Perils of Premature Proclamation of Pairing

At most schools, young ladies watch closely how young men interact with other ladies. If a couple is has a couple of conversations of a half-hour or so, not only are they perceived to have paired off, their pairing is proclaimed the length and breadth of the student body.

That’s not a good idea, but it’s not at all surprising that women act this way. God created each woman as His special gift to a man:

For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9

the woman is the glory of the man. I Corinthians 11:7b

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

A prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14b

It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17

God designed many traits into women so that they would be pleased to belong to men. He made women smaller and weaker so that they would desire a man’s protection, He gave them monthly cycles so they would be accustomed to their bodies not being under their control, He gave them emotions to help draw families together and to build homes and churches. God did many wonderful things creating women for men, but His most potent method for making women belong to men was to make women yearn for a man’s attention and praise. There’s little a woman won’t do to please her man, particularly if he appreciates her and makes her feel special.

Since God made men so important to women, it’s natural that women pay close attention whenever a man seems drawn to another woman. Women are more monogamously inclined than men; once a man seems to have claimed a woman, it’s natural for other women to criticize any man who seems to pay attention to her and to lean on him if he shows interest in anyone else.

This is an excellent custom once a couple is engaged or married, but for unmarried women, there are perils.

Suppose that a young man isn’t serious, he’s not ready to settle down, he wants a toy rather than a treasure, he wants to play with you instead of staying with you. Given the propensity to proclaim pairings, all he has to do is chat with you a bit and he’s perceived and proclaimed to be paired with you. Having talked with him enough to be "paired," it’ll be hard for you to spend time with anyone else. He’s got you with very little investment or commitment on his part.

Consider the plight of an honorable young man who doesn’t want to treat you as a toy, not even by accident, and who wants to be careful of your emotions. Men are clueless, but every young man knows one thing about women: 1) he wants one. If a man wants to play with you for a time, he won’t care that he doesn’t know how to make you happy, but suppose he’s serious-minded. Instead of just looking at you and being attracted to your looks, he wants to explore your mind, your skills, your heart, your spirit, in short, he wants to know you well enough to care for you while enjoying your company without being perceived or proclaimed as paired.

An honorable man knows that your feelings are stronger than his and that he can engage your emotions without meaning to, particularly if others tell you how paired you are. Emotional fornication where you give your emotions prematurely is nearly as harmful as physical fornication, but how does a young man avoid it? Only by avoiding you entirely, which isn’t what you want.

A responsible man knows one more fact about women besides the overwhelming fact that he wants one: 2) an unhappy wife will make his life miserable

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. Proverbs 12:4

… the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping. Proverbs 19:13b

A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike Proverbs 27:15

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman Proverbs 21:19

Women are so difficult for men to please that God provided an entire book, the Song of Solomon, to teach men how to keep women happy. A wise man wants a woman who’s naturally happy with him the way he is. Men do change a bit after marriage, but not nearly as much as women hope. A sensible man wants you to know him well enough that he can be sure he pleases you naturally without having to pretend to be something he’s not, before permitting either of you the emotional commitment of "pairing off."

And what about you? God made you so that much of your happiness depends on your husband being pleased with you. It’s far simpler to please a man than to please a woman so this isn’t as much of an issue for you as for him, but even so, shouldn’t you pray that God will send you a man who’s delighted with the skills, interests, thoughts, ideas, and other gifts that God gave you? God commends a "meek and quite spirit" for women, but this isn’t a substitute for your basic personality, it’s something you put on, just as a dress does not replace your figure, it’s something you put on.

The better you get to know men without the perception of pairing, the more likely you are to find a man who delights in you for your own sake. You don’t want a husband who believes that God made you incorrectly and that he has to micro-manage sin out of every nook and cranny of your life instead of leaving your spiritual growth to the Lord:

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: Philippians 1:6

Even a man who knows that it’s God’s job to refine you will be tempted to mess with you if there are too many things about you he doesn’t like. Wouldn’t it be best to find a man who likes you the way God made you so you don’t have to pretend to be what you aren’t?

Premature pronouncement of pairing makes it difficult for you to get to know enough men well enough to see which traits are common to men and which traits are unique to one man. You can’t do much about the basic way God made men, if you don’t like that, don’t marry at all, but you can choose a man whose interests and desires focus naturally on you, that way he’ll be yours without your having to change your nature. After all, the more strongly your husband wants you, the more he’s yours:

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. Song of Solomon 7:10

For all it may frighten or amaze you, your husband’s desire for you is what makes him yours, his pleasure in opening hie heart to you in conversation and praise makes you his.

But you can’t get to know enough men well enough to choose who’s best for you if everybody pairs you up after a half-hour of conversation. You shouldn’t perceive any couple as paired until you see the ring, then you can proclaim it and promote it.