The Holiness of Marriage

God commands His people to be holy:

But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy. I Peter 1:15-16

God doesn’t ask the impossible, we can’t make ourselves holy, but the Bible goes on to tell us that Christians are holy:

Ye also, as lively stones, are built up a spiritual house, an holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices, acceptable to God by Jesus Christ. I Peter 2:5

How did we get to be holy? Was it by our own merits, was it by our built-in goodness? Did we earn it? In a word, no.

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. I Corinthians 6:9-11

Romans 3:23 and 5:12 teach that all have sinned. Romans 3:10 teaches that there are none righteous, but that we Christians are washed, we are sanctified, that is, made holy, in the name of the Lord Jesus. Jesus sanctifies His people, that is, it’s Jesus who makes us holy. Jesus prayed to His father:

Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth. As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world. And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth. John 17:17-19

We are sanctified through the truth the sacrifice of the blood of Jesus Christ:

By the which will we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. Hebrews 10:10

Wherefore Jesus also, that he might sanctify the people with his own blood, suffered without the gate. Hebrews 13:21

Some of you may remember the old hymn "He died that we might be forgiven, He died to make us good, that we might go at last to heaven, saved by His precious blood." The Bible teaches that blood is very important to God:

Whereupon neither the first testament was dedicated without blood. For when Moses had spoken every precept to all the people according to the law, he took the blood of calves and of goats, with water, and scarlet wool, and hyssop, and sprinkled both the book, and all the people, saying, This is the blood of the testament which God hath enjoined unto you. Moreover he sprinkled with blood both the tabernacle, and all the vessels of the ministry. And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission. Hebrews 9:18-22

Moses sprinkled the book of the law, that is, the Bible, and sprinkled the people as a sign that they would obey the Word of God. All of the equipment of the temple was sanctified to God by being sprinkled with blood. The Bible goes on to say, "And almost all things are by the law purged with blood…" Blood sanctifies and purifies:

For if the blood of bulls and of goats, and the ashes of an heifer sprinkling the unclean, sanctifieth to the purifying of the flesh: how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God? Hebrews 9:13-14

We Christians are sanctified once and for all by the blood of Christ, but before Christ’s death, people had to sanctify themselves so they could come close to God. Just before He gave the 10 commandments, God told the people to sanctify themselves:

And the LORD said unto Moses, Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, and be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. Exodus 19:10

There were people in the early church who believed that anything pertaining to the flesh was unclean. Is marriage unclean? Does coming together in marriage unsanctify you? The Apostle Paul had to deal with this question. He wrote:

Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4

Note the emphasis, marriage is honorable in all, everything related to marriage is honorable. Saying "in all" ought to have been enough, but lots of people must think that there’s something wrong with marriage, because God also said, "and the bed undefiled."

Marriage is distracting, abstinence might be beneficial during a time of prayer and fasting and focus on God, but marriage is not defiled. Not only that, marriage to a Christian sanctifies an unbeliever:

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. I Corinthians 7:14

Marrying a Christian doesn’t give an unsaved person a "get out of hell free" card, but it brings sanctification. The Bible commands that Christians not join with sinners; the popular saying is that one rotten apple spoils the barrel. This passage teaches that the marriage bond overrides the general command to separate from unbelievers because marriage is holy. What does it mean for the couple’s children to be holy? We’ll look at that in a bit.

We’ve seen that marriage is honorable and the bed is undefiled, that is, marriage does not damage sanctification, but sharing a bed defiles those who come together outside marriage:

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: I Thessalonians 4:3

God wants us to be sanctified, fornication, that is sexual union outside marriage, tears down our sanctification. There’s more:

What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. I Corinthians 6:16

Paul is saying that husband and wife are joined in marriage into one sanctified flesh; when a man joins himself to a harlot outside marriage, he pollutes the sanctification that God intends for his marriage. Let’s see what follows I Thessalonians 4:3

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: … For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. I Thessalonians 4:3-5, 7

Christians debate whether "vessel" refers to the man’s body or to his wife’s body. It’s true that a man should take care of his body, but it’s not reasonable to speak of a man "possessing" his body. I don’t possess my body, I am my body. Looking at other uses of the word helps understand difficult passages. The Greek word for "vessel" is used in one other place in the Bible:

For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:5-7

"Vessel" refers to the wife which makes sense, a "vessel" contains something. In the marriage relationship, the husband’s body gives and the wife’s body contains. "Vessel" refers to the wife, so I’m commanded to possess my wife in honor and sanctification. Before we go into that, let’s look at this "vessel" passage a bit more. After pointing out that Sarah called Abraham "lord," the Bible says "likewise." God expects husbands to dwell with wives according to knowledge as wives call their husbands "lord." What does it mean for a wife to call her husband "lord?" Does it mean that men are kings and wives are servants? In a word, No. Jesus said:

Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. John 13:13-15

A wife’s calling her husband "lord" means that he’s to serve her, not that she’s to serve him. There’s more proof of this:

If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all Mark 9:35

God wants His leaders to serve their followers. Who leads the most, that is, who’s expected to serve the most, in marriage?

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. I Corinthians 11:3

The passage starts with "The head of every man is Christ." Jesus commands His people to lead through sacrificial service; He served us by sacrificing Himself and by washing His disciples’ feet, He’s the greatest servant of all. A man’s loving, serving, sacrificial headship of his wife should be just like Christ’s loving, serving, sacrificial headship over him. The Bible gives more:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33

Men are sanctified members of Christ, a wife is a sanctified member of her husband’s flesh and of his bones (Genesis 2:23). Men are commanded to sanctify wives as Christ sanctifies the church. A wife calling her husband "lord" burdens him, not her. A man doesn’t’ deserve to lead his wife, she’s a gift of God. John 10:29 says that God gives Christians to Jesus, we’re God’s gift to Christ. Proverbs 18:22 says that a wife is God’s gift to her husband. A man’s leadership is a gift from God, he doesn’t earn it. God’s gifts must always be treated according to God’s rules. As Christ sanctifies His church; men are commanded to learn how to sanctify their wives:

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: … For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. I Thessalonians 4:3-5, 7

Christ sanctifies the church God gave Him, a husband must know how to honor and sanctify the wife God gave him. First, let’s look at what the Bible says about how not to possess a wife. The passage says, "not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:" The word "lust" means "intense or unrestrained craving" which is what animals do. There’s nothing wrong with a man desiring his wife, but he’s supposed to control his desire, it’s not supposed to control him. The Bible says:

I am my beloved’s and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10

The Hebrew word "desire" in this verse is used in Genesis 3:16 where God told Eve that her desire would be toward her husband. My wife’s desire to belong to me and my desire to possess her are both of God and both are good. The word "concupiscence" is used to translate a Hebrew word which means "controlling, overwhelming desire." The problem isn’t when a man desires his wife, the problem comes when desire rules him so that he doesn’t care about her feelings or wishes. God’s people aren’t supposed to be ruled by the flesh, we’re supposed to be ruled by the Spirit. If I desires my wife without honoring or sanctifying her, I’m acting purely in the flesh like a man who doesn’t know God or like an animal which knows only desire. In addition to desiring my wife, I must know how to honor and sanctify her so that I can possess her as God commands.

"Honor" means "high respect, as that shown for special merit; esteem: the honor shown to a Nobel laureate." Some words that mean the same are "reverence," "veneration," and "deference." Honoring a wife requires that a husband treat her as having special merit, venerate her, and defer to her needs. "What?" say the men, "give her what she thinks she needs? Letting her choose the biggest piece if she wants it?" That’s what the Bible says. Remember the other "vessel" verse?

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

This verse commands that a man honor his wife "as unto a weaker vessel." God knows that men are stronger than women, instead of a man feeling contempt for his wife’s weakness, he’s to honor her for it. Men, in any area where you’re strong, wherever you have a gift that your wife doesn’t, you’re to honor her and uphold her and cover for her in her areas of weakness. It’s obvious that most men are stronger than their wives, so the men should carry groceries and other burdens. Honoring a wife means treating her as special, deferring to her needs, helping her, and upholding her weaknesses in areas wherever you’re strong.

I know a wife who keeps losing car keys. Her husband fussed at her for a while, then he decided to take care of it, he bought 3 sets of keys. That was almost enough, but not quite, he bought a 4^th set. With 4 sets of car keys she can always find one and get going. Whenever he finds keys lying around, he puts them back where they belong. She does the other cleaning, he asks her whenever he wants to find anything else, but car keys, she can’t find. He honors her weakness by taking care of the keys.

After honor, what does it mean to "dwell according to knowledge?" I’ve taken medicine where the label says, "Use according to directions." That means read the directions and do what they say. How does a man dwell with his wife "according to knowledge?" He listens to her, talks with her so that he knows what she’s saying, and acts on what she says.

God’s serious about expecting me to listen to my wife. If I don’t use medicine according to directions, I might die. If I don’t dwell with my wife according to knowledge of her, if I don’t give her honor, my prayers are hindered. This doesn’t mean my prayers are ignored, it means that my prayers won’t work as well as they should. Here’s why. God made women to help men. If I don’t listen to my helpmeet, why would God believe I’d listen to Him if He answered my prayers? Suppose I’m praying for more business. My wife, my God-given helper, makes a suggestion and I ignore her. Why should God pay attention to my prayers if I don’t listen to the answer He already gave me through her? When Pilate was judging Jesus, his wife did her best to keep him out of trouble:

When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Matthew 27:19

Isn’t that just like a woman, expecting her husband to pay attention to her dreams! But he should have listened carefully!

"Listen" doesn’t mean, "obey." A man must listen to his wife and learn from her, which means understanding her point of view. He hasn’t understood her until she understands him. When my wife’s satisfied that I’ve understood her and that I’ve explained my thoughts to her, she’s sometimes content with what we decide just because she’s been heard. Suppose your doctor found you had a disease that would kill you unless you did something very complicated. No matter how hard it is, you’d listen very carefully and ask questions to be sure you got it because if you get it wrong, you die. That’s how God expects you to listen to your wife.

A woman doesn’t feel honored unless a man acts on what she says. God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her and take care of her. My wife can’t sleep if our quilt isn’t on the bed the right way. She gets out of bed and turns the quilt, then she turns the quilt above it and so on. I couldn’t tell the top of the quilt from the bottom. One day she found a tag on the quilt. She said, "Put the tag here." I still can’t tell the top of the quilt from the bottom, but the tag I can find. I put the tag where she wants it and the pattern takes care of itself.

Do I understand this? I do not. But I know it, I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it. This makes her feel loved for two reasons: a) she doesn’t have to move the quilt, and b) she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care, she knows I do it just for her. When a man does something just to make his wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to belong to him as in Song of Solomon 7:10.

There’s a subtlety, the Song of Solomon starts with the woman praising the man. A wife has to teach her husband how to praise her, men can be pretty clueless about what women want. When I first went shopping my wife was surprised. She said, "Why’d you buy this?" I said, "You wanted beans." "I said green beans, these are kidney beans." She wanted tomato sauce and I got tomato paste, I got cabbage instead of lettuce because it was cheaper. Men and women care about different things. Lettuce versus cabbage which doesn’t matter at all to me is important to my wife. But men, before you think women are unreasonable, think about asking her to buy car parts. Does your wife care about spark plugs? If you do care, you better say exactly what you want down to the part number before sending her out. My wife learned to write down brands and label colors when asking me to get groceries.

She could’ve gotten angry about the beans, but she spoke kindly to me and taught me how to care for her. She found a way to make her world of quilts meet my world. I couldn’t join her in her world of patterns, but she found a tag where I could join her, she met me halfway. I wasn’t totally ignorant, I knew it was better to make her happy than to make her unhappy, so I received her teaching and loved her for it. Women, if a man tries to help you and you fuss at him, he’s less likely to help you next time, it’s better to find a way to teach him how to make you happy than to fuss. There’s a saying that you can tell how long a man’s been married by how fast he runs out of the kitchen if he has to go there. This isn’t because it’s "her territory," it’s because she’s fussed at him there.

I admit that my being in the kitchen causes confusion, but she’s taught me to avoid really bad mistakes and my being in the kitchen gives her attention she wouldn’t get if I weren’t eager to be with her, even while she cooks.

Honoring my wife taught me that she can’t make honor, she can’t create love, she can’t make respect. But if I give her honor, if I give her love, if I give her respect, she multiplies them and reflects them back to me. A wife is a mirror, not a light, she can’t make honor, but she can sure multiply it. Every bit of respect I’ve given her, I’ve gotten back tenfold as she multiplies it. A happy wife fills the house with love and light, but her husband primes her pump by loving and honoring her first.

Men tell me, "My wife’s not worthy of honor." Sorry, guys, the Bible doesn’t say to give honor unto the wife as she deserves it or as she earns it, it says to give honor to the wife, it’s a gift of grace. The man should lead his home. God’s leaders lead by example. If a man wants honor, he should honor his wife so she can multiply it. Jesus multiplies our efforts as He multiplied the loaves and fishes but we have to get with His program. A man gets honor by giving his wife honor first, he gets love and respect the same way.

That’s how a man honors his wife, he listens to her, understands her, helps her understand him, and defers to her needs. But that’s not enough for God, the man must possess his wife in both honor and sanctification. What about sanctification? One meaning of "sanctify" is "to set apart for sacred use; consecrate." A man must set his wife apart from all others. The husband vows to be faithful to his wife, of course, but he must also treat her as special and set her apart from all other women:

There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number. My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. Song of Solomon 6:8

This man loves his wife so much that she’s the only woman in the world for him, there are women all over the place, but he’s telling everyone he knows that she’s the only one who matters. She’s but one, he’s sanctified her. How does a man do that? Read the Song of Solomon, you’ll see that the man praises his wife in detail. He praises her voice, her eyes, face, breasts, teeth, lips, navel, neck, feet, thighs, hands, and her nose. In fact, he says he likes everything about her:

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. Song of Solomon 4:7

What if there were a war and someone sent a spy who looked and acted like your wife’s double. Could you tell a stranger enough about your wife that he could tell which was your wife and which was the spy? Men, have you told your wives how much you appreciate every little detail? Sanctifying a woman means making sure that she knows you’ve set her apart, you have to tell her what makes her different from all the other women in the world, you have to tell her what makes her special to you and why you love all the little detail about her, that she’s "all fair, there’s no spot in thee."

Try detailed compliments, men, you’ll probably find that the little details that please you most are areas where she feels inadequate or insecure. We’d been married ten years before my wife told me that she’d always thought that certain parts of her figure were the wrong size. It took ten years of praise before she could ask me about it, even though I’d given her every reason to think I liked her a lot. Genesis 3:16 says that a woman’s desire is to her husband, one thing she desires is huge amounts of detailed praise. Proverbs 31:28 commands me to give her that praise; the Song of Solomon teaches me how to praise her. It’s all in the details.

But there’s more. "Sanctify" also means "To make holy; to purify." We know what purity is in marriage, that is, faithfulness between husband and wife, but what about "holy?" Is marriage holy?

How many of you’ve been to a wedding? The preacher opens with, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered in the sight of God to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony." The preacher thinks marriage is holy, do you? God commanded marriage, it’s important to God, does that make marriage holy? The Bible says that blood sanctifies:

And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission. Hebrews 9:22

"Almost all things" are purged with blood. The blood of Christ purges us of sin and makes us holy, what about marriage? There’s confusion today about what marks a marriage. God doesn’t give us a formula to go through to make us married, but He does tell us the defining moment when a couple becomes husband and wife:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67

Isaac and Rebekah were married the moment he took her, but they wouldn’t have been married without prior commitment. Rebekah promised to marry Isaac and he promised to marry whomever the servant found, that’s why they were married when he took her.

What about sanctification? When a man and woman come together for the first time, her blood is shed. This blood, which the Bible calls the woman’s "tokens of virginity," sanctifies her marriage if her man takes her in marriage, otherwise it’s just blood and they profane what should be God’s sacred marriage. Marriage is God’s holy covenant which is sealed and sanctified by the woman’s blood. That’s not all, there’s more sanctification in marriage than just the marriage itself:

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. I Corinthians 7:14

The mother sanctifies her child’s birth by shedding her blood. A woman sheds her blood to sanctify her marriage and she sheds her blood to sanctify her children, that is, to make them holy. There’s no need to baptize babies, they’ve been sanctified to God by their mother’s shed blood. Childbearing sanctifies the mother if she follows God’s program:

Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. I Tim 2:15

There’s yet more. Every month she’s not pregnant, a woman’s womb cleans itself at the end of her monthly cycle. Every month, her shed blood sanctifies her womb to prepare a place where God can mould and make a sanctified child. Every month, a woman who’s fallen into sin has a chance to start over again in purity if she repents from her fornication.

A man’s supposed to honor and sanctify his wife when he possesses her. Honor and sanctification are matters of the heart, it’s hard for a man to honor his wife properly if he doesn’t honor God first. If a man possesses his wife in pure desire without sanctifying her, the Bible says he’s acting like those who don’t know God.

There’s one final definition of "sanctify," and that’s "To make productive of holiness or spiritual blessing." When a man sanctifies his wife, that is, he possesses her in honor, and makes her feel special, she’ll delight in belonging to him, she’ll delight in his possessing her. This is hard for most wives to believe, but a husband’s possession is supposed to make his wife happy:

His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me. Song of Solomon 8:3

This woman wants her husband to possess her, she delights in belonging to him. Why? Because he praises her, he honors her, he appreciates her, he’s sanctified her in detail. Men, having a woman delight in being yours is a blessing indeed.

We’ve been told that most couples fornicate, that is, they come together before they’re married. This pollutes and defiles the marriage which God expected them to sanctify. What happens when men pollute the holy things of God? Ever hear the phrase "handwriting on the wall?" That’s from the Bible, let’s turn to Daniel chapter 5 and see what it was all about:

Belshazzar the king made a great feast to a thousand of his lords, and drank wine before the thousand. Belshazzar, whiles he tasted the wine, commanded to bring the golden and silver vessels which his father Nebuchadnezzar had taken out of the temple which was in Jerusalem; that the king, and his princes, his wives, and his concubines, might drink therein. Then they brought the golden vessels that were taken out of the temple of the house of God which was at Jerusalem; and the king, and his princes, his wives, and his concubines, drank in them. They drank wine, and praised the gods of gold, and of silver, of brass, of iron, of wood, and of stone. Daniel 5:1-4

The king used the holy vessels from God’s holy temple in a drunken orgy. What happened?

In the same hour came forth fingers of a man's hand, and wrote over against the candlestick upon the pilaster of the wall of the king's palace: and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote. Then the king's countenance was changed, and his thoughts troubled him, so that the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against another. Daniel 5:5-6

The king polluted God’s holy vessels. He saw the handwriting on the wall and was afraid. The king offered a reward to anyone who could read the writing. Nobody could, they were at a loss until the queen remembered Daniel. The king called Daniel who said he’d read the writing. Let’s pick up in verse 18:

O thou king, the most high God gave Nebuchadnezzar thy father a kingdom, and majesty, and glory, and honor: ... But when his heart was lifted up, and his mind hardened in pride, he was deposed from his kingly throne, and they took his glory from him: and he was driven from the sons of men; and his heart was made like the beasts, and his dwelling was with the wild asses: ... And thou his son, O Belshazzar, hast not humbled thine heart, though thou knewest all this; but hast lifted up thyself against the Lord of heaven; and they have brought the vessels of his house before thee, and thou, and thy lords, thy wives, and thy concubines, have drunk wine in them; and thou hast praised the gods of silver, and gold, of brass, iron, wood, and stone, which see not, nor hear, nor know: and the God in whose hand thy breath is, and whose are all thy ways, hast thou not glorified: then was the part of the hand sent from him; and this writing was written. And this is the writing that was written, MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN. This is the interpretation of the thing: MENE; God hath numbered thy kingdom, and finished it. TEKEL; Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting. PERES; Thy kingdom is divided, and given to the Medes and Persians. Daniel 5:18-28

Belshazzar polluted God’s holy vessels even though he knew better; God destroyed his kingdom. Hosea 4:6 says "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge." Couples today aren’t taught how seriously God takes marriage, are marriages being destroyed?

What happens when men and women profane God’s holy marriage? God doesn’t force us to do His will, He sets us free to choose to sin, but what happens? When the Children of Israel were in the desert, the Bible says:

But [the Children of Israel] lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tempted God in the desert. And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul. Psalm 106:14-15

When couples lust exceedingly for the pleasures of sin, God gives their requests, they get short-term pleasure, but God sends leanness into their marriages. Everything you see, DVDs, videos, magazines, what people do in movies or on TV, everything says that men and women were made for the pleasures of the flesh. Godly marriage offers great pleasure, but there’s a spiritual part to marriage. When couples profane God’s marriage, He sends leanness into their souls, when a woman profanes her womb by having an abortion, God sends leanness into her soul. God offers forgiveness, mercy, grace, and healing, but couples need to know to ask for it. What if they marry after he takes her, doesn’t that make it all right? Let’s see how fornication brings leanness into marriage:

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9

God made women so that they want to belong to men. Why did God do this? The Bible explains why God made marriage:

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm 127:3

God wants children, He created marriage as a safe place for children to grow up. God wants children to have fathers, one way to help children have fathers is for God to create women so that a woman clings to a man who takes her. When a man possesses a woman, she feels dependent on him. If he’s married her, if he’s sanctified her, she can accept his possession, but if they aren’t married or if he doesn’t praise, honor, and sanctify her, she has a very hard time giving herself to him as freely as they both want.

Halfway through her senior year, a young lady we know was ready to run away from home. She said, "There’s times when my dad explodes at anything I do, I bring the laundry through his room and he’ll swear at me. There’s other times when he’s so mellow nothing bothers him, but mom’s on edge, anything I do makes her mad at me."

Let’s see what the Bible says. Ruth had just told Naomi that Boaz had said he was ready to marry her. What did Naomi say?

Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Ruth 3:18

The man will not be in rest. Why was Boaz not in rest? Because he wanted Ruth. Our friend’s parents had fornicated before marriage; this wrecked their trust in each other. He knew she couldn’t resist him, he didn’t trust her to resist other men. She knew that he hadn’t sanctified her, she knew that he hadn’t promised to take care of her, she knew he had no right to take her, he was a thief, she didn’t trust him. She tried to avoid making love which made him uptight. When they did make love, he was mellow, but she was upset because she didn’t like feeling dependent.

Possessing his vessel in honor and sanctification is supposed to bring rest to both husband and wife, the husband because it means that his wife likes belonging to him and his wife because it reminds her how much he delights in her. But if she’s not sanctified, it fills her with fear so that she tries to avoid his possessiveness and may even walk out. Marrying her doesn’t fix the problem.

I know many Christian couples who fornicated before marriage, some have put it right and some have not. The solution is as simple as accepting salvation. Sinners must confess their sin, repent, and ask Christ to cleanse them in order to be saved. Healing a marriage from fornication involves two people, not one. They must recognize their sin of polluting God’s plan of marriage, confess to each other, forgive each other, confess to God together, and receive His forgiveness as one flesh. The Bible says:

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16

When you hear that a couple had sex before marriage, you must explain gently that they have to make it right with each other and then make it right with God, confession and prayer work together for healing. Confession, forgiveness, and prayer heal the marriage. So long as the foundation of the marriage is broken, that is, so long as either party won’t confess the fornication to the other and to God, I don’t believe anything can set the marriage on God’s path. Getting right with God is the first step; other improvements follow.

It’s humbling for a man to confess to God and to his wife that he wronged her, but that’s the first step in getting things right.

Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. James 4:10

God promises to lift me out of my sin, but I have to humble myself by confessing first, I have to take the first step.

Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. James 4:8

God wants to draw Himself close to us, but we have to take the first step, then He’ll do His part.

What does a woman do if the man won’t confess and put things right? I know a Christian couple who were living together, they planned to marry "someday," but had decided not to wait. After he took her, he somehow stopped talking about marriage. She realized that they were doing wrong, told him of her conviction, and stopped. She didn’t leave the apartment, she moved to another bedroom, but she’s stayed pure.

Do I believe she stopped? Mutual friends tell me how uptight and short-tempered he’s become. He’s not in rest because she quit giving him rest. Another reason I believe her, he’s started talking about marriage again. I just hope that he confesses and learns to sanctify her before they marry, marriage with a broken foundation won’t bring much improvement.

God wants every couple to taste the joys of heaven right here on earth. God designed marriage to bring joy, but you must do it God’s way, husband and wife must come together in honor and sanctification. God’s formula may not seem reasonable, but there’s great reward. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious, sacred, holy gift to him and she acts like God’s precious, sacred, holy gift to him, marriage prospers when both parties thank each other and praise each other and sanctify each other as they thank and praise God. That’s God’s Simple Plan for Marriage, nothing else works as well.