Sound Bite Marriage
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Marriage is Simpler Than We Think
God ordained both salvation and marriage. If you try to go to Heaven your own way, you go to Hell when you die. If you try to do marriage your own way, you can make life Hell on earth, but if you do it God’s way, you can give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
The foundation of joyful Holy Matrimony is both parties being convinced in their bones that God is good.
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8, 15, 21, 31
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
The man must believe that everything about his wife that irritates him is from God to bless him. His wife must believe that everything about him that drives her crazy is from God to bless her. If you can’t see how your spouse blesses you, that’s your problem, not God’s. It may take years of praying for wisdom to see how you’re blessed, but the way God made men and women blesses both.
God-ordained marriage is simple. Salvation is 2 words, sexuality is 3, getting married is 3, staying married is 2 words, etc. You can explain both salvation and marriage in one minute, page 25.
People can’t drive cars without being taught. How can marriage bring joy without learning God’s Simple Plan of Marriage?
Learning God’s path to joy in marriage is worth great investment in time, thought, toil, and talk. This book will start a couple talking and praying about their expectations so that the joy they find in their marriage will shine a light to a lost and dying world. 30-Oct-24
Table of Contents
Marriage is Simpler Than We Think. ii
Dwelling According to Knowledge. 8
Husband Leads in Appreciation. 10
Wife Respects Her Husband and Guides His House. 11
Never Criticize Your Spouse. 14
Forget Independent Life and Serve Each Other. 15
Sharing Knowledge when Making Decisions. 16
Let Us Reason Together, Saith the Lord. 23
Love God with Perfect Hearts. 29
Enter Holy Matrimony with One Perfect Heart 30
The Weight of Biblical Marriage Vows. 39
A Glorious Wife, Without Spot or Wrinkle. 43
Making Your Spouse Feel Safe In Marriage To You. 45
Thou Shalt Love the Lord Thy God. 49
God wants to bless us, but His holiness means that He can’t bless us unless we fear Him and obey Him always:
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? Luke 6:46
If ye love me, keep my commandments. 21He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him. John 14:15, 21
God expects each of you to love Him, page 49. If you love God more than you love your spouse, God can shape you to be the best spouse you can be (Heb. 12:6-8[1]). That makes your spouse happy which makes you both happy. Your joyful marriage shows Christ to the lost.
Following God’s path not only gives you joy in this life, it determines your rewards in the next life (Jn. 12:47-48[2]).
Sound Bite Marriage
· Accepting salvation is two words: “only believe (Ro. 10:9[3]).” You must choose to believe!
· God’s 3-word rule for when a man and woman may come together physically is 50% more complex, “Only in marriage (1 Cor. 7:1-2[4]).”
· Entering Holy Matrimony is three words, “vowing, paying, taking” (Gen. 24:67[5], Ru. 4:13a[6]).” Boaz and Isaac made public marriage vows[7] before taking their wives. Isaac supplied the tent and Boaz had wealth.
· Staying married is two words, “only praise (p 13).” Nowhere in Scripture does a man criticize his wife. The Song shows a couple praising every detail about each other. Marriage works if couples never complain and never throw angry words at each other. Couples must rule their tongues (Pr. 25:28[8], Jas. 1:26[9]) and have an attitude of gratitude for each other, page 5.
· Marriage is built on “seed and speech (1 Cor. 7:3-4[10], 1 Pe. 3:7[11]).” A husband wants his wife to welcome his seed 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.[12] He seldom has that much strength, but that’s his plan (Ge.29:21[13]). She wants him to welcome her speech in deep open-hearted talk at least that often.
· He enters into her body. Her words, thoughts, feelings, nature, and knowledge enter his heart.
Husbands and wives express their deepest desires differently. Wives communicate heart-to-heart; husbands communicate belly-to-belly.
He leaves his seed in her body where it calms her and can give her a baby. She leaves her essence, her being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about her, how he treats her, and how they relate to others (1 Pe. 3:711).
People can tell whether a couple belongs to each other by watching them or hearing them. When lost people see a Christian couple sharing God’s love, forgiveness , and grace, they’ll want it! God honors us by letting us labor together with Him (1 Cor. 3:9 [14]) to tell them how to receive His grace for themselves!
She wants to hear him thanking God for creating marriage and thanking her for giving herself to him. He must show (1 Jn. 3:18[15]) her she’s important to him.
He wants her to say, “That was wonderful, I like belonging to you. Let’s do that again as soon as you can.” This encourages him to stay awake and talk for a while.
She wants him to say how much her ideas help him make decisions. She can point out that they could do it more often if he was in better shape. Exercise helps him live longer and shortens her time of being a widow.
He wants her to offer herself when he hasn’t asked; she wants him to want her knowledge, ideas, thoughts, and feelings when she hasn’t suggested that they talk.
There’s a saying, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him (Ecc. 7:28[16]).” He can’t grow to love her soul without spending many, many hours in open-hearted talk with her.
A woman can’t change a man by loving him. A man changes himself because he loves her.
Couples should be ”one flesh” as Adam and Eve were before God separated Eve from Adam’s body (Mk. 10:8[17]).
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 5:1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; Ephesians 4:32-5:1
When God looks on your spouse, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whose blood washes away all our sins (Ps. 103:12[18], I Cor. 6:11[19]). To follow God, you must see in our spouse a reflection of the perfection and purity of Christ.
See your spouse as perfect (page 25), thank God for a perfect spouse, and speak of your spouse as perfect. That’s the foundation for a God-honoring marriage:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can pay his wife’s expenses without giving his heart to her. Thinking and speaking of her as God’s good and perfect gift to him helps him open his heart to her. Her working hard to be God’s good and perfect gift to him helps the marriage last.
After each discussion, each of you should separately write down what was said and then compare notes.
Marriage Summarized
The foundation of joyful Holy Matrimony is both parties being convinced in their bones that God is good.
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8, 15, 21, 31
The husband knows that everything about his wife that irritates him is from God to bless him. His wife knows that everything about him that drives her crazy is from God to bless her. It may take years of asking God for wisdom to figure out how they’re blessed, but the way our good God made men and women blesses both.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:40
Attitude of Gratitude
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
We lose the blessing of God’s gifts if we don’t appreciate them enough. A wife needs a great deal of appreciation from her husband and from her children.
A man limits his wife’s ability to make him happy if he limits his appreciation of everything about her. If he doesn’t feel supremely grateful that she wants to be with him during courtship, he might not appreciate her enough.
Your First Choice
Couples quickly begin to understand how very different God made men and women in thought, and word, deed and need. These differences make it hard to understand each other. You’ll be frustrated when your soul mate has no idea what you’re talking about or does something that makes no sense at all. You have two choices:
1. You can get angry and yell out complaints.
2. You can decide that God is good, marriage is good, your spouse is good, and smile about differences.
This is the first real choice you make as you explore the idea of marriage. This choice has a strong effect on your decades of overcoming the challenges of life together.
Being Married
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
· Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well.
· She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they both made public marriage vows before he took her.[20]
· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted.
God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but giving comfort is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires daily and hourly praise and appreciation by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:2[21]).
Getting Married
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth gave him the idea, it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. If a woman gives a man rest outside marriage, her value falls (Pr. 31:10[22]). What would marriage give that he doesn’t have? Why take on all that responsibility?
Men are clueless about women; how does a man know whom to marry? If he can have her without marriage, she isn’t worth dedicating his life to nourishing and cherishing her. If he can’t have her, he’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough and that’s the only way he can have her.
Dwelling According to Knowledge
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1
God is His Word. If you don’t love, honor, respect, and value His Word, do you honor God? Men draw together thought shared experiences; women draw together through shared talk. A woman is her word. If a husband doesn’t value his wife’s words, how can she feel valued and appreciated? How can she draw together with him?
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
This means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, and feelings. He must think about her and honor her preferences as much as possible when making decisions. If a woman prefers vanilla ice cream and her husband always brings home chocolate, does he love her? Will she feel honored or loved? The only way to get this knowledge is though hours and days of eager open-hearted conversation. There’s a reward – the better his wife knows him, the more easily she can please him.
Staying Married
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome him into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather not is what submission means. She has more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his energy to keep him focused on her. If she sends him off to work loaded, he may be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28[23]).
This is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her though hourly praise and appreciation renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him and keep his desire focused on her.
Husband Leads by Serving
And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
Men tend to lead by stating top-level goals, but a wife can’t please her husband unless she knows what he’s planning in detail. If a husband says, “Let’s go on a picnic,” her mind fills with questions. She needs to know where they’re going and what she’ll find there. Are there bathrooms? Is there a playground? Is there a sandbox? How long will we be gone? How many diapers do I take? How many meals? Should we bring swimsuits? Snacks?
If she runs out of diapers, toys, or food, buying anything in a picnic spot is expensive and she’ll be criticized for poor planning even if he says nothing about it. She can’t rest unless she knows the plan in detail.
And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; II Timothy 2:24-25a
This command is for all Christians, not just husbands.
Husband Leads in Appreciation
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Mrs. Lemuel taught her son to praise his wife and teach his children to follow his example of praising and appreciating her. This teaches the “attitude of gratitude” which blesses them all their lives. Praise is partly to encourage his wife and partly to teach her children to respect her. If her daughters respect her, she can teach them how to be treasures for their future husbands instead of being toys. If her sons respect her, she can teach them how to be blessed by their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son in Proverbs 31.
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Not once. Really? What about this?
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Job 2:9
Job’s wife lost seven sons who were her hope of being fed after her husband died – no pensions. Her husband lost his money and spoke of dying. He said she spoke “like a foolish woman.” That implied she wasn’t usually foolish, which was halfway a compliment. He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
A husband’s criticism dries a wife’s bones and can shorten her life. Praise helps her live longer.
God Speaks to Women
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to value her dream. He should have let the help meet God gave help him (Gen. 2:18, 20[24]). A wife becomes very frustrated if her husband won’t let her help him. She can’t help without knowing his needs, she can’t follow without knowing where he’s going, she can’t obey without understanding his plan. That’s another reason for him to open his heart to her.
Wife Respects Her Husband and Guides His House
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
Women are driven to share information about caring for husbands, children, and homes. That’s a good thing. The more they share about pleasing men, the happier they can make their husbands. The more information they share about children, the healthier their families will be.
A promise: both parties want to please each other:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: 33But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. 34There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34
Only Praise
You can teach marriage in two words: “Only praise.” What if husband and wife never criticized and looked every day for little details to praise and appreciate as taught in the Song? Would their marriage work?
I was making a doctor’s appointment for my wife. The young lady saw that I treasured her and asked how long we’d been married. When I told her 53 years, she wanted to know how we did it. I gave her 2 words – “Only praise.”
Her eyes bugged out. “That’s hard!” she complained. “What do I do if I’m really upset at him?”
“Are you an adult, or are you a child?” I asked. “We teach little kids not to lose their temper, not to throw angry words at each other by the time they’re 2, age 3 at the latest. If you aren’t grown up enough to keep your temper, are you mature enough to marry?” The Bible agrees that we must control our feelings:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Pro. 25:28
Men must know:
· Only praise. If a woman’s personality irritates him and makes it hard for him to keep his temper, should he marry her? We teach kids not to hurl angry words by age 2 or 3. Is he adult or child?
· When something goes wrong, take responsibility instead of blaming his wife as Adam blamed Eve.
· Open his heart. If he doesn’t trust her enough to open his heart, should he marry her? One of the rewards of opening his heart is that she will learn about him and figure out ways to please him.
· Opening his heart scares a man as much as opening her body scares a woman; it’s OK (Pr. 31:11-12[25]).
· Listen to her advice. God made her to help him (Gen. 2:18, 20[26]); if he won’t listen to her and take her thoughts into account, she’ll be very unhappy and he’ll make many more mistakes (Mt. 27:19[27]).
Never Criticize Your Spouse
My future wife asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
I want my words to be health to her so she’ll want to hear me. I say, “That didn’t work as well as we planned. What went wrong? Let’s learn to do better next time.” I say “we” because she tries to do everything the way I want it done. That puts me in all she does.
When you die, people will remember the very last thing you said. Don’t say anything which wouldn’t please you as a last memory of you. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything, not ever.
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, / Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit / Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, / Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” ― Omar Khayyám
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife, see page 10. It’s important to help your spouse feel safe in being deeply involved with you, see page 45.
Forget Independent Life and Serve Each Other
God expects couples to dedicate their lives to serving Him by serving each other and their children (Mt. 19:6[28], Mk. 18:8[29]). Your view of God determines how your marriage turns out. If you truly believe that God is good, you will know that God loves you, He wants your life to turn out to His glory, and that He created your spouse to bless you. The keys to a joyful life are in His word, so read it!
Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5b
[Holy Matrimony where spouses serve each other] greatly increases the chance for a child to be raised in a nurturing two-parent home, which studies have shown provides a child the most advantageous environment for growing into his or her potential.[30] [emphasis added]
Christian leaders lead by serving. Servant leadership works only when followers are willing to be led.
If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35b
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:42-44
Sharing Knowledge when Making Decisions
The Bible tells us twice that God values having many sources of advice:
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Pro. 11:14
Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. Proverbs 15:22
A wife often knows things her husband doesn’t, particularly about children. It’s foolish for a man to ignore his wife’s knowledge and counsel when making decisions. Even if her ideas aren’t practical, her thoughts stir his thoughts and help make better decisions.
In our five decades of deciding, it’s been rare that the first idea from either of us stands the test of the other’s knowledge. It can take hours of discussion to get all the facts, but the decision is usually obvious once everyone’s concerns are shared. Knowledge sharing is one of the ways God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11[31]) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24[32]), but we must speak kindly (Eph. 4:15-16[33])
The hardest part about parenting is persuading children that your ways are right. Unless you convince them your ways are best before they leave home, they’ll do something else, to your sorrow. A wife’s gentle input helps persuade children.
Meeting Her Needs
A man must base his life with his wife on knowledge of her, see page 8. Older women are commanded to teach younger women about men because men are pretty much alike. Women differ from each other more than men do, so the only way a man can learn to nourish and cherish his wife is by hours and days of open-hearted talk with her.
90% of how a marriage goes is based on how a man treats his wife but 90% of that is determined by how she behaves before marriage.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
A woman sets her price by what she does. If her price is a few dinners or a movie, she isn’t worth much. Her price should be his belonging to her as she belongs to him.
When God rejected her college boyfriend, my wife asked God to choose her husband. God couldn’t give her to me without counseling me first. The Holy Spirit told her what to say to build our marriage.
Few women can explain themselves to men, and no man can figure it out. What God led my wife to tell me will give a woman words to make a man confident he can make her happy. This will make him feel safe opening his heart to her and convince him that making her happy will make him very happy indeed.
Bullet Points
- Couples must speak carefully so that their home is safe for each other and for their children, page 45.
- It’s as scary for a wife to open her body whenever her husband is able to have her as for him to open his heart to her whenever she is able to talk.
- “Before you spend any money on me, you need to know that I want to get married. I plan to be a treasure for my husband. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out at all, but I you must agree that the goal of being together is to decide whether you and I should marry.”
- “I want to be a virgin on my wedding night.” This was more important than we could imagine!
- She had to know how I’d rule. She did something unacceptable and refused to stop. I carried her to the shower and told her she was asking for a soaking. She said, “I’ll behave.” I didn’t hit her or yell at her. I didn’t rule harshly so she found rest in obeying me (Ru. 1:9a[34]). This changed her body language - her mother could see that we’d marry.
- She’d say “Yes, sir” when I addressed her. Not every time, but as the spirit moved her. I knew she’d respect me in spite of my mistakes
- A few days before our wedding, she told me she was eager to marry. “I like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.” That’s more talk than a man can imagine! She wanted hours per day!
- My taking her to wife on our wedding night gave her a powerful feeling of belonging to me and depending on me. Losing independence was the most frightening experience of her life even though she knew God wanted her to be mine (Song 2:16[35]).
- 24 hours after our wedding, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me that talking would be important to her, so we talked. “God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “Neat-o! We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing it for God because He told me to. I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
- The next day, I said, “I’ve been thinking about what you said. God wants me to lead you and take care of you. The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all. God wants me to lead you by serving you. You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
- Opening my heart to her made me belong to her. This was as scary for me as opening herself to me was for her but God expects it of me (Song 6:3[36]).
- Belonging to me made her more sensitive to how I felt about her. If a man loves his wife, giving herself to him helps her feel his love. If he’s angry or isn’t pleased with her, she won’t want to feel that and will try to keep him from taking her.
- When she quit her job because of our schedules, giving up her paycheck and depending on me was nearly as scary as belonging to me even though she wanted to be a stay-home mother (1 Tim. 5:14[37]).
- A woman can’t change a man by loving him. A man changes himself because he loves her.
- If a man expects a woman to be the angel in his life, he must create a heaven for her. Angels don't live in hell.
- A man must lead his wife to help her be a “glorious wife, without spot or wrinkle,” see page 43.
Although a man may have some head knowledge of the birds and the bees, down in his heart where it counts, a man doesn't really believe he has anything to do with making babies. Their baby is clearly hers - she had it last - but what has her baby to do with him?
Remember the saying – “The time my father got me, his mind was not on me.” What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? The only way to give a child a father is to belong to him thoroughly before conception. If he marries her before she gives herself and she convinces him that she belongs to him by encouraging him to have her as often as he can, their children will also belong to him.
Few women can find attractive Christmas gifts for their husbands. That’s because God made men so that if his wife truly belongs to him, he doesn’t want much else (Ecc. 9:9[38]) and they can spend all the money on the house and children. If not, he’ll buy toys to make himself happy, but Ecc. 2 shows that toys won’t make him happy.
Everything Solomon did was vanity and chasing after wind because he did it for himself – “I gat me … I builded me…” A man’s work honors God and is not vanity when he works to support his wife, children, and church.
Salvation means dying to your former life to be born again into marriage to Christ (Ro. 7:4[39]). You belong to Christ (1 Cor. 6:19-20[40]). His love for you and your love for Him constrains you to serve Him cheerfully (2 Cor. 9:7[41]).
Marriage means giving up your former independent life. You must dedicate your life to becoming one with your spouse and serving your family. Love for each other and for God constrains you to serve Him by serving each other cheerfully and protecting each other from the moment you first meet until you die
.
Let Us Reason Together, Saith the Lord
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: Isaiah 1:18a
Christianity is a thinking faith. It’s profitable to think about the wisdom God put in His Word to bless us and to help us find joy in this life (Jn. 10:10b[42], Gal. 5:22-23[43]).
God made women for men (Gen. 2:18[44]); men are not made for women (I Cor. 11:8-9[45], Pr. 18:22[46]). Jesus taught that a wife is a gift from God and the bride’s parents to the groom (Lk. 17:27[47], 20:34[48]).
King Lemuel’s mother taught him to nourish and cherish his wife Pr. 31:1[49]. Working mothers don’t have time for that so few men know how to bless a wife. A girl must explain her needs and God’s way of helping a man make her happy enough for them to receive the joy God intended for both parties when He made marriage. A wife can make her husband no happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[50]). The happier he makes her, the happier he will be.
Mt. 25:14-30 teaches that God expects a man to use every gift God gives to glorify Him including all the gifts God gives his wife. God expects husbands to work to develop and use her and their children’s gifts to serve Him.
When a man asks a woman out, she should tell him she’s looking for a husband. He doesn’t have to agree to her marry before the first date, but he must agree that the goal is to decide whether he and she will marry. If he won’t promise to protect her purity and consider marrying a woman who says she wants to be God’s treasure for her husband, she should have nothing to do with him. If she lets herself fall in love with a man who isn’t ready to marry anyone, she’ll be in a world of hurt (Pr. 4:23[51]).
Part of a woman’s desire to be with a man is God’s punishment for disobeying without confessing the sin:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
She didn’t like God’s perfect leadership so God made her follow her husband’s imperfect leadership.
One Minute Marriage
You can explain both marriage and salvation in 30 seconds. Parents spend years getting kids into college but little time, talent, toil, or treasure teaching how to have joyful marriages. We don’t expect anyone to drive a car without being taught, how can we expect good marriages without teaching? Think on these verses!
Nobody deserves salvation; every person is a sinner who deserves to go to Hell (Rom. 3:23[52], 5:12[53], 6:23[54]). If you choose to accept salvation, God gives you the gift of eternal life (Rom. 6:23b). God doesn’t see your sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12[55], I Cor. 6:11[56]).
Accepting God’s offer of grace means that both God and His Son see you as perfect (Eph. 5:25-27[57], Rom. 8:1[58], 1 Ki. 8:61[59], 15:14[60], 2 Ki. 20:3[61]).
Salvation makes us servants of Jesus Christ (Ps. 100:2[62], Rom. 1:1[63], Tit. 1:1[64]). We belong permanently to Jesus the Christ (Jn. 10:29[65], 1 Cor. 6:19[66]), serve Him out of love (2 Cor. 5:14-15[67]), and strive to walk in good works as Jesus taught (Eph. 2:10[68]).
God expects us to serve spouse, family, and church (Rom. 12:10[69], Eph. 4:12[70], 5:21[71], 1 Pet. 5:5[72]). What God does is perfect; serving Him by serving your spouse is your perfect calling (Mk. 9:35[73], 10:42-45[74]). Focus on your perfect God, not on fallible people (Phil. 2:1-8).
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in a Half-Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
Eph. 4:31-32[75] tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:10-12[76], Is. 43:25[77], Heb. 10:17[78]). When God washes away our sins (Heb. 9:14[79], 10:19-22[80]), what’s left is perfect and without condemnation (Rom. 8:1[81], 15:13[82]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God sees us as perfect, so we must follow God and see our spouses as perfect.
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, say your spouse is perfect for you, and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6[83]). Marriage prospers if the husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17[84]). He’s to love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29[85], Song 4:7[86], 6:9[87]) as perfect, she’s to obey him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33[88], Col. 3:18[89]) even though neither of them deserves the other!
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in One Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
Love God with Perfect Hearts
“Love the Lord thy God” is in scripture 14 times, see page 49! 1 Kings 11:4 and 15:3 say David had a perfect heart with the Lord his God. David sinned, but he never turned from worshiping God to worship anything else. Faithfulness and repentance kept his heart perfect with the Lord his God.
God expects us to keep our hearts perfect with Him and with each other. We must not let our hearts stray toward anyone else or anything else (Job 31:1[90], the Song).
As David was perfectly confident in God and rested in what God gave him, we must learn to rest content in each other and in what God gives us (Ruth 1:9a[91], Mt. 11:28[92], Phi. 4:11[93], 1 Tim. 6:6[94], Heb. 13:5[95]).
Love God by loving your spouse; serve God by serving your spouse, praise God by praising your spouse is simple, but “simple” isn’t “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat ‘til you get there – but not easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a stroll across a continent.
Enter Holy Matrimony with One Perfect Heart
God’s people should act with perfect hearts:
All these men of war, that could keep rank, came with a perfect heart to Hebron, to make David king over all Israel: and all the rest also of Israel were of one heart to make David king. I Chronicles 12:38
The people agreed with one perfect heart that they wanted David as their king. God gave us one way to relate to Him, that is, with perfect hearts and never go after other gods or anything else. Husband and wife must both have perfect hearts with God. Both must have perfect hearts with each other and never go after anyone else.
As God graciously gives His salvation to those who earnestly seek Him (De. 4:29[96]), He graciously gives the blessings of marriage to couples who seek Him and enter Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. “Holy” means “set apart to the Lord for His purposes.” Holy Matrimony belongs to God, not to us.
This isn’t gluten-free, no calorie diet matrimony as lost people do, this is the real deal, this is Holy Matrimony which bride and groom enter with one perfect heart. There is no vow in salvation; marriage vows are the most solemn, binding vows any human can ever say.
As we work out God’s gift of salvation in fear and trembling (Phi. 2:12b[97]), we work out God’s gift of marriage as we mature, grow, and learn. David never lost his salvation, but his sins took away his joy:
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:12
Salvation belonged to God, not to David. He knew that God would restore his joy in God’s salvation once he restored his relationship with God through repentance and confession (1 Jn. 1:9[98]). Be prepared to confess to one another and forgive one another to restore your joy in God’s marriage (Jas. 5:16a[99]).
I don’t understand how God can chasten us as His sons (Heb. 12:5-8[100]) without condemning us (Rom. 8:1[101]) and making us reap what we sow (Gal. 6:7[102]) while forgetting our sins (Heb. 8:12[103], 10:17[104], 1 Jn. 1:9), but I don’t understand how Jesus can be God and man at the same time either (1 Tim 3:16[105]). If God treated me as I deserve, I’d go to Hell, but by His grace, He treats us as perfect so that we can be with Him in Heaven (He. 9:13-14[106]). If we treat our spouses as they deserve, we can make life Hell on earth. If we treat them as perfect, we can give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
How can I treat a sinful spouse as perfect and make my marriage a picture of Heaven on earth? How can God treat me as perfect and take me to Heaven? I don’t deserve it, but He poured out His grace to me when He saved me. I can treat my wife as perfect by giving her the grace God gave me even though she doesn’t deserve it. Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves marriage. I don’t deserve her submission or her reverence, she doesn’t deserve my sanctification or honor, these are undeserved gifts of God.
A wife is told to call her husband “lord,” (I Peter 3:6a[107]) but she knows his faults, she knows he doesn’t deserve her reverence (Eph. 5:33b[108]). The only way she can call her sinful husband “lord” from her heart is to freely pour out God’s saving grace to her husband (Heb. 4:16[109]). A husband is commanded to love his wife as if she were perfect (Eph. 5:25-27[110], Pr. 31:28-29[111], Song 4:7[112], 6:9a[113]) even though she doesn’t deserve it. The only way he can love her as perfect with all his heart is to freely pour out God’s saving grace to her.
How do we do this? We must have God’s grace in our hearts so that it can come out in our speech (Luke 6:45[114], Eph. 4:15[115]). Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your speech be alway with grace,” we must show God’s grace to everyone with every word we speak (Matthew 12:36[116]).
As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
God’s grace is Jesus’ gift to us. As faithful stewards of His manifold grace, we’re supposed to pass it on, that’s our gift back to Him (Tit 2:14).
How can we edify one another (Rom. 10:14[117], Eph. 4:12-16[118], Jas. 5:20[119])? Job’s wife had lost her sons and her husband had lost all his money when she told him to curse God. He said she was “like a foolish women” in a way that implied she wasn’t usually foolish (Job 2:9-10[120]). He spoke the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her. Wives feel the difference.
Lost people say, “Cut me some slack,” treating other people as we think they deserve leads to fights. God says, “I saved you when you didn’t deserve it. I expect you to cut other people unlimited[121] slack even though they don’t deserve it (Eph. 2:10).” Having saved us by His grace, God expects us to pass it on.
Marriage and salvation are deep mysteries of God, but they’re as simple as a children’s song: “If you’re saved and you know it, then your life will surely show it, if you’re saved and you know it, pass it on.”
We belong to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 6:19[122]). Jesus expects us to serve each other (Rom. 12:10[123], Eph. 4:12[124], 5:21[125], 1 Pet. 5:5[126]). We serve Jesus by serving our spouse, family, and church.
We should glorify God in all that we do (I Cor. 10:31[127]). We do that because we love Christ and want to please Him in all we do (II Cor. 5:14-15[128]). Jesus’ love makes us sacrifice our former goals and wants in favor of the good works He expects of us (Mt. 5:16[129], Heb. 10:24[130]). In the same way, when we marry, our love for our spouse makes us sacrifice our former individual goals in favor of good works for the family (Rom. 12:1[131]).
Passing on God’s grace is the foundation of marriage and spreads the gospel. When Christians divorce, lost people conclude that we can’t handle this life and won’t care what we say about the life to come. If they see us pouring out undeserved grace to each other, however, they’re more likely to believe what we say about God’s offer of grace (Mat 5:16, Heb. 10:24) and want some for themselves. That’s how we spread the gospel!
The Apostle Paul wrote that we work to spread the Gospel because our love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes us do it. We serve Him because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouses should constrain us to do whatever we can to please him or her. If lost people see married Christians working to please each other out of love, they’ll often ask how we can handle the problems the other person causes. That gives us a chance to talk about God’s love and God’s forgiveness. God loves us and forgives us, so God expects us to forgive other people and love them in the same way He loved and forgave us.
Salvation means dying to your former life and being born again into marriage to Christ (Ro. 7:4[132]). You belong to Him. His love for you and your love for Him constrain you to serve Him cheerfully (2 Cor. 9:7[133]).
Marriage means dying to your former independent life in favor of your new family. Your love for each other and for God constrains you to serve Him by serving each other cheerfully.
The Weight of Biblical Marriage Vows
When Ruth suggested marriage to Boaz, it was such a good idea that he ran out the next morning and told people at the gate that he was marrying Ruth. They agreed that they were witnesses to his vow (Ru. 4:11[134]). They were engaged even though Ruth wasn’t there (Ru. 4:13a[135]).
When God condemned Adam to eat by the sweat of his face, God made no provision for Eve to eat (Gen. 3:17-19[136]). Women aren’t strong enough to farm without machinery so Ruth needed a man to feed her. The witnesses assumed that Ruth would want to marry Boaz.
Boaz married Ruth less than 24 hours after he told her someone would marry her (Ru. 3:13[137]). The Bible teaches short engagements.
Malachi’s explanation why the Jews were not prospering shows the reality of Isaac’s vow:
Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
The marriage covenant belongs to the husband as the Abrahamic covenant belongs to God. God is party to both:
When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for he hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. Ecclesiastes 5:4
When Abraham accepted God’s offer of a covenant, Abraham, the weaker party, gave up his animals to provide blood to seal his covenant with God. When a woman accepts a man’s offer of a marriage covenant, the bride, the weaker party, gives up her innocence to provide blood to seal her covenant with her groom and with God.
Parents often chose spouses in those days (Gen. 21:21[138]). When Abraham sent his servant to Nahor to find a wife for Isaac, everyone knew that Isaac was committed to marry whomever came back to marry him.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
Taking a woman without a vow does not make her a wife. Rebekah became Isaac’s wife when he took her; the vow was in place before he took her. Marriage is honorable (Heb. 13:4[139]); concubinage is not.
God judges fornication and concubinage. I Chr. 1:32 lists Keturah as Abraham’s concubine, but they married:
Then again Abraham took a wife, and her name was Keturah. 2And she bare him Zimran, and Jokshan, and Medan, and Midian, and Ishbak, and Shuah. 3…[and it lists their children]. All these were the children of Keturah. 5And Abraham gave all that he had unto Isaac. 6But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 25:1-6
The Bible doesn’t say why Abraham chose to marry Keturah or what he did to promote her from concubine to wife. God honored whatever vows Abraham made – He listed Keturah’s children and their children in His Word; the other concubines aren’t even named.
Abraham had Keturah as a concubine so why marry her? What would marriage give him that he didn’t already have? A man seldom marries unless he wants a woman badly enough and can’t have her any other way. Did Keturah persuade Abraham to marry her?
Keturah could have said, “No more unless you marry me. I’ll be yours, you can have me whenever you want me, but you have to be mine. (Song 2:16a[140], 6:3a[141])”
Once she was married, Keturah would have wanted to get rid of all the other concubines. Keturah might have known Sarah, or she could’ve heard the story. She could’ve said, “Remember how Hagar and Sarah got along. You want to go through that again? I won’t share you; get rid of all your concubines. Pay them palimony and send them away. It’ll be good for Isaac to have them gone. Burn that little black book, guy, you’re mine!”
The importance of the vast difference between being married and not being married is one of the lessons God gave for our learning!
For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope. Romans 15:4
A Glorious Wife, Without Spot or Wrinkle
Christians must become familiar with this passage:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
Although a man should be ready to die to protect his wife from danger, God generally expects a man to give his life day by day to nourish and cherish her. I earn so much per hour. When we spend that much on home, children, or church, I have freely given one hour of my life to walking God’s path of service (Mk. 9:35[142], 10:44[143]) as He wants me to walk (Ro. 12:1[144]).
Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat “The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity (1 Timothy 5:2).” Girls must be taught to insist that men deal with them in purity as God commands or they will be tempted to fall into sexual sin.
Eph. 5:26-27 shows Christ using His Word to bring His church to Himself “a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle or any such thing.” As spiritual leader, a husband should use the Word of God to present his wife to himself as a “glorious wife” as taught in the Song:
Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song of Solomon 6:9a
The husband tells his wife that she’s a glorious wife, without spot or wrinkle. His wife needs her friends to know he’s pleased with her, so he recharges her batteries by telling everyone that she’s uniquely perfect for him.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
We aren’t told how Isaac convinced Rebekah that he loved her, but being convinced of his love gave her the emotional energy she needed to be able to comfort him.
This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:32
“Christ and the church” was the mystery, not the relationship between man and wife. People understood marriage in apostolic times. Many Christians have forgotten the part of Holy Matrimony where the husband renews his wife’s emotional energy so that she is able to comfort in time of sorrow and hold the family together.
Making Your Spouse Feel Safe In Marriage To You
On our very next date after my wife and I agreed to marry, she asked that I never criticize her. “Your opinion of me will be very important to me. I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval will hurt me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
She had a point – nowhere in the Bible does a husband criticize his wife. I avoid keeping her from loving me. I watch what I say so she can feel safe and rest in loving me.
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
People who love each other can be hurt badly by unkind words. We try to be sure our tongues are health.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 4:31-5:2
Our sins have been washed away. When God looks on either of us, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 6:11[145]). To follow God, we must see each other and speak of each other as having the same perfection God sees in us by His grace.
This makes it safe for me to rest in loving her. Men seldom admit their feelings for fear of hurt. Jesus sent His disciples as God had sent Him and gave the Holy Spirit (Jn. 20:21-22[146]). Peter led them to go fishing instead. Jesus fed them and then asked Peter “Do you love Me?”
Peter had seen Jesus weep. He knew that if he loved the lost as Jesus had, he’d be hurt when people he loved chose not to accept the gospel. Having created Peter, Jesus knew that Peter loved Jesus. Jesus’ questions didn’t make him love Jesus, but forced him to admit to himself that he loved Jesus. Jesus’ love made Peter want to please Jesus; he spread the Gospel for the rest of his life.
I understand Peter because my dad never admitted to himself that he loved my mother. He said he did:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
He never appreciated her work to support his ministry. Learning a foreign culture enough to share womanly feelings is far harder than learning to spread the Gospel. When my wife tried to talk about raising me, mom had felt so unloved and had had so little talk that she’d forgotten how to do woman-talk. She spoke of leaving my dad.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
Feeling neither loved nor appreciated dried my mother’s bones. She thought dad would leave as she was dying of cancer, but he retired and cared for her until she died. She finally knew he loved her, but by that time it was too late. She died at 62; her mother lived into her nineties. Given the choice of living 30 more years feeling unloved or dying knowing she was loved, she’d have chosen early death. Being convinced of being loved and appreciated is life to a wife. Don’t dry your wife’s bones.
The law of kindness in our tongues makes it safe for us to love each other. Our love for Jesus makes us want to please Him by loving and serving each other. We strive to make our home safe for feelings, emotions, and hurts. That makes our home safe for our children and for us.
When a woman wants a man to change, she should find a way to make her point without saying anything. Some say, “A woman can’t change a man by loving him. He changes himself when he loves her.” God says:
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation[147] of the wives; I Peter 3:1
By the time we married, I’d lived 9 years in non-family situations. When I tracked mud into our house, she silently wiped up the floor behind me. I quit doing it.
She was frustrated when I put the quilt on our bed wrong – both sides looked the same to me. She decided I really didn’t know which way was up and told me where to put the tag – that solved the problem.
I say, “That didn’t work out as well as we expected…” Note the “we.” She does most things to please me so I’m part of all she does. My taking responsibility means I’m not criticizing her when things go wrong.
When you die, people will remember the very last thing you said. Don’t say anything which wouldn’t please you as a last memory of you. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything, not ever.
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, / Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit / Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, / Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” ― Omar Khayyám
A couple should agree that anyone who must leave to avoid saying something harmful will be back within 24 hours. We know a couple who didn’t have this agreement. When she had to leave early in marriage and didn’t say she’d return, he thought it was over. She came back after cooling down, but he never got over his fear that she’d abandon him. Men are more sensitive than they’ll admit.
Helping each other feel safe during all the frustrations of life is a challenge. Office conflict costs so much that conflict avoidance has been studied a lot. Here’s some guidance for avoiding conflict in marriage[148].
Thou Shalt Love the Lord Thy God
God’s command “love the Lord thy God” is in scripture 14 times! This shows the logic of God’s plan for us. Choosing to love Him as He commands helps us serve Him better. Couples who strive to love and serve each other as they love and serve God will give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
Paul prayed “that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment (Phil 1:9).” Pray that God will make your love abound for Him, your family, your church, and the lost. People who see your joy in loving each other and loving them will want God’s love for themselves! Any group based on loving God and each other as He commands brings joy to everyone.
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment. Matthew 22:37-38
And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway. Deuteronomy 11:1
And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul, 14That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil. Deuteronomy 11:13-14
For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him; Deuteronomy 11:22
Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 13:3
If thou shalt keep all these commandments to do them, which I command thee this day, to love the LORD thy God, and to walk ever in his ways; then shalt thou add three cities more for thee, beside these three: Deuteronomy 19:9
And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
In that I command thee this day to love the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest live and multiply: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in the land whither thou goest to possess it. Deuteronomy 30:16
That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them. Deuteronomy 30:20
But take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul. Joshua 22:5
Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the LORD your God. Joshua 23:11
Loving God with your soul is mentioned 8 times, walk in His ways 4 times, love with your mind 3 times, strength twice, might once, and so on. God commands us to choose to give more than just our hearts. We’re expected to love God with everything we have! This is a deliberate, practical choice. Deciding to love in this way binds couples together with God, with each other, and with the church.
[1] For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 7If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? 8But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Hebrews 12:6-8
[2] And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world. 48He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day. John 12:47-48
[3] That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. Romans 10:9
[4] Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
[5] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[6] So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: Ruth 4:13a
[7] These men illustrate Biblical marriage vows as explained on page 41.
[8] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[9] If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. James 1:26
[10] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. I Corinthians 7:3-4
[11] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[12] This exaggeration helps a woman see how sex drives men.
[13] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[14] For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
[15] My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18
[16] Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:28
[17] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[18] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[19] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[20] Isaac’s Biblical marriage vow is explained on page 41.
[21] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[22] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[23] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Pro. 6:28
[24] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18, 20
[25] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
[26] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18, 20
[27] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[28] Therefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[29] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[30] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 35, citing W. B. Wilcox, J. R. Anderson, W. Doherty et al., “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences” (New York, Institute for American values National Marriage Project, 2011).
[31] Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. I Thessalonians 5:11
[32] And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
[33] But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: 16From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love. Ephesians 4:15-16
[34] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[35] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[36] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[37] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
[38] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[39] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[40] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? 20For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. I Corinthians 6:19-20
[41] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[42] I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10b
[43] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[44] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[45] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[46] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[47] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[48] And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: Luke 20:34
[49] The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him. Proverbs 31:1
[50] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[51] Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
[52] For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Romans 3:23
[53] Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: Romans 5:12
[54] For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23
[55] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[56] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[57] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[58] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[59] Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day. I Kings 8:61
[60] But the high places were not removed: nevertheless Asa's heart was perfect with the LORD all his days. I Kings 15:14
[61] I beseech thee, O LORD, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore. II Kings 20:3
[62] Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing. Psalm 100:2
[63] Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle, separated unto the gospel of God, Romans 1:1
[64] Paul, a servant of God, and an apostle of Jesus Christ, according to the faith of God's elect, and the acknowledging of the truth which is after godliness; Titus 1:1
[65] My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. John 10:29
[66] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[67] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:14-15
[68] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
[69] Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Romans 12:10
[70] For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Ephesians 4:12
[71] Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21
[72] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[73] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[74] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[75] Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
[76] He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10-12
[77] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[78] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[79] How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:14
[80] Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, 20By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; 21And having an high priest over the house of God; 22Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Hebrews 10:19-22
[81] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[82] Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13
[83] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
[84] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[85] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[86] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song 4:7
[87] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[88] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
[89] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
[90] I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid? Job 31:1
[91] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
[92] Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
[93] Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11
[94] But godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6
[95] Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5
[96] But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. Deuteronomy 4:29
[97] work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. Philippians 2:12b
[98] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[99] Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. James 5:16a
[100] And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: 6For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. 7If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? 8But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Hebrews 12:5-8
[101]There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[102] Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
[103] For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 8:12
[104] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[105] And without controversy great is the mystery of godliness: God was manifest in the flesh, justified in the Spirit, seen of angels, preached unto the Gentiles, believed on in the world, received up into glory. I Timothy 3:16
[106] For if the blood of bulls and of goats, and the ashes of an heifer sprinkling the unclean, sanctifieth to the purifying of the flesh: 14How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:13-14
[107] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, I Peter 3:6a
[108] and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33b
[109] Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16
[110] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[111] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29[saying] Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[112] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song 4:7
[113] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song 6:9a
[114] A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh. Luke 6:45
[115] But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: Ephesians 4:15
[116] But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. Matthew 12:36
[117] How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher? Romans 10:14
[118] For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: 13Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ: 14That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; 15But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: 16From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love. Ephesians 4:12-16
[119] Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins. James 5:20
[120] Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. 10But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips. Job 2:9-10
[121] Jesus taught forgiveness. Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? 22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22. I’ve been married longer than 470 months. Assuming my wife had to forgive me only once per month, she’s forgiven me more than 470 times. Does that mean she doesn’t have to forgive me any more? No, Jesus taught unlimited forgiveness.
[122] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[123] Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Romans 12:10
[124] For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Ephesians 4:12
[125] Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21
[126] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[127] Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. I Corinthians 10:31
[128] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:14-15
[129] Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:16
[130] And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
[131] I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. Romans 12:1
[132] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[133] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[134] And all the people that were in the gate, and the elders, said, We are witnesses. The LORD make the woman that is come into thine house like Rachel and like Leah, which two did build the house of Israel: and do thou worthily in Ephratah, and be famous in Bethlehem: Ruth 4:11
[135] So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: Ruth 4:13a
[136] And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; 18Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; 19In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:17-19
[137] Tarry this night, and it shall be in the morning, that if he will perform unto thee the part of a kinsman, well; let him do the kinsman's part: but if he will not do the part of a kinsman to thee, then will I do the part of a kinsman to thee, as the LORD liveth: lie down until the morning. Ruth 3:13
[138] And he [Ishmael] dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt Genesis 21:21
[139] Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4
[140] My beloved is mine, and I am his: Song of Solomon 2:16a
[141] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: Song of Solomon 6:3a
[142] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[143] And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:44
[144] I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. Romans 12:1
[145] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[146] Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: John 20:21-22
[147] This means behavior, not talk.
[148] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ConflictInMarriage
posted by Bill Taylor at 5:52 PM
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