God's Simple Plan of Marriage
Feel free to use this material in any way that supports His cause! GodsSimplePlanForMarriageConnections.doc is available from the shared library https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1JQV9oEZwRL_H7Whck66UuRGruJQ2nfyk?usp=sharing. Books about marriage are available in paperback or Kindle book from our author page https://www.amazon.com/Bill-and-Roberta-Taylor/e/B09DTMSHT8/
God Created Women and Men to be Drawn Together
Men want women; women want to be wanted. God created us so that marriage done His way brings great joy. Couples should be able to make it work, but many find great pain in relationships.
Marriages don’t last without deep emotional connections between husband and wife, but men and women connect very differently. They must both learn how to meet the other’s need for connection.
Men become close by sharing intense experiences, unlike women who draw close by talking about their deepest feelings and share experiences by talking about them. War veterans shot at 40 years ago still get together to talk about it. Once trust forms, they’re bound ‘til death because a man’s life often depends on the faithfulness of those around him. A firefighter can die if the other person holding the hose makes a mistake.
Veterans keep getting together because even the bonds of sharing deadly combat need maintenance. It’s hard for women to share such ties. A woman isn’t satisfied by hearing how the men were shot at, she wants to know how they felt about it. Men don’t care how they felt, they care who stood and fought instead of running when the bullets flew. Men don’t believe that talking about war builds trust, “You had to be there.”
Men talk about experiences, of course, but their purpose isn’t to build relationships as with women. Men tell “virtue” stories to teach others how to behave, women tell “feeling” stories to build emotional ties. Women feel that heroic stories are unrealistic; men feel that relationship stories are pointless.
Sex is God’s way to bind a husband to his wife through intense shared experience, see page 6. Sex hormones also bind his wife to him, make her feel that she belongs to him, and humble her, see page 9.
My wife teaches that a husband wants to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. That horrifies most women; I was horrified when the Holy Spirit led my wife to explain her need to talk. “I’m really looking forward to being married,” she told me. “I like talking to you. We can talk more in a day of being married than in a week of dating.” She put an absurd amount of talk into our marriage vows!
Being taken to wife was the most frightening experience of her life. Opening my heart as I had promised was as scary for me as being mine was for her. The idea of letting his wife into his heart scares most men.
The more often a man has his wife, the more she wants to talk. The more they talk, the more he wants to have her. They must “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[1])” to make this work. The Bible tells how:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
The wife not having power means she must open her body to her husband whenever he’s able to have her. If she drains off all his energy, it will be very hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him out of the house loaded, on the other hand, he’ll be tempted by other women and they could both be burned.
God expects a man to open his heart to his wife often enough and thoroughly enough to learn her needs:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge I Peter 3:7a
The only way he can get knowledge of her is through hours and hours of open-hearted talk. The man not having power of his body means he must open his heart to her often enough to satisfy her emotional needs. If he doesn’t meet her needs, she’ll be tempted to talk emotionally to other men. This can lead to adultery.
Page 38 shows why it’s a great sacrifice to meet your spouse’s needs. The Bible teaches that its fraud against your marriage vows if you don’t make the ties between you strong enough to protect each other from temptation. These are God’s commands, not suggestions. A couple shouldn’t marry unless they want each other badly enough to meet these obligations gladly until one of them dies. She learns whether he trusts her enough to open his heart during courtship. They also find out whether they both speak kindly enough to create a “safe space” where they can rejoice in each other, page 25.
Chapter 1 - Secular Support for Scripture’s Commands for Holy Matrimony. 1
Give Your Spouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You. 1
Two Books: Hooked and Unprotected. 2
Chapter 2 - How A Woman Can Find Joy In Marriage. 9
Don’t Get Physical Before Marriage. 10
Putting Marriage on the Table. 12
God’s Expectations When You Marry. 13
Make Him Feel Safe Around You. 15
Your Three Gifts to Your Children. 16
Rewards of Obedience to God. 16
Chapter 3 - The Lesson of Leah – Having a Man’s Baby Won’t Make Him Marry You. 19
Holy Matrimony is a Sacred Covenant Sealed with Blood. 23
Chapter 4 – Having Answers Before and During Marriage. 25
Give Your Spouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You. 25
Parents and Churches Must Teach Holy Matrimony. 28
Advantages of a Meek and Quiet Spirit 29
Men Don’t Always Respect or Honor Women. 30
Women need Answers when a Man Approaches. 31
The Course Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth - William Shakespeare. 33
Putting Marriage on the Table. 33
Being Confident She’s Wanted. 35
Talking is More Important to Wives than Men Can Imagine. 36
Talking the Way a Wife Needs is Difficult for a Man. 37
Why Our Purity Was Important 38
I Serve God by Serving You. 39
Men and Women See Marriage Differently. 40
And We Lived Happily Ever After. 40
A Wife is a Mirror, She’s Not a Light 43
A Wife is What Her Husband Makes Her. 44
The Simplicity of God’s Marriage Rules. 44
Chapter 5 - God Explained What Happened to Women After the Fall 45
Everybody Sees how God Punished Adam.. 45
Think About Eve’s Life in the Garden. 46
Greatly Multiply thy Sorrow Through Sensitive Emotions. 46
Thy Desire shall be to thy Husband. 47
Chapter 6 - What Fathers Should Teach Their Daughters. 49
Chapter 7 – A Man is Pursuing Your Daughter. What do you tell him?. 51
Will he Appreciate Her as God Appreciates Her?. 54
And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. (Mk. 10:8) 56
The Man Must Be Able To Pay Before Marrying. 56
What if she likes the guy and wants to get to know him?. 57
Chapter 8 - Confessing Your Faults to Your Children. 59
Chapter 9 – Having Sex Changes Your Brain. 61
Don’t Touch until after Marriage. 62
Men Must Possess Their Wives in Honor, Not in Lust 64
Few Americans Treat Others As People As Opposed To Treating Them As Men And Women. 64
Other Science Reports Which Show How God Did What He Did. 65
Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood. 65
9 Surprising Things To Know About Semen. 66
The Britannica Confirms That Semen Contains Hormones. 66
Chapter 10 – How A Man Can Open His Heart 67
Knowing versus Understanding. 69
Chapter 11 - Handling Conflict in Marriage. 71
Making You Angry is Usually an Accident 72
The conflict is about you, it has nothing to do with the other person! 73
When you talk about anger or hurt, never say, “you,” always say “I”. 73
Good Faith is Unbelievably Important 74
What You Believe Determines What You Do. 75
Relating to God and His Word. 76
Chapter 12 - Sources of Conflict – Sex and Communication Styles. 77
Chapter 13 - Sources of Conflict – What We Say and What We Do. 85
Chapter 14 - Comparing Marriage and Salvation. 93
A Glorious Wife, Without Spot or Wrinkle. 97
23-Feb-25
About the Authors
Bill’s parents were missionaries to Japan. For thousands of years, Japanese lived by growing rice in flooded paddies. Muscle-powered farming is such hard work that the character for “man” combines the characters for “field” and “strength” because a man provides strength in the fields. This made women totally dependent on men for food. Japanese men exploited their position of power so much that modern Japanese women want nothing to do with men or with having children. “Relationships are simply too much trouble.” Japanese culture is doomed because the women have decided not to raise the next generation.
Having grown up in the Bible, Bill rejected the way Japanese men treated their wives in favor of the Biblical approach. Christianity is the only faith that places women and men on equal footing before God:
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
As he earned a master’s degree in electrical engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, he saw that MIT men weren’t considered to be good husband material but he wasn’t sure why.
His wife Roberta started helping teach Sunday School in Massachusetts at 13; that gave her a teacher’s heart. She earned a degree in Elementary Education and taught 6th grade until Bill claimed her for his own.
By the time they married in 1971, most of his friends were already divorced. They soon realized that God had given them something precious in their marriage but they could not explain it. When her sister and his brother divorced, they had nothing to say even though God had told them to study marriage.
After 50 years of trying to explain Gods plan so others could enjoy the blessing God intended for all couples, they got marriage down to just 2 words, “only praise” page 4. God gave every woman the ability to be an extraordinary treasure for a man, but that won’t work unless he convinces her that he thinks of her, speaks of her, and treats her as an extraordinary treasure given to him by the Lord God Almighty.
Older women aren't teaching younger women how to behave so that a man will want to marry her, connect to her, nourish her, and cherish her as she needs. Working mothers don’t have time to teach their sons how to nourish and cherish their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son (Pr. 31:1 page 52).
Bill understood enough to write Roberta the week before their engagement, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that he gave me you.” Marriages work better if a man believes that and acts on it. That fact helped their marriage work, but it took many years of prayer, Bible study, and passing books around for comment to generalize his insight enough to make it useful to others.
Society prospers only if women insist on marriage before giving themselves to men. If she gives herself without insisting on marriage, he can’t trust her not to give herself to others. If he takes her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women? Society prospers only as men work to provide for their wives and children. If a man can have a woman without taking any responsibility for her, why work hard?
The Taylor’s books urge every woman to state firmly and gently that she wants to get married because God made her to be a treasure for her husband. If a man won’t agree that the purpose of dating is to decide whether he and she will marry, if he won’t at least consider marrying a woman who wants to be God’s treasure for him, he’s not worth her time. If he won’t relate to her as a potential treasured wife, playing with her as a disposable sex toy is the only other possibility.
Roberta had seen men play with many of her friends and throw them away when they found another toy. That’s why she insisted that Bill treat her as a treasure and as his only potential wife from before the first date.
Chapter 1 - Secular Support for Scripture’s Commands for Holy Matrimony
God ordained both salvation and marriage. If you try to go to Heaven your own way, you go to Hell when you die. If you try to do marriage your own way, you can make life Hell on earth. If you do it God’s way, you can give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven on earth, but Churches have forgotten how Holy Matrimony works. Our divorce rate is the same as among the lost. When lost people see that we can’t handle this life any better than they, why should they care what we say about the life to come?
Society once supported marriage – it was illegal for a couple to live together without being married, and divorce was difficult. With no-fault divorce, it‘s easier to end a marriage than to stop paying for a refrigerator. Parents and churches must teach marriage much more strongly than in the past.
God’s Simple Plan of Marriage isn’t being taught. Older women must teach young women about men (Ti. 2:4-5[2]). Older men must teach young men to honor, praise, respect, and protect women (Ti. 2:6[3]).
Knowing that there would be falling away, God arranges scientific progress to make it harder to deny “his eternal power and Godhead (Ro. 18:20).” We’ll explore two secular books which uphold and amplify Biblical teaching about marriage. But first, we’ll review the most important part of any marriage!
Give Your Spouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You
Naomi gave the foundation of marriage when she hoped her daughters would find rest with new husbands:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
My wife asked God to choose her husband. God couldn’t give her to me without sanding off some rough spots, so God led her to ask that I never criticize her. “Your opinion of me will be very important to me. I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
Any man can get that. Men, you know why you married your wife. She probably doesn’t know why you married her, women marry for other reasons, but you know. Why make it hard for your wife to love you?
Nowhere in the Bible does a husband criticize his wife. I want to make it as easy for her to love me as I possibly can. I watch what I say so she can feel safe and find rest in belonging to me. Scripture tells how:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
People who love each other can be hurt badly by unkind words. We try to be sure our tongues are health.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 4:31-5:2
Our sins have been washed away. When God looks on my wife or me, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 6:11[4]). To be a follower of God, we must see each other and think of each other and speak of each other as having the same perfection that God sees in us by His grace.
That makes it safe for me to rest in loving her. Men don’t want to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt. Men are afraid to open their hearts because every man knows that women can slice men to ribbons:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare men. He may not admit his love to himself. God says it’s safe to love a virtuous wife:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a
Wives, how can you expect him to open his heart to you as you need if you hurt him? Men, how can you expect your wife to open herself to you if you hurt her? Kindness is fundamental to marriage.
Handling Conflict
What do you do when your spouse hurts you? This will happen: people get careless, or thoughtless, or selfish. Your hurt is all about you, your spouse may have no idea why you’re upset. Handle it is by honestly discussing your hurt, but talk about yourself, not your spouse. Say, “I was hurt when I heard . . .” or “I felt unloved when this happened . . .” Never say “when you” as if you’re blaming your spouse. That leads to fights. Keeping your spouse out of the discussion makes you allies working together to solve a problem.
Servant Leadership
God values women and men equally (Gal. 3:28[5]) but He gave different roles. The wife is to submit to her husband and follow him. A man must fulfill his God-given duty to nourish and cherish his wife (Eph. 5:29[6]) by serving her as long as they both shall live. God tells husbands and all leaders how His people should lead:
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:42-44
If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35b
Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Matthew 20:28
The Apostle Paul opened three of his letters with “Paul, a servant . . . (Ro. 1:1; Phi. 1:1; Tit. 1:1)”
Servant leadership works only on willing followers. Men know they should lead. We’ve seen couples where the man doesn’t think his wife follows and tries to dominate her or get physical with her. This is often because he hasn’t taken the time to explain what he wants. She can’t follow unless she understands in detail.
Ladies, don’t marry a man who won’t explain his wants. Men, don’t marry a woman who won’t follow.
Two Books: Hooked and Unprotected
Hooked: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development https://a.co/d/23NZaPL explains how hormones produced during sex change our brains to bind sexual partners together. As God put it,
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
Hooked explains God’s command that men and women marry before having sex. Hooked has 173 pages. If God explained each of His commands, the Bible would be far too big for hand-copying. God seldom explains the reasons for His commands, He expects us to obey through faith. Hooked reports:
The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are “designed” to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter.[7] [emphasis added]
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[8]). Giving herself to a man binds her to him. Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly. Breaking up can make it hard for either of them to form a strong marriage later.
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[9] [Because women are made for men; men aren’t made for women.]
The book “Unprotected” by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman https://a.co/d/fIG4k9d confirms that casual sex is very damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 university students for depression and other emotional problems, she wrote that a woman can become very depressed when she finds that her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex. Most women associate sex with commitment; men not as much.
The story of the sports hero and the cheerleader happens over and over again in colleges and high schools. As they approach the championship, cheerleaders compete to see which can encourage him the most. One of them catches his eye, he says he loves her, and they end up in bed. That seldom works out well for her.
Older Women
Older women are commanded to teach younger women about men. Lesson #1 is that when a man says he loves her, he wants to bed her. Jacob worked for Rachel’s father for seven years. He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked, and did things together. Why wasn’t this enough? Why did he want to marry her?
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Jacob wanted to marry so he could have sex with Rachel; God and custom required marriage before sex.
A woman must know the difference between being wanted and being valued. Rachel saw that Jacob valued her enough to work for her father for seven years to earn the right to marry her.
God gave us the Book of Ruth as a romance novel: a poverty stricken widow goes to a strange land to find God, works hard, shows virtue, marries a rich guy, and becomes an ancestor of Jesus. As a widow, Ruth knew what men were all about, but she followed when Naomi told her to ask Boaz to marry her. When Ruth got back from the party and told Naomi, she got the best older woman advice on getting married you’ll ever hear:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18 The best advice on getting married there is.
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth suggested it, it was such a good idea he ran out the next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. If a woman gives a man rest outside marriage, her value falls (Pr. 31:10[10]). What would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? Why take on responsibility? If he takes her without marrying her, how can she trust him not to take some other women? If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her? A man will marry if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way she will let him have her.
If a woman’s on the pill, a man feels she expects to have sex, so why not with him? If she isn’t on the pill, she can say “No, I’ll get pregnant. Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.” That’s taught in Gen. 24:67[11]. If a man’s offer to a woman doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical. If he can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her and discard her. God hates that!
Women must also be taught that God created them to be His treasured gift for one man, not sex toys who wander from man to man seeking love. More support from Hooked:
“Those who abstain from sex until marriage significantly add to their chance for avoiding problems and finding happiness.”[12]
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex.”[13]
“. . . the inability to bond after multiple liaisons is rooted in the fact that our behaviors actually physically change our brains. The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals.”[14]
“. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[15]
Some tell women not to kiss because kissing may give a man ideas. That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When both parties have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.[16] [emphasis added]
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited. We had to talk through our disagreements. We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[17]
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[18]
After Marriage
The Song of Solomon explains the principles of maintaining a happy marriage.
1) There is no criticism at all in the Song, only praise in mind-numbing detail. Husband and wife are constantly looking for little things about each other to praise and appreciate. The way they praise sounds odd, but you can re-word it to make sense to your spouse. Married people need constant praise, support, appreciation, and affirmation from each other. Thank God for marriage and for your spouse!
2) It starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her (Song 1:2[19]). Feeling appreciated by his wife makes a man more inclined to take care of her and to appreciate her by praising her in return. How will a husband respond when his wife praises him for kissing her? Sex exalts a man:
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
3) The husband is totally involved with his wife. He tells everyone that she's uniquely perfect:
Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song 6:9
He's so focused on her that he doesn't see other women as women, only as people.
4) The wife has the security of knowing that her husband belongs to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
What must a man do to convince his wife that he belongs to her?
5) The wife recognizes and encourages her husband's desire for her:
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
She asks her mother for advice:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather do something else is what submission means. She has more capacity than he; she can drain off all of his sexual energy. She can say they could do it more often if he was in better shape; exercising helps him live longer. Her gladly encouraging his possessiveness makes it very hard for other women to get his attention, but if she sends him off to work loaded, he'll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28[20]).
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
His Open Heart
God led my wife to teach that a husband’s goal is 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his plan. 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man “has humbled” a woman by having her. A girl understands that 5 times will wipe out her independence and make her belong to him. She’ll be upset until my wife reminds her that she wants her husband to open his heart to her in open talk at least that often. Girls know that having a man open his heart makes him belong to her. Giving his life to her for her life to him is OK.
Opening her body makes a wife belong to her husband. Opening his heart makes him belong to his wife. God knows that opening his heart is as frightening for a man as opening her body can be for a woman:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
The Bible tells us how a woman feels if a man doesn’t open his heart when taking her:
And she [Delilah] said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her? Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines? She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him. It’s the sports hero and the cheerleader all over again.
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can give a woman food, clothing, and shelter but not give her his heart. It’s far easier to love God or another person with your mind than with your heart, but love as a mental exercise doesn’t do much good. That’s why God always put “heart” first. If we first love Him and our spouses with our hearts, our minds, strength, might, and everything else follow. We must guard our hearts so that we don’t become emotionally involved with anything that can become more important to us than God or more important than our spouse:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
God expects our minds to be diligent, that is, very careful, to rule our emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Pro. 25:28
Rewards of Obedience
Remember the saying – “The time my father got me, his mind was not on me.” What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? The only way a mother can give her child a father is by belonging to him thoroughly before getting pregnant. If she requires that he commit himself by marrying her before giving herself and convinces him that she belongs to him by encouraging him to have her whenever he can, her children belong to him.
“Vasopressin [the neurochemical that affects a man’s brain as oxytocin affects a woman’s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate and attachment to his offspring. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding and bonding between fathers and children.”[21] [emphasis added]
Women communicate heart to heart; men communicate belly to belly. It’s a sacrifice for a man to talk as much as his wife needs. It’s a sacrifice for a wife to meet her husband’s needs. She thinks he wants to do the same old thing over and over. He thinks that she wants to talk about the same old thing over and over. God expects a man to open his heart to his wife often enough and thoroughly enough to learn each other’s needs:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
If a man won’t honor his wife by listening to her enough to know how best to nourish and cherish her, his prayers are blocked. This takes a lot of talk. Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! We’d talked a lot while dating because we couldn’t yet do what I wanted to do. I thought once we were married, we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. The Holy Spirit led her to tell me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant. Men and women have very different views of what marriage is!
Unprotected shows that a woman can become depressed if she finds out that her boyfriend saw her only in terms of sex. A man must talk to a woman enough to learn about her skills, gifts, interests, talents, opinions, and knowledge so that he can appreciate her as an entire person before the wedding. There is a difference between a man wanting a woman and a man valuing her.
The Bible Gives Balance
The more a man takes his wife, the more she wants to talk. The more a man talks, the more he wants to have her. They must “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[22])” to make this work. The Bible tells how:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. Matthew 10:39
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. Mark 8:35
The wife not having power means she must open herself to her husband to keep him from temptation. The man not having power of his body means he must open his heart to protect her from temptation. If he doesn’t meet her emotional needs, she’ll be tempted to talk emotionally to other men. This often leads to physical infidelity. God warns that its fraud against your marriage vows not to meet your spouse’s needs.
God rewards a woman for giving herself to her husband by arranging that his hormones bind him to her and to her children if she gives herself as often as he can do it. God also rewards a man who opens his heart:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
- Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman must include food, clothing, and shelter. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well for either of them.
- She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they had both made public marriage vows before he took her.
- Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting him is emotionally exhausting. Being reminded that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:219 ).
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven that compares with having a woman like belonging to him and enjoy comforting him. Marriage is worth the burden and responsibilities of marriage:
Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Pro. 5:18
Blessing her husband’s fountain whenever he’s ravished with her love is part of her marriage burden. Opening his heart to her whenever she needs to talk is part of his. They protect each other from temptation.
Some wedding vows say “to have and to hold.” The man marries to have her; she marries so he’ll hold her. A man must fulfill his God-given duty to nourish her and cherish his wife (Eph. 5:29[23]) by serving her (Mk. 9:35[24], 10:42-44[25]) as long as they both shall live. God expects her to serve him by being his helpmeet (Gen. 2:18[26]) reverencing him (Ep. 5:33[27]), belonging to him, and guiding his house.
To Sum Up
God made sex powerful to hold marriages together. Safe within the fireplace of marriage, sex warms you all your days. Outside the fireplace, it can burn your life to the ground. Doing it often binds a couple together.
“. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[28] [emphasis added]
A man must convince his wife he loves her for her to be able to comfort him. Sex hormones calm her[29], take away her independence, and make her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel that and will try to evade him. If he works as hard as the husband in the Song to convince her that he rejoices in her, she’ll rejoice in his joy in having her as she gives herself to him.
This affects the way she walks, the way she talks, and her facial expressions. Anyone can see if he has made her comfortable enough to rest in belonging to him that she can rejoice in giving herself that often.
We need to teach everyone that scientific research supports God’s old paths:
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. But they said, We will not walk therein. Jeremiah 6:16
Christians aren’t raising enough faithful children to keep the church from dying out.
Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth? Luke 18:8b
We must convince young people that science and the Word of God shows that God’s old paths are best.
Chapter 2 - How A Woman Can Find Joy In Marriage
Women want badly to hang around with men, but our man-woman thing isn’t working well. The Internet is full of complaints about relationship problems. If a man doesn’t meet your needs, there’s no way the relationship can work, but you probably don’t have the words to explain your needs to a man. Even if he wants to make you happy, he can’t fix it if you can’t tell him the problem. This paper has the words you need.
As the sexual revolution was getting underway, my grandmother told me, “Women ask for very little and that’s what they get.” Women drive marriage and civilization by insisting that men marry them, care for them, and help raise their children. Pres. Reagan said, “If it weren’t for women, men would be swinging clubs and sleeping in trees.” A responsible man works hard caring for his car, boat, or whatever matters to him. Without a wife, a man would sleep in a cave or in his truck. If his wife chooses to belong to him, he spends great effort caring for her. His need to keep his wife happy and comfortable drives civilization.
Society once supported marriage – it was illegal for a couple to live together without being married, and divorce was difficult. With no-fault divorce, it‘s easier to end a marriage than to stop paying for a refrigerator. You must study Biblical marriage much more carefully than in the past.
Don’t Deny the Science
Two books have explored how these relationships work in enough detail to help you avoid disaster.
Hooked: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development https://a.co/d/23NZaPL explains how hormones produced during sex change your brain to bind sexual partners together. This powerful binding makes breaking up hard, particularly on you. When the pill became available, feminists rejoiced that now that pregnancy could be prevented, women could enjoy sexual play as men did. That turns out to be false – women suffer greatly from casual sex:
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[30] [Because women are made for men; men aren’t made for women.]
“The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are “designed” to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter.”[31] [emphasis added]
God made you for a man (I Cor. 11:8-9[32]). Giving yourself to a man binds you to him. Sex binds a man to you but not as strongly. Breaking up can make it hard for either of you to form a strong marriage later.
“Unprotected” by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman https://a.co/d/fIG4k9d confirms that casual sex is very damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 university students for depression and other emotional problems, she wrote that a woman can become very depressed when she finds that her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex. Most women associate sex with commitment; men not as much.
The story of the sports hero and the cheerleader happens over and over again in colleges and high schools. As they approach the championship, cheerleaders compete to see who can encourage him the most. One of them catches his eye, he says he loves her, and they end up in bed. That seldom works out well for her.
Older Women
Rule #1 in getting a joyful marriage is no sex until after marriage.
Older women are commanded to teach younger women about men. Lesson #1 is that when a man says he loves her, he wants to bed her. Jacob worked for Rachel’s father for seven years. He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked, and did things together. Why wasn’t this enough? Why did he want to marry her?
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Jacob wanted to marry so he could have sex with Rachel; God and custom required marriage before sex.
God gave us the Book of Ruth as a romance novel: a poverty stricken widow goes to a strange land to find God, works hard, shows virtue, marries a rich guy, and becomes an ancestor of Jesus. Ruth followed Naomi’s advice to crash the harvest party and ask Boaz to marry her. When Ruth got back and told Naomi, she got the best older woman advice on getting married you’ll ever hear:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18 The best advice on getting married there is.
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth suggested it, he ran out the next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. If you give a man rest outside marriage, your value falls (Pr. 31:10[33]). What would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? Why take responsibility to care for you?
If he takes you without marrying you, how can you trust him not to take other women? If you give yourself to him without marriage, how can he trust you? A man will marry if he wants you badly enough and marriage is the only way you’ll let him have you.
If you’re on the pill, a man knows you expect to have sex, so why not with him? If you aren’t on the pill, you can say “No, I’ll get pregnant. Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you get a job to support me.” That’s taught in Gen. 24:67[34]. If a man’s offer to you doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical. If he can’t pay for you, all he can do is play with you and discard you. God hates that!
“Those who abstain from sex until marriage significantly add to their chance for avoiding problems and finding happiness.”[35]
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex.”[36]
“. . . the inability to bond after multiple liaisons is rooted in the fact that our behaviors actually physically change our brains. The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals.”[37]
“. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[38]
Don’t Get Physical Before Marriage
Some tell women not to kiss because kissing may give a man ideas. That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give you ideas. When both parties have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.[39] [emphasis added]
Men are easily aroused by touching you. Your desire can also be triggered, particularly when you happen to be fertile. You can’t understand how urgently a man wants to touch you because you aren’t a man; he can’t understand childbirth or nursing because he’s not a woman. Protect yourself by avoiding situations where he could touch you even if you have a hard time believing that you have to be careful at all times.
It’s easy for you to fall into fornication through ‘date rape.’ A man has an opportunity, yields to temptation, ignores any protests, and takes you. Men feel that if you’re aroused so that you want sex, it’s not rape - you wanted it. A man may admit that sex outside marriage is wrong, but he believes that sex isn’t rape if you wanted it at the time; he can’t understand how much you’ll regret it later.
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[40]
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited. We had to talk through our disagreements. We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[41]
If you fall into fornication, God will forgive you if you confess and repent, which means stop doing it:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
You can then explain that you made a mistake which taught you the need to keep sex for marriage. It hurt, and you don’t want to make the same mistake again. You can tell him he’s an attractive guy and you could easily fall in love with him. Unless he’ll agree that the goal of being together is to decide whether you and he will marry, don’t waste your time. If you’re living together, page 22 gives a way to force the issue of marriage.
Why He Wants You
A man pursues you because he knows how much joy you can give him. You must explain that God created you to be His treasured gift for one man, not a sex toy who wanders from man to man seeking love.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
What do babies do when anything goes wrong? Scream for mommy. Toddlers run and find mommy. A child knows that daddy’s wife is a Good Thing; your husband should know this and proclaim it to everyone.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12
There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
Getting attention from men without setting boundaries leads to trouble:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
God made women sensitive to how men treat them and strengthened your desire to be with a man as a punishment, see page 47. You must be careful about getting emotionally involved with men:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Don’t let yourself get emotionally tangled with a man until after he marries you.
Jesus told us that men marry, women are given in marriage. A wife is a gift to her husband:
They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, Luke 17:27a
In a church wedding, some old guy comes in with the bride. What’s he doing? He says that he and her mother are giving her to her husband. That’s OK, but a wife is also a gift from whom? From God:
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
You will be a good and perfect gift from God to your husband. He must honor you for your emotions!
1 Peter 3:7 commands giving honour unto the wife. Being honored by her husband gives her rest.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
When you involve yourself with a man, you take on the yoke of pleasing him. Will he make his yoke easy and his burden light by helping you learn of him? You can’t please him without knowing his wants in detail.
You must explain that you are God’s good and perfect gift to your husband, and insist on marriage.
Putting Marriage on the Table
90% of how a relationship works depends on how the man treats you, but 90% of that depends on how you set your value in his eyes. What you do speaks so loudly that no man can hear what you say.
You set your price by what you do. If a man can have you for the price of a few dinners, you aren’t worth much. If he can have you without marriage, what would marrying give him that he doesn’t already have?
If a man expresses interest and there’s a possibility that you and he might marry, you have to establish your price before the first date. When I first offered to buy my wife lunch, she said “Yes,” but before we left church for the restaurant, she set her terms and conditions:
“Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not just looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”
Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart. If you let yourself fall in love with a man who isn’t willing to marry anyone, you’re crusin’ for a brusin’; you’re in for a world of hurt.
When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me to pay her way. In the past, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn’t marry unless he’d grown up enough to support her. Even back in 1971, many women lived with men without marriage, paid “their share” of the rent, and became “friends with benefits.” She was letting me know she wasn’t going to do that.
When God told Adam he’d eat by the sweat of his face, God gave no way for Eve to eat. Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery. For generations, a woman starved unless she pleased a man enough for him to choose to feed her. The Bible sums up marriage in one verse:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
She made the same points before dating me. She expected me to pay, she expected marriage, she expected me to treat her as a treasure, and she planned to be a treasure. Rebekah knew Isaac loved her so she was able to comfort him. You can’t comfort your husband unless you feel loved. You can’t create much love, but you multiply all the love your husband gives you and fill your house and church with love and light.
She re-emphasized marriage by telling me she wasn’t a toy. She’d seen her friends get involved with men who didn’t see anything wrong with sex outside marriage even if the woman wasn’t willing.
Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that’s why men want women. I was attracted to her, I liked talking to her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband! I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me. If she decided she wanted to be my treasure, I’d be a fool not to marry her. I said, “Sure,” and we went to lunch.
Before dating, ask him to agree that the purpose of being together is to determine whether he and you will marry, his life for your life. “A wise woman buildeth her house,” starting before marriage. You won’t do exactly as Ruth did because cultures are different, but God’s principles don’t change. Few young women are taught how to get married; you can save yourself a lot of grief by knowing how marriage comes about.
God’s Expectations When You Marry
American society has turned against stay-at-home mothers. When my wife was raising children, she was told not to waste her time: “Just put ‘em in day care and get a job. Do something worthwhile!” Fifty years later, the anti-motherhood movement has become much stronger in spite of God’s command:
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, I Timothy 5:14a
History shows that weakening motherhood destroys societies. A Greek soldier who died in battle was carried home on his shield. If he ran, he’d throw his shield away to run faster. Greek mothers taught their sons, “Come back carrying your shield or on it.” At that time, Greek warriors were the best in the world – Alexander the Great conquered all the way to India. When Greek mothers stopped teaching sons to be ready to fight to defend their homes and families, Greece was conquered by the Romans.
Back when the sun never set on the British Empire, the saying was, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” British mothers deliberately raised children to be ready to spread the gospel and British rule throughout the world. They also said, “Behind every successful man, there’s a woman” because a wife’s encouragement and her husband’s desire to care for her is a big factor in how well a man’s career goes.
Consider his potential as a father. Is he healthy? You don’t want a sickly child. Is he smart and responsible enough to hold a job that will support you and your children? Is he interesting to talk to? Does he have good ideas? Does he consider Scripture and think before he acts? Can he explain logical reasons for what he does? Does he value your suggestions and your knowledge? You can’t help him if he won’t listen to you.
After Marriage
The Song of Solomon explains how to maintain a happy marriage.
1) It starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her (Song 1:2[42]). Feeling appreciated by his wife makes a man more inclined to take care of her and to appreciate her by praising her in return. How will her husband respond to being praised for kissing her? Getting physical exalts a man:
Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race. Psalm 19:5
2) There is no criticism at all in the Song, only praise in mind-numbing detail. Husband and wife are constantly looking for little things about each other to praise and appreciate. Their words sound odd, but you can re-word it to make sense to your spouse. Married people need constant help, praise, support, appreciation, and affirmation from each other. Thank God for marriage and for your spouse! In public!
3) The husband is totally involved with his wife. He tells everyone that she's uniquely perfect:
Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song 6:9
He's so focused on her that he doesn't see other women as women, only as people.
4) The wife has the security of knowing that her husband belongs to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
What must a man do to convince his wife that he belongs to her?
5) The wife recognizes and encourages her husband's desire for her:
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
She asks her mother for advice:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Complaints about men cheating are common - Psychology Today found that men are more likely to cheat than women.[43] Encouraging your husband to have you several times per day is the best way to focus his desire on you.
Giving yourself when you’d rather do something else is what submission is. You can do it more often than he; you can drain off all of his sexual energy. You can say you could do it more often if he was in better shape; exercising helps him live longer. Gladly encouraging his possessiveness makes it very hard for other women to get his attention, but if you send him off to work loaded, he'll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28[44]).
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
His Open Heart
God led my wife to teach that a husband’s goal is 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his plan. 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man “has humbled” a woman by having her. A girl understands that 5 times will wipe out her independence and make her belong to him. She’ll be upset until my wife reminds her that she wants her husband to open his heart to her in open talk at least that often. Girls know that having a man open his heart makes him belong to her. Giving his life for her life makes it OK.
Opening your body makes you belong to your husband. Opening his heart makes him belong to you. Opening his heart is as frightening for a man as opening your body can be for you so God says it’s OK:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
That verse teaches that it is safe for a man to open his heart to you if you’ve kept your virtue and always talk kindly. The Bible also tells us how a woman feels if a man doesn’t open his heart when taking her:
And she [Delilah] said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her? Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines? She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him. It’s the sports hero and the cheerleader all over again.
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can give a woman food, clothing, and shelter but not give her his heart. It’s far easier to love God or another person with your mind than with your heart, but love as a mental exercise doesn’t do much good. That’s why God always put “heart” first. If we first love Him and our spouses with our hearts, our minds, strength, might, and everything else follow. We must guard our hearts so that we do not become emotionally involved with anything that can become more important to us than God or more important than our spouse:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
God expects our minds to be diligent, that is, very careful, to rule our emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Make Him Feel Safe Around You
Naomi gave the foundation of marriage when she hoped her daughters would find rest with new husbands:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
On our very next date after my wife agreed to marry me, she asked that I never criticize her. “Your opinion of me will be very important to me. I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
Nowhere in the Bible does a husband criticize his wife. I don’t want to make it hard for her to love me. I watch what I say so she can feel safe and find rest in loving me and being mine. Scripture tells how:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
People who love each other can be hurt badly by unkind words. We try to be sure our tongues are health.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 4:31-5:2
Our sins have been washed away. When God looks on my wife or me, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 6:11[45]). To be a follower of God, we must see each other and think of each other and speak of each other as having the same perfection that God sees in us by His grace.
Her healthful words make it safe for me to rest in loving her. Men don’t want to admit their feelings. Men are afraid to open their hearts because they know that women can slice men to ribbons:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare men. He may declare his love, but may not admit his love to himself. God says it’s OK:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a
Wives, how can you expect him to open his heart to you as you need if you hurt him? Men, how can you expect your wife to open herself to you if you hurt her? Kindness is fundamental to marriage!
Your Three Gifts to Your Children
A job puts great strain on women. Working mothers have neither the emotional energy nor the time to raise their children; they subcontract mother hood to hirelings. God expects you to give your children three gifts:
The first gift is putting your life on the line to give your child life. Death in childbirth is less common than it was but it happens. You walk the valley of the shadow of death out of love for your unborn child.
Jesus created us knowing Adam would sin and that He would have to die to give us salvation. You illustrate His love for us by wanting children enough to risk your life; their father should honor you for it.
The second gift is a father with strong emotional and financial ties to your child. A man may have head knowledge of birds and bees, but down in his heart where it counts, a man doesn't believe he has anything to do with making babies. The baby is yours - you had it last - but what has your baby to do with him?
Remember the old saying – “The time my father got me, his mind was not on me.” What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? The only way to give your child a father is to belong to him thoroughly before getting pregnant. If you require that he commit himself by marrying before you give yourself and then convince him that you belong to him by encouraging him to have you whenever he can, your children also belong to him.
“Vasopressin [the neurochemical that affects a man’s brain as oxytocin affects a woman’s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate and attachment to his offspring. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding and bonding between fathers and children.”[46] [emphasis added]
The third gift is the gift of a mother. Having risked your life to give your child life, having given up your independence by belonging to your husband, God expects you to give up your career and dedicate your life to nourishing and cherishing your family. Women with jobs have neither time nor emotional energy to teach their sons how to be Biblical husbands or their daughters how to be Biblical wives.
You must be content to live on what your husband earns, encourage him in his career, and mother your children. Proverbs 31 was written to men. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish, cherish, and bless his future wife. This teaching takes more time and energy than career women have.
By the grace of God, a very few single mothers are able to raise children successfully, but this is rare.
Rewards of Obedience to God
If you belong to your husband, your happiness also belongs to him. It took me about a month to learn that making my wife happy by spending money on our house made me far happier than anything I could buy for myself. Eph. 5:25-30 tells husbands to give their lives for their wives. I earn so much per hour. When she spends that much, I’ve given one hour of my life for her, but her happiness rewards me.
It may be hard to find meaningful birthday or Christmas gifts for your husband. God made men so they pretty much want just one thing. If you’re truly and gladly his, that’s all he really wants and you can spend the money on the house. If you aren’t, he’ll buy toys trying to make himself happy. Ecclesiastes chapter 2 tells us that Solomon’s work was vanity and chasing after wind because he did it for himself. Your husband’s work isn’t vain because he does it for you, your children, and your church. Appreciate him!
Nothing straightens a man like having a woman lean on him. Caring for you gives meaning to his work.
Having you be happy in belonging to him makes it much easier for him to open his heart to you.
Women communicate heart to heart; men communicate belly to belly. It’s a sacrifice for a man to talk as much as you need. It’s a sacrifice for you to meet your husband’s needs. You think he wants to do the same old thing over and over. He thinks that you want to talk about the same old thing over and over. God expects a man to open his heart to his wife often enough and thoroughly enough to learn each other’s needs:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
If a man won’t honor you by listening to you enough to know how to nourish and cherish you, his prayers are blocked. This takes a lot of talk. Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! We’d talked a lot while dating because we couldn’t yet do what I wanted to do. I thought once we were married, we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. The Holy Spirit led her to tell me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant. Men and women have very different views of what marriage is!
Unprotected shows that a woman can become depressed if she finds out that her boyfriend saw her only in terms of sex. Your husband must talk to you enough to learn about your other characteristics, skills, gifts, interests, and knowledge so that he can appreciate you as an entire person before the wedding.
The Bible Gives Balance
The more a man takes you, the more you want to talk. The more a man talks, the more he wants to have you. You must both “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[47])” to make this work. The Bible tells how:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. Matthew 10:39
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. Mark 8:35
You not having power means you must open yourself to your husband to keep him from temptation. Your man not having power of his body means he must open his heart to protect you from temptation. If he doesn’t meet your emotional needs, you’ll be tempted to talk emotionally to other men. This often leads to physical infidelity. God warns that its fraud against your marriage vows not to meet your spouse’s needs.
God rewards you for giving yourself to your husband by arranging that his hormones bind him to you and to your children if you give yourself often. God gives a similar reward to a man who opens his heart:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
- Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman must include food, clothing, and shelter. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well for either of them.
- She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they had both made public marriage vows before he took her.
- Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting him is emotionally exhausting. Being reminded that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:219 ).
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven that compares with having you like belonging to him and enjoy comforting him. Marriage is worth the burden and responsibilities of marriage:
Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Pro. 5:18
Blessing your husband’s fountain whenever he’s ravished with your love is part of your marriage burden. Opening his heart to you whenever you need to talk is part of his. Protect each other from temptation.
Some wedding vows say “to have and to hold.” A man marries to have you; you marry so he’ll hold you. A man must fulfill his God-given duty to nourish and cherish you (Eph. 5:29[48]) by serving you (Mk. 9:35[49], 10:42-44[50]) as long as you both shall live. God expects you to serve him by being his help meet (Gen. 2:18[51]) reverencing him (Ep. 5:33[52]), belonging to him (Song 2:16[53], 6:3[54]), and guiding his house (1 Tim. 5:14[55]).
To Sum Up
God made sex powerful to hold marriages together. Safe within the fireplace of marriage, sex warms you all your days. Outside the fireplace, it can burn your life to the ground. Doing it often binds a couple together.
“. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[56]
A man must convince you he loves you so you can comfort him. Sex hormones calm you[57], take away your independence, and make you more sensitive to how he feels about you. If he’s unhappy with you, you won’t want to feel that and will try to evade him. If he works as hard as the husband in the Song to convince you that he rejoices in you, you’ll rejoice in his joy in having you as you give yourself to him.
This affects the way you walk, the way you talk, and your facial expressions. Anyone can see if he has made you comfortable enough to rest in belonging to him that you can rejoice in giving yourself that often.
We need to teach Christians that scientific research supports God’s old paths:
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. But they said, We will not walk therein. Jeremiah 6:16
Christians aren’t raising enough children to keep the church from dying out. Will He find faith on earth? We must convince young people that science has demonstrated that God’s old paths are indeed the best.
Chapter 3 - The Lesson of Leah – Having a Man’s Baby Won’t Make Him Marry You
Scripture shows what drives men to marry. Jacob loved Rachel the moment he saw her (Gen. 29:18[58]) and worked for Laban for 7 years to earn the right to take her to wife:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Why was he willing to do that? He wanted her that badly. Women can never understand a man’s physical drive any more than a man can understand how a mother feels about children, but she needs to know this about men. This verse tells how God intended that marriage should work:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
- Isaac supplied the tent. If a man’s offer to a woman doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical, and a woman shouldn’t consider it. Without that level of commitment it probably won’t last, even if the family and culture force marriage.
- Taking Rebekah made her his wife because he had committed himself to nourish and cherish her when Abraham’s servant set out to find her long before he took her to wife. Taking her without marriage would have turned her into an object or an interchangeable sex toy.
- Isaac loved her and then she was able to comfort him. God created women to be great comfort to their husbands, but a man must first be publically committed to her and then convince his wife that he loves her more than life itself. Then she can comfort him. Pr. 31:28-29[59] and the Song of Solomon teach men how to do that by looking for ways to praise and appreciate her both privately and in public (Pr. 31:31[60]). Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife, not once.
If a man belongs to his wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 2:16[61], 6:3[62]), she will delight in belonging to him (Song 7:10[63]) as her mother advises (Song 8:2-3[64]). This will convince both of them that she belongs to him. If she’s his, her happiness belongs to him in that he will find that making her happy makes him happier than anything he can do for himself. The book of Ecclesiastes is Solomon’s lament that everything he did was vanity and chasing after wind. This was because he did it everything for himself:
I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: Ecclesiastes 2:4
If a woman belongs to her husband, he can pour his life into nourishing and cherishing her and their children. That’s not vanity because it’s for others. Nothing straightens a man like having a woman lean on him. Caring for a woman gives meaning to a man’s life; having her pay “her share” of the rent doesn’t.
Surveys of unmarried couples show that the women believe they’ll marry “in a year or two,” but the men don’t think they’ll marry. A woman may get tired of waiting and have a baby to get him to marry her.
Having a man’s baby doesn’t make a man love her enough to marry her. When Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah instead of Rachel, the Bible tells us that Leah was hated (Gen. 29:31[65]) and Rachel was loved. Leah thought that giving Jacob a son would make him love her:
And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me. 33And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. 34And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi. 35And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing. Genesis 29:32-35
By the time her 4th son was born, Leah realized that having Jacob’s sons wouldn’t make him love her. Abraham, father of Jews and Arabs and honored by both, didn’t marry all the women who had his babies:
But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 25:6
Abraham, the Friend of God (2 Chr. 20:7[66], Isa. 41:8[67]), got at least two women pregnant besides his wives. Did he marry them? No, he sent them away.
If a woman wants marriage, which is the only sensible way to get a man to help raise her children, she must marry before letting him have her. If a woman says she wants to marry but gives herself without marrying, he feels she's a liar. Marriage means nothing or she’d insist on it instead of giving herself. If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else if he marries?
If he can have her without marrying her, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? Why should he take on the heavy responsibility of her and children if he doesn’t have to? Men know little about women, how does a man know whom to marry? If he can have her without marriage, she isn't worth marrying.
Intimacy without commitment is like icing without cake. It can be sweet, but ends up making you sick. The rewards of Pr. 31 are for a virtuous woman, not for one who’s given away her virtue.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
A woman sets her price by what she does. If her price is a few dinners or movies, she worth little. If her price is that he dedicate his life to taking care of her before having her, she can be a priceless treasure.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
What a woman does shouts so loudly that a man can’t hear what she says.
A woman must recognize that there is a big difference between a man wanting her and a man valuing her. A man will marry if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way she will let him have her.
Unmarried Couples
Unmarried couples live together because of parents’ failure to teach them how to create strong marriages which are safe places for children to grow up. Husbands must love wives as Christ loves His people:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
A father’s love nourishes wives, teaches sons how to treat wives and other women, and teaches daughters what to require of men (1 Tim. 5:2[68]). Women who expect honor, respect, and value wouldn’t live with a man without marriage, but many find themselves in this position.
How does a woman who wants to marry persuade her boyfriend to take on the responsibility? Society may accept this, but both partners are disobeying God who forbids fornication:
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. II Corinthians 6:18
In most cases, the woman wishes to marry while the man is reluctant. Such reluctance is often well-founded; many couples who live together for years break up soon after they wed.
Why would a stable couple break up after a wedding? An unhappy woman may cling to her “happily ever after” dream. She thinks that marriage will make him value her more. Once they’re married and he doesn’t treat her better, she knows her dream couldn’t happen because he never valued her beyond a toy.
Few realize that the way a man treats a woman determines whether she likes belonging to him. When a man honors and respects a woman, she’s free give herself to him as a love gift. It’s not something she owes him or that he demands. Giving herself on demand instead of by love makes her feel like a whore. She needs to be able to choose to be glad to give herself instead of just being taken.
There’s another problem in that many men expect a woman to act and think as he would whatever arises. He expects her to be an intellectual and emotional clone of him, without admitting that when God created them “male and female,” He made them very different[69].
On top of that, “Opposites attract.” A woman who’s very neat in her housekeeping may marry a man who creates messes everywhere, and vice versa. A shy man may attract an outgoing woman and vice versa. Such differences often make it impossible for a wife to operate like her man, and his trying to make her do that frustrates them both. He has to back off and let her be as God made her. He must choose to value the gifts and abilities God chose to give her. She can’t expect him to act as she would either.
Men are possessive. A man expects his wife to open herself to him whenever he wants her. He dreams of having her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s his plan. Not all men have this much drive, but having a wife encourage him and tell him that they could do it more often if he exercised to get into better shape is a major encouragement.
If she isn’t his, if he can’t have her when he’s able to, he feels cheated, particularly if she was his before the wedding. Women are possessive – she wants him to open his heart to her when she wants to talk. She may need hours of two-way conversation per day, at least 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.
Men fear that if they give the security of marriage, the woman will trade her favors to get her way instead of giving herself willingly. Bartering favors is whoredom, but many women do it when they feel it’s the only way to express their wants or their basic artistic, musical, decorating, or other desires such as children. A man who doesn’t trust his woman to be his doesn’t want her to feel secure enough to bargain.
All women are sensitive to criticism from men, but wives are more sensitive than roommates. When he criticizes his wife with the same words and tones as before, her hurt is greater. Remarks that wouldn’t bother her before marriage hurt so much that they can drive her away. A man must be gentler with his wife than with his roommate; it’s hard to change habits from living with her before marriage.
This can happen with any couple when the wife decides to obey God and be submissive. It’s a long-term uphill struggle for a woman to give up leadership and independence in each area of her life and rely on her husband. This is especially difficult if he’s inclined to oppress or micromanage her.
It can be hard on a wife who wants to help her husband but he won’t use her help. Even if he’s willing to be helped, he may not explain his plans clearly enough for her to follow effectively. Some men pay vendors whom they trust to do things their way instead of explaining to their wives.
Women may think submitting means they can no longer be persons with their own thoughts and feelings, but will become a servant or clone. Some believe this through experience and some have seen men treat women in this un-Biblical manner. That shouldn’t be so—a wife is meant to be a vital part of her husband’s life who uses her intelligence, skills, gifts, talents, and abilities to build her home, build up her husband, encourage his leadership, help him in his work, and serve the Lord’s work under his guidance.
This is learned behavior. He must learn her strengths so he can rely on her initiative; she must learn to help him and to follow him. It may help if she says, “My husband, I realize that God wants me to belong to you and that I haven’t been yours. I promise to try my best before God and before you to be fully yours. I have developed bad habits over the years that came before I realized how God wanted me to behave. Please be patient with me as I struggle to be the wife God wants me to be.”
Submitting makes a woman more sensitive by taking away her independence, so a wife becomes more sensitive to criticism the more she submits. A man should never criticize a woman, especially when she’s struggling to belong to him. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.
Few women are taught just how physically-driven men are. Women are often attracted to strong men because they’re likely to live long enough to help children grow up. Women think in terms of times per month or perhaps week, a man usually wants times per day. If his wife frustrates him enough, he may let his body get out of shape or gain weight so that he can’t do it as often and won’t be as frustrated. God seldom gives him the strength to do it as often as he’d like, but that’s his plan:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Many women who submit once a month feel that they’re absolutely submissive; there’s no way a man could possibly want more. When we were discussing a couple’s retreat we’d attended, a woman told my wife, “My husband isn’t driven like that” while watching her husband indicating vehement disagreement without saying anything. The next time we saw them, it was obvious he’d convinced her – she acted differently because belonging to a man calms a woman. Anyone who knows her can see the change.
A husband must learn new speech patterns as his wife learns to be his. A woman can’t change overnight, nor does the change proceed steadily. Learning to lean on her husband is frightening, particularly if she’s spent years of independent married life. Some days she’s his, other days she’s back to her old self. Giving her loving support through the change and assuming leadership only as she gives it up teaches her husband why love is called ‘longsuffering’ in I Corinthians 13:1-8, but in the end, he has a wife who delights in belonging to him, a gift which all husbands should have but which few receive.
A woman wants to share her husband’s life by helping him in his work or in anything he wants to do, but she also wants him to share in what she does. Having him sit in the kitchen and talk with her, or better yet, do some chopping as she prepares meals lightens her burden of guiding the house.
She has to be intelligent about appreciating his help. The chance of his doing it the way she would is close to zero. If she complains, he’ll stop trying to help; she must discuss it gently. Remember Proverbs 31:26 “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” Few men will admit it, but a man who loves a woman can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man she loves. Always speak kindly to him. How can you expect him to open his heart to you if you hurt him? How can he expect you to open your body to him if he hurts you?
Insisting on Marriage
The woman usually wants marriage so it’s up to her to get it. A man marries if he wants a woman badly and marriage is the only way to have her; few men buy what they can rent, few rent what’s available free.
God expects a man to honor a woman enough to set her apart from all other women by marrying her before having her. If a man doesn’t value her enough to do that, it’s going to be hard to persuade him to value her that much after having her for nothing while she paid “her share” of the rent.
That is going to make it very hard for him to be willing to accept responsibility by marrying. A woman who decides to push for marriage must realize that she could lose him entirely.
Lovingly but firmly, she must say, “Unmarried sex is wrong before God and before man. You know that as well as I. I love you and want to give my life to you, but I will no longer give you my body outside marriage. Marry me, and I solemnly promise that I will belong to you. I will live on your income and follow your leadership. As my husband, you may have me whenever you want me even when I don’t want you, but without marriage, you may no longer have me at all.” Say that and separate from him sexually!
This is difficult unless she walks out the door. Walking out is hard, particularly if she has no place to go. Her body likes attention and cutting off sex is difficult, especially if she loves him. Most women don’t particularly want touching until after they’ve been touched, then they want it badly from time to time.
If touching comes after marriage, a woman can give herself in confidence that he’s committed to her. If touching comes without marriage, she fears he’ll abandon her and has trouble controlling her desire for his touch even if it has become rottenness to her bones. It’s better to stay chaste until marriage - giving herself even once makes it hard not to give herself again.
He won’t believe her unless she stops. He’ll think she’s tricking him into marriage. Having had her, he knows the tricks to make her fall and tries to get her again. If she surrenders, she’s lost.
Women who give sex without marriage know they’re not respected. Obeying Christ’s command with respect to sex or trying to get out of a relationship which isn’t working isn’t manipulation. Adopting a path of virtue is the best way to get him to value and respect her enough to marry her in sincerity and truth.
He’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her.
If he doesn’t marry her, she’ll want to marry someone else. She knows the pain of giving herself and her heart without marriage. That should give her strength to tell another man, “No, that mistake hurts, and never again. No sex until we’re married and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job to support me.”
Holy Matrimony is a Sacred Covenant Sealed with Blood
A woman who’s trying to repent of sexual sin will be encouraged by God’s provision for such situations.
God planned that the marriage covenant be sealed with blood. Mal.2:14 refers to “the wife of thy covenant.” “Thy covenant” refers to the husband. A man offers his marriage covenant to the woman. If she accepts his covenant, they’re married when he takes her to wife after a public declaration to God before witnesses. What matters is the desire of their hearts. If they intend to marry from their hearts, if they mean to sanctify each other before God and others, joining is holy and pure, otherwise it’s polluted.
Blood is very important to God. We Christians are sanctified through the blood of Jesus Christ:
By the which will we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. Hebrews 10:10
Wherefore Jesus also, that he might sanctify the people with his own blood, suffered without the gate. Hebrews 13:21
Blood was very important to God from the time He chose Abraham to be the first of His people:
Whereupon neither the first testament was dedicated without blood. For when Moses had spoken every precept to all the people according to the law, he took the blood of calves and of goats, with water, and scarlet wool, and hyssop, and sprinkled both the book, and all the people, saying, This is the blood of the testament which God hath enjoined unto you. Moreover he sprinkled with blood both the tabernacle, and all the vessels of the ministry. And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission. Hebrews 9:18-22
Moses sprinkled the book of the law, that is, the Bible, and sprinkled the people as a sign that they would obey the Word of God. All of the equipment of the temple was sanctified to God by being sprinkled with blood. The Bible then says, “And almost all things are by the law purged with blood…” (Hebrews 9:22).
God created all things from a plan, He did nothing by accident. A woman sheds blood on three different occasions. The first time a man takes a woman, her blood is shed. This blood, which the Bible calls “tokens of her virginity,” sanctifies her marriage covenant if he takes her in marriage, otherwise shedding her blood profanes God’s sacred marriage covenant. They aren’t married until he takes her to wife (Gen. 24:67[70]); his marriage covenant takes effect when sealed with her blood.
Abraham, the weaker party, gave up animals to provide blood to seal God’s covenant with him (Gen. 15). The woman, the weaker party, gives up her innocence to provide blood to seal her husband’s marriage covenant with her (Deu. 22:20-21[71]). She loses her innocence and learns about men, but she does not lose her purity. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled.” If he takes her to wife, she keeps her purity, otherwise she gives her purity away and they’re both defiled.
Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. 16What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. I Corinthians 6:15-16
There’s more sanctification in marriage than just the marriage covenant alone:
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. I Corinthians 7:14
A woman sheds blood to sanctify her marriage covenant and sheds blood to sanctify her children, that is, to set them apart and make them holy, by shedding blood when giving birth. There’s no need to baptize babies, they’ve been sanctified to God by their mother’s shed blood. Childbearing sanctifies the mother:
Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. I Timothy 2:15
Every month she’s not pregnant or nursing, a woman’s womb cleans itself with blood at the end of her cycle. Her blood purifies her womb to prepare a place where God can mold and make a sanctified child. Every month, a woman who’s fallen into sin has a chance to start over again in purity if she repents from fornication and stops doing it. That is far easier said than done, but she has a way forward:
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
The blood a woman sheds is important to God, but how many Christians respect it? How many Christian men honor and sanctify by marrying her first and treating her as a gift (1 Thess. 4:3-6[72])? How many Christian couples pollute God’s sacred marriage covenant with the “lust of concupiscence?”
The physical side of marriage is holy and pure (Heb. 13:4[73]). There’s no reason to be shy; there is no reason not to teach it; we should respect and honor it. God not only made marriage honorable, He gave women a path to recover from polluting His marriage covenant and press toward His mark in purity.
Chapter 4 – Having Answers Before and During Marriage
God ordained both salvation and marriage. If you try to get to Heaven your own way, you go to Hell when you die. You’ve seen people do marriage their own way and make life Hell on earth, but Holy Matrimony done God’s way gives husband and wife a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth. Let’s explain how!
Yea, all of you [the entire church which includes all married couples] be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5b
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
Hear the pain in God’s voice! This came after God plagued the Egyptians so that they drove the Jews out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea for them, gave them water from a rock, and they worshipped a golden calf!
You can’t separate God’s love from His holiness. His love makes Him want to bless us, but His Holiness means He can’t unless we keep His commandments! You can choose to follow Him or go your own way:
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
God put very strong desires into men and women so that we’d pair up in marriage to give Him children:
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm 127:3
Women drive marriage and civilization. Pres. Reagan said, “If it weren’t for women, men would be swinging clubs and sleeping in trees.” A responsible man works hard caring for his car, boat, or whatever matters to him. Without a wife, a man would sleep in a cave or in his truck. If his wife chooses to belong to him, he spends great effort caring for her. His need to keep his wife happy and comfortable drives civilization.
He’ll marry a woman and care for her if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way she’ll let him have her. If he can have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have?
[Holy Matrimony where spouses choose to appreciate and serve each other] greatly increases the chance for a child to be raised in a nurturing two-parent home, which studies have shown provides a child the most advantageous environment for growing into his or her potential.[74] [emphasis added]
Scripture tells how to do this. “The words of King Lemuel, the wisdom his mother taught him (Pr. 31:1).” A working mother has neither time nor emotional energy to teach sons to nourish and cherish wives. Men don’t know, so a woman must be ready to explain why she wants a man to follow God’s plan of marriage.
Give Your Spouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You
Naomi gave the foundation of marriage when she hoped her daughters would find rest with new husbands:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
On our very next date after my wife agreed to marry me, she asked that I never criticize her. “Your opinion of me will be very important to me. I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
She had a point – nowhere in the Bible does a husband criticize his wife. I don’t want to keep her from loving me. I watch what I say so she can feel safe and find rest in loving me. Scripture tells how:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
People who love each other can be hurt badly by unkind words. We try to be sure our tongues are health.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 4:31-5:2
Our sins have been washed away. When God looks on my wife or me, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 6:11[75]). To be a follower of God, we must see each other and think of each other and speak of each other as having the same perfection that God sees in us by His grace.
This makes it safe for me to rest in loving her. Men don’t want to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt. Jesus sent His disciples out as God had sent Him and gave them the Holy Spirit (Jn. 20:21-22[76]). Peter led them to go fishing instead. Jesus fed them and then asked Peter “Do you love Me?”
Peter had seen Jesus weep. He knew that if he let himself love the lost as Jesus had, he would be hurt when people he loved chose not to accept the gospel. Having created Peter, Jesus knew that Peter loved Jesus. Jesus’ questions didn’t make Peter love Jesus, but forced him to admit to himself that he loved Jesus. Admitting his love for Jesus made Peter want to please Jesus; he spread the Gospel for the rest of his life.
I understand Peter because my dad never admitted to himself that he loved my mother. He said he did:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
He never appreciated the work she did to support his ministry. The hardest thing about being a missionary wife is that learning enough of a foreign culture to share womanly feelings is far more difficult than learning enough to spread the Gospel. When my wife tried to talk about raising me, my mother had felt so unloved and had had so little conversation that she’d forgotten how to do woman-talk. She spoke of leaving my dad.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
Feeling neither loved nor appreciated dried my mother’s bones. She thought dad would leave her when she was diagnosed with cancer, but he took early retirement and cared for her until she died. She finally knew he loved her, but by that time it was too late. She died at 62; her mother lived into her nineties. Given the choice of living 30 more years feeling unloved or dying knowing she was loved, she’d have chosen early death. Being convinced of being loved and appreciated is life to a wife. Don’t dry your wife’s bones.
Our care to have the law of kindness in our tongues makes it safe for us to love each other. Our love for Jesus makes us want to please Him by loving each other and serving each other. We strive to make our home safe for everyone’s feelings, emotions, and hurts. That makes our home safe for us and for our children.
When a woman wants a man to change, she should find a way to make her point without saying anything. Some say, “A woman can’t change a man by loving him. He changes himself when he loves her.” God says:
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation[77] of the wives; I Peter 3:1
That means without saying anything. When we married, I’d lived 9 years in non-family situations. When I tracked mud into our house, she grabbed a rag and silently wiped up behind me. I quit doing it.
She was frustrated when I put the quilt on our bed wrong – both sides looked the same to me. She decided I really didn’t know which way was up and told me where to put the tag – that solved the problem.
I’ll say, “That didn’t work out as well as we expected…” Note the “we.” She does most things to please me so I’m part of all she does. My taking responsibility means I’m not criticizing her when things go wrong.
When you die, people will remember the very last thing you said. Never say anything which wouldn’t please you as a last memory of you. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything, not ever.
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, / Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit / Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, / Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” ― Omar Khayyám
Before marriage, a couple should agree that anyone who must leave to avoid saying something harmful will be back within 24 hours. We know a couple who didn’t have this agreement. When she had to leave soon after marriage and didn’t say she’d return, he thought it was over. She came back after a few hours of cooling down, but he never got over his fear that she’d abandon him. Men are more sensitive than they’ll admit.
Helping each other feel safe during all the frustrations of life is a challenge. Office conflict costs so much that conflict avoidance has been studied a lot. Here’s some guidance for avoiding conflict in marriage[78].
Answers for the Lost
God expects us to be ready to explain our joy in this life (1 Pe. 3:15[79]). People seeing the fruit of the spirit (Gal. 5:22-23[80]) may ask why we have more hope and joy than they. We have the honor of laboring together with God. We plant and water (1 Cor. 3:6-9[81]) by telling people how to find the joy of the Lord (Neh. 8:10[82]).
God expects couples to dedicate their lives to serving Him by serving each other, their children, and His church. As a Christian, you should be convinced that God loves you, He wants your life to glorify Him, and He created your spouse to bless you. You’ll find the keys to a joyful life in His word, so read it!
Society once supported marriage. It was illegal for a man and woman to live together without being married and divorce was very difficult. All states have passed no-fault laws so that either party can walk away for any reason or for no reason. It’s easier to get out of a marriage than to get out of paying for a refrigerator.
Romans 7:4[83] uses the word “marriage” to describe the relationship between an individual Christian and Christ. Holy Matrimony is a picture of the unbreakable bond between Jesus and each of His believers. Lost people see unhappy Christian marriages and divorce. If we can’t handle this life any better than they, why should they care what we say about the life to come? Divorce damages our children and our testimony.
A bad marriage shows the misery of Hell, but God wants every marriage to show the joys of Heaven. John 3:16 sums up salvation in one verse, can you give one verse which shows how marriage works? See page 7.
Churches must teach us to thank God for marriage. Older women must teach young women about men (Ti. 2:4-5[84]). Older men must teach young men to honor, praise, respect, and protect women (Ti. 2:6[85]).
Our Answers
My mother taught me John 3:16 so long ago that I can’t remember not knowing it:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
Jesus died on the cross to take the punishment for my sins, and His blood washed all of my sins and shame away. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was in 2nd grade, but I had no understanding of the Christian walk. I realized in the spring of 1961 that my 10th grade classmates were going where God didn’t want me to go. I vividly remember choosing not to go their way and I’ve tried to follow God’s path ever since.
My wife accepted Christ about the same age I did. Her father started her helping teach Sunday School when she was 12. She remembers sanctifying herself to go God’s way in 12th grade. We both knew that God was good, that God loved both of us, and that God gave us the Bible to bless us if we chose to follow it.
My wife always wanted to be a wife and mother. She knew that Titus 2:4-584, Eph. 5:22-24[86], and Eph. 5:33127 told her to obey her husband. She had faith that obeying God would bless her even though she couldn’t understand how. She saw that she had to find a man whom she trusted and respected enough to obey, who was going where God wanted her to go, and who would help her glorify God along with him.
Men, it’s hard for a woman to respect you if you aren’t respectable. How can your wife honor you if you aren’t honorable? She can’t obey you if she doesn’t understand what you want; she can’t follow you unless she knows where you’re going and unless she trusts you. Here’s a problem: God made men and women think very differently, for good reason. Women often have a hard time understanding a man’s thinking or his plans.
Some men say that women are too emotional to understand men, but “a prudent wife is from the LORD (Pr. 19:14b).” The exact mixture of logic and emotion that God gave each woman is from Him. A man’s wife needs a lot of explanation. A husband must explain his plans. No matter how much longsuffering it takes!
And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; II Timothy 2:24-25a
This is for all Christians, not just for husbands, particularly the part about “in meekness instructing.”
Parents and Churches Must Teach Holy Matrimony
Society has abandoned marriage, so we must teach how it’s done. Society claims that men and women are have the same needs. In addition to teaching young women how to love husbands, older women must also teach what women are! Knowing God’s plan for them helps girls remember the right answers to give men.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
What do babies do when anything goes wrong? Scream for mommy. Toddlers run and find mommy. A child knows that daddy’s wife is a Good Thing; daddy should know this and proclaim it to everyone.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12
There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
Daughters must be taught that getting attention from men without setting boundaries leads to trouble:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
God multiplied sorrow to women by making them sensitive to how men treat them, and He strengthened a woman’s desire to be with a man as a punishment. Girls must be careful about getting involved with men:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
A woman shouldn’t let herself get emotionally tangled with a man until after he marries her.
Jesus told us that men marry, women are given in marriage. A wife is a gift to her husband:
They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, Luke 17:27a
In a church wedding, some old guy comes in with the bride. What’s he doing? He says that he and her mother are giving her to her husband. That’s OK, but a wife is also a gift from whom? From God:
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11 This is worth repeating:
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
A wife is a good and perfect gift from God to her husband. Honor her for being a woman with emotions!
1 Peter 3:7 commands giving honour unto the wife. Being honored by her husband gives her rest.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A woman who involves herself with a man takes on the yoke of pleasing him. Will he make his yoke easy and his burden light by helping her learn of him? She can’t please him without knowing his wants in detail.
Ladies, you must first know what you are: God’s good and perfect gifts to your husbands, and insist on it.
Advantages of a Meek and Quiet Spirit
Women must also be taught to behave modestly to avoid unwanted male attention. Modern society teaches girls to dress in revealing clothes and to flirt to attract attention from men. That’s anti-Biblical:
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3:3-4
In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. I Timothy 2:9-10
Society teaches women to act like toys. Godly behavior is the opposite of flirting, dressing in “marketing mode,” or giving signals that tell men “come play with me.” If you aren’t giving it away, don’t advertise.
Ever watch a boy play with a toy truck? He pushes it one way then another way until he gets tired of it. Then he throws it away and grabs another toy. It’s wrong for a man to stir up a woman’s emotions by playing with her, but many men play with women when women let them or advertise their availability.
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[87]
When Magic Johnson talked about having AIDS in 1991, I read that women dressed in low-cut spandex and lined up outside locker rooms. Athletes would come out, choose a toy from the lineup, and take her to bed.
How could a woman give herself to a man who didn’t even know her name? A reporter interviewed some of the women. Their general feeling was, “We are nothing and will always be nothing. But when we’re in bed with a hero, some of his greatness rubs off on us.” How sad that these women hadn’t been taught that God created them to be His treasured gift for one man, not sex toys who wander from man to man seeking love.
“. . . the inability to bond after multiple liaisons is rooted in the fact that our behaviors actually physically change our brains. The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals.”[88]
“. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[89]
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9101). Giving herself to a man binds her to him. Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly. Breaking up can make it very hard for either of them to form a strong marriage later.
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[90] [Because women are made for men; men aren’t made for women.]
The book “Unprotected” by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman https://a.co/d/fIG4k9d confirms that casual sex is very damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 students for depression and other emotional problems at a university, she wrote that a woman can become very depressed when she finds that her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex. Most women associate sex with permanent commitment; men not as much.
The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are “designed” to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter.[91]
Men Don’t Always Respect or Honor Women
Sinful men pervert God’s gift of attraction between men and women and may rape or murder just for pleasure from a woman. Sarah was so beautiful that Abraham had her say that she was his sister because he feared he’d be murdered when he traveled to Egypt during a famine (Gen. 12:10-20). Sure enough:
The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house. Genesis 12:15
Pharaoh didn’t ask if Sarah wanted to come into his house. Adam didn’t ask Eve whether she wanted to be called “woman (Gen. 2:23)” or “Eve (Gen. 3:20).” Nobody asked Esther whether she wanted to belong to King Ahasuerus (Est. 2:8[92]). Did David ask Bathsheba if she wanted to date him (2 Sam. 11:4[93])?
Isaac traveled to Gerar to flee a famine. He was afraid that men would murder him to have Rebekah and told her to say she was his sister. The local ruler wasn’t happy about being deceived:
And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us. Genesis 26:10
Rape would be only a light moment of pleasure because Rebekah had no right to her own body. She was married, however, so her rapist would have been guilty of a property crime against her husband.
The Bible isn’t alone in describing a man’s natural attitude of taking rape lightly. “The Sexual Assault Case That Shook Ancient Rome”[94] explains:
A prominent politician was accused of raping a 12-year-old actress—in 54 B.C. The way his legendary lawyer dismissed it speaks volumes about how we prosecute these crimes now. . . .
It was more than 2,000 years before the #MeToo movement, but a scene similar to the ones we’ve witnessed so often lately was already playing out. A prominent politician was on trial for corruption and bribery, charges bolstered by dirt his enemies had dug up from his past: the violent sexual assault of a young girl.
Those charges of corruption and bribery were a serious matter, but to the men in the court, the rape charge was nothing. It was harmless boys-will-be-boys misbehavior — something half the men there were guilty of themselves. [emphasis added]
Women must be taught to be careful. Women complain about “rape culture” but put themselves in danger by getting drunk. If a woman leaves her purse in a convertible with the top down, is it a surprise if someone steals it? People shouldn’t steal and men shouldn’t rape, but should women be careful?
Treating sex as play harms women. A woman should be valued for far more than sex. Being treated as a toy and discarded can make it hard for a woman to trust a husband enough to give herself to him as freely and as joyfully as he and God expect.
Women need Answers when a Man Approaches
God helped us a lot as my wife and I courted and married. We understood the basics from Bible reading and attending church, but we missed two major ideas. We made two bad mistakes that could have damaged our marriage, but God protected us because we’d involved Him. More on that later.
A woman needs answers when a man’s interested in her. A year before I found her, my wife thought she’d marry her boyfriend. He was a youth group leader and served in the church, but he could be very negative. Some weekends were wonderful because she liked spending time at church with the man she loved. Other weekends were awful because he tore her down. She never knew how their time together would go. She became timid and introverted, not wanting to say anything for fear of being criticized or corrected unkindly.
Her parents had always loved her and encouraged her. She’d been an outgoing person before she met him. They were worried at seeing her become withdrawn and uncertain from being around him.
Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”
Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew his family. He said her friend had a critical spirit and there was no way she’d be able to make him happy. When she asked her boyfriend about it, he huffed, “That’s the way I am. If you don’t like it, good bye!” so she stopped seeing him.
What was her mistake? She hadn’t guarded her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God! Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
Our hearts define what we are, but we’re supposed to rule our emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Having learned why she should let God direct her (Pr. 3:5-6[95]), she asked God to choose her husband.
A year went by and she wanted to marry. She prayed, “Oh God, please, send me a husband or make me content without one.” One day, as she opened her hymnbook, she felt that she’d been seen by a man behind her. “Is this my husband?” she thought. She was thinking of marrying me before she even saw me!
She felt my interest in her. This “situational sense” is how God protects women from bigger, stronger men. Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” https://a.co/d/4t8Ik2u describes women who were robbed or raped. They said they felt uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking. His book says to pay attention when we feel something’s wrong and discusses ways to tell which fears are real and which are not. A woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks (Judges 16:18a[96]). Many women ignore God’s gift for protection and won’t look because they’re afraid they might see something negative and have to call it off . . .
We talked for an hour or so after church, then I told her I was going to date her. I didn’t ask her, I told her. Way back then, women’s lib told women not to follow any man; I needed to know if she’d take direction.
For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:45
If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all. Mark 9:35
A man must lead a woman by serving her, but that works only if she’s willing to follow, see page 65.
She knew I was taking command. Wheels turned behind her eyes 15-20 seconds. She heard God ask, “Who’s going to choose? You or me?” She gulped and said “OK.” She gulped even though she wanted to date me and was pretty sure God planned to give her to me. Having seen her friends hurt badly by men, she knew that getting involved with a man would have a profound effect on her life. She’s not alone.
Rebecca veiled herself before meeting Isaac (Gen. 24:65[97]). It wasn’t the custom to veil or Isaac wouldn’t have told her to say she was his sister (Gen. 26:7[98]). Why did she veil? She knew Isaac’s plans would have a strong effect on her. All she knew about Isaac was that he was a relative who could fling the bling (Gen. 24:53[99]). She hoped to find rest in marriage to him. Covering herself gave her a little space.
Her Terms and Conditions
I asked my future wife to lunch at the next opportunity. She said “Yes,” but as we were leaving church for the restaurant, she gave her real answer. “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not just looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”
Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart. When a woman lets herself fall in love with a man who isn’t willing to marry anyone, she’s crusin’ for a brusin’; she’s in for a world of hurt.
When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me to pay her way. In the past, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn’t marry unless he’d grown up enough to have a job. Even back in 1971, many women lived with men without marriage, paid “their share” of the rent, and became “friends with benefits.” She was letting me know she wasn’t going to do that.
When God told Adam he’d eat by the sweat of his face, God made no provision for Eve to eat. Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery; the Chinese character for “man” combines “field” and “strength” because men provide strength in the field. For generations, a woman starved if she didn’t please a man enough for him to choose to feed her. The Bible sums up marriage in one verse, page 7:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
She made the same points. She expected me to pay, she expected marriage, she expected me to treat her as a treasure, and she planned to be a treasure. Rebekah knew Isaac loved her so she was able to comfort him. A woman can’t comfort a man unless she feels loved. A woman can’t create much love, but she multiplies all the love her husband gives her and fills her house and church with love and light.
She re-emphasized marriage by telling me she wasn’t a toy. She’d seen her friends get involved with men who didn’t see anything wrong with sex outside marriage even if the woman wasn’t willing, see page 30.
God made women for men (Gen. 2:18[100], 1 Cor. 11:8-9[101]). A woman who loves a man puts on the yoke of pleasing him (1 Cor. 7:34[102]). She needs a man who’s naturally pleased with her the way God made her.
When a man says he loves a girl, he means he wants her to open her body to him. Men think the birth control pill means a girl plans to have sex. This makes it hard to say “No,” so she shouldn’t take it. She can say, “We can’t do that, you’ll get me pregnant. The pill causes blood clots and dangers so I’m not taking it. No sex unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.”
Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that’s why men want women. I was attracted to her, I liked talking to her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband! I didn’t know she had no idea what being my treasure meant, but I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me. If she meant that, I’d be a fool not to marry her. I said, “Sure,” and we went to lunch.
The Course Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth - William Shakespeare
On the way to the restaurant, I did something very Japanese that made her angry. She could have gotten in her car and driven home. If she’d done that, I’d have been badly hurt and we probably wouldn’t have married.
She thought, “This guy’s smitten with me. He didn’t offer to buy me food to make me mad.” Instead of showing anger, she gently asked why I’d done it. When I told her, she liked my reason. She saw that there would be many such issues, but she could trust me to tell her why. When I opened my heart to her as Boaz opened his heart to Ruth the day they met (Ruth 2:11-12[103]), she knew that we’d be OK if I told her why. Her assuming I didn’t want to anger her got her a husband. Assuming good faith is a key to happy marriage!
“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken!” – Oliver Cromwell
Putting Marriage on the Table
Was it Biblical to mention marriage first? Boaz saw Ruth daily as she gleaned (Ru. 2:23[104]), but Boaz didn’t think of marriage. Once she gave him the idea, it was such a good idea he rushed out and married her.
Get marriage on the table immediately. If a man won’t agree to consider marrying a woman who plans to be God’s treasure for her husband, there’s something wrong with him and she shouldn’t waste her time.
Answers While Dating
She’d asked God to choose her husband. Knowing that I didn’t know how to nourish and cherish her, the Holy Spirit led her to tell me how. This was of God because I understood what she said. After we married, her mind works so differently from mine that it took me a year to begin to understand her thoughts.
On our second date, she told me she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night. She’d asked God to protect her years ago, now she asked me to help God protect her. I knew God commands purity so I was OK with this. My classmates were pretty casual about sex. It was a good thing the Holy Spirit told her to remind me that God expected me to protect her from the moment we met until the hour of my death.
How Would I Rule Her?
She saw I could rule her when I said we’d date, but she wanted to know how I’d rule. Our third date was at my apartment with my roommate. She did something I told her not to do. She said, “You can’t stop me.” Ladies, if you challenge a man, he’ll be tempted to react physically. This puts you at risk. We didn’t understand the danger. I carried her upstairs to the shower and let her know she was asking for a soaking. “I don’t have any other clothes.” It was summer; the clothes she was wearing would dry in a few hours.
She said, “I’ll behave,” so I never turned the shower on. I didn’t yell; I didn’t hit her. She knew I’d rule gently so it would be safe to promise to obey me. She rested in following me and started saying “Yes, sir” as the spirit moved her. Resting in me changed her body language so much that at our first visit to her parents’ house the next week, her mother thought, “She’s calm. She feels safe with him. They’ll marry soon.”
Challenging me wasn’t a good idea, but we didn’t know any better. She’d accepted God’s guidance but that didn’t keep us from making mistakes along the way. I hadn’t thought enough about dating to know how else to deal with her challenge. A friend of ours locked his wife out in the snow until she agreed to get with his program. Was that a better idea? Servant leadership works only on the willing; could she follow me?
Protecting Her Purity
We had no idea how important purity is to Holy Matrimony, but we found out why God had her tell me how much it meant to her. My desire for her had been building since we met. She’d made purity important so I played things very cool for weeks. We knew fornication was wrong; we were saving ourselves for marriage.
She was put off because I was so aloof. She was about to marry me, she was about to commit her life to me, and she wanted to know I loved her and that I wanted her badly enough to stay with her. She looked at me with a peculiar look and said, “You’re acting so cold and aloof, I’m not sure you really want me!”
This 2nd ill-advised challenge blew me away. Not knowing any better, I reacted as a man. I was doing my best to keep us pure, and she didn’t know I wanted her! There are times when there’s nothing you can say to a woman, there are times when the only way to convince her is with action. I put my arms firmly around her and kissed her thoroughly, just like romance stories, I put a burning kiss on her upturned face.
I didn’t know that kissing could trigger her desires. We hadn’t understood God’s warning:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
“Touch” carries the meaning of kindling her or arousing her. Having had no instruction in that area, I had crossed God’s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness. Some tell younger women not to kiss because it may give him ideas. That’s utterly wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When both parties have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
“From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws couples together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.”[105] [emphasis added]
She relaxed for a few seconds, then struggled, then went limp. I finished kissing and looked at her. She was stunned. She was panting lightly; her face was flushed. I picked up her hand and it flopped down to her side, she was limp. My kiss had set her off, her hormones were in charge; she was mine for the taking.
I then did the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’d had ideas since the moment we met. That kiss worked on me, too, I was no longer cool or aloof, I wanted her as badly as she wanted me to take her, but I backed her up until she sat down in a chair, I backed up to another chair, and sat down to get my breath.
After a few minutes, she said, “Wow, you really do want me!” I said, “Yeah, but we better get out of here,” and we got. We were never, ever alone again until after our wedding.
She told me what happened. She said, “I felt a falling sensation, that’s when I struggled, then I was lost. You could’ve done anything you wanted with me, and I couldn’t have done anything about it. I couldn’t yell, I couldn’t struggle, I was yours.”
That’s how date rape happens, a man rubs her or kisses her for a few seconds at the wrong time, and she’s his. The man will say “she wanted it.” She may have wanted it, but so what? Eve wanted the forbidden fruit and Adam, whom God told to protect (keep) the garden (Gen. 2:15[106]), failed to protect her from her desires.
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited. We had to talk through our disagreements. We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[107]
How can a woman follow a man or obey him when she knows he failed to protect her from his desires or from her desires? If he took her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women? If she gave herself without marriage, how can he trust her? Studies show that’s not a good foundation for marriage.
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex”[108]
There is a cure. The man is the leader so he must apologize to her, to her parents, and to God. If she enticed him, she also must apologize to him and to her parents. Then God can cleanse them (1 Jn. 1:9[109]).
Being Confident She’s Wanted
A woman wants to be sure that a potential husband wants her badly. If she’s attracted strongly enough to a man to consider spending the rest of her life with him, she wants him to be absolutely nuts over her. She knows that the time will come when she's got the flu, she's pregnant out to here, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she's too sick to do anything about it. If he's really smitten with her, he'll stick around and help her through it instead of running off. But how does she know?
Before the welfare system existed, a father knew that his daughter and his grandchildren could starve if her husband abandoned her. Prospective bridegrooms among the Fulani tribesmen in Nigeria had to prove their manhood and their desire for the woman by submitting to a severe flogging.[110]
And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. 17And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Joshua 15:16-17
Othniel wanted Achsah badly enough to risk his life in battle. Legends tell us that knights in the Middle Ages performed daring deeds to win a lady’s favor, a concept rooted in the chivalric code.
“To be a great knight, you ought to have consideration of civilians, for women,” Wollock says. “The greatest knights are inspired by the love of some lady out there and want to impress her and win her love by doing great deeds.”[111]
Women always want to know, but challenging a man physically isn’t a safe way to test his desire. Her father or other male relative can measure his commitment when talking with him, page 51.
Talking is More Important to Wives than Men Can Imagine
The Book of Esther shows how badly wives want to talk to husbands. King Ahasuerus had an empire-wide beauty contest for a new queen. Esther won and became queen. When Haman conspired to murder all the Jews, Esther’s uncle Mordecai asked her to talk to her husband to try to stop the slaughter. Esther replied:
All the king's servants, and the people of the king's provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or women, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live: but I have not been called to come in unto the king these thirty days. Esther 4:11
Ahasuerus “loved Esther above all the women (Esther 2:17)” but he ignored her for a month. Wives yearn to talk to their husbands. Suppose the king told his wives not to come to his office. When a king’s wife tried to come in to talk to him, would a guard get physical with her to keep her out? Not if he valued his head.
The only way to keep his wives from trying to talk to him when he hadn’t called was to threaten them with death! That is how badly wives yearn to talk to husbands. Proverbs 17:22 teaches, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” Not being able to talk to her husband dries her bones.
Some say, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.” Opening his heart enough to love a woman’s soul takes so many days of talk that a man can’t belong to more than one. Instead of having one woman enjoy belonging to him, Solomon had 1,000 unhappy women under his roof. No wonder his soul was empty (Ec. 7:27-28[112]).
Why did David want Bathsheba when he had so many wives? Because he hadn’t taken the time to open his heart to any of his wives enough to love her soul. He wasn’t satisfied, so he lusted after Bathsheba.
I didn’t know that, so the Holy Spirit had my wife-to-be explain. Shortly before our wedding, she told me she was looking forward to being married. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I really like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
What??!! That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. As she got marriage on the table, as she asked me to focus my attention on her alone, as she made me responsible for protecting her purity, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our coming marriage covenant.
I had no idea how vital this was. Let’s just say that a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[113]). It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can begin to understand what a woman is saying. If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.
Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31:11 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open my heart to her. Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me makes her mine. The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife should belong to each other. God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and all that talk made me hers.
I was really put off by the idea of so much talk, but the Holy Spirit’s timing was perfect – I couldn’t contain:
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:9
That weekend her mother told me, “There’s so much to do. We may have to postpone the wedding.” I told her she could postpone the wedding, but I wasn’t going to postpone the honeymoon. She got it done.
When she saw us after the honeymoon, she asked if I’d learned how to handle her daughter. “Yes,” I replied. “With both hands!” A woman must be taught that her husband plans to handle her with both hands.
My eagerness to marry her in spite of asking for all that talk illustrates Naomi’s advice how to get married:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Sex has always defined marriage. A woman may guide a man’s house without marrying him, we have housemaids. A woman may raise a man’s children without marrying him; we have nannies and teachers. A woman may feed a man without marriage; we have cooks.
A woman can work with or for a man. A man and woman may do just about everything together without being married, but there’s one thing tradition and God say they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex. As Naomi told Ruth, desire followed by commitment followed by sex defines marriage.
Jacob worked for Rachel’s father for seven years. He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked together, and did things together. Why wasn’t this enough for him? Why did he want to marry her?
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Jacob wanted to marry so he could have sex with Rachel; God and custom required marriage before sex.
Many women give a man rest without insisting on marriage. If he can have her without marrying, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t already have? There’s an old saying, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that zing!” A man will marry if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her.
Talking the Way a Wife Needs is Difficult for a Man
Men and women speak in such different ways that it’s difficult for them to understand each other[114]. Wives, opening his heart to you whenever you want to talk is as hard for a man as your opening your body to him whenever he’s able to have you. The Bible tells women to submit to their husbands. Doing that when she’d rather do something else is what submission is. God gives a very explicit command to husbands:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
Jn. 1:1[115] says that God is His Word. Ps. 138:2[116] says that God values His word above His Name. If a Christian doesn’t love the Word of God, does he love God? If a man doesn’t love his wife’s words, does he love her? Will she feel loved? This means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, feelings, and think about her when making decisions. If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband brings home chocolate, will she feel loved? The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation. There’s a reward – the better his wife knows him, the more easily she can please him.
This can be very hard. My wife’s sister’s husband died and she flew to the service celebrating his life. She told me about it on the phone and on the way back from the airport. She told a friend at church sitting close enough that I heard it all. She then told me everything she’d told her friend. She went over this very emotional experience at least 20 times. She felt differently about it each time, but to me, she was talking about the same thing, over and over. I had to care about it each time in spite of being bored. That’s hard.
God is just. My wife thinks I want to do the same old thing over and over. It’s new and different to me each time, but to her, it’s the same. “Again? Didn’t we just do that?” God expects us to value each other’s things (Phi. 2:4[117]), but it takes hours and days of back-and-forth, question-and-answer to learn what they are.
My son’s wife asked about church policy. It took 45 minutes of question and answer for me to understand her question because she thought so differently from my wife. It took 15 minutes to explain my answer. After another 10 minutes, it turned out that my answer was wrong. We worked out the right answer together.
There is no way a man can spend that much time learning about more than one woman. Obeying God’s command for a husband to know his wife means that he can have only one.
Why Our Purity Was Important
Serving God by belonging to me cost her far more than she had expected. My wife knew that God told Eve that her desire would be to her husband (Gen. 3:16[118]) and she knew that women are made for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[119]), women must think about those passages. She thought God meant that she’d want to get married. She’d wanted to be a wife and mother all her life; she thought she understood what God had in mind.
Nobody had told her what to expect. She didn’t know that God had worked on her hormones so that she’d really be mine. A few hours after our wedding, she was shocked at how strongly she yearned to belong to me. My taking her to wife had deeply changed her feelings. She’d expected to love me, but she was shocked to lose her sense of independence as God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me.
Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate. Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship. She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can’t make herself separate. This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive.[120] [emphasis added]
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man humbles a woman by taking her, that’s part of the cost of a man in her life. A wife should choose to humble herself in marriage as Jesus humbled Himself on earth:
And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 4:8
Humbling herself by belonging to her new husband and serving me gladly helped her children have a father, but my wife’s strong feeling of belonging to me made her feel she was falling through space. Losing her independence was the most frightening experience of her life. She couldn’t sleep!
Her mind wanted her to run and get back her independence, but instead of running, she went in the next room and cried out to God, “Oh, Lord, what have I done, I let this man take me, now I belong to him!”
Then she prayed, “God, I asked you to stop me if he wasn’t right for me, and You didn’t.” She knew God was faithful. All her days, she’d prayed that God would work on her heart to make her the wife He wanted her to be. This feeling of belonging to me didn’t make sense, nobody had told her about it, but such a strong feeling from within her had to be God working on her heart as she’d asked Him to do. She finally prayed, “Lord, You must really want me to belong to him. If that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.” Having chosen to humble herself by belonging to me, she came back to bed.
Years later, she thanked me for not taking her before the wedding. “You gave me your grandmother’s ring,“ she said, “and you promised before God and both our families that you’d take care of me, and I was still terrified. If that had happened before you’d committed yourself to me, I’d have had to work hard to turn off that part of my feelings, and I might not have been able to turn them back on.”
I Serve God by Serving You
24 hours after our wedding, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me talking was important to her, so we talked. “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “Neat-o! We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for God because He told me to. I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
The next day, I said, “God wants me to lead you and take care of you. The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all. If I’m to lead you as God wants, I have to lead you by serving you. You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
Marriage, like salvation, is an undeserved gift of God. The only way to be saved is to repent, die to your former life, and be married to Christ (Ro. 7:4[121]). A husband won’t deserve his wife’s submission, his wife won’t deserve his giving his life to nourish her; those are undeserved gifts of God’s grace. God expects married people to serve Him by serving each other, their children, and their church.
Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh. The only way two people can become one is for each of them to die to themselves in favor of their new family. Each must give the other the same love and grace God gave in salvation (I Pe. 4:10[122]). As Christ chose to love you regardless of your sins, you and your spouse must choose to love and serve each other no matter what ‘til death do you part.
As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect; you can only do this by the Grace of God. Watching her husband love her in spite of her failures increases her love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa (II Cor. 5:14a[123]). When lost people see a couple give God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace, and we have the privilege of laboring together with God (1 Cor. 3:9[124]) to tell anyone how to get it.
Salvation is about God giving – for God so loved that He gave. My wife so loves God that she let God give her to me, I so love God that I let God give me to her. Our love for each other flows from our love for God.
Men and Women See Marriage Differently
A healthy man can make love 3-4 times per day, sometimes 5 or 6, but his ability drops with age. Learning what being my treasure meant taught my wife to tell a young lady that her husband plans to have her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. That’s how she’ll choose to serve him. That makes a woman angry.
My wife then points out that she’ll want her husband to open his heart to her at least that often. That’s how he chooses to serve her. A girl somehow knows that opening herself to him that much will make her belong to him and that opening himself to her that much will make him belong to her. It’s hard for a man to open his heart to a woman who’s not his and it’s hard for a woman to open herself to a man who isn’t hers.
The more a man takes his wife, the more she wants to talk. The more a man talks, the more he wants to have her. They must “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[125])” to make this work. The Bible tells how:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. Matthew 10:39
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it. Mark 8:35
The wife not having power means she must open herself to her husband to keep him from temptation. The man not having power of his body means he must open his heart. If he doesn’t meet her emotional needs, she’ll be tempted to talk emotionally to other men. This often leads to physical infidelity. God warns that its fraud against your marriage vows not to meet your spouse’s needs. Making your spouse feel safe in being married to you makes it easier for your spouse to meet your needs and avoid temptation, page 25.
Traditional marriage vows said “to have and to hold.” A man marries to have her; she marries so he’ll hold her. My wife warns younger women of his dream of 20 times per day to emphasize how utterly different a man’s view of sex is from hers. The Holy Spirit had her tell me she planned to talk more in a day of marriage than in a week of dating. This warned me that her view of marriage was utterly different from mine, page 36.
Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also? Genesis 18:12
Take Sarah’s advice: enjoy your husband while he has the strength of his youth. It makes him yours:
“Vasopressin [the neurochemical that changes a man’s brain as oxytocin changes a woman’s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate and attachment to his offspring. . . . Often referred to as the ‘monogamy molecule,’ vasopressin seems to be a primary cause of men attaching to a woman with whom they have close and intimate physical contact. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding and bonding between fathers and children.”[126] [emphasis added] A woman gives her children a father by belonging to him.
And We Lived Happily Ever After
A wife’s role is important, but the husband has more influence on her happiness than she has. Having told how God prepared us both for marriage, it’s time to explain why our marriage worked out as well as it has.
She decided to let God give her to me. She’d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; such a strong feeling of belonging to me had to be from God. Once she accepted that, she was able to tell me she planned to belong to me and to serve God by serving me.
It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me. When I stood at the altar and vowed to God that I’d give up my right to pursue all the other women in the world and focus my masculinity on her, I expected her to be mine. Japanese word “shu-jin” is translated “husband.” “Jin” is “person;” “shu” is “Lord” as in “Shu yesu kiristo;” Lord Jesus Christ. Shujin is literally “lord person.” A Japanese wife can’t refer to her husband without calling him “Lord;” it’s built into the language as in Eph. 5:33[127]. My possessiveness is of God.
Many women honor their husbands with their lips (Mt. 15:8[128]; Mk. 7:6[129]) without honoring them with their hearts. If my wife had done that, I would have been deeply hurt and deeply disappointed. I would also have been deeply ashamed which would have harmed my health (Pr. 12:4[130]). Very little shames a man worse that having his wife not belong to him; I know two men who had heart attacks after suffering this shame.
What Made Her Mine
As Naomi told Ruth how to get married, the wife’s mother in the Song tells her daughter how to stay married:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:20
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Proverbs 5:15
Her mother knows she has more capacity than he does. If she encourages his possessiveness, if she drains off all the energy he has, it will be hard for other women to get his attention. Giving herself calms her. This takes away her independence and makes her feel that she belongs to him. She can enjoy this if he also belongs to her, but if he doesn’t, his desire becomes oppressive and abusive. She’ll try to avoid it, but if she sends him off to work loaded, he'll be tempted to pay attention to another woman and they'll both be burned.
Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:27
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
God teaches men to praise their wives. Being praised by her husband and children makes a wife feel happy and secure. Ecclesiastes says that nothing a man does to have fun or live a worthwhile life works:
I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. Ecclesiastes 1:14
Solomon listed many things that won’t give joy:
I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: … I sought in mine heart to give myself unto wine … I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: … I got me servants and maidens … I gathered me also silver and gold … I gat me men singers and women singers, as musical instruments, of all sorts. … Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:1-11
Solomon tried it all, he found that there’s nothing a man can do to make himself happy, except marriage:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
When my wife chose to let God give her to me, her happiness became mine. Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[131]; 21:9[132], 19[133]; 25:24[134]; 27:15[135]), but when she was happy, life was good. When she delighted in giving herself to me, I got a taste of the joys of Heaven I’d expected when she told me God made her to be a treasure. I work at learning how to rejoice with her.
Teaching our children to honor her helped. Kids are born selfish; they must learn an attitude of gratitude.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat “The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity (1 Timothy 5:2).” Girls must be taught to insist that men deal with them in purity as God commands or they will be tempted to fall into sexual sin.
What Made Me Hers
I had another reason to learn about her besides God’s command (I Pe. 3:7[136]). I’d heard men complain about women. When I told her, she told me her friends had said, “He may love you, but he won’t like things about you once you’re married” and they named the same things about women that my dorm mates disliked.
I was convinced that God is good and had written “For God so loved me that He gave me you.” She said she was a gift from God, the Bible said it (Pr. 18:22[137]), and God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11[138]; Jas. 1:17[139]). Therefore, men who dislike characteristics which God made common to women are wrong. Those traits were not defects; God made women that way on purpose to bless men.
I told my wife that anything true of most women was intended to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had chosen to give her to me. If I couldn’t understand how or why something about her blessed me, it was my problem, not God’s, and we’d figure it out. To build a strong bridge, I must understand concrete and steel; to build a strong marriage, I had to understand her nature and explain mine.
Once she understood my plan to explore the mind of God with her, she was happy to look into herself to explain herself to me. God commands that a husband dwell with his wife according to knowledge. My working to learn how she blessed me made her happy and helped me obey God.
I also wanted to know how she was like other women and what was unique to her. When she’d say, “My friends feel that way,” I’d conclude most women were like that. Sometimes it was, “I don’t know anyone like that,” for things unique to her. At other times, she’d ask; her friends either agreed with her or didn’t.
This was another area where my engineering mind led me to obey God. God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4[140]). “Sanctification” means “set apart,” God expected me to know how she was like other women and how she was God’s special unique gift just for me.
The husband in the Song praises his wife in mind-numbing detail. He looks for little details about her to appreciate. She’s “but one,” (6:9) he sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women. She says she belongs to him (2:16[141], 6:3[142], 7:10[143]) and in 7:10, “his desire is toward me.” She enjoys seeing how much he desires her. 8:2-3[144] shows that she likes belonging to him as my wife likes belonging to me.
In all this talk about her emotions, skills, feelings, and other characteristics, I opened my heart to her rather often. That made me belong to her. This was as frightening to me as opening herself to me had been for her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me. God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him.
It’s not enough for a man to have a woman belong to him. Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3). They were his property and had to do what he told them. There was none of this “I’m not in the mood” or “I have a headache.” This sounds like a masculine paradise, but how did it work out for Solomon?
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon owned a thousand women, yet his soul was empty. Why? He could command, but a woman won’t like belonging to a man who refuses to belong to her. Instead of having a woman enjoy belonging to him, he had 1,000 unhappy women running around the palace. No wonder his soul was empty.
This was Solomon’s fault. Belonging requires that he open his heart to her. So much talk takes so much time that a man can’t belong to more than one woman (Ex. 21:10[145]). “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs. If all he sees is her face and figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.”
My wife strives to make her words health to me. This makes it possible for me to feel safe in loving her, page 25. I feel safe opening my heart without fear that she’ll hurt me, which keeps me belonging to her.
I opened myself to her because I’d promised and to learn how God designed her to bless me. It took 20 years, but we can explain how characteristics my dorm mates disliked about women actually bless men.
A woman can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her. Her happiness is greatest when he likes belonging to her. Opening his heart to her teaches him ways to make her happy if he pays attention and she will learn how to please him. The happier a man makes his wife, the happier he will be.
Marriage is wonderful, this man is so glad to be coming home to be with his wife that he’s skipping:
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
He’s rushing home where he wants to be. Is he coming to admire the curtains? Or for some other reason?
A Wife is a Mirror, She’s Not a Light
Wives multiply what men give. Consider babies. You give her one tiny cell. She multiplies your seed in her body and gives you a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of her baby has the mark of your DNA (Gen. 5:3a[146]).
If you give her joy, love, appreciation, praise, and sanctification (Song 6:9[147]), she’ll multiply it and fill your home with love and light to the Glory of God. If you give her anger, criticism, or harshness, Satan will tempt her to multiply that and your house will fill with anger and pain.
A Wife is What Her Husband Makes Her
God expects a man to love his wife as Christ loves His church:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
Jesus presents us to Himself a “glorious church” in verse 27. Every man wants to present to himself a “glorious wife,” and there’s a simple way to do it – convince her he’s convinced that she is a glorious wife.
A woman heard that Johnny Lingo had paid 8 cows for his wife[148] when the going price was 3 or 4. She could see that his wife liked belonging to him. Johnny explained that every wife knew what her husband had paid. He might have gotten her for 1 or 2, but he paid 8 cows for her “Because I wanted an 8-cow wife.”
Remember the 3 rules for marriage: God is good, only praise, and treat each other as perfect. A wife is what you make her. You make her a glorious wife by opening your heart to her so that she knows you’re convinced that she is a glorious wife. Johnny Lingo overpaid to convince his wife he valued her highly!
Just before our engagement, I wrote to her, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you.” Marriage prospers if a man works hard to treat his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she strives to be God’s good and perfect gift to him.
The Simplicity of God’s Marriage Rules
Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him to keep us focused on an Attitude of Gratitude.
When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Is. 43:25[149], Heb. 10:17[150]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” When you talk about your spouse, follow God and see the purity and perfection of His Son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.
God expects bride and groom to marry with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God and with each other. Think of your spouse as perfect. Talk of your spouse as perfect. Tell everyone that your spouse is perfect. Your words work back into your heart and you will treat your spouse as perfect.
Even lost people know that “only praise” leads to a joyful marriage, but some say that people can’t live that way. The fruit of the spirit that comes from salvation (Gal. 5:22-23[151]) helps. This Bible-based guidance for avoiding conflict in marriage[152] helps couples live without saying anything negative about each other at all.
Chapter 5 - God Explained What Happened to Women After the Fall
God expects joyful Christian marriages to attract lost people who’ll want to know how we do it. The Genesis account of the fall tells a lot about marriage. This helps us find the joy God offers if we do marriage His way:
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
Adam was created to care for the garden and to “keep it” which means to protect it. God formed Eve to help him after telling Adam not to eat from the tree of knowledge (Gen. 2:15-18[153]); she didn’t hear it from God. Eve added “neither shall ye touch it (Gen. 3:3)”[154] to what God said.
Adam wasn’t deceived (1 Tim. 2:14[155]). In order not to have been deceived, he had to have heard what Satan said, he was there “with her” the whole time. Why didn’t he tell Eve not to talk to the serpent, correct her misquoting God, or tell her not to eat the fruit she wanted so badly? It was his duty to keep her, that’s why God blamed him (Ro. 5:19[156]).
Eve hadn’t been formed when God told Adam not to eat the fruit. Did Adam add to what God told him when he told Eve what God had said? Ex. 19:10-11, 15[157] shows that Moses added “come not at your wives” to what God told him. Did Adam add to what God said as Moses had? The Bible doesn’t say. Asking a man the logic behind his view on who misquoted God shows his attitude toward women.
When Eve touched the fruit and didn’t die, she knew that what she believed God had said was false. Adding to the Word of God or misusing the Word of God makes it easy for Satan to question the Word of God.
Everybody Sees how God Punished Adam
Instead of confessing his sin of eating the fruit, Adam blamed Eve and blamed God for giving her to him. She followed his leadership and blamed the serpent (Gen. 3:12-13[158]). To this day, many men blame their wives when things go wrong instead of accepting the responsibility God gave husbands for leading their wives.[159]
Anyone who’s tried to farm, plant a garden, or keep a lawn understands God’s punishment of Adam:
Cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; 18Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; 19In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:17b-19
Adam wasn’t cursed, the ground was cursed. It’s hard to get rid of weeds. This punished Eve – women can’t farm or hunt without machinery. A woman had to please a man enough to make him want to feed her (1 Co. 7:34[160]), or she’d starve. That gave women a strong desire to be with men even though men cause women a lot of work, frustration, sorrow, and grief mixed with occasional joy.
Women should know why men feed them. My grandmother visited after our first child. Her husband was harsh and dictatorial, she became a “steel magnolia,” feminine, but tough as nails. She asked when to expect a 2nd great grand. I spoke of cost, worry, and effort helping my wife through pregnancy and caring for a child.
She gave me “that look.” “Young man,” she said,” the pleasures of marriage you enjoy are God’s way of compensating you for the time, cost, sorrow, and work of raising children to serve Him (Mal. 2:15[161]).”
If a marriage isn’t as joyful as our loving God planned, the man must take the lead in fixing it.
Think About Eve’s Life in the Garden
She didn’t need a house - it never rained (Gen. 2:6[162]). They were naked; she didn’t need clothes (Gen. 2:25[163]). She could always find fruit to eat (Gen. 3:2[164]). Adam didn’t provide food, clothing, or shelter, God did that.
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. Genesis 3:7
The first thing they did after their eyes were opened was worry about clothes. Our multi-billion dollar fashion industry works because women care so much about clothes.
God made Eve not only to keep Adam from being alone, but to help him:
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18 Did Eve help Adam by working with him to sew the fig leaves? Or did he sew alone?
A wife’s need to help her husband wasn’t punishment; her strong desire to help was built into her from the beginning. After the fall, God’s punishments of Eve explain how women would get along with men:
Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
Greatly Multiply thy Sorrow Through Sensitive Emotions
Most women have more sensitive emotions than men do. Being sensitive helps women learn how to please husbands, but God multiplies sorrow to women because their feelings are easily hurt. The Bible says:
Every wise woman buildeth her house: Proverbs 14:1a
A woman’s emotions are the cement that builds her house. There’s no logical reason for a wife to pour her life into serving her family, women do this on emotion. Men, would you like to be married to you? Could you do what your wife does? How can women do what they do? Women build homes and churches through love and emotion, but they can’t unless they’re free to express their emotions and are appreciated for it.
God punished Eve by giving women a strong emotional desire to please men (1 Cor. 7:34[165]). Husbands rule through praise: women do more of what’s praised. If all they get is criticism, they’ll do more of what’s criticized the most. How human! God gave women strong emotions on purpose, it was not an accident:
a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
“Prudence” means thinking ahead; the way a woman’s mind works, that is, her prudence, is of the Lord. God made women think the way they do on purpose. The mixture of logic and emotion God gives a woman makes her want to serve her family and build her home.
God multiplied conception. How many babies would a woman need to populate the earth if nobody died?
Thy Desire shall be to thy Husband
A woman desires to belong to a man who’s pleased with her (Song 1:2[166], 8:2-3[167]). A man desires to have a woman belong to him (Song 7:10[168]). Eve wanted to be with Adam enough to accept him claiming and naming her (Gen. 2:23[169], 3:20[170]), but God increased women’s desire for a man in His punishment of Eve. Warning:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
A woman shouldn’t get emotionally involved with a man until after he marries her. 90% of how a marriage goes is set by how a man values his wife, but 90% of her value to him is set by how she values herself. A woman sets her price by what she does. If her price is a few dinners, she isn’t worth much. Her price should be his dedicating his life to caring for her until death by marrying her before she gives herself to him.
He Shall Rule Over Thee
Eve wanted independence instead of following God’s perfect leadership (Gen. 3:6[171]). God arranged that her imperfect, sinful husband would rule her instead of God. Marriage should bring a wife joy (Song 8:2-3[172]), but she can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[173]). How happy does he want to be?
My wife suggests making love 5 times before each meal and before bed to keep husbands happy. There's no simple way for a man to keep his wife happy because women differ much more from each other than men do. Men and women have the same need for belonging to spouses, but they express it differently.
A wife wants her husband to open his heart to her as often as he takes her and more. That’s how he gets knowledge of her as God expects (1 Pe. 3:7[174]). If he opens his heart as sincerely, as deeply, as patiently, as often, and as gladly as he expects her to open herself to him, she’ll know he belongs to her. Belonging to each other as taught in the Song (2:16[175], 6:3[176]) gives them both a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
A man wants his wife to open her body to him. She wants him to open his heart to her. He wants to put himself into her body. She wants to put herself - her words, her thoughts, her feelings - into his heart.
He leaves his seed inside her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby. She wants to leave her essence, her being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about her, how he treats her, and how he relates to her. People can see whether they belong to each other by looking at them or hearing them.
A woman read some of our material. “I was angry at how much you knew about me,” she said. “Then I realized you’re clueless, your wife told you how women think.” I had to listen and understand what my wife said in my heart so I could write clearly about it. God gave me a drive to write about marriage.
My wife helps me write about the emotions of marriage. Although helping me takes a lot of her time, she likes my wanting her help and appreciating her help. People who know me at all know that a lot of what’s in our books came from her. Having her works praise her is one of the rewards of being a virtuous wife (Pr. 31:31[177]) but that works only because I want her help, ask for it, and make sure she has time to help me.
A woman at work tried to attract me. “I was angry when you didn’t even notice,” she told me. “Then I realized, ‘Oh, he belongs to his wife’ so I went after someone else.” I’m careful to have women in my office meet my wife so they’ll know I belong thoroughly to her.
It takes hours and days of daily back-and-forth talk to be one as Jesus expects (Mt. 19:5-6[178]).
Women open their hearts to each other all the time and don’t understand how scary it is for men. 1 Cor. 11:9[179] says that women are made for men. Few men understand how scary it is for women to belong to men. They must both take the time and overcome their fears of connecting in the other’s way.
Chapter 6 - What Fathers Should Teach Their Daughters
Salvation takes your daughter to Heaven, but how she relates to a man has a huge effect on how this life turns out for her. While bringing her up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4[180]),” you must teach her to honor and respect your wife (Pr. 31:28-29[181]). Seeing you nourish, cherish, appreciate, and honor her mother prepares your daughter to expect respect and appreciation from any man who pursues her.
One of the best ways to prepare your daughter to be a good wife is to talk to her. Men and women have very different ways of talking. To oversimplify, men talk to report, that is, to tell what happened, women talk to build rapport, that is, to establish emotional connections and share their feelings about it. Your daughter will expect her husband to open his heart to her. This scares men. If she hasn’t learned to handle a man’s “report talk,” she’ll want to put emotion into all her talk which will make talking to her more difficult for him.
You’ll have to be careful not to make your wife jealous of your daughter especially if your daughter grows up to be a younger version of her mother. A wife can become jealous of her own daughter if her husband isn’t careful to reassure his wife of his focus on her.
Teach your daughter that the emotions God put into her (Pr. 9:4b[182]) provide cement by which a wise woman builds her house (Pr. 14:1[183]), but she must always rule her emotions so that she doesn’t hurt her family (Pr. 25:28[184]). Teach her to explain her emotions so she knows why she feels a certain way. Learning to put words to her feelings helps her explain herself and her needs to her husband. This makes it easier for him to follow God’s command to dwell with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7[185]).
Older women know a man’s nature and can discuss the desires God put into most men, but women can’t understand any more than a man can understand a woman’s attitude toward babies. Fathers make mistakes: Jacob didn’t keep Dinah away from the “daughters of the land” and David sent Tamar to comfort Amnon when he pretended to be ill, but fathers have a better understanding of a man’s goal in approaching his daughter than her mother and can warn more strongly and in more detail.
Part of the strength of a daughter’s desire for attention from a man is one of God’s punishments of Eve:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
Genesis’ “lightly have lien” explains the natural man’s attitude toward rape, page 30. Fathers must teach daughters to demand that a man follow Scripture in interacting with her:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
Men and women must treat each other as people; they shouldn’t interact as man and woman. If a man compliments a woman’s looks or tells her he loves her, for example, he may be trying to guide their talk in an impure direction because he wants her to open her body to him.
If he does that before he and she are in a position where they could marry, she must quote that verse and say something like, “Scripture teaches that you should talk to me as a sister in all purity. We can work together as people, but not as man and woman. We aren’t in a position to marry. You’re an attractive guy; I could easily fall in love with you. If I fall in love when we can’t marry, I’ll be in a world of hurt. Let’s keep man and woman out of it and just be people.” She must also avoid getting physical:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
Older women may say not to kiss “because it’ll give him ideas.” That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When they both have the same idea, it’s very hard to stop.
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner[186] [emphasis added]
Draw a Line in the Sand
The price of a virtuous woman is beyond rubies. My wife set her price high by insisting that I agree that being together was to decide whether we’d marry; my life for her life, page 32. She said God made her to be a treasure for her husband. If I wouldn’t seriously consider marriage, she didn’t want to waste time with me.
On our second date, she told me she wanted to be pure on our wedding night. The Holy Spirit led her to say that, it just popped out. We had no idea how important that was until our emotions tempted us so that we nearly lost it. Very few couples can avoid having sex once her emotions are aroused, page 38.
We know many girls who went to college, met a man freshman year, and controlled their emotions until junior year. And we expect them to stay pure 2 more years until graduation? Who’s kidding whom?
A girl we knew found her husband in college. Her father watched them the summer before her senior year and wouldn’t send her back to college. She was furious; she wanted another year of courting.
I told her that her father was right. He had a reason which she couldn’t yet understand, and that when she understood, she’d thank him for standing against her, her sister, her mother, and other women in the church.
At a church dinner 3 years later, I went to her table as she was changing a diaper. “Now that you’re married, do you understand why your dad kept you home?” She grudgingly agreed. “Have you thanked him?” She said she would. “Now listen,” I said, “you’ll be the older woman who must teach the daughter you’re diapering when she goes to college 18 years from now. Will you do that?” She promised she would.
Her daughter married right out of college and had a baby 4 months later. That was her husband’s failure - women aren’t equipped to be forceful enough to teach this lesson. It’s the father who protects.
Chapter 7 – A Man is Pursuing Your Daughter. What do you tell him?
Jesus told us that men marry; women are given in marriage (Luk. 20:34[187]). A wife is a gift from God to her groom (Luk. 17:27[188]). You should do your best to be sure the would-be groom is prepared to gently and wisely lead your daughter so that he will receive the full blessing God intends in giving him a wife.
Christian marriage is incredibly simple. God doesn’t see our sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12[189], I Cor. 6:11[190]).
God’s gift of grace means that He and His Son treat us as perfect (Rom. 8:1[191], Eph. 5:25-27[192]). Note “without blemish” in Ephesians 5:27. As Jesus sanctifies and cleanses His church, your son-in-law must sanctify your daughter to present herself to himself as a “glorious wife, without spot or wrinkle,” page 97.
Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:12[193], Is. 43:25[194], I Cor. 6:11[195], Hebrews 10:17[196]). When God washes away our sins, what’s left is perfect. Ephesians 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God treats us as perfect, so we must follow God and treat our spouses as perfect. Can this man teat your daughter as God’s good and perfect gift?
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, tell everyone your spouse is perfect for you (Song 6:9[197]), and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6a[198]).
Marriage prospers if a husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17[199]). He’s to love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29[200], Song 4:7[201], 6:9[202]) as perfect, she’s to serve him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33[203], Col. 3:18[204]) even though they don’t deserve each other! Can he forgive her as God forgives him? Can she forgive him?
Will he lead her by serving her? Is she calm and relaxed about following him?
Treating spouses as perfect is simple, but “simple” doesn’t mean “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there – but it’s far from easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a short stroll across a continent.
The Rewards of Marriage
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman delight in belonging to him as the wife in the Song of Solomon delights in belonging to her husband. Assuming he’s saved and has found a job which can support her and a place to house her (Ge. 24:67 page 7), you’ll want to discuss Biblical ideas to help him receive all the joy God intended for marriage (Ecc. 9:9[205]; Pr. 5:18-19[206], 31:28-29[207]).
Nourishing and cherishing a wife as God expects is a lot of work; it’s important that he be strongly drawn to her. The time will come when she's got the flu, she's pregnant out to here, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she's too sick to do anything about it. If he's as smitten with her as the husband in the Song, he'll stick around and help her through it instead of running off.
The story of the talents (Lk. 19) teaches that Our Lord holds us accountable for how we administer the gifts He gives us (I Cor. 12:1-18). God expects a husband to know his wife’s God-given gifts and to encourage her to develop and use them for His glory as they glorify God together (I Peter 3:7[208]).
The Jews were exiled to Babylon when they didn’t fulfill God’s conditions. They possessed the land, but they didn’t keep God’s law (Je. 32:23[209]) and they didn’t give the land its Sabbaths (II Chr. 36:21[210]). They misused the gift, so they lost the blessing.
God formed your daughter in her mother’s womb as a good and perfect help meet to be His gift to her husband (Mt. 7:11[211], Jas. 1:17[212], I Cor. 11:8-9[213]). You want your son-in-law to fulfill all of God’s conditions when he possesses your daughter so he can receive the full blessing of receiving your daughter as an unmerited gift from God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.
The Old Testament explains how. Pr. 31:1 introduces the wisdom King Lemuel received from his mother. She taught him how to lead a kingdom, a business, a church, or a family:
- Don’t mess with women (Pr. 31:3[214]).
- Don’t abuse mind-altering substances (Pr. 31:4-5[215]).
- Take care of your people when they’re hurting (Pr. 31:6-7[216]).
- Treat your people fairly (Pr. 31:8-9[217]).
He can’t fulfill the last two without building open, loving relationships. How else can he distinguish between needy and lazy, good and glib? Mrs. Lemuel’s wisdom helps him in any path he walks.
She also told her son what to expect from the virtuous wife you have trained your daughter to be:
- She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life (Pr. 31:12[218]). He must explain what he thinks is good so she can follow him. That’s another reason for him to open his heart to her (1 Pe. 3:7).
- The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her (Pr. 31:11[219], Pr. 12:4[220]). Many men won’t admit their emotions even to themselves for fear of being hurt. Jesus had to force the Apostle Peter to admit that Peter loved Christ (Jn. 15:21-17). Will he not only admit his love for your daughter to himself, but convince her daily? It’s easier for her to follow a man when she knows he loves her, page 7.
- She openeth up her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr.31:26[221]). God expects her words to always be health to him (Pr. 12:18[222]) so he’ll want to hear what she has to say.
Mrs. Lemuel then outlined God’s terms and conditions so that her son could receive the blessing:
- Teach his children, by telling them and by showing them, to praise and appreciate her every action and her never-ending labor on behalf of her home (Pr. 31:28[223]). Be thankful for everything she does.
- Praise her as a uniquely wonderful wife who “excelleth them all” (Pr. 31:29[224]). The Song explains how.
- She works at home, so he must praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31[225]), at home, and at church.
Leading in Meekness
Having given him your daughter to be his wife, God gives him authority over her, his children, and his home. Jesus told us to use authority meekly (Mk. 9:35[226], Mk. 10:42-45[227], II Tim. 2:24-25[228]) in any role.
God gave Moses authority to get water by speaking to the rock (Nu. 20:7-12). Moses exceeded his authority and struck the rock. Moses’ acting in anger instead of in meekness (Nu. 12:3[229]) abused the authority God had given him and cost him the blessing of entering the Promised Land.
Parents labor to teach children never to react in anger by age 2 or 3 (Pr. 22:24[230], 25:28[231], 29:22[232]). We teach them to relate, discuss, share, and care about the other person (Phil. 2:3[233]). Did his parents teach him this? His view of your daughter will be very important to her after they’re married. She won’t be able to love him as much as she wants to love him if he hurts her with his words (Pr. 22:24[234]), see page 25.
He decides whether he trusts her enough to open his heart to her and learn enough about her to dwell according to knowledge as God commands (I Pe. 3:7242) during courtship. God rewards this – hours and days of open-hearted talk which give him knowledge of her teaches her about him. Learning of him makes his yoke easy and her burden light (Mt. 11:29-30[235]), giving her rest unto her soul (Ru. 1:9a[236]). Once she rests in knowing she pleases him (I Co. 7:34[237]), she’ll make him happy in ways he would never imagine to command.
God constructed women’s brains to think so differently that it takes hours and hours of daily conversation for her to understand him well enough to follow him and to please him. A woman can’t obey or follow what she doesn’t understand. Women who conclude that they can’t please their husbands die inside. We see death in their eyes, even in photographs. You don’t want that for your daughter.
How is His Walk with God?
Does he truly believe that God is good? Most Christians say that, but few search the Bible for keys to happiness. When God created the heavens and the earth, the only “not good” was Adam being alone. After God created Eve to help Adam, it was all “very good.” Does he believe that in his bones?
“Help” comes from ezer, as in “from whence cometh my ezer (Ps. 121:1).” A wife is a valuable help, but she needs to understand him to know how to help, and that takes hours of daily conversation for years, even after children are born. It’s virtually impossible for her to rejoice in meeting his physical needs unless he meets her needs for emotional connection. She sees what he wants as vain repetition, just as he sees her talk.
Men think women want to talk about the same old thing, women think men want to do the same old thing. Both wonder why the other party isn’t bored. God made them different!
Will he Appreciate Her as God Appreciates Her?
Many men think that God made women incorrectly; that’s why He commanded “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:19).” This is a command. Will he obey? Can his tongue be health to her (Pr. 12:18[238], 15:1[239]) when he’s frustrated (Pr. 25:28[240]) or when he’s been too busy to give her the emotional support she needs by talking about her concerns (Phil. 2:4[241])?
The Bible describes the wife as the weaker vessel (I Pe. 3:7[242]). What he does or doesn’t do to her, he does or doesn’t do to Christ (Mt. 25:40[243], Mt. 25:45[244]). Does he know this? Does he believe it? Will he act on it?
When God, the stronger party, offered His covenant, Abraham, the weaker party, gave up his animals to provide blood to seal God’s berith. A berith is one-sided; it bound God no matter how Abraham’s descendants abused the covenant. When your daughter accepts his berith, she gives up her innocence to provide the blood to seal her husband’s (Mal. 2:14[245]) berith for herself and for her children forever. The English language doesn’t have a word like the Hebrew word berith which the inspired words of the Hebrew Bible use to describe marriage vows. “Covenant” is the best English word, but “covenant” suggests that someone can break the marriage covenant if the spouse breaks it first. This weakens God’s definition of Holy Matrimony.
Does he value stories in the OT “for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition (I Cor. 10:10-11[246])?” Nowhere in scripture does a husband criticize his wife. Not once. Will he teach his children to honor and appreciate her effort of making food (Pr. 31:18[247]), even if they don’t like a dish?
Does he know that God may speak to a man through his help meet (Jud. 13:2-13, Mt. 27:19[248])?
The Bible commands older women to instruct the younger. Ruth accepted Naomi’s advice even though she’d been married and knew about men. Naomi gave her the best possible advice how to get married (Ru. 3:18[249]). Does he understand how important it is to preserve your daughter’s purity? The wife in the Song asked her mother and got the best possible advice how to stay married (Song 8:3[250]).
My wife tells young ladies that a man dreams of having her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. He seldom has the strength, but that’s his plan (Gen. 29:21[251]), see page 40. Girls who’ve never dated somehow know that a husband’s drive will be invasive, messy, and take away her independence. Rebekah knew Isaac’s agenda would have a major impact on her. She veiled herself to get a little space (Ge. 24:64-65).
Giving herself to her husband is what submission is. What drives a man to marry (Ge. 29:21251) and to come home (Song 2:8250)? What does “took to wife (Ge. 26:24, Ex. 2:1, I Ki. 16:31, I Chron. 7:15)” mean? Has he made her comfortable enough with him that she will be willing to do her part in that?
If a wife welcomes her husband's advances, encourages him when he hasn't asked, tells him, "I like your seed. Let's do that again as soon as you can" as the spirit moves her, both he and she will be convinced that she belongs to him. That makes it hard for women at work to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he's more vulnerable to temptation and they're likely to get burned (Pro. 6:27[252]).
God was serious in saying that it was not good for a man to be alone; men generally die before their wives. A wife can shorten her widowhood by keeping her husband healthy. She can say, “We could do that more often if you were in better shape.” The more he exercises and the healthier he eats, the longer he’ll live.
God made men possessive. If she convinces him that she’s truly his, he’ll tend to take care of her. If her happiness is his, he’ll find that making her happy makes him happier than anything he can do for himself. Solomon’s labor was vanity and chasing wind because he did it for himself. “I gat me, I builded me….” If he dedicates his work and his life to nourishing his wife, children, and church, his work won’t be vain at all.
And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. (Mk. 10:8)
Her husband must make this possible. Giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10). It calms her, takes away her independence, and makes her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s angry or unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel that more strongly and will try to evade him. If, on the other hand, he works as hard as the husband in the Song to convince her that he rejoices in her to the point that he doesn’t see others as women, only as people, she’ll rejoice in his joy as she gives herself to him.
This affects the way she walks, the way she talks, and her facial expressions. Anyone can see it. Has he made her comfortable enough in resting in belonging to him that she can rejoice in giving herself that often?
Does he know that God designed women to multiply whatever her husband gives her and reflect it back to him? Think about making babies. He gives her one tiny cell. She nourishes what he gave her within her body and gives him a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of her baby carries his mark (Gen. 5:3[253]). If he gives her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if he gives her a girl cell, she makes a girl. We reap what we sow:
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
He needs to know that God gave your daughter sensitive emotions so that she wants her husband to be pleased with her and so that she can tell whether he’s pleased or not. Her emotions make her into a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex his soul to death (Jud. 16:16[254]), multiply his unhappiness, and give all his unhappiness back to him. If he gives her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply the happiness he gives her and fill his house with the light of his joy in her. Men reap what they sow to their wives, very quickly.
Whatever he feels about her determines how she fills his house. Sow a boy cell, reap a boy. Sow a cell of love; reap a house full of love. The secret of happiness in marriage is to be happy with his wife so she can multiply his happiness and reflect it back to him. What do his actions during courtship suggest that he’ll sow?
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven like having a woman delight in belonging to him, but he must give her a lot to rejoice about (Ecc. 9:9[255]) so that she rejoices with him. Marriage prospers if a man treats his wife as God’s precious unmerited gift from God and from her, and she acts like God’s gift to him.
Can he look your daughter in the eye now, before marriage, and tell her, “For God so loved man that he gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If he can say that, and mean it, and act on it, she’ll be happy in belonging to him.
There is no joy this side of heaven for a man that compares with having a woman like belonging to him, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?
The Man Must Be Able To Pay Before Marrying
A century ago, a man could learn to support a wife by age 15 or 16. It takes longer to learn to support a wife today. If he can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her; involvement too young never ends well.
The woman must say, “Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.” Any boy can play with her; it takes a man to stay with her. Toy or treasure, play or stay is her big question.
What if she likes the guy and wants to get to know him?
There‘s a difference between “dating” and “going steady.” If a couple sees each other constantly, staying out of trouble for even 2 years of college is difficult. If there’s a firm rule not to date the same person twice in a row, getting to know several people at the same time makes it far easier to guard her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
As they proceed toward marriage, she must make sure he trusts her enough to open his heart to her[256].
Women open their hearts to each other freely; she’ll have no idea how hard it is for a man. Having words to describe her need for talk may help your daughter explain her needs, page 36.
Marriages run on communication. A wife wants to communicate heart-to-heart, her husband wants to communicate belly-to-belly. A wife needs to be able to rest in belonging to her husband[257].
She needs to listen to her own heart. Is she calm and relaxed around him? God expects her to follow her husband. Can she trust him to rule her gently so that it’s safe for her to let herself love him and vow to follow him? Will he lead her in a direction God wants her to go or will he lead her off a cliff?
Your daughter must understand her own needs well enough to explain them so that a man can be confident of making her happy. That makes it easier for him to open his heart to her. There’s no way for her to be happy in marriage unless her husband learns to like doing that.
The Modern Dilemma
There are only two ways a father can protect his daughter –cooperation or incarceration. Juliet’s father tried to keep her away from Romeo, whose family was hostile to her family, and told the nurse to keep her in the house. Juliet fooled the nurse and got together with Romeo. It didn’t end well - they both died.
The most important lessons for your daughter are:
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:33
For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. I Corinthians 6:20
· Ask God to choose her husband for her.
· Speak kindly to all man so they’ll want to hear what she has to say.
· Insist that men treat her as a sister “in all purity.”
· Learn to understand her feelings and learn how to explain them.
· Try to keep emotion out of most talk with men.
· Don’t let herself fall in love with a man until after he marries her.
Chapter 8 - Confessing Your Faults to Your Children
In spite of many sources of influence, “research has found that parental relationships had the greatest influence on teen sexual behavior.”[258] Parents must teach clear standards for sexual behavior.
“Young people intuitively know that ‘boundaries’ mandated by those who love them are actually a sign of being loved and valued. Teenagers may push and even rebel against boundaries, but if they know they are loved and cared for by parents with whom they have a good relationship, they will usually not go behind their parents’ backs and cross those boundaries.”[259]
Many teens know the dangers of STDs and unplanned pregnancy, but few know about the psychological and emotional risks of having sex outside a committed marriage.
“Such information has not been available in the past. Knowing this, parents must realize that-despite their own past choices-encouraging their children to wait for sex until they are committed to one person for their lifetime, is the healthiest choice.”[260] [emphasis added]
Parents who didn’t follow God’s path when they were young may feel hypocritical or embarrassed about telling their children that God’s commands about reserving sex for marriage really are for their benefit.
“I’m afraid my kids will find out about some of the things I did. They’ll see that I turned out okay and think that they will too.”[261]
Few teenagers expect their parents to be perfect, but they do expect them to be honest. Given how little we knew about the effect of sex on the human brain, it’s OK to say, “We didn’t know.” This might work:
What to Say
I want you to grow up to serve God, your family, and your church. I want you to avoid mistakes I made, but I don’t need to tell about mistakes in areas you won’t go. Suppose I’d tried skateboarding as a teen. A hotdogger had some fancy moves down a railing on a park stairway. My parents said it was dangerous and told me not to try it. He made it look so easy that I tried it one afternoon. I fell and shattered a bone in my leg. I was in a painful cast for weeks, but I healed over time.
If you didn’t do skateboarding, there’d be no need for me to tell you this, right? But if you started doing it, I should tell you how I disobeyed my parents and had a lot of pain, even if it’s embarrassing, shouldn’t I?
You may or may not skateboard, but you’ll learn to drive. There are dangers in driving, as you know, and we’re trying to keep you safe. You’ll also have sex. We now know that there are dangers in sex beyond pregnancy and diseases. We want to keep you safe from the emotional harm we now know about.
The Bible doesn’t generally say why God gives the commands He gives. Consider:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
Some tell girls not to kiss because it may give him ideas. That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When he and she have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner[262] [emphasis added]
Just sitting close to a man or inhaling the smell of his body can trigger a woman’s desire for more.
If a young woman becomes physically close to and hugs a man, it will trigger the bonding process, creating a greater desire to be near him. . . . if he wants to escalate the physical nature of the relationship, it will become harder and harder for her to say no.[263] [emphasis added]
Showing how physical contact between men and women works on your brain and how it builds desire to go “all the way” fills many pages; 1 Cor. 7:1 above puts it in one verse. We now know that sex can hurt badly:
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[264] [emphasis added]
“The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are “designed” to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter.”[265]
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[266]
Sexual involvement triggers your brain and binds you to that person. Even if you eventually marry that one, having sex outside God’s marriage covenant brings damage:
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex.”[267]
Learning to drive can kill you or hurt you badly. Breaking up after being sexually bound in a relationship isn’t likely to kill you, but it can make it very hard for you to have the fulfilling marriage God wants for you.
Early sex isn’t guaranteed to wreck your future marriage any more than smoking is guaranteed to give you cancer, but it causes a lot of pain and shifts the odds against you. That’s why God tells you:
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
You can’t separate God’s love from His holiness. His love makes Him want to bless you, but His Holiness means He can’t unless you keep His commandments! You can choose to follow Him or go your own way:
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
God put very strong desires into men and women so that we’d pair up to give Him children. God’s plan of marriage brings joy to both. There’s no reason to fear failure if you choose to do marriage God’s way!
Chapter 9 – Having Sex Changes Your Brain
Taxpayer-funded research is in a “replicability crisis” because many “scientific” studies can’t be repeated. Confirming earlier results is a vital part of the scientific method; such failures undermine confidence in the scientific process. What’s worse, basing medical treatment on false study results can kill people.
It’s hard to separate good science from bad. When science touches subjects found in the Word of God, we can see if science lines up with Scripture. For example, this article[268] discusses a study on anger management that has a section on call centers. Nobody calls when they’re happy; every call is from an unhappy customer.
The authors said “a soft answer turneth away wrath (Pr. 15:1)” and listed soft answers for different types of wrathful customers. This gave credibility to what the authors said. Hooked also agrees with Scripture.
Hooked: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development https://a.co/d/23NZaPL explains how hormones produced by sex change our brains to bind us to our sexual partner. As God put it,
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
Hooked explains God’s command that men and women marry before having sex to build families and make children. Those commands take 5 or 10 verses in the Bible. Hooked has 173 pages. If God explained the reason for each of His commands, the Bible would be far too big for hand-copying. God seldom explains why He gave a command, He expects us to obey through faith.
The preface explains that Hooked contradicts popular narratives about human sexuality:
“There are a lot of people who won’t like this book because it explains why sex should occur in appropriate settings, what those settings are, and how scientific evidence today confirms these findings. . . . It provides a needed science and medical perspective to a solution often discounted as a moral, religious, or political issue. Indeed, sex preserved for the context of marriage is still the optimal decision for physical mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health.” [emphasis added]
[Holy Matrimony where spouses choose to praise each other and serve each other] greatly increases the chance for a child to be raised in a nurturing two-parent home, which studies have shown provides a child the most advantageous environment for growing into his or her potential.[269] [emphasis added]
Hooked shows that any physical interaction between a woman and a man can trigger neurochemicals which change their brains to bind them together. These drives are essential for human reproduction. In a marriage, sex can “addict” husband and wife to be content to live together all their days as God expects.
“Those who abstain from sex until marriage significantly add to their chance for avoiding problems and finding happiness.”[270]
“Drugs such as cocaine and amphetamine target dopamine neurons.[271]
In other words, love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[272] [emphasis added]
“The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are ‘designed’ to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter”[273] [emphasis added]
“But the beneficial effect of dopamine [a pleasure-giving hormone that is released during sex] for the married couple is that sex may play a role in ‘addicting’ them to each other and thus reinforcing their desire to remain together year after year.”[274] [emphasis added]
Don’t Touch until after Marriage
Some tell women not to kiss because kissing may give a man ideas. That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When both parties have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.[275] [emphasis added]
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited. We had to talk through our disagreements. We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[276]
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex.”[277]
Sexual interaction can bind women into harmful relationships:
Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate. Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship. She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can’t make herself separate. This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive.[278] [emphasis added]
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[279]). Giving herself to a man binds her to him. Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly. Breaking up can make it hard for either of them to form strong marriage bonds later.
“I was so naïve he said we wouldn’t go all the way but he kept pushing and we finally did it. Now I care about him but am angry at him all at the same time. I don’t know if I can ever trust him fully again.”[280]
How can a woman follow a man or belong to a man whom she doesn’t trust? If he took her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women? If she gave himself without marriage, how can he trust her not to do it again with someone else? Distrust is not a good foundation for a marriage.
If he can have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have?
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[281]
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[282] [emphasis added]
The pill lets people treat sex as nothing more than play. This harms women. A woman wants to be valued for far more than sex and can become depressed when she finds that a boy saw her as an interchangeable sex toy, see “Unprotected” page 3. Being repeatedly discarded can make it hard for a woman to trust any future husband enough to give herself to him as freely and as joyfully as God and her husband expect.
Although parents are the most significant influence in their children’s lives, few parents are willing to discuss Hooked to help their kids avoid the emotional dangers. This note on page 59 suggests an approach to the subject no matter what the parents may have done.
Although a mother is best to teach her daughter about men, the note on page 49 suggests ways fathers can help prepare their daughters to be God’s good and perfect gifts to their husbands.
Page 51 helps a father get ready to discuss marriage with a man who’s pursuing his daughter. She can make her husband no happier than he makes her. How happy does a father want his son-in-law to be?
Making love binds a husband to his wife and to their children and strengthens the marriage:
“Drugs such as cocaine and amphetamine target dopamine neurons.[283]
In other words, love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[284] [emphasis added]
God generally arranges that men die before their wives because it is not good for a man to be alone and women are better able to comfort a widow than men can comfort a widower. The “measurable physical benefits” of sex help a husband live longer which shortens his wife’s time of widowhood.
David and Bathsheba
“The individual who goes from sex partner to sex partner is causing his brain to mold and gel so that it eventually begins accepting that sexual pattern as normal. . . . The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals. Although oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine continue to be released with sexual intimacy, the physical rut that is formed between the synapses [brain cell connections] subconsciously influences the continuation of the promiscuous behavior. The conflict between the natural behavior and the learned behavior can result, in some cases, in a boredom with sex itself.”[285] [emphasis added]
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
Ecc. 2 lists many things that gave Solomon no joy, but Ecc. 9:9 promises joy in loving “the wife” whom you love. Why couldn’t Solomon find joy with any of his 1,000 women? Why did David commit adultery with Bathsheba when he had so many wives? “Hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again” damaged their ability to bond to anyone and led them to seek new adventures, Solomon in idolatry, David in adultery:
“When connectedness and bonding form again and then are quickly broken and replaced with another sexual relationship, it seems to cause damage to the brain’s natural connecting or bonding mechanism.”[286]
Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold. Deuteronomy 17:17
God criticized David for not being content with what God had given him:
And I gave thee thy master’s house, and thy master’s wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things. 9Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon. 10Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife. II Samuel 12:8-10
Men Must Possess Their Wives in Honor, Not in Lust
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:4-5
“. . . the finding that the brain centers that produce feelings of romance and love are different and separate from the brain centers responsible for lust is a huge warning to adolescents and young adults. A selfish and manipulate person may have an intense desire to have sex with another person. To accomplish that goal, they may lie about being in love. It is important to know that the desire someone has for sex can exist without any feelings of caring, love or romance.”[287] [emphasis added]
“. . . they[women] say that they ‘give’ sex for security”[288]
A woman must know the difference between a man wanting her and a man valuing her.
Few Americans Treat Others As People As Opposed To Treating Them As Men And Women
The Bible tells us how people who aren’t married to each other should interact:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
I kept our first talk with my wife person to person. From a transcript, you wouldn’t know whether it was a girl mish kid talking to an American boy or a boy mish kid talking to an American girl. Once I decided she was worth my time, I flipped it to man-woman and told her I was going to date her.
“When two people touch each other in a warm, meaningful, and intimate way, oxytocin is released into the woman’s brain. The oxytocin in the brain does two things: increases a woman’s desire for more touches and can begin producing bonding of the woman to the man she has been spending time in physical contact with, as her brain begins to be molded to connect her to the man.”[289] [emphasis added]
“From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner”[290] [emphasis added]
There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage. Men and women can converse as people by avoiding man-woman thoughts or emotions. Your spouse is the only person in the world whose gender should matter to you.
Man-woman talk is dangerous at work. You must please your boss to keep a job. It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much. This can lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with woman-man talk that doesn’t meet God’s standards of purity.
My wife and I talked the day we met; I told her I was going to date her. I didn’t ask her, I told her
Adam was attracted to Eve strongly enough to name her (Gen. 3:20[291]) even after she’d helped him lose his comfortable job tending the garden. I was strongly attracted, but I needed to know if she’d take direction.
Women’s lib had proclaimed that women should get jobs instead of depending on husbands and that there was no reason for women to obey husbands. “Liberated” women at work were Bad News even before #MeToo – they tended to disobey male bosses simply because direction came from men. As one libbie told me, “I do what my husband would have told me to do if he had fully understood the situation.”
Having verified her salvation and intelligence, I needed to know whether she’d been infected with that. I knew from what my classmates said about girlfriends that having her object to whatever I said would be unworkable. A man can’t protect a woman without either her cooperation or her incarceration. Juliet disobeyed her father and sneaked out to be with Romeo. It didn’t end well. Would she obey me?
I also knew that God expected me to lead her by serving her even while dating. Servant leadership (page 53) works only on those who are willing to be led. I didn’t know that taking her to wife would take away her independence, so I had to settle that right from the start.
She knew I was taking command. The wheels turned behind her eyes 15-20 seconds, she gulped, and said “OK.” She could have said “No” and left, her car was right there, but she did want to date me.
Being wanted badly enough to be claimed was OK with her. Our choosing to serve each other by meeting the other’s needs has turned out well, just as the Bible promises.
Other Science Reports Which Show How God Did What He Did
These reports explain the neurological mechanisms behind the binding effects described in Hooked.
Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood
Many mothers suffer from post-partum depression after giving birth. This can severely limit a woman’s ability to function as an effective wife and mother. God gave a way to reduce this. The article Vaginal exposure to semen elevates women’s mood explains:
- One study found that women whose vaginas were exposed to semen (i.e., ones who reported “never” using condoms) showed significantly better mood.
- The positive effects of semen on mood include fewer bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts.
- The effect of semen on mood could be advantageous for sexually active women over age 50 who are experiencing menopausal blues.
...sperm comprise only about 3 percent of semen. The rest is
seminal fluid: mostly water, plus about 50 compounds: sugar (to nourish sperm),
immunosuppressants (to keep women’s immune systems from destroying sperm), and
oddly, two female sex hormones, and many mood-elevating compounds:
endorphins, estrone, prolactin, oxytocin, thyrotrpin-releasing hormone, and
serotonin.
Vaginal tissue is very absorptive. It’s richly endowed with blood and
lymph vessels. [emphasis added]
9 Surprising Things To Know About Semen
“Another way a partner can be allergic to their partner’s semen is if she has an allergy to a particular food or antibiotic, for example, and the male partner has eaten the food or is taking the antibiotic to which she is allergic,” Dr. Reitano added. “The allergen accumulates in the male’s semen, and when it is placed in the vagina, the allergen is absorbed into the bloodstream. The female partner may develop widespread hives or worse.” https://www.health.com/sex/semen-facts [emphasis added]
The Britannica Confirms That Semen Contains Hormones
Semen biochemistry, also known as seminal fluid https://www.britannica.com/science/semen
Fluids contributed by the seminal vesicles are approximately 60 percent of the total semen volume; these fluids contain fructose, amino acids, citric acid, phosphorus, potassium, and hormones known as prostaglandins.
Prostaglandin https://www.britannica.com/science/prostaglandin
Chapter 10 – How A Man Can Open His Heart
A wife needs a lot of reminding that she’s valued, that he likes takeing care of her, and that the relationship is strong. God’s punishment of Eve when she ate the forbidden fruit helps explain this, see page 46.
Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
· God multiplied sorrow to women by making them sensitive to what men say about them. This helps a wife please her husband as she gets to know him if he doesn’t kill it through criticism.
· How many babies would women have had to bear to populate the earth if nobody died?
· Childbirth became painful.
· Eve wanted to be with Adam enough to accept him claiming her and naming her (Gen. 2:23[292], 3:20[293]), but God increased women’s desire for a man in His punishment of Eve. A woman can cause herself a lot of pain if she isn’t careful to control this desire and not get involved with an unworthy man.
· Men rule harshly in most cultures. Christianity is the only faith where men and women are on the same level and have equal value before God (Gal. 3:28[294]). A God-fearing man honors his wife.
When God told Adam he’d eat by the sweat of his face (Gen. 3:18-19 page 45), God didn’t say how Eve would eat. Women aren’t strong enough to farm or hunt without machinery. Until the Industrial Revolution made some nations so wealthy that a woman could get a job and support herself, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her. Women who starved couldn’t raise many children; natural selection favored women who were very concerned about strengthening their connection to a man who fed them.
Opening his heart to his wife reassures her that he belongs to her but opening up is both scary and frustrating because women think so differently from men.
Reporting and Rapport
Men use “report talk” to say what happened. Women use “rapport talk” to build relationships.[295] Women bond to each other by sharing stories. Men bond by sharing experiences. Women have a deep need to talk; “strong, silent type” describes men who don’t talk much. Here’s example of relational woman talk:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream. He should have relied on her feelings.
How Women Think
When men complain that women think emotionally, women feel that men believe that women don’t think at all. This makes them unwilling to try to explain how they think which wastes their knowledge and ideas.
Dismissing women’s thoughts goes back to the Greek philosophers who gave us Aristotelian logic: if A is true, not A is false. Greek philosophers found that the women who were guiding the house didn’t think that way and assumed that women didn’t think at all. Aristotelian thinking is so useful that men tend to believe that it’s the only way to think. Most modern men are no better at valuing women’s thoughts.
Women think holistically, which means “involving or emphasizing the whole.” Everything in the house and everyone she knows is connected to everything else like a multidimensional picture in her mind. This helps a woman find things anywhere in the house and makes it easier to fit each new baby into the family.
Every woman has her own way of seeing her kitchen so it’s very hard for a woman to operate in another woman’s territory. Gen. 31:33-34 tells how Laban searched separate tents for each of Jacob’s four wives. The women could share a husband, but couldn’t share a kitchen or sleeping space.
My mother’s mother came to help her for a week when I was born, and my dad’s mother for a week. My mother was so upset at my dad’s mother rearranging her kitchen that she told me about it 15 years later. She told my wife about it shortly after we were married and promised that she’d never do that to her.
My wife once saw a group of kids running. “That child’s hurt!” she exclaimed even though we were too far away to identify them. One child had a sprained ankle and been given crutches but didn’t want to use them. The way that child ran disturbed my wife. Being able to see or hear one wrong note in a complex situation helps raise children – a choking baby needs help now no matter what else the mother is doing.
A holistic situational sense can protect women from bigger, stronger men. Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” https://a.co/d/cHBCZ1G describes women who’d been robbed or raped. They felt uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking. His book said to pay attention when we feel something’s wrong and discusses ways to tell which fears are real and which are not. Judges 16:18 teaches that a woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks. Many won’t look because they’re afraid they might see something negative.
Explaining Her Thoughts
Even with decades of practice, it can be hard for my wife to explain her thoughts. A friend was in the hospital for heart surgery. His washing machine failed. My wife offered to do their laundry and bought 2 new laundry bags. When I asked why she hadn’t put the clothes in a trash bag, she said she hadn’t thought of it.
I knew that wasn’t the reason but she couldn’t explain. The next day she told me her friend folded dirty laundry in the pile waiting to be washed and would be unhappy if clean clothes came back jumbled in a bag. With her husband in the hospital, my wife didn’t want to add to her stress. She knew this without knowing how she knew until she figured it out the next day. As Prof. Chomsky said, “Experts don’t think – they know!”
When researchers used computers for Artificial Intelligence (AI), they began with forward and backward chaining. This gave us “expert systems” whose conclusions could be explained. As AI advanced to “deep learning,” computers reach answers we can’t understand. The article “Can we let algorithms take decisions we cannot explain?[296]” points out that unexplained decisions make people nervous, just as men get nervous when a woman can’t explain why she has a strongly-held idea which makes no sense to them.
The exact mixture of logic, emotion, and intuition that God gives a wife helps her guide her house and makes women think very differently from men. It’s amazing how different their thoughts can be. A wife told her husband, “Buy me a carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6.” He bought 6 cartons of milk. When she asked why, he said, “They had avocados.” A husband told his wife he was getting her a diamond for their anniversary. She said, “Nothing would please me more.” so he got her nothing.
A husband found a note on the refrigerator, “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opens the fridge, finds it’s working, doesn’t understand why she thought it was broken, and sits down to wait for her to get back from her mother’s place. She, of course, is waiting for him to call her. What a disconnect!
It’s likely that she’d been hinting of trouble and he’d missed it. A friend sent me this illustration of the total disconnects that can happen between men and women:
Her diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong - he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slyly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you too.” When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. H e just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His diary: My motorcycle won't start, and I don't know why.
Men tend to focus more intently than women do, but no man should ever lock his wife out of his thoughts. When a wife tells her husband she loves him out of the blue, it may mean she needs reassurance that he loves her. He should be aware of her distress, work to find out why, and reassure her even if she can’t explain:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
On our first date, my wife said something profound and I started thinking about it. About 20 seconds later, she put her hand on my arm and asked, “Where are you?” I said I was in the restaurant[297], and she said, “No, your mind is a million miles away; I can see it in your eyes.” My lights were on, but nobody was home.
I told her that what she’d said was important and explained how I was trying to fit her knowledge into what I already knew. She liked the fact that I would think so hard about what she said and she found the world where her thoughts had taken me to be interesting, but most of all, she liked the way I opened my heart to her. A man must let his wife into his world when he disappears into his thoughts.
Knowing versus Understanding
Most wives think their husbands should understand them, but not even God expects a man to understand his wife, He expects him to put in the hours and hours of open-hearted talk to know her:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
There’s a big difference between knowing and understanding. My wife believes our quilt isn’t square and the flowers have to be right side up instead of sideways or upside-down. She can’t sleep if the quilt’s on the bed wrong because, she says, it doesn’t cover her when I’m in the bed. I say it’s king-size and she’s a small woman, it’s wide enough to warm her either way, but she doesn’t agree.
There are 7 wrong ways to lay a quilt but only one right way. She was frustrated because I put the quilt on wrong when I tried to help her. She could’ve thought, “If he loved me, he’d know how I want the quilt,” but she knew I loved her. She finally decided I really couldn’t tell which way was up. Then she told me to put the tag in my corner. That solved the problem.
Do I understand this? I do not. But I know it; I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it. This makes her feel loved because she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care; she knows I do it just for her. When you do something just to make your wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to belong to you even if you don’t understand her.
She likes hearing me say I love, value, and appreciate her, but what I do matters a lot more:
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18
The quilt took patience. I see no difference between the top and bottom, but the tag, I can find. She was patient while she figured out how to tell me how to meet her needs. I figured out always putting toilet seats down, pulling hair out of her brush, and rinsing the sink after I brush my teeth, but the quilt, I didn’t get.
Some say I belittle my wife by saying she cares so much about a quilt but that’s silly. God wants children. It does no good for a child to be born if it dies when someone overlooks a tiny detail. Women handle a huge number of details that aren’t on a man’s radar. A woman’s “baby bag” carries different things which change with the seasons and with who’s sick. A man thinks the quilt’s just as warm no matter how it’s on the bed; women agree that there’s one right way to spread a quilt, the other 7 ways are wrong.
This doesn’t mean that all women will agree on how to spread a quilt. One may choose one side for the top; another might prefer the other side. One may want the flowers facing the head of the bed so she can see them from the foot, another might want them the other way so she can see them from her pillow.
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
My wife manages many details of guiding our home and children, I’m glad I don’t have to. I concentrate on the Big Picture, but when something matters to my wife, it had better matter to me. If I don’t care about what matters to her, if I don’t look on her things, she thinks she doesn’t matter to me.
It’s a lot of trouble for me to think about her enough to understand what she wants to know about me. That’s the only way to convince her that I belong to her, and without that, she won’t have the emotional energy to belong to me. There is no joy for a man that compares with having his wife like belonging to him, but he must convince her first to make it possible.
Chapter 11 - Handling Conflict in Marriage
Conflicts between employees put great cost on businesses, schools, families, and any social group. Scholars have spent years studying conflict and ways of dealing with it. At least 80% of these studies are wrong because other researchers don’t get the same answers. How do you tell a good study from a bad one?
To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them. Isaiah 8:20
Biblical principles and conflict researchers come to the same conclusion, particularly for conflict between husbands and wives. The fact that the study of conflict agrees with the Bible means we can trust the research.
For example, the conflict study had a section on call centers. Nobody calls when they’re happy; every caller is upset. That section was full of “If they say this, you could say that.” The Bible says:
A froward man soweth strife Proverbs 16:28 – most callers are forward for one reason or another
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1
The call center section was a list of soft answers to give to callers who were froward in various ways. I don’t want to be forward when I call; I generally say, “Your computer is being mean to me, can you help me figure out why?” Every call center employee is frustrated by the computer every day; this approach puts me and the call center person on the same side, trying to reason with an unreasonable computer.
Disagreement in Marriage
There will be disagreements in any marriage; there are always disagreements whenever two or more people try to do anything together. Disagreements may be more common in marriage because men and women think so differently. God commands husbands not to be bitter when wives do something inexplicable:
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19 *
Similarly, women say it’s hard to understand what a man had in mind no matter how he tries to explain.
Disagreement is inevitable; conflict is not. Disagreement becomes conflict when we let our emotions and feelings into the discussion. This chapter discusses ways to keep disagreement from turning into conflict.
Logic and Emotion
God gave us the ability to think and act with our emotions, that is, from our hearts. He also gave us the ability to think and act logically, that is, from our minds.
God gave us emotional desires to form couples so we’d be fruitful and multiply. There’s no logical reason for a man to dedicate his life to supporting his wife and children. There’s no logical reason for a woman to dedicate her life to taking care of her husband and family. The strangest thing about babies is that having had one, and learning how much work they are, a woman wants another one, and another after that.
Our emotions, that is, the things we do from the heart, determine what we are:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
The Bible commands five times that we “love the LORD thy God with all thine heart,…” (De. 6:5[298], 30:6[299], Mt. 22:37[300], Mk. 12:30[301], Lk. 10:27[302]). Our hearts are so important to God that although these passages list mind, soul, and strength in various ways, heart always comes first. If God has our hearts, the rest follows.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
We must keep, or guard, our hearts because our heartfelt emotions drive our lives. Keep your heart by giving it to God and keep it perfect with God as David did. Having his heart perfect with God didn’t mean David didn’t sin just as keeping your heart perfect with your spouse doesn’t mean you won’t sin. David never valued anything more than he valued God. He never valued any of the heathen idols. Keeping your heart perfect in marriage means you won’t pursue anyone else or value anyone else as you value your spouse.
The emotions that bind men and women together are powerful enough to hold families together in spite of many trials. God expects us to rule these powerful emotions with our logical minds:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
You can stop conflict by holding your emotions in check and speaking calmly and logically.
Emotion drives Conflict
Disagreement turns to conflict when your emotions get aroused; you can discuss issues without conflict if you stay logical and factual by keeping your feelings out of the discussion. Conflict in marriage can be especially damaging because the emotions that drive marriage are so powerful.
The Bible teaches married people to give up their wants in favor of the other:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
If you don’t care about your spouse’s things, your spouse will feel you don’t care about him or her. That’s easy to say, but it can be hard to figure out how to do it, particularly when your emotions are aroused. There are three Biblical principles that can defuse just about any conflict:
1) The other person didn’t mean to make you angry. That wasn’t the goal; your anger was an accident.
2) The conflict is all about you; it has nothing to do with the other person.
3) When you talk about your anger or your upset, never say, “you,” always say “I.”
Making You Angry is Usually an Accident
The Bible promises that married people want to make each other happy; they don’t want to create anger:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34
Men know very little about women, but they all know that an angry woman is a hardship (Proverbs 21:9[303], 19:13[304], 21:19[305], 25:24[306], 27:15[307]). Workers know that angry co-workers make everyone miserable. Adults hardly ever try to make each other angry on purpose, but we’re all creatures of the flesh. We get careless, tired, frustrated, irritated, thoughtless, or selfish. It’s easy for any of us to do something that makes someone else angry without even thinking about it. Bible says:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. Colossians 3:13
“Forbearing one another” is another word for “assume good faith.” Hurting you was not the plan.
The conflict is about you, it has nothing to do with the other person!
The other person probably has no idea that you’re upset or angry. Irritating you wasn’t the plan; it was an unfortunate, unintended result of seeking some other goal. Your emotions can be aroused by your pride:
He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat. Proverbs 28:25
Whomever irritated you will most likely be astounded when you bring it up. The other person may have forgotten about it. If it’s not forgotten, you’ll have different memories of what happened. This isn’t because the other person is lying. Assuming that the hurt wasn’t intended, they’ll see it differently from you because you were hurt. In any case, it’s rare for two people to have the same memory of any event.
Suppose something made you really angry. You can’t let it go and you have to talk about it. You must keep your emotions and your anger out of the discussion of your anger. You can have a calm discussion of something that made you very angry, but it takes self-control. That’s what the Bible commands:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. Matthew 18:15
“Trespass,” means anything that irritates you. Unfortunately, many Bibles have the uninspired heading “Church Discipline” near this passage. That makes people want to talk about offenses only when someone could be thrown out of the church even though the chapter deals with reconciliation, lost sheep, and healing. Research says that the best path when someone offends you is to go and talk about it calmly no matter how minor it seems. The Bible agrees; “trespass” means anything offensive. The sooner you do this the better.
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26
There are several reasons to handle irritations promptly:
1) Whomever offended you may not know you were offended; they’ll forget unless you bring it up soon.
2) The longer you wait, the more you’ll play it over in your mind and the more upset you’ll get.
3) The more you play it over in your mind, the more your memory of the event changes.
Avoiding anger can be especially difficult for a woman when the hormones of pregnancy or monthly cycle make it easy to upset her. Men must be very gentle and loving when hormones affect her brain.
When you talk about anger or hurt, never say, “you,” always say “I”
Angry spouses often hurl accusations at each other. A wife may say, “You don’t love me,” a man may tell his wife, “You never do anything right.” Words said in anger or in pain make the situation worse:
A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife. Proverbs 15:18
Either party can say, “I felt unloved when that happened.” That’s a true statement. It’s like your salvation testimony, nobody can argue with it. Your spouse may remember it differently, however. There is never only one version of the past; there are at least two memories of what happened, maybe more.
Don’t argue about memory. Let go of “You did that.” – “No, I didn’t.” Assume good faith – your spouse probably isn’t lying when his or her memory differs from yours. Even if you don’t agree on what happened, you can focus on the emotions and try to figure out how to keep what angered you from angering you again.
It’s important not to accuse the other party. If a woman tells her husband he doesn’t love her, he’ll disagree because of all the things he does because he loves her. If he decides he can’t please her, he may stop trying. If a husband criticizes his wife’s efforts to please him, she may become discouraged and give up.
Don’t say, “When you did that...” Keeping it impersonal by saying “when that happened” puts you and your spouse on the same side. As partners, you can work together to figure out how to solve the problem. Accusations put you and your spouse on opposite sides. Hurling emotion back and forth makes it worse:
Surely the churning of milk bringeth forth butter, and the wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood: so the forcing of wrath bringeth forth strife. Proverbs 30:33
It’s best to list good things when mentioning any upset. A man can say, “What we just did didn’t work out as well as yesterday, and I liked what you did this morning.” A wife can say, “In my heart, what happened today made me feel unloved even though I know you love me. You come home, you work to support us, you praise the food, you play with the kids.” The Bible usually puts the negative first and ends with the positive – “the fool … but the wise …” A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Here’s how to minimize conflict:
1) It’s generally an accident; adults very seldom try to make each other angry on purpose.[308]
2) The hurt and anger are all about you, the other person may have no clue that you’re upset.
3) Never say “you.” Say “I” to focus on your feelings. Talk about how you felt, not who did what.
4) Listen to the other party, particularly if emotion is leaking in. It takes effort for men to understand what a woman is talking about and vice versa, but if you don’t listen respectfully and carefully for as long as it takes to understand, how can you fix the problem?
5) Have
an agreement in place that if someone needs a “time out” to keep from saying
hurtful things, whoever leaves must return within 24 hours. Knowing
that the other party will come back makes the situation far less worrisome for
both parties. This shouldn’t happen, but leaving for a while can be better
than saying hurtful things which you can neither take back nor erase:
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor
Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel Half a Line, Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of
it.”
6) One of you must help the other in time of trouble (Ecc. 4:9-12[309]). You can’t both be swamped at the same time. If a wife’s stressed because company’s coming, her husband must help her, and he can’t rest until she recovers. If he’s overwhelmed, she must help him even if she’d like to let go.
This is easy to say, but it can be hard to do. The rest of this chapter explores applications.
Good Faith is Unbelievably Important
I did something very Japanese on our first date that made my wife angry. She could have gotten in her car and driven home. I would have been badly hurt. If she’d done that, we probably wouldn’t have married.
She thought, “This guy’s smitten with me. He didn’t offer to buy me food to make me mad.” Instead of showing her anger, she gently asked me why I’d done it. When I told her, she liked my reason. She saw that there would be many such issues in the future, but she knew that I would tell her why. When I opened my heart to her as Boaz opened his heart to Ruth the day they met (Ruth 2:11-12[310]), she knew that if I told her why I did strange things, we’d be OK. Her assuming that I didn’t want to anger her got her a husband.
“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken!” – Oliver Cromwell
What You Believe Determines What You Do
God is good and marriage is good. Psalm 107 says four times, “Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!” The psalmist saw that people don’t really believe that God is good. If they thought God was good, they’d obey Him so He could bless them.
Marriage is one of God’s wonderful works. It’s too wonderful to be put into words:
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19
Nobody marries to make the other person unhappy. The bride expects that the groom will be happy with her, and the groom expects that his bride will be happy with him (I Corinthians 7:32-34).
God loved all of us enough to send His Son to die so that our sins could be forgiven and we’d have everlasting life (John 3:16). God invented salvation out of love for us. God also invented marriage. If He loved us enough to send His Son to die for us so that we could have joy in the next life if we pursue salvation according to His instructions, don’t you think He loved us enough to create marriage so that we could be joyous in this life if we take up marriage according to His instructions?
I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10b
Jesus wants our lives to be abundant! The bride and groom want marriage to overflow with joy. God is party to their marriage vows (Malachi 2:14[311]), He wants it to be so good that it shines a light to the lost.
Marriage hasn’t worked out wonderfully for lots of Christians. Given that all parties wanted it to be good, when a marriage isn’t good, it’s a sign that something went wrong and something must change. Continuing with whatever you’re doing and expecting better results is one of the definitions of insanity.
Many Christians say, “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him,” but few act as if they believe God is good. The Bible teaches husband and wife to belong to each other; most Christians would rather keep emotional and physical independence. The Bible teaches that a husband should lead his wife by serving her; many husbands prefer to command. The Bible teaches that a wife should obey her husband; most wives would rather do what her husband would have told her to do if he had understood the situation as she did. Doing salvation our way takes us to Hell; doing marriage our way can make life Hell on earth.
God commands us to praise Him because praising Him reminds of what He’s given us and makes us less likely to be unhappy about what we don’t have. Scientists recommend praise between husband and wife:
“Expressing appreciation to your partner, noticing the things you love about them and telling them that you love those things about them,” said Ms. Joel, “just has wondrous effects. They feel appreciated, and then in turn they feel better, and just expressing the gratitude makes you feel better, and then they want to reciprocate the gratitude, so then they appreciate you more which makes you feel better.”[312]
A study in Emotion found that completing an act of compassion for a spouse–like clearing snow off the spouse’s windshield in the morning–improves the giver’s emotional well-being, even when the spouse doesn’t acknowledge it. Under these circumstances, the giver may get up to 45% more emotional benefit than the recipient.[313]
Wives appreciate husbands putting toilet seats down, and there are countless ways to show love and appreciation. My wife’s hairbrush collects hair. It takes 30 seconds to pull the hair out with a comb. That doesn’t save her much effort, but it warms her heart to be reminded that I’m thinking of her.
Relating to God and His Word
Following the Bible helps handle conflict. God is His Word (John 1:1). Your view of God shows in how you handle His word. Suppose a wife tells her husband over and over that she likes vanilla ice cream, but he always brings home chocolate. She won’t believe anything he says about loving her or caring for her because he won’t “dwell according to knowledge (I Pe. 3:7).” Jesus asked, “And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say (Luke 6:46)?” Can someone who ignores what the Bible teaches really love God?
The simplest solution to marriage problems requires that you believe that God is good so you can follow His plan for marriage. God knew what men wanted when He made women. God also knew what men needed. Men who refuse to see how women meet their needs, as opposed to their wants, often feel that God made women incorrectly. Their complaints make their wives unhappy, which makes everyone unhappy.
Marriage is a gift from God; you don’t deserve it. A woman doesn’t deserve her husband dedicating his life to taking care of her and leading her by serving her, that’s a gift from God who made men and from him as he chooses to spend his life nourishing her and cherishing her. A man isn’t worthy of his wife’s submission, that’s a gift from God who made her and from her when she chose to obey God and belong to her husband.
Marriage prospers if you have an “attitude of gratitude” to God for His gift of marriage and serve your spouse in gratitude to your spouse for being yours. If you think of marriage as something God or your spouse owes you, it won’t work no matter how many books you read or how many counselors you see.
The only way two people can be “no more twain but one flesh (Mk. 10:8)” as Jesus expects is for both to die to their former lives and be re-born into a one-flesh married unit. God expects husband and wife to serve each other. When you serve your spouse, you aren’t just serving your spouse, you’re also serving God.
If you’re saved, God sees you as perfect because Jesus’ blood has washed your sins away (Ps. 103:12[314], I Cor. 6:11[315]). We’re commanded to treat each other with kindness (Eph. 4-32[316]) and follow after God (Eph. 5:1-2[317]). God sees you as perfect and sees your spouse as perfect. You must follow after God and choose to see your spouse as perfect for you. See your spouse as perfect, talk about your spouse as perfect, value your spouse as perfect and the marriage will work.
We’ve discussed Bible-based ways to keep disagreements which are inevitable in any marriage from escalating to conflict. The next chapter discusses common sources of conflict in marriages.
Chapter 12 - Sources of Conflict – Sex and Communication Styles
The main sources of conflict in marriage are personality, in-laws, children, sex, communication, and money.
Personality
People whose lives are merged closely with someone else can become irritated by personality traits. Some characteristics are related to gender. Men do things that annoy women just by being men. Talking to other women showed my wife that many men annoy their wives by doing the same things I do that annoy her.
Older women must teach younger women about men (Titus 2:3-5). After she’d said that a man plans to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed (Gen. 29:21), a woman said, “If I’d known that, I’d have stayed with my 1st husband. My 2nd did the same thing.” We must all cling to Jesus’ words:
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22 *
Some say that in saying 490 times, Jesus commanded unlimited forgiveness. I agree. I’ve been married longer than 490 months. If I annoyed my wife only once per month, she wouldn’t have to forgive any more if she’d counted. I suspect I annoy her more often than that, so I’m glad she decided to laugh about it and appreciate the ways men differ from women instead of being angry.
Other habits have nothing to do with man or woman. My wife’s a neatnick; she believes there’s a place for everything and everything must be in its place. God arranged that opposites attract so we’d bring forth after our kind. If tall people married tall and short people married short, there’d be two kinds instead of one.
It should be no surprise that I’m a trashnik, the opposite of a neatnick. My wife cleans off a table; when I come in carrying something, I tend to put it in the first open space. It frustrates her that her efforts to be neat and put everything away are frustrated. To her, I’m a clutterbug. She saves old clothes, so she’s a pack rat.
“Trashnick” is tactless so let’s use “innie” and “outie.” An innie wants everything put away; an outie wants things out in the open where they’re easy to find. I’ve an innie friend who married without seeing her husband’s house. “The living room was full of tires,” she said. He had 8 tires, 4 for each vehicle. An outie keeps tires in the living room so he can find them. “It took me a month to get the tires out on the front porch,” she said, “and another two months to get them around back, but I got them out of the living room.”
She went carefully and slowly instead of just taking over his house. As he came to trust that she could find his socks, underwear, and other unimportant things, he trusted her to find important things like his tires.
Our 16 month old son visited grandma’s house. He pointed to a 2 inch piece of white string on her rug and said “Broom, broom.” When grandma asked what he wanted, he crawled to the closet and patted the vacuum cleaner. He wanted her to clean up this intolerable messiness. His personality and his mother’s innie training made him even innier than she, so his extreme outie wife has had to work hard to learn his innie ways.
An innie woman married to an outie is frustrated because she can’t keep her house as neat as she’d like. I know my wife’s distress, but it’s hard for me to avoid messing up. I have to work at being better at that. It’s probably harder for an outie wife married to an innie husband. It’s hard for an innie to understand just how difficult it is for an outie to act like an innie. My son’s wife can clean like a white tornado when she has to; she can put everything away very fast. Over the years she’s learned her husband’s ways, but it was a hard slog.
When she visits, she tends to think that my wife is rebellious because my wife’s house is not as neat as her husband expects of her. She doesn’t realize that my wife’s husband isn’t an innie like her husband.
Couples draw closer to each other over time. I Cor. 14:40 commands “Let all things be done decently and in order,” so the outie should probably move further toward the innie than vice versa. We have to consider our testimony; even lost people know that “cleanliness is next to Godliness.” I have a ways to go.
On the other hand, the term “control freak” describes innies who overdo it.
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Philippians 4:5
Some people like to plan everything out way in advance; others prefer to just do whatever comes up. To some, “Yes” is a 100% commitment, to others, “Yes” means “Maybe” or “If possible.”
If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Romans 12:18
Living peaceably with your spouse is worth a great deal of work, time, effort, thought, and prayer.
Conflict with In-Laws
Your in-laws are your spouse's parents. Very few parents want their children to be unhappy. No matter what they think of you, your in-laws know that if they make you unhappy, their child who’s joined to you will be unhappy. When your in-laws make you unhappy, it’s generally an accident because they don’t want their child miserable. Most in-law troubles come from lack of communication and lack of understanding.
In the old days, young people married from the same town. We travel further these days and many people marry without a lot of common cultural background. That can make in-law communication difficult, particularly if your in-laws and your spouse have different cultures which can lead to misunderstandings.
Years ago, I worked with a young engineer named Joe Dziezanowski and an office assistant named Nancy Smith. In the course of time, Joe and Nancy married, so she goes through life spelling her new name, Dzie… and so on. They decided to visit his grandparents in Poland, so she called the embassy to ask them to mail a visa application. She hears the usual, “Spell it, please,” so she starts “Dizez.” “Lady,” the man says, “I’m Polish. Dziezanowski I can spell. What I can’t spell is ‘Nancy’.”
I have a friend whose wife’s parents fled Iran just before the Shah fell. She grew up in America and has a light complexion. You’d think she’s an all-American girl with a tan. Her parents never adapted to America, however, so their cultural conflicts get pretty tangled. My friend and his wife share a common American culture; her Iranian parents confuse her as much as his in-laws confuse him.
Cultural confusion can be long-lasting and hard to resolve. My wife and I painted one of our bathrooms. I was at my in-laws that weekend and told them we’d painted it green.
Next time she visited, my mother-in-law said, “You painted the bathroom again.” My wife said, “No, we painted it once.” Mother in law said, “Your husband said you painted it green but its blue.” She looked at me funny. I told her, “I'm not colorblind; I just get the names mixed up.” She looked at me funnier.
When I asked my wife what happened, she said my mother in law thought I was mentally defective.
Several years later, my wife took Japanese lessons because we planned to visit the town in Japan where I’d grown up. After an early lesson, she said, “I understand blue and green!” Japanese have a word for the color of grass and they use the same word for the color of the sky. I grew up using one word for both colors. It never occurred to me that getting the English words mixed up was strange – my Japanese friends did it all the time, and Kentucky blue grass looks green to me.
My wife’s mother accepted this, sort of, but didn't really believe it until she visited Japan and asked.
That’s the sort of disconnect you get with cross-culture in-laws. My mother-in-law knew that her daughter had married me for better or worse and she didn’t rag about her mentally-deficient son-in-law. Had she done so, life would have been difficult unless she noticed how badly her daughter was suffering and stopped.
We solved this problem because my wife remembered the issue for years and saw the solution when it came. Here’s another culture-clash. My mother was teaching child development at a Japanese college. She spoke of “The first trimester … the second trimester…” A student asked, “What’s a trimester?” Mom said, “Its 1/3 of a pregnancy. Pregnancy is 9 months; a trimester is 1/3 of the pregnancy, so a trimester is 3 months.”
Ever been teaching and realize that something you said totally, utterly lost the entire class? Mom had no clue what she’d said, but there was total disconnect, all the lights went out at once. Finally, a student said, “But Taylor sensei, pregnancy takes 10 months in Japan. We’ve been having babies a long time and we know.”
From her youth up, my mother had been told about 9 month pregnancies, and she’d had 3. However, all the students lit back up, the lights came back on, so she had to roll with ten-month pregnancies.
She drew 11 vertical lines for 10 months of pregnancy. Class-wide nods. She turned the chalk sideways and drew two fat lines at 3 1/3 months and 6 2/3 months. “Americans divide pregnancy into thirds. This is the first trimester, this is the second, …” as the class learned about another crazy round-eye custom.
Japanese pregnancies do take 10 months. Why? On average, pregnancy takes 280 days. 280 divided by 9 is 31, so pregnancy is 9 31-day western months. The Japanese word for “month” uses the character for “moon.” 280 days divided by a 28-day lunar month is 10. What happens when a Japanese wife who’s English isn’t all that great becomes pregnant in the US and asks a 9-month obstetrician when she’s due?
Suppose an American college student goes to Japan and marries a Japanese girl. His Japanese isn’t wonderful and her English is incomplete. Who’s going tell his parents when they fly over for the wedding that in Japan, the groom’s family is responsible for paying for the wedding? And that the custom is for each family to send one person to the reception, but that person must bring home enough food so that everyone in their family gets a taste? Assuming they get through that, what happens when she’s expecting and tells her American mother-in-law, “I’m in my 10th month!” Her 9-month in-law will freak.
My brother knew a well-educated Japanese lady whose niece was marrying an American. “I don’t know if they can have children,” she mourned. “American pregnancies take only 9 months, we take 10. Their body temperature is 98(F), and we’re 37(C). How can they have babies?” Well, they can! For in-law issues:
1) They don’t want to make you unhappy if only for the sake of their own child’s happiness.
2) Subtle cultural issues can take years to figure out. Pay close attention at all times!
3) You don’t just marry your spouse, you marry the whole family. If you think ill of each other, so be it, but shut up about it. Unhappy in-laws will make your spouse unhappy. That will make you unhappy.
4) There may be severe doctrinal differences between you and your in-laws. In those cases, cling to the Lord and remember that they, too, need Christ.
Our society has far too many sub-cultures to list them all. For example, people who work in Internet marketing use the term “blast” to mean sending out email or text messages to prospective customers. One of my friends received an email that referred to “blasting.” Not knowing how techies used the term, she thought she was being criticized. Instead of blasting back, however, she asked and learned what the writer meant.
In-laws should remember, God expects each couple to establish a separate household. Jesus said:
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Matthew 19:5
Our society has no “rite of passage,” a ceremony that indicates that a child is now an adult. Parents often have trouble realizing that children have grown up and must make their own way. My wife’s mother was secretary of a 1,000 member church. If we’d married there, we’d have had to invite the whole congregation and my relatives would have been lost in the mob. We had a small wedding in the church where we met.
Her pastor was hurt, but I explained that I had had to prove to one and to all that she was now mine. He understood, and forgave me. We didn’t drive 45 minutes to spend our first Christmas with my in-laws. I had to prove to them and to my wife that she now belonged to me; we came for New Years instead.
However, we had had Thanksgiving dinner with them. My mother-in-law always cooked to exhaustion – if she had any energy left, she’d bake another pie. After dinner, I stripped the meat off the turkey and got the bones ready for soup. She decided I had some value, which made missing us at Christmas less painful.
Mother-in-law jokes refer to the husband’s mother-in-law because men forget the saying, “If you would the maiden win, with her mother first begin.” Women differ greatly, but a wife and her mother differ less than most women. Learn to praise and appreciate a wife’s mother, if only to learn how to praise your wife.
Maintaining solid relationships with in-laws gives your children the blessing of grandparents. Your in-laws raised your spouse. Your children will be like your spouse and may do some of the same things your spouse did during childhood. Grandparents really have seen it all before. You don’t have to rediscover all the lessons of parenthood for yourself if you draw on the wisdom, knowledge, and scars of your in-laws.
The best way to deal with in-laws is to show them and your spouse over and over how much you love, appreciate, cherish, and nourish their child. My mother-in-law could see how much I loved her daughter. That made it easier for her to accept her mentally-defective son-in-law who couldn’t tell blue from green.
It’s stupid to recycle old mistakes your in-laws could have told you about. Communicate! Never assume hostility where none is meant. Your anger is about you, not about the other person.[318]
Children
Malachi 2:15 explains why God brings men and women together into “one flesh.” “And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed.” God gets servants by having the servants He has have children. Children can cause great stress, which is one reason He made the bonds between men and women so strong.
When my wife taught school, a hardware merchant loved helping her buy things for her classroom. When she told him she planned to marry, he said, “May all your problems be children.” What did he mean?
Lots of kids become picky eaters which can bring great frustration. This attitude is forbidden by God:
Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving: For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer. I Timothy 4:3-5
If you’ve thanked the Lord for the food, it’s sanctified to God, and is not to be refused or criticized. We had a system. The child didn’t have to clean the plate in case we gave too much, but the plate went in the refrigerator came out at the next meal. And the next meal, and the meal after that in stubborn cases.
When he was four, my son decided a few days before Christmas that he absolutely, positively would not eat his last spoonful of Spanish rice. He’d eaten the rest, but the last bite was anathema. We put it away, and brought it out, and put it away, and brought it out again. This went on for four days.
Finally, my wife took our other son and drove off to grandma’s for Christmas. The holdout realized that I meant what I said, if he didn’t yield, he and I would miss Christmas. He ate the last spoonful.
Why was my son so stubborn? He liked Spanish rice. What was going on? Where did he get the strength of character to hold out for four days? Ever hear of DNA? Ever hear of heredity? The Bible says, As is the mother, so is her daughter (Eze. 16:44[319]) and that Adam bore a son in his own likeness (Gen. 5:3[320]).
I knew the passage about mothers and daughters. When I met my future in-laws, I took a good look at her mother. My future wife had her mother’s DNA and most of what she knew about being a wife had been taught by her mother. Her mother was a truly gracious lady and her father was happy. I decided that if my wife acted the same way at that age, I’d be just fine. Her mother appreciated me when I told her that.
The Bible says your kids are you. My father said children were perfect mirrors, showing all their parents’ faults. Children show us the things we did wrong when we were children, and what’s worse, they show us things we still do wrong. It’s humbling to admit to your child that you blew it and that you’re trying to change. Kids don’t expect their parents to be perfect; I’ve never lost points with my children by confessing error, but humbling yourself before a child is no fun at all, but covering mistakes ends up being worse.
Having children fling your sins in your face is painful. It’s worse when your child marries and your child’s spouse realizes that you have the same problem. Heredity makes problems with children more intense.
We had no static about food for years after the Spanish rice episode. One evening, a son said, “I don’t like this.” I swept it off his plate and divided it among the 4 of us. “What’ll I eat?” he asked. “Nothing. You didn’t want it; that’s all there is.” “May I leave?” “No, this is dinner time. Stay here.” That ended that.
When my sons got to college, they were astounded at how few of their classmates would eat college food. Picky kids had grown up to be picky college students. I wonder what they eat now.
To be fair, parents have to set an example of eating with thanks. My mom served carrots at a meal when I was about to go off to college. Dad looked at her and said, “Do I have to keep eating these any longer?”
Mom smiled and said probably not. We were bewildered. It turned out that dad hated carrots from his youth up, but he and mom sincerely believed that all things are to be eaten with thanks. He’d set an example for us by eating carrots for decades. My brothers and I divided up his carrots; they weren’t wasted.
My wife’s parents didn’t like Brussels sprouts or broccoli. They had them often, and their kids never knew. Both our families found that giving thanks for all foods was powerful testimony to people from other cultures.
Your examples speak so loudly that your kids can’t hear a thing you say. What’s worse, your children are you! You’re re-living your failures. Past a certain age, you know it will hit the wall, and you can’t stop it. All you can do is pray and, knowing the terror of the lord (II Cor. 5:11a[321]), try to persuade. Other child-related conflicts feed on lack of communication. Unlike in laws who seldom deliberately stir up conflict between spouses, children look for areas where you disagree. The child wants to get out of a chore or wants to do something one or both parents might not approve.
Things change visibly when a child accepts salvation and then change again when he or she decides to belong to the Lord as a teenger, but an unsaved child’s heart doesn’t belong to God. Your self-centered child’s full time job is figuring out how to manipulate you to get what the child wants. When asking permission, a manipulative child goes to the parent the child believes is most likely to say “Yes.”
A simple way to deal with this is to decree that a child must get “Yes” from both parents and that either parent may say “No” without knowing why. It took us several years to figure this out, but it helped a lot.
We found that neither of us ever had all the information. Somehow, either by accident or by design, the child seeking “Yes” often left out important details. The answer usually became obvious if we took the time to pool everything either of us knew, called other parents, and pried more details out of the child.
Years later, we overheard one of our sons say to a friend, “Mom won't let me do that.” His friend asked, “Have you asked your dad.” Our son said, “He’ll ask what mom said. If I haven't asked her, he’ll talk to her about it. If she said ‘No,’ he’ll ask, ‘Then why are you asking me?’ and I’ll be in trouble.”
We tried to let our sons do as many new things as we could, but they had to convince both of us.
We learned the value of vague feelings when a friend’s daughter came back from college with a boyfriend. He was a successful businessman who was good at hiring and at pleasing customers. He couldn’t explain why, but he did not like this young man. He told his daughter, “I’d never hire him; you may not marry him.”
His wife had planned the wedding in her mind and was looking forward to grandchildren. His daughter hadn’t kept her heart. She was convinced that she was in love and her sister sympathized. My friend had not one, not two, but three contentious women dwelling with him (Pr. 21:19, 27:15).
It's easy to tell when a wife is unhappy with her husband – it shows in her body language, her walk, and in her tone of voice. A couple of weeks later there was a sudden change; the three women were content. They had learned something about the young man that made them agree that they didn’t want him in their family. The father had been right, even though he couldn’t say what bothered him.
Pleasing Her Husband
A wife generally has a strong desire to please her husband. She needs to know that he still loves and values her, and she needs to hear this many times per day. I was in a meeting and my friend’s wife telephoned from the bank to ask a question. They talked for 2 minutes, and we resumed. A half-hour later, she called from the post office for another 2 minutes. “Why does she keep checking with me?” he asked.
“Because she wants you to be pleased with what she does. That is a gift from God to men. You need to tell her how much you appreciate her checking to make sure things happen the way you want them.”
While working from home for years, I developed fierce powers of concentration to do my job. My wife would ask, “Why did you let child A violate rule B?” not realizing that I hadn’t known child A was in the room.
No matter how hard I was thinking, however, I had to let her interrupt when she needed attention, if only to remind her that she was more important than my work. She learned to wait while I hit the “save” key, then I was hers. Sometimes she had a question, sometimes she just wanted a smile, but she needed it badly.
Suppose your wife is in a bad auto accident. The surgeons put her back together, but she needs regular doses of painkillers so her muscles can relax enough to heal. No matter how busy you are, wouldn’t you set an alarm clock to be sure to give her pills on schedule to meet her physical needs and heal her pain?
A wife needs regular doses of attention and appreciation, that’s what “your desire” means. You have to let her set the dose of attention and appreciation to meet her emotional needs and not cause her pain. To be one as Jesus expects, you have to die to yourself in favor of her and the family. It’s no longer “you,” it’s “us.”
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
My wife manages many details of guiding our home and children, I’m glad I don’t have to. I concentrate on the Big Picture, but when something matters to my wife, it had better matter to me. If I don’t care about what matters to her, if I don’t look on her things, she thinks she doesn’t matter to me, and vice versa.
Reporting and Rapport
Men use “report talk” to say what happened. Women use “rapport talk” to build relationships.[322] Women bond to each other by sharing stories. Men bond by sharing experiences. Women have a deep need to talk; “strong, silent type” describes men who don’t talk much. Here’s example of relational woman talk:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream. He should have relied on her feelings. On the other hand, a wife must let her husband punish their children when necessary no matter how she feels:
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14
We never heard what was wrong with the rejected boyfriend, but we’ve seen bad marriages give a taste of the punishments of Hell. Our friend’s daughter probably saved herself from Hell on earth by obeying her dad.
A man can’t protect his family without either cooperation or incarceration. If our friend’s daughter hadn’t cooperated with her father, if she’d run off with this guy, he couldn’t have protected her. Juliet’s father tried to keep her away from Romeo and appointed the family nurse to keep her at home. Juliet fooled the nurse, snuck off, and got together with Romeo. It didn’t turn out well – they both ended up dead.
Peter Pan told Wendy to stay in the clearing. Captain Hook kidnapped her when she disobeyed and went walking in the woods. Peter had to risk his life in a sword fight to get her back. If he’d known he wouldn’t get Wendy’s cooperation, should he have used incarceration by locking her in the house?
Fathers aren’t infallible. Jacob let his daughter Dina go out to “see the daughters of the land;” Shechem raped her (Gen. 34). David told his daughter Tamar to go see Amnon and didn’t make Amnon marry Tamar after Amnon raped her (II Samuel 13). Did David or Jacob ask their wives for advice before doing these things?
The hardest part about parenting is persuading children that your ways are right. They may obey while living with you, but when they leave, they’ll do what they think is right. Unless you convince them that your ways are best before they leave home, they’ll do something else, to your sorrow.
Chapter 13 - Sources of Conflict – What We Say and What We Do
We communicate by what we say and by what we do. Actions speak louder than words - what we do speaks so loudly that nobody can hear what we say. Of all the things married people do, sex communicates the most vividly. If a woman deflects her husband’s desires or he deflects hers, they aren’t following the principle of belonging to each other described by the woman in Song 2:16 who says, “My beloved is mine, and I am his:”
If a man won’t stop when his wife says, “Ouch,” he’s telling her that he doesn’t mind hurting her.
Sex is important to a man. Although women enjoy sex from time to time, they're not generally as driven for sex as men are. Most women yearn to build relationships by sharing their heartfelt feelings instead. Open-hearted conversation is as vital to a woman’s well-being as open-hearted sex is to a man.
Most men know that lying about love helps persuade women to have sex, but few understand how deeply relationships matter to women. God told Adam that he would eat by the sweat of his face (Gen. 3:19[323]). Eve wasn't strong enough to hunt or to farm without machinery and she had other burdens while pregnant, nursing, and raising children. Through generations of hunter-gathering and muscle-powered agriculture, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her. If a woman’s relationship with her provider fell apart, she and her children might starve. Maintaining and strengthening relationships was a matter of life and death.
Having her husband open his heart to her so that she knows that the relationship is in good shape is as important to her as having his wife open her body to him is to a man.
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
Why is he so eager to come home? Will he rejoice in how neatly she’s stacked their linen closet? Or is he confident that she’ll delight in giving him the “three warms:” a warm bed, a warm heart, and warm meals?
The Bible teaches that both parties should sacrifice their own interests in favor of serving each other:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
The Bible teaches that it’s fraud for a husband or wife to deny each other:
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:3-5 *
“Benevolence” refers to a gift; “due” means something owed. Husband and wife owe each other the free and undeserved gift of themselves. They must give freely to each other but the verse starts with the husband giving himself to his wife. Couples open themselves to Satan’s temptation if either defrauds the other by failing to meet basic physical or emotional needs.
Owing a voluntary gift isn’t a contradiction. You don’t have to marry. “Due benevolence” means that if you do marry, you have vowed before Almighty God that you will freely give of yourself to your spouse based on your spouse’s individual needs as long as you both shall live. It’s fraud against God if you don’t.
Communication
It’s a sacrifice for a man to open his heart as much as his wife desires. God also expects a man to talk with his wife enough to know her needs and take them into account:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
If a man fails to honor his wife by listening to her enough to know how best to nourish and cherish her, his prayers bounce off the ceiling. This can take a lot of talk. Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I really like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. The Holy Spirit led her to tell me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant from her point of view.
I had no idea how vital this was. A woman can’t follow or obey her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[324]). It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying. If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind. A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her, so making my wife feel appreciated benefits me greatly.
Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31:11 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her. It helped that from time to time, as the spirit moved her, she’d call me “Sir.” The Bible teaches women to call their husbands “Lord.”
Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:6
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
There is no worse shame for a man than having a woman belittle or defy him. Men are deeply afraid of ridicule from women; her calling me “Sir” meant that she’d respect me even when I made mistakes. That made it a lot easier for me to open my heart to her and show her my love for her.
Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine. The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife are supposed to belong to each other (Song 2:16[325], 6:3[326]). God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and led her to show me I could trust her. Opening my heart to her made me hers.
A wife chooses to honor her husband, it cannot be commanded. Some years ago, I read:
Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well. I Timothy 3:12
“Wife,” I asked, “do I qualify, I don’t rule you, I hardly ever tell you what to do?”
“Husband,” she said, “you rule me totally. Your ways aren’t natural to me, but we’ve talked enough that I know how you want things done. Nearly everything I do, I know how you want it done and I do it your way.”
She desired to please me and chose to serve me out of love as Christ chose to die for sinners out of love. Once I understood that, I was more careful to notice how she did things and express appreciation. It also showed another advantage of all that talking. A woman can’t follow her husband if she doesn’t know what he wants. The only way she can find out is through hours and hours of talk.
It’s important to keep your words healthful at all times. While we were dating, she asked that I never criticize her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more your disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to make it hard for her to love me, so I watch what I say. God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
I need this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man she loves. My wife tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the most pleasant place in the entire world for me to be. That’s why I like hanging around her and hurry home to be with her (Song 2:8[327]).
Keeping your talk gentle and kind is one of the fruits of the spirit (Gal. 5:22-23[328]). It avoids conflict.
Sex Communicates
God intended that a wife should welcome her husband’s physical drive and keep it focused on her:
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:18-20
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:3
How can a man be ravished always with his wife’s love unless she always welcomes him? Draining off all his sexual energy convinces him that she belongs to him. This makes it worth his while to nourish her and cherish her (Eph. 5:29[329]). Keeping his desire focused on her makes it much harder for other women to get his attention. Letting him leave home loaded, on the other hand, leaves him more vulnerable to temptation:
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
Seeing the power of his desire for her helps convince a woman that he cares enough about her to stay with her. This is one way for a woman to be reassured about the stability of the relationship, but it matters greatly how a man approaches sex. God commands men to set their wives apart:
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Timothy 4:3-5
Some say that this refers to a man possessing his own body, but the “vessel” as in “as unto the weaker vessel” describes something that receives. Jesus said that a man and wife were “no more twain, but one flesh.” It doesn’t matter which body the passage refers to; in a Christian marriage, there’s only one body.
“Sanctify” means “set apart.” The only way to set a wife apart is to marry her first and listen to her to get to know her well enough that she’s “but one” as in the Song of Solomon. He must know what makes her different from all other women or he hasn’t sanctified her. Without sanctification, he possesses her in the lust of those who don’t know God. She won’t like being treated that way and she won’t want to do it.
What separates man from animals? Human beings know right from wrong and they care about each other. Men, if you possess a woman without worrying whether you’re doing right by her, if you don’t set her apart from all other women, you’re no better than a beast.
Women understand this. An unsanctified wife may feel that any woman would satisfy her husband. This makes her feel like a whore or an interchangeable sex toy. Being taken is humbling (De. 21:14, 22:25, 22:29, Ez. 22:10-11); being taken by a man who won’t sanctify her is humiliating.
Listen to what men should say about their wives:
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:29
These men know that their wives are the best there could be. The only way a man can praise so that a woman believes it is to talk to her enough to know her well enough to praise her gifts in detail. Talking that much is scary for men, but opening herself to her husband often enough to satisfy him is scary for a wife because being invaded takes away her independence.
As my wife’s desire to talk was stronger than I could imagine, a man’s sex drive is stronger than a woman can imagine. As a woman wants her husband to open his heart to her for hours of talk per day, a man wants his wife to open herself to him many times per day. Ezekiel pointed out that men’s sex drive is so strong that it can lead to sodomy when men feel rejected:
Thou art thy mother’s daughter, that loatheth her husband and her children; and thou art the sister of thy sisters, which loathed their husbands and their children: your mother was an Hittite, and your father an Amorite. Ezekiel 16:45
The prophet says that in loathing their husbands, the women of Israel were sisters in conduct to the women of Sodom. Modern feminist writings say that men are “too macho,” they are “too possessive,” their desires are “disgusting.” Women are being taught to loathe their future husbands, which leads to sodomy.
Thwarted drive also opens men to pornography. Once a man learns to find satisfaction in porn, he doesn’t have to beg and never suffers the humiliation of being told, “No.” A man runs the same risk if he fails to satisfy his wife’s need to open-hearted talk - she’ll be tempted to share her emotional thoughts with someone else. Emotional fornication often leads to physical fornication.
Some men say their wives don’t want to talk. This may be because she’s been so criticized by her husband or other men that she’s afraid to open herself. Women are unbelievably sensitive; many wives interpret their husbands’ words more negatively than their husbands intend. Men must be careful what they say.
Conflicts over Money
After listing many activities that wouldn’t bring happiness, Solomon told men how to find joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9 *
A man’s only source of joy is his work and his wife, but for him to rejoice with her, he must nourish her and cherish her so that she rejoices in belonging to him. Solomon’s labors were vanity and chasing after wind because he worked to please himself, but when a man works to provide for his wife, her depending on him makes his labor worthwhile (I Tim. 5:8[330]). Nothing straightens up a man like having a woman lean on him, and if she teaches her children to follow him by her example of submission, he can get joy from them.
Many women have difficulty choosing suitable gifts for husbands or brothers. This is because God designed men with one really major drive and designed women to fulfill it. If a man’s wife likes belonging to him, that’s pretty much all he wants and they can spend whatever he earns guiding the house. If a man opens his heart to his wife and makes her feel loved, she can more easily be content to live on what he earns.
Without talk, however, a wife feels unloved and unappreciated, and she’ll want to go shopping to make herself feel better. Similarly, a man feels unloved unless his wife encourages him to have her whenever he can. Without that, he’s tempted to buy toys to try to make himself feel better. The book of Ecclesiastes Chapter 2 shows that this approach won’t bring happiness to either party.
God planned that husband and wife should be each other’s main source of contentment so they don’t need to spend money on toys. If they meet each other’s needs, they’ll have fewer financial problems.
We’ve talked about keeping emotion out of disagreements and sticking to the facts. Money is the very best place for fact-based discussion. I grew up in Japan where heating oil cost $1 per quart; I kept my apartment at 50. For three years before we married, my wife lived in a YWCA in a room over the main boiler. Her room was between 70 and 80 all winter. When we bought our first house, we encountered the usual whiplash of the wallet, but we were able to install storm windows.
I waited until we got the November heating bill and laid out a cash flow projection for her. This was before spread sheets; it’s easier now. I showed what we got after taxes. I showed all our expenses including mortgage, cars, phone, etc. I then explained that the heating bills for December through February would be at least double the November bill. We’d barely make it.
I reminded her that she wanted to buy a freezer. She didn’t want to pay interest, so we had to save the price. “If you set the thermostat at 50,” I told her, “we can afford to buy your freezer this spring. If, however, we set it at 70, we won’t be able to save the money until fall.”
She knew that a dollar spent on heat was a dollar we couldn’t spend on her freezer. She bought very heavy quilted men’s underwear, took in the waist, drank a lot of tea, and we set our thermostat at “way cool.” We bought the freezer; it served us 30 years. I found a way to give her a choice as God gives us free will.
3 years later, we scraped together airfare so I could take her with me on a business trip. She found a crystal vase she really wanted. We’d been eating in cheaper restaurants than my colleagues so I could pay for her food and mine from my daily meal allowance. This was before computers. It wasn’t worth the effort to add up all the receipts for each meal, so the company gave us a fixed sum for each day.
She knew that paying her air fare had left us in a bad position, but she wanted the vase. “If you buy groceries so we can eat in our room,” I told her, “we can save enough out of my meal allowance for your vase.” We ate a lot of tuna and the bread sometimes went stale, but we bought the vase. She still has it.
We’ve been talking about keeping emotion out of discussion and sticking to facts. There is no topic better suited to fact-based discussion than money. You know what you’ve spent, you know what came in. What’s more, you know most of the upcoming bills and most of what you expect to come in. Facts take a lot of the sting out of talking about money. Everybody has spreadsheets; there’s no excuse not to have totally factual discussions. Once all the facts are on the table, the answer is usually obvious – “No, you can’t have it.”
Belong to Each Other
God expects each husband and wife to belong to each other:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
Everyone knows this. There’s a song:
Button up your
overcoat, when the wind blows free
Take good care of yourself, you belong to me!
God created each woman to be her husband’s help meet. A woman can’t help a man unless he heeds what she says. A man would far rather give to his wife than have her take from him, and a woman would far rather give herself to her husband than have him take her. If a man belongs to his wife, it’s much easier for her to give herself to him. If she belongs to him, it’s easier for him to give to her.
If a woman belongs to a man, her happiness also belongs to him. He’ll soon find that making her happy will make him far happier than anything he does to make himself happy. If a man belongs to a woman, she will find great joy in making him happy because his happiness becomes hers.
Jesus said that spouses should not only belong to each other, they should become one:
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:7-8
The only way that two people can be “no more twain, but one,” is for each of them to die to their former individual lives and be re-born into a one-flesh married unit. This is just like salvation. The Bible teaches that sinners have to die to their former lives in order to be born again into Christ:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. For when we were in the flesh, the motions of sins, which were by the law, did work in our members to bring forth fruit unto death. But now we are delivered from the law, that being dead wherein we were held; that we should serve in newness of spirit, and not in the oldness of the letter. Romans 7:4-6 *
A man shows his wife that he belongs to her by opening his heart to her. This frightens a man as much as opening herself to a man frightens a woman, but the Bible teaches that it’s safe for him to do so:
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12
This applies to a virtuous, Godly woman. An unsaved wife may do her husband harm instead of good. There’s a saying, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.” That was Solomon’s mistake:
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon found joy with the wife of his youth. In his old age, he was bitterly disappointed in women, even though he had a thousand (I Kings 11:3[331]). Why? What went wrong? Solomon knew that marriage should have been good. He knew that marriage should have brought him great joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
Solomon knew he should have been able to rejoice in marriage, but he mourned, “a woman among all those have I not found.” Why? Why was his soul vexed and empty when he had so many women?
Men usually say, “Women are unmanageable,” few admit it was Solomon’s fault. What didn’t he know?
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
The Song, particularly 8:2-3[332], shows that she liked belonging to her husband because he was hers. If a wife doesn’t like belonging to her husband, his soul is as empty as Solomon’s soul was empty.
Solomon didn’t realize he should belong to one wife and be hers even though Deu. 17:17[333] told him not to “multiply wives” because having a lot of wives would turn him away from God. That happened to Solomon, but having so many women also made his life empty. He said, “my soul seeketh, but I find not.”
Solomon should have known that a woman must have a man like belong to her for her to enjoy belonging to him. Solomon had life and death power over his wives but they didn’t like belonging to him. A man may own a woman, he may be able to command her, but he can’t make her like it. If she doesn’t like belonging to him, he’ll miss the joy and glory God intended that she bring into his life.
The book of Proverbs warns five times that living with an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[334], 21:9[335], 19[336], 25:24[337], 27:15[338]). Opening his heart to a woman takes so much time that a man can’t possibly belong to more than one. Solomon didn’t belong to any of his wives; he had 1,000 frustrated, unhappy women under his roof. No wonder his soul was empty!
The principles of marriage relationships can be summed up in just two verses:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth. I Corinthians 10:24
A man should dedicate his life to taking care of his wife and a wife should dedicate her life to serving and taking care of her husband and children. Seeing her husband work hard to care for her and working hard to share the concerns of her heart makes a woman happy to belong to him.
In this life, there is no joy for a man which compares to having a woman like belonging to him so much that she delights in blessing his fountain. God is just – He offers men and women the same amounts of joy in marriage, but it takes different forms. A woman delights in having a man delight in taking care of her, opening his heart to her, using her skills and knowledge, and making her a permanent resident of his world.
Marriage is really as simple as a child’s song:
If you’re saved
and you know it, then your life will surely show it.
If you’re saved and you know it, pass it on – especially to your spouse!
God’s rules are very simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is as simple as salvation, its two words, “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him, that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what he hasn’t given.
Chapter 14 - Comparing Marriage and Salvation
God knew that we would have trouble with His plan of salvation. He knew we couldn’t possibly handle two pans, one for salvation and one for marriage, so He made one plan work for both. This section has many comparisons between marriage and salvation, but we should start with the basics. Gen. 1 tells us:
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Genesis 1:3
The Bible teaches that God created everything including you, your spouse, and me. There’s more:
And God said, Let there be a firmament[339]
… and it was so. Genesis 1:6
And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered … and it was so. Genesis 1:9
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass … and it was so. Genesis 1:11
And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven … and it
was so. Genesis 1:14
And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature … and it was so. Genesis 1:24
And God said, Let the waters bring forth … and God saw that
it was good. Genesis 1:20
We find “and God said, … and it was so,” over and over. The Bible teaches that if God said it’s so, it’s so. That is the foundation of Christianity – it’s built believing that if the Word of God says it, it’s so.
Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth. John 17:17
God’s word is truth. God gave us His Word so that we’d know what He expects us to believe about Him and what we’re supposed to do. Some say, “the Bible is authoritative for faith and practice.” God tells us what to believe and He tells us what to do. Let’s consider what God says about His works:
The works of the LORD are great, sought out of all them that have pleasure therein. 10The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever. Psalm 111:2, 10
God’s people should take pleasure in God’s works including the way He made men and women so that we can build God-fearing marriages and raise God-fearing children. God expects us to keep marriage vows:
And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. 14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:13-15
We should enjoy marriage. We should enjoy watching what He does for us and we should enjoy learning how He does His works. Having a proper awe and respect for God is the beginning of wisdom:
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever. Psalm 111:10
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding. Proverbs 9:10
If we have good understanding of His Holy Word, we’ll do what He commands, but it works the other way, too. If we do what God commands, we’ll get a good understanding when we look back and see how obeying His commands blessed us. Let’s look at how we’re told to approach God’s Word:
Whoso is wise, and will observe these things, even they shall understand the lovingkindness of the LORD. Psalm 107:43
God says that if you’re wise, if you’ll observe “these things,” then you’ll understand just how kind God is and how well He takes care of us. Psalm 107 says three times
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8, 15, 21
If you are wise, if you praise the Lord for His goodness, then you will understand His kindness to you.
God’s most wonderful work to the children of men, of course, is salvation. Salvation requires that we confess our sins, repent of our sins, ask Jesus to forgive our sins, and be born again. Being saved requires that we die to our former lives so that we can be married to Christ:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
In order to be born again into Christ, we must die to ourselves and be married to Christ. That is the first of God’s wonderful works. Marriage is another of God’s wonderful works. Jesus explained it:
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
Dying to our former lives of sin makes us one with Christ. As with salvation; we must die to ourselves in order to be “one flesh” in marriage. When we find people whose lives are being destroyed by sin, we give the gospel so that they can be saved and show the grace of God in their new walk with Christ. When we find marriages being destroyed by sin, we “give an answer” so these marriages can show the grace of God to the lost. There are many short ways to explain marriage so that you can help your friends build their marriages.
· Salvation and marriage are both undeserved gifts of God’s grace. Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves the blessings of marriage. A man is not worthy of his wife’s submission, obedience, or her calling him “Lord,” that’s an undeserved gift of God’s grace to him. A woman is not worthy of her husband’s giving his life to nourish and cherish her, that’s God’s undeserved gift to her.
· Salvation and marriage both show the grace of God to the lost. We’re required to “give an answer” (I Pe. 3:15[340]) when people ask why we live as we do. Our marriages are our greatest opportunity to show we’re different from the lost. When the lost see a wife giving her husband undeserved grace or a husband giving his wife undeserved grace, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves, and we get to tell them how to find it.
· When we give the gospel, we may hear, “God can’t save me, my sins are too great.” When we give the plan of marriage, we may hear, “God can’t save my marriage, it’s too far gone.” That’s pride – how can anyone think their sin or their marriage problems are greater than the God who created the universe?
· People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Salvation spend eternity in Hell. People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Marriage can create their very own Hell right here on earth. Marriage can either give a foretaste of the joys of Heaven or it can give a foretaste of the punishment of the damned in Hell.
· Once we’re saved, our love for Christ constrains us to serve Him (II Cor. 5:14[341], Eph. 2:10[342], Phi. 2:4[343]). Once we’re married, our love for each other should constrain us to serve each other (1 Pe. 5:5[344]). God wants us to serve our spouses, families, and churches; we serve God by choosing to serve each other.
· Salvation is based on a personal relationship with Christ Jesus. Marriage is based on a personal relationship between husband and wife. If your relationship with Christ is messed up, you can’t have a proper relationship with your spouse. If your relationship with Christ is based on true, saving faith, you can choose to base your relationship with your spouse on God’s formula.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
· John 3:16-17[345] gives all you must know to be saved. Genesis 24:67[346] gives all you must know for a successful marriage, but teaching helps. We labor to prepare children for good jobs but don’t teach Godly marriage. Not teaching marriage is like giving them a bicycle without any training and expecting them to ride out in traffic without getting hurt. As with salvation, “discipleship” is essential for successful marriage.
· We must keep our hearts perfect with the Lord our God as David did. David sinned, but he never worshiped any other god. Married people must keep their hearts perfect not only with God but also with each other. Couples must never worship any other god and never get involved with any other person.
· Salvation prepares us for the joys of living forever with Jesus and serving Him in Heaven. God planned marriage to give both husband and wife a foretaste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
· Once saved, we become one with Christ. Once married, husband and wife should become one flesh (Mt. 19:5-6[347], Mk. 10:8[348]). We can’t be one in Christ without dying to our former life. Husband and wife can’t become one in each other without dying to their former individual selves in favor of serving the family.
· Saved people should glorify God in all that they do; glorifying God helps us become his ambassadors (II Cor. 5:20[349]). Married people should glorify God and glorify each other together in all that they do.
· Some people give money to the church to pay God for favors. A “cheerful giver” gives to God out of love and not to get from Him. The Song of Solomon shows a husband and wife giving to each other out of love and not in hope of getting from the other. Works-based salvation is idolatry; works-based marriage is whoredom. Works-based “salvation” takes you to Hell; works-based marriage makes life Hell on earth.
· Salvation supports marriage; knowing we belong to Christ (I Co. 6:19[350]) makes it easier to belong to a spouse. If a woman belongs to Christ, it’s easier to accept God giving her to her husband (Lk. 17:27[351]). If a man knows that Christ gave His life for him, it’s easier for him to give his life for his wife (Eph. 5:25[352]).
· Marriage supports salvation. As husband and wife appreciate and praise one another and share God’s grace by forgiving each other, their marriage reminds them both to praise and appreciate God (Ps. 100).
· Rejoicing in the Lord reminds us to rejoice in marriage and vice versa (Phi 4:4[353]). Ecc. 9:9 says, “Rejoice with the wife whom thou lovest…” Joy in marriage must be shared.
· Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Satan confuses people into thinking its belief plus works or church so people miss salvation and go to Hell. Marriage is two words, “only praise,” but many people think they should change their spouses instead of letting the Holy Spirit bring change. When people usurp the Holy Spirit’s role in their marriage, they usually miss the joys of marriage and may create Hell on earth.
· Marriage doesn’t just give us companionship; we have duties to our spouses which God commands us to fulfill. Husbands must love their wives (Eph. 5:25352), wives must reverence husbands (Eph. 5:33[354]). Love and reverence are not products of emotion; they are acts of will which we decide to do.
· Jesus begins a good work in us at the point of salvation (2 Pe. 3:18[355]). He helps us grow in grace until the day He returns (Phi. 1:6[356]). Husband and wife begin a good work of growing in grace together at marriage and continue encouraging each other until death.
· Salvation doesn’t just take us to Heaven; we have work to do for Christ (2 Cor. 5:14[357]). “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them (Eph. 2:10).” Serving your family and church serves Christ in this life.
· When Jesus’ blood washes away our sins, God sees us as perfect (I Cor. 6:11[358]). Christians must follow after God (Eph. 5:1-2[359]) and see each other as perfect. Marriage prospers when a man appreciates and honors his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s good and perfect gift to him.
· The only way a man can see his sinful wife as perfect is for him to see her through the grace God gave him in saving him. The only way a wife can see her sinful husband as perfect is for her to see him through the grace God gave her. When lost people see couples giving God’s grace to each other, they want God’s grace for themselves, and we tell them how to get it. That’s how our light shines before men (Mt. 5:16[360]).
· Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;” (Mt 11:29). A bride takes upon herself the yoke of pleasing her husband (Gen. 3:16[361]). The only way to rest (Ruth. 1:9a[362]) in being sure she’ll please him is to spend time talking to him and learning of him so she knows he’ll be pleased with what she does.
· Jesus said, “for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Mt. 11:29) A man must be meek towards his wife; must lead her by serving her (Mk. 10:42-45[363], see also Mk. 9:35[364]). He must talk to her a great deal in order to understand her needs well enough to lead her for her benefit.
· Jesus said, He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it (Mt. 10:39). When we accept salvation, we lose our former lives and gain a new life in Christ. When we marry, we lose our former individual selves and gain a new life as a one-flesh married couple.
· God’s salvation covenant is forever; once saved, always saved (John 10:28[365]). God’s marriage covenant ends only at death (Rom. 7:1-3[366], the book of Ruth).
If you’re saved and relate to God as He desires, your marriage relationship works because you’ll serve God by serving each other. The relationship between husband and wife is based on their relationships to God.
And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; II Corinthians 5:18
Having been reconciled to God, we should be able to minister reconciliation to each other. If husband and wife each reconcile themselves to God and relate to God by honoring, praising, loving, and obeying Him, they’ll relate properly to each other by honoring, praising, loving and appreciating each other. Their marriage prospers, and they show the grace of salvation to the lost.
And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:15
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. II Corinthians 4:10
As lost people see Christians giving God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves. If either party messes up their relationship with God, on the other hand, their testimony is damaged and the marriage seldom works well even if they both have been taught how marriage should work.
Knowing what God says about marriage helps you heal the broken marriages you’ll encounter. God ordains joyful marriage; a damaged marriage means that someone isn’t following God.
Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: Psalm 127:1
No matter how hopeless the situation seems, God promises a way out, but we have to ask:
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10:13
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
A Glorious Wife, Without Spot or Wrinkle
This passage outlines a goal and a reward of a husband’s spiritual leadership of his wife:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
Although a man should be ready at any time to give his life to protect his wife from danger, God generally expects a man to give his life day by day to nourish and cherish her. I earn so much per hour. When we spend that much on home, children, or church, I have freely given one hour of my life to walking God’s path of service (Mk. 9:35[367], 10:44[368]) as He wants me to walk (Ro. 12:1[369]).
Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat “The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity (1 Tim. 5:2).” Girls must be taught to insist that men deal with them in purity as God commands or they will be tempted to fall into sexual sin.
Eph. 5:27 shows Christ using His Word to bring His church to Himself “a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle or any such thing.” As spiritual leader, a husband should use the Word of God to present his wife to himself as a “glorious wife not having spot or wrinkle” as taught in the Song:
Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song of Solomon 6:9a
The husband tells his wife she’s a glorious wife, without spot or wrinkle. His wife needs her friends to know he’s pleased with her; he recharges her batteries by telling everyone that she’s uniquely perfect for him.
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
We aren’t told how Isaac convinced Rebekah that he loved her, but being convinced of his love gave her the emotional energy she needed to be able to comfort him.
This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:32
“Christ and the church” was the mystery, not the relationship between man and wife. People understood marriage in apostolic times. Many Christians have forgotten the part of Holy Matrimony where the husband renews his wife’s emotional energy so that she has the strength to give comfort in time of sorrow and hold the family together during trials.
[1] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[2] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
[3] Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. Titus 2:6
[4] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[5] There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
[6] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[7] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[8] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[9] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[10] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[11] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[12] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 132
[13] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[14] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[15] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[16] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[17] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[18] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[19] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[20] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
[21] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[22] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[23] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[24] If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35b
[25] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:42-44
[26] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[27] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[28] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[29] Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant
[30] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[31] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[32] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[33] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[34] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[35] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 132
[36] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[37] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[38] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[39] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[40] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[41] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[42] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[43] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loves-evolver/202401/the-truth-about-infidelity-insights-from-94943-individuals
[44] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
[45] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[46] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[47] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[48] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[49] If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35b
[50] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:42-44
[51] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[52] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[53] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
[54] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
[55] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
[56] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[57] Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/all-about-sex/201101/attention-ladies-semen-is-antidepressant
[58] And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. Genesis 29:18
[59] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[60] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
[61] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[62] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[63] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[64] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[65] And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. Genesis 29:31
[66] Art not thou our God, who didst drive out the inhabitants of this land before thy people Israel, and gavest it to the seed of Abraham thy friend for ever? II Chronicles 20:7
[67] But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend. Isaiah 41:8
[68] The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
[69] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#thinkDifferent
[70] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[71] But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: 21Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:20-21
[72] For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: 4That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. I Thessalonians 4:3-6
[73] Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4
[74] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 35, citing W. B. Wilcox, J. R. Anderson, W. Doherty et al., “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences” (New York, Institute for American values National Marriage Project, 2011).
[75] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[76] Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: John 20:21-22
[77] This means behavior, not talk.
[78] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ConflictInMarriage
[79] But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: I Peter 3:15
[80] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[81] I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. 7So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase. 8Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour. 9For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:6-9
[82] Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our LORD: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10
[83] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[84] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
[85] Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. Titus 2:6
[86] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24
[87] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[88] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[89] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[90] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[91] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[92] So it came to pass, when the king's commandment and his decree was heard, and when many maidens were gathered together unto Shushan the palace, to the custody of Hegai, that Esther was brought also unto the king's house, to the custody of Hegai, keeper of the women. Esther 2:8
[93] And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house. II Samuel 11:4
[94] https://www.narratively.com/p/when-metoo-came-to-ancient-rome
[95] Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
[96] And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart Judges 16:18a
[97] For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself. Genesis 24:65
[98] And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. Genesis 26:7
[99] And the servant brought forth jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment, and gave them to Rebekah: he gave also to her brother and to her mother precious things. Genesis 24:53
[100] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[101] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[102] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[103] And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. 12The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:11-12
[104] So she kept fast by the maidens of Boaz to glean unto the end of barley harvest and of wheat harvest; and dwelt with her mother in law. Ruth 2:23
[105] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[106] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. Genesis 2:15
[107] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[108] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[109] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[110] Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, 17th series, pages not numbered. Ripley also reported a Scottish town where a would-be groom had to prove his desire by risking his life balancing on one foot on the edge of a windswept cliff for 30 seconds as her father looked on.
[111] https://www.history.com/news/chivalry-knights-middle-ages
[112] Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: 28Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
[113] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[114] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#thinkDifferent
[115] In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1
[116] I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name. Psalm 138:2
[117] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[118] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[119] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[120] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 36
[121] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[122] As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
[123] For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
[124] For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
[125] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[126] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[127] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[128] This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
[129] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Mark 7:6
[130] A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
[131] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[132] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[133] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[134] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[135] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[136] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[137] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[138] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[139] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[140] That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; I Thessalonians 4:4
[141] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[142] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[143] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[144] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[145] If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. Exodus 21:10
[146] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; Genesis 5:3a
[147] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[148] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2013/10/why-johnny-lingo-paid-eight-cows-for.html
[149] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[150] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[151] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[152] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ConflictInMarriage
[153] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. 16And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. 18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help[153] meet for him. Genesis 2:15-18
[154] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. Genesis 3:3
[155] And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. I Timothy 2:14
[156] For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Romans 5:19
[157] And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, 11And be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. 15And he said unto the people, Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives. Exodus 19:10-11, 15
[158] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. 13And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12-13
[159] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/wedding-wisdom-simplicity-of-marriage.html#fallFault
[160] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[161] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:15
[162] But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. Genesis 2:6
[163] And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:25
[164] And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: Genesis 3:2
[165] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[166] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[167] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[168] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
[169] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23
[170] And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. Genesis 3:20
[171] And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. Genesis 3:6
[172] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[173] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[174] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[175] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[176] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[177] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
[178]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[179] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:9
[180] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[181] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[182] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[183] Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1
[184] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[185] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[186] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[187] And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: Luke 20:34
[188] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[189] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[190] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[191] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[192] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[193] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[194] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[195] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[196] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[197] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[198] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: Psalm 68:6a
[199] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[200] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[201] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[202] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[203] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
[204] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
[205] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[206] Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
[207] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[208] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[209] And they came in, and possessed it; but they obeyed not thy voice, neither walked in thy law; they have done nothing of all that thou commandedst them to do: therefore thou hast caused all this evil to come upon them: Jeremiah 32:23
[210] To fulfil the word of the LORD by the mouth of Jeremiah, until the land had enjoyed her sabbaths: for as long as she lay desolate she kept sabbath, to fulfil threescore and ten years. II Chronicles 36:21
[211] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[212] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[213] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[214] Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings. Proverbs 31:3
[215] It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink: 5Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted. Proverbs 31:4-5
[216] Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. 7Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. Proverbs 31:6-7
[217] Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction. 9Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9
[218] She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:12
[219] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Proverbs 31:11
[220]A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
[221] She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
[222] There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
[223] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28
[224] Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:29
[225] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
[226] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[227] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[228] And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; II Timothy 2:24-25
[229] (Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.) Numbers 12:3
[230] Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Proverbs 22:24
[231] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[232] An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression. Proverbs 29:22
[233] Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Philippians 2:3
[234] Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Proverbs 22:24
[235] Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30
[236] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[237] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[238] There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
[239] A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1
[240] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[241] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4 especially his wife’s!
[242] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[243] And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:40
[244] Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. Matthew 25:45
[245] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[246] Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer. 11Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come. I Corinthians 10:10-11
[247] She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. Proverbs 31:18
[248] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[249] Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
[250] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
[251] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[252] Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:27
[253] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[254] And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
[255] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[256] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#sureHeOpensHisHeart
[257] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#sureHeGivesHerRest
[258] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 19
[259] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 128 citing D. H. Hoskins, “Consequences of Parenting on Adolescent Outcomes,” Societies 4 No. 3 (2014) : 506-31
[260] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 121
[261] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 120
[262] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[263] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37 quoting I. Schneiderman, O. Zagoory-Sharon, J. F. Leckman, and R. Feldman, “Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity,” Psychoneuroendocrinology 37 no 8 (Aug 2012): 1277-85
[264] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[265] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[266] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[267] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[268] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ConflictInMarriage
[269] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 35, citing W. B. Wilcox, J. R. Anderson, W. Doherty et al., “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences” (New York, Institute for American values National Marriage Project, 2011).
[270] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 132
[271] Fisher, Anatomy of Love, p 21-23
[272] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[273] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[274] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 33
[275] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[276] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[277] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[278] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 36
[279] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[280] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 108
[281] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[282] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[283] Fisher, Anatomy of Love, p 21-23
[284] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[285] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[286] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Fisher, Anatomy of Love, PP 151-152
[287] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 65 quoting L. M. Diamond and J. A. Nickerson, “The Neuroimaging of Love and Desire: Review and Future Directions,” Clinical Neuropsychiatry 9, no. 1 (2012): pp 36-46
[288] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 62 quoting Regnerus and Uecker, premarital Sex in America, p 106
[289] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 pp 34-35
[290] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[291] And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. Genesis 3:20
[292] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23
[293] And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. Genesis 3:20
[294] There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
[295] This is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen (https://a.co/d/0SiJvt1) who found that men want to solve problems; women want to know that they’ve been understood. She also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant” (https://a.co/d/fPtIrOQ)
[296] https://towardsdatascience.com/can-we-let-algorithm-take-decisions-we-cannot-explain-a4e8e51e2060
[297] A woman posted a note, “After years of marriage, I realized that when my husband talks, he means exactly what the words mean, nothing less and nothing more. That makes it very hard for him to understand what I’m saying.”
[298] And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
[299] And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
[300] Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. Matthew 22:37
[301] And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
[302] And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
[303] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[304] A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13
[305] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[306] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[307] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[308] A person who was deliberately abused as a child or in an earlier relationship may have a hard time believing in good faith. In such cases, we can’t forgive in our own strength, we must ask God for strength to forgive, page 88, and urge the offender to seek God’s forgiveness. Jesus Forgives More Than We Can Understand on page 6 shows how He forgave His disciples when they went fishing instead of starting His church. He will forgive anyone who chooses to believe in Him and asks for His help.
[309] Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
[310] And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. 12The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:11-12
[311] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[312] “Can Scientific Relationship Advice Save Your Marriage?” New York Times, Feb. 9, 2015, http://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/09/can-scientific-relationship-advice-save-your-marriage/?_r=0
[313] Time Magazine, March 13, 2017, p 23
[314] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[315] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[316] And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
[317] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 5:1-2
[318] Since Adam’s sin brought sin into the world, some people abuse their spouses and children, causing emotional or physical hurt deliberately. Abuse situations are very difficult to cure unless the abuser accepts the forgiveness of Christ and repents. The Apostle Peter advised that abusers may be won “without the word” by seeing forgiveness and love (1 Peter 3:1-2).
[319] Behold, every one that useth proverbs shall use this proverb against thee, saying, As is the mother, so is her daughter. Ezekiel 16:44
[320] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[321] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
[322] This research is explained in “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen who found that men want to solve problems whereas women seek affirmation that they’ve been understood. She also wrote “That’s Not What I Meant”
[323] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
[324] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[325] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[326] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[327] The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
[328] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[329] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[330] But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. I Timothy 5:8
[331] And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart. I Kings 11:3
[332] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
[333] Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold. Deuteronomy 17:17
[334] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[335] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[336] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[337] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[338] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[339] The region of the air; the sky or heavens; the great arch or expanse over our heads, in which are placed the atmosphere and the clouds
[340] But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: I Peter 3:15
[341] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[342] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
[343] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[344] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:
[345] For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. John 3:16-17
[346] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[347]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[348] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[349] Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. II Corinthians 5:20
[350] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[351] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[352] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
[353] Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. Philippians 4:4
[354] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[355] But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen. II Peter 3:18
[356] Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1:6
[357] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[358] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[359] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 5:1-2
[360] Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:16
[361] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[362] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[363] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[364] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[365] And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. John 10:28
[366] Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. Romans 7:1-3
[367] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[368] And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:44
[369] I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. Romans 12:1
posted by Bill Taylor at 4:52 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home