Feel free to use this material in any way that supports His cause! In addition to the FindingJoyInMarriage.doc file being available from the shared library https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1JQV9oEZwRL_H7Whck66UuRGruJQ2nfyk?usp=sharing, Finding Joy In Marriage is available as a paperback or Kindle book from our author page https://www.amazon.com/Bill-and-Roberta-Taylor/e/B09DTMSHT8/
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Strong families are the foundation of society. This website describes three secular books that explain how modern science supports God s marriage commands. Scroll down to Secular Support for God's Marriage Principles .
Brain research shows how to find the joyful marriage God intended
Any meaningful interaction between a man and a woman can trigger their brain’s reward systems. This forms dopamine, the chemical of pleasure, motivation, and attachment. Dopamine doesn’t just feel good; it shapes memory, desire, and bonding.
Men and women can be powerfully drawn to each other, sometimes faster than they understand. Attraction can deepen into love, but it can also create emotional dependence if not guided carefully. Like any strong reward pathway, it can be difficult to untangle once formed.
. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[1]
Being deeply bonded to a spouse who treats you kindly strengthens your health, your peace, and even your lifespan. But being bonded to someone unkind can wound the heart and wear down the soul. Before you let your emotions attach, you must see how a potential mate treats everyone. Kindness is not optional; it is the foundation of safety. Give Your Spouse Rest on page 37 explains the importance of kindness. Why would a man open his heart to a woman who hurts him? Why would a woman open herself to a man who wounds her?
Kindness can’t sustain a marriage by itself. Deep emotional ties are needed to protect both hearts from drifting toward someone else but men and women connect differently. Convincing a man that she belongs to him is simple but often exhausting for a woman. Convincing a woman that he belongs to her is vital but often scary for a man.
Women share emotions freely but guard physical privacy. Most men are the opposite: they offer their bodies easily but protect their feelings. A lasting marriage requires emotional openness and physical closeness gladly given in the way the other receives love. Having Sex Changes Your Brain on page 155 summarizes research that proves scientifically that traditional marriage customs are best for couples and their children.
Older women are commanded to teach younger women about men to help them avoid grief: women their own age lack the experience.
Ch. 1 - Is Our Man-Woman Thing Hurting You or Blessing You?. 1
Show an Attitude of Gratitude. 2
What Does Your Spouse Want?. 3
What If You’re Just Living Together?. 8
Ch. 2 – Someone Must Teach Women About Men. 11
A Woman’s Influence and a Man’s Belonging. 16
Ch. 3 - Someone Must Teach Men About Women. 17
You Can’t Be Any Happier Than You Make Her. 18
Ch. 4 - God Explains Marriage in One Verse. 21
He Took Rebekah and She Was His Wife. 22
Isaac Loved Rebekah And Then He was Comforted. 28
Why Does God Require That Pastors Be Married?. 29
Rewards of Obedience to God. 33
Ch. 5 - Science Supports God’s Commands for Holy Matrimony. 35
Give Your Spouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You. 37
Putting Marriage on the Table. 44
Ch. 6 - God Draws Women and Men Together. 49
Ch. 7 – Having Answers Before and During Marriage. 51
Men Don’t Always Respect or Honor Women. 55
I Serve God by Serving You. 64
And We Lived Happily Ever After. 66
The Simplicity of God’s Marriage Rules. 72
Ch. 8 - Handling Conflict in Marriage. 75
Disagreement Should Never Lead to Conflict 75
Relating to God and His Word. 83
Ch. 9 – More Sources of Conflict 85
Ch. 10 - Sources of Conflict – What We Say and Do. 97
Ch. 11 - God Made Men and Women Think Differently. 109
Knowing versus Understanding. 111
Ch. 12 - Ruth’s Rules for Finding Rest in Marriage. 121
Rule # 1 – Prepare to Glorify God with Your Husband. 125
Rule # 2 – Go Wherever He Goes. 129
Rule # 3 – Be Sure He Gives You Rest 131
Rule # 4 – Don’t Play Hard to Get, Be Hard to Get 142
Rule # 5 – Get Advice from a Godly Grandmother. 144
Rule # 6 – Make Sure He Opens His Heart to You. 146
Ch. 13 – How Intimacy Changes Your Brain. 155
Don’t Touch until after Marriage. 156
Men Must Possess Their Wives in Honor, Not in Lust 159
Other Reports Which Show How God Did What He Did. 162
4-May-26
About the Authors
Bill grew up in Japan, where his parents served as missionaries. For centuries, Japanese families survived by growing rice in flooded paddies. This is such hard work that the Japanese character for “man” combines the symbols for “field” and “strength.” A man’s role was to provide the physical power needed to keep his family alive.
In that world, women depended completely on men for food and protection. Over time, so many men misused that power that modern Japanese women have withdrawn from marriage and motherhood altogether. Many say, “Relationships are too much trouble.” With birthrates collapsing, Japan faces a future without the next generation.
Bill, raised in Scripture, rejected the patterns he saw and chose the biblical vision of marriage instead. Christianity is the only faith that declares that men and women are equal before God:
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
As he earned a master’s degree in electrical engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, he saw that MIT men weren’t considered to be good husband material, but he didn’t know why.
His wife Roberta started helping teach Sunday School at 13; that gave her a teacher’s heart. She earned a degree in Elementary Education and was teaching 6th grade when Bill claimed her for his own.
By the time they married in 1971, most of Bill’s friends were already divorced. They quickly realized that God had given them something rare and precious in their joyful marriage, but they could not yet explain it. When her sister and his brother divorced, they still had no words to offer, even though Scripture commands believers to study marriage.
After fifty years of seeking to understand and teach God’s design so others could experience God’s joy, they discovered that the heart of marriage can be summarized in just two words: “only praise” page 41. God gave every woman the ability to be an extraordinary treasure to a man, but God’s gift of marriage cannot flourish unless he shows her in thought, word, and action that he is convinced that she is a treasure entrusted to him by the Lord God Almighty.
Roberta had asked God to choose her husband. Knowing that He could not give her to Bill to be his wife without first smoothing some of his rough edges, the Holy Spirit prompted her to explain important truths about herself as they dated. Even before their first date, she made it clear that if Bill wished to pursue her, he must treat her as a potential treasure.
The lessons the Holy Spirit taught Bill through her became the guiding principles of their marriage. Understanding between men and women is not always easy. After they married, it took more than a year of hours of daily practice in conversation before he began to understand her thoughts at all. He realized that what she had told him while dating had to have been God’s hints because he had understood what she said.
Their marriage grew strong because they trusted that God is good. Roberta believed that God’s commands for wives to respect, follow, and belong to their husbands were given for her blessing, not her burden. Bill believed that God’s commands that husbands dedicate their lives to nourishing, cherishing, and appreciating their wives were for his good.
They decided that if anything about the nature of men or women seemed difficult, confusing, or a burden instead of a blessing, the problem was with their understanding, not with God’s design. With patience, humility, and joy, they kept discovering the hidden blessings God had woven into each of them to bless and benefit the other.
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven greater than knowing his wife delights in belonging to him. There is no joy for a woman that compares with knowing that her husband loves taking care of her and deeply values her help.
Ch. 1 - Is Our Man-Woman Thing Hurting You or Blessing You?
Before He spoke the world into existence (Jn. 1:3[2]), Jesus already knew Adam would sin (Rev. 13:8[3]; 1 Pe. 1:20[4]). He knew He would have to die a painful death to offer us forgiveness and eternal life in Heaven. He knew this, yet He created us anyway. That’s how much He loves us
If God loved us enough to create us knowing the cost, He certainly did not design marriage to be impossible. He planned marriage to give us a taste of the joys of Heaven on earth, but there‘s a condition: we must do marriage God’s way (De. 5:29[5]).
Most men and women long to get together and form couples. This should bring joy, but the Internet is full of stories of painful relationships. Many hurting people are convinced the relationship would work “if only the other person changed.” They’ll complain that their “significant other” refuses counseling. Waiting on the other person to change makes the sufferer a helpless victim hoping for a miracle that never comes.
Does your relationship hurt badly enough that you want to change yourself instead of waiting for the other person to improve? To beg God to show what you should change? God wants your joyful marriage to show the blessings of His grace to the lost. The first change is simple to say and hard to do: stop talking to the other person about their problem. Talk about the relationship, but not the problem. If talking could fixe the relationship, it already would have. More problem talk is wasted breath.
When a wife is desperate for her husband’s soul, her instinct is to talk, explain, warn, plead, and argue, but Scripture says the opposite. God tells her that talk is not the tool He uses to change a hard heart.
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. I Peter 3:1-2
“Conversation” doesn’t mean talk, it means behavior. Stop talking about the problem and start living the solution. Words don’t show Christ’s love or your love to your spouse, what counts is what you do:
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18
What you do shows your love. Your spouse has probably stopped listening because your words have lost credibility. Nothing will change unless you change your behavior to show more love. Pray for guidance while changing yourself to show that you sincerely want to change.
Showing gratitude is a good start. Thank God for giving your spouse to you in marriage. You burden your spouse in many ways. Thank your spouse for letting God bring you together and for putting up with you. Try to be less of a burden. Ask, “What could I do to make you happier?”
Warning: The word “may” in 1 Pe. 3:1 means that there is no guarantee that changing yourself will improve matters. Your spouse may misunderstand your change and think you’re being manipulative instead of trying to make life better. In some cases, the kinder you become, the more suspicion may grow. Sometimes a hurting or defensive spouse will push back harder to test you to see whether your change is real.
Changing yourself can make things better, but it can also make things temporarily harder. If your spouse responds with intimidation, threats, or any form of mistreatment, that is not “testing your sincerity.” That is harmful behavior, and no one should ignore or excuse it. Changing yourself is about showing love, not about accepting mistreatment.
Show an Attitude of Gratitude
One of the simplest and most powerful changes a person can make is to start showing gratitude. Moses warned Israel that they would lose their blessings if they stopped appreciating them:
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
God often takes away blessings we refuse appreciate. A spouse is one of the greatest blessings God gives. A natural first step is to thank God for giving your spouse to you and thanking your spouse for staying with you.
Gratitude changes the way you see your marriage. Praising your spouse focuses your heart on what you like instead of what you don’t like. It shifts your attention from complaints to blessings. Over time, sincere appreciation usually softens your spouse’s heart and makes you both feel safer, valued, and more willing to respond with kindness.
What Does Your Spouse Want?
One of the simplest ways to make a marriage better is to give your spouse more of what they actually want. Not what you wish they wanted. Not what you think they should want. What they truly long for.
When the Holy Spirit led my wife to explain her need to talk, I was stunned. She said, “I’m really looking forward to being married. I like talking to you. We can talk more in a day of marriage than in a week of dating.” She put a ridiculous amount of talking into our marriage vows.
That was more talking than any man can imagine. She expected hours per day. We had talked a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I assumed that once we were married, we wouldn’t have to talk about it anymore. But the Holy Spirit led her to tell me plainly that talking far than I could imagine was a vital part of her vows.
The Book of Esther shows how much wives yearn to talk to husbands. King Ahasuerus made Esther his queen. When Haman persuaded Ahasuerus to let the Jews be murdered, Mordecai begged Esther to ask her husband to stop the slaughter. She said she might die if she tried:
All the king's servants, and the people of the king's provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or women, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live: but I have not been called to come in unto the king these thirty days. Esther 4:11
Imagine trying to talk to a modern president without being invited — you wouldn’t get past the guard. The only exception would be the First Lady. The Secret Service won’t get physical with her.
Ahasuerus’ guards would never lay hands on his wives either. The threat of death was the only way to keep them from coming to talk to him. That’s how strongly a wife’s desires to speak to her husband’s heart.
A man must meet his wife’s need to talk to keep her from being tempted to talk to someone else. She doesn’t want another man, but she needs someone who listens and shares his thoughts. Opening his heart to her comforts her and helps convince her that he loves her in her way.
A husband’s physical desire often shocks his wife. Many women have no idea how strong, persistent, and motivating a man’s sexual drive can be. In “Sex and Culture,” Dr. Unwin wrote, “The sexual behavior of women before marriage is the decisive factor in cultural success. Men are mainly motivated by sex. If they can get it without marriage, they contribute less to society.”[6] [emphasis added] He wasn’t being crude, he was realistic. My wife teaches women that husbands expects to enter her private areas five times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. He’ll seldom have that much strength, but that’s his plan (Ge. 29:21[7]).
Women share emotions freely but want physical privacy. Husbands share their bodies but want emotional privacy. Women don’t understand how difficult and frightening emotional openness can be for a man. Even thinking about emotions can feel overwhelming, and talking about them as often as she needs to talk feels impossible.
A husband finds it hard to see how vulnerable physical intimacy makes his wife feel. Giving herself to him as often as he is able to have her makes her dependent on him in frightening ways unless he convinces her that his heart belongs to her and that he delights in caring for her.
When a husband gives his wife what she wants: time, attention, listening, emotional openness, she feels safe, valued, and connected. When a wife gives her husband what he wants: respect, admiration, physical closeness, trust, he feels honored, desired, and confident.
Nothing straightens a man like having a woman lean on him.
Giving your spouse more of what they want is not manipulation, it’s love expressed in language they understand. It‘s how to say, “I see you. I value you. I want to love you in the way that matters most to you.”
Talking On Her Terms
We know men who saw that their wives needed follow God’s commands to open their hearts enough to meet their wives’ need for talk:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Proverbs 31:11
God commands a man to urge his wife to enter the private places of his heart and promised that his heart can safely trust in her, but many men are afraid to open themselves. Men aren’t used to thinking about emotion; it takes time for a man to learn his feelings well enough to talk about them and more time to overcome the habits of years.
The harder the command, the greater the reward. As these men slowly learned to share their feelings, joys, and frustrations, their wives learned how to help them. They understood how much their husbands valued them and were able to give themselves more freely and more often. This relaxed all of them.
Their marriages are bringing more joy to all of them as they learn more about each other and can serve each other more effectively. When a man opens his heart, he gives his wife the connection she longs for. When she feels his connection, she responds with the respect, admiration, and closeness he longs for. Both needs are met. Both hearts rest. Both lives brighten.
Talk Works on His Heart
A bitter, angry woman told her lawyer, “I want to hurt him all I can!”
Her lawyer surprised her, “Shower him with praise. Tell him over and over what a wonderful husband he is and how much you love him. Make love to him often. Do your best to make him happy. When his heart is utterly devoted to you, divorce will hurt him the most.”
Some months later, she told her lawyer that she’d done what he’d said. “Good,” he said, “now’s the time to file for divorce.”
“Never!” she vowed, “I love my husband dearly!”
As she spoke loving words, her own heart softened. Her bitterness faded. Her husband, hearing joy instead of anger, gave her warmth and care. His happiness in her made her happier with him, so he treated her better. What began as a plan to hurt him became the path that healed them both. Hate turned to love because loving words have the power to heal. Love can bring pain, yes, but true love builds the relationship. Page 37 explains how to make your spouse feel safe enough to love you.
Making Love On His Terms
My wife explains a husband thinks of times per day; when the woman chooses, it’s times per week or per month. Most women feel their husbands are satisfied because they don’t complain.
One woman told my wife, “My husband is perfectly content,” but when she told him, “I want to honor you, and I’ll be available whenever you desire closeness,” she was stunned by his response. His enthusiasm showed a strong desire she had never recognized. She realized she had been meeting only a fraction of his need for physical connection.
Increasing physical availability was difficult for her. She felt emotionally disconnected because he wasn’t meeting her need for open-hearted conversation. As he felt closer to her, he found ways to buy things she had wanted for the home. She didn’t demand them, but he now felt more motivated to care for her.
God made men possessive. A man takes care of things that matter to him: his truck, his boat, his gun. Offering herself as often as he was able to have her convinced him that she belonged to him. Physical intimacy is important enough to a man that taking care of his wife now had high priority. He’d always known her wants but they weren’t all that important. Once she convinced him that she belonged to him, she moved to the top of his priority list.
Giving herself binds her husband to her and to their children:
“Vasopressin [the neurochemical that affects a man’s brain as oxytocin affects a woman’s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate and attachment to his offspring. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding and bonding between fathers and children.”[8] [emphasis added]
Intimacy binds a man much more slowly than it binds a woman. A wife may feel deeply attached long before her husband feels bonded enough to recognize and respond to her emotional and physical needs. That gap can be frightening, but it’s what God means by “submission.”
It is also difficult for a wife to continue giving herself if her husband remains emotionally closed. One woman who worked in the commercial sex industry made a blunt observation: “I serve many men and they cover my expenses. A wife serves one man and he covers hers. What’s the difference?” Her point was not about morality but about motivation. It’s sad that she could not imagine a relationship built on both parties giving of themselves without expecting anything in return.
The difference in marriage is meant to be profound: husband and wife gladly belong to each other. They aren’t trading services; they are giving themselves. A wife feels unsure of belonging if her husband never opens his heart. A man’s physical intensity can be so strong that she may fear she is interchangeable unless he sets her apart from all other women by sharing his inner life with her. Genuine emotional openness takes so much time that it cannot be given to more than one woman.
When a wife does not feel that her husband belongs to her, when she senses that he “pays her way” in return for what she provides, the relationship feels like business instead of giving. A sense of being valued for what she does instead of valued for who she is can wound her deeply and undermine the bond God designed for marriage to create.
Edifying One Another
A recently saved woman wanted her husband to avoid Hell, but talking about salvation made things worse. Sharing knowledge is one way God calls His people to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11[9]) and to provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24[10]), but talking isn’t always effective.
When she shared her frustration at church, a woman who trained therapy dogs said, “Your husband had a very hard upbringing. He may not know what love is. That makes it impossible for him to understand Christ’s love or to love you.” She suggested trying an affectionate dog.
As the husband bonded with the dog, something surprising happened. The dog sensed that he didn’t truly love her and began nipping at the wife. When the wife offered treats, her husband accused her of trying to steal “his” dog. She got a dog of her own. The two dogs became friends, and over time the husband grew to love both. Slowly, he began learning what love feels like and how to show it to his wife.
This approach wouldn’t work in every household. Not everyone can accommodate pets. The point is that talking about the problem let the church community share its collected wisdom. If that idea hadn’t worked, another might have. Love finds a way when God’s people help one another see possibilities they couldn’t see alone.
What If You’re Just Living Together?
The woman is usually the one who desires marriage. Living together without commitment puts her in a painful position: she wants a covenant, he is content with convenience. Having his baby will not make him love her enough to marry her (Genesis 29:32–35).
If she wants marriage, she must speak with love and firmness: “Unmarried intimacy is wrong before God and before man. I love you and I want to give my life to you, but I will no longer give you my body outside marriage. If you marry me, I will belong to you and follow your leadership. As my husband, you may seek closeness with me whenever you want, but without marriage, I cannot continue.”
Then she must separate from him physically. This is difficult unless she creates real distance, sometimes even leaving the home temporarily.
He has enjoyed the benefits of a relationship without taking responsibility for her. She must show him that marriage is not a loss for him but a gain. She can add: “Many couples who live together break up after they marry. They expect marriage to fix things, but it won’t unless we change. Physical intimacy will bind me to you, but for that to work, you must open your heart to me. If we choose to belong to each other, we can give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven right here on earth.”
He won’t believe her unless she stops. He knows her patterns. He knows how to persuade her. If she gives in, he will assume she uses intimacy to manipulate him. That will make him lose respect for her.
The only path forward is the path of virtue. That earns his respect. It gives him a reason to grow up and marry her with sincerity and honor. If he won’t, she’ll want to marry someone else. She will feel the pain of giving her heart and body without covenant protection. The pain can give her the strength to say, “No. That mistake hurt. Never again. No intimacy until we are married and I will not marry you unless you grow up, get stable work, and show me that you will open your heart to me.”
We know a woman who slept in a separate room for six months until he knew he wanted her enough to marry her. Her firmness gave clarity.
Repenting of Sexual Sin
Blood is central to God’s dealings with humanity. Scripture teaches that “without shedding of blood is no remission” (Hebrews 9:22). Christ’s blood is the only way our sins can be cleansed.
Blood also seals covenants. When God offered His covenant, Abraham, the weaker party, gave up his animals whose blood sealed the covenant (Genesis 15:1–21). In ancient Israel, when a man offered his marriage covenant, the woman, the weaker party, gave up her innocence, and the blood of her virginity served as the sign of the marriage covenant. A woman could be accused of misbehavior if her parents could not produce the “tokens of her virginity” (Deuteronomy 22:13–21).
A woman sheds blood in childbirth. She also sheds blood monthly as part of the cycle God built into her body. These experiences remind her of the cost of life, the seriousness of covenant, and the reality that sin has consequences. Moral cleansing does not come from her body. It comes from sincere repentance and from God’s mercy.
When the woman caught in adultery called Jesus “Lord,” he said, “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more” (John 8:11[11]). He showed that accepting Him as Lord is the true path to restoration.
God forgives the repentant heart. He restores the woman who turns from sin. He makes her clean through the blood of Christ.
Marriage and Salvation
God knew we couldn’t possibly handle two plans, one for salvation and one for marriage, so He made one plan work for both. When we accept God’s offer of salvation, we die to our former lives and are born again into a personal relationship with Jesus Christ (Ro. 7:4[12]). In the same way, for husband and wife to be “no more twain but one flesh (Mt. 19:6[13])” as Jesus expects, they must die to their former individual and dedicate all their time, talent, toil, treasure, and tears to their new family.
We are not our own after salvation, we belong to God (1 Cor. 6:19[14]). We are not our own after marriage; we must belong to each other.
In every example in this chapter, someone chose to make the first move instead of waiting for the other. A wife longs to be welcomed into her husband’s heart. A husband longs to be welcomed into his wife’s body. Only when both forms of access are gladly given, only when each spouse encourages and thanks the other, can they truly become one. This unity shows their one‑flesh likeness of the image of God in the unity God created before He separated Eve from Adam’s body (Gen. 5:1-2[15]).
We see many married couples who have never opened themselves to each other as God expects. We must ask: have they opened themselves to God? People who belong to Jesus open themselves to Him as intimately and as closely as married couples should open themselves.
Jesus warns that on the last day many will claim to have belonged to Him, but He will say, “I never knew you (Mt. 7:23[16]).” If a husband didn’t open his heart to his wife, will she say, “I never knew him?” If he never gets the knowledge of her that God commands, will he have to admit, “I never knew her?” If they refuse to belong to each other, can they truly belong to Jesus?
The rest of this book explains God’s plan for building the unity that brings the joy God intended for all couples.
Ch. 2 – Someone Must Teach Women About Men
Society will fail unless someone teaches young women how to relate to men in a way that gives joy to both.
The Internet is full of painful stories of relationships gone bad. This is no surprise: people crash and burn if they drive in traffic without proper training. Loving a spouse needs much more teaching than driving a car.
A man will marry when he wants a woman badly enough and she won’t let him have her without marrying her. If he can have her without taking any responsibility, what would marriage add to what he has?
A Parent to a Daughter: Knowing a Man’s Main Drive
Sweetheart, I want to talk to you about something that few women hear clearly. You’re becoming a beautiful woman, and you’ll attract attention from men. Some of it will feel wonderful, but it may not be safe.[17]
Ask God to protect you until He either chooses you a husband for whom you can be a help meet or makes you content without one.[18]
Marriage should bring joy to every woman, but you must watch your step. A good man will protect you from his desires and help protect you from your desires. Be careful: it’s hard to find a good husband if you give your heart or your body to someone who wasn’t worthy.[19]
Men have pursued women for generations. If a man stirs your heart or confuses you, don’t try to sort it out yourself. Talk to me! I’ve heard many lies. I’ll help you tell truth from temptation. People your own age haven’t learned enough to do that.
You have the right to say “No.” Whatever happens, come to me. I’ll walk your path with you.
You must say “No.”[20] Society stands or falls on how women choose to relate to men. Dr. J.D. Unwin wrote, “The sexual behavior of women before marriage is the decisive factor in cultural success. Men are mainly motivated by sex. If they can get it without marriage, they contribute less to society.”[21]
A man in love protects your honor and your purity. A man in lust tries to bypass both. You must know the strength of a man’s sexual desires,[22] know how your desire can cloud your judgment, and how to tell whether his interest in you is love or lust.[23]
The Biological Reality
Men are wired with a strong sexual drive. You can’t understand it because you aren’t a man, but you need to know to be careful. It’s good, it makes men long to be with their wives. That drive can flood a man’s brain with hormones that push him toward action. He may say things that sound like love, but they’re often driven only by desire.
When he sees you or touches you, testosterone and dopamine can make a man feel urgent, focused, even obsessed. He may believe what he’s saying, but it doesn’t mean love, it means he’s caught in a wave of chemistry. He wants very much to play with you. He may or may not want to stay with you.
If a man starts speaking to you as a man to a woman,[24] not just as a friend or colleague, he’s thinking about taking you to bed. You must let him know that you’re planning to be a treasure for your husband. If that’s not him, you can part as friends.[25]
He needn’t agree to marry before dating, but he must agree that the purpose of dating is learning whether you and he should marry. You’re not a toy, you’re a treasure. If he won’t consider marrying a woman who wants to be her husband’s treasure, don’t waste your time with him. Don’t just pretend to be hard to get, be worth the wait. Your worth isn’t measured by your looks, but by the character of your life you could weave into his. Giving him your life deserves his full devotion in return.
The Treasure Principle
If you decide you want to be his treasure, he’d be a fool not to marry you. Women who guard their hearts and bodies are rare. A wise man knows that marrying a treasure is a blessing, not a burden.
Once you’re married, don’t be surprised if he expects to have you five times a day: before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in bed.[26] He won’t always have enough strength, but that’s his plan. It shocks most wives when they realize their husband’s desire runs deeper and stronger than they could ever imagine, but giving yourself to him reduces his stress levels and protects him from being tempted by other women.[27]
Here’s the key: if he opens his heart to you and shares his dreams, fears, joys, and sorrows, he’ll come to belong to you. Emotional intimacy is hard and scary for many men, but if he trusts you enough to share his heart, opening your body to him feels safe, and even sacred.
Dating shows you whether he’ll open his heart when you need to talk. If he won’t belong to you, think twice. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
Men are clueless about women. If you don’t set boundaries before you date, he won’t know. You can say, “I’m not giving you my body unless we’re married, and we can’t marry unless your job can support our family. I’ll do my best to be yours when you want me if we marry, but it won’t work unless you open your heart to me often enough to belong to me. If we both work at belonging to each other,[28] our family will have a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.”
Emotional and Physical Connection
Women connect through shared emotions. Men can take months or years to learn how to do that. Be kind and patient as he grows. Just as women are shocked by how often men want sex, men are shocked by how much women need to talk. Each must stretch to meet the other’s needs to build the connections that hold them together all their days.
You might worry that being physically available may make you feel vulnerable. You’re right, intimacy creates deep bonds which make you vulnerable to hurt, but when you accept all your husband’s sexual energy, you strengthen your connection to him and make it harder for temptations to take root in him.
When a wife gives herself with joy and openness, it reassures her husband that she likes being his. Men take good care of what they value: tools, hobbies, cars. When he feels your delight in belonging to him, you become his highest priority. You go to the top of your husband’s “to-do” list where you rightfully belong.
Open-hearted emotional vulnerability is as scary for a man as physical vulnerability is for a woman. When he gives you his heart, he gives you power to affect him deeply for good or for bad. Treat his trust with tenderness. Your kindness helps him feel safe enough to grow into a husband who loves you with strength, devotion, and vulnerability.[29]
Timing and Purity
Be careful about timing. Don’t start dating unless you could realistically marry within six to eight months. Once you agree to marry, don’t drag it out. Long engagements are hard for men. The longer you delay, the harder it is for him to protect your purity. That matters. Couples who delay sex until after marriage are far more likely to stay married than those who don’t.[30]
A Word of Protection
Sweetheart, I wish every young woman knew how desire affects women. During fertile parts of your cycle, a light touch or kiss can stir feelings that surprise you. You can be swept up with desire before you can think.[31]
Most men feel desire most of the time so they learn to control it. They may not realize how vulnerable a woman can be when her body responds to him in a way that surprises her. If you’re with someone you like, your desire can draw you faster than you ever wanted.
That’s why it’s so important to protect yourself. You need time to think, to pray, to know your heart. He may take your physical response as “Yes!” even if you haven’t agreed. If things go too far, he may say, “She wanted it,” and leave you to carry the emotional load alone.
You are worth more than that. Your body is precious, and your heart is more precious.[32] Learn your rhythms. Know your boundaries. Use chaperones. Don’t be afraid to ask to go home if something feels wrong. A good man will honor that. He’ll wait, he’ll listen, and he’ll cherish all of you for the future, not just the moment.
The Fatherhood Disconnect
Even the kindest, most well-meaning man can’t understand what it means to create a child.[33] He may know the biology, but in his heart, the baby feels like yours, not his. You carried new life inside you. You labored, you bled, you nurse and soothe. The bond is immediate for you. He may not connect to your child unless you connect him to you by belonging to him before you get pregnant.[34]
He wasn’t thinking about being a father. He was in the moment, in pleasure, in closeness. He may not have imagined your baby’s face or even thought about the future.
Wait for a man who thinks about the future when he’s with you. A man who sees your body as sacred, your heart as precious, and your motherhood as a gift, not a consequence or a mistake.
Before you give yourself, ask: Is this man thinking about the life we might create? Or is he thinking only of the pleasure of the moment? Will he play with me or will he stay with me?[35]
You need a man who sees beyond today. A man who honors your body, your future, and the children you and he may one day hold. Encourage him instead of disappearing into a pink cloud of motherhood after giving birth. Making love cures depression and binds him to you.
Some women understand. When my first was born, our new great-grandma asked when her next great-grandchild would come. My husband talked about sleepless nights and cost. “Young man,” she said, “the pleasures of marriage you enjoy are God’s way of repaying you for your time, toil, talent, and treasure spent caring for and appreciating the wife and the children you’re raising to serve Him.[36]“ That is how it works, my love. Before you get serious, you must insist that the man agrees to keep his part of God’s bargain even if you aren’t yet ready for kids.
Think in terms of telling your future husband, “That was wonderful, let’s do it again as soon as you can” so he stays awake and talks to you. Most men die before their wives. Say, “We could do that more often if you were in better shape, lets exercise together.” Better physical health helps him live longer and shortens your time of widowhood.
A Woman’s Influence and a Man’s Belonging
Society falls apart unless men get jobs, marry, and help train children to live with honor as productive adults. A man needs help from a woman who sees his potential and gently urges him to fulfill it.[37]
You want to live the saying: “Behind every successful man, there’s a woman.” Not a woman who nags or controls, but one who believes in him, walks beside him, comforts his sorrows, and encourages his success.
You have that power, but it only works when your husband trusts you enough to open his heart and his future to you in detail.[38]
A man who won’t consider your needs while dating is not ready to lead with love.[39] If he won’t listen now, he won’t listen later.[40] If he won’t plan with you, he can’t protect you. If he won’t honor your voice[41], how can you and he build a life worth sharing?
You aren’t asking too much. You’re asking for what matters. His willingness to hear you, to know you, and adjust his plans for you isn’t weakness, it’s wisdom. It means he sees you as destiny, not distraction.
Don’t settle for charm without character. Wait for a man who sees your value and treats you as his special treasure. You shouldn’t need to beg for respect. Choose right, and you’ll walk in honor together.
Ch. 3 - Someone Must Teach Men About Women
Teaching women about men is only half the battle for joyful marriages: it’s just as urgent to teach men about women. The Industrial Revolution brought such material abundance that we forget the many generations when men and women needed each other to survive: men had to farm or hunt, women had to cook whatever the men brought. Couples starved if they couldn’t work together faithfully and well. Understanding the opposite sex isn’t as important for survival as it once was, but a happy relationship needs knowledge, kindness, and work.
A man longs for a woman to belong to him, but he must know how to make her happy to belong to him. A man tends to marry if he wants a woman badly enough and marriage is the only way she’ll trust herself to him. Staying married needs more than desire or physical attraction.
I’ve lived long enough to see what builds lasting love and what tears it down. If you like the idea of having a woman, not just being with her, but keeping her heart, then listen: you need to know what makes it work.
Let’s Talk About Women
You’re becoming a man. I see it in your eyes: that spark when a pretty girl walks by, that curiosity about what it might feel like to have someone beside you who’s yours. Not just a girlfriend, but a woman who belongs to you in heart, soul, and trust. I understand that longing. I really do.
There’s no joy this side of Heaven like having a woman like belonging to you. Not forced, not manipulated, but with her whole heart. When she weaves her life into yours without losing herself, the bond lifts a man. He walks taller, works harder, and sleeps better.[42] It also takes deep understanding of the ties that hold a man and a woman together for a lifetime. Let me give you some ideas on how to build that kind of love.
Women Are Wired Differently, And That’s a Good Thing
You’ve probably heard, “Happy wife, happy life.” It’s not a joke. It’s a truth that most men learn the hard way. When a woman is unhappy, the whole house feels it. Even if she tries to hide unhappiness, her emotions ripple through everything: meals, mornings, moods. That’s not weakness. That’s design. Her emotions keep her family connected, joyful, and strong, but you must all work together to keep her happy.
Women are guided by emotion more than men are. They feel deeply, and they connect through shared feelings. That’s why relationships are central to their contentment. Women don’t have physical strength to hunt or farm without machinery, especially when pregnant or nursing. A woman’s survival depended on being able to bond with a man who’d feed her, protect her, and stand by her. Women who couldn’t do that didn’t pass on their genes. That’s not cruelty, that’s biological reality.
Even if she could earn money to eat, the heart of her emotional world is: Does he appreciate me? Does he value me? Does he enjoy caring for me? Here’s reality: every woman is different. There’s no formula for convincing your wife. You have to learn her. That’s your work of love.
You Can’t Be Any Happier Than You Make Her
A woman can’t make a man any happier than he makes her. That’s a hard truth. If you’re miserable and she’s glowing, it won’t last. If she’s miserable and you ignore her unhappiness, it eats away at both of you. The secret to a man’s happiness in marriage is simple: be happy with your wife. Not just tolerate her. Not just endure her. Be genuinely glad she’s yours. When she’s convinced you delight in what she does and what she is, she’ll happily stay in the mood to keep you happy along with her.
Feelings Matter — Even If You’re Not Used to Sharing Them
Women connect by sharing their feelings. Guys? We usually think in goals, plans, and tasks. Feelings? We hide them or don’t notice them.
If you want a woman to want to belong to you, you must open your heart. Not all at once. Not recklessly, but bit by bit, every day. She needs to know you trust her with what’s inside you and that you appreciate what’s inside her. She can’t hear what you say until she knows you’ve welcomed her words into your heart and act on them. Meet her where she is. Don’t just try to pull her where you are.
It’s like faith: it’s not enough to just know about Jesus. You have to let Him into your heart and pour your heart to Him in prayer. Otherwise, He says, “I never knew you” (Mt. 7:23[43]). In the same way, if you never let your wife into your heart, she might one day say, “I never knew him.”
Women understand each other naturally but you must be very patient as she learns how to explain her feelings in a man’s language. Ask yourself: Is she kind enough to trust with my heart? If you aren’t open, she’ll be shut out. She won’t want to be yours unless you’re open to her.
Protect Her From the Start
From the moment you meet her until the day you die, your main job is to protect her. That starts long before the wedding. You’re bigger and stronger so you’re likely to hurt her, even without meaning to. A careless word, a clumsy move, a moment of selfishness can leave bruises you can’t always see. Her heart is tender. Protect her heart, don’t test it.
You must also protect her from your passions and from hers. You’re a man. You’re visual. You’ll feel desire the moment you see her. She’s different. She’s moved by words. She falls in love through what you say, but during certain times in her cycle, you can both be surprised by how overwhelming her physical desire becomes at your lightest touch.
You’ve had to learn to manage your passions because they’re always there. She hasn’t. Most of the time, she’s not physically driven, so she’s had little or no practice holding back when desire suddenly floods in.
People say kissing gives men ideas. Men don’t get ideas, we have ideas. A kiss when she’s fertile can wake something powerful in her. It’s hard to stop if you’re both caught up in the same passionate idea.
A man’s touch when she’s fertile can overwhelm a woman with desire and she’s helpless. That’s how date rape happens. He says, “She wanted it.” Maybe she did, at that moment. But giving herself makes her feel she belongs to you. If you haven’t promised to protect her with your name, your vow, your life, she knows she can’t trust you. Not with her body. Not with her heart. How can she follow a man she can’t trust?
If you take her outside marriage, how can she trust you not to take other women? If she gave herself without marriage, how can you trust her not to give herself to someone else? That kind of fear and doubt is no foundation for a joyful life together. Trust needs commitment.
Couples who have sex before marriage divorce more often than those who wait. That’s not morality, that’s math. Be wise. Use chaperones. If you put off sex until after you’ve vowed to love, honor, and cherish her, it’ll be easier for her to surrender and be yours in body, heart, and mind.
Let Her Help You, But First, Let Her Understand You
There’s a saying: “Behind every successful man is a woman.” A woman who shares your goals can help you in ways you never imagined, but she can’t follow unless she knows where you’re going. Explain your plans in detail. This takes hours per day. It may feel like boring overkill, but her way of thinking[44] will bring up questions and ideas you never saw. That’s not interference. That’s partnership. That’s weaving two separate lives into one magnificent tapestry more beautiful than either could be alone.
Sweat the Small Stuff
Keeping a baby alive is nothing but details, so women tend to be more detail-oriented than men. You must learn to sweat the small stuff. Keep the toilet seat down. Sit on it instead of standing so you don’t make a mess. Change diapers when she’s frantic about getting something done. Run your comb through her brush to clean her hair out of it. It’s not about saving her 30 seconds, it’s showing that you see little things that affect her. That you care enough to notice. Love lives in little things.
Final Thought
Son, keeping a woman is learning her, loving her, building her, and rejoicing as she loves you back. It’s weaving her life into yours without losing her sense of self. It’s isn’t competition, it’s cooperation. It’s being vulnerable, wise enough to listen, and humble enough to learn.
If you do that, if you make her feel safe, cherished, and appreciated for what she is, you’ll find joy that is worth investing your life.
When that joy finds you, you’ll understand why I said: There’s no joy this side of Heaven like having a woman who likes belonging to you.
Walk wisely. Speak softly and gently.[45] Lead with courage by serving her. Be a man she’s proud to belong to and proud to follow. We’re praying for you. We’ll be here for you when you need us.
Ch. 4 - God Explains Marriage in One Verse
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
· Isaac supplied the tent – he paid the bills. A man’s proposal must include food, clothing, and shelter. A boy can’t pay for her; all he can do is play with her. That never ends well for either of them.
· She became his wife – they had both made public marriage vows.
· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. Every wife can comfort her husband, but it’s emotionally exhausting. Being reminded that he loves her comforts her and renews her energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires daily praise by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:2[46]).
80-90% of how a marriage works out depends on how a husband values his wife, but she sets her value before they marry (Pr. 31:10[47]). Even young girls want male attention, but playing boy-girl games before you’re ready to marry is like playing with matches and gasoline before you’re ready for a fire. Playing around can end in only three ways:
1) You can break up. This prepares you for divorce later.
2) You can marry before you're grown up enough or have enough income. Mature adults have trouble meeting the duties and responsibilities of marriage; it’s much harder on younger people.
3) You can get involved physically without committing to each other, which adds to the emotional damage of breaking up. Men shouldn’t get physical with women outside marriage at all:
Emotional involvement if you aren’t ready to marry often leads to fornication which makes it hard to form loving marriages later. The early twenties are a time for growing up; it's not a time for playing grown up.
When God gives a woman to a man to be his wife, he must fulfill his God-given duty to nourish her and cherish her (Eph. 5:29[48]) by serving her (Mk. 9:35[49], 10:42-44[50]) as long as they both shall live. God expects her to serve him by being his help meet (Gen. 2:18[51]), reverencing him (Ep. 5:33[52]), comforting him, and guiding his house. These are adult duties.
Isaac Supplied the Tent
God gave the husband the main responsibility for provision. When God told Adam, “In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread,” He gave Adam the duty of securing food for the family. Eve was not commanded about providing food. In the ancient world, without machinery, tools, or modern conveniences, women simply did not have the physical strength to hunt, plow, or harvest on their own. A woman survived only she pleased a man enough that he was willing to work to get food for her.
Generations of depending on men for survival shaped women’s hearts. Even though technology has changed the nature of work, a wife still needs to know that her husband wants to provide, that he enjoys feeding her, protecting her, and caring for her. Provision both economics and emotional reassurance. It tells a wife, “You matter to me. I take responsibility for you. I’m glad to bear this burden for our family.”
When Isaac “brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent,” he was letting her know, “I will take care of you. I will give you a home. I will carry the weight.” Provision isn’t about superiority; it’s about duty. A man who provides is not dominating his wife, he’s honoring her.
He Took Rebekah and She Was His Wife
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit. I Thessalonians 4:3-8
Some say a man possesses his own body, but “vessel” in “the weaker vessel (1 Pe. 3:7[53])” receives. The man gives; the woman receives.
A man sanctifies a woman and sets her apart by marrying her before taking her. God calls it “fraud” when a man persuades a woman to fulfill his lusts without marriage by claiming to love her. God avenges this by denying the man most of the joy God intended for marriage.
Fraud followed by bitterness isn’t a good start for marriage. God gives a man his desire when he takes a woman by lying to her, but fraud brings leanness into his soul (Psalm 106:15[54]). This can’t heal unless the man takes responsibility and confesses his sin to her and to their parents.
“Took to wife (Gen. 26:34; 1 Ki. 16:31; 1 Chr. 7:15)” shows that the men married before taking. The chemicals he puts into her body calm her. She loses her sense of independence and wants to cling to him and belong to him. This can be scary even if he marries her before taking her.
If a man takes a woman outside marriage, she knows he failed to protect her as Adam failed to protect Eve from the serpent. It’s hard for a woman to follow a man she can’t trust to protect her. He must keep her trust after marriage. If she says “ouch,” he should stop. It’s really stupid for a man to show his wife that he doesn’t care about hurting her.
Isaac Loved Rebekah
Older women can teach younger women how to love husbands (Titus 2:4[55]) because it’ss so simple that the Bible explains it in one verse (Song 8:3[56]). A man’s heart is comforted by closeness, warmth, and welcome. There’s no formula for making a wife feel loved because women are so different from each other, but the Bible describes the result of a husband’s love. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye, she prayed:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Naomi wanted her daughters to find ease, comfort, rest, and security, the deep peace that comes from knowing that their husbands chose to value and appreciate them as the Song teaches. Anyone watching any couple can see whether she has rest in belonging to her husband. Many women experience something else:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can say he loves a woman and even provide for her while keeping his heart closed to her. God has the same problem:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
Marriage cannot thrive on words alone. Married people need cheerful giving (2 Cor. 9:7[57]) from spouses.
Consider the high school sports hero. As he leads his team to victory, cheerleaders try to see which of them can encourage him the most. He tells one of them he loves her. She hasn’t been taught what a man means by “love” and gives herself to him. That doesn’t end well for her.
She thought he meant what she meant by love: belonging, commitment, protection, and a long-term future. He meant excitement, and the thrill of meaningless physical pleasure. She gave her heart and body to a boy who had no idea how to value either.
The book “Unprotected” by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman https://a.co/d/fIG4k9d confirms what Scripture teaches: casual intimacy can deeply wound women. Having treated more than 2,000 college students for depression and emotional distress, she saw a pattern: a woman can be devastated when she finds that her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex. Most women associate physical intimacy with commitment; most men don’t unless they’ve made a commitment first.
The husband in the Song has opened his heart and belongs to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
Delilah’s complaint against Samson was simple and direct:
And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
Delilah was angry because Samson refused to belong to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he closed his heart to her. What good was he to her? The emotional logic behind her anger is easy to understand. She felt deceived. She felt used. She felt that Samson had taken what she offered without giving himself in return. Who lied first?
Women Connect Through Emotion
Women open their hearts constantly as they help each other bear the burdens of husbands, children, and houses (1 Tim. 5:14[58]). Sharing feelings is so natural to women that they don’t realize that it’s as scary for a man to open his heart as for a woman to open her body. For a woman, vulnerability is physical. For a man, it’s emotional.
The Japanese say “One hair of a woman's head pulls harder than ten yoke of oxen.” No matter how strongly a man is drawn to a woman, he may be afraid to open his heart for fear of being hurt or vexed:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
God says it’s safe for a man to open his heart to his wife:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Pro. 31:11a
God’s promise: a wife is the safest place on earth for a man’s heart.
My fiancé explained her need for talk just before our wedding, see page 3. Talking with my mother in homeschool helped reduce my fears of discussing feelings, but I had no idea how to nourish and cherish her emotions. It took a year or so for me to begin to understand what she said about her feelings and even longer to learn how to talk about mine.
While I was learning, God showed her how important her loving submission was to me. I have limited circulation in my hands. Late in November, I grabbed her. She shrieked, “Stop! Take your hands off me!”
She was shocked by my look of deep hurt. She gasped, “Your hands are very cold!” That was the 1st I’d been aware of this problem. I ran hot water, warmed my hands, we made love, and the moment passed.
That showed her how very much I needed her to be my treasure, not because I demanded it, but because my heart was in her hands.
A man’s heart opens slowly. A woman’s heart opens quickly. Both are vulnerable in different ways. When a wife understands his fear and when a husband understands her longing, they can meet each other with compassion and love instead of frustration.
Wives Need Comfort in Times of Grief, Sorrow, or Stress
Women deal with hurts or stress from injury or the grief of a loved one’s death by talking. That is how God designed them to process emotion and gain strength. A man can be frustrated when she discusses a problem he can’t fix or a problem he could fix but she doesn’t want him to fix. If he stops listening, he’ll hurt her instead of comforting her. Her frustration blocks her from helping others who need her (2 Cor. 1:6[59]). Other women can help her, but her husband is her best source of comfort for stress, grief, sorrow, frustration, or tension.
This can be hard. When my brother-in-law died, my wife had to work through her own grief so she could uphold her sister and her family in their grief. She told me about the funeral on the phone and on the way home from the airport. I heard her tell a friend at church. She told me everything she’d told her friend. She went over this experience at least 20 times. She felt something different each time, but I heard the same story over and over again. I had to care each time in spite of boredom.
God is just. My wife thinks I want to do the same old thing over and over. Receiving her comfort is new and different to me each time, but she feels like, “Again? Didn’t we just do that?” God expects us to value each other’s things (Phi. 2:4[60]). It’s usually obvious what those things are.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
The wife not having power means that in marriage, each spouse belongs to the other. Traditional marriage vows said “to have and to hold.” A man marries to have her; she marries so he’ll hold her.
My wife warns women that a man’s desire for closeness is far stronger and more frequent than they expect. She exaggerates “5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed” to emphasize how utterly different a man’s view is from hers. The Holy Spirit had her tell me she planned to talk more in a day of marriage than in a week of dating. This warned me that her needs were utterly different from mine.
The more often a man has his wife, the more she needs to talk. The more a man talks, the more he wants to have her. They must “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[61])” to make this work. The Bible tells how:
He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. Matthew 10:39
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. Mark 8:35
Marriage thrives when each spouse gives themselves for the good of the other. Make your husband yours during the strength of his youth:
Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also? Genesis 18:12
It takes hours and days of back-and-forth talk to become one as Jesus expects (Mt. 19:5-6[62]). Women open their hearts all the time and don’t know how scary it is for men. 1 Cor. 11:9[63] says that women are made for men. Few men know vulnerable women feel when belonging to men. Each spouse carries a different kind of fear, and each needs grace.
My son’s wife asked about church policy. It took 45 minutes of question and answer for me to understand her question because she thought so differently from my wife. It took 15 minutes to explain my answer. After another 10 minutes, we discovered that my answer was wrong. We worked out the right answer together.
A man can’t spend that much time learning about more than one woman. Obeying God’s command for a husband to know his wife well enough for her to learn what pleases him limits him to only one. Deep understanding requires deep focus. Becoming one flesh is not something a man can do with several women; it is something he must do with one woman for the rest of his life, giving her the time, attention, and emotional presence that unity requires.
Isaac Loved Rebekah And Then He was Comforted
Rebekah could comfort Isaac after he convinced her that he loved her. Scripture describes this kind of security beautifully:
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
The wife asks her mother for advice how to love her husband:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
A godly mother teaches her daughter that she has more emotional capacity than her husband. Meeting his needs protects him from temptation and strengthens their bond. Proverbs warns that a man who goes to work without his heart anchored at home may be vulnerable to attention from others (Pr. 6:28[64]). Meeting his hourly needs binds him to her and to their children. His meeting her hourly needs binds him to her.
Marriage is held together by mutual comfort. A wife is comforted through heart‑to‑heart conversation; a husband is comforted through closeness and companionship. Marriages would flourish if husband and wife stopped criticizing and looked for small things to appreciate in each other instead. Jesus invites His people into rest:
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A wife bears the yoke of pleasing her husband. God commands him to live with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7[65]). The only way to get this knowledge is by hours and hours of daily open-hearted talk. This opens his heart to her. Learning of him makes his yoke easy and his burden light and shows her that he belongs to her as taught in the Song.
Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as his undeserved gift from God and she acts like his precious gift from God. Seeing marriage as a gift from God makes it wonderful enough that the work of husband and wife caring for each other and for their children becomes a joy:
Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18
A wife blesses her husband by giving him the reassurance and affection he needs. A husband blesses his wife by giving her the conversation, attention, and emotional presence she needs. God designed marriage to thrive only through mutual giving.
Naomi gave Ruth the best advice on getting marriage you’ll ever find:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth asked for it, it was such a good idea that he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? For the same reason Jacob worked for Laban for seven years:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Jacob fell for Rachel the moment he saw her. During 7 years working to earn her, they could talk, they could be together, they could grow close. Why wasn’t that enough for him? He wanted her as his wife, and he had to marry her to have what only marriage gives.[66]
Scripture teaches that a woman’s value falls if she gives herself without marriage (Pr. 31:10[67]). Marriage protects her, honors her, and requires that the man promise his life to her before he receives the gift of her life. A woman shouldn’t play hard to get, she should be hard to get. She is worth a man’s commitment, sacrifice, and lifelong devotion.
Why Does God Require That Pastors Be Married?
God commands that pastors must have wives because marriage trains a man how to bring up children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4)”. These are the same skills needed to shepherd God’s people.
A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife 4One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; 5(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?) I Timothy 3:2, 4-5
If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly Titus 1:6
An unmarried man has no “house” to lead, no wife to nourish, and no children to raise. How can he learn the patience, wisdom, and self-control needed to take care of the church of God? Pastors must be married fathers. They can have only one wife even if society accepts polygamy.
We know two churches which appointed unmarried men as youth pastor. Accusations of misbehavior nearly destroyed both churches. A pastor who’d done several successful church plants spent three years starting another with a married pastor who had no children. The work bore no fruit. Without the training that comes from raising a family, the ministry lacked the wisdom and steadiness God requires.
Page 3 explains why a pastor doesn’t have time to connect to the women in his congregation; he shepherds them through his wife.
My wife lost connections to her friends as they married. She thought she’d reconnect after we married, but she had to give birth before she could relate again. Pregnancy changes a woman’s emotions. A pastor’s wife can’t connect to the church women without having had children.
My wife tells pastors’ wives about the strength of a man’s desire. Most react in shock, not because the truth is offensive, but because their husband’s haven’t talked enough to convince them of his love and they’re afraid to belong to them. Only one said, “Of course! How else can I protect him from being tempted by all those unhappy women?” A pastor who doesn’t open his heart to his wife leaves her unable to guard him, unable to help him guard the church, and unable to relieve his stress.
Ruling his house and raising children “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4)” requires that a father understand them deeply. His wife sees things he does not see and talking to her builds his understanding of how their children are growing. A pastor needs more time talking to his wife than non-pastors because he also needs her view of the souls of the spiritual children whom God places under his care:
Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you. Hebrews 13:17
A pastor answers to God for leading the congregation toward spiritual growth. This demands all the wisdom and understanding he can get. God gives him a wife to supply insight he cannot get any other way.
When a pastor honors his wife publicly (Pr. 31:31b[68]) and asks, “Was there anything else I should announce,” women come to her with questions and about details. This helps his wife get information he can’t get and her different view when he discusses plans gives him ideas.
Opening his heart to her about the concerns and griefs of his spiritual children helps her feel that he belongs to her and makes her better able to comfort him. The stress relief of mutual comfort is essential for surviving the pastorate. Preacher’s Kids (PKs) need special attention because of all the pressures they face. Spiritual children can bring as much grief as biological children, sometimes more.
And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. II Corinthians 12:15
A pastor carries the weight of souls. His wife’s comfort, insight, and emotional steadiness become part of God’s provision for him. Without her, he faces the pressures of ministry alone, and no man is strong enough for that. Comforting her husband several times per day improves his wife’s mood and the stress relief makes them both healthier.
A husband must talk to his wife enough to relieve her stress and heal her sorrows. She suffers because of their spiritual children just as he does. She needs extra talk to heal the extra hurt and to have enough emotional energy to help others. When he gives her his comfort, visiting wives see that she is calm, appreciated, and established in the ministry. They’ll return so their husbands can learn how to build a marriage like that. This makes her the most important member of his church.
If a pastor allows his connection to his wife to weaken through neglect, it’s easy to build subtle ties to women in the congregation. His “emotional harem” weakens their connections to their own husbands. The pastor’s wife may not understand what’s going on, but her feelings of neglect and jealousy grow. The church feels it when his marriage suffers.
Trials help us relate to others in the congregation, especially the newly-saved (2 Cor. 1:4[69]). Pain of miscarriage, death of a relative, a broken leg, or illness can help others relate to us and trust God when they see how He sustains us. A pastor’s wife cannot share her grief freely unless she her husband upholds and comforts her by talking as much as she needs. Then her suffering is a ministry, not a burden she must hide.
The Tragedy of Ignored Comfort
Every pastor we know well calls other pastors for advice about problems. When he does this without first opening his heart to his wife, he not only ignores the womanly source of comfort God gave him, his problem description won’t include her knowledge of the congregation. My wife and I often asked for advice about raising our children, but only after talking enough to make sure that we agreed on all details of the problem.
Why would a pastor seek comfort from colleagues? When anything goes wrong in a child’s life, the child screams for mommy. Children appreciate fathers, but know that women are made to give comfort. A pastor who turns first to other men for comfort is like a frightened child who runs past his mother to a neighbor.
Ignoring her knowledge keeps her from helping him. Cutting her out of discussions makes her feel unloved. How can she comfort him without knowing his heart? Pastors burn out and leave pulpits or churches fly apart when pastors don’t receive the comfort God intended for them.
“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth (3 Jn. 1:4).” A father has a hard time raising children without his wife’s help. A pastor has a hard time raising biological or spiritual children without his wife’s help. A pastor misses the joy and comfort God intended by neglecting the wife God gave to help do the work God called him to do.
A pastor can sometimes absorb so much emotional energy from the congregation that he can’t handle his wife’s emotions. If he restores his wife’s emotional energy by talking to her, she can not only absorb more of the congregational stress, she’d be able to comfort him a lot more often. Her comfort relieves his stress so he can handle more of the load.
God was displeased when His servant buried the talent in the ground instead of using it as He expected. The servant who gained five talents by trading worked a lot harder than the servant who buried his one talent. God rewarded His faithful, hard-working servant and punished the lazy servant who ignored the gift.
That warning applies to all husbands, not just to pastors.
Rewards of Obedience to God
If a wife belongs to her husband, her happiness also belongs to him. It took me about a month to learn that making my wife happy by spending money on our house made me far happier than anything I could buy for myself. Eph. 5:25-30 tells husbands to give their lives for their wives. I earn so much per hour. When she spends that amount, I’ve given one hour of my life for her, and her happiness becomes my reward.
Many wives struggle to find birthday or Christmas gifts for a husband. Men want just one thing. If she’s truly and gladly his, that’s all he really wants and she can spend the money on the house. If she isn’t his, he’ll buy toys to make himself happy but that won’t work. Ecclesiastes 2 tells us that Solomon’s work was vanity and chasing after wind because he did it for himself. A godly husband’s work isn’t vain because he does it for his wife, children, and church. His wife should appreciate him often!
Nothing straightens a man like having a woman lean on him. Having her be happy in being his makes it easier for him to open his heart to her. Her trust strengthens him. Her joy motivates him. Her dependence matures him. Her belonging draws out the best in him.
A wife’s glad obedience to God blesses her husband. A husband’s glad obedience to God blesses his wife. Both discover that God’s design brings joy no one can create for themselves.
Ch. 5 - Science Supports God’s Commands for Holy Matrimony
The way you answer these questions shapes your entire marriage :
· Where do you find truth? Do trust the Word of God or do you follow “the oppositions of science falsely so called (1 Tim. 6:20)?”
· Is God good? Every Christian says that God is good, but few act like they believe it.
If men truly believe that God is good, they wouldn’t complain so bitterly about the way God made women. If women believed in their hearts that God is good, they wouldn’t complain so much about men. God’s design is not the problem, the problem is unbelief.
Marriage done God’s way gives a taste of the joys of Heaven on earth, but many Churches have forgotten how Holy Matrimony works. When unbelievers see Christians can’t handle this life better than they, why should they care what we say about the life to come?
Men long for women and women long be wanted by men, but the Internet is full of relationship problems. If a man doesn’t meet her needs, the relationship can’t thrive, but few women have the words to explain their needs to a man. Even if he wants to make her happy badly enough to work at it, he can’t fix it if she can’t tell him the problem. This chapter gives couples the words they need to explain their needs.
As the sexual revolution began, my grandmother said, “Women ask for very little and that’s what they get.” She understood something modern culture has forgotten: women drive civilization by insisting that men marry them, care for them, and help raise their children.
Pres. Reagan spoke the truth, “If it weren’t for women, men would swing clubs and sleep in trees.” A responsible man works hard caring for his car, tools, or whatever matters to him. Boys can’t handle the responsibilities of marriage and play with girls instead of committing.
Without a wife, many men would live in a cave, a truck, or wherever costs the least effort. When a wife chooses to belong to her husband, he rises to the responsibility. He works, builds, protects, and provides because he wants to care for her. A man’s drive to keep his wife secure, happy, and in the mood is one of the great engines of civilization.
Older women must teach women about men (Ti. 2:4-5[70]). Older men must teach men to honor, praise, respect, and protect women (Ti. 2:6[71]). God designed marriage to be taught from generation to generation.
Research has found that our brains can be flooded with dopamine when a man and woman interact. Any interaction can trigger neurochemicals which change the couple’s brains to bind them together.
“Drugs such as cocaine and amphetamine target dopamine neurons.[72]
. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[73] [emphasis added]
Dopamine is often called the brain’s “pleasure chemical.” People naturally desire anything that increases dopamine because it produces feelings of reward, motivation, and attachment. God designed this for our good. When a man and woman interact, dopamine and other bonding chemicals draw them toward each other and strengthen their connection. God designed neurochemistry to bind couples together.
There are many harmful ways to chase dopamine: sin, addiction, or relationships outside God’s design. What God intended to bring couples into unity can be twisted into something very destructive.
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[74]). Giving herself to a man binds her to him. This binds him to her but not always with the same strength or permanence. When couples break up after forming these bonds outside marriage, the emotional damage can make it harder for either of them to form a strong, lasting marriage later. God’s design protects the heart by placing bonding inside the safety of marriage.
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[75] [Emphasis added]
Being deeply bonded to a spouse who treats you kindly strengthens your health and lengthens your life, but being bonded to someone unkind can cause deep emotional and even physical harm. Bonding chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin tie our hearts together, so we must be careful to whom we allow ourselves become attached. Before letting your heart connect, make sure the other person treats you kindly and treats other people kindly as well. Kindness is not something that appears magically after marriage; it must be obvious before the bond forms.
Let’s review the most important part of any joyful marriage!
Give Your Spouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You
As Naomi left Moab, her prayer gave the foundation of joyful marriage:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
A hurtful spouse is like a bad addiction: the bond brings pain instead of rest. Before we married, God led my wife to ask me not to criticize her. “Your opinion of me will be very important,” she said. “I want to love you very much. The more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
Men can understand that. Men know why they married. Wives probably doesn’t know why, women marry for different reasons, but men know. Why would a man make it hard for his wife to love him?
Nowhere in the Bible does a husband criticize his wife. I want to make it as easy as possible for her to love me. I watch what I say so she can feel safe and find rest in belonging to me. I’ll say, “That didn’t work out as well as we expected…” Note the “we.” She tries hard to please me so I’m part of all she does. My taking responsibility means she doesn’t feel criticized when things go wrong. Scripture warns us:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
People who love each other can be hurt badly by unkind words. We guard our tongues to be sure our words are health at all times.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 4:31-5:2
Our sins have been washed away. When God looks on my wife or me, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 6:11[76]). To be a follower of God, we must see each other and think of each other and speak of each other and treat each other as perfect by giving the same grace God shows us.
Jesus sent His disciples out as God had sent Him and breathed the Holy Spirit on them (Jn. 20:21-22[77]). Peter took them fishing instead. Jesus came after them, fed them, and asked Peter “Do you love Me?”
Peter had seen Jesus weep. He knew that if he let himself love people as Jesus had, he would be hurt when they chose not to accept the gospel. Jesus’ questions didn’t create Peter’s love for Jesus, but made him admit to himself that he loved Jesus. Admitting his love made Peter want to please Jesus; he spent the rest of his life spreading the Gospel.
I understand Peter because my dad never admitted to himself that he loved my mother. He said he did but words mean little, talk is cheap:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
Being a missionary wife is hard: learning enough of a foreign culture to share womanly feelings is far more difficult than learning enough to preach the Gospel. When my wife tried to talk about raising me, my mother had felt so unloved and had had so little conversation that she’d forgotten how to do women-talk! She spoke of leaving my dad.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
Feeling neither loved nor appreciated dried my mother’s bones. She thought dad would leave her when she was diagnosed with cancer, but he took early retirement and cared for her until she died. She finally knew he loved her, but by that time it was too late.
She died at 62; her mother lived into her nineties. Given the choice of living 30 more years feeling unloved or dying knowing she was loved, she’d have chosen early death. Don’t dry your wife’s bones.
My wife choosing to treat me as perfect makes it safe for me to rest in loving her and vice versa. Men don’t want to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt. Our care to have the law of kindness in our tongues makes it safe for both of us to love each other. Our love for Jesus makes us want to please Him by loving each other and serving each other. We work hard to make our home safe for everyone’s feelings, emotions, and hurts. That makes our home safe for us and for our children.
When a woman wants a man to change, she should make her point without saying anything. Some say, “A woman can’t change a man by loving him. He changes himself when he loves her.” God says:
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation[78] of the wives; I Peter 3:1
That means without saying anything. When we married, I’d lived 9 years in non-family situations. When I tracked mud into our house, she didn’t scold me. She grabbed a rag and silently wiped up behind me. Her silence spoke more effectively than words ever could. I quit doing it.
When you die, people will remember the very last thing you said. Never say anything which you wouldn’t to be a last memory of you. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything, not ever.
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, / Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit / Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, / Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” ― Omar Khayyám
Men aren’t used to speaking or even thinking about feelings and don’t want to recognize their own feelings for fear of being hurt. Every man knows that women can slice men to ribbons:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare men. He may not want to admit his love even to himself because love gives someone else the power to destroy him. God knows this, so He wrote that it’s safe to love a virtuous wife:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Pro. 31:11a
A gentle tongue makes love safe. A harsh tongue makes love dangerous. A safe home lets love grow. A dangerous home makes love wither. Wives, how can you expect him to open his heart to you if you wound him with your words? Men, how can you expect your wife to open herself to you if you hurt her?
Kindness is not optional. It is the foundation of a healthy, lifelong bond. Kindness is the soil where trust grows, the shelter where emotions can rest, and the atmosphere where love becomes strong enough to handle the sorrows that are part of life. Kindness is the heart of holy matrimony. It is the key to healthy marital bonding.
Handling Conflict
When your spouse hurts you, it’s almost never on purpose: people get thoughtless, or selfish. Your hurt is about you, your spouse may have no idea you’re upset. Discuss your hurt honestly without making your spouse the enemy. Talk about yourself, not your spouse. When you keep your spouse out of the problem, you can work together to solve it instead of fighting about what the problem is.
Say, “I was hurt when I heard . . .” or “I felt unloved when this happened . . .” Never say “when you” as if you’re blaming your spouse, that leads to fights. This is discussed in detail on page 75.
Servant Leadership
God values women and men equally (Gal. 3:28[79]) but He gave different roles. God expects a wife to submit to her husband and to follow his leadership. God calls a husband to maintain his wife’s trust, affection, and her bond to him by fulfilling his duty to nourish and cherish her (Eph. 5:29[80]), not by ruling over her, but by serving her for the rest of his life.
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:42-44
If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35b
Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Matthew 20:28
Biblical leadership is servant leadership. It only works with willing followers. Men know they should lead, but some become frustrated when their wives do not follow. Often the problem is simple: she cannot follow what she does not understand. Leadership requires explanation.
Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. John 15:15
Explaining promotes a wife from servant to friend. A husband who explains honors his wife. A wife who follows honors her husband.
Ladies, do not marry a man who will not explain. Men, do not marry a woman who will not follow — but make sure you explain.
Servant leadership is not about control. It is about sacrifice and love.
Only Praise
The Song of Solomon explains how to maintain a happy marriage. There is no criticism in the Song, it’s full of praise for little things. Married people need constant praise, support, and appreciation from each other. Thank God for marriage and for your spouse! Then thank your spouse!
It starts with the wife praising her husband for his closeness to her (Song 1:2[81]). Feeling appreciated by his wife makes a man more willing to care for her and eager to appreciate her by praising her. What happens when a wife praises her husband for kissing? It exalts him:
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
He's so addicted to his wife that he sees other women as people, not as temptations. He tells the world that she's uniquely perfect:
Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song 4:7
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song 6:9
The wife has the security of knowing her husband belongs to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
A man convinces his wife he belongs to her by opening his heart to her, in detail. She can’t follow without knowing where he’s going. Praise opens the heart. Criticism closes it. The Song teaches us that marriage thrives on admiration, not on accusation.
Why A Man Wants A Woman
A man pursues a woman because he knows how much joy she can give him. She must explain that God created her to be His treasured gift for one man, not a toy who wanders from man to man seeking love.
Jesus taught that men marry, women are given in marriage. A wife is a gift from God Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth, to her husband:
They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, Luke 17:27a
In a church wedding, the bride’s father walks her down the aisle and tells everyone that he and her mother are giving her to her husband. Their blessing is meaningful and helpful, but a wife is a gift from God:
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
God made women sensitive to how men treat them and gave them strong desires for connection. Women must guard their hearts:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
A woman shouldn’t let herself get emotionally tangled with a man until after he marries her. She should then strive to be a good and perfect gift from God to her husband and he must honor her emotions!
1 Peter 3:7 commands giving honour unto the wife. Being honored by her husband gives her rest.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A woman who’s involved with a man wears the yoke of pleasing him. Will he make his yoke easy and his burden light? Will he help her learn of him by opening his heart, explaining his thoughts, and making his desires clear? She can’t please him without knowing his wants in detail.
They must both make the yoke of love light enough to carry with joy.
Bearing His Burden Changes A Woman
A wife chooses whether to honor her husband. Honor cannot be commanded, it must be given freely. Some years ago, I read:
Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well. I Timothy 3:12
“Wife,” I asked, “do I qualify? I don’t rule you, I hardly ever tell you what to do.”
She replied, “You rule me totally. Your ways aren’t natural to me, but we’ve talked enough that I know how you want things done. Nearly everything I do, I do it your way because I know it pleases you.”
She chose to serve me out of love just as Christ chose to die for sinners out of love. Once I understood that, I started asking if my way was more work than hers so she could use her way if it didn’t matter to me.
It also revealed another advantage of all that talking: a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants. The only way she can find out is through hours and hours of the kind of open-hearted talk that scares and bores most men, but shows her how to please him. A man who refuses to talk leaves his wife carrying a burden she cannot understand. A man who opens his heart makes her burden light.
Putting Marriage on the Table
If a man expresses interest and there’s any possibility that they might marry, she must establish her terms before the first date. She must make it clear that marriage must come before she gives herself to him.
When I first offered to buy my wife lunch, she said “Yes,” but before we left church for the restaurant, she set her terms and conditions:
“Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not just looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”
Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart. A woman who lets herself fall in love with a man who isn’t willing to marry anyone is crusin’ for a brusin’; she’s heading for a world of hurt.
When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me to pay her way. For generations, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and wouldn’t marry unless he’d grown up enough to support her. In 1971, many women lived with men without marriage, paid “their share” of the rent, and became “friends with benefits.” She let me know she wasn’t going to do that.
The Bible sums up marriage in one verse:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
She made the same points before dating. She expected me to pay, she wanted marriage, she expected me to treat her as a treasure, and she planned to be a treasure. She emphasized marriage by telling me she wasn’t a toy. She’d seen her friends involved with men who saw nothing wrong with sex outside marriage even if the woman wasn’t willing.
A man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven. I was attracted to her, I liked talking to her, and she told me she planned to be God’s treasure for her husband! If she wanted to be my treasure, I’d be a fool not to marry her. I said, “Sure,” and we went to lunch.
Before dating, a woman should ask him to agree that the goal is to see whether he and she will marry, his life for her life. “A wise woman buildeth her house,” starting before marriage. Page 121 tells how Ruth’s marriage came about. Cultures are different, but God’s principles don’t change. Few women know how to get married; a woman can save herself much grief by knowing what drives a man to marry.
I had no idea that she had no idea that being my treasure would cost her all of her independence. To her credit, when she found how much closeness I needed, she realized that was what God expected of her and decided to do her best to belong to me.
Was it Biblical for her to mention marriage first? Boaz didn’t think of marriage. Once Ruth gave him the idea, he rushed out and married her.
Get marriage on the table early. If a man won’t agree to consider marrying a woman who plans to be God’s treasure for her husband, there’s something wrong with him and she shouldn’t waste her time.
A woman who knows her worth puts marriage on the table early. A man who wants a woman of worth is glad she did.
God’s Expectations When A Woman Marries
American society has turned against stay-at-home mothers. When my wife was raising children, people said, “Put ‘em in day care and get a job. Don’t waste your life. Do something worthwhile!” Fifty years later, the anti-motherhood movement has become much stronger. God said:
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, I Timothy 5:14a
Weakening motherhood destroys societies. In ancient Greece, a soldier who died in battle was carried home on his shield. If he ran, he’d throw his shield away to run faster. Greek mothers taught their sons, “Come back carrying your shield or on it.” Greek warriors were the best in the world – Alexander the Great conquered from Greece to India. When Greek mothers stopped teaching their sons to fight to defend their homes and families, Rome conquered Greece.
When the sun never set on the British Empire, people said, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” Children were taught to spread the gospel and British rule everywhere. They understood that, “Behind every successful man, there’s a woman” because a wife’s encouragement and her husband’s desire to care for her drive a man’s career.
A woman considering marriage must think logically and carefully. Does he consider Scripture, talk with her, and think before he acts? Will he explain logical reasons for what he does? Does he value her suggestions and thoughts? She can’t help him if he won’t listen to her.
Think about fatherhood. Is he healthy? She doesn’t want a sickly child. Is he smart and responsible enough to hold a job to support her and her children? Is he interesting to talk to? Does he have good ideas?
A Mother’s Three Gifts to Her Children
The first gift a mother gives her child is life itself. Death in childbirth is less common than it was but it happens. A pregnant woman walks the valley of the shadow of death out of love for her unborn child.
Jesus created us knowing that Adam would sin and He would have to die to give us salvation. Mothers illustrate His love for us by wanting children enough to risk their lives; men must honor women for this.
The second gift is a father with strong emotional and financial ties to that child. A man may talk of birds and bees, but deep in his heart, a man doesn't believe he has anything to do with making babies. The baby is hers - she had it last - but what does her baby have to do with him?
The only way to give her child an emotionally and financially committed father is to belong to him thoroughly before getting pregnant. If she requires that he commit himself by marrying before giving herself and then convinces him that she belongs to him by encouraging him to be close whenever he can, her children also belong to him.
“Vasopressin [the neurochemical that changes a man’s brain as oxytocin changes a woman’s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate and attachment to his offspring. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding and bonding between fathers and children.”[82] [emphasis added, “bond” means “become addicted.”]
“The time my father got me, his mind was not on me.” What was he thinking as you were conceived? Was he thinking at all?
The third gift is the gift of a mother. Having risked her life to give her child life, having given up her independence by choosing to humble herself by belonging to her husband, God expects her to give up her career and dedicate her life to nourishing and cherishing her family.
Jesus was equal to God the Father, but chose to become a servant and be born as a man (Phil. 2:6-8[83]). Husband and wife are equally part of the image of God (Gen. 5:1-2[84]). Men and women are equally “one in Christ (Gal. 3:28[85]).” Nevertheless, God expects a wife to choose to humble herself and submit to her husband (Eph. 5:22[86]; 1 Pe. 3:5[87]).
She must live on what her husband earns, encourage him in his job, and mother their children. Women with jobs have neither the time nor energy to teach their sons to be Biblical husbands or to teach daughters to be Biblical wives. They subcontract motherhood to hirelings.
A mother’s three gifts to her children: her life, her husband’s commitment to them, and her calling shape the next generation.
To Sum Up
God made our desires powerful to hold marriages together until death. Coming together calms a wife[88], takes away her independence, and makes her more sensitive to how she thinks he feels about her. If he’s unhappy, she won’t want to feel that and will withdraw. If he convinces her he rejoices in her, she’ll rejoice in his joy as she gives herself to him.
The Song of Solomon shows that the wife delights in belonging to her husband because she is confident that he belongs to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
Women differ from each other so much that there is no general rule for convincing a wife that her husband values and appreciate her as an entire person. Learning that much about her takes a lot of time which helps him convince her and make her comfortable in being with him.
Anyone can see if he has made her comfortable enough to rest in belonging to him that she can rejoice in giving herself that often. We need to teach that scientific research supports God’s old paths:
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. But they said, We will not walk therein. Jeremiah 6:16
Christians aren’t raising enough children to keep churches open:
Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth? Luke 18:8b
We must convince young people that science and the Word of God show that God’s old paths of virtuous, permanent marriages are best for couples and for their children. God’s design is still the best way.
Ch. 6 - God Draws Women and Men Together
Men want women; women want to be wanted. God expects women to be valued. Marriage done God’s way brings great joy. Couples should be able to make marriages work, but many find deep pain instead.
Marriages don’t last without deep emotional connections between husband and wife, but men and women connect very differently. They must both learn how to meet the other’s need for strong connections.
Men become close by sharing intense experiences, unlike women who draw close by sharing their deepest feelings and share experiences by talking about them. War veterans shot at 40 years ago still get together to talk about it. Once trust forms, they’re bound ‘til death because a man’s life often depends on the faithfulness of those around him. A firefighter dies if the other person holding the hose fails him.
Veterans keep getting together because even the bonds of sharing deadly combat need maintenance. Women struggle to understand such ties. A woman isn’t satisfied by hearing how the men were shot at, she wants to know how they felt about it. Men don’t say how they felt, that’s private. They care who stood and fought instead of running when the bullets flew. Talking doesn’t build a man’s trust, “You had to be there.”
Men talk about experiences, but not to build relationships as women do. Men tell “virtue” stories to teach courage and loyalty, women tell “feeling” stories to build emotional ties. Women think heroic stories are unrealistic while men feel that relationship stories are pointless. Both misunderstand the other’s way of bonding.
Sex is God’s way to bind a husband to his wife through intense shared experience, see page 46. Sex hormones bind a wife to her husband, make her feel that she belongs to him, and humble her, see page 36.
Giving herself to me was the most frightening experience of my wife’s life: nobody had warned her that God made her to belong to a man. That’s what submission is. Opening my heart as I had promised was as scary for me. The idea of letting his wife into his heart scares most men.
The more often a man has his wife, the more she wants to talk. The more they talk, the more he wants to have her. They must “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[89])” to make this work. The Bible tells how:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
The wife not having power means she must open her body to her husband whenever he is able to have her. If she drains off all his energy, other women won’t tempt him. If she sends him out loaded, he’ll be tempted by other women and they could both be burned.
God expects a man to open his heart to his wife often enough and thoroughly enough to learn her needs:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge I Peter 3:7a
The only way he can get knowledge of her is through hours and hours of open-hearted talk. The man not having power of his body means he must open his heart to her often enough to satisfy her emotional needs. If he doesn’t meet her emotional needs, she’ll be tempted to commit emotional adultery by talking to other men.
The Bible says its fraud against your marriage if you don’t make the ties between you strong enough to protect each other from temptation. A couple shouldn’t marry unless they want each other badly enough to meet these needs gladly for the rest of their lives. She learns whether he trusts her enough to open his heart while courting. They also find out whether they can create a “safe space” to rejoice in each other, page 37.
Be careful. Many men and women try to appear to be kind and open-hearted until the other person is too emotionally involved to back out. A charming man who plays with women is called a “lady-killer;” a woman who destroys men is a femme fatale — a dangerous woman.
Being yelled in anger even once is an unforgivable deal-breaker. Kids are taught not to throw angry words at each by age two or three. Marriage needs emotional safety, without that, it won’t work. Anyone who can’t control anger isn’t mature enough to be a lifelong spouse.
Young people need the wisdom of older people who can hear and see patterns the young cannot. They can often tell the difference between sincerity and manipulation, and their warnings can save much grief.
Young people fall in love quickly. Older people see patterns better.
Ch. 7 – Having Answers Before and During Marriage
Holy Matrimony done God’s way gives both husband and wife a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth. God tells us how to do that.
Yea, all of you [the entire church which includes all married couples] be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5b
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
Hear the pain in God’s voice! This plea came after God plagued the Egyptians so that they drove the Jews out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea, gave them water from a rock, and they worshipped a golden calf!
You can’t separate God’s love from His holiness. His love makes Him want to bless us, but His Holiness means He can’t bless disobedience! You can choose to follow Him or go your own way:
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
God put very strong desires into men and women so that we’d pair up in marriage to give Him children who will grow up to serve Him:
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm 127:3
A man will marry and care for her if he values her highly enough and marriage is the only way she’ll give herself to him. If he can have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have?
[Holy Matrimony where spouses choose to appreciate and serve each other] greatly increases the chance for a child to be raised in a nurturing two-parent home, which studies have shown provides a child the most advantageous environment for growing into his or her potential.[90] [emphasis added]
Scripture tells how to do this. “The words of King Lemuel, the wisdom his mother taught him (Pr. 31:1).” Working mothers have neither time nor emotional energy to teach their sons how to nourish and cherish wives, so a woman must be ready to explain why she insists that a man follow God’s plan of marriage. If she doesn’t teach him, who will?
As the old rhyme says, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”
Answers for the Lost
God expects us to be ready to explain our joy in this life (1 Pe. 3:15[91]). People seeing the fruit of the spirit (Gal. 5:22-23[92]) may ask why we have more hope and joy than they. We have the honor of laboring together with God. We plant and water (1 Cor. 3:6-9[93]) by telling people how to find the joy of the Lord (Neh. 8:10[94]) in marriage and in all of life.
God expects couples to dedicate their lives to serving Him by serving each other, their children, and His church. As Christians, we should be convinced that God loves us, He wants our lives to glorify Him, and He created our spouses to bless us. His word has the keys to a joyful life.
Romans 7:4[95] uses the word “marriage” to describe the relationship between an individual Christian and Christ. Holy Matrimony is a picture of the unbreakable bond between Jesus and each of His believers. Lost people see unhappy Christian marriages and divorce. If we can’t handle this life any better than they, why should they care what we say about the life to come? Divorce damages our children and our testimony.
John 3:16 sums up salvation, can you teach one verse which shows how marriage works? See page 21.
Churches must teach us to thank God for marriage. Older women must teach young women about men (Ti. 2:4-5[96]). Older men must teach young men to honor, praise, and protect women (Ti. 2:6[97]). Without this generational teaching, couples enter marriage unprepared for the responsibilities God gives them.
Titus 2:4-596, Eph. 5:22-24[98], and Eph. 5:33123 tell women to obey and follow their husbands. My wife believed that obeying God would bless her even though she couldn’t understand how. She had to find a man whom she trusted and respected enough to obey, who was going where God wanted her to go, a man who’d help her glorify God with him.
Men, it’s hard for a wife to respect you if you aren’t respectable. How can she honor you if you aren’t honorable? She can’t obey if she doesn’t understand what you want; she can’t follow unless she knows where you’re going and unless she trusts you. Here’s a problem: God made men and women think very differently, for good reason. Women often have a hard time understanding a man’s thinking or his plans.
Some men say that women are too emotional to understand men, but “a prudent wife is from the LORD (Pr. 19:14b).” The exact mixture of logic and emotion that God gave each woman is from Him. A man who complains about her thought process is questioning the wisdom of God who created her. A man’s wife needs a lot of explanation. A husband must explain his plans. No matter how much longsuffering it takes!
And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; II Timothy 2:24-25a
This is for all Christians, not just for husbands, who must labor to master the part about “in meekness instructing.”
Advantages of a Meek and Quiet Spirit
Women must be taught to behave modestly to avoid the wrong kind of male attention. Society teaches girls to dress in revealing clothes and to flirt to draw attention from men. God teaches the opposite:
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3:3-4
In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. I Timothy 2:9-10
Society teaches women to act like toys. Godly behavior is the opposite of flirting, dressing in “marketing mode,” or signaling to men “come play with me.” If you aren’t giving it away, don’t advertise.
Watch how a boy plays with a toy truck. He pushes it one way then another way until he gets tired of it. Then he throws aside and grabs another toy. It’s wrong for a man to stir up a woman’s emotions by playing with her, but many play with women who advertise availability.
When Magic Johnson told of having AIDS in 1991, news reports said women dressed in low-cut spandex and lined up outside locker rooms. Athletes came out, chose a toy from the lineup, and took her to bed.
How could a woman give herself to a man who didn’t even know her name? The general feeling was, “We’re nothing and will always be nothing. But if a hero chooses us, his greatness rubs off on us.” They hadn’t been taught that God created them to be His treasured gift for one man, not sex toys who wander from man to man seeking love.
“. . . the inability to bond after multiple liaisons is rooted in the fact that our behaviors actually physically change our brains. The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals.”[99]
When a woman doesn’t know her God-given value, she settles for crumbs of attention instead of the lifelong love God designed for her.
Men Don’t Always Respect or Honor Women
Scripture is honest about the fact that sinful men do not always honor or protect women. The attraction God created between men and women can be twisted by sin into selfishness, exploitation, and even violence.
Abraham feared he would be killed in Egypt because Sarah was so beautiful (Gen. 12:10-20). Pharaoh didn’t ask if Sarah wanted to be in his house (Gen. 12:15[100]). Isaac had the same fear in Gerar, and Abimelech admitted that one of his men might have taken Rebekah without a second thought (Gen. 26:10[101])
Throughout Scripture, we see that women often had little control over how men treated them. Adam didn’t ask Eve if she wanted to be called “woman (Gen. 2:23)” or “Eve (Gen. 3:20).”
Esther was taken into King Ahasuerus’ harem (Est. 2:8[102]). Bathsheba was summoned by King David (2 Sam. 11:4[103]). These stories are not endorsements, they are warnings about the reality of sin in the world.
History tells the same story. In many cultures, men treated sexual sin lightly and dismissed the harm done to women. Men often see assault as trivial “boys‑will‑be‑boys” behavior. Human nature has not changed, but the Bible corrects this thinking by giving women and men the same value:
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
Women complain about “rape culture.” It is true that many men behave sinfully and predatory behavior is real. Scripture is clear: men are fully responsible for their actions, and violating a woman is always evil.
Scripture also teaches wisdom. Women can put themselves in danger by getting drunk. If a woman leaves her purse in a convertible with the top down, is it a surprise if someone steals it? People shouldn’t steal and men shouldn’t rape, but should women be careful?
Treating sex as play harms women. A woman should be valued for far more than her body. Being toyed with and discarded can make it hard for her to trust a husband enough to give herself to him as freely and as joyfully as he and God expect. “Not in Lust” on page 159 discusses the scientific difference between love and lust.
Women Must Involve God When a Man Approaches
God helped us a lot as my wife and I courted and married. We knew the basics from Bible reading and attending church but not everything. We made two bad mistakes that could have damaged our marriage, but God protected us because she had asked Him to choose her husband.
A year before I found her, she thought she’d marry her boyfriend. He was a church youth leader but he could be very negative. Some weekends were wonderful because she liked spending time with the man she loved. Others were awful when he tore her down. She never knew which version of him she’d get. She became timid and introverted, not wanting to say anything for fear of being criticized or corrected unkindly.
Her parents had always loved her and encouraged her. She’d been an outgoing person before she met him. They were concerned at seeing her become withdrawn and uncertain from being around him.
Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.” Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew his family. He said her friend had a critical spirit and there was no way she’d be able to make him happy. When she asked her boyfriend about it, he huffed, “That’s the way I am. If you don’t like it, good bye!” so she stopped seeing him.
What was her mistake? She hadn’t guarded her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God! Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
Our hearts define what we are, but we should rule our emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Having learned why she should let God direct her (Pr. 3:5-6[104]), she asked God to choose her husband. A year went by. She prayed, “Oh God, please, send me a husband or make me content without one.”
One Sunday, as she opened her hymnbook, she felt that she’d been seen by a man behind her. “Is this my husband?” she wondered. She was thinking of marrying me before she even saw me!
She felt my interest in her. This “situational sense” is how God protects women from bigger, stronger men. Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” https://a.co/d/4t8Ik2u describes women who were robbed or raped. They said they felt uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking. His book says to pay attention when we feel something’s wrong and discusses ways to tell which fears are real and which are not.
A woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks (Judges 16:18a[105]). Many women ignore God’s gift for protection and won’t look because they’re afraid they might see something negative and have to call it off.
We talked for an hour or so after church, then I told her I was going to date her. I didn’t ask her, I told her. Way back then, women’s lib told women not to follow any man. I needed to know if she’d follow me.
For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:45
If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all. Mark 9:35
A man must lead a woman by serving her. That works only if she’s willing to follow, so I had to find out if she’d take direction.
She knew I was taking command. Wheels turned behind her eyes 15 or 20 seconds. She heard God ask, “Who’s going to choose? You or me?” She gulped and said, “OK.” She gulped even though she wanted to date me and was pretty sure God planned to give her to me. Having seen her friends hurt badly by men, she knew that getting involved with a man would have a profound effect on her life. She’s not alone.
Rebecca veiled herself before meeting Isaac (Gen. 24:65[106]). It wasn’t the custom to veil or Isaac wouldn’t have told her to say she was his sister (Gen. 26:7[107]). Why did she veil? She knew Isaac’s plans would have a strong effect on her. All she knew about Isaac was that he was a relative who could fling the bling (Gen. 24:53[108]). She hoped to find rest in marriage to him. Covering herself gave her a little space, a moment to steady her heart before stepping into a life-changing relationship.
The Course Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth - William Shakespeare
“Marriage on the Table” on page 44 explains her conditions for dating me. Something very Japanese I did while walking to the restaurant for lunch made her angry. She could have driven home – her car was right there. I’d have been badly hurt and we probably wouldn’t have married.
She thought, “This guy’s smitten with me. He didn’t offer to buy me food to make me mad.” Instead of showing anger, she gently asked why I’d done it. When I told her, she liked my reason. She saw that there would be many such issues, but she could trust me to open my heart and tell her why. When I opened my heart to her as Boaz opened his heart to Ruth the day they met (Ruth 2:11-12[109]), she knew that we’d be OK if I told her why. Her assuming I didn’t want to anger her got her a husband. Assuming good faith is one of the keys to happy marriage, see page 75.
“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken!” – Oliver Cromwell
On our second date, she told me she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night. She’d asked God to protect her years ago, now she asked me to help God protect her. I knew God commands purity so I agreed. My classmates were pretty casual about purity. It was a good thing the Holy Spirit told her to remind me that God expected me to protect her from the moment we met until the hour of my death.
She was not asking me to follow her rules. She was asking me to follow God’s rules, and she was asking me to help her obey Him.
A woman who values purity needs a man who values purity. A woman who fears God needs a man who fears God. A woman who guards her heart needs a man who protects her from him ‘til death do them part.
How Would I Rule Her?
She knew I could rule her when I told her we would date, but she wanted to know how I’d rule. We were at my apartment with my roommate. She did something I told her not to do. She said, “You can’t stop me.” She didn’t know that challenging a man can tempt him to react in ways that are not wise or safe. We didn’t understand that danger at the time.
What mattered most was not the mistake she made, but how I responded. I did not yell. I did not strike her. I did not shame her. Instead, I stopped, stayed calm, and gently made it clear that I meant what I said. She saw that I did not lead her harshly or react in anger.
She said, “I’ll behave,” and the moment passed. She realized she could trust my leadership because I did not use force, intimidation, or anger. She rested in that. She began saying “Yes, sir” as the Spirit moved her, not because I demanded it, but because she felt safe in following me.
Her body language changed so much that when we visited her parents the next week, her mother thought, “She’s calm. She’s decided to follow him. She feels safe with him. They’ll marry soon.”
Challenging me wasn’t wise, but neither of us knew better. She had accepted God’s guidance, but that didn’t mean we were perfect. I had not thought deeply about dating or how to handle a challenge. A friend of ours once locked his wife outside in the snow until she agreed with him. That is not leadership. That is cruelty.
Servant leadership works only with the willing. A woman must choose to follow her husband. He must lead so that following feels safe.
She learned that I would lead gently and I learned that she would follow leadership based on love, patience, and explanation.
Protecting Her Purity
We had no idea how important purity is to Holy Matrimony, but we found out why God had her tell me how much her virginity meant to her.
My desire for her had been building since we met. She had reminded me that purity important, so I played things very cool for weeks. We knew fornication was wrong; we were saving ourselves for marriage.
My restraint confused her. She was about to commit her life to me, but she didn’t know I wanted her badly enough to stay with her forever. She said, “You’re so cold and aloof, I’m not sure you really want me!”
This second ill‑advised challenge stunned me. I was doing everything I could to keep us pure, and she didn’t know I wanted her! There are moments when explanations fall flat, when words cannot reassure a woman’s heart. I put my arms around her and kissed her, not to push boundaries, but to show her that I loved her, that I wanted her, and that my restraint came from obedience to God, not lack of desire.
We had no idea how quickly touching can awaken desires God designed to hold marriages together. Scripture warns us plainly:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
“Touch” carries the meaning of kindling, stirring, or arousing her. Having had no instruction in that area, I had crossed God’s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness. I wanted to reassure her. I did not intend to awaken anything in her, but I did.
Physical affection affects women differently from men. Some warn women not to kiss because “it might give him ideas.” That is not true. Men already have ideas. Kissing gives her ideas. When they both have the same idea at the same time, stopping becomes very difficult.
“From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws couples together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.”[110] [emphasis added]
We did not know that. We learned that a short kiss put us in danger of going further than we intended.
I realized what was happening and stepped back. I made sure the moment stayed pure. I wanted her to know two things at once:
- I desired her deeply.
- I desired to protect her purity even more deeply.
She later told me what she experienced. She said, “I felt myself losing control. I couldn’t think clearly. You could have done anything you wanted, and I couldn’t have stopped you.” That is how date rape often happens: not through violence, but through passion overwhelming judgment. The man says, “She wanted it.” She may have wanted it at the time, but wanting something sinful does not make it right. Eve wanted the fruit, and Adam failed to protect her from her desires (Gen. 2:15[111]).
We were shaken by how close we came to sin. We were never alone again until after our wedding. You need to know how hard this is:
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited. We had to talk through our disagreements. We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[112]
How can a woman follow a man or obey him when she knows he failed to protect her from his desires or from her desires? If he took her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women? If she gave herself without marriage, how can he trust her? Distrust and anger are not a good foundation for marriage. Scripture anticipated science:
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex”[113]
If a couple crosses the line, the man, as leader, must repent first. He must apologize to her, to her parents, and to God. If she enticed him, she must apologize to him and to her parents. Then, as Scripture promises,
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness I John 1:9
God can restore purity. God can restore trust. God can restore joy. God can build a strong marriage from a shaky beginning, but only if both husband and wife confess, repent, and walk in obedience.
Being Confident She’s Wanted
A woman needs to know that a potential husband wants her deeply and sincerely. If she’s drawn strongly enough to imagine building a life with him, she wants to be confident that he feels A strong commitment to her. She wants to know he treasures her wholeheartedly, not casually.
Life will test any marriage. There will be days when she’s exhausted, sick, or overwhelmed; when pregnancy is hard, the children all need everything at once, and the house feels like it’s coming apart. In those moments, she needs a husband who doesn’t disappear emotionally or physically, but one who stays close, helps, and loves her through it.
How can she know ahead of time that he’s that kind of man?
In earlier generations, everyone understood how much was at stake. Before social safety nets, a father knew that his daughter and her children could suffer or starve if her husband left. Many cultures had ways to test a man’s seriousness. Among the Fulani tribes in Nigeria, for example, a young man showed his courage and devotion by enduring a public flogging to prove he would stand firm when life became painful[114]. Scripture describes another way to make sure he cared about her:
And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. 17And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Joshua 15:16-17
Othniel wanted Achsah badly enough to risk his life in battle. Knights in the Middle Ages performed daring deeds to win a lady’s favor, a concept rooted in the chivalric code.
“To be a great knight, you ought to have consideration of civilians, for women,” Wollock says. “The greatest knights are inspired by the love of some lady out there and want to impress her and win her love by doing great deeds.”[115]
A woman still wants to know how deeply she’s wanted but challenging a man physically is neither wise nor necessary. Her family, especially her father or grandmother, can talk with him, and see whether he shows steadiness, responsibility, and genuine affection.
A truly committed man doesn’t need to be tested by hardship. His words, actions, and manner of life reveal the truth to those who look.
Why Our Purity Was Important
Looking back, we saw that preserving purity before marriage protected both of us in ways we didn’t understand at the time. My wife had grown up loving God and wanting to honor Him. She knew the Scriptures that speak of a wife’s devotion to her husband (Gen. 3:16[116]; I Cor. 11:8-9[117]), but she assumed those verses simply meant she would want to get married someday. She had always dreamed of being a wife and mother, and she thought she understood what God intended.
No one had explained how God designed marital intimacy to shape the heart. After our wedding, she was surprised by the strength of the emotional bond that formed between us. She expected to love me, but she didn’t expect the depth of connection, trust, and vulnerability that came with giving herself fully within the safety of our marriage.
Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate. Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship. She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can’t make herself separate. This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive.[118] [emphasis added]
She didn’t lose herself; she found something new. Marriage awakened a longing to be close, to be united, to share life at a level she had never experienced before. The commitment we had made and the purity we had guarded let that bond to grow without fear or regret. God used our faithfulness to create a deep sense of belonging and connection.
Purity let both of us enter marriage without comparison, without guilt, and without emotional damage. We could build trust from the very beginning. Purity let the bond God designed, the bond that grows from covenant, intimacy, and shared life, to take root in a healthy, joyful way.
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man humbles a woman, that’s part of the cost of a man in her life. A wife should choose to humble herself in marriage as Jesus humbled Himself on earth:
And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 4:8
Humbling herself by belonging to me and serving me gladly helped her children have a father, but her strong feeling of belonging to me made her feel she was falling through space. Losing her sense of independence was the scariest experience of her life. She couldn’t sleep!
Her mind wanted her to run and get back her independence, but instead of running, she went in the next room and cried out to God, “Oh, Lord, what have I done, I let this man take me, now I belong to him!”
She prayed, “God, I asked you to stop me if he wasn’t right for me, and You didn’t.” She knew God was faithful. All her days, she’d prayed that God would work on her heart to make her the wife He wanted her to be. Such a strong feeling from within her had to be God working on her heart as she’d asked Him to do. She prayed, “Lord, You must really want me to belong to him. If that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.” Having chosen to humble herself by submitting herself to me, she came back to bed.
Years later, she thanked me for not taking her before the wedding. “You gave me your grandmother’s ring,“ she said, “and you promised before God and both our families that you’d take care of me, and I was still afraid. If that had happened before you’d committed yourself to me, I’d have had to work hard to turn off that part of my feelings, and I might not have been able to turn them back on.”
I Serve God by Serving You
The next day, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being your wife.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me talk was important, so I listened. “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for God because He told me to. I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
I thought very hard about that. The next day, I said, “God wants me to lead you and take care of you. The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all. If I’m to lead you as God wants, I have to lead you by serving you. You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
Serving each other became the foundation of our marriage.
Marriage, like salvation, is an undeserved gift of God. The only way to be saved is to repent, die to your former life, and be married to Christ (Ro. 7:4[119]). A husband won’t deserve his wife’s submission, his wife won’t deserve his giving his life to nourish her; those are undeserved gifts of God. God expects married people to serve Him by serving each other.
Jesus said that husband and wife are no more two, but one flesh. That requies the same love and grace God gave in salvation (I Pe. 4:10[120]). As Christ chose to love you regardless of your sins, you and your spouse must choose to love and serve each other no matter what.
As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect; you can do this by the Grace of God. Watching her husband love her in spite of her failures increases her love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa (II Cor. 5:14a[121]). When others see a couple give God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace, and we have the privilege of laboring together with God (1 Cor. 3:9[122]) to tell people how to get God’s grace.
Salvation is about God giving – for God so loved that He gave. My wife so loves God that she let God give her to me; I so love God that I let God give me to her. Our love for each other flows from our love for Him.
Men and Women See Marriage Differently
Men and women usually enter marriage with very different expectations. A husband feels close to his wife through physical intimacy. A wife feels close to her husband through emotional openness. God designed these two powerful ways to draw couples together.
My wife learned this when she began teaching younger women. She’d say, “Your husband will desire closeness with you often, not because he’s selfish, but because that’s how he gives himself to you and how he feels connected to you.” Many young women are surprised by that, and some feel overwhelmed.
Then she adds, “And you will want your husband to open his heart to you just as often, to talk, to share, to let you in.” That surprises the men.
Both desires are strong. Both are good. And both are part of how God knits two people together.
A young woman senses instinctively that giving herself to a man creates a deep emotional bond. It’s not just physical; it’s relational and spiritual. She also senses that when a man opens his heart to her, he becomes vulnerable and connected in a way he isn’t with anyone else.
That’s why both men and women find it hard to give that level of intimacy to someone who isn’t fully theirs. A man struggles to open his heart to a woman who doesn’t belong to him. A woman struggles to give herself physically to a man who hasn’t committed himself to her.
God designed physical and emotional intimacy to flourish in the safety of a lifelong covenant. When these intimacies happen in the right order and in the right place, they draw a husband and wife together and hold the couple together in a way nothing else can.
And We Lived Happily Ever After
A wife’s role is important, but the husband has more influence on her happiness than she. Having told how God prepared us both for marriage, it’s time to explain why our marriage worked out as well as it has.
My wife chose to let God give her to me. She’d prayed for years that God would shape her heart for marriage. When she felt the connection that came after our wedding, she recognized God’s work. Once she accepted that, she told me she intended to honor God by honoring me and to serve God by serving me, just as Jesus served His Father, page 47.
I had also committed myself before God. When I stood at the altar, I vowed to give up every other woman in the world and devote myself to her alone. I expected that we would belong to each other, not because of culture or tradition, but because that is what covenant means.
Different cultures express this in different ways. In Japanese, the word “husband” literally means “lord-person,” reflecting the idea that a husband is honored for taking responsibility for the well‑being of his family. Scripture teaches something similar: a husband is called to lead with love, humility, and sacrifice, and a wife is called to honor and support him. Eph. 5:33[123]. My possessiveness is of God.
Many women honor their husbands with their lips (Mt. 15:8[124]; Mk. 7:6[125]) without honoring them with their hearts. If my wife had done that, I would have been deeply hurt and disappointed. I would also have been deeply ashamed which would have harmed my health (Pr. 12:4[126]). Very little shames a man worse than having his wife not belong to him; I know two men who had heart attacks while suffering this shame.
What Made Her Mine
As Naomi told Ruth how to get married, the wife’s mother in the Song tells her daughter how to stay married, see page 28.
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:20
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Proverbs 5:15
Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:27
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
God teaches men to praise their wives. Being praised by her husband and children makes a wife feel happy and secure. Ecclesiastes says that nothing else a man does to have fun or live a worthwhile life works:
I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. Ecclesiastes 1:14
Solomon tried it all, he found that there’s nothing a man can do to make himself happy, except marriage:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
When my wife chose to let God give her to me, her happiness became mine. Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[127]; 21:9[128], 19[129]; 25:24[130]; 27:15[131]), but when she was happy, life was good. When she delighted in giving herself to me, I got a taste of the joys of Heaven I’d expected when she told me God made her to be a treasure. I work at learning how to rejoice with her.
Comforting me calms her. I took her with me to Europe to present a seminar. We stayed in the hotel for a few days afterward and were gone for a week. When we got back, our son asked, “What did you do to mom? She’s so calm and happy and content!”
She enjoyed the extra talk, but being reminded how God had made her so alluring to me and being reminded of the intensity of my desire for her helped. Page 162 explains how God made the chemicals of comforting me calm her, fight depression, and improve her mood.
My teaching our children to honor her also helped. Kids are born selfish; they must learn an attitude of gratitude.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat “The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity (1 Timothy 5:2).” Girls must be taught to insist that men deal with them in purity as God commands or they will be tempted to fall into sin.
What Made Me Hers
Scripture commands husbands to live with their wives “according to knowledge” (I Pe. 3:7[132]). I knew from listening to other men that many husbands are frustrated with traits that are common among women. My wife had heard from her friends: “He may love you now, but once you’re married, he won’t like you anymore.” They listed the same traits my college roommates complained about.
I knew that God is good. I’d written “For God so loved me that He gave me you.” She said she was a gift from God, the Bible said it (Pr. 18:22[133]), and God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11[134]; Jas. 1:17[135]). Men who dislike characteristics which God made common to women are wrong. They aren’t defects; God made women on purpose to bless men.
I told my wife that anything true of most women was meant to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had chosen to give her to me. If I couldn’t understand how or why something about her blessed me, it was my problem, not God’s, and we’d figure it out.
To build a strong bridge, I must understand concrete and steel; to build a strong marriage, I had to understand her nature and explain mine.
Once she understood my plan to explore the mind of God with her, she was happy to look into her heart to explain it to me. God expects a husband to dwell with his wife according to knowledge. My working to learn how she blessed me made her happy and helped me obey God.
I also wanted to know how she was like other women and what was unique to her. When she’d say, “My friends feel that way,” I’d conclude most women were like that. Sometimes it was, “I don’t know anyone like that,” for things unique to her.
This was another area where my engineering mind helped me obey God. God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4[136]). “Sanctification” means “set apart,” God expected me to know how she was like other women and how she was God’s special unique gift set apart just for me.
The husband in the Song praises his wife in detail. He looks for little details about her to set her apart. She’s “but one,” (6:9) he sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women. She delights in belonging to him (2:16[137], 6:3[138]) and in 7:10, “his desire is toward me.” She enjoys seeing how much he desires her. 8:2-3[139]. She shows that she likes belonging to him as my wife likes belonging to me.
All this talk about her emotions, skills, feelings, and other thoughts opened my heart to her quite often. That made me belong to her. This was as frightening to me as opening herself to me had been for her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me. God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him. It has to go both ways.
It’s not enough for a man to have a woman belong to him. Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3). They were his property and had to obey him. This sounds like a man’s dream, but how did it work out?
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon owned a thousand women, yet his soul was empty. Why? Because a woman cannot enjoy belonging to a man who refuses to belong to her. Instead of one joyful wife, he had 1,000 unhappy women sharing his palace. No wonder his soul was empty.
This was Solomon’s failure. Belonging to a wife requires opening your heart to her. So much talk takes so much time that a man can’t belong to more than one woman (Ex. 21:10[140]). Remember, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs. If all he sees is her face and figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.”
My wife strives to make her words give life to me. This makes me feel safe in loving her, page 37. I feel safe opening my heart without fear that she’ll hurt me. My feeling of safety keeps me belonging to her.
I opened myself to her because I’d promised and because I wanted to learn how God designed her to bless me. It took 20 years, but we can explain how what my dorm mates disliked about women bless men.
A woman can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her. Her happiness is greatest when he likes belonging to her and caring for her. Opening his heart to her teaches him ways to make her happy if he pays attention. It also teaches her how to please him. The happier a man makes his wife, the happier he will be.
This man is so glad to come be with his wife that he’s skipping:
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
He’s rushing home where he wants to be. Is he rushing home eagerly to admire the curtains? Or for some other reason?
A Wife Becomes What Her Husband Builds Through Love
A husband must protect his wife from danger if needed, but most of the time God asks him to give his life in smaller daily ways by nourishing her, cherishing her, and serving her with steady love. Providing for her, caring for her, and putting her needs ahead of his own are part of offering his life to God as a living sacrifice (Mk. 9:35[141], 10:44[142] Rom. 12:1[143]).
God expects a man to love his wife as Christ loves His church:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
Jesus presents us to Himself a “glorious church” in verse 27. Every man longs to present to himself a “glorious wife,” and there’s a simple way to do it – convince her that you see her as a glorious wife.
There’s a story about Johnny Lingo[144] who paid 8 cows for his wife when the going price was 3 or 4. People thought he was foolish because he might have gotten her for 1 or 2, but Johnny said, “Every wife knows what her husband paid. I wanted an 8-cow wife.”
Remember the 3 rules for marriage: God is good, only praise, and treat each other as perfect. A wife is what your love makes of her. Johnny Lingo didn’t “overpay” for his wife, he loved her in a way that showed her worth to her. A husband does the same when he cherishes his wife with the love of Christ, a love that lifts, strengthens, and transforms.
The Simplicity of God’s Marriage Rules
Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is “only praise.” As God calls us to praise Him so our hearts stay full of gratitude, He calls husbands and wives to praise each other so their hearts stay full of love. Praise keeps us focused on the good, not on what is wrong. It keeps us grateful instead of resentful. It keeps our hearts soft.
God expects bride and groom to marry with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God and with each other. Think of your spouse as perfect. Talk of your spouse as perfect. Your words work back into your heart and you will treat your spouse as perfect.
Lost people agree that “only praise” leads to a joyful marriage, but say that people can’t live that way. The fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self‑control that come from salvation (Gal. 5:22-23[145]) help. The Bible-based guidance for avoiding conflict in marriage on page 75 gives a way to handle problems and hurts without saying anything negative to each other at all.
Ch. 8 - Handling Conflict in Marriage
Many say that “only praise” would work, but don’t believe it’s possible. That’s why this book includes three chapters on avoiding conflict. The first and most important step is simple: The best way to avoid conflict is to have an “attitude of gratitude” to God for creating marriage and to your spouse for being with you. If you have trouble avoiding anger, form a habit of writing down three things you appreciate about your marriage each and every day. Thoughts of gratitude help avoid anger.
Conflicts is costly in any social group. Scholars have spent years studying conflict and ways to avoid it. At least 80% of these studies are wrong because other researchers don’t get the same answers. How do you tell a good study from a bad one?
To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them. Isaiah 8:20
Biblical principles give us the answer. When research agrees with Scripture, we can trust it. One study of conflict agreed with the Bible so we can learn from the research.
The conflict study had a section on call centers. Nobody calls when they’re happy; every caller is upset. That section was full of “If they say this, you could say that.” The Bible says:
A froward man soweth strife Proverbs 16:28 – most callers are forward for one reason or another
Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom. Proverbs 13:10
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1
The call center section was a list of soft answers to give to callers who were froward in various ways. I don’t want to be forward when I call; I generally say, “Your computer is being mean to me, can you help me figure out why?” Call center employees are frustrated by the computer all day every day; this puts me and the call center person on the same side, trying to reason with an unreasonable computer together. It lowers tension because it follows the biblical pattern: gentleness, humility, soft answers, and shared purpose.
Disagreement Should Never Lead to Conflict
There will be always disagreements in any marriage; there are always disagreements whenever two or more people try to do anything together. Disagreements may be even more common in marriage because men and women think so differently. God commands husbands not to be bitter when wives do something they can’t understand at all:
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
Similarly, women say it’s hard to understand what a man had in mind no matter how carefully he tries to explain.
Disagreement is inevitable; conflict is not. Disagreement becomes conflict when we bring emotions and feelings into the discussion. When irritation, pride, fear, or hurt enter the conversation, discussion shifts from solving shared problems into a personal battle to win. This chapter discusses ways to keep disagreement from turning into conflict so you can stay allies in solving problems instead of becoming opponents.
He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he. Proverbs 16:20
Logic and Emotion
God gave us the ability to think and act with our emotions, that is, from our hearts. We can also think and act logically, that is, from our minds.
God gave us emotional desires to form couples so we’d be fruitful and multiply. There’s no logical reason for a man to dedicate his life to supporting his wife and children. There’s no logical reason for a woman to dedicate her life to taking care of her husband and family. The strangest thing about babies is that having had one, and learning how much work they are, a woman wants another, and more after that. It’s not logic; it’s the heart God gave her.
Our emotions, that is, what we do from the heart, show what we are:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
The Bible commands five times that we “love the LORD thy God with all thine heart,…” (De. 6:5[146], 30:6[147], Mt. 22:37[148], Mk. 12:30[149], Lk. 10:27[150]). Our hearts are so important to God that although these passages list mind, soul, and strength in various ways, heart always comes first. If God has our hearts, the rest follows.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
We must keep, or guard, our hearts because our heartfelt emotions drive our lives. Keep your heart by giving it to God and keep it perfect with God as David did. Having his heart perfect with God didn’t mean David didn’t sin just as keeping your heart perfect with your spouse doesn’t mean you won’t sin. David never valued anything more than he valued God. Keeping your heart perfect in marriage means you won’t pursue anyone else or value anyone else as you value your spouse.
The emotions that bind men and women together are powerful enough to hold families together through many trials. God expects us to rule these powerful emotions with our logical minds:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Ruling your spirit can stop conflict before it starts by holding your emotions in check and speaking calmly and logically.
Emotion drives Conflict
Disagreement turns to conflict when your emotions get involved. Conflict in marriage can be very damaging because the emotions in marriage are so powerful. You can discuss issues without slipping into conflict if you stay logical and factual by discussing your feelings calmly and logically.
The Bible teaches married people to give up their wants in favor of the other:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
If you don’t care about your spouse’s concerns, your spouse will feel you don’t care about him or her. That’s easy to say, but it can be hard to figure out how to do it, particularly when your emotions are stirred. There are three Biblical principles that can defuse just about any conflict:
1) The other person didn’t mean to make you angry. That wasn’t the goal; your anger was an accident.
2) The conflict is all about you; it has nothing to do with the other person. Conflict comes from how you react to what happened.
3) When you talk about your anger or your upset, never say, “you,” always say “I.” “You” is an accusation. “I” avoids that.
Making You Angry is Usually an Accident
The Bible promises that married people want to make each other happy; they don’t want to create anger:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34
Men know very little about women, but they all know that an angry woman is a hardship (Proverbs 21:9[151], 19:13[152], 21:19[153], 25:24[154], 27:15[155]). Angry co-workers make everyone miserable. Adults hardly ever try to make each other angry on purpose, but we’re all creatures of the flesh. We get careless, tired, frustrated, irritated, thoughtless, or selfish. It’s easy to do something that makes someone else angry without even thinking about it. As discussed on page 37, the Bible says:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. Colossians 3:13
“Forbearing one another” is another way to say “assume good faith.” Hurting you or angering you was not the plan.
The conflict is about you, not the other person!
The other person probably has no idea that you’re upset or angry. Irritating you wasn’t the plan; it was an unfortunate, unintended result of seeking some other goal. Your emotions can be aroused by your pride:
He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat. Proverbs 28:25
Whomever irritated you will almost always be astounded when you bring it up. The other person may have forgotten about it. If it’s not forgotten, you’ll have different memories of what happened. This isn’t because the other person is lying. Assuming that the hurt wasn’t intended, they’ll see it differently from you because you were hurt. In fact, it’s rare for two people to have the same memory of any event.
Suppose something made you really angry. You can’t let it go. You must talk about it, but keep your emotions and your anger out of the discussion of your anger. You can have a calm discussion of something that made you very angry, but it takes self-control. The Bible commands:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. Matthew 18:15
“Trespass,” means anything that irritates you. Research says that the best path when someone offends you is to go and talk about it calmly no matter how minor it seems. The Bible agrees; “trespass” means anything offensive. The sooner you do this the better.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26
There are several reasons to handle irritations right away:
1) The person who offended you may not know you were offended; they’ll forget all about it unless you bring it up soon.
2) The longer you wait, the more you’ll play it over in your mind. The more you think about it, the more upset you’ll get.
3) The more you play it over in your mind, the more your memory of the event changes.
Avoiding anger can be especially difficult for a woman when the hormones of pregnancy or monthly cycle make her more sensitive. Men must be very kind and loving when hormones affect her brain.
Never say, “you,” always say “I” when angry
Angry spouses often hurl accusations at each other. A wife may say, “You don’t love me,” a man may tell his wife, “You never do anything right.” Words said in anger or in pain make the situation worse:
A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife. Proverbs 15:18
Speak about your own feelings. Either party can say, “I felt unloved when that happened.” That’s a true statement. It’s like your salvation testimony, nobody can argue with it. Your spouse may remember it differently, however. There is never only one version of the past; there are at least two memories of what happened, sometimes more.
Don’t argue about memory. Let go of, “You did that.” – “No, I didn’t.” Assume good faith – your spouse probably isn’t lying when his or her memory differs from yours. Even if you don’t agree on what happened, you can focus on the emotions and try to figure out how to keep what angered you from angering you again.
It’s important not to accuse the other party. If a woman tells her husband he doesn’t love her, he’ll disagree because of all the things he does because he loves her. If he decides he can’t please her, he may stop trying. If a husband criticizes his wife’s efforts to please him, she may become discouraged and give up.
Don’t say, “When you did that...” Keeping it impersonal by saying “when that happened” puts you and your spouse on the same side. As partners, you can work together to figure out how to solve the problem. Accusations put you and your spouse on opposite sides. Hurling emotion back and forth makes it worse:
Surely the churning of milk bringeth forth butter, and the wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood: so the forcing of wrath bringeth forth strife. Proverbs 30:33
It’s best to list good things when mentioning any upset. A man can say, “What we just did didn’t work out as well as yesterday, and I liked what you did this morning.” A wife can say, “In my heart, what happened today made me feel unloved even though I know you love me. You come home, you work to support us, you praise the food, you play with the kids.” The Bible usually puts the negative first and ends with the positive – “the fool . . . but the wise . . .” A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Here’s how to minimize conflict:
1) It’s generally an accident; adults very seldom try to make each other angry on purpose.[156]
2) The hurt and anger are all about you, the other person may have no clue that you’re upset and may not understand why.
3) Never say “you.” Say “I” to focus on your feelings. Talk about how you felt, not who did what. Facts don’t matter, only feelings.
4) Listen to the other party, particularly if emotion is leaking in. It takes effort for men to understand what a woman is talking about and vice versa, but if you don’t listen respectfully and carefully for as long as it takes to understand, how can you fix the problem?
5) Have
an agreement in place that if someone needs a “time out” to keep from saying
hurtful things, whoever leaves must return within 24 hours. Knowing that
the other party will come back makes the situation far less worrisome for both
parties. This shouldn’t happen, but leaving for a while can be better than
saying hurtful things which you can’t take back or erase. Omar Khayyam wrote:
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor
Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel Half a Line, Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of
it.”
6) One of you must help the other in time of trouble (Ecc. 4:9-12[157]). You can’t both be swamped at the same time. If a wife’s stressed because company’s coming, her husband must help her, and he can’t rest until she recovers. If he’s overwhelmed, she must help him even if she’d like to let go.
This is easy to say, but it can be hard to do. The rest of this chapter explores applications.
What You Believe Determines What You Do
Believing that God is good and marriage is good is key to your happiness in marriage. Psalm 107 says four times, “Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!” The psalmist saw that people don’t really believe that God is good. If they thought God was good, they’d obey Him so He could bless them.
Marriage is one of God’s wonderful works. It’s too wonderful to be put into words:
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19
Nobody marries to make the other person unhappy. The bride expects that the groom will be happy with her, and the groom expects that his bride will be happy with him (I Corinthians 7:32-34).
God loved all of us enough to send His Son to die so that our sins could be forgiven and we’d have everlasting life (John 3:16). God invented salvation out of love for us. God also invented marriage. If He loved us enough to send His Son to die for us so that we could have joy in the next life if we pursue salvation according to His instructions, don’t you think He loved us enough to create marriage so that we could be joyous in this life if we take up marriage according to His instructions?
I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10b
Jesus wants our lives to be abundant! The bride and groom want marriage to overflow with joy. God is party to marriage vows (Malachi 2:14[158]), He wants it to be so good that it shines a light to the lost.
Marriage hasn’t worked out well for many Christians. Given that all parties wanted it to be good, when a marriage isn’t good, it’s a sign that something went wrong and something must change. Continuing with whatever you’re doing and expecting better results is one of the definitions of insanity.
Many Christians say, “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him,” but few act as if they believe God is good. The Bible teaches husband and wife to belong to each other; most Christians would rather keep emotional and physical independence. The Bible teaches that a husband should lead his wife by serving her; many husbands prefer to command.
The Bible teaches that a wife should obey her husband; most wives would rather do what her husband would have told her to do if he had understood the situation as she did. Doing salvation our way takes us to Hell; doing marriage our way can make life Hell on earth.
God commands us to praise Him because praising Him reminds us of what He’s given us and makes us less likely to be unhappy about what we don’t have. Scientists recommend praise between husband and wife:
“Expressing appreciation to your partner, noticing the things you love about them and telling them that you love those things about them,” said Ms. Joel, “just has wondrous effects. They feel appreciated, and then in turn they feel better, and just expressing the gratitude makes you feel better, and then they want to reciprocate the gratitude, so then they appreciate you more which makes you feel better.”[159]
A study in Emotion found that completing an act of compassion for a spouse–like clearing snow off the spouse’s windshield in the morning–improves the giver’s emotional well-being, even when the spouse doesn’t acknowledge it. Under these circumstances, the giver may get up to 45% more emotional benefit than the recipient.[160]
Wives appreciate husbands putting toilet seats down, and there are countless ways to show love and appreciation. My wife’s hairbrush collects hair. It takes 30 seconds to pull the hair out with a comb. That doesn’t save her much effort, but it warms her heart to be reminded that I’m noticing little things that affect her.
Relating to God and His Word
Following the Bible helps handle conflict. God is His Word (John 1:1). Your view of God shows in how you handle His word. Suppose a wife tells her husband over and over that she likes vanilla ice cream, but he always brings home chocolate. She won’t believe anything he says about loving her or caring for her because he won’t “dwell according to knowledge (I Pe. 3:7).” Jesus asked, “And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say (Luke 6:46)?” Can someone who ignores what the Bible teaches really love God?
The simplest solution to marriage problems requires that you believe that God is good so you can follow His plan for marriage. God knew what men wanted when He made women. God also knew what men needed. Men who refuse to see how women meet their needs, as opposed to their wants, often feel that God made women incorrectly. Their complaints make their wives unhappy, which makes everyone unhappy.
Marriage is a gift from God; you don’t deserve it. A woman doesn’t deserve her husband dedicating his life to taking care of her and leading her by serving her, that’s a gift from God who made men and from him as he chooses to spend his life nourishing her and cherishing her. A man isn’t worthy of his wife’s submission, that’s a gift from God who made her and from her when she chose to obey God and belong to her husband.
Marriage prospers if you have an “attitude of gratitude” to God for His gift of marriage and serve your spouse in gratitude to your spouse for being yours. If you think God or your spouse owes you, it won’t work no matter how many books you read or how many counselors you see.
The only way two people can be “no more twain but one flesh (Mk. 10:8)” as Jesus expects is for both to die to their former lives and be re-born into a one-flesh married unit. God expects husband and wife to serve each other. When you gladly serve your spouse, you aren’t just serving your spouse, you’re also serving God.
We’ve discussed Bible-based ways to keep disagreements which are inevitable in any marriage from escalating to conflict. The next chapter discusses common sources of conflict in marriages.
Ch. 9 – More Sources of Conflict
The main sources of conflict in marriage are personality, in-laws, children, sex, communication, and money.
Personality
People whose lives are merged closely with someone else can become irritated by personality traits. Some characteristics are related to gender. Men do things that annoy women just by being men. Talking to other women showed my wife that many men annoy their wives by doing the same things I do that annoy her.
Older women must teach younger women about men (Titus 2:3-5). After she’d taught a group that a man plans to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed (Gen. 29:21), a woman told her, “If I’d known that, I’d have stayed with my 1st husband. My 2nd did the same thing.” We must all cling to Jesus’ words:
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22
Some say that in saying 490 times, Jesus commanded unlimited forgiveness. I agree. I’ve been married longer than 490 months. If I annoyed my wife only once per month, she wouldn’t have to forgive any more if she’d counted. I suspect I annoy her more often than that, so I’m glad she decided to laugh about it and appreciate the ways men differ from women instead of being angry.
Other habits have nothing to do with man or woman. My wife’s a neatnick; she believes there’s a place for everything and everything must be in its place. God arranged that opposites attract so we’d bring forth after our kind. If tall people married tall and short people married short, there’d be two kinds instead of one.
It should be no surprise that I’m a trashnik, the opposite of a neatnick. My wife cleans off a table; when I come in carrying something, I tend to put it in the first open space. It frustrates her that her efforts to be neat and put everything away are frustrated. To her, I’m a clutterbug. She saves old clothes, so she’s a pack rat.
Let’s use “innie” and “outie.” An innie wants everything put away; an outie wants things out in the open where they’re easy to find.
Our 16 month old son visited grandma’s house. He pointed to a 2 inch piece of string on her rug and said “Broom, broom.” When grandma asked what he wanted, he crawled to the closet and patted the vacuum cleaner. He wanted her to clean up this intolerable messiness. His personality and his mother’s innie training made him even innier than she. His extreme outie wife has had to work hard to learn his innie ways.
An innie woman married to an outie is frustrated because she can’t keep her house as neat as she’d like. I know my wife’s distress, but it’s hard for me to avoid messing up. I have to work at being better at that. It’s probably harder for an outie wife married to an innie husband. It’s hard for an innie to understand just how difficult it is for an outie to act like an innie. My son’s wife can clean like a white tornado when she has to; she can put everything away very fast. Over the years she’s learned her husband’s ways, but it was a hard slog.
When she visits, she tends to think that my wife is rebellious because my wife’s house is not as neat as her husband expects of her. She doesn’t realize that my wife’s husband isn’t an innie like her husband.
Couples draw closer to each other over time. I Cor. 14:40 commands “Let all things be done decently and in order,” so the outie should probably move further toward the innie than vice versa. We have to consider our testimony; even lost people know that “cleanliness is next to Godliness.” I have a ways to go.
On the other hand, “control freak” describes innies who overdo it.
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Philippians 4:5
Some people like to plan everything out way in advance; others prefer to just do whatever comes up. To some, “Yes” is a 100% commitment, to others, “Yes” means “Maybe” or “If possible.”
If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18
Living peaceably with your spouse is worth a great deal of work, time, effort, thought, and prayer.
In-Laws
Your in-laws are your spouse's parents. Very few parents want their children to be unhappy. No matter what they think of you, your in-laws know that if they make you unhappy, their child who’s joined to you will be unhappy. When your in-laws make you unhappy, it’s generally an accident because they don’t want their child miserable. Most in-law troubles come from lack of communication and lack of understanding.
In the old days, young people married from the same town. We travel further these days and many people marry without a lot of common cultural background. That can make in-law communication difficult, particularly if your in-laws and your spouse have different cultures which can lead to misunderstandings.
Years ago, I worked with a young engineer named Joe Dziezanowski and an office assistant named Nancy Smith. In the course of time, Joe and Nancy married, so she goes through life spelling her new name, Dzie… and so on. They decided to visit his grandparents in Poland, so she called the embassy to ask them to mail a visa application. She hears the usual, “Spell it, please,” so she starts “Dziez.” “Lady,” the man says, “I’m Polish. Dziezanowski I can spell. What I can’t spell is ‘Nancy’.”
I have a friend whose wife’s parents fled Iran just before the Shah fell. She grew up in America and has a light complexion. You’d think she’s an all-American girl with a tan. Her parents never adapted to America, however, so their cultural conflicts get pretty tangled. My friend and his wife share a common American culture; her Iranian parents confuse her as much as his in-laws confuse him.
Cultural confusion can be long-lasting and hard to resolve. My wife and I painted one of our bathrooms. I was at my in-laws that weekend and told them we’d painted it green.
Next time she visited, my mother-in-law said, “You painted the bathroom again.” My wife said, “No, we painted it once.” Mother-in-law said, “Your husband said you painted it green, but it’s blue.” She looked at me funny. I told her, “I'm not colorblind; I just get the names mixed up.” She looked at me funnier.
When I asked my wife what happened, she said my mother-in-law thought I was mentally defective.
Several years later, my wife took Japanese lessons because we planned to visit the town in Japan where I’d grown up. After an early lesson, she said, “I understand blue and green!” Japanese have a word for the color of grass and they use the same word for the color of the sky. I grew up using one word for both colors. It never occurred to me that getting the English words mixed up was strange – my Japanese friends did it all the time, and Kentucky blue grass looks green to me.
My wife’s mother accepted this, sort of, but didn't really believe it until she visited Japan and asked.
That’s the sort of disconnect you get with cross-culture in-laws. My mother-in-law knew that her daughter had married me for better or worse and she didn’t rag about her mentally-deficient son-in-law. Had she done so, life would have been difficult unless she noticed how badly her daughter was suffering and stopped.
We solved this problem because my wife remembered the issue for years and saw the solution when it came. Here’s another culture-clash. My mother was teaching child development at a Japanese college. She spoke of “The first trimester … the second trimester…” A student asked, “What’s a trimester?” Mom said, “Its 1/3 of a pregnancy. Pregnancy is 9 months; a trimester is 1/3 of the pregnancy, so a trimester is 3 months.”
Ever been teaching and realize that something you said totally, utterly lost the entire class? Mom had no clue what she’d said, but there was total disconnect, all the lights went out at once. Finally, a student said, “But Taylor sensei, pregnancy takes 10 months in Japan. We’ve been having babies a long time and we know.”
From her youth up, my mother had been told about 9 month pregnancies, and she’d had 3. However, all the students lit back up, the lights came back on, so she had to roll with ten-month pregnancies.
She drew 11 vertical lines for 10 months of pregnancy. Class-wide nods. She turned the chalk sideways and drew two fat lines at 3 1/3 months and 6 2/3 months. “Americans divide pregnancy into thirds. This is the first trimester, this is the second, …” as the class learned about another crazy round-eye custom.
Japanese pregnancies do take 10 months. Why? On average, pregnancy takes 280 days. 280 divided by 9 is 31, so pregnancy is 9 31-day western months. The Japanese word for “month” uses the character for “moon.” 280 days divided by a 28-day lunar month is 10. What happens when a Japanese wife who’s English isn’t all that great becomes pregnant in the US and asks a 9-month obstetrician when she’s due?
Suppose an American college student goes to Japan and marries a Japanese girl. His Japanese isn’t wonderful and her English is incomplete. Who’s going to tell his parents when they fly over for the wedding that in Japan, the groom’s family is responsible for organizing and paying for the wedding? And that the custom is for each family to send one person to the reception, but that person must bring home enough food so that everyone in their family gets a taste? Assuming they get through that, what happens when she’s expecting and tells her American mother-in-law, “I’m in my 10th month!” Her 9-month in-law will freak.
My brother knew a well-educated Japanese lady whose niece was marrying an American. “I don’t know if they can have children,” she mourned. “American pregnancies take only 9 months, we take 10. Their body temperature is 98(F), and we’re 37(C). How can they have babies?” Well, they can! For in-law issues:
1) They don’t want to make you unhappy if only for the sake of their own child’s happiness.
2) Subtle cultural issues can take years to figure out. Pay close attention at all times!
3) You don’t just marry your spouse, you marry the whole family. If you think ill of each other, so be it, but shut up about it. Unhappy in-laws will make your spouse unhappy. That will make you unhappy.
4) There may be severe doctrinal differences between you and your in-laws. In those cases, cling to the Lord and remember that they, too, need Christ.
Our society has far too many sub-cultures to list them all. For example, people who work in Internet marketing use the term “blast” to mean sending out email or text messages to prospective customers. One of my friends received an email that referred to “blasting.” Not knowing how techies used the term, she thought she was being criticized. Instead of blasting back, however, she asked and learned what the writer meant.
In-laws should remember, God expects each couple to establish a separate household.
And [Jesus] said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Matthew 19:5
Our society has no “rite of passage,” a ceremony that indicates that a child is now an adult. Parents often have trouble realizing that children have grown up and must make their own way. My wife’s mother was secretary of a 1,000 member church. If we’d married there, we’d have had to invite the whole congregation and my relatives would have been lost in the mob. We had a small wedding in the church where we met.
Her pastor was hurt, but I explained that I had had to prove to one and to all that she was now mine. He understood, and forgave me. We didn’t drive 45 minutes to spend our first Christmas with my in-laws. I had to prove to them and to my wife that she now belonged to me; we came for New Years instead.
However, we had had Thanksgiving dinner with them. My mother-in-law always cooked to exhaustion – if she had any energy left, she’d bake another pie. After dinner, I stripped the meat off the turkey and got the bones ready for soup. She decided I had some value, which made missing us at Christmas less painful.
Mother-in-law jokes refer to the husband’s mother-in-law because men forget the saying, “If you would the maiden win, with her mother first begin.” Women differ greatly, but a wife and her mother differ less than most women. Learn to praise and appreciate a wife’s mother, if only to learn how to praise your wife.
Maintaining solid relationships with in-laws gives your children the blessing of grandparents. Your in-laws raised your spouse. Your children will be like your spouse and may do some of the same things your spouse did during childhood. Grandparents really have seen it all before. You don’t have to rediscover all the lessons of parenthood for yourself if you draw on the wisdom, knowledge, and scars of your in-laws.
The best way to deal with in-laws is to show them and your spouse over and over how much you love, appreciate, cherish, and nourish their child. My mother-in-law could see how much I loved her daughter. That made it easier for her to accept her mentally-defective son-in-law who couldn’t tell blue from green.
It’s stupid to recycle old mistakes your in-laws could have told you about. Communicate! Never assume hostility where none is meant. Your anger is about you, not about the other person.[161]
Children
Malachi 2:15 explains why God brings men and women together into “one flesh.” “And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed.” God gets servants by having the servants He has have children. Children can cause great stress, which is one reason He made the bonds between men and women so strong.
When my wife taught school, a hardware merchant loved helping her buy things for her classroom. When she told him she planned to marry, he said, “May all your problems be children.” What did he mean?
Lots of kids become picky eaters which can bring great frustration. This attitude is forbidden by God:
Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving: For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer. I Timothy 4:3-5
If you’ve thanked the Lord for the food, it’s sanctified to God, and is not to be refused or criticized. We had a system. The child didn’t have to clean the plate in case we gave too much, but the plate went in the refrigerator and came out at the next meal. And the next meal, and the meal after that in stubborn cases.
At four, my son decided a few days before Christmas that he absolutely, positively would not eat his last spoonful of Spanish rice. He’d eaten the rest, but the last bite was anathema. We put it away, and brought it out, and put it away, and brought it out again for four days.
Finally, my wife took our other son and drove off to grandma’s for Christmas. The holdout realized that I meant what I said, if he didn’t yield, he and I would miss Christmas. He ate the last spoonful.
Why was my son so stubborn? He liked Spanish rice. Where did he get the strength of character to hold out for four days?
Ever hear of DNA? Ever hear of heredity? The Bible says, As is the mother, so is her daughter (Eze. 16:44[162]) and that Adam bore a son in his own likeness (Gen. 5:3[163]).
I knew the passage about mothers and daughters. When I met my future in-laws, I took a good look at her mother. My future wife had her mother’s DNA and most of what she knew about being a wife had been taught by her mother. Her mother was a truly gracious lady and her father was happy. I decided that if my wife acted the same way at that age, I’d be just fine. Her mother appreciated me when I told her that.
My father said children were perfect mirrors, showing all their parents’ faults. Children show us the things we did wrong when we were children, and what’s worse, they show us things we still do wrong. It’s humbling to admit to your child that you blew it and that you’re trying to change. Kids don’t expect perfect parents; I’ve never lost points with my children by confessing mistakes. Humbling yourself before a child is no fun at all, but covering mistakes ends up being worse.
Having children fling your sins in your face is painful. It’s worse when your child marries and your child’s spouse realizes that you have the same problem. Heredity makes problems with children more intense.
We had no complaints about food for years after the Spanish rice episode. One evening, a son said, “I don’t like this.” I swept it off his plate and divided it among the 4 of us. “What’ll I eat?” he asked. “Nothing. You didn’t want it; that’s all there is.” “May I leave?” “No, this is dinner time. Stay here.” That ended that.
When my sons got to college, they were astounded at how few of their classmates would eat college food. Picky kids had grown up to be picky college students. I wonder what they eat now.
To be fair, parents have to set an example of eating with thanks. My mom served carrots at a meal when I was about to go off to college. Dad looked at her and said, “Do I have to keep eating these any longer?”
Mom smiled and said no. We were bewildered. Dad had hated carrots from his youth, but he and mom sincerely believed that all things are to be eaten with thanks. He’d set an example by eating carrots for decades. My brothers and I divided up his carrots; they weren’t wasted.
My wife’s parents didn’t like Brussels sprouts. They had them often and their kids never knew. Both our families found that giving thanks for all foods was powerful testimony to people from other cultures.
Your examples speak so loudly that your kids can’t hear a thing you say. What’s worse, your children are you! You’re re-living your failures. You know they’ll hit the wall, and you can’t stop it. All you can do is pray and, knowing the terror of the lord (II Cor. 5:11a[164]), try to persuade.
Other child-related conflicts feed on lack of communication. Unlike in-laws who seldom deliberately stir up conflict between you, children look for areas where you disagree. The child wants to get out of a chore or wants to do something one or both parents might not approve.
Things change visibly when a child accepts salvation and then change again when he or she decides to belong to the Lord as a teenager, but an unsaved child’s heart doesn’t belong to God. Your self-centered child’s full time job is figuring out how to manipulate you to get what the child wants. When asking permission, a manipulative child goes to the parent the child believes is most likely to say “Yes.”
A simple way to deal with this is to decree that a child must get “Yes” from both parents and that either parent may say “No” without knowing why. It took us several years to figure this out, but it helped a lot.
We found that neither of us ever had all the information. Somehow, either by accident or by design, the child seeking “Yes” often left out important details. The answer usually became obvious if we took the time to pool everything either of us knew, called other parents, and pried more details out of the child.
Years later, we overheard one of our sons say to a friend, “Mom won't let me do that.” His friend asked, “Have you asked your dad.” Our son said, “He’ll ask what mom said. If I haven't asked her, he’ll talk to her about it. If she said ‘No,’ he’ll ask, ‘Then why are you asking me?’ and I’ll be in trouble.”
We tried to let our sons do as many new things as we could, but they had to convince both of us.
We learned the value of vague feelings when a friend’s daughter came back from college with a boyfriend. He was a successful businessman who was good at hiring and at pleasing customers. He couldn’t explain why, but he did not like this young man. He told his daughter, “I’d never hire him; you may not marry him.”
His wife had planned the wedding in her mind and was looking forward to grandchildren. His daughter hadn’t kept her heart. She was convinced that she was in love and her sister sympathized. My friend had not one, not two, but three contentious women dwelling with him.
It's easy to tell when a wife is unhappy with her husband – it shows in her body language, her walk, and in her tone of voice. A couple of weeks later there was a sudden change; the three women were content. They had learned something about the young man that made them agree that they didn’t want him in their family. The father had been right, even though he couldn’t say what bothered him.
Pleasing Her Husband
A wife generally has a strong desire to please her husband. She needs to know that he still loves and values her, and she needs to hear this many times per day. I was in a meeting and my friend’s wife telephoned from the bank to ask a question. They talked for 2 minutes, and we resumed. A half-hour later, she called from the post office for another 2 minutes. “Why does she keep checking with me?” he asked.
“Because she wants you to be pleased with what she does. That is a gift from God to men. You need to tell her how much you appreciate her checking to make sure things happen the way you want them.”
While working from home for years, I developed fierce powers of concentration to do my job. My wife would ask, “Why did you let child A violate rule B?” not realizing that I hadn’t known child A was in the room.
No matter how hard I was thinking, however, I had to let her interrupt when she needed attention, if only to remind her that she was more important than my work. She learned to wait while I hit the “save” key, then I was hers. Sometimes she had a question, sometimes she just wanted a smile, but she needed it badly.
Suppose your wife is in a bad auto accident. The surgeons put her back together, but she needs regular doses of painkillers so her muscles can relax enough to heal. No matter how busy you are, wouldn’t you set an alarm clock to be sure to give her pills on schedule to meet her physical needs and heal her pain?
A wife needs regular doses of attention and appreciation, that’s what “your desire” means. You have to let her set the dose of attention and appreciation to meet her emotional needs and not cause her pain. To be one as Jesus expects, you have to die to yourself in favor of her and the family. It’s no longer “you,” it’s “us.”
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
My wife manages many details of guiding our home and children, I’m glad I don’t have to. I concentrate on the Big Picture, but when something matters to my wife, it had better matter to me. If I don’t care about what matters to her, if I don’t look on her things, she thinks she doesn’t matter to me, and vice versa.
Reporting and Rapport
Men use “report talk” to say what happened. Women use “rapport talk” to build relationships.[165] Women bond to each other by sharing stories. Men bond by sharing experiences. Women have a deep need to talk; “strong, silent type” describes men who don’t talk much. Here’s example of relational woman talk:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream. He should have relied on her feelings. On the other hand, a wife must let her husband punish their children when necessary no matter how she feels:
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14
We never heard what was wrong with the boyfriend, but we’ve seen bad marriages give a taste of the punishments of Hell. Our friend’s daughter probably saved herself from Hell on earth by obeying her dad.
A man can’t protect his family without either cooperation or incarceration. If our friend’s daughter hadn’t cooperated with her father, if she’d run off with this guy, he couldn’t have protected her. Juliet’s father tried to keep her away from Romeo and appointed the family nurse to keep her at home. Juliet fooled the nurse, snuck off, and got together with Romeo. It didn’t turn out well – they both ended up dead.
Peter Pan told Wendy to stay in the clearing. Captain Hook kidnapped her when she disobeyed and went walking in the woods. Peter had to risk his life in a sword fight to get her back. If he’d known he wouldn’t get Wendy’s cooperation, should he have used incarceration by locking her in the house?
Fathers aren’t infallible. Jacob let his daughter Dinah go out to “see the daughters of the land;” Shechem raped her (Gen. 34). David told his daughter Tamar to go see Amnon and didn’t make Amnon marry Tamar after Amnon raped her (II Samuel 13). Did David or Jacob ask their wives for advice before doing these things?
The hardest part about parenting is persuading children that your ways are right. They may obey while living with you, but when they leave, they’ll do what they think is right. Unless you convince them that your ways are best before they leave home, unless they believe strongly that God’s “old paths (Jer. 6:16[166])” are the best way to live, they’ll do something else, to your sorrow.
Ch. 10 - Sources of Conflict – What We Say and Do
We communicate by what we say and by what we do. Actions speak louder than words - what we do speaks so loudly that nobody can hear what we say. Of all the things married people do, sex communicates the most vividly. If a woman deflects her husband’s desires or he deflects hers, they don’t belong to each other as described by the woman in Song 2:16 who says, “My beloved is mine, and I am his:”
If a man won’t stop when his wife says, “Ouch,” he’s telling her that he doesn’t mind hurting her.
Sex is important to a man. Women enjoy sex from time to time, but they're not generally as driven for sex as men are. Most women yearn to build relationships by sharing heartfelt feelings instead. Open-hearted talk is as vital to a woman’s well-being as open-hearted sex is to a man.
Most men know that lying about love helps persuade women to have sex, but few understand how deeply relationships matter to women. God told Adam that he would eat by the sweat of his face (Gen. 3:19[167]). Eve wasn't strong enough to hunt or to farm without machinery and she had burdens while pregnant, nursing, and raising children. Through generations of hunter-gathering and muscle-powered farming, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her. If a woman’s relationship with her provider fell apart, she and her children might starve. Maintaining and strengthening relationships was a matter of life and death.
Having her husband open his heart to her so that she knows that the relationship is in good shape is as important to her as having his wife open her body to him is to a man.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
Why is he so eager to come home? Will he rejoice in how neatly she’s stacked their linen closet? Or is he confident that she’ll delight in giving him the “three warms:” a warm bed, a warm heart, and warm meals?
The Bible teaches that both parties should sacrifice their own interests in favor of serving each other:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
The Bible says it’s fraud for a husband or wife to deny each other:
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:3-5
“Benevolence” refers to a gift; “due” means something owed. Husband and wife owe each other the free and undeserved gift of themselves. They must give freely to each other but the verse starts with the husband giving himself to his wife. Couples open themselves to Satan’s temptation if either defrauds the other by failing to meet basic physical or emotional needs.
Owing a voluntary gift isn’t a contradiction. You don’t have to marry. “Due benevolence” means that if you do marry, you have vowed before Almighty God that you will freely give of yourself to your spouse based on your spouse’s individual needs as long as you both shall live. It’s fraud against God if you don’t.
Communication
It’s a sacrifice for a man to open his heart as much as his wife desires. God also expects a man to talk with his wife enough to know her needs and take them into account:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
If a man fails to honor his wife by listening to her enough to know how to nourish and cherish her, his prayers bounce off the ceiling. This can take a lot of talk. Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I really like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. The Holy Spirit led her to tell me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant from her point of view.
I had no idea how vital this was. A woman can’t follow or obey her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[168]). It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying. If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind. A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her, so making my wife feel appreciated benefits me greatly.
Opening my heart to her was scary, but it helped that from time to time, as the spirit moved her, she’d call me “Sir.” The Bible teaches women to call their husbands “Lord.”
Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:6
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
There is no worse shame for a man than having a woman belittle or defy him. Men are deeply afraid of ridicule from women; her calling me “Sir” meant that she’d respect me even when I made mistakes. That made it easier for me to open my heart to her and show my love for her.
Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine. The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife are supposed to belong to each other (Song 2:16[169], 6:3[170]). God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and led her to show me I could trust her. Opening my heart to her made me hers.
It’s important to keep your words healthful at all times so you both feel safe with each other, see page 37. Keeping your talk gentle and kind is one of the fruits of the spirit (Gal. 5:22-23[171]). It avoids conflict.
Sex Communicates
God intended that a wife should welcome her husband’s physical drive to keep it focused on her, see page 28.
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:18-20
How can a man be ravished always with his wife’s love unless she always welcomes him? Keeping his desire focused on her makes it harder for other women to get his attention. Letting him leave home loaded, on the other hand, leaves him more vulnerable to temptation:
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
Seeing the power of his desire for her helps convince a woman that he wants her enough to stay with her. This is one way for a woman to be reassured about the stability of the relationship, but it matters greatly how a man approaches sex. God commands men to set their wives apart:
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Timothy 4:3-5
Some say that this refers to a man possessing his own body, but the “vessel” as in “as unto the weaker vessel” describes something that receives. Jesus said that a man and wife were “no more twain, but one flesh.” It doesn’t matter which body the passage refers to; in a Christian marriage, there’s only one body.
“Sanctify” means “set apart.” The only way to set a wife apart is to marry her first and listen to her to get to know her well enough that she’s “but one” as in the Song of Solomon. He must know what makes her different from all other women or he hasn’t sanctified her. Without sanctification, he possesses her in the lust of those who don’t know God. She won’t like being treated that way and she won’t want to do it.
What separates man from animals? Human beings know right from wrong and they care about each other. Men, if you possess a woman without worrying whether you’re doing right by her, if you don’t set her apart from all other women, you’re no better than a beast.
Women know this. An unsanctified wife may feel that any woman would satisfy her husband. This makes her feel like a whore or a sex toy. Being taken is humbling (De. 21:14, 22:25, 22:29, Ez. 22:10-11); being taken by a man who won’t sanctify her is humiliating.
Listen to what men should say about their wives:
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:29
These men know and say that their wives are the best in the world. The only way a man can praise in a way she believes is to talk to her enough to know her well enough to praise her gifts in detail. Talking that much is scary for men, but opening herself to her husband often enough to satisfy him is scary for a wife because it takes away her independence.
As my wife’s desire to talk was stronger than I could imagine, a man’s sex drive is stronger than a woman can imagine. As a woman wants her husband to open his heart to her for hours of talk per day, a man wants his wife to open herself to him many times per day. The male sex drive is so strong that it can lead to sodomy when men feel rejected:
Thou art thy mother’s daughter, that loatheth her husband and her children; and thou art the sister of thy sisters, which loathed their husbands and their children: your mother was an Hittite, and your father an Amorite. Ezekiel 16:45
The prophet says that in loathing their husbands, the women of Israel were sisters in conduct to the women of Sodom. Modern feminist writings say that men are “too macho,” they are “too possessive,” their desires are “disgusting.” Women are being taught to loathe their future husbands, which leads to sodomy.
Thwarted drive also opens men to pornography. Once a man learns to find satisfaction in porn, he doesn’t have to beg and never suffers the humiliation of being told, “No.” A man runs the same risk if he fails to satisfy his wife’s need to open-hearted talk - she’ll be tempted to share her emotional thoughts with someone else. Emotional fornication often leads to physical fornication.
Some men say their wives don’t want to talk. This may be because she’s been so criticized by her husband or other men that she’s afraid to open herself. Women are unbelievably sensitive; many wives interpret their husbands’ words more negatively than their husbands intend. Men must be careful what they say.
Conflicts over Money
After listing many activities that wouldn’t bring happiness, Solomon told men how to find joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
A man’s only source of joy is his work and his wife, but for him to rejoice with her, he must nourish her and cherish her so that she rejoices in belonging to him. Solomon’s labors were vanity and chasing after wind because he worked to please himself, but when a man works to provide for his wife, her depending on him makes his labor worthwhile (I Tim. 5:8[172]). Nothing straightens up a man like having a woman lean on him, and if she teaches her children to follow him by her example of submission, he can get joy from them.
Many women have difficulty choosing suitable gifts for husbands or brothers. This is because God designed men with one really major drive and designed women to fulfill it. If a man’s wife likes belonging to him, that’s pretty much all he wants and they can spend whatever he earns guiding the house. If a man opens his heart to his wife and makes her feel loved, she can more easily be content to live on what he earns.
Without talk, however, a wife feels unloved and unappreciated, and she’ll want to go shopping to make herself feel better. Similarly, a man feels unloved unless his wife encourages him to have her whenever he can. Without that, he’s tempted to buy toys to try to make himself feel better. The book of Ecclesiastes Chapter 2 shows that this approach won’t bring happiness to either party.
God planned that husband and wife should be each other’s main source of contentment so they don’t need to spend money on toys. If they meet each other’s needs, they’ll have fewer financial problems.
We’ve talked about keeping emotion out of disagreements and sticking to the facts. Money is the very best place for fact-based discussion. I grew up in Japan where heating oil cost $1 per quart; I kept my apartment at 50. For three years before we married, my wife lived in a YWCA in a room over the main boiler. Her room was between 70 and 80 all winter. When we bought our first house, we encountered the usual whiplash of the wallet, but we were able to install storm windows.
I showed her a cash flow projection when we got the November heat bill. This was before spread sheets; it’s easier now. I showed what we got after taxes. I showed expenses including mortgage, cars, phone, etc. I then explained that the heating bills for December through February would be at least double the November bill. We’d barely make it.
I reminded her that she wanted to buy a freezer. She didn’t want to pay interest, so we had to save the price. “If you set the thermostat at 50,” I told her, “we can afford to buy your freezer this spring. If, however, we set it at 70, we won’t be able to save the money until fall.”
She knew that a dollar on heat was a dollar we couldn’t spend on her freezer. She bought very heavy quilted underwear, drank hot tea, and we set our thermostat at “way cool.” We bought the freezer; it served us 30 years. I found a way to give her a choice as God gives us free will.
3 years later, we scraped together airfare so I could take her with me on a business trip. She found a crystal vase she really wanted. We’d been eating in cheaper restaurants than my colleagues so I could pay for her food and mine from my daily meal allowance. This was before computers. It wasn’t worth the effort to add up all the receipts for each meal, so the company gave us a fixed sum for each day.
Her air fare had left us in a bad position, but she wanted the vase. “If you buy groceries and eat in our room,” I told her, “we can save enough out of my meal allowance for your vase.” We ate a lot of tuna and the bread sometimes went stale, but we bought the vase. She still has it.
We’ve been talking about keeping emotion out of discussion and sticking to facts. There is no topic better suited to fact-based discussion than money. You know what you’ve spent, you know what came in. What’s more, you know most of the upcoming bills and most of what you expect to come in. Facts take a lot of the sting out of talking about money. Everybody has spreadsheets; there’s no excuse not to have totally factual discussions. Once all the facts are on the table, the answer is usually obvious – “No, you can’t have it yet.”
Belong to Each Other
God expects each husband and wife to belong to each other, see page 28. Everyone knows this. There’s a song:
Button up your
overcoat, when the wind blows free
Take good care of yourself, you belong to me!
God created each woman to be her husband’s help meet. A woman can’t help a man unless he heeds what she says. A man would far rather give to his wife than have her take from him, and a woman would far rather give herself to her husband than have him take her. If a man belongs to his wife, it’s much easier for her to give herself to him. If she belongs to him, it’s easier for him to give to her.
A woman at work tried to attract me. “I was angry when you didn’t even notice,” she told me. “Then I realized, ‘Oh, he belongs to his wife’ so I went after someone else.” I’m careful to have women in my office meet my wife so they’ll know I belong thoroughly to her.
If a woman belongs to a man, her happiness also belongs to him. He’ll find that making her happy will make him far happier than anything he does to make himself happy. If a man belongs to a woman, she will find great joy in making him happy because his happiness becomes hers.
Jesus said that spouses should not only belong to each other, they should become one:
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:7-8
The only way that two people can be “no more twain, but one,” is for each of them to die to their individual lives and be re-born into a one-flesh married unit. This is like salvation. The Bible teaches that sinners have to die to their former lives in order to be born again into Christ:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. For when we were in the flesh, the motions of sins, which were by the law, did work in our members to bring forth fruit unto death. But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter. Romans 7:4-6
A man shows his wife that he belongs to her by opening his heart to her. This frightens a man as much as opening herself to a man frightens a woman, but the Bible teaches that it’s safe for him to do so:
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12
This applies to a virtuous, Godly woman. An unsaved wife may do her husband harm instead of good. There’s a saying, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.” That was Solomon’s mistake:
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon found joy with the wife of his youth. In his old age, he was disappointed in women, even though he had a thousand (I Kings 11:3[173]). Why? What went wrong? Solomon knew that marriage should have been good. He knew that marriage should have brought him great joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
Solomon knew he should have been able to rejoice in marriage, but he mourned, “a woman among all those have I not found.” Why? Why was his soul vexed and empty when he had so many women?
Men usually say, “Women are unmanageable,” few admit it was Solomon’s fault. What didn’t he know?
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
The Song, particularly 8:2-3[174], shows that she liked belonging to her husband because he was hers. If a wife doesn’t like belonging to her husband, his soul is as empty as Solomon’s soul was empty.
Solomon didn’t realize he should belong to one wife and be hers. Deu. 17:17[175] said not to “multiply wives” because too many wives would turn him away from God. That happened to Solomon, and also made his life empty. He said, “my soul seeketh, but I find not.”
Solomon should have known that a woman must have a man like belong to her for her to enjoy belonging to him. Solomon had life and death power over his wives but they didn’t like belonging to him. A man may own a woman, he may be able to command her, but he can’t make her like it. If she doesn’t like belonging to him, he’ll miss the joy and glory God intended that she bring into his life.
The book of Proverbs warns five times that living with an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[176], 21:9[177], 19[178], 25:24[179], 27:15[180]). Opening his heart to a woman takes so much time that a man can’t possibly belong to more than one. Solomon didn’t belong to any of his wives; he had 1,000 frustrated, unhappy women under his roof. No wonder his soul was empty!
The principles of marriage can be summed up in just two verses:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth. I Corinthians 10:24
A man should dedicate his life to caring for his wife and a wife should dedicate her life to serving and taking care of her husband and children. Seeing her husband work hard to care for her and working hard to share the concerns of her heart makes a woman happy to belong to him.
In this life, there is no joy for a man which compares to having a woman like belonging to him so much that she delights in blessing his fountain. God is just – He offers men and women the same amounts of joy in marriage, but it takes different forms. A woman delights in having a man delight in taking care of her, opening his heart to her, using her skills and knowledge, and making her a permanent resident of his world.
Marriage is really as simple as a child’s song:
If you’re saved
and you know it, then your life will surely show it.
If you’re saved and you know it, pass it on – especially to your spouse!
God’s rules are very simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is as simple as salvation, its two words, “only praise.”
Marriages would fine work if husband and wife never criticized each other, never threw angry words at each other, and looked for little things to praise and appreciate. A husband should be able to say from the bottom of his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you.”
We must praise our spouses. Praising God as He commands keeps us focused on what He has given so that we don’t worry about what He hasn’t given. As explained on page 83, praising our spouses keeps us focused on what we like so we don’t focus on what we don’t like. This increases happiness throughout the household.
Ch. 11 - God Made Men and Women Think Differently
This chapter helps couples think about the different ways they think.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. 28And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, Genesis 1:27-28a
God made men and women think differently on purpose. He gave us ways of thinking that reflect different parts of His wisdom. A husband and wife show more of His design together than either could alone.
Instead of trusting that a good God knew what He was doing when He created us, many men and women complain that God made their spouses wrong. Women complain that men are too possessive, too controlling, and can’t find anything in a refrigerator. Men complain that women are too emotional and talk too much.
This chapter shows how God uses the contrast between a man’s and a woman’s mind to draw them together instead of driving them apart.
A wife needs steady reassurance that she is valued, that her husband delights in caring for her, and that their bond is secure. Scripture hints at this vulnerability when it show how the fall strengthened a woman’s longing for connection and made her more sensitive to her husband’s feelings toward her (Gen. 3:16[181]).
Until society became wealthy enough for women to get jobs and support themselves, a woman’s survival depended on keeping a partnership with a man who was willing to provide for her. Women who could build that bond were more likely to raise children who survived. Those pressures shaped instincts that live in the female heart today. What looks like “neediness” to a husband is often the echo of God’s design and the weight of history pressing a woman to seek reassurance that she is safe, loved, and won’t be abandoned and left alone.
Consider your family tree. Every one of your female ancestresses was able to persuade a man to feed her, and every one of your male ancestors was willing to do it. If any had failed, you wouldn’t be here.
Opening his heart to his wife reassures her that he belongs to her but opening is scary because women think so differently from men. Men share their bodies but value emotional privacy. Both parties need gentle curiosity and assurance that their wants and needs will be respected.
The mixture of logic, emotion, and intuition that God gives a wife helps her guide her house and makes women think very differently from men. It’s amazing how different they can be. A wife told her husband, “Buy me a carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6.” He bought 6 cartons of milk. When she asked why, he said, “They had avocados.” A husband told his wife he would get her a diamond for their anniversary. She said, “Nothing would please me more.” He got her nothing.
These stories show that men and women often hear the same words but process them through very different mental wiring. What frustrates us is not stupidity or stubbornness, it’s simply the beautiful, bewildering contrast God built into the male and female mind.
A man found a note on the refrigerator, “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opens the fridge and finds it’s working. He doesn’t know why she thought it was broken, and sits down to wait for her to get back from her mother’s. She, of course, is waiting for him to call her.
It’s likely that she’d been hinting of trouble and he’d missed it. A friend sent me this illustration of a total man-woman disconnect:
Her diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong - he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slyly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you too.” When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His diary: My motorcycle won't start, and I don't know why.
Men tend to focus more intently than women do, but no man should lock his wife out of his thoughts, not ever. When a wife tells her husband she loves him out of the blue, there may be distress in her words. She may need reassurance that he loves her. He should be aware of her distress, work to find out why, and reassure her even if she can’t explain:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
On our first date, I started thinking about something profound my wife said. About 20 seconds later, she put her hand on my arm and asked, “Where are you?” I said I was in the restaurant[182], and she said, “No, your mind is a million miles away; I can see it in your eyes.” My lights were on, but nobody was home. A man can disappear into his thoughts without realizing it, but a woman notices the moment his mind leaves the room.
I told her that what she’d said was important and explained how I was fitting her knowledge into what I already knew. She liked the fact that I thought so hard about what she said and she found the world where her thoughts had taken me to be interesting, but most of all, she liked the way I opened my heart to her when she asked. A man must draw his wife into his world when he disappears into his thoughts so that she knows she’s welcome there. This strengthens the connection she needs.
Knowing versus Understanding
Most wives think their husbands should understand them. God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to put in the hours and hours of open-hearted talk to know her:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
There’s a big difference between knowing and understanding. My wife believes our quilt isn’t square and the flowers have to be right side up instead of sideways or upside-down. She can’t sleep if the quilt’s on the bed “wrong.” She says it doesn’t cover her when I’m in the bed. I say it’s king-size and she’s a small woman, it’s wide enough to warm her either way, but she doesn’t agree. I have no understanding of why it has to be that way, but I need to know enough to honor her with kindness.
There are 7 wrong ways to lay a quilt but only one right way. She was frustrated because I put the quilt on wrong when I tried to help her. She could’ve thought, “If he loved me, he’d know how I want the quilt,” but she knew I loved her. She decided I really couldn’t tell which way was up. Then she said to put the tag in my corner. That solved the problem.
Do I understand this? I do not. But I know it; I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it. This makes her feel loved because she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care; she knows I do it just for her. When you do something just to make your wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to belong to you even if you don’t understand her.
She likes hearing me say I love, value, and appreciate her, but what I do matters a lot more:
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18
The quilt took patience. The top and bottom look the same, but I can find the tag. She had to figure out how to tell me how to meet her needs. I figured out putting toilet seats down, combing hair out of her brush, and rinsing sinks after I brush my teeth, but I didn’t get the quilt.
Some say I belittle my wife by saying she cares so much about a quilt but that’s silly. God wants children. It does no good for a child to be born if it dies when someone overlooks a tiny detail. Women handle a huge number of details that aren’t on a man’s radar.
A woman’s “baby bag” carries different things which change with the seasons and with who’s sick. A man thinks the quilt’s just as warm no matter how it’s on the bed; women agree that there’s one right way to spread a quilt, the other 7 ways are wrong.
This doesn’t mean that all women will agree on how to spread a quilt. One may choose one side for the top; another might prefer the other side. One may want the flowers facing the head of the bed so she can see them from the foot, another might want them the other way so she can see them from her pillow.
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
My wife manages many details of guiding our home and children so I don’t have to. I concentrate on the Big Picture, but when something matters to her, it better matter to me. If I don’t care about what matters to her, if I don’t look on her things, she thinks she doesn’t matter to me.
It’s a lot of trouble for me to think about her enough to understand what she wants to know about me. That’s the only way to convince her that I belong to her. That gives her the emotional energy to belong to me and comfort me (Gen. 24:67[183]) as God planned. There is no joy for a man that compares with having his wife like belonging to him, but he must convince her first to make it possible.
Different Ways of Talking
Men use “report talk” to say what happened. Women use “rapport talk” to build relationships.[184] Women bond to each other by sharing stories. Men draw together by sharing experiences, see page 49. Women have a deep need to talk; “strong, silent type” describes men who don’t talk much. Here’s example of relational woman talk:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream. He should have relied on her feelings to help him stay out of trouble.
God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her (1 Pe. 3:7). Very few women or men can explain how they think. For my wife, the top refrigerator shelf is the first, the one below that the second, while I number them from the bottom up like floors in a building. It took us more than 50 years to see that. What a disconnect!
Isaac supplied the tent where his wife would live. A husband provides food, clothing and shelter for his wife who guides their house. God created women to help their husbands (Gen. 2:18, 20[185]):
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14
A wife often knows things her husband doesn’t, particularly about children. It’s foolish for a man to ignore his wife’s knowledge and ideas when making decisions. Even if her thoughts aren’t always practical, her ideas may stimulate his thoughts and help make better decisions. In our decades of deciding, it’s been rare that the first idea from either of us stands the test of the other’s knowledge. It can take hours of discussion, but the decision is usually obvious once everyone’s concerns are shared.
Knowledge sharing is one way God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11[186]) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24[187]).
I saw my mother’s mind work when a baby cried in the next apartment. The hormones of pregnancy make a mother sensitive to a baby's cry[188]. My mother couldn’t stand the crying. She knocked, said, “Can I help you,” and picked up the baby.
Hormones on a woman's skin affect a baby's brain[189]. The mother's hormones of fear made her baby afraid. My mother’s calmer hormones made the baby stop crying from fear and start crying about what was wrong. Mom showed the mother how to fix it. God designed women’s hearing to be sensitive to baby noises but it takes teaching and experience for a mother to learn how to deal with her baby’s sounds.
How Women Think
When men complain that women think emotionally, women feel that men believe women don’t think at all. This makes them unhappy and unwilling to try to explain how they think. This lowers decision quality.
Dismissing women’s thoughts goes back to the Greek philosophers who gave us forward and backward chaining which doctors use. The doctor collects low-cost facts – blood pressure, temperature, weight, height, and your history. You describe your symptoms. The doctor “forward chains” from the facts and guesses what’s wrong.
Suppose the doctor thinks you have pellagra. If that’s true, you’ll have other symptoms. The doctor “backward chains” from the guess and orders tests to see if you have other symptoms of pellagra. “We need more tests” means that the guess was wrong, backward chaining failed, but he now has more facts. He’ll forward chain to another guess for which backward chaining needs more facts. It’s easy to explain conclusions found through forward and backward chaining.
Greeks also gave us Aristotelian logic - if A is true, not A is false. When Rome conquered Greece, they learned geometry and logic. They couldn’t have built roads or bridges without these intellectual tools.
These ways of thinking are so useful that many men believe that their way is the only way to think. When the Greek philosophers came down from their lofty discussions, they found that the women whom they’d left guiding the house didn’t think that way. Instead of seeing that there was another way to think, they assumed that women didn’t think at all. Modern men are no better at valuing women’s thoughts.
Women think holistically, which means “involving or emphasizing the whole.” Everything in the house and everyone she knows is connected to everything else like a multidimensional picture in her mind. This helps a woman find things anywhere in the house and makes it easier for her to fit each new baby into the family.
Each woman has her own way of seeing her kitchen so it’s hard for a woman to work in another woman’s territory. Gen. 31:33-34 tells how Laban searched separate tents for each of Jacob’s four wives. The women shared a husband, but couldn’t share a kitchen or sleeping space.
My mother’s mother came to help her for a week when I was born, and my dad’s mother for a week. My mother was so upset at my dad’s mother rearranging her kitchen that she told me 15 years later. She told my wife about it after we married and said that she’d never do it to her.
My wife once saw a group of kids running. “That child’s hurt!” she exclaimed even though we were too far away to identify them. One child had a sprained ankle and been given crutches but didn’t want to use them. The way that child ran disturbed my wife. Being able to see or hear one wrong note in a complex situation helps raise children – a choking baby needs help now no matter what else the mother is doing.
A Smithsonian article describes motherhood “as an unseen and poorly understood cellular-level revolution that rebuilds the female brain.”[190] A high-level executive was amazed to find herself watching her newborn wave and kick for hours on end. Her brain was learning her baby’s normal movements so that if her child was hurt, she would immediately see that something was wrong and take care of it.
A holistic situational sense protects women from stronger men. Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear,” page 57, describes women who were robbed or raped. They felt uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking. He says to pay attention when feeling something’s wrong and discusses ways to tell which fears are real and which are not. Judges 16:18[191] says a woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks. Many ignore God’s gift and won’t look because they’re afraid they might see something negative and have to end the relationship.
It can be Hard to Explain
My wife’s father knew her feelings were given to fulfill God’s instructions to marry and have children, but he insisted that she try to explain her feelings. That helped me as I learned to care for her. She told me many things about her thoughts which we wrote down, see page 44.
Even with 5 decades of practice, it can be hard to explain. A friend was having heart surgery. His washing machine failed. My wife did his wife’s laundry and bought 2 laundry carriers. When I asked why she hadn’t put the clothes in a trash bag, she said she hadn’t thought of it.
I knew that wasn’t it but she couldn’t explain. The next day she said her friend folded dirty laundry waiting to be washed and would be unhappy if clean clothes came back jumbled in a bag. With her husband in the hospital, my wife didn’t want to add to her stress. She knew this without knowing how she knew until she figured it out the next day.
When researchers used computers for Artificial Intelligence (AI), they began with forward and backward chaining. This gave us “expert systems” whose conclusions could be explained. As AI advanced to “deep learning,” computers reach conclusions we can’t understand. The article “Can we let algorithms take decisions we cannot explain?[192]” points out that unexplained decisions make people nervous, just as men get nervous when a woman reaches a strongly-held conclusion she can’t explain.
How God Did This
Research shows that men and women have different verbal[193] and spatial reasoning[194] skills. God gave male and female brains the same basic structure and the same brain cells but the connections are different.
The article “Men's and Women's Brains Are Wired Differently, but What Does It Mean?[195]” explains some of the differences.
The brain is split into two halves, called hemispheres. Verma’s study found that men have more connections within each hemisphere of the cerebrum, linking the regions for planning and decision-making with the regions for sight and speech.
Women, on the other hand, have more connections between each hemisphere, allowing the two halves of the brain to share information more easily. In the cerebellum, the brain’s physics and motion calculator, the opposite was true—men had more connections between the two hemispheres, and women had more connections within each hemisphere.
The study found minimal gender differences in children under the age of 13, but the differences were much more distinct by age 17. Many brain wiring changes occur during puberty, and men and women seem to develop differently. [emphasis added]
“Brain Facts To Know And Share: Men Have A Lower Percentage Of Gray Matter Than Women[196]”
Did you know women have a higher percentage of gray matter than men? And, not only do men have more white matter, percentage-wise, they also have more cerebrospinal fluid.
According to the researchers, the “results suggest that male brains are structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action, whereas female brains are designed to facilitate communication between analytical and intuitive processing modes.” [emphasis added]
“Intuitive processing modes” may be what helps women find things in the refrigerator better than men can.
Hormones in the blood affect thinking. The adrenalin rush to the brain in times of fear can bring tunnel vision to focus on the threat and help you see more clearly[197]. A woman’s hormones change during pregnancy and during her monthly cycle and affect her brain.
“Hormonal Influences on Cognitive Function[198]” discusses this:
Hormones are the chemical regulators of the human body and function critically to maintain various processes, such as growth, emotions and even cognition. Numerous studies have examined the relationship between hormonal effects and cognitive function; these studies have investigated different factors, such as aging, pregnancy, post-natal states, emotions and stress. Different types of hormones produce different outcomes for the human body and mind.
… sexual hormones … are commonly associated with cognitive function … [and addict couples to each other, see page 155]
“Menstruation And The Female Brain: How Fluctuating Hormone Levels Impact Cognitive Function”[199] goes into more detail:
Days before your period you may feel as if you’re walking around in a mental fog. During premenstrual syndrome (PMS), hormones begin to fluctuate and alter the levels of brain chemicals that keep you balanced and alert, but what exactly happens to the brain during your period?
Usually, after the first few days, there will be a surge of estrogen levels that will stimulate the release of endorphins that eliminate the mental change or hormonal cloud present during PMS.
“Estrogen levels are closely linked with women’s emotional well-being as estrogen affects parts of the brain that control emotions,” Dr. Ben Michaelis, a clinical psychologist in New York City and author of “Your Next Big Thing,” told Medical Daily.
The rise in estrogen levels during the menstrual cycle deters women from impulsive decision-making. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Neuroscience found greater increases in estrogen levels across the menstrual cycle compared to impulsive behavior during the beginning of menstruation when estrogen levels are low.
God structured our brains as differently as our muscles.[200] These differences help husbands and wives fulfill the roles God gave us in forming families. A woman’s holistic thinking treats the family, house, and children as one picture where she can quickly see anything that’s going wrong and helps her find items in the house. This helps her keep her babies alive, but makes her easy to interrupt. A man is harder to interrupt. He focuses strongly to get his seeds planted at the right time, he must complete the harvest at the right time, or he must focus on a game trail to make sure he can shoot any edible animal that comes along.
God gets servants when His servants raise children to serve Him. Their different brains and different ways of thinking make women better mothers than men are. The difference improves decision quality if a husband values his wife’s thoughts but differences also make it hard for a man to open his heart to his wife as she needs.
Psalm 68:6 explains that God loved us enough to put solitary people in families. If you don’t see how something about your spouse’s basic nature blesses you and your family, that’s your problem, not God’s. Pray to ask Him for wisdom to see why your spouse blesses you – that’s a promise He wants to fulfill (Jas. 1:5[201]), but you have to listen closely.
Ch. 12 - Ruth’s Rules for Finding Rest in Marriage
God gave us the Book of Ruth as a romance story: a poverty-stricken widow goes to a strange land to find God, works hard, shows virtue, marries a wealthy, honorable man, and is mentioned in the line of Christ. Women read romance novels and think about getting married. God’s example shows how a woman should behave so that a good man will want her. A man who wants to marry a good woman should learn how Boaz honored Ruth so that she wanted to marry him.
Titus 2:4-5[202] teaches older women to teach younger women about husbands and children. The Book of Ruth shows Naomi helping Ruth get married; the wife’s mother in the Song taught her daughter how to stay married. A woman should learn from a Godly grandmother.
Song 2:16 says, “My beloved is mine, and I am his,” Song 6:3 says “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.” God expects men and women to die to themselves, give up their independence, belong to each other, and be no more twain, but one flesh (Mt. 19:6[203]) just as they were one flesh before God separated Eve out of Adam’s body (Gen. 2:21-22[204]). It’s hard to give up your wants and belong to your spouse, but that’s what God expects of us (Song 2:16[205], 6:3[206], 7:10[207]).
A man expects that marriage means he can have his wife whenever he’s able to have her, a woman expects that marriage means that he’ll open his heart to her whenever she’s able to talk. God created women because it’s not good for men to be alone (Gen. 2:18[208]). God had many reasons for giving women a drive to talk, but one reason was that a wife keeps her husband from being alone by talking to him.
It’s hard for a woman to please her husband unless he opens his heart to her enough for her to know what he wants. A woman feels cheated if her husband won’t open his heart to her when she needs to talk – his silence slices her heart like a knife. She feels as defrauded as her husband feels if she won’t open herself to him whenever he wants her (I Cor. 7:3-5[209]). A woman can’t decide when her husband needs her and he can’t decide when she needs him. Both parties must sacrifice to serve the other. Did you marry to get, or did you marry to give?
It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there. It’s equally simple to have a good marriage – die to yourself one day at a time, repeat until you die.
A man may talk during courtship because he’s pursuing her. Once he’s married, he thinks it’s a done deal, she knows he loves her, and he doesn’t have to talk any more. The Bible says 4 times that giving herself to a man humbles a woman (Deu. 21:14, 22:29, Eze. 22:10-11). The emotional cost of opening herself is so high that she finds it hard to give herself as often as he wants her unless she’s convinced that he belongs to her and that he likes belonging to her and caring for her.
The Sacrificial Cost of a Husband
Ladies, having a man in your life is a lot of work and sacrifice. Many marriages break down when the woman finds out how much a husband costs after they’re married, decides he isn’t worth that, and walks out.
The tragedy is not that marriage is costly, it’s that women aren’t taught how God designed for husbands to carry his part of the cost. You won’t find rest in marriage to a man who won’t belong to you. That makes your burden harder to bear. A good husband belongs to you. If he nourishes and values you as God’s precious gift to him, you’ll find rest in belonging to him and you won’t mind the cost of belonging to him.
I Cor. 7:28 says, “if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh:” This isn’t because marriage is bad, it’s because it’s always two sinners learning how to love as Christ loves. A man in your life burdens you (Lk. 10:40[210]) and brings trouble. Marriage is so much trouble that the Bible says not to marry unless you must:
I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:8-9
For men, the danger is burning with uncontrolled desire. For women, the danger is the burden of sharing and caring. The Bible says it’s good for women not to marry and that it’s not good for men to be alone. God meant marriage to bless men and women, but we must do it His way. In many ways, marriage harder on women than on men.
God Teaches Women How To Marry
As a widow, Ruth knew what a husband costs; she still wanted to marry. A woman should marry only if she wants to belong to one specific man badly enough to bear his costs. If he isn’t worth it, don’t marry. Ruth’s story shows salvation, but it’s also a handbook how to get married.
There’s no book telling men how to get married, in fact, I Cor. 7:27 tells men not to look for wives. Women get instruction: Pr. 14:1 warns, “a wise woman buildeth her house.” The Bible says nothing about men building houses. Men can build buildings but not homes. It’s the woman’s job to build her house and she lays the foundation before marriage.
Successful marriages follow the same rules given in the book of Ruth. It shows how Ruth set a firm foundation for her house before Boaz took her to wife. Maybe 80% of success or failure in marriage is determined by what goes before, and 90% of that is how the woman conducts herself.
Proverbs 31 teaches that a virtuous woman is beyond price. A woman sets her price by what she does. If a man can have her for the price of a few dinners, she isn’t worth much. If he can have her without marriage, what would marrying give him that he doesn’t already have? If she gives herself cheaply, he’s teacher him that she has little value. If she guards her value he must rise to meet it.
Before dating, ask him to agree that the purpose of being together is to determine whether he and she will marry, his life for her life. She lays the foundation for her house before letting the man enter it. Today’s women won’t do exactly as Ruth did because cultures are different, but God’s principles don’t change. Few young people are taught how to get married; you can save people a lot of grief by helping them avoid divorce.
The Reality of Marriage
Building successful marriages starts with knowing what marriage is. The Bible explains in one verse, page 21:
A husband must comfort his wife and she comforts him. Comforting a husband as described in that section burns a lot of emotional energy; a husband must convince his wife daily that he loves her. This isn’t flattery, it’s fuel. It gives her enough emotional energy to comfort him.
Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. I Corinthians 10:31
Doing all to the Glory of God builds a successful marriage. You were created for the glory of God and your spouse was created for the glory of God. You’ll have to ask yourself, “Will doing this help us glorify God, or will it hurt?” Can you always ask yourself that? Can you do all things to help your spouse glorify God?
That’s the main cost of marriage: becoming one with your spouse as God expects means that you give up your desires, wants, and needs in favor of your new family. It’s humbling to belong to your husband. You have to humble yourself to accept salvation; you must humble yourself in marriage. Can you die to your wants and do all things to help your husband glorify God with you? Do you want a specific man that badly?
Background of the Book of Ruth
Boaz’s line led to Christ (Mt. 1:5[211]). We know little of most of the men. God told Boaz’s story because he married a virtuous woman who chose to belong to God. “Behind every successful man, there’s a woman.”
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23
Boaz’s mother Rahab (Mt. 1:5) was another foreign woman who believed in God (Jos. 2:8-13) and married into the line of Christ. God accepts all who call on Him, but they must choose for themselves:
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. Hebrews 11:6
Ruth chose God before she chose Boaz. Her faith shaped her character and her character prepared her for marriage.
Naomi’s advice to Ruth how to get married takes up a major part of an entire book whereas the mother’s advice to her daughter how to stay married takes only one verse (Song 8:3[212]). A woman needs instruction how to lay the foundation of her house before the man enters it.
Naomi blessing gives the woman’s view of marriage:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Wives depend on husbands for food in a muscle-powered society with no “safety net.” Naomi wanted her daughters to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in knowing that their husbands valued and appreciated them as taught in the Song. Many women experience this:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can pay a woman’s expenses without giving his heart. Naomi wanted appreciative husbands who liked nourishing and cherishing them, men who gave cheerfully (2 Cor. 9:7[213]) and not grudgingly.
A man who thinks he might want to marry a good woman should learn how Boaz honored Ruth so that she wanted to marry him. A woman who wants to marry should consider Ruth’s Rules for marriage:
Rule # 1 – Prepare to Glorify God with Your Husband
Ladies, the main question to ask before letting a man have you as his wife is: does he help you glorify God? Prepare to glorify God with your husband by glorifying God by yourself before you meet him.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Ruth didn’t chase a husband. She chased God, and God added Boaz.
Naomi moved to Moab with her husband and sons, the sons married, the men died leaving three widows. Naomi tried to send her daughters back to their families where they’d find husbands, but Ruth wanted Naomi’s God more than she wanted a husband:
And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Ruth’s parents would have found her a husband, but nobody in her family believed in God. Naomi said Ruth couldn’t marry if she stayed with Naomi, but Ruth knew something few modern girls have been taught: better to have God and no husband than a husband without God.
Young ladies, do you believe that? Ruth could have said, “I prayed the prayer, I’m saved, I’ll let my parents find me a husband.” She said, “thy God my God” instead. She chose God first. God brought marriage later.
Ruth swore allegiance to Naomi’s country, to Naomi’s people, and to Naomi’s God. Ruth summed up what marriage vows mean to your husband. In this day of women’s liberation and political correctness, you may not realize what your man believes you’re promising him. It doesn’t matter what marriage vows you write. You need to know what he thinks you’re promising him. Her vow to Naomi gives you the pattern.
Let’s look at one promise at a time. Ruth said, “whither thou goest, I will go,” your husband expects you’ll go wherever he goes. How many women wanted to spend six dusty months in a bumpy covered wagon to Oregon? Very few, read their diaries. They didn’t want to go, but they went because their men went. Ruth said, “where thou lodgest, I will lodge,” your husband expects that you’ll live wherever he puts you.
Ask yourself: Can I follow where he leads? Can I live where he lives?
Call Him Lord
Your husband also expects you to call him “sir” as Sarah called Abraham “lord” (I Pe. 3:6[214]). You’ll know his faults. The only way you can call him “lord” from your heart and reverence him as the Bible commands (Eph. 5:33[215]) is to treat him as if he were perfect, as God treats you as perfect (Heb. 10:17[216]). Marriage requires that God’s grace flow between you.
If a man belongs to you lovingly and cheerfully, his love and grace bless you. If you submit to your husband lovingly and belong to him cheerfully, your love and grace bless him. This helps you bless others.
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
God gave us His grace. If we’re good stewards of His grace, we’ll share His grace and pass it on! This is a powerful testimony. As lost people see you offer your husband the same grace God gave you, as they see him nourish and cherish you by offering you the grace God gave him, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves. We can tell them how to get it!
Reverencing your husband means you’re the tail on his kite, you hold steady as he soars. Look at couples in cars. Who’s driving? It’s almost always the man. He goes where he wants, the woman’s along for the ride, even if it’s her car. If he wants to stop and do something, he stops and does it. If she wants to stop, she has to ask permission and doesn’t always get it. You can also read stories that men read such as anything by Louis L’Amour. Have you read “Flint,” or “Warrior’s Path?”
Ever see a John Wayne movie? He’s the hero. A crisis comes, his woman views with alarm, the hero says, “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” He runs off and does it while she worries. Men feel responsible to act to solve problems. A godly man doesn’t leave a mess behind for her to clean up, he doesn’t treat her as his janitor.
Make Your Home His Home
You must make your home his home. I’ve a friend who’d never seen her husband’s house. “He carried me over the threshold,” she said, “and the living room was full of tires,” 4 for each vehicle. A man keeps tires in the living room so he can find them when he needs them. “It took me a month to get the tires out on the porch,” she said, “and another two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went carefully and slowly instead of taking over his house. As he learned she could find his socks, his underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires. A woman wins a man’s heart by earning his trust, not by conquering his space.
Suppose you’ve been married a month and your apartment looks perfect. Your husband says he’s going to drive his motorcycle into your living room to fix the transmission. You can say, “Over my dead body,” but that shuts down discussion. What do you say when he drives his motorcycle into your living room and starts fixing the transmission? It’s hard to get men to talk at all, its bad tactics to shut off discussion and turn it into a fight. At least he warned you, he’s better than average.
There’s one right answer. “Let’s put down a tarp so your parts won’t get lost.” That makes it easier for you to clean up the mess. At the store, you ask, “Are you going to clean your parts? Let’s get some disposable roasting pans.” That way you’re helping, you’re on his side, you’re part of the solution making life easier, and over time, he’ll learn to trust you.
This is important. Women relate through talk, men relate through shared experiences, see page 49. Fixing his motorcycle together in your living room is a shared experience that ties you to him. You’re not just helping him, you’re entering his world and becoming part of his story.
The Bible says of a virtuous woman, “She will do him good and not evil” (Pro 31:12). Ladies, there are two ways to get a man to do what you want. You can be “a continual dropping (Pr. 27:15[217]),” rain on his parade enough, and you’ll get what you want. Samson told Delilah the secret of his strength because, “She pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death.” (Judges 16:16). That’s a way to deal with a man, or you can be like the virtuous woman,
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
Why shouldn’t he have motorcycles? You want diapers and baby toys. A man thinks of home as a place to keep his wife. If you don’t convince him it’s his home, if he doesn’t feel welcome, respected, and wanted, he’ll find reasons to go other places. A man can work harder or go out with the boys instead of staying with you. You don’t want to be alone.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
This man is so eager to be home that he’s skipping! Is he rushing home to admire the curtains or to see neat stacks of towels in the linen closet? That’s not it. Ask an older woman why he comes home eagerly! A man runs home to a woman who makes him feel like an honored hero. He avoids home when he feels like a failure.
Belong to Him
Think! If he must work on his cycle, wouldn’t you rather he did it where you could hand him tools, ask questions, admire his skill, and bond with him? If he does it elsewhere, you lose all that.
Be practical. It’s easier for you to wash grease off his parts for him than for you to clean the bathtub or sink after he does it. If you wash his parts, your husband will be known in the gates (Pr. 31:23[218]). His friends say, “Your bike’s on the road.” He says, “My wife cleaned the chain!” Raising his status among others is so unusual he’ll have to talk about it.
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
Using a sword on a man drives him away. If you’re health to him, it won’t take him long to see that you’re lots better than a motorcycle and he’ll choose to stay with you. Win him with words of health.
Be realistic. If a young wife helps her husband fix his motorbike in a small living room, washes his parts, hands him tools, looks over his shoulder, and really cares what he’s doing, how long will he work on the bike? How long before he gets distracted and finds something much better to do with you? Fifteen minutes? Five? When a woman joins him in his world, he shifts his focus to the woman who respects him, admires him, helps him, and wants to be with him.
Ladies, cleaning up after a man does what a man’s gotta do and being the tail on his kite are 1/5 of the burden of having a husband. Older women must teach younger women how to love their husbands, love their children, and guide houses, that’s the rest of the yoke of marriage. You must know what a man costs to decide if belonging to a specific man will be worth what he costs. It’s hard to glorify God with your husband and about your husband if he costs more than he’s worth to you.
If you really want to marry, rule #1 is “seek ye first the kingdom of God” to get yourself ready to glorify God with your husband all your days. Rule #2 is what Ruth told Naomi:
Rule # 2 – Go Wherever He Goes
whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me. Ruth 1:16-17
Look in a mirror and watch yourself say that verse while thinking of him. If you can’t promise Ruth’s vow with all your heart, if you aren’t eager to be the tail on his kite, if his kite has no string, or if you aren’t eager to follow him wherever he goes all your days, don’t marry him.
Women ask, “Must it be this way? Why am I the tail?” The Bible tells you. Many men say that this passage means that a husband can lord it over his wife. Other verses say the opposite, we’ll get to them:
For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
You’re the tail on his kite because God made you as God’s gift to your husband; he’s not made for you. He takes you to wife, you don’t take him to husband. The bride is given away; she’s the gift, not the groom.
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:22-24
Adam’s first words were a bit possessive. Adam said that Eve was part of him, she belonged to him, he could have her whenever he wanted her, that’s what a relationship means to a man. Men haven’t changed one bit since God brought Eve to Adam - men are still possessive of their wives. God made women for men so very well that they’re worth wanting.
Adam called Eve “woman.” Did he ask her what she wanted to be called? He named her Eve without asking her. Do men label women? Who takes whose name? Have men changed? Not in important ways.
Adam said, “Want that! Gimmie!” Eve knew Adam appreciated her and that events would take their course as defined in Ruth 3:18. If you’re thinking of marriage, you’d better understand Ruth 3:18:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
What’s this, “will not be in rest”? Married women know why Boas wouldn’t be in rest until he’d finished the thing that very day. Have men changed? Have men changed at all? Here’s what Ruth said to Boaz:
I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman. Ruth 3:9
The basics of marriage are clear. Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother’s tent: He gave her a home, he took her, she became his wife, he loved her, and she comforted him. Ruth wanted Boaz to spread his coat over her, claim her, protect her, take responsibility for her, and marry her. What do women want today? She wants a man to put his arm around her, put his coat over her, and keep her warm and safe.
You see a young man with a young woman, she’s often wearing his jacket, she’s testing him, will you keep me warm? What could be more basic? Adam said “Mine! Gimmie!” Boaz couldn’t be in rest. He took Ruth to wife that day, what’s simpler than that? This is as old as Eden.
The idea of a woman wanting a man to keep her warm and a man not being in rest are the foundation of marriage, but that’s not enough. In 90% of the failed marriages today, it’s the woman who walks out; she’s not starving and she’s not cold. Why does she leave? It’s usually because she doesn’t find rest in her husband.
Rule # 3 – Be Sure He Gives You Rest
Naomi knew what’s more important than food or shelter. As Naomi started back to Palestine, she told her daughters not to come because they wouldn’t find husbands. What did Naomi wish for them? She said,
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
Naomi didn’t wish food, or shelter, or warmth, she didn’t wish romance, she wished rest. A woman needs food, shelter, warmth, love, praise, appreciation, protection, and conversation, but she also needs rest. Rule #2 is go where he goes, rule # 3 is be sure he gives you rest.
Women, given that you’re the tail on his kite, you better make sure this man will give you rest. If you rest in him, you won’t mind motorcycles in the living room; a woman can handle anything a man does if he convinces her that he loves her and treats her as Christ loves the church. A good husband and a bad husband cost you the same. The difference is that a good husband gives you rest so you don’t mind his cost. A bad husband doesn’t give you rest so he isn’t worth his cost. This is not physical love. This is a supportive, serving, caring, sacrificial love that a man decides to give you, it’s not emotional or physical.
Before marrying, you must know: does he give you rest, that is, does he love you and serve you as Christ loves and serves the church? Do you want him hanging around you? Can you rest with him in your house?
You still have to work, Ruth worked hard. This isn’t physical rest, its emotional rest, and a man owes it to his wife. Jesus said,
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
How does a wife find rest? A man can’t give his wife spiritual rest which comes from her belonging to Christ, but Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…” The rest Christ gives His people is like the rest men should give their wives. As men find rest in Christ, wives should find rest in husbands. Accepting salvation means taking Christ’s yoke upon you and trying to please Him.
Men, when a woman marries, she takes your yoke upon her. The married woman cares how she may please her husband (1 Cor. 7:34). Men, your wife put on the yoke of pleasing you, a woman can’t rest unless her man shows her over and over that he’s happy with her and resting in her. Women, be careful about rest. Some men don’t find rest in Christ, they think God has a checklist and waits to whack them if they step out of line or miss a box. Men who believe God’s a bully usually bully their wives and children, you don’t need that.
Husband, is your yoke easy, is your burden light? Are you meek and lowly in heart toward your wife? Do you make it easy for your wife to learn of you? She can’t know she’s pleasing you unless she knows you well. Do you spend hours and hours explaining the cares of your heart as you spend hours and hours in Bible reading to learn of Christ? Does your wife find rest unto her soul in your house? We’re to love our wives as Christ loves us, a husband’s obligations are plain, if difficult.
A wife can’t please her husband unless she knows his plans in detail. If he says, “Let’s go on a picnic,” her mind fills with questions. Where are they going? Are there bathrooms? Is there a playground? Is there a sandbox? How long will we be gone? How many diapers? How many meals? Should we bring swimsuits?
If she runs out of diapers, toys, or food, buying in a picnic spot is expensive and she’ll be criticized for poor planning. She can’t rest unless she knows the plan in detail.
Rest from Criticism
About a year before I found her, my wife thought she’d marry a man she’d known for several years. Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”
What was her mistake? She hadn’t guarded her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God! Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
Your heart defines your life, but you’re supposed to rule your feelings:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Keep your heart by giving it to God. Her boyfriend’s heart was not right toward her; criticism and ingratitude flowed from his mouth to her hurt. She didn’t want to go through that again. From the first, she tested me to see if I’d criticize her and I didn’t. When we visited her parents after our 3rd date, they knew that she’d changed. Her mother thought, “She feels safe with him. They’ll be married pretty soon.”
She did her very best not to love me while we were dating. I didn’t know she wasn’t in love when she agreed to marry me. I was interesting, I had a job, I was smitten, I gave her rest, I ruled her gently, I protected her, and she was convinced that I was the man God wanted her to marry. That was enough for her to marry.
The idea of marrying for love is maybe a century old. Before that, people married for duty. A farmer couldn’t eat unless a woman turned his crops into something edible, and a woman couldn’t farm. They needed each other. Love might or might not come. Love has strong days and weak days, but duty goes on until death.
God expects you to marry for duty and keep your heart until your man commits himself to you.
Loving her boyfriend showed that she’d come to love me. She asked that I never criticize her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me,” see page 37.
Women are unbelievably sensitive. Many of my wife’s friends say they get no praise at all from their husbands. “He’ll say he liked the dinner and he appreciated my taking care of his friends, but….” There’s always a “but.” Her friend is in such fear of the coming “but” that she can’t hear the praise. The world’s way of ending with the negative destroys. The Bible says “the fool … but the wise…” or “the wages of sin is death, but…” The negative comes first, then the positive. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife! As salvation is “Only believe,” marriage is “only praise” see page 41.
If you’ve given your wife rest, you can say, “That last plan didn’t work out as well as we expected…” Note the “we.” You are the leader and she probably did it to please you. If you take responsibility for what happened, the fact that it didn’t work well won’t hurt her as much.
Rest from Worry
A wife’s rest isn’t only physical, it’s emotional and spiritual, and the Book of Ruth shows how. Ruth and Naomi got to Palestine at the beginning of barley harvest (Ruth 1:22). They had no money, no job, and no food. Ruth went out to glean, that is, pick up what’s left by the harvesters. Boaz gave Ruth a taste of rest that day.
Have you watched farmers harvest crops by hand? I grew up in Japan in the 50’s. Japan was bombed flat during WW II, there was no farm machinery, men and women harvested grain by hand. It’s grinding, killing work. You cut the stalks at ground level because you need the straw. You bend over, cut a bunch, tie it into a sheaf, and put it in your bag. Then you do another and another, all day every day until it’s done.
Gleaning is worse. Harvesters get grain in bunches, gleaners find one stalk at a time. Scatter spaghetti all over the yard. You see a stick, you bend over, pick it up, straighten up, you walk a bit and see another and grab it – how long before you get enough for dinner, one stick at a time? Next time you buy groceries, thank God Almighty you don’t have to do as Ruth did by faith that God would give her enough to eat.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Faith is based on what we can’t see, it’s not fact until we look back and see what God did in caring for us.
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5 That happened when Ruth’s husband died.
It took great faith for Ruth to leave Moab for Israel when she’d been told she wouldn’t find a husband. When Ruth went to glean, Ruth 2:3 tells us “her hap was to light on a part of the field belonging unto Boaz.”
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 Something that seems bad can be a real test of faith.
“Hap,” means there was no reason Ruth could see to choose Boaz’s field to glean. We know she did it well.
And the servant that was set over the reapers answered and said, It is the Moabitish damsel that came back with Naomi out of the country of Moab: and she said, I pray you, let me glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves: so she came, and hath continued even from the morning until now, that she tarried a little in the house. Ruth 2:6-7
Ruth “continued even from the morning until now,” she worked hard.
Then said Boaz unto Ruth, Hearest thou not, my daughter? Go not to glean in another field, neither go from hence, but abide here fast by my maidens: let thine eyes be on the field that they do reap, and go thou after them: have I not charged the young men that they shall not touch thee? and when thou art athirst, go unto the vessels, and drink of that which the young men have drawn. Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger? Ruth 2:8-10
Boaz was kind to Ruth, he gave her water, he told his men to leave her alone, and she asked why. When a man’s nice, it’s a good idea for a woman to ask why, particularly when he tells other men to leave her alone. Instead of ignoring her as men often do when women ask “Why?” he opened his heart to her, he told her why:
And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. Ruth 2:11
Boaz cared for Ruth because she trusted God enough to travel to a strange land with no hope of marrying. He respected her character; he valued her trust in God. What a testimony in the town! He said:
The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:12
Boaz saw that Ruth’s faith was strong enough to overcome fear of starvation. When Naomi told Ruth who Boaz was, Ruth saw that God had guided her. That made her faith fact. We follow God in faith that obeying will work, then we look back and see how He made it work. Each step of faith makes the next step easier.
Boaz valuing Ruth’s faith is Biblical:
Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Why did Ruth go with Naomi? Naomi told her she wouldn’t find a husband and might starve without one. Ruth sought the kingdom of God first; it’s no surprise that all these things were added unto her.
So if you must marry, we have three rules of getting married: 1) seek ye first the kingdom of God in faith that God will guide you, 2) understand that you’re made for him so you’re the tail on his kite, and 3) make sure he values, respects, honors and appreciates you so that you can find rest in his house.
Marriage happens because women want a man’s appreciation and men can’t be in rest, but women need rest in marriage. When Boaz told the reapers to drop a few bundles of grain for her so she wouldn’t have to work as hard, Ruth knew that Boaz appreciated her and valued her enough to help her rest a bit.
The book of Genesis tells us a lot about how men and women get along. Consider Adam’s punishment:
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
How would Eve eat? By the sweat of Adam’s face. Until recently, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her and her children or she’d starve. Relationships are important to a woman: her tie to a man was life or death. That’s why it meant so much to Ruth when Boaz praised her walk with God. When Boaz fed her and had the reapers drop bundles for her, she rested in knowing he was inclined to feed her. That’s why she was glad to obey Naomi when Naomi told her to ask Boaz to marry her.
Starvation is rare now, but there’s another fear. A few months after we married, a colleague and I left work and realized we’d forgotten to discuss a problem. Instead of going back in, we talked in my car for several hours. When I got home, my wife was in tears. I didn't arrive when she expected, she called the office and was told I’d left. She thought something had happened to me. I was stunned, awed, and humbled to see how important I had become to her. I try to let her know where I am so she knows I'm okay.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4:18
A woman wants her love for her husband to be perfect. A man should never let her be tormented by fear.
Rest Through Praise and Appreciation
Which Bible passage says the most about how to have a happy marriage?
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Praise is important to women, read Solomon’s Song to learn how. Pr. 31 describes a virtuous woman so a man will know. Preachers say that there are few “Pr. 31 women,” but forget how Pr. 31 commands men.
Praise from husband and children is part of being a virtuous wife, it’s her due. Her works praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31). A woman can’t be a “Pr. 31 wife” without praise from a “Pr. 31 husband.” A man may work from sun to sun; a woman’s work is never done. How can she keep on keeping on? Praise is the gasoline that helps a woman go. Any man can praise and think about her needs.
If, for example, a husband puts the toilet seat down or takes a quick swipe to clean a sink before the goo hardens, his wife appreciates his thinking of her as much as she appreciates not having to do it herself.
Ruth 1:9 says a wife should find rest in the home of her husband, Ruth 2:11-12 and 3:10 show Boaz giving Ruth rest, Pr. 31:28-29 tells husbands to teach children to praise their mothers and to add praise of their own. The Song teaches a man to give his wife rest by praising her in mind-numbing detail many times per day.
Naomi’s command to “sit still” in Ruth 3:18 comes after Ruth came back from the harvest celebration, she’s all fired up, she’s going to get married even if she doesn’t know who. I don’t have daughters so I’m not sure what a young lady does when she thinks a man’s interested in her, but the Bible tells what Ruth did,
And she told her all that the man had done to her. Ruth 3:16
When the Bible says “all” it means “all.” I’ve been a husband since 1971; I know that when a woman tells “all,” she really tells all, women love details. Ruth told Naomi what Boaz was wearing, the tone of his voice, every word he said, and what she said, and where they were, and who was at the party, and what they all wore, and what they all said, and when she got done, Naomi could’ve been there.
Many men occasionally, well, not often, but occasionally, get a wee bit frustrated at their wives’ desire for detail. Me, too, I must confess, but over the years, I’ve learned that a woman’s concern for detail is of God for very good reasons. Here’s proof that a woman’s mind is of God:
A prudent wife is from the Lord Proverbs 19:14
“Prudence” means thinking, women think ahead in detail for good reason, a woman’s mind is from the Lord, the way your wife’s mind works is of God, don’t mess with her mind, guys, the way she thinks is of God!
All this detail, Naomi’s got the picture, what does she say?
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Ladies, that’s the best advice on getting married there is. “Sit still.” I say it again, “Sit still, do nothing, say nothing, just sit still.” That’s really all Naomi had to say. Ruth promised “wither thou goest I will go,” so Ruth had to obey Naomi as her own parent. Naomi was in charge just as your husband’s in charge after you marry, all Naomi had to say was “Sit still,” but Naomi went on. She added “my daughter,” to say, “I love you and I’m doing what’s best for you.” She explained, “For the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.” Learn from this, men. Paul told Philemon, “I have authority, I could command you but I’d rather persuade you.” As Naomi persuaded Ruth rather than commanding, as Paul persuaded Philemon rather than commanding, the Bible teaches that we should persuade our wives, our children, and everyone else rather than commanding (2 Cor. 5:11[219]), no matter how long it takes for them to understand.
That long? As long as it takes? Yeah, that long, and believe me, I know how long it can be. It’s not because women are difficult, the Bible says that women are made for men and that a wife wants to please her husband, but women think very differently from men, page 109. It takes time to understand what she’s saying, it takes time to explain what you want, and it takes time to persuade her that it’s best or for her to persuade you. God said that a woman’s mind is from Him. Men, be patient and longsuffering, her mind is of God.
You must persuade your children your ways are best or they’ll do something else when they leave home. If little kids don’t want to go to bed, you can pick them up, but what happens when they get bigger? You must punish rebellion, but you’ll have to persuade older kids that they need sleep, that they must dress warmly in winter, and, most important, that the Word of God is the key to a contented life. Knowing when to punish and when to persuade is a very difficult issue in parenting. You can’t force conviction through the world’s methods of command. All you can do is serve by example, persuade, and pray for conviction.
Naomi didn’t command Ruth to believe in God, she told Ruth to go home. Naomi had convinced Ruth about God so strongly that Ruth wanted God badly enough to go back to Palestine with her. You can’t just quote the Bible because it’s foolishness to unbelievers and to the religious who just prayed the prayer.
How can Jesus be both God and man? That’s illogical, you have to persuade people by testifying about what God has done for you and for other people, showing them His grace, pointing out the results of what friends do, walking by faith no matter what God brings into your life, and showing that you care for their souls.
God gives us soul liberty, even the liberty to choose to go to Hell. Provoking your followers to wrath as condemned in Ephesians 6:4 shows that you may have denied soul liberty. Extra prayer, humility, servant leadership, and searching the scripture are needed in those cases. Try to get a competition going to see who can humble themselves the most and serve the most as opposed to struggling to be top dog.
Rest from Physical Rest
We’ve shown the emotional rest Naomi described. God also commands that women be given physical rest.
Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean. And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised. And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days. Leviticus 12:2-5
Some complain that this is another of those ridiculous patriarchic passages that disrespect women. Why should giving birth, a natural, vital, and honorable process, make a woman unclean?
An unclean woman couldn’t wash dishes – they’d be unclean and nobody could eat off them. She couldn’t do laundry – the clothes would be unclean and nobody could wear them. She couldn’t do housework; she got time to rest and learn to know her new baby. She stayed home. This protects mothers and babies from infection.
“Man may work from sun to sun; women’s work is never done.” Women can be so driven to care for their homes and to try to please their men that they don’t get enough rest. Men should watch out for that. God could have told men to make sure that their wives were able to rest, but He made it a matter of ritual impurity instead. Maybe men wouldn’t have listened otherwise? Did He have to make it a matter of law?
Without infant formula, nursing was the only way to keep a baby alive. It’s a major milestone for a mother when her baby holds enough milk to sleep through the night. I’ve been told that girl babies often have a harder time settling down to nursing than boy babies and that girls are smaller at birth than boys. If girls have a harder time nursing and they’re smaller, it would take longer for a girl to sleep through the night.
If that’s true, God knows about it. He gave a mother more time off when she had a girl than when she had a boy, 70 days versus 40 days. The extra month made it more likely that the newborn girl would sleep through the night before the mother resumed her routine.
God honors women. Anna was the first to proclaim salvation (Luke 2:36-38[220]). A woman anointed Jesus’ body for burial (Mt. 26:12[221]). Pilate’s wife tried to persuade him not to crucify Jesus (Mt. 27:19[222]). Women were last at the cross (Mk. 15:47[223]) and first at the tomb (Jn. 20:1[224]). Women proclaimed the resurrection (Mt. 28:5-10). Women attended prayer meetings (Ac. 1:14[225]). Lydia was the first European to hear the missionaries, the first convert, offered lodging, and may have started a house church (Ac. 16:13-14).
Galatians 3:28 says, “there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” In modern culture, it’s hard for men and women to treat each other as people; gender attraction creeps into conversations. This leads to temptations and gives Satan an advantage.
Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:1-2
It’s good for men and women to share fellowship so long as they do it “with all purity” because they think so differently. Talking to other men showed my wife that I wasn’t nearly as strange as she’d thought.
These conversations must stay logical. Letting emotion into these talks opens impure doors. We can express emotions to the church body as a whole, but emoting to the opposite sex is dangerous.
Rule # 4 – Don’t Play Hard to Get, Be Hard to Get
Having looked at the necessity of persuasion and getting rest, let’s explore Naomi’s advice to women.
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Naomi’s advice to wait doesn’t mean that women have to be passive about wanting to marry, not at all. Ruth crashed the party (Ruth 3:1-5) and asked Boaz to marry her, but she had to choose the right time to ask.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; … a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. Ecclesiastes 3:1
Ruth had to wait because men are more focused than women. Mothers are easy to interrupt. When a baby chokes, mother had better hear no matter what or the baby dies. Men focus strongly and can get upset when interrupted if it’s important like getting the harvest in. If they didn’t harvest enough, some would starve before the next harvest.
Moreover the profit of the earth is for all: the king himself is served by the field. Ecclesiastes 5:9
If there’s no food, nobody eats, not even the king. Ruth waited until “his heart was merry,” then she “came softly.” Why was Boaz merry? He’d finished harvesting, there was enough food, he wouldn’t starve that year, and he could rest. He might even be able to think about marriage.
Men haven’t changed since Adam. What Naomi told Ruth was rule # 4, “Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get.” There’s a saying, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that zing!” What’s the zing that makes marriage happen? The man can’t rest. If he has rest, why marry?
Toy or Treasure
There are only two possible modes when a girl interacts with a guy: 1) she can be his toy or 2) she can be his treasure. You've seen a boy play with a truck. He pushes it this way and that, then, when he gets tired of it, he throws it away and grabs another. It’s hard on girls when boys get tired of them and throw them away.
Women want attention from men. If older women haven’t fulfilled God’s command to teach about men, they tend to end up in fornication. Even secular writers know that this can be damaging. “Unprotected” by Miriam Grossman which is discussed on page 24 explains that a woman usually becomes emotionally involved when she gives herself to a man. It hurts her deeply when she finds that she meant nothing to him, and that in his mind, she was just an interchangeable sex toy.
Any boy can play with her; only a man can take the responsibility to stay with her. Toy or treasure, play or stay are the only possibilities. If a girl doesn’t want to be treated like a toy, she must insist that he treat her as a treasure and potential wife from before the first date.
Whose are the Children?
There’s a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. When we were in the kid biz, a child might violate a rule, be called on it, and say, “Yes, I know.” If the child knew the rule, why break it? Because the rule was only head knowledge, it hadn’t gotten down into his heart.
One reason God made men so possessive was to give children fathers. If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman and she encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she gets pregnant, her children will also be his.
“Vasopressin [the neurochemical that affects a man’s brain as oxytocin affects a woman’s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate and attachment to his offspring. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding and bonding between fathers and children.”[226] [emphasis added]
Having my wife decide to belong to me changed everything. A woman told me, “You have cat tracks on your car.” She was asking a question, so I said, “They’re my wife’s cats.” Her questioning look got deeper, so I said, “Long ago, she made a conscious decision to belong to me. She’s mine, so her cats are mine.” Her face cleared, she nodded, and walked away.
A wife must be content to live on what her husband earns, encourage him in his career, and mother her children. Proverbs 31 was written to men. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish, cherish, and bless his future wife. This teaching takes more time and energy than career women can supply.
By the grace of God, a very few single mothers are able to raise children successfully, but this is rare.
Rule # 5 – Get Advice from a Godly Grandmother
Rule # 4, don’t play hard to get, be hard to get, gets to rule # 5, get advice from an older woman. Ruth had been married, she knew what men wanted, but she asked Naomi’s advice and followed it. Naomi told Ruth when to plant by gleaning with Boaz; Naomi told Ruth when to pluck up that which was planted by asking for marriage.
Women need advice about men; they usually mess up on their own. Ruth could’ve asked Boaz the day she got back, but Naomi had Ruth wait. Boaz was focused on the harvest; the last thing he wanted was wedding talk when he was worried about starving. Ruth waited until Boaz got to know her and until his “heart was merry;” when she asked him to marry her, he wanted to do it. Being wanted and appreciated gave Ruth rest.
When Naomi told Ruth to go to Boaz’ party even though she hadn’t been invited, Naomi told Ruth to get all dressed up:
Wash thyself therefore, and anoint thee, and put thy raiment upon thee, Ruth 3:3a
Boaz had gotten to know Ruth as she worked the harvest and he’d shown that he respected Ruth the day they met. Once Boaz respected her, then it was OK for Ruth to look attractive. Girls, it’s a bad idea for you to do anything special to attract a man’s attention at the beginning. Suppose it works, then what? What’ll you do when you’re too busy, or too tired, or too pregnant to do whatever it was that attracted him? Girls, unless a man comes after you on his own just the way God made you, God won’t want to give you to him.
If you worry too much about your looks, it’s easy for a man to flatter you and win your heart by saying you look good. Don’t we talk about a man “feeding her a line?” Seek to put on a meek and quiet spirit, page 53. A meek and quiet spirit is of great price in the eyes of God (I Peter 3:4[227]), and the right man treasures it too.
Does He Praise You and Value You?
You may not understand what a man means by what he says, particularly if you’re falling in love with him. You need your husband to appreciate you and that’s where you need advice. Tell an older woman what you say and what he says and she’ll help you figure out if he truly values you. Someone your age can’t help you with that.
Men, a woman can give a man physical rest under any circumstances but she can’t give her man rest unto his soul unless he first gives her rest. Your wife can’t make you any happier than you make her.
A woman can’t give her husband rest as often as he needs it unless she’s happy about belonging to him and giving him rest. She can’t be happy about belonging unless he values her, and it’s hard for him to value her if she gives him rest outside marriage. The Bible explains how a man should give his wife rest so that she can give him complete rest, but a woman can’t create rest or love by herself. A woman’s like a mirror, she magnifies her husband’s love and rest back to him, she’s not a light.
If her man makes her feel appreciated, if he makes her feel respected and valued, if he gives her peace and rest as Christ gives His people perfect peace and rest, she amplifies his rest and reflects enough love back to him to nourish the whole family. A wife can’t make rest from nothing; she can’t give rest if she isn’t given rest to begin with. How does a man give his wife rest? God explains:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
The Bible commands a husband to tell his wife that she’s far better than any other wife he knows. It also commands a man to sanctify his wife, that is, to set her apart from all other women:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, Ephesians 5:25-26
Does He Sanctify You
Men should sanctify wives as Christ sanctifies the church. Sanctification means “set apart,” a husband must know his wife well enough to separate her from other women, especially when taking her. Men get so intense that a woman may think, “Anybody would do.” Some men say, “All cats are gray in the dark.” This suggests that men don’t sanctify women even though Song 6:9 teaches a man to think of his wife as “but one.” Would God command men to sanctify wives if it were natural? It isn’t, a man must purpose in his heart to do it.
A man must possess his wife in sanctification. He must let her know he desires her as a person, a mind, a set of skills, a help meet, a companion, not just a body. If a wife doesn’t feel sanctified, she feels she’s fornicating because she could be any woman. A man sanctifies his wife by praising her in detail, read the Song. If he notices and praises small details, she feels he’s paying attention and that he values her.
Boaz couldn’t be in rest, he wanted Ruth, so he married her, took her, and she was his wife.
We have 4 of Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than a husband without God. 2) Know that you’re made for him, he’s not made for you, when he does what a man’s gotta do, you gotta clean up the mess. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you as Boaz respected and honored Ruth so you won’t mind cleaning up after him. 4) Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get. When he can’t be in rest, just let it happen, don’t give him rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice!
Rule # 6 – Make Sure He Opens His Heart to You
Hear it again, make sure he opens his heart to you. Women live and die by relationships. A wife relates to other women to share knowledge about how to raise children and how to keep husbands happy. A wife wants to know that the bonds are strong. It hurts her deeply if her husband won’t open his heart to her. For generations, a woman could live only by the sweat of her husband’s face. A woman whose relationship ended through death or desertion could starve. That’s why God gave special provision for widows and the fatherless.
God knows that opening his heart is as frightening for a man as opening her body can be for a woman so He wrote that it’s safe.
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven right here on earth, but few realize that she can make him no happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[228]). Few know how badly women need open hearts.
When Boaz opened his heart to Ruth and praised her Godliness the day they met, Ruth knew he respected and valued her. He told the young men not to mess with her, he protected her, he gave her water and lunch, he provided for her; she rested near him and worked with his people through the harvest. When she asked for his coat:
And he said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich. And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman. Ruth 3:10
Boaz liked Ruth asking him to marry her. He wanted her for her virtue, her character; everybody knew she was a virtuous woman. Don’t you think other women were interested in him? Boaz knew Ruth “followedst not young men” she wasn’t dating around. Boaz knew Ruth sought God. God made women for men. Boaz knew that a woman who works hard, acts modestly, and seeks God makes a good wife.
Society says beauty is the only thing that matters in women. Would you rather your husband praise your looks or that he value your walk with God? Boaz praised her character, he knew she sought God and valued her for it. You don’t want a man who doesn’t care whether you seek God no matter how attractive you are. If he only loves your looks, what will he do as you get older or pregnant and your looks fade?
A man won’t open his heart and won’t belong to you unless he respects you. “But,” you ask, “how will a man know to respect and honor me?” There are two ways, the right way and the wrong way. The wrong way is to date and hope he’ll respect you, maybe he’ll marry you. Dating doesn’t work. It teaches men to sample women instead of committing to them. Look around and see if your friends’ relationships are working. They generally aren’t. How do you do it differently?
My wife required that I respect her before the first date, see page 44.
Ask God About Him
You must know whether a man respects you before marrying. Boaz showed Ruth respect by opening his heart and taking care of her, but how do you know? There are two steps: ask God, then ask the man.
Ye have not, because ye ask not. James 4:2b
Women ask for very little and that’s often what they get; my wife asked for respect and became my treasure. It’s hard to be a Biblical wife without your husband’s cooperation. God promises wisdom if you ask Him (II Chron. 1:11[229], James 1:5[230]). Pray fervently that God will show your friend’s heart before you fall in love. Pray that God will reveal any reason you and he shouldn’t marry, and obey what God shows you.
If you let God choose your husband, He’ll give you to a man who delights in you. It hurts a woman to marry a man who isn’t pleased with her. She’ll try something, he’ll like it, she’ll do something similar, and he won’t like it. She’ll second-guess, “Last week, he liked this, he didn’t like that…” If you find yourself constantly changing and hoping to please him, he probably isn’t the right man - the right man appreciates you as God made you. You’ll have to change your ways as you and your husband grow into your new life together, but it’s not a good idea to marry a man if you find yourself changing your basic nature to try to please him.
Ask the Man to Show Himself
After you ask God whether he’ll give you rest, ask the man. You should have asked for respect from the beginning. If things look good, you’d better find out whether he respects your mind and your thought process before you’re too much in love to back out without being hurt.
God made you to be your husband’s help meet and you can’t help unless he explains what he wants. I Cor. 11:9 says that you were made for a man and Gen. 3:16 says that your desire is toward your husband. How did God do this? How did God overcome your desire for independence and make you want to please a man? God gave you and almost all women an intense desire for a man’s praise.
You want to please your husband (I Cor. 7:34[231]), but you can’t please him without knowing him. The Bible commands honoring your husband; it forbids fornication, theft, and adultery. In areas such as the car you drive or the school you attend, however, God gives His people liberty to use our intelligence and free will.
As you and your husband make decisions, you’ll feel left out unless he asks your views and draws on your knowledge. It’s childish for a man to ignore his wife’s gifts and knowledge in making decisions (Mt. 27:19[232]). God gave you a different way of thinking so that you could help him more effectively. Your womanly point of view helps make it less likely that you’ll overlook possibilities. What doesn’t occur to him may suggest itself to you, and vice versa, but you can’t help him if he won’t listen to you.
Ask his views on coffee, dancing, movies, rock music, Bible versions, spanking, TV, or women wearing trousers to see if he discusses issues with you or just tells you. A woman has a hard time telling flattery from praise, it’s hard to tell whether he wants to toy with you or is planning for you to be his treasured wife. If you tell an older woman what he says, she can tell a man who treasures you from a man who’s toying with you. A friend your age can’t do it; Naomi was a generation older than Ruth.
Ask him what Jacob should have done when he awoke and “Behold, it was Leah,” (Gen. 29:25). Most men say Jacob was right to demand Rachel because she was beautiful, but God looks on the heart instead of appearance. God let Laban trick Jacob into taking Leah to wife. All things work together for good to them who are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28). Should Jacob have let God order his steps (Ps. 37:23[233])?
God doesn’t force people to follow His will. Jacob got what Jacob wanted (Ps. 106:15[234]), but he had four jealous women fighting for his attention. All but two of his children knew their father didn’t love their mother, how did that turn out? Contentment comes from yielding to the Master. Godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Tim. 6:6), and Jacob found little contentment. Should he have been content with Leah?
Discuss Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5:1-11. Ananias wanted to keep back money, they discussed it, she agreed, they were struck dead. Some say they were co-conspirators, but the use of singular and plural in the passage shows that it was his idea and his wife agreed; that’s what submission is. A husband should get his wife’s agreement when making decisions. Sapphira was submitting to her husband’s idea when she was struck dead, does this teach that there are limits to your submission? Romans 14:23 says, “whatsoever is not of faith is sin,” commanding you to do things you don’t agree with forces you to sin because you can’t have faith in what you do. You need to know whether he believes there are limits to your submission. Should you marry a man who believes that God wants you to obey him without question no matter what?
Ask him why God put this verse in the Bible:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Most men ridicule the idea of acting on a wife’s dreams, but Pilate should have listened to his wife. Does God ever try to tell a husband something by telling his wife (Judges 13:2-13)?
You need to know his beliefs of what women are. Men have two views of women, “last in creation, first in the fall” or “last at the cross, first at the tomb.” The first blames women for the fall as Adam blamed God for giving him Eve; everything that ever goes wrong is her fault:
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
A man who believes this thinks he’d be OK if his wife didn’t lure him into sin. The nicer she tries to be, the subtler he thinks Satan is and the harder he resists her. A woman who marries such a man dies inside.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
She yearns to please her husband and can’t, her bones dry and you see death in her eyes. But it’s a lie!
There are two views of women: 1) last in creation, first in the fall and 2) last at the cross, first at the tomb. Which is true?
This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. Genesis 5:1-2
For Adam was first formed, then Eve… I Timothy 2:13
Eve wasn’t last in creation; they were created the same day as one flesh in the image of God. They were one flesh while Adam named the animals. God then separated Eve out of Adam’s body into her own form. A wife finishes her husband’s image of God when they become one flesh.
Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: … For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Romans 5:12, 19
Eve didn’t cause the fall, “one man” did after they were separated into a man and a woman; Adam caused the fall. The 1st view of women is false. The 2nd view is Biblical; women were last at the cross and first at the tomb. Which way do you want your husband to think about you?
Ask who misquoted God. God formed Eve to help Adam after telling him not to eat from the tree of knowledge (Gen. 2:15-18[235]); Eve didn’t hear it from God. She added “neither shall ye touch it (Gen. 3:3)”[236] to what God said. Did Adam add to what God told him when he told Eve what God had said? Ex. 19:10-11, 15[237] shows that Moses added “come not at your wives” to what God told him. What Moses said was wrong: coming at their wives would not defile them (Heb. 13:4a[238]). Did Adam add to what God said as Moses did? If a prospective husband insists that Eve misquoted God even knowing what Moses did and that the Bible doesn’t say, can you follow him? Scripture says that a wife is a gift from God (Pro. 18:22[239], Mt. 7:11[240], Jas. 1:17[241]). Can he say from his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you?”
You need to understand his thought process. Does he listen to your views, combining your knowledge, experience, and beliefs with his, or does he shut off discussion, saying, “That’s the way it is”?
If he’ll discuss the Bible with you, not lecture you, but discuss it back and forth, if he honors what you find in the Bible, to gently point out areas where you and he disagree, to work hard to bring agreement, to respect your views when making decisions and to honor your walk with God, you’ll be able to accept his leadership. You’ll have trouble resting in him if he won’t explain himself or if you can’t respect him.
Conclusion
Here are Ruth’s Rules for marriage: 1) Seek ye first the kingdom of God, it’s better to have God and no husband than to have a husband without God. 2) Realize that you’re made for him and he’s not made for you. You’re the tail on his kite, so you’d better be sure his kite has a string. If he has a string, the two of you can soar together, but if he has no string, you’ll bump along the ground and get all muddy. 3) Wait for a man who respects and honors you so you find rest in cleaning up after him and in belonging to him. 4) Be hard to get, don’t give a man rest outside marriage. 5) Get advice from an older woman no matter how old you are. 6) Make sure he listens to you by opening his heart to you and that he accepts your need to talk all your days.
Ruth also knew that Boaz was a mature, hard worker from watching him during the harvest. You need a man who’s mature enough to see what has to be done and does it without nagging.
Pr. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his future wife. Working mothers don’t have the time or the emotional energy to do that, so you’ll have to explain your needs.
You probably won’t meet a man who knows your reputation, so you’ll have to declare that you’re a treasure up front and prove it by acting like a treasure. Treasures dress modestly instead of dressing in marketing mode and they don’t “date around” or flirt.
Make sure he respects your thoughts enough to give you rest, we’ve given ways to see if he respects what the Holy Spirit gives you. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him, but it’s hard for a wife to be a treasure for a man who won’t give her rest.
This can help fix broken marriages. Very few women declare that they’re treasures. A woman should declare herself before even dating, but it’s never too late to declare that God meant you to be your husband’s treasure and start acting like it without nagging (1 Pe. 3:1-2[242]). A man can start treasuring his wife and appreciating her as taught in the Song of Solomon and Proverbs 31:28-30. Remember, nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife, not even once.
Can he say with all his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If a man lives by that from the moment you meet until the day he dies, you will rest in belonging to him, and you can give him comfort the same way Rebekah comforted Isaac (Gen. 24:67[243]). Solomon explained how to find joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
He can’t rejoice with you unless he’s mature enough to give you something to rejoice about. You can't make your husband any happier than he makes you. How happy does he want to be?
Ch. 13 – How Intimacy Changes Your Brain
God seldom explains the reasons for His commands, He expects us to obey by faith.
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
We now have scientific explanations for God’s rules about morality.
Hooked: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development https://a.co/d/23NZaPL explains how hormones produced when couples interact change our brains to bind partners together. This agrees with Scripture and explains God’s commands men and women to marry before coming together. Those commands take 5 or 10 verses in the Bible. Hooked has 173 pages. If God explained the reason for each of His commands, the Bible would be far too big for hand-copying.
The preface explains that Hooked contradicts popular narratives:
“There are a lot of people who won’t like this book because it explains why sex should occur in appropriate settings, what those settings are, and how scientific evidence today confirms these findings. . . . It provides a needed science and medical perspective to a solution often discounted as a moral, religious, or political issue. Indeed, sex preserved for the context of marriage is still the optimal decision for physical mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health.” [emphasis added]
[Holy Matrimony where spouses choose to praise each other and serve each other] greatly increases the chance for a child to be raised in a nurturing two-parent home, which studies have shown provides a child the most advantageous environment for growing into his or her potential.[244] [emphasis added]
Any interaction between a man and a woman can trigger neurochemicals which change their brains and make them want more. These drives are essential for human reproduction. In marriage, sex can “addict” husband and wife to be content to live together all their days.
“Those who abstain from sex until marriage significantly add to their chance for avoiding problems and finding happiness.”[245]
“The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are ‘designed’ to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter”[246] [emphasis added]
“But the beneficial effect of dopamine [a pleasure-giving hormone that is released during sex] for the married couple is that sex may play a role in ‘addicting’ them to each other and thus reinforcing their desire to remain together year after year.”[247] [emphasis added]
Don’t Touch until after Marriage
Some tell women not to kiss because kissing may give a man ideas. That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When both parties have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.[248] [emphasis added]
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited. We had to talk through our disagreements. We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[249]
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex.”[250]
Sexual interaction can bind women into harmful relationships:
Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate. Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship. She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can’t make herself separate. This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive.[251] [emphasis added]
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[252]). Giving herself to a man binds her to him. Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly. Breaking up can make it hard for either of them to form strong marriage bonds later.
“I was so naïve he said we wouldn’t go all the way but he kept pushing and we finally did it. Now I care about him but am angry at him all at the same time. I don’t know if I can ever trust him fully again.”[253]
How can a woman follow a man or belong to a man whom she doesn’t trust? If he took her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women? If she gave herself without marriage, how can he trust her not to do it again with someone else? Distrust is not a good foundation for a marriage. If he can have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have?
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[254] [emphasis added]
The pill lets people treat sex as nothing more than play. This harms women. A woman wants to be valued for far more than sex and can become depressed when she finds that a boy saw her as just a sex toy, see “Unprotected” page 24. Being repeatedly discarded can make it hard for a woman to trust any future husband enough to give herself to him as freely and as joyfully as God and her husband expect.
God generally arranges that men die before their wives because it is not good for a man to be alone and because women are better able to comfort a widow than men can comfort a widower. The “measurable physical benefits” of sex help a husband live longer which shortens his wife’s time of widowhood.
David and Bathsheba
“The individual who goes from sex partner to sex partner is causing his brain to mold and gel so that it eventually begins accepting that sexual pattern as normal. . . . The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals. Although oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine continue to be released with sexual intimacy, the physical rut that is formed between the synapses [brain cell connections] subconsciously influences the continuation of the promiscuous behavior. The conflict between the natural behavior and the learned behavior can result, in some cases, in a boredom with sex itself.”[255] [emphasis added]
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
Ecc. 2 lists many things that gave Solomon no joy, but Ecc. 9:9 promises joy in loving “the wife” whom you love. Why couldn’t Solomon find joy with any of his 1,000 women? Why did David commit adultery with Bathsheba when he had so many wives? “Hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again” damaged their ability to bond to anyone and led them to seek new adventures, Solomon in idolatry, David in adultery:
“When connectedness and bonding form again and then are quickly broken and replaced with another sexual relationship, it seems to cause damage to the brain’s natural connecting or bonding mechanism.”[256]
Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold. Deuteronomy 17:17
God criticized David for wanting more than God had given him:
And I gave thee thy master’s house, and thy master’s wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things. 9Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon. 10Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife.
II Samuel 12:8-10
Men Must Possess Their Wives in Honor, Not in Lust
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:4-5
“. . . the finding that the brain centers that produce feelings of romance and love are different and separate from the brain centers responsible for lust is a huge warning to adolescents and young adults. A selfish and manipulative person may have an intense desire to have sex with another person. To accomplish that goal, they may lie about being in love. It is important to know that the desire someone has for sex can exist without any feelings of caring, love or romance.”[257] [emphasis added]
“. . . they[women] say that they ‘give’ sex for security”[258]
A woman must know the difference between a man wanting her and a man valuing her enough to commit his life to caring for her. She probably won’t be able to tell without what he says to her and how he behaves toward her with an older woman.
Few Treat Others As People Instead Of Treating Them As Men And Women
The Bible tells us how unmarried people should interact:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
I kept my first talk with my future wife person to person. From a transcript, you wouldn’t know whether it was a girl missionary kid talking to an American boy or a boy talking to an American girl. Once I knew that she was saved and that she was smart enough to be worth my time, I flipped our talk to man-woman and told her I was going to date her. I didn’t know that just being close to me could trigger her emotions.
“If a young woman becomes physically close to and hugs a man, it will trigger the bonding process, creating a greater desire to be near him. . . . if he wants to escalate the physical nature of the relationship, it will become harder and harder for her to say no.”[259] [emphasis added]
“When two people touch each other in a warm, meaningful, and intimate way, oxytocin is released into the woman’s brain. The oxytocin in the brain does two things: increases a woman’s desire for more touches and can begin producing bonding of the woman to the man she has been spending time in physical contact with, as her brain begins to be molded to connect her to the man.”[260] [emphasis added]
A woman’s desire to give herself to a man she knows and who touches her is strongest during the fertile part of her monthly cycle:
There was a statistically significant difference between peri-ovulatory and luteal values for all examined outcome variables of interest, wherein levels of sexual desire, activity and arousal were higher in the peri-ovulatory phase[261] relative to the luteal phase.[262]
Men are aroused all the time and learn how to control it. Women aren’t used to such feelings and can lose control when aroused. Page 60 tells how my wife-to-be couldn’t control herself after her hormones took charge when I gave an ill-advised hug and kiss shortly before we were married. Girls need to be warned that they can lose control of their desires by getting too close to a man. Her purity depends on his character when that happens. He will say she wanted it.
A woman’s cycle also affects how much men are attracted to her.
Eighteen dancers recorded their menstrual periods, work shifts, and tip earnings for 60 days on a study web site. A mixed-model analysis . . . of about 5300 lap dances showed an interaction between cycle phase and hormonal contraception use. Normally cycling participants earned about US$335 per 5-h shift during estrus, US$260 per shift during the luteal phase, and US$185 per shift during menstruation. By contrast, participants using contraceptive pills showed no estrous earnings peak, averaging US$193 per shift.[263]
Fertility changed their dances enough that men gave higher tips than when they weren’t fertile. Other studies confirm that men can sense the best times to push for sex:
We review evidence supporting the notion that men are capable of detecting women's fertility cues and that exposure to those cues functionally shapes men's mate-seeking and relationship maintenance psychology and behavior.[264]
A Japanese study identified specific chemicals in female body order that increase during fertile periods. Men found the smell of these chemicals very attractive and the smells also relaxed the men.[265]
There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk or behavior between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage. Men and women can converse as people by avoiding man-woman thoughts or emotions. Your spouse is the only person in the world whose sex should matter to you.
Man-woman talk is dangerous at work. You must please your boss to keep a job. It’s common for a woman to please a male boss or a man to please a female boss just a little too much. This can lead to adultery or divorce, but starts with talk that doesn’t meet God’s standards of purity.
Other Reports Which Show How God Did What He Did
Other research builds on the neurological mechanisms behind the binding effects described in Hooked.
Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood
Many mothers suffer from depression after giving birth. This can severely limit a woman’s ability to function as an effective wife and mother. God gave a way to reduce this and commands women to use it. Vaginal exposure to semen elevates women’s mood[266] explains:
- One study found that women whose vaginas were exposed to semen (i.e., ones who reported “never” using condoms) showed significantly better mood.
- The positive effects of semen on mood include fewer bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts.
- The effect of semen on mood could be advantageous for sexually active women over age 50 who experience menopausal blues.
...sperm comprise only about 3 percent of semen. The rest is
seminal fluid: mostly water, plus about 50 compounds: sugar (to nourish sperm),
immunosuppressants (to keep women’s immune systems from destroying sperm), and
oddly, two female sex hormones, and many mood-elevating compounds:
endorphins, estrone, prolactin, oxytocin, thyrotrpin-releasing hormone, and
serotonin.
Vaginal tissue is very absorptive. It’s richly endowed with blood and
lymph vessels. [emphasis added]
9 Surprising Things To Know About Semen
“Another way a partner can be allergic to their partner’s semen is if she has an allergy to a particular food or antibiotic, for example, and the male partner has eaten the food or is taking the antibiotic to which she is allergic,” Dr. Reitano added. “The allergen accumulates in the male’s semen, and when it is placed in the vagina, the allergen is absorbed into the bloodstream. The female partner may develop widespread hives or worse.” https://www.health.com/sex/semen-facts [emphasis added]
Britannica Confirms That Semen Contains Hormones
Semen, also known as seminal fluid, is discussed here https://www.britannica.com/science/semen
Fluids contributed by the seminal vesicles are approximately 60 percent of the total semen volume; these fluids contain fructose, amino acids, citric acid, phosphorus, potassium, and hormones known as prostaglandins. See Prostaglandin https://www.britannica.com/science/prostaglandin
[1] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[2] All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. John 1:3
[3] And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world. Revelation 13:8
[4] Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world, but was manifest in these last times for you, I Peter 1:20
[5] O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
[6] Unwin, J. D. (1927). "Monogamy as a Condition of Social Energy,” The Hibbert Journal, Vol. XXV, p. 662
[7] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[8] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[9] Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. I Thessalonians 5:11
[10] And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
[11] She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. John 8:11
[12] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[13] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[14] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[15] This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; 2Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. Genesis 5:1-2
[16] And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. Matthew 7:23
[17] We have a friend who let a colleague know she’d like to get to know him. On their way to her apartment after dinner, he offered to drop by his place to “Show you something.” He gave her a drink. The next thing she remembers was waking up on her bed at her apartment. She realized she’d been raped.
[18] Be sure to ask God before getting emotionally involved with any man, page 178.
[19] See “threesome” on page 35.
[20] See Naomi’s advice to Ruth on getting married, page 23.
[21] Unwin, J. D. (1927). Monogamy as a Condition of Social Energy, The Hibbert Journal, Vol. XXV, p. 662
[22] See “Don’t Respect,” page 49.
[23] “Not in Lust” on page 82 discusses the scientific difference between love and lust.
[24] See “As People” on page 83 for an explanation how men and women should interact.
[25] 80-90% on page 15 explains why it’s a bad idea to play man-woman games too early.
[26] “See Marriage Differently” on page 61 goes further into the different views.
[27] “God Draws” on page 43 explains the importance of connecting in the way your spouse expects even if it’s very different from the way you prefer to connect.
[28] “Isaac Loved Rebekah” on page 22 discusses advice how to stay married.
[29] “Feel Safe” on page 28 explains how to make each other feel safe in being together.
[30] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[31] “physically close” on page 83 shows how quickly your desire can take hold of you.
[32] “women suffer more” on page 28 shows why women are hurt more than men.
[33] “Think Different” on page 139 discusses the different ways men and women think.
[34] “Vasopressin” on page 40 shows how giving yourself to him connects him to you.
[35] “Toy or Treasure” on page 173 explains how to be sure he treats you as a treasure.
[36] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Malachi 2:15a
[37] “When God gives” on page 16 explains that God created you to help your husband.
[38] “can’t please” on page 164 explains why you need all the details of any plan.
[39] “Servant Leadership” on page 32 tells how God expects him to lead and you to follow.
[40] “Men Must Possess” on page 84 discusses God’s command that he know you well enough to consider your wants, needs, and feelings. That requires a lot of talk.
[41] “Opens His Heart” on page 179 discusses ways to make sure he does this.
[42] “Nothing straightens a man up like having a woman lean on him.” – old saying
[43] And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. Matthew 7:23
[44] “Think Different” on page 143 shows how differently men and women think.
[45] “Servant Leadership” on page 36 shows that God expects leaders to serve followers.
[46] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song 1:2
[47] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[48] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[49] If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35b
[50] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:42-44
[51] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[52] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[53] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[54] And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
[55] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, Titus 2:4
[56] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
[57] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[58] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
[59] And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. II Corinthians 1:6
[60] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[61] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[62]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[63] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Cor. 11:9
[64] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
[65] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[66] See “trigger her desires” on page 60 for more information about the damage done by having sex before marriage.
[67] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[68] let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31b
[69] Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. II Corinthians 1:4
[70] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
[71] Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. Titus 2:6
[72] Fisher, Anatomy of Love, p 21-23
[73] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[74] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[75] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[76] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[77] Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: John 20:21-22
[78] This means behavior, not talk.
[79] There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
[80] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[81] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song 1:2
[82] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[83] Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 2:6-8
[84] This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; 2Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. Genesis 5:1-2
[85] There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
[86] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Ephesians 5:22
[87] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: I Peter 3:5
[88] Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant
[89] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[90] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 35, citing W. B. Wilcox, J. R. Anderson, W. Doherty et al., “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences” (New York, Institute for American values National Marriage Project, 2011).
[91] But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: I Peter 3:15
[92] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[93] I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. 7So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase. 8Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour. 9For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:6-9
[94] Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our LORD: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10
[95] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[96] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
[97] Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. Titus 2:6
[98] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24
[99] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[100] The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house. Genesis 12:15
[101] And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us. Genesis 26:10
[102] So it came to pass, when the king's commandment and his decree was heard, and when many maidens were gathered together unto Shushan the palace, to the custody of Hegai, that Esther was brought also unto the king's house, to the custody of Hegai, keeper of the women. Esther 2:8
[103] And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house. II Samuel 11:4
[104] Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
[105] And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart Judges 16:18a
[106] For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself. Genesis 24:65
[107] And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. Genesis 26:7
[108] And the servant brought forth jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment, and gave them to Rebekah: he gave also to her brother and to her mother precious things. Genesis 24:53
[109] And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. 12The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:11-12
[110] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[111] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. Genesis 2:15 In this context, “keep” means “protect.”
[112] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[113] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[114] Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, 17th series, pages not numbered. Ripley also reported a Scottish town where a would-be groom proved his desire by risking his life balancing on one foot on the edge of a windswept cliff for 30 seconds as her father watched.
[115] https://www.history.com/news/chivalry-knights-middle-ages
[116] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[117] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[118] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 36
[119] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[120] As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
[121] For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
[122] For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
[123] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[124] This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
[125] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Mark 7:6
[126] A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
[127] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[128] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[129] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[130] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[131] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[132] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[133] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[134] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[135] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[136] That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; I Thessalonians 4:4
[137] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[138] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
[139] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[140] If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. Exodus 21:10
[141] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[142] And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:44
[143] I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. Romans 12:1
[144] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2013/10/why-johnny-lingo-paid-eight-cows-for.html
[145] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[146] And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
[147] And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
[148] Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. Matthew 22:37
[149] And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
[150] And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
[151] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[152] A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13
[153] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[154] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[155] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[156] A person who was deliberately abused as a child or in an earlier relationship may have a hard time believing in good faith. In such cases, we can’t forgive in our own strength, we must ask God for strength to forgive, page 88, and urge the offender to seek God’s forgiveness. Jesus Forgives More Than We Can Understand on page 6 shows how He forgave His disciples when they went fishing instead of starting His church. He will forgive anyone who chooses to believe in Him and asks for His help.
[157] Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
[158] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[159] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[160] Time Magazine, March 13, 2017, p 23
[161] Since Adam’s sin brought sin into the world, some people abuse their spouses and children, causing emotional or physical hurt deliberately. Abuse situations are very difficult to cure unless the abuser accepts the forgiveness of Christ and repents. The Apostle Peter advised that abusers may be won “without the word” by seeing forgiveness and love (1 Peter 3:1-2).
[162] Behold, every one that useth proverbs shall use this proverb against thee, saying, As is the mother, so is her daughter. Ezekiel 16:44
[163] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[164] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
[165] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen who found that men want to solve problems whereas women seek affirmation that they’ve been understood. She also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[166] Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. But they said, We will not walk therein. Jeremiah 6:16
[167] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
[168] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[169] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[170] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
[171] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[172] But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. I Timothy 5:8
[173] And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart. I Kings 11:3
[174] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[175] Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold. Deuteronomy 17:17
[176] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[177] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[178] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[179] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[180] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[181] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[182] A woman posted a note, “After years of marriage, I realized that when my husband talks, he means exactly what the words mean, nothing less and nothing more. That makes it very hard for him to understand what I’m saying.”
[183] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[184] This is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen (https://a.co/d/0SiJvt1) who found that men want to solve problems; women want to know that they’ve been understood. She also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant” (https://a.co/d/fPtIrOQ)
[185] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18, 20
[186] Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. I Thessalonians 5:11
[187] And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
[188] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[189] https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-politicization-of-motherhood-1509144044
[190] https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/new-science-motherhood-180977456/
[191] And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand. Judges 16:18
[192] https://towardsdatascience.com/can-we-let-algorithm-take-decisions-we-cannot-explain-a4e8e51e2060
[193] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen (https://a.co/d/iIBjYYs), she also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[194] https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/04/190411154728.htm
[195] https://www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-mens-and-womens-brains-wired-differently-120713
[196] https://www.medicaldaily.com/brain-facts-know-and-share-men-have-lower-percentage-gray-matter-women-292530
[197] https://goflightmedicine.com/on-combat/
[198] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6422548/
[199] https://www.medicaldaily.com/menstruation-and-female-brain-how-fluctuating-hormone-levels-impact-cognitive-341788
[200] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4285578/
[201] If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
[202] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
[203] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[204] And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. Genesis 2:21-22
[205] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
[206] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
[207] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[208] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[209] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:3-5
[210] But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me. Luke 10:40
[211] And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse; Matthew 1:5
[212] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
[213] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[214] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:6
[215] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[216] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[217] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[218] Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. Proverbs 31:23
[219] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences. II Corinthians 5:11
[220] And there was one Anna, a prophetess, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Aser: she was of a great age, and had lived with an husband seven years from her virginity; 37And she was a widow of about fourscore and four years, which departed not from the temple, but served God with fastings and prayers night and day. 38And she coming in that instant gave thanks likewise unto the Lord, and spake of him to all them that looked for redemption in Jerusalem. Luke 2:36-38
[221] For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Matthew 26:12
[222] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[223] And Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joses beheld where he was laid. Mark 15:47
[224] The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre. John 20:1
[225] These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren. Acts 1:14
[226] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[227] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3:4
[228] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[229] And God said to Solomon, Because this was in thine heart, and thou hast not asked riches, wealth, or honour, nor the life of thine enemies, neither yet hast asked long life; but hast asked wisdom and knowledge for thyself, that thou mayest judge my people, over whom I have made thee king: II Chronicles 1:11
[230] If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
[231] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[232] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[233] The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Psalm 37:23
[234] And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
[235] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. 16And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. 18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help[235] meet for him. Genesis 2:15-18
[236] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. Genesis 3:3
[237] And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, 11And be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. 15And he said unto the people, Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives. Exodus 19:10-11, 15
[238] Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: Hebrews 13:4a
[239] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[240] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[241] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[242] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. I Peter 3:1-2
[243] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[244] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 35, citing W. B. Wilcox, J. R. Anderson, W. Doherty et al., “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences” (New York, Institute for American values National Marriage Project, 2011).
[245] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 132
[246] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[247] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 33
[248] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[249] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[250] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[251] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 36
[252] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[253] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 108
[254] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[255] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[256] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Fisher, Anatomy of Love, PP 151-152
[257] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 65 quoting L. M. Diamond and J. A. Nickerson, “The Neuroimaging of Love and Desire: Review and Future Directions,” Clinical Neuropsychiatry 9, no. 1 (2012): pp 36-46
[258] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 62 quoting Regnerus and Uecker, premarital Sex in America, p 106
[259] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37 quoting I. Schneiderman, O. Zagoory-Sharon, J. F. Leckman, and R. Feldman, “Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity,” Psychoneuroendocrinology 37 no 8 (Aug 2012): 1277-85
[260] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 pp 34-35
[261] The part of a woman’s cycle when she is most likely to become pregnant.
[262] Urszula M. Marcinkowska, Talia Shirazi, Magdalena Mijas & James R. Roney (2023) Hormonal Underpinnings of the Variation in Sexual Desire, Arousal and Activity Throughout the Menstrual Cycle – A Multifaceted Approach, The Journal of Sex Research, 60:9, 1297-1303, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2022.2110558 page 1299
[263] Jordan, Brent. “Ovulatory Cycle Effects on Tip Earnings by Lap Dancers: Economic Evidence for Human Estrus?.” Evolution and Human Behavior, 2007.
[264] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-10209-005
[265] https://medicalxpress.com/news/2025-07-female-body-odor-ovulation-elicit.html
[266] https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant
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