What Do Women Desire?

Christians disagree over the meaning of Genesis 3:16.  Some say that a wife desires to serve her husband and please him enough to make him glad he married her; others say that a wife desires to usurp her husband’s leadership role or to evade the authority over her which God gave him.

This verse describes something basic in the nature of women.  As engineers would have difficulty building bridges based on a wrong understanding of cement, couples have difficulty founding marriages based on a wrong understanding of the wife.  Many men treat their wives as if they expected to be usurped at any moment.  If women in fact desire to please their husbands, treating wives as usurpers is a cruel injustice which God hates (Job 8:3, Psalm 19:6).  Proverbs 21:3 says that God loves justice more than sacrifice; it’s vital to get this right.

Why it Matters

A man must be very careful what thoughts he allows to filter from his mind into his heart:

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:  Proverbs 32:7a

But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.  Matthew 15:18

A man’s heart attitude toward his wife makes a great deal of difference in how the marriage goes.  If he believes that God gave her a strong desire to please him, he can thank God for creating her that way and thank her for the many ways she works to make him happy.  When she tries to help him, he can accept her desire to help in good faith and talk with her long enough to determine whether it will work.

If, on the other hand, he’s convinced that she’s trying to defy his authority, he won’t be as appreciative of her and he’ll tend to see her efforts to help as misleading him or tempting him into sin.  Instead of appreciating her desire to help, he sees her trying to carry out her function of “help meet for him (Ge. 2:20)” as a “continual dropping (Proverbs 27:15)” as she tries to rain on his parade.

The harder she works to please him, the more subtle he thinks Satan is and the more skeptically he watches her.  A man can’t accept help from his wife on her own intiative if he continually looks out for hidden traps and snares.  There’s no way that a man can hide fear of being usurped from his wife over a long period of time.  This suspicious attitude towards a wife’s efforts to be a help meet makes her unable to fulfill God’s stated purpose in creating her!

God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden.  God gave both men and women a deep need for the kind of trusting, intimate relationship He had with them.  A married man needs that depth and openness in his relationship with his wife, and any idea that makes it more difficult for him to achieve that leaves him vulnerable to many temptations.  It also makes it harder for a man to relate closely enough to his wife to dwell with her according to knowledge of her.  Without that, his prayers are hindered (I Peter 3:7), which weakens his relationship to God and to his wife.

Thinking his wife is rebellious gives a man an excuse to blame his wife when anything goes wrong, just as Adam blamed Eve (Gen. 3:12).  Blaming her also lets him persuade himself that he needn’t follow God’s command to lead her by serving her (Mk. 9:35, 10:43-44).

What Does the Passage Say?

The verse says:

Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.  Genesis 3:16

God is teaching Eve about herself and explaining what will happen to her and to her daughters unto all generations, it’s not a command telling husbands to rule their wives.  Let’s examine the verse phrase by phrase:

Greatly Multiply thy Sorrow

Women generally have more sensitive emotions than men, God thereby greatly multiplies sorrow to women because their feelings are easily hurt, but the Bible also says:

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.  Proverbs 14:1

Emotions are the cement a woman uses to build her house.  There’s no logical reason for a woman to dedicate her life to serving her family and building her house, a woman runs on emotion.  Men, would you like being married to you?  Could you do what your wife does to take care of your home?  How are women able to do what they do?  Women build homes through showing love and emotion, women build churches through showing love and emotion, but they can’t build home or church unless they’re free to express their emotions.

Men often dislike women’s emotions, equating a woman’s feelings with being out of control or with being illogical.  As some women can’t understand their husbands’ drive for sex and try to “cure” his desire, some men can’t understand their wives’ emotions and try to “cure” her desire for companionship, communication, and understanding.

God does wonderful things in simple ways; He ended a battle using a sound.  He punished women by giving them emotions that make it easy for husbands to rule them while using those same emotions to give women the power to build home and church.  Men often view emotion as weakness, but I Corinthians 1:27 says that God uses the weak things of the world to confound the mighty.  God put strong emotions in women on purpose, it was not an accident or a punishment:

a prudent wife is from the LORD.  Proverbs 19:14b

“Prudence” means thinking ahead; the way a woman’s mind works, that is, her prudence, is of the Lord.  God made women think the way they do on purpose.  A man shouldn’t mess with his wife’s mind, the exact mixture of logic and emotion which God gives each woman makes her want to serve her family and build her home, asking only praise in return (Proverbs 31:28b-29).

Greatly Multiply thy Conception

If death hadn’t entered the world (Romans 5:12) women would not have needed to bear so many children to populate the earth (Genesis 9:1, Psalm 127:3).  Tradition says Eve had 50 children.  Even today, having 10, 12, or 14 children is only unusual, not extraordinary.  If nobody died, how many fewer children would women have had to bear to reach 4-5 billion people in 6,000 years?  God multiplied childbirth so that His creatures could populate the earth in spite of death.

In Sorrow Thou Shalt Bring Forth Children

A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.  John 16:21

Biologically speaking, this is absurd, pain is the most effective and most memorable teaching technique known.  Women suffer great birth pain yet generally forget about it, so much so that women biologists are often surprised at how their birth experiences are so different from what they know about learning through pain and remembering pain.  Forgetting birth pain is so natural to women that they don’t even think about how unnatural it is to forget such great pain.

Thy Desire shall be to thy Husband

This is the hard phrase.  Some say that a woman desires to belong to a man whom she can please and make him happy by exercising her mating instinct toward him (Song 8:3), others say that she desires to avoid the authority placed over her by God and to take over her husband’s role.  Some men treat their wives as if they expected to be usurped at any moment; others treat their wives as precious, undeserved gifts from God.  We’ll see what the Bible says about difficult passages in a bit.

He Shall Rule Over Thee

This ends God’s explanation of women’s situation.  As women give birth in sorrow and travail, men generally rule women.  Men may rule harshly or may rule gently, they may rule in the flesh or in the spirit, but rule they do.  As giving birth brings joy, a man’s leadership should bring his wife joy (Ecclesiastes 9:9, Song of Solomon 1:2, 2:16, 6:3, 7:10, 8:3).

Wives can be extremely frustrated by a husband who can’t make up his mind what to do or realize that something has to be done without prompting.  In extreme cases, a woman may be tempted to take leadership to protect her children when her husband won’t lead, but that’s a last resort.  It’s not generally something she wants to do and it can be extremely frustrating but may become a habit if it happens too often.

God knew that men would be away on hunting trips from time to time so He gave most women an ability to lead when necessary, but this shouldn’t be the usual pattern.  In such cases, a woman’s view becomes, “Lead, follow, or get out of the way.”

What Does the Passage Mean?

God’s predictions of sorrow, pain in multiplied childbirth, and being ruled by men are true in the simplest, most literal sense; they describe the basic, universal, worldwide condition of women, saved or unsaved, rich or poor, educated or ignorant.  These circumstances do not pass away when “all things are made new (II Corinthians 5:17)” in salvation.  Saved women have the same birth pains as unsaved women, and confessing Christ doesn’t mean that a farmer will have fewer weeds in his field.

The universality of the other phrases suggests that “thy desire shalt be to thy husband” is true in the same universal, basic way.  Whatever it means, it’s no light, occasional thing, it’s as fundamental as the travail and pain of childbirth or weeds in a field.  The Bible teaches us how to understand difficult passages:

Search the Scriptures

Search the scriptures; for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me.  John 5:39

The scriptures give us eternal life and teach us about Christ and God.  The Bereans were praised for searching scripture, not for relying on other sources.  Paul asked, “What sayeth scripture?” (Romans 4:3, Galatians 4:30) and persuaded from scripture (Acts 28:23), so let’s search the scriptures to see whether believing that women desire to usurp their husband’s leadership role agrees with the rest of the Bible.

Genesis 30:1 has Rachel telling Jacob, “Give me children, or else I die.”  I Samuel 1:1-8 tells us that even though she knew her husband loved her, Hannah desired children so badly that she wouldn’t eat.  Proverbs 30:15-16 declares that the empty womb is never satisfied.  These passages show that women desire children.

I Corinthians 7:34 says that a married woman desires to please her husband.  What are women like?

It is not good that the man should be alone.  I will make him an help meet[1] for him.  Genesis 2:18

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing,[2] and obtaineth favour of the LORD.  Proverbs 18:22

For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.  Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.  I Corinthians 11:8-9

A man who finds a wife finds that God has favored him.  Women were created for men, a woman wants to help her man and to be his glory.  A wife is a gift from God; her husband “obtaineth favor of the Lord,” her desire to make him happy is part of the gift.  Men don’t earn wives.  A husband receives his wife as he would receive any unmerited gift made just for him, don’t preachers say, “Who giveth this woman unto this man?”

What does God say about His gracious gifts?

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.  James 1:17

If a woman’s drive to usurp were as basic as the pain of childbirth, she couldn’t be a good and perfect gift.  Like men, women may act in the flesh.  There’s no sin a Christian can’t commit including usurpation, tyranny, or murder (II Samuel 11-12).  A woman’s nature is to be a good and perfect gift; why else would men want them so badly?

Each wife has her own strengths and weaknesses, of course, and personality differences may make it hard for her to follow her husband.  Suppose that a husband is an extreme neatnick, an “innie” who has a place for everything and wants everything in its place.  Opposites attract, so is wife will probably not be naturally as neat as he is.  She might be an “outie” who wants everything out in the open where she can see it when she needs it.  It will be hard for her to follow her husband in all the ways he wants the house kept, but to doubt her basic character when she acts in the spirit is to impute variableness to God, and God doesn’t change.

the woman is the glory of the man.  I Corinthians 11:7b

How could the woman glorify the man if she were a usurper?  How could a usurper be his crown?

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband:  Proverbs 12:4a

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.  Proverbs 31:11-12

How could a husband’s heart safely trust a woman who wanted to take over his position and thwart him?  Why would she do him only good and not evil if she was a usurper?

Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.  Hebrews 13:4

Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?  Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh.  What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 19:4-6

How could there be honor in marriage if half the “one flesh” unit were trying to usurp the other’s role?

Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe: let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love.  Pro. 5:18

Be blessed by a usurper?  Rejoice with a usurper?  Be ravished always with the love of a usurper, be satisfied at all times with her?  I Corinthians 7:4 gives a wife power over her husband’s body.  Would God give such power to a usurper?

Delilah and Jezebel have become synonymous with untrustworthy women; some men appear to assume that their deeds are typical of all women.  While usurpation may characterize a woman’s sin nature, dictatorship and tyranny often characterize a man’s.  God’s people have cast off their old ways:

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.  II Corinthians 5:17

For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.  II Corinthians 5:21

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:  Philippians 1:6

Once a woman accepts Christ into her heart, she becomes a new creature and the Holy Spirit begins a “good work” in her.  Regardless of her former state, the blood of Christ washes a saved wife clean.  A saved woman is no longer slave to sin (Romans 6:16-18), but believing that her basic nature is to usurp denies the Holy Spirit because salvation doesn’t relieve the declarations of Genesis 3.  A saved woman has as much pain in childbirth as a lost woman.  Salvation doesn’t reduce the weeds growing in a farmer’s field.  God’s pronouncement goes beyond salvation.  Saved or unsaved, marriage is wonderful:

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.  Proverbs 30:18-19

Proverbs 30:18-19 shows that a woman is a good and perfect gift from God (James 1:17), a gift so wonderful that not even inspired writers could describe it.  Although women may usurp either in the flesh or when men won’t lead, usurpation of a role God gave another, being sinful, can’t be part of a woman’s God-ordained nature, how could she be a good and perfect gift?  How could she be suited to help him?  How could a man receive favor from the Lord by cleaving to a usurper?  He can’t, women weren’t created as usurpers.

Study the Context

Having searched the scriptures, we have to consider the context, that is, the nearby verses, in which the passage comes.  The account of the sin that came before teaches a different interpretation:

Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made.  And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.  And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.  Genesis 3:1-6

Adam was given authority to keep the garden and was told not to eat the fruit of one specific tree (Genesis 2:15-16).  Eve chose to disobey both her husband’s authority as keeper and God’s authority as creator by eating the forbidden fruit.  She was deceived into thinking she would be better off knowing good and evil.

Adam caused the fall by disobeying God and defying His authority (Rom. 5:12, 15, 17, 19).  This happened before God spoke Genesis 3:16.

Eve disobeyed Adam’s authority as keeper of the garden before Adam’s disobedience caused the fall, so a desire to defy his authority could not be a post-fall circumstance.  The predictions of Genesis 3:16 are unique to women, whereas the sin of disobedience is common both to men and women.  “Thy desire shall be to thy husband” can’t be a new attribute of defying her husband because she had already disobeyed her husband’s authority, so it must mean something else.

Furthermore, changing Eve’s nature so that the woman to whom he was so strongly attracted, who completed him, and who took away his loneliness (Gen. 3:12) would defy her husband and seek to evade his wishes would be a severe punishment of Adam.

The situation of Genesis 3:16 is familiar to any parent—wrong was done, justice must follow.  God questioned everybody, heard their excuses, and is pronouncing sentence.  Genesis 3:14-15 lists the serpent’s penalty of being “cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field.”  In verses 17-19, God cursed the ground for Adam’s sake.  Nothing is said about the man’s or serpent’s character, how can God’s words to the woman be about her character?

If “thy desire” were a character trait, the following “and he shall rule over thee” would have to say “but he shall rule over thee” meaning that a husband would overcome his wife’s rebellion.

Some say that the Hebrew word translated “desire” has a negative connotation; this may be true from a woman’s point of view.  Women desire men so strongly that a wife’s happiness depends on her husband being happy with her (Proverbs 31:28b).  Being ruled by a bigger, stronger man and depending on him for food is one thing, but having her happiness depend on her husband’s happiness with her is a punishment of an entirely different order.

She didn’t follow God’s perfect leadership; God placed Eve under her husband’s imperfect leadership and, even worse, changed her emotions so that her happiness depended on his approval.  A woman suffers deeply from slight criticism or a mildly disapproving look or expression of annoyance from a man because her nature is to strive to please men.

Study Other Uses of the Word

Having looked at the context, it’s time to consider other uses of the word in question.  According to Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, the Hebrew word translated “desire” in Genesis 3:16 is used in two other places, one of which describes the relationship between men and women:

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Song of Solomon 7:10

A man’s desire toward a woman can get out of control and lead to great sin, David committed adultery with Bathsheba and murdered her husband as a cover-up (II Samuel 11), of course, but the Bible praises it:

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, … the way of a man with a maid.  Pro. 30:18-19

His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:3

Few men would claim that a man’s desire toward his wife is sinful.  Inconvenient, maybe, to a woman, but not sin.  If a man’s desire toward his wife is too wonderful to describe, how could a woman’s desire to her husband be sin?  Might God have intended a wife’s desire to her husband to be as constructive as her husband’s desire toward her?  A man’s desire for his wife leads him to want to care for her if she acknowledges, encourages, and supports it by belonging to him.  For women to claim that a man’s desires are sinful or animalistic is as unjust as for men to claim that women are usurpers.

A woman may find her husband’s desire for her unacceptable unless he’s careful to make her feel precious, appreciated, and sanctified; a man may find his wife’s desire to please him and to care for him inconvenient and annoying unless he takes the time to explain his wants and needs to her.  If she knows his heart, her efforts to please him succeed, bringing joy to both.  Isn’t this what God intended?

Proverbs 30:18-19 addresses a common mistake about men.  Many wives feel that a man is no better than an animal, and that a woman must cure her husband’s “obsession” with sex.  This shows the symmetry of the ways men and women can misinterpret each other—as some men distrust their wives’ desire, some women abhor their husbands’ desire.

God put symmetry in the relationship between men and women.  Wives seek to please husbands (I Corinthians 7:34); husbands seek to please wives (I Corinthians 7:33).  A married person’s body belongs to the spouse (I Corinthians 7:3-4).  A woman’s desire is to her husband (Genesis 3:16) a man’s desire is towards his wife (Song of Solomon 7:10).  Men and women even misunderstand one another in symmetrical ways, men think wives are usurpers and women think husbands are animals.

Men tend to be more competitive; women tend to be more cooperative.  It’s natural for a man who has a built-in desire to lead his family to believe that his wife has the same desire even if usurping his role is the furthest thing from her mind.  Similarly, it’s natural for a man with a built-in desire to possess his wife through sex to believe that she has the same desire even when sex is the furthest thing from her mind.  As women generally desire sex much less than men do and desire to talk a lot more, they generally have a much weaker desire for leadership.  It’s unjust for a man to assume that a woman shares his desire for leadership.

“Desire” describes the desire of a woman to belong to a man and the desire of a man for her to belong to him.  God’s design for marriage is balanced, these desires must be either both good or both bad.  The Bible praises the desire of a husband for his wife, so both desires must be good.  A woman’s “desire” to her husband cannot possibly describe something as sinful as usurpation.

The Song shows how a man’s desire for his wife benefits her.  The wife seeks instruction from her mother

I would lead thee, and bring thee into my mother's house, who would instruct me: I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate.  His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.  Song of Solomon 8:2-3

Her mother teaches her to bless his fountain!  Encouraging her husband’s possessiveness focuses all his energies on her.  He’s sanctified her by declaring that she’s “but one (Song 6:9)”  This makes it hard for other women to get his attention and makes him so eager to come home that he’s leaping and skipping (Song 2:8).

Similarly, if a man fulfills his wife’s desires, she will enjoy belonging to him.  There is no joy this side of heaven for a husband and wife to delight in belonging to each other.

The third use of “desire” comes in Genesis 4:7 where God is explaining why Cain’s sacrifice was rejected:

If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door.  And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.  Genesis 4:7

God is telling Cain that Satan desires to take hold of him by tempting him to sin.  I Peter 5:8 compares Satan to a roaring lion who seeks to devour all of God’s people, and in Luke 22:31, Jesus told Peter that Satan wanted to sift him as wheat.  If the desire of a man towards his wife and the desire of a woman to her husband are as powerful as Satan’s desire to deceive, these desires are powerful indeed.

How Should Men Rule?

Let’s work backward from the last pronouncement, “he shall rule over thee.”  There are few prophecies whose truth is better shown than the prophecy that men will rule women, but what did God have in mind?  How does God expect men to rule?  Scripture tells us:

If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all and servant of all  Mark 9:35

But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them.  But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.  For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.  Mark 10:42

Jesus came to earth to serve.  Men are often amazed at how freely women minister to their families as Christ ministers to His people.  Should a family be led as Jesus commanded or should parents impose the worldly leadership which Jesus condemned?  The Bible describes worldly leadership:

And when he was now not far from the house, the centurion sent friends to him, saying unto him, Lord, trouble not thyself: for I am not worthy that thou shouldest enter under my roof: wherefore neither thought I myself worthy to come unto thee: but say in a word, and my servant shall be healed.  For I also am a man set under authority, having under me soldiers, and I say unto one, Go, and he goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my servant, Do this, and he doeth it.  Luke 7:6-8

This verse is usually preached as an example of faith because Jesus praised the man’s faith, but it also describes worldly leadership.  The centurion knew that Jesus had authority over all creation, including sickness.  He expected the sickness to obey Jesus’ authority without question or discussion as he expected his soldiers to obey his authority without question or discussion.

God wants His leaders to lead by serving their followers.  Who leads the most, that is, who’s expected to serve the most, in marriage?

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.  I Corinthians 11:3

The passage starts with “The head of every man is Christ.”  Jesus tells His people to lead through sacrificial service; He served us by sacrificing Himself and by washing His disciples’ feet.  A man’s loving, serving, caring, sacrificial headship over his wife should be just like Christ’s loving, serving, sacrificial headship over him.  Servant leadership works only on those who desire to be led.  It would not be possible to lead a wife by serving her if she desired to thwart her husband’s leadership.  If she wanted to usurp, the passage would read, “thy desire shall be to thy husband, BUT he shall rule over thee” instead of saying “and.” The Bible gives more:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies.  He that loveth his wife loveth himself.  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.  This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.  Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:25-33

Men are members of Christ’s body, of His flesh, and of His bones, a wife is a member of her husband’s flesh and of his bones (Genesis 2:23).  Men are commanded to nourish and cherish wives as Christ nourishes and cherishes the church, men may even have to die for their wives.  Christ sanctifies His church; men are told to learn to sanctify their wives:

That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:4-5[3]

How does Christ treat us as we’re drawn to Him?

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

Give Her Rest

According to Strongs, the Greek word translated “rest” means “intermission, take ease, rest,” which is the same “rest” Naomi wanted Ruth to find in marriage (Ruth 1:9, 3:1).  Naomi desired not just food, or shelter, or even love, but rest for her beloved daughter.

How does a wife find rest?  Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…”  As men find rest in Christ, wives should find rest in their husbands.  Accepting salvation means taking Christ’s yoke upon you and learning of Him.  When a woman marries, she takes her husband’s yoke upon her and tries to learn of him so she can please him.  All wives know what this means.

God made women for men, a married woman cares how she may please her husband (I Corinthians 7:34).  Men, your bride took on the burden of learning to please you.  A wife can’t be happy, she can’t be in rest under your yoke unless she’s convinced that she’s pleasing you and you sanctify her by showing her over and over that you’re happy with her and that you’re resting in her.  Are you meek and lowly in heart toward your wife as Christ is meek and lowly in His heart toward you?  Do you help her learn of you so she can rest in assurance that she’s pleasing you in all that she does?

Servant Leadership

We’re supposed to follow Christ’s example (I Thessalonians 1:6).  Christ doesn’t demand, or use force, or coerce, He doesn’t bash the door down.  He expects submission from the heart.  We choose to open or not:

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.  Revelation 3:20

And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, in meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; and that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.  II Timothy 2:24-26

Husbands, are you “the servant of the Lord”?  When your wife doesn’t do as you wish, are you gently apt to teach, patient, in meekness persuading?  No matter how many hours or days it takes?  Her ways are not your ways.  God is patient with us; sometimes it takes us years to understand the simplest things in His Word.  Should men be less patient than our Savior, He who was our example?

Husbands, is your yoke easy, is your burden light?  Are you meek and lowly in heart toward your wives?  Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;” do you make it easy for your wife to learn of you?  She can’t know she’s pleasing you, she can’t rest under your yoke unless she knows she’ll please you.  Do you spend the hours and days needed to explain the cares of your heart as you spend hours in Bible reading to learn of Christ?  Does your wife find rest unto her soul in you as you find rest unto your soul in Christ?  We’re to love our wives as Christ loves us, our duties as husbands are plain, if difficult.

Persuasion

We’re to follow Paul’s example (I Corinthians 4:16, 11:1, Philippians 3:17), how did Paul use his God-given Apostolic authority?

Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.  Romans 14:5

Wherefore, though I might be much bold in Christ to enjoin thee that which is convenient, yet for love’s sake I rather beseech thee, ...  Philemon 8-9

Paul didn’t command, he begged because he loved Philemon and wanted Philemon to choose to do right.  Should men follow Christ’s loving example and meekly teach and persuade their wives (Galatians 6:1) or should they rule by decree, accusing women of “carnal fits” should they dare to question?

God tells men to honor and sanctify their wives, ruling as servants (John 13:5).  Men shouldn’t dictate, they’re commanded to instruct in meekness, persuade, and to dwell according to knowledge (I Peter 3:7).  Being “subject one to another” (I Peter 5:5) requires that a husband subject himself to his wife’s needs as commanded in I Timothy 5:8.

Benevolent, serving leadership works only if a woman wants to follow her husband.  Persuasion works only on those who’re willing to be persuaded and works best on those who desire to be persuaded.  God’s commands are difficult but not impossible; it would be impossible for men to lead women through service and meek persuasion if women truly desired to usurp.

It’s never easy to be a meek servant leader because the temptation to “save time” by barking out orders is so strong.  It’s nearly impossible for a man to lead his wife through service as God commands if he suspects that she’s usurping.  We’re to judge teachers by their fruits (Matthew 7:15-20), tyrannical, harsh leadership can easily be the fruit of teaching husbands that wives are usurpers.

When submission is demanded of women, the action may be right, but whatever is not of faith is sin (Romans 14:23).  Submitting because a man demands it is idolatry because she’s looking to her husband rather than to God.  When a woman believes God and submits to her husband from her heart, when she pours herself out in response to her love for God, it’s Godly submission.

What Does “Thy Desire” Mean?

The Bible explains what women really want:

she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.  I Corinthians 7:34b

There are three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things say not, It is enough: the grave; and the barren womb; …    Proverbs 30:15b-16a

Women generally care more about pleasing their husbands than husbands care about pleasing wives.

Society lies to young ladies about the joys of careers; God says that women desire to please a man and bear his children.  “He setteth the solitary in families.” (Psalm 68:6); women desire to form families into which God can set solitary men.  Women’s magazines are filled with ads and articles about products designed to appeal to men; don’t the men who spend the money on advertising know that women desire to please men and to receive attention and praise from men (Proverbs 31:28-29, much of the Song of Solomon).

Women don’t need men, unmarried women live longer than married women while unmarried men die younger than married men.  Women see how their mothers, sisters, and friends are treated, women know that marriage means much work for them and can bring great sorrow.  Knowing this, why do women marry?  Because a woman desires to belong to a husband who appreciates her as God’s gift to him (Proverbs 18:22), gives her rest, and fills her womb.  That’s what women desire: appreciation, praise, rest, and children.

And what husbands do women choose?  Non-athletic men complain that attractive women seek athletes.  Women seek the strongest husbands they can find.  Why?  To make it easier to usurp his authority?  Women aren’t stupid, a woman seeks a man whose strength she can respect.  The more she respects him, the easier it is to follow his leadership as she desires and the easier it is for her to obey him and call him “lord” (I Peter 3:6).  If a woman doesn’t respect a man enough to call him “lord,” why have his baby?

There’s another reason for women to be interested in athletes—a strong man is more likely to live long enough to help her raise her children.  A woman who thinks of the future knows that it will take 20-25 years for her to raise her children to the point that they can fend for themselves, she needs a man who’ll last that long.

The Bible teaches that a woman desires to please her husband.  If a man sets his wife free to please him as she desires, she’ll serve him in ways he could never imagine to command.  One young man was pondering his qualifications for church office.  He read:

Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well.  I Timothy 3:12

“Wife,” he asked, “do I qualify, I don’t rule you, I hardly ever tell you what to do?”

“Yes,” she said, “you rule me utterly.  Your ways aren’t natural to me, but we’ve talked enough that I know how you want things done.  Just about everything I do, I know how you want it done and I do it your way.”

She desired to please her husband and chose to serve him out of love as Christ chose to die for sinners out of love.  Learning of her husband so that she had confidence that he’d be pleased with her made her husband’s yoke easier and his burden lighter as learning what Christ expects of us makes His yoke easy and His burden light.  Her husband had talked with her enough that she could follow him but not enough to realize how his preferences ruled her.  It hadn’t occurred to him that there was any way other than his way.

Once he realized how hard she worked to please him, he asked which of his ways were the hardest for her.  They found many things where his way was a lot harder and the difference between her way and his way wasn’t worth her extra work as far as he was concerned.  Changing back to her ways in some areas lightened his yoke as she learned more of him.  She’d always accepted his rule, but because he didn’t realize how much he was ruling her, his yoke wasn’t as light as it should have been.

This is careless leadership.  David made the same error, but that’s no excuse, we have the Bible:

And David longed, and said, Oh that one would give me drink of the water of the well of Bethlehem, which is by the gate!  And the three mighty men brake through the host of the Philistines, and drew water out of the well of Bethlehem, that was by the gate, and took it, and brought it to David: nevertheless he would not drink thereof, but poured it out unto the LORD.  And he said, Be it far from me, O LORD, that I should do this: is not this the blood of the men that went in jeopardy of their lives? therefore he would not drink it.  These things did these three mighty men.  II Samuel 23:15-17

David wrote, “The Lord is my shepherd,” he poured the water out to the Lord to teach his men to point their desire at the true leader.  David “longed” for a drink of Bethlehem water.  He didn’t demand, he didn’t even ask, but his “mighty men” risked their lives to give him his wish because their desire was to please their leader.  A wife desires to please her husband and may read much more into his words than he meant.  Any leader must speak with care, watch carefully what his people do, and point them at the Lord!

Husbands, are you willing to take the time to help your wife learn of you?  Her desire to please you is so strong that she yearns to talk to you enough to learn how to please you.  That’s a lot of talk, it’s measured in hours per day.  God promises that your heart can safely trust in your wife, do you trust God enough to open your heart to her in faith that she desires to please you rather than to hurt you?

Your wife wants to please you, but she can’t live by your convictions, you must persuade her (Romans 14:5).  Can you give her time, space, and conversation to help her develop her convictions?  And then help her live by her convictions even if they aren’t the same as yours?  Romans 14:23 says “whatsoever is not of faith is sin.”  If you force your wife to follow your convictions without persuading her, she’s in sin because she’s following what you want rather than following what she believes God wants.  Husband and wife become one and end up sharing each other’s convictions, but this takes time.  Similarly, Christians should grow in grace and show the image of Christ, but this, too, takes time.  Isn’t that why God allows Himself to be longsuffering?

What, then, do women really desire?

Genesis 3:19 says, “In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread.”[4]  There was no provision for Eve to eat.  Women aren’t strong enough to hunt or farm; a woman desires that her husband provide for her and for her children (I Tim. 5:8).

Proverbs 30:16 states that an empty womb is never satisfied; a woman desires procreation.  Having been given children, she desires paternity in that he should stick around and help her raise their children.

Genesis 24:67 “Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent…”  A woman desires a place.

Few men understand their wives many needs; few women have the words to explain.  We’ve prepared a devotional listing verses which describe dozens of wifely desires so that husband and wife can discuss them together.  This will help him dwell according to knowledge of her (I Pe. 3:7) and, in drawing closer to God by discussing His Word, they’ll draw closer to each other.

Many verses suggest other things women desire from their husbands:

Present – a woman expects him to treat her as a gift from God (Pr. 18:22, Ecc. 9:9, I Col. 11:9, Ge. 2:18)
Prayer – she expects him to lead her in prayer; prayer brings wisdom (I Thess. 5:17-18, Psalm 127:1, James 1:5)
Provision – she expects him to provide food, clothing, and shelter for her and for her children (I Tim 5:8)
Protection – she expects protection from his passions, her emotions, and from all external threats (Heb. 13:6)
Procreation – she expects him to appreciate her children as her finest gift to him (Ps 128:3)
Paternity – she expects him to be emotionally, financially, and logically involved in helping her raise her children (Gal. 4:1-2, Pr. 19:18, Pr. 23:13, Eph. 6:4, Heb. 12:7-9)
Passion – his desire should be towards her and towards her alone (Song 7:10) and she expects to delight in it (Song 1:2, 8:2-3, Pr. 5:18-19)
Pleasure – she desires physical pleasure from him (Song 1:2, 8:3, Gen. 18:22)
Praise – she desires that he appreciate and praise (Pr. 18:22, Pr. 31:28-29) all of her efforts on behalf of her family and to help him
Partnership – she expects him to share the responsibility of educating, cleaning, raising, and guiding her children (Gal 4:2, Ep 6:4)
Participation – she wants to know everything he does, to be involved in all decisions, and to use her gifts to bless him (I Cor. 7:34)
Patience – she expects him to spend as much time as it takes for him to talk to her enough to understand her (I Pe. 3:7)
Peculiarity – he should know and rejoice in her unique, feminine peculiarities, to delight in how God made her different (Pro 19:14b)
Perception – she expects him to understand and appreciate her gifts and to enjoy her unique way of expressing herself (Pr. 18:22, James 1:17)
Pleased – she cares deeply that he be pleased with her (I Cor. 7:34)
Pleasure – she expects him to enjoy talking with her and to delight in opening his heart to her (Jud. 16:15, Pr. 31:11, I Cor. 7:3)
Plan – he must explain where he’s going clearly so that she can follow him in confidence that she’ll please him (Pro 29:18)
Persuasion – she expects him to persuade her (Ro. 14:5b, 14:23b, II Cor. 5:11, Phi. 1:9a)
Part – she expects to be a vital part of his life, to be the axle on which his wheel of his life revolves, to be the tail on his kite (I Cor 11:3, 8-9, Mt. 19:6, Mark 10:8)
Place – she expects a place to live, a place in his life, and a place in his heart (Gen. 24:67, Ruth 4:12a, Boaz had a house)
Peer – the world says that men and women are the same; the Bible says they are not (Gen 1:27, Matt 19:4, Mark 10:6)
Peace – she expects him to treat her gently (Deu. 28:56a) so that her heart can find peaceful rest in belonging to him (Ruth 1:9)
Potential – she expects him to better himself throughout their married life and help her better herself (II Tim 2:15)
Purity – she expects him to value (Pr. 31:10) and guard her purity both before and after marriage (Heb. 13:4)
Privacy – she expects him to value her thoughts and to keep the innermost thoughts of her heart to himself (Pro 11:13, 20:19)
Perfection – she expects him to treat her as a perfect wife (Son 4:7, James 1:17, Pr. 31:28-29)
Possession – she expects him to belong to her and she to him (Song 2:16, 6:3, 7:10)

A man expects the “three warms,” a warm heart, a warm bed, and warm meals.

False belief does great harm

Naomi wanted Ruth to find rest in marriage (Ruth 1:9, 3:1).  Naomi desired not just food, or shelter, or love, but rest for her beloved daughter in belonging to her husband as Christians find rest in belonging to Christ.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

A man can’t give his wife rest if he believes that she’s a usurper:

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:  Proverbs 32:7a

But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.  Matthew 15:18

A man’s heart attitude toward his wife makes a great deal of difference in how the marriage goes.  If he believes that God gave her a strong desire to please him (I Corinthians 7:34), he can thank God for creating her that way and thank her for the many ways she seeks to make him happy.  When she tries to help, he can accept her desire to help in good faith and talk with her to determine whether it will work.

If, on the other hand, he’s convinced that she’s trying to defy his authority, he won’t be as appreciative of her and he’ll tend to see her efforts to help as misleading him or tempting him into sin.  Instead of appreciating her desire to help, he sees her trying to carry out her function of “help meet for him (Ge. 2:20)” as a “continual dropping (Proverbs 27:15)” as she tries to rain on his parade.

The harder she works to please him, the more subtle he thinks Satan is and the more skeptically he watches her.  A man can’t accept help from his wife if he continually looks out for hidden traps and snares.  There’s no way that a man can hide fear of being usurped from his wife over a long period of time.  His suspicious attitude towards her efforts to be a help meet makes her unable to fulfill God’s stated purpose in creating her!

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.  Proverbs 14:1

A woman can’t build her house unless her husband trusts her enough to set her free to build.  The Bible says nothing about a man building a house because men aren’t equipped to do that.  Although men set overall policy, men can’t build God’s house either.  If a couple visits and the women don’t feel rest in the church, the wife knows immediately and won’t want to come back.

I’ve heard many incidents which suggest that when women ask questions about carrying out ministries or guiding the house, many men act as if they think that questions are a sign of rebellion.  I suspect that they act that way because they think that women are usurpers rather than being God’s unmerited gift of a help who is meet for him.

This false view of women hurts marriages and harms churches.

How should a man see his wife?

When God looks on us, He doesn’t see our sins, He sees the righteousness and purity of His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Ps. 103:12, I Cor. 6:11).

God’s gift of grace means that He and His son treat us as if we were perfect  (Ephesians 5:25-27).

Eph. 4:31-32 tells us to forgive each other as God forgives; Eph. 5:1 commands, “Be ye therefore followers of God.”  God forgives completely; He forgets our sins (Ps 103:12, Is. 43:25, Heb 10:17, Eph. 5:25-27).  When God takes away our sins, what’s left is perfect.  God treats us as if we were perfect.  If we’re to follow God, and God treats each of His people as if we were perfect, we should treat our spouses as perfect.

After all, a wife is a gift from God (Pr. 18:22), and God gives good and perfect gifts (James 1:17).

Impossible Commands

Although His commands can be hard to obey, God never gives impossible commands.  There are many commands which would be impossible if wives actively sought to defy and betray their husbands.

Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.  Philippians 2:2

How could a church assembly be likeminded, be of one accord, or be of one mind if half the congregation sought to defy the other half and usurp authority?

That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.  I Corinthians 12:25

It is impossible for a church to be without schism if wives are seeking to overthrow their husbands.  An attitude of rebellion would also make it impossible for members to have the same care one for another.

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.  Galatians 3:28

If women were habitually seeking to defy their husbands, there would be an irreconcilable difference between male and female, and it would be impossible to be “all one in Christ Jesus.”

Why would King Lemuel preserve “the prophecy that his mother taught him (Proverbs 31:1)?”  Why would “Her children arise up, and call her blessed (Pro. 31:18) if fathers taught that mothers seek to usurp authority?

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.  Ephesians 5:25-30

Do true Christians habitually flout Christ’s authority over His church?  How can a man love his wife as Christ loves him if he’s convinced she’s planning to flout his authority?  The implication is that a wife is “holy and without blemish” as stated in the Song of Solomon 4:7.  How can a man love his wife as he loves his own body if she’s a usurper?  This verse reminds us that a wife is a member of their “one flesh (Matthew 19:6)” unit.  That’s simply not possible if she’s constantly seeking to defy him.

Why Do Men Think That

Given that the Bible teaches that a woman’s nature, saved or unsaved, is to want to please her husband, why do many pastors and scholars believe that a wife’s basic nature is that of a usurper?  Because they’ve seen so many wives usurp their husband’s authority or seem to.  There are 6 main causes for this:

1)    When a man won’t lead, his wife feels that someone has to.

2)    When a man won’t explain in enough detail, it’s impossible for her to follow.

3)    The man stole her innocence and her sanctification through fornication before marrying her.  That makes it hard for her to trust him enough to follow him.

4)    When a man is involved in either adultery or pornography, he’s cheating on her.

5)    If he habitually yells at her or their children or expresses anger in any other way she cuts herself off from him because opening herself to a man who hurts her is too painful

6)    If a man won’t allow his wife to help him, denying the God-given reason for creating her in the first place makes her seem rebellious when she pushes ideas in desperation or depresses her so deeply that she despairs of life itself.

7)    She’s been deceived.

If a husband won’t lead, a wife who wants to protect her children from inaction gets into “lead, follow, or get out of the way” mode and takes over.  Strictly speaking, this isn’t usurpation because her husband abdicated his leadership role, but it looks that way.

A wife can read her husband’s heart but not his mind.  A wife can’t follow her husband unless she understands his direction in detail.  Mothers of young children especially need details.  For example, if a husband says, “Let’s go on a picnic,” his wife’s mind fills with questions.  She wants to know where they’re going and what she’ll find there.  Are there bathrooms?  Is there a playground?  How long will we be gone?  How many diapers will we need?  How many meals?  Should we bring swimsuits?  If she runs out of diapers or food, her husband will be unhappy even if it was his fault because he didn’t tell her the plan.

These things will be needed.  They’ll either take space in the car or they’ll have to be bought.

Many husbands seem to regard questions as rebellion as opposed to a sincere desire to understand the plan.  Coming to mutual understanding takes a great deal of time because men and women think so differently, but understanding is essential so a wife can follow.  If a husband doesn’t explain in detail how he wants things done, he shouldn’t blame his wife when she does the best she can to figure out what he wants and gets it wrong.

Genuine rebellion is often rooted in a man’s failure to properly sanctify his wife.  Step one in possessing a wife in sanctification and honor is marrying her before taking her.  When a man violates God’s command that sex is reserved for heterosexual marriage by taking her outside marriage, he possesses her in the lust of the lost (I Thessalonians 4:4-5).  He may have received his request, but God brings leanness into his soul (Psalm 106:15).  A man reaps what he sows to his wife rapidly and painfully.

Even if he marries her later, she knows he’s a thief because he took her before the time appointed of the Father.  This makes it hard for her to trust him, which leads to schisms in the family, which leads to schisms in the body.  He feels that she enticed him into sin; after all, “She wanted it!” and he can’t trust her or God either.

The entire creation groaned when Adam blamed Eve for his sin (Romans 8:22); a man’s marriage relationship groans when he blames her for his stealing her.  A man who won’t take responsibility for that sin finds it hard to take responsibility for leading his family.  A man who can’t lead his family in proper servant leadership finds it hard to serve other leaders such as pastors.

A wife suffers just as much if her husband turns to pornography either before or after marriage.

A man who possesses his vessel in the lust of the lost is likely to rule her by the lash of the lost.  After having explained how lost authorities exercise power, Jesus said:

But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.  Mark 10:43-45

Servant leadership works only on those who are willing to be led.  Jesus would not have commanded His husbands to lead by serving if His wives were destined to rebel.  Servant leadership works because God gave women a desire to please their husbands, but a woman who’s been taken without sanctification feels like an interchangeable sex toy or a whore whose only value is her body.  She won’t want to submit; her husband will tend to force her.  It’s hard to criticize a woman who seeks to evade that sort of self-serving, arrogant tyranny.  What else could “lust of concupiscence of those who know not God” mean?

The cure, of course, is given in the Bible:

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.  James 5:16

This is very difficult.  It’s one thing to confess our sins to God to accept His forgiveness.  In this case, confession must be made to spouse, affected in-laws, parents, and pastors who were misled.  This is harder than confessing only to God, but we know several couples who did this and their relationships were healed.

The last possibility is that women may have been deceived.  When God cursed the ground for Adam’s sake, He said, “In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread (Gen 3:19).”  How was Eve going to eat?  By the sweat of Adam’s face, but only if she could please him well enough for him to be willing to work to feed her.

After the fall, natural selection more or less guaranteed that women had to please their husbands to survive at all.  Although it's hard to imagine how things were before the industrial revolution, the key point is that women aren't strong enough to farm and they can't hunt because crying babies scare away the game.

In a muscle-powered farming or hunting society, the only way a woman can avoid starving is to find a man who'll feed her.  We’ve always known this.  The Japanese character “man” combines the characters for “strength” and “field.”  The man provides the strength in the field.  Women are no more equipped for muscle-powered farming than they’re equipped for armed combat.

When I was growing up in Japan right after WW II, Japanese wives tried very hard to please their husbands even if they hated them.  Why?  Natural selection required it.  Women who starved had fewer children than women who didn't starve; natural selection favored women who could please men enough for the man to feed them and favored men who were willing to feed women.  Pleasing a husband was a matter of life and death – if she didn’t please him and he left her, she and her children could starve.

Let’s see how being deceived could make women care less about pleasing husbands.  Why did Eve eat the forbidden fruit?  Because she was deceived (I Tim. 2:14).  What did Satan offer Eve?

And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.  Genesis 3:4-6

All the other trees were pleasant to the eyes and good for food, but Satan told her that eating this tree would make her wise.  She wouldn’t need Adam or God to tell her what to do, she herself would know good and evil.  Satan offered Eve independence!  Women’s liberation!  In the garden, Eve could pick all the food she wanted.  After the fall, her husband had to feed her.  No matter how independent she may have felt, no matter what she knew of good and evil, she had to please him in order to eat.

Since the late 1960’s, women have been able to get jobs which pay enough to support themselves so they don’t need to depend on men.  The Women’s Liberation movement sprang out of women not wanting to have to please husbands.  To be fair to women, a lot of men treated their wives pretty badly, but instead of reforming the men, Satan tempted the women’s libbers to go to war with the men.  This has damaged our society.

Children are damaged by liberated women.  God expects a woman to give three gifts to her children.  Although death in childbirth is less common than it was, it happens.  A pregnant woman walks the valley of the shadow of death.  She puts her life on the line to give her child life.

A father is the second gift God expects a woman to give her child.  One reason God made men so possessive was to give children fathers.  If a man has a strong emotional, financial, logical, and psychological connection to a woman and she encourages and establishes his possessiveness of her as taught in the Song of Solomon before she gets pregnant, her children will belong to him, too.

The third gift God expects is for a woman to be content to live on her husband’s income so she can stay home and be their mother.  Welfare mothers don’t have to work so long as they keep having children so that they have one young enough to exempt them from finding a job.  Their children have mothers, but not fathers.  The Bible expresses nearly as much concern for the fatherless as for orphans.  Fatherless mobs burned down Detroit and have started on Baltimore.  Women who fail to give their children fathers do great harm to them and to society.

Women who think they can have homes and raise children without pleasing husbands are simply deceived.

A woman who decides she can’t please her husband either gives up and stops worrying about it or dies inside.  In that case, you can see death in her eyes even in pictures.

Most of these problems are the man’s fault.  God set the man over the woman, so the responsibility is his.  As with all gifts God gives, God designed women in a way that holds men accountable for how they treat their wives.

God designed women so that a wife multiplies whatever her husband gives her and reflects it back to him.

Think about making babies.  A man gives his wife one tiny cell.  She nourishes what he gave her within herself and gives him a baby with billions of cells.  Every cell of that baby has his mark in it (Gen. 5:3).  If he gives her a boy cell, she makes a boy, if he gives her a girl cell, she makes a girl.  We reap what we sow:

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.  Galatians 6:7

Wives demonstrate this.  God gave women sensitive emotions so that a she wants her husband to be pleased with her and so that she can tell whether he’s pleased or not.  Her emotions make her into a mirror; she’s not a light.  Give her anger, criticism, unhappiness, she’ll be tempted to use her power to vex his soul to death (Jud. 16:16), multiply his unhappiness, and give all his unhappiness back to him.  If he gives her praise, appreciation, honor, and love, she’ll multiply all the happiness he gives her and fill his house with the light of his joy in her.  Men reap what they sow to their wives, very quickly.

Whatever he feels about her determines how she fills his house.  Sow a boy cell, reap a boy.  Sow a cell of love; reap a house full of love.  The secret for a man to find happiness in marriage is to be happy with his wife so she can multiply his happiness and reflect it back to him.

Conclusion

Marriage works when a husband treats his wife as God’s gift to him according to God’s instructions for leadership and when she acts as God’s gift, pleasing him according to the desires which God put in her to make her a good and perfect gift for her husband.

It’s hard for a man to treat his wife as God’s gift if he expects her to usurp him.  It’s difficult for a wife to act as God’s gift if her husband acts as if he expected her to betray him.  If the leader sets a tone of trust, the family acts in trust; if the father creates an atmosphere of suspicion, the family has a hard time trusting each other and has a hard time trusting God.

Like salvation, marriage is by grace, not by works.  If God treated us as we deserve, that is, according to our works, we’d spend eternity in Hell, but God sent His Son to minister to us and to save us.  Having saved us, having made us the righteousness of God (II Corinthians 5:21), God treats us as having been made perfect in Him.  God loves us for having chosen the path to perfection, lifts us out of the mud when we sin, and teaches ever so gently through the Holy Spirit how we ought to walk (I John 2:27).

Should we treat our spouses according to their works, criticizing for every transgression?  Clearly not, we’re commanded to imitate Christ by serving our spouses, loving them for the glorious state that God is perfecting (Philippians 1:6) and by giving them the same grace that God gave us when He saved us.  Ruling and correcting are not our job, that’s the task of the Holy Spirit (John 14:26).  Thinking ill of another or criticizing usurps the role of the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:4).  God explains the proper way to deal with transgressions (Galatians 6:1, Matthew 18:15-17, Luke 17:3).

God’s gifts must be handled by God’s rules; Israel ignored God’s rules and lost the Promised Land.  A godly wife desires to be led as God commanded.  Tyrannized wives either leave or quit serving.  A man loses his joy in God’s gift when his wife loses her joy in belonging to him.

The LORD bless thee, and keep thee: ²⁵The LORD make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee: ²⁶The LORD lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace. Numbers 6:24-26

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[1] The word “Meet” means “suitable” or “appropriate,” Matthew 27:17-20 tells how a wife tried to help her husband avoid a horrible mistake.  How could a habitual usurper be suitable?  Women don’t always act in the spirit, of course, Acts 5:1-11 tells how a wife failed her husband by submitting instead of protesting when he wanted to sin against God, but God’s promise of her suitability to help him means she isn’t a usurper.

[2] A habitual usurper is a “good thing?”  Giving a man a usurping wife is a “favor of the Lord?”

[3] There are those who say that this refers to the man’s body and instructs a man to honor his body and treat it well.  This is incorrect for 4 reasons:  1) The word translated “vessel” is used in I Peter 3:7 where it refers to the wife as the “weaker vessel.”  A vessel receives; when a man possesses his wife, he gives and she receives. 2) I inhabit or animate my body; I don’t “possess” it. 3) Jesus said that in Christian marriage, they are “no more twain but one flesh.”  There’s only one body in a Christian marriage. 4) Setting a wife apart from all other women is consistent with the husband declaring that his wife is “but one.” (Song 6:9) 5) A man is to love his wife as he loves his own body (Ephesians 5:28)

[4] Although it’s not related to the topic of a woman’s desires, note that in Genesis 3:14, God cursed Satan “above all cattle, and above every beast of the field” and in 3:17 God said, “cursed is the ground for thy sake” before telling Adam that he would eat by the sweat of his face.  Although Satan, cattle, beasts, and the ground were cursed, Adam and Eve were not cursed.  By placing Adam’s struggle to find or grow food at the mercy of weather and many other matters which man cannot control, God built in a reminder that all lives depend on God.  Before mechanical agriculture where men could pump water out of the ground, farmers were dependent on rain to fill reservoirs or water their crops.  Most farmers are highly aware of their dependence on God.