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A Glorious Wife, Without Spot or Wrinkle: Reward of Godly Leadership. 2
Dwelling According to Knowledge. 3
Husband Leads in Appreciation. 4
Wife Respects Her Husband and Guides His House. 4
Marriage and Salvation Use The Same Plan. 5
Handling Disputes and Anger at Home, at Church, at Work, and in the World. 9
What if You Don’t Heal Hurts as They Happen?. 9
Settling a Group Offense God’s Way. 9
Giving Offense Offends God. 10
We Cannot Live without Law.. 11
The Problem of Human Carnality. 11
Half-Page Explanation
Our man-woman thing isn’t working. The internet is full of painful relationship stories even though marriage done God’s way brings great joy. You lose the blessing God wants for you if you don’t do it His way.
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
You can’t separate God’s love from God’s holiness. His love makes Him want to bless you, but His holiness means He can’t bless you unless you keep His commandments.
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven that compares with having his wife LIKE belonging to him, but he must CONVINCE her that he delights in nourishing, cherishing, and opening his heart to her for that to work. She can make him no happier than he makes her (Ecc 9:9[1]). How happy does he want to be?
God made marriage so simple that He could explain it in one verse:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
· Isaac supplied the tent – he paid the bills. A man’s proposal must include food, clothing, and shelter. A boy can’t pay for her; all he can do is play with her. That never ends well for either of them.
· She became his wife, not his “friend with benefits” – they both made public marriage vows first.
· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. Every wife can comfort her husband, but it’s emotionally exhausting. Being reminded often that he loves her renews her energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires daily praise by both husband and wife as taught in the Bible (Song 1:2[2]).
80-90% of how marriage works out depends on how a husband values his wife, but she sets her value by her conduct before they marry (Pr. 31:10[3]) and by her plan to be a treasured, unmerited gift from God.
Being kind enough that your spouse feels safe being around you is the key to a long-term marriage.
Someone Must Teach Women About Men is what a man would want his future wife to know.
Someone Must Teach Men About Women is what a woman would want her future husband to know.
The book is at https://a.co/d/iuZNhGi
The Book of Esther explains that the only way king Ahasuerus could keep his wives from coming to his office to talk to him when he hadn’t invited them was to threaten them with DEATH! This shows how strongly wives yearn to know their husbands. This yearning explains Solomon’s problem:
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Opening his heart enough to satisfy a woman takes so much time that a man can’t do it with more than one wife. Solomon owned a thousand women, he had life and death power over them, yet his soul was empty. Why? Because a woman can’t enjoy belonging to a man who doesn’t belong to her (Judges 16:15a[4]). Instead of one wife as happy as the wife in the Song of Solomon, he had 1,000 frustrated, unhappy women wandering around his palace. No wonder his soul was empty.
Marriage prospers if a man strives to nourish, cherish, appreciate, and talks about his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she dedicates herself to being God’s good and perfect gift to him.
A Glorious Wife, Without Spot or Wrinkle: Reward of Godly Leadership
This passage outlines a goal and a reward for a husband’s spiritual leadership of his wife:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
Although a man should be ready at any time to give his life to protect his wife from danger, God generally expects a man to give his life day by day to nourish her and cherish her. I earn so much per hour. When we spend that much on home, children, or church, I have freely given one hour of my life to walking God’s path of service (Mk. 9:35[5], 10:44[6]) as He wants me to walk (Rom. 12:1[7]).
Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat “The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity (1 Tim. 5:2).” Girls must be taught to insist that men deal with them in purity as God commands or they will be tempted to fall into sexual sin.
Eph. 5:27 shows Christ using His Word to bring His church to Himself “a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle or any such thing.” As spiritual leader, a husband should use the Word of God to gently present his wife to himself as a “glorious wife not having spot or wrinkle.”
Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song of Solomon 6:9a
The husband tells his wife she’s a glorious wife, without spot or wrinkle. His wife needs her friends to know he’s pleased with her; he recharges her batteries by telling everyone she’s uniquely perfect for him.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
Being convinced of his love gave her the emotional energy she needed to be able to comfort him even for the death of his mother, the first sorrow of his life which his mother could not comfort.
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18
Saying you love your wife is good, but talk is cheap. What you do speaks so loudly that nobody can hear what you say. Wives appreciate husbands putting toilet seats down, and there are many small ways to show love and appreciation. Rinse the sink after brushing your teeth. Comb the hair out of her hairbrush.
Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. John 15:15
Explaining your plans and goals promotes your wife to friend. It takes time and practice for a man to learn to talk to his wife in a way that connects to her emotions.
I was homeschooled and welcomed my wife’s knowledge, but it took a year to begin to understand her feelings. Building an emotional connection helped her be my glorious wife as she liked belonging to me. Her conscious choice to belong to me made opening my heart to her less scary. Connect in the other’s way!
This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:32
“Christ and the church” was the mystery, not the relationship between man and wife.
Many Christians have forgotten the part of Holy Matrimony where the husband renews his wife’s emotional energy through praise, appreciation, and showing many small acts of kindness. This gives her the strength to give comfort in time of sorrow and to hold the family together during trials.
Two-Page Marriage Handout
The foundation of joyful Holy Matrimony is both parties being convinced in their bones that God is good.
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8, 15, 21, 31
The man knows that everything about his wife that irritates him is from God to bless him. His wife knows that everything about him that drives her crazy is from God to bless her. It may take years of asking God for wisdom to figure out how they’re blessed, but the way God made men and women blesses both.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:40
Being Married
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
1. Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well.
2. She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they both made public marriage vows before he took her.
3. Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting a man is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:2[8]).
Attitude of Gratitude
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
A man limits his wife’s ability to make him happy unless he shows appreciation of everything about her.
Getting Married
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18 The best advice on getting married there is.
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth suggested it, it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. If a woman gives a man rest outside marriage, her value falls (Pr. 31:10[9]). What would marriage give that he doesn’t have? Why take on responsibility?
Dwelling According to Knowledge
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
This means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, and feelings and think about her when making decisions. If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband always brings home chocolate, does he love her? Will she feel loved? The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation. There’s a reward – the better your wife knows you, the more easily she can please you.
Staying Married
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome him into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather not is what submission means. She has more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his energy to keep him focused. If she sends him off to work loaded, he may be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28[10]).
Husband Leads by Serving
And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
Husband Leads in Appreciation
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Mrs. Lemuel taught her son to praise his wife and teach his children to follow his example of praising and appreciating her. This teaches the “attitude of gratitude” which blesses them all their lives. Praise is partly to encourage his wife and partly to teach her children to respect her. If her daughters respect her, she can teach them how to be treasures for their future husbands instead of being toys. If her sons respect her, she can teach them how to be blessed by their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son in Pr. 31.
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Not once. Really? What about this?
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Job 2:9
Job’s wife lost seven sons who were her hope of being fed after her husband died – no pensions. Her husband lost his money and spoke of dying. He said she spoke “like a foolish woman.” That implied she wasn’t usually foolish, it was halfway a compliment. He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
A husband’s criticism dries his wife’s bones and can shorten her life. Praise helps her live longer.
God Speaks to Women
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to value her dream. He should have let the help meet God gave help him.
Wife Respects Her Husband and Guides His House
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
Women are driven to talk about caring for husbands, children, and homes. That’s a good thing – they share knowledge about how to be better wives and mothers.
Marriage and Salvation Use The Same Plan
God knew that we would have trouble with His plan of salvation. He knew we couldn’t possibly handle two plans, one for salvation and one for marriage, so He made one plan work for both.
There are many short ways to explain marriage so that you can help your friends build their marriages.
· Salvation and marriage are both undeserved gifts of God’s grace. Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves the blessings of marriage. A man is not worthy of his wife’s submission, obedience, or her calling him “Lord,” that’s an undeserved gift of God’s grace to him. A woman is not worthy of her husband’s giving his life to nourish and cherish her, that’s God’s undeserved gift to her.
· Salvation and marriage both show the grace of God to the lost. We’re required to “give an answer” (I Pet. 3:15[11]) when people ask why we live as we do. Our marriages are our greatest opportunity to show we’re different from the lost. When the lost see a wife giving her husband undeserved grace or a husband giving his wife undeserved grace, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves, and we get to tell them how to find it.
· When we give the gospel, we may hear, “God can’t save me, my sins are too great.” When we give the plan of marriage, we may hear, “God can’t save my marriage, it’s too far gone.” That’s pride – how can anyone think their sin or their marriage problems are greater than the God who created the universe?
· People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Salvation spend eternity in Hell. People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Marriage can create their very own Hell right here on earth. Marriage can either give a foretaste of the joys of Heaven or it can give a foretaste of the punishment of the damned in Hell.
· Once we’re saved, our love for Christ constrains us to serve Him (II Cor. 5:14[12], Eph. 2:10[13], Phi. 2:4[14]). Once we’re married, our love for each other should constrain us to serve each other (1 Pet. 5:5[15]). God wants us to serve our spouses, families, and churches; we serve God by choosing to serve each other.
· Salvation is based on a personal relationship with Christ Jesus. Marriage is based on a personal relationship between husband and wife. If your relationship with Christ is messed up, you can’t have a proper relationship with your spouse. If your relationship with Christ is based on true, saving faith, you can choose to base your relationship with your spouse on God’s formula.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
· John 3:16-17[16] gives all you must know to be saved. Genesis 24:67[17] gives all you must know for a successful marriage, but teaching helps. We labor to prepare children for good jobs but don’t teach Godly marriage. Not teaching marriage is like giving them a car without any training and expecting them to drive in traffic without getting hurt. As with salvation, “discipleship” is essential for successful marriage.
· We must keep our hearts perfect with the Lord our God as David did. David sinned, but he never worshipped any other god. Married people must keep their hearts perfect not only with God but also with each other. Couples must never worship any other god and never get involved with any other person.
· Salvation prepares us for the joys of living forever with Jesus and serving Him in Heaven. God planned marriage to give both husband and wife a foretaste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
· Once saved, we become one with Christ. Once married, husband and wife should become one flesh (Mt. 19:5-6[18], Mk. 10:8[19]). We can’t be one in Christ without dying to our former life. Husband and wife can’t become one in each other without dying to their former individual selves in favor of serving the family.
· Saved people should glorify God in all that they do; glorifying God helps us become his ambassadors (II Cor. 5:20[20]). Married people should glorify God and glorify each other together in all that they do.
· Some people give money to the church to pay God for favors. A “cheerful giver” gives to God out of love and not to get from Him. The Song of Solomon shows a husband and wife giving to each other out of love and not in hope of getting from the other. Works-based salvation is idolatry; works-based marriage is whoredom. Works-based “salvation” takes you to Hell; works-based marriage makes life Hell on earth.
· Salvation supports marriage; knowing we belong to Christ (I Co. 6:19[21]) makes it easier to belong to a spouse. If a woman belongs to Christ, it’s easier to accept God giving her to her husband (Lk. 17:27[22]). If a man knows that Christ gave His life for him, it’s easier for him to give his life for his wife (Eph. 5:25[23]).
· Marriage supports salvation. As husband and wife appreciate and praise one another and share God’s grace by forgiving each other, their marriage reminds them both to praise and appreciate God (Ps. 100).
· Rejoicing in the Lord reminds us to rejoice in marriage and vice versa (Phi 4:4[24]). Ecc. 9:9 says, “Rejoice with the wife whom thou lovest…” Joy in marriage must be shared.
· Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Satan confuses people into thinking it’s belief plus works or church so people miss salvation and go to Hell. Marriage is two words, “only praise,” but many people think they should change their spouses instead of letting the Holy Spirit bring change. When people usurp the Holy Spirit’s role in their marriage, they usually miss the joys of marriage and may create Hell on earth.
· Marriage doesn’t just give us companionship; we have duties to our spouses which God expects us to fulfill. Husbands must love their wives (Eph. 5:25257), wives must reverence husbands (Eph. 5:33[25]). Love and reverence are acts of will which we decide to do.
· Jesus begins a good work in us at the point of salvation (2 Pet. 3:18[26]). He helps us grow in grace until the day He returns (Phi. 1:6[27]). Husband and wife begin a good work of growing in grace together at marriage and continue encouraging each other until death.
· Salvation doesn’t just take us to Heaven; we have work to do for Christ (2 Cor. 5:14[28]). “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them (Eph. 2:10).” Serving your family and church serves Christ in this life.
· When Jesus’ blood washes away our sins, God sees us as perfect (I Cor. 6:11[29]). Christians must follow after God (Eph. 5:1-2[30]) and see each other as perfect. Marriage prospers when a man appreciates and honors his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s good and perfect gift to him.
· The only way a man can see his sinful wife as perfect is for him to see her through the grace God gave in saving him. The only way a wife can see her sinful husband as perfect is for her to see him through the grace God gave her. When lost people see couples sharing God’s grace, they want God’s grace for themselves, and we tell them how to get it. That’s how our light shines before men (Mt. 5:16[31]).
· Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;” (Mt 11:29). A bride takes upon herself the yoke of pleasing her husband (Gen. 3:16[32]). The only way to rest (Ruth. 1:9a[33]) in being sure she’ll please him is to spend time talking to him and learning of him so she knows he’ll be pleased with what she does.
· Jesus said, “for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Mt. 11:29) A man must be meek towards his wife and must lead her by serving her (Mk. 10:42-45[34], see also Mk. 9:35[35]). He must talk to her a great deal in order to understand her needs well enough to lead her for her benefit.
· Jesus said, He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it (Mt. 10:39). When we accept salvation, we lose our former lives and gain a new life in Christ. When we marry, we lose our former individual selves and gain a new life as a one-flesh married couple.
· God’s salvation covenant is forever; once saved, always saved (John 10:28[36]). God’s marriage covenant ends only at death (Rom. 7:1-3[37], the book of Ruth).
If you’re saved and relate to God as He desires, your marriage works because you’ll serve God by serving each other. The relationship between husband and wife is based on their relationships to God.
And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; II Corinthians 5:18
Having been reconciled to God, we should be able to minister reconciliation to each other. If husband and wife each reconcile themselves to God and relate to God by honoring, praising, loving, and obeying Him, they’ll relate properly to each other by honoring, praising, loving and appreciating each other. Their marriage prospers, and they show the grace of salvation to the lost.
And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:15
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. II Corinthians 4:10
As lost people see Christians giving God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves. If either party messes up their relationship with God, on the other hand, their testimony is damaged and the marriage seldom works well even if they both have been taught how marriage should work.
Knowing what God says about marriage helps you heal the broken marriages you’ll encounter. God ordains joyful marriage; a damaged marriage means that someone isn’t following God.
Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: Psalm 127:1
No matter how hopeless the situation seems, God promises a way out, but we have to ask:
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10:13
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
Handling Disputes and Anger at Home, at Church, at Work, and in the World
God expects His people and His churches to come together in fellowship without offense or anger:
That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. I Corinthians 12:25
God also told us how to resolve any disagreement, trespass, or offense. God’s plan for finding peace requires that we have a humble, practical willingness to deal with whatever robs the soul and spirit of peace and joy. Healing disagreement is important in any group, family, or church because we need each other:
And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; I Corinthians 12:26a
We can’t accomplish God’s purpose in our local church if the Body of Believers is divided or in anger.
Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth. Luke 11:17b
Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:4
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26
We must heal hurts fast because memories fade. These are God’s commands for restoring peace:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Matthew 18:15-17
The Scofield Reference Bible put the heading “CHURCH DISCIPLINE” before Mt. 18:15. This suggests that God’s process is only for matters that could throw someone out of church. That’s wrong - God’s plan works for anything that upsets you enough that you can’t ignore it.
- Trespass means to sin, intrude, infringe, or encroach. This includes any offense.
- Offense includes insult, attack, or anything that bothers or offends you.
What if You Don’t Heal Hurts as They Happen?
Anger and frustration build when hurts aren’t healed. We remember that we’re offended but may forget why we’re angry if we don’t settle offenses as fast as God requires. This is deadly in marriage, in churches, and at work. When anger spreads to an entire group, we must heal many people at once. Paul set the goal:
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
The goal is to put the anger behind and get the group working together to press toward the mark. This isn’t done often because people seldom want to confront the offender, they want to talk to someone else.
Some years ago, my first assignment upgrading a piece of software. I needed help from many people: database, network, servers, etc. I went to them, introduced myself, and talked about the help I’d need. That Friday, boss asks how it’s going. I said I’d been talking to the people whose help I needed. Boss says, “Yeah, I know, each one of them came screaming to me asking what you were doing.” “I don’t get it. I told them who I was and what you told me to do.” Boss says, “You’ll never understand, Bill. Don’t worry about it – I’ll take care of it.” That’s how misunderstandings and resentments spread unless someone takes care of it.
Settling a Group Offense God’s Way
Another time, I was a new hire, and for some reason, the boss left me in charge of the office when he was away for a week. On Monday morning, my new colleagues came to me about longstanding anger. I had no idea what the problem was and couldn’t get a straight story. That happened in Ephesus:
Some therefore cried one thing, and some another: for the assembly was confused: and the more part knew not wherefore they were come together. Acts 19:32 see also Acts 21:34[38]
The fact that I wasn’t yet part of the group made it easier for them to let me lead the search for an answer.
“I don’t care about facts.” I said. “It’s been building for years and nobody remembers why. We won’t bring up what happened; we’ll deal with feelings. We’ll say how we feel, one at a time. There are 4 rules.
1) Everybody has to be in this together, is there anyone else who should be here?
2) Only one thought, hurt, feeling, or idea per turn.
3) Don’t blame anyone. Everybody was involved. Don’t give names. If you say, ‘I was upset when he said…,’ that’s out of bounds. Say, ‘I was upset when I heard...’ or ‘when this happened.’
4) Only the person holding this Bible may speak; wait until it gets passed to you.
Everybody got that?” They nodded.
As we went around the group, someone interrupted, “That’s not what I meant. I was trying to...”
“Wait your turn,” I said. “We need apologies. We need forgiveness. Without forgiveness, we can’t work together. When it’s your turn, if you’re sorry, we will forgive you, won’t we?” They agreed that they would.
After another round or two with apologies, I heard, “It’s OK now, we get it. We can work together.”
I went around the group, one at a time. “Is it over? Really over?” All but two said “Yes.” I asked, “Are you two upset with each other?” When they said “Yes,” that made it a simple 1 on 1 trespass.
Matthew 18 tells how to fix that. “Go get some coffee and work it out,” I told them. “Come back when you’ve made up. If you can’t, I’ll be happy to help. If the three of us can’t fix it, we’ll bring everybody in and fix it together. If we all together can’t fix it, one of you will have to leave. Got that?” They said they got it.
They came back in a half-hour, full of teary smiles. It really was all over. God told us about this:
Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. Proverbs 26:20
Nobody would talk about how it happened – I think they were embarrassed – but it seemed that the two holdouts had gotten upset at each other years earlier and had been knifing each other to their colleagues.
This group-oriented process of healing problems is taught in the Bible. Paul’s letters speak of the Corinthian church sinning through carnal “strife and division (1 Cor. 3:3[39]).” He urged the Corinthians to be unified, and explained that he would establish “every word” of what he had heard when he came:
This is the third time I am coming to you. In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established. II Corinthians 13:1 He planned to establish every word, not every truth.
Giving Offense Offends God
Eight verses before giving us His reconciliation process, Jesus said that giving offense is a serious sin:
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 7Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! Matthew 18:6-7
Christians should be spiritual enough not to take offense when no offence is meant, and sometimes even when it is. People can become annoyed at you even if you don’t intend offense. Your intent doesn’t matter:
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Matthew 7:15-16
Your actions can bring destructive fruit even if you didn’t want to be a ravening wolf. There are no excuses. Your intent doesn’t matter. Haven’t you ever told a child, “You didn’t break the window on purpose, but we want you to on purpose not break things.”
If someone is offended by what you did, God expects you to humble yourself and apologize even if you can’t see why they’re offended. Nobody expects you to be perfect; they expect you to be honest. I’ve never lost points by apologizing, not even to my children. It’s a good way to deal with offenses as God commands.
If you don’t understand why you offended someone, you’re likely to do it again. If someone won’t accept your apology, that’s on them, not on you.
Conflict at work costs businesses so much money that it’s been studied a lot. One way to keep discussions calm is to pause 10 seconds before answering when things are getting hot. Your goal isn’t to “win” the discussion; it’s to build the relationship, to edify. You can't do that when you're angry or if the other person is too upset to hear what you say. Pausing to think for 10 seconds helps improve your relationships.
We Cannot Live without Law
All groups need some way to settle disputes. Drug dealers and street gangs throw bullets at each other because it’s cheaper and faster than going to court. American Indian tribes passed the “whisper pipe” around the circle. Only the person holding the pipe could talk, and pass it to the next.
My colleagues weren’t saved but they saw the need for apologies and forgiveness. We’re commanded:
Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. 4And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. Luke 17:3-4
God is serious about commanding us to forgive without limit; we’re forgiven only as we forgive others:
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
The Problem of Human Carnality
In 1 Cor. 3:1-7, Paul showed the difference between spiritual Christians and carnal Christians. Being carnal is another way to describe walking in the flesh. We all have our flesh-driven moments, even Paul (Ro. 7:14[40]):
For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. 7Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. Romans 8:6-7
Japan is about 1.5% Christian. Few Japanese have the Holy Spirit, but healing offenses was a matter of life and death. Annoying a sword-bearing samurai could get your head chopped off. If you offended too many people, you might be forced to commit suicide. They needed effective patterns to restore harmony.
A few days after my brother entered 1st grade, a refined, elegant gentleman knocked on the door. His card said “Head of the Block.” He told Mom that her son was not brushing his teeth after lunch because he had no toothbrush. The teacher sent a note home. Had she seen it? Mom found the note; it had a cartoon of a child brushing teeth. “I'm sorry,” she explained, “I thought I had to make sure he brushed his teeth before he went to school.” Huge smile. “We thought it was something like that,” he said, and bowed himself out.
He was a wise elder who brought peace (Mt. 5:9[41]). My brother’s teacher asked the PTA to find peace with a foreigner. The PTA passed the problem to the Head of the Block. The apostle Paul desired that there be no quarrels in Christ’s church; the Head of the Block desired that there be no quarrels in his community.
Japanese know that gossip can be deadly, but they also know that approaching someone who’d angered you could cause more offense. Talking to the Head of the Block was OK by definition. He or his wife could often explain enough to stop it there. If not, they’d work tactfully behind the scenes to bring harmony.
The Japanese agree with Pr. 20:29b, “the beauty of old men is the grey head.” Serving the community by bringing peace was honored. They didn’t have our psychology vocabulary, but they understood people.
Confirmation bias: People value information that supports their beliefs and tend to ignore information that disagrees with their beliefs. Atheists aren’t interested when I show them how scientific discoveries support the Bible, for example. The more a wise man learns, the better he understands his ignorance.
Stereotypes: People tend to judge others by first impressions. It’s difficult and time-consuming to learn enough about another person to judge righteous judgment; it’s a lot easier to put them in a compartment based on a few obvious characteristics and move on.
Pride: Most people hate to admit that they’re wrong. As Elon Musk put it, “It’s a lot easier to fool people than to convince them that they’ve been fooled.” Apologizing can be very humbling.
Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way. Romans 14:13
American law states that government can’t override your “strongly-held convictions” without a very good reason. Baptists call this “individual soul liberty” in saying that each person has the right to their own convictions. It can be hard to get along with Christians with different convictions.
Going ‘round the table hearing all the feelings, hurts, and anger cuts through bias, stereotypes, and misunderstanding. It can be humbling, but shows the power of love and relationships.
Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! James 3:5
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Americans say not to sweat the small stuff. The Japanese know that in life, there’s nothing but small stuff and you have to sweat it all. If you want adults to brush their teeth, teach ‘em young. The teacher wrote down whether all 50 kids in her class brushed their teeth, every single day. She bucked her problem student to the PTA who bucked it to the Head of the Block, who solved it.
The American juvenile “justice” system means kids don’t get punished for anything until they’re 18, then they go to jail for doing something really bad. The Japanese have layers of ways to teach, “Don’t do that.”
How to Moderate
It’s important to agree on the rules when settling a longstanding problem. This is a good start:
I don’t care about facts. Anger has been building for years. It doesn’t matter what happened; we’ll deal with feelings. We’ll say how we feel, one at a time. There are 4 rules.
1) Everybody has to be in this together, is there anyone else who should be here? If not, go get them.
2) Only one thought, hurt, feeling, or idea per turn.
3) Don’t blame anyone. For it to get this bad, everybody was involved. Don’t give names. If you say, ‘I was upset when he said…,’ that’s against the rules. Say, ‘I was upset when I heard...’ or when this happened.
4) Only the person who has the floor may speak. Never interrupt; wait for your turn.
Everybody got that? Let’s begin.
[1] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[2] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[3] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[4] And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
[5] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[6] And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:44
[7] I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. Romans 12:1
[8] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[9] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[10] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
[11] But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: I Peter 3:15
[12] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[13] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
[14] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[15] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:
[16] For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. John 3:16-17
[17] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[18]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[19] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[20] Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. II Corinthians 5:20
[21] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[22] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[23] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
[24] Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. Philippians 4:4
[25] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[26] But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen. II Peter 3:18
[27] Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1:6
[28] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[29] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[30] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 5:1-2
[31] Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:16
[32] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[33] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[34] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[35] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[36] And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. John 10:28
[37] Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. Romans 7:1-3
[38] And some cried one thing, some another, among the multitude: and when he could not know the certainty for the tumult, he commanded him to be carried into the castle. Acts 21:34
[39] For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and walk as men? I Corinthians 3:3
[40] For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. Romans 7:14
[41] Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9
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