The Vital Role of Sex in Marriage

It’s important to understand the role of sex in marriage.  By sex, I mean the physical joining of one man and one woman into one flesh.  There are three aspects of sex that concern you throughout your life: the mechanical or medical aspects; the moral aspects; and the mental, or emotional, aspects of sex.  I’m not going to discuss sexual mechanics, I’m not going to explain “how to,” that’s too simple for a talk.

Sexual morality is also too simple for a talk.  Sexual morality, that is, “when to,” is only 50% more complicated than salvation.  Salvation is two words, “only believe,” that’s all.  God says that sexual morality is three words, “only within marriage.”  The “when to” of coming together physically is only after you’re married, period, end of story.  There’s a very good reason to obey this command which we’ll explore.

That leaves the emotional aspects of sex.  God designed men and women so that sex has a profound impact on our lives.  God made sex drives powerful to help couples stay married.  God designed sex to bless us but young people aren’t being taught how to handle sex.  Handling sex wrong brings great grief to many couples.

It may sound like I’m criticizing women, but the fault in how sex is handled in our day lies mostly with men.  Women aren’t being taught about men by older women, this leaves them vulnerable to being damaged by men who have sex with them outside marriage which goes against the Word of God.  God tells us what happens when we choose to go against His will:

And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul.  Psalm 106:15

This is another way of saying that we reap what we sow (Gal 6:7).  Men have sown disobedience to God in taking women without marrying them.  We’ll see how this particular sin brings leanness into a man’s soul.

Satan’s Lies

“Only believe” is all there is to salvation, but Satan adds charity, being a good person, rosaries, and anything else that might confuse you. “Only within marriage” is all there is to sexual morality, but Satan’s people add, “unless you use a condom,” “unless you love each other,” “unless you’re mature,” and other such nonsense.

Satan confuses salvation so people miss it and go straight to hell.  Satan confuses sexual morality so you’ll fall into immorality that blights your life.  This grieves God but makes Satan happy.  John 8:44 teaches that Satan is the “father of lies.”  Besides lies about salvation, Satan has loosed three great lies in our land:

1.     “Women shouldn’t depend on husbands.”  Like all Satan’s work, this lie is against the Word of God.  The Bible says three times, Song 2:16, 6:3, and 7:10, that the wife not only depends on her husband, she belongs to him.  Wives shouldn’t need liberation from husbands, they should depend on them and encourage husbands to lead, but women who’ve been damaged by fornication, rape, or divorce may be afraid to depend on men.  Women’s lib wrecks many marriages, Christian liberty builds marriages.

2.     “A welfare check is as good as a husband and father.”  Marriage-oriented welfare reforms are blocked by feminists who believe that men aren’t needed except to start a pregnancy, but juvenile crime statistics show that few women are able to raise law-abiding sons without help from fathers.  Most violent criminals had no father image while growing up.  Nothing straightens a man like having a woman lean on him.  There’s no stronger force for progress than a man working to care for a woman he loves; the welfare system denies young men this incentive and makes it easy for a woman to think she has no need to depend on a man.  They’ve nothing to do; the devil always finds work for idle hands.

3.     “Sex shouldn’t be discussed.”  Most Christian parents are too embarrassed to discuss sex with their children.  I Peter 1:14 says that God would not have you to be ignorant; ignorant teens can be seduced by lust into sexual experiments which curse their lives.   Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled:” there’s nothing wrong, embarrassing, impure, or shameful about sex within marriage.

Leaving children ignorant about sex and expecting them to behave as God wants them to behave is like saying nothing about driving, handing them keys, and expecting them to drive safely.  Children who drive in ignorance die; those who have sex in ignorance don’t die as often but often wish they were dead.

Embarrassment about sex goes way back.  The Song of Solomon deals with marriage, it’s pretty explicit about sex.  And how have scholars handled this book?  Have they dealt with it openly, or have they waffled?

Nowhere in Scripture does the unspiritual mind tread upon ground so mysterious and incomprehensible as in this book...  Dr. Schofield’s introduction to Solomon’s Song

What’s mysterious about the Song?  It’s a literal description of a husband and wife interacting in loving marriage.  It tells how to talk to your spouse, how to treat your spouse, and, yes, it encourages you to make love to your spouse as often as possible.  This book is mysterious only if you won’t admit it’s talking about sex.

Parents aren’t the only ones embarrassed about sex, brides returning from honeymoons are almost too shy to walk through the church doors.  Why are brides flustered?  Because they think people suspect they’ve had sex.

Why is being one flesh embarrassing?  Proverbs 18:22 says that he who findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor from the Lord.  A wife is a blessing to her husband, she’s God’s gift to her husband, sex is part of God’s gift, what’s wrong with that?  I Corinthians 11:9 says that women are made for men, what’s embarrassing about a wife belonging to her husband?

This shyness, this reluctance to discuss sex, is directly against the Word of God.  Deuteronomy 6:6-9 and 11:18-21 command parents to teach their children everything God said, all day and all night.  In Acts 20:27, Paul asserted that he had declared “all the counsel of God.”  II Timothy 3:15-16 teaches that all scripture is profitable.  I Peter 1:14 teaches that God would not have us to be ignorant lest we fall into the lusts of the lost.

Parents should teach the whole Bible.  Why aren’t teens taught about sex, there’s sex in the Bible?  God’s first command, “be fruitful and multiply,” (Genesis 1:29) told Adam and Eve to have sex.  Women say that’s a command to have babies and not a command to have make love, but here’s another verse:

Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravaged always with her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19

How does a wife bless her husband’s fountain?  What’s that talking about if it’s not about making love?

Sex Defines Marriage

While there’s more to marriage than sex, the physical part of marriage is important, especially to men.  We can’t really discuss marriage without talking about sex because sex is the defining characteristic of marriage.  A woman may guide a man’s house without marrying him, we have housemaids.  It’s OK for a woman to raise a man’s children without marrying him, we have nannies and teachers, most of whom are women.  A woman can feed a man without marriage, we have cooks.  She can work with or for a man.  A man and woman may do just about everything together without being married, but there’s one thing God says they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex.  Sex defines marriage; Isaac and Rebecca were married the moment he took her to wife but not until then.  Her promising to marry him didn’t marry them; they were married when he took her:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67

Although marriage generally requires a covenant that takes effect when they have sex, the Mosaic Law said that sex could define marriage without a prior commitment:

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.  Deu. 22:28-29

It didn’t matter whether the man raped or seduced her, coming together physically made them man and wife.  It’s significant that the man could never divorce her.  Deu. 24:1 said that a man could divorce his wife if “she find no favor in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her.”  By Jesus’ day, a man was permitted to divorce his wife for pretty much any reason (Matt. 19:3).  But a man who took her before marriage could never divorce his wife, “because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.”

We once had a similar custom.  Ever hear of “shotgun weddings?”  The man didn’t pay any money, but the girl’s father got out the ol’ shotgun and made sure the man made an “honest woman” out of her.

Sex Makes Marriage Happen

Why was Jacob eager to marry Rachel?  He worked for her father for seven years.  He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked together, and did things together.  Why wasn’t this enough for him?  Why did he want to marry her?  The Bible tells us why:

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

Jacob wanted to marry Rachel so that he could have sex with her, the Bible tells me so.  Jacob wasn’t the only man in the Bible who wanted to hurry up and get married so that he could take a woman to wife:

Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.  Ruth 3:18

What’s this, “will not be in rest”?  Married women know why the man wouldn’t be in rest until he’d finished the thing that very day.  Have men changed?  Have men changed at all?  Here’s what Ruth had said to Boaz:

I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman.  Ruth 3:9

It seems that Boaz didn’t think of marrying Ruth until she gave him the idea, but once she mentioned it, he thought it was a good idea.  The next morning Boaz runs out, gets witnesses, tells them he’s marrying Ruth, and then what?  “So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife” (Ruth 4:13).  What drives men to marry?

Sex Seals the Marriage Covenant

Sex not only drives men to marry, sex defines marriage.  Regardless of whatever ceremony goes before, the marriage covenant takes effect only when the groom takes his bride to wife.  “So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife” (Ruth 4:13).  Boaz’s telling the witnesses didn’t marry them; they became husband and wife when he took her.  The same sequence is seen in Genesis 24:67, “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife;” in that order.

Marriage is a sacred covenant instituted by God; Malachi 2:14 refers to “the wife of thy covenant.”  God’s covenants are sealed with blood.  The “New Covenant” is sealed with Jesus’ blood, for example (Heb. 12:24).  When God offered His covenant to Abraham, Abraham, the weaker party, gave up some of his animals to provide blood to bring God’s covenant into effect (Genesis 15).

When a virgin accepts a man’s offer of marriage, she, as the weaker party, gives up her innocence to provide blood to sanctify her marriage covenant with God and with her husband (Deu. 22:20-21).  Her blood, which the Bible calls “tokens of her virginity,” (Deu. 22:15, 17, 20) sanctifies her marriage covenant if he takes her in marriage; shedding her blood in fornication blasphemes God’s sacred covenant.

As described in Genesis 23:67, a marriage covenant takes effect when it’s sealed with the blood of the bride.  From that moment, “they are no more twain, but one flesh” (Mark 10:8, see also Matthew 19:6).  “One flesh” occurs 6 times in the Bible starting with Gen. 2:24, it refers to husband and wife becoming one in marriage.

The passages we’ve just seen show that husband and wife become one the moment the man sheds her blood to seal their marriage covenant.  A woman is able to shed this blood only once, divorce renders her blood sacrifice vain (Mark 7:7-8).  Ruth had no token to give, but as a widow, she was free to marry again (I Cor. 7:39).  Her second marriage covenant, like her first, took effect when Boaz took her to wife (Ruth 4:13).

Pouring out blood to seal a covenant with God is a solemn act.  Why do so many men dishonor women by pouring out their blood in fornication instead of taking them to wife in honor and in sanctification?  God condemns those who despise His blood-bound covenants:

He that despised Moses’ law died without mercy under two or three witnesses: of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace?  Hebrews 10:28-29, see also Daniel 5

People who despise God’s covenant of salvation spend eternity being punished in Hell.  People who despise God’s covenant of marriage generally make their own hell right here on earth.

Men Want Sex

Is the Bible clear about the basics of marriage, or what?  Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother’s tent, he gave her a home, he took her, she became his, he loved her, and she comforted him.  Ruth wanted Boaz to spread his coat over her and keep her warm, what does a woman want today?  She wants her man to put his arm around her and keep her warm and safe.  You see a young man with a young woman, she’s often wearing his jacket or shirt; she’s testing to see if he’ll keep her warm.  She wants a man to protect her, take care of her, talk to her, and appreciate her as God’s unique gift to him.

But what does he want?  He wants to have sex with her.  If she lets him have sex without marrying her, he’s less likely to marry her and won’t value her as much if he does marry.  What could be more basic?  Naomi told Ruth not to give Boaz rest, Boaz couldn’t be in rest, so he took Ruth to wife that day, what’s simpler than that?

It’s important to understand the power of physical desire.  Most women complain that it’s difficult to give gifts to husbands, sons or brothers.  Why is this?  The answer’s simple – it’s hard to give men gifts because men don’t want anything.  That’s not quite true, men do want something, what is it?  What do men want?  What desires did God design into men?

God knew what He was doing.  God planned for women to guide the house, which costs money.  God made men so that if his wife is pleased to belong to him, that is, he can have her whenever he wants her and she lets him know she likes being his by thanking him for taking her, he doesn’t want much else.  Then they can spend his income on the family.  If he can’t have her as often as he wants her, he spends money on toys trying to make himself happy.  That won’t work, of course, but it’s the best he can do if his wife isn’t his.

We all know the power of sex for evil, but it’s important to understand its power for good.  God commanded that young ladies be taught how to love their husbands.  Ladies, would God want you to teach something unclean or shameful?  There’s nothing wrong with explaining the physical side of marriage; God expects younger women to be taught what it’s about.  Being embarrassed to talk about making love is not of God.

What Solomon Didn’t Know

This brings us to an important point.  Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived, but he didn’t know everything, and he was particularly confused and frustrated by women.  God planned that love between husband and wife should be very fine indeed, listen to Solomon praising the wife of his youth:

Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.  How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices!  Song 4:9-10

In his youth, Solomon belonged to his wife; his affections were on her alone:

There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number.  My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her.  The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song 6:8-9

When he wrote that, Solomon’s wife was “but one” to him, he set her apart from all other women.  I don’t believe that he even saw other women.  The Bible tells us what came later:

But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites: of the nations concerning which the LORD said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love.  And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines:  For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father.  I Kings 11:1-4

Solomon’s wives turned him away from God.  Late in life, he wrote:

Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28

Solomon found joy with the wife of his youth.  In his old age, he was bitterly disappointed in women, even though he had a thousand.  Why?  What went wrong?  Solomon knew it should have been good:

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9

Solomon knew he should have been able to rejoice with at least one of his wives, but he mourned, “a woman among all those have I not found.”  Why?  Why was his soul vexed and empty when he had so many women?  Why couldn’t he rejoice with at least one?  Frustration with women is common, around 1645, Ibrahim I, Sultan of Turkey, got fed up and had the 280 women in his harem drowned in the Bosporus.  Belonging to a ruler wasn’t always a good deal for a woman, but why didn’t owning a lot of beautiful women work for Solomon?

Solomon had women who were readily available to him at any time.  Why was his soul vexed?  1,000 women belonged to him, he could have his choice whenever he wanted, why was his life empty?

I’ve asked many men this question.  They usually say, “Women are unmanageable,” few know that the man might possibly be in the wrong.  Why was Solomon, the wisest and richest man in the world, so frustrated?  What did Solomon not know?

Solomon didn’t realize that he had to treat one woman as his only wife by belonging to her.  He didn’t think of marriage as a man belonging to his wife and being hers even though Deuteronomy 17:17 told him not to “multiply wives.”  Deuteronomy says that having a lot of wives turns him away from God.  That happened to Solomon, but too many women also made his life empty.  He said, “which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not.”

He should have known the solution.  Solomon should have known that a woman needs to have a man belong to her in order to enjoy belonging to him, but he didn’t get it.  These women were Solomon’s, he had life and death power over them, but they didn’t like belonging to him so he was unhappy.  A man may command a woman and she may obey him but he can’t make her like it.  This frustrated Solomon; it frustrates God, too:

This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.  Matthew 15:8

If we don’t like belonging to God, we miss the joy of salvation.  If a man doesn’t care for his wife so that she likes belonging to him, he’ll miss the joy and glory God intended that she bring into his life.  He’ll end up frustrated and miserable just like Solomon.

Not Belonging Hurts Men

To understand why, we have to understand what God said about women.  I’m NOT knocking women.  If I point out that God made most women smaller than most men, would I be criticizing women?  Not unless I’m prepared to criticize God, who made both men and women.  If I go up on the roof, flap my arms, and jump off, I’d fall, right?  Suppose I broke my leg, could I cry, “How could a loving God let me fall and get hurt?”  Would you sympathize with me, or would you say, “You fool, you tried to break God’s law.  You break God’s law of gravity, you fall down and go boom, it’s your own stupid fault!”  Wouldn’t you say that?

God made everything, the law of gravity is one of God’s laws, but it’s not in the Bible.  The Bible doesn’t talk about gravity because God knows we’ll figure it out by learning to walk.  I’ve read scientific papers, scientists know what gravity does, they believe in gravity, but they haven’t a clue what it’s all about.

Scientists also believe in women, but few have any clue what women are all about even though the Bible teaches men how to be blessed by women.  Nobody complains of injustice if gravity hurts him, yet I know many men including Solomon who break God’s laws about women and then complain that God made women wrong.

What did Solomon’s first wife say about him?  Twice, she said, “I am my lovers and he is mine.”  (Song 2:16, 6:3).  She said a 3^rd time, “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me” (7:10).  She liked being his, she was happy that he wanted her because he was hers.  A woman enjoys belonging to a man who’s glad to belong to her.  Solomon was glad to belong to her, he said, “Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot on thee” (Song 4:7), he knew she was perfect for him, that’s what “no spot” means, and he told her she was perfect.

Once he had many wives, however, Solomon couldn’t belong to any of them.  A man can barely open his heart to one wife and talk to her enough to belong to her, that takes several hours per day.  There’s no way Solomon could belong to all thousand of his wives and concubines, there simply wasn’t enough time for talk.

Opening his heart to his wife several hours per day may seem ridiculous to a man, but opening her body to her husband several times per day seems ridiculous to a woman.  Each party needs grace from the other, but they have to belong to each other for grace to abound.  Not belonging to any wife made Solomon’s soul empty.

Not Belonging Hurts Women

The Bible tells us how a woman feels when a man won’t belong to her:

And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me?  Judges 16:15

What did Delilah say?  “How can you say you love me when your heart’s not with me?”  He said he loved her, he took her, she was his, but was he hers?  No, his heart wasn’t hers, he didn’t belong to her as God intended.  He gave her the world’s love, which is desire, or lust, the world’s love is not based on an open-heart relationship.  Proverbs 31 says, “the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.”  God expects a man to give his heart to his wife, it’s OK to be hers, she’ll do him good and not evil.  Samson told Delilah that he loved her, he took her without opening his heart to her, she was his but he wasn’t hers, he betrayed her.

Haven’t you heard, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”?  Delilah was taken and then scorned.  Most people have heard about the result of her fury.  I Samuel 19 tells how Michel’s desire was to her husband; she lied to her father to save her husband’s life.  Would Delilah have betrayed Samson if he’d belonged to her?

Ladies, if Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, and Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, didn’t understand how to belong to a wife, you can’t blame your men for not knowing.  But men, it’s another way marriage is like salvation.  Jesus loves all sinners, He’s not willing that any should perish, but Christ’s love does no good if a sinner doesn’t know about it.  That’s why God commands us to tell others about Christ’s love.

You may have sanctified your wife, you may be glad you married her, you may appreciate all she does, but how can she know this?  Can she read your mind?  Your love doesn’t do her much good unless she knows about it, you have to tell her over and over.  That’s why God commands husbands to praise their wives in detail.

So tell her you’re glad you married her.  Tell her you’re glad God gave her to you.  Tell her you appreciate all the work she does.  God tells you to praise her, and He gave the Song of Solomon to teach you how.  Remember, not only is there no criticism in the Song, nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.

The Importance of Sex to a Man

Men know how important sex is to men, but let me tell you a few stories to help women catch on.  I was on a plane and got talking to an older woman about houses.  I tell her I don’t think men care much about houses, a house is just a place to keep a woman.  She thinks a bit, and says, “Yeah, you men don’t care about houses.  All you men care about, all you men ever think about, is keeping us women in the mood.”

I start to reply, and she says, “You men think you’re thinking about work, or maybe sports, but you’re not.  I’ve 2 married sons and 2 married daughters.  We women get together and compare.  All you men ever think about is keeping us in the mood.”  When I asked my wife, she said the lady might have a point.

Women are aware of sex, but they approach it differently.  A man goes into a lingerie store; his wife wants something.  He looks at the frilly nightgowns, the underwear, bathrobes, shampoo, soap.  He gets bored, and asks a salesgirl, “Haven’t you anything in this store for men?”

She looks at him, her eyes get big, and she says, “But sir, everything in this store is for men.”

Women who buy frilly underclothes are aware of sex, maybe, but men and women aren’t on the same planet when it comes to sex.  There’s a marriage counselor who begins by interviewing the husband and wife separately, then he gets them together.  He asks the man how often they make love.  The man says, “Hardly ever, it’s really frustrating.  No matter what I do, she won’t do it more than 2 or 3 times a week.”

When he asks the wife, she says, “All the time, it’s constant.  I can’t satisfy that man.  Now matter what I do, he insists on doing it at least 2 or 3 times per week.”  They’re in agreement, or are they?

I’m not sure men and women can agree about sex.  I took Roberta to wife in 1971.  We’ve made love a fair amount since, but when I grab her, she usually asks, “What do you want?”  50 years and she hasn’t learned what I want?  When she comes to me I know she wants to talk, but she doesn’t know what I want.  Or does she?

I install computers in auto plants.  Every auto plant I’ve seen has an exercise room because if people exercise, they get sick less.  Auto plants try hard to get people to exercise and save money on health care.  I see a woman putting up posters about using the exercise room.  I tell her posters won’t work, and I ask her if she wants to know what would get the men to exercise.  She says, “Yes,” so I ask her, “What does a man want real bad that he could have more of if he were in better shape?”

She gets real quiet, the wheels spin a while, and she says, “Yeah, but there are problems with that.”

I say, “I understand, but it would shorten your widowhood.”

There are problems, women don’t want sex as much as men do.  If a man’s in good shape, he could have sex more often, but if she won’t, he’ll just be frustrated, so why stay in shape?  Ladies, what would happen if you said, “Thank you, I like being yours.  We could do that more often if you got some exercise?”  Men generally die before their wives.  Helping your husband live longer would shorten your years of widowhood.

No matter how hard a man exercises, however, there comes a time when it just isn’t there any more and he ends up shootin’ pool with a rope.  That is very frustrating, let me tell you, but it happens to us old men whether we admit it or not.  It happened to Abraham which made Sarah unhappy, read Genesis 18:12.

The Bible tells of one man who made it to the very end.  Who was that?

And Moses was an hundred and twenty years old when he died: his eye was not dim, nor his natural force abated.  Deuteronomy 34:7

“His eye was not dim,” Moses didn’t get cataracts, but what’s that other part?  Ladies, what’s a man’s “natural force?”  Moses was 120 and he could do it like he was 18!  40 years leading the Children of Israel all over the desert, the Bible tells of problems and frustrations, but what a reward!  Now that’s a medical plan!

Exodus 4 tells us that when God asked Moses to lead His people out of Egypt, Moses didn’t want the job, but God didn’t tell Moses about this reward.  What if God had told Moses how it would turn out?  What if God said, “You won’t end up shootin’ pool with a rope, Moses, I’ll take care of it.  You’ll make it 40 more years to the very end.”  What would Moses have said?

“Yee Hah!  Gangway pharaoh, we’re comin’ thought.  You’re lettin’ my people go!”  Can you imagine?

The Burden of Sex for a Woman

We’ve seen that men want to make love pretty badly.  Most men I know have learned that women don’t generally want lovemaking nearly as much as men do.  In fact, medical researchers have found that a woman’s libido, which is a fancy word for sex drive, varies with the month.  Some of the time, a woman isn’t interested at all and nothing a man can do will get her interested.  That’s why God commands women to submit, it isn’t natural for a woman to open her body when she’s not interested in making love.

But there are times when the slightest touch of a man’s hand will get a woman flaming with desire.  These times, which can be as short as a few minutes per month depending on the woman, come when she’s about to ovulate, which is the time when she’s most likely to get pregnant.

Strictly speaking, women don’t have a sex drive; they have a drive to get pregnant.  A woman won’t generally just want to make love, she wants to gather her man’s strength unto herself, nurture his seed within her, and bear his children.  Women think that being fruitful and multiplying means having babies, but men don’t always link sex with babies.  There’s an old saying, “the night my father got me, his mind was not on me.”

From a woman’s point of view, if she makes love when she doesn’t want it, lovemaking is messy, invasive, and boring.  Men understand messy and invasive, but boring?  How could the most wonderful thing in all the world be boring?  Think, men.  Most men often find talking with women boring because women seem to want to talk about the same old thing over and over.  From a woman’s point of view, the man wants to do the same old thing over and over, that’s why it’s often boring to her.

Think about it.  If men liked to talk as much as women like it or if women wanted to make love as much as men want it, nobody would ever get anything done and children would go hungry.

The worst thing about lovemaking from the woman’s point of view isn’t the mess, invasion, or being bored.  Opening her body when she doesn’t want it is humbling.  It takes away her independence and makes her feel dependent on the man.  The Bible says that being taken by a man humbles a woman (Deu. 22:28-29, Ezekiel 22:10-11).  But if she gives herself out of love for her husband, it’s beautiful.

The Burden of Dependence

Women are generally not strong enough to hunt or farm.  For most of history, women couldn’t feed themselves without help from a man.  For most of history, sex was likely to make a woman pregnant, and she’d be more dependent if she got pregnant.  If she didn’t have a man to feed her, she and her children would probably starve to death.  That’s part of why God gave women an instinct to cling to the man who takes her.

It’s frightening to be taken in marriage, every bride decides whether to depend on her new husband and belong to him or to try to keep her independence and belong to herself.  When a woman is taken outside marriage, she knows she can’t depend on this guy.  He should have protected her from his desires; he didn’t.  She can’t count on him to protect her, she has to protect herself.  She’s afraid to belong to him, and her fear makes it hard to love him fully.  Fear is the enemy of love.  God gives a way for couples to be healed of this sin:

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.  James 5:16

Being healed requires that husband and wife confess their sin to each other as well as to God.  It’s hard enough to confess to God whom we can’t see; confessing to each other is harder.  Is that why few do it?

Modern society teaches women not to depend on their husbands which makes this situation worse.  Having been taken outside marriage, if an independent-minded woman goes into marriage without having settled in her heart and mind that God expects her to belong to her husband, she’ll generally try to keep her independence.  Sex makes her feel dependent, so she’ll most likely deflect her husband’s desire to take her instead of opening her body freely to him.  This frustrates him terribly, makes him feel unloved, and can make him ill.

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when desire cometh, it is a tree of life.  Proverbs 13:21

That’s certainly how it is with sex.  Suppose a man loves and desires his wife.  If she won’t make love to him often enough, his hope is deferred and he can become sick.  A woman can’t fully submit to her husband from her heart without losing her sense of independence.  A woman can usually make love often enough to have children and to meet her own needs, but she can’t meet her husband’s needs while belonging to herself.

God Commands Dependence

There is absolutely no room in Christian marriage for independence for either husband or wife.  God expects husband and wife to belong to each other, it’s mutual:

My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song 2:16

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song 6:3

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.  Song 7:10

What does belonging to his wife mean to the husband?  She’s perfect, she’s the only woman in the world:

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.  Song 4:7

My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song 6:9

Belonging to his wife means opening his heart to her by thinking she’s perfect, telling her she’s perfect, telling her why he’s attracted to her in detail, and telling everyone else that she’s perfect for him.

What does belonging to her husband mean to the wife in the Song?  It’s physical:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.  Song 1:2

I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.  His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song 8:2-3

What’s that last passage talking about?  Note, she wants her mother to “instruct me,” she wants her mother to tell her what men are all about.  Then what?  What does a woman have one of that interests her husband?  What does this woman think that she and her husband ought to be doing?

There is absolutely no room in Christian marriage for independence for either husband or wife.  Marriage is a mutual dependence:

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.  I Corinthians 7:3-5

Many men believe that the “due benevolence” a man owes his wife is meeting her sexual needs.  That’s silly.  According to the dictionary, “benevolence” means 1: disposition to do good 2: an inclination to do kind or charitable acts 3: an act intending or showing kindness and good will.  Although they can and should be kind and gentle when making love, men don’t have sex out of kindness, a man has sex because he has a strong sex drive.  Letting her husband take her when she’s not in the mood is the wife’s benevolence to her husband.

So what’s the husband’s benevolence to his wife?  That depends on the wife and on what she needs, but in general, wives want to be part of their husband’s lives.  A wife wants her husband to open his heart to her in conversation.  She wants to know what he’s thinking, what he’s doing, and how he feels about it.  Opening his heart can be as frightening and as humbling for a man as opening her body can be for a woman.

It’s humbling to become a Christian, a sinner has to admit that he can’t save himself and ask Jesus to do it.  It’s humbling to be a Christian, we’re commanded to submit ourselves to each other.  It’s humbling to be married, God expects a man to open his heart to his wife when she wants him and for her to open her body to him when he wants her.

As described in Genesis 23:67, a marriage covenant takes effect when it’s sealed with the blood of the bride.  From that moment, “they are no more twain, but one flesh” (Mark 10:8, see also Matthew 19:6).  They can’t become one while staying independent.  When you have a roommate in college or share an apartment, you’re dependent on your roommate, you have to give up a lot of your “rights” to get along.

In Deu. 22:28-29, God said that a man who took a woman humbled her.  In English, this sounds like something the man does to the woman, but the original Hebrew has the meaning of the woman humbling herself.  Becoming a man was humbling for Jesus.  Was that something God the Father did to Jesus?  No, Philippians 2:8 says, “he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.” 

A woman who’s planning to get married should be prepared to die to herself and to humble herself before her husband.  A man who’s planning to marry has to die to himself and humble himself before his wife.  A man is not supposed to humble his wife, God expects a woman to humble herself and become obedient to her husband and to submit to him.  A woman can’t be the wife God wants her to be while staying independent.  A husband can’t nourish and cherish her as God expects while staying independent of her.

Women may find this hard to believe, but it humbles a man to open his heart to a woman.  God teaches:

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:24

It is as wrong for a man or woman to share their hearts outside marriage as it is to share their bodies.  They have to talk enough during courtship to be sure that they can open themselves to each other, but “emotional fornication” can be as damaging as physical fornication.  I Corinthians 7:1 says that it is better that a man not touch a woman so as to inflame her, but a woman can be inflamed by words alone.  Being inflamed with desire takes away her ability to see whether he’s the man God wants for her and leads them both into temptation.  Talking too intimately can inflame both men and women, rouse emotions which affect their judgment, and make it hard for them to depend on God to show them whether they should marry.

Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it:  Psalm 127:1a

How can the Lord build the house unless we involve Him in deciding whether to build the house at all?  God lets people get involved in difficult relationships if they don’t ask Him for advice.  It’s hard to seek God’s will if you’re inflamed with lust.  When you lust, God lets you proceed, of course:

And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul.  Psalm 106:15

Emotional fornication and physical fornication both send leanness into your soul.

Independence Denies God

When we insist on independence from each other, we’re really declaring independence from God.  Depending on God from the beginning is the first step in depending on one’s spouse.  God tells us that husbands and wives should belong to each other and depend on each other, but we don’t want to depend on anyone.  In wanting independence, we’re denying God’s role in our lives.  Paul explained this on Mars Hill:

Neither is worshipped with men's hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things;  Acts 17:25

For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring.  Acts 17:28

Christians are members of the body of Christ, we depend on each other.  Husband and wife are one flesh, they belong to each other and depend on each other.  How can they be “no more twain” and independent?

What did Satan offer Eve when he tempted her to disobey God?  He offered her independence:

For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.  And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.  Genesis 3:5-6

The fruit appealed to the lust of the eyes and to the lust of the flesh, but its primary appeal was to Eve’s pride of life.  She wanted to be wise so that she could be “as gods.”  Satan said that she and Adam would be independent beings like God.  That way, they wouldn’t have to depend on God or on each other.  Satan deceived Eve by offering her independence.  The Bible blames Adam, of course.  He wasn’t deceived (I Tim 2:14), and he was right there “with her,” it’s too bad he didn’t protect her.

God had given Adam the job of keeping the garden (Genesis 2:15), the word “keep” means to protect.  Adam knew he was supposed to protect the garden, but he failed.

We’re no better than Adam and Eve.  What do we have today?  Women are being deceived into thinking that they can have sex outside marriage without anything being wrong with it.  We have men failing to protect women from their desires and taking them in fornication instead of taking them in marriage.  This makes it difficult for husband and wife to trust each other, which makes it hard for them to give themselves to each other.  This leads to frustration and anger which lead to divorce.  And God hates divorce (Matt 19:6, Mar 10:9).

Ann’s Story

Let me tell you of a woman I’ll call “Ann.”  Her mother told Ann to talk to us about marriage.  When Roberta told Ann and her sister that a husband would want her “five times before breakfast, and to start again when he gets back from work,” the sister was angry, but Ann said, “I hope I find a husband who’s worth that.”

We next saw Ann when she was in college.  She’d met a man.  When their eyes met, she knew he’d be important to her.  They’d talked a bit about a class they shared, but nothing beyond that.  When I was telling her that women desire to please men and that God made women for men, I asked her, “If he telephoned and told you that you and he were getting married next week, would you do it?”  She said, “Yes, of course.”

They hadn’t dated, they’d talked only a little, but her heart was bound to this man.  Watch out!

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:24

It’s easy for a woman or a man to become emotionally involved even when they don’t want to.  We prayed for Ann as she went back to college, she was at risk of serious damage.

We next saw her on her way to a summer workshop.  She said, “There’s something really weird about your relationship.  Roberta belongs to you.”  I showed her verses which explain that God expects husband and wife to belong to each other and for the wife to obey her husband and to submit to him.  I said, “Don’t take my word for it.  Read the Bible for yourself and ask God if that’s what He wants of you.”

We later hear she’s going to marry a man she met at the workshop.  He buys her a cell phone, the kind you stick in your ear so you can talk freely.  Ann leaves college, goes back to her parents’ house, and every morning, she puts on her cell phone.  Her fiancé does a lot of driving, whenever he’s in the car, he calls Ann.  We visited her parents and watched her drop everything when he called.  I told her, “You realize, he’s leashed you with that cell phone.”  Her face got soft, she smiled, and said, “Yes, it is a leash, but I like it.”

She liked it because in talking to her, he opened his heart to her and became hers.  She ended up really wanting to be his, but the cell phone was a chaperone; they kept apart until the wedding.

She called us a few months after her wedding.  She’d been reading Psalm 24 where it talks about the king of glory coming in, and said, “God expects me to welcome my husband into my body as joyfully and as gladly as we welcome Jesus into our hearts.”  Right.  Ann got it.

But remember, ladies, how fragile she was.  Her heart got involved with a man with only a little talk.  They didn’t date, but she was vulnerable to him.  Her parents couldn’t protect her when she was away from them.  She and her parents asked God to protect her and God brought her to the marriage altar in purity.

Ladies, the Bible teaches that you can’t rely on your parents to protect you.  II Samuel 13 tells us how Amnon fooled David into sending David’s daughter Tamar to cook Amnon a meal.  When she came to his house, he raped her (13:14).  What happened then?

Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her.  And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone.  II Samuel 13:15

Tamar not only had permission to go to Amnon’s house, her dad told her to go.  That didn’t protect her.  The second lesson is that, having had her without marrying her, Amnon’s love for her turned to hatred and he threw her out.  Does this always happen?  No, some men are tender and caring after raping a woman:

And his soul clave unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.  Genesis 34:3

Genesis 34 tells how Dinah went out to “see the daughters of the land.”  She wasn’t looking for boys, but she ended up getting raped.  Her rapist loved her and spoke kindly to her, but it didn’t turn out well.

Sex is Central to Marriage

Sex exalts a husband:

Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.  Psalm 19:5

The new husband feels on top of the world!  His wife’s giving herself to him is truly and totally wonderful.  Belonging to her husband takes away a woman’s independence, but God compensated for that by letting a woman rejoice in how much joy she gives her husband.

Sex is a powerful force indeed.  Knowing that life is full of stressful problems, God made sex powerful to hold marriages together.  Safe within the fireplace of marriage, sex warms you all your days.  When the heat gets outside the fireplace, however, it can burn your life to the ground.