was “taken out of man,” she couldn’t have been taken out had she not been in there to begin with.  The combined creature from which Eve was taken was made “in the likeness of God.”  An unmarried man, being incomplete (Gen. 2:18), is not in the image of God who stands alone (Is. 45:5).  A man should be careful whom he marries; his wife completes his image of God.