How Does God Judge Leaders?

How Does God Judge Leaders?

When the surviving Jews wanted to flee to Egypt after Jerusalem was taken, Jeremiah warned that they would be destroyed if they went to Egypt, but they didn’t listen.  They had worshipped the Egyptian goddess Isis, the “queen of heaven” who was also known as “Mother of God”[i] and they planned to keep doing it:

And when we burned incense to the queen of heaven, and poured out drink offerings unto her, did we make her cakes to worship her, and pour out drink offerings unto her, without our men?  Jeremiah 44:19

The women justified their idolatry by saying that their husbands did it so it was OK.  The women knew that the men were their leaders and were responsible for leading them in idolatry.  Adam, the man, caused the fall, not Eve, the woman (Ro. 5:18-19).  As men were with their wives in pouring out offerings to idols, Adam was “with her” in the garden when Eve ate the fruit (Gen. 3:6).

God made women to help men (Gen. 2:18) and most women are inclined to want to belong to a man for protection, praise, provision, and much else.  We wrote a chapter on how a man ought to treat his wife; I showed it to a grandmother.  She asked, “Do I have to read what you wrote about wives?”  She and her married daughters had talked enough that she knew what men want; she didn't have to read it.

She said, “If my husband treated me as you said, I would not only be willing to do what he wants, I would not only be glad to do what he wants, I would be proud and honored to serve him.”  That was a hint that the man’s behavior towards his wife has a lot to do with how the marriage goes.  Jesus said that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Mt. 11:30), shouldn’t a man make his yoke as easy and his burden as light on his wife as he can?  The Bible puts responsibility squarely on the man:

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9

God created women for men.  Whoever receives a gift from God is responsible for how it’s used.  Was it the Promised Land’s fault that the Jews ignored God’s rules about giving the land rest?  They were hauled off into captivity for 70 years and lost the blessing of God’s gift.

The divorce rate shows that something is wrong in how men were using God’s gift of wives.  We knew that God ordained salvation out of love for us.  If we try to get to Heaven our way, we go to Hell when we die.  We knew that God ordained marriage out of love.  If we try to do marriage our way, we can make life Hell on earth.  Christians need to know how God judges a man’s leadership of his wife and family.

Leadership

We men have let American society fall apart without earnestly contending for the faith (Jude 1:3).  When the Supreme Court ruled that the Bible could not be taught in public schools, where was Christian pressure on our legislators to change the law to put it back?

When my wife was young, her mother went to drug stores every week to make sure they weren't displaying immoral magazines.  When my wife asked why she stopped doing that, she was told the law had changed, the magazines were now legal.  Where was Christian pressure on our legislatures to put the law back?

We know that Christians can change laws; homeschooling is now legal even in California.  Where were we on abortion and gay marriage?  We didn’t contend.  We have sinned and our ancestors have sinned.  We need to acknowledge our sins as Daniel 9 and Nehemiah 1 acknowledged their nation’s sins, but individualistic Americans are not accustomed to thinking in terms of collective responsibility.

Instead of thinking of a family as a collection of cooperating individuals, however, and trying to convince their families, many Christian men seem to rule so minutely that their wives and children aren’t permitted to grow into their own convictions.  Forcing people to agree when they aren’t convinced forces them to sin:

Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth. ²³And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.  Romans 14:22-23

The Bible is amazing, look how much management and leadership it puts in few words.  Mrs. Lemuel tells her son how to run the kingdom in the first 10 verses of Proverbs Chapter 31.  Don’t mess with drink or with women, treat your people fairly, take care of the poor and any of your people who’re hurting.

Except for “Where there is no vision, the people perish:” (Pr. 29:18) every business book I’ve read traces back to these rules.  Hebrews 13:17 gives details of how leaders should lead and followers should follow.

Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.  Hebrews 13:17

I need money, so I sell my employer the right to tell me what to do.  They delegate that right to my boss.  When I'm at work, my boss has the rule over me and I must submit myself.  Pastors worry about perfecting saints for the work of the ministry (Ephesians 4:11-12), bosses worry about perfecting employees for the work of the business.  Pastors encourage saints to study the Bible, bosses encourage everyone to take courses to get better at what they do, and parents encourage children to study and to learn.

Does my boss give account?  Of course.  My boss is charged with turning money into software.  If the software isn't done on time, my boss will be in trouble.  If I behave so that my boss rules me with joy, I will keep my job.  If I behave so that my boss rules me with grief, I’ll be fired, which would be unprofitable for me.

Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.  II Timothy 4:2

Passing on the word handed down from On High is a major part of my boss’ job.  God’s leaders preach the Word of God, business leaders preach the word of the business, whether in season or not.  Management is serious about in season, out of season.  I know people who’ve turned down offers to become managers of fast food restaurants or Walmart because they’re accountable all the time.  If an employee doesn't show and they can't find someone, the manager comes in to do that job no matter what.

What about “reprove, rebuke, exhort?”  Leaders reprove people who don’t do right, they rebuke people who do wrong, and a major part of leadership is convincing people to just keep going.  Not all leaders realize that cheerleading, expressing thanks, praising, encouraging, and expressing appreciation are major parts of leadership!  Leaders who don’t do that well enough generally can’t rise very high.  Fathers who don’t appreciate well enough or encourage often enough tend to have frustrated wives and children.

Then we get to “all longsuffering and doctrine.”  My company has doctrines which tell how things should be done.  My boss has to make sure that everybody follows the company way.  People forget and need to be reminded.  This leads to longsuffering which is no more fun for a boss than for a pastor or a parent.

A “doctrine” is a belief or set of beliefs held and taught by a church, political party, or any other group.  All jobs have doctrines.  Electricians install wiring in a certain way.  Construction sites have a commandment, “Thou shalt not fix an extension cord with duct tape.”  OSHA will fine your employer if you do that.  Will that make your boss rule you with joy or with grief?  OSHA has doctrines about paper cups at water coolers; pizza parlors have doctrines about cleaning tables and cleaning restrooms.

We find doctrine everywhere.  The definition says, “or other group” which includes families.  Our family has a doctrine about taking shoes off in the house to make cleaning easier, other families don’t do that.  All families have doctrines which determine how they act at home and out in public.  Fathers are responsible for determining family doctrine; fathers and mothers are responsible for teaching and enforcing it.  Everyone needs to help the house move smoothly.  Hang up coats when they get home, rinse the sink after washing or brushing teeth, take dirty dishes to the sink instead of leaving them on the table, do whatever helps the household.

Accountability

My boss is accountable for getting projects done on time.  Is my boss accountable for everything I do?  That depends.  If my boss hasn't told me a company doctrine and I mess up, the boss is accountable for not telling me.  If my boss has told me, my boss is in the clear and I’m in trouble (Eze. 3).  In general, my boss is accountable for telling me what to do and I’m accountable for doing it.

It can be hard to tell whether someone got the word or not.  When an important company doctrine comes along, I’m notified log in to a website, read it, and check the “I agree” box.  That means I’ve read the document and agreed that I am accountable for following it.  Leaders are accountable for what they tell their people and their people are accountable for doing what they’re told.

Some bosses are tempted to get very involved in the details of their subordinates’ work.  Such bosses are often called “micromanagers” or “control freaks.”  Although some employees may need supervision at first, staying involved in the details makes it impossible for employees to learn and grow.  In the same way, pastors, husbands, and parents who stay too involved in the details of their followers’ lives keep them from growing.

Suppose my boss knows there’s a higher-level opening for someone with certain skills and recommends that I take a class to get those skills.  No matter how much my boss wants me to have those extra skills, it doesn't do my boss any good to want me to learn more than I want to learn.  Pastors and parents want very much for their children, parishioners, and other followers to accept salvation or follow Biblical commands.  No matter how badly these leaders want, it doesn't help to want it more than followers want it.  Leaders are accountable for how they lead; followers are accountable for how they follow.

What about God’s leaders?  Is that how God works?  Consider Moses, one of the great men of God:

Wherefore, holy brethren, partakers of the heavenly calling, consider the Apostle and High Priest of our profession, Christ Jesus; Who was faithful to him that appointed him, as also Moses was faithful in all his house. For this man was counted worthy of more glory than Moses, inasmuch as he who hath builded the house hath more honour than the house.  Hebrews 3:1-3

Moses was such a great man of God that the Bible compared his faithfulness to Christ’s!  Did Moses have to back off from being too involved in his followers’ lives?  Exodus 18:13-24 tells us how Moses’ father-in-law advised him to delegate as many leadership functions as possible so that Moses could get some rest and spend time and emotional energy on larger matters.

Did God hold Moses accountable for disobedience?  Yes, He did:

And the LORD said unto Moses, Get thee up into this mount Abarim, and see the land which I have given unto the children of Israel. And when thou hast seen it, thou also shalt be gathered unto thy people, as Aaron thy brother was gathered. For ye rebelled against my commandment in the desert of Zin, in the strife of the congregation, to sanctify me at the water before their eyes: that is the water of Meribah in Kadesh in the wilderness of Zin.  Numbers 27:12-14

For all his faithfulness, for all his efforts and frustration leading the children of Israel, Moses was punished for his rebellion by being kept out of the Promised Land.  God told Moses to speak to the rock, and Moses struck the rock instead.  He disobeyed God, and God punished him.  If I disobey my boss, I’m punished by a smaller bonus.  Bad things are written into my employee record, or I might be fired.

The phrase “as the Lord commanded Moses” appears 37 times in the first 5 books.  God appointed Moses ruler over the children of Israel.  God held Moses accountable for obeying God and for properly conveying His commands to the people.  The people often did as Moses said, but did they always obey?  No.  Korah wanted to serve God in a way that God had not commanded.  What happened?

And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.  Numbers 16:32

Did God hold Moses accountable for Korah’s sins?  No, God punished Korah.  Moses had told Korah what God had said, Korah chose to ignore it, so Korah was accountable for his choice, not Moses.

If I speak against my boss, I’ll get fired.  I must respect the position even if my boss isn’t always worthy of respect or agreement (1 Pe. 2:18).  In the army and in work, you must respect the rank, even if the person who holds the rank doesn’t seem worthy.  When Aaron and Miriam rebelled against Moses, God struck Miriam with leprosy (Num. 12:10) for arguing over position.  God commanded that each of the princes bring a rod to the tabernacle.  He made Aaron’s rod bud and bring forth almonds to show that God had chosen Aaron.

In spite of seeing that, and in spite of what happened to Korah, there was more rebellion:

And they journeyed from mount Hor by the way of the Red sea, to compass the land of Edom: and the soul of the people was much discouraged because of the way. ⁵And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. ⁶And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. ⁷Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people. ⁸And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. ⁹And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.  Numbers 21:4-9

This is a perfect example of God’s accountability.  The people “spake against God, and against Moses,” they were in rebellion against the leader God had given them.  They repented when God punished them with the serpents, but anyone who was bitten had to do something, they had to obey in order to be cured.  God held the people accountable for this, not Moses, because Moses had tried to rule as God commanded him.

What happened when the people wouldn’t go into the Promised Land when the spies gave a bad report?  Such disobedience would get me fired.  God didn’t fire them, He killed the 10 bad spies and had the rest of the people wander in the wilderness until the disobedient adults died and were replaced by new babies.  They trusted the bad spies instead of trusting God, evil communications corrupt good manners (I Co. 15:33).

It’s simple – God holds His leaders accountable for how they lead, that’s why the bad spies died.  He holds followers accountable for how they follow, that’s why the others died in the wilderness without seeing the Promised Land.  I account to God for what I do, and not for what others do:

So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.  Romans 14:12

The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own sin.  Deuteronomy 24:16

The leader is not accountable for what followers do so long as he has followed this pattern:

Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.  II Timothy 4:2

That’s what my employer expects of all managers, pass the word!  The Bible commands children to obey their parents, and honoring parents is the first command with a promise.  What’s the promise?

Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.  Ephesians 6:2-3

Does God mean that children will live longer if they honor their parents?  Where does the Bible give us an example of a young man who dishonored his parents and had his life shortened?

And Samson went down to Timnath, and saw a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines. And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife. Then his father and his mother said unto him, Is there never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well.  Judges 14:1-3

Samson knew that Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, had killed a Jewish man who was keeping company with a Midianitish woman (Nu. 25:7-8); he knew that as a Jew and particularly as a Nazarite, he shouldn't have anything to do with a Philistine woman.  He dishonored his parents’ admonition and went ahead.

What happened when he did it again?  Delilah betrayed him, he wound up in prison grinding grain, and finally pulled the temple down on himself.  His life was shortened because he dishonored his parents.

God gave us these stories for our learning (1 Cor. 10:11).  There are three types of people.  Some can learn from reading about others’ experiences.  Some can learn from being told about others’ experiences; that’s why we tell teaching stories.  And some have to grab the electric fence!  Christians should learn from the Bible.

Families

God has appointed men to lead their families.  That means, men, that you are accountable before God for how you lead.  Your families are accountable for how they follow, not you.  That’s a serious responsibility.

One of my goals in leading my wife is to make sure I don’t damage or blunt her desire to make me happy (1 Cor. 7:34).  God will hold me accountable if I damage her desire to serve me and to guide our house which He designed into her as His gift to me.  Jesus told men how to lead families and churches:

If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all  Mark 9:35

But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them.  But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.  Mark 10:42-45

Jesus came to earth to serve.  Our desire as Christians should be to follow His example.  A sensible boss ministers to people lower in the organization by making sure that they have the equipment, training, and tools they need and clearing away obstacles as they arise.

Women generally minister to their families as Christ ministers to His people.  You can serve your family at mealtimes by giving them the best of what’s available and taking your food last.  If you get a bonus at work, do you buy what you want or something she wants?  Do you lead by commanding or do you lead by setting an example of serving?  The Bible teaches that whatever you do to your wife, you do to Christ:

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.  Mathew 25:40

The wife is the least in your marriage.  If you fuss at your wife, or treat her harshly, you treat Jesus harshly.  If you honor your wife, if you praise, appreciate, and glorify her, you praise, honor, and glorify our Lord Jesus Christ.  God designed women so that your wife multiplies whatever you give her and gives it back to you.

Think about making babies.  You give your wife one tiny cell.  She nourishes what you give her within herself and gives you a baby with billions of cells.  Every cell of that baby has your mark in it (Gen. 5:3).  If you give her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if you give her a girl cell, she makes a girl.  We reap what we sow:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.  Galatians 6:7

Nowhere is this more certain than in dealing with a wife.  God gave women sensitive emotions so that your wife wants you to be pleased with her and so that she can tell whether you’re pleased or not.  Her emotions make her into a mirror; she’s not a light.

If you give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll use her power to vex your soul to death (Jud. 16:16), multiply your unhappiness, and give all your unhappiness back to you.  If you give her praise, appreciation, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness you give her and fill your house with your joy in her.  You reap what you sow to your wife, very quickly.  However you feel about her, that’s how she fills your house.  Sow a boy cell, reap a boy.  Sow a cell of love; reap a house full of love.

Family Doctrines

A husband must specify family doctrines and help his wife interpret and enforce them.

Authority

God expects a wife to bear children and guide the house (1 Time. 5:14).  She can’t guide unless her husband gives her a position of authority under him and over their children.  They must know that a command from her is a command from him.  For this to work, husband and wife have to talk enough that they’re in agreement on how situations should be handled.  She can, of course, say “I’ll have to ask your dad,” just as he should often say, “I’ll see what your mother thinks about that.”

One of my sons told a friend his mother had said he couldn't do something.  The friend said, “Have you asked your dad?”  My son said, “If I did, Dad would say. ‘Have you asked your mother?’ and then he'd check with her.  I’d get in trouble.”  Although I made many mistakes as a father, my sons did know better than to try to sow disunity between his parents or to disobey their mother.

When women don’t obey their husbands, their children don’t obey anyone.

Freedom to Guide the House

There are many things such as the carpet color, where to store the canned goods, or what meals to serve which the Bible leaves open.  God expects a woman to guide a house and it’s easier for her if the husband gives her as much freedom as he can.  Does it really matter how she organizes the kitchen for her convenience?  Does a wife appreciate micromanagement of her kitchen?

Lots of kids become picky eaters which can bring great frustration.  This attitude is forbidden by God:

Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving: For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer.  I Timothy 4:3-5

If you’ve thanked the Lord for the food, it’s sanctified to God, and is not to be refused or criticized.  Even if you don’t like a dish, you must teach your children to appreciate the labor and the love that went into making it.  How can your family experiment with new dishes which might be wonderful if your wife fears criticism?

We had a doctrine.  The child didn’t have to clean the plate in case we gave too much, but the plate went in the refrigerator came out at the next meal.  And the next meal, and the meal after that in stubborn cases.

When he was four, my son decided a few days before Christmas that he absolutely, positively would not eat his last spoonful of Spanish rice.  He’d eaten the rest, but the last bite was anathema.  We put it away, and brought it out, and put it away, and brought it out again.  This went on for four days.

Finally, my wife took our other son and drove off to grandmas for Christmas.  The holdout realized that I meant what I said, if he didn’t yield, he and I would miss Christmas.  He ate the last spoonful.

Why was my son so stubborn?  He actually liked Spanish rice.  What was going on?  Where did he get the strength of character to hold out for four days?  Ever hear of DNA?  Ever hear of heredity?  The Bible says, As is the mother, so is her daughter (Ezekiel 16:44) and that Adam bore a son in his own likeness (Gen. 5:3).  Where did his stubbornness come from?  From his mother and me.

Charge her Batteries

Praise is important to women, read Solomon’s Song to learn how it’s done.  Proverbs 31 describes a virtuous woman.  Preachers say that there are few “Proverbs 31 women,” but people forget how Proverbs 31 commands men.

Praise from her husband and children is part of being a virtuous wife, its part of the package, it’s her due.  Her works praise her in the gates (Pr. 31:31).  A woman can’t be a “Proverbs 31 wife” without praise from a “Proverbs 31 husband.”  A man may work from sun to sun; a woman’s work is never done.  How can she keep on keeping on?  Praise is the gasoline that helps a woman go, and even a poor man can do it.

Even unsaved singers know this.  There’s a song, “Take good care of my baby.”  One of the verses goes, “Just let your love surround her, make a rainbow all around her…”  That’s a good start, women expect to be surrounded by love, but here’s the key, “Just let her know you love her, be sure you’re thinking of her, in everything you say and do…”  What’s the basis of a man giving a woman rest?  Convincing her she’s loved by thinking of her, by being considerate of her, by operating according to her needs in everything he says and does.

Where does the Bible teach that?

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  I Peter 3:7

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Philippians 2:3-4

“According to knowledge” doesn’t mean “obey,” it means learn about her and take her things and needs into consideration.  That’s another way to describe “consensus management” – it’s based on knowing what your people can do and how decisions affect them, and getting them involved in working out plans for the future.

Be Consistent

The Bible and science both say that your kids are like you.  My father said that children were perfect mirrors, showing all their parents’ faults as my son’s stubbornness about Spanish rice showed my stubbornness.

Children show us the things we did wrong when we were children, and what’s worse, they show us things we still do wrong.  It’s humbling to admit to your own child that you blew it and that you’re trying to change.  Kids don’t expect parents to be perfect; I’ve never lost points with my children by confessing mistakes, but humbling yourself before a child or spouse is no fun at all.

Covering over mistakes or sins not only costs you points with God, it teaches your children that rules, doctrines, and the Bible are something you inflict on them but not on you.  God expects you to teach your children His word as He expects a pastor to teach His word to you.  No matter what you teach, what you do speaks so loudly your children can't hear what you say unless what you do is consistent with what you say.

The best way to teach obedience to God is by obeying God yourself and then point out the blessings of obedience as they occur.  That’s what Paul did:

But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully; but by manifestation of the tRuth commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.  II Corinthians 4:2

Paul was what we’d call “transparent” today.  He didn’t hide, people could see what he did.  He was honest about the word of God, and he knew that others saw that he walked properly before God (2 Cor. 5:11).

Soul Liberty

The American government has a concept “freedom of conscience.”  It means that if you have what lawyers call a “strongly-held conviction,” courts must give serious weight to it.  The government is not permitted to force you to violate a strongly-held conviction unless the government has a “compelling interest” in the matter.  Pacifists who are strongly convinced that killing is wrong do not have to join the army.

A son will “leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.”  He will then do as he thinks right.  You must convince him that your ways are right by doing what you teach and pointing out how obedience to God blesses you.

Your daughter will be given in marriage.  She will leave your home and guide her husband’s house.  She needs to be convinced that your ways are right so that she will seek a husband who leads her in God’s ways.  In both cases, you have to do what you teach and praise God for the blessings you receive.

Paul wrote, “Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men (II Cor. 5:11).”  Even with Heaven and Hell in the balance, Paul persuaded.  Your children can’t get to Heaven on your salvation, they must “work out their own salvation with fear and trembling (Phil. 2:12).”  Your children can’t live by your convictions, they need their own.  You have until they leave home to convince them that your ways are right.  If you talk about Bible commandments but don’t do them, why would they even consider obeying?

The Big Disconnect

There are three ways[ii] to get someone to do what you want:

Coercion – parents manage babies through coercion.  The babies wear whatever parents put on and stay where they’re put.  When they start to move around, parents use kid cages to keep them safe.

Conformity – as children get older, parents try to get them to want to please their parents.  Wise parents are careful about children’s friends because most of us tend to conform to our friends.

Conviction – the only long-lasting method is convincing your family to follow your ways.  The Bible praises conviction:

One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.  Romans 14:5

Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences.  II Corinthians 5:11

Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holyday, or of the new moon, or of the sabbath days:  Colossians 2:16

That passage not only praises persuasion, it shows how Paul made his example obvious to others.  We have to be careful to distinguish between “child” and “adult offspring.”

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.  Ephesians 6:1

Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.  Colossians 3:20

The command to obey ends when they’re no longer children and they’re on their own with respect to behavior.  The Bible doesn’t give an age, but Jewish tradition declares that a boy becomes an adult when he’s 13.  Their obligation to honor you never ends; you should behave honorably at all times to make it easy for your children to honor you and to make it easy for your wife to respect you and call you “Lord. (1 Pe. 3:6)”

Children need practice making choices.  If you dictate everything, they don’t get to experiment and they won’t learn to handle the consequences of their decisions as adults must.  When a decision doesn’t work as well as expected, you have to use it as a “teaching moment” to lead them to the right conviction.

This takes years.  Persuasion takes far more effort than coercion.  It has taken years for some of our offspring to understand the reasons for some of our convictions and to slowly become convinced that their old-fashioned parents were correct.  It’s hard to watch someone you love whom you haven’t persuaded do something which isn't going to work, but how else will they learn that your way is better?

Freedom of Conscience

Persuasion to conviction takes so much effort that we’re tempted to take short cuts and command or coerce instead.  Some pastors act like their authority and accountability extends beyond teaching the Word of God to controlling everything church members do.  We attended such a church twice.  We didn't settle there because the pastors had an intrusive view of their authority.  We were told that the pastors told the congregation what type of car to buy and got involved in decisions on which the Bible is silent.

Parents must exercise detailed authority when children are young, but as they grow older, you must give more and more of what Baptists call “individual soul liberty” to teach them how to make decisions.

Conscience, I say, not thine own, but of the other: for why is my liberty judged of another man's conscience?  I Corinthians 10:29

As your sons become men, husbands, and fathers and your daughters become women, wives, and mothers, why should your conscience judge their liberty in Christ?  Christ has set them free from the bondage of Satan and also from the bondage of others who want to control their lives in detail.

And that because of false brethren unawares brought in, who came in privily to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage: ⁵To whom we gave place by subjection, no, not for an hour; that the tRuth of the gospel might continue with you.  Galatians 2:4-5

  Why should you judge other Christians in details which are not addressed in the Bible?  For example, judging what people eat, drink, or which day they choose as a day of rest is not permitted:

Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holyday, or of the new moon, or of the sabbath days:  Colossians 2:16

If their consciences are illuminated by the Holy Spirit, judging them in matters where the Bible is truly silent usurps the place of the Holy Spirit in guiding their lives.  Too much coercion often drives your children or others you lead to wrath (Eph. 6:4) and to rebellion.

You must be unmovable, however, when the Bible is clear, no matter what it costs, even your life:

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.  I Corinthians 15:58

But Peter and John answered and said unto them, Whether it be right in the sight of God to hearken unto you more than unto God, judge ye.  Acts 4:19

Being Led of the Spirit

What about your wife?  She’s indwelt by the Holy Spirit (Gal. 3:28).  God speaks to women as well as to men.  An angel told Manoah’s wife about her coming son (Judges 13:3).  What about Pilate’s wife?

When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him.  Matthew 27:19

Pilate’s wife expected him to pay attention to her dreams.  He should have relied on her.  On the other hand, a wife must let her husband punish their children when necessary:

Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.  Proverbs 19:18

Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.  Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.  Proverbs 23:13-14

That’s hard.  As our children grew up, we went from coercion to conformity in that they were taught to please their parents.  The time came, however, that they started asserting their individuality in unacceptable ways.  My wife had to get me involved more deeply in the daily perils of parenthood.  I took a much stronger position than she.  That’s no surprise – mothers are made to comfort, not to correct – and she had to cling to those verses as I chastened her precious children.

If the father doesn’t get involved, the mother, in desperation, will try, but when she does, the father’s job is done poorly and the mother’s job is neglected.  That is not profitable for you.

The bottom line, fathers, is that you are accountable for how you lead your family.  God may not have called you to preach, but God gave you a wife and children to nourish and cherish.  Like a pastor, you must

Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.  II Timothy 4:2

You’ll teach Bible doctrine, house doctrine, and social doctrines about earning money and submitting to duly-appointed government authorities.  You must chasten physically as needed.  You’re accountable for how you lead, but not for how they follow, God holds them accountable for their choices, not you.  Why should their liberty be subject to your conscience in matters where the Bible is silent?  Consider:

And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.  Romans 14:23

Once your children start developing consciences and convictions of their own, forcing them to do something they don’t believe forces them into sin even if what they do is right.  Persuasion and conviction take much more time and much more effort than commanding, but that’s the only way your leadership will please God.

Leaders ae accountable for how they lead, followers are accountable for how they follow.

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[i] Will Durant, Caesar and Christ (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1944), 523.

[ii] There are actually four: compensation – you can pay someone to do what you want.  Employment adds compensation to help conformity, coercion, and conviction get the work done.