God's Simple Plan of Marriage

One reason there’s so much talk about gay marriage is that many people believe that traditional marriage, that is, one man married to one woman for life, has failed. Christians divorce as often as the unsaved; we’re no better at being married than the lost. If Christians can’t handle this life, and divorce means we can’t, why should anyone care what we say about the next life? Our divorce rate wrecks our testimony and dishonors Christ, so it’s important for you to know how to help people fix their marriages. The first step is to show that marriage should be too wonderful to describe:

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: the way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19

The way of a man with a maid, that is, marriage, is so wonderful that one of the wisest man who ever lived, could not describe it. Even under the inspiration of God, all he could say was, "I know not."

Marriage should be wonderful, this man is so glad to be coming home to be with his wife that he’s skipping:

The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8

He’s rushing home, that’s where he wants to be. She misses him so much that she’s ill when he’s away:

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am sick of love. Song of Solomon 5:8

God says that marriage should be wonderful. The Bible also says that the bride and groom want it to work:

But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34

God says that married people want to please each other. God created men and women so that marriages should work:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14b

"Prudent" means thinking ahead. This verse teaches that a woman’s prudence, that is, the way she thinks, is of God. Men, God made your wife’s mind the way He wanted it, don’t mess with her mind, changing her is the Holy Spirit’s job, not yours.

Here’s one key to successful marriage, this is part of Proverbs 31 which tells how to be a wonderful wife. Preachers point out that there are few Proverbs 31 women, but what about Proverbs 31 men? What’s the one duty of a husband according to Proverbs 31?

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28

God teaches that men are supposed to praise their wives. Being praised by her husband and children makes a wife happy. But this verse from Ecclesiastes is the clincher. Ecclesiastes says that nothing a man does to have fun or live a worthwhile life works:

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. Ecclesiastes 1:14

Solomon listed many things that won’t give you joy:

I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: … I sought in mine heart to give myself unto wine … I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: … I got me servants and maidens … I gathered me also silver and gold … Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:1-11

Solomon tried it all, he found that there’s nothing you can do to make yourself happy, with one exception, and that’s marriage:

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9 ***

Solomon taught that God-given marriage gives joy. Music, hunting, TV, sports, it’s all vanity. All you have in this life, men, is your work and your wife, that’s it. Other interests can become a form of adultery. When God’s people "go a-whoring after other gods," He calls it adultery. When a man values sports, or hunting, or any other activity more than he values his wife, she thinks of it as adultery.

That’s Mere Logic

God wants marriage to be joyful, but that’s a mere fact. By the time people are unhappy enough to talk to you about marriage trouble, they’re usually too emotional to care what God says. You have to lead them past the emotion back to the fact of God’s love and the logic of marriage. After you give scripture about God designing marriage to be a blessing, ask about good times in their marriage. Everybody has some. Don’t let them be negative! There were good times, the marriage can work. Ignore problems for the moment:

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I Cor. 10:13

No matter how bad the marriage seems, no matter how strong the temptation to divorce, God promises a way to escape!

Then you have to find out which God they serve. There are two false gods worshipped in our land: the bully god and the buddy god. The bully god wrote a bunch of rules in the Bible to keep people from having fun and watches all the time so he can whack you if you get out of line. A man who thinks god’s a bully tends to bully his wife no matter how she tries to please him, a woman who believes in the bully god thinks her husband’s bullying her no matter how he tries to nourish and cherish her.

The buddy god, in contrast, is so loving that he’d never send anyone to hell or let anyone suffer trials. People who believe in the buddy god don’t honor God’s holiness or take His principles seriously. They have trouble submitting their will and their pride to God’s plan for marriage. This pleases Satan and causes God a great deal of pain:

O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29 ***

The Children of Israel were griping about leaving Egypt. God wanted to bless them but they wouldn’t follow. The true God loves us and wants to bless us. His rules help us find happiness but His justice demands that we walk with Him out of love. Obeying God to earn His favor is idolatry; God wants us to choose to follow Him out of love as He wants husband and wife to serve each other out of love. Works-based salvation where people try to earn God’s favor is idolatry, works-based marriage where people try to earn love is whoredom. You have to get past the emotion caused by frustration in marriage and shift the focus to praising God for the good times and for His grace and goodness. Rejoicing in the Lord is step 1 in rejoicing in marriage, rejoicing in your spouse is step 2.

How to be happy in marriage

God didn’t just want happy marriages, He also told us how to do it. The book of Ruth teaches women how to get married; the Song of Solomon teaches men and women how to stay married, but His ways don’t seem reasonable, we have to obey by faith:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. Isaiah 55:8

Salvation doesn’t seem reasonable either. Many people reject Gods plan of salvation and go to hell. Many reject God’s plan of marriage. Anyone who rejects God’s plan of salvation spends eternity in hell, there’s one way to go to heaven but many ways to go to hell. People who reject God’s plan of marriage can create their very own torment right here on earth.

God says marriage should work, the bride and groom want it to work. So why do so many marriages fail? Hosea 4:6 says that God’s people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. God said a great deal about marriage but people aren’t being taught how to be married. Marriages fall apart through ignorance, God’s plan for marriage can turn a couple around in a few days if they repent and do it.

One obstacle to fixing a marriage is that people get discouraged and give up. That’s why you have to show that God intended marriage to be a blessing. Then ask, "When you married, did you expect to be miserable or to be happy? Did you expect your spouse to be miserable being married to you?" The answer’s, "No," nobody expects anyone to be miserable in marriage to him or her.

Now the key question. God wants all marriages to be good, you and your spouse wanted your marriage to be good, you’ve had good times, but you say it’s not working. Isn’t it clear that something went wrong?

That’s the key, the person must admit that something went wrong. Here’s where you must avoid blame. If you say, "Nobody taught you, there’s no way you could’ve known, but God says…" you give the person a path to change. A man can go to his wife and say, "I didn’t know you needed…" and start to meet her needs; a woman can do the same.

A person can’t accept salvation without believing that something’s wrong, repenting, and changing, a person can’t fix a marriage without believing that something’s wrong, repenting, and changing. When something’s wrong with your body, you ask the doctor to help you fix it, you don’t throw it away, but lots of people throw marriages away even though that’s not God’s will:

God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6

God meant marriage to liberate you from the chains of loneliness. His warning about rebellion is clear—the Bible says marriage is for life, does anyone divorce without damaging themselves and their children? Why did God create marriage? What’s in it for God?

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm 127:3 ***

There is joy in marriage. A wife delights in having her husband want to open his heart to her, to hear her thoughts, to set her apart, and to use her knowledge and skills in their daily lives; a husband delights in having his wife want to open her body to him. There’s joy for the husband and wife, but God planned families primarily as a safe place for children to grow up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. God wants children to be taught about His love, that is, His nurture, and about His holiness, that is, His admonition. God desires that each child have both a mother and a father so that both sides of His character can be taught.

Divorce damages children who are God’s reward. It’s better to fix the marriage you’ve got than to rebel against God, but when a marriage is in trouble, the couple needs help to get back on God’s path. To help fix marriages, you must show how marriage works.

How Marriage Works

To understand how marriage works, let’s see how marriage began:

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:15-24 ***

There are interesting points here. First, God gave Adam a job before He gave him a wife. Ecclesiastes 9:9 says that a man’s portion is his work and his wife, that goes back to the beginning. A man should have a job before getting married. Second, God knew that it was not good for Adam to be alone. God could’ve made Eve right away, but He waited until Adam named all the animals without finding a help meet. God waited until Adam knew he was lonely before making Eve. And what happened? Adam claimed her on the spot, saying, "Want that! Gimmie!" Have men changed since Adam? Adam not only claimed Eve, he said she was part of him and named her "woman." Did Adam ask Eve what to call her, or did he just tell her? Have men changed? No, that’s how God made men.

Look beneath the surface, there’s lessons here. First, God waited until Adam knew loneliness. Adam was so lonely that he claimed Eve immediately. Girls, it’s not a good idea for you to chase a man, it’s better to wait for him to claim you as Adam claimed Eve. Second, and more important, what did Adam do to earn Eve? Did he ask for a wife? No, God recognized Adam’s need and gave him a wife. Men, I Corinthians 7:27 commands, "seek not a wife," wait for God to give you one. You can pray for a wife, but wait.

Did God owe Adam a wife? No, God owes no man. Did Adam earn Eve? No, she was a gift of God. Everybody knows a wife is a gift of God. Go to a wedding, some old geezer comes in with the bride, what’s he doing? He’s giving the bride away, she’s a gift. Luke 17:27 says, "they married wives, they were given in marriage…" Wives aren’t earned, wives are given as gifts from God:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14b

Many women feel it’s politically incorrect to belong to a man, but the wife in the Song of Solomon says twice "I am my beloved’s" (6:3, 7:10), she not only belongs to her husband, she’s happy about it. Whose are you anyway? To whom do you belong?

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. I Cor. 6:19-20

Saved women have been bought by the blood of the Lamb, they belong to God. If you belong to God, women, shouldn’t it be OK with you for God to give you to your husbands? Being a wife and mother is a vital ministry. God created women to be wives:

For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. [She was taken out of him, he wasn’t taken out of her.] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9

This verse has been twisted to say that a husband should command his wife, but that’s wrong, God wants a husband to nourish, cherish, and love his wife as Christ cares for the church. People must understand this. God created a wife for her husband, he’s not created for her, so she’ll know him better than he knows her, she’ll care more about pleasing him than he cares about pleasing her, she’ll understand him better than he understands her but he has to try. The wife doesn’t take a husband, the husband takes a wife, but he’s to open his heart to her, hear what she has to say, and take her in honor, commitment, and sanctification, as we’ll see later.

What did Adam do to earn Eve? Nothing, he didn’t earn her, it’s whoredom when a man tries to earn a wife. A man’s not worthy of his wife’s submission, she’s not worthy of his nourishing and cherishing her, marriage is a gift of God by grace, just like salvation.

That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s gracious gift to him and she acts as God’s gracious gift to him, but there are details you’ll have to teach. Let’s see what the Bible says about handling God’s gifts:

Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:8-11

God gives gifts as parents give gifts. Parents give children many gifts—books, toys, clothes, food. These gifts are conditional, parents get upset when children misuse gifts. I’ve heard, "You left your bike in the rain, you can’t ride for a week." Gifts come with strings attached, children must use gifts correctly or they lose the gifts. When a husband makes his wife unhappy, he loses the blessings of marriage. James 1:17 says God’s gifts are perfect and Eph. 5:20 commands us to give thanks for all things. Men gripe about wives’ emotions, talkativeness, and many other features. Men, God made your wives for your good. Just because you don’t understand how her emotions bless you doesn’t mean they aren’t good. Thank God for her emotions, husband, they bless you!

The Bible teaches that a wife is a gift of God, women are made for men. Genesis 3:16 teaches that a wife desires to belong to her husband and to know that he’s happy with her. It should be no surprise that the Bible also teaches many conditions God attaches when He gives a woman to a man to be his wife. What’s the key condition to making God’s gift of marriage work?

Only Praise

The answer is as simple as salvation. Salvation is two words, "only believe," that’s all there is. The way a husband loves his wife so that she can be God’s gift to him is two words, "only praise," that’s all you have to do. "Only praise," that’s all, no criticism allowed.

"Only praise?" That’s all it takes? Where’s that in the Bible? Didn’t Jesus warn about seeking the praise of men?

Yes, Jesus did say that we shouldn’t do things just so men would praise us, but He didn’t tell us not to appreciate others. Proverbs 27:2 says, "Let another man praise thee…" so we should praise other people, and husbands are commanded to praise their wives:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28 ***

Children don’t praise mothers unless fathers teach them, children learn to praise by watching fathers praise. Being praised by her husband and children is part of her marriage covenant. Praise is the gasoline which makes a woman go. There’s a saying, "Man may work from sun to sun, woman’s work is never done." What’s worse, woman’s work is always the same. A farmer’s work changes with the seasons, but washing, diapers, cooking, and cleaning are forever the same. How can wives do this day after year after decade? They’re fueled by appreciation, praise is the gasoline which makes women go.

The Song of Solomon shows how this works. The man praises his wife in mind-numbing detail. He praises the shape of her nose, her eyes, her teeth, her lips, her breasts, everything about her, in detail. A man can’t praise a woman effectively without knowing her well, he can’t know her without talking to her. His talk and praise make her feel loved so that she delights in his delight in taking her. And she does delight in his taking her, 8:3 says, "His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me."

There’s a subtlety, the Song of Solomon starts with the woman praising the man. A wife has to teach her husband how to praise her, men can be pretty clueless about what women want. When I first went shopping for my wife, she was surprised. She said, "Why’d you buy this?" I said, "You wanted beans." "I wanted green beans, these are kidney beans." She wanted tomato sauce and I got tomato paste. Women are more into details than men are, a woman simply can’t follow a man unless he explains all the details.

If he says, "Let’s go on a picnic," her mind fills with questions—how long will we be gone, do we need swimsuits, should I take toys, how many meals, and so on. The man’s likely to want to forget the whole thing, but that’s unfair, a woman must know details to make the picnic work. Over time, she’ll learn what he means by "picnic" and things will go smoothly if he tells her what he wants.

My wife could’ve gotten angry when I messed up her shopping list, but she spoke kindly to me and taught me how to care for her. I wasn’t totally ignorant, I knew it was better to make her happy than to make her unhappy, I received her teaching and loved her for it. Women, if a man tries to help you and you fuss at him, he’s less likely to help you next time, it’s better to teach him how to make you happy than to fuss. The way to do this, wives, is to praise your husbands so they’ll learn how to praise you.

As for learning from my wife, God commands husbands listen to their wives and act on what their wives tell them:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

You’ve taken medicine where the label says, "Use according to directions?" That means read the directions and do what they say. How does a man dwell with a woman "according to knowledge?" He listens to her, talks with her so that he knows what she’s saying, and acts on what she says. God is serious about telling you to listen to your wife. If you don’t use medicine according to directions, you might die. If a man doesn’t dwell with his wife according to knowledge, if he doesn’t give her honor, his prayers are hindered. Men, if you don’t listen to your wives, your prayers bounce off the ceiling!

Please understand, "listen" doesn’t mean, "obey." A man must listen to his wife and learn from her, which means reaching for her point of view. He hasn’t heard her until she understands him. When my wife’s satisfied that I’ve listened to her and that I’ve explained my thoughts to her, she’s almost always content with what we decide because she’s been heard, she knows why. It’s not a matter of she wins if we do what she suggests or I win if we use my idea, the point is to work together to figure out what’s best for the family. A man and wife are "no more twain, but one flesh," (Mark 10:8) the key is to talk enough to find out what’s best for the one.

Salvation is a gift of God, guys, but you must receive it God’s way or you won’t get the blessing, you can’t earn it. A wife is a gift of God, guys, but you must teach other men to receive their wives God’s way or they won’t get the blessing, a man can’t earn it.

God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her. Our quilt has a tag in a corner. My wife believes that the tag must be at the foot of the bed in my corner. She says the quilt isn’t square and one side has to be up. She gets out of bed and turns on the light and turns the quilt to get the tag to the right corner, then she turns the quilt above it so its tag is in the right place and so on and so on. She can’t sleep if the tag’s wrong.

Do I understand this? I do not. But I know it, I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it. This makes her feel loved for two reasons: a) she doesn’t have to move the quilt, and b) she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care, she knows I do it just for her. When a man does something just to make his wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to belong to him.

You heard me, I said "many times per day," women need huge amounts of praise because God did a super job designing their emotions so that they need praise from their husbands. But if a man keeps a woman happy by listening to her and praising her on her terms, guys, she shines love and happiness all around her wherever she goes. A man expects his wife to welcome him into her body several times per day, she expects him to welcome her into his heart several times per day. Her drive to hear his praise and for him to appreciate her talk is as important to her as his drive to take her is important to him. He expects her to meet his need to take her, shouldn’t he meet her need for conversation, praise, and appreciation?

Jesus said if we love Him, we’ll keep His words. If a wife says she likes vanilla ice cream and her husband brings chocolate, does he love her? The tricky part about praising your wife is knowing her well enough to be sure she’s pleased by your praise.

Suppose a man says, "The living room looks good. It’s about time it got cleaned." That’s a slam, men, that’s not praise, he’s saying his wife’s lazy. When company comes, a husband may say, "Oh, we’ll have something good to eat." That’s a slam, men, it suggests that her cooking usually isn’t good. Men, women are different from you, a man must let his wife teach him how to praise her, that’s part of dwelling with her according to knowledge of her.

Women have to help, men can be pretty clueless. Consider the quilt. My wife could’ve said, "If he loved me, he’d know how I want the quilt" but that’s like saying, "If he loved me, he’d flap his arms and fly to the moon." God said I wanted to please her, however, so she taught me how to please her by showing me the tag. I still can’t tell which way’s up on the quilt but the tag, I can find. If a woman nags, her man may decide that he can’t please her no matter what he does and give up. That’s why it’s "only praise."

There’s no criticism at all in the Song of Solomon. The wife praises her husband up one side and down the other, and he praises her. There’s no criticism at all. The Bible teaches, "only praise." Salvation is "only believe," not "believe plus something else." Marriage is "only praise," it’s not "praise plus criticism," or "praise where she deserves it, criticism where he needs it," it’s "only praise." Praise makes a man enjoy talking to his wife and it makes her enjoy belonging to him.

The only places where a wife criticizes her husband is when Abigail kept David from murdering Nabal by telling David that he wasn’t the sweetest guy in the world and where Michael criticized David for dancing. I know of no other passages where a wife criticizes her husband and I know of nowhere in the entire Bible where a man criticizes his wife, if you find any, please tell me.

The Bible is for our learning, we’re told to learn from the examples in the Bible. The Bible lights your path like a flashlight, but you have to turn it on. Without God’s word, you aren’t ready to help people with marriage. But now you know what to say when someone wants to fix a marriage, the Bible teaches that it’s "only praise." This works for children and church members, too.

Some people say "I have the gift of seeing problems," but being negative is the old man, it’s in the flesh, that’s what you put off with salvation. Praise, gratitude, sanctification, love, longsuffering, and honor are fruits of the spirit which a man must give his wife.

Guys, do you deserve salvation? No, salvation is by grace, you deserve the punishment of hell. Do you deserve your wife’s submission and her comfort? No, you don’t, your wife is a gift of God, given you as a favor from God:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

Do you believe what the Bible says about salvation? Do you believe what the Bible says about wives? You don’t deserve a wife any more than you deserve salvation, she’s a gift from God. You should thank God for giving her to you and thank her for being yours.

Commands to Women

We’ve seen how God expects a man to appreciate his wife as God’s gift, which requires that he praise her and talk to her so that he can live with her based on knowledge of her needs. What about God’s plan that the wife be God’s gift to her husband? Here it is:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24 *** Stay here!

Wives don’t just obey blindly, there’s discussion. Abraham didn’t just accept what God said, he bargained with God about how many saved people it would take to save Sodom and Moses asked God not to destroy the Jews in the desert. God appreciated the interaction. Men, this comes just before a passage which requires you to love your wife as Christ loves the church, we’ll see that in a minute, but let’s look at what men believe what this says about women. A man tends to interpret the passages about "one flesh" and the teachings on submission to mean that he can have his wife whenever he wants her. That’s a huge burden for women.

Deuteronomy 21:14 and Ezekiel 22:10 say that a man humbles a woman, that’s part of the cost of having a man in her life. Women suffer painful, itchy infections which can be life threatening. From when she’s a little girl, she’s taught, "Be clean, or you’ll get an infection." And a man expects his wife to let him mess with that part of her whenever he wants? It’s messy. It’s invasive. It’s intrusive. The Bible says it’s humbling. And worse than that, men, it’s boring.

Boring? How can the most wonderful thing in all the world be boring? Simple. The Bible says,

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

God did not say, "it is not good that the man should have unfulfilled desires," God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone." A married man need never be alone because his wife yearns to talk to him. She married him because she liked talking to him, she expected that they’d talk a lot more after they were married. The Bible suggests that talking is more important to God than taking, but the man thinks that once he’s married, it’s a done deal and he doesn’t have to talk about it any more.

God gave women a drive to talk to keep men from being alone, a woman’s drive to talk to a man is as strong as his drive to take her. There are many reasons why God gave women a drive to talk, let’s just say that a woman’s drive to talk is of God and that listening to her talk bores most men. You can explain that a man wants to take his wife five times before breakfast and then he’ll be back for lunch, I Corinthians 7:5 says it’s fraud if she doesn’t. God is just, a man reaps what he sows. If a man sows neglect of his wife’s need to talk to him all the time, he’ll very likely reap her neglect of his need to take her. A woman’s a mirror, not a light, she reflects whatever her husband gives her. If he gives anger and criticism, she’ll multiply it. If he gives love, acceptance, and praise, she’ll multiply it and fill the entire house with love and light. A woman’s a mirror, not a light, and her husband primes her pump.

God is just. If a wife’s drive to talk bores a man, why shouldn’t his drive to take her bore her? Men are bored that their wives want to talk about the same old thing over and over, wives are bored that their husbands want to do the same old thing over and over. It’s new and different and wonderful to the men each time, but it’s the same old thing to the wives.

Men, comforting you is messy, and humbling, and invasive, and boring. And it gets worse. When taking a woman, men get so focused, men get so fervent, that she may think, "He’s not paying attention to me, I could be any woman, it would make no difference to him." If a woman feels like an interchangeable sexual appliance, how is she going to enjoy belonging to her husband?

Sanctification of Wives

God commands husbands to know their wives well enough to set them apart, especially in bed:

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:3-5 Note: There’s disagreement about the meaning of this verse, see the context.

"Sanctify" means "set apart." The only way a man can set his wife apart is to listen to her and get to know her well enough that she’s "but one" to him as in the Song of Solomon. He must know what makes her different from all other women, or he hasn’t sanctified her. But if he does, their marriage shows Christ’s love for the church, which is the best way to win the lost.

What separates men from animals? Human beings communicate. Men who take a woman without communication, men who possess without knowing whether they’re doing right by her or knowing who she really is are no better than beasts. It’s worse than that, the Bible says "not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God," taking a woman without sanctifying her is being like those who don’t know God. How does a man know if he’s sanctified his wife? I Timothy 5:2 says to treat younger women as sisters. If a man’s attracted to other women, if he can’t treat other women as sisters, he hasn’t sanctified his wife. His wife should be "but one" to him, he’s not supposed to notice other women as women, if he does, he should spend more time with her.

Women understand this. If a man hasn’t sanctified his wife, if he hasn’t listened to her, she feels that any woman would satisfy him. This makes her feel like a whore. Being taken is always humbling; being taken by a man who hasn’t sanctified her is humiliating. And sanctifying her requires that he talk to her enough that she knows he’s set her apart from all other women.

Men, being taken is messy, humbling, invasive, boring, it can be humiliating, and there’s one other cost, being taken by a man makes a woman feel dependent. God made women for men. He made their emotions so that when a man takes a woman, she feels dependent on him, she loses her independence and feels that she belongs to him. This makes sense. God wants children to have fathers, one way to help children have fathers is to design women so that a woman clings to the man who takes her.

Men, comforting you is messy, humbling, invasive, boring, it can be humiliating, and it wipes out her independence. Belonging to her husband costs a wife a lot. Why, then, does the woman in the Song of Solomon delight in it? Why did Sarah gladly call her husband, "Lord?" What did their husbands do so that these women were happy to belong to their men? What are modern men not doing?

They aren’t praising. They don’t dwell according to knowledge, they aren’t sanctifying. The Song of Solomon teaches that a wife should rejoice in being God’s gift to her husband, but the husband has to treat her as God expects or he loses the blessing. The Song teaches men to praise in detail, but some of the language is a bit old-fashioned. Here’s a modern way to praise a wife, "I enjoy talking to you, your ideas and your way of looking at things always help us figure out what to do. I hope we can talk again soon." The corresponding praise from a woman is, "Thank you, my husband, I like being yours. Let’s do that again as soon as you can."

Loving as Christ the Church

Besides praise, listening, and sanctification, God also tells men to love their wives:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33 ***

The Greek work translated "love" is "agape," which is an active verb. Agape is not an emotion, a man does agape to benefit his wife as an act of will. God designed a woman’s emotions to draw her to her husband; God expects men to decide to care for their wives as Christ cares for the church. Men are to serve, nourish, and cherish their wives as Christ serves, nourishes, and cherishes His church.

In speaking of His people in John 10:29, Jesus said, "My father who gave them me…" We Christians are God’s gift to Christ in the same way a wife is God’s gift to her husband. How did Christ love the church? He gave His life for us. Remember the tradition, "Women and children first?" Although it’s a man’s duty to die for his wife if the occasion requires, Christ generally calls a man to live for his wife. As Christ will present His church to himself "a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle," a husband should help his wife to develop her gifts, draw on her talents, and help her grow to become the "glorious wife" God intended her to be.

Calling him "Lord"

The passage about loving as Christ loves the church ends by saying that the wife should reverence her husband. This troubles most women I know, but I’ll tell you a secret—it’s more of a burden on a man than on a woman. What? Telling wives to reverence their husbands burdens the men? It sure does. Here’s a similar passage which we’ll use for clarification:

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:1-6 ***

This teaches women to dress modestly and shows that a man can be won "without the word," that is, without criticism, by his wife’s behavior. That’s another way of saying "only praise." Calling a husband "Lord" praises him. Verily I say unto you, ladies, calling your husband "Lord" is an effective way to praise. How do I know? When we were dating, my wife started saying, "yes sir" when I addressed her. Not every time, only as the spirit moved her, but it sure made me feel worthwhile. Nothing makes a man stand like having a woman lean on him. A couple of our teen girls heard her, they were astounded to hear a wife call her husband "Lord."

I reminded them that God gave them wombs in which He plans to form children who will come forth from their bodies in the image of God. The Bible says that God created men and women in His image, but young ladies don’t seem to think of their babies as being born in the image of God. "A baby’s important," I said, "if you don’t feel the urge to call a man ‘Lord,’ why have his baby?"

For all it shocks young ladies to think of calling their future husbands "Lord," this is a greater burden for men than for women.

So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you? Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Jn 13:12-15*

Foot washing was the dirtiest, lowliest job around, worse than cleaning toilets, diapers, or carrying out the garbage. Our Lord washed His disciples’ feet to show us how to serve one another. Being called "Lord" means we’re to do the nasty jobs. There’s more:

But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45 ***

Who’s the chiefest in a marriage? Ephesians 5:23 says that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. We call Christ "Lord," He ministers to us, He gave His life as a ransom for us. The husband is head of the wife, she calls him "Lord," he serves her and ministers to her as Christ serves and ministers to the church. Being called "Lord" puts the man under great obligation.

What’s worse, men, we know we don’t deserve to be called "Lord," women honor us only by God’s grace. We don’t care for our wives properly, we don’t minister to them enough. Being called "Lord" reminds us what we should be. If a wife honors her husband and calls him "Lord" from her heart in love, she can encourage him to be conformed to the image of Christ.

How Marriage Works

Here’s a one-verse summary of how God planned that marriage should work:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67

A husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church and she comforts him. Isaac supplied the tent, a bride joins her husband’s family and takes her husband’s name as Eve called herself "woman" because that’s what Adam named her. Christ loves all sinners, but it doesn’t help unless a sinner knows Christ’s love. A wife has to know her husband’s love to be able to comfort him, the only way she can know his love is for him to choose to be eager to talk to her enough to get to know her well enough to praise her and sanctify her. A man can flatter a woman until after they’re married, but afterward, he has to learn to appreciate her in truth.

Here’s the bottom line, folks. The Bible teaches that husband and wife should praise each other and never, ever criticize. That may not seem reasonable, but salvation isn’t reasonable either when you think about it. And get this:

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart ... Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward. Psalm 19:7,11

Folks, you now know how to show anyone that God wants every married person to taste the joys of heaven right here on earth. God planned that marriage should bring joy, but you must do it God’s way. God’s formula may not seem reasonable, but there’s great reward. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him, marriage prospers when both parties thank each other and praise each other and appreciate each other as they thank and praise and appreciate God. Have an attitude of gratitude. "Only praise," that’s God’s Simple Plan for Marriage, nothing else works as well.