Wedding Wisdom - The Simplicity of Marriage

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The foundation of joyful Holy Matrimony is both parties being convinced in their bones that God is good.

Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!  Psalm 107:8, 15, 21, 31

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22

The man must believe that everything about his wife that irritates him is from God to bless him.  His wife must believe that everything about him that drives her crazy is from God to bless her.  If you can’t see how your spouse blesses you, that’s your problem, not God’s.  It may take years of praying for wisdom to see how you’re blessed, but the way God made men and women blesses both.

The Origin of Marriage

God made both salvation and marriage.  If you try to get to Heaven your own way instead of God’s way, you go to Hell when you die.  If you try your own way of marriage instead of God’s way, you can make life Hell on earth.  Your relationship with each other is based on your relationship to God, so let’s think about salvation.

Jesus told Nicodemus, “Ye must be born again (John 3:7).”  You must die to your sins in order to be born again (Acts 17:30, 20:21).

Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.  Romans 7:4

Jesus expects you to die to your former lives and be born again into marriage with Him so you can bring fruit to God.  Revelation 19:9 speaks of “the marriage supper of the Lamb” where His bride, the church, is united in marriage with Jesus in Heaven forever.

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:  Exodus 34:14

For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.  II Corinthians 11:2

The Bible uses the same words for marriage between bride and groom and for marriage between God and His people.  God expects you to be faithful to Him and to your spouse.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten[1] Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. ¹⁷For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.  John 3:16-17

God loved you so much that He gave His Son into the world to live a perfect life.  He became the perfect sacrifice to pay the penalty for your sins, and my sins, and for all the sins of anyone who ever lived.

Love isn’t real until it’s given away.  He gave His love and His life.

And almost all things are by the law purged[2] with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission[3].  Hebrews 9:22

As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions[4] from us.  Psalm 103:12

There is therefore now no condemnation[5] to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.  Romans 8:1

And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified[6], but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:11

Jesus loved you enough to shed His blood in the terribly painful death of the cross so that His blood could wash all your sins far away from you and purge condemnation from you and wash away your sins.

That much love is hard to understand:

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?  Psalm 8:4

God knew we would have trouble taking hold of His love.  He carefully made women so that a God-fearing wife shows a picture of His everlasting, unconditional love.

Before modern medicine, a woman had a 98.5% chance of surviving a pregnancy, but without birth control, women had so many babies that 1 woman in 8 died in childbirth.  Every girl knew she would walk the valley of the shadow of death for every child, but women wanted children anyway.

Revelation 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.”  Jesus knew before He created the world that Adam’s sin would mean that He would have to die.  His blood is the only way to have your sins washed away so He can give you eternal life.  Knowing He would have to die, He loved all of us enough to create us anyway.

We love him, because he first loved us.  I John 4:19

But God commendeth[7] his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8

For the life of the flesh is in the blood:  Leviticus 17:11a

Your mother loved you before she felt you move inside her.  She shed her blood giving you life.  Have you thanked your mother for risking her life for you?  Have you thanked her for changing your diapers?  You’d have died if she hadn’t done that.  Have you thanked Jesus for giving up His life so that His blood could clean you and give you eternal life?  You’d be going to Hell if He hadn’t done that.

Salvation Is So Simple Anyone Can Understand It

For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.  Romans 10:13

God gives His free gift of salvation to anyone who asks in faith.

He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.  John 3:18

Note the fate of “he that believeth not.”

Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing.  Psalm 100:2

Paul, a servant of God, and an apostle of Jesus Christ, according to the faith of God's elect, and the acknowledging of the truth which is after godliness;  Titus 1:1

Accepting salvation makes you servants of God.

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?  I Corinthians 6:19

God gives you the gift of the Holy Spirit upon salvation.  You no longer belong to yourselves, you belong to God.  When you enter Holy[8] Matrimony by giving up your former individual lives and belonging to each other as God expects, you and your family can enjoy a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.

My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.  John 10:29

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ³⁶As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. ³⁷Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. ³⁸For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, ³⁹Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:35-39

Salvation is forever – nothing can separate you from God’s love.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.[9]  Matthew 19:6

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Mark 10:9

Marriage lasts ‘til death do you part - nothing can end it but death.

For the love of Christ constraineth[10] us;  II Corinthians 5:14a

We obey God and serve Him because our love for Him constrains what we do and makes us want to please Him.

We love him, because he first loved us.  I John 4:19

But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: ³³But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. ³⁴There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:32-34

For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.  Galatians 5:13

Your love for each other makes you want to serve each other.  Your love for God makes you want to serve Him.  He expects you to serve Him by serving each other, your family, and your church.

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:  Philippians 1:6

God begins a good work in you by giving you the Holy Spirit.

For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building.  I Corinthians 3:9

The harder you strive[11] with all your heart and mind and strength to labor together with God to do His will, the better He can continue His work of drawing you closer to Him and to His Son through the Holy Spirit for the rest of your lives.  That draws you closer to each other.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained[12] that we should walk in them.  Ephesians 2:10

The “good works” of marriage are easy to understand but take a lifetime of work.  God sets high standards.  He expects you to love Him and to love each other as you love Him.  God expects you to serve Him and to serve Him by serving each other with one heart and mind.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 19:6

And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.  Mark 10:8

Bride and groom become one by giving up individual desires in favor of their new family.  This is marriage done as God requires.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, ¹⁴I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:13-14

Once Paul confessed and repented of a sin, he didn’t dwell on it.  Forgetting the past let him look forward so he could spend his life pressing for the “high calling” of working toward the mark God set for him.  You must confess your sins, forget past mistakes, and spend the rest of your lives pressing toward the mark God sets for you.

Marriage will be a central and highly visible part of your walk.  Any Bible principles which help you “walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8)” will strengthen your marriage.

Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.  Philippians 2:12

You will work together to help each other work out your salvation.

Drawing closer to God draws you closer to each other.  You’ll work out your marriage as you mature, grow, and learn.  The Bible teaches many ways to make you a better employee, leader, or follower.  It helps you get along better with other people.  Improvement in any of these areas of your Christian walk makes your marriage better.

The better you relate to God, the better you’ll relate to each other and the stronger your testimony will be.  Always remember that the Bible uses “marriage” to describe the bonds between Christ and His Church whom we represent (Rom. 7:4).

Love God by loving your spouse; serve God by serving your spouse is simple to say, but “simple” doesn’t mean “easy.”  It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there – but not easy.  Marriage is a lifetime journey of growth, grace, and learning, not a short stroll across a continent.  Strive to follow Paul who could honestly say:

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:  II Timothy 4:7

This booklet explores the high calling God sets for your marriage so you can press toward His mark and glorify Him together all your days.

The Walk of Salvation

Salvation made you a servant of God.  You belong permanently to God; serve Him out of love, and walk in good works as Jesus taught.

Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day.  I Kings 8:61

But the high places were not removed: nevertheless Asa's heart was perfect with the LORD all his days.  I Kings 15:14

For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.  II Chronicles 16:9

Accepting God’s gift of saving you means that you must strive to serve God with perfect hearts as others have done before you.  God shows Himself strong on behalf of you when you do that.

Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;  Romans 12:10

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.  Ephesians 5:21

Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.  I Peter 5:5

God expects each of you to serve Him with perfect hearts by humbly serving each other, your family, and your church.

For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him: ¹⁷And he is before all things, and by him all things consist.  Colossians 1:16-17

Having spoken the world into existence, Jesus’ power keeps it all moving in an orderly manner.  That includes the universe, the solar system, the earth where we live, and every breath of your body.  Serving God means putting Christ first and giving Him mastery of your life by involving Him in your decisions through prayer, Bible reading, seeking the Holy Spirit’s guidance, and seeking counsel.

The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.  Psalm 37:23

The LORD can’t order your steps unless you yield your life to Him and seek His counsel in all that you do as you seek to serve Him.

Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.  Matthew 20:28

And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.  Mark 2:4

And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  Mark 10:44

If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, ²Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. ³Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. ⁴Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. ⁵Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: ⁶Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: ⁷But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: ⁸And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.  Philippians 2:1-8

Serving Him by humbling yourself to serve your spouse and family is your perfect calling when you enter Holy Matrimony.  Keep your eyes on serving your perfect God as you serve your imperfect family.

As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.  Psalm 103:12

I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.  Isaiah 43:25

And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.  Hebrews 10:17

God forgives completely; He forgets your sins!  The Bible tells you to forgive each other as God forgives.

How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?  Hebrews 9:14

Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, ²⁰By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; ²¹And having an high priest over the house of God; ²²Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water.  Hebrews 10:19-22

When God washes away your sins, He sees what’s left as perfect.

Ephesians 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.”  God sees you as perfect.  You must follow God and work hard to see your imperfect spouse as perfect even though nobody deserves grace.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17

Men marry, women are given in marriage.  Marriage prospers if the husband treats his wife and serves his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s good and perfect gift to him.

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.  Song 4:7

My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song 6:9

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:  Ephesians 5:29

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. ³³Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:22, 33

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.  Colossians 3:18

He must serve, love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her as perfect.  She’s to serve him and submit to him in reverence even though neither of you deserve the other!  Marriage is a gift of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, ²³Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.  Galatians 5:22-23

God’s Plan of Salvation offers you the Fruits of the Spirit in this life and prepares you to spend eternity with Him in Heaven.  Following God’s Plan of Marriage gives your entire family a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.

If lost people see you sharing the Fruit of the Spirit they'll want God's grace for themselves.  You can tell them how to ask for God’s grace and forgiveness, but they must want it and ask God for it.  You can’t want it for them more than they want it for themselves.

You both must want to share the Fruit of the Spirit in your marriage with one perfect heart.  Your spouse is the only person on earth whom you must serve without limit and must never criticize.

Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.

Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.  But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh.  Job 2:9

Job’s wife had lost her seven sons and her husband had lost all his money – she’d had a bad week.  He said she spoke “like a foolish woman” in a way that implied she wasn’t usually foolish.  He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her.  Every wife knows the difference.

But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:  Ephesians 4:15

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Proverbs 12:18

Love God with Perfect Hearts

The command to “love the Lord thy God” appears 14 times!

And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.  Deuteronomy 6:5

Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway.  Deuteronomy 11:1

And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul, ¹⁴That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil.  Deuteronomy 11:13-14

For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him;  Deuteronomy 11:22

Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.  Deuteronomy 13:3

If thou shalt keep all these commandments to do them, which I command thee this day, to love the LORD thy God, and to walk ever in his ways; then shalt thou add three cities more for thee, beside these three:  Deuteronomy 19:9

And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live.  Deuteronomy 30:6

In that I command thee this day to love the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest live and multiply: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in the land whither thou goest to possess it.  Deuteronomy 30:16

That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.  Deuteronomy 30:20

But take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.  Joshua 22:5

Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the LORD your God.  Joshua 23:11

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  Matthew 22:37

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.  Mark 12:30

And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.  Luke 10:27

How can God bless you if you don’t love Him?

For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the LORD his God, as was the heart of David his father.  I Kings 11:4

David had a perfect heart with the Lord his God.  David sinned but he loved God and never turned from worshiping God toward worshiping anything else. He didn’t strive for money, or power, or get involved in amusements as modern sports fans do.  His faithfulness and repentance kept his heart perfect with God.

God expects you to keep your hearts perfect toward Him and toward each other.  Your marriage is damaged if either party has sex with anyone else just as our relationship to God is damaged if we value anyone or anything more than we value God.  You must not let your hearts stray toward anyone else or toward anything else.

I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?  Job 31:1

Flee fornication[13]. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.  I Corinthians 6:18

Men must flee the temptation even to look at other women.  Knowing that your spouse has eyes only for you helps you find rest.

The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband.  Ruth 1:9a

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.  Philippians 4:11

But godliness with contentment is great gain.  I Timothy 6:6

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.  Hebrews 13:5

If you love God more than you love your spouse, you will let God shape you to be the best possible spouse you can be (Heb. 12:6-8^[14]).  That makes your spouse happy which makes you both happy.  Your joyful marriage shows Christ to a lost and dying world.

As David was confident in God and rested in what God gave him, you must rest contentedly in each other and in what God gives you. 

God Expects Perfect Hearts from His People

Groups of God’s people should have hearts as perfect as David’s:

All these men of war, that could keep rank, came with a perfect heart to Hebron, to make David king over all Israel: and all the rest also of Israel were of one heart to make David king.  I Chronicles 12:38

The people agreed with one perfect heart that they wanted David as their king.  Bride and groom must approach the marriage altar with one perfect heart in wanting to build a God-fearing family.

God expects us to relate to Him with perfect hearts and never go after other gods such as money, power, sports, hobbies, or idols that we value above God.  You must both have perfect hearts toward God, and you must have perfect hearts toward each other.

But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.  Deuteronomy 4:29

God graciously gives salvation to those who earnestly seek Him.  God graciously gives the blessings of marriage to couples who seek Him and enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart.

And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.  II Samuel 11:27

David’s heart was perfect with the Lord his God in that he never worshipped anything else, but he committed adultery with Bathsheba and murdered her husband Uriah the Hittite so that he could have her.

Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.  Psalm 51:12

His conscience bothered him so much that he wrote Psalm 51 in the agony of knowing that his sin had damaged his walk with God.

In spite of the pain of his conscience and of losing joy in salvation, David did not confess his sin on his own.  God sent Nathan the prophet to remind him, saying, “thou art the man (2 Sam. 12:7).”

And David said unto Nathan, I have sinned against the LORD. And Nathan said unto David, The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die.  II Samuel 12:13

After he confessed, God restored David’s joy in salvation after he had restored his relationship with God through sincere repentance.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  I John 1:9

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.  James 5:16

Don’t be as stubborn as David!  Be prepared to confess to one another and to forgive one another to restore your joy in marriage:

It’s hard enough to confess your sins to God, it’s harder to confess to your spouse or to your children, but that’s the only way to keep your hearts perfect toward each other and toward your family.  Marriage starts with “I do” but it runs on “I’m sorry.”

A woman convinces her husband that her heart is perfect toward him by speaking kindly, showing respect by calling him “sir” as the spirit moves her, opening herself to him whenever he is able to take her, encouraging him when he hasn’t asked, and thanking him for his seed from time to time.  The hormones and emotions God gave her make opening herself to him very frightening.

Any interest – sports, a hobby, friends, pornography – which she sees as a rival makes his heart seem not perfect toward her and she will be afraid to open herself.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.  I John 4:18

Her heart can’t be perfect toward him if she fears him.

Opening his heart to her frightens him, but if he opens his heart to her as sincerely, as deeply, as widely, as patiently, as attentively, as often, as thankfully, and as gladly as he expects her to open herself to him, he will convince her that his heart is perfect toward her.

God gave women sensitive emotions to help them bond with husbands and children and to think of ways to serve and please them, but her sensitivity makes disapproval or criticism very painful.  She won’t be able to love her husband as much as she wants to love him if he hurts her with his words or in any other way.

If, on the other hand, he praises and appreciates her as taught in the Song of Solomon so that she’s convinced that his heart belongs to her, she will welcome his joy as she gives herself gladly to him.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  Proverbs 31:11

Courtship shows whether you trust each other enough to open your hearts by sharing and comparing goals, dreams, hurts, and joys.

Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.  I Peter 3:6

He learns whether she respects him enough that the spirit moves her to call him “Sir” from time to time in spite of his mistakes.

She learns whether he values her as a complete and complex person with different skills, whether he seeks out her knowledge to fit into what he already knows, and whether he’ll help her develop her gifts and encourage her spiritual growth.

If you appreciate each other, if you’re grateful to God for ordaining marriage and bringing you two together, lost people will see this.  Romans 7:4 used “marriage” to describe the relationship between God and His people.  This is appropriate because a harmonious marriage shows the goodness and grace of God as He blesses you.

Others may ask how you found such joy.  This gives you a chance to talk about the God you serve.  If lost people see that you can’t handle this life any better than they can, why would they care what you say about the life to come?

Loving Others

God commanded His people to love one another 10 times:

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  John 13:34

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.  John 15:12

These things I command you, that ye love one another.  John 15:17

Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.  Romans 13:8

But as touching brotherly love ye need not that I write unto you: for ye yourselves are taught of God to love one another.  I Thessalonians 4:9

For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.  I John 3:11

And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment.  I John 3:23

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.  I John 4:7

Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. ¹²No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.  I John 4:11-12

And now I beseech thee, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another.  II John 1:5

There will be times when you’re tired, frustrated, thoughtless, or impatient.  There will be times when you don’t see how God could possibly love your spouse, but He does.

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.  Galatians 3:28

God loves men and women equally.  He loved you enough to die for you.  If you believe that He loved both of you that much, you must believe that He loved you enough to carefully design men and women with differences to help you combine your gifts and work together to create a family where your children can grow up to serve Him.

Have an Attitude of Gratitude

Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; ⁴⁸Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee.  Deuteronomy 28:47-48

Moses warned the Jews to give thanks for everything God gave.  God’s people weren’t thankful so He took everything away.  They were in want of “all things.”  We often take His gifts for granted.  “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.”  Adopt an Attitude of Gratitude!

Many men complain that women are too emotional and talkative.  If it weren’t for the emotional mating drive God put into women, they wouldn’t want to be with men at all.  Women are driven to talk about caring for home, husband, and children.  This is a good thing.

Women complain that men are too possessive.  If God hadn’t made men possessive, why would men take any responsibility for women?  If a wife encourages her husband’s possessiveness, he’ll be more inclined to take care of her and their children as God desires.

Complaining instead of being grateful cost the Jews God’s blessing.  Complaining instead of thanking and praising makes your spouse unhappy and costs you the blessing God intended for marriage.

If you are truly grateful to God for giving you life, salvation, and marriage, you will see that the way He made men and women was designed to bless both of you.  If you can’t see how something about your spouse blesses you, that’s your problem, not God’s.

And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.  Colossians 3:17

By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name.  Hebrews 13:15

Assume God knew what He was doing and pray for wisdom.  We didn’t understand the benefits of some of my wife’s characteristics until our kids were teenagers!  Have an Attitude of Gratitude!

Being grateful is vital within marriage because the mating urges God built into men and women are powerful and make you very important to each other.  Being appreciated helps you live longer:

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.  Proverbs 17:22

Not feeling appreciated, or feeling disliked or unappreciated, breaks your spirit, dries your bones, damages your health, and shortens your life.  You both need an Attitude of Gratitude!

Watch your Tongue!

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Proverbs 12:18

And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, ²⁵In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;  II Timothy 2:24-25

Hurling angry words is the simplest way to lose the joy of marriage.  Marriage can frighten a man and losing independence by opening her body can frighten a woman.  Anger is especially damaging early in marriage before trust has built enough to put away fear.

You may feel anger from time to time, but there is no place in the Christian walk for speaking like a piercing sword.

Your marriage based on hearts being perfect with God and with each other is powerful testimony, so Satan and Satan’s followers will try to damage your trust in each other.  When you are tempted to say something unhealthful, walk away!  It’s better to leave than to pierce your spouse’s heart, but yell out “I’ll be back when I calm down!”

A newlywed couple was in an argument that was getting hot.  The bride was losing her temper, so she grabbed the keys and drove off.  She forgot to promise to come back.  Her groom thought she’d left for good and that his marriage was over.  He was greatly hurt.

She came back but he never got over his fear that she’d leave.  Fear brought torment (I John 4:18) and made it hard for him to trust her.  You must have an agreement in place that if either of you has to flee, whomever leaves will come back in 24 hours at the most.

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28

Teach your children never to hurl angry words or ever to attack each other physically no matter what.  They should know how to rule their spirits by age 2 or by age 3 at the latest and to seek forgiveness if they lose it.  They can’t back down on spiritual matters:

ye should earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints.  Jude 1:3b

But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: ¹⁶From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.  Ephesians 4:15-16

Solomon Didn’t Understand Marriage

Marriage is as simple as salvation but many miss the joy God planned.

Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28

Solomon, the wisest man ever, counted carefully and couldn’t find one good wife!  This was his fault.  The Bible says four times that opening herself to a man humbles a woman.  A woman will gladly pay the cost of belonging to a man if she’s convinced that he belongs to her and values her as an entire person.  Belonging to a man who won’t open his heart enough to belong to her makes a woman unhappy.

Opening his heart takes so many hours of talk where he says half the words and speaks openly about topics which are important to him that no man can belong to more than one woman at a time.

Having a man choose to belong to her makes a woman happy.  Solomon couldn’t find even one happy woman out of 1,000.  How many seconds of talk per day did each of his 1,000 women receive?  Everything he did was chasing after wind because he did it for himself.

I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards:  Ecclesiastes 2:4

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity[15], which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.  Ecclesiastes 9:9

Solomon wrote that the only way a man can find joy is by enjoying his wife all his days.  A husband’s work is not vanity when he supports his one wife, their children, and their church.

Men, the Bible teaches that in Christ, your work and your one wife are all that there is to life.  There is no joy this side of Heaven for you that compares with having a woman like belonging to you.

When my wife chose to belong to me, I found that making her happy makes me happier than anything I can do for myself.  If you want to live joyfully with your wife, you must give her reasons to rejoice.  She can’t make you any happier than you make her.

The Marriage Arch – Seed and Speech

The wife seeking out and eagerly receiving her husband’s seed and the husband seeking, receiving, and acting on his wife’s speech by honoring her views are the two sides of the marriage arch.  A wife communicates heart to heart, a husband belly to belly.  Frequent and earnest communication keeps your hearts perfect with each other and builds the marriage arch.  If either side fails, the arch crumbles.

A woman may guide a man’s house without marrying him, we have housemaids.  It’s OK for a woman to raise a man’s children without marrying; there are nannies and teachers, most of whom are women.

A woman can feed a man without marriage, we have cooks.  She can work with or for a man.  A man and woman may do many things together, but there’s one thing God says they must not have sex outside marriage.  The marriage relationship is damaged if either party has sex with anyone else just as our relationship to God is damaged if we value anyone or anything else more than we value God.

Older women used to teach younger women that a man would marry if he wanted her badly and marriage was the only way to have her.  Women used to defend virtue by saying, “Not unless we’re married and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.”

A public promise came before sex when Isaac and Boaz married.

So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife:  Ruth 4:13a See also Genesis 24:67

Sex defines marriage in the eyes of God.

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; ²⁹Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.  Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Moses’ law said that sex made a marriage even without a vow.

Speech is equally important.  Women share emotional intimacies as they bear one another’s burdens in dealing with husbands, children, houses, and other women but the Bible teaches men not to share emotional intimacies outside of their own marriages.

The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.  I Timothy 5:2

Galatians 3:28 teaches that there is neither male nor female in Christ.  It’s all right for men and women to talk to each other as long as they talk in purity.  As a man is tempted to offer his seed to another woman if his wife doesn’t want it, a woman is tempted to share her emotions with another man if her husband doesn’t want to hear about them.  Emotional adultery often leads to physical adultery.

This is dangerous at work where you must please the boss to keep your job.  How often have we seen women please male bosses or men please women bosses a little too much and end up in adultery?

How a Man Protects His Wife

A man must protect his wife from the moment they meet until one of them dies.  Men want sex pretty much all the time.  Women aren’t as focused on sex unless they’re fertile, which can be as little as an hour a month.  When she is fertile, a man’s slightest touch can get her burning with desire, particularly if she’s thinking of marrying him.

On our second date, the Holy Spirit led my future wife to remind me that I was responsible for her purity by telling me she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night.  She’d been asking God to protect her for years, now she asked me to join God in protecting her.

We had no idea how important purity is, but we found out why God had her tell me that.  My desire for her had built since we met, purity was important and I played things very cool for weeks.

She was upset because I was so aloof.  Our wedding was near when she would commit her life to me.  She wanted to know I loved her and wanted her badly enough to stay with her.  She said, “You’re acting so cold and aloof, I’m not sure you really want me!”

She didn’t know I wanted her!  I put my arms around her and kissed her thoroughly, I put a burning kiss on her upturned face.

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. ²Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  I Corinthians 7:1-2

I didn’t know I could trigger her desires.  We’d missed Paul’s warning!  The Greek word translated “touch” carries the meaning of kindling her, arousing her, or setting her on fire.  I had crossed God’s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness.

She relaxed a few seconds, then struggled, then went limp.  I finished kissing and looked at her.  She was stunned.  She was panting lightly; her face was flushed.  I picked up her hand and it flopped down to her side, she was limp.  My kiss had set her off, her hormones were in charge, and she was mine for the taking.

That kiss also worked on me, I was no longer cool or aloof, I wanted her as badly as she wanted me to take her.  I backed her up into a chair, I found another chair, and sat down to get my breath.

After a few minutes, she said, “Wow, you really do want me!”  I said, “Yeah, but we better get out of here,” and we got.  We were never, ever alone again until after our wedding.

She told me what happened.  She said, “I felt a falling sensation, that’s when I struggled, then I was lost.  You could’ve done anything you wanted with me, and I couldn’t have done anything about it.  I couldn’t yell, I couldn’t struggle, I was yours.”

Date rape happens when a man rubs her or kisses her at the wrong time, and she’s his.  Being taken by a man can frighten a woman.  She has a feeling of belonging to him but he’s not committed to her.  She knows in her bones that he shouldn’t have taken her and she knows he failed to protect her from his passions and from hers.

He knows he’s done wrong but may imitate Adam by blaming her, thinking “She wanted it.”  Blaming her for tempting him and her blaming him for failing to protect her is not a good way to start a marriage.  How can she follow if she can’t trust him to protect her?

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.  James 5:16

This sin damages trust enough that it is very difficult for a couple’s hearts to be perfect with each other.  Recognizing the seriousness of the sin, repenting, and confessing it not only to each other but to parents and others who know about it is the path to healing, but far too many men are too proud to admit their responsibility for the sin.

The reward of being trusted is great.  Before my wife had become accustomed to making love, she was sometimes nervous about having enough lubrication.  I told her that if she said it hurt, I would stop.  She trusted me, so we could proceed.

When it hurt, I stopped.  It’s foolish to teach his wife that he doesn’t care about hurting her when he’s in the heat of passion.

A wife who’s pregnant or on the pill won’t ever be fertile.  Although she can have sex, she generally won’t be nearly as interested as when she’s fertile.  Giving herself when she isn’t interested and would rather do something else is what “submit” means.

Whose Fault Was the Fall?

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. ¹⁶And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: ¹⁷But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. ¹⁸And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help[16] meet for him.  Genesis 2:15-18

Adam was created to be in charge of caring for the garden and to “keep it” which means to protect it.  Eve was formed to help him.

But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.  Genesis 3:3

Eve wasn’t formed when God commanded Adam not to eat the fruit.  Who added “don’t touch” to what God said?  Most men blame Eve for adding to what Adam told her even though a) the Bible doesn’t say and b) Heb. 12:20 repeats what God told Moses.  Moses added to what God said in Exodus 19:10-15.  Did Adam add to what God said?

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.  Genesis 3:6

Adam was not deceived (1 Tim. 2:14), he heard what Satan said and was there with her the whole time.  Why didn’t he tell her not to talk to the serpent, correct her misquoting God, or tell her not to eat the fruit?  It was, after all, his responsibility to keep her.

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. ¹³And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.  Genesis 3:12-13

Instead of confessing his sin and asking forgiveness, Adam blamed Eve.  She followed his example and blamed the serpent.  To this day, many men blame women for just about everything that goes wrong.

Love, Forgiveness, and Appreciation in Your Marriage Testimony

For the love of Christ constraineth us;  II Corinthians 5:14a

You do the work of spreading the Gospel because your love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes you do it.  You serve Him because your love for Him makes you want to please Him.

But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.  Matthew 6:15

But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.  Mark 11:26

Love for each other constrains you to serve your family and try to please them.  God forgives you completely, and He expects you to forgive others in the same complete way He forgave you.

The best way to draw closer to each other is to draw closer to God by studying and discussing His Word together.  Husband and wife may find surprisingly different lessons in the same passage.

My wife saw the story of David and Goliath as a story in family relationships.  David’s older brother, who saw Samuel anoint David to be King, criticized David for leaving the sheep to watch the battle:

And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle.  I Samuel 17:28

Why would Eliab trash his younger brother whom Samuel had anointed to be king (1 Sam. 16:1-13)?

The Bible lists many needs a woman expects her husband to meet.  Exploring these verses together enriches your understanding of the Word of God and of each other.  It helps a man understand his wife’s view of his role in her life and helps her understand him.  Start here:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.  Genesis 24:67

·        Isaac supplied the tent.  A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical.

·        She became his wife instead of his concubine because they had made public marriage vows before he took her.

·        Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted.  God made every wife to comfort her husband, but she must first be convinced that he loves her.  This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation as taught in the Song of Solomon.

My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.  I John 3:18

Little acts of love help convince her that you love her.  Always rinse the sink after brushing your teeth so the goo doesn’t harden and become hard to clean.  Always put the toilet seat down after using it.

Provision – God isn’t the only one who appreciates cheerful giving.

Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?  Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?  If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?  Matthew 7:8-11

Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.  II Corinthians 9:7

As God expects you to give cheerfully to your church; your wife expects you to cheerfully, generously, and gladly provide food, clothing, and shelter for her and for her children.

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee.  Proverbs 23:7

Many an unhappy wife finds that her husband feeds her and meets her material needs without giving his heart to her.  He may be afraid that he’ll make himself vulnerable to her or might not be willing to spend enough time opening his heart to her.

A friend saw his daddy dog growl when a puppy tried to eat from daddy’s dish.  “Rule for kids,“ he said, “don’t eat from my dish.”

When I told my wife, she said, “No!  I eat from your dish and our children eat from your dish.”  Women who’ve seen her drink from my cup or eat off my plate have mourned, “I wish my husband would let me eat from his plate.”  If she can’t, is his heart really with her?

Protection – as God expected Adam to “keep” the garden, which meant to protect it, she expects him to protect her from his passions, her emotions, and from external threats by leading her on safe paths and by putting his life on the line to defend her if needed.

He can’t protect if she won’t obey.  Peter Pan told Wendy to stay in the clearing.  She went in the woods and Captain Hook grabbed her.  A man can protect wife or daughter only with her cooperation or by her incarceration.

Husbands are usually bigger and stronger than their wives.  That makes him the most likely to hurt her by bumping into her, tripping over her, or saying something unkind.  She won’t be able to love him as much as she wants to love him if he hurts her, especially with his words.  He also must protect her purity as explained before.

Just before we were married, my wife wanted a white bathroom set because white goes with anything.  I’d never had a rug around my toilet.  She didn’t know that men drip.  I learned that sitting down protected her rug and kept me from forgetting to put the seat down.

This was strange to me, but I’ve since learned that many women complain about falling into the toilet when their husbands leave the seat up.  Putting it down is part of a man’s duty to protect his wife.

Procreation – she expects him to appreciate her children as the greatest blessing she can give him.

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.  Psalm 127:3

Passion – his desire should be towards her and towards her alone.  He must make it possible for her to delight in his desire for her instead of feeling oppressed by his frequent desire.

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.  Psalm 19:5

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.  Song of Solomon 7:10

His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:3

Praise – she expects him to appreciate and praise her and for him to teach her children to praise her person and her labor.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. ²⁹Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29

It can be hard for a man to find a way to praise his wife in a way that she values.  We know a wife who’s an excellent cook.  Her mother had a career and never cooked, so she doesn’t see cooking as valuable.  Praising her cooking doesn’t do much for her.

The husband in the Song of Solomon praises his wife’s appearance in detail.  Most women care about their looks and enjoy having details appreciated.  My wife has light fur on her nose.  Her fur didn’t mean much to her, but she liked my noticing it.

A man can identify a skill God gave her – music, art, writing - encourage her to develop it, and praise her use of the skill.

If you think that praise is due her
Now’s the time to give it to her
For she cannot read her tombstone when she’s dead.

I regret that I didn’t understand how much praise I owed my mother for risking her life to give me life until after she’d died.

Pleased – she expects him to be pleased with her.

she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:34b

Is he willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she wants to please him?  How can she please him if she doesn’t know what he wants?  The only way she can be confident of pleasing him is for him to open his heart enough for her to learn his ways.  When a woman finds she can’t please her husband no matter how hard she tries, we often see death in her eyes, even in photographs.

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.  Proverbs 17:22

Partnership – she expects him to share the responsibility of educating, cleaning, raising, chastening, and guiding her children.

Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. ¹⁴Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.  Proverbs 23:13-14

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  Ephesians 6:4

Participation – she wants to know everything he does, to be involved in decisions, and to use her gifts to bless him.  How can she help him if he won’t involve her or hear what she has to say?

Opposites attract.  In a couple we know, the wife had much better people skills than her husband.  Early in their marriage, he’d tell her about conversations at work.  Instead of making kind suggestions about how others could have been offended by what he said, she’d yell, “How could you be so stupid to say that?”

This was painful.  He stopped telling her about work and couldn’t use her gifts to help him.  He missed promotions he’d probably have received if she’d spoken gently enough for him to want her to help him in his career.

Another couple we know had the same issue but she knew to approach him kindly even though his social blunders were far worse. She was careful to explain how he could have explained his thoughts differently.  He credits her with doubling his income.

Patience – she expects him to spend enough time talking to her to understand her and for her to understand his ways so she can help him and follow him.  She can’t obey what she doesn’t understand.

I squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, she squeezes from the top.  There’s a prayer, “Father, give us courage to change what must be changed, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and wisdom to know the difference,” but there’s usually another way.

Instead of trying to change her, I bought a plastic gadget I slide up the tube to force the paste to the top where she can squeeze it easily.

She has to be patient too.  My wife asked, “Why are you spilling peanuts on the floor?  Why dump them in your hand?  Why not reach in the jar and get some?”  She hadn’t realized that my hand was so much larger than hers that I couldn’t reach into the jar.  She poured them into a bowl where I could reach them.

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4

Some wives are afraid to ask questions like hers.  You must create an atmosphere where she can ask about anything that bothers her.  Taking her frustrations seriously and trying to relieve them is part of looking on the things of others.

There are times when she doesn’t want him to try to fix it because she doesn’t think his approach will work in this situation.  She wants to talk about it because discussion helps clarify the issue in her mind.  His ideas or Bible verses may give her an idea that might work.

Peculiarity – he should know and rejoice in her unique, feminine thoughts and delight in how God made her uniquely “but one.”

My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her.  Song of Solomon 6:9a

A prudent wife is from the LORD.  Proverbs 19:14b

A woman doesn’t like feeling like an interchangeable sexual appliance; God commands each man to sanctify and honor his wife:

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: ⁴That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel[17] in sanctification and honour; ⁵Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: ⁶That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified.  I Thessalonians 4:3-6

He sanctifies her by marrying her before taking her and honors her by knowing what makes her unique and making sure that she feels special when he takes her.

A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.  Luke 6:45

He should stay awake long enough to open his heart to her, marvel at how surprised he is at how important God made her to him as she weaves herself into his life, and tell her how she comforts him.  Talking about her importance to him helps him focus all his attention on her.

She can’t feel unique if he visibly appreciates other women in print, online, or in the flesh.  A woman should make her husband feel special by praising his ideas and thanking him when she talks to him.

Position – she expects him to upload her authority over her house and children, particularly as her sons become men (Pr. 31:28-29).

Perception – she expects him to understand and appreciate her thoughts and to thank God for giving her to him.

God blocks a husband’s prayers if he doesn’t know his wife, no matter how much open-hearted talk it takes:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. ⁸Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion[18] one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: ⁹Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.  I Peter 3:7-9

Know and understand aren’t the same; God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, only to know her.  We have a quilt which is nearly square.  To me, either side can be on top and any edge can be at the head.  There are 8 equally warm ways to put it on the bed.

My wife believes that one side is up and flowers point to the foot so she sees only one way to put it on the bed.  She was frustrated whenever I did it wrong, but she knew I loved her.  It was so obvious to her that she had trouble believing I really didn’t know which way was up.  She finally told me to put the tag in a certain corner.

I don’t understand this at all, but now that I know where she wants the tag, I can find it.  She knows I do that just for her, and my paying attention to her wants when I don’t care makes her happy.

Pleasure – she expects him to enjoy talking with her and to delight in opening his perfect heart to her as he meets her needs to talk.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  I Corinthians 7:3

Plan – he must explain where he’s going clearly so that she can follow him in confidence that he’s thought the decision through Biblically, considered all possibilities, and that she’ll please him as she tries to help carry out the plan.  Proverbs 29:13

Precious – she expects him to value her as a favor from God:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22

Part – she expects him to make her an important part of his life, to be the axle on which the wheel of his earthly life turns, to be the tail on his kite to help hold him steady as they soar together.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.  Genesis 2:18

How can she help if she doesn’t understand his long-term goals and short-term plans?  How can she rest in confidence she’ll please him if she doesn’t know what he wants?  A woman should never get involved with a man who has no string on his kite.

Place – she expects a place to live and strongly expects to occupy an important place in his life as she comforts him (Gen. 24:67).

a prudent[19] wife is from the LORD.  Proverbs 19:14b

God made women so that they think differently from men.  This helps women carry out the ministry He assigned them:

I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.  I Timothy 5:14

Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.  Psalm 128:3

Each plant needs different soil, water, and sunlight.  Guiding a house takes less emotional energy if she’s allowed to shape the house to her tastes and personality.  Remember the saying, “I am daughter in my mother’s house, but mistress in mine own.”  The Pr. 31 wife is trusted to make many household and business decisions.

And Laban went into Jacob's tent, and into Leah's tent, and into the two maidservants' tents; but he found them not. Then went he out of Leah's tent, and entered into Rachel's tent.  Genesis 31:33

Women are strongly territorial.  Jacob’s 4 wives could share a husband, but not kitchens or living spaces.  Each one had her own.

Peace – she expects him to treat her gently so that her heart can find peaceful rest as she takes upon herself the yoke of pleasing him.

The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband.  Ruth 1:9a

Anxiety makes it hard for a wife to use her God-given emotions in a positive way to build the family; being given rest makes it easier.  Her emotions hold the house together or drive the family apart.

Potential – she expects him to better himself by gaining new knowledge throughout their married life.  He must also encourage the entire family to love learning about the Word of God and gaining general knowledge by studying the Works of God.

Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.  II Timothy 2:15

Purity – she expects him to guard her purity both before and after marriage.  She will find it difficult to trust him if he violates her purity, and it is very hard for a woman to follow a man she can’t trust.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.  Hebrews 13:4

Privacy – she expects him to value her thoughts and to keep the innermost feelings and judgments of her heart to himself.

That thou mayest regard discretion[20], and that thy lips may keep knowledge.  Proverbs 5:2

As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.  Proverbs 11:22

A man expects the “three warms,” a warm bed, a warm heart, and warm meals.  A man would far rather have sex than talk.

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. ⁹Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9

A woman marries because she’s made for a man.  She marries a specific man because she delights in talking to him.  She expects to talk more in a day after marriage than they could talk in a week of courting.  He’s willing to talk during courtship because that’s all he’s allowed to do, but after they’re married, he thinks it’s a done deal and he doesn’t have to talk about it anymore.

Men speak to report, women to create rapport.  A man tells his wife, “I went shopping, I spoke with so and so, I bought a car, I came home.”  Women are creatures of detail and of emotion; his wife wants to know, “How did you feel about what your friend said?  How was your friend dressed?  What color is the car?”

Men and women think differently.  A wife asked her husband to stop by the grocery store on his way home.  “I need 2 grapefruit,” she said, “and if they have avocados, get 6.”  When she asked him why he brought her 6 grapefruit, he told her, “They had avocados.”

My wife once asked me to get a big can of tomato sauce.  I happened by a restaurant supply store and got a #10 can of tomato paste.  She had to freeze most of it and took years to use it all.

A wife’s drive to talk can be so intense that her husband thinks anyone would do; he may think she’d be just as happy talking to a wall.  A husband’s drive to take his wife can be so intense that she thinks he isn’t paying attention to her as a person and that any woman would serve him as well.  You must make each other “but one.”

A man thinks the wedding vows mean that he can have his wife whenever he’s able to have her; she thinks that the vows mean that he’ll supply at least 1/3 of the words whenever she’s able to talk.

Traditional wedding vows say “to have and to hold.”  The man marries to have her; she marries so he’ll hold her.  You can’t float your own boat; you must float your spouse’s boat.

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

A man plans to have sex five times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed; this frightens and bores his wife because it isn’t her main drive.  She plans to talk to him at least five times before breakfast and more afterward, this frightens and bores him because it’s not his drive.  God is just; the marriage burdens are balanced, not identical.

If a girl can’t call a man “lord,” (I Peter 3:6) why have his baby?  If he isn’t worth her respect, how is he worthy to father her children?

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, his wife’s gotta clean up the mess.  When he’s done doing what he’s gotta do, he’s tired, so she has to clean up quietly while he takes a nap.  With communication beforehand, there might not be as much mess.

What do you say when your husband tells you he’s going to drive his motorcycle into his living room to work on the transmission?  “Let’s put down a tarp so your parts won’t get lost.”  That puts you on his side helping him solve the problem.  When you’re at the store buying the tarp, you can ask, “You’re going to clean parts, right?  Let’s get some disposable roasting pans.”

Even with disposable pans, there will generally be less mess if you clean the parts.  That makes him “known in the gates.”  His friends say, “You got your bike back on the road,” he’ll say, “Yeah, my wife cleaned the chain!”  That’s so unusual he’ll have to brag on you.

That’s what God expects of a help meet – you have to make home a place he wants to be.  Does he live there, or is he just a visitor?

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.  Proverbs 14:1

The only way a man can have a home is for his wife to build one and welcome him into it.  You either marry to give or you marry to get.  Marrying to give brings a taste of the joys of Heaven.  Marrying to get can make life Hell on earth.  This applies to all human interactions.

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.  Matthew 16:25 see also Mk. 8:35, Lk. 9:24, 17:33, Jn. 12:25

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:4  Especially your spouse!

Things for Him to Think About Before Marriage

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?  II Corinthians 6:14

Never marry a woman who has not asked God to save her.  Do you see the fruits of the spirit in her life?

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; ²⁶That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. ²⁹For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: ³⁰For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. ³¹For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. ³²This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:25-33

That passage gives more detail about how God created us so that marriage pictures the relationship between Christ and the church:

·        Christ died for the sake of the church.  God seldom expects a man to die to protect his wife, but a husband should “die daily (1 Cor. 15:31)” by dedicating his life to nourishing and cherishing her.

·        Verses 26-27 show that Christ refines the church.  The story of the talents in Matthew 25 teaches that God holds each of His people accountable for all gifts and skills He gives.  God expects her husband to help her develop the gifts God gave her to present her to himself, their family, and their church as a “glorious wife.”

·        You are members of His body.  I Corinthians 12:24 tells us that “God hath tempered the body together;” husband and wife are “tempered together” with each other, with God and their church.

·        Verse 32 speaks of a “great mystery” concerning Christ and the church.  People understood how husband and wife should relate so the Holy Spirit used marriage to explain Christ and the church by restating similarities between marriage and salvation.

·        John 3:16 tells us that God loves the world.  When a sinner asks for salvation, the sinner belongs to Christ and is loved in a different way.  If a wife belongs to her husband, he can love her as Christ loves the church.  If she chooses to stay independent, he can’t love her any more than God loves the world.  If he won’t open his heart to her, she can’t help him as fully as God intends.  That’s another reason not to marry a lost person.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath power not of his body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again lest Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.  I Corinthians 7:2-5

What is the “due benevolence” God expects you to render to your wife?  She’ll never be bored and she’ll never find anything better.  God calls it fraud if you don’t do this.  Hint: God teaches that it is safe for you to open your heart to her:

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  Proverbs 31:11

Husband and wife owe each other grace and forgiveness; it’s fraud if they don’t serve God by giving themselves to each other as God’s good and perfect gifts.  God says that the husband’s body belongs to his wife and the wife’s body belongs to her husband.

Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love.  Proverbs 5:18-19

A husband knows exactly what “due benevolence” he’d like to give his wife, but giving his wife benevolence doesn’t mean meeting his needs, it means meeting her needs.

The dictionary defines “benevolence” as “a gift given out of generosity.”  A gift costs the giver something, it’s something the receiver appreciates or wants.  Meeting a man’s sexual needs is his wife’s benevolence to him because he’s generally more interested in sex than she is and giving herself as often as he wants costs her any feelings of independence.  What sort of “due benevolence” does a woman need from her husband?

God gave women a drive to talk to help keep babies alive, to help them care for husbands, and to keep husbands from being alone.

Women discuss what to do about sneezes, whether this cough is OK or needs attention, and share stories of how old kids were when they talked, walked, smiled, or rolled over.  Women share tips so often that TV is full of TDK commercials – two dames in a kitchen talking about paper towels, dish detergent, or some other product.

A woman builds relationships every day by talking about whatever’s important to her for hours at a time.  If a man doesn’t enjoy receiving his wife’s words and seek them out, she feels unloved.

It’s a sacrifice for you to talk with your wife about topics that interest her, but He also knows it’s a sacrifice for her to submit to you.  When you and your wife become one flesh, each of you must die to self and become one mind and one heart as well.

Opening yourself to her in talk blesses you because she’ll learn how to please you.  I had dinner with a wealthy friend who served Jamaican Blue Mountain, the only coffee I really like.  When I told her about it, she learned that it cost $50 per pound so we didn’t buy any.

She found a blend on sale in an odd lot store for $8, which we could afford.  She would not have known I liked it without my telling her so many details of my friend’s dinner.  Whenever I drink any, I appreciate her and tell her so.  This makes us both happy.

Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.  I Corinthians 11:1

The Apostle Paul didn’t expect Christians to follow him into sin.

Acts 5:1-11 tells how Ananias sold some land and decided to lie and say that he’d donated the entire selling price to the church.  He discussed this with his wife Sapphira and she agreed with his plan.  The Holy Spirit struck them dead for lying to the Holy Spirit.

And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. ⁴⁸But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.  Luke 12:47-48

God holds us accountable for what we know.  Being struck dead takes Sapphira’s punishment out of the “few stripes” category; we know she knew better than to lie to the church.

Does this teach that there are limits to your wife’s obedience?  Should Sapphira have warned her husband against lying?  The better you follow Christ, the easier it will be for your wife to follow you.

When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him.  Matthew 27:19

Are you prepared for God to speak to you through your wife?

Many couples think that the man loses if they do what the wife wants and that she loses if they do what the husband wants.  In reality, if you talk enough, you’ll usually find something neither of you thought of at first that’s best for the family.  Basing your discussions on win-lose makes both of you unhappy.  If you take the time to share knowledge and find a family win, things go better.

Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.  Romans 14:5

Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men;  II Corinthians 5:11a

Wherefore, though I might be much bold in Christ to enjoin thee that which is convenient, yet for love’s sake I rather beseech thee, ...  Philemon 8-9

What does it mean for you to lead your wife by serving her?  How will nourishing and cherishing her and praising and appreciating her as taught in the Song of Solomon make it easier for her to follow you?

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.  I Corinthians 11:3

If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all  Mark 9:35

But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them.  But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.  Mark 10:42-44

How does your wife know how to follow you?  I learned that if I set my wife free to please me as she desires, she would serve me in ways I could never imagine to command.  I was thinking about qualifications for church office.  The Bible says:

Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well.  I Timothy 3:12

I asked, “Do I qualify, I don’t rule you, I rarely tell you what to do?”

She said, “You rule me utterly.  Your ways aren’t natural to me, but we’ve talked enough that I know how you want things done.  Almost everything I do, I know how you want it done and I do it your way.”

She desired to please me and chose to serve me out of love as Christ chose to die for sinners out of love.  Learning of me so she knew that I’d be pleased with her made my yoke easier and my burden lighter as learning what Christ expects of us makes His yoke easy and His burden light.  I had talked with her enough that she could follow but not enough to see how my preferences ruled her.  It hadn’t occurred to me that there was any way other than my way.

Once I realized how hard she worked to please me, I asked which of my ways were hard for her.  We found many where my way was a lot harder and the difference wasn’t worth her extra work.  Changing back to her ways lightened my yoke as she learned more of me.  She’d always accepted my rule, but my yoke wasn’t as light as it should have been because I didn’t realize how much I was ruling her.

Your Wife is a Mirror, not a Light

You were created in the image of God.  Your wife’s parents shaped her in their image.  After marriage, her desire to please you conforms her to your image of her as you rule her by praise or criticism:

Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16

Your wife is a mirror, she’s not a light.  If you give her love, honor, and appreciation, she multiplies your praise and fills the house with love and light.  If you give her anger or criticism, she increases that.

She multiplies what you give her.  Whatever she makes – love, criticism, happiness, anger, honor, dishonor, and children – has your pattern in it.  She reflects your image of her for all the world to see, either to your honor or to your dishonor.

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.  Proverbs 12:4

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.  Matthew 25:40

If you want a wonderful wife, treat her as a wonderful wife and tell everyone how wonderful she is as the husband in the Song does.

There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number. ⁹My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song of Solomon 6:8-9

There were women everywhere then as there are now, but his wife is the only one he sees – she’s “but one.”  Your wife’s joy or sorrow in marriage to you is visible to everyone; she’s either your crown or your shame depending on how you treat her.  Her joy in belonging to you honors you wherever you go:

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.  Proverbs 31:23

For better or for worse, your wife sees God’s love and concern for her in the way you treat her and becomes the wife you say she is.

Your wife lives on the love you give her.  When I hug my wife, our children and grandchildren came running to get in on the hug.  Kids know that mommy gives more and better love when she gets daddy’s love.  When her batteries ran low so that our children weren’t feeling strong enough love from her and they saw me pour love to her, they ran to join the hug to get my love from both of us at the same time.

Things for Her to Think About Before Marriage

But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned.  Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh:  I Corinthians 7:28

But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.  I Corinthians 7:9

Marrying will bring trouble so your desire for each other should be strong enough to hold you together no matter what life throws at you.

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.  I Corinthians 10:13

God promises that He will help you escape or bear trials.  Anything about your husband that irritates you probably irritated his mother.  If she couldn’t fix it when she was bigger than he was, how can you?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man just as he is?  Many women are convinced that their words can change him after they marry, this very seldom works.

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.  Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.  For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are,  I Peter 3:1-6

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?  II Corinthians 6:14

Never marry a man who has not asked God to save him.  “Without the word” was written to women who are saved after marrying; it’s hard to change men through words.  When we were first married, I’d come in the house carelessly and track in dirt.  My wife didn’t say anything; she followed me and wiped up the mess.  I changed.

Do you see the Fruits of the Spirit in his life now?

It is never a good idea to dress in “marketing mode” or to worry very much about your appearance.  If you’re too concerned with your looks, a man can flatter you into compromising your virtue by complimenting your appearance.

Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.  John 7:24

Having him totally involved in how you look is not good, you won’t be happy unless he values your mind, soul, and strength in addition.

and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:33b

You must both be generally content with each other including dress, diet, manners, hobbies, and anything else that can irritate you.

As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.  Proverbs 11:22

Courtship is when you find out if he trusts you enough to open his heart to you and tell you his dreams, desires, goals, wants, and when he finds out whether you respect him in spite of his mistakes.

Why does God expect you to call your husband “Lord?”  How does that benefit you?  Suppose you met a man who was so Godly and treated you so well that you felt like calling him “Sir.”  Wouldn’t you want to marry him?  Wait for such a man to claim you without any input from you!  That doesn’t mean that you have to marry a man just because he claims you, be sure he’s the one God chose for you.  Having him honor your purity and your walk with God is a good sign.

Do you find yourself saying “yes sir” to this man from time to time?  If you don’t respect him that much, why have his baby?

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.  Psalm 127:3

For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.  Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I  Corinthians 11:8-9

What does the Bible mean when it says a woman is made for her husband and he’s not made for her?

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.  I Corinthians 11:3

What did God mean when he said your desire shall be to your husband?  Are you ready for this man to rule you?  Will he rule gently?

Can he lead you by serving you as Christ commands?  Servant leadership works only with those who are willing to follow.  Are you convinced that he will gently lead you where God wants you to go?

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Song of Solomon 7:10

What does the Bible mean when it says your husband’s desire is toward you?  How should you respond?  If God is good, your desire for each other is good.  How does his desire for you bless you?

His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.  Song of Solomon 2:6

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath power not of his body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again lest Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.  I Corinthians 7:2-5

What is the “due benevolence” God expects you to render to your husband?  If you don’t know, find an older woman and ask.  This is something you must know before you marry.  He’ll never be bored and he’ll never find anything better.

Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.  Ruth 3:18

But if they cannot contain, let them marry:  I Corinthians 7:9a

What did Naomi mean by “will not be in rest?”  Why is this good advice?  What does teach about married life?

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.  Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.  Ephesians 5:22-24

God expects you to obey your husband and to submit to him.  “Obey” means do as you’re told, “submit” means opening your body whenever God gives him the strength to have you.  He might be willing to exercise if you remind him that you and he could have sex more often if he was in better shape.  This will help him live longer.

Men usually die before their wives, so helping your husband live longer shortens your widowhood.  It’s simpler to take care of the husband you have than to find another.

What was Delilah’s complaint to Samson?  He told her he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he didn’t open his heart to her.  Who betrayed whom first?  How did Delilah get Samson to tell his secret?

And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? thou hast mocked me these three times, and hast not told me wherein thy great strength lieth. ¹⁶And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; ¹⁷That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.  Judges 16:15-17

Will you deal with your husband that way, or will you be virtuous?

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Proverbs 12:18

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.  Proverbs 31:26

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour[21], and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice[22]: ³²And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:31-32

Men do many things that annoy women.  Can you accept his masculine characteristics without becoming angry?  If you make your words health to him, he will want to hear what you have to say.

And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; and that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.  II Timothy 2:24-26

What does the Bible mean when it speaks of a man “humbling” a woman?  Ask an older woman if you don’t know.

because thou hast humbled her.  Deuteronomy 12:14b

A man can’t protect a disobedient woman.  Peter Pan told Wendy to stay in the clearing.  She went in the woods and got caught by Captain Cook.  Having brought a rebellious woman into his home, Peter had to risk his life fighting Cook to get her back.

How does a wise woman build her house?  How does a foolish woman pull down her house?

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.  Proverbs 14:1

If he’s saved and walking with the Lord, what’s your husband’s most important characteristic?  Being nuts about you.

But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.  I Corinthians 7:9

Why was Solomon’s soul empty?  Whose fault was this?  What should he have done about it?

Your husband must love you as Christ loves the church.  God loves the world, but Christ’s church consists of people who have chosen to belong to Christ.  If you stay independent from your husband, if you don’t choose to belong to him, he can love you as God loves the world, but he can’t love you as Christ loves the church.  Neither can God.

Ecclesiastes teaches that everything Solomon did was vanity and chasing after wind.  This was because he did it for himself.  If you depend on your husband, the work he does to nourish and cherish you is not vain.  Your leaning on him gives meaning to his work.

As your husband gives his life daily for you, he earns so much per hour.  Whenever you spend whatever that is, your husband has given one hour of his life for your sake.

A woman has many needs.  What do you want most from your husband?  What is the only command to a husband in Proverbs 31:10-31?  What does the Song of Solomon teach you and him?  There is no criticism in the Song, only detailed praise.

It’s hard to give men gifts because God made men to want only one thing.  If he has that, it’s all he wants and you and he can spend most of the money guiding the house.  If not, he spends money buying toys to make himself happy, but this is vanity.

A man knows that God equipped you to give him a taste of the joys of Heaven.  He doesn’t know that you can make him no happier than he makes you.  God warns men to try to make wives happy:

A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.  Proverbs 19:13

It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.  Proverbs 21:9

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.  Proverbs 21:19

It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.  Proverbs 25:24

A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.  Proverbs 27:15

A wife is God’s good and perfect gift to her husband and she wants to please him.  What makes her contentious?

God knows what men want.  He made you for your husband.  If your husband knows in his bones that you’re happy to belong to him, your happiness becomes his.  Making you happy gives him more joy than anything he can do for himself.  If you aren’t his, you’re roommates, and your happiness won’t do much for him.  He’ll seek joy elsewhere but he’ll be as empty as Solomon.

To belong to Christ, you must die to yourself and be reborn to follow Him.  To be one as Christ expects, you die to yourself and be reborn into a one-flesh family with the man leading.

There’s no joy for your husband in this life that compares with having you delight in belonging to him.  You have no joy in this life like having a man delight in nourishing and cherishing you.

Proverbs 31 describes virtuous women, not the other kind.  God is a God of mercy, love and grace.  Forgiveness of sexual sins requires repentance, confession to your husband, and his confession back to you and your parents.  It requires humbling of both parties.  God gave you strong desires to hold you and your husband together but God doesn’t want him opening God’s gift before Christmas.  Chaperones protect you from yourself and from each other!

If a woman says she wants marriage and gives herself without it, he thinks she’s a liar – marriage means nothing or she wouldn’t do that.  Why marry a woman who lies about how important marriage is to her?  If he can have you without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t already have?

Proverbs 31 says that a virtuous woman’s price is very high.  A woman sets her price by what she does.  If her price is a few dinners or movies, she’s worth little.  If her price is that he dedicate his life to taking care of her before getting her, she can be a priceless treasure.  What you do shouts so loudly that nobody can hear what you say.

Notes about the Song of Solomon

The Song was written 4,000 years ago to explain how husbands and wives should interact.  It was preserved by hand-copying over the centuries because it captures the principles of keeping your hearts perfect toward one another.

1) It starts with the wife praising her husband’s physical drive:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.  Song of Solomon 1:2

This works because just about every man has strong physical drives.  Feeling appreciated by his wife makes a man more inclined to take care of her and to appreciate her.  She should set an example of an “attitude of gratitude” instead of complaining.

2) There is no criticism at all in the Song, only praise in mind-numbing detail.  The man and wife are constantly looking for little things about each other to praise and appreciate.  The way it's put sounds odd to us, but it shows that married people need constant praise, support, and appreciation from each other and must spend a lot of time looking for things to appreciate.

Appreciation must be shown by doing.  My wife has long hair.  It’s a lot of trouble for her but I like it.  When I see her hairbrush full of hair, I spend 20 seconds cleaning it with a comb.  This doesn’t save her much work but shows that I pay attention to things that affect her.

3) The husband is totally involved with his wife.  He tells everyone that he believes she's uniquely perfect:

My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song 6:9

He's so focused on her that he doesn't see other women as women, only as people.

4) The wife has no doubt that her husband belongs to her:

My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song 2:16

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song 6:3

What should a man do to convince his wife that he belongs to her?

5) The wife enjoys and encourages her husband's desire for her:

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.  Song 7:10

As Naomi gave Ruth advice how to get married, the wife asks her mother for advice how to stay married:

I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. ³His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song 8:2-3

Encouraging him to keep his desire focused on her as opposed to all the other women convinces him that she belongs to him.  She has far more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his sexual energy particularly if she encourages him when he hasn’t asked.  That makes it hard for other women to get his attention.  If she sends him off to work loaded, he'll be tempted by other women.

A wife should enjoy her husband while he’s able to have her:

Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?  Genesis 18:12

You will both be convinced that you belong to him if you make love whenever he can.  God made most men possessive enough to want to care for their possessions.  If you’re his, he will be more inclined to appreciate you and take care of you.

The Song deals with both parties’ need to be appreciated.  They can't praise each other in such detail without paying close attention.  Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.

Some scholars argue that the Song shows Christ and the church.  Old Testament prophets used sexual words to describe the relationship between God and His people (Is. 1:21, Jer. 2:2, 3:6–12, Ez. 16, 23, Hos. 2).  The Song is both literal and spiritual; heed its lessons!

How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and instead looked for details to appreciate and praise?  That is the essence of the Song.  The Old Testament is for our learning (Rom. 15:4).  Follow the pattern God gave you!

God Made Holy Matrimony as Every Couple’s High Calling

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. ¹⁴For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.  Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

A future husband should be able to look his future wife in the eye and say, “For God so loved man that he gave him woman; for God so loved me that he gave me you,” and be prepared to live by it.  If a man believes that, says it, acts like it all his days, and appreciates his wife as much and as often as the husband in the Song of Solomon, his wife will like belonging to him.

There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven that compares with having his wife delight in belonging to him.  There is no joy for a woman in this life that compares with having her husband enjoy belonging to her and like nourishing, cherishing, and appreciating her.  She can’t make him any happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9).  How happy does he want to be?

The Song

The Song of Songs, which is Solomon's. ²Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. ³Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee. ⁴Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee. ⁵I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon. ⁶Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept. ⁷Tell me, O thou whom my soul loveth, where thou feedest, where thou makest thy flock to rest at noon: for why should I be as one that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions? ⁸If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds' tents. ⁹I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots. ¹⁰Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold. ¹¹We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver. ¹²While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof. ¹³A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts. ¹⁴My beloved is unto me as a cluster of camphire in the vineyards of Engedi. ¹⁵Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes. ¹⁶Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green. ¹⁷The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir.  Song 1:1-17

I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys. ²As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters. ³As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. ⁴He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. ⁵Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love. ⁶His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me. ⁷I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please. ⁸The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. ⁹My beloved is like a roe or a young hart: behold, he standeth behind our wall, he looketh forth at the windows, shewing himself through the lattice. ¹⁰My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. ¹¹For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; ¹²The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land; ¹³The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. ¹⁴O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely. ¹⁵Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes. ¹⁶My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. ¹⁷Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether.  Song 2:1-17

By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not. ²I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not. ³The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth? ⁴It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother's house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me. ⁵I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please. ⁶Who is this that cometh out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all powders of the merchant? ⁷Behold his bed, which is Solomon's; threescore valiant men are about it, of the valiant of Israel. ⁸They all hold swords, being expert in war: every man hath his sword upon his thigh because of fear in the night. ⁹King Solomon made himself a chariot of the wood of Lebanon. ¹⁰He made the pillars thereof of silver, the bottom thereof of gold, the covering of it of purple, the midst thereof being paved with love, for the daughters of Jerusalem. ¹¹Go forth, O ye daughters of Zion, and behold king Solomon with the crown wherewith his mother crowned him in the day of his espousals, and in the day of the gladness of his heart.  Song 3:1-11

Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead. ²Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them. ³Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks. ⁴Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men. ⁵Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies. ⁶Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense. ⁷Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. ⁸Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, with me from Lebanon: look from the top of Amana, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, from the lions' dens, from the mountains of the leopards. ⁹Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck. ¹⁰How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices! ¹¹Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon. ¹²A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed. ¹³Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard, ¹⁴Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices: ¹⁵A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon. ¹⁶Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.   Song 4:1-16

I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved. ²I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night. ³I have put off my coat; how shall I put it on? I have washed my feet; how shall I defile them? ⁴My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him. ⁵I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock. ⁶I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer. ⁷The watchmen that went about the city found me, they smote me, they wounded me; the keepers of the walls took away my veil from me. ⁸I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am sick of love. ⁹What is thy beloved more than another beloved, O thou fairest among women? what is thy beloved more than another beloved, that thou dost so charge us? ¹⁰My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand. ¹¹His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are bushy, and black as a raven. ¹²His eyes are as the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set. ¹³His cheeks are as a bed of spices, as sweet flowers: his lips like lilies, dropping sweet smelling myrrh. ¹⁴His hands are as gold rings set with the beryl: his belly is as bright ivory overlaid with sapphires. ¹⁵His legs are as pillars of marble, set upon sockets of fine gold: his countenance is as Lebanon, excellent as the cedars. ¹⁶His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.  Song 5:1-16

Whither is thy beloved gone, O thou fairest among women? whither is thy beloved turned aside? that we may seek him with thee. ²My beloved is gone down into his garden, to the beds of spices, to feed in the gardens, and to gather lilies. ³I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. ⁴Thou art beautiful, O my love, as Tirzah, comely as Jerusalem, terrible as an army with banners. ⁵Turn away thine eyes from me, for they have overcome me: thy hair is as a flock of goats that appear from Gilead. ⁶Thy teeth are as a flock of sheep which go up from the washing, whereof every one beareth twins, and there is not one barren among them. ⁷As a piece of a pomegranate are thy temples within thy locks. ⁸There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number. ⁹My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. ¹⁰Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners? ¹¹I went down into the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley, and to see whether the vine flourished and the pomegranates budded. ¹²Or ever I was aware, my soul made me like the chariots of Amminadib. ¹³Return, return, O Shulamite; return, return, that we may look upon thee. What will ye see in the Shulamite? As it were the company of two armies.  Song 6:1-13

How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman. ²Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies. ³Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins. ⁴Thy neck is as a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bathrabbim: thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus. ⁵Thine head upon thee is like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king is held in the galleries. ⁶How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights! ⁷This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. ⁸I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples; ⁹And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak. ¹⁰I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. ¹¹Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages. ¹²Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth: there will I give thee my loves. ¹³The mandrakes give a smell, and at our gates are all manner of pleasant fruits, new and old, which I have laid up for thee, O my beloved.  Song 7:1-13

O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised. ²I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. ³His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. ⁴I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, until he please. ⁵Who is this that cometh up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved? I raised thee up under the apple tree: there thy mother brought thee forth: there she brought thee forth that bare thee. ⁶Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. ⁷Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned. ⁸We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for? ⁹If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she be a door, we will inclose her with boards of cedar. ¹⁰I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour. ¹¹Solomon had a vineyard at Baalhamon; he let out the vineyard unto keepers; every one for the fruit thereof was to bring a thousand pieces of silver. ¹²My vineyard, which is mine, is before me: thou, O Solomon, must have a thousand, and those that keep the fruit thereof two hundred. ¹³Thou that dwellest in the gardens, the companions hearken to thy voice: cause me to hear it. ¹⁴Make haste, my beloved, and be thou like to a roe or to a young hart upon the mountains of spices.  Song 8:1-14

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[1] participle passive of get. Procreated; generated.

[2] To clear from guilt or moral defilement; as, to purge one of guilt or crime; to purge away sin.

[3] Forgiveness; pardon; that is, the giving up of the punishment due for a crime; as the remission of sins. Matthew 26:28. Hebrews 9:22.  Setting aside the punishment of a crime, not demanding punishment.

[4] The act of passing over or beyond any law or rule of moral duty; the violation of a law or known principle of rectitude; breach of command.

[5] The act of condemning; the judicial act of declaring one guilty, and dooming him to punishment.

[6] Made holy; consecrated; set apart for sacred service.

[7] To represent as worthy of notice, regard, or kindness; to speak in favor of; to recommend.

[8] Hallowed; consecrated or set apart to a sacred use, or to the service or worship of God; a sense frequent in Scripture; as the holy sabbath; holy oil; holy vessels; a holy nation; the holy temple; a holy priesthood.

[9] The Oxford English Dictionary defines “divorce” as “The legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body.”  “Let not man put asunder” means that although people may divorce according to the laws of man, no man has authority to end Holy Matrimony which is set aside to God.  You’re married ‘til death do you part no matter what in God’s eyes.

[10] To compel or force; to urge with irresistible power, or with a power sufficient to produce the effect.

[11] To make efforts; to use exertions; to endeavor with earnestness; to labor hard; applicable to exertions of body or mind.

[12] Appointed; instituted; established; invested with ministerial or pastoral functions; settled.

[13] The incontinence or lewdness of unmarried persons, male or female; also, the criminal conversation of a married man with an unmarried woman.  Adultery, Matthew 5:32.  Incest, 1 Corinthians 5:1.  Idolatry; a forsaking of the true God, and worshipping of idols. 2 Chronicles 21:11, Revelation 19:2.

[14] For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. ⁷If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? ⁸But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.  Hebrews 12:6-8

[15] Emptiness; want of substance to satisfy desire; uncertainty; inanity.

[16] The Hebrew word for “help” is ezer used in “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help (Psalm 121:1)?“  God helps us when we cry.  Is a “help” inferior?  “Meet” means suitable.  A wife is a suitable help for her husband.  We used to say, “Behind every successful man there’s a woman” because of the value of a wife’s contributions.

[17] Some say that “vessel” refers to the man’s body, but the only other use of the Greek word translated “vessel” is in I Peter 3:5-7 which speaks of the wife as the “weaker vessel.” “Vessel” refers to the wife.  This makes sense, a “vessel” contains something.  In the marriage relationship, the husband’s body gives and the wife’s body contains.

[18] A suffering with another; painful sympathy; a sensation of sorrow excited by the distress or misfortunes of another; pity; commiseration. compassion is a mixed passion, compounded of love and sorrow; at least some portion of love generally attends the pain or regret, or is excited by it. Extreme distress of an enemy even changes enmity into at least temporary affection.

[19] Cautious; circumspect; practically wise; careful of the consequences of enterprises, measures or actions; cautious not to act when the end is of doubtful utility, or probably impracticable.

[20] Prudence, or knowledge and prudence; that discernment which enables a person to judge critically of what is correct and proper, united with caution; nice discernment and judgment, directed by circumspection, and primarily regarding ones own conduct.

[21] A great outcry; noise; exclamation; vociferation, made by a loud human voice continued or repeated, or by a multitude of voices. It often expresses complaint and urgent demand.

[22] Extreme enmity of heart, or malevolence; a disposition to injure others without cause, from mere personal gratification or from a spirit of revenge; unprovoked malignity or spite.