Hear the Voice of the Bridegroom Concerning Holy Matrimony
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Pastors Teaching God-Ordained Holy Matrimony
Christians must be taught to have God-honoring marriages that give both parties a taste of the joys of Heaven as God intended. Marriage is simple – the Bible explains marriage in one verse on page 5. You can explain both marriage and salvation in one minute, see page 30. A joyful marriage operates in two words, page 13.
The Bible tells us what to believe and what to do. God created marriage to bring men and women joy in this life (Gal. 5:22-23, Eph. 5:9), to show lost people the blessings of ordering our lives as He commands (Du. 4:6-8, Du. 30:9-10, 16), and so His servants could raise children to serve Him (Mal. 2:15).
Romans 7:4 uses “married” to describe the permanent tie between a born-again Christian and Christ. We show Christ to unbelievers (2 Cor. 5:20). Holy Matrimony is powerful testimony. Christian husbands nourishing and cherishing their wives shows the lost how Christ blesses His people. Christian wives following their husbands shows how Christians follow Christ. Divorce damages our picture of Christ’s care. When lost people see that we handle this life no better than they, why should they care what we say about salvation?
Hear the Voice of the Bridegroom
John the Baptist’s message was like a pastor’s message. When John heard that Jesus’ disciples were baptizing and that “all men come to him (Jn. 3:26),” he could have been jealous, but he explained his God-given role:
Ye yourselves bear me witness, that I said, I am not the Christ, but that I am sent before him. 29He that hath the bride is the bridegroom: but the friend of the bridegroom, which standeth and heareth him, rejoiceth greatly because of the bridegroom's voice: this my joy therefore is fulfilled. 30He must increase, but I must decrease. John 3:28-30
God sent John before Christ. The church is the bride and Jesus is the bridegroom in the “marriage supper of the Lamb (2 Cor. 11:2, Rev. 19:9).” John couldn’t preach our Gospel of Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection because it hadn’t happened yet; his Gospel of Repentance proclaimed the Messiah. If Jews had accepted Christ as Messiah, they’d have been married to Him as Christians are today (Rom. 7:4). As the friend of the Bridegroom, John heard “the bridegroom's voice (Jn. 3:29)” which filled him with joy.
As Abraham and Moses were friends of God (Ex. 33:11, 2 Chr. 20:7, Is. 41:8), pastors are called by God to be friends of the Bridegroom. As Christ’s friend, you rejoice as Christ speaks to you and to your people through your messages, Bible reading, and prayer. Christ must increase in us as we crucify the flesh in our lives (Eph. 4:22, Col. 3:9). Growth in Christ from hearing the Bridegroom continues the “good work” that begins when we accept the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior and continues “until the day of Jesus Christ (Phil. 1:6).”
This is how we “Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you (Jam. 4:8).” We make the first move in asking Him to increase so that we can decrease. Increasing Him helps us enjoy the Fruit of the Spirit:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. 24And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. Galatians 5:22-24
Christ increases in us as we crucify the flesh. All our relationships: marriage, church, and work, improve as we grow in love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Trusting God’s leadership instead of our own helps Him increase as we decrease. A pastor hears the Bridegroom teach him and passes it on! New believers hear the pastor at first, but he decreases and Christ increases as he points them to Christ. As parents bring up children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4), they decrease and something increases in the children’s lives. Their goal is that it be Christ.
That’s our duty to anyone we tell about Christ – we decrease in their lives as He increases.
The material in this book is from https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com. You’re free to use it in any way that serves His cause. 5/4/2024
Table of Contents
Pastors Teaching God-Ordained Holy Matrimony. ii
Hear the Voice of the Bridegroom.. ii
Chapter 1 - Welcome, my brothers and sisters in Christ 1
Let’s Review God’s Simple Plan of Salvation. 1
Love Drives the Christian Walk. 3
Holy Matrimony Until Death is Vital to Society. 4
Marriage is so Simple that the Bible Explains Marriage in One Verse. 5
Husband and Wife need Perfect Hearts. 15
Let’s Sum it up in a Few Words. 16
Chapter 2 - God Explained What Happened to Women After the Fall 17
The Foundation of Your Life: Is God Really Good? Christians say God is Good; Do They Believe It?. 17
Adam Failed to Protect Eve and Failed to Lead her Properly. 18
Everybody Sees how God Punished Adam.. 19
Think About Eve’s Life in the Garden. 19
What does God Expect of Women?. 22
What do Women Desire from Husbands?. 22
Men Don’t Know Why Wives Can’t Give Comfort 26
Chapter 3 - Thou Shalt Love the Lord Thy God. 29
Explaining Marriage in One Minute. 30
God Demonstrates His Love Through Women. 33
God tells us how to Build Joyful Marriages. 36
Why God Made Men and Women Think So Differently. 36
Chapter 4 - What Women Need from Husbands. 41
A Wife’s Need for Open Hearted Talk. 41
Subject Yourselves One to Another 1 Peter 5:5. 42
A Wife is a Mirror, She’s not a Light 42
When I Asked for a Date, She Said, I’m Looking for a Husband, I Want to get Married. 43
On Our 2nd Date, She Said She Wanted to be a Virgin on Her Wedding Night 43
She Asked, Don’t Fuss at Me. 44
She Belonged to God so She Could let God Give Her to Me. 44
She Chose to Serve God by Serving Me. 45
Talking the Way a Wife Needs is Difficult for a Man. 45
A wife is What Her Husband Makes Her. 46
Chapter 5 - Sound Bite Marriage. 47
Comparing Marriage and Salvation. 48
Chapter 6 - Logic and Emotion, Head Knowledge and Heart Knowledge. 53
Obeying God Requires Logic. 53
Logic is How We Use Facts to reach Conclusions. 54
We Live on Facts and Emotions. 54
Logic – Finding Facts and Drawing Conclusions. 58
Chapter 7 - What Fathers Should Teach Their Daughters. 61
The Man Must Grow Up Before Marrying. 62
Fathers Who Failed Their Daughters. 63
Chapter 8 - Is What I Want To Do The Will Of God?. 67
Chapter 9 - Developing Church Leaders. 71
Servant Leadership is Godly Leadership. 71
Rescue the Perishing – Lift Up the Fallen. 72
Be Careful What You Ask For. 74
Chapter 10 - The Calvinism Heresy. 75
The Error of Double Predestination. 75
Everyone Goes to Heaven if God Does it All 76
Did God Harden Pharaoh’s Heart?. 79
The Jews Rejected God’s Offer of a Personal Relationship with Him.. 79
Double Pre Deemphasizes Spreading the Gospel 81
Might as well be an Atheist 82
Without Faith it is Impossible to please God. 82
Chapter 11 - Marriage Going Out Of Style. 83
Great Society Welfare Substitutes Money for Fathers. 85
Feminism – Womens’ Liberation. 86
Chapter 12 - The Lesson of Leah – Having a Man’s Baby Won’t Make Him Marry You. 87
Holy Matrimony is a Sacred Covenant Sealed with Blood. 91
Chapter 13 - Marriage Handout 93
Dwelling According to Knowledge. 93
Husband Leads in Appreciation. 94
Wife Respects Her Husband and Guides His House. 94
Chapter 14 - Handling Disputes and Anger at Home, at Church, at Work, and in the World. 95
What if you Don’t Heal Hurts as they Happen?. 95
Settling a Group Offense God’s Way. 95
Giving Offense Offends God. 96
We Cannot Live without Law.. 97
The Problem of Human Carnality. 97
Chapter 1 - Welcome, my brothers and sisters in Christ
God gave us both salvation and marriage. If we try to get to Heaven in our own way, we go to Hell when we die. If we try to do marriage our own way, we can make life Hell on earth.
Romans 7:4[1] uses the word “married” to describe the tie between a born-again Christian and Christ. We show Christ to unbelievers (2 Cor. 5:20[2]). Christian husbands bless their wives as Christ blesses His people. If lost people see that Christian marriages are no better than theirs, if we can’t handle this life any better than they, we damage the picture of Christ’s care for us. Why listen to what we say about the life to come?
When Christians pour the grace of salvation into marriages, lost people see us passing God’s love, forgiveness, and grace back and forth. They’ll see that we’re much better off in this life than they are. God has given us the privilege and honor of telling everyone how to get God’s grace for themselves.
There is no joy for a man this side of Heaven like having a woman like belonging to him. As her God-ordained leader, he must convince her that he loves her and that he’s glad to belong to her and glad to care for her. This shows her Christ’s love for her and for him. Seeing Christ’s love in action draws the lost.
If a Christian wife doesn’t like belonging to her husband, why should the lost want to belong to Christ?
Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1
Women build the house of God. When a couple visits, if church women are nervous or not appreciated, the wife won’t want to return. If they’re loved and led gently, she’ll want her husband to learn how.
Let’s Review God’s Simple Plan of Salvation
God knew that we’d have trouble with His plan of salvation, so He made one plan work for both. We couldn’t handle two ways to relate, one for relating to God and another for our spouses, so He gave one way to relate.
Salvation and marriage use the same plan. We relate to God and to other Christians in the same way.
We serve the Lord God who sent His only Son Jesus to be born of the Virgin Mary. Jesus was equal to God the Father, but became a servant and was born as a man (Phil. 2:6-8[3]). In dying on the cross as a man, Jesus obeyed God His Father unto death. In dying as God, He took on Himself the richly-deserved punishment for all of my sins, your sins, and all the sins of everyone past, present, and future.
The blood He shed on the cross washes away our sins if we humble ourselves, admit that we can’t repent of our sins without His help, and call on Him to save us. My mother taught me the reality of my sins by punishing me for disobeying. She taught that Jesus died to take the punishment for my sins. She taught that His blood would wash me clean of my sins if I believed that Jesus rose from the dead to show His power over death. This meant that I would know that He would take me to Heaven to be with Him when I die.
She taught me of Adam’s sin and God’s promise that one of Eve’s children would conquer Satan (Gen. 3:15[4]). I didn’t realize that Jesus loved me far more than “just” being willing to take on the evil of all my sins and lose His fellowship with His Father (Ps. 22:1[5], Mt. 27:46[6], Mk. 15:34[7]). I thought that when Adam soiled himself by his sin and our perfect God could no longer have fellowship with polluted Adam, Jesus agreed that He would become sin for us so that we could be washed clean and spend eternity with God in Heaven.
Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough and wanted us enough to create us anyway!
To help us understand Jesus’ sacrificial love, God created mothers who willingly risk death to give babies life. Before modern medicine, a woman had roughly 98.5% chance of surviving a pregnancy. Without birth control, married women had so many pregnancies that 1 woman in 8 died in childbirth. 1 in 8!
Every girl knew someone who had died in childbirth (Gen. 35:18[8], 1 Sam. 4:20[9]). Every girl knew that she would walk the valley of the shadow of death for each child, yet women wanted to marry and bear children (Gen.30:1[10], Lk. 1:25[11]) anyway. Women want children badly enough to risk death; Jesus wanted the pleasure and glory of creating us so badly (Rev. 4:11[12]) that He chose certain death before creating everything!
I was born before antibiotics could fight infections. My mother risked her life to give me life and did it again and again for my two brothers. Being glad to give her life is a woman’s part of Gen. 5:1-2[13] “he [that is, God] called their name Adam” to include Eve in creating us in the likeness of God.
If someone gave you a birthday gift, would you hand over money to pay for it? That would refuse the gift. Trying to get to Heaven by being good, being religious, going to church, tithing, doing good deeds, is not only impossible (Ro. 3:11[14]), trying to earn your way into Heaven blocks you from accepting Jesus’ free offer of salvation (Gal. 5:4[15]). You’re trying to pay for a free gift whose price is far more than you can ever pay.
What did you do to earn your mother’s risking her life to give you life and then pouring her life into keeping you alive and teaching you how to behave as an adult? Nothing. She risked her life before she knew anything about you. She risked her life freely based on the emotional drives God put into her and looked forward eagerly to your birth as she felt God forming you within her womb (Is. 49:5[16]). Have you thanked her?
Jesus told Nicodemus, “Ye must be born again (John 3:7[17]).” You must die to your former life of sin in order to be born again into the family of Christ (Acts 17:30[18], 20:21[19]).
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
Note the phrase “married to another.” Jesus required you to die to your former life and be born again into marriage with Him so you can bring forth fruit to God. Revelation 19:9 speaks of “the marriage supper of the Lamb” where His bride, the church, is united in marriage with Jesus in Heaven forever.
“Marriage” describes the tie between us and God. We become one with God by calling on His name to be saved; husband and wife become “one flesh” in Holy Matrimony. The command “love the Lord thy God” appears 14 times! Salvation makes Him “our God” and we’re must love Him as discussed on page 29. Why?
Love Drives the Christian Walk
The 2nd time Jesus met with His disciples after His resurrection, He told them to start the church:
Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. 22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: John 20:21-22
Peter went fishing instead of obeying Jesus’ command to start the church. Jesus went after Peter again. Having created Peter, Jesus knew that men fear to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt. Jesus wept (Jn. 11:35) at Lazarus' tomb. Peter saw Him mourn for Jerusalem (Mt. 23:37[20], Lk. 13:34[21]) and Capernaum (Mt. 11:23[22], Lk. 10:15[23]). Peter knew that if he obeyed Jesus as Jesus had obeyed God, he would be hurt when people he loved refused the gospel. He did not want Jesus’ sorrow or grief (Is. 53:3-4[24]).
Peter was right. I mourned when my friend who was best man at my wedding would not ask Jesus to save him. I urged him after a bad heart attack. He said, “I get it. God lets me choose to go to Hell if I want to.” His 2nd attack killed him a week later, 35 years to the day after my wedding. I sorrow that he’s in Hell.
Jesus pushed Peter to admit that Peter loved Him. That didn't make Peter love Jesus – he already did – but Peter wouldn’t admit his love for Jesus until Jesus pushed Peter to love Him. Once he admitted to himself that he loved Jesus above everything else (Jn 21:15)[25], Peter had to spread the word – our love of Christ makes us serve Him (2 Cor. 5:14[26])! That’s why Jesus wants us to know and accept His love for us and ours for Him – we can’t do His work without His love and we won’t want to do His work unless we love Him. Peter’s love was weak in John 21, but even weak love made him willing to serve by spreading the Gospel.
For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not. II Corinthians 8:12
Peter was willing to plant and water in his Pentecost sermon (1 Cor. 3:6[27]). God accepted what little Peter had and God gave increase to the church of about 3,000. Similarly, a man must admit that he loves his wife and convince her that he loves her. Without that, telling the lost God loves them won't work because they’ll see that his wife doesn’t think he loves her. If he does love her, he’ll be driven to serve her and care for her.
How can anyone believe what we tell them about God’s Love for them if they see that we don’t love each other or that we don’t love them? When lost people see husband and wife forgiving one another and passing God's love and grace back and forth, however, they want God’s love for themselves. God gave us the privilege and the honor of telling them how to get it. Do all of your people know how to tell them?
If a man in your church loves Him enough to want to serve but doesn’t know how, have him help you! If serving is beneath him, leading is beyond him. God gives more to do as we grow. As with Peter, Jesus has begun a good work in your members and He will perform it until the day He returns (Phi. 1:6[28]).
Have you taught your people that they must admit to themselves that they love God in their hearts?
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
Lip service doesn’t spread the Gospel. God expects us to love Him with all our hearts. So do our wives!
Holy Matrimony Until Death is Vital to Society
Every stable culture helps men and women build safe homes where children can grow up to be productive adults. Every culture must raise most kids to be productive adults. If that doesn’t happen, society collapses.
My stories come from American culture and may or may not apply to yours. There’s no point in visiting you. God’s principles are the same; details are different. You must adapt these messages to your people.
Most American women act like it’s OK to have sex without marriage; many men are glad to do it. If a woman doesn't insist that a man grow up, get a job, and marry her before having sex, there's no reason for him to grow up, get a job, or to commit himself to taking care of her. Why did God ordain marriage?
And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. 14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:13-15
God didn’t receive their offerings or blesse their society. Why not? Because men were divorcing their wives. God brings men and women together so His servants raise children and He has more servants. In “Sex and Culture” Dr. Unwin wrote in 1914, “The sexual behavior of women before marriage is the decisive factor in cultural success. Men are mainly motivated by sex. If they can get it without marriage, they contribute less to society.” [29] He’s right about that - Jacob worked 7 years to marry Rachel because he wanted her.
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Caring for a family is a lot of work. A man will marry if he wants a woman badly enough. If he can have her without marriage, however, marrying would bring a lot of trouble without giving him anything he doesn’t have. The American welfare system pays more money for each fatherless child, but stops benefits if she marries. Fatherless mobs have rioted in America, killing and causing billions of dollars worth of damage.
Passion within marriage makes men work to improve their homes to make their wives happy. Dr. Unwin has studied more than eighty former civilizations; all societies which became sexually permissive collapsed.[30]
Older women are commanded to teach younger women about men (Titus 2:3-5[31]). God led my wife to explain that a husband’s goal is 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God doesn’t often give him that much strength, but that’s his plan. 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.
Deu. 21:14, 22:9 and Eze. 22:10-11 say that a man “has humbled” a woman by having her. A girl understands that 5 times will wipe out her independence and make her belong to him. She’ll be upset until my wife reminds her that a she wants her husband to open his heart to her in open talk at least that often. Girls know that having a man open his heart makes him belong to her. Giving his life for her life is OK.
Opening her body makes a wife belong to her husband. Opening his heart makes him belong to his wife.
Marriage is so Simple that the Bible Explains Marriage in One Verse
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
· Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well for her.
· She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they had both made public marriage vows before he took her.
· Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting him is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:2[32]).
80-90% of how a marriage works out depends on how a man treats his wife after they marry, but 80% of that depends on how high she and he set her value by protecting her virtue before they marry (Pr. 31:10[33]).
Isaac Supplied the Tent
Most women want a man’s attention. Playing boy-girl games when you aren't ready for marriage is like playing with matches and gasoline when you don’t want to start a fire. People aren’t toys. Playing with each other before you're mature enough to think of a permanent marriage can lead to serious emotional damage.
There are only three ways it can turn out, all of them bad:
1) You can break up. This hurts, but shows you can survive breaking up. This prepares you for divorce later.
2) You can marry before you're mature enough or have enough income. Mature adults have troubles with the duties and responsibilities of marriage, and marriage is much harder on younger people.
3) You can get involved physically without commitment to each other, which adds to the emotional damage.
If a couple “goes steady” before they’re mature enough to marry, their desires can easily become aroused. Those emotions must be reserved for marriage. It’s emotional fornication if they can’t marry. Emotional fornication often leads to physical fornication, which makes it hard to form loving marriages later.
The teen years and early twenties are a time for striving to learn what you must know to join the ranks of productive, responsible adults; it's not a time to wish you were already grown up. Isaac was 40 years old (Gen. 25:20a[34]) and had enough money to support Rebecca when he married her. That’s a husband’s duty.
Jesus spoke of His servants being obliged to do their duty to Him:
So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do. Luke 17:10
When God gives a woman to be a man’s wife, he must fulfill his God-given duty to nourish her and cherish her (Eph. 5:29[35]) by serving her (Mk. 9:35[36], 10:42-44[37]) as long as they both shall live. God expects her to serve him by being his help meet (Gen. 2:18[38]) reverencing him (Ep. 5:33[39]), and by guiding his house.
Isaac Supplied the Tent, then He Took Rebekah
There is no joy for a man this side of heaven that compares with having a woman like belonging to him. Marriage is wonderful enough to be worth the burden and responsibilities of marriage:
Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. Pro. 5:18
Blessing her husband’s fountain whenever he’s ravished with her love is part of her marriage burden.
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: 19The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
But if they cannot contain, let them marry: I Corinthians 7:9a
Some wedding vows say “to have and to hold.” The man marries to have her; she marries him so he’ll hold her. Naomi gave Ruth the best advice on getting marriage you’ll ever hear:
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth brought it up, he thought it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. What if a woman gives a man rest outside marriage? Her value falls (Pr. 31:10[40]). What would marriage give him that he doesn’t have? If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else? A woman shouldn’t play hard to get, she should be hard to get. It’s him giving his entire life for her life or not at all.
God offers healing to every women who’s fallen into sexual sin outside of marriage through repentance (1 Jn. 1:9[41]) and not doing it again (Jn. 8:11[42]), but healing the emotional damage can take much time and prayer.
He Took Her to Wife
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit. I Thessalonians 4:3-8
Some say that a man possesses his own body, but “vessel” in “the weaker vessel (1 Pe. 3:7[43])” receives. The man’s body gives; the woman’s receives. Aan and wife are “one flesh” so there’s only one body.
A man sanctifies a woman, that is, sets her apart from all other women, by entering into Holy Matrimony with her before taking her. How often do we hear of a man persuading a woman to fulfill his lusts by claiming to love her? Without the sanctification of marriage, taking a woman is sinful lust which God calls “fraud.” This despises God and God will avenge this by denying the man most of the joy which God intended for marriage.
We know from news about dates gone wrong that being taken outside marriage can harm a woman badly and make her bitter. God gives a man the desire of his heart when he takes a woman through lying to her, but defrauding her and taking advantage of her brings leanness into his soul (Psalm 106:15[44]). Fraud followed by bitterness isn’t a good start for marriage. The situation can’t improve unless the man takes responsibility for defrauding her and confesses his sin to her and to their parents.
The Bible uses “took to wife (Gen. 26:34, 1 Ki. 16:31, 1 Chr. 7:15)” to show that the man married the woman before taking her. The chemicals a man injects into her body make her brain produce hormones that affect her thinking. She becomes much more relaxed. She’ll lose her sense of independence and feel a desire to cling to him and to belong to him. This makes her feel vulnerable and dependent. This can be very frightening even if he’s made her feel secure, appreciated, and valued by marrying her before taking her and by opening his heart to her enough that she’s confident that he belongs to her.
If a man takes a woman outside marriage, she knows that he failed to protect her from his passions as Adam failed to protect Eve from the serpent. It’s hard for a woman to follow a man she can’t trust. He must maintain her trust after they’re married. If she says “ouch,” he should stop. Few actions undermine a marriage more than having a man convince his wife that he’ll hurt her when feeling physical desires.
Isaac Loved Rebekah
Older women can teach younger women how to love their husbands (Titus 2:4[45]) because men are very much alike – what comforts one man will make most man feel loved, and it’s so simple that the Bible explains it in one verse (Song 8:3[46]). There‘s no formula for making a wife feel loved because women are so different from each other, but the Bible describes the result. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye, she prayed:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
Women can’t hunt or farm without machinery. On muscle-powered farms, wives depend on husbands for food. Naomi wanted her daughters to have food, clothing, and shelter, but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, and security in knowing that their husbands chose to value and appreciate them as taught in the Song. It’s hard for a wife to trust her husband unless she trusts God who told her to belong to her husband.
Watching any couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women experience this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can say he loves a woman and provide for her without giving his heart. God has the same problem:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
Naomi wanted each daughter to find a husband who poured his heart into nourishing and cherishing her. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7[47]) – wives also appreciate cheerful giving. Consider the sports hero and the cheerleader, a story that happens over and over again in colleges and high schools. What was Delilah’s complaint against Samson?
And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
The woman in the Song is confident that her husband has opened his heart enough to belong to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t belong to her. He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he wasn’t hers. What good was he to her? Why not get some cash and become a national heroine by selling him to the Philistines? What she did wasn’t nice, but who betrayed whom first?
Women share hearts all the time in helping other women bear the burdens of husbands, children, and guiding houses (1 Tim. 5:14[48]). They don’t know it’s as frightening for a man to open his heart as for a woman to open her body. Japanese say “One hair of a woman's head pulls harder than ten yoke of oxen.” Chinese say a man in love rides a wild horse. Many men are afraid to open their hearts for fear of being hurt or vexed:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare men. He may declare his love, but may not admit his love to himself. God says he can:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a
Isaac Loved Rebekah and then He was Comforted
Rebekah was able to comfort Isaac after he convinced her that he loved her.
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
His physical desire seems strange to her, so the wife asks her mother for advice about her husband:
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome her husband into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather do something else is what submission means. She has far more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his sexual energy. That makes it hard for other women to get his attention. If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he'll be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28[49]).
A man can't praise his wife in such detail without paying close attention to her. Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.
How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and constantly looked for things to appreciate instead? That is the essence of the Song. Jesus promised us rest:
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
A bride takes on the yoke of pleasing her husband. He must live with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7[50]). He gets this knowledge by hours and hours of daily open-hearted talk. This opens his heart to her, makes his yoke easy and his burden light, and convinces her that he belongs to her as taught in the Song.
Courtship shows whether he trusts her (Pr. 31:11[51]) enough to truly open his heart and he finds out whether she respects him and honors him (Eph. 5:33[52], 1 Pe. 3:6[53]) in spite of his mistakes. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as his precious gift from God and she acts like his precious gift from God.
Don’t be like Peter
We talked about Jesus working to get Peter to admit how much Peter loved Jesus. This is a common problem.
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8
My mother did not believe that my father loved her. He said he did with his mouth, he honored her with his lips, but he didn’t convince her. My mother played hymns for church and taught her three sons to play the piano. Her people skills were strong enough that her missionary letters got our family to 300% support. My dad never let her know he appreciated her gifts even though her gifts helped his ministry. He didn’t spend the time he should have invested in opening his heart and making sure she felt loved.
We were missionaries to Japan, and the Japanese language is extremely difficult. My dad was grateful to Japanese colleagues who helped him arrange tickets and travel schedules. This would have been nearly impossible for either him or for my mother because of the language.
He was right to appreciate their help, but he never told my mother he appreciated her efforts to “guide our house” in a strange culture when her Japanese wasn’t good enough to have women friends who could help her with all the strange food. Not feeling appreciated by the man she loved dried my mother’s bones.
My mother never understood why my wife, whose gifts were so similar to hers, was loved and appreciated while her gifts were not valued. Even though she was convinced that her wedding vows had been said to God as well as to my dad (Mal. 2:14[54]), she was coming to the conclusion that she would have to leave my dad. The pain of not being loved rotted her bones and was more than she could bear.
Instead of leaving her when she was diagnosed with cancer, my dad took early retirement and nursed her for the rest of her life. The pain of feeling unloved for all those decades had gone so deep that it took years of dad cleaning up her messes when chemotherapy made her throw up before she felt loved.
When she died at 62, mom was convinced that he cared deeply about her. Her mother lived to 95. Given the choice of living 30 more years feeling unloved or dying in confidence she was valued, she’d have chosen early death. For my mother, the certainty of being loved and appreciated was more precious than life itself.
Jesus pushing Peter didn’t make Peter love Jesus but he hadn’t admitted it to himself. My dad loved my mother, but didn’t know it. She was the axle on which his life turned, and he started to die when she was gone. It really isn’t good for a man to be alone, that’s why God arranges that most men die before their wives.
So men, if you want to receive the joys you expected to receive from Holy Matrimony, you must convince your wife that she’s loved, valued, and appreciated. That’s hard to do, but appreciation is vital:
And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. Colossians 3:17
Everything you do with your wife must be done in the name of the Lord Jesus. You must give thanks to God for giving you salvation, for giving marriage in general, and for giving you your wife in particular.
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
Moses warned the Jews to give thanks for everything God gave. They weren’t thankful so He took everything away. They were in want of “all things.” We often take His gifts for granted. “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.” Adopt an Attitude of Gratitude! If you don’t convince your wife that you’re grateful for her and to her, she’ll be unhappy. You’ll lose most of the blessing God intended her to give you.
Many men complain that women are too emotional and too talkative. If it weren’t for the emotional mating drive God put into women, they wouldn’t want to get together with men at all. Would you want to be married to you? Would you want to do all the things she does to keep your family working smoothly?
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
Women are driven to talk about caring for husbands, children, and homes. This is a good thing.
Women complain that men are too possessive. If a wife encourages her husband’s possessiveness, he’ll be inclined to take care of her and his family as God desires. If she belongs to him, her happiness belongs to him. Spending money on the house makes her happy, and making her happy makes him far happier than anything he can do for himself. Solomon said in Ecc. 2 that everything he did was vanity and chasing after wind. This was because he did it for himself: “I gat me, I builded me….” If a man dedicates his work and his life to nourishing and cherishing his wife, children, and church, his work won’t be vain. God gives one source of joy:
Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
A man’s life consists of his work and his wife, that’s his portion, that’s all there is. A wife, like life, is a gift of God. She can’t make him any happier than he makes her. How happy does he want to be?
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
Complaining about God’s gifts instead of being grateful cost the Jews God’s blessing. Complaining instead of thanking and praising makes your spouse unhappy and costs you the blessing God intended for marriage.
If you are truly grateful to God for giving you life, salvation, and marriage, if you truly believe that God is good, you will see that the way He made men and women was designed to bless both of you. If you can’t see how something about your spouse blesses you, that’s your problem, not God’s.
Women appreciate appreciation. The Song shows how to do it – appreciate small things in detail. When her hairbrush gets full of hair, I spend 30 seconds with a comb to clean it so it works again. It’s important to show her that I pay attention to her things. Long hair is a lot of work, so I help her brush it up before she goes to bed and help her brush it down when she gets up. That’s a Biblical command:
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
Women are generally smaller than men and weaker than men. My wife expects me to protect her. Seeing me pay attention to small things gives her confidence that I’m looking out for her safety and her welfare.
What Should You Teach?
A pastor must be “apt to teach (1 Tim. 3:2[55], 2 Tim. 2:24[56]).” Older women must teach younger women, but many older women say they don’t know what to say. Teach your wives to teach about 5 times and about a wife’s need for her husband to open his heart often enough to belong to her. A woman must know her needs so she can test a man to see if he’ll overcome his fears enough to belong to her. Women must quote this:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a
A man can trust his heart to a virtuous woman. If she replies “Yes, sir” as the spirit moves her, he’ll be confident that she’ll respect him in spite of his mistakes. If she gives herself whenever he wants her, he’ll be convinced that she belongs to him. God made men possessive. Being his helps him trust her and also makes him want to take care of her as men take care of whatever they value – car, fishing pole, tools, wife….
When I first asked my future wife for a date, she said, “Before you spend money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband. I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should get married. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”
Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart. When a woman lets herself fall in love with a man who isn’t ready to marry anyone, she’s crusin’ for a brusin’, she’s in for a world of hurt.
When she spoke of my spending money on her before our first date, she signaled that she expected me to pay the bills. In the past, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn’t marry unless he’d grown up and had a job. Many modern girls live with men without marriage and pay “their share” of the rent. She was letting me know that she wasn’t going to do that.
Every man knows in his heart that a woman can give him the joys of Heaven, that’s why men pursue women. I liked her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband! She had no idea what being my treasure would mean, but I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me. If she meant that, I’d be a fool not to marry her, so I said, “Sure.” We married 5 months later.
Years later she told me she had planned to marry her college boyfriend even though he’d never said anything about marriage. Something drove her to ask God if she should marry him, and God told her firmly “No.” It was very difficult, but she stopped seeing him. She had failed to guard her heart.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
She fell in love with him before asking God she should marry him. A woman should never, ever, let herself fall in love with a man until after he marries her. In her sorrow, she told God, “You didn’t like the man I chose, you find me a husband.” We talked an hour or so the day we met, then I told her I was going to date her. I didn’t ask her, I told her. The wheels turned behind her eyes for 15 or 20 seconds, she gulped, and said “OK.”
During that time, she felt God saying, “Who’s going to choose, you or Me?” I was not at all what she’d have chosen, but with God telling her He wanted to give her to me, she was OK with it. That’s why she got marriage on the table before our first date. She trusted God, but in her woman’s heart, she wanted to be sure I was OK with the idea of marrying her.
My wife tells young ladies that if a man won’t agree to consider marrying if she wants to be God’s treasure for her husband, there’s something wrong with him. She should have nothing to do with him.
She also asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
I need this too. A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why I like hanging around her.
Teach that a virtuous wife “openeth her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr. 31:26).” A man who’s emotionally involved with a woman can be hurt terribly by her words even if he won’t admit it. Why would she do anything that will make it harder for him to admit to himself that he loves her?
Remind women to keep themselves “pure and unspotted (Jas. 1:27[57]).” When women commit fornication or leave their homes for the workforce, men think there’s no reason why men need to be sexually pure and work hard to provide for their families. Their incentive is gone.
A wife who wants her husband to convince her that he loves her should strive to make it easy for him to love her by belonging to him and by watching her tongue, but he must appreciate, value, and act on her talk. God gave us an example of woman-type talk:
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dream. He should have relied on her feelings. On the other hand, a wife must let her husband punish their children when necessary no matter how she feels:
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14
Women expect men to protect them, but they need to know that a man can’t protect her unless she obeys. Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” shows that a man can’t protect his family without cooperation or incarceration. Juliet’s father tried to keep her away from Romeo and appointed the family nurse to keep her at home. Juliet fooled the nurse, snuck off, and got together with Romeo. It didn’t turn out well – they died.
Peter Pan told Wendy to stay in the clearing. Captain Hook kidnapped her when she disobeyed and went walking in the woods. Peter had to risk his life in a sword fight to get her back. If he’d known he wouldn’t get Wendy’s cooperation, should he have used incarceration by locking her in the house?
Fathers aren’t infallible. Jacob let his daughter Dina go out to “see the daughters of the land;” Shechem raped her (Gen. 34). David told his daughter Tamar to go see Amnon and didn’t make Amnon marry Tamar after Amnon raped her (II Samuel 13). Did David or Jacob ask their wives’ advice before doing these things?
What About Men?
We’ve talked about what you need to teach your wives to teach other women; here’s what you need to teach men. Women are made for men (1 Cor. 11:8-9[58]) and a wife wants to please her husband (1 Cor. 7:34[59]). Around 90% of the success in a marriage is based on how a man treats his wife.
God gave your wife sensitive emotions so that she wants you to be pleased with her and so that she can tell if you’re pleased or not. Her emotions make her a mirror; she’s not a light. Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex your soul to death (Jud. 16:16[60]), multiply your unhappiness, and give your unhappiness back to you. If you give her praise, appreciation, and love, she’ll multiply your happiness in her and fill your house with the light of your joy in her. Men and their sons reap what they sow to the woman guiding the house, very quickly. A man must teach his sons to honor and appreciate their mother and sisters. If a meal turns into a kitchen disaster, for example, they must appreciate it, help clean up, and eat it, if only for the sake of the effort she put into it.
Most of the book of Proverbs is a father’s advice to his son. Chapters 2 and 5 warn men about non-virtuous women. Chapter 31 is King Lemuel’s words, “the wisdom his mother taught him.”
Pr. 31 wasn’t written to women, it was written to men. It tells a man what to expect of a virtuous woman. It’s easy to see if a woman is like that while courting. Mrs. Lemuel gave one command to men:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Mrs. Lemuel taught her son to praise his wife and teach his children to follow his example of praising and appreciating her. This teaches the “attitude of gratitude” which will bless them all their lives. Praise is partly to encourage his wife and partly to teach her children to respect her. If her daughters respect her, she can teach them how to be treasures for their future husbands instead of being toys. If her sons respect her, she can teach them how to be blessed by their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son.
Teach that nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Not once. Really? What about this?
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Job 2:9
Job’s wife lost seven sons who were her hope of being fed after her husband died – no pensions. Her husband lost his money and spoke of dying. He said she spoke “like a foolish woman.” That implied she wasn’t usually foolish, it was halfway a compliment. He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her.
But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: Ephesians 4:15
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
I want my words to be health to my wife so she’ll want to hear what I tell her. I say, “That didn’t work as well as we planned. What went wrong? Let’s learn to do better next time.” I say “we” because my wife tries to please me by doing everything the way I want it done. That involves me in everything she does.
Criticizing wives is unbiblical, period. Abigail criticized her husband Nabal to David in 1 Sam. 25. In 1 Sam. 25:34[61], David thanked her for talking him out of murdering Nabal. When Nabal died, David married Abigail immediately. God gives 2 rules for criticizing husbands: 1) Only to prevent murder 2) Criticize so sweetly that any man who hears you will want to marry you. If you can’t do it Biblically, don’t criticize your husband.
Today’s Young People like Short Sound Bites
We’re in a sound-bite generation – kids want everything to be short. You can teach salvation in two words: “Only believe.” You can teach marriage in two words: “Only praise.” What if husband and wife never criticized and looked every day for things to praise and appreciate as taught in the Song? Would that work?
I was making a doctor’s appointment for my wife. The young lady figured out that I treasured my wife and asked how long we’d been married. When I told her 51 years, she wanted to know how we did it. I gave her the 2 words – “Only praise.”
Her eyes bugged out. “That’s hard!” she complained. “What do I do if I’m really upset at him?”
“Are you an adult, or are you a child?” I asked. “We teach little kids not to lose their temper, not to throw angry words at each other by the time they’re 2, age 3 at the latest. If you aren’t grown up enough to keep your temper, are you mature enough to marry?” The Bible agrees that we must control our feelings:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Pro. 25:28
Teach the men:
· Only praise. If a woman’s personality irritates him and makes it hard for him to keep his temper, should he marry her? We teach kids not to hurl angry words by age 2 or 3. Are you adult or child?
· When something goes wrong, take responsibility instead of blaming your wife as Adam blamed Eve.
· Open his heart. If he doesn’t trust her enough to open his heart, should he marry her? One of the rewards of opening his heart is that she will learn about him and figure out ways to please him.
· Listen to her advice. God made her to help him (Gen. 2:18, 20[62]); if he won’t listen to her and take her thoughts into account, she will be very unhappy and he will make more mistakes.
The Bible tells us twice that God values multiple sources of advice:
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. Pro. 11:14
Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established. Proverbs 15:22
A wife often knows things her husband doesn’t, particularly about children. It’s foolish for a man to ignore his wife’s knowledge and counsel when making decisions. Even if her ideas aren’t practical, her thoughts may stimulate his thoughts and help make better decisions. In our decades of deciding, it’s been rare that the first idea from either of us stands the test of the other’s knowledge. It can take hours of discussion to get all the facts, but the decision is usually obvious once everyone’s concerns are understood.
The benefits of knowledge sharing are great. That’s one of the ways God wants us to edify one another (1 Thess. 5:11[63]) and provoke one another to good works (Heb. 10:24[64]).
The hardest part about parenting is persuading children that your ways are right. They may obey while living with you, but when they leave, they’ll do what they think is right. Unless you convince them that your ways are best before they leave home, they’ll do something else, to your sorrow, and a wife’s input helps.
Money
God planned that husband and wife should be each other’s source of contentment so they don’t need to spend money on toys. If they meet each other’s needs, they’ll have fewer financial problems.
“Only praise” means keeping emotion out of disagreements and sticking to facts. Money is the very best place for fact-based discussion. I grew up in Japan where heating oil cost $1 per quart; I kept my apartment in Boston, Mass. at 50F, that’s 10C. Before we married, my wife lived in a YWCA in a room over the main boiler. Her room was between 70 and 80 all winter, that’s 26C. We had a lot of expenses when we bought a house.
I listed monthly income and expenses when we got the November heating bill. I showed what we got after taxes. I showed all our expenses including mortgage, cars, phone, etc. I explained that the winter heating bills for December through February would be at double or triple the November bill. We’d barely make it.
I reminded her that she wanted to buy a freezer. We had to save up to buy it. “If you set the thermostat at 50,” I told her, “we can buy your freezer this spring. If we set it at 70, we won’t be able to buy it until fall.”
She knew that a dollar spent on heat was a dollar we couldn’t spend on her freezer. She wore very heavy quilted men’s underwear, drank a lot of hot tea, and we set our thermostat at “way cool.” We bought the freezer; it served us 30 years. We found a way to give her a choice as God gives us free will.
3 years later, we scraped together airfare so I could take her with me on a business trip. She found a crystal vase she really wanted. We’d been eating in cheaper restaurants than my colleagues so I could pay for her food and mine from my daily meal allowance. This was before computers. It wasn’t worth the effort to add up all the meal receipts, so the company gave us a fixed sum for each day.
She knew that her air fare had left us in a bad position, but she wanted the vase. “If you buy groceries and eat in our room,” I told her, “my meal allowance can pay for your vase.” We ate a lot of tuna and the bread sometimes went stale, but we bought the vase. She still has it.
“Only praise” means hiding your emotions and sticking to facts when you talk. You know what you’ve spent, you know what came in. You know the coming bills and what’s coming in. Facts take the sting out of talking about money. Everybody has spread sheets; there’s no excuse not to have factual discussions. Once all the facts are on the table, the answer is usually obvious – “No, you can’t have it yet.”
Gifts and Talents
The Bible tells of a Master who gave His servants money to invest while He was away.
And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey. Matthew 25:15
When He came back, He wanted to know what His servants had done with what He gave. Two of them had done well and were rewarded. One did nothing with the gift and was punished. God’s gifts such as preaching, teaching, or music are His gifts to you. What you do with them are your gifts back to Him.
All gifts are conditional. Parents say, “You left your toy in the rain; you can’t play with it for a week.” The child abused the gift and lost the blessing. Second only to salvation, a wife is the greatest gift a man can receive from God. Her husband is accountable to God for learning about her skills and helping her develop them. If you don’t, you’ll lose your part of God’s reward (Phi. 4:17[65]) for using her gifts for Him.
Shortly after we married, I found that my wife had a fine singing voice. This was a surprise – I’d focused on other matters while we were courting. One reason we were short of money after buying a house was that I bought her a piano so she could practice singing. She has to do the work of developing her God-given singing gift, but I have to make it possible, encourage her, and make sure she has time.
A man is accountable to God for helping his wife use her gifts to glorify Him.
Husband and Wife need Perfect Hearts
Salvation and marriage are alike. Salvation means that you die to your former sinful life to be born again into a relationship to Christ. You then belong to Christ and serve Him out of love for Him. The only way husband and wife can become one as God expects is for each of them to die to their former individual lives in favor of their new family. They then belong to each other and belong to God and serve each other out of love.
David’s heart was perfect with the Lord his God. He sinned, but he never worshipped anyone or anything else. All Israel came with one perfect heart to make David king (1 Chron. 12:38[66]). Husband and wife must enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Couples must keep their hearts perfect with each other all their days by never paying attention to anyone else as a man or woman.
Unmarried love is different from married love. The Bible tells men how to talk outside marriage:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
Men have to be careful not to let talk slide toward the emotional and physical connections God reserves for marriage. Women must stop talking to a man who’s heading toward violating her emotional or physical purity. It’s OK for men and women to talk as long as they talk as persons and not as men and women.
A person-to-person conversation can stray toward man-woman. This is wrong if either party is married. If they’re single, the woman must decide whether they might marry and insist that he agree that the goal of being together and talking like that is to decide whether to marry. If he won’t agree, she should cut him off.
There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage. Men and women can converse as people by avoiding man-woman thoughts or emotions. Your spouse is the only person in the world whose gender should matter to you.
Man-woman talk is dangerous in work situations. You must please the boss to keep a job. It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much. This can lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with talk that does not meet God’s standards of purity.
God warns that men shouldn’t get physical with women outside marriage even if they don’t have sex:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
The Greek word for “touch” includes starting a fire. Would a man take his mother’s arm to keep her from falling? Of course. Would he try to get his mother or sister sexually aroused? Of course not.
Anything a Christian loves more than God is an idol. This ias spiritual adultery. If a husband loves anything – job, hobby, sports, hunting – more than his wife, she thinks he’s in emotional adultery. A wife can let career, girlfriends, or anything else be more important to her than her husband. This, too, is emotional adultery.
Let’s Sum it up in a Few Words
God’s rules are simple. Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Getting married is 4 words, “No sex until marriage.” Staying married is “only praise.” We must praise our spouses as much as God expects us to praise Him; that keeps us focused on what God has given so that we don’t worry about what He hasn’t given.
A man should be able to look his wife in the eye and say from the bottom of his heart, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman. For God so loved me that He gave me you.”
When God looks on you, He sees the purity and perfection of His son, your Lord and Savior. We are commanded to follow God (Eph. 5:1-2[67]), so when you look on your spouse, you are commanded to see the purity and perfection of His son, your spouse’s Lord and Savior.
God expects bride and groom to enter Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. Keep your hearts perfect with the Lord your God, and with each other.
God gave us one plan for both salvation and marriage, and He gave us one love-based way to relate to Him, to our spouses, and to our fellow church members. We praise God in the same way we praise our spouses; we give ourselves to our spouses in the same way we give ourselves to God. When lost people see Christian couples sharing God’s love and God’s forgiveness, they’ll want some for themselves. Showing and spreading the love of God is how we turn the world upside down (Acts 17:1-6[68]). It really is that simple.
Chapter 2 - God Explained What Happened to Women After the Fall
God made both salvation and marriage. If we try to go to Heaven in our own way, we go to Hell when we die. If we try to do marriage our own way, we can make life Hell on earth, but if we do it God’s way, we can give each other a taste of Heaven, right here on earth. When lost people see Christian couples sharing God’s love, forgiveness, and grace, they’ll want some for themselves, and we can tell them how to ask God for it.
Our marriages are our most powerful testimony about the goodness of God. When lost people see that our marriages are no better than theirs, they know we can’t handle this life any better than they do. Why should they care what we say about the next life? Difficult Christian marriages and Christian divorce wreck our testimony and dishonor Christ. Pastors must teach how to build marriages.
It’s simple to keep a man happy. My wife teaches that a husband expects to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. He seldom has that much strength, but that’s his plan (Gen. 29:21[69]). “Simple” may not be "easy." It's simple to walk from Cairo to Cape Town - put one foot in front of the other, repeat until you get there - but not easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not just a stroll across a continent.
There is no joy this side of Heaven for a man like having a woman enjoy belonging to him or for a woman like having a man delight in nourishing, cherishing, and appreciating her. That’s what God expects of us.
The Foundation of Your Life: Is God Really Good? Christians say God is Good; Do They Believe It?
Your entire life is based on your belief in God. Are you convinced that following God’s rules blesses you and leads you to something perfect? Or will His rules block your freedom to find happiness in your own way? People say that God is good, they praise Him, but do they really believe that He is good?
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8 see also Mark 7:6[70], Isaiah 29:13[71]
We can’t know God without giving Him our hearts. Going to church without loving God is just religion. Taking a woman without loving her isn’t what God wants from a man, it’s just lust. Delilah asked Samson, “How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me (Jud. 16:15)? Same thing![72] How many men honor their wives with their lips without opening their hearts to them?
My wife and I have found great joy in marriage because we believe that God is good!
Head knowledge is what we know (2 Tim. 3:7[73]); heart knowledge is what we feel or what we are (Pr. 23:7[74]). Christians say God is good, but what they do shows that head knowledge hasn’t made it into their hearts. God’s creation “was very good (Ge. 1:31).” Gen. 2 and 3 explain the creation of mankind. The only thing that was not good was Adam being alone (Gen. 2:18[75]). Eve completed God’s very good creation.
Men complain about women instead of thanking God for marriage. Men say wives are too emotional and talk too much. The Bible says that a wife is a favor from God (Pr. 18:22[76]) and that God gives good and perfect gifts (Jas. 1:17[77]). A wife is a good and perfect gift from God to her husband. Do you believe that? If a man can’t see that the way God made his wife blesses him, that’s his problem, not God’s. Pray for wisdom!
Christians who truly believe that God is good know that God made men and women to give each other great joy. Others say God is good with their lips. They don’t believe it in their hearts so they complain about differences between men and women instead of being grateful for the differences that make marriage work.
The bride and groom want their marriage to overflow with joy. God is party to their marriage vows (Mal. 2:14[78]), He wants our marriages to be so wonderful that we shine a bright light to the lost. God draws hurting people to a church if Christians in that church are ready to point them at God’s Simple Plan of Salvation. Once they accept salvation, we must teach Christ so that we decrease and Christ increases in their lives. How can God draw hurting couples to a church unless married couples in that church are ready to point them at God’s Simple Plan of Marriage? Knowing how God made men and women to bless marriages is a good start.
Few Christian marriages work out as well as God planned. Given that all parties want it to be joyful, when a marriage isn’t good, something went wrong and something must change. It’s insane to keep doing the same things you’re doing and expect marriage to get better. The man is the leader, so fixing it is on him.
Moses warned that the Jews would lose everything unless they loved God with grateful hearts and gave thanks for everything He gave them:
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
The Jews didn’t thank God so He took the blessings away. A wife can’t comfort and bless her husband as God planned unless she knows she’s appreciated and loved as much as he loves God, page 29. Your wife can’t bless you fully unless she knows you love her with all you have. Scripture shows how to make marriage work.
Adam Failed to Protect Eve and Failed to Lead her Properly
Adam was created to care for the garden and to “keep it” which means to protect it. God formed Eve to help him after telling Adam not to eat from the tree of knowledge (Gen. 2:15-18[79]); she didn’t hear it from God. Eve added “neither shall ye touch it (Gen. 3:3)[80]” to what God said. Adam wasn’t deceived (1 Tim. 2:14[81]). In order not to have been deceived, he had to have heard what Satan said, he was there “with her” the whole time. Why didn’t he tell Eve not to talk to the serpent, correct her misquoting God, or tell her not to eat the fruit? It was his duty to keep her, that’s why God blamed him (Ro. 5:19[82]).
Who misquoted God? Comparing Gen. 2:17 with Gen. 3:3 shows that Eve misquoted God to the serpent. Eve didn’t get it from God, she hadn’t been formed yet. Did Adam add to what God said? Ex. 19:10-11, 15[83] shows that Moses added “come not at your wives” to what God told him. Moses added to what God said. Did Adam? The Bible doesn’t say. Asking a man who misquoted God and learning why he believes what he says shows his attitude toward women.
The moment Eve touched the fruit and didn’t die, she knew that what she believed God had said was false. Adding to the Word of God or misusing the Word of God makes it easy for Satan to question the Word of God.
Everybody Sees how God Punished Adam
Instead of confessing his sin of eating the fruit, Adam blamed Eve and blamed God for giving her to him. She followed his leadership and blamed the serpent (Gen. 3:12-13[84]). To this day, many men blame their wives when things go wrong instead of accepting the responsibility God gave husbands for leading their wives[85].
Anyone who’s tried to farm, plant a garden, or keep a lawn understands God’s punishment of Adam:
Cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; 18Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; 19In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:17b-19
Adam wasn’t cursed, the ground was cursed. It’s hard to get rid of weeds. This punished Eve – women can’t farm or hunt without machinery. A woman had to please a man well enough to make him want to feed her (1 Co. 7:34[86]), or she’d starve. Over generations, that gave women a strong desire to be with men even though men cause women a lot of work, frustration, sorrow, and grief with occasional joy.
Some women understand why men do this. My grandmother visited after our first child. Her husband was harsh and dictatorial, she became a “steel magnolia,” feminine, but tough as nails. She asked when to expect a 2nd great grand. I spoke of cost, worry, and effort helping my wife through pregnancy and caring for a child.
She gave me “that look.” “Young man,” she said,” the pleasures of marriage you enjoy are God’s way of compensating you for the time, cost, sorrow, and work of raising children to serve Him (Mal. 2:15[87]).”
If a marriage isn’t as joyful as our loving God planned, the man must take the lead in fixing it.
Think About Eve’s Life in the Garden
She didn’t need a house - it never rained (Gen. 2:6[88]). They were naked; she didn’t need clothes (Gen. 2:25[89]). She could always find fruit to eat (Gen. 3:2[90]). Adam didn’t provide food, clothing, or shelter, God did that.
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. Genesis 3:7
The first thing they did after their eyes were opened was worry about clothes. Our multi-billion dollar fashion industry works because women care so much about clothes.
God made Eve not only to keep Adam from being alone, but to help him:
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18 Did Eve help Adam by working with him to sew the fig leaves? Or did they sew alone?
A wife’s need to help her husband wasn’t punishment; her strong desire to help was built into her from the beginning. After the fall, God’s punishments of Eve explain how women would get along with men. God told Eve what would happen to her and to her daughters, generation after generation:
Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
Greatly Multiply thy Sorrow Through Sensitive Emotions
Most women have more sensitive emotions than men do. Being sensitive helps women learn how to please husbands, but God multiplies sorrow to women because their feelings are easily hurt. The Bible says:
Every wise woman buildeth her house: Proverbs 14:1a
A woman’s emotions are the cement that builds her house. There’s no logical reason for a wife to pour her life into serving her family, women do this on emotion. Men, would you like to be married to you? Could you do what your wife does? How can women do what they do? Women build homes and churches through love and emotion, but they can’t unless they’re free to express their emotions and are appreciated for it.
God punished Eve by giving women a strong emotional desire to please men (1 Cor. 7:34[91]). Husbands rule through praise: women do more of what’s praised if they aren’t criticized. If all they get is criticism, they’ll do more of what’s criticized the most. God gave women strong emotions on purpose, it was not an accident:
a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
“Prudence” means thinking ahead; the way a woman’s mind works, that is, her prudence, is of the Lord. God made women think the way they do on purpose. The mixture of logic and emotion God gives a woman makes her want to serve her family and build her home while showing us how God’s love works, page 33.
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Pro. 12:18
Be wise. Keep your words to your wife healthful for her. Just before our wedding, my wife asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more criticism hurts. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.” That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I don’t want to make it hard for her to love me, so I watch what I say.
God multiplied conception. How many babies would a woman need to populate the earth if nobody died?
Thy Desire shall be to thy Husband
A woman desires to belong to a man whom she can please by making him happy with her drive to be with him (Song 1:2[92], 8:2-3[93],) just as a man desires to have a woman belong to him (Song 7:10[94]). Although Eve wanted to be with Adam enough to be OK with Adam claiming her and naming her when he saw her (Gen. 2:23[95]), God increased women’s desire to be with a man as part of His punishment of Eve. Men should treat their wives as precious, undeserved gifts from God who made women want to be with men, but not all men do. Warning!
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
A woman must never let herself fall in love or even get emotionally involved with a man until after he marries her. She’ll fall in love after he takes her to wife. 90% of how a marriage goes is determined by how a man values his wife, but 90% of her value to him is determined by how she values herself before they marry. A woman sets her price by what she does. If her price is a few dinners, she isn’t worth much. Her price should be his promise to commit his life to caring for her until death by marrying her before she gives herself to him.
He Shall Rule Over Thee
Eve wanted to be independent instead of following God’s perfect leadership (Gen. 3:6[96]). God make her so that she would desire that her imperfect, sinful husband would rule her instead of God. He made her depend on her husband for food. Marriage should bring a wife joy (Song 8:2-3[97]), but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her (Ecc. 9:9[98]). How happy does he want to be?
You’ve heard my wife’s simple “5 times” rule for keeping husbands happy. There's no simple way for a man to keep his wife happy because women differ much more from each other than men do. Men and women have the same need for belonging, but they express it differently. Men know what they want.
You want your wife to open her body to you. She wants you to open your heart to her. You want to put yourself into her body. She wants to put herself, that is, her words, her thoughts, her feelings, into your heart.
You leave your seed inside her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby. She wants to leave her essence, her being, in your heart where it affects your thinking about her, how you treat her, and how you relate to everyone else. People can see if you belong to each other by looking at you or hearing you.
Husband and wife should be “one flesh” as Adam and Eve were before God separated Eve from Adam’s body (Mk. 10:8[99]). A woman at work tried to attract me. “I was angry when you didn’t even notice,” she told me. “Then I realized, ‘Oh, he belongs to his wife’ so I went after someone else.” I’m careful to have women in my office meet my wife so they’ll know I belong thoroughly to her.
A woman read some of our material. “I was angry at how much you knew about me,” she said. “Then I realized you’re clueless, your wife told you how women think.” I had to listen and understand what my wife said in my heart so I could write about it. God gave me a drive to write about marriage. I’m clueless about the emotional side of marriage, so my wife has to help me. Although helping me takes a lot of her time, she likes my wanting her help and appreciating her help. People who know me at all know that a lot of what’s in our books came from her. Having her works praise her is one of the rewards of being a virtuous wife (Pr. 31:31[100]) but that works only because I want her help, ask for it, and make sure she has time to help me.
You need hours and days of back-and-forth talk or you can’t be one as Jesus expects (Mt. 19:5-6[101]).
A wife wants her husband to open his heart to her as often as he takes her and more. That’s how he gets knowledge of her as God expects (1 Pe. 3:7[102]). If he opens his heart as sincerely, as deeply, as patiently, as often, and as gladly as he expects her to open herself to him, she’ll know he belongs to her. Belonging to each other as taught in the Song (2:16[103], 6:3[104]) gives them both a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
Women open their hearts to each other all the time and don’t understand how scary it is for men. 1 Cor. 11:9[105] says that women are made for men. Men aren’t taught how scary it is for women to belong to men.
What does God Expect of Women?
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, I Timothy 5:14a
My wife had done enough babysitting to know that a job puts great strain on women. They have neither the emotional energy nor the time to raise their children. God expects a mother to give her children 3 gifts:
The first gift is putting your life on the line to give your child life. Death in childbirth is less common than it was but still happens. A pregnant woman walks the valley of the shadow of death out of love for her child.
Jesus created us knowing Adam would sin and that He would have to die to give us salvation. Mothers illustrate His love for us by wanting children enough to risk their lives; fathers should uphold, praise, and help.
The second gift is a husband with a strong emotional, financial, and duty-bound tie to your child. Although a man may have some vague knowledge of the birds and the bees in his head, down in his heart where it counts, a man doesn't really believe he has anything to do with making babies. Your baby is clearly yours - you had it last - but what has your baby to do with him?
Remember the old saying - "The time my father got me, his mind was not on me." What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? The only way to give your child a father is to belong to him thoroughly before you get pregnant. If you require him to commit himself by marrying you before you give yourself and then convince him that you belong to him by encouraging him to have you, your child will also belong to him.
The third gift is the gift of a mother. Having risked your life to give your child life, having given up your independence by belonging to your husband, God expects you to give up your career and dedicate your life to nourishing and cherishing your family. Women with jobs have neither time nor emotional energy to be mothers. They can’t teach their sons how to be Biblical husbands or their daughters to be Biblical wives.
You must be content to live on what your husband earns, encourage him in his career, and mother your children. Proverbs 31 was written to men. 31:1 shows that King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish, cherish, and bless his future wife. This teaching is mostly by example and it takes more time and energy than career women can supply.
By the grace of God, a very few single mothers are able to raise children successfully, but this is rare.
What do Women Desire from Husbands?
When we married, my wife’s job paid her expenses. Taking her to wife on our wedding night gave her a powerful feeling of belonging to me and depending on me. Losing independence was the most frightening experience of her life even though she knew that God wanted her to bear children and guide a house.
Two years later, she quit her job because our work schedules didn’t fit. Giving up her paycheck and depending on me was nearly as frightening as belonging to me even though God tells women to do it.
“In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread (Gen. 3:19[106]).” God gave no way for Eve to eat. As Naomi told her daughters goodbye when sending them back to their families to find husbands, she prayed:
The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
When wives depend on husbands for food, knowing that her relationship to her husband is strong and that he’s glad to feed and clothe her is important to a wife – she and her children could starve if he leaves.
A friend told me his dog growled when a puppy ate from his dish. “Kids are OK,” he said, “if they don’t eat off my dish.” When I told my wife, she said, “No! I want me and our children to eat off your plate.”
People see her eat off my plate. Women have said, “I wish my husband would let me eat off his plate.”
It’s hard to overstate how important it is for a wife to be certain that her husband values her and is pleased with her. She has to know him well in order to be sure that what she does will make him happy.
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
“According to knowledge” doesn’t mean to obey her, it means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, and feelings and think about her when making decisions. If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband always brings home chocolate, does he love her? Will she feel loved? The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation. This is scary for men, but there’s a reward – the better your wife knows you, the more easily she can please you.
Father her Children
Pr. 30:16[107] states that an empty womb is never satisfied. A woman desires children. Having been given children, she desires that their father want to stick with her and enjoy helping her raise them (Eph. 6:4[108]).
Naomi wanted Ruth and Orpah to have food, clothing, and shelter but she also wanted them to find comfort, rest, contentment, and security in constant reminders that their husbands valued and appreciated them as taught in the Song. A woman desires that her husband like feeding, clothing, and housing her and her children and that he delight in opening his heart to her and praising her for her help (Pr. 31:31[109]).
Watching any couple shows whether she’s resting in her husband. Many women get this instead:
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can say he loves a woman and feed her without giving his heart. God has the same problem:
This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. Matthew 15:8 see also Isaiah 29:13[110], Mark 7:6[111]
Naomi wanted each daughter to find a husband who poured his heart into nourishing and cherishing. God isn’t the only one who appreciates a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7[112]) – wives appreciate cheerful giving.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
Your wife took on the yoke of pleasing you when you took her to wife. Do you make it easy for her to learn of you? That’s a major reason she wants you to open your heart – learning of you lightens her yoke.
She Wants to Learn of You
Our church had a split; we needed new leadership. I was pondering my qualifications for church office.
Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well. I Timothy 3:12
“Wife,” I asked, “do I qualify, I don’t rule you, I hardly ever tell you what to do?”
“Yes,” she said, “you rule me utterly. Your ways aren’t natural to me, but we’ve talked enough that I know how you want things done. Just about everything I do, I know how you want it done and I do it your way.”
She served me out of love as Christ died for sinners out of love. Learning of me so she had confidence that I’d be pleased made my yoke easier and my burden lighter as learning what Christ expects of us makes His yoke easy and His burden light. I’d talked with her enough that she could follow me but not enough to realize how my ways ruled her. It hadn’t occurred to me that there was any other way than my way. That’s another reason for a man to talk enough for his wife to learn more about him.
We found cases where my way was a lot harder and wasn’t worth her extra work. Changing back to her ways lightened my yoke as she learned more of me. She’d always accepted my rule, but because I didn’t realize how much I was ruling her, my yoke wasn’t as light as it should have been.
Emotions Scare Men
Women share their hearts all the time in helping other women bear the burdens of husbands, children, and guiding houses (1 Tim. 5:14[113]). They find it hard to understand that it’s as frightening for a man to open his heart as his wife desires as for a woman to open her body as her husband desires or to follow him and depend on him as God desires. A man’s emotions are as powerful as a woman’s. Japanese say “One hair of a woman's head pulls more strongly than ten yoke of oxen.” Chinese say that a man in love rides a wild horse.
Emotions scare a man, and he must realize that his physical drives can scare his wife as much as her drive for emotional talk frightens him. Although he may declare his love to her, he may not admit his love to himself. Having created Peter, Jesus knew how Peter felt. Peter saw Jesus weep and grieve over the cities of Israel (Mt. 11:23[114], 23:37[115], Lk. 10:15[116], 13:34[117]). Peter did not want the sorrow of loving people and seeing them fall away so he hid his emotions from himself.
John 21:15-19 tells how Jesus asked three times whether Peter loved him. Peter finally admitted to filios, brotherly love. Did Jesus' questions make Peter love Him? No, Peter already loved Jesus – he wept bitterly when he betrayed Jesus (Mt. 26:75[118]) – but he didn't want to feel love, knowing how love can lead to sorrow.
If a man won’t admit to himself that he loves his wife, he can’t convince her that he loves her and she won’t be able to comfort him as he expects. Opening herself to him makes her more sensitive to his feelings about her. If she knows he values her skills, feelings, thoughts, and everything else about her, feeling loved more strongly makes her happy. She won’t mind being humbled and will rejoice in his delight in her. If she doesn’t think he’s pleased with her, she won’t want to be more sensitive to that.
A woman has a thousand thousand ways to avoid her husband’s desire, but the fault is often his. She can’t make him any happier than he makes her. A man finds happiness in marriage by convincing his wife that he loves her and that he’s truly happy to care for her and be with her. Words are cheap; love requires action.
My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. I John 3:18
Serving your wife as Jesus commands (Mk. 9:35[119], 10:42-45[120]) shows love. That makes her happy which makes him happy. The Song of Songs starts with the wife praising her husband for getting physical with her:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
She likes getting physical because he appreciates her. Husbands and wives want to please each other:
But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34
For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
I talked to a woman who’d heard the word “Bible” but didn’t know anything about it. I told her it said a lot about men and women. She asked what, so I told her that the Word of God taught that women were made for men. She went blank for 30 seconds, then said, very slowly, “Yes, we are made for men.” More silence. She said, “And there’s not a thing we can do about it.” I said she had to take care which man she belonged to.
Women are made for men (Gen. 2:18[121]), so a wife generally cares more about pleasing her husband than he cares about pleasing her. Scripture warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13 b[122], 21:9[123], 19[124], 25:24[125], 27:15[126]) that an unhappy wife is a hardship; some say, “If mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
This is not criticism of how God made women; it’s a warning to men. A man can command a woman, but he can’t make her like it. There is no joy this side of heaven for a man anything close to having a woman like belonging to him, so keeping a wife happy about choosing to belong to him is worth a lot of work.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
Men, don’t dry your wife’s bones. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wants to please you? She can’t please you if she doesn’t know what you want. The only way she can be confident of pleasing you is for you to open your heart often enough for her to learn your ways in detail.
When a woman finds she can’t please her husband no matter how she tries, we often see death in her eyes, even in photos. Men, if you want to be happy in marriage, be happy with your wife and convince her that you’re happy with her. That makes her happy. There’s no joy this side of Heaven greater than having your wife like belong to you, but convincing her can be difficult because women are so different. Learning how to praise your wife so that she feels appreciated is part of opening your heart to her.
Many men are afraid to open their hearts for fear of being hurt or vexed:
And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
Emotions scare men. He may declare his love, but may not admit his love to himself. God says he can:
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, Proverbs 31:11a
After His disciples went fishing instead of starting the church[127], Jesus asked Peter, “Do you love me?” three times (Jn. 21:15-17). Having created Peter, Jesus knew Peter wouldn’t want to admit his love because Peter had seen Jesus’ sorrow when Jews refused Him and went to Hell (Mt. 23:37[128]). Jesus didn’t make Peter love Jesus, but changing and admitting it to himself made him willing to spread the gospel.
For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not. II Corinthians 8:12
If a man won’t change to admit his love for his wife to himself, he can’t convince her. Being willing to love her and happy to learn how to nourish her will make her happy in finding rest in belonging to him.
Gen. 24:67 “Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent…” A woman desires a place to live and much else. Few men understand their wives many needs; few women have the words to explain. Discuss these Bible verses about a woman’s many needs on page 37 to see what she thinks.
Women see the Bible differently from men; her view helps open the mind of God. My wife saw David and Goliath as a story in human relations! She saw David’s older brother criticize him for coming to the battle before asking why. He didn’t know David’s father had sent him. He’d seen Samuel anoint David to be King and trashed him anyway! He trashed his future king! How dumb can you get? I hadn’t seen that. She helped me see Ruth as a romance story: poverty-stricken widow goes to a strange land to find God, works hard, shows virtue, marries a rich man, and is in Jesus’ line. Her 6 rules for finding rest in marriage[129] still work.
Men Don’t Know Why Wives Can’t Give Comfort
Few men know that the Bible says four times De. 21:14, 22:9 and Ez. 22:10-11 that a man “has humbled” a woman by taking her. We now know that opening herself triggers hormones that change her brain.
God wants children to have fathers. God arranged that a woman wants to cling to the man who takes her. Humbling herself by clinging to her husband and serving him gladly helps her children have a father. The hormones of humbling make her more sensitive to how he feels about her. If he’s pleased with her, feeling that more strongly comforts her as she sees how much he delights in her. If she has doubts about his love or feels criticized, being more sensitive to negative feelings will make her not to want to give herself. A woman has a thousand ways to avoid her husband’s desire, but it’s generally because she doubts his love for her. She won’t want to feel dependent on a man who refuses to belong to her. Such insecurities fuel many fights.
Opening herself to her husband takes a great deal of emotional energy, and opening his heart to his wife takes a lot of emotional energy. The Marriage Arch[130] shows how to recharge each other’s emotional batteries. A man wants his wife to yearn to receive his seed; she wants him to yearn to receive her speech.
Gen. 24:67 “and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.” Isaac didn’t just say he loved Rebekah, he convinced her that he loved her, and then he was comforted. Having a man think he’s told her of his love means nothing, has he convinced her? When we give the Gospel, we’ll tell a sinner that God loves the world. That’s true, but it does the sinner no good unless there’s conviction that God loves him or her. A man thinking he’s told his wife of his love, or fed her, or bought her a house, doesn’t convince her.
For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee. Proverbs 23:7
A man can say he loves a woman and provide generously for her without giving his heart. My college roommate who was best man at my wedding had a serious heart attack. I spent hours in the waiting room with his wife and daughter. His wife was really angry –“How can he just die and leave me all alone?”
It seemed that she was tied to him, but when I told stories of what he and I had done in college, some of the jobs he’d had, and talked of his goals and ambitions, it was evident that he’d told her nothing of his past or where he was going. She had no idea what he was doing. How could she help him? She was frustrated.
His heart recovered a bit. Life went on, but his wife died suddenly in a car accident. He was devastated even though their relationship had been pretty empty and pretty rocky. A month or so later, my wife and I had coffee with him and his daughter. My wife asked, “Did she know how much you loved her?”
He said she’d known, but when he spoke of being sorry that they’d had a quarrel before his wife drove off to her meeting and died on the way back, his daughter exploded, “She didn’t know! You never told either of us you loved us!” He thought providing for them proved it. He was surprised to find that it didn’t.
Another attack killed him a few months later, 35 years to the day after he was best man at our wedding. The call came during our anniversary dinner. As his executor was cleaning out his house, we bought the bookcases he and I had made before he’d married. His daughter had lived with them her entire life but had never been told he’d made them. He was typical of what some women call “island men.” It’s like they live off on a remote island all by themselves without any emotional connection with anyone else.
I understand the Apostle Peter’s desire not to admit his love for Jesus. He wanted no part of the sorrow Jesus had felt. I not only had the sorrow of losing my friend, I had the sorrow of knowing he’s probably gone to Hell and the sorrow of knowing the sorrow he put on his wife and daughter because they didn’t feel loved.
I knew why he didn’t open himself to them, however. It was so scary for me to open my heart to my wife after we were married that I remember vividly the moment I realized just what opening myself to her would mean. I did this by faith; it was years before I began to see just how important this was to her. My friend wasn’t a Christian, he didn’t know God, so he didn’t know that God expected him to trust his wife.
Seed and Speech are a Man’s and Woman’s Form of Communication
Women communicate heart to heart; men communicate belly to belly. It’s a sacrifice for a man to talk as much as his wife needs. It’s a sacrifice to meet a husband’s needs. She thinks he wants to do the same old thing over and over. He thinks that she wants to talk about the same old thing over and over. God expects a man to open his heart to his wife often enough and thoroughly enough that they learn each other’s needs:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
If a man fails to honor his wife by listening to her enough to know how best to nourish and cherish her, his prayers are blocked. This can take a lot of talk. Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was really looking forward to being married. I was too. I thought we were on the same page, but she went on. “I like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”
We were not on the same page. We weren’t in the same chapter. We were in totally different volumes! That’s more talk than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day! We’d talked a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else. I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more. The Holy Spirit led her to tell me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant from her point of view.
That’s probably the only reason I was willing to open my heart to her after we were married.
I had no idea how vital this was. A woman can’t follow or obey unless she knows what he wants. She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants. Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy and helps her understand his praise.
A wife’s need for talk isn’t fulfilled until she’s OK. A man’s need to be physical isn’t fulfilled until he’s OK.
God made women think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14b[131]). It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying or for her to understand him well enough to be sure of pleasing him. If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to talk enough for her to feel that I valued her mind. If I hadn’t appreciated her thoughts, she wouldn’t have been able to help me write about marriage. A happy wife makes her husband as happy as he made her; making my wife feel appreciated makes her happy and her help benefits me greatly. This draws us together and makes us one in Christ.
Opening my heart was scary, but Pr. 31:11 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her. The Bible teaches women to call their husbands “Lord.” It helped that she’d call me “Sir” as the spirit moved her. That gave me confidence that she respected me even when I made mistakes. That made it easier for me to open my heart and show my love for her.
I wrote a letter, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman; for God so loved me that He gave me you.” If a man can look his wife in the eye, tell her that, mean it, and live it, the marriage will most likely work.
If you want to be happy in marriage, be happy enough to convince your wife that you’re happy with her.
Marriage in Two Words
Marriage can be explained in one minute, see page 30. This section explains marriage in two words.
Salvation is two words, “only believe (Lk. 7:50[132]).” God’s rule for a man and woman coming together is three words, “only in marriage.” Staying married is two words, “only praise.” This can be hard for people who weren’t taught the love, joy, and peace which come from Christ, but people learn as they grow in Christ.
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. I want my words to be health to my wife so she’ll want to hear me. I say, “That didn’t work as well as we planned. What went wrong? Let’s learn to do better next time.” I say “we” because she tries to do everything the way I want it done. That puts me in all she does.
When you die, people will remember the very last thing you said. Don’t say anything which wouldn’t please you as a last memory of you. You can apologize, but you can’t un-say anything, not ever.
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, / Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit / Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, / Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.” ― Omar Khayyám
I was making an appointment. The young lady saw that I treasured my wife and asked how long we’d been married. When I told her 52 years, she wanted to know how we did it. I gave her “only praise.” Her eyes bugged out. “That’s hard!” she complained. “What do I do if I’m really upset at him?”
“Are you an adult or a child?” I asked. “We teach kids not to lose their temper, not to throw angry words at each other by the time they’re 2, age 3 at the latest. If you aren’t grown up enough to keep your temper, are you grown up enough to marry?” Following Christ leads you to grow in grace so that you can do this.
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 5:1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; Ephesians 4:32-5:1
Jesus expects us to follow after God. God sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ because His blood has washed away your wife’s sins. You must look on your wife as God sees her.
Christ is our example for how we treat each other. He answers prayers even before we ask. A husband should know his wife’s needs well enough to meet them before she asks.
Marriage is simple: Believe in your heart that God is good and that He made men and women so that we can work together to build joyful marriages. “Only praise,” open your hearts to each other, and follow God by seeing each other, treating each other, and talking about each other as perfect (Song 4:7[133]). That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage. Nothing else works as well.
Chapter 3 - Thou Shalt Love the Lord Thy God
God’s command “love the Lord thy God” is in scripture 14 times! This shows the logic of God’s plan for us. Choosing to love Him as He commands helps us serve Him better. Couples who strive to love and serve each other as they love and serve God will give each other a taste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
Paul prayed “that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment (Phil 1:9).” Pray that God will make your love abound for Him, your family, your church, and the lost. People who see your joy in loving each other and loving them will want God’s love for themselves! Any group or society based on loving God and each other as He commands will bring joy to everyone who joins in loving God.
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment. Matthew 22:37-38
And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. Mark 12:30
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. Luke 10:27
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. Deuteronomy 6:5
Therefore thou shalt love the LORD thy God, and keep his charge, and his statutes, and his judgments, and his commandments, alway. Deuteronomy 11:1
And it shall come to pass, if ye shall hearken diligently unto my commandments which I command you this day, to love the LORD your God, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul, 14That I will give you the rain of your land in his due season, the first rain and the latter rain, that thou mayest gather in thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil. Deuteronomy 11:13-14
For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him; Deuteronomy 11:22
Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Deuteronomy 13:3
If thou shalt keep all these commandments to do them, which I command thee this day, to love the LORD thy God, and to walk ever in his ways; then shalt thou add three cities more for thee, beside these three: Deuteronomy 19:9
And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live. Deuteronomy 30:6
In that I command thee this day to love the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest live and multiply: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in the land whither thou goest to possess it. Deuteronomy 30:16
That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the LORD sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them. Deuteronomy 30:20
But take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul. Joshua 22:5
Take good heed therefore unto yourselves, that ye love the LORD your God. Joshua 23:11
Loving God with your soul is mentioned 8 times, walk in His ways 4 times, love with your mind 3 times, strength twice, might once, and so on. God commands us to choose in our minds to give more than just our hearts. We’re expected to love God with everything we have! This is a deliberate, practical choice. Deciding to love in this way binds couples together with God, with each other, and with the church.
Explaining Marriage in One Minute
You can explain both marriage and salvation in 30 seconds. Parents spend years getting kids into good colleges but not much time, talent, toil, or treasure teaching them how to have good marriages. We don’t expect kids to drive without being taught, how can we expect good marriages without teaching?
Nobody deserves salvation; every person is a sinner who deserves to go to Hell (Rom. 3:23[134], 5:12[135], 6:23[136]). If you accept salvation, God gives you the gift of eternal life (Rom. 6:23b). God doesn’t see your sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12[137], I Cor. 6:11[138]).
God and His Son see you as perfect (Eph. 5:25-27[139], Rom. 8:1[140], 1 Ki. 8:61[141], 15:14[142], 2 Ki. 20:3[143]).
Accepting Jesus’ free offer of salvation makes us servants of Jesus Christ (Ps. 100:2[144], Rom. 1:1[145], Tit. 1:1[146]). We belong permanently to Jesus (Jn. 10:29[147], 1 Cor. 6:19[148]), serve Him out of love (2 Cor. 5:14-15[149]), and strive to walk in good works as Jesus taught (Eph. 2:10[150]).
God expects us to serve spouses, families, and churches (Rom. 12:10[151], Eph. 4:12[152], 5:21[153], 1 Pet. 5:5[154]). Focus on God through Christ. What God does is perfect; serving Him by serving your spouse is a perfect calling (Mk. 9:35[155], 10:42-45[156]). Focus your eyes on your perfect God, not on fallible people (Phil. 2:1-8).
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in a Half-Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
Eph. 4:31-32[157] tells us to forgive each other as God forgives. God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps. 103:10-12[158], Is. 43:25[159], Heb. 10:17[160]). When God washes away our sins (Heb. 9:14[161], 10:19-22[162]), what’s left is perfect and without condemnation (Rom. 8:1[163], 15:13[164]). Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.” God sees us as perfect, so we must follow God and see our spouses as perfect.
That’s the key to marriage. Treat your spouse as perfect, praise your spouse as perfect, say your spouse is perfect for you, and thank God for putting you in a perfect marriage (Ps. 68:6[165]). Marriage prospers if the husband treats his wife as God’s perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s perfect gift to him (Jas. 1:17[166]). He’s to love, nourish, cherish, honor, and sanctify her (Eph. 5:29[167], Song 4:7[168], 6:9[169]) as perfect, she’s to obey him and submit to him in reverence (Eph. 5:22, 33[170], Col. 3:18[171]) even though neither of them deserves the other!
That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage in One Minute. If they’re still listening, you can go on:
We must love God with perfect hearts. “Love the Lord thy God” is in the Bible 14 times (Deu. 6:5, 11:1, 11:13, 11:22, 13:3, 19:9,30:6, 30:16, 30:20, Joshua 22:5, 23:11, Mt. 22:37, Mk. 12:30, Lk. 10:27)! 1 Kings 11:4 and 15:3 speak of David having a perfect heart with the Lord his God. David sinned, but he never turned from worshiping God to worshiping anything else. Faithfulness and repentance kept his heart perfect with God.
God expects us to keep our hearts perfect with Him and with each other. We must not let our hearts stray toward anyone else or anything else (Job 31:1[172], Song of Solomon).
As David was perfectly confident in God and rested in what God gave him, we must learn to rest content in each other and in what God gives us (Ruth 1:9a[173], Mt. 11:28[174], Phi. 4:11[175], 1 Tim. 6:6[176], Heb. 13:5[177]).
Love God by loving your spouse; serve God by serving your spouse, praise God by praising your spouse is simple, but “simple” isn’t “easy.” It’s simple to walk from Maine to California – put one foot in front of the other, repeat ‘til you get there – but not easy. Marriage is a lifetime journey, not a stroll across a continent.
Groups of God’s people in a local church should act with hearts as perfect as David’s:
All these men of war, that could keep rank, came with a perfect heart to Hebron, to make David king over all Israel: and all the rest also of Israel were of one heart to make David king. I Chronicles 12:38
The people agreed with one perfect heart that they wanted David as their king. God gave us one way to relate to Him, that is, with perfect hearts and never go after other gods. Husband and wife must both have perfect hearts with God. Both must have perfect hearts with each other and never go after anyone else.
As God graciously gives His salvation to those who earnestly seek Him (De. 4:29[178]), He graciously gives the blessings of marriage to couples who seek Him and enter into Holy Matrimony with one perfect heart. “Holy” means “set apart to the Lord for His purposes.” Holy Matrimony belongs to God, not to us.
We’re not talking about gluten-free, no calorie diet matrimony as lost people do, we’re taking the real deal, we’re discussing Holy Matrimony which bride and groom should enter with one perfect heart. There is no vow in salvation; your marriage vows are the most solemn, binding vows any human can ever utter.
As we work out God’s salvation in fear and trembling (Phi. 2:12b[179]), we work out God’s gift of marriage as we mature, grow, and learn. David never lost his salvation, but his sins took away his joy:
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Psalm 51:12
Salvation belonged to God and not to David. He knew that God would faithfully restore his joy in God’s salvation once he restored his relationship with God through repentance and confession (1 Jn. 1:9[180]). Be prepared to confess to one another and forgive one another to restore your joy in marriage (Jas. 5:16[181]).
The Love of God
My parents convinced (2 Cor. 5:11a[182]) me to accept Christ as my Savior when I was in 2nd grade. I loved Jesus because He loved me enough (Ro. 5:8[183]) to accept the punishment for my sins.
Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Jesus knew Adam would sin before He said “let there be light” to start creation. Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough to create us anyway! What does His love say about the way He ordained marriage?
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: Isaiah 1:18
Be logical. Jesus loved us enough to create us even though He knew He’d have to die to save us from our sins. Would a God who loved that much create men and women so that we couldn’t build joyous marriages? God designed us so couples can find joy in working together to create safe spaces where children can grow. God put powerful drives into men and women to bind us into families which bless us if we follow His plan.
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
God gives good things if we ask. A wife is a good thing. We must follow the salvation instructions God put in His Word to go to Heaven. We must follow His instructions in His Word to have joy in marriage.
God Demonstrates His Love Through Women
It’s hard to understand how a Holy, perfect God can love wretched sinners like you and me (Ps. 8:4[184], Heb. 2:6[185]). God knew that, so He gave us mothers to show every one of us how His love works.
Mom and Dad taught me what I needed to know to accept Christ as my Savior when I was in 2nd grade. I loved Jesus because He loved me enough (Ro. 5:8[186]) to accept the punishment for my sins – taking the punishment for my brothers’ sins was hard for me to think about.
I was 14 when I saw the difference between true Christians and fake Christians. I had to choose as Joshua and Elijah chose (Jos 24:15[187], 1 Ki. 18:21[188]). I decided that I really did love Jesus, so I couldn’t be friends with the fakes. Every Christian must choose whether to follow the crowd or to stand for Christ (Eze. 22:30[189]).
Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough to create us anyway!
It’s hard to understand loving us enough to die for us before we were born. God shows us by having mothers risk death to give life. Before modern medicine, a woman had about a 98.5% chance of surviving pregnancy. Without birth control, women had so many pregnancies that 1 woman in 8 died in childbirth.
Every girl knew someone who had died in childbirth. Every girl knew that she would walk the valley of the shadow of death for each child (Gen. 35:18[190], 1 Sam. 4:20[191]), yet women wanted to marry and bear children (Gen.30:1[192], Lk. 1:25[193]) anyway. Women want children badly enough to risk death; Jesus wanted the pleasure and glory of creating us so badly (Rev. 4:11[194]) that He chose certain death before creating everything!
Jesus knew He would weep when people He loved wouldn’t accept His offer of salvation (Is. 53:3[195], Mt. 23:37[196], Lk. 13:34[197]) and that He would have to die to save us from our sins, yet He created the world which led to my birth anyway. I was born before antibiotics could fight childbed infections. My mother gladly risked her life to give me life and did it again and again for my brothers. That’s the woman’s part of Gen. 5:1-2 “in the likeness of God made he him,” when “he [that is, God] called their name Adam” to include Eve.
Your mother risked her life to give you life, shed her blood in painful labor to birth you, then labored to keep you alive; Jesus died to give you more abundant life (Jn. 10:10b[198]) followed by life eternal (Mt. 25:46[199], Jn. 4:36[200], 12:25[201], 17:3[202]). Thank them both.
Let your mother know you appreciate her wanting you in spite of the peril and pain she’d bear giving birth to you (Pr. 31:28-29[203]) and thank your wife for being yours. Then thank Jesus for creating you in spite of knowing that He would have to die to take the punishment for your sins (Jn. 15:3[204]).
What did you do to earn Jesus’ giving His life and His blood (He. 9:12, 22[205]) to pay the penalty for your sins and my sins? Nothing. There is nothing we can do to earn salvation (Is. 64:6[206], Ro. 3:10[207]), it is an undeserved gift of God (Eph. 2:8-9[208]) He died to give us life because He loves us (Eze. 33:11[209], Ro. 5:8[210]).
If someone gave you a gift, would you hand over money to pay for it? That would refuse the gift. Trying to get to Heaven by being good, being religious, going to church, tithing, doing good deeds, is not only impossible (Ro. 3:11[211]), trying to earn your way into Heaven blocks you from accepting Jesus’ offer of salvation from your sins (Gal. 5:4[212]). You’re trying to pay for a freely-offered gift whose price is far more than you could ever pay.
What did you do to earn your mother’s risking her life to give you life and then pouring her life into keeping you alive and teaching you how to behave as an adult? Nothing. She risked her life before she knew anything about you. She gave her life freely based on the emotional drives God put into her and looked forward eagerly to your birth as she felt God forming you within her womb (Is. 49:5a[213]).
Some mothers harm their children. God didn’t want that, it’s because of the sin which came into the world when Adam refused to confess his sin and would not ask God to forgive him. God asked Adam, “Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat (Gen. 3:11)?”
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
God doesn’t change (Mal. 3:6[214]). God would have forgiven Adam if he’d confessed. Instead of admitting his sin, Adam blamed Eve for giving him the fruit and blamed God for giving him Eve!
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12
God told Adam to keep the garden (Gen. 2:15), which meant to protect it. Gen. 3:6 says “she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.” Note two important words “with her!” “Adam was not deceived (1 Ti. 2:14),” so we know that he heard what the serpent said. People forget that Adam was there with her the entire time! Why did he let the serpent deceive his wife? Why didn’t he protect his wife whom God had trusted to his care?
Be realistic, men, blaming your wives when things go wrong won’t help you any more than it helped Adam, you are the leader, so it’s on you. God designed women’s minds and hearts carefully so that a mother’s love for her children usually illustrates His love for us, His children. Adam’s sin brought so much sin into the world that a few mothers fail to love their children as God planned.
We’ve seen mothers reject children when men reject mothers after getting them pregnant without marriage. Women blame the father even though they wanted children and stopped taking birth control pills without telling him. Such mothers often reject a child who looks or acts enough like the father to remind her that the child’s father sinned against her by taking her without marriage even though she wanted his baby.
Even if the father stays with the woman, he may resent the child because the mother got herself pregnant by stopping her pills without his agreement. The mother got a baby, but at what cost?
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
In several cases we know, the father accepted later children when he’d agreed to be a father. Even years later his resentment of his oldest and his acceptance of his younger children are evident to anyone who knows the family. What could we say when relatives asked why kids were treated differently?
Parents’ breaking God’s rules about sex brings leanness into their souls. This comes from the birth control pill. Before the pill, a man knew that if he came together with a woman, he’d be a father within a year. The pill lets couples “play house” instead and pretend that God doesn’t care that they’re breaking His laws.
If a woman’s on the pill, a man feels she expects to have sex, so why not with him? If she isn’t on the pill, she can say “No, I’ll get pregnant. Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.” That’s taught in Gen. 24:67[215]. If a man’s offer to a woman doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical. If he can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her and discard her. God hates that!
God made men possessive to help give children fathers. If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman, she chooses to belong to him, and encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she becomes pregnant, her children also belong to him. If she’s not his, the kids are hers, and she can look after them herself.
God's love and God's salvation are undeserved gifts of God. Most mothers show how His love works. We should love Him because He first loved us (Ro. 5:8[216]). His love should drive us to serve Him as He requires (2 Cor. 5:14a[217]). God never bullies us into obedience; He always lets us choose whether to obey His commands or not. He yearns for obedience (De. 5:29[218], 30:9-10[219]), but He never forces us. The choice is ours.
The Apostle Paul wrote that we work to spread the Gospel because our love for Christ “constraineth us,” that is, makes us do it. We serve Him because our love for Him pushes us to want to please Him.
For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
In the same way, our love for our spouses should push us to do whatever we can to please him or her. If lost people see married Christians working to please each other out of love, they’ll often ask how we handle problems the other person causes. That gives us a chance to talk about God’s love and God’s forgiveness. God forgives us, so God expects us to forgive other people in the same way He forgave us.
God tells us how to Build Joyful Marriages
A bridge built on wrong ideas about steel and concrete will fall. Like steel and concrete, women and men have different strengths and weaknesses. You can push hard on concrete, but it breaks if you pull on it. You can pull on steel, but pushing makes it bend. As steel and concrete become one in a reinforced slab which has the strengths of both, the forces God created to hold couples together form a one-flesh unit that stands strong against the pressures of life. When men and women use God’s forces wrong, their union is weakened. A marriage based on wrong ideas about men and women will suffer or fall. Here are some facts:
· A woman wants babies. It doesn’t matter what she says, her basic nature comes out if she’s happy with her husband. If women didn’t want babies, there wouldn’t be any babies given birth control.
· A man wants to throw a woman on his horse, ride off, take her, and possess her. He may try to hide his possessiveness, but his basic nature comes out in the end, particularly after they’re married.
Women are smaller than men and weaker than men. The Japanese character for “man” combines characters for “field” and “strength” because a man provides strength in the field. “Strength” means to “press down and control, to get the upper hand.” God made men strong enough to feed and defend women who don’t have to be as large or as strong. Women can stay home instead of going hunting or farming. Using less food to feed muscles gives women more energy to make babies and take care of them.
Why God Made Men and Women Think So Differently
God made males and females think differently to help us be fruitful and multiply. Instead of trusting that a loving God He created us to bless each other, women complain that men are too possessive, too controlling, and can’t find anything in a refrigerator. Men complain that women are too emotional and talk too much.
Very few people can explain their thought processes. This article[220] discusses the different ways male and female brains work to help couples talk about how they think. Understanding draws them closer.
Discussion Points
These verses explain what women desire. Discussing them helps dwell according to knowledge of her as God commands (I Pe. 3:7[221]). In drawing closer to God by discussing His Word, you’ll draw closer to each other.
Present – a woman expects to be treated as a gift from God
(Pr. 18:22[222],
Ec. 9:9[223],
I Col. 11:9[224],
Ge. 2:18[225])
Prayer – she expects him to lead in prayer which brings wisdom (I Thess.
5:17-18a[226],
Ps. 127:1[227],
Jas. 1:5[228])
Provision – she expects him to provide food, clothing, and shelter for
her and for her children (Gen. 24:67[229])
Protection – she expects protection from his passions, her emotions, and
from all external threats
Procreation – she expects him to appreciate her children as her finest
gift to him (Ps. 128:3[230])
Paternity – she expects him to be emotionally, financially, and
logically involved in helping her raise her children (Pr. 19:18[231],
Pr. 23:13[232],
Gal. 4:1-2[233],
Eph. 6:4[234],
Heb. 12:7[235])
Pleasure – she desires physical pleasure from him (Song 1:2[236],
8:2-3[237])
She expects him to enjoy talking with her and to take pleasure in opening his
heart to her (Jud. 16:15a[238],
Pr. 31:11-12[239],
I Cor. 7:3[240])
Praise – she desires that he appreciate and praise (Pr. 18:22[241])
all of her efforts on behalf of her family. She expects him to teach her
children to praise her and appreciate her (Pr. 31:28-29[242])
Partnership – she expects him to share the responsibility of educating,
cleaning, raising, and guiding her children (Gal 4:1-2[243],
Eph. 6:4[244]).
She expects him to draw on her help to advance his career (Mt. 27:19[245]).
Participation – she wants to know everything he does, to be involved in
all decisions, and to use her gifts to bless him (I Cor. 7:34[246]).
Patience – she expects him to spend as much time as it takes talking to
her enough to know her (I Pe. 3:7[247])
Peculiarity – he should know and rejoice in her unique, feminine
peculiarities, to delight in how God made her different from all the other
women in the world (Pr. 19:14b[248],
Song 6:9a[249])
Perception – she expects him to understand and appreciate her gifts and
to enjoy her unique way of thinking and expressing herself (Pr. 18:22[250],
James 1:17[251])
Pleased – she cares deeply that he be pleased with her (I Cor.
7:34[252])
Plan – he must explain where he’s going clearly so that she can follow
him in confidence that she’ll please him. She can’t follow if she doesn’t know
where he’s going; she can’t obey if she doesn’t understand
Persuasion – she wants him to teach her and gently persuade her (Ro.
14:5[253],
14:23[254],
II Cor. 5:11a[255],
Phi. 1:9a[256])
instead of just commanding without discussion
Part – she expects to be a vital part of his life, to be the axle on
which his wheel of his life turns, to be the tail on his kite, holding him
steady as they soar together (I Cor. 11:3, 9[257],
Mt. 19:6[258])
Place – she expects a place to live, a place in his life, and a place in
his heart (Gen. 24:67[259])
Peer – she isn’t his peer, she needs him to appreciate the ways she and
he are different. The world says that men and women are the same; the Bible
says they are not (Gen. 1:27[260],
Matt 19:4-5[261],
Mark 10:6[262])
Peace – she expects him to rule gently (De. 28:56a[263])
so that her heart can find rest in being his (Ruth 1:9a[264])
Potential – she expects him to fulfil his potential in serving God,
better himself throughout their married life, and help her better herself to
fulfil her potential (II Tim. 2:15[265])
Purity – she expects him to value and guard her purity both before and
after marriage (Pr. 31:10[266])
Privacy – she expects him to value her thoughts and to keep the secret
thoughts of her heart to himself (Pr. 11:13[267],
20:19[268])
Perfection – she expects him to treat her as a perfect wife (Song 4:7[269],
James 1:17[270])
Passion – his desire should be towards her and towards her alone (Song
7:10[271])
and she expects to delight in it (Song 1:2[272],
8:2-3[273],
Pr. 5:18-19[274])
Possession – she expects him to belong to her and she to him (Song 2:16[275],
6:3[276]).
We know how a woman shows that she belongs to her husband. How does a man
convince his wife that he belongs to her?
A man expects the “three warms,” a warm heart, a warm bed, and warm meals (Gen. 29:21[277]).
Chapter 4 - What Women Need from Husbands
It’s hard to build a bridge without knowing concrete and steel. It’s hard to build a successful marriage without knowing the needs of men and women. Pastors must be “apt to teach (1 Tim. 3:2[278], 2 Tim. 2:24[279]).” You must teach men how to appreciate their wives and your wives must teach women how to explain their needs.
Marriage is simple: Believe in your heart that God is so good that He made men and women to work well together to build joyful marriages if we do it His way. “Only praise,” and follow God by thinking, treating, and talking about each other as perfect (Song 4:7[280]). That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage.
The Bible puts men in charge of families so making marriages better is the husband’s duty. There’s no disgrace in not understanding women. King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, was bitterly confused and frustrated in marriage. We have more of the Word of God than he had so we can do better.
Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3[281]). They were his property. There was no “I’m not in the mood” or “I have a headache.” That sounds like a man’s paradise, but how did it work for Solomon?
Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. Ecclesiastes 7:27-28
Solomon owned a thousand women, yet his soul was empty. Why? He could command whatever he wished, but he couldn’t make them like it. Having made women smaller and weaker than men, God protects women by making sure that a wife’s unhappiness spreads throughout the house even if she tries to keep it to herself. This gives men a reason to make their wives happy, but they need to know how to do it.
The wife in the Song is convinced that her husband has opened his heart enough to belong to her:
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song 6:3
Just before our wedding, my fiancé told me she was eager to marry. “I like talking to you” she said. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.” Her reason to marry me was to talk to me. That was not why I wanted to marry her (Gen. 29:21[282], 1 Cor 7:9a[283]). Do men marry to talk?
That weekend her mother told me, “There’s so much to do. We may have to postpone the wedding.” I told her she could postpone the wedding, but I wasn’t going to postpone the honeymoon. She got it done.
When she saw us after the wedding, she asked if I’d learned how to handle her daughter. “Yes,” I replied. “With both hands!” A young woman needs to know that her husband plans to handle her with both hands.
A Wife’s Need for Open Hearted Talk
The Book of Esther tells how marriage works. King Ahasuerus had an empire-wide beauty contest for a new queen. Esther pleased him and became queen. When Haman conspired to murder all the Jews, Esther’s uncle Mordecai asked her to talk to her husband to try to stop the slaughter. Esther replied:
All the king's servants, and the people of the king's provinces, do know, that whosoever, whether man or women, shall come unto the king into the inner court, who is not called, there is one law of his to put him to death, except such to whom the king shall hold out the golden sceptre, that he may live: but I have not been called to come in unto the king these thirty days. Esther 4:11
Ahasuerus “loved Esther above all the women (Esther 2:17)” but he ignored her for a month. Wives really want to talk to their husbands. Suppose the king told them not to come. When a king’s wife tried to come in to talk to him, would a guard get physical with her to keep her out? Not if he valued his head.
The only way to keep a wife from trying to talk to him when he hadn’t called her was to threaten her with death! That is how badly wives yearn to talk to husbands. Proverbs 17:22 teaches, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” Not being able to talk to her husband dries her bones.
There’s a saying, “If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs, but if he sees only her face or figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him.” Opening his heart enough to love a woman’s soul takes so many days of talk that a man can’t belong to more than one at a time. Instead of having one woman enjoy belonging to him, Solomon had 1,000, unhappy women under his roof. No wonder his soul was empty.
Why did David want Bathsheba when he had so many wives? Because he hadn’t taken the time to open his heart to any wife enough to love her soul. He wasn’t satisfied, so he lusted after Bathsheba.
Subject Yourselves One to Another 1 Peter 5:5
The more a man takes his wife, the more she wants to talk. The more a man talks to her, the more he wants to take her. They must “be subject one to another (1 Pe. 5:5[284])” to make it work. The Bible tells how:
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. I Corinthians 7:4-5
The wife not having power means she should open herself to her husband to keep him from temptation. The man not having power of his body means that he must open his heart. If he doesn’t meet her emotional needs, she’ll be tempted to talk emotionally to other men. Emotional talk often leads to physical infidelity.
One of the problems of women having jobs is that you must please your boss to keep a job. I’ve seen women pleasing men bosses and men pleasing women bosses just a little too much and end up destroying two families. Meeting the wife’s emotional needs and the husband’s physical needs helps avoid temptation.
A Wife is a Mirror, She’s not a Light
Women multiply what men give. Consider babies. You give her one tiny cell. She multiplies your seed within her, and gives you a baby with billions of cells. Every cell of her baby has the mark of your DNA (Gen. 5:3[285]).
If you give her joy, love, appreciation, praise, and sanctification (Song 6:9[286]), she’ll multiply what you give her and fill your home with love and light to the Glory of God. If you give her anger, criticism, or harshness, Satan will tempt her to multiply that and your house will fill with anger and pain.
Your Open Heart
Men know that a happy woman is Heavenly and that an unhappy woman can give him a taste of the punishments of Hell. A man's emotions are as powerful as a woman's, but men engage their emotions more slowly. A man will try not to let himself love a woman unless he's confident of making her happy.
Few women can explain their needs to men, and no man can figure it out. I was blessed that my wife had asked God to choose her husband. God couldn't give her to me without teaching me about her. The Holy Spirit led her to ask that I treat her as a treasure before dating and led her to explain herself to me.[287]
What she said made me confident that I could meet her needs and take care of her. That made me want very much to marry her. We wrote it down for our granddaughter. She used it and it worked for her.
When I Asked for a Date, She Said, I’m Looking for a Husband, I Want to get Married.
“God made me to be a treasure for my husband,” she said. “If that’s not you, we can part friends. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out at all, but I want you to agree that the reason to be together is to decide whether you and I will marry. I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me. If you aren’t willing to consider marriage, don’t waste my time.”
I was attracted to her and I liked talking to her. I knew that God made all women to be treasures for their husbands. If she decided she wanted to be my treasure, I’d be a fool not to marry her, so I said “Yes.”
On the way to the restaurant, I did something from Japanese culture which hurt her and made her feel unloved. Her father had recognized the value of her God-given emotions, but he carefully taught her to think about her feelings. He insisted that she learn to think about what she felt before acting on an emotion.
She could have walked back to her car and left, but she thought, “This guy’s thinking of marrying me. He didn’t offer to buy me food to make me upset. But I am upset. Must have been an accident. I’ll ask him.”
When I told her why, she liked it. Women she tells say, “Why’d you marry him after that” but decide I was a man to keep when told why. She asked and I answered as the Bible commands (Mt. 18:15[288]). She thought, “This guy is strange, but if he’ll explain, I can help him” and she has. Many wives are afraid to ask because their husbands haven’t learned to explain their thoughts. Explaining is part of opening your heart.
I was attracted to her enough to think of marrying her. If she’d left, I’d have been badly hurt and we probably wouldn’t have married. Stopping, thinking about her feelings, and asking “why” got her a husband.
On Our 2nd Date, She Said She Wanted to be a Virgin on Her Wedding Night
My friends and the culture were very casual about sex, but I knew that God forbids sex outside marriage so I agreed. She had asked God to protect her; now the Holy Spirit led her to ask me to protect her.
Taking a woman without marriage damages her. The hormones of sex make her want to be his. This can be scary, and it’s worse if he hasn’t committed himself to her. She’ll think he’s a thief for taking her when he shouldn’t. If she let him have her without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else?
Having her wall off her feelings and him not trusting her is a bad start. Men are always interested so men must control their desires (1 Th. 4:3-6[289]). Women are seldom interested and don’t know how to handle such strong desires when they come. The man will say she wanted it at the time. So what? He’s the leader; the sin is on him as it was on Adam. He must confess to God, to her, and to her parents to start healing (1 Jn. 1:9[290]).
She Showed Respect for Me
From early in our courtship, she’d occasionally say “Yes, sir” when I spoke to her. Not every time, but as the spirit moved her. I liked that a lot, but we had no idea how important it was.
Women should show respect for husbands (I Pe. 3:6[291]) and reverence them (Eph. 5:33[292]). Respecting you is difficult if you don’t act respectable. Ladies should wait for a man they want to call “Sir.”
“Sir” meant she’d respect me in spite of mistakes. We’re told to confess faults to each other (Jas. 5:16[293]). Men really don’t like telling wives things that might cost them respect. Many ignore Pr. 31:11 which promises that a husband can trust his heart to his wife and won’t open their hearts. Calling me “Sir” helped me open my heart to her when God wanted me to belong to her; we’re glad that she could honor me in that way.
She Asked, Don’t Fuss at Me
Weeks later, she asked that I never fuss at her. “I want to love you very much,” she said. “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me. I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”
That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.” I didn’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say. We didn’t know it then, but God said the same thing:
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man whom she loves. We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other. She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why I like hanging around her.
She Belonged to God so She Could let God Give Her to Me
When we came together on our wedding night, she was terrified because her hormones gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me. Nobody had warned her of this, but she’d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; this feeing had to be from God. She clung to her faith that God was good and prayed, “Lord, You must want me to belong to him. That doesn’t make sense, but if that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.”
When she chose to let God give her to me, her happiness became my happiness. Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (19:13b[294], 21:9[295], 19[296], 25:24[297], 27:15[298]), but the opposite is also true. When she was happy, life was good. When she was happy with me, life was very good. When she was happy in being mine and wanted me to take her, I got the taste of the joys of Heaven that I’d expected when she told me God had made her to be His treasure. I liked this, so wanted to learn how to make her happy.
I’d heard men complain about women. Her friends told her, “He won’t like you once you’re married” and listed the same things about women that my classmates didn’t like. This disagreed with my theology. I was convinced that God was good and had told her “For God so loved me that He gave me you.” She’d told me she was a gift from God, and the Bible proved it (Pr. 18:22[299]). God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11[300], Jas. 1:17[301]). Therefore, men who dislike characteristics like emotion and talking which are common to women are wrong. God made women that way on purpose to bless men (Pr. 19:14b[302]).
She Chose to Serve God by Serving Me
24 hours after our wedding, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.” I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me talking was important to her, so we talked. “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said. I thought, “Neat! We agree!” but she wasn’t done. “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing it for God because He told me to. I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it. The next day, I told her, “I’m thinking about what you said. God wants me to lead you and take care of you. The Bible says that any man who desires to be first must be last of all and servant of all (Mk. 9:35[303], 10:42-45[304]). If I’m to lead you God’s way, I must lead by serving you. You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”
Salvation means dying to your former life to be married to Christ (Ro. 7:4[305]). You don’t deserve her submission, she doesn’t deserve your giving your life to nourish her; those are undeserved gifts of God’s grace. Married people die to their individual lives and serve God by serving each other, children, and church.
Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh (Mt. 19:5-6[306], Mk 10:8[307]). Each must die to themselves in favor of their new family in order to become one. You must give your wife the same love and grace God gave in saving you (1 Pe. 4:10[308]). As Christ chose to love you regardless of your failures and sins, you and your wife must choose to love and serve each other regardless of failure ‘til death do you part.
As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect (II Co. 5:14[309]) by the Grace of God. Watching your wife love you in spite of your sins increases your love for Christ and for her, and vice-versa. When lost people see you give God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves.
Salvation is about God giving – for God so loved that He gave. My wife so loved God that she let God give her to me. I so love God that I let God give me to her. Our love for each other comes from our love for God.
Before our wedding, I wrote, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you.” Could you live by that? Many wives don’t belong to their husbands, but it’s often because he won’t open his heart. Beg God to increase your trust in Christ and in your wife so you can be hers.
This means involving her in all decisions and including your children as they get old enough. They can’t follow you unless they know where you’re going and they can’t obey unless they understand.
Talking the Way a Wife Needs is Difficult for a Man
Men and women speak in such different ways that it’s difficult for them to understand each other. Wives, giving himself to you whenever you want to talk is as hard for a man as your giving yourself to him whenever he wants you. The Bible tells women to submit to their husbands. Doing that when you’d rather do something else is what submission is. God gives a very explicit command to husbands:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
Jn. 1:1[310] says that God is His Word. Ps. 138:2[311] says that God values His word above His Name. If a Christian doesn’t love the Word of God, does he love God? If a man doesn’t love his wife’s words, does he love her? Will she feel loved? This means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, feelings, and think about her when making decisions. If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband brings home chocolate, will she feel loved? The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation. There’s a reward – the better your wife knows you, the more easily she can please you.
This can be very hard. My wife’s sister’s husband died and she flew to the service celebrating his life. She told me about it on the phone and on the way back from the airport. She told a friend at church sitting close enough to me that I heard it all, then told me everything she’d told her friend. She went over this very emotional experience at least 20 times. She felt differently about it each time, but to me, she was talking about the same old thing, over and over. I had to care about it each time without being bored. That’s hard.
God is just. She thinks I want to do the same old thing over and over. It’s new and different to me each time, but to her, it’s the same. God expects us to value each other’s things (Phi. 2:4[312]), but it takes hours and days of back-and-forth, question-and-answer to know that they are.
My son’s wife asked about church policy. It took 45 minutes of question and answer for me to understand her question because she thought so differently from my wife. It took 15 minutes to explain my answer. After another 10 minutes, it turned out that my answer was wrong. We worked out the right answer together.
There is no way a man can spend that much time learning about more than one woman. God’s command for a husband to know his wife means that he can have only one.
A wife is What Her Husband Makes Her
You’ve read and heard preached that God expects a man to love his wife as Christ loves His church:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Ephesians 5:25-28
Jesus presents us to Himself a “glorious church” in verse 27. Every man wants to present to himself a “glorious wife,” and there’s a simple way to do it – convince her he’s convinced that she is a glorious wife.
A woman heard that Johnny Lingo had paid 8 cows for his wife[313] when the going price was 3 or 4. When she went to his house to ask why, she could see that his wife liked belonging to him. Johnny explained that every wife knew what her husband had paid. His wife wasn’t thought to be very attractive so he might have gotten her for 1 or 2, but he paid 8 cows “Because I wanted an 8-cow wife.”
Remember the 3 rules: God is good, only praise, and treat each other as perfect. Remember Johnny Lingo! A wife is what you make her. You make her a glorious wife by opening your heart to her so that she knows you’re convinced that she is a glorious wife.
Chapter 5 - Sound Bite Marriage
The Internet generation has limited attention span. Everything must be short:
· Accepting salvation is two words: “only believe (Ro. 10:9[314]).”
· Sexual morality, that is, when a man and woman may come together physically, is 50% more complicated than salvation, it’s 3 words, “Only in marriage (1 Cor. 7:1-2[315]).”
· Entering Holy Matrimony is three words, “vowing, paying, taking” (Gen. 24:67[316], Ru. 4:13a[317]).” These men made public marriage vows before taking the women. Isaac supplied the tent and Boaz had wealth.
· Staying married is two words, “only praise.” Nowhere in Scripture does a man criticize his wife. The Song shows a couple appreciating every little detail. We must rule our tongues (Pr. 25:28[318], Jas. 1:26[319]).
· Marriage is built on “seed and speech (1 Cor. 7:3-4[320], 1 Pe. 3:7[321]).” A husband plans to have his wife 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bed. God doesn’t often give him that much strength, but that’s his plan (Gen.29:21[322]). She wants him to open his heart to her at least that often. He puts himself into her body. She puts herself, that is, her words, her thoughts, her feelings, her nature, into his heart.
He leaves his seed in her body where it affects her mood and can give her a baby. She leaves her essence, her being, in his heart where it affects his thinking about her, how he treats her, and how they relate to others (1 Pe. 3:7[323]). People know whether a couple belongs to each other by watching them or hearing them.
She wants to hear him thanking God for creating marriage and for giving her to him. He should tell her she’s important to him and that he’s becoming more and more involved with her.
He wants her to say, “That was wonderful, I like belonging to you. Let’s do that again as soon as you can.” This encourages him to stay awake and talk to her for a while.
She wants him to say how much hearing her ideas and thoughts helps him make better decisions. She should point out that they could it more often if he was in better shape. Giving him a motive for exercise helps him live longer and shortens her time of being a widow.
A couple is “one flesh” as Adam and Eve were before God separated Eve from Adam’s body (Mk. 10:8[324]).
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. 1Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; Ephesians 4:32-5:1
Jesus expects us to follow after God. When God looks on your spouse, He sees the purity and perfection of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ whose blood washes away all sins (Ps. 103:12[325], I Cor. 6:11[326]). To follow God, you must look on your spouse and think of a reflection of the perfection and purity of Christ.
See your spouse as perfect (page 30), thank God for a perfect spouse, and speak of your spouse as perfect.
Comparing Marriage and Salvation
This section has many short comparisons between marriage and salvation. Gen. 1 tells us:
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Genesis 1:3
The Bible teaches that God created everything including you, your spouse, and me. There’s more:
And God said, Let there be a firmament[327]
… and it was so. Genesis 1:6
And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered … and it was so. Genesis 1:9
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass … and it was so. Genesis 1:11
And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven … and it
was so. Genesis 1:14
And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature … and it was so. Genesis 1:24
And God said, Let the waters bring forth … and God saw that
it was good. Genesis 1:20
We find “and God said, … and it was so,” over and over. The Bible teaches that if God said it’s so, it’s so. That is the foundation of Christianity – it’s built on the Word of God and believing that if God said it, it’s so.
Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth. John 17:17
God’s word is truth. God gave us His Word so that we’d know what He expects us to believe about Him and what we’re supposed to do. Some say, “the Bible is authoritative for faith and practice.” God tells us what to believe and He tells us what to do. Let’s consider what God says about what He’s done:
The works of the LORD are great, sought out of all them that have pleasure therein. 10The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever. Psalm 111:2, 10
God’s people should take pleasure in God’s works including the way He made men and women so that we can build God-fearing marriages and raise God-fearing children. Why did God ordain marriage?
And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand. 14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:13-15
We should enjoy marriage. We should enjoy watching what He does for us and we should enjoy learning as much as we can about how He does His works. Having a proper awe and respect for God is the beginning of wisdom. If we have good understanding, we’ll do what He commands, but it works the other way, too. If we do what God commands, we’ll get a good understanding when we look back and see how obeying His commands blessed us. Let’s look at how we’re told to approach God’s Word:
Whoso is wise, and will observe these things, even they shall understand the lovingkindness of the LORD. Psalm 107:43
God says that if you’re wise, if you’ll observe “these things,” then you’ll understand just how kind God is and how well He takes care of us. Psalm 107 says three times
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8, 15, 21
If you are wise, if you praise the Lord for His goodness, then you will understand His kindness to you.
God’s most wonderful work to the children of men, of course, is salvation. Salvation requires that we confess our sins, repent of our sins, ask Jesus to forgive our sins, and be born again. Being saved requires that we die to our former lives so that we can be married to Christ:
Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
In order to be born again into Christ, we must die to ourselves and be married to Christ. That is the first of God’s wonderful works. Marriage is another of God’s wonderful works. Jesus explained it:
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
Dying to our former lives of sin makes us one with Christ. As with salvation; we must die to ourselves in order to be “one flesh” in marriage. God knew we’d have trouble following His plan of salvation. We couldn’t handle two plans so He made the same plan work for marriage and for salvation.
When we find people whose lives are being destroyed by sin, we give the gospel so that they can be saved and show the grace of God in their new walk with Christ. When we find marriages being destroyed by sin, we’re supposed to “give an answer” so that these marriages can show the grace of God to the lost. There are many short ways to explain marriage so that you can help your friends build their marriages.
· Salvation and marriage are both undeserved gifts of God’s grace. Nobody deserves salvation; nobody deserves the blessings of marriage. A man is not worthy of his wife’s submission, obedience, or her calling him “Lord,” that’s an undeserved gift of God’s grace to him. A woman is not worthy of her husband’s giving his life to nourish and cherish her, that’s God’s undeserved gift to her.
· Salvation and marriage both show the grace of God to the lost. We’re required to “give an answer” (I Pe. 3:15[328]) when people ask why we live as we do. Our marriages are our greatest opportunity to show we’re different from the lost. When the lost see a wife giving her husband undeserved grace or a husband giving his wife undeserved grace, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves, and we get to tell them how to find it.
· When we give the gospel, we may hear, “God can’t save me, my sins are too great.” When we give the plan of marriage, we may hear, “God can’t save my marriage, it’s too far gone.” That’s pride – how can anyone think their sin or their marriage problems are greater than the God who created the universe?
· People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Salvation spend eternity in Hell. People who reject God’s Simple Plan of Marriage can create their very own Hell right here on earth. Marriage can either give a foretaste of the joys of Heaven or it can give a foretaste of the punishment of the damned in Hell.
· Once we’re saved, our love for Christ constrains us to serve Him (II Cor. 5:14[329], Eph. 2:10[330], Phi. 2:4[331]). Once we’re married, our love for each other should constrain us to serve each other. God wants us to serve our spouses; we serve God by serving each other.
· Salvation is based on a personal relationship with Christ Jesus. Marriage is based on a personal relationship between husband and wife. If your relationship with Christ is messed up, you can’t have a proper relationship with your spouse. If your relationship with Christ is based on true, saving faith, you can choose to base your relationship with your spouse on God’s formula.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
· John 3:16-17[332] gives all you must know to be saved. Genesis 24:67[333] gives all you must know for a successful marriage, but teaching helps. We labor to prepare children for good jobs but don’t teach Godly marriage. Not teaching marriage is like giving them a bicycle without any training and expecting them to ride out in traffic without getting hurt. As with salvation, “discipleship” is essential for successful marriage.
· We must keep our hearts perfect with the Lord our God as David did. David sinned, but he never worshiped any other god. Married people must keep their hearts perfect not only with God but also with each other. Couples must never worship any other god and never get involved with any other person.
· Salvation prepares us for the joys of living forever with Jesus and serving Him in Heaven. God planned marriage to give both husband and wife a foretaste of the joys of Heaven, right here on earth.
· Once saved, we become one with Christ. Once married, husband and wife should become one flesh (Mt. 19:5-6[334], Mk. 10:8[335]). We can’t be one in Christ without dying to our former life. Husband and wife can’t become one in each other without dying to their former individual selves in favor of serving the family.
· Saved people should glorify God in all that they do; glorifying God helps us become his ambassadors (II Cor. 5:20[336]). Married people should glorify God and glorify each other together in all that they do.
· Some people give money to the church to pay God for favors. A “cheerful giver” gives to God out of love and not to get from Him. The Song of Solomon shows a husband and wife giving to each other out of love and not in hope of getting from the other. Works-based salvation is idolatry; works-based marriage is whoredom. Works-based “salvation” takes you to Hell; works-based marriage makes life Hell on earth.
· Salvation supports marriage; knowing we belong to Christ (I Co. 6:19[337]) makes it easier to belong to a spouse. If a woman belongs to Christ, it’s easier to accept God giving her to her husband (Lk. 17:27[338]). If a man knows that Christ gave His life for him, it’s easier for him to give his life for his wife (Eph. 5:25[339]).
· Marriage supports salvation. As husband and wife appreciate and praise one another, and share God’s grace by forgiving each other, their marriage reminds them both to praise and appreciate God (Ps. 100).
· Rejoicing in the Lord reminds us to rejoice in marriage and vice versa (Phi 4:4[340]). Ecc. 9:9 says, “Rejoice with the wife whom thou lovest…” Joy in marriage must be shared.
· Salvation is two words, “only believe.” Satan confuses people into thinking it’s belief plus works or church so people miss salvation and go to Hell. Marriage is two words, “only praise,” but many people think they should change their spouses instead of letting the Holy Spirit bring change. When people usurp the Holy Spirit’s role in their marriage, they usually miss the joys of marriage and may create Hell on earth.
· Salvation doesn’t just take us to Heaven; we have work to do for Christ (2 Cor. 5:14[341]). “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them (Eph. 2:10).” Serving your family and church serves Christ in this life.
· Marriage doesn’t just give us companionship; we have duties to our spouses which God commands us to fulfill. Husbands must show agapao to wives (Eph. 5:25-26[342]), wives must reverence husbands (Eph. 5:33[343]). Agapao and reverence are not products of emotion; they are acts of will which we decide to do.
· When Jesus’ blood washes away our sins, God sees us as perfect (I Cor. 6:11[344]). Christians must follow after God (Eph. 5:1-2[345]) and see each other as perfect. Marriage prospers when a man appreciates and honors his wife as God’s good and perfect gift to him and she acts as God’s good and perfect gift to him.
· The only way a man can see his sinful wife as perfect is for him to see her through the grace God gave him in saving him. The only way a wife can see her sinful husband as perfect is for her to see him through the grace God gave her. When lost people see couples giving God’s grace to each other, they want God’s grace for themselves, and we tell them how to get it. That’s how our light shines before men (Mt. 5:16[346]).
· Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;” (Mt 11:29). A bride takes upon herself the yoke of pleasing her husband (Gen. 3:16[347]). The only way to rest (Ruth. 1:9a[348]) in being sure she’ll please him is to spend time talking to him and learning of him so she knows he’ll be pleased with what she does.
· Jesus said, “for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Mt. 11:29) A man must be meek towards his wife; must lead her by serving her (Mk. 10:42-45[349], see also Mk. 9:35[350]). He must talk to her a great deal in order to understand her needs well enough to lead her for her benefit.
· Jesus said, He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it (Mt. 10:39). When we accept salvation, we lose our former lives and gain a new life in Christ. When we marry, we lose our former individual selves and gain a new life as a one-flesh married couple.
· God’s salvation covenant is forever; once saved, always saved (John 10:28[351]). God’s marriage covenant ends only at death (Rom. 7:1-3[352], the book of Ruth).
If you’re saved and relate to God as He desires, your marriage relationship works because you’ll serve God by serving each other. The relationship between husband and wife is based on their relationships to God.
And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation; II Corinthians 5:18
Having been reconciled to God, we should be able to minister reconciliation to each other. If husband and wife each reconcile themselves to God and relate to God by honoring, praising, loving, and obeying Him, they’ll relate properly to each other by honoring, praising, loving and appreciating each other. Their marriage prospers, and they show the grace of salvation to the lost.
And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:15
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. II Corinthians 4:10
As lost people see Christians giving God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace for themselves. If either party messes up their relationship with God, on the other hand, their testimony is damaged and the marriage seldom works well even if they both have been taught how marriage should work.
This book explores what God says about marriage so that you can help heal the broken marriages you’ll encounter. God ordains marriage; a damaged marriage means that someone isn’t following God.
Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: Psalm 127:1
No matter how hopeless the situation seems, God promises a way out, but we have to ask:
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10:13
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
Chapter 6 - Logic and Emotion, Head Knowledge and Heart Knowledge
“Logic” as the word is used in America was written down by the Greeks ~ 300 BC. God helped Alexander the Great spread Greek ideas by conquering from Greece to India. Pilate wrote on Jesus’ cross in Hebrew, Latin, and Greek. The logical thought process built into the Greek language was well known. God inspired the New Testament to be written in Greek. I believe God spread Greek to help us learn to think logically about Him.
Head knowledge is facts we know (2 Tim. 3:7[353]); heart knowledge is what we feel or what we are (Pr. 23:7a[354]). “Emotion” describes feelings in our hearts. God wants us to love Him in our hearts, page 29. We can’t always explain emotions, but we should try to find logical reasons for our feelings before acting on them.
“Logic” works with facts. If a car has no gasoline, it’s a fact that it won’t go. No matter how you feel about it, no matter how angry you get, the car won’t go. The fact that a car needs gasoline shouldn’t make you angry, or sad, it’s just a fact you need to know to use a car. God expects us to rule our feelings:
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
When your car is out of gas, your mind should know that getting angry won’t help. We must rule our spirits so that we don’t lose our temper or say angry words. Christianity is based on logic:
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: Isaiah 1:18
Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
Even with Heaven and Hell in the balance, we persuade. God appeals to our minds and to our hearts. The Lord our God is a God of purpose and plan (Isaiah 14:26-27[355], 23:9[356], 46:10-11[357], Jer. 4:28[358], Ro. 8:28[359]), there is logic in all that He does. We’re told to labor and reason together with God to find out His rules.
For we are labourers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. I Corinthians 3:9
What an honor! When we meet together, we labor with God. “Husbandry[360]” is taking care of a farm. A church is God’s farm where God grows us and builds us. Right now, we’re growing and building marriages.
Obeying God Requires Logic
And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. Genesis 1:28
We need knowledge to build Godly marriages. We need logic to understand how God created the earth so we can care for the earth, and work with natural resources God has given us as God helped Bezaleel do:
And I have filled him [Bezaleel] with the spirit of God, in wisdom, and in understanding, and in knowledge, and in all manner of workmanship, 4To devise cunning works, to work in gold, and in silver, and in brass, 5And in cutting of stones, to set them, and in carving of timber, to work in all manner of workmanship. Exodus 31:3-5
Figuring out what to do needs: 1) the Holy Spirit, 2) wisdom, 3) understanding, 4) knowledge 5) practice.
Logic is How We Use Facts to reach Conclusions
Although the emotions and feelings God put into men and women to hold families together are very strong, the Bible says we should use wisdom, facts, and logic in guiding our relationships with other people:
Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee: 12To deliver thee from the way of the evil man, from the man that speaketh froward things; 13Who leave the paths of uprightness, to walk in the ways of darkness; 14Who rejoice to do evil, and delight in the frowardness of the wicked; 15Whose ways are crooked, and they froward in their paths: 16To deliver thee from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words; 17Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God. Proverbs 2:11-17
Logic, that is, collecting facts and drawing conclusions to deliver us from evil men and women is part of wisdom that starts with God. Wisdom starts in Bible reading, prayer, and studying the Works of God.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding. Proverbs 9:10
My wife and I had read the Bible from childhood. We were sure in our hearts that God is good. I knew that all the strange things God put in women were for my good! When she asked God if she should marry her boyfriend, He told her “No,” so she asked God to choose her husband – He knew men better than she did (Jer. 17:9-10[361]). God led her to tell me facts about herself that logically convinced me I could make her happy.
We Live on Facts and Emotions
Our marriage runs on a mixture of fact and emotion. My wife reasoned years ago that it would be simpler to care for me than to find another husband. She studied nutrition to help me stay healthy. That’s a logical reason to stay with her, but I’m also tied to her by strong emotions – my heart belongs to her.
Reasoning starts with facts and leads to conclusions as my wife reasoned that studying nutrition would keep me alive longer and shorten her time of widowhood. It’s a lot of work to study new foods and work them into new menus. For her to be able to help me in this important way, I had to listen to what she said about food. I had to appreciate her research, praise her efforts, and change my ways of eating. Men bond through shared experience. Cooperating in this effort increased the emotions that hold us together.
John 1:1[362] says that God is His Word. If a man doesn’t love God’s Word, does he love God? A woman is her words far more than a man. If a man doesn’t love his wife’s words, does he love her?
Mu wife expects to be a widow because most men die before their wives even though married men live longer than unmarried men. God’s mercy is one reason husbands die first – it really is not good for a man to be alone (Gen. 2:18[363]). My dad started to die when my mother died and he lost the axle on which the wheel of his life turned. The second reason is that women can comfort each other far better than men can comfort other men. Job’s friends may have helped when they just sat with him for a week without saying anything, but they certainly weren’t very comforting to Job when they started talking.
Although women can comfort a grieving man, doing that can take them where they shouldn’t go.
The Illogic of Marriage
Our marriage didn’t start with logic or reason. I was attracted to a woman in the pew in front of me. When she opened her book for the first hymn, I saw that her left hand was bare. She was unattached, so I looked harder. There was no logic at all. To this day, I can’t say why I was attracted, only that I was.
We talked after the service. When I told her about Japan, she could draw conclusions about Japan from what I said. When I had enough facts about her to decide that she was worth my time, I told her I was going to date her. I didn’t ask, I told her. The wheels turned in her eyes for 30 seconds, she gulped, and said, “OK.”
That’s Biblical. Did Adam ask Eve if she wanted to be called “woman,” or did he just name her? She could see that I was strongly attracted to her. God made women for men (1 Cor. 11:9[364]); she liked being wanted.
Before our first date, she said, “Before you spend money on me, you should know that I want a husband. I want to get married. I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the goal of being together is to decide whether you and I should get married. God made me to be a treasure for some man. If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy. I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.” The Bible warns:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
Putting marriage on the table helped keep her heart. When a woman falls in love with a man who isn’t ready to marry anyone, she’ll be hurt. Who mentioned marriage, Boaz or Ruth? Not Boaz. When Ruth gave him the idea (Ru. 3:9[365]), it was such a good idea he rushed out the next morning and married her. Why was he eager? Boaz had facts about her. He knew that a hard-working (Ru. 2:7[366]), God-fearing (Ru. 2:11-12[367]) woman who wasn’t dating around (Ru. 3:10) and wanted to marry him would make a good wife.
Every man knows in his heart that a woman can give him a taste of the joys of Heaven, that’s why men go after women. I was attracted to her, I liked talking to her, I respected her mind, and she told me her goal was to be God’s treasure for her husband! I knew the joy I’d get if she decided to be God’s treasure for me. If she decided that, I’d be a fool not to marry her, so I said, “Sure.” When I had enough facts to see that she wanted to be my treasure and that I could make her happy, I married her as fast as we could get a dress.
Fact-Based Marriage
Our first talk gave me facts to support the idea of marrying. She’d planned to marry her college boyfriend based on facts she saw. He attended church and led the youth group. She let herself fall in love with him.
Something drove her to ask God if she should marry him. God told her “No” and sent a friend of his family to tell her why she shouldn’t. It was hard, but she stopped being with him. She hadn’t kept her heart; she let her feelings grow strong without having enough facts to be sure she could rest in marriage to him (Ru. 1:9a[368]).
When she thought about it later, she realized that she had never had rest while dating him. Some weekends were wonderful; other weekends he’d criticize her for things that weren’t her fault. She’d always been a confident, happy person, but he made her nervous enough that her parents worried.
Having been hurt, she told God, “You didn’t like the man I chose, You find me a husband or make me content to be single.” A woman should never let herself fall in love with a man until after he marries her. She should decide to marry based on facts about him and on how he treats her. She’ll fall in love later.
God let her know that her husband would have something to do with Japan so she asked about being a missionary. The mission board told her that sending single women to Japan didn’t work because of the culture. She had taken action based on the partial knowledge God gave her when she prayed.
As she thought about what to say when I told her I was going to date her, she felt God say, “Are you going to choose or am I?” It was a fact that I met the description God had given in answer to her prayer. It took her 30 seconds to decide because I was not at all what she would have chosen. She heard God asking, “Are you going to accept My choice, or are you going to go your own say?” She gulped, and said “OK.”
She Asked me “Why?”
On the way to the restaurant for our first date, I did something from Japanese culture that confused her and made her feel unloved and not cared about. Her father had recognized the value of her God-given emotions, but he carefully taught her to think about her feelings. He insisted that she think about what she felt before acting on any feeling or emotion.
She could have walked back to her car and left, but she thought, “This guy’s thinking of marrying me. He didn’t offer to buy me food to make me upset. But I am upset. Might have been an accident. I’ll ask him.”
When I told her why, she liked it. Women she tells say, “Why’d you marry him after that” but decide I was a man to keep when told why. She asked and I answered as the Bible commands (Mt. 18:15[369]). She thought, “This guy is strange, but if he’ll explain, I can help him” and she has helped me. Many wives are afraid to ask because their husbands haven’t learned to explain their thoughts. Explaining is part of opening your heart.
I was attracted to her enough to think of marrying. If she’d left, I’d have been badly hurt and we’d have been unlikely to marry. Stopping, thinking about her feelings, and asking “Why?” got her a husband.
How Would I Rule Her?
She saw I could rule when I said we’d date, but she needed to know how I’d rule. We were at my apartment with my roommate. She did something I told her not to. She said, “You can’t stop me.” She touched the tip of her little finger with her thumb. “I’ve got you right here!” I carried her to the shower, and let her know she was asking for a soaking. “I don’t have any other clothes.” It was summer; she’d dry in a few hours.
She said, “I’ll behave,” and I let her out of the shower. I didn’t yell; I didn’t hit her. She knew I’d rule gently so it would be safe to promise to obey me. She decided to follow me and started saying “Yes, sir” as the spirit moved her. Resting in me changed her body language so much that at our first visit to her parents the next week, her mother thought, “She’s calm. She feels safe with him. They’ll be married soon.”
This was a great relief to her parents because she had not felt calm or safe with her earlier boyfriend. Some weekends were wonderful but at other times, he was very critical. She never knew how he would treat her. Her parents were in the unenviable place of watching their daughter heading for disaster, but what could they do about it given that she’d let herself fall in love with a no-goodnik?
Older women are commanded to teach younger women about men (Titus 2:3-5[370]) because they don’t know! The book of Ruth shows how Ruth relied on Naomi to help her get married to Boaz even though Ruth had been married before and had a fair idea what men were all about. My wife’s parents hadn’t instructed her very much so she relied on God to find her a husband who would love her enough to give her rest.
A man must give his wife rest, ease, and calm in belonging to him. When Naomi told Ruth and Orpah to go back to their parents to find husbands, she prayed, “The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband (Ru. 1:9a).” Naomi wanted food, clothing, and shelter for them, but she also wanted them to be sure their husbands valued and appreciated them enough to like caring for them.
I Gave her Facts On Purpose
By the time I found her, I knew that engineers’ marriages often fell apart and that my Japanese background wouldn’t help. I took her to an office party to show that my colleagues weren’t happy with me. We watched Japanese films that showed many parts of Japanese culture. I didn’t know she’d had a lifetime of technical table talk because her dad was an engineer and I didn’t know that her family had hosted many missionaries as she grew up. I was glad to see that she was OK with my technical thinking and with Japanese culture.
My trying to be open showed that I’d open my heart to her, but the Holy Spirit had her put talk into our wedding vows. Just before our wedding, she told me she was really looking forward to marriage. “I like talking to you. Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.” I was put off by that much talk, that was more talk than I could imagine, she was asking for hours of 2-way conversation per day! God’s timing is perfect. By then I very much wanted to marry her and went ahead (1 Cor. 7:9[371]).
Shortly before the wedding, my future mother-in-law told me, “There’s just so much to do! We may not be able to get the wedding done in time.” I told her she could postpone the wedding all she wanted, but I had NO intention of postponing the honeymoon. She gulped, said, “We’ll get it done,” and she did.
I decided to spend my life taking care of her even though she expected too much talk because I had faith that God is good. I knew that a wife is a gift from God (Pr. 18:22[372]). I knew that God gives good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11[373], Jas. 1:17[374]). I knew she would be good and perfect gift for me if she decided to let God give her to me. She’d asked God to work on her heart to make her the wife and mother He wanted her to be.
Belonging to me after we married was the most frightening experience of her life, but she trusted God and decided to be mine. It helped that I’d written, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman. For God so loved me that He gave me you.” She’d said God made her to be a treasure. If I treated her as a treasure, it would work. Having been taught to think about her feelings by her father and learning how painful it was to let her feelings grow strong without getting facts first, she used facts and logic before emotion in marrying me.
Solomon wrote in Ecc. 2 that everything he did was vanity and chasing after wind. This was because he did it for himself. My work is not vain because I do it to support my wife, family, and church. Women drive civilization by giving men a reason to improve the house, invent electricity, and other touches that make life more comfortable and make women happier and keep them in the mood. Many American women have decided to let men have them without insisting on marriage. If men can get what they want for free, with no responsibilities, they have no incentive to work hard, and civilization collapses. In “Sex and Culture” Dr. Unwin wrote in 1914, “The sexual behavior of women before marriage is the decisive factor in cultural success. Men are mainly motivated by sex. If they can get it without marriage, they contribute less to society.” [375] He’s right about that - Jacob worked 7 years to marry Rachel because he wanted her.
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Logic – Finding Facts and Drawing Conclusions
Aristotle explained logic ~ 300 BC, about the time Euclid defined “Euclidian geometry.” When Rome conquered Greece 100 years later, they learned Logic and Geometry which helped them build ~ 250,000 miles of roads, some of which are used today. The Apostles couldn’t have spread the Gospel as fast as they did without Roman roads. Did God help the Romans build roads to prepare the Roman Empire to serve Him?
When Rome fell around 480 AD, logic and geometry were lost. They had to be re-learned to start the Industrial Revolution in the 1600s, ~ 450 years ago. We can’t have automobiles, electricity, water systems, paved roads, computers, or the Internet without using logic throughout society. How many well-trained, logical people are needed to maintain the Internet? To climb poles to fix electric wires to keep the lights on?
Logic is so important to our society that there’s a free online course[376] which explains how to use logic with facts to reach conclusions. There are logic exercises in this online folder[377] which can be printed and shared.
Christianity is a Logical Faith
Scripture can help you decide if something you plan to do is within the will of God page 67. Whether your decisions come from logic or emotion, these questions help you measure your plan against scripture. This takes Bible reading and practice. Logic training also helps you manage the technology of our civilization.
Cling to these facts:
God is good. Things about your spouse that irritate you are of God to bless you. Ask God for wisdom to see how your spouse blesses you. Use logic to control your emotions. When you’re tempted to be upset, ask the other person why they did what they did (Mt. 18:15[378]). What was the goal? What were they trying to do? What did you know that you should you have explained or taught before the mistake happened?
God tells us how to be at peace with each other in families and churches on page 95.
Learning about God’s logic works on our hearts so that we love Him and want Him to be pleased with us. That’s how God expects spouses to relate. We love and serve them so that we’re pleased to be together.
Logic and emotion are in conflict. Love is not logical because loving means you can be hurt. Love is a choice we make my letting our minds rule our spirits. We must choose to love in faith that love will bless us. If we’re too logical, it’s hard to love others with all our hearts as God expects, page 29.
Hebrews 11:6, “without faith it is impossible to please Him.” A logical conclusion from facts needs no faith. There can’t be logical proof that God exists because faith would not be needed. If people get too involved in logic, it’s hard to accept God’s ways because faith doesn’t seem logical, but imagining that the universe came about through random chance takes even more faith. Scripture tells us what faith is:
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1
Faith is based on what we can’t see, it’s not fact until we look back and see what God did in caring for us.
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Psalm 126:5 That happened when Ruth’s husband died.
Women aren’t strong enough to farm without machinery. The only way Ruth could eat was by having a husband feed her. It took great faith for Ruth to leave Moab for Israel when she’d been told she wouldn’t find a husband. They arrived at the beginning of the harvest, Ruth went out to glean, that is, pick up grain that had been dropped. Ruth 2:3 tells us “her hap was to light on a part of the field belonging unto Boaz.”
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 Something that seems bad can be a real test of faith.
By “hap,” scripture tells us that there was no logical reason Ruth could see to choose Boaz’s field. Boaz offered her food and water when he found out who she was. When Ruth asked why, Boaz told her that he knew she’d left home and came to Israel looking for God. What a testimony in the town! He said:
The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:12
Boaz saw that Ruth’s faith in God was strong enough to overcome fear of rejection or starvation. When Naomi told Ruth who Boaz was, Ruth could see that God had guided her. That made her faith factual. We follow God in faith that obeying Him will work out, then we look back and see how He made it happen.
Dating me was scary, but my wife could see that what God told her had prepared her to belong to me.
Logic Can Take you Where you Shouldn’t Go
America was founded on religious freedom. After a 10-week voyage, 102 people landed in Plymouth, Massachusetts, in November of 1620. Only 53 survived their first winter. “The cowards never started, and the weak died along the way.” Scripture tells us how to prosper economically:
And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you; 12That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without, and that ye may have lack of nothing. I Thessalonians 4:11-12
that with quietness they work, and eat their own bread. II Thessalonians 3:12b
Hard work, freedom to try new ideas that comes with religious freedom, and scientific logic made America very wealthy. Many Americans have come to love money for its own sake:
For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. I Timothy 6:10
Millions of people risk their lives and spend a lot of money to come to America illegally to share American wealth. Logic and wealth lead women to stop having children. Wealth means women can get jobs and earn their own food without depending on husbands or on God. Women in Japan, Korea, China, Russia, and most of Europe are having so few babies that populations are dropping and their societies are doomed.
The wealth logic brings destroys traditional culture. European nations were constantly at war after Rome fell. Technology started improving in the 1300s with better guns and cannon. Better warships led Europeans to control the seas over the next 5 centuries. When the British went to war in 1839 to force the Chinese government to let them sell opium, some Chinese wanted to absorb Western ways of thinking to fight them:
Since we were knocked out by cannonballs, naturally we became interested in them thinking that by learning to make them we could strike back. … But history seems to move in very curious ways. From studying cannon balls we came to mechanical inventions, which in turn led us to political reforms; from political reforms we begin to see political theories, which led us again to the philosophies of the West. … Through mechanical invention we saw science from which we came to understand scientific method and the scientific mind.[379] [emphasis added]
The modernists lost the battle; Chinese conservatives blocked their ideas. With no ability to defeat European weapons, China fell under European rule but kept their culture. The conservatives were right; studying science instead of focusing on culture is ending their culture as modern Chinese chase wealth.
Traditional Chinese culture focused on God – Confucius spoke of the “mandate of heaven” which meant that society would fall apart if the Emperor stopped following God’s laws. Confucians, Daoists, Buddhists, and Christians all taught that God’s rules also applied to rulers. Tyrants dislike the idea that they must follow the laws of God. The atheistic Chinese Communist Party has cut Chinese people off from their 5,000 year history by “simplifying” Chinese characters. Today’s college graduates can’t read traditional Chinese thought.
The Japanese Learned from China
The Japanese borrowed ideas from China for thousands of years. They learned Western logic and defeated the Russian navy in 1905, the first Asian power beat a European power in battle. They didn’t lose their culture because they were accustomed to absorbing foreign ideas. It’s possible to adopt logic without losing culture, but both Japanese and Chinese cultures are doomed now because logical women don’t want children.
The more complex a society becomes, the more logic we need to keep it. Faith is not logical until we look back to see what God did. Studying logic leaves less time for Bible study. The more logical we become, the less faith we think we need. Logic brings wealth throughout society. Jesus warned of the danger of wealth:
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. Mark 10:25
All gifts God gives can be used for good or for evil. A man’s strength can nourish his wife or oppress her. Her emotions can build up her house or drive her family apart. Logic can lead to Christ and help us care for the earth God gave us, or it can lead to so much wealth that people stop following the Bible.
Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. II Timothy 3:7
Many countries in Africa, Central America, and Asia are poor due to bad government. It may seem logical for Christians in those countries to try to move to America for a better life, but it’s hard to maintain a Christian walk in America as it becomes more and more secular with more and more temptations.
Parents may follow the old paths, but children raised in American culture tend to walk away from God and from church. Women get jobs instead of caring for their homes and men rely on women to support them.
For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? Matthew 16:26
Christianity is lived forward, but it’s understood backward as we look back to see how God was leading us where He wanted us to go. Logic is useful, but God expects us to live by faith (Hab. 2:4[380], Rom. 1:17[381], Gal. 3:11[382], Heb. 10:23[383], 10:38[384], 11:6[385])!
Chapter 7 - What Fathers Should Teach Their Daughters
Salvation takes your daughter to Heaven, but how she relates to a man has a huge effect on how this life turns out for her. While bringing her up “in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4[386]), you must teach her to honor and respect your wife (Pr. 31:28-29[387]). Seeing you nourish, cherish, appreciate, and honor her mother prepares your daughter to expect respect from any man who pursues her.
One of the best ways to prepare your daughter to be a good wife is to talk to her. Men and women have very different ways of talking. To oversimplify, men talk to report, that is, to tell what happened, women talk to build rapport, that is, to establish emotional connections and tell how they felt about it. Your daughter will expect her husband to open his heart to her. This scares men, and if she hasn’t learned to handle a man’s “report talk,” she’ll want to put emotion into all her talk which will make talking to her more difficult for him.
You’ll have to be careful not to make your wife jealous of your daughter especially if your daughter grows up to be a younger version of her mother. Your wife can become jealous of her own daughter if you aren’t careful to reassure your wife of your focus on her.
Teach your daughter that the emotions God put into her (Pr. 9:4b[388]) provide cement by which a wise woman builds her house (Pr. 14:1[389]), but also that she must always rule her emotions so that she doesn’t hurt her family (Pr. 25:28[390]). Teach her to explain her emotions so she knows why she feels a certain way. Learning to put words to her feelings helps her explain herself and her needs to her husband. This makes it easier for him to follow God’s command to dwell with her according to knowledge of her (1 Pe. 3:7[391]).
Older women know a man’s nature and can discuss the desires God put into most men, but women can’t understand any more than a man can understand a woman’s attitude toward babies. Fathers make mistakes - page 63 explains how Jacob didn’t keep Dinah away from the “daughters of the land” and David sent Tamar to comfort Amnon when he pretended to be ill, but fathers have a better understanding of a man’s goal in approaching his daughter than her mother will and can warn more strongly and in more detail.
Part of the strength of her desire for attention from a man is one of God’s punishments of Eve:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
Genesis’ “lightly have lien” explains the natural man’s attitude toward forced sex[392]. Fathers must teach daughters to demand that a man follow Scripture in interacting with her:
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
Men and women must treat each other as people; they shouldn’t interact as man and woman. If a man compliments a woman’s looks or tells her he loves her, for example, he may be trying to guide their talk in an impure direction because he wants her to open her body to him.
If he does that before he and she are in a position where they could marry, she must quote that verse and say something like, “Scripture teaches that you should talk to me as a sister in all purity. We can work together as people, but not as man and woman. We aren’t in a position to marry. You’re an attractive guy; I could easily fall in love with you. If I fall in love at a time we can’t marry, I’ll be in a world of hurt. Let’s keep man and woman out of it and just be people.”
She should also avoid getting physical:
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
Older women may say not to kiss “because it’ll give him ideas.” That’s wrong. Men don’t get ideas, men have ideas. Kissing can give her ideas. When they both have the same idea, it’s very hard to stop.
Draw a Line in the Sand
The price of a virtuous woman is beyond rubies. My wife set her price high by insisting that I agree that being together was to decide whether we would marry; my life for her life. She said God made her to be a treasure for her husband. If I wouldn’t seriously consider marriage, she didn’t want to waste time with me.
On our second date, she told me she wanted to be pure on our wedding night. The Holy Spirit led her to say that, it just popped out. We had no idea how important that was until our emotions tempted us so that we nearly lost it. Very few couples can avoid temptation when the woman’s desires are aroused[393].
We know many girls who went to college, met a man freshman year, and controlled their emotions until junior year. And we expect them to stay pure 2 more years until graduation? Who’s kidding whom?
A girl we knew found her husband in college. Her father watched them the summer before her senior year and wouldn’t send her back to college. She was furious; she wanted another year of courting.
I told her that her father was right. He had a reason which she couldn’t yet understand, and that when she understood, she’d thank him for standing against her, her sister, her mother, and other women in the church.
At a church dinner 3 years later, I went to her table as she was changing a diaper. “Now that you’re married, do you understand why your dad kept you home?” She grudgingly agreed. “Have you thanked him?” She promised that she would. “Now listen,” I said, “you’ll be the older woman who must teach your daughter when she goes to college 18 years from now. Will you do that?” She promised she would.
Her daughter married right out of college and had a baby 4 months later. This was her husband’s failure - women aren’t equipped to be forceful enough with this particular lesson - it’s the father who protects.
The Man Must Grow Up Before Marrying
A century ago, a man could learn to support a wife by age 15 or 16. It takes longer to learn to support a wife today. If he can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her; getting involved too young never ends well[394]!
The woman must say, “Not unless we’re married, and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.” Any boy can play with her; it takes a man to stay with her. Toy or treasure, play or stay is the big question.
What if she likes the guy and wants to get to know him?
There‘s a difference between “dating” and “going steady.” If a couple sees each other constantly, staying out of trouble for even 2 years of college is difficult. If there’s a firm rule not to date the same person twice in a row, getting to know several people at the same time makes it far easier to guard her heart:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
As they proceed toward marriage, she must make sure he trusts her enough to open his heart to her[395].
Women often open their hearts to each other; she’ll have no idea how hard it is for a man. This may seem too simple a woman, but having words to describe it may help your daughter explain her needs[396].
Marriages run on communication. A wife wants to communicate heart-to-heart, her husband wants to communicate belly-to-belly. A wife needs to be able to rest in belonging to her husband[397].
She needs to listen to her own heart. Is she calm and relaxed around him? God expects her to follow her husband. Can she trust him to rule her gently? Will he lead her in a direction God wants her to go or will he lead her off a cliff? Women have to find out how he will lead; page 56 shows how my wife tested me to see that I’d rule her gently enough that it would be safe for her to take on the yoke of following me.
Your daughter must understand her own needs well enough to explain them so that a man can be confident of making her happy. That makes it easier for him to open his heart to her, and there’s no way for her to be happy unless her husband learns to like doing that.
Fathers Who Failed Their Daughters
God created families as a safe place for children to grow up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4[398], Ps 68:6[399]). God’s plan to get servants is for the servants He has to bear children who grow up to serve Him (Mal. 2:15[400]).
David offered a promotion to whoever took Jerusalem (II Sam 5:8[401]). He had no eligible daughters to offer at that time (II Sam 3:2[402], 5:14[403]).
These examples are for our learning (Ro. 15:4[404]):
David Failed Tamar – (II Samuel 13)
· Amnon wanted to have her and tricked David into sending her to him to fix him a meal.
· He sent everyone away, raped her, hated her, and threw her out of his house.
· David couldn’t see Amnon’s heart; he didn’t know to tell Tamar to take chaperones with her.
· Tamar thought she was getting married. Amnon liked her and had been to see her father about her.
· After the rape, David didn’t tell Amnon that the law required him to marry her (Deu. 22:28-29[405]).
· Absalom, Tamar’s brother, was right to be concerned about the matter (Gen. 34:31[406]) but murdering Amnon wasn’t the right approach.
· He should have approached David and urged him to force Amnon to obey the law and marry her.
Jacob Failed Dinah – Genesis 34
· He did not warn her not to go out to visit the “daughters of the land” (Gen. 34:1). Lock her up?
· He took no action after the rape (Gen. 34:5).
· Shechem loved Dinah enough to be circumcised so that he could marry her (Gen. 34:19).
· Her brothers murdered all the men involved.
Lot Failed all 4 of his Daughters – (Gen. 19)
· He put them in bad environment and gave them a taste of the bright lights of the city.
· He did not teach them about God.
· He didn’t leave Sodom even after he was taken captive (Gen. 14:12[407]).
· They had lost husbands; he seemed as “one who mocked (Gen. 19:14)” when he told them to leave.
· He probably had an unsaved wife? Always bad for all children to do that, his sons all died.
· 2 stayed behind and were killed, his wife looked back and died.
· The other two daughters, virgins, had not been trained to trust the Lord to find them husbands.
· They didn’t know to trust the Lord to give them husbands so they got him drunk and went in to their father in order to become pregnant( Gen. 19:31-38).
· They gave birth to Moabites and Ammonites who became wicked.
Amram Failed Miriam – Numbers 12:1-15
· Miriam was not taught to submit to whatever leadership God placed over her.
· Miriam and Aaron rebelled against Moses’ leadership (Num. 12:2[408]).
· God punished Miriam by giving her leprosy (Num. 12:10[409]).
· The fact that Miriam was punished and Aaron was not suggests that Miriam led the rebellion and persuaded Aaron to go along.
Jephthah Failed his Daughter – (Judges 11:29-40)
· We don’t know her name, she is referred to as “daughter of Jephthah,”
· He made an unwise vow and had to sacrifice her (Ecc. 5:5[410]).
Laban Failed Leah – (Genesis 29:26-28)
· He found her a husband by sneaking her into Jacob’s tent dressed as her sister.
· Her husband did not want her, partly because he had been tricked.
· For many years, she had to live with a husband who resented being married to her.
· He appreciated her later in life (Gen. 35:19[411] and 49:31[412]).
· Should Jacob have been content with what God let happen to him (Gen. 28:20-22[413])?
Eli Failed his Daughter in Law – (I Sam 4:19-22)
· He did not train up his sons to follow the Lord (I Sam 2:22-25).
· When her husband was killed, the stress brought on premature labor and his daughter-in-law died.
· Samuel did no better – his sons did not walk in his ways (1 Sam. 8:5[414]).
Saul Failed Michal – (I Sam 18:17-29)
· Saul offered her to David if he killed 100 Philistines (I Sam. 18:25[415]).
· He wanted the Philistines to kill David; he was not really looking out for his daughter.
· David wanted the status of being the king’s son in law (I Sam. 18:26[416]).
· Michal loved David (I Sam. 18:20[417]). Did David love her or was he just using her?
· She saved David’s life and lied about it when her father wanted to kill him (I Sam. 19:11-17).
· Saul gave her to someone else when David fled (I Sam. 25:44[418]); that man loved her (II Sam. 3:16[419]).
· David demanded her back years later (II Sam 3:13[420]); she left her husband and 5 sons (II Sam 21:8[421]). Instead of being “but one,” she was now one among many other wives who had borne him children, which she had not.
· She ended up despising David (I Chr. 15:29[422]) and died childless (II Sam. 6:23[423]).
Abishag’s Father Failed her – (I Kings 1:1-4)
· He let King David have her even though David was too old to give her children (I Kings 1:4[424]).
· She became a political pawn (I Kings 2:13-25).
· We don’t know if her father really had much choice (I Sam. 8:13[425]).
Judah Failed Tamar – (Gen. 38:6-30)
· The law (Deu. 25:5[426]) required that Judah give widowed Tamar to his son Onan and then to Shelah.
· After Onan died, Judah decided not to give her to his 3rd son.
· Tamar did not want to die childless. She had her father-in-law get her pregnant by acting like a harlot.
Abigail’s Father Failed Abigail
He married her to Nabal, who was a bad guy (I Sam 25:3[427]).
Delilah’s Father let her become Samson’s Concubine – (Jud. 16:4-20)
· The relationship did not work out well for her – she was his but he was not hers (Judges 16:15a[428]).
· He took her so she was his, but he didn’t open his heart to her so he was not hers. She didn’t like that.
· What she did was not nice, but he betrayed her first.
Caleb and Achsah – Joshua 15:16-19, Judges 1:12-13[429], it’s in the Bible TWICE
Daughters were given for political purposes (Gen. 41:45[430], 1 Sam. 17:25[431], 1 Ki. 11:19[432], 2 Chr. 8:11[433]). Caleb promised Achsah’s hand in marriage to whoever took Kirjathsepher. His nephew Othniel took the city and won her to be his wife (Joshua 15:16-19). Was this good for Achsah?
· Othniel was a leader; he didn’t take the city by himself, so her father found her a husband of rank (Judges 3:9[434]) who later became a judge.
· He survived battle; he was a good fighter or blessed of God, either way, he’s good husband material.
· They were cousins, he must have known her. He wanted her badly enough to do battle to win her (Gen. 29:21[435]). Having a husband who wants her is good for a woman (Gen. 2:23[436], I Cor. 7:7[437])
· Her father gave her land, he gave her springs when she asked (Jos. 15:19[438]). In dry country, springs are very valuable, her father provided for her as well as he could.
The Modern Dilemma
There are only two ways a father can protect his daughter –cooperation or incarceration. Juliet’s father tried to keep her away from Romeo, whose family was hostile to her family, and told the nurse to keep her in the house. Juliet fooled the nurse and got together with Romeo. It didn’t end well - they both died.
Chapter 8 - Is What I Want To Do The Will Of God?
Management experts talk about “decision quality.” The idea is that the more facts you have, the more likely the decision will be right. That sounds wonderful, but doesn’t work for the really important decisions.
Coca-Cola introduced New Coke after giving samples to many people, spending a lot of money on studies, and the product failed utterly. All their facts didn't help them see that Coke fans didn’t want change no matter what people thought of the new flavor. When they asked if people liked the new flavor, they forgot to ask would it be OK to replace Old Coke with New Coke. The answer to that question was “No!”
They had many facts, but it wasn’t a factual issue; customers had an emotional attachment to Old Coke.
Many decisions don’t tie to facts. Whom should we marry? How should we raise children? Would it be okay for this child to visit that friend? Which TV programs should we watch, if any? Which books should be in our home? Should our kids have Facebook or email? Does this child need discipline, an explanation, or both? We can share ideas with other parents and church members, but high-value decisions are made without facts because we can’t know how such decisions will turn out. We need what the Bible calls “wisdom.”
Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. Proverbs 4:7
What’s the difference between a fact and wisdom? Here’s a fact:
Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. I John 2:15
It is a fact that loving the world means you can’t love God. Applying this fact requires wisdom:
I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators: Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world. I Corinthians 5:9-10
We are in this world; we use many things the world offers. We buy cars, food, books, clothes, and much more. We must apply wisdom when we decide what to use and what to avoid. How do we get wisdom?
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
Asking God means praying about the decision, reading the Bible, and being ready to obey when God answers. My wife expected to marry her college boyfriend. She was surprised when she asked God if she should marry him and God said, “No.” It was hard, but she obeyed God and stopped being with him.
Christians study the Bible to learn the mind of God and to give the Holy Spirit something to work with. There are many ways to study the Bible and many study guides with different approaches. When you’re trying to make a decision, you want to be sure to follow God’s guidance:
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Here’s a way to apply the Bible to decisions to help you stay in the will of God. Ask yourself these questions about an action you’re about to take:
1. Is it right in the eyes of God? Is it something God tells me to seek, believe, do, or not do? 1 John 5:17 All unrighteousness is sin: and there is a sin not unto death. Ps. 119:11 Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee. We must study God’s word enough to hide it in our hearts to avoid sin. Fortunately, God grades on the curve: Luke 12:47-48a And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. It would be best to follow God’s will enough to hear, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant…”
2. Will doing this bring me near or into temptation? Rom. 13:14 But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof. Mt. 6:13a And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. God promises to supply all our needs, but we can easily confuse wants and needs. Apple has introduced a $1,000 smart phone. Does anyone really need it? Or is Apple tempting us to brag about their wealth by flashing this shiny new thing?
3. Would this give room for the devil to work against me? Eph. 4:27 Neither give place to the devil. Will doing this give others a reason to doubt my testimony? Will it be an excuse for them to ignore what I say about the Bible or about the promises of God? Most lost people know what God expects of Christians.
4. Is there any principle in scripture against it? Isa. 8:20 To the law and to the testimony: if they speak not according to this word, it is because there is no light in them. It can be hard to verify articles which claim to reveal facts about human nature, for example, but the Bible says a lot about the sins of the flesh. If research is supported by scripture, it may be worth considering, but if research conflicts with scripture, forget it!
5. Am I trusting God or depending in my own strength? Prov. 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Pr. 14:12 There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.
6. Am I confident that God would have me to do this, or is it doubtful? Rom. 14:23 And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin. Rom. 14:5b Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.
7. Will my doing this cause someone to stumble? Rom. 14:21 It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.
8. Would this action appear evil to anyone or will it make others glorify God? 1 Thess. 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil. Romans 12:17b Provide things honest in the sight of all men. Mt. 5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
9. Would the Lord Jesus Christ do this? 1 Pet. 2:21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Rom. 8:29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. Eph. 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Is this a “good work?”
10. Will my doing this please God? John 8:29 And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him.
11. Am I trying to impress others with my spirituality? Pro. 16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.
But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, 2And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. 3But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? 4Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. 5And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things. 6And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him. 7And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. 8And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. 9Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. 10Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. 11And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things. Acts 5:1-11
12. Do I hope somebody notices me? Gal. 5:26 Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another. John 12:43 For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.
13. Does my doing this edify? 1 Cor. 14:26 How is it then, brethren? when ye come together, every one of you hath a psalm, bath a doctrine, hath a tongue, hath a revelation, hath an interpretation. Let all things be done unto edifying. Heb. 10:24 And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:
14. Am I being selfish? Phil. 2:3-4 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. 4Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
15. Am I denying the flesh or feeding the flesh? Luke 14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 9:23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
16. Am I putting Christ first? Col. 1:18 And he is the head of the body, the church: who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead; that in all things he might have the preeminence. Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
17. Is it expedient, that is, a right thing to do that will edify? 1 Cor. 10:23 All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.
18. Will it bring glory to God? 1 Cor. 10:31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. Mt. 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
19. Am I deceiving myself or being deceived? 1 Cor. 3:18 Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.
20. Do I know better? 1 Cor. 8:10 For if any man see thee which hast knowledge sit at meat in the idol's temple, shall not the conscience of him which is weak be emboldened to eat those things which are offered to idols. James 4:17 Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.
21. Am I searching for an excuse to justify what I want to do? Luke 16:15 And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God.
22. Do I have to hide it from anyone? Do I feel like sneaking around? 2 Cor. 4:2 But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully; but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.
23. Did I handle the word of God deceitfully? 2 Cor. 4:2 But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully; but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God
24 Will this in any way defile God's body? 1 Cor. 3:17 If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy: for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are. 1Cor. 6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
25. Can I sincerely thank God for it? 1 Thess. 5:l In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
26. Can I do this in Jesus' name? Col. 3:17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.
27. Can I go all the way with it? Col. 3:23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Eccl. 9:10 Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest. Luke 9:62 And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
28. Have I prayed openly, fervently, and honestly about it? Ps. 66:18 If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me: Phil. 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
29. Will it increase or hinder my prayer life? 1 Pet. 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
30. Am I breaking one commandment in order to keep another? Jer. 48:10 Cursed be he that doeth 'the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood.
31. What does my pastor think about it? Hebr. 13:7 Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation. Heb. 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief for that is unprofitable for you.
32. What does my spouse think? Mark 10:8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Acts 5:1-11 tells how Ananias had an idea, he discussed it with his wife, and she agreed to lie. She should have warned her husband that this wasn’t a good idea. We know she knew better - she was “beaten with many stripes” for following her husband where she shouldn’t have gone (Luke 12:47-48a[439]).
33. What do my church brethren think about it? Prov. 11:14 Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety. Prov. 15:22 Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established.
34. Would I like to be found doing this when Jesus Christ returns? 1 John 2:28 And now, little children, abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming. 1 John 3:1 Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not.
35. How will it appear at the Judgment Seat of Christ? Will it abide or will it burn? Rom. 14:10-12 But why dost thou judge thy brother? Or why dost thou set at naught thy brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.
For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12Now if any man build upon this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble; 13Every man's work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is. 14If any man's work abide which he hath built thereupon, he shall receive a reward. 15If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire. I Corinthians 3:11-15
Chapter 9 - Developing Church Leaders
The Word of God explains what qualifies a man to be a church leader:
This is a true saying, If a man desire the office of a bishop, he desireth a good work. 2A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; 3Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous; 4One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; 5(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?) I Timothy 3:1-5
Church leaders must have good character, but bad people can pretend to have good character. “Ruleth well his own house” is hard to fake – we can see his children. God wrote, “rule his own house” twice but then He wrote “take care of the church of God.” Church leaders rule their houses but take care of the church.
If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly. 7For a bishop must be blameless, as the steward of God; not selfwilled, not soon angry, not given to wine, no striker, not given to filthy lucre; 8But a lover of hospitality, a lover of good men, sober, just, holy, temperate; 9Holding fast the faithful word as he hath been taught, that he may be able by sound doctrine both to exhort and to convince the gainsayers. Titus 1:6-9
Faithful children and unruly children are easy to see. These requirements aren’t just for church leaders:
And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, 25In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; II Timothy 2:24-25
All of us must be gentle, teaching meekly and patiently, why? So God can draw people to the truth. That’s how we win the lost – gentle, meek teaching and persuading. This requires a lot of Bible knowledge.
Ask an Olympic gymnast, or a champion skier, or a high-end musician, they’ll say they started by age 4 or 5. It’s hard to be world-class if you start late. How soon should we start teaching our children the Word of God? Before they learn to talk, we need to sing Christian songs to them. When you read the Bible, have the child say all the words the child can read and teach more words over time. Talk about God. What do we say?
And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. 6And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: 7And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Deuteronomy 6:5-7
Teach your children to love God by encouraging them to praise God for everything He’s given. Talk about a beautiful sunset God has given us. Praise Him for the rain that feeds our flowers, our food, and our thirst.
Therefore shall ye lay up these my words in your heart and in your soul, and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that they may be as frontlets between your eyes. 19And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Deuteronomy 11:18-19
The command to bathe your children in the Word of God is given twice. You must know the Bible well to do that. That starts before they walk or talk. Now, let’s look at God’s teachings how to lead.
Servant Leadership is Godly Leadership
When His disciples argued over which was the greatest, Jesus told them and showed them how to lead:
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all. Mark 9:35
That’s the secret – a Godly leader serves his followers. A man serves his wife and family, a mother serves her children, a military leader takes care of his men, a boss takes care of his people, and a church leader cares for everyone in the house of God. Those who lead the most should serve the most, it’s that simple.
Leaders must have a goal and a plan, if you don’t know where you’re going, you can’t lead anybody there.
As you bring up your children to walk God’s path, teach them to lead. Pr. 31:1 introduces the wisdom King Lemuel’s mother gave him. She taught him how to lead a kingdom, a business, a church, or a family:
· Don’t mess with women (Pr. 31:3[440]), particularly someone else’s woman.
· Don’t abuse mind-altering substances (Pr. 31:4-5[441]), neither alcohol nor drugs.
· Take care of your people when they’re hurt (Pr. 31:6-7[442]) either physically or emotionally.
· Treat your people fairly (Pr. 31:8-9[443]) by hearing every word, both facts and feelings (Mt. 18:15-17[444])!
We can’t fulfill the last two without building open, loving relationships. How else can we tell between the needy and the lazy, the good and the glib? Mrs. Lemuel’s leadership wisdom helps in any path we walk.
Rescue the Perishing – Lift Up the Fallen
God shows a simple way to take care of your people when they’re hurting. I Kings 18 tells how Elijah challenged the people on Mt. Carmel to choose between God and Baal. They put a sacrifice on the altar without a fire. The priests of Baal prayed, but Baal did nothing. Then Elijah poured water over the sacrifice and called on God. God sent fire and burned up the water, the stones, and the sacrifice. The people decided to follow God; they killed all 450 prophets of Baal. What a revival! Then what happened?
Jezebel said she’d kill Elijah. I Kings 19:1-4[445] tells how he ran for his life and went two days journey into the wilderness. Right after Elijah’s greatest victory for God, he ran. He was so discouraged that he asked God to kill him, he was suicidal. Who says God’s people don’t get discouraged? Do church people feel down? What did God do? Did God criticize Elijah for running? No, God didn’t criticize Elijah, God sent an angel to feed him, “Arise and eat, the journey is too great for thee (1 Ki. 19:5-7[446]).” Step one is feed the suffering.
And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God. 9And he came thither unto a cave, and lodged there; and, behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said unto him, What doest thou here, Elijah? 10And he said, I have been very jealous for the LORD God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away. I Kings 19:8-10
The food helped but Elijah was still discouraged – he thought he was the only one left on God’s side.
That’s outstanding leadership. Elijah lost heart, he ran, he stopped serving God, and does God blast him? No, God feeds him and asks, “How’s it going, Elijah.” Elijah tells God how Elijah sees it and God listens to his thoughts and emotions with compassion. LISTEN TO YOUR PEOPLE!! They may not see things your way.
The next verses show God building Elijah back up into being a good follower again. God tells him to anoint Hazael and Jehu and to call Elisha to be a prophet after him. He has something simple to do and giving him an assistant to learn the job means he won’t feel so alone.
God gives His people rest, simple tasks, and pep talks when they wipe out. A discouraged person with nothing to do sits, soaks, and sours; God kept Elijah too busy to sour. He can’t face Jezebel, but he can anoint. God told Elijah that he was not alone and that he was on the winning side:
Yet I have left me seven thousand in Israel, all the knees which have not bowed unto Baal, and every mouth which hath not kissed him. I Kings 19:18
Elijah didn’t know the whole story; God gave him encouraging facts. Encouragement and a task he could do got Elijah back on the job. That’s how you rescue the perishing, it’s all in the Book.
Men don’t always have the whole picture, that’s why God gives a man a wife to help him see what he can’t see and why God gave us prayer so the Holy Spirit can show us more.
Leading Women
Half the congregation will be women. The Bible commands husbands:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
Women differ from each other a lot more than men do. The only way a husband can dwell with his wife according to knowledge of her is to spend hours and hours opening his heart to her in talk. A leader should never talk that way to any woman who’s not his wife. A church leader must talk to his own wife enough to know her well enough to explain his plans and goals to her in detail. She can explain the details to the women and carry their concerns and questions back to her husband. That keeps him from temptation.
Women should ask their husbands at home (1 Cor. 14:35[447]) or ask the pastor in public or as a couple.
A husband must give honor to his wife, partly because she’s a weaker vessel and can be easily hurt if he’s careless about honoring her. God tells leaders how to honor all the women in the church.
The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
Honoring all women with all purity must be taught from an early age. Men don’t naturally honor women. When Isaac went to Gerar, he thought the “men of the place” would kill him for his desirable wife and told her to say she was his sister. Abimelech was angry because “one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us (Gen. 26:7-10[448]).” There would have been no guilt for raping Rebekah if she wasn’t married. She had no right to her own body; raping her would have been no crime. She was married, though, so raping her would have been a property crime against her husband.
In the flesh, a man doesn’t see much wrong with sex without marriage even if she isn’t willing. How does a father teach his sons to honor all women as God commands? Mrs. Lemuel explained that to her son:
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 31Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:28-29, 31
King Lemuel’s mother taught him how to nourish and cherish his wife. She told him to teach his children to bless their mother and that he should tell their children that she’s the best wife and mother in the world. Children are born selfish. Their father must show them how to appreciate their mother by doing it himself and commanding them to honor her by punishing them when they don’t. The Song of Solomon shows a man praising his wife in every detail. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. A son who’s been taught all his days to honor his mother, his sisters, and all women can honor women he leads. A daughter who’s been shown how her father and brothers honor her mother knows what to expect of any man.
Teach young men to honor women and teach girls to insist on being both honored and cared for.
Be Careful What You Ask For
Leaders must be careful what they ask; their followers might do it. We all lead from time to time. How we lead makes all the difference in how successful we are. Let’s see an example from the Bible:
And David longed, and said, Oh that one would give me drink of the water of the well of Bethlehem, which is by the gate! 16And the three mighty men brake through the host of the Philistines, and drew water out of the well of Bethlehem, that was by the gate, and took it, and brought it to David: nevertheless he would not drink thereof, but poured it out unto the LORD. 17And he said, Be it far from me, O LORD, that I should do this: is not this the blood of the men that went in jeopardy of their lives? therefore he would not drink it. These things did these three mighty men. II Samuel 23:15-17
David was careless. David “longed” for a drink of Bethlehem water. He didn’t demand, he didn’t ask, but his “mighty men” risked their lives to give him his wish because they wanted to please him. They carried out David’s wish because they loved him, not just because he was above them in the army. When you lead, watch what you say, you may get more obedience than is right before God.
The Bible tells wives to submit to their husbands and tells children to obey their parents, but the Bible also puts limits on leaders. Ephesians 6:4 tells fathers not to “provoke your children to wrath,” that is, don’t abuse your authority as David abused his.
You can command obedience, but commanding isn’t enough, unwilling followers stop following when you aren’t watching. Earning loyalty through honor and convincing saves you a lot of work in the long run. If followers agree with you, if they’re convinced that what you want is right, they do right when you’re not there. Paul was the greatest church planter ever, how did he lead?
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad. Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:10-11a
So to lead, love them, persuade them, and serve them. If serving is beneath you, leading is beyond you.
Honor your people (1 Pe. 2:17[449]), take care of your people when they’re hurt, explain the plan, be apt to teach, be patient, and show how to apply Scripture to their daily lives. The answers really are in God’s Word!
Chapter 10 - The Calvinism Heresy
Calvinism is the simple idea that human choice has NOTHING to do with salvation: God decides who will go to Heaven and who will go to Hell no matter what they do. Calvinism makes Jesus Christ a liar:
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not! Luke 13:34
Jesus lied in mourning that they wouldn’t choose to follow Him because they could not – God had already chosen some of them for Hell and they couldn’t choose to accept His offer of salvation, and Jesus knew this.
The Lord God also lied:
Say unto them, As I live, saith the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that the wicked turn from his way and live: turn ye, turn ye from your evil ways; for why will ye die, O house of Israel? Ezekiel 33:1
The Lord God lied in urging them to turn from their wicked ways because He knew that He had chosen some for Hell and they couldn’t turn. John the Baptist and the Old Testament prophets also lied in urging repentance. Predestination and free will are discussed in more detail in the next section.
The Error of Double Predestination
Rev. 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.” Before He spoke the world into existence, Jesus knew Adam would sin and that He would have to die to take the punishment for your sins, my sins, and for everyone who ever lived. In spite of knowing that, He loved us enough to create us anyway.
“Double predestination” asserts that God predestined some people to be saved and go to Heaven and others to be damned to eternity in Hell no matter what they do or however young they die. Calvinists refer to God’s “irresistible grace” in that when God predestinates someone for Heaven, that person will receive enough of God’s grace to go to Heaven no matter what. Let’s start with reality:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. 9For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9
The Bible teaches predestination, election, foreknowledge, and free will. It’s as hard to reconcile them as reconciling Jesus being both fully God and fully man, but that’s what God expects us to believe.
Jesus taught free will to Nicodemus:
He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. John 3:18
Condemnation comes from not believing “in the name of the only begotten Son of God,” not from God predestinating a living soul to Hell. You don’t have to do anything to go to Hell, but you must choose to believe in Jesus Christ in order to go to Heaven when you die.
Augustine taught unconditional election by irresistible grace in the early fifth century. He taught that all non-elect babies went to Hell even if they died “before the child shall know to refuse the evil, and choose the good (Is. 7:16).” David contradicted this: “I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. (2 Sam. 12:23).”
Some say David’s son went to Heaven because his father was saved. That can’t be true because sin nature is passed down through the father (Gen. 5:3[450]) and because God judges people as individuals (De. 24:16[451]).
David’s confidence that he would see his child again suggests that every birth is written in the Lamb’s book of life to be blotted out once it’s no longer possible for the person to find God (Is. 55:6[452]). “I will not blot out his name out of the book of life (Rev. 3:5[453])” matches Asian custom. When a Jew converts to Christianity, orthodox families conduct a funeral and erase the name from the family register as though the renegade had never been born. When a sinner fails to hear God’s final call to repentance, the name is blotted out.
Everyone Goes to Heaven if God Does it All
If salvation or damnation is totally up to God, if people aren’t free to choose or refuse to accept Christ’s offer of salvation, everyone will go to Heaven and there was no need for Jesus to die.
Say unto them, As I live, saith the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that the wicked turn from his way and live: turn ye, turn ye from your evil ways; for why will ye die, O house of Israel? Ezekiel 33:11
It pleases God when people turn and live. Everybody will turn, live, and go to Heaven when they die if Heaven or Hell is up to God alone. This idea is known as “universalism.” Some people will go to Hell (Rev. 20:14-15[454], Rev. 21:8[455]), however, so double predestination as Calvinism defines it is false.
Chapters 2 and 3 of Ezekiel show that saying people cannot choose is against the Word of God. John 3:16 shows that God wants everyone, not just a few. Double-pre says that God draws only the elect few with "irresistible grace" to salvation whether they like it or not; the Bible says Jesus draws everyone:
And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me. John 12:32
Did the Prophets Lie?
Calvinism declares that everyone suffers from “total depravity” which makes lost people unable to repent. The only way anyone can get to Heaven is for God to elect to draw them with irresistible grace. Their beliefs and actions have nothing to do with it. This means that Moses, Joshua, the OT prophets, and John the Baptist lied when they urged people to repent and that Jesus lied when He wept over Jerusalem:
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not! Luke 13:34
Double predestination argues that people who are predestinated to Hell could not accept Him, so Jesus lied when He said “ye would not” instead of saying “ye could not.” He also lied in saying that Tyre and Sidon would have repented after believing His “mighty works” because they couldn’t repent either:
Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works, which were done in you, had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. Matthew 11:21
God Permits Free Will
Jesus wanted the Jews to accept Him as Messiah. They chose not to accept His offer of saving grace and He did not force them. God takes our actions into account:
The LORD rewarded me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands hath he recompensed me. Psalm 18:20
God has given all of us free will such that God’s supernatural grace is not irresistible; we are free to reject God’s offer of grace and His other commands, but we bear the consequences of our choices.
O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
2 Kings 17:10-15 speaks of the Lord sending prophets and seers urging His people to turn away from idols, but the people refused. Did the Holy Spirit lie in inspiring this account? Why send the prophets if the people were unable to choose to turn?
Is Ezekiel’s warning a lie? How can a just God (Gen. 18:25[456]) hold anyone accountable for not warning the lost if the wicked person is predestinated to go to Hell regardless of what we or they do?
When I say unto the wicked, O wicked man, thou shalt surely die; if thou dost not speak to warn the wicked from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand. 9Nevertheless, if thou warn the wicked of his way to turn from it; if he do not turn from his way, he shall die in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul. Ezekiel 33:8-9
Double pre says that the Holy Spirit lied in inspiring the prophet Ezekiel to urge, “Turn ye, and live,” - they were predestinated to go to Hell and could not choose to turn and live:
Have I any pleasure at all that the wicked should die? saith the Lord GOD: and not that he should return from his ways, and live? Ezekiel 18:23
For I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth, saith the Lord GOD: wherefore turn yourselves, and live ye. Ezekiel 18:32
Single Predestination
Scripture teaches that “the elect” must hear the Gospel to know what to believe:
And when the Gentiles heard this [I have set thee to be a light of the Gentiles], they were glad, and glorified the word of the Lord: and as many as were ordained to eternal life believed. Acts 13:48
For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. Romans 10:13
But we are bound to give thanks alway to God for you, brethren beloved of the Lord, because God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation through sanctification of the Spirit and belief of the truth: II Thessalonians 2:13
This is consistent with Rom. 8:28-30[457] which explains how God’s people are called: Foreknowledge, predestination, calling, justification, and glorification. That sounds like salvation is totally up to God, but Rom. 10:13-17[458] speaks of people calling on the name of the Lord to be saved and points out that the unsaved must hear, which requires a preacher, and that preachers must be sent.
These passages show “single predestination” in that some are ordained for Heaven but the word must be preached to them so that they can choose to believe. Being of “the elect” doesn’t guarantee salvation:
Therefore I endure all things for the elect's sakes, that they may also obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory. II Timothy 2:10
We’re given examples of God Himself explaining what He wanted when He called people to His service.
Isaiah Chapter 6 tells how God called Isaiah. When Isaiah protested that he was unworthy, an angel touched a coal to his mouth and pronounced his sins taken away (6:6-7). When the Lord asked whom He could send, Isaiah said, “Here am I, send me (6:8).” God doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies the called as Jesus called Saul on the road to Damascus and then instructed him in Arabia (Gal. 1:17[459]).
Jeremiah chapter 1 tells how the LORD called Jeremiah who said, “I cannot speak: for I am a child (1:6).” God touched his mouth and said, “Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth (1:9).” God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called, but they have to be willing to choose to hear and obey.
For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not. II Corinthians 8:12
How many refused when God called them to be prophets? We know men who were called to be pastors but left God’s path as difficulties arose. How many refused God’s command to “take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms (Hos. 1:2)” knowing the pain wifely betrayal would bring?
“Abraham believed God (Rom. 4:3[460], Gal. 3:6[461], Jas. 2:23[462]).” How many men refused God’s call to father His chosen people before Abraham accepted the call? Mary said, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word (Lk. 1:38[463]).” How many women refused for fear of being stoned for becoming pregnant out of wedlock (De. 22:21-22[464])?
Double pre offers the ultimate copout.
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
If a child goes astray, a parent can shrug, think “Predestinated to go to Hell” and feel no responsibility.
Limits to Free Will
Men aren’t given complete free will - God is active in human history:
By me kings reign, and princes decree justice. 16By me princes rule, and nobles, even all the judges of the earth. Proverbs 8:15-16
The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will. Proverbs 21:1
This matter [Nebuchadrezzar eating grass outdoors for 7 years] is by the decree of the watchers, and the demand by the word of the holy ones: to the intent that the living may know that the most High ruleth in the kingdom of men, and giveth it to whomsoever he will, and setteth up over it the basest of men. Daniel 4:17
These verses say that He puts some in positions of authority. The Bible does not lie; God gave us the ability to choose what to believe and what to do. Our Lord draws every man sufficiently and enlightens every man as much as necessary for that individual to make an honest decision for or against obedience and salvation of his own free will. If Saul, Isaiah, or Jeremiah had refused God’s call, He would have called someone else as He called Aaron to help Moses lead the Exodus (Ex. 4:14[465]) when Moses refused His call.
Did God Harden Pharaoh’s Heart?
God told Moses that Pharaoh would not let His people go because of hardness of heart. Did God force Pharaoh to harden his heart and go to Hell by making it impossible for him to obey God? Ex. 9:34 says that Pharaoh “sinned yet more, and hardened his heart, he and his servants.” James 1:13-14 tells us that God does not tempt people to sin; people are drawn into sin by their own lusts. Pharaoh chose to sin and hardened his own heart as God told Moses he would. God is outside of time. He knows the future but gives us free will.
And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
Ex. 10:20[466] tells us that the Lord hardened Pharaoh’s heart after the plague of locusts. That is consistent with Is. 55:6 “Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:” Pharaoh hardened his own heart at a time when he could have found the LORD but chose not to. After that, the LORD withdrew from him so that Pharaoh could no longer call on him and blotted his name out of the book of life.
The Jews Rejected God’s Offer of a Personal Relationship with Him
God had one-on-one fellowship with Adam and Eve in the garden. Once Adam fouled himself through sin, God could no longer relate to him in the same way, but God still desired to relate to His creation. Abraham was a friend of God. God wants you to be His friend, but you have to want to be His friend.
Art not thou our God, who didst drive out the inhabitants of this land before thy people Israel, and gavest it to the seed of Abraham thy friend for ever? II Chronicles 20:7
And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God. James 2:23
And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend. Exodus 33:11a
God wanted to relate to the Children of Israel as individuals:
Ye have seen what I did unto the Egyptians, and how I bare you on eagles' wings, and brought you unto myself. 5Now therefore, if ye will obey my voice indeed, and keep my covenant, then ye shall be a peculiar treasure unto me above all people: for all the earth is mine: 6And ye shall be unto me a kingdom of priests, and an holy nation. These are the words which thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel. Exodus 19:4-6
God’s people chose neither to draw nigh to Him nor rely on Him. God’s people chose not to talk to God. Moses reviewed what had happened:
And ye said, Behold, the LORD our God hath shewed us his glory and his greatness, and we have heard his voice out of the midst of the fire: we have seen this day that God doth talk with man, and he liveth. 25Now therefore why should we die? for this great fire will consume us: if we hear the voice of the LORD our God any more, then we shall die. 26For who is there of all flesh, that hath heard the voice of the living God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as we have, and lived? 27Go thou near, and hear all that the LORD our God shall say: and speak thou unto us all that the LORD our God shall speak unto thee; and we will hear it, and do it. Deuteronomy 5:24-27
How sad! How very, very sad! They had heard the voice of God and lived. They chose not to relate to God as He desired so He gave them the law. Hear the sorrow in God’s voice:
And the LORD heard the voice of your words, when ye spake unto me; and the LORD said unto me, I have heard the voice of the words of this people, which they have spoken unto thee: they have well said all that they have spoken. 29O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:28-29
Individual Christians are urged to ask God to forgive their sins. That gives us the power to be Sons of God, which is a family relationship.
But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: John 1:12
Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. I John 3:2
Who Blinded the Jews?
Paul gave us another pro-choice, free will verse:
That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. Romans 10:9
What about this? Elect Jews found salvation, but God blinded the rest so that they couldn’t find it?
What then? Israel hath not obtained that which he seeketh for; but the election hath obtained it, and the rest were blinded. 8(According as it is written, God hath given them the spirit of slumber, eyes that they should not see, and ears that they should not hear;) unto this day. Romans 11:7-8
For the LORD hath poured out upon you the spirit of deep sleep, and hath closed your eyes: the prophets and your rulers, the seers hath he covered. Isaiah 29:10
For I would not, brethren, that ye should be ignorant of this mystery, lest ye should be wise in your own conceits; that blindness in part is happened to Israel, until the fulness of the Gentiles be come in. Romans 11:25
All the Jews “shall look upon me whom they have pierced, and they shall mourn for him (Zec. 12:10).” Did God apply double predestination only to Jews and block some from salvation until the fulness of Gentiles? No, there is a limit to the opportunity God gives each of us to repent and turn to Him:
Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: 7Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. Isaiah 55:6-7
But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway. I Corinthians 9:27
God’s people hardened their own necks for so long that they could no longer find God and were cast away:
Notwithstanding they would not hear, but hardened their necks, like to the neck of their fathers, that did not believe in the LORD their God. II Kings 17:14
But they and our fathers dealt proudly, and hardened their necks, and hearkened not to thy commandments, 17And refused to obey, neither were mindful of thy wonders that thou didst among them; but hardened their necks, and in their rebellion appointed a captain to return to their bondage: but thou art a God ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and forsookest them not. Nehemiah 9:16-17
Harden not your heart, as in the provocation, and as in the day of temptation in the wilderness: Psalm 95:8
Yet they hearkened not unto me, nor inclined their ear, but hardened their neck: they did worse than their fathers. Jeremiah 7:26
Harden not your hearts, as in the provocation, in the day of temptation in the wilderness: Hebrews 3:8
Paul certainly didn’t think lost Jews were unconditionally predestinated to Hell:
For I speak to you Gentiles, inasmuch as I am the apostle of the Gentiles, I magnify mine office: 14If by any means I may provoke to emulation them which are my flesh, and might save some of them. Romans 11:13-14
Acts 28:17ff tells us that when Paul arrived in Rome, he called the Jews together, and persuaded them “from morning til evening (Ac. 28:23[467]).” He couldn’t have done that if they’d been predestinated.
Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
And some believed the things which were spoken, and some believed not. Acts 28:24
Isaiah predicted that some non-Jews would hear and consider Christ’s teaching:
So shall he sprinkle many nations; the kings shall shut their mouths at him: for that which had not been told them shall they see; and that which they had not heard shall they consider. Isaiah 52:15
The Jews were told to attract “the nations” by showing how choosing to obey statutes God had given Israel benefitted them. Scripture speaks of “the nations” being astounded at God punishing Israel when they chose not to obey (1 Sa. 3:11[468], 2 Ki. 21:12[469], 2 Chr. 29:8[470], Jer. 18:16[471], 19:3, 8[472], 25:18[473], Mich. 6:16[474]).
Keep therefore and do them; for this is your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the nations, which shall hear all these statutes, and say, Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people. 7For what nation is there so great, who hath God so nigh unto them, as the LORD our God is in all things that we call upon him for? 8And what nation is there so great, that hath statutes and judgments so righteous as all this law, which I set before you this day? Deuteronomy 4:6-8
Modern Christians are as conspicuously visible to the lost as Jews were to “the nations.” We accomplish the goal of showing the blessings of belonging to God by choosing to obey this command:
By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. John 13:35
Double Pre Deemphasizes Spreading the Gospel
Belief in double predestination de-emphasizes Jesus’ command to us to spread His Gospel. When my aunt was a teenager, a visiting missionary said that Chinese maps were inaccurate. As he traveled from one village to his next appointed meeting, he’d pass villages he hadn’t known because they weren’t on the map. He said that people there would go to Hell unless more missionaries were sent.
When my aunt asked my grandfather about it, he told her that God had chosen who would go to Heaven and who would go to Hell so it didn’t matter whether missionaries were sent.
The verses about election and predestination speak of saved people. This supports the idea of single predestination. There are no verses showing people being predestined for Hell. God draws everyone to the point of making an honest choice. How else could everyone acknowledge God’s justice (Gen. 18:25[475], Rev. 15:3[476])? Rom. 1:20 says they have “no excuse.” God grades on the curve:
And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. 48But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. Luke 12:47-48
Those who learn the mind of God by studying His works are held accountable for what they learn. Those who hear the word from one of His servants are accountable for that.
Might as well be an Atheist
Calvinism teaches that God chose some for Heaven and others for Hell no matter what the do. If that is true, what people do in this life makes no difference – their fate is already sealed no matter what. Someone who believes that is effectively the same an atheist. If there is no God, people can do whatever they want to do without worrying about what God wants. What they do makes no difference. If everyone is predestinated for Heaven or Hell no matter what they do, they might as well do whatever they want to do without worrying about what God wants – what they do makes no difference.
Without Faith it is Impossible to please God
We can’t understand how to reconcile God’s sovereignty and His gift of free will any more than we can understand Jesus being fully God and fully man. Election, ordination, single predestination, and free will are all taught in the Bible. We are to believe them as we believe in Jesus, the God-man who was made in the flesh, whether we understand or not.
A verse-by-verse analysis of Calvinist’s claim that God predestinating some for Hell and their denial of free will is found at
https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/an-examination-of-tulip-five-points-of.html
Chapter 11 - Marriage Going Out Of Style
The Chapter Six on page 53 describes the mixture of logic and emotion by which my marriage came about. The emotional, illogical part came immediately. I saw a woman in the pew in front of me and pursued her after the service. We had our first date in April, were engaged by the end of May, and married in August.
Settling factual and logical parts of marriage took two months: we had to make sure that we could make marriage work. I showed that I could afford to take care of her, that I could handle the responsibilities of adulthood, and that I would lead her gently. She showed that she had been taught the skills to guide a house.
The idea of romantic love, that is, emotional attachment between husband and wife, is less than 200 years old. People used to marry for purely factual reasons; feelings didn’t matter. When God condemned Adam to eat by the sweat of his face (Gen. 3:19[477]), God said nothing about how Eve would eat. Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm without modern machinery. Until the 1960s, a woman had to persuade a man to feed her and her children or she’d starve. Hanging around a man without birth control meant that there would be babies every 2 or 3 years. That made relationships very important to a woman – if she didn’t please the man who fed her (1 Cor. 7:34[478]), she and her children could starve.
Parents arranged marriages – the bride and groom often met for the first time at their wedding. The only thing that mattered to a girl’s parents was whether the man was strong enough to farm and heathy enough to last 20 years so her children could grow up and be on their own. The boy’s parents wanted to be sure she was a hard worker who could turn grain he grew into edible food and keep a house where he could live. Emotional matters like love, tenderness, respect, and appreciation weren’t considered.
Powerful people used daughters as trading cards in political power games. Pharaoh gave one of his daughters to Solomon when Solomon was a world-famous king (1 Ki. 3:1[479], 9:16[480]). During WW I, Czar Nicholas of Russia and Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany were cousins through Queen Victoria. Many marriages were arranged to build alliances (Gen. 41:45[481], 1 Ki. 11:19[482]). Women’s feelings mattered not at all.
Rebecca agreed to marry Isaac when all she knew was 1) he was a relative and 2) he was rich enough to feed her. The emotional part of marriage fell into place when he loved her (Gen. 24:67[483]).
Customs and laws making divorce difficult bound men and women together so children had a better chance of being fed. The Industrial Revolution made societies wealthy enough that parents could take emotion into account in marrying children off. I visited Japanese friends in 1973 and saw them working through a pile of resumes to find a husband for their youngest daughter. The marriage broker had interviewed her and made sure the photos were of her and that the resume was truthful – none of the self-serving lies which are so common on Western dating sites. Based on her knowledge and experience, the broker sent resumes of possible husbands to the family and the family sent back their top 5 candidates.
The broker sent back a list of 3 men who’d put the daughter in their top 5 meaning she could marry any one of them. When they dated, both parties knew a lot about each other including the fact that they were serious about getting married – paying the broker’s fee ensured that. Having logic taken care of meant they were free to let their emotions decide. My friend’s daughter fell in love on her first date and has had a happy marriage. The logic was taken care of by her parents and by the broker so she could safely give her heart.
Missing Marriages
In the West, marriage isn’t nearly as common as in the past. American customs have great influence on other nations over time. It may help you to be warned about some of the ways American culture has damaged marriage. Let’s look at reasons why marriage is falling out of style in America.
Burning oil and coal reduced the amount of physical labor to get food enough that my Japanese friends could consider their daughter’s feelings. So many men could afford to feed her that she could choose one of them on the basis of emotion. At that time, it wasn’t yet practical for a woman to get a job and pay her own way. Later, wealth increased to the point that women can get jobs and feed themselves without depending on husbands at all. Customs which used to maintain marriages weakened. There is less need to marry. So many Americans, Japanese, Koreans, and Chinese choose not to that populations are dropping.
God knew this would happen.
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
At the time that was inspired, women had no alternative. This command was put in place for a time 2,000 years later when women could choose whether to marry and whether to have children after marrying.
Weaker Family Ties
People used to marry and live near where they’d grown up. A couple had nearby relatives who could help them with children, illness, and other problems. People now move far away from families so there isn’t as much help available. This makes the stresses of marriage and children greater – young people must figure marriage and parenthood out for themselves instead of being able to ask grandma or grandpa for help.
Many American mothers work and put their children in day care. We now know that skin-to-skin contact between a woman and a baby helps the child’s brain grow.[484] Hormones on the mother’s skin get into the baby’s blood and have a calming effect when a mother holds or nurses her child.[485] This builds relationships between mother and child and helps babies learn to control their emotions.
Day care workers don’t have time to hold each child enough to do this. They come and go so often that children can’t develop trusting relationships with adults. Children who grow up in day care have no close relationships with older people who can give advice. They look for help from people their own age who know little more than they do. Women tell each other how hard husbands and children are without giving useful information or encouragement. This makes having families seem like bad burdens.
Hookup Culture
Many Americans think nothing of having sex with lots of people, sometimes on the first or second date. Women used to say, "Not unless we're married, and I won't marry you unless you grow up and get a job."
If a woman says she wants to marry but lets a man have her without marrying her, he feels that she's a liar. Marriage means nothing to her or she would insist on it instead of just giving herself. If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else?
Intimacy without commitment is like icing without the cake. It can be sweet, but it's going to end up making you sick. A woman sets her price by what she does (Pr. 31:10[486]). If her price is a few dinners or movies, she isn't worth much. If her price is that he dedicate his life to taking care of her before getting her, she can be a priceless treasure. What she does shouts so loudly that nobody can hear what she says.
If he has her without marriage, what would marrying her give him that he doesn't already have? Men know little about women; how does a man know whom he should marry? If he can have her without marriage, she isn't worth marrying. If he can't, he will marry her if he wants her badly enough.
Working Mothers
Many American mothers go to work instead of staying home to care for their children. You can’t keep a job without pleasing the boss. We often see a woman pleasing a man boss or a man pleasing a woman boss just a little too much. They fall into sexual sin and wreck 2 families.
Proverbs 31:1 introduces “The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him.” The rest of the chapter is Mrs. Lemuel’s advice to her son how to nourish and cherish his future wife.
It takes a lot of time and emotional energy for a mother to teach her son how to appreciate and honor his wife, and she can’t teach him much unless her husband first teaches her son to honor and appreciate her. Working mothers have neither the time nor the emotional energy to civilize their sons. Women have a hard time finding a man who’s been taught how to be a worthwhile husband and give up in despair.
Working mothers don’t have time or energy to teach their daughters about men either (Titus 2:3-5[487]).
Not Enough Appreciation
Jesus taught that men marry; women are given in marriage:
They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
A wife is a gift from God to her husband, given by God as a favor, an undeserved blessing:
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
The Song of Solomon and Proverbs 31 teach that women need appreciation.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
A man must teach his children to honor, respect, and appreciate their mother. The best way to teach this is to tell her and them how wonderful she is, many times per day. Scripture warns that anyone who fails to appreciate gifts God gives loses the blessing God intended in giving the gift:
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
70% of American divorces are started by unappreciated women. Working wives get some appreciation, if only through the paycheck, but they’re often too tired to take care of husbands, children, or homes.
Great Society Welfare Substitutes Money for Fathers
European and American welfare systems pay a woman’s expenses if she doesn’t get married. Before welfare, a woman who wanted a home and children had to get a husband. Now, all she has to get is pregnant which is a lot easier. The women are OK with more babies because their welfare payments to up for each child.
America ran a 60-year experiment in supporting fatherless children. We now know how it turns out – fatherlessness goes with crime and poverty. Fatherless mobs burned down the city of Detroit and are starting on other cities. God condemns fatherlessness – it’s mentioned 43 times in Scripture:
https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/gods-concern-for-fatherless.html
2 Thess. 3:10 says, "If any would not work, neither should he eat." It does not say "can not." Ecc. 10:18[488] and Eze. 16:49[489] condemn idleness; welfare pays for idleness and for fatherlessness.
Feminism – Womens’ Liberation
When the birth control pill arrived, feminists rejoiced that women could have sex for pleasure without worrying about pregnancy as men always had. This is false. The book "Unprotected" by Psychiatrist Miriam Grossman explains biological reasons why sex outside marriage is so damaging. Having treated more than 2,000 students for depression and other problems at a prestigious American university, she saw that a woman can become very depressed when she realizes her boyfriend had no interest in her beyond sex.
If a man loves a woman’s soul, one woman is all he needs. If all he sees is her face and figure, all the women in the world won’t satisfy him. Making men talk instead of having sex during courtship makes it more likely that he’ll treasure her soul, but if she’s just a sex toy, he’ll discard her when a new toy comes along.
Being dumped a few times makes it hard for a woman to trust a man enough to want to marry.
No-Fault Divorce
The word “divorce” means ending a marriage bond by some person of authority. When Jesus said “let not man put asunder (Mt. 19:6[490], Mk. 10:9[491]),” He meant that no man has authority to end Holy Matrimony. Once married in the eyes of God, a person cannot have sex with anyone else without being in adultery.
As marriages fell apart and casual sex became normal, American churches seemed to be 20 to 25 years behind society in abandoning Holy Matrimony. In 1950, mainstream American churches declared that the purpose of marriage was to benefit the two people in it.
This changed marriage from duty to delight. If marriage is duty, divorce is impossible: duty cannot end until death. If the purpose is delight, divorce should be easy: if you aren’t delighted you can try again. California passed the first no-fault divorce law in 1970, 20 years after the church redefined marriage!
In all 50 American states, anyone can walk out of a marriage for any reason or for no reason. 70% of American divorces are started by women. From a man’s point of view, if they’re living together, she can stop taking pills and make him pay child support which ends when the child is 18. If they’re married and she walks out, she can take a lot of his assets and he’ll have to pay alimony the rest of her life.
Why should a man marry at all if he can have her without marrying? If marriage is the only way he can have her, he’ll marry if he wants her badly enough. The emotions are still there – men want women and women want to get together with men – but the logic of American society has changed – the facts of American culture no longer support marriage. Marriage has become so difficult that few couples attempt it. Who’s going to raise the children? God made marriage so His people would raise children to serve Him (Mal. 2:15[492]), but will there even be any children? We don’t know.
Chapter 12 - The Lesson of Leah – Having a Man’s Baby Won’t Make Him Marry You
Scripture shows what drives men to marry. Jacob loved Rachel the moment he saw her (Gen. 29:18[493]) and worked for Laban for 7 years to earn the right to take her to wife:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Why was he willing to do that? He wanted her that badly. Women can never understand a man’s physical drive any more than a man can understand how a mother feels about children, but she needs to know this about men. This verse tells how God intended that marriage should work:
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
· Isaac supplied the tent. If a man’s offer to a woman doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter, it’s not Biblical, and a woman shouldn’t consider it. Without that level of commitment it probably won’t last, even if the family and culture force marriage.
· Taking Rebekah made her his wife because he had committed himself to nourish and cherish her when Abraham’s servant set out to find her long before he took her to wife. Taking her without marriage would have turned her into an object or an interchangeable sex toy.
· Isaac loved her and then she was able to comfort him. God created women to be great comfort to their husbands, but a man must first be publically committed to her and then convince his wife that he loves her more than life itself. Then she can comfort him. Pr. 31:28-29[494] and the Song of Solomon teach men how to do that by looking for ways to praise and appreciate her both privately and in public (Pr. 31:31[495]). Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife, not once.
If a man belongs to his wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 2:16[496], 6:3[497]), she will delight in belonging to him (Song 7:10[498]) as her mother advises (Song 8:2-3[499]). This will convince both of them that she belongs to him. If she’s his, her happiness belongs to him in that he will find that making her happy makes him happier than anything he can do for himself.
The book of Ecclesiastes is Solomon’s lament that everything he did was vanity and chasing after wind. This was because he did it everything for himself:
I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: Ecclesiastes 2:4
If a woman belongs to her husband, he can pour his life into nourishing and cherishing her and their children. That’s not vanity because it’s for others. Nothing straightens a man like having a woman lean on him. Caring for a woman gives meaning to a man’s life; having her pay “her share” of the rent doesn’t.
Surveys of unmarried couples show that the women believe they’ll marry “in a year or two,” but the men don’t think they’ll marry. A woman may get tired of waiting and have a baby to get him to marry her.
Having a man’s baby doesn’t make a man love her enough to marry her. When Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah instead of Rachel, the Bible tells us that Leah was hated (Gen. 29:31) and Rachel was loved. Leah thought that giving Jacob a son would make him love her:
And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years. And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing. Genesis 29:30-35
By the time her 4th son was born, Leah realized that having Jacob’s sons wouldn’t make him love her. Abraham, father of Jews and Arabs and honored by both, didn’t marry all the women who had his babies:
But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 25:6
Abraham, the Friend of God (2 Chr. 20:7[500], Isa. 41:8[501]), got at least two women pregnant besides his wives. Did he marry them? No, he sent them away (Gen. 24:73[502]).
If a woman wants marriage, the only sensible way to get a man to help raise her children, she must marry before letting him have her. If a woman says she wants to marry but gives herself without marrying, he feels she's a liar. Marriage means nothing or she’d insist on it instead of giving herself. If she gives herself to him without marriage, how can he trust her not to give herself to someone else if he marries?
If he can have her without marriage, what would marrying her give him that he doesn’t already have? Why should he take on the heavy responsibility of her and children if he doesn’t have to? Men know little about women, how does a man know whom to marry? If he can have her without marriage, she isn't worth marrying. If he can't, he’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough.
Intimacy without commitment is like icing without cake. It can be sweet, but ends up making you sick. The rewards of Pr. 31 are for a virtuous woman, not for one who’s given away her virtue.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
A woman sets her price by what she does. If her price is a few dinners or movies, she worth little. If her price is that he dedicate his life to taking care of her before having her, she can be a priceless treasure.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
What a woman does shouts so loudly that a man can’t hear what she says.
A man will marry if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her.
Unmarried Couples
Couples live together without marrying because of parents’ failure to teach them how to create strong marriages which are safe places for children to grow up. Husbands to love wives as Christ loves His people:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
A father’s love nourishes wives, teaches sons how to treat wives and other women, and teaches daughters what to require of men (1 Tim. 5:2[503]). Women who expect honor, respect, and value wouldn’t live with a man without marriage, but many find themselves in this position.
How does a woman who wants to marry persuade her boyfriend? If he has her without marriage, why take responsibility? Society may accept this, but both partners are disobeying God who forbids fornication:
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. II Corinthians 6:18
In most such cases, the woman wishes to marry while the man is reluctant. Such reluctance is often well-founded; many couples who live together for years break up soon after they wed.
Why would a stable couple break up after a wedding? An unhappy woman may cling to her “happily ever after” dream. She thinks that marriage will make him value her more. Once they’re married and he doesn’t treat her better, she knows her dream couldn’t happen because he never valued her beyond a toy.
Few realize that the way a man treats a woman determines whether she likes belonging to him. When a man honors and respects a woman, she’s free give herself to him as a love gift. It’s not something she owes him or that he demands. Giving herself by demand instead of by love makes her feel like his whore. She needs to be able to choose to be glad to give herself instead of being taken.
There’s another problem in that many men expect a woman to act and think as he would whatever situation arises. He expects her to be an intellectual and emotional clone of him, without admitting that when God created them “male and female,” He made them very different[504].
On top of that, “Opposites attract.” A woman who’s very neat in her housekeeping may marry a man who creates messes everywhere, and vice versa. A shy man may attract an outgoing woman and vice versa. Such differences often make it impossible for a wife to operate like her man, and his trying to make her do that frustrates them both. He has to back off and let her be as God made her. He must choose to value the gifts and abilities God chose to give her. She can’t expect him to act as she would either.
Men are possessive. A man expects his wife to open herself to him whenever he wants her. He dreams of 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed. God seldom gives him that much strength, but that’s often his plan. Not all men have this much drive, but having a wife encourage him and tell him that they could do it more often if he exercised to get into better shape is a major encouragement.
If she isn’t his, if he can’t have her when he’s able to, he feels cheated, particularly if she was his before the wedding. Women are possessive – she wants him to open his heart to her when she wants to talk. She may need hours of two-way conversation per day, at least 5 times before breakfast, lunch, dinner, and bed.
Men fear that if they give the security of marriage, the woman will trade her favors to get her way instead of giving herself willingly. Bartering favors is whoredom, but many women do it when they feel it’s the only way to express their wants or their basic artistic, musical, decorating, or other desires such as children. A man who doesn’t trust his woman to be his doesn’t want her to feel secure enough to bargain.
All women are sensitive to criticism from men, but wives are more sensitive than roommates. When he criticizes his wife with the same words and tones as before, her hurt is greater. Remarks that wouldn’t bother her before marriage hurt so much that they can drive her away. A man must be gentler with his wife than with his roommate, it’s hard to change habits from living with her before marriage.
This can happen with any couple when the wife decides to obey God and be submissive. It’s a long-term uphill struggle for a woman to give up leadership and independence in each area of her life and rely on her husband. This is especially difficult if he’s inclined to oppress or micromanage her.
It can be hard on a wife who wants to help her husband but he won’t use her help. Even if he’s willing to be helped, he may not explain his plans clearly enough for her to follow effectively. Some men pay vendors whom they trust to do things their way instead of explaining to their wives.
Women may think submitting means they can no longer be persons with their own thoughts and feelings, but will become a servant or clone. Some believe this through experience and some have seen men treat women in this un-Biblical manner. That shouldn’t be so—a wife is meant to be a vital part of her husband’s life who uses her intelligence, skills, gifts, talents, and abilities to build her home, build up her husband, encourage his leadership, help him in his work, and serve the Lord’s work under his guidance.
This is learned behavior. He must learn her strengths so he can rely on her initiative; she must learn to help him and to follow him. It may help if she says, “My husband, I realize that God wants me to belong to you and that I haven’t been yours. I promise to try my best before God and before you to be fully yours. I have developed bad habits over the years that came before I realized how God wanted me to behave. Please be patient with me as I struggle to be the wife God wants me to be.”
Submitting makes a woman more sensitive by taking away her independence, so a wife becomes more sensitive to criticism the more she submits. A man should never criticize a woman, especially when she’s struggling to belong to him. Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife.
Few women are taught just how physically-driven men are. Women are often attracted to strong men because they’re likely to live long enough to help get children ready for independent lives. Women think in terms of times per month or perhaps week, a man usually wants more than she. If his wife frustrates him enough, he may let his body get out of shape or gain weight so that he can’t do it as often and won’t be as frustrated. God seldom gives him the strength to do it as often as he’d like, but that’s his plan:
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Many women who submit once a month feel that they’re absolutely submissive; there’s no way a man could possibly want more. When we were discussing a couple’s retreat we’d attended, a woman told my wife, “My husband isn’t driven like that” while watching her husband indicating vehement disagreement without saying anything. The next time we saw them, it was obvious he’d convinced her – she acted differently because belonging to a man calms a woman. Anyone who knows her can see the change.
A husband must learn new speech patterns as his wife learns to be his. A woman can’t change overnight, nor does the change proceed steadily. Learning to lean on her husband is frightening, particularly if she’s spent years of independent married life. Some days she’s his, other days she’s back to her old self. Giving her loving support through the change and assuming leadership only as she gives it up teaches her husband why love is called ‘longsuffering’ in I Corinthians 13:1-8, but in the end, he has a wife who delights in belonging to him, a gift which all husbands should have but which few receive.
A woman wants to share her husband’s life by helping him in his work or in anything he wants to do, but she also wants him to share in what she does. Having him sit in the kitchen and talk with her, or better yet, do some chopping as she prepares meals lightens her burden of guiding the house.
She has to be intelligent about accepting his help. The chance of his doing it the way she would is close to zero. If she complains, he’ll stop trying to help. Remember Proverbs 31:26 “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”
Insisting on Marriage
The woman usually wants marriage so it’s up to her to get it. A man marries if he wants a woman badly and marriage is the only way to have her; few men buy what they can rent, few rent what’s available free.
God expects a man to honor a woman enough to set her apart from all other women by marrying her before having her. If a man doesn’t value her enough to do that, it’s going to be hard to persuade him to value her that much after having her for nothing while she paid “her share” of the rent.
That is going to make it very hard for him to be willing to accept responsibility by marrying. A woman who decides to push for marriage must realize that she could lose him entirely.
Lovingly but firmly, she must say, “Unmarried sex is wrong before God and before man. You know that as well as I. I love you and want to give my life to you, but I will no longer give you my body outside marriage. Marry me, and I solemnly promise that I will belong to you. I will live on your income and follow your leadership. As my husband, you may have me whenever you want me even when I don’t want you, but without marriage, you may no longer have me at all.” Say that and separate from him sexually!
This is difficult unless she walks out the door. Walking out is hard, particularly if she has no place to go. Her body likes attention and cutting off sex is difficult, especially if she loves him. Most women don’t particularly want touching until after they’ve been touched, then they want it badly from time to time.
If touching comes after marriage, a woman can give herself in confidence that he’s committed to her. If touching comes without marriage, she fears he’ll abandon her and has trouble controlling her desire for his touch even if it has become rottenness to her bones. It’s better to stay chaste until marriage - giving herself even once makes it hard not to give herself again.
He won’t believe her unless she stops. He’ll think she’s tricking him into marriage. Having had her, he knows the tricks to make her fall and tries to get her again. If she surrenders, she’s lost.
Women who give sex without marriage know they’re not respected. Obeying Christ’s command with respect to sex or trying to get out of a relationship which isn’t working isn’t manipulation. Adopting a path of virtue is the best way to get him to value and respect her enough to marry her in sincerity and truth.
He’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough and marriage is the only way he can have her.
If he doesn’t marry her, she’ll want to marry someone else. She knows the pain of giving herself and her heart without marriage. That should give her strength to tell another man, “No, that mistake hurts, and never again. No sex until we’re married and I won’t marry you unless you grow up and get a job.”
Holy Matrimony is a Sacred Covenant Sealed with Blood
A woman who’s trying to repent of sexual sin will be encouraged by God’s provision for such situations.
God planned that the marriage covenant be sealed with blood. Mal.2:14 refers to “the wife of thy covenant.” “Thy covenant” refers to the husband. A man offers his marriage covenant to the woman. If she accepts his covenant, they’re married when he takes her to wife after a public declaration to God before witnesses. What matters is the desire of their hearts. If they intend to marry from their hearts, if they mean to sanctify each other before God and others, joining is holy and pure, otherwise it’s polluted.
Blood is very important to God. We Christians are sanctified through the blood of Jesus Christ:
By the which will we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. Hebrews 10:10
Wherefore Jesus also, that he might sanctify the people with his own blood, suffered without the gate. Hebrews 13:21
Blood was very important to God from the time He chose Abraham to be the first of His people:
Whereupon neither the first testament was dedicated without blood. For when Moses had spoken every precept to all the people according to the law, he took the blood of calves and of goats, with water, and scarlet wool, and hyssop, and sprinkled both the book, and all the people, saying, This is the blood of the testament which God hath enjoined unto you. Moreover he sprinkled with blood both the tabernacle, and all the vessels of the ministry. And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission. Hebrews 9:18-22
Moses sprinkled the book of the law, that is, the Bible, and sprinkled the people as a sign that they would obey the Word of God. All of the equipment of the temple was sanctified to God by being sprinkled with blood. The Bible then says, “And almost all things are by the law purged with blood…” (Hebrews 9:22).
God created all things from a plan, He did nothing by accident. A woman sheds blood on three different occasions. The first time a man takes a woman, her blood is shed. This blood, which the Bible calls “tokens of her virginity,” sanctifies her marriage covenant if he takes her in marriage, otherwise shedding her blood profanes God’s sacred marriage covenant. They aren’t married until he takes her to wife (Gen. 24:67[505]); his marriage covenant takes effect when sealed with her blood.
Abraham, the weaker party, gave up animals to provide blood to seal God’s covenant with him (Gen. 15). The woman, the weaker party, gives up her innocence to provide blood to seal her husband’s marriage covenant with her (Deu. 22:20-21[506]). She loses her innocence and learns about men, but she does not lose her purity. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled.” If he takes her to wife, she keeps her purity, otherwise she gives her purity away and they’re both defiled.
Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. 16What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. I Corinthians 6:15-16
There’s more sanctification in marriage than just the marriage covenant alone:
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. I Corinthians 7:14
A woman sheds blood to sanctify her marriage covenant and sheds blood to sanctify her children, that is, to set them apart and make them holy, by shedding blood when giving birth. There’s no need to baptize babies, they’ve been sanctified to God by their mother’s shed blood. Childbearing sanctifies the mother:
Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. I Timothy 2:15
Every month she’s not pregnant or nursing, a woman’s womb cleans itself with blood at the end of her cycle. Her blood purifies her womb to prepare a place where God can mold and make a sanctified child. Every month, a woman who’s fallen into sin has a chance to start over again in purity if she repents from fornication and stops doing it. That is far easier said than done, but she has a way forward:
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
The blood a woman sheds is important to God, but how many Christians respect it? How many Christian men honor and sanctify by marrying her first and treating her as a gift (1 Thess. 4:3-6[507])? How many Christian couples pollute God’s sacred marriage covenant with the “lust of concupiscence?”
The physical side of marriage is holy and pure (Heb. 13:4[508]). There’s no reason to be shy; there is no reason not to teach it; we should respect and honor it. God not only made marriage honorable, He gave women a path to recover from polluting His marriage covenant and press toward His mark in purity.
Chapter 13 - Marriage Handout
The foundation of joyful Holy Matrimony is both parties being convinced in their bones that God is good.
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:8, 15, 21, 31
The man knows that everything about his wife that irritates him is from God to bless him. His wife knows that everything about him that drives her crazy is from God to bless her. It may take years of asking God for wisdom to figure out how they’re blessed, but the way God made men and women blesses both.
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. Matthew 25:40
Being Married
And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
1. Isaac supplied the tent. A man’s proposal to a woman that doesn’t include food, clothing, and shelter isn’t biblical. If a man can’t pay for her, all he can do is play with her. That never ends well.
2. She became his wife, not his girlfriend – they both made public marriage vows before he took her.
3. Isaac loved Rebekah and then he was comforted. God gave every wife the ability to comfort her husband, but comforting a man is emotionally exhausting. Being convinced that he loves her renews her emotional energy so she can keep comforting him. This requires a lot of daily detailed praise and appreciation by both husband and wife as taught in the Song of Solomon (Song 1:2[509]).
Attitude of Gratitude
Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; 48Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee. Deuteronomy 28:47-48
A man limits his wife’s ability to make him happy if he limits his appreciation of everything about her.
Getting Married
And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18 The best advice on getting married there is.
Boaz wasn’t thinking of marriage, but when Ruth suggested it, it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her. Why? Because he wanted her. If a woman gives a man rest outside marriage, her value falls (Pr. 31:10[510]). What would marriage give that he doesn’t have? Why take on responsibility?
Dwelling According to Knowledge
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
This means knowing her needs, preferences, thoughts, and feelings and think about her when making decisions. If a woman prefers vanilla and her husband always brings home chocolate, does he love her? Will she feel loved? The only way a man can get this knowledge is though hours and days of open-hearted conversation. There’s a reward – the better your wife knows you, the more easily she can please you.
Staying Married
I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:2-3
Her mother tells her to welcome him into her body whenever he wants her. Giving herself when she’d rather not is what submission means. She has more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all of his energy to keep him focused. If she sends him off to work loaded, he may be tempted by other women (Pr. 6:28[511]).
Husband Leads by Serving
And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
Husband Leads in Appreciation
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. [saying] 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
Mrs. Lemuel taught her son to praise his wife and teach his children to follow his example of praising and appreciating her. This teaches the “attitude of gratitude” which blesses them all their lives. Praise is partly to encourage his wife and partly to teach her children to respect her. If her daughters respect her, she can teach them how to be treasures for their future husbands instead of being toys. If her sons respect her, she can teach them how to be blessed by their future wives as Mrs. Lemuel taught her son in Pr. 31.
Nowhere in the Bible does a man criticize his wife. Not once. Really? What about this?
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. Job 2:9
Job’s wife lost seven sons who were her hope of being fed after her husband died – no pensions. Her husband lost his money and spoke of dying. He said she spoke “like a foolish woman.” That implied she wasn’t usually foolish, it was halfway a compliment. He criticized what she did; he didn’t criticize her.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
A husband’s criticism dries his wife’s bones and can shorten her life. Praise helps her live longer.
God Speaks to Women
When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
Pilate’s wife expected him to value her dream. He should have let the help meet God gave help him.
Wife Respects Her Husband and Guides His House
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
Women are driven to talk about caring for husbands, children, and homes. That’s a good thing.
Chapter 14 - Handling Disputes and Anger at Home, at Church, at Work, and in the World
God expects His church to come together in fellowship without offense or anger:
That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. I Corinthians 12:25
God also told us how to resolve any disagreement, trespass, or offense. God’s plan for finding peace requires that we have a humble, practical willingness to deal with whatever robs the soul and spirit of peace and joy. Healing disagreement is important in any group, family, or church because we need each other:
And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; I Corinthians 12:26a
We can’t accomplish God’s purpose in our local church if the Body of Believers is divided or in anger.
Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth. Luke 11:17b
Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:4
Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Ephesians 4:26
We must heal hurts fast because memories fade. These are God’s commands for restoring peace:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Matthew 18:15-17
The Scofield Reference Bible put the heading “CHURCH DISCIPLINE” before Mt. 18:15. This suggests that God’s process is only for matters that could throw someone out of church. That’s wrong - God’s plan works for anything that upsets you enough that you can’t ignore it.
- Trespass means to sin, intrude, infringe, or encroach. This includes offenses.
- Offense includes insult, attack, or anything that bothers or offends you.
What if you Don’t Heal Hurts as they Happen?
Anger and frustration build when hurts aren’t healed. We remember that we’re offended but may forget why we’re angry if we don’t settle offenses as fast as God requires. This is deadly in marriage, in churches, and at work. When anger spreads to an entire group, we must heal many people at once. Paul set the goal:
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
The goal is to put the anger behind and get the group working together to press toward the mark.
Settling a Group Offense God’s Way
I was a new hire, and for some reason, the boss left me in charge of the office when he was away for a week. On Monday morning, my new colleagues came to me about longstanding anger. I had no idea what the problem was and couldn’t get a straight story. That happened in Ephesus:
Some therefore cried one thing, and some another: for the assembly was confused: and the more part knew not wherefore they were come together. Acts 19:32 see also Acts 21:34[512]
The fact that I wasn’t yet part of the group made it easier for them to let me lead the search for an answer.
“I don’t care about facts.” I said. “It’s been building for years and nobody remembers why. We won’t bring up what happened; we’ll deal with feelings. We’ll say how we feel, one at a time. There are 4 rules.
1) Everybody has to be in this together, is there anyone else who should be here?
2) Only one thought, hurt, feeling, or idea per turn.
3) Don’t blame anyone. Everybody was involved. Don’t give names. If you say, ‘I was upset when he said…,’ that’s out of bounds. Say, ‘I was upset when I heard...’ or ‘when this happened.’
4) Only the person holding this Bible may speak; wait until it gets passed to you.
Everybody got that?” They nodded.
As we went around the group, someone interrupted, “That’s not what I meant. I was trying to...”
“Wait your turn,” I said. “We need apologies. We need forgiveness. Without forgiveness, we can’t work together. When it’s your turn, if you’re sorry, we will forgive you, won’t we?” They agreed that they would.
After another round or two with apologies, I heard, “It’s OK now, we get it. We can work together.”
I went around the group, one at a time. “Is it over? Really over?” All but two said “Yes.” I asked, “Are you two upset with each other?” When they said “Yes,” that made it a simple 1 on 1 trespass.
Matthew 18 tells how to fix that. “Go get some coffee and work it out,” I told them. “Come back when you’ve made up. If you can’t, I’ll be happy to help. If the three of us can’t fix it, we’ll bring everybody in and fix it together. If we all together can’t fix it, one of you will have to leave. Got that?” They said they got it.
They came back in a half-hour, full of teary smiles. It really was all over. God told us about this:
Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. Proverbs 26:20
Nobody would talk about how it happened – I think they were embarrassed – but it seemed that the two holdouts had gotten upset at each other years earlier and had been knifing each other to their colleagues.
This group-oriented process of healing problems is taught in the Bible. Paul’s letters speak of the Corinthian church sinning through carnal “strife and division (1 Cor. 3:3[513]).” He urged the Corinthians to be unified, and explained that he would establish “every word” of what he had heard when he came:
This is the third time I am coming to you. In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established. II Corinthians 13:1 He planned to establish every word, not every truth.
Giving Offense Offends God
Eight verses before giving us His reconciliation process, Jesus said that giving offense is a serious sin:
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 7Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh! Matthew 18:6-7
Christians should be spiritual enough not to take offense when no offence is meant, and sometimes even when it is. People can become annoyed at you even if you don’t intend offense. Your intent doesn’t matter:
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Matthew 7:15-16
Your actions can bring destructive fruit even if you didn’t want to be a ravening wolf. There are no excuses. Your intent doesn’t matter. Haven’t you ever told a child, “You didn’t break the window on purpose, but we want you to on purpose not break things.”
If someone is offended by what you did, God expects you to humble yourself and apologize even if you can’t see why they’re offended. Nobody expects you to be perfect; they expect you to be honest. I’ve never lost points by apologizing, not even to my children. It’s a good way to deal with offenses as God commands.
If you don’t understand why you offended someone, you’re likely to do it again. If someone won’t accept your apology, that’s on them, not on you.
Conflict at work costs businesses so much money that it’s been studied a lot. One way to keep discussions calm is to pause 10 seconds before answering when things are getting hot. Your goal isn’t to “win” the discussion; it’s to build the relationship, to edify. You can't do that when you're angry or if the other person is too upset to hear what you say. Pausing to think for 10 seconds helps improve your relationships.
We Cannot Live without Law
All groups need some way to settle disputes. Drug dealers and street gangs throw bullets at each other because it’s cheaper and faster than going to court. American Indian tribes passed the “whisper pipe” around the circle. Only the person holding the pipe could talk, and pass it to the next.
My colleagues weren’t saved but they saw the need for apologies and forgiveness. We’re commanded:
Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. 4And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. Luke 17:3-4
God is serious about commanding us to forgive without limit; we’re forgiven only as we forgive others:
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Matthew 6:12
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
The Problem of Human Carnality
In 1 Cor. 3:1-7, Paul showed the difference between spiritual Christians and carnal Christians. Being carnal is another way to describe walking in the flesh. We all have our flesh-driven moments, even Paul (Ro. 7:14):
For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. 7Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. Romans 8:6-7
Japanese are about 1.5% Christian. Few Japanese have the Holy Spirit, but healing offenses was a matter of life and death. Annoying a sword-bearing samurai could get your head chopped off. If you offended too many people, you might be forced to commit suicide. They needed ways to restore harmony.
A few days after my brother entered 1st grade, an elegant gentleman knocked on the door. His card said “Head of the Block.” He told Mom that her son was not brushing his teeth after lunch because he had no toothbrush. The teacher sent a note home. Had she seen it? Mom found the note; it had a cartoon of a child brushing teeth. “I'm sorry,” she explained, “I thought I had to make sure he brushed his teeth before he went to school.” Huge smile. “We thought it was something like that,” he said, and bowed himself out.
This man was known as wise man who solved quarrels. My brother’s teacher asked the PTA to find peace with a foreigner. The PTA elevated the problem to the Head of the Block. The apostle Paul desired that there be no quarrels in Christ’s church; the Head of the Block desired that there be no quarrels in his community.
Japanese know that gossip can be deadly, but they also know that approaching someone who’d angered you could cause more offense. Talking to the Head of the Block was OK by definition. He or his wife could often explain enough to stop it there. If not, they’d work tactfully behind the scenes to bring harmony.
The Japanese agree with Pr. 20:29b, “the beauty of old men is the grey head.” Serving the community by bringing peace was honored. They didn’t have our psychology terminology, but they understood people.
Confirmation bias: People value information that supports their beliefs and tend to ignore information that conflicts with their beliefs. Atheists aren’t interested when I show them how scientific discoveries support the Bible. The more a wise man learns, the better he understands his ignorance.
Stereotypes: People tend to judge others by first impressions. It’s difficult and time-consuming to learn enough about another person to judge righteous judgment; it’s a lot easier to put them in a compartment based on a few obvious characteristics and move on.
Pride: Most people hate to admit that they’re wrong. As Elon Musk put it, “It’s a lot easier to fool people than to convince them that they’ve been fooled.” Apologizing can be very humbling.
Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way. Romans 14:13
American law states that government can’t override your “strongly-held convictions” without a very good reason. Baptists call this “individual soul liberty” in saying that each person has the right to their own convictions. It can be difficult to get along with Christians with different convictions.
Going ‘round the table hearing all the feelings, hurts, and anger cuts through bias, stereotypes, and misunderstanding. It can be humbling, but shows the power of love and relationships.
Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! James 3:5
There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 12:18
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9
He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
How to Moderate
It’s important to agree on the rules when settling a longstanding problem. This is a good start:
I don’t care about facts. Anger has been building for years. We won’t bring up what happened; we’ll deal with feelings. We’ll say how we feel, one at a time. There are 4 rules.
1) Everybody has to be in this together, is there anyone else who should be here? If not, go get them.
2) Only one thought, hurt, feeling, or idea per turn.
3) Don’t blame anyone. For it to get this bad, everybody was involved. Don’t give names. If you say, ‘I was upset when he said…,’ that’s against the rules. Say, ‘I was upset when I heard...’ or when this happened.
4) Only the person who has the floor may speak; wait for your turn.
Everybody got that? Let’s begin.
[1] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[2] Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. II Corinthians 5:20
[3]Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 2:6-8
[4] And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel. Genesis 3:15
[5] My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? Psalm 22:1
[6] And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Matthew 27:46
[7] And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? which is, being interpreted, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Mark 15:34
[8] And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin. Genesis 35:18
[9] And about the time of her death the women that stood by her said unto her, Fear not; for thou hast born a son. But she answered not, neither did she regard it. I Samuel 4:20
[10] And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die. Genesis 30:1
[11] Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on me, to take away my reproach among men. Luke 1:25
[12] Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. Revelation 4:11
[13] This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; 2Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. Genesis 5:1-2
[14] There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. Romans 3:11
[15] Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace. Galatians 5:4
[16] And now, saith the LORD that formed me from the womb to be his servant, to bring Jacob again to him, Though Israel be not gathered, yet shall I be glorious in the eyes of the LORD, and my God shall be my strength. Isaiah 49:5
[17] Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again. John 3:7
[18] And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men every where to repent: Acts 17:30
[19] Testifying both to the Jews, and also to the Greeks, repentance toward God, and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ. Acts 20:21
[20] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[21] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not! Luke 13:34
[22] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. Matthew 11:23
[23] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven, shalt be thrust down to hell. Luke 10:15
[24] He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 4Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. Isaiah 53:3-4
[25] So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs. John 21:15
[26] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[27] I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase. I Corinthians 3:6
[28] Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1:6
[29] Unwin, J. D. (1927). "Monogamy as a Condition of Social Energy,” The Hibbert Journal, Vol. XXV, p. 662
1 Sexual Relations and Cultural Behavior, by J. D. Unwin (Frank M. Darrow 1969)
[31] The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5
[32] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[33] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[34] And Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah to wife Genesis 25:20a
[35] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[36] If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35b
[37] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. Mark 10:42-44
[38] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[39] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[40] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[41] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[42] She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. John 8:11
[43] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[44] And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:15
[45] That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, Titus 2:4
[46] His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3
[47] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[48] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
[49] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
[50] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[51] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. Proverbs 31:11
[52] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[53] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:6
[54] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[55] A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; I Timothy 3:2
[56] And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, II Timothy 2:24
[57] Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. James 1:27
[58] For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9
[59] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[60] And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death; Judges 16:16
[61] For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. I Samuel 25:34
[62] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18, 20
[63] Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. I Thessalonians 5:11
[64] And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:24
[65] Not because I desire a gift: but I desire fruit that may abound to your account. Philippians 4:17
[66] All these men of war, that could keep rank, came with a perfect heart to Hebron, to make David king over all Israel: and all the rest also of Israel were of one heart to make David king. I Chronicles 12:38
[67] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling savour. Ephesians 5:1-2
[68] Now when they had passed through Amphipolis and Apollonia, they came to Thessalonica, where was a synagogue of the Jews: 2And Paul, as his manner was, went in unto them, and three sabbath days reasoned with them out of the scriptures, 3Opening and alleging, that Christ must needs have suffered, and risen again from the dead; and that this Jesus, whom I preach unto you, is Christ. 4And some of them believed, and consorted with Paul and Silas; and of the devout Greeks a great multitude, and of the chief women not a few. 5But the Jews which believed not, moved with envy, took unto them certain lewd fellows of the baser sort, and gathered a company, and set all the city on an uproar, and assaulted the house of Jason, and sought to bring them out to the people. 6And when they found them not, they drew Jason and certain brethren unto the rulers of the city, crying, These that have turned the world upside down are come hither also; Acts 17:1-6
[69] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[70] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Mark 7:6
[71] Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men: Isaiah 29:13
[72] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/dont-step-in-holes.html#samsonTemptation
[73] Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. II Timothy 3:7
[74] For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 23:7a
[75] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[76] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[77] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[78] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. Malachi 2:14
[79] And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. 16And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. 18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help[79] meet for him. Genesis 2:15-18
[80] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. Genesis 3:3
[81] And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. I Timothy 2:14
[82] For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous. Romans 5:19
[83] And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, 11And be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. 15And he said unto the people, Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives. Exodus 19:10-11, 15
[84] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. 13And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12-13
[85] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/wedding-wisdom-simplicity-of-marriage.html#fallFault
[86] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[87] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:15
[88] But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. Genesis 2:6
[89] And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:25
[90] And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: Genesis 3:2
[91] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[92] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[93] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[94] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song 7:10
[95] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23
[96] And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. Genesis 3:6
[97] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[98] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[99] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[100] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
[101]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[102] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[103] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[104] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[105] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:9
[106] In Gen. 3:14, God cursed Satan “above all cattle, and above every beast of the field.” In 3:17 God said, “cursed is the ground for thy sake” before telling Adam that he would eat by the sweat of his face. Although Satan, cattle, beasts, and the ground were cursed, Adam and Eve were not cursed. By placing Adam’s struggle to find or grow food at the mercy of weather and much else which man can’t control, God reminds us that all lives depend on God – “Moreover the profit of the earth is for all: the king himself is served by the field. (Ecc. 5:9).” Before men had machines to pump water out of the ground, farmers needed rain to fill reservoirs or water their crops. Farmers know they depend on God.
[107] The grave; and the barren womb; the earth that is not filled with water; and the fire that saith not, It is enough. Proverbs 30:16
[108]And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[109] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
[110] Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men: Isaiah 29:13
[111] He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. Mark 7:6
[112] Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. II Corinthians 9:7
[113] I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. I Timothy 5:14
[114] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted unto heaven, shalt be brought down to hell: for if the mighty works, which have been done in thee, had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. Matthew 11:23
[115] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[116] And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven, shalt be thrust down to hell. Luke 10:15
[117] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not! Luke 13:34
[118] And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly. Matthew 26:75
[119] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[120] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[121] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[122] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[123] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[124] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[125] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[126] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[127] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/dont-step-in-holes.html#greekHard
[128] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[129] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ruthsRules
[130] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/wedding-wisdom-simplicity-of-marriage.html#marriageArch
[131] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[132] And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace. Luke 7:50
[133] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[134] For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Romans 3:23
[135] Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned: Romans 5:12
[136] For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:23
[137] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[138] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[139] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27
[140] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[141] Let your heart therefore be perfect with the LORD our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day. I Kings 8:61
[142] But the high places were not removed: nevertheless Asa's heart was perfect with the LORD all his days. I Kings 15:14
[143] I beseech thee, O LORD, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore. II Kings 20:3
[144] Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing. Psalm 100:2
[145] Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle, separated unto the gospel of God, Romans 1:1
[146] Paul, a servant of God, and an apostle of Jesus Christ, according to the faith of God's elect, and the acknowledging of the truth which is after godliness; Titus 1:1
[147] My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. John 10:29
[148] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[149] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again. II Corinthians 5:14-15
[150] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
[151] Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Romans 12:10
[152] For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Ephesians 4:12
[153] Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21
[154] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[155] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[156] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[157] Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
[158] He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10-12
[159] I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins. Isaiah 43:25
[160] And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Hebrews 10:17
[161] How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:14
[162] Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, 20By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; 21And having an high priest over the house of God; 22Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water. Hebrews 10:19-22
[163] There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1
[164] Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13
[165] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
[166] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[167] For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Ephesians 5:29
[168] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[169] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[170] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 33Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:22, 33
[171] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
[172] I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid? Job 31:1
[173] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9
[174] Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
[175] Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11
[176] But godliness with contentment is great gain. I Timothy 6:6
[177] Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5
[178] But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. Deuteronomy 4:29
[179] work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. Philippians 2:12b
[180] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[181] Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16
[182] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
[183] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
[184] What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? Psalm 8:4
[185] But one in a certain place testified, saying, What is man, that thou art mindful of him? or the son of man that thou visitest him? Hebrews 2:6
[186] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
[187] And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD. Joshua 24:15
[188] And Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the LORD be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him. And the people answered him not a word. I Kings 18:21
[189] And I sought for a man among them, that should make up the hedge, and stand in the gap before me for the land, that I should not destroy it: but I found none. Ezekiel 22:30
[190] And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin. Genesis 35:18
[191] And about the time of her death the women that stood by her said unto her, Fear not; for thou hast born a son. But she answered not, neither did she regard it. I Samuel 4:20
[192] And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die. Genesis 30:1
[193] Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on me, to take away my reproach among men. Luke 1:25
[194] Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. Revelation 4:11
[195] He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Isaiah 53:3
[196] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Matthew 23:37
[197] O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not! Luke 13:34
[198] I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10b
[199] And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. Matthew 25:46
[200] And he that reapeth receiveth wages, and gathereth fruit unto life eternal: that both he that soweth and he that reapeth may rejoice together. John 4:36
[201] He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. John 12:25
[202] And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent. John 17:3
[203] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[204] Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you. John 15:3
[205] Neither by the blood of goats and calves, but by his own blood he entered in once into the holy place, having obtained eternal redemption for us. 22And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission. Hebrews 9:12, 22
[206] But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away. Isaiah 64:6
[207] As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: Romans 3:10
[208] For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9Not of works, lest any man should boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
[209] Say unto them, As I live, saith the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that the wicked turn from his way and live: turn ye, turn ye from your evil ways; for why will ye die, O house of Israel? Ezekiel 33:11
[210] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
[211] There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. Romans 3:11
[212] Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace. Galatians 5:4
[213] And now, saith the LORD that formed me from the womb to be his servant, Isaiah 49:5a
[214] For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed. Malachi 3:6
[215] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[216] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
[217] For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a
[218] O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29
[219] And the LORD thy God will make thee plenteous in every work of thine hand, in the fruit of thy body, and in the fruit of thy cattle, and in the fruit of thy land, for good: for the LORD will again rejoice over thee for good, as he rejoiced over thy fathers: 10If thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which are written in this book of the law, and if thou turn unto the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul. Deuteronomy 30:9-10
[220] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#thinkDifferent
[221] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[222] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[223] Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9
[224] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:9
[225] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[226] Pray without ceasing. 18In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus I Thessalonians 5:17-18a
[227] Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain. Psalm 127:1
[228] If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. James 1:5
[229] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[230] Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Psalm 128:3
[231] Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18
[232] Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Proverbs 23:13
[233] Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; 2But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father. Galatians 4:1-2
[234] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[235] If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? Hebrews 12:7
[236] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[237] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[238] And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
[239] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:11-12
[240] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. I Corinthians 7:3
[241] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[242] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[243] Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; 2But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father. Galatians 4:1-2
[244] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[245] When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19
[246] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[247] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[248] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[249] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song 6:9a
[250] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[251] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[252] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[253] One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. Romans 14:5
[254] And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin. Romans 14:23
[255] Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; II Corinthians 5:11a
[256] And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more Philippians 1:9
[257] But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. 9Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:3, 9
[258] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[259] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[260] So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. Genesis 1:27
[261] And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Matthew 19:4-5
[262] But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. Mark 10:6
[263] The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, Deuteronomy 28:56a
[264] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[265] Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. II Timothy 2:15
[266] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[267] A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter. Proverbs 11:13
[268] He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips. Proverbs 20:19
[269] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[270] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[271] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[272] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[273] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[274] Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. 19Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19
[275] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[276] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[277] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[278] A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; I Timothy 3:2
[279] And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, II Timothy 2:24
[280] Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7
[281] And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart. I Kings 11:3
[282] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[283] But if they cannot contain, let them marry: I Corinthians 7:9a
[284] Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. I Peter 5:5
[285] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[286] My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. Song of Solomon 6:9
[287] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#ToldMeBefore
[288] Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. Matthew 18:15
[289] For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: 4That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. I Thessalonians 4:3-6
[290] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I John 1:9
[291] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:6
[292] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[293] Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16
[294] the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b
[295] It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9
[296] It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
[297] It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. Proverbs 25:24
[298] A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15
[299] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[300] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[301] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[302] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[303] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[304] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[305] Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God. Romans 7:4
[306]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[307] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[308] As every man hath received the gift, even so minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. I Peter 4:10
[309] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[310] In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1
[311] I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name. Psalm 138:2
[312] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[313] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2013/10/why-johnny-lingo-paid-eight-cows-for.html
[314] That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. Romans 10:9
[315] Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. I Corinthians 7:1-2
[316] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[317] So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife: Ruth 4:13a
[318] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[319] If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. James 1:26
[320] Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. I Corinthians 7:3-4
[321] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[322] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[323] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[324] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[325] As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
[326] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[327] The region of the air; the sky or heavens; the great arch or expanse over our heads, in which are placed the atmosphere and the clouds
[328] But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: I Peter 3:15
[329] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[330] For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10
[331] Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Philippians 2:4
[332] For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. John 3:16-17
[333] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[334]And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:5-6
[335] And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. Mark 10:8
[336] Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God. II Corinthians 5:20
[337] What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? I Corinthians 6:19
[338] They did eat, they drank, they married wives, they were given in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark, and the flood came, and destroyed them all. Luke 17:27
[339] Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25
[340] Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. Philippians 4:4
[341] For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: II Corinthians 5:14
[342] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2021/06/dont-step-in-holes.html#greekHard
[343] Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
[344] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:11
[345] Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; 2And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour. Ephesians 5:1-2
[346] Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. Matthew 5:16
[347] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
[348] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[349] But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. 43But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: 44And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. 45For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45
[350] And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all. Mark 9:35
[351] And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. John 10:28
[352] Know ye not, brethren, (for I speak to them that know the law,) how that the law hath dominion over a man as long as he liveth? 2For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. 3So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. Romans 7:1-3
[353] Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. II Timothy 3:7
[354] For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Proverbs 23:7a
[355] This is the purpose that is purposed upon the whole earth: and this is the hand that is stretched out upon all the nations. 27For the LORD of hosts hath purposed, and who shall disannul it? and his hand is stretched out, and who shall turn it back? Isaiah 14:26-27
[356] The LORD of hosts hath purposed it, to stain the pride of all glory, and to bring into contempt all the honourable of the earth. Isaiah 23:9
[357] Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure: 11Calling a ravenous bird from the east, the man that executeth my counsel from a far country: yea, I have spoken it, I will also bring it to pass; I have purposed it, I will also do it. Isaiah 46:10-11
[358] For this shall the earth mourn, and the heavens above be black; because I have spoken it, I have purposed it, and will not repent, neither will I turn back from it. Jeremiah 4:28
[359] And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
[360] The business of a farmer, comprehending agriculture or tillage of the ground, the raising, managing and fattening of cattle and other domestic animals, the management of the dairy and whatever the land produces.
[361] The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? 10I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. Jeremiah 17:9-10
[362] In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1
[363] And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
[364] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:9
[365] And he said, Who art thou? And she answered, I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman. 10And he said, Blessed be thou of the LORD, my daughter: for thou hast shewed more kindness in the latter end than at the beginning, inasmuch as thou followedst not young men, whether poor or rich. Ruth 3:9-10
[366] And she said, I pray you, let me glean and gather after the reapers among the sheaves: so she came, and hath continued even from the morning until now, that she tarried a little in the house. Ruth 2:7
[367] And Boaz answered and said unto her, It hath fully been shewed me, all that thou hast done unto thy mother in law since the death of thine husband: and how thou hast left thy father and thy mother, and the land of thy nativity, and art come unto a people which thou knewest not heretofore. 12The LORD recompense thy work, and a full reward be given thee of the LORD God of Israel, under whose wings thou art come to trust. Ruth 2:11-12
[368] The LORD grant you that ye may find rest, each of you in the house of her husband. Ruth 1:9a
[369] Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. Matthew 18:15
[370] The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5
[371] But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I Corinthians 7:9
[372] Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
[373] If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:11
[374] Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17
[375] Unwin, J. D. (1927). "Monogamy as a Condition of Social Energy,” The Hibbert Journal, Vol. XXV, p. 662
[376] https://www.khanacademy.org/test-prep/lsat/lsat-lessons/logical-reasoning/a/logical-reasoning--article--getting-started
[377] https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/10EfwNuJ5CQ1ostJk7TVqQoy1HIqZBb5Y?usp=sharing
[378] Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. Matthew 18:15
[379] Chiang, M. Tides from the West, New Haven, 1947 p 4
[380] Behold, his soul which is lifted up is not upright in him: but the just shall live by his faith. Habbakuk 2:4
[381] For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith. Romans 1:17
[382] But that no man is justified by the law in the sight of God, it is evident: for, The just shall live by faith. Galatians 3:11
[383] Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) 24And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Hebrews 10:23-24
[384] Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him. Hebrews 10:38
[385] But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. Hebrews 11:6
[386] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[387] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[388] a prudent wife is from the LORD. Proverbs 19:14b
[389] Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. Proverbs 14:1
[390] He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls. Proverbs 25:28
[391] Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7
[392] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#lightlyLien
[393] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#physicalTemptation
[394] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#isaacSupplied
[395] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#sureHeOpensHisHeart
[396] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#seedAndSpeech
[397] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#sureHeGivesHerRest
[398] And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
[399] God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6
[400] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:15
[401] And David said on that day, Whosoever getteth up to the gutter, and smiteth the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul, he shall be chief and captain. Wherefore they said, The blind and the lame shall not come into the house. II Samuel 5:8
[402] And unto David were sons born in Hebron: and his firstborn was Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess; II Samuel 3:2
[403] And these be the names of those that were born unto him in Jerusalem; Shammuah, and Shobab, and Nathan, and Solomon, II Samuel 5:14
[404] For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope. Romans 15:4
[405] If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; 29Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days. Deuteronomy 22:28-29
[406] And they said, Should he deal with our sister as with an harlot? Genesis 34:31
[407] And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed. Genesis 14:12
[408] And they said, Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it. Numbers 12:2
[409] And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous. Numbers 12:10
[410] Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay. Ecclesiastes 5:5
[411] And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem. Genesis 35:19
[412] There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; there they buried Isaac and Rebekah his wife; and there I buried Leah. Genesis 49:31
[413] And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on, 21So that I come again to my father's house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God: 22And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God's house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee. Genesis 28:20-22
[414] And said unto him, Behold, thou art old, and thy sons walk not in thy ways: now make us a king to judge us like all the nations. I Samuel 8:5
[415] And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. I Samuel 18:25
[416] And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king's son in law: and the days were not expired. I Samuel 18:26
[417] And Michal Saul's daughter loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him. I Samuel 18:20
[418] But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim. I Samuel 25:44
[419] And her husband went with her along weeping behind her to Bahurim. Then said Abner unto him, Go, return. And he returned. II Samuel 3:16
[420] And he said, Well; I will make a league with thee: but one thing I require of thee, that is, Thou shalt not see my face, except thou first bring Michal Saul's daughter, when thou comest to see my face. II Samuel 3:13
[421]But the king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul, whom she brought up for Adriel the son of Barzillai the Meholathite: II Samuel 21:8
[422] And it came to pass, as the ark of the covenant of the LORD came to the city of David, that Michal, the daughter of Saul looking out at a window saw king David dancing and playing: and she despised him in her heart. I Chronicles 15:29
[423] Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death. II Samuel 6:23
[424] And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not. I Kings 1:4
[425] And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cooks, and to be bakers. I Samuel 8:13
[426] If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her. Deuteronomy 25:5
[427] Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb. I Samuel 25:3
[428] And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? Judges 16:15a
[429] And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. 13And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Judges 1:12-13
[430] And Pharaoh called Joseph's name Zaphnathpaaneah; and he gave him to wife Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On. And Joseph went out over all the land of Egypt. Genesis 41:45
[431] And the men of Israel said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel. I Samuel 17:25
[432] And Hadad found great favour in the sight of Pharaoh, so that he gave him to wife the sister of his own wife, the sister of Tahpenes the queen. I Kings 11:19
[433] And Solomon brought up the daughter of Pharaoh out of the city of David unto the house that he had built for her: for he said, My wife shall not dwell in the house of David king of Israel, because the places are holy, whereunto the ark of the LORD hath come. II Chronicles 8:11
[434] And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, even Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother. Judges 3:9
[435] And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her. Genesis 29:21
[436] And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23
[437] For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I Corinthians 7:7
[438] Who answered, Give me a blessing; for thou hast given me a south land; give me also springs of water. And he gave her the upper springs, and the nether springs. Joshua 15:19
[439] And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. 48But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. Luke 12:47-48a
[440] Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings. Proverbs 31:3
[441] It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink: 5Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted. Proverbs 31:4-5
[442] Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. 7Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. Proverbs 31:6-7
[443] Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction. 9Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9
[444] Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Matthew 18:15-17
[445] And Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and withal how he had slain all the prophets with the sword. 2Then Jezebel sent a messenger unto Elijah, saying, So let the gods do to me, and more also, if I make not thy life as the life of one of them by to morrow about this time. 3And when he saw that, he arose, and went for his life, and came to Beersheba, which belongeth to Judah, and left his servant there. 4But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers. I Kings 19:1-4
[446] And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. 6And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again. 7And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee. I Kings 19:5-7
[447] And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church. I Corinthians 14:35
[448] And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon. 8And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife. 9And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife; and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her. 10And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us. Genesis 26:7-10
[449] Honour all men. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king. I Peter 2:17
[450] And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, and after his image; and called his name Seth: Genesis 5:3
[451] The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own sin. Deuteronomy 24:16
[452] Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Isaiah 55:6
[453] He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels. Revelation 3:5
[454] And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. 15And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire. Revelation 20:14-15
[455] But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8
[456] That be far from thee to do after this manner, to slay the righteous with the wicked: and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from thee: Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? Genesis 18:25
[457] And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. 29For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. Romans 8:28-30
[458] For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. 14How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher? 15And how shall they preach, except they be sent? as it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things! 16But they have not all obeyed the gospel. For Esaias saith, Lord, who hath believed our report? 17So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. Romans 10:13-17
[459] Neither went I up to Jerusalem to them which were apostles before me; but I went into Arabia, and returned again unto Damascus. Galatians 1:17
[460] For what saith the scripture? Abraham believed God, and it was counted unto him for righteousness. Romans 4:3
[461] Even as Abraham believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness. Galatians 3:6
[462] And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God. James 2:23
[463]And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word. And the angel departed from her. Luke 1:38
[464] Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. 22If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel. Deuteronomy 22:21-22
[465] And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses, and he said, Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And also, behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart. Exodus 4:14
[466] But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go. Exodus 10:20
[467]And when they had appointed him a day, there came many to him into his lodging; to whom he expounded and testified the kingdom of God, persuading them concerning Jesus, both out of the law of Moses, and out of the prophets, from morning till evening. Acts 28:23
[468] And the LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle. I Samuel 3:11
[469] Therefore thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle. II Kings 21:12
[470] Wherefore the wrath of the LORD was upon Judah and Jerusalem, and he hath delivered them to trouble, to astonishment, and to hissing, as ye see with your eyes. II Chronicles 29:8
[471] To make their land desolate, and a perpetual hissing; every one that passeth thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head. Jeremiah 18:16
[472] And say, Hear ye the word of the LORD, O kings of Judah, and inhabitants of Jerusalem; Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Behold, I will bring evil upon this place, the which whosoever heareth, his ears shall tingle. 8And I will make this city desolate, and an hissing; every one that passeth thereby shall be astonished and hiss because of all the plagues thereof. Jeremiah 19:3, 8
[473] To wit, Jerusalem, and the cities of Judah, and the kings thereof, and the princes thereof, to make them a desolation, an astonishment, an hissing, and a curse; as it is this day; Jeremiah 25:18
[474] For the statutes of Omri are kept, and all the works of the house of Ahab, and ye walk in their counsels; that I should make thee a desolation, and the inhabitants thereof an hissing: therefore ye shall bear the reproach of my people. Micah 6:16
[475] That be far from thee to do after this manner, to slay the righteous with the wicked: and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from thee: Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? Genesis 18:25
[476] And they sing the song of Moses the servant of God, and the song of the Lamb, saying, Great and marvellous are thy works, Lord God Almighty; just and true are thy ways, thou King of saints. Revelation 15:3
[477] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. Genesis 3:19
[478] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:34
[479] And Solomon made affinity with Pharaoh king of Egypt, and took Pharaoh's daughter, and brought her into the city of David, until he had made an end of building his own house, and the house of the LORD, and the wall of Jerusalem round about. I Kings 3:1
[480] For Pharaoh king of Egypt had gone up, and taken Gezer, and burnt it with fire, and slain the Canaanites that dwelt in the city, and given it for a present unto his daughter, Solomon's wife. I Kings 9:16
[481] And Pharaoh called Joseph's name Zaphnathpaaneah; and he gave him to wife Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On. And Joseph went out over all the land of Egypt. Genesis 41:45
[482] And Hadad found great favour in the sight of Pharaoh, so that he gave him to wife the sister of his own wife, the sister of Tahpenes the queen. I Kings 11:19
[483] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[484] https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-politicization-of-motherhood-1509144044
[485] Komisar, Erica, “Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters” TarcherPeriree Books, 2017
[486] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[487] The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5
[488] By much slothfulness the building decayeth; and through idleness of the hands the house droppeth through. Ecclesiastes 10:18
[489] Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. Ezekiel 16:49
[490] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Matthew 19:6
[491] What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Mark 10:9
[492] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. Malachi 2:15
[493] And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter. Genesis 29:18
[494] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29
[495] Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:31
[496] My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 2:16
[497] I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies. Song of Solomon 6:3
[498] I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10
[499] I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate. 3His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song 8:2-3
[500] Art not thou our God, who didst drive out the inhabitants of this land before thy people Israel, and gavest it to the seed of Abraham thy friend for ever? II Chronicles 20:7
[501] But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend. Isaiah 41:8
[502] But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country. Genesis 24:73
[503] The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity. I Timothy 5:2
[504] https://successful-marriage.blogspot.com/2018/12/what-drove-jesus-11-nobodies-to-turn.html#thinkDifferent
[505] And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. Genesis 24:67
[506] But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: 21Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:20-21
[507] For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: 4That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. I Thessalonians 4:3-6
[508] Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4
[509] Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Song of Solomon 1:2
[510] Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
[511] Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:28
[512] And some cried one thing, some another, among the multitude: and when he could not know the certainty for the tumult, he commanded him to be carried into the castle. Acts 21:34
[513] For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and walk as men? I Corinthians 3:3
posted by Bill Taylor at 7:58 AM
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