Hear the Voice of the Bridegroom Concerning Holy Matrimony
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Pastors Teaching God-Ordained Holy Matrimony
Christians must be taught to have God-honoring marriages that give both parties a taste of the joys of Heaven as God intended. Marriage is simple – the Bible explains marriage in one verse on page 4. You can explain both marriage and salvation in one minute, see page 26. A joyful marriage operates in two words, page 24.
The Bible tells us what to believe and what to do. God created marriage to bring men and women joy in this life (Gal. 5:22-23, Eph. 5:9), to show lost people the blessings of ordering our lives as He commands (Du. 4:6-8, Du. 30:9-10, 16), and so His servants could raise children to serve Him (Mal. 2:15).
Romans 7:4 uses “married” to describe the permanent tie between a born-again Christian and Christ. We show Christ to unbelievers (2 Cor. 5:20). Holy Matrimony is powerful testimony. Christian husbands nourishing and cherishing their wives shows the lost how Christ blesses His people. Christian wives following their husbands shows how Christians follow Christ. Divorce damages our picture of Christ’s care. When lost people see that we handle this life no better than they, why should they care what we say about salvation?
Hear the Voice of the Bridegroom
John the Baptist’s message was like a pastor’s message. When John heard that Jesus’ disciples were baptizing and that “all men come to him (Jn. 3:26),” he could have been jealous, but he explained his God-given role:
Ye yourselves bear me witness, that I said, I am not the Christ, but that I am sent before him. 29He that hath the bride is the bridegroom: but the friend of the bridegroom, which standeth and heareth him, rejoiceth greatly because of the bridegroom's voice: this my joy therefore is fulfilled. 30He must increase, but I must decrease. John 3:28-30
God sent John before Christ. The church is the bride and Jesus is the bridegroom in the “marriage supper of the Lamb (2 Cor. 11:2, Rev. 19:9).” John couldn’t preach our Gospel of Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection because it hadn’t happened yet; his Gospel of Repentance proclaimed the Messiah. If Jews had accepted Christ as Messiah, they’d have been married to Him as Christians are today (Rom. 7:4). As the friend of the Bridegroom, John heard “the bridegroom's voice (Jn. 3:29)” which filled him with joy.
As Abraham and Moses were friends of God (Ex. 33:11, 2 Chr. 20:7, Is. 41:8), pastors are called by God to be friends of the Bridegroom. As Christ’s friend, you rejoice as Christ speaks to you and to your people through your messages, Bible reading, and prayer. Christ must increase in us as we crucify the flesh in our lives (Eph. 4:22, Col. 3:9). Growth in Christ from hearing the Bridegroom continues the “good work” that begins when we accept the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior and continues “until the day of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:6).”
This is how we “Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you (Jam. 4:8).” We make the first move in asking Him to increase so that we can decrease. Increasing Him helps us enjoy the Fruit of the Spirit:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. 24And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. Galatians 5:22-24
Christ increases in us as we crucify the flesh. All our relationships: marriage, church, and work, improve as we grow in love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Trusting God’s leadership helps Him increase as we decrease. A pastor hears the Bridegroom teach him and passes it on! New believers hear the pastor at first, but he decreases and Christ increases as he points them to Christ. As parents bring up children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4), they decrease and something increases in the children’s lives. Their goal is that Christ increase and not the world.
That’s our duty to anyone we tell about Christ – we decrease in their lives as He increases.
The material in this book is from https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com. You’re free to use it in any way that serves His cause. An ounce of cut and paste is worth a pound of keystrokes.9/16/2024
Table of Contents
Pastors Teaching God-Ordained Holy Matrimony. ii
Hear the Voice of the Bridegroom.. ii
Chapter 1 - Welcome, my Brothers and Sisters in Christ 1
Let’s Review God’s Simple Plan of Salvation. 1
Love Drives the Christian Walk. 2
Holy Matrimony Until Death is Vital to Society. 4
Marriage is so Simple that the Bible Explains Marriage in One Verse. 4
Husband and Wife need Perfect Hearts. 11
Let’s Sum it up in a Few Words. 12
Chapter 2 - God Explained What Happened to Women After the Fall 13
The Foundation of Your Life: Is God Really Good? Christians say God is Good; Do They Believe It?. 13
Adam Failed to Protect Eve and Failed to Lead her Properly. 14
Everybody Sees how God Punished Adam.. 15
Think About Eve’s Life in the Garden. 15
What do Women Desire from Husbands?. 18
Men Don’t Know Why Wives Can’t Give Comfort 22
Seed and Speech are a Man’s and Woman’s Form of Communication. 23
Chapter 3 - Thou Shalt Love the Lord Thy God. 25
Explaining Marriage in One Minute. 26
God Demonstrates His Love Through Women. 28
God Tells us How to Build Joyful Marriages. 31
Why God Made Men and Women Think So Differently. 32
Chapter 4 – Having Answers Before and During Marriage. 35
Give Your Spouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You. 35
Parents and Churches Must Teach Holy Matrimony. 38
Advantages of a Meek and Quiet Spirit 39
Men Don’t Always Respect or Honor Women. 40
Women need Answers when a Man Approaches. 41
The Course Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth - William Shakespeare. 43
Putting Marriage on the Table. 43
Being Confident She’s Wanted. 45
Talking is More Important to Wives than Men Can Imagine. 46
Talking the Way a Wife Needs is Difficult for a Man. 47
Why Our Purity Was Important 48
I Serve God by Serving You. 49
Men and Women See Marriage Differently. 50
And We Lived Happily Ever After. 50
A Wife is a Mirror, She’s Not a Light 53
A Wife is What Her Husband Makes Her. 54
The Simplicity of God’s Marriage Rules. 54
Chapter 5 - Sound Bite Marriage. 55
Comparing Marriage and Salvation. 56
Chapter 6 - Logic and Emotion, Head Knowledge and Heart Knowledge. 61
Obeying God Requires Logic. 61
Logic is How We Use Facts to reach Conclusions. 62
Logic – Finding Facts and Drawing Conclusions. 62
Chapter 7 - What Fathers Should Teach Their Daughters. 65
The Man Must Grow Up Before Marrying. 66
Fathers Who Failed Their Daughters. 67
Chapter 8 – A Man is Pursuing Your Daughter. What do you tell him?. 71
Will he Appreciate Her as God Appreciates Her?. 74
And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. (Mk. 10:8) 75
Chapter 9 - Confessing Your Faults to Your Children. 77
Chapter 10 - Neuroscience Shows How Sex Affects the Human Brain. 79
Older Women Must Instruct Younger Women About Men. 81
Emotional Upheaval Hurts Women More Than It Hurts Men. 82
Few Men Appreciate These Verses. 83
Men Don’t Always Respect or Honor Women. 85
Men Must Dwell According to Knowledge of Their Wives, Possessing Them in Honor, Not Lust 86
Eve Was Ok With Adam Claiming Her And Naming Her. 86
God Increased A Woman’s Desire For A Man As A Punishment 87
My Wife-To-Be Liked Being Wanted - Desire For Male Attention Is Deep Within Women. 87
Women Tolerate AMAZING Abuse From Men Once They Get Emotionally Involved. 88
An Important Biblical Warning. 88
Few Americans Treat Others As People As Opposed To Treating Them As Men And Women. 89
Other Science Reports Which Show How God Did What He Did. 89
Chapter 11 - Developing Church Leaders. 91
Servant Leadership is Godly Leadership. 91
Rescue the Perishing – Lift Up the Fallen. 92
Be Careful What You Ask For. 94
Chapter 12 - Marriage Handout 95
Dwelling According to Knowledge. 95
Husband Leads in Appreciation. 96
Wife Respects Her Husband and Guides His House. 96
Chapter 13 - Handling Disputes and Anger at Home, at Church, at Work, and in the World. 97
What if You Don’t Heal Hurts as They Happen?. 97
Settling a Group Offense God’s Way. 97
Giving Offense Offends God. 98
We Cannot Live without Law.. 99
The Problem of Human Carnality. 99
Printed September 16, 2024
Chapter 1 - Welcome, my Brothers and Sisters in Christ
God gave us both salvation and marriage. If we try to get to Heaven in our own way, we go to Hell when we die. If we try to do marriage our own way, we can make life Hell on earth.
Romans 7:4[1] uses the word “married” to describe the tie between a born-again Christian and Christ. We show Christ to unbelievers (2 Cor. 5:20[2]). If lost people see that Christian marriages are no better than theirs, if we can’t handle this life any better than they, we damage the picture of Christ’s care for us.
When Christians pour the grace of salvation into marriages, lost people see us passing God’s love, forgiveness, and grace back and forth. They’ll see that we’re much better off in this life than they are. God has given us the privilege and honor of telling everyone how to get God’s grace for themselves.
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven like having a woman like belonging to him. As her God-ordained leader, he must convince her that he loves her and that he’s glad to belong to her and glad to care for her. This shows her Christ’s love for her and for him. Seeing Christ’s love in action draws the lost.
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1
Women build the house of God. When a couple visits, if church women are nervous or not appreciated, the wife won’t want to return. If they’re loved and led gently, she’ll want her husband to come and learn how.
Let’s Review God’s Simple Plan of Salvation
God knew that we’d have trouble with His plan of salvation, so He made one plan work for both. We couldn’t handle two ways to relate, one for relating to God and another for our spouses, so He gave one way to relate.
Salvation and marriage use the same plan. We relate to God and to other Christians in the same way.
We serve the Lord God who sent His only Son Jesus to be born of the Virgin Mary. Jesus was equal to God the Father, but chose to become a servant and was born as a man (Phil. 2:6-8[3]). In dying on the cross as a man, Jesus obeyed God His Father unto death. In dying as God, He took on Himself the richly-deserved punishment for all of my sins, your sins, and all the sins of everyone past, present, and future.
The blood He shed on the cross washes away our sins if we humble ourselves, admit that we can’t repent of our sins without His help, and call on Him to save us. My mother taught me the reality of my sins by punishing me for disobeying. She taught that Jesus died to take the punishment for my sins. She taught that His blood would wash away my sins if I believed that Jesus rose from the dead to show His power over death.
She taught me of Adam’s sin and God’s promise that one of Eve’s children would conquer Satan (Gen. 3:15[4]). I didn’t realize that Jesus loved me far more than “just” being willing to take on the evil of all my sins and lose His fellowship with His Father (Ps. 22:1[5], Mt. 27:46[6], Mk. 15:34[7]). I thought that when Adam soiled himself by his sin and our perfect God could no longer have fellowship with polluted Adam, Jesus agreed that He would become sin for us so that we could be washed clean and spend eternity with God in Heaven.
Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough and wanted us enough to create us anyway!
To help us understand Jesus’ sacrificial love, God created mothers who willingly risk death to give babies life. Before modern medicine, a woman had roughly 98.5% chance of surviving a pregnancy. Without birth control, married women had so many pregnancies that 1 woman in 8 died in childbirth. 1 in 8!
Every girl knew someone who had died in childbirth (Gen. 35:18[8], 1 Sam. 4:20[9]). Every girl knew that she would walk the valley of the shadow of death for each child, yet women wanted to marry and bear children (Gen.30:1[10], Lk. 1:25[11]) anyway. Women want children badly enough to risk death; Jesus wanted the pleasure and glory of creating us so badly (Rev. 4:11[12]) that He chose certain death before creating everything!
My mother risked her life to give me life and did it again and again for my brothers. Risking her life is a woman’s part of Gen. 5:1-2[13] “he [God] called their name Adam” to include Eve in the likeness of God.
Trying to get to Heaven by being good, being religious, going to church, tithing, doing good deeds, is not only impossible (Ro. 3:11[14]), trying to earn your way into Heaven blocks you from accepting Jesus’ free offer of salvation (Gal. 5:4[15]). You’re trying to pay for a free gift whose price is far more than you can ever pay.
How did you earn your mother’s risking her life to give you life and then pouring her life into keeping you alive and teaching you how to behave as an adult? She risked her life before she knew anything about you. She risked her life freely based on the emotional drives God put into her and looked forward eagerly to your birth as she felt God forming you within her womb (Is. 49:5[16]). Have you thanked her?
Jesus told Nicodemus, “Ye must be born again (John 3:7[17]).” You must die to your former life of sin in order to be born again into the family of Christ (Acts 17:30[18], 20:21[19]).
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
You must die to your former life and be born again into marriage with Jesus to bring forth fruit to God. Rev. 19:9 speaks of “the marriage supper of the Lamb” where the church is united in marriage with Jesus in Heaven forever. “Marriage” describes the tie between us and God. We become one with God by calling on His Name to be saved; husband and wife become “one flesh” in Holy Matrimony.
Love Drives the Christian Walk
The 2nd time Jesus met with His disciples after His resurrection, He told them to start the church:
Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: John 20:21-22
Peter went fishing instead of starting the church. Jesus went after Peter again. Jesus knew Peter was afraid to admit his feelings for fear of hurt. Jesus wept (Jn. 11:35) at Lazarus' tomb. Peter saw Him mourn for Jerusalem (Mt. 23:37[20], Lk. 13:34[21]) and Capernaum (Mt. 11:23[22], Lk. 10:15[23]). Peter knew that if he loved Jesus, he’d be hurt when people refused the gospel. He didn’t want Jesus’ sorrow or grief (Is. 53:3-4[24]).
Peter was right. I mourned when my friend who was best man at my wedding would not ask Jesus to save him. I urged him after a bad heart attack. He said, “I get it. God lets me choose to go to Hell if I want to.” His 2nd attack killed him a week later, 35 years to the day after my wedding. I sorrow that he’s in Hell.
Jesus pushed Peter to admit that Peter loved Him. That didn't make Peter love Jesus – he already did – but Peter wouldn’t admit his love for Jesus until Jesus pushed Peter to love Him. Once he admitted to himself that he loved Jesus above everything else (Jn 21:15)[25], Peter had to spread the word – our love of Christ makes us serve Him (2 Cor. 5:14[26])! That’s why Jesus wants us to know and accept His love for us and ours for Him – we can’t do His work without His love and we won’t want to do His work unless we love Him. Peter’s love was weak in John 21, but even weak love made him willing to serve by spreading the Gospel.
For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not. II Corinthians 8:12
Peter was willing to plant and water in his Pentecost sermon (1 Cor. 3:6[27]). God accepted what little Peter had and God gave increase to the church of about 3,000. Similarly, a man must admit that he loves his wife and convince her that he loves her. Without that, telling the lost God loves them won't work because they’ll see that his wife doesn’t think he loves her. If he does love her, he’ll be driven to serve her and care for her.
How can anyone believe what we say about God’s Love if they see that we don’t love each other or don’t love them? When lost people see husband and wife forgiving one another and passing God's love and grace back and forth, they want God’s love for themselves. God gave us the privilege of telling them how to get it.
If a man in your church loves Him enough to want to serve but doesn’t know how, have him help you! If serving is beneath him, leading is beyond him. God gives more to do as we grow. As with Peter, Jesus has begun a good work in Christians and He will perform it until the day He returns (Phi. 1:6[28]). Have you taught your people that they must admit to themselves that they love God in their hearts?
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
Lip service doesn’t spread the Gospel. God expects us to love Him with all our hearts. So do our wives!
Holy Matrimony Until Death is Vital to Society
Every stable culture helps men and women build safe homes where children can grow up to be productive adults. Every culture must raise most kids to be productive adults. If that doesn’t happen, society collapses.
Most American women act like it’s OK to have sex without marriage; many men are glad to do it. If a woman doesn't insist that a man grow up, get a job, and marry her before having sex, there's no reason for him to grow up, get a job, or to commit himself to taking care of her. Why did God ordain marriage?
And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. 14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:13-15
God didn’t receive their offerings or bless their society. Why not? Because men were divorcing their wives. Men and women come together so His servants can raise children to give Him more servants. In “Sex and Culture” Dr. Unwin wrote in 1914, “The sexual behavior of women before marriage is the decisive factor in cultural success. Men are mainly motivated by sex. If they can get it without marriage, they contribute less to society.” [29] He’s right about that - Jacob worked 7 years to marry Rachel because he wanted her.
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Caring for a family is a lot of work. A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough. If he can have her without marriage, however, marrying would bring a lot of trouble without giving him anything he doesn’t have. American welfare pays more money for each fatherless child, but stops her benefits if she marries. Fatherless mobs riot in America, killing and causing billions of dollars worth of damage.
Passion within marriage makes men work to improve their homes to make their wives happy. Dr. Unwin has studied more than eighty former civilizations; all societies which became sexually permissive collapsed.[30]
Older women are commanded to teach younger women about men (Titus 2:3-5[31]). God led my wife to explain that a husband’s goal is 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God doesn’t often give him that much strength, but that’s his plan. 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man “has humbled” a woman by having her. A girl understands that 5 times will wipe out her independence and make her belong to him. She’ll be upset until my wife reminds her that a she wants her husband to open his heart to her in open talk at least that often. Girls know that having a man open his heart makes him belong to her. Giving his life for her life is OK.
Opening her body makes a wife belong to her husband. Opening his heart makes him belong to his wife.
Marriage is so Simple that the Bible Explains Marriage in One Verse
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
· Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well for her.
· She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they had both made public marriage vows before he took her.
· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting him is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:2[32]).
80-90% of how a marriage works out depends on how a man treats his wife after they marry, but 80% of that depends on how high she and he set her value by protecting her virtue before they marry (Pr. 31:10[33]).
Most women want a man’s attention. Playing boy-girl games before you’re ready for marriage is like playing with matches and gasoline when you don’t want a fire. People aren’t toys. Dating before you're mature enough to marry can lead to serious emotional damage. There are three ways it can turn out, all bad:
1) You can break up. This hurts, but shows you can survive breaking up. This prepares you for divorce later.
2) You can marry before you're mature enough or have enough income. Mature adults have troubles with the duties and responsibilities of marriage, and marriage is much harder on younger people.
3) You can get involved physically without commitment to each other, which adds to the emotional damage.
If a couple “goes steady” before they’re ready to marry, their desires can easily become aroused. Those emotions must be reserved for marriage. It’s emotional fornication if they aren’t ready to marry. Emotional fornication often leads to physical fornication, which makes it hard to form loving marriages later. The teens and early twenties are a time for striving to learn what you must know to join the ranks of productive, responsible adults; it's not a time to wish you were already grown up. Isaac was 40 years old (Gen. 25:20a[34]) when he married Rebecca and had enough money to support her. That’s a husband’s duty.
Jesus spoke of His servants being obliged to do their duty to Him:
So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do. Luke 17:10
When God gives a woman to be a man’s wife, he must fulfill his God-given duty to nourish her and cherish her (Eph. 5:29[35]) by serving her (Mk. 9:35[36], 10:42-44[37]) as long as they both shall live. God expects her to serve him by being his help meet (Gen. 2:18[38]) reverencing him (Ep. 5:33[39]), and by guiding his house.
Isaac Supplied the Tent, then He Took Rebekah
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman like belonging to him. Marriage is wonderful enough to be worth the burden and responsibilities of marriage:
Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Pro. 5:18
Blessing her husband’s fountain whenever he’s ravished with her love is part of her marriage burden.
Some wedding vows say “to have and to hold.” The man marries to have her; she marries him so he’ll hold her. Naomi gave Ruth the best advice on getting marriage you’ll ever hear:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth brought it up, he thought it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. What if a woman gives a man rest outside marriage? Her value falls (Pr. 31:10[40]). What would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else? A woman shouldn’t play hard to get, she should be hard to get. It’s him giving his entire life for her life or not at all.
God offers healing to every women who’s fallen into sexual sin outside of marriage through repentance (1 Jn. 1:9[41]) and not doing it again (Jn. 8:11[42]), but healing the emotional damage can take much time and prayer.
He Took Her to Wife
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit. I Thessalonians 4:3-8
Some say that a man possesses his own body, but “vessel” in “the weaker vessel (1 Pe. 3:7[43])” receives. The man’s body gives; the woman’s receives. Man and wife are “one flesh” so there’s only one body.
A man sanctifies a woman, that is, sets her apart from all other women, by entering Holy Matrimony with her before taking her. How often do we hear of a man persuading a woman to fulfill his lusts by claiming to love her? Without the sanctification of marriage, taking a woman is sinful lust which God calls “fraud.” This despises God and God avenges this by denying the man most of the joy which God intended for marriage.
We know from news about dates gone wrong that being taken outside marriage can harm a woman badly and make her bitter. God gives a man his desire when he takes a woman through lying to her, but defrauding her brings leanness into his soul (Psalm 106:15[44]). Fraud followed by bitterness isn’t a good start for marriage. This can’t improve unless the man takes responsibility and confesses his sin to her and to their parents.
The Bible uses “took to wife (Gen. 26:34, 1 Ki. 16:31, 1 Chr. 7:15)” to show that the man married the woman before taking her. The chemicals a man puts in her body make her brain produce hormones that affect her mood. She becomes much more relaxed. She loses her sense of independence and wants to cling to him and belong to him. This can be frightening even if he’s made her feel secure, appreciated, and valued by marrying her before taking her and by opening his heart to her so that she’s confident he belongs to her.
If a man takes a woman outside marriage, she knows that he failed to protect her from his passions as Adam failed to protect Eve from the serpent. It’s hard for a woman to follow a man she can’t trust. He must maintain her trust after they’re married. If she says “ouch,” he should stop. Few actions undermine a marriage more than having a man convince his wife that he’ll hurt her when feeling physical desires.
Isaac Loved Rebekah
Older women can teach younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4[45]) because men are very much alike – what comforts one man will make most man feel loved, and it’s so simple that the Bible explains it in one verse (Song 8:3[46]). There‘s no formula for making a wife feel loved because women are so different from each other, but the Bible describes the result. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye, she prayed:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women can’t hunt or farm without machinery. On muscle-powered farms, wives depend on husbands for food. Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, and security in knowing that their husbands chose to value and appreciate them as taught in the Song. It’s hard for a wife to trust her husband unless she trusts God who told her to belong to her husband.
Watching any couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women experience this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can say he loves a woman and provide for her without giving his heart. God has the same problem:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
Naomi wanted each daughter to find a husband who poured his heart into nourishing and cherishing her. God isn’t the only one who loves a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7[47]) – wives also love cheerful giving. Consider the sports hero and the cheerleader, a story that happens over and over again in colleges and high schools. What was Delilah’s complaint against Samson?
And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
The woman in the Song is confident that her husband has opened his heart enough to belong to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t belong to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her? Why not get some cash and become a national heroine by selling him to the Philistines? What she did wasn’t nice, but who betrayed whom first?
Women share hearts all the time in helping other women bear the burdens of husbands, children, and guiding houses (1 Tim. 5:14[48]). They don’t know it’s as frightening for a man to open his heart as for a woman to open her body. Japanese say “One hair of a woman's head pulls harder than ten yoke of oxen.” Chinese say a man in love rides a wild horse. Many men are afraid to open their hearts for fear of being hurt or vexed:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare men. He may declare his love, but may not admit his love to himself. God says he can:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a
Isaac Loved Rebekah and then He was Comforted
Rebekah was able to comfort Isaac after he convinced her that he loved her.
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
His physical desire seems strange to her, so the wife asks her mother for advice about her husband:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather do something else is what submission means. She has far more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his sexual energy. That makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he'll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28[49]).
Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly. How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and constantly looked for things to appreciate instead? That is the essence of the Song. Jesus promised us rest:
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A bride takes on the yoke of pleasing her husband. He must live with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7[50]). He gets this knowledge by hours and hours of daily open-hearted talk. This opens his heart to her, makes his yoke easy and his burden light, and convinces her that he belongs to her as taught in the Song.
Courtship shows whether he trusts her (Pr. 31:11[51]) enough to truly open his heart to her and he finds out whether she respects him and honors him (Eph. 5:33[52], 1 Pe. 3:6[53]) in spite of his mistakes. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as his precious gift from God and she acts like his precious gift from God.
What To Teach Men
We’ve talked about what you need to teach your wives to teach other women; here’s what you need to teach men. Women are made for men (1 Cor. 11:8-9[54]) and a wife wants to please her husband (1 Cor. 7:34[55]). Around 90% of the success in a marriage is based on how a man treats his wife.
God gave your wife sensitive emotions so that she wants you to be pleased with her and so that she can tell if you’re pleased. God made her a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger or criticism she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex your soul to death (Jud. 16:16[56]), multiply unhappiness, and give your unhappiness back to you. If you give praise, appreciation, and love, she’ll multiply your happiness in her and fill your house with the light of your joy in her. Men reap what they sow to the woman guiding the house. A man must teach his sons to honor and appreciate their mother and sisters. If a meal turns into a kitchen disaster, for example, they must appreciate it, help clean up, and eat it, if only for the sake of the effort she put into it.
Most of the book of Proverbs is a father’s advice to his son. Chapters 2 and 5 warn men about non-virtuous women. Chapter 31 is King Lemuel’s words, “the wisdom his mother taught him.”
Pr. 31 wasn’t written to women, it was written to men. It tells a man what to expect of a virtuous woman. It’s easy to see if a woman is like that while courting. Mrs. Lemuel gave one command to men:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Mrs. Lemuel taught her son to praise his wife and teach his children to follow his example of praising and appreciating her. This teaches the “attitude of gratitude” which will bless them all their lives. Praise is partly to encourage his wife and partly to teach her children to respect her. If her daughters respect her, she can teach them how to be treasures for their future husbands instead of being toys. If her sons respect her, she can teach them how to be blessed by their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son.
Teach that nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Not once. Really? What about this?
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Job 2:9
Job’s wife lost seven sons who were her hope of being fed after her husband died – no pensions. Her husband lost his money and spoke of dying. He said she spoke “like a foolish woman.” That implied she wasn’t usually foolish, it was halfway a compliment. He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her.
But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: Ephesians 4:15
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
I want my words to be health to my wife so she’ll want to hear what I tell her. I say, “That didn’t work as well as we planned. What went wrong? Let’s learn to do better next time.” I say “we” because my wife tries to please me by doing everything the way I want it done. That involves me in everything she does.
Criticizing wives is unbiblical, period. Abigail criticized her husband Nabal to David in 1 Sam. 25. In 1 Sam. 25:34[57], David thanked her for talking him out of murdering Nabal. When Nabal died, David married Abigail immediately. God gives 2 rules for criticizing husbands: 1) Only to prevent murder 2) Criticize so sweetly that any man who hears you will want to marry you. If you can’t do it Biblically, don’t criticize your husband.
Today’s Young People like Short Sound Bites
Teach the men:
· Only praise. If a woman’s personality irritates him and makes it hard for him to keep his temper, should he marry her? We teach kids not to hurl angry words by age 2 or 3. Are you adult or child?
· When something goes wrong, take responsibility instead of blaming your wife as Adam blamed Eve.
· Open his heart. If he doesn’t trust her enough to open his heart, should he marry her? One of the rewards of opening his heart is that she will learn about him and figure out ways to please him.
· Listen to her advice. God made her to help him (Gen. 2:18, 20[58]); if he won’t listen to her and take her thoughts into account, she will be very unhappy and he will make more mistakes.
The Bible tells us twice that God values multiple sources of advice:
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Pro. 11:14
Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. Proverbs 15:22
A wife often knows things her husband doesn’t, particularly about children. It’s foolish for a man to ignore his wife’s knowledge and counsel when making decisions. Even if her ideas aren’t practical, her thoughts may stimulate his thoughts and help make better decisions. In our decades of deciding, it’s been rare that the first idea from either of us stands the test of the other’s knowledge. It can take hours of discussion to get all the facts, but the decision is usually obvious once everyone’s concerns are understood.
The benefits of knowledge sharing are great. That’s one of the ways God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11[59]) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24[60]).
The hardest part about parenting is persuading children that your ways are right. They may obey while living with you, but when they leave, they’ll do what they think is right. Unless you convince them that your ways are best before they leave home, they’ll do something else, to your sorrow, and a wife’s input helps.
Money
God planned that husband and wife should be each other’s source of contentment so they don’t need to spend money on toys. If they meet each other’s needs, they’ll have fewer financial problems.
Money is the best place for fact-based discussion. I grew up in Japan where heating oil cost $1 per quart; I kept my apartment in Boston, Mass. at 50F, that’s 10C. Before we married, my wife’s room had been over the boiler and was between 70 and 80 all winter, that’s 26C. We had a lot of expenses when we bought a house.
I listed monthly income and expenses when we got the November heating bill. I showed what we got after taxes. I showed all our expenses including mortgage, cars, phone, etc. I explained that the winter heating bills for December through February would be at double or triple the November bill. We’d barely make it.
She wanted a freezer. We had to save to buy it. “If you set the heat at 50,” I told her, “we can buy your freezer this spring. If we set it at 70, we can’t buy it until fall.” A dollar spent on heat was a dollar we couldn’t spend on her freezer. She wore heavy quilted men’s underwear, drank hot tea, and we set our thermostat at “way cool.” The freezer served us 30 years. I gave her a choice as God gave us free will.
3 years later, we scraped together airfare so I could take her with me on a business trip. She found a crystal vase she really wanted. We’d been eating in cheaper restaurants than my colleagues so I could pay for her food and mine from my daily meal allowance. This was before computers. It wasn’t worth the effort to add up all the meal receipts, so the company gave us a fixed sum for each day.
She knew that her air fare had left us in a bad position, but she wanted the vase. “If you buy groceries and eat in our room,” I told her, “my meal allowance can pay for your vase.” We ate a lot of tuna and the bread sometimes went stale, but we bought the vase. She still has it.
You know what you’ve spent. You know the coming bills and what’s coming in. Facts take the sting out of talking about money. Everybody has spread sheets; there’s no excuse not to have factual discussions. Once all the facts are on the table, the answer is usually obvious – “No, you can’t have it yet.”
Gifts and Talents
The Bible tells of a Master who gave His servants money to invest while He was away.
And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey. Matthew 25:15
When He came back, He wanted to know what His servants had done with what He gave. Two of them had done well and were rewarded. One did nothing with the gift and was punished. God’s gifts such as preaching, teaching, or music are His gifts to you. What you do with them are your gifts back to Him.
All gifts are conditional. Parents say, “You left your toy in the rain; you can’t play with it for a week.” The child abused the gift and lost the blessing. Second only to salvation, a wife is the greatest gift a man can receive from God. He is accountable to God for learning about her skills and helping her develop them. If he doesn’t, he’ll lose part of God’s reward (Phi. 4:17[61]) for using her gifts for Him.
Shortly after we married, I found that my wife had a fine singing voice. This was a surprise – I’d focused on other matters while we were courting. We bought a piano so she could practice singing. She has to do the work of developing her God-given gift, but I must make it possible, encourage her, and be sure she has time.
A man is accountable to God for helping his wife use her gifts to glorify Him.
Husband and Wife need Perfect Hearts
Salvation and marriage are alike. Salvation means that you die to your former sinful life to be born again into a relationship to Christ. You then belong to Christ and serve Him out of love for Him. The only way husband and wife can become one as God expects is for each of them to die to their former individual lives in favor of their new family. They then belong to each other and belong to God and serve each other out of love.
David’s heart was perfect with the Lord his God. He sinned, but he never worshipped anyone or anything else. All Israel came with one perfect heart to make David king (1 Chron. 12:38[62]). Husband and wife must enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Couples must keep their hearts perfect with each other all their days by never paying attention to anyone else as a man or woman.
Unmarried love is different from married love. The Bible tells men how to talk outside marriage:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
Men must be careful not to let talk slide toward the emotional and physical connections God reserves for marriage. Women must stop talking to a man who’s heading toward violating her emotional or physical purity. It’s OK for men and women to talk as long as they talk as persons and not as men and women.
A person-to-person conversation can stray toward man-woman. This is wrong if either party is married. If they’re single, the woman must decide whether they might marry and insist that he agree that the goal of being together and talking like that is to decide whether to marry. If he won’t agree, she should cut him off.
There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage. Men and women can converse as people by avoiding man-woman thoughts or emotions. Your spouse is the only person in the world whose gender should matter to you.
Man-woman talk is dangerous in work situations. You must please the boss to keep a job. It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much. This can lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with talk that does not meet God’s standards of purity.
God warns that men shouldn’t get physical with women outside marriage even if they don’t have sex:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
The Greek word for “touch” includes starting a fire. Would a man take his mother’s arm to keep her from falling? Of course. Would he try to get his mother or sister sexually aroused? Of course not.
Anything a Christian loves more than God is an idol. This is spiritual adultery. If a husband loves anything – job, hobby, sports, hunting – more than his wife, she thinks he’s in emotional adultery. A wife can let career, girlfriends, or anything else be more important to her than her husband. This, too, is emotional adultery.
Let’s Sum it up in a Few Words
God’s rules are simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Getting married is 4 words, “No sex until marriage.” Staying married is “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much as God expects us to praise Him; that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what He hasn’t given.
A man should be able to look his wife in the eye and say from the bottom of his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman. For God so loved me that He gave me you.”
When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior. We are commanded to follow God (Eph. 5:1-2[63]), so when you look on your spouse, you are commanded to see the purity and perfection of His son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.
God expects bride and groom to enter Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God, and with each other.
God gave us one plan for both salvation and marriage, and He gave us one love-based way to relate to Him, to our spouses, and to our fellow church members. We praise God in the same way we praise our spouses; we give ourselves to our spouses in the same way we give ourselves to God. When lost people see Christian couples sharing God’s love and God’s forgiveness, they’ll want some for themselves. Showing and spreading the love of God is how we turn the world upside down (Acts 17:1-6[64]). It really is that simple.
Chapter 2 - God Explained What Happened to Women After the Fall
God made both salvation and marriage. If we try to go to Heaven in our own way, we go to Hell when we die. If we try to do marriage our own way, we can make life Hell on earth, but if we do it God’s way, we can give each other a taste of Heaven, right here on earth. When lost people see Christian couples sharing God’s love, forgiveness, and grace, they’ll want some for themselves, and we can tell them how to ask God for it.
Our marriages are our most powerful testimony about the goodness of God. When lost people see that our marriages are no better than theirs, they know we can’t handle this life any better than they do. Why should they care what we say about the next life? Difficult Christian marriages and Christian divorce wreck our testimony and dishonor Christ. Pastors must teach how to build marriages.
It’s simple to keep a man happy. My wife teaches that a husband expects to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. He seldom has that much strength, but that’s his plan (Gen. 29:21[65]). “Simple” may not be "easy." It's simple to walk from Cairo to Cape Town - put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there - but not easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not just a stroll across a continent.
There is no joy this side of Heaven for a man like having a woman enjoy belonging to him or for a woman like having a man delight in nourishing, cherishing, and appreciating her. That’s what God expects of us.
The Foundation of Your Life: Is God Really Good? Christians say God is Good; Do They Believe It?
Your entire life is based on your belief in God. Are you convinced that following God’s rules blesses you and leads you to something perfect? Or will His rules block your freedom to find happiness in your own way? People say that God is good, they praise Him, but do they really believe that He is good?
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8 see also Mark 7:6[66], Isaiah 29:13[67]
We can’t know God without giving Him our hearts. Going to church without loving God is just religion. Taking a woman without loving her isn’t what God wants from a man, it’s just lust. Delilah asked Samson, “How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me (Jud. 16:15)? Same thing![68] How many men honor their wives with their lips without opening their hearts to them?
My wife and I have found great joy in marriage because we believe that God is good!
Head knowledge is what we know (2 Tim. 3:7[69]); heart knowledge is what we feel or what we are (Pr. 23:7[70]). Christians say God is good, but what they do shows that head knowledge hasn’t made it into their hearts. God’s creation “was very good (Ge. 1:31).” Gen. 2 and 3 explain the creation of mankind. The only thing that was not good was Adam being alone (Gen. 2:18[71]). Eve completed God’s very good creation.
Men complain about women instead of thanking God for marriage. Men say wives are too emotional and talk too much. The Bible says that a wife is a favor from God (Pr. 18:22[72]) and that God gives good and perfect gifts (Jas. 1:17[73]). A wife is a good and perfect gift from God to her husband. Do you believe that? If a man can’t see that the way God made his wife blesses him, that’s his problem, not God’s. Pray for wisdom!
Christians who truly believe that God is good know that God made men and women to give each other great joy. Others say God is good with their lips. They don’t believe it in their hearts so they complain about differences between men and women instead of being grateful for the differences that make marriage work.
The bride and groom want their marriage to overflow with joy. God is party to their marriage vows (Mal. 2:14[74]), He wants our marriages to be so wonderful that we shine a bright light to the lost. God draws hurting people to a church if Christians in that church are ready to point them at God’s Simple Plan of Salvation. Once they accept salvation, we must teach Christ so that we decrease and Christ increases in their lives. How can God draw hurting couples to a church unless married couples in that church are ready to point them at God’s Simple Plan of Marriage? Knowing how God made men and women to bless marriages is a good start.
Few Christian marriages work out as well as God planned. Given that all parties want it to be joyful, when a marriage isn’t good, something went wrong and something must change. It’s insane to keep doing the same things you’re doing and expect marriage to get better. The man is the leader, so fixing it is on him.
Moses warned that the Jews would lose everything unless they loved God with grateful hearts and gave thanks for everything He gave them:
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
The Jews didn’t thank God so He took the blessings away. A wife can’t comfort and bless her husband as God planned unless she knows she’s appreciated and loved as he loves God, page 25. Your wife can’t bless you fully unless she knows you love her with all you have. Scripture shows how to make marriage work.
Adam Failed to Protect Eve and Failed to Lead her Properly
Adam was created to care for the garden and to “keep it” which means to protect it. God formed Eve to help him after telling Adam not to eat from the tree of knowledge (Gen. 2:15-18[75]); she didn’t hear it from God. Eve added “neither shall ye touch it (Gen. 3:3)[76]” to what God said. Adam wasn’t deceived (1 Tim. 2:14[77]). In order not to have been deceived, he had to have heard what Satan said, he was there “with her” the whole time. Why didn’t he tell Eve not to talk to the serpent, correct her misquoting God, or tell her not to eat the fruit she wanted so badly? It was his duty to keep her, that’s why God blamed him (Ro. 5:19[78]).
Who misquoted God? Comparing Gen. 2:17 with Gen. 3:3 shows that Eve misquoted God to the serpent. Eve didn’t get it from God, she hadn’t been formed yet. Did Adam add to what God said? Ex. 19:10-11, 15[79] shows that Moses added “come not at your wives” to what God told him. Moses added to what God said. Did Adam? The Bible doesn’t say. Asking a man who misquoted God and learning why he believes what he says shows his attitude toward women.
The moment Eve touched the fruit and didn’t die, she knew that what she believed God had said was false. Adding to the Word of God or misusing the Word of God makes it easy for Satan to question the Word of God.
Everybody Sees how God Punished Adam
Instead of confessing his sin of eating the fruit, Adam blamed Eve and blamed God for giving her to him. She followed his leadership and blamed the serpent (Gen. 3:12-13[80]). To this day, many men blame their wives when things go wrong instead of accepting the responsibility God gave husbands for leading their wives[81].
Anyone who’s tried to farm, plant a garden, or keep a lawn understands God’s punishment of Adam:
Cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; 18Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; 19In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:17b-19
Adam wasn’t cursed, the ground was cursed. It’s hard to get rid of weeds. This punished Eve – women can’t farm or hunt without machinery. A woman had to please a man well enough to make him want to feed her (1 Co. 7:34[82]), or she’d starve. Over generations, that gave women a strong desire to be with men even though men cause women a lot of work, frustration, sorrow, and grief with occasional joy.
Some women understand why men do this. My grandmother visited after our first child. Her husband was harsh and dictatorial, she became a “steel magnolia,” feminine, but tough as nails. She asked when to expect a 2nd great grand. I spoke of cost, worry, and effort helping my wife through pregnancy and caring for a child.
She gave me “that look.” “Young man,” she said,” the pleasures of marriage you enjoy are God’s way of compensating you for the time, cost, sorrow, and work of raising children to serve Him (Mal. 2:15[83]).”
If a marriage isn’t as joyful as our loving God planned, the man must take the lead in fixing it.
Think About Eve’s Life in the Garden
She didn’t need a house - it never rained (Gen. 2:6[84]). They were naked; she didn’t need clothes (Gen. 2:25[85]). She could always find fruit to eat (Gen. 3:2[86]). Adam didn’t provide food, clothing, or shelter, God did that.
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. Genesis 3:7
The first thing they did after their eyes were opened was worry about clothes. Our multi-billion dollar fashion industry works because women care so much about clothes.
God made Eve not only to keep Adam from being alone, but to help him:
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18 Did Eve help Adam by working with him to sew the fig leaves? Or did they sew alone?
A wife’s need to help her husband wasn’t punishment; her strong desire to help was built into her from the beginning. After the fall, God’s punishments of Eve explain how women would get along with men. God told Eve what would happen to her and to her daughters, generation after generation:
Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
Greatly Multiply thy Sorrow Through Sensitive Emotions
Most women have more sensitive emotions than men do. Being sensitive helps women learn how to please husbands, but God multiplies sorrow to women because their feelings are easily hurt. The Bible says:
Every wise woman buildeth her house: Proverbs 14:1a
A woman’s emotions are the cement that builds her house. There’s no logical reason for a wife to pour her life into serving her family, women do this on emotion. Men, would you like to be married to you? Could you do what your wife does? How can women do what they do? Women build homes and churches through love and emotion, but they can’t unless they’re free to express their emotions and are appreciated for it.
God punished Eve by giving women a strong emotional desire to please men (1 Cor. 7:34[87]). Husbands rule through praise: women do more of what’s praised if they aren’t criticized. If all they get is criticism, they’ll do more of what’s criticized the most. God gave women strong emotions on purpose, it was not an accident:
a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
“Prudence” means thinking ahead; the way a woman’s mind works, that is, her prudence, is of the Lord. God made women think the way they do on purpose. The mixture of logic and emotion God gives a woman makes her want to serve her family and build her home while showing us how God’s love works, page 28.
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
Be wise. Keep your words healthful to your wife. Before our wedding, my wife asked that I never criticize her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more criticism hurts. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.” That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to make it hard for her to love me, so I watch what I say, page 35.
God multiplied conception. How many babies would a woman need to populate the earth if nobody died?
Thy Desire shall be to thy Husband
A woman desires to belong to a man whom she can please and make happy by fulfilling her drive to be with him (Song 1:2[88], 8:2-3[89],) just as a man desires to have a woman belong to him (Song 7:10[90]). Although Eve wanted to be with Adam enough to be OK with Adam claiming her and naming her (Gen. 2:23[91], 3:20[92]), God increased women’s desire to be with a man as part of His punishment of Eve. Men should treat their wives as precious, undeserved gifts from God who made women want to be with men, but not all men do. Warning!
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
A woman must never let herself fall in love or even get emotionally involved with a man until after he marries her. She’ll fall in love after he takes her to wife. 90% of how a marriage goes is determined by how a man values his wife, but 90% of her value to him is set by how she values herself before they marry. A woman sets her price by what she does. If her price is a few dinners, she isn’t worth much. Her price should be his promise to commit his life to caring for her until death by marrying her before she gives herself to him.
He Shall Rule Over Thee
Eve wanted to be independent instead of following God’s perfect leadership (Gen. 3:6[93]). God made her so that she would desire that her imperfect, sinful husband would rule her instead of God. He made her depend on her husband for food. Marriage should bring a wife joy (Song 8:2-3[94]), but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[95]). How happy does he want to be?
You’ve heard my wife’s simple “5 times” rule for keeping husbands happy. There's no simple way for a man to keep his wife happy because women differ much more from each other than men do. Men and women have the same need for belonging, but they express it differently. Men know what they want.
You want your wife to open her body to you. She wants you to open your heart to her. You want to put yourself into her body. She wants to put herself, that is, her words, her thoughts, her feelings, into your heart.
You leave your seed inside her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby. She wants to leave her essence, her being, in your heart where it affects your thinking about her, how you treat her, and how you relate to everyone else. People can see if you belong to each other by looking at you or hearing you.
Husband and wife should be “one flesh” as Adam and Eve were before God separated Eve from Adam’s body (Mk. 10:8[96]). A woman at work tried to attract me. “I was angry when you didn’t even notice,” she told me. “Then I realized, ‘Oh, he belongs to his wife’ so I went after someone else.” I’m careful to have women in my office meet my wife so they’ll know I belong thoroughly to her.
A woman read some of our material. “I was angry at how much you knew about me,” she said. “Then I realized you’re clueless, your wife told you how women think.” I had to listen and understand what my wife said in my heart so I could write about it. God gave me a drive to write about marriage. I’m clueless about the emotional side of marriage, so my wife has to help me. Although helping me takes a lot of her time, she likes my wanting her help and appreciating her help. People who know me at all know that a lot of what’s in our books came from her. Having her works praise her is one of the rewards of being a virtuous wife (Pr. 31:31[97]) but that works only because I want her help, ask for it, and make sure she has time to help me.
You need hours and days of back-and-forth talk or you can’t be one as Jesus expects (Mt. 19:5-6[98]).
A wife wants her husband to open his heart to her as often as he takes her and more. That’s how he gets knowledge of her as God expects (1 Pe. 3:7[99]). If he opens his heart as sincerely, as deeply, as patiently, as often, and as gladly as he expects her to open herself to him, she’ll know he belongs to her. Belonging to each other as taught in the Song (2:16[100], 6:3[101]) gives them both a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
Women open their hearts to each other all the time and don’t understand how scary it is for men. 1 Cor. 11:9[102] says that women are made for men. Men aren’t taught how scary it is for women to belong to men.
What God Expects of Women
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, I Timothy 5:14a
My wife had done enough babysitting to know that a job puts great strain on women. They have neither the emotional energy nor the time to raise their children. God expects a mother to give her children 3 gifts:
The first gift is putting your life on the line to give your child life. Death in childbirth is less common than it was but still happens. A pregnant woman walks the valley of the shadow of death out of love for her child.
Jesus created us knowing Adam would sin and that He would have to die to give us salvation. Mothers illustrate His love for us by wanting children enough to risk their lives; fathers should uphold, praise, and help.
The second gift is a husband with a strong emotional, financial, and duty-bound tie to your child. Although a man may have some vague knowledge of the birds and the bees in his head, down in his heart where it counts, a man doesn't really believe he has anything to do with making babies. Your baby is clearly yours - you had it last - but what has your baby to do with him?
Remember the old saying - "The time my father got me, his mind was not on me." What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? The only way to give your child a father is to belong to him thoroughly before you get pregnant. If you require him to commit himself by marrying you before you give yourself and then convince him that you belong to him by encouraging him to have you whenever he can, your child also belongs to him.
The third gift is the gift of a mother. Having risked your life to give your child life, having given up your independence by belonging to your husband, God expects you to give up your career and dedicate your life to nourishing and cherishing your family. Women with jobs have neither time nor emotional energy to be mothers. They can’t teach their sons how to be Biblical husbands or their daughters to be Biblical wives.
You must be content to live on what your husband earns, encourage him in his career, and mother your children. Proverbs 31 was written to men. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish, cherish, and bless his future wife. This teaching is mostly by example and it takes more time and energy than career women can supply.
By the grace of God, a very few single mothers are able to raise children successfully, but this is rare.
What do Women Desire from Husbands?
When we married, my wife’s job paid her expenses. Taking her to wife on our wedding night gave her a powerful feeling of belonging to me and depending on me. Losing independence was the most frightening experience of her life even though she knew that God wanted her to bear children and guide a house.
Two years later, she quit her job because our work schedules didn’t fit. Giving up her paycheck and depending on me was nearly as frightening as belonging to me even though God tells women to do it.
“In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread (Gen. 3:19[103]).” God gave no way for Eve to eat. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye when sending them back to their families to find husbands, she prayed:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
When wives depend on husbands for food, knowing that her relationship to her husband is strong and that he’s glad to feed and clothe her is important to a wife – she and her children could starve if he leaves.
A friend told me his dog growled when a puppy ate from his dish. “Kids are OK,” he said, “if they don’t eat off my dish.” When I told my wife, she said, “No! I want me and our children to eat off your plate.”
People see her eat off my plate. Women have said, “I wish my husband would let me eat off his plate.”
It’s hard to overstate how important it is for a wife to be certain that her husband values her and is pleased with her. She has to know him well in order to be sure that what she does will make him happy.
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
“According to knowledge” doesn’t mean to obey her, it means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, and feelings and think about her when making decisions. If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband always brings home chocolate, does he love her? Will she feel loved? The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation. This is scary for men, but there’s a reward – the better your wife knows you, the more easily she can please you.
Father her Children
Pr. 30:16[104] states that an empty womb is never satisfied. A woman desires children. Having been given children, she desires that their father want to stay with her and enjoy helping her raise them (Eph. 6:4[105]).
Naomi wanted Ruth and Orpah to have food, clothing, and shelter but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in constant reminders that their husbands valued and appreciated them as taught in the Song. A woman desires that her husband like feeding, clothing, and housing her and her children and that he delight in opening his heart to her and praising her for her help (Pr. 31:31[106]).
Watching any couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women get this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can say he loves a woman and feed her without giving his heart. God has the same problem:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8 see also Isaiah 29:13[107], Mark 7:6[108]
Naomi wanted each daughter to find a husband who poured his heart into nourishing and cherishing. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7[109]) – wives appreciate cheerful giving.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
Your wife took on the yoke of pleasing you when you took her to wife. Do you make it easy for her to learn of you? That’s a major reason she wants you to open your heart – learning of you lightens her yoke.
She Wants to Learn of You
Our church had a split; we needed new leadership. I was pondering my qualifications for church office.
Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well. I Timothy 3:12
“Wife,” I asked, “do I qualify, I don’t rule you, I hardly ever tell you what to do?”
“Yes,” she said, “you rule me utterly. Your ways aren’t natural to me, but we’ve talked enough that I know how you want things done. Just about everything I do, I know how you want it done and I do it your way.”
She served me out of love as Christ died for sinners out of love. Learning of me so she had confidence that I’d be pleased made my yoke easier and my burden lighter as learning what Christ expects of us makes His yoke easy and His burden light. I’d talked with her enough that she could follow me but not enough to realize how my ways ruled her. It hadn’t occurred to me that there was any other way than my way. That’s another reason for a man to talk enough for his wife to learn more about him.
We found cases where my way was a lot harder and wasn’t worth her extra work. Changing back to her ways lightened my yoke as she learned more of me. She’d always accepted my rule, but because I didn’t realize how much I was ruling her, my yoke wasn’t as light as it should have been.
Emotions Scare Men
Women share their hearts all the time in helping other women bear the burdens of husbands, children, and guiding houses (1 Tim. 5:14[110]). They find it hard to understand that it’s as frightening for a man to open his heart as his wife desires as for a woman to open her body as her husband desires or to follow him and depend on him as God desires. A man’s emotions are as powerful as a woman’s. Japanese say “One hair of a woman's head pulls more strongly than ten yoke of oxen.” Chinese say that a man in love rides a wild horse.
Emotions scare a man, and he must realize that his physical drives can scare his wife as much as her drive for emotional talk frightens him. Although he may declare his love to her, he may not admit his love to himself. Having created Peter, Jesus knew how Peter felt. Peter saw Jesus weep and grieve over the cities of Israel (Mt. 11:23[111], 23:37[112], Lk. 10:15[113], 13:34[114]). Peter did not want the sorrow of loving people and seeing them fall away so he hid his emotions from himself.
John 21:15-19 tells how Jesus asked three times whether Peter loved him. Peter finally admitted to filios, brotherly love. Did Jesus' questions make Peter love Him? No, Peter already loved Jesus – he wept bitterly when he betrayed Jesus (Mt. 26:75[115]) – but he didn't want to feel love, knowing how love can lead to sorrow.
If a man won’t admit to himself that he loves his wife, he can’t convince her that he loves her and she won’t be able to comfort him as he expects. Opening herself to him makes her more sensitive to his feelings about her. If she knows he values her skills, feelings, thoughts, and everything else about her, feeling loved more strongly makes her happy. She won’t mind being humbled and will rejoice in his delight in her. If she doesn’t think he’s pleased with her, she won’t want to be more sensitive to that.
A woman has a thousand thousand ways to avoid her husband’s desire, but the fault is often his. She can’t make him any happier than he makes her. A man finds happiness in marriage by convincing his wife that he loves her and that he’s truly happy to care for her and be with her. Words are cheap; love requires action.
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18
Serving your wife as Jesus commands (Mk. 9:35[116], 10:42-45[117]) shows love. That makes her happy which makes him happy. The Song of Songs starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
She likes getting physical because he appreciates her. Husbands and wives want to please each other:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
I talked to a woman who’d heard the word “Bible” but didn’t know anything about it. I told her it said a lot about men and women. She asked what, so I told her that the Word of God taught that women were made for men. She went blank for 30 seconds, then said, very slowly, “Yes, we are made for men.” More silence. She said, “And there’s not a thing we can do about it.” I said she had to take care which man she belonged to.
Women are made for men (Gen. 2:18[118]), so a wife generally cares more about pleasing her husband than he cares about pleasing her. Scripture warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13 b[119], 21:9[120], 19[121], 25:24[122], 27:15[123]) that an unhappy wife is a hardship; some say, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
This is not criticism of how God made women; it’s a warning to men. A man can command a woman, but he can’t make her like it. There is no joy this side of heaven for a man anything close to having a woman like belonging to him, so keeping a wife happy about choosing to belong to him is worth a lot of work.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
Men, don’t dry your wife’s bones. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wants to please you? She can’t please you if she doesn’t know what you want. The only way she can be confident of pleasing you is for you to open your heart often enough for her to learn your ways in detail.
When a woman finds she can’t please her husband no matter how she tries, we often see death in her eyes, even in photos. Men, if you want to be happy in marriage, be happy with your wife and convince her that you’re happy with her. That makes her happy. There’s no joy this side of Heaven greater than having your wife like belong to you, but convincing her can be difficult because women are so different. Learning how to praise your wife so that she feels appreciated is part of opening your heart to her.
Many men are afraid to open their hearts for fear of being hurt or vexed:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare men. He may declare his love, but may not admit his love to himself. God says he can:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a
After His disciples went fishing instead of starting the church (Jn. 21:3a[124]), Jesus asked Peter, “Do you love me?” three times (Jn. 21:15-17). Having created Peter, Jesus knew Peter wouldn’t want to admit his love because Peter had seen Jesus’ sorrow when Jews refused Him and went to Hell (Mt. 23:37[125]). Jesus didn’t make Peter love Jesus, but changing and admitting it to himself made him willing to spread the gospel.
For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not. II Corinthians 8:12
If a man won’t change to admit his love for his wife to himself, he can’t convince her. Being willing to love her and happy to learn how to nourish her will make her happy in finding rest in belonging to him.
Gen. 24:67 “Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent…” A woman desires a place to live and much else. Few men understand their wives many needs; few women have the words to explain. Discuss these Bible verses about a woman’s many needs on page 32 to see what she thinks.
Women see the Bible differently from men; her view helps open the mind of God. My wife saw David and Goliath as a story in human relations: David’s older brother criticized him for coming to the battle before asking why. He didn’t know David’s father had sent him. He’d seen Samuel anoint David to be King and trashed him anyway! He trashed his future king! How dumb can you get? I hadn’t seen that. She helped me see Ruth as a romance story: poverty-stricken widow goes to a strange land to find God, works hard, shows virtue, marries a rich man, and is in Jesus’ line. Her 6 rules for finding rest in marriage[126] still work.
Men Don’t Know Why Wives Can’t Give Comfort
Few men know that the Bible says four times De. 21:14, 22:9 and Ez. 22:10-11 that a man “has humbled” a woman by taking her. We now know that opening herself triggers hormones that change her brain.
God wants children to have fathers. God arranged that a woman wants to cling to the man who takes her. Humbling herself by clinging to her husband and serving him gladly helps her children have a father. The hormones of humbling make her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s pleased with her, feeling that more strongly comforts her as she sees how much he delights in her. If she has doubts about his love or feels criticized, being more sensitive to negative feelings will make her not to want to give herself. A woman has a thousand ways to avoid her husband’s desire, but it’s generally because she doubts his love for her. She won’t want to feel dependent on a man who refuses to belong to her. Such insecurities fuel many fights.
Opening herself to her husband takes a great deal of emotional energy, and opening his heart to his wife takes a lot of emotional energy. The Marriage Arch[127] shows how to recharge each other’s emotional batteries. A man wants his wife to yearn to receive his seed; she wants him to yearn to receive her speech.
Gen. 24:67 “and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.” Isaac didn’t just say he loved Rebekah, he convinced her that he loved her, and then he was comforted. Having a man think he’s told her of his love means nothing, has he convinced her? When we give the Gospel, we’ll tell a sinner that God loves the world. That’s true, but it does the sinner no good unless there’s conviction that God loves him or her. A man thinking he’s told his wife of his love, or fed her, or bought her a house, doesn’t convince her.
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can say he loves a woman and provide generously for her without giving his heart. My college roommate who was best man at my wedding had a serious heart attack. I spent hours in the waiting room with his wife and daughter. His wife was really angry –“How can he just die and leave me all alone?”
It seemed that she was tied to him, but when I told stories of what he and I had done in college, some of the jobs he’d had, and talked of his goals and ambitions, it was evident that he’d told her nothing of his past or where he was going. She had no idea what he was doing. How could she help him? She was frustrated.
His heart recovered a bit. Life went on, but his wife died suddenly in a car accident. He was devastated even though their relationship had been pretty empty and pretty rocky. A month or so later, my wife and I had coffee with him and his daughter. My wife asked, “Did she know how much you loved her?”
He said she’d known, but when he spoke of being sorry that they’d had a quarrel before his wife drove off to her meeting and died on the way back, his daughter exploded, “She didn’t know! You never told either of us you loved us!” He thought providing for them proved it. He was surprised to find that it didn’t.
Another attack killed him a few months later, 35 years to the day after he was best man at our wedding. The call came during our anniversary dinner. As his executor was cleaning out his house, we bought the bookcases he and I had made before he’d married. His daughter had lived with them her entire life but had never been told he’d made them. He was typical of what some women call “island men.” It’s like they live off on a remote island all by themselves without any emotional connection with anyone else.
I understand the Apostle Peter’s desire not to admit his love for Jesus. He wanted no part of the sorrow Jesus had felt. I not only had the sorrow of losing my friend, I had the sorrow of knowing he’s probably gone to Hell and the sorrow of knowing the sorrow he put on his wife and daughter because they didn’t feel loved.
I knew why he didn’t open himself to them, however. It was so scary for me to open my heart to my wife after we were married that I remember vividly the moment I realized just what opening myself to her would mean. I did this by faith; it was years before I began to see just how important this was to her. My friend wasn’t a Christian, he didn’t know God, so he didn’t know that God expected him to trust his wife.
Seed and Speech are a Man’s and Woman’s Form of Communication
Women communicate heart to heart; men communicate belly to belly. It’s a sacrifice for a man to talk as much as his wife needs. It’s a sacrifice to meet a husband’s needs. She thinks he wants to do the same old thing over and over. He thinks that she wants to talk about the same old thing over and over. God expects a man to open his heart to his wife often enough and thoroughly enough that they learn each other’s needs:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
If a man fails to honor his wife by listening to her enough to know how best to nourish and cherish her, his prayers are blocked. This can take a lot of talk. Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
We were not on the same page. We weren’t in the same chapter. We were in totally different volumes! That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! We’d talked a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. The Holy Spirit led her to tell me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant from her point of view.
That’s probably the only reason I was willing to open my heart to her after we were married.
I had no idea how vital this was. A woman can’t follow or obey unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy and helps her understand his praise.
A wife’s need for talk isn’t fulfilled until she’s OK. A man’s need to be physical isn’t fulfilled until he’s OK.
God made women think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[128]). It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying or for her to understand him well enough to be sure of pleasing him. If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to talk enough for her to feel that I valued her mind. If I hadn’t appreciated her thoughts, she wouldn’t have been able to help me write about marriage. A happy wife makes her husband as happy as he made her; making my wife feel appreciated makes her happy and her help benefits me greatly. This draws us together and makes us one in Christ.
Opening my heart was scary, but Pr. 31:11 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her. The Bible teaches women to call their husbands “Lord.” It helped that she’d call me “Sir” as the spirit moved her. That gave me confidence that she respected me even when I made mistakes. That made it easier for me to open my heart and show my love for her.
I wrote a letter, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you.” If a man can look his wife in the eye, tell her that, mean it, and live it, the marriage will most likely work.
If you want to be happy in marriage, be happy enough to convince your wife that you’re happy with her.
Marriage in Two Words
Marriage can be explained in one minute, see page 26. This section explains marriage in two words.
Salvation is two words, “only believe (Lk. 7:50[129]).” God’s rule for a man and woman coming together is three words, “only in marriage.” Staying married is two words, “only praise.” This can be hard for people who weren’t taught the love, joy, and peace which come from Christ, but people learn as they grow in Christ.
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. I want my words to be health to my wife so she’ll want to hear me. I say, “That didn’t work as well as we planned. What went wrong? Let’s learn to do better next time.” I say “we” because she tries to do everything the way I want it done. That puts me in all she does.
When you die, people will remember the very last thing you said. Don’t say anything which wouldn’t please you as a last memory of you. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything, not ever.
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, / Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit / Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, / Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” ― Omar Khayyám
I was making an appointment. The young lady saw that I treasured my wife and asked how long we’d been married. When I told her 52 years, she wanted to know how we did it. I gave her “only praise.” Her eyes bugged out. “That’s hard!” she complained. “What do I do if I’m really upset at him?”
“Are you an adult or a child?” I asked. “We teach kids not to lose their temper, not to throw angry words at each other by the time they’re 2, age 3 at the latest. If you aren’t grown up enough to keep your temper, are you grown up enough to marry?” Following Christ leads you to grow in grace so that you can do this.
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 5:1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; Ephesians 4:32-5:1
Jesus expects us to follow after God. God sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ because His blood has washed away your wife’s sins. You must look on your wife as God sees her.
Christ is our example for how we treat each other. He answers prayers even before we ask. A husband should know his wife’s needs well enough to meet them before she asks.
Marriage is simple: Believe in your heart that God is good and that He made men and women so that we can work together to build joyful marriages. “Only praise,” open your hearts to each other, and follow God by seeing each other, treating each other, and talking about each other as perfect (Song 4:7[130]). That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage. Nothing else works as well.
Chapter 3 - Thou Shalt Love the Lord Thy God
God’s command “love the Lord thy God” is in scripture 14 times! This shows the logic of God’s plan for us. Choosing to love Him as He commands helps us serve Him better. Couples who strive to love and serve each other as they love and serve God will give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
Paul prayed “that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment (Phil 1:9).” Pray that God will make your love abound for Him, your family, your church, and the lost. People who see your joy in loving each other and loving them will want God’s love for themselves! Any group or society based on loving God and each other as He commands will bring joy to everyone who joins in loving God.
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment. Matthew 22:37-38
And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway. Deuteronomy 11:1
And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul, 14That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil. Deuteronomy 11:13-14
For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him; Deuteronomy 11:22
Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 13:3
If thou shalt keep all these commandments to do them, which I command thee this day, to love the LORD thy God, and to walk ever in his ways; then shalt thou add three cities more for thee, beside these three: Deuteronomy 19:9
And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
In that I command thee this day to love the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest live and multiply: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in the land whither thou goest to possess it. Deuteronomy 30:16
That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them. Deuteronomy 30:20
But take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul. Joshua 22:5
Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the LORD your God. Joshua 23:11
Loving God with your soul is mentioned 8 times, walk in His ways 4 times, love with your mind 3 times, strength twice, might once, and so on. God commands us to choose in our minds to give more than just our hearts. We’re expected to love God with everything we have! This is a deliberate, practical choice. Deciding to love in this way binds couples together with God, with each other, and with the church.
Explaining Marriage in One Minute
You can explain both marriage and salvation in 30 seconds. Parents spend years getting kids into good colleges but not much time, talent, toil, or treasure teaching them how to have good marriages. We don’t expect kids to drive without being taught, how can we expect good marriages without teaching?
Nobody deserves salvation; every person is a sinner who deserves to go to Hell (Rom. 3:23[131], 5:12[132], 6:23[133]). If you accept salvation, God gives you the gift of eternal life (Rom. 6:23b). God doesn’t see your sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12[134], I Cor. 6:11[135]).
God and His Son see you as perfect (Eph. 5:25-27[136], Rom. 8:1[137], 1 Ki. 8:61[138], 15:14[139], 2 Ki. 20:3[140]).
Accepting Jesus’ free offer of salvation makes us servants of Jesus Christ (Ps. 100:2[141], Rom. 1:1[142], Tit. 1:1[143]). We belong permanently to Jesus (Jn. 10:29[144], 1 Cor. 6:19[145]), serve Him out of love (2 Cor. 5:14-15[146]), and strive to walk in good works as Jesus taught (Eph. 2:10[147]).
God expects us to serve spouses, families, and churches (Rom. 12:10[148], Eph. 4:12[149], 5:21[150], 1 Pet. 5:5[151]). Focus on God through Christ. What God does is perfect; serving Him by serving your spouse is a perfect calling (Mk. 9:35[152], 10:42-45[153]). Focus your eyes on your perfect God, not on fallible people (Phil. 2:1-8).
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in a Half-Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
Eph. 4:31-32[154] tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:10-12[155], Is. 43:25[156], Heb. 10:17[157]). When God washes away our sins (Heb. 9:14[158], 10:19-22[159]), what’s left is perfect and without condemnation (Rom. 8:1[160], 15:13[161]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God sees us as perfect, so we must follow God and see our spouses as perfect.
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, say your spouse is perfect for you, and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6[162]). Marriage prospers if the husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17[163]). He’s to love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29[164], Song 4:7[165], 6:9[166]) as perfect, she’s to obey him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33[167], Col. 3:18[168]) even though neither of them deserves the other!
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in One Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
We must love God with perfect hearts. “Love the Lord thy God” is in the Bible 14 times (Deu. 6:5, 11:1, 11:13, 11:22, 13:3, 19:9,30:6, 30:16, 30:20, Joshua 22:5, 23:11, Mt. 22:37, Mk. 12:30, Lk. 10:27)! 1 Kings 11:4 and 15:3 speak of David having a perfect heart with the Lord his God. David sinned, but he never turned from worshiping God to worshiping anything else. Faithfulness and repentance kept his heart perfect with God.
God expects us to keep our hearts perfect with Him and with each other. We must not let our hearts stray toward anyone else or anything else (Job 31:1[169], Song of Solomon).
As David was perfectly confident in God and rested in what God gave him, we must learn to rest content in each other and in what God gives us (Ruth 1:9a[170], Mt. 11:28[171], Phi. 4:11[172], 1 Tim. 6:6[173], Heb. 13:5[174]).
Love God by loving your spouse; serve God by serving your spouse, praise God by praising your spouse is simple, but “simple” isn’t “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat ‘til you get there – but not easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a stroll across a continent.
Groups of God’s people in a local church should act with hearts as perfect as David’s:
All these men of war, that could keep rank, came with a perfect heart to Hebron, to make David king over all Israel: and all the rest also of Israel were of one heart to make David king. I Chronicles 12:38
The people agreed with one perfect heart that they wanted David as their king. God gave us one way to relate to Him, that is, with perfect hearts and never go after other gods. Husband and wife must both have perfect hearts with God. Both must have perfect hearts with each other and never go after anyone else.
As God graciously gives His salvation to those who earnestly seek Him (De. 4:29[175]), He graciously gives the blessings of marriage to couples who seek Him and enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. “Holy” means “set apart to the Lord for His purposes.” Holy Matrimony belongs to God, not to us. There is no vow in salvation; marriage vows are the most solemn, binding vows any human can ever utter.
As we work out God’s salvation in fear and trembling (Phi. 2:12b[176]), we work out God’s gift of marriage as we mature, grow, and learn. David never lost his salvation, but his sins took away his joy:
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:12
Salvation belonged to God and not to David. He knew that God would faithfully restore his joy in God’s salvation once he restored his relationship with God through repentance and confession (1 Jn. 1:9[177]). Be prepared to confess to one another and forgive one another to restore your joy in marriage (Jas. 5:16[178]).
God Demonstrates His Love Through Women
It’s hard to understand how a Holy, perfect God can love wretched sinners like you and me (Ps. 8:4[179], Heb. 2:6[180]). God knew that, so He gave us mothers to show every one of us how His love works.
Mom and Dad taught me what I needed to know to accept Christ as my Savior when I was in 2nd grade. I loved Jesus because He loved me enough (Ro. 5:8[181]) to accept the punishment for my sins – taking the punishment for my brothers’ sins was hard for me to think about.
I was 14 when I saw the difference between true Christians and fake Christians. I had to choose as Joshua and Elijah chose (Jos 24:15[182], 1 Ki. 18:21[183]). I decided that I really did love Jesus, so I couldn’t be friends with the fakes. Every Christian must choose whether to follow the crowd or to stand for Christ (Eze. 22:30[184]).
Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough to create us anyway!
It’s hard to understand loving us enough to die for us before we were born. God shows us by having mothers risk death to give life. Before modern medicine, a woman had about a 98.5% chance of surviving a pregnancy. Without birth control, women had so many pregnancies that 1 woman in 8 died in childbirth.
Every girl knew someone who had died in childbirth. Every girl knew that she would walk the valley of the shadow of death for each child (Gen. 35:18[185], 1 Sam. 4:20[186]), yet women wanted to marry and bear children (Gen.30:1[187], Lk. 1:25[188]) anyway. Women want children badly enough to risk death; Jesus wanted the pleasure and glory of creating us so badly (Rev. 4:11[189]) that He chose certain death before creating everything!
Jesus knew He would weep when people He loved wouldn’t accept His offer of salvation (Is. 53:3[190], Mt. 23:37[191], Lk. 13:34[192]) and that He would have to die to save us from our sins, yet He created the world which led to my birth anyway. I was born before antibiotics could fight childbed infections. My mother gladly risked her life to give me life and did it again and again for my brothers. That’s the woman’s part of Gen. 5:1-2 “in the likeness of God made he him,” when “he [that is, God] called their name Adam” to include Eve.
Your mother risked her life to give you life, shed her blood in painful labor to birth you, then labored to keep you alive; Jesus died to give you more abundant life (Jn. 10:10b[193]) followed by life eternal (Mt. 25:46[194], Jn. 4:36[195], 12:25[196], 17:3[197]). Thank them both.
Let your mother know you appreciate her wanting you in spite of the peril and pain she’d bear giving birth to you (Pr. 31:28-29[198]) and thank your wife for being yours. Then thank Jesus for creating you in spite of knowing that He would have to die to take the punishment for your sins (Jn. 15:3[199]).
What did you do to earn Jesus’ giving His life and His blood (He. 9:12, 22[200]) to pay the penalty for your sins and my sins? Nothing. There is nothing we can do to earn salvation (Is. 64:6[201], Ro. 3:10[202]), it is an undeserved gift of God (Eph. 2:8-9[203]) He died to give us life because He loves us (Eze. 33:11[204], Ro. 5:8[205]).
If someone gave you a gift, would you hand over money to pay for it? That would refuse the gift. Trying to get to Heaven by being good, being religious, going to church, tithing, doing good deeds, is not only impossible (Ro. 3:11[206]), trying to earn your way into Heaven blocks you from accepting Jesus’ offer of salvation from your sins (Gal. 5:4[207]). You’re trying to pay for a freely-offered gift whose price is far more than you could ever pay.
What did you do to earn your mother’s risking her life to give you life and then pouring her life into keeping you alive and teaching you how to behave as an adult? Nothing. She risked her life before she knew anything about you. She gave her life freely based on the emotional drives God put into her and looked forward eagerly to your birth as she felt God forming you within her womb (Is. 49:5a[208]).
Some mothers harm their children. God didn’t want that, it’s because of the sin which came into the world when Adam refused to confess his sin and would not ask God to forgive him. God asked Adam, “Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat (Gen. 3:11)?”
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
God doesn’t change (Mal. 3:6[209]). God would have forgiven Adam if he’d confessed. Instead of admitting his sin, Adam blamed Eve for giving him the fruit and blamed God for giving him Eve!
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
God told Adam to keep the garden (Gen. 2:15), which meant to protect it. Gen. 3:6 says “she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.” Note two important words “with her!” “Adam was not deceived (1 Ti. 2:14),” so we know that he heard what the serpent said. People forget that Adam was there with her the entire time! Why did he let the serpent deceive his wife? Why didn’t he protect his wife whom God had trusted to his care?
Be realistic, men, blaming your wives when things go wrong won’t help you any more than it helped Adam, you are the leader, so it’s on you. God designed women’s minds and hearts carefully so that a mother’s love for her children usually illustrates His love for us, His children. Adam’s sin brought so much sin into the world that a few mothers fail to love their children as God planned.
We’ve seen mothers reject children when men reject mothers after getting them pregnant without marriage. Women blame the father even though they wanted children and stopped taking birth control pills without telling him. Such mothers often reject a child who looks or acts enough like the father to remind her that the child’s father sinned against her by taking her without marriage even though she wanted his baby.
Even if the father stays with the woman, he may resent the child because the mother got herself pregnant by stopping her pills without his agreement. The mother got a baby, but at what cost?
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
In several cases we know, the father accepted later children when he’d agreed to be a father. Even years later his resentment of his oldest and his acceptance of his younger children are evident to anyone who knows the family. What could we say when relatives asked why kids were treated differently?
Parents’ breaking God’s rules about sex brings leanness into their souls. This comes from the birth control pill. Before the pill, a man knew that if he came together with a woman, he’d be a father within a year. The pill lets couples “play house” instead and pretend that God doesn’t care that they’re breaking His laws.
If a woman’s on the pill, a man feels she expects to have sex, so why not with him? If she isn’t on the pill, she can say “No, I’ll get pregnant. Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.” That’s taught in Gen. 24:67[210]. If a man’s offer to a woman doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical. If he can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her and discard her. God hates that!
God made men possessive to help give children fathers. If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman, she chooses to belong to him, and encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she becomes pregnant, her children also belong to him. If she’s not his, the kids are hers, and she can look after them herself.
God's love and God's salvation are undeserved gifts of God. Most mothers show how His love works. We should love Him because He first loved us (Ro. 5:8[211]). His love should drive us to serve Him as He requires (2 Cor. 5:14a[212]). God never bullies us into obedience; He always lets us choose whether to obey His commands or not. He yearns for obedience (De. 5:29[213], 30:9-10[214]), but He never forces us. The choice is ours.
The Apostle Paul wrote that we work to spread the Gospel because our love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes us do it. We serve Him because our love for Him pushes us to want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouses should push us to do whatever we can to please him or her. If lost people see married Christians working to please each other out of love, they’ll often ask how we handle problems the other person causes. That gives us a chance to talk about God’s love and God’s forgiveness. God forgives us, so God expects us to forgive other people in the same way He forgave us.
God Tells us How to Build Joyful Marriages
A bridge built on wrong ideas about steel and concrete will fall. Like steel and concrete, women and men have different strengths and weaknesses. You can push hard on concrete, but it breaks if you pull on it. You can pull on steel, but pushing makes it bend. As steel and concrete become one in a reinforced slab which has the strengths of both, the forces God created to hold couples together form a one-flesh unit that stands strong against the pressures of life. When men and women use God’s forces wrong, their union is weakened. A marriage based on wrong ideas about men and women will suffer or fall. Here are some facts:
· A woman wants babies. It doesn’t matter what she says, her basic nature comes out if she’s happy with her husband. If women didn’t want babies, there wouldn’t be any babies given birth control.
· A man wants to throw a woman on his horse, ride off, take her, and possess her. He may try to hide his possessiveness, but his basic nature shows itself, particularly after they’re married.
Women are smaller than men and weaker than men. The Japanese character for “man” combines characters for “field” and “strength” because a man provides strength in the field. “Strength” means to “press down and control, to get the upper hand.” God made men strong enough to feed and defend women who don’t have to be as large or as strong. Women can stay home instead of going hunting or farming. Using less food to feed muscles gives women more energy to make babies and take care of their families.
Why God Made Men and Women Think So Differently
God made males and females think differently to help us be fruitful and multiply. Instead of trusting that a loving God He created us to bless each other, women complain that men are too possessive, too controlling, and can’t find anything in a refrigerator. Men complain that women are too emotional and talk too much.
Very few people can explain their thought processes. This article[215] discusses the different ways male and female brains work to help couples talk about how they think. Understanding draws them closer.
Discussion Points
These verses explain what women desire. Discussing them helps dwell according to knowledge of her as God commands (I Pe. 3:7[216]). In drawing closer to God by discussing His Word, you’ll draw closer to each other.
Present – a woman expects to be treated as a gift from God
(Pr. 18:22[217],
Ec. 9:9[218],
I Col. 11:9[219],
Ge. 2:18[220])
Prayer – she expects him to lead in prayer which brings wisdom (I Thess.
5:17-18a[221],
Ps. 127:1[222],
Jas. 1:5[223])
Provision – she expects him to provide food, clothing, and shelter for
her and for her children (Gen. 24:67[224])
Protection – she expects protection from his passions, her emotions, and
from all external threats
Procreation – she expects him to appreciate her children as her finest
gift to him (Ps. 128:3[225])
Paternity – she expects him to be emotionally, financially, and
logically involved in helping her raise her children (Pr. 19:18[226],
Pr. 23:13[227],
Gal. 4:1-2[228],
Eph. 6:4[229],
Heb. 12:7[230])
Pleasure – she desires physical pleasure from him (Song 1:2[231],
8:2-3[232])
She expects him to enjoy talking with her and to take pleasure in opening his
heart to her (Jud. 16:15a[233],
Pr. 31:11-12[234],
I Cor. 7:3[235])
Praise – she desires that he appreciate and praise (Pr. 18:22[236])
all of her efforts on behalf of her family. She expects him to teach her
children to praise her and appreciate her (Pr. 31:28-29[237])
Partnership – she expects him to share the responsibility of educating,
cleaning, raising, and guiding her children (Gal 4:1-2[238],
Eph. 6:4[239]).
She expects him to draw on her help to advance his career (Mt. 27:19[240]).
Participation – she wants to know everything he does, to be involved in
all decisions, and to use her gifts to bless him (I Cor. 7:34[241]).
Patience – she expects him to spend as much time as it takes talking to
her enough to know her (I Pe. 3:7[242])
Peculiarity – he should know and rejoice in her unique, feminine
peculiarities, to delight in how God made her different from all the other
women in the world (Pr. 19:14b[243],
Song 6:9a[244])
Perception – she expects him to understand and appreciate her gifts and
to enjoy her unique way of thinking and expressing herself (Pr. 18:22[245],
James 1:17[246])
Pleased – she cares deeply that he be pleased with her (I Cor.
7:34[247])
Plan – he must explain where he’s going clearly so that she can follow
him in confidence that she’ll please him. She can’t follow if she doesn’t know
where he’s going; she can’t obey if she doesn’t understand
Persuasion – she wants him to teach her and gently persuade her (Ro.
14:5[248],
14:23[249],
II Cor. 5:11a[250],
Phi. 1:9a[251])
instead of just commanding without discussion
Part – she expects to be a vital part of his life, to be the axle on
which his wheel of his life turns, to be the tail on his kite, holding him
steady as they soar together (I Cor. 11:3, 9[252],
Mt. 19:6[253])
Place – she expects a place to live, a place in his life, and a place in
his heart (Gen. 24:67[254])
Peer – she isn’t his peer, she needs him to appreciate the ways she and
he are different. The world says that men and women are the same; the Bible
says they are not (Gen. 1:27[255],
Matt 19:4-5[256],
Mark 10:6[257])
Peace – she expects him to rule gently (De. 28:56a[258])
so that her heart can find rest in being his (Ruth 1:9a[259])
Potential – she expects him to fulfil his potential in serving God,
better himself throughout their married life, and help her better herself to
fulfil her potential (II Tim. 2:15[260])
Purity – she expects him to value and guard her purity both before and
after marriage (Pr. 31:10[261])
Privacy – she expects him to value her thoughts and to keep the secret
thoughts of her heart to himself (Pr. 11:13[262],
20:19[263])
Perfection – she expects him to treat her as a perfect wife (Song 4:7[264],
James 1:17[265])
Passion – his desire should be towards her and towards her alone (Song
7:10[266])
and she expects to delight in it (Song 1:2[267],
8:2-3[268],
Pr. 5:18-19[269])
Possession – she expects him to belong to her and she to him (Song 2:16[270],
6:3[271]).
We know how a woman shows that she belongs to her husband. How does a man
convince his wife that he belongs to her?
A man expects the “three warms,” a warm heart, a warm bed, and warm meals (Gen. 29:21[272]).
Chapter 4 – Having Answers Before and During Marriage
God ordained both salvation and marriage. If you try to get to Heaven your own way, you go to Hell when you die. You’ve seen people do marriage their own way and make life Hell on earth, but Holy Matrimony done God’s way gives husband and wife a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth. Let’s explain how!
Yea, all of you [the entire church which includes all married couples] be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5b
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
Hear the pain in God’s voice! This came after God plagued the Egyptians so that they drove the Jews out of Egypt, parted the Red Sea for them, gave them water from a rock, and they worshipped a golden calf!
You can’t separate God’s love from His holiness. His love makes Him want to bless us, but His Holiness means He can’t unless we keep His commandments! You can choose to follow Him or go your own way:
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
God put very strong desires into men and women so that we’d pair up in marriage to give Him children:
Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm 127:3
Women drive marriage and civilization. Pres. Reagan said, “If it weren’t for women, men would be swinging clubs and sleeping in trees.” A responsible man works hard caring for his car, boat, or whatever matters to him. Without a wife, a man would sleep in a cave or in his truck. If his wife chooses to belong to him, he spends great effort caring for her. The need to make a wife happy and comfortable drives civilization.
He’ll marry and care for his wife if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way she’ll let him have her, but if she lets him have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have?
[Holy Matrimony where spouses choose to appreciate and serve each other] greatly increases the chance for a child to be raised in a nurturing two-parent home, which studies have shown provides a child the most advantageous environment for growing into his or her potential.[273] [emphasis added]
Scripture tells how to do this. “The words of King Lemuel, the wisdom his mother taught him (Pr. 31:1).” When husband and wife both work, they have neither time nor emotional energy to teach sons to nourish and cherish wives. A woman must be ready to explain why she wants a man to follow God’s plan of marriage.
Give Your Spouse Enough Rest to Feel Safe in Marriage to You
Naomi gave the foundation of marriage when she hoped her daughters would find rest with new husbands:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
On our very next date after my wife agreed to marry me, she asked that I never criticize her. “Your opinion of me will be very important to me. I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more your disapproval will hurt me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
She had a point – nowhere in the Bible does a husband criticize his wife, see page 96. I don’t want to keep her from loving me. I watch what I say so she can feel safe and find rest in loving me. Scripture tells how:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. Proverbs 31:26
People who love each other can be hurt badly by unkind words. We try to be sure our tongues are health.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 4:31-5:2
Our sins have been washed away. When God looks on my wife or me, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (1 Cor. 6:11[274]). To be a follower of God, we must see each other and think of each other and speak of each other as having the same perfection that God sees in us by His grace.
This makes it safe for me to rest in loving her. Men don’t want to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt. Jesus sent His disciples out as God had sent Him and gave them the Holy Spirit (Jn. 20:21-22[275]). Peter led them to go fishing instead. Jesus fed them and then asked Peter “Do you love Me?”
Peter had seen Jesus weep. He knew that if he let himself love the lost as Jesus had, he would be hurt when people he loved chose not to accept the gospel. Having created Peter, Jesus knew that Peter loved Jesus. Jesus’ questions didn’t make Peter love Jesus, but forced him to admit to himself that he loved Jesus. Admitting his love for Jesus made Peter want to please Jesus; he spread the Gospel for the rest of his life.
I understand Peter because my dad never admitted to himself that he loved my mother. He said he did:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
He never appreciated the work she did to support his ministry. The hardest thing about being a missionary wife is that learning enough of a foreign culture to share womanly feelings is far more difficult than learning enough to spread the Gospel. When my wife tried to talk about raising me, my mother had felt so unloved and had had so little conversation that she’d forgotten how to do woman-talk. She spoke of leaving my dad.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
Feeling neither loved nor appreciated dried my mother’s bones. She thought dad would leave her when she was diagnosed with cancer, but he took early retirement and cared for her until she died. She finally knew he loved her, but by that time it was too late. She died at 62; her mother lived into her nineties. Given the choice of living 30 more years feeling unloved or dying knowing she was loved, she’d have chosen early death. Being convinced of being loved and appreciated is life to a wife. Don’t dry your wife’s bones.
Our care to have the law of kindness in our tongues makes it safe for us to love each other. Our love for Jesus makes us want to please Him by loving each other and serving each other. We strive to make our home safe for everyone’s feelings, emotions, and hurts. That makes our home safe for us and for our children.
When a woman wants a man to change, she should find a way to make her point without saying anything. Some say, “A woman can’t change a man by loving him. He changes himself when he loves her.” God says:
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation[276] of the wives; I Peter 3:1
That means without saying anything. When we married, I’d lived 9 years in non-family situations. When I tracked mud into our house, she grabbed a rag and silently wiped up behind me. I quit doing it.
She was frustrated when I put the quilt on our bed wrong – both sides looked the same to me. She decided I really didn’t know which way was up and told me where to put the tag – that solved the problem.
I’ll say, “That didn’t work out as well as we expected…” Note the “we.” She does most things to please me so I’m part of all she does. My taking responsibility means I’m not criticizing her when things go wrong.
When you die, people will remember the very last thing you said. Never say anything which wouldn’t please you as a last memory of you. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything, not ever.
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, / Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit / Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, / Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” ― Omar Khayyám
Before marriage, a couple should agree that anyone who must leave to avoid saying something harmful will be back within 24 hours. We know a couple who didn’t have this agreement. When she had to leave soon after marriage and didn’t say she’d return, he thought it was over. She came back after a few hours of cooling down, but he never got over his fear that she’d abandon him. Men are more sensitive than they’ll admit.
Helping each other feel safe during all the frustrations of life is a challenge. Office conflict costs so much that conflict avoidance has been studied a lot. Here’s some guidance for avoiding conflict in marriage[277].
Answers for the Lost
God expects us to be ready to explain our joy this life[278]. If people see the fruit of the spirit[279] in us, they may ask why we have more hope and more joy than they do. God gave us the honor of laboring together with Him. We plant and water[280] by telling people how to find the joy of the Lord[281].
God expects couples to dedicate their lives to serving Him by serving each other and their children. As a Christian, you should be convinced that God loves you, He wants your life to glorify Him, and He created your spouse to bless you. You’ll find the keys to a joyful life in His word, so read it!
Society once supported marriage. It was illegal for a man and woman to live together without being married and divorce was very difficult. All states have passed no-fault laws so that either party can walk away for any reason or for no reason. It’s easier to get out of a marriage than to get out of paying for a refrigerator.
Romans 7:4[282] uses the word “marriage” to describe the relationship between an individual Christian and Christ. Holy Matrimony is a picture of the unbreakable bond between Jesus and each of His believers. Lost people see unhappy Christian marriages and divorce. If we can’t handle this life any better than they, why should they care what we say about the life to come? Divorce damages our children and our testimony.
A bad marriage shows the misery of Hell, but God wants every marriage to show the joys of Heaven. John 3:16 sums up salvation in one verse, can you give one verse which shows how marriage works? See page 4.
Churches must teach us to thank God for His Simple Plan of Marriage. Older women must teach young women about men[283]. Older men must teach young men to honor, praise, respect, and protect women.[284]
Our Answers
My mother taught me John 3:16 so long ago that I can’t remember not knowing it:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
Jesus died on the cross to take the punishment for my sins, and His blood washed all of my sins and shame away. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was in 2nd grade, but I had no understanding of the Christian walk. I realized in the spring of 1961 that my 10th grade classmates were going where God didn’t want me to go. I vividly remember choosing not to go their way and I’ve tried to follow God’s path ever since.
My wife accepted Christ about the same age I did. Her father started her helping teach Sunday School when she was 12. She remembers sanctifying herself to go God’s way in 12th grade. We both knew that God was good, that God loved both of us, and that God gave us the Bible to bless us if we chose to follow it.
My wife always wanted to be a wife and mother. She knew that Titus 2:4-5283, Eph. 5:22-24[285], and Eph. 5:33326 told her to obey her husband. She had faith that obeying God would bless her even though she couldn’t understand how. She saw that she had to find a man whom she trusted and respected enough to obey, who was going where God wanted her to go, and who would help her glorify God along with him.
Men, it’s hard for a woman to respect you if you aren’t respectable. How can your wife honor you if you aren’t honorable? She can’t obey you if she doesn’t understand what you want; she can’t follow you unless she knows where you’re going and unless she trusts you. Here’s a problem: God made men and women think very differently, for good reason. Women often have a hard time understanding a man’s thinking or his plans.
Some men say that women are too emotional to understand men, but “a prudent wife is from the LORD (Pr. 19:14b).” The exact mixture of logic and emotion that God gave each woman is from Him. A man’s wife needs a lot of explanation. He must explain his plans. No matter how much longsuffering it takes!
And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; II Timothy 2:24-25a
This is for all Christians, not just for husbands, particularly the part about “in meekness instructing.”
Parents and Churches Must Teach Holy Matrimony
Society has abandoned marriage, so we must teach how it’s done. Society claims that men and women are have the same needs. In addition to teaching young women how to love husbands, older women must also teach what women are! Knowing God’s plan for them helps girls remember the right answers to give men.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
What do babies do when anything goes wrong? Scream for mommy. Toddlers run and find mommy. A child knows that daddy’s wife is a Good Thing; daddy should know it and proclaim it to everyone.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12
There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
Daughters must be taught that getting attention from men without setting boundaries leads to trouble:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
God multiplied sorrow to women by making them sensitive to how men treat them, and He strengthened a woman’s desire to be with a man as a punishment. Girls must be careful about getting involved with men:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
A woman shouldn’t let herself get emotionally tangled with a man until after he marries her.
Jesus told us that men marry, women are given in marriage. A wife is a gift to her husband:
They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, Luke 17:27a
In a church wedding, some old guy comes in with the bride. What’s he doing? He says that he and her mother are giving her to her husband. That’s OK, but a wife is also a gift from whom? From God:
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11 This is worth repeating:
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
A wife is a good and perfect gift from God to her husband. Honor her for being a woman with emotions!
1 Peter 3:7 commands giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A woman who involves herself with a man takes on the yoke of pleasing him. Will he make his yoke easy and his burden light by helping her learn of him? She can’t please him without knowing his wants in detail.
Ladies, you must first know what you are: God’s good and perfect gifts to your husbands, and insist on it.
Advantages of a Meek and Quiet Spirit
Women must also be taught to behave modestly to avoid unwanted male attention. Modern society teaches girls to dress in revealing clothes and to flirt to attract attention from men. That’s anti-Biblical:
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3:3-4
In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. I Timothy 2:9-10
Society teaches women to act like toys. Godly behavior is the opposite of flirting, dressing in “marketing mode,” or giving signals that tell men “come play with me.” If you aren’t giving it away, don’t advertise.
Ever watch a boy play with a toy truck? He pushes it one way then another way until he gets tired of it. Then he throws it away and grabs another toy. It’s wrong for a man to stir up a woman’s emotions by playing with her, but many men play with women when women let them or advertise their availability.
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[286]
When Magic Johnson talked about having AIDS in 1991, I read that women dressed in low-cut spandex and lined up outside locker rooms. Athletes would come out, choose a toy from the lineup, and go off to bed.
How could a woman give herself to a man who didn’t even know her name? A reporter interviewed some of the women. Their general feeling was, “We are nothing and will always be nothing. But when we’re in bed with a hero, some of his greatness rubs off on us.” How sad that these women hadn’t been taught that God created them to be His treasured gift for one man, not sex toys who wander from man to man.
“. . . love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[287]
“. . . the inability to bond after multiple liaisons is rooted in the fact that our behaviors actually physically change our brains. The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals.”[288]
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9300). Giving herself to a man binds her to him. Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly. Breaking up can make it very hard for either of them to form a strong marriage later.
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[289] [Because women are made for men; men aren’t made for women.]
The book “Unprotected” by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman https://a.co/d/fIG4k9d confirms that casual sex is very damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 students for depression and other emotional problems at a university, she wrote that a woman can become very depressed when she finds that her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex. Most women associate sex with permanent commitment; men not as much.
The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are “designed” to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter.[290]
Men Don’t Always Respect or Honor Women
Sinful men pervert God’s gift of attraction between men and women and may rape or murder just to get pleasure from a woman. Sarah was so beautiful that Abraham had her say that she was his sister because he feared he’d be murdered when he traveled to Egypt during a famine (Gen. 12:10-20). Sure enough:
The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house. Genesis 12:15
Pharaoh didn’t ask if Sarah wanted to come into his house. Adam didn’t ask Eve whether she wanted to be called “woman (Gen. 2:23)” or “Eve (Gen. 3:20).” Nobody asked Esther whether she wanted to belong to King Ahasuerus (Est. 2:8[291]). David didn’t ask Bathsheba if she wanted to date him (2 Sam. 11:4[292]).
Isaac traveled to Gerar to flee a famine. He was afraid that men would murder him to have Rebekah and told her to say she was his sister. The local ruler wasn’t happy about being deceived:
And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us. Genesis 26:10
Rape would be only a light moment of pleasure because Rebekah had no right to her own body. She was married, however, so her rapist would have been guilty of a property crime against her husband.
The Bible isn’t alone in describing a man’s natural attitude of taking rape lightly. “The Sexual Assault Case That Shook Ancient Rome”[293] explains:
A prominent politician was accused of raping a 12-year-old actress—in 54 B.C. The way his legendary lawyer dismissed it speaks volumes about how we prosecute these crimes now. . . .
It was more than 2,000 years before the #MeToo movement, but a scene similar to the ones we’ve witnessed so often lately was already playing out. A prominent politician was on trial for corruption and bribery, charges bolstered by dirt his enemies had dug up from his past: the violent sexual assault of a young girl.
Those charges of corruption and bribery were a serious matter, but to the men in the court, the rape charge was nothing. It was harmless boys-will-be-boys misbehavior — something half the men there were guilty of themselves. [emphasis added]
Women must be taught to be careful. Women complain about “rape culture” but put themselves in danger by getting drunk. If a woman leaves her purse in a convertible with the top down, is it a surprise if someone steals it? People shouldn’t steal and men shouldn’t rape, but should women be careful?
Treating sex as play harms women. A woman should be valued for far more than sex. Being treated as a toy and discarded can make it hard for a woman to trust a husband enough to give herself to him as freely and as joyfully as he and God expect.288
Women need Answers when a Man Approaches
God helped us a lot as my wife and I courted and married. We understood the basics from Bible reading and attending church, but we missed two major ideas. We made two bad mistakes that could have damaged our marriage, but God protected us because we’d involved Him. More on that later.
A woman needs answers when a man’s interested in her. A year before I found her, my wife thought she’d marry her boyfriend. He was a youth group leader and served in the church, but he could be very negative. Some weekends were wonderful because she liked spending time at church with the man she loved. Other weekends were awful because he tore her down. She never knew how their time together would go. She became timid and introverted, not wanting to say anything for fear of being criticized or corrected unkindly.
Her parents had always loved her and encouraged her. She’d been an outgoing person before she met him. They were worried at seeing her become withdrawn and uncertain from being around him.
Finally, she asked God if she ought to marry him. To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”
Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit brought a missionary who knew his family. He said her friend had a critical spirit and there was no way she’d be able to make him happy. When she asked her boyfriend about it, he huffed, “That’s the way I am. If you don’t like it, good bye!” so she stopped seeing him.
What was her mistake? She hadn’t guarded her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
She let herself fall in love with a man without asking God! Our heartfelt emotions drive what we do:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 32:7a
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. Matthew 15:18
Our hearts define what we are, but we’re supposed to rule our emotions:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Having learned why she should let God direct her (Pr. 3:5-6[294]), she asked God to choose her husband.
A year went by and she wanted to marry. She prayed, “Oh God, please, send me a husband or make me content without one.” One day, as she opened her hymnbook, she felt that she’d been seen by a man behind her. “Is this my husband?” she thought. She was thinking of marrying me before she even saw me!
She felt my interest in her. This “situational sense” is how God protects women from bigger, stronger men. Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” https://a.co/d/4t8Ik2u describes women who were robbed or raped. They said they felt uneasy, but told themselves not to be silly and kept walking. His book says to pay attention when we feel something’s wrong and discusses ways to tell which fears are real and which are not. A woman can see into a man’s heart if she looks (Judges 16:18a[295]). Many ignore God’s gift for protecting women and refuse to look because they’re afraid they might see something negative and have to call it off . . .
We talked for an hour or so after church, then I told her I was going to date her. I didn’t ask her, I told her. Way back then, women’s lib told women not to follow any man; I needed to know if she’d take direction.
For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:45
If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all. Mark 9:35
A man must lead a woman by serving her, but that works only if she’s willing to follow, see page 86.
She knew I was taking command. Wheels turned behind her eyes 15-20 seconds. She heard God ask, “Who’s going to choose? You or me?” so she gulped and said “OK.” She gulped even though she wanted to date me and was pretty sure God planned to give her to me. Having seen her friends hurt badly by men, she knew that getting involved with a man would have a profound effect on her life. She’s not alone.
Rebecca veiled herself before meeting Isaac (Gen. 24:65[296]). It wasn’t the custom to veil or Isaac wouldn’t have told her to say she was his sister (Gen. 26:7[297]). Why did she veil? She knew Isaac’s plans would have a strong effect on her. All she knew of Isaac was that he was a relative who could fling the bling (Gen. 24:53[298]). She hoped to find rest in marriage to him. Covering herself gave her a little space.
Her Terms and Conditions
I asked my future wife to lunch at the next opportunity. She said “Yes,” but as we were leaving church for the restaurant, she gave her real answer. “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not just looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should marry. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”
Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart. When a woman lets herself fall in love with a man who isn’t willing to marry anyone, she’s crusin’ for a brusin’; she’s in for a world of hurt.
When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me to pay her way. In the past, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn’t marry unless he’d grown up enough to have a job. Even back in 1971, many women lived with men without marriage, paid “their share” of the rent, and became “friends with benefits.” She was letting me know she wasn’t going to do that.
When God told Adam he’d eat by the sweat of his face, God made no provision for Eve to eat. Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without machinery; the Chinese character for “man” combines “field” and “strength” because men provide strength in the field. For generations, a woman starved unless she could please a man enough for him to choose to feed her. The Bible sums up marriage in one verse:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
She made the same points. She expected me to pay, she expected marriage, she expected me to treat her as a treasure, and she planned to be a treasure. Rebekah knew Isaac loved her so she was able to comfort him. A woman can’t comfort a man unless she feels loved. A woman can’t create much love, but she multiplies all the love her husband gives her and fills her house and church with love and light.
She re-emphasized marriage by telling me she wasn’t a toy. She’d seen her friends get involved with men who didn’t see anything wrong with sex outside marriage even if the woman wasn’t willing, see page 40.
God made women for men (Gen. 2:18[299], 1 Cor. 11:8-9[300]). A woman who loves a man puts on the yoke of pleasing him (1 Cor. 7:34[301]). She needs a man who’s naturally pleased with her the way God made her.
When a man says he loves a girl, he means he wants her to open her body to him. Men think the birth control pill means a girl plans to have sex. This makes it hard to say “No,” so she shouldn’t take it. She can say, “We can’t do that, you’ll get me pregnant. The pill has dangers so I’m not taking it. No sex unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.”
Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that’s why men want women. I was attracted to her, I liked talking to her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband! I didn’t know she had no idea what being my treasure meant, but I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me. If she meant that, I’d be a fool not to marry her. I said, “Sure,” and we went to lunch.
The Course Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth - William Shakespeare
On the way to the restaurant, I did something very Japanese that made her angry. She could have gotten in her car and driven home. If she’d done that, I’d have been badly hurt and we probably wouldn’t have married.
She thought, “This guy’s smitten with me. He didn’t offer to buy me food to make me mad.” Instead of showing anger, she gently asked why I’d done it. When I told her, she liked my reason. She saw that there would be many such issues, but she could trust me to tell her why. When I opened my heart to her as Boaz opened his heart to Ruth the day they met (Ruth 2:11-12[302]), she knew that we’d be OK if I told her why. Her assuming I didn’t want to anger her got her a husband. Assuming good faith is a key to happy marriage!
“I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be mistaken!” – Oliver Cromwell
Putting Marriage on the Table
Was it Biblical to mention marriage first? Boaz saw Ruth daily as she gleaned (Ru. 2:23[303]), but Boaz didn’t think of marriage. Once she gave him the idea, it was such a good idea he rushed out and married her.
Get marriage on the table immediately. If a man won’t agree to consider marrying a woman who plans to be God’s treasure for her husband, there’s something wrong with him and she shouldn’t waste her time.
Answers While Dating
She’d asked God to choose her husband. Knowing that I didn’t know how to nourish and cherish her, the Holy Spirit led her to tell me about herself. This was of God because I understood what she said. After we married, her mind works so differently from mine that it took me a year to begin to understand her own thoughts.
On our second date, she told me she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night. She’d asked God to protect her years ago, now she asked me to help God protect her. I knew God commands purity so I was OK with this. My classmates were casual about sex. It was a good thing the Holy Spirit told her to remind me that God expected me to protect her from the moment we met until the hour of my death.
How Would I Rule Her?
She saw I could rule her when I said we’d date, but she wanted to know how I’d rule. Our third date was at my apartment with my roommate. She did something I told her not to do. She said, “You can’t stop me.” Ladies, if you challenge a man, he’ll be tempted to react physically. This puts you at risk. We didn’t understand the danger. I carried her upstairs to the shower and let her know she was asking for a soaking. “I don’t have any other clothes.” It was summer; the clothes she was wearing would dry in a few hours.
She said, “I’ll behave,” so I never turned the shower on. I didn’t yell; I didn’t hit her. She knew I’d rule gently so it would be safe to promise to obey me. She rested in following me and started saying “Yes, sir” as the spirit moved her. Resting in me changed her body language so much that at our first visit to her parents’ house the next week, her mother thought, “She’s calm. She feels safe with him. They’ll be married soon.”
Challenging me wasn’t a good idea, but we didn’t know any better. She’d accepted God’s guidance but that didn’t keep us from making mistakes along the way. I hadn’t thought enough about dating to know how else to deal with her challenge. A friend of ours locked his wife out in the snow until she agreed to get with his program. Was that a better idea? Servant leadership works only on the willing; could she follow me?
Protecting Her Purity
We had no idea how important purity is to Holy Matrimony, but we found out why God had her tell me how much it meant to her. My desire for her had been building since we met. She’d made purity important so I played things very cool for weeks. We knew fornication was wrong; we were saving ourselves for marriage.
She was put off because I was so aloof. She was about to marry me, she was about to commit her life to me, and she wanted to know I loved her and that I wanted her badly enough to stay with her. She looked at me with a peculiar look and said, “You’re acting so cold and aloof, I’m not sure you really want me!”
This 2nd ill-advised challenge blew me away. Not knowing any better, I reacted as a man. I was doing my best to keep us pure, and she didn’t know I wanted her! There are times when there’s nothing you can say to a woman, there are times when the only way to convince her is with action. I put my arms firmly around her and kissed her thoroughly, just like romance stories, I put a burning kiss on her upturned face.
I didn’t know that kissing could trigger her desires. We hadn’t understood God’s warning:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
“Touch” carries the meaning of kindling her or arousing her. Having had no instruction in that area, I had crossed God’s line without understanding the danger to our future happiness. Some tell younger women not to kiss because it may give him ideas. That’s utterly wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When both parties have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
“From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws couples together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.”[304] [emphasis added]
She relaxed for a few seconds, then struggled, then went limp. I finished kissing and looked at her. She was stunned. She was panting lightly; her face was flushed. I picked up her hand and it flopped down to her side, she was limp. My kiss had set her off, her hormones were in charge; she was mine for the taking.
I then did the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’d had ideas since the moment we met. That kiss worked on me, too, I was no longer cool or aloof, I wanted her as badly as she wanted me to take her, but I backed her up until she sat down in a chair, I backed up to another chair, and sat down to get my breath.
After a few minutes, she said, “Wow, you really do want me!” I said, “Yeah, but we better get out of here,” and we got. We were never, ever alone again until after our wedding.
She told me what happened. She said, “I felt a falling sensation, that’s when I struggled, then I was lost. You could’ve done anything you wanted with me, and I couldn’t have done anything about it. I couldn’t yell, I couldn’t struggle, I was yours.”
That’s how date rape happens, a man rubs her or kisses her for a few seconds at the wrong time, and she’s his. The man will say “she wanted it.” She may have wanted it, but so what? Eve wanted the forbidden fruit and Adam, whom God told to protect (keep) the garden (Gen. 2:15[305]), failed to protect her from her desires.
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited. We had to talk through our disagreements. We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[306]
How can a woman follow a man or obey him when she knows he failed to protect her from his desires or from her desires? If he took her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women? If she gave herself without marriage, how can he trust her? Studies show that’s not a good foundation for marriage.
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex”[307]
There is a cure. The man is the leader so he must apologize to her, to her parents, and to God. If she enticed him, she also must apologize to him and to her parents. Then God can cleanse them (1 Jn. 1:9[308]).
Being Confident She’s Wanted
A woman wants to be sure that a potential husband wants her badly. If she’s attracted strongly enough to a man to consider spending the rest of her life with him, she wants him to be absolutely nuts over her. She knows that the time will come when she's got the flu, she's pregnant out to here, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she's too sick to do anything about it. If he's really smitten with her, he'll stick around and help her through it instead of running off. But how does she know?
Before the welfare system existed, a father knew that his daughter and his grandchildren could starve if her husband abandoned her. Prospective bridegrooms among the Fulani tribesmen in Nigeria had to prove their manhood and their desire for the woman by submitting to a severe flogging.[309]
And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. 17And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Joshua 15:16-17
Othniel wanted Achsah badly enough to risk his life in battle. Legends tell us that knights in the Middle Ages performed daring deeds to win a lady’s favor, a concept rooted in the chivalric code.
“To be a great knight, you ought to have consideration of civilians, for women,” Wollock says. “The greatest knights are inspired by the love of some lady out there and want to impress her and win her love by doing great deeds.”[310]
Women always want to know, but challenging a man physically isn’t a safe way to test his desire. Her father or other male relative can measure his commitment when talking with him, page 71.
Talking is More Important to Wives than Men Can Imagine
The Book of Esther shows how badly wives want to talk to husbands. King Ahasuerus had an empire-wide beauty contest for a new queen. Esther won and became queen. When Haman conspired to murder all the Jews, Esther’s uncle Mordecai asked her to talk to her husband to try to stop the slaughter. Esther replied:
All the king's servants, and the people of the king's provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or women, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live: but I have not been called to come in unto the king these thirty days. Esther 4:11
Ahasuerus “loved Esther above all the women (Esther 2:17)” but he ignored her for a month. Wives really want to talk to their husbands. Suppose the king told them not to come to his office. When a king’s wife tried to come in to talk to him, would a guard get physical with her to keep her out? Not if he valued his head.
The only way to keep his wives from trying to talk to him when he hadn’t called was to threaten them with death! That is how badly wives yearn to talk to husbands. Proverbs 17:22 teaches, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” Not being able to talk to her husband dries her bones.
Some say, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.” Opening his heart enough to love a woman’s soul takes so many days of talk that a man can’t belong to more than one. Instead of having one woman enjoy belonging to him, Solomon had 1,000 unhappy women under his roof. No wonder his soul was empty (Ec. 7:27-28[311]).
Why did David want Bathsheba when he had so many wives? Because he hadn’t taken the time to open his heart to any of his wives enough to love her soul. He wasn’t satisfied, so he lusted after Bathsheba.
I didn’t know that, so the Holy Spirit had my wife-to-be explain. Shortly before our wedding, she told me she was looking forward to being married. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I really like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
What??!! That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. As she got marriage on the table, as she asked me to focus my attention on her alone, as she made me responsible for protecting her purity, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our coming marriage covenant.
I had no idea how vital this was. Let’s just say that a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.
God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[312]). It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can begin to understand what a woman is saying. If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to open my heart to her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.
Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31:11 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open my heart to her. Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me makes her mine. The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife should belong to each other. God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and all that talk made me hers.
I was really put off by the idea of so much talk, but the Holy Spirit’s timing was perfect – I couldn’t contain:
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:9
That weekend her mother told me, “There’s so much to do. We may have to postpone the wedding.” I told her she could postpone the wedding, but I wasn’t going to postpone the honeymoon. She got it done.
When she saw us after the honeymoon, she asked if I’d learned how to handle her daughter. “Yes,” I replied. “With both hands!” A woman must be taught that her husband plans to handle her with both hands.
My eagerness to marry her in spite of asking for all that talk illustrates Naomi’s advice how to get married:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Sex has always defined marriage. A woman may guide a man’s house without marrying him, we have housemaids. A woman may raise a man’s children without marrying him; we have nannies and teachers. A woman may feed a man without marriage; we have cooks.
A woman can work with or for a man. A man and woman may do just about everything together without being married, but there’s one thing tradition and God say they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex. As Naomi told Ruth, desire followed by commitment followed by sex defines marriage.
Jacob worked for Rachel’s father for seven years. He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked together, and did things together. Why wasn’t this enough for him? Why did he want to marry her?
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Jacob wanted to marry so he could have sex with Rachel; God and custom required marriage before sex.
Many women give a man rest without insisting on marriage. If he can have her without marrying, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t already have? There’s an old saying, “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that zing!” A man will marry if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her.
Talking the Way a Wife Needs is Difficult for a Man
Men and women speak in such different ways that it’s difficult for them to understand each other[313]. Wives, opening his heart to you whenever you want to talk is as hard for a man as your opening your body to him whenever he’s able to have you. The Bible tells women to submit to their husbands. Doing that when she’d rather do something else is what submission is. God gives a very explicit command to husbands:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
Jn. 1:1[314] says that God is His Word. Ps. 138:2[315] says that God values His word above His Name. If a Christian doesn’t love the Word of God, does he love God? If a man doesn’t love his wife’s words, does he love her? Will she feel loved? This means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, feelings, and think about her when making decisions. If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband brings home chocolate, will she feel loved? The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation. There’s a reward – the better his wife knows him, the more easily she can please him.
This can be very hard. My wife’s sister’s husband died and she flew to the service celebrating his life. She told me about it on the phone and on the way back from the airport. She told a friend at church sitting close enough that I heard it all. She then told me everything she’d told her friend. She went over this very emotional experience at least 20 times. She felt differently about it each time, but to me, she was talking about the same thing, over and over. I had to care about it each time in spite of being bored. That’s hard.
God is just. My wife thinks I want to do the same old thing over and over. It’s new and different to me each time, but to her, it’s the same. “Again? Didn’t we just do that?” God expects us to value each other’s things (Phi. 2:4[316]), but it takes hours and days of back-and-forth, question-and-answer to know what they are.
My son’s wife asked about church policy. It took 45 minutes of question and answer for me to understand her question because she thought so differently from my wife. It took 15 minutes to explain my answer. After another 10 minutes, it turned out that my answer was wrong. We worked out the right answer together.
There is no way a man can spend that much time learning about more than one woman. Obeying God’s command for a husband to know his wife means that he can have only one.
Why Our Purity Was Important
Serving God by belonging to me cost her far more than she had expected. My wife knew that God told Eve that her desire would be to her husband (Gen. 3:16[317]) and she knew that women are made for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[318]), women must think about those passages. She thought God meant that she’d want to get married. She’d wanted to be a wife and mother all her life; she thought she understood what God had in mind.
Nobody had told her what to expect. She didn’t know that God had worked on her hormones so that she’d really be mine. A few hours after our wedding, she was shocked at how strongly she yearned to belong to me. My taking her to wife had deeply changed her feelings. She’d expected to love me, but she was shocked to lose her sense of independence as God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me.
Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate. Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship. She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can’t make herself separate. This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive.[319] [emphasis added]
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man humbles a woman by taking her, that’s part of the cost of a man in her life. A wife should choose to humble herself in marriage as Jesus humbled Himself on earth:
And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 4:8
Humbling herself by belonging to her husband and serving him gladly helps her children have a father, but my wife’s strong feeling of belonging to me made her feel she was falling through space. Losing her independence was the most frightening experience of her life. She couldn’t sleep!
Her mind wanted her to run and get back her independence, but instead of running, she went in the next room and cried out to God, “Oh, Lord, what have I done, I let this man take me, now I belong to him!”
Then she prayed, “God, I asked you to stop me if he wasn’t right for me, and You didn’t.” She knew God was faithful. All her days, she’d prayed that God would work on her heart to make her the wife He wanted her to be. This feeling of belonging to me didn’t make sense, nobody had told her about it, but such a strong feeling from within her had to be God working on her heart as she’d asked Him to do. She finally prayed, “Lord, You must really want me to belong to him. If that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.” Having chosen to humble herself by belonging to me, she came back to bed.
Years later, she thanked me for not taking her before the wedding. “You gave me your grandmother’s ring,“ she said, “and you promised before God and both our families that you’d take care of me, and I was still terrified. If that had happened before you’d committed yourself to me, I’d have had to work hard to turn off that part of my feelings, and I might not have been able to turn them back on.”
I Serve God by Serving You
24 hours after our wedding, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me talking was important to her, so we talked. “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “Neat-o! We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for God because He told me to. I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
The next day, I said, “God wants me to lead you and take care of you. The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all. If I’m to lead you as God wants, I have to lead you by serving you. You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
Marriage, like salvation, is an undeserved gift of God. The only way to be saved is to repent, die to your former life, and be married to Christ (Ro. 7:4[320]). A husband won’t deserve his wife’s submission, his wife won’t deserve his giving his life to nourish her; those are undeserved gifts of God’s grace. God expects married people to serve Him by serving each other, their children, and their church.
Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh. The only way two people can become one is for each of them to die to themselves in favor of their new family. Each must give the other the same love and grace God gave in salvation (I Pe. 4:10[321]). As Christ chose to love you regardless of your sins, you and your spouse must choose to love and serve each other no matter what ‘til death do you part.
As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect; you can only do this by the Grace of God. Watching her husband love her in spite of her failures increases her love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa (II Cor. 5:14a[322]). When lost people see a couple give God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace, and we have the privilege of laboring together with God (1 Cor. 3:9[323]) to tell anyone how to get it.
Salvation is about God giving – for God so loved that He gave. My wife so loves God that she let God give her to me, I so love God that I let God give me to her. Our love for each other flows from our love for God.
Men and Women See Marriage Differently
A healthy man can make love 3-4 times per day, sometimes 5 or 6, but his ability drops with age. Learning what being my treasure meant taught my wife to tell a young lady that her husband plans to have her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. That’s how she’ll choose to serve him. That makes a woman angry.
My wife then points out that she’ll want her husband to open his heart to her at least that often. That’s how he chooses to serve her. A girl somehow knows that opening herself to him that much will make her belong to him and that opening himself to her that much will make him belong to her. It’s hard for a man to open his heart to a woman who’s not his and it’s hard for a woman to open herself to a man who isn’t hers.
The more a man takes his wife, the more she wants to talk. The more a man talks, the more he wants to have her. They must “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[324])” to make this work. The Bible tells how:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
The wife not having power means she must open herself to her husband to keep him from temptation. The man not having power of his body means he must open his heart. If he doesn’t meet her emotional needs, she’ll be tempted to talk emotionally to other men. This often leads to physical infidelity. God warns that its fraud against your marriage vows not to meet your spouse’s needs. Making your spouse feel safe in being married to you makes it easier for your spouse to meet your needs and avoid temptation, page 35.
Traditional marriage vows said “to have and to hold.” A man marries to have her; she marries so he will hold her. My wife warns younger women of his dream of 20 times per day to emphasize how utterly different a man’s view of sex is from hers. The Holy Spirit had her tell me she planned to talk more in a day of marriage than in a week of dating. This warned me that her view of marriage was utterly different from mine, page 46.
Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also? Genesis 18:12
Take Sarah’s advice: enjoy your husband while he has the strength of his youth. It makes him yours:
“Vasopressin [the neurochemical that changes a man’s brain as oxytocin changes a woman’s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate and attachment to his offspring. . . . Often referred to as the ‘monogamy molecule,’ vasopressin seems to be a primary cause of men attaching to a woman with whom they have close and intimate physical contact. . . . it plays an important role in initiating sexual bonding and bonding between fathers and children.”[325] [emphasis added] A woman gives her children a father by belonging to him.
And We Lived Happily Ever After
A wife’s role is important, but the husband has more influence on her happiness than she has. Having told how God prepared us both for marriage, it’s time to explain why our marriage worked out as well as it has.
She decided to let God give her to me. She’d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; such a strong feeling of belonging to me had to be from God. Once she accepted that, she was able to tell me she planned to belong to me and to serve God by serving me.
It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me. When I stood at the altar and vowed to God that I’d give up my right to pursue all the other women in the world and focus my masculinity on her, I expected her to be mine. Japanese word “shu-jin” is translated “husband.” “Jin” is “person;” “shu” is “Lord” as in “Shu yesu kiristo;” Lord Jesus Christ. Shujin is literally “lord person.” A Japanese wife can’t refer to her husband without calling him “Lord;” it’s built into the language as in Eph. 5:33[326]. My possessiveness is of God.
Many women honor their husbands with their lips (Mt. 15:8[327]; Mk. 7:6[328]) without honoring them with their hearts. If my wife had done that, I would have been deeply hurt and deeply disappointed. I would also have been deeply ashamed which would have harmed my health (Pr. 12:4[329]). Very little shames a man worse that having his wife not belong to him; I know two men who had heart attacks after suffering this shame.
What Made Her Mine
As Naomi told Ruth how to get married, the wife’s mother in the Song tells her daughter how to stay married:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:20
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Proverbs 5:15
Her mother knows she has more capacity than he does. If she encourages his possessiveness, if she drains off all the energy he has, it will be hard for other women to get his attention. Giving herself calms her. This takes away her independence and makes her feel that she belongs to him. She can enjoy this if he also belongs to her, but if he doesn’t, his desire becomes oppressive and abusive. She’ll try to avoid it, but if she sends him off to work loaded, he'll be tempted to pay attention to another woman and they'll both be burned.
Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:27
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
God teaches men to praise their wives. Being praised by her husband and children makes a wife feel happy and secure. Ecclesiastes says that nothing a man does to have fun or live a worthwhile life works:
I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. Ecclesiastes 1:14
Solomon listed many things that won’t give joy:
I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: … I sought in mine heart to give myself unto wine … I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: … I got me servants and maidens … I gathered me also silver and gold … I gat me men singers and women singers, as musical instruments, of all sorts. … Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:1-11
Solomon tried it all, he found that there’s nothing a man can do to make himself happy, except marriage:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
When my wife chose to let God give her to me, her happiness became mine. Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (Pr. 19:13b[330]; 21:9[331], 19[332]; 25:24[333]; 27:15[334]), but when she was happy, life was good. When she delighted in giving herself to me, I got a taste of the joys of Heaven I’d expected when she told me God made her to be a treasure. I work at learning how to rejoice with her.
Teaching our children to honor her helped. Kids are born selfish; they must learn an attitude of gratitude.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Watching their father honor them and their mother teaches daughters that God requires that all men treat “The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity (1 Timothy 5:2).” Girls must be taught to insist that men deal with them in purity as God commands or they will be tempted to fall into sexual sin.
What Made Me Hers
I had another reason to learn about her besides God’s command (I Pe. 3:7[335]). I’d heard men complain about women. When I told her, she told me her friends had said, “He may love you, but he won’t like things about you once you’re married” and they named the same things about women that my dorm mates disliked.
I was convinced that God is good and had written “For God so loved me that He gave me you.” She said she was a gift from God, the Bible said it (Pr. 18:22[336]), and God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11[337]; Jas. 1:17[338]). Therefore, men who dislike characteristics which God made common to women are wrong. Those traits were not defects; God made women that way on purpose to bless men.
I told my wife that anything true of most women was intended to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had chosen to give her to me. If I couldn’t understand how or why something about her blessed me, it was my problem, not God’s, and we’d figure it out. To build a strong bridge, I must understand concrete and steel; to build a strong marriage, I had to understand her nature and explain mine.
Once she understood my plan to explore the mind of God with her, she was happy to look into herself to explain herself to me. God commands that a husband dwell with his wife according to knowledge. My working to learn how she blessed me made her happy and helped me obey God.
I also wanted to know how she was like other women and what was unique to her. When she’d say, “My friends feel that way,” I’d conclude most women were like that. Sometimes it was, “I don’t know anyone like that,” for things unique to her. At other times, she’d ask; her friends either agreed with her or didn’t.
This was another area where my engineering mind led me to obey God. God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4[339]). “Sanctification” means “set apart,” God expected me to know how she was like other women and how she was God’s special unique gift just for me.
The husband in the Song praises his wife in mind-numbing detail. He looks for little details about her to appreciate. She’s “but one,” (6:9) he sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women. She says she belongs to him (2:16[340], 6:3[341], 7:10[342]) and in 7:10, “his desire is toward me.” She enjoys seeing how much he desires her. 8:2-3[343] shows that she likes belonging to him as my wife likes belonging to me.
In all this talk about her emotions, skills, feelings, and other characteristics, I opened my heart to her rather often. That made me belong to her. This was as frightening to me as opening herself to me had been for her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me. God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him.
It’s not enough for a man to have a woman belong to him. Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3). They were his property and had to do what he told them. There was none of this “I’m not in the mood” or “I have a headache.” This sounds like a masculine paradise, but how did it work out for Solomon?
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon owned a thousand women, yet his soul was empty. Why? They belonged to him, he could command, but he couldn’t make them like it. Instead of having a woman enjoy belonging to him, he had 1,000 unhappy women running around the palace. No wonder his soul was empty.
This was Solomon’s fault. It’s nearly impossible for a woman to like belonging to a man unless he likes belonging to her and taking care of her. Belonging to her requires that he open his heart to her. So much talk takes so much time that a man can’t belong to more than one woman. “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs. If all he sees is her face and figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.”
My wife strives to make her words health to me. This makes it possible for me to feel safe in loving her, page 35. I feel safe opening my heart without fear that she’ll hurt me, which keeps me belonging to her.
I talked to her this way because I’d promised and to understand how God designed her to bless me. It took 20 years of talk, but we can explain how what my dorm mates disliked about women actually bless men.
A woman can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her. Her happiness is greatest when he likes belonging to her. Opening his heart to her teaches him ways to make her happy if he pays attention and she will learn how to please him. The happier a man makes his wife, the happier he will be.
Marriage is wonderful, this man is so glad to be coming home to be with his wife that he’s skipping:
The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8
He’s rushing home where he wants to be. Is he coming to admire the curtains? Or for some other reason?
A Wife is a Mirror, She’s Not a Light
Wives multiply what men give. Consider babies. You give her one tiny cell. She multiplies your seed in her body and gives you a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of her baby has the mark of your DNA (Gen. 5:3a[344]).
If you give her joy, love, appreciation, praise, and sanctification (Song 6:9[345]), she’ll multiply it and fill your home with love and light to the Glory of God. If you give her anger, criticism, or harshness, Satan will tempt her to multiply that and your house will fill with anger and pain.
A Wife is What Her Husband Makes Her
God expects a man to love his wife as Christ loves His church:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
Jesus presents us to Himself a “glorious church” in verse 27. Every man wants to present to himself a “glorious wife,” and there’s a simple way to do it – convince her he’s convinced that she is a glorious wife.
A woman heard that Johnny Lingo had paid 8 cows for his wife[346] when the going price was 3 or 4. She could see that his wife liked belonging to him. Johnny explained that every wife knew what her husband had paid. He might have gotten her for 1 or 2, but he paid 8 cows for her “Because I wanted an 8-cow wife.”
Remember the 3 rules for marriage: God is good, only praise, and treat each other as perfect. A wife is what you make her. You make her a glorious wife by opening your heart to her so that she knows you’re convinced that she is a glorious wife. Johnny Lingo overpaid to convince his wife he valued her highly!
Just before our engagement, I wrote to her, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you.” Marriage prospers if a man works hard to treat his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she strives to be God’s good and perfect gift to him.
The Simplicity of God’s Marriage Rules
Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Staying married is “only praise,” page 24. We must praise our spouses as much and as often as God expects us to praise Him to keep us focused on an Attitude of Gratitude.
When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior (Is. 43:25[347], Heb. 10:17[348]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” When you look on your spouse, follow God and see the purity and perfection of His Son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.
God expects bride and groom to marry with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God and with each other. Think of your spouse as perfect. Talk of your spouse as perfect. Tell everyone that your spouse is perfect. Your words work back into your heart and you will treat your spouse as perfect.
Even lost people know that “only praise” leads to a joyful marriage, but some say that people can’t live that way. The fruit of the spirit that comes from salvation (Gal. 5:22-23[349]) helps. This Bible-based guidance for avoiding conflict in marriage[350] helps couples live by “only praise.”
Chapter 5 - Sound Bite Marriage
The Internet generation has limited attention span. Everything must be short:
· Accepting salvation is two words: “only believe (Ro. 10:9[351]).”
· Sexual morality, that is, when a man and woman may come together physically, is 50% more complicated than salvation, it’s 3 words, “Only in marriage (1 Cor. 7:1-2[352]).”
· Entering Holy Matrimony is three words, “vowing, paying, taking” (Gen. 24:67[353], Ru. 4:13a[354]).” These men made public marriage vows before taking the women. Isaac supplied the tent and Boaz had wealth.
· Staying married is two words, “only praise.” Nowhere in Scripture does a man criticize his wife. The Song shows a couple appreciating every little detail. We must rule our tongues (Pr. 25:28[355], Jas. 1:26[356]).
· Marriage is built on “seed and speech (1 Cor. 7:3-4[357], 1 Pe. 3:7[358]).” A husband plans to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God doesn’t often give him that much strength, but that’s his plan (Gen.29:21[359]). She wants him to open his heart to her at least that often. He puts himself into her body. She puts herself, that is, her words, her thoughts, her feelings, her nature, into his heart.
He leaves his seed in her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby. She leaves her essence, her being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about her, how he treats her, and how they relate to others (1 Pe. 3:7[360]). People know whether a couple belongs to each other by watching them or hearing them.
She wants to hear him thanking God for creating marriage and for giving her to him. He should tell her she’s important to him and that he’s becoming more and more involved with her.
He wants her to say, “That was wonderful, I like belonging to you. Let’s do that again as soon as you can.” This encourages him to stay awake and talk to her for a while.
She wants him to say how much hearing her ideas and thoughts helps him make better decisions. She should point out that they could it more often if he was in better shape. Giving him a motive for exercise helps him live longer and shortens her time of being a widow.
A couple is “one flesh” as Adam and Eve were before God separated Eve from Adam’s body (Mk. 10:8[361]).
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; Ephesians 4:32-5:1
Jesus expects us to follow after God. When God looks on your spouse, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whose blood washes away all sins (Ps. 103:12[362], I Cor. 6:11[363]). To follow God, you must look on your spouse and think of a reflection of the perfection and purity of Christ.
See your spouse as perfect, thank God for a perfect spouse, and speak of your spouse as perfect, page 26.
Comparing Marriage and Salvation
This section has many short comparisons between marriage and salvation. Gen. 1 tells us:
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Genesis 1:3
The Bible teaches that God created everything including you, your spouse, and me. There’s more:
And God said, Let there be a firmament[364]
… and it was so. Genesis 1:6
And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered … and it was so. Genesis 1:9
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass … and it was so. Genesis 1:11
And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven … and it
was so. Genesis 1:14
And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature … and it was so. Genesis 1:24
And God said, Let the waters bring forth … and God saw that
it was good. Genesis 1:20
We find “and God said, … and it was so,” over and over. The Bible teaches that if God said it’s so, it’s so. That is the foundation of Christianity – it’s built on the Word of God and believing that if God said it, it’s so.
Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth. John 17:17
God’s word is truth. God gave us His Word so that we’d know what He expects us to believe about Him and what we’re supposed to do. Some say, “the Bible is authoritative for faith and practice.” God tells us what to believe and He tells us what to do. Let’s consider what God says about what He’s done:
The works of the LORD are great, sought out of all them that have pleasure therein. 10The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever. Psalm 111:2, 10
God’s people should take pleasure in God’s works including the way He made men and women so that we can build God-fearing marriages and raise God-fearing children. Why did God ordain marriage?
And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. 14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:13-15
We should enjoy marriage. We should enjoy watching what He does for us and we should enjoy learning as much as we can about how He does His works. Having a proper awe and respect for God is the beginning of wisdom. If we have good understanding, we’ll do what He commands, but it works the other way, too. If we do what God commands, we’ll get a good understanding when we look back and see how obeying His commands blessed us. Let’s look at how we’re told to approach God’s Word:
Whoso is wise, and will observe these things, even they shall understand the lovingkindness of the LORD. Psalm 107:43
God says that if you’re wise, if you’ll observe “these things,” then you’ll understand just how kind God is and how well He takes care of us. Psalm 107 says three times
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8, 15, 21
If you are wise, if you praise the Lord for His goodness, then you will understand His kindness to you.
God’s most wonderful work to the children of men, of course, is salvation. Salvation requires that we confess our sins, repent of our sins, ask Jesus to forgive our sins, and be born again. Being saved requires that we die to our former lives so that we can be married to Christ:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
In order to be born again into Christ, we must die to ourselves and be married to Christ. That is the first of God’s wonderful works. Marriage is another of God’s wonderful works. Jesus explained it:
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
Dying to our former lives of sin makes us one with Christ. As with salvation; we must die to ourselves in order to be “one flesh” in marriage. God knew we’d have trouble following His plan of salvation. We couldn’t handle two plans so He made the same plan work for marriage and for salvation.
When we find people whose lives are being destroyed by sin, we give the gospel so that they can be saved and show the grace of God in their new walk with Christ. When we find marriages being destroyed by sin, we’re supposed to “give an answer” so that these marriages can show the grace of God to the lost. There are many short ways to explain marriage so that you can help your friends build their marriages.
· Salvation and marriage are both undeserved gifts of God’s grace. Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves the blessings of marriage. A man is not worthy of his wife’s submission, obedience, or her calling him “Lord,” that’s an undeserved gift of God’s grace to him. A woman is not worthy of her husband’s giving his life to nourish and cherish her, that’s God’s undeserved gift to her.
· Salvation and marriage both show the grace of God to the lost. We’re required to “give an answer” (I Pe. 3:15[365]) when people ask why we live as we do. Our marriages are our greatest opportunity to show we’re different from the lost. When the lost see a wife giving her husband undeserved grace or a husband giving his wife undeserved grace, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves, and we get to tell them how to find it.
· When we give the gospel, we may hear, “God can’t save me, my sins are too great.” When we give the plan of marriage, we may hear, “God can’t save my marriage, it’s too far gone.” That’s pride – how can anyone think their sin or their marriage problems are greater than the God who created the universe?
· People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Salvation spend eternity in Hell. People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Marriage can create their very own Hell right here on earth. Marriage can either give a foretaste of the joys of Heaven or it can give a foretaste of the punishment of the damned in Hell.
· Once we’re saved, our love for Christ constrains us to serve Him (II Cor. 5:14[366], Eph. 2:10[367], Phi. 2:4[368]). Once we’re married, our love for each other should constrain us to serve each other. God wants us to serve our spouses; we serve God by serving each other.
· Salvation is based on a personal relationship with Christ Jesus. Marriage is based on a personal relationship between husband and wife. If your relationship with Christ is messed up, you can’t have a proper relationship with your spouse. If your relationship with Christ is based on true, saving faith, you can choose to base your relationship with your spouse on God’s formula.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
· John 3:16-17[369] gives all you must know to be saved. Genesis 24:67[370] gives all you must know for a successful marriage, but teaching helps. We labor to prepare children for good jobs but don’t teach Godly marriage. Not teaching marriage is like giving them a bicycle without any training and expecting them to ride out in traffic without getting hurt. As with salvation, “discipleship” is essential for successful marriage.
· We must keep our hearts perfect with the Lord our God as David did. David sinned, but he never worshiped any other god. Married people must keep their hearts perfect not only with God but also with each other. Couples must never worship any other god and never get involved with any other person.
· Salvation prepares us for the joys of living forever with Jesus and serving Him in Heaven. God planned marriage to give both husband and wife a foretaste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
· Once saved, we become one with Christ. Once married, husband and wife should become one flesh (Mt. 19:5-6[371], Mk. 10:8[372]). We can’t be one in Christ without dying to our former life. Husband and wife can’t become one in each other without dying to their former individual selves in favor of serving the family.
· Saved people should glorify God in all that they do; glorifying God helps us become his ambassadors (II Cor. 5:20[373]). Married people should glorify God and glorify each other together in all that they do.
· Some people give money to the church to pay God for favors. A “cheerful giver” gives to God out of love and not to get from Him. The Song of Solomon shows a husband and wife giving to each other out of love and not in hope of getting from the other. Works-based salvation is idolatry; works-based marriage is whoredom. Works-based “salvation” takes you to Hell; works-based marriage makes life Hell on earth.
· Salvation supports marriage; knowing we belong to Christ (I Co. 6:19[374]) makes it easier to belong to a spouse. If a woman belongs to Christ, it’s easier to accept God giving her to her husband (Lk. 17:27[375]). If a man knows that Christ gave His life for him, it’s easier for him to give his life for his wife (Eph. 5:25[376]).
· Marriage supports salvation. As husband and wife appreciate and praise one another, and share God’s grace by forgiving each other, their marriage reminds them both to praise and appreciate God (Ps. 100).
· Rejoicing in the Lord reminds us to rejoice in marriage and vice versa (Phi 4:4[377]). Ecc. 9:9 says, “Rejoice with the wife whom thou lovest…” Joy in marriage must be shared.
· Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Satan confuses people into thinking it’s belief plus works or church so people miss salvation and go to Hell. Marriage is two words, “only praise,” but many people think they should change their spouses instead of letting the Holy Spirit bring change. When people usurp the Holy Spirit’s role in their marriage, they usually miss the joys of marriage and may create Hell on earth.
· Salvation doesn’t just take us to Heaven; we have work to do for Christ (2 Cor. 5:14[378]). “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them (Eph. 2:10).” Serving your family and church serves Christ in this life.
· Marriage doesn’t just give us companionship; we have duties to our spouses which God commands us to fulfill. Husbands must show agapao to wives (Eph. 5:25-26[379]), wives must reverence husbands (Eph. 5:33[380]). Agapao and reverence are not products of emotion; they are acts of will which we decide to do.
· When Jesus’ blood washes away our sins, God sees us as perfect (I Cor. 6:11[381]). Christians must follow after God (Eph. 5:1-2[382]) and see each other as perfect. Marriage prospers when a man appreciates and honors his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s good and perfect gift to him.
· The only way a man can see his sinful wife as perfect is for him to see her through the grace God gave him in saving him. The only way a wife can see her sinful husband as perfect is for her to see him through the grace God gave her. When lost people see couples giving God’s grace to each other, they want God’s grace for themselves, and we tell them how to get it. That’s how our light shines before men (Mt. 5:16[383]).
· Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;” (Mt 11:29). A bride takes upon herself the yoke of pleasing her husband (Gen. 3:16[384]). The only way to rest (Ruth. 1:9a[385]) in being sure she’ll please him is to spend time talking to him and learning of him so she knows he’ll be pleased with what she does.
· Jesus said, “for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Mt. 11:29) A man must be meek towards his wife; must lead her by serving her (Mk. 10:42-45[386], see also Mk. 9:35[387]). He must talk to her a great deal in order to understand her needs well enough to lead her for her benefit.
· Jesus said, He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it (Mt. 10:39). When we accept salvation, we lose our former lives and gain a new life in Christ. When we marry, we lose our former individual selves and gain a new life as a one-flesh married couple.
· God’s salvation covenant is forever; once saved, always saved (John 10:28[388]). God’s marriage covenant ends only at death (Rom. 7:1-3[389], the book of Ruth).
If you’re saved and relate to God as He desires, your marriage relationship works because you’ll serve God by serving each other. The relationship between husband and wife is based on their relationships to God.
And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; II Corinthians 5:18
Having been reconciled to God, we should be able to minister reconciliation to each other. If husband and wife each reconcile themselves to God and relate to God by honoring, praising, loving, and obeying Him, they’ll relate properly to each other by honoring, praising, loving and appreciating each other. Their marriage prospers, and they show the grace of salvation to the lost.
And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:15
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. II Corinthians 4:10
As lost people see Christians giving God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves. If either party messes up their relationship with God, on the other hand, their testimony is damaged and the marriage seldom works well even if they both have been taught how marriage should work.
This book explores what God says about marriage so that you can help heal the broken marriages you’ll encounter. God ordains marriage; a damaged marriage means that someone isn’t following God.
Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: Psalm 127:1
No matter how hopeless the situation seems, God promises a way out, but we have to ask:
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10:13
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
Chapter 6 - Logic and Emotion, Head Knowledge and Heart Knowledge
“Logic” as the word is used in America was written down by the Greeks ~ 300 BC. God helped Alexander the Great spread Greek ideas by conquering from Greece to India. Pilate wrote on Jesus’ cross in Hebrew, Latin, and Greek. God inspired the New Testament to be written in Greek which helps us think logically about Him.
Head knowledge is facts we know (2 Tim. 3:7[390]); heart knowledge is what we feel or what we are (Pr. 23:7a[391]). “Emotion” describes feelings in our hearts. God wants us to love Him in our hearts, page 25. We can’t always explain emotions, but we should try to find logical reasons for our feelings before acting on them.
“Logic” works with facts. If a car has no gasoline, it’s a fact that it won’t go. No matter how you feel about it, no matter how angry you get, the car won’t go. The fact that a car needs gasoline shouldn’t make you angry, or sad, it’s just a fact you need to know to use a car. God expects us to rule our feelings:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
must rule our spirits so that we don’t lose our temper or say angry words. Christianity is based on logic:
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: Isaiah 1:18
Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
Even with Heaven and Hell in the balance, we persuade. God appeals to our minds and to our hearts. The Lord our God is a God of purpose and plan (Isaiah 14:26-27[392], 23:9[393], 46:10-11[394], Jer. 4:28[395], Ro. 8:28[396]), there is logic in all that He does. We’re told to labor and reason together with God to find out His rules.
For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
What an honor! When we meet together, we labor with God. “Husbandry[397]” is taking care of a farm. A church is God’s farm where God grows us and builds us. Right now, we’re growing and building marriages.
Obeying God Requires Logic
And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. Genesis 1:28
We need knowledge to build Godly marriages. We need logic to understand how God created the earth so we can care for the earth, and work with natural resources God has given us as God helped Bezaleel do:
And I have filled him [Bezaleel] with the spirit of God, in wisdom, and in understanding, and in knowledge, and in all manner of workmanship, 4To devise cunning works, to work in gold, and in silver, and in brass, 5And in cutting of stones, to set them, and in carving of timber, to work in all manner of workmanship. Exodus 31:3-5
Figuring out what to do needs: 1) the Holy Spirit, 2) wisdom, 3) understanding, 4) knowledge 5) practice.
Logic is How We Use Facts to reach Conclusions
Although the emotions and feelings God put into men and women to hold families together are very strong, the Bible says we should use wisdom, facts, and logic in guiding our relationships with other people:
Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee: 12To deliver thee from the way of the evil man, from the man that speaketh froward things; 13Who leave the paths of uprightness, to walk in the ways of darkness; 14Who rejoice to do evil, and delight in the frowardness of the wicked; 15Whose ways are crooked, and they froward in their paths: 16To deliver thee from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words; 17Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God. Proverbs 2:11-17
Logic, that is, collecting facts and drawing conclusions to deliver us from evil men and women is part of wisdom that starts with God. Wisdom starts in Bible reading, prayer, and studying the Works of God.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding. Proverbs 9:10
Logic – Finding Facts and Drawing Conclusions
Aristotle explained logic ~ 300 BC, about the time Euclid defined “Euclidian geometry.” When Rome conquered Greece 100 years later, they learned Logic and Geometry which helped them build ~ 250,000 miles of roads, some of which are used today. The Apostles couldn’t have spread the Gospel as fast as they did without Roman roads. Did God help the Romans build roads to prepare the Roman Empire to serve Him?
When Rome fell around 480 AD, logic and geometry were lost. They had to be re-learned to start the Industrial Revolution in the 1600s, ~ 450 years ago. We can’t have automobiles, electricity, water systems, paved roads, computers, or the Internet without using logic throughout society. How many well-trained, logical people are needed to maintain the Internet? To climb poles to fix electric wires to keep the lights on?
Logic is so important to our society that there’s a free online course[398] which explains how to use logic with facts to reach conclusions. There are logic exercises in this online folder[399] which can be printed and shared.
Christianity is a Logical Faith
Logic training also helps you manage the technology of our civilization. Cling to these facts:
God is good. Things about your spouse that irritate you are of God to bless you. Ask God for wisdom to see how your spouse blesses you. Use logic to control your emotions. When you’re tempted to be upset, ask the other person why they did what they did (Mt. 18:15[400]). What was the goal? What were they trying to do? What did you know that you should you have explained or taught before the mistake happened?
God tells us how to be at peace with each other in families and churches on page 97.
Learning about God’s logic works on our hearts so that we love Him and want Him to be pleased with us. That’s how God expects spouses to relate. We love and serve them so that we want to be together.
Logic and emotion are in conflict. Love is not logical because loving means you can be hurt. Love is a choice we make by letting our minds rule our spirits. We must choose to love in faith that love will bless us. If we’re too logical, it’s hard to love others with all our hearts as God expects, page 25.
Hebrews 11:6, “without faith it is impossible to please Him.” A logical conclusion from facts needs no faith. There can’t be logical proof that God exists because faith would not be needed. If people get too involved in logic, it’s hard to accept God’s ways because faith doesn’t seem logical, but imagining that the universe came about through random chance takes even more faith. Scripture tells us what faith is:
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Faith is based on what we can’t see, it’s not fact until we look back and see what God did in caring for us.
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5 That happened when Ruth’s husband died.
Women aren’t strong enough to farm without machinery. Ruth needed a husband feed her. It took great faith to leave Moab for Israel where she wouldn’t find a husband. Ruth went out to pick up grain that had been dropped. Ruth 2:3 tells us “her hap was to light on a part of the field belonging unto Boaz.”
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 Something that seems bad can be a real test of faith.
By “hap,” scripture tells us that there was no logical reason Ruth could see to choose Boaz’s field. Boaz offered her food and water when he found out who she was. When Ruth asked why, Boaz told her that he knew she’d left home and came to Israel looking for God. What a testimony in the town! He said:
The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:12
Boaz saw that Ruth’s faith in God was strong enough to overcome fear of rejection or starvation. When Naomi told Ruth who Boaz was, Ruth could see that God had guided her. That made her faith factual. We follow God in faith that obeying Him will work out, then we look back and see how He made it happen.
Logic Can Take you Where you Shouldn’t Go
America was founded on religious freedom. After a 10-week voyage, 102 people landed in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in November of 1620. Only 53 survived their first winter. “The cowards never started, and the weak died along the way.” Scripture tells us how to prosper economically:
And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you; 12That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without, and that ye may have lack of nothing. I Thessalonians 4:11-12
that with quietness they work, and eat their own bread. II Thessalonians 3:12b
Hard work, freedom to try new ideas that comes with religious freedom, and scientific logic made America very wealthy. Many Americans have come to love money for its own sake:
For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. I Timothy 6:10
Millions of people risk their lives and spend a lot of money to come to America illegally to share American wealth. Logic and wealth lead women to stop having children. Wealth means women can get jobs and earn their own food without depending on husbands or on God. Women in Japan, Korea, China, Russia, and most of Europe are having so few babies that populations are dropping and their societies are doomed.
The wealth logic brings destroys traditional culture. European nations were constantly at war after Rome fell. Technology started improving in the 1300s with better guns and cannon. Better warships led Europeans to control the seas over the next 5 centuries. When the British went to war in 1839 to force the Chinese government to let them sell opium, some Chinese wanted to absorb Western ways of thinking to fight them:
Since we were knocked out by cannonballs, naturally we became interested in them thinking that by learning to make them we could strike back. … But history seems to move in very curious ways. From studying cannon balls we came to mechanical inventions, which in turn led us to political reforms; from political reforms we begin to see political theories, which led us again to the philosophies of the West. … Through mechanical invention we saw science from which we came to understand scientific method and the scientific mind.[401] [emphasis added]
Conservatives blocked these ideas. Without European weapons, China fell under European rule but kept their culture. Studying science instead of focusing on culture is ending their culture as modern Chinese chase wealth. Traditional Chinese culture focused on God – Confucius spoke of the “mandate of heaven,” saying that society would fall apart if the Emperor stopped following God’s laws. Confucians, Daoists, Buddhists, and Christians all taught that God’s rules also applied to rulers. Tyrants dislike the idea that they must follow the laws of God. The Chinese Communist Party has cut Chinese people off from their 5,000 year history by “simplifying” Chinese characters. Today’s college graduates can’t read traditional Chinese thought.
The Japanese Learned from China
The Japanese borrowed ideas from China for thousands of years. They learned Western logic and defeated the Russian navy in 1905, the first Asian power beat a European power in battle. They didn’t lose their culture because they were accustomed to absorbing foreign ideas. It’s possible to adopt logic without losing culture, but both Japanese and Chinese cultures are doomed now because logical women don’t want children.
The more complex a society becomes, the more logic we need to keep it. Faith is not logical until we look back to see what God did. Studying logic leaves less time for Bible study. The more logical we become, the less faith we think we need. Logic brings wealth throughout society. Jesus warned of the danger of wealth:
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. Mark 10:25
All gifts God gives can be used for good or for evil. A man’s strength can nourish his wife or oppress her. Her emotions can build up her house or drive her family apart. Logic can lead to Christ and help us care for the earth God gave us, or it can lead to so much wealth that people stop following the Bible.
Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. II Timothy 3:7
Many countries in Africa, Central America, and Asia are poor due to bad government. It may seem logical for Christians to try to move from Africa to America for a better life, but it’s hard to maintain a Christian walk in America as it becomes more and more secular with more and more temptations.
Parents may follow the old paths, but children raised in American culture tend to walk away from God and from church. Women get jobs instead of caring for their homes and men rely on women to support them.
For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? Matthew 16:26
Christianity is lived forward, but it’s understood backward as we look back to see how God was leading us where He wanted us to go. Logic is useful, but God expects us to live by faith (Hab. 2:4[402], Rom. 1:17[403], Gal. 3:11[404], Heb. 10:23[405], 10:38[406], 11:6[407])!
Chapter 7 - What Fathers Should Teach Their Daughters
Salvation takes your daughter to Heaven, but how she relates to a man has a huge effect on how this life turns out for her. While bringing her up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4[408]),” you must teach her to honor and respect your wife (Pr. 31:28-29[409]). Seeing you nourish, cherish, appreciate, and honor her mother prepares your daughter to expect respect and appreciation from any man who pursues her.
One of the best ways to prepare your daughter to be a good wife is to talk to her. Men and women have very different ways of talking. To oversimplify, men talk to report, that is, to tell what happened, women talk to build rapport, that is, to establish emotional connections and tell how they felt about it. Your daughter will expect her husband to open his heart to her. This scares men, and if she hasn’t learned to handle a man’s “report talk,” she’ll want to put emotion into all her talk which will make talking to her more difficult for him.
You’ll have to be careful not to make your wife jealous of your daughter especially if your daughter grows up to be a younger version of her mother. Your wife can become jealous of her own daughter if you aren’t careful to reassure your wife of your focus on her.
Teach your daughter that the emotions God put into her (Pr. 9:4b[410]) provide cement by which a wise woman builds her house (Pr. 14:1[411]), but also that she must always rule her emotions so that she doesn’t hurt her family (Pr. 25:28[412]). Teach her to explain her emotions so she knows why she feels a certain way. Learning to put words to her feelings helps her explain herself and her needs to her husband. This makes it easier for him to follow God’s command to dwell with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7[413]).
Older women know a man’s nature and can discuss the desires God put into most men, but women can’t understand any more than a man can understand a woman’s attitude toward babies. Fathers make mistakes - page 67 explains how Jacob didn’t keep Dinah away from the “daughters of the land” and David sent Tamar to comfort Amnon when he pretended to be ill (page 67), but fathers have a better understanding of a man’s goal in approaching his daughter than her mother and can warn more strongly and in more detail.
Part of the strength of a daughter’s desire for attention from a man is one of God’s punishments of Eve:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
Genesis’ “lightly have lien” explains the natural man’s attitude toward forced sex[414]. Fathers must teach daughters to demand that a man follow Scripture in interacting with her:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
Men and women must treat each other as people; they shouldn’t interact as man and woman. If a man compliments a woman’s looks or tells her he loves her, for example, he may be trying to guide their talk in an impure direction because he wants her to open her body to him.
If he does that before he and she are in a position where they could marry, she must quote that verse and say something like, “Scripture teaches that you should talk to me as a sister in all purity. We can work together as people, but not as man and woman. We aren’t in a position to marry. You’re an attractive guy; I could easily fall in love with you. If I fall in love when we can’t marry, I’ll be in a world of hurt. Let’s keep man and woman out of it and just be people.” She must also avoid getting physical:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
Older women may say not to kiss “because it’ll give him ideas.” That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When they both have the same idea, it’s very hard to stop.
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner[415] [emphasis added]
Draw a Line in the Sand
The price of a virtuous woman is beyond rubies. My wife set her price high by insisting that I agree that being together was to decide whether we would marry; my life for her life, page 42. She said God made her to be a treasure for her husband. If I wouldn’t seriously consider marriage, she didn’t want to waste time with me.
On our second date, she told me she wanted to be pure on our wedding night. The Holy Spirit led her to say that, it just popped out. We had no idea how important that was until our emotions tempted us so that we nearly lost it. Very few couples can avoid having sex once her emotions are aroused, page 48.
We know many girls who went to college, met a man freshman year, and controlled their emotions until junior year. And we expect them to stay pure 2 more years until graduation? Who’s kidding whom?
A girl we knew found her husband in college. Her father watched them the summer before her senior year and wouldn’t send her back to college. She was furious; she wanted another year of courting.
I told her that her father was right. He had a reason which she couldn’t yet understand, and that when she understood, she’d thank him for standing against her, her sister, her mother, and other women in the church.
At a church dinner 3 years later, I went to her table as she was changing a diaper. “Now that you’re married, do you understand why your dad kept you home?” She grudgingly agreed. “Have you thanked him?” She promised that she would. “Now listen,” I said, “you’ll be the older woman who must teach the daughter you’re diapering when she goes to college 18 years from now. Will you do that?” She promised she would.
Her daughter married right out of college and had a baby 4 months later. That was her husband’s failure - women aren’t equipped to be forceful enough with this particular lesson - it’s the father who protects.
The Man Must Grow Up Before Marrying
A century ago, a man could learn to support a wife by age 15 or 16. It takes longer to learn to support a wife today. If he can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her; involvement too young never ends well, page 4!
The woman must say, “Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.” Any boy can play with her; it takes a man to stay with her. Toy or treasure, play or stay is the big question.
What if she likes the guy and wants to get to know him?
There‘s a difference between “dating” and “going steady.” If a couple sees each other constantly, staying out of trouble for even 2 years of college is difficult. If there’s a firm rule not to date the same person twice in a row, getting to know several people at the same time makes it far easier to guard her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
As they proceed toward marriage, she must make sure he trusts her enough to open his heart to her[416].
Women open their hearts to each other freely; she’ll have no idea how hard it is for a man. Having words to describe her need for talk may help your daughter explain her needs, page 46.
Marriages run on communication. A wife wants to communicate heart-to-heart, her husband wants to communicate belly-to-belly. A wife needs to be able to rest in belonging to her husband[417].
She needs to listen to her own heart. Is she calm and relaxed around him? God expects her to follow her husband. Can she trust him to rule her gently so that it’s safe for her to let herself love him? Will he lead her in a direction God wants her to go or will he lead her off a cliff?
Your daughter must understand her own needs well enough to explain them so that a man can be confident of making her happy. That makes it easier for him to open his heart to her, and there’s no way for her to be happy unless her husband learns to like doing that.
Fathers Who Failed Their Daughters
God created families as a safe place for children to grow up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4[418], Ps 68:6[419]). God’s plan to get servants is for the servants He has to bear children who grow up to serve Him (Mal. 2:15[420]). David offered a promotion to whoever took Jerusalem (II Sam 5:8[421]). He had no eligible daughters to offer at that time (II Sam 3:2[422], 5:14[423]).
These examples are for our learning (Ro. 15:4[424]):
David Failed Tamar – (II Samuel 13)
· Amnon wanted to have her and tricked David into sending her to him to fix him a meal.
· He sent everyone away, raped her, hated her, and threw her out of his house.
· David couldn’t see Amnon’s heart; he didn’t know to tell Tamar to take chaperones with her.
· Tamar thought she was getting married. Amnon liked her and had been to see her father about her.
· After the rape, David didn’t tell Amnon that the law required him to marry her (Deu. 22:28-29[425]).
· Absalom, Tamar’s brother, was right to be concerned about the matter (Gen. 34:31[426]) but murdering Amnon wasn’t the right approach.
· He should have approached David and urged him to force Amnon to obey the law and marry her.
Jacob Failed Dinah – Genesis 34
· He did not warn her not to go out to visit the “daughters of the land” (Gen. 34:1). Lock her up?
· He took no action after the rape (Gen. 34:5).
· Shechem loved Dinah enough to be circumcised so that he could marry her (Gen. 34:19).
· Her brothers murdered all the men involved.
Lot Failed all 4 of his Daughters – (Gen. 19)
· He put them in bad environment and gave them a taste of the bright lights of the city.
· He did not teach them about God.
· He didn’t leave Sodom even after he was taken captive (Gen. 14:12[427]).
· They had lost husbands; he seemed as “one who mocked (Gen. 19:14)” when he told them to leave.
· He probably had an unsaved wife? Always bad for all children to do that, his sons all died.
· 2 stayed behind and were killed, his wife looked back and died.
· The other two daughters, virgins, had not been trained to trust the Lord to find them husbands.
· They didn’t know to trust the Lord to give them husbands so they got him drunk and went in to their father in order to become pregnant( Gen. 19:31-38).
· They gave birth to Moabites and Ammonites who became wicked.
Amram Failed Miriam – Numbers 12:1-15
· Miriam was not taught to submit to whatever leadership God placed over her.
· Miriam and Aaron rebelled against Moses’ leadership (Num. 12:2[428]).
· God punished Miriam by giving her leprosy (Num. 12:10[429]).
· The fact that Miriam was punished and Aaron was not suggests that Miriam led the rebellion and persuaded Aaron to go along.
Jephthah Failed his Daughter – (Judges 11:29-40)
· We don’t know her name, she is referred to as “daughter of Jephthah,”
· He made an unwise vow and had to sacrifice her (Ecc. 5:5[430]).
Laban Failed Leah – (Genesis 29:26-28)
· He found her a husband by sneaking her into Jacob’s tent dressed as her sister.
· Her husband did not want her, partly because he had been tricked.
· For many years, she had to live with a husband who resented being married to her.
· He appreciated her later in life (Gen. 35:19[431] and 49:31[432]).
· Should Jacob have been content with what God let happen to him (Gen. 28:20-22[433])?
Eli Failed his Daughter in Law – (I Sam 4:19-22)
· He did not train up his sons to follow the Lord (I Sam 2:22-25).
· When her husband was killed, the stress brought on premature labor and his daughter-in-law died.
· Samuel did no better – his sons did not walk in his ways (1 Sam. 8:5[434]).
Saul Failed Michal – (I Sam 18:17-29)
· Saul offered her to David if he killed 100 Philistines (I Sam. 18:25[435]).
· He wanted the Philistines to kill David; he was not really looking out for his daughter.
· David wanted the status of being the king’s son in law (I Sam. 18:26[436]).
· Michal loved David (I Sam. 18:20[437]). Did David love her or was he just using her?
· She saved David’s life and lied about it when her father wanted to kill him (I Sam. 19:11-17).
· Saul gave her to someone else when David fled (I Sam. 25:44[438]); that man loved her (II Sam. 3:16[439]).
· David demanded her back years later (II Sam 3:13[440]); she left her husband and 5 sons (II Sam 21:8[441]). Instead of being “but one,” she was now one among many other wives who had borne him children, which she had not.
· She ended up despising David (I Chr. 15:29[442]) and died childless (II Sam. 6:23[443]).
Abishag’s Father Failed her – (I Kings 1:1-4)
· He let King David have her even though David was too old to give her children (I Kings 1:4[444]).
· She became a political pawn (I Kings 2:13-25).
· We don’t know if her father really had much choice (I Sam. 8:13[445]).
Judah Failed Tamar – (Gen. 38:6-30)
· The law (Deu. 25:5[446]) required that Judah give widowed Tamar to his son Onan and then to Shelah.
· After Onan died, Judah decided not to give her to his 3rd son.
· Tamar did not want to die childless. She had her father-in-law get her pregnant by acting like a harlot.
Abigail’s Father Failed Abigail
He married her to Nabal, who was a bad guy (I Sam 25:3[447]).
Delilah’s Father let her become Samson’s Concubine – (Jud. 16:4-20)
· The relationship did not work out well for her – she was his but he was not hers (Judges 16:15a[448]).
· He took her so she was his, but he didn’t open his heart to her so he was not hers. She didn’t like that.
· What she did was not nice, but he betrayed her first.
Caleb and Achsah – Joshua 15:16-19, Judges 1:12-13[449], it’s in the Bible TWICE
Daughters were given for political purposes (Gen. 41:45[450], 1 Sam. 17:25[451], 1 Ki. 11:19[452], 2 Chr. 8:11[453]). Caleb promised Achsah’s hand in marriage to whoever took Kirjathsepher. His nephew Othniel took the city and won her to be his wife (Joshua 15:16-19). Was this good for Achsah?
· Othniel was a leader; he didn’t take the city by himself, so her father found her a husband of rank (Judges 3:9[454]) who later became a judge.
· He survived battle; he was a good fighter or blessed of God, either way, he’s good husband material.
· They were cousins, he must have known her. He wanted her badly enough to do battle to win her (Gen. 29:21[455]). Having a husband who wants her is good for a woman (Gen. 2:23[456], I Cor. 7:7[457])
· Her father gave her land, he gave her springs when she asked (Jos. 15:19[458]). In dry country, springs are very valuable, her father provided for her as well as he could.
The Modern Dilemma
There are only two ways a father can protect his daughter –cooperation or incarceration. Juliet’s father tried to keep her away from Romeo, whose family was hostile to her family, and told the nurse to keep her in the house. Juliet fooled the nurse and got together with Romeo. It didn’t end well - they both died.
Chapter 8 – A Man is Pursuing Your Daughter. What do you tell him?
Jesus told us that men marry; women are given in marriage (Luk. 20:34[459]). A wife is a gift from God to her groom (Luk. 17:27[460]). You should do your best to be sure the would-be groom is prepared to gently and wisely lead your daughter so that he will receive the full blessing God intends in giving him a wife.
Christian marriage is incredibly simple. God doesn’t see our sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12[461], I Cor. 6:11[462]).
God’s gift of grace means that He and His Son treat us as if we’re perfect (Rom. 8:1[463], Eph. 5:25-27[464]). Note “without blemish” in Ephesians 5:27. As Jesus sanctifies and cleanses His church, your son-in-law must sanctify your daughter to present herself to him as a “glorious wife, without spot or wrinkle.”
Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:12[465], Is. 43:25[466], I Cor. 6:11[467], Hebrews 10:17[468]). When God washes away our sins, what’s left is perfect. Ephesians 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God treats us as perfect, so we must follow God and treat our spouses as perfect.
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, tell everyone your spouse is perfect for you (Song 6:9[469]), and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6a[470]).
Marriage prospers if a husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17[471]). He’s to love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29[472], Song 4:7[473], 6:9[474]) as perfect, she’s to serve him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33[475], Col. 3:18[476]) even though they don’t deserve each other! Can he forgive her as God forgives him? Can she forgive him?
Will he lead her by serving her as discussed on page 42? Is she willing to follow him?
Treating spouses as perfect is simple, but “simple” doesn’t mean “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there – but it’s far from easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a short stroll across a continent.
The Rewards of Marriage
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman delight in belonging to him as the wife in the Song of Solomon delights in belonging to her husband. Assuming he’s saved and has found a job which can support her and a place to house her (Ge. 24:67 page 4), you’ll want to discuss Biblical ideas to help him receive all the joy God intended for marriage (Ecc. 9:9[477], Pr. 5:18-19[478], Pr. 31:28-29[479]).
Nourishing and cherishing a wife as God expects is a lot of work; it’s important that he be strongly drawn to her. The time will come when she's got the flu, she's pregnant out to here, the other kids are leaking at both ends, the house is hip-deep in diapers, and she's too sick to do anything about it. If he's as smitten with her as the husband in the Song, he'll stick around and help her through it instead of running off.
The story of the talents (Lk. 19) teaches that Our Lord holds us accountable for how we administer the gifts He gives us (I Cor. 12:1-18). God expects a husband to know his wife’s God-given gifts and to encourage her to develop and use them for His glory as they glorify God together (I Peter 3:7[480]).
The Jews were exiled to Babylon when they didn’t fulfill God’s conditions. They possessed the land, but they didn’t keep God’s law (Je. 32:23[481]) and they didn’t give the land its Sabbaths (II Chr. 36:21[482]). They misused the gift, so they lost the blessing.
God formed your daughter in her mother’s womb as a good and perfect help meet to be His gift to her husband (Mt. 7:11[483], Jas. 1:17[484], I Cor. 11:8-9[485]). You want your son-in-law to fulfill all of God’s conditions when he possesses your daughter so he can receive the full blessing of receiving your daughter as an unmerited gift from God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.
The Old Testament explains how. Pr. 31:1 introduces the wisdom King Lemuel received from his mother. She taught him how to lead a kingdom, a business, a church, or a family:
- Don’t mess with women (Pr. 31:3[486]).
- Don’t abuse mind-altering substances (Pr. 31:4-5[487]).
- Take care of your people when they’re hurting (Pr. 31:6-7[488]).
- Treat your people fairly (Pr. 31:8-9[489]).
He can’t fulfill the last two without building open, loving relationships. How else can he distinguish between needy and lazy, the good and the glib? Mrs. Lemuel’s wisdom helps him in any path he walks.
She also told her son what to expect from the virtuous wife you have trained your daughter to be:
- She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life (Pr. 31:12). He must explain what he regards as good so she can follow him. That’s another reason for him to open his heart to her (1 Pe. 3:7).
- The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her (Pr. 31:11, Pr. 12:4[490]). Many men won’t admit their emotions even to themselves for fear of being hurt. Jesus had to force the Apostle Peter to admit that Peter loved Christ (Jn. 15:21-17). Will he not only admit his love for your daughter to himself, but convince her daily? It’s easier for her to follow a man when she knows he loves her, page 4.
- She openeth up her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr.31:26). God expects her words to always be health to him (Pr. 12:18[491]) so he’ll want to hear what she has to say.
Mrs. Lemuel then outlined God’s terms and conditions so that her son could receive the blessing:
- Teach his children, by telling them and by showing them, to praise and appreciate her every action and her never-ending labor on behalf of her home (Pr. 31:28). Talk about everything she does.
- Praise her as a uniquely wonderful wife who “excelleth them all” (Pr. 31:29). The Song explains how.
- She works mostly in the home, so he must praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31), at home, and at church.
Leading in Meekness
Having given him your daughter to be his wife, God gives him authority over her, his children, and his home. Jesus told us to exercise authority meekly (Mk. 9:35[492], Mk. 10:42-45[493], II Tim. 2:24-25[494]) in any role.
God gave Moses authority to get water by speaking to the rock (Nu. 20:7-12). Moses exceeded his authority and struck the rock. Moses’ acting in anger instead of in meekness (Nu. 12:3[495]) abused the authority God had given him and cost him the blessing of entering the Promised Land.
Parents labor to teach children never to react in anger by age 2 or 3 (Pr. 22:24[496], 25:28[497], 29:22[498]). We teach them to relate, discuss, share, and care about the other person (Phil. 2:3[499]). Did his parents teach him this? His view of your daughter will be very important to her after they’re married. She won’t be able to love him as much as she wants to love him if he hurts her with his words (Pr. 22:24), see page 35.
He decides whether he trusts her enough to open his heart to her and learn about her to dwell according to knowledge as God commands (I Pe. 3:7) during courtship. God rewards this – hours and days of open-hearted talk which give him knowledge of her teaches her about him. Learning of him makes his yoke easy and her burden light (Mt. 11:29-30[500]), giving her rest unto her soul (Ru. 1:9a[501]). Once she rests knowing she pleases him (I Co. 7:34[502]), she can make him happy in ways he would never imagine to command.
God constructed women’s brains to think so differently that it takes hours and hours of daily conversation for her to understand him well enough to follow him and to please him. A woman can’t obey or follow what she doesn’t understand. Women who conclude that they can’t please their husbands die inside. We see death in their eyes, even in photographs. You don’t want that for your daughter.
How is His Walk with God?
Does he truly believe that God is good? Most Christians say that, but few search the Bible for keys to happiness. When God created the heavens and the earth, the only “not good” was Adam being alone. After God created Eve to help Adam, it was all “very good.” Does he believe that in his bones?
“Help” comes from ezer, as in “from whence cometh my ezer (Ps. 121:1).” A wife is a valuable help, but she needs to understand him to know how to help, and that takes hours of daily conversation for years, even after children are born. It’s virtually impossible for her to rejoice in meeting his physical needs unless he meets her needs for emotional connection. She sees what he wants as vain repetition, just as he sees her talk.
Men think women want to talk about the same old thing, women think men want to do the same old thing. Both wonder why the other party isn’t bored. God made them different!
Will he Appreciate Her as God Appreciates Her?
Many men think that God made women incorrectly; that’s why He commanded “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:19).” This is a command. Will he obey? Can his tongue be health to her (Pr. 12:18[503], 15:1[504]) when he’s frustrated (Pr. 25:28[505]) or when he’s been too busy to give her the emotional support she needs by talking about her concerns (Phil. 2:4[506])?
The Bible describes the wife as the weaker vessel (I Pe. 3:7). What he does or doesn’t do to her, he does or doesn’t do to Christ (Mt. 25:40[507], Mt. 25:45[508]). Does he know this? Does he believe it? Will he act on it?
When God, the stronger party, offered His covenant, Abraham, the weaker party, gave up his animals to provide blood to seal God’s berith. A berith is one-sided; it bound God no matter how Abraham’s descendants abused the covenant. When your daughter accepts his berith, she gives up her innocence to provide the blood to seal her husband’s (Mal. 2:14[509]) berith for herself and for her children forever. The English language doesn’t have a word like the Hebrew word berith which the inspired words of the Hebrew Bible use to describe marriage vows. “Covenant” is the best English word, but “covenant” suggests that someone can break the marriage covenant if the spouse breaks it first. This weakens God’s definition of Holy Matrimony.
Does he value stories in the OT “for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition (I Cor. 10:10-11[510])?” Nowhere in scripture does a husband criticize his wife. Not once, see page 96. Will he teach his children to honor and appreciate the effort of making food (Pr. 31:18[511]), even if they don’t like a dish?
Does he know that God may speak to a man through his help meet (Jud. 13:2-13, Mt. 27:19[512])?
The Bible commands older women to instruct the younger. Ruth accepted Naomi’s advice even though she had been married and knew about men. Naomi gave her the best possible advice how to get married (Ru. 3:18). The wife in the Song asked her mother and got the best possible advice how to stay married (Song 8:3).
My wife tells young ladies that a man dreams of having her 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. He seldom has the strength, but that’s his plan (Gen. 29:21[513]), see page 50. Girls who’ve never dated somehow know that a husband’s drive will be invasive, messy, and take away her independence. Rebekah knew Isaac’s agenda would have a major impact on her. She veiled herself to get a little space (Ge. 24:64-65).
Giving herself to her husband is what submission is. What drives a man to marry (Ge. 29:21) and to come home (Song 2:8)? What does “took to wife (Ge. 26:24, Ex. 2:1, I Ki. 16:31, I Chron. 7:15)” mean?
If a wife welcomes her husband's advances, encourages him when he hasn't asked, tells him, "I like your seed. Let's do that again as soon as you can" as the spirit moves her, both he and she will be convinced that she belongs to him. That makes it hard for women at work to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he's more vulnerable to temptation and they're likely to get burned (Pro. 6:27[514]).
God was serious in saying that it was not good for a man to be alone; men generally die before their wives. A wife can shorten her widowhood by keeping her husband healthy. She can say, “We could do that more often if you were in better shape.” The more he exercises and the healthier he eats, the longer he’ll live.
God made men possessive. If she convinces him that she’s truly his, he’ll tend to take care of her. If her happiness is his, he’ll find that making her happy makes him happier than anything he can do for himself. Solomon’s labor was vanity and chasing wind because he did it for himself. “I gat me, I builded me….” If he dedicates his work and his life to nourishing his wife, children, and church, his work won’t be vain at all.
And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. (Mk. 10:8)
Her husband must make this possible. Giving herself to a man humbles a woman (De. 21:14, 22:29, Ez. 22:10). It calms her, takes away her independence, and makes her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s angry or unhappy with her, she won’t want to feel that more strongly and will try to evade him. If, on the other hand, he works as hard as the husband in the Song to convince her that he rejoices in her to the point that he doesn’t see others as women, only as people, she’ll rejoice in his joy as she gives herself to him.
This affects the way she walks, the way she talks, and her facial expressions. Anyone can see it.
God designed women so that a wife multiplies whatever her husband gives her and reflects it back to him. Think about making babies. He gives his wife one tiny cell. She nourishes what he gave her within her body and gives him a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of her baby has his mark in it (Gen. 5:3[515]). If he gives her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if he gives her a girl cell, she makes a girl. We reap what we sow:
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
Wives demonstrate this. God gave your daughter sensitive emotions so that she wants her husband to be pleased with her and so that she can tell whether he’s pleased or not. Her emotions make her into a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex his soul to death (Jud. 16:16[516]), multiply his unhappiness, and give all his unhappiness back to him. If he gives her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness he gives her and fill his house with the light of his joy in her. Men reap what they sow to their wives, very quickly.
Whatever he feels about her determines how she fills his house. Sow a boy cell, reap a boy. Sow a cell of love; reap a house full of love. The secret of happiness in marriage is to be happy with his wife so she can multiply his happiness and reflect it back to him.
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven like having a woman delight in belonging to him, but he must give her a lot to rejoice about (Ecc. 9:9[517]) so that she rejoices with him. Marriage prospers if a man treats his wife as God’s precious unmerited gift from God and from her, and she acts like God’s gift to him.
Can he look your daughter in the eye now, before marriage, and tell her, “For God so loved man that he gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you?” If he can say that, and mean it, and act on it, she’ll be happy in belonging to him.
There is no joy this side of heaven for a man that compares with having a woman like belonging to him, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?
Chapter 9 - Confessing Your Faults to Your Children
In spite of many sources of influence, “research has found that parental relationships had the greatest influence on teen sexual behavior.”[518] Parents must teach clear standards for sexual behavior.
“Young people intuitively know that ‘boundaries’ mandated by those who love them are actually a sign of being loved and valued. Teenagers may push and even rebel against boundaries, but if they know they are loved and cared for by parents with whom they have a good relationship, they will usually not go behind their parents’ backs and cross those boundaries.”[519]
Many teens know the dangers of STDs and unplanned pregnancy, but few know about the psychological and emotional risks of having sex outside a committed marriage.
“Such information has not been available in the past. Knowing this, parents must realize that-despite their own past choices-encouraging their children to wait for sex until they are committed to one person for their lifetime, is the healthiest choice.”[520] [emphasis added]
Parents who didn’t follow God’s path when they were young may feel hypocritical or embarrassed about telling their children that God’s commands about reserving sex for marriage really are for their benefit.
“I’m afraid my kids will find out about some of the things I did. They’ll see that I turned out okay and think that they will too.”[521]
Few teenagers expect their parents to be perfect, but they do expect them to be honest. Given how little we knew about the effect of sex on the human brain, it’s OK to say, “We didn’t know.” This might work:
What to Say
I want you to grow up to serve God, your family, and your church. I want you to avoid mistakes I made, but I don’t need to tell you my mistakes in areas you won’t go. Suppose I’d tried skateboarding as a teen. A hotdogger had some fancy moves down a railing on a park stairway. My parents said it was dangerous and told me not to try it. He made it look so easy that I tried it one afternoon. I fell and shattered a bone in my leg. I was in a painful cast for weeks, but I healed completely over time.
If you didn’t do skateboarding, there’d be no need for me to tell you this, right? But if you started doing it, I should tell you how I disobeyed my parents and had a lot of pain, even if it’s embarrassing, shouldn’t I?
You may or may not skateboard, but you’ll learn to drive. There are dangers in driving, as you know, and we’re trying to keep you safe. Furthermore, you’ll also have sex. We now know that there are dangers in sex beyond pregnancy and diseases. We want to keep you safe from the harms we now know about.
The Bible doesn’t generally say why God gives the commands He gives. Consider:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
Some tell girls not to kiss because it may give him ideas. That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When he and she have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner[522] [emphasis added]
Just sitting close to a man or inhaling the smell of his body can trigger a woman’s desire for more.
If a young woman becomes physically close to and hugs a man, it will trigger the bonding process, creating a greater desire to be near him. . . . if he wants to escalate the physical nature of the relationship, it will become harder and harder for her to say no.[523] [emphasis added]
Showing how physical contact between men and women works on your brain and how it builds desire to go “all the way” fills many pages; 1 Cor 7:1 above puts it in one verse. Research shows that sex can hurt badly:
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[524] [emphasis added]
The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are “designed” to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter[525] Note: the authors know in their hearts that our mating hormones were designed by God. They can’t admit that, so they put quotes around “designed.”
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[526]
Sexual involvement triggers your brain and binds you to that person. Even if you eventually marry that one, having sex outside God’s marriage covenant brings damage:
. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex[527]
Learning to drive can kill or hurt you badly. Breaking up after being sexually bound in a relationship isn’t likely to kill you, but it can make it very hard for you to have the fulfilling marriage God wants for you.
Early sex isn’t guaranteed to wreck your future marriage any more than smoking is guaranteed to give you cancer, but it causes a lot of pain and shifts the odds against you. That’s why God tells you:
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
You can’t separate God’s love from His holiness. His love makes Him want to bless you, but His Holiness means He can’t unless you keep His commandments! You can choose to follow Him or go your own way:
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
God put very strong desires into men and women so that we’d pair up to give Him children. God’s plan of marriage brings joy to both. There’s no reason to fear failure if you choose to do marriage God’s way!
Chapter 10 - Neuroscience Shows How Sex Affects the Human Brain
Taxpayer-funded research is in a “replicability crisis” because many “scientific” studies can’t be repeated. Confirming earlier results is a vital part of the scientific method; such failures undermine confidence in the scientific process. What’s worse, basing medical treatment on false study results can kill people.
It’s hard to separate good science from bad. When science touches subjects found in the Word of God, we can see if science lines up with Scripture. For example, this article[528] discusses a study on anger management that has a section on call centers. Nobody calls when they’re happy; every call is from an unhappy customer.
The authors said “a soft answer turneth away wrath (Pr. 15:1)” and listed soft answers for different types of wrathful customers. This gave credibility to what the authors said. Hooked also agrees with Scripture.
Hooked: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development https://a.co/d/23NZaPL explains how hormones produced by sex change our brains to bind us to our sexual partner. As God put it,
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
Hooked explains God’s command that men and women marry before having sex to build families and make children. Those commands take 5 or 10 verses in the Bible. Hooked has 173 pages. If God explained the reason for each of His commands, the Bible would be far too big for hand-copying. God seldom explains why He gave a command, He expects us to obey through faith.
The preface explains that Hooked contradicts popular narratives about human sexuality:
“There are a lot of people who won’t like this book because it explains why sex should occur in appropriate settings, what those settings are, and how scientific evidence today confirms these findings. . . . It provides a needed science and medical perspective to a solution often discounted as a moral, religious, or political issue. Indeed, sex preserved for the context of marriage is still the optimal decision for physical mental, emotional, social, and spiritual health.” [emphasis added]
[Holy Matrimony where spouses choose to praise each other and serve each other] greatly increases the chance for a child to be raised in a nurturing two-parent home, which studies have shown provides a child the most advantageous environment for growing into his or her potential.[529] [emphasis added]
Hooked shows that any physical interaction between a woman and a man can trigger neurochemicals which change their brains to bind them together. These drives are essential for human reproduction. In a marriage, sex can “addict” husband and wife to be content to live together all their days as God expects.
“Those who abstain from sex until marriage significantly add to their chance for avoiding problems and finding happiness.”[530]
“Drugs such as cocaine and amphetamine target dopamine neurons.[531]
In other words, love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[532] [emphasis added]
“The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are ‘designed’ to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter”[533] [emphasis added]
Some tell women not to kiss because kissing may give a man ideas. That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When both parties have the same idea, it’s hard to stop.
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin [a hormone that draws men and women together] is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.[534] [emphasis added]
“It was the hardest thing we ever did, but we’re so glad we waited. We had to talk through our disagreements. We couldn’t just feel close by having sex; we had to really work things out.”[535]
“. . . we know that people who have had sex before they entered into marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who had not had prior sex”[536]
Sexual interaction can bind women into harmful relationships:
Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate. Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship. She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can’t make herself separate. This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive.[537] [emphasis added]
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[538]). Giving herself to a man binds her to him. Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly. Breaking up can make it hard for either of them to form strong marriage bonds later.
“I was so naïve he said we wouldn’t go all the way but he kept pushing and we finally did it. Now I care about him but am angry at him all at the same time. I don’t know if I can ever trust him fully again.”[539]
How can a woman follow a man whom she doesn’t trust? If he took her without marriage, how can she trust him not to take other women? If she gave himself without marriage, how can he trust her not to do it again with someone else? Distrust is not a good foundation for a marriage.
If he can have her without marriage, what would marriage give him that he doesn’t have?
“The hardest breakup I ever had was with the first person I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don’t think I’m over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I’m married now and I feel like it’s a threesome in my heart. He is still there. It is like he is a part of me and I still can’t get over him.”[540]
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more . . .”[541] [emphasis added]
The pill lets people treat sex as nothing more than play. This harms women. A woman wants to be valued for far more than sex and can become depressed when she finds that a boy saw her as an interchangeable sex toy, see “Unprotected” page 40. Being repeatedly discarded can make it hard for a woman to trust any future husband enough to give herself to him as freely and as joyfully as God and her husband expect.
Although parents are the most significant influence in their children’s lives, few parents are willing to discuss Hooked to help their kids avoid the emotional dangers. This note on page 77 suggests an approach to the subject no matter what the parents may have done.
Although a mother is best to teach her daughter about men, the note on page 65 suggests ways fathers can help prepare their daughters to be God’s good and perfect gifts to their husbands.
Page 71 helps a father get ready to discuss marriage with a man who’s pursuing his daughter. She can make her husband no happier than he makes her. How happy does a father want his son-in-law to be?
Older Women Must Instruct Younger Women About Men
It used to be that older women only had to teach younger women about men, children, and homes. Younger women now also need to know what to say when a man approaches, see page 41.
This is what the Bible teaches about instructing younger women:
The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5
Scripture has two examples of older women instructing younger women. Naomi told Ruth and Orpha the major benefit a woman should receive from marriage:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
She told Ruth to ask Boaz to marry her and then instructed Ruth how to behave in order to get married:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
There are many verses teaching wives how to behave after marriage:
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. 3Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:1-6
The wife’s mother in the Song instructs her daughter how to stay married:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother’s house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
Women dislike having it pointed out that it’s fraud for a woman not to open herself to her husband just as much as men dislike hearing that it’s fraud for a man not to open his heart to his wife.
“But the beneficial effect of dopamine [a pleasure-giving hormone that is released during sex] for the married couple is that sex may play a role in ‘addicting’ them to each other and thus reinforcing their desire to remain together year after year.”[542] [emphasis added]
The wife’s mother knows that her daughter has more capacity than her husband and can accept all the sexual energy he can produce. This makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him to work loaded, on the other hand, he may be tempted by women at work and they could get burned.
Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:27
And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger? Proverbs 5:20
Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Proverbs 5:15
Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
The Song starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her. Where does that go?
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
She rejoices in their belonging to each other and in his desire for her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
Sex binds a husband to his wife and to their children. This strengthens the marriage:
“Vasopressin [the neurochemical that affects a man’s brain as oxytocin affects a woman’s brain] seems to have two primary functions related to relationships: initiation of bonding of the man to his mate and attachment to his offspring. . . . Often referred to as the ‘monogamy molecule,’ vasopressin seems to be a primary cause of men attaching to a woman with whom they have close and intimate physical contact. . . . it plays an important role in in initiating sexual bonding and bonding between fathers and children.”[543] [emphasis added]
“Drugs such as cocaine and amphetamine target dopamine neurons.[544]
In other words, love, on a biochemical level, is a lot like addiction. The healthy addiction of a lifelong monogamous sexual relationship even has measurable physical benefits.”[545] [emphasis added]
God generally arranges that men die before their wives because it is not good for a man to be alone and women are better able to comfort a widow than men can comfort a widower. The “measurable physical benefits” of sex help a husband live longer which shortens his wife’s time of widowhood.
Emotional Upheaval Hurts Women More Than It Hurts Men
God made women for men (I Cor. 11:8-9[546]). Giving herself to a man binds her to him. Sex binds a man to her but not as strongly. Breaking up can make it very hard for either of them to form a strong marriage later.
“One significant but sad outcome of becoming involved in an intense romantic relationship that breaks up, especially if it has become sexual, is emotional upheaval. Men can experience these feelings, but women suffer more. . .”[547] [emphasis added]
“The most up-to-date research suggests that most humans are ‘designed’ to be sexually monogamous with one mate for life. This information also shows that the further individuals deviate from this behavior, the more problems they encounter”[548] [emphasis added]
God blames the man for engaging a woman’s emotions when he wasn’t willing to marry her.
Few Men Appreciate These Verses
Like Adam, most men blame their wives for marriage issues. A man must lead his wife by serving her:
But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant. Matthew 23:11
If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all. Mark 9:35
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
And he said unto them, The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors. 26But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve. Luke 22:25-26
God expects a man to know enough about his wife to serve her effectively to nourish her and cherish her:
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
King Lemuel’s mother taught her son to teach his children to honor and appreciate their mother:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
A man must know how to set his wife apart from all other women. He must marry her before having sex with her. He honors her by focusing his all his male-female attention on her and on her alone:
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: 4That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:3-5
Neuroscience shows that love and lust come from different parts of the brain:
“. . . the finding that the brain centers that produce feelings of romance and love are different and separate from the brain centers responsible for lust is a huge warning to adolescents and young adults. A selfish and manipulate person may have an intense desire to have sex with another person. To accomplish that goal, they may lie about being in love. It is important to know that the desire someone has for sex can exist without any feelings of caring, love or romance.”[549] [emphasis added]
“. . . they [women] say that they ‘give’ sex for security”[550]
Sanctification by setting her apart as “but one” for him is also taught in the Song:
My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
They must humbly “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[551])” to make this work. The Bible tells how:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
A pastor resented the idea that he made his wife’s submission hard by defrauding her in not meeting her need for enough talk to build her emotional connection to him. From the pulpit, he said:
“What’s her problem? All she has to do is lie there.”
“Men, never try to explain anything to women, they won’t understand. Just command ‘em.”
He omitted the fact that a woman can’t obey what she doesn’t understand and can’t follow if she doesn’t know where he’s going. Such explanations take a lot of time. Men push back strongly when we point this out.
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Colossians 3:19
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
As usual, God rewards obedience:
There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
Opening his heart to his wife long enough and often enough to learn everything God expects him to know about her teaches her a lot about him. The better she knows him, the better she can please him.
David and Bathsheba
“The individual who goes from sex partner to sex partner is causing his brain to mold and gel so that it eventually begins accepting that sexual pattern as normal. . . . The pattern of hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again can eventually override the natural bonding that occurs between two intimately involved individuals. Although oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine continue to be released with sexual intimacy, the physical rut that is formed between the synapses [brain cell connections] subconsciously influences the continuation of the promiscuous behavior. The conflict between the natural behavior and the learned behavior can result, in some cases, in a boredom with sex itself.”[552] [emphasis added]
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
Ecc. 2 lists many things that gave Solomon no joy, but Ecc. 9:9 promises joy in loving “the wife” whom you love. Why couldn’t Solomon find joy with any of his 1,000 women? Why did David commit adultery with Bathsheba when he had so many wives? “Hooking up and breaking up and hooking up again” damaged their ability to bond to anyone and led them to seek new adventures, Solomon in idolatry, David in adultery:
“When connectedness and bonding form again and then are quickly broken and replaced with another sexual relationship, it seems to cause damage to the brain’s natural connecting or bonding mechanism.”[553]
Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold. Deuteronomy 17:17
God criticized David for not being content with what God had given him:
And I gave thee thy master’s house, and thy master’s wives into thy bosom, and gave thee the house of Israel and of Judah; and if that had been too little, I would moreover have given unto thee such and such things. 9Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon. 10Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife. II Samuel 12:8-10
Men Don’t Always Respect or Honor Women
Shechem defiled Dinah by lying with her without marriage (Gen. 34:2). Amon raped Tamar (II Samuel 13).
Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:5
God holds men accountable for such sins. God blamed David, not Bathsheba.
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Abraham traveled to Egypt during a famine (Gen. 12:10-20) and told Sarah to say she was his sister:
The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. Genesis 12:15
Pharaoh didn’t ask if Sarah wanted to come to his house. Adam didn’t ask Eve whether she wanted to be called “woman (Gen. 2:23)” or “Eve (Gen. 3:20).” Nobody asked Esther whether she wanted to belong to King Ahasuerus (Est. 2:8[554]). David didn’t ask Bathsheba if she wanted to date him (2 Sam. 11:4[555]).
The king of Gerar wasn’t happy when Isaac lied and said that Rebekah was his sister:
And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us. Genesis 26:10
Raping an unmarried woman was but a light moment of pleasure because she had no right to her own body. Rebekah was married, so her rapist would have been guilty of a property crime against her husband. The “natural man” sees nothing wrong with raping a woman if opportunity comes.
The Bible isn’t alone in describing a natural man taking rape lightly. “The Sexual Assault Case That Shook Ancient Rome“[556] explains:
A prominent politician was accused of raping a 12-year-old actress—in 54 B.C. The way his legendary lawyer dismissed it speaks volumes about how we prosecute these crimes now. . . .
It was more than 2,000 years before the #MeToo movement, but a scene similar to the ones we’ve witnessed so often lately was already playing out. A prominent politician was on trial for corruption and bribery, charges bolstered by dirt his enemies had dug up from his past: the violent sexual assault of a young girl.
Those charges of corruption and bribery were a serious matter, but to the men in the court, the rape charge was nothing. It was harmless boys-will-be-boys misbehavior — something half the men there were guilty of themselves. [emphasis added]
Men haven’t changed much so women must be taught to be careful. Women complain about “rape culture” but put themselves in dangerous situations such as getting drunk at parties. If a woman leaves her purse in a convertible with the top down, should she be surprised if someone steals it? People shouldn’t steal purses and men shouldn’t rape, but shouldn’t women exercise “due care?”
Men Must Dwell According to Knowledge of Their Wives, Possessing Them in Honor, Not Lust
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:4-5
“. . . the finding that the brain centers that produce feelings of romance and love are different and separate from the brain centers responsible for lust is a huge warning to adolescents and young adults. A selfish and manipulate person may have an intense desire to have sex with another person. To accomplish that goal, they may lie about being in love. It is important to know that the desire someone has for sex can exist without any feelings of caring, love or romance.”[557] [emphasis added]
“. . . they[women] say that they ‘give’ sex for security”[558]
Eve Was Ok With Adam Claiming Her And Naming Her
And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23
And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. Genesis 3:20
By this time, Gen. 3:16[559] had expanded Adam’s job description to “keep” the garden (Gen. 2:15[560]) to explicitly establish Adam’s rule over Eve. Nebuchadnezzar established ownership of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego by naming them. My wife accepted the post-marital name I gave.
My wife and I talked an hour the day we met; I told her I was going to date her. I didn’t ask her, I told her
Adam was attracted to Eve strongly enough to name her (Gen. 3:20[561]) even after she’d helped him lose his comfortable job tending the garden. I was strongly attracted, but I needed to know if she’d take direction.
Women’s lib had proclaimed that women should get jobs instead of depending on husbands and that there was no reason for women to obey husbands. “Liberated” women at work were Bad News even before #MeToo – they tended to disobey male managers simply because the direction came from men. As one libbie told me, “I do what my husband would have told me to do if he had fully understood the situation.”
Having verified her salvation and intelligence, I needed to know whether she’d been infected with that. I knew from what my classmates said about girlfriends that having her object to whatever I said would be unworkable. A man can’t protect a woman without either her cooperation or her incarceration. Juliet disobeyed her father and sneaked out to be with Romeo. It didn’t end well. Would she obey me?
I also knew that God expected me to lead her by serving her even while dating. Servant leadership works only on those who are willing to be led. I had to settle that right from the start.
She knew that I was taking command. The wheels turned behind her eyes 15-20 seconds, she gulped, and said “OK.” She could have said “No” and left, her car was right there, but she did want to date me.
Being wanted badly enough to be claimed was OK with her. Our choosing to serve each other by meeting the other’s needs has turned out well, just as the Bible promises.
God Increased A Woman’s Desire For A Man As A Punishment
Gen 3:16559 said that Eve would desire a husband and that her husband would rule her. Having refused to follow God’s perfect leadership by disobeying Him, she was now subject to her husband’s imperfect leadership. Not having been content with God’s provision, she now depended on her husband for food, clothing, and shelter. The Bible explains this in one verse, see page 4.
Adam had been put in the garden “to dress it and to keep it, (Gen 2:15)” “Keep” means “protect.” He didn’t protect the garden from the serpent. His mandate included duty to protect Eve as a man must protect not only his own wife but just about any woman from harm. This used to be called “Chivalry.”
Adam didn’t stop Even from fulfilling her desire to eat the fruit, see page 14. He didn’t protect the garden from the serpent. His failure affected Eve’s life after the fall, see page 15. God blamed Adam for the fall:
But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. 13For Adam was first formed, then Eve. 14And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. I Timothy 2:12-14
For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Romans 5:19
Eve wasn’t formed until after Adam named the animals. Adam realized his loneliness: having considered every animal, there was not found an help meet for him (Gen. 2:20). Then God formed Eve and brought her to Adam. Did God say, “Hi, Adam, I’m sorry you didn’t like any of My animals. Here’s someone I whipped up, why not talk to her, you might like her.” Did God have to say that? No.
Having created Adam, God knew exactly what Adam wanted, He knew what Adam needed, and He had His own agenda. He thought about all this when forming Eve. It worked – Adam knew that Eve was what he wanted. He named her “woman,” named her “Eve,” and claimed her as I recognized that my wife was what I wanted. I claimed her after verifying her salvation and intelligence. I named her before we married.
My Wife-To-Be Liked Being Wanted - Desire For Male Attention Is Deep Within Women
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
God put a desire to be with Adam into Eve when creating Eve to help Adam, but He increased women’s desire to be affiliated to a man as a punishment: “thy desire shall be to thy husband (Gen. 3:16).”
“. . . they [women] say that they ‘give’ sex for security”[562]
And in that day seven women shall take hold of one man, saying, We will eat our own bread, and wear our own apparel: only let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach. Isaiah 4:1
Something like that happened in Britain after WWI. So many men had been killed that many women were unable to find husbands. Polygamy was not permitted so this solution could not be practiced. In any case, women must be taught that their desire to be with a man can lead them into serious trouble.
Women Tolerate AMAZING Abuse From Men Once They Get Emotionally Involved
Abusing women is never OK. It’s amazing that women tolerate as much abuse as news media say they do.
One could argue that Nabal abused his wife, but examples from contemporary news give more details. In 1987, a woman found her husband’s gun and shot him as he slept. He’d beaten her and threatened to kill her if she left him. The hospital ER reported that her ribs had been broken, she had kidney and stomach problems, and he could’ve killed her at any time. She got 15 years for murder.
Someone asked her governor for a pardon, saying she couldn’t leave him, killing was the only way to get away, she wasn’t dangerous to anyone else, and they should let her go. The record said she got a gun and killed a sleeping man with forethought, that’s murder one without any room for doubt.
I thought she could have called the cops and gotten a ride to a shelter given that he was asleep.
I asked a friend if a woman really could be trapped in a terrifying, harmful, life-threatening situation and not be able to leave. To my surprise, my friend said her parents divorced when she was about 4, and for 3 or 4 years, she and her mother lived with a drunk who beat her mother. “Every Friday,” she told me, “I’d call the cops, and they’d try to calm him down.” She had to wait until the boyfriend started actually beating her mother, if she called too early, the cops got upset with her.
Her mother had college and a good job, why did it take years for her to get away from this drunk? According to Time Magazine of January 18, 1993, the men in their lives injure more American women, rich and poor alike, than car accidents, muggings, and rape combined. This can be driven by hormones:
Much like dopamine, it [oxytocin] is an involuntary process that cannot distinguish between a one-night stand and a lifelong soul mate. Oxytocin can cause a woman to begin to bond to a man even during what was expected to be a short-term sexual relationship. She may know he is not the man she would want to marry but intimate sexual involvement may cause her to be so attached to him she can’t make herself separate. This can lead to a woman being taken off-guard by a desire to stay with a man she would otherwise find undesirable and staying with him even if he is possessive or abusive.[563] [emphasis added]
That’s why women must be careful about letting their emotions trap them in bad relationships.
An Important Biblical Warning
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Once you love someone, once you get emotionally involved with someone, your happiness depends a lot on that person’s happiness with you and you become more vulnerable to being hurt. I believe that’s why Peter didn’t want to admit to himself that he loved Jesus (Jn. 21:15-17). Loving Jesus would mean he had to love the lost, which meant he would sorrow when those whom he loved refused the gospel and went to Hell.
When a woman becomes emotionally involved with a man, his opinion of her and the way he speaks to her become very important to her. That’s why it’s prudent for a woman to avoid letting herself love a man until after he commits himself to her by marrying her. She shouldn’t marry him unless he treats her with honor and respect beforehand but she won’t know to expect respect or require honor without having been taught.
A man who loves a woman can be hurt as badly as a woman who loves a man. A man should not become involved with a woman unless he’s sure he can make her happy. What the Holy Spirit told Roberta to tell me gave me confidence that it was safe for me to marry her and to let myself love her, page 35.
The Bible warns five times that an unhappy woman is a hardship:
the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
This is a warning to men. Having made women smaller and weaker than men and having made women depend on men for food and raiment, God gave men a reason to work at making women happy.
Few Americans Treat Others As People As Opposed To Treating Them As Men And Women
The Bible tells us how people who aren’t married to each other should interact:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
I kept our first talk with my wife person to person. From a transcript, you wouldn’t know whether it was a girl mish kid talking to an American boy or a boy mish kid talking to an American girl. Once I decided she was worth my time, I flipped it to man-woman and told her I was going to date her.
“When two people touch each other in a warm, meaningful, and intimate way, oxytocin is released into the woman’s brain. The oxytocin in the brain does two things: increases a woman’s desire for more touches and can begin producing bonding of the woman to the man she has been spending time in physical contact with, as her brain begins to be molded to connect her to the man.”[564] [emphasis added]
“From an experiment on hugging, we also know that oxytocin is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner”[565] [emphasis added]
There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage. Men and women can converse as people by avoiding man-woman thoughts or emotions. Your spouse is the only person in the world whose gender should matter to you.
Man-woman talk is dangerous at work. You must please your boss to keep a job. It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much. This can lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with woman-man talk that doesn’t meet God’s standards of purity.
Other Science Reports Which Show How God Did What He Did
These reports explain the neurological mechanisms behind the binding effects described in Hooked.
Seminal Fluid Absorbed into a Woman’s Bloodstream Improves Her Mood
Many mothers suffer from post-partum depression after giving birth. This can severely limit a woman’s ability to function as an effective wife and mother. God gave a way to reduce this. The article Vaginal exposure to semen elevates women’s mood explains:
- One study found that women whose vaginas were exposed to semen (i.e., ones who reported “never” using condoms) showed significantly better mood.
- The positive effects of semen on mood include fewer bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts.
- The effect of semen on mood could be advantageous for sexually active women over age 50 who are experiencing menopausal blues.
...sperm comprise only about 3 percent of semen. The rest is
seminal fluid: mostly water, plus about 50 compounds: sugar (to nourish sperm),
immunosuppressants (to keep women’s immune systems from destroying sperm), and
oddly, two female sex hormones, and many mood-elevating compounds:
endorphins, estrone, prolactin, oxytocin, thyrotrpin-releasing hormone, and
serotonin.
Vaginal tissue is very absorptive. It’s richly endowed with blood and
lymph vessels. [emphasis added]
9 Surprising Things To Know About Semen
“Another way a partner can be allergic to their partner’s semen is if she has an allergy to a particular food or antibiotic, for example, and the male partner has eaten the food or is taking the antibiotic to which she is allergic,” Dr. Reitano added. “The allergen accumulates in the male’s semen, and when it is placed in the vagina, the allergen is absorbed into the bloodstream. The female partner may develop widespread hives or worse.” https://www.health.com/sex/semen-facts [emphasis added]
The Britannica Confirms That Semen Contains Hormones
Semen biochemistry, also known as seminal fluid https://www.britannica.com/science/semen
Fluids contributed by the seminal vesicles are approximately 60 percent of the total semen volume; these fluids contain fructose, amino acids, citric acid, phosphorus, potassium, and hormones known as prostaglandins.
Prostaglandin https://www.britannica.com/science/prostaglandin
Chapter 11 - Developing Church Leaders
The Word of God explains what qualifies a man to be a church leader:
This is a true saying, If a man desire the office of a bishop, he desireth a good work. 2A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; 3Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous; 4One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; 5(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?) I Timothy 3:1-5
Church leaders must have good character, but bad people can pretend to have good character. “Ruleth well his own house” is hard to fake – we can see his children. God wrote, “rule his own house” twice but then He wrote “take care of the church of God.” Church leaders rule their houses but take care of the church.
If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly. 7For a bishop must be blameless, as the steward of God; not selfwilled, not soon angry, not given to wine, no striker, not given to filthy lucre; 8But a lover of hospitality, a lover of good men, sober, just, holy, temperate; 9Holding fast the faithful word as he hath been taught, that he may be able by sound doctrine both to exhort and to convince the gainsayers. Titus 1:6-9
Faithful children and unruly children are easy to see. These requirements aren’t just for church leaders:
And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; II Timothy 2:24-25
All of us must be gentle, teaching meekly and patiently, why? So God can draw people to the truth. That’s how we win the lost – gentle, meek teaching and persuading. This requires a lot of Bible knowledge.
Ask an Olympic gymnast, or a champion skier, or a high-end musician, they’ll say they started by age 4 or 5. It’s hard to be world-class if you start late. How soon should we start teaching our children the Word of God? Before they learn to talk, we need to sing Christian songs to them. When you read the Bible, have the child say all the words the child can read and teach more words over time. Talk about God. What do we say?
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. 6And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Deuteronomy 6:5-7
Teach your children to love God by encouraging them to praise God for everything He’s given. Talk about a beautiful sunset God has given us. Praise Him for the rain that feeds our flowers, our food, and our thirst.
Therefore shall ye lay up these my words in your heart and in your soul, and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that they may be as frontlets between your eyes. 19And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Deuteronomy 11:18-19
The command to bathe your children in the Word of God is given twice. You must know the Bible well to do that. That starts before they walk or talk. Now, let’s look at God’s teachings how to lead.
Servant Leadership is Godly Leadership
When His disciples argued over which was the greatest, Jesus told them and showed them how to lead:
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all. Mark 9:35
That’s the secret – a Godly leader serves his followers. A man serves his wife and family, a mother serves her children, a military leader takes care of his men, a boss takes care of his people, and a church leader cares for everyone in the house of God. Those who lead the most should serve the most, it’s that simple.
Leaders must have a goal and a plan, if you don’t know where you’re going, you can’t lead anybody there.
As you bring up your children to walk God’s path, teach them to lead. Pr. 31:1 introduces the wisdom King Lemuel’s mother gave him. She taught him how to lead a kingdom, a business, a church, or a family:
· Don’t mess with women (Pr. 31:3[566]), particularly someone else’s woman.
· Don’t abuse mind-altering substances (Pr. 31:4-5[567]), neither alcohol nor drugs.
· Take care of your people when they’re hurt (Pr. 31:6-7[568]) either physically or emotionally.
· Treat your people fairly (Pr. 31:8-9[569]) by hearing every word, both facts and feelings (Mt. 18:15-17[570])!
We can’t fulfill the last two without building open, loving relationships. How else can we tell between the needy and the lazy, the good and the glib? Mrs. Lemuel’s leadership wisdom helps in any path we walk.
Rescue the Perishing – Lift Up the Fallen
God shows a simple way to take care of your people when they’re hurting. I Kings 18 tells how Elijah challenged the people on Mt. Carmel to choose between God and Baal. They put a sacrifice on the altar without a fire. The priests of Baal prayed, but Baal did nothing. Then Elijah poured water over the sacrifice and called on God. God sent fire and burned up the water, the stones, and the sacrifice. The people decided to follow God; they killed all 450 prophets of Baal. What a revival! Then what happened?
Jezebel said she’d kill Elijah. I Kings 19:1-4[571] tells how he ran for his life and went two days journey into the wilderness. Right after Elijah’s greatest victory for God, he ran. He was so discouraged that he asked God to kill him, he was suicidal. Who says God’s people don’t get discouraged? Do church people feel down? What did God do? Did God criticize Elijah for running? No, God didn’t criticize Elijah, God sent an angel to feed him, “Arise and eat, the journey is too great for thee (1 Ki. 19:5-7[572]).” Step one is feed the suffering.
And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God. 9And he came thither unto a cave, and lodged there; and, behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said unto him, What doest thou here, Elijah? 10And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. I Kings 19:8-10
The food helped but Elijah was still discouraged – he thought he was the only one left on God’s side.
That’s outstanding leadership. Elijah lost heart, he ran, he stopped serving God, and does God blast him? No, God feeds him and asks, “How’s it going, Elijah.” Elijah tells God how Elijah sees it and God listens to his thoughts and emotions with compassion. LISTEN TO YOUR PEOPLE!! They may not see things your way.
The next verses show God building Elijah back up into being a good follower again. God tells him to anoint Hazael and Jehu and to call Elisha to be a prophet after him. He has something simple to do and giving him an assistant to learn the job means he won’t feel so alone.
God gives His people rest, simple tasks, and pep talks when they wipe out. A discouraged person with nothing to do sits, soaks, and sours; God kept Elijah too busy to sour. He can’t face Jezebel, but he can anoint. God told Elijah that he was not alone and that he was on the winning side:
Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him. I Kings 19:18
Elijah didn’t know the whole story; God gave him encouraging facts. Encouragement and a task he could do got Elijah back on the job. That’s how you rescue the perishing, it’s all in the Book.
Men don’t always have the whole picture, that’s why God gives a man a wife to help him see what he can’t see and why God gave us prayer so the Holy Spirit can show us more.
Leading Women
Half the congregation will be women. The Bible commands husbands:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
Women differ from each other a lot more than men do. The only way a husband can dwell with his wife according to knowledge of her is to spend hours and hours opening his heart to her in talk. A leader should never talk that way to any woman who’s not his wife. A church leader must talk to his own wife enough to know her well enough to explain his plans and goals to her in detail. She can explain the details to the women and carry their concerns and questions back to her husband. That keeps him from temptation.
Women should ask their husbands at home (1 Cor. 14:35[573]) or ask the pastor in public or as a couple.
A husband must give honor to his wife, partly because she’s a weaker vessel and can be easily hurt if he’s careless about honoring her. God tells leaders how to honor all the women in the church.
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
Honoring all women with all purity must be taught from an early age. In the flesh, a man doesn’t see much wrong with sex without marriage even if she isn’t willing, page 40. How does a father teach his sons to honor all women as God commands? Mrs. Lemuel explained that to her son:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 31Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:28-29, 31
King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his wife. She told him to teach his children to bless their mother and that he should tell their children that she’s the best wife and mother in the world. Children are born selfish. Their father must show them how to appreciate their mother by doing it himself and commanding them to honor her by punishing them when they don’t. The Song of Solomon shows a man praising his wife in every detail. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. A son who’s been taught all his days to honor his mother, his sisters, and all women can honor women he leads. A daughter who’s been shown how her father and brothers honor her mother knows what to expect of any man.
Teach young men to honor women and teach girls to insist on being both honored and cared for.
Be Careful What You Ask For
Leaders must be careful what they ask; their followers might do it. We all lead from time to time. How we lead makes all the difference in how successful we are. Let’s see an example from the Bible:
And David longed, and said, Oh that one would give me drink of the water of the well of Bethlehem, which is by the gate! 16And the three mighty men brake through the host of the Philistines, and drew water out of the well of Bethlehem, that was by the gate, and took it, and brought it to David: nevertheless he would not drink thereof, but poured it out unto the LORD. 17And he said, Be it far from me, O LORD, that I should do this: is not this the blood of the men that went in jeopardy of their lives? therefore he would not drink it. These things did these three mighty men. II Samuel 23:15-17
David was careless. David “longed” for a drink of Bethlehem water. He didn’t demand, he didn’t ask, but his “mighty men” risked their lives to give him his wish because they wanted to please him. They carried out David’s wish because they loved him, not just because he was above them in the army. When you lead, watch what you say, you may get more obedience than is right before God.
The Bible tells wives to submit to their husbands and tells children to obey their parents, but the Bible also puts limits on leaders. Ephesians 6:4 tells fathers not to “provoke your children to wrath,” that is, don’t abuse your authority as David abused his.
You can command obedience, but commanding isn’t enough, unwilling followers stop following when you aren’t watching. Earning loyalty through honor and convincing saves you a lot of work in the long run. If followers agree with you, if they’re convinced that what you want is right, they do right when you’re not there. Paul was the greatest church planter ever, how did he lead?
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad. Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:10-11a
So to lead, love them, persuade them, and serve them. If serving is beneath you, leading is beyond you.
Honor your people (1 Pe. 2:17[574]), take care of your people when they’re hurt, explain the plan, be apt to teach, be patient, and show how to apply Scripture to their daily lives. The answers really are in God’s Word!
Chapter 12 - Marriage Handout
The foundation of joyful Holy Matrimony is both parties being convinced in their bones that God is good.
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8, 15, 21, 31
The man knows that everything about his wife that irritates him is from God to bless him. His wife knows that everything about him that drives her crazy is from God to bless her. It may take years of asking God for wisdom to figure out how they’re blessed, but the way God made men and women blesses both.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:40
Being Married
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
1. Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well.
2. She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they both made public marriage vows before he took her.
3. Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting a man is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:2[575]).
Attitude of Gratitude
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
A man limits his wife’s ability to make him happy if he limits his appreciation of everything about her.
Getting Married
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18 The best advice on getting married there is.
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth suggested it, it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. If a woman gives a man rest outside marriage, her value falls (Pr. 31:10[576]). What would marriage give that he doesn’t have? Why take on responsibility?
Dwelling According to Knowledge
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
This means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, and feelings and think about her when making decisions. If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband always brings home chocolate, does he love her? Will she feel loved? The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation. There’s a reward – the better your wife knows you, the more easily she can please you.
Staying Married
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome him into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather not is what submission means. She has more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his energy to keep him focused. If she sends him off to work loaded, he may be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28[577]).
Husband Leads by Serving
And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
Husband Leads in Appreciation
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Mrs. Lemuel taught her son to praise his wife and teach his children to follow his example of praising and appreciating her. This teaches the “attitude of gratitude” which blesses them all their lives. Praise is partly to encourage his wife and partly to teach her children to respect her. If her daughters respect her, she can teach them how to be treasures for their future husbands instead of being toys. If her sons respect her, she can teach them how to be blessed by their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son in Pr. 31.
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Not once. Really? What about this?
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Job 2:9
Job’s wife lost seven sons who were her hope of being fed after her husband died – no pensions. Her husband lost his money and spoke of dying. He said she spoke “like a foolish woman.” That implied she wasn’t usually foolish, it was halfway a compliment. He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
A husband’s criticism dries his wife’s bones and can shorten her life. Praise helps her live longer.
God Speaks to Women
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to value her dream. He should have let the help meet God gave help him.
Wife Respects Her Husband and Guides His House
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
Women are driven to talk about caring for husbands, children, and homes. That’s a good thing.
Chapter 13 - Handling Disputes and Anger at Home, at Church, at Work, and in the World
God expects His church to come together in fellowship without offense or anger:
That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. I Corinthians 12:25
God also told us how to resolve any disagreement, trespass, or offense. God’s plan for finding peace requires that we have a humble, practical willingness to deal with whatever robs the soul and spirit of peace and joy. Healing disagreement is important in any group, family, or church because we need each other:
And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; I Corinthians 12:26a
We can’t accomplish God’s purpose in our local church if the Body of Believers is divided or in anger.
Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth. Luke 11:17b
Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:4
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26
We must heal hurts fast because memories fade. These are God’s commands for restoring peace:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Matthew 18:15-17
The Scofield Reference Bible put the heading “CHURCH DISCIPLINE” before Mt. 18:15. This suggests that God’s process is only for matters that could throw someone out of church. That’s wrong - God’s plan works for anything that upsets you enough that you can’t ignore it.
- Trespass means to sin, intrude, infringe, or encroach. This includes offenses.
- Offense includes insult, attack, or anything that bothers or offends you.
What if You Don’t Heal Hurts as They Happen?
Anger and frustration build when hurts aren’t healed. We remember that we’re offended but may forget why we’re angry if we don’t settle offenses as fast as God requires. This is deadly in marriage, in churches, and at work. When anger spreads to an entire group, we must heal many people at once. Paul set the goal:
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
The goal is to put the anger behind and get the group working together to press toward the mark.
Settling a Group Offense God’s Way
I was a new hire, and for some reason, the boss left me in charge of the office when he was away for a week. On Monday morning, my new colleagues came to me about longstanding anger. I had no idea what the problem was and couldn’t get a straight story. That happened in Ephesus:
Some therefore cried one thing, and some another: for the assembly was confused: and the more part knew not wherefore they were come together. Acts 19:32 see also Acts 21:34[578]
The fact that I wasn’t yet part of the group made it easier for them to let me lead the search for an answer.
“I don’t care about facts.” I said. “It’s been building for years and nobody remembers why. We won’t bring up what happened; we’ll deal with feelings. We’ll say how we feel, one at a time. There are 4 rules.
1) Everybody has to be in this together, is there anyone else who should be here?
2) Only one thought, hurt, feeling, or idea per turn.
3) Don’t blame anyone. Everybody was involved. Don’t give names. If you say, ‘I was upset when he said…,’ that’s out of bounds. Say, ‘I was upset when I heard...’ or ‘when this happened.’
4) Only the person holding this Bible may speak; wait until it gets passed to you.
Everybody got that?” They nodded.
As we went around the group, someone interrupted, “That’s not what I meant. I was trying to...”
“Wait your turn,” I said. “We need apologies. We need forgiveness. Without forgiveness, we can’t work together. When it’s your turn, if you’re sorry, we will forgive you, won’t we?” They agreed that they would.
After another round or two with apologies, I heard, “It’s OK now, we get it. We can work together.”
I went around the group, one at a time. “Is it over? Really over?” All but two said “Yes.” I asked, “Are you two upset with each other?” When they said “Yes,” that made it a simple 1 on 1 trespass.
Matthew 18 tells how to fix that. “Go get some coffee and work it out,” I told them. “Come back when you’ve made up. If you can’t, I’ll be happy to help. If the three of us can’t fix it, we’ll bring everybody in and fix it together. If we all together can’t fix it, one of you will have to leave. Got that?” They said they got it.
They came back in a half-hour, full of teary smiles. It really was all over. God told us about this:
Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. Proverbs 26:20
Nobody would talk about how it happened – I think they were embarrassed – but it seemed that the two holdouts had gotten upset at each other years earlier and had been knifing each other to their colleagues.
This group-oriented process of healing problems is taught in the Bible. Paul’s letters speak of the Corinthian church sinning through carnal “strife and division (1 Cor. 3:3[579]).” He urged the Corinthians to be unified, and explained that he would establish “every word” of what he had heard when he came:
This is the third time I am coming to you. In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established. II Corinthians 13:1 He planned to establish every word, not every truth.
Giving Offense Offends God
Eight verses before giving us His reconciliation process, Jesus said that giving offense is a serious sin:
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 7Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! Matthew 18:6-7
Christians should be spiritual enough not to take offense when no offence is meant, and sometimes even when it is. People can become annoyed at you even if you don’t intend offense. Your intent doesn’t matter:
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Matthew 7:15-16
Your actions can bring destructive fruit even if you didn’t want to be a ravening wolf. There are no excuses. Your intent doesn’t matter. Haven’t you ever told a child, “You didn’t break the window on purpose, but we want you to on purpose not break things.”
If someone is offended by what you did, God expects you to humble yourself and apologize even if you can’t see why they’re offended. Nobody expects you to be perfect; they expect you to be honest. I’ve never lost points by apologizing, not even to my children. It’s a good way to deal with offenses as God commands.
If you don’t understand why you offended someone, you’re likely to do it again. If someone won’t accept your apology, that’s on them, not on you.
Conflict at work costs businesses so much money that it’s been studied a lot. One way to keep discussions calm is to pause 10 seconds before answering when things are getting hot. Your goal isn’t to “win” the discussion; it’s to build the relationship, to edify. You can't do that when you're angry or if the other person is too upset to hear what you say. Pausing to think for 10 seconds helps improve your relationships.
We Cannot Live without Law
All groups need some way to settle disputes. Drug dealers and street gangs throw bullets at each other because it’s cheaper and faster than going to court. American Indian tribes passed the “whisper pipe” around the circle. Only the person holding the pipe could talk, and pass it to the next.
My colleagues weren’t saved but they saw the need for apologies and forgiveness. We’re commanded:
Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. 4And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. Luke 17:3-4
God is serious about commanding us to forgive without limit; we’re forgiven only as we forgive others:
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
The Problem of Human Carnality
In 1 Cor. 3:1-7, Paul showed the difference between spiritual Christians and carnal Christians. Being carnal is another way to describe walking in the flesh. We all have our flesh-driven moments, even Paul (Ro. 7:14):
For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. 7Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. Romans 8:6-7
Japanese are about 1.5% Christian. Few Japanese have the Holy Spirit, but healing offenses was a matter of life and death. Annoying a sword-bearing samurai could get your head chopped off. If you offended too many people, you might be forced to commit suicide. They needed ways to restore harmony.
A few days after my brother entered 1st grade, a refined, elegant gentleman knocked on the door. His card said “Head of the Block.” He told Mom that her son was not brushing his teeth after lunch because he had no toothbrush. The teacher sent a note home. Had she seen it? Mom found the note; it had a cartoon of a child brushing teeth. “I'm sorry,” she explained, “I thought I had to make sure he brushed his teeth before he went to school.” Huge smile. “We thought it was something like that,” he said, and bowed himself out.
This man was known as wise man who solved quarrels. My brother’s teacher asked the PTA to find peace with a foreigner. The PTA elevated the problem to the Head of the Block. The apostle Paul desired that there be no quarrels in Christ’s church; the Head of the Block desired that there be no quarrels in his community.
Japanese know that gossip can be deadly, but they also know that approaching someone who’d angered you could cause more offense. Talking to the Head of the Block was OK by definition. He or his wife could often explain enough to stop it there. If not, they’d work tactfully behind the scenes to bring harmony.
The Japanese agree with Pr. 20:29b, “the beauty of old men is the grey head.” Serving the community by bringing peace was honored. They didn’t have our psychology terminology, but they understood people.
Confirmation bias: People value information that supports their beliefs and tend to ignore information that conflicts with their beliefs. Atheists aren’t interested when I show them how scientific discoveries support the Bible. The more a wise man learns, the better he understands his ignorance.
Stereotypes: People tend to judge others by first impressions. It’s difficult and time-consuming to learn enough about another person to judge righteous judgment; it’s a lot easier to put them in a compartment based on a few obvious characteristics and move on.
Pride: Most people hate to admit that they’re wrong. As Elon Musk put it, “It’s a lot easier to fool people than to convince them that they’ve been fooled.” Apologizing can be very humbling.
Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way. Romans 14:13
American law states that government can’t override your “strongly-held convictions” without a very good reason. Baptists call this “individual soul liberty” in saying that each person has the right to their own convictions. It can be difficult to get along with Christians with different convictions.
Going ‘round the table hearing all the feelings, hurts, and anger cuts through bias, stereotypes, and misunderstanding. It can be humbling, but shows the power of love and relationships.
Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! James 3:5
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9
Peacemakers risk getting shot at by both sides.
How to Moderate
It’s important to agree on the rules when settling a longstanding problem. This is a good start:
I don’t care about facts. Anger has been building for years. We won’t bring up what happened; we’ll deal with feelings. We’ll say how we feel, one at a time. There are 4 rules.
1) Everybody has to be in this together, is there anyone else who should be here? If not, go get them.
2) Only one thought, hurt, feeling, or idea per turn.
3) Don’t blame anyone. For it to get this bad, everybody was involved. Don’t give names. If you say, ‘I was upset when he said…,’ that’s against the rules. Say, ‘I was upset when I heard...’ or when this happened.
4) Only the person who has the floor may speak. Never interrupt; wait for your turn.
Everybody got that? Let’s begin.
[1] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[2] Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. II Corinthians 5:20
[3]Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 2:6-8
[4] And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel. Genesis 3:15
[5] My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? Psalm 22:1
[6] And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Matthew 27:46
[7] And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Mark 15:34
[8] And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin. Genesis 35:18
[9] And about the time of her death the women that stood by her said unto her, Fear not; for thou hast born a son. But she answered not, neither did she regard it. I Samuel 4:20
[10] And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die. Genesis 30:1
[11] Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on me, to take away my reproach among men. Luke 1:25
[12] Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. Revelation 4:11
[13] This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; 2Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. Genesis 5:1-2
[14] There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. Romans 3:11
[15] Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace. Galatians 5:4
[16] And now, saith the LORD that formed me from the womb to be his servant, to bring Jacob again to him, Though Israel be not gathered, yet shall I be glorious in the eyes of the LORD, and my God shall be my strength. Isaiah 49:5
[17] Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again. John 3:7
[18] And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent: Acts 17:30
[19] Testifying both to the Jews, and also to the Greeks, repentance toward God, and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ. Acts 20:21
[20] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[21] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not! Luke 13:34
[22] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. Matthew 11:23
[23] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven, shalt be thrust down to hell. Luke 10:15
[24] He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 4Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. Isaiah 53:3-4
[25] So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs. John 21:15
[26] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[27] I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. I Corinthians 3:6
[28] Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1:6
[29] Unwin, J. D. (1927). "Monogamy as a Condition of Social Energy,” The Hibbert Journal, Vol. XXV, p. 662
1 Sexual Relations and Cultural Behavior, by J. D. Unwin (Frank M. Darrow 1969)
[31] The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5
[32] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[33] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[34] And Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah to wife Genesis 25:20a
[35] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[36] If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35b
[37] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:42-44
[38] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[39] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[40] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[41] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[42] She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. John 8:11
[43] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[44] And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
[45] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, Titus 2:4
[46] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
[47] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[48] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
[49] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
[50] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[51] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Proverbs 31:11
[52] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[53] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:6
[54] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[55] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[56] And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
[57] For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. I Samuel 25:34
[58] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18, 20
[59] Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. I Thessalonians 5:11
[60] And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
[61] Not because I desire a gift: but I desire fruit that may abound to your account. Philippians 4:17
[62] All these men of war, that could keep rank, came with a perfect heart to Hebron, to make David king over all Israel: and all the rest also of Israel were of one heart to make David king. I Chronicles 12:38
[63] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling savour. Ephesians 5:1-2
[64] Now when they had passed through Amphipolis and Apollonia, they came to Thessalonica, where was a synagogue of the Jews: 2And Paul, as his manner was, went in unto them, and three sabbath days reasoned with them out of the scriptures, 3Opening and alleging, that Christ must needs have suffered, and risen again from the dead; and that this Jesus, whom I preach unto you, is Christ. 4And some of them believed, and consorted with Paul and Silas; and of the devout Greeks a great multitude, and of the chief women not a few. 5But the Jews which believed not, moved with envy, took unto them certain lewd fellows of the baser sort, and gathered a company, and set all the city on an uproar, and assaulted the house of Jason, and sought to bring them out to the people. 6And when they found them not, they drew Jason and certain brethren unto the rulers of the city, crying, These that have turned the world upside down are come hither also; Acts 17:1-6
[65] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[66] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Mark 7:6
[67] Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men: Isaiah 29:13
[68] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/dont-step-in-holes.html#samsonTemptation
[69] Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. II Timothy 3:7
[70] For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 23:7a
[71] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[72] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[73] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[74] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[75] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. 16And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. 18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help[75] meet for him. Genesis 2:15-18
[76] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. Genesis 3:3
[77] And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. I Timothy 2:14
[78] For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Romans 5:19
[79] And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, 11And be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. 15And he said unto the people, Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives. Exodus 19:10-11, 15
[80] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. 13And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12-13
[81] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/wedding-wisdom-simplicity-of-marriage.html#fallFault
[82] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[83] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:15
[84] But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. Genesis 2:6
[85] And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:25
[86] And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: Genesis 3:2
[87] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[88] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[89] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[90] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
[91] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23
[92] And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. Genesis 3:20
[93] And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. Genesis 3:6
[94] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[95] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[96] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[97] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
[98]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[99] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[100] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[101] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[102] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:9
[103] In Gen. 3:14, God cursed Satan “above all cattle, and above every beast of the field.” In 3:17 God said, “cursed is the ground for thy sake” before telling Adam that he would eat by the sweat of his face. Although Satan, cattle, beasts, and the ground were cursed, Adam and Eve were not cursed. By placing Adam’s struggle to find or grow food at the mercy of weather and much else which man can’t control, God reminds us that all lives depend on God – “Moreover the profit of the earth is for all: the king himself is served by the field. (Ecc. 5:9).” Before men had machines to pump water out of the ground, farmers needed rain to fill reservoirs or water their crops. Farmers know they depend on God.
[104] The grave; and the barren womb; the earth that is not filled with water; and the fire that saith not, It is enough. Proverbs 30:16
[105]And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[106] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
[107] Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men: Isaiah 29:13
[108] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Mark 7:6
[109] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[110] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
[111] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. Matthew 11:23
[112] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[113] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven, shalt be thrust down to hell. Luke 10:15
[114] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not! Luke 13:34
[115] And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly. Matthew 26:75
[116] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[117] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[118] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[119] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[120] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[121] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[122] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[123] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[124] Simon Peter saith unto them, I go a fishing. They say unto him, We also go with thee. John 21:3a
[125] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[126] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ruthsRules
[127] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/wedding-wisdom-simplicity-of-marriage.html#marriageArch
[128] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[129] And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace. Luke 7:50
[130] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[131] For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Romans 3:23
[132] Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: Romans 5:12
[133] For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23
[134] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[135] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[136] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[137] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[138] Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day. I Kings 8:61
[139] But the high places were not removed: nevertheless Asa's heart was perfect with the LORD all his days. I Kings 15:14
[140] I beseech thee, O LORD, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore. II Kings 20:3
[141] Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing. Psalm 100:2
[142] Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle, separated unto the gospel of God, Romans 1:1
[143] Paul, a servant of God, and an apostle of Jesus Christ, according to the faith of God's elect, and the acknowledging of the truth which is after godliness; Titus 1:1
[144] My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. John 10:29
[145] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[146] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:14-15
[147] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
[148] Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Romans 12:10
[149] For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Ephesians 4:12
[150] Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21
[151] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[152] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[153] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[154] Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
[155] He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10-12
[156] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[157] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[158] How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:14
[159] Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, 20By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; 21And having an high priest over the house of God; 22Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Hebrews 10:19-22
[160] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[161] Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13
[162] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
[163] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[164] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[165] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[166] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[167] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
[168] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
[169] I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid? Job 31:1
[170] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
[171] Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
[172] Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11
[173] But godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6
[174] Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5
[175] But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. Deuteronomy 4:29
[176] work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. Philippians 2:12b
[177] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[178] Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16
[179] What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? Psalm 8:4
[180] But one in a certain place testified, saying, What is man, that thou art mindful of him? or the son of man that thou visitest him? Hebrews 2:6
[181] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
[182] And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. Joshua 24:15
[183] And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the LORD be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him. And the people answered him not a word. I Kings 18:21
[184] And I sought for a man among them, that should make up the hedge, and stand in the gap before me for the land, that I should not destroy it: but I found none. Ezekiel 22:30
[185] And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin. Genesis 35:18
[186] And about the time of her death the women that stood by her said unto her, Fear not; for thou hast born a son. But she answered not, neither did she regard it. I Samuel 4:20
[187] And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die. Genesis 30:1
[188] Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on me, to take away my reproach among men. Luke 1:25
[189] Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. Revelation 4:11
[190] He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Isaiah 53:3
[191] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[192] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not! Luke 13:34
[193] I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10b
[194] And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. Matthew 25:46
[195] And he that reapeth receiveth wages, and gathereth fruit unto life eternal: that both he that soweth and he that reapeth may rejoice together. John 4:36
[196] He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. John 12:25
[197] And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent. John 17:3
[198] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[199] Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. John 15:3
[200] Neither by the blood of goats and calves, but by his own blood he entered in once into the holy place, having obtained eternal redemption for us. 22And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission. Hebrews 9:12, 22
[201] But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away. Isaiah 64:6
[202] As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: Romans 3:10
[203] For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9Not of works, lest any man should boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
[204] Say unto them, As I live, saith the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that the wicked turn from his way and live: turn ye, turn ye from your evil ways; for why will ye die, O house of Israel? Ezekiel 33:11
[205] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
[206] There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. Romans 3:11
[207] Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace. Galatians 5:4
[208] And now, saith the LORD that formed me from the womb to be his servant, Isaiah 49:5a
[209] For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed. Malachi 3:6
[210] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[211] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
[212] For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
[213] O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
[214] And the LORD thy God will make thee plenteous in every work of thine hand, in the fruit of thy body, and in the fruit of thy cattle, and in the fruit of thy land, for good: for the LORD will again rejoice over thee for good, as he rejoiced over thy fathers: 10If thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which are written in this book of the law, and if thou turn unto the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul. Deuteronomy 30:9-10
[215] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#thinkDifferent
[216] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[217] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[218] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[219] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:9
[220] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[221] Pray without ceasing. 18In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus I Thessalonians 5:17-18a
[222] Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain. Psalm 127:1
[223] If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
[224] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[225] Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Psalm 128:3
[226] Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18
[227] Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Proverbs 23:13
[228] Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; 2But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father. Galatians 4:1-2
[229] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[230] If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? Hebrews 12:7
[231] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[232] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[233] And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
[234] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
[235] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. I Corinthians 7:3
[236] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[237] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[238] Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; 2But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father. Galatians 4:1-2
[239] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[240] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[241] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[242] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[243] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[244] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song 6:9a
[245] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[246] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[247] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[248] One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. Romans 14:5
[249] And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin. Romans 14:23
[250] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
[251] And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more Philippians 1:9
[252] But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:3, 9
[253] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[254] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[255] So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. Genesis 1:27
[256] And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Matthew 19:4-5
[257] But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. Mark 10:6
[258] The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, Deuteronomy 28:56a
[259] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[260] Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. II Timothy 2:15
[261] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[262] A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter. Proverbs 11:13
[263] He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips. Proverbs 20:19
[264] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[265] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[266] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[267] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[268] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[269] Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
[270] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[271] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[272] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[273] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 35, citing W. B. Wilcox, J. R. Anderson, W. Doherty et al., “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences” (New York, Institute for American values National Marriage Project, 2011).
[274] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[275] Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: John 20:21-22
[276] This means behavior, not talk.
[277] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ConflictInMarriage
[278] But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: I Peter 3:15
[279] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[280] I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. 7So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase. 8Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour. 9For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:6-9
[281] Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our LORD: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10
[282] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[283] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
[284] Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. Titus 2:6
[285] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24
[286] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[287] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[288] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[289] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[290] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[291] So it came to pass, when the king's commandment and his decree was heard, and when many maidens were gathered together unto Shushan the palace, to the custody of Hegai, that Esther was brought also unto the king's house, to the custody of Hegai, keeper of the women. Esther 2:8
[292] And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house. II Samuel 11:4
[293] https://www.narratively.com/p/when-metoo-came-to-ancient-rome
[294] Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
[295] And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart Judges 16:18a
[296] For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself. Genesis 24:65
[297] And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. Genesis 26:7
[298] And the servant brought forth jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment, and gave them to Rebekah: he gave also to her brother and to her mother precious things. Genesis 24:53
[299] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[300] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[301] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[302] And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. 12The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:11-12
[303] So she kept fast by the maidens of Boaz to glean unto the end of barley harvest and of wheat harvest; and dwelt with her mother in law. Ruth 2:23
[304] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[305] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. Genesis 2:15
[306] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[307] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[308] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[309] Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, 17th series, pages not numbered. Ripley also reported a Scottish town where a would-be groom had to prove his desire by risking his life balancing on one foot on the edge of a windswept cliff for 30 seconds as her father looked on.
[310] https://www.history.com/news/chivalry-knights-middle-ages
[311] Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: 28Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
[312] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[313] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#thinkDifferent
[314] In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1
[315] I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name. Psalm 138:2
[316] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[317] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[318] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[319] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 36
[320] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[321] As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
[322] For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
[323] For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
[324] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[325] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[326] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[327] This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
[328] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Mark 7:6
[329] A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
[330] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[331] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[332] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[333] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[334] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[335] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[336] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[337] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[338] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[339] That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; I Thessalonians 4:4
[340] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[341] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[342] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[343] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[344] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; Genesis 5:3a
[345] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[346] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2013/10/why-johnny-lingo-paid-eight-cows-for.html
[347] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[348] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[349] But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
[350] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ConflictInMarriage
[351] That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. Romans 10:9
[352] Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
[353] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[354] So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: Ruth 4:13a
[355] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[356] If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. James 1:26
[357] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. I Corinthians 7:3-4
[358] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[359] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[360] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[361] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[362] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[363] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[364] The region of the air; the sky or heavens; the great arch or expanse over our heads, in which are placed the atmosphere and the clouds
[365] But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: I Peter 3:15
[366] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[367] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
[368] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[369] For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. John 3:16-17
[370] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[371]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[372] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[373] Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. II Corinthians 5:20
[374] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[375] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[376] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
[377] Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. Philippians 4:4
[378] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[379] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/dont-step-in-holes.html#greekHard
[380] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[381] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[382] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 5:1-2
[383] Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:16
[384] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[385] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[386] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[387] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[388] And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. John 10:28
[389] Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. Romans 7:1-3
[390] Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. II Timothy 3:7
[391] For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 23:7a
[392] This is the purpose that is purposed upon the whole earth: and this is the hand that is stretched out upon all the nations. 27For the LORD of hosts hath purposed, and who shall disannul it? and his hand is stretched out, and who shall turn it back? Isaiah 14:26-27
[393] The LORD of hosts hath purposed it, to stain the pride of all glory, and to bring into contempt all the honourable of the earth. Isaiah 23:9
[394] Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure: 11Calling a ravenous bird from the east, the man that executeth my counsel from a far country: yea, I have spoken it, I will also bring it to pass; I have purposed it, I will also do it. Isaiah 46:10-11
[395] For this shall the earth mourn, and the heavens above be black; because I have spoken it, I have purposed it, and will not repent, neither will I turn back from it. Jeremiah 4:28
[396] And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
[397] The business of a farmer, comprehending agriculture or tillage of the ground, the raising, managing and fattening of cattle and other domestic animals, the management of the dairy and whatever the land produces.
[398] https://www.khanacademy.org/test-prep/lsat/lsat-lessons/logical-reasoning/a/logical-reasoning--article--getting-started
[399] https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/10EfwNuJ5CQ1ostJk7TVqQoy1HIqZBb5Y?usp=sharing
[400] Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. Matthew 18:15
[401] Chiang, M. Tides from the West, New Haven, 1947 p 4
[402] Behold, his soul which is lifted up is not upright in him: but the just shall live by his faith. Habbakuk 2:4
[403] For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith. Romans 1:17
[404] But that no man is justified by the law in the sight of God, it is evident: for, The just shall live by faith. Galatians 3:11
[405] Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) 24And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:23-24
[406] Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him. Hebrews 10:38
[407] But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. Hebrews 11:6
[408] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[409] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[410] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[411] Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1
[412] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[413] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[414] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#lightlyLien
[415] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[416] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#sureHeOpensHisHeart
[417] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#sureHeGivesHerRest
[418] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[419] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
[420] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:15
[421] And David said on that day, Whosoever getteth up to the gutter, and smiteth the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul, he shall be chief and captain. Wherefore they said, The blind and the lame shall not come into the house. II Samuel 5:8
[422] And unto David were sons born in Hebron: and his firstborn was Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess; II Samuel 3:2
[423] And these be the names of those that were born unto him in Jerusalem; Shammuah, and Shobab, and Nathan, and Solomon, II Samuel 5:14
[424] For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope. Romans 15:4
[425] If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; 29Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days. Deuteronomy 22:28-29
[426] And they said, Should he deal with our sister as with an harlot? Genesis 34:31
[427] And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed. Genesis 14:12
[428] And they said, Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it. Numbers 12:2
[429] And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous. Numbers 12:10
[430] Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay. Ecclesiastes 5:5
[431] And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem. Genesis 35:19
[432] There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; there they buried Isaac and Rebekah his wife; and there I buried Leah. Genesis 49:31
[433] And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on, 21So that I come again to my father's house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God: 22And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God's house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee. Genesis 28:20-22
[434] And said unto him, Behold, thou art old, and thy sons walk not in thy ways: now make us a king to judge us like all the nations. I Samuel 8:5
[435] And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. I Samuel 18:25
[436] And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king's son in law: and the days were not expired. I Samuel 18:26
[437] And Michal Saul's daughter loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him. I Samuel 18:20
[438] But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim. I Samuel 25:44
[439] And her husband went with her along weeping behind her to Bahurim. Then said Abner unto him, Go, return. And he returned. II Samuel 3:16
[440] And he said, Well; I will make a league with thee: but one thing I require of thee, that is, Thou shalt not see my face, except thou first bring Michal Saul's daughter, when thou comest to see my face. II Samuel 3:13
[441]But the king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul, whom she brought up for Adriel the son of Barzillai the Meholathite: II Samuel 21:8
[442] And it came to pass, as the ark of the covenant of the LORD came to the city of David, that Michal, the daughter of Saul looking out at a window saw king David dancing and playing: and she despised him in her heart. I Chronicles 15:29
[443] Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death. II Samuel 6:23
[444] And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not. I Kings 1:4
[445] And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cooks, and to be bakers. I Samuel 8:13
[446] If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her. Deuteronomy 25:5
[447] Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb. I Samuel 25:3
[448] And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
[449] And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. 13And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Judges 1:12-13
[450] And Pharaoh called Joseph's name Zaphnathpaaneah; and he gave him to wife Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On. And Joseph went out over all the land of Egypt. Genesis 41:45
[451] And the men of Israel said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel. I Samuel 17:25
[452] And Hadad found great favour in the sight of Pharaoh, so that he gave him to wife the sister of his own wife, the sister of Tahpenes the queen. I Kings 11:19
[453] And Solomon brought up the daughter of Pharaoh out of the city of David unto the house that he had built for her: for he said, My wife shall not dwell in the house of David king of Israel, because the places are holy, whereunto the ark of the LORD hath come. II Chronicles 8:11
[454] And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, even Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother. Judges 3:9
[455] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[456] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23
[457] For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I Corinthians 7:7
[458] Who answered, Give me a blessing; for thou hast given me a south land; give me also springs of water. And he gave her the upper springs, and the nether springs. Joshua 15:19
[459] And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: Luke 20:34
[460] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[461] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[462] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[463] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[464] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[465] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[466] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[467] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[468] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[469] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[470] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: Psalm 68:6a
[471] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[472] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[473] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[474] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[475] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
[476] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
[477] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[478] Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
[479] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[480] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[481] And they came in, and possessed it; but they obeyed not thy voice, neither walked in thy law; they have done nothing of all that thou commandedst them to do: therefore thou hast caused all this evil to come upon them: Jeremiah 32:23
[482] To fulfil the word of the LORD by the mouth of Jeremiah, until the land had enjoyed her sabbaths: for as long as she lay desolate she kept sabbath, to fulfil threescore and ten years. II Chronicles 36:21
[483] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[484] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[485] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[486] Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings. Proverbs 31:3
[487] It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink: 5Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted. Proverbs 31:4-5
[488] Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. 7Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. Proverbs 31:6-7
[489] Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction. 9Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9
[490]A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4
[491] There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
[492] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[493] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[494] And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; II Timothy 2:24-25
[495] (Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.) Numbers 12:3
[496] Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Proverbs 22:24
[497] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[498] An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression. Proverbs 29:22
[499] Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Philippians 2:3
[500] Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30
[501] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[502] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[503] There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
[504] A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1
[505] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[506] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4 especially his wife’s!
[507] And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:40
[508] Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. Matthew 25:45
[509] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[510] Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer. 11Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come. I Corinthians 10:10-11
[511] She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. Proverbs 31:18
[512] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[513] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[514] Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Proverbs 6:27
[515] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[516] And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
[517] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[518] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 19
[519] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 128 citing D. H. Hoskins, “Consequences of Parenting on Adolescent Outcomes,” Societies 4 No. 3 (2014) : 506-31
[520] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 121
[521] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 120
[522] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[523] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37 quoting I. Schneiderman, O. Zagoory-Sharon, J. F. Leckman, and R. Feldman, “Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity,” Psychoneuroendocrinology 37 no 8 (Aug 2012): 1277-85
[524] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[525] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[526] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[527] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[528] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ConflictInMarriage
[529] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 35, citing W. B. Wilcox, J. R. Anderson, W. Doherty et al., “Why Marriage Matters, Third Edition: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences” (New York, Institute for American values National Marriage Project, 2011).
[530] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 132
[531] Fisher, Anatomy of Love, p 21-23
[532] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[533] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[534] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[535] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 92
[536] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 67
[537] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 36
[538] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[539] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 108
[540] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 113
[541] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[542] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 33
[543] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Young, Gobrogge, Liu, and Wang, The Neurobiology of Pair Bonding, pp 53-69
[544] Fisher, Anatomy of Love, p 21-23
[545] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 60
[546] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[547] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 58
[548] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 139
[549] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 65 quoting L. M. Diamond and J. A. Nickerson, “The Neuroimaging of Love and Desire: Review and Future Directions,” Clinical Neuropsychiatry 9, no. 1 (2012): pp 36-46
[550] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 62 quoting Regnerus and Uecker, premarital Sex in America, p 106
[551] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[552] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 41
[553] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 40 quoting Fisher, Anatomy of Love, PP 151-152
[554] So it came to pass, when the king’s commandment and his decree was heard, and when many maidens were gathered together unto Shushan the palace, to the custody of Hegai, that Esther was brought also unto the king’s house, to the custody of Hegai, keeper of the women. Esther 2:8
[555] And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house. II Samuel 11:4
[556] https://www.narratively.com/p/when-metoo-came-to-ancient-rome
[557] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 65 quoting L. M. Diamond and J. A. Nickerson, “The Neuroimaging of Love and Desire: Review and Future Directions,” Clinical Neuropsychiatry 9, no. 1 (2012): pp 36-46
[558] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 62 quoting Regnerus and Uecker, premarital Sex in America, p 106
[559] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[560] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. Genesis 2:15
[561] And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. Genesis 3:20
[562] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 62 quoting Regnerus and Uecker, premarital Sex in America, p 106
[563] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 36
[564] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 pp 34-35
[565] Joe S. McIlhaney Jr, MD and Freda McKissic Bush, MD, Hooked The Brain Science on how Casual Sex Affects Human Development, Northfield Publishing (Chicago) 2019 p 37
[566] Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings. Proverbs 31:3
[567] It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink: 5Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted. Proverbs 31:4-5
[568] Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. 7Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. Proverbs 31:6-7
[569] Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction. 9Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9
[570] Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Matthew 18:15-17
[571] And Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and withal how he had slain all the prophets with the sword. 2Then Jezebel sent a messenger unto Elijah, saying, So let the gods do to me, and more also, if I make not thy life as the life of one of them by to morrow about this time. 3And when he saw that, he arose, and went for his life, and came to Beersheba, which belongeth to Judah, and left his servant there. 4But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. I Kings 19:1-4
[572] And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. 6And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again. 7And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee. I Kings 19:5-7
[573] And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church. I Corinthians 14:35
[574] Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king. I Peter 2:17
[575] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[576] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[577] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
[578] And some cried one thing, some another, among the multitude: and when he could not know the certainty for the tumult, he commanded him to be carried into the castle. Acts 21:34
[579] For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and walk as men? I Corinthians 3:3
posted by Bill Taylor at 7:58 AM
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