How God Expects us to Relate to Him

Revelation 13:8 speaks of “the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.”  God knew that Jesus, the Lamb of God, would have to be crucified before the world was created.  Jesus knew that Adam would sin and bring sin and death into the world before He created the world.  Jesus knew He would have to die before He created Adam, yet He loved all of us enough to create us anyway!  Long before you or I were born, Jesus chose to die so that His blood could wash away the evil of all my sins, and all your sins, and all the sins everyone else ever committed and lose His close fellowship with His Father.  When He was on the cross,

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?  Matthew 27:46 see also Ps. 22:1, Mk. 15:34

Adam walked with God in the Garden of Eden before he sinned.  After he sinned, Adam could no longer fellowship with God.  In the same way, God could no longer fellowship with His Son Jesus while Jesus was bearing all the sins everyone in the world had ever committed or would commit.

For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.  II Corinthians 5:21

Being separated from His Father as Adam had lost his fellowship with God was much harder on Jesus than the physical pain.  Jesus paid the penalty of spiritual death for our sins so we can accept His free offer of forgiveness, be made the righteousness of God in Him, and get back our fellowship with God.  That is God’s Simple plan of Salvation.  Salvation is simple, but few find the path:

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.  Matthew 7:14

How many people whom we tell about Jesus accept salvation?  Very few.  God knew we would have a hard time with His plan of salvation.  We couldn’t follow two different plans, so He made one plan work for both salvation and for marriage.

To be saved, we choose to die to our former lives and to be born again into a new life serving God.  We no longer belong to ourselves, we choose to belong to God (1 Cor 6:19), and we serve Him gladly because we love Jesus:

Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.  Romans 7:4

Christians are no longer separated from God by sin, we choose to belong to Him in a way that is like the marriage bond between husband and wife.  We choose to become one with Him.  In the same way, Jesus said that husband and wife are no longer two separate individuals after they choose to become one:

And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? ⁶Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  Matthew 19:5-6

To marry, we die to our former individual lives (Mk. 10:8, 1 Cor. 6:16, Eph. 5:31) and start a new family (Ps. 68:6).  To accept salvation, we serve Jesus because our love for Him makes us want to please Him.

For the love of Christ constraineth us; II Corinthians 5:14a

In the same way, our love for our spouse should make us want to please him or her.  In marriage, we no longer belong to our individual selves, we belong to each other and serve each other gladly because we love each other (Phil. 2:4) just as we serve God because we love Him.

How many people whom you tell accept salvation?  How many people do you know who have accepted God’s Simple Plan of Marriage and experience the joy of marriage in this life?  When a couple does that, you will know their love for each other when you see them together.  How many do you know?

Finding God by Relating to God

God gave most people a feeling that there is a God and a sense of wondering about God (Ro. 2:15).  People are curious about God and want some sort of relationship to God.  How many religions are there?  Doesn’t each one offer a different way to relate to the supernatural?

In the same way, most men and women are strongly drawn to the opposite sex.  Men want to relate to women and women want to relate to men.

God’s plan of salvation tells us how to relate to Him, and He made His plan of salvation work for marriage.  God knew that we couldn’t handle two ways to relate.  The Bible teaches that the relationship between husband and wife is a picture of the relationship between God and people.  Husband and wife relate to each other the same way they relate to God.  That relationship is built on God’s love for everyone (Jn. 3:16), but we must choose to believe in Him and return His love in order to belong to Him.

Loving God from the Heart

The command “love the Lord thy God” appears 9 times in the Bible, 6 times in the Book of Deuteronomy and once each in Matthew, Mark, and Luke.  The first time is:

And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.  Deuteronomy 6:5 see also De. 11:1, 19:9, 30:6, 30:16, 30:20, Mt. 22:37, Mk. 12:30, Lk. 10:27

The Bible tells us how to love our God.  5 times, the Bible says, “love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul… (De. 6:5, 30:6, Mt. 22:37, Mk. 12:30, Lk. 10:7)”  De. 6:5 adds “and with all thy might.”  De. 30:6 doesn’t add anything, it’s just heart and soul.  Mt. 22:37 adds “and with all thy mind.”  Both Mk. 12:30 and Lk. 10:27 add “and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind.”  To summarize, we’re to love God with everything we have: Heart, soul, might, mind, and strength.

The list always starts with “heart.”  It’s easier to love God with our minds because we can treat Him as an intellectual matter without involving our feelings or our emotions.  We can’t truly love God without involving our hearts.  Moses warned God’s people that they would be carried into captivity unless they loved God with grateful hearts and appreciated everything He had given them:

Because thou servedst not the LORD thy God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, for the abundance of all things; ⁴⁸Therefore shalt thou serve thine enemies which the LORD shall send against thee, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things: and he shall put a yoke of iron upon thy neck, until he have destroyed thee.  Deuteronomy 28:47-48

They didn’t love God, they didn’t appreciate the blessings He had given them, so He took everything away.  If we aren’t grateful for what God gives, He may take it away, but we tend to take His gifts for granted.  “We never miss the water ‘til the well runs dry.”

Ezekiel told his group of exiles why Jerusalem was about to be destroyed:

Son of man, these men have set up their idols in their heart, and put the stumblingblock of their iniquity before their face: should I be enquired of at all by them?  Ezekiel 14:3

The Jerusalem leaders had given their hearts to idols which they valued over God.  This was so serious that God would no longer hear their prayers for guidance and advice; He would no longer “be enquired of at all by them.”  Centuries later, the scribes and Pharisees criticized Jesus’ disciples for not following traditional eating customs:

He [Jesus] answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. ⁷Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.  Mark 7:6-7

Worship from the heart is vital.  The Pharisees lips said they followed God but their worship was vain because their hearts weren’t involved.  What will a husband think if his wife’s relationship to him is a pure mental exercise without involving her emotions so that she lives with him without loving him?  The Bible tells us how a woman feels if a man doesn’t involve his heart in taking her:

And she [Delilah] said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me?  Judges 16:15a

Delilah was upset that Samson wouldn’t open his heart to her.  He said he loved her, she gave herself to him, but he wasn’t hers.  What good was he to her (Song 2:16)?  Why not get some cash by selling him to the Philistines?  She knew that what’s in a man’s heart defines him.  A man can feed a woman and take care of her material needs but not value her in his heart:

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Eat and drink, saith he to thee; but his heart is not with thee.  Proverbs 23:7

It’s far easier to love God or another person with the mind than with the heart, but love as a mental exercise doesn’t do much good.  That’s why God always put “heart” first.  If we first love Him or our spouses with our hearts, our minds, strength, and might follow.

It’s important to guard our hearts so that we do not become emotionally involved with anything that can become more important to us than God or more important than our spouse:

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23

God expects our minds to be diligent, that is, very careful, to rule our emotions:

He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  Proverbs 25:28

Christianity is a thinking faith, that’s why “mind” is on the list.  Paul spoke of “persuading” men of the truth of the Bible (2 Cor. 5:11).  Once we accept the reality of God on a mixture of thought and faith, we turn our hearts over to Him and the rest follows.

Thy God

Think hard about loving “thy God.”  Once you choose to accept salvation, God becomes your God and you are a member of His family.  In the eyes of God, a wife belongs to her husband and he belongs to her.

Some church people haven’t chosen to belong to God; they aren’t real Christians.  We all know “married” people who haven’t chosen to belong to each other.  They haven’t become one, they aren’t joined in the way God expects.  How many couples truly belong to each other?

If we don’t open ourselves to Him, if we don’t desire that He know us, He can’t really be our God.  We will be rejected no matter what we say or do to act like we belong to Him if we aren’t truly His:

Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. ²²Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? ²³And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.  Matthew 7:21-23

Thine Only God

When you accept God’s offer of salvation and accept Him as your God, it’s exclusive, you may not worship any other God!

Thou shalt have no other gods before me. ⁴Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. ⁵Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; ⁶And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.  Exodus 20:3-6

This passage mentions idols, physical images of men, animals, or whatever people worship.  Anything that you value more than you value God becomes an idol to you.  Some people worship religious leaders.  Others worship money, clothes, the flag, or drugs.  Anything that you value more than God is an idol to you.

Ezekiel said that the leaders in Jerusalem had idols in their hearts; Jesus said that the Pharisees said they worshipped God but didn’t worship Him in their hearts.  They were idol-worshippers.

As with your spouse, you have to value all aspects of God, not just the ones you like.  Some churches preach the "buddy god" who loves everybody so much that he'd never send anyone to hell - repentance and turning from sin aren't needed.  A love-only message is meaningless because it doesn't define sin or tell people that God hates sin (Ps. 7:11b).  How can people seek forgiveness or repent without knowing how much God hates their sins (Ro. 3:10)?

Other churches preach the "bully god" by hammering away on God's holiness without emphasizing His love.  The bully god wrote a bunch of rules in the Bible which the leadership interprets and extends.  The bully god watches your every thought, word, and deed so he can whack you with the pastor's help when you get out of line. No forgiveness for you, miserable miscreant!

Holiness without love is repugnant because it's too harsh. Sinners don't want to hear about holiness alone because they don't want to feel hopelessly bad about themselves.  Showing God's love gives hope and helps sinners accept God's holiness.  Sinners can't understand why Jesus had to die on the cross unless they're taught to cling to His love.

Without knowing God's love, people can't feel confident of His care for us (1 Pe. 5:7) or of His promise never to leave us (He. 13:5). Jesus love for us keeps us following Him because we want Him to be pleased with us (2 Cor. 5:14).  We follow His holiness because we love Him.  You can't have one without the other.  Similarly, your spouse comes as a complete package - you must appreciate and value all characteristics.

Thine Only Man or Woman

Marriage is exclusive.  God expects a man to “possess his vessel,” that is, his wife, in sanctification:

That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;  I Thessalonians 4:4

“Sanctification” means to be set apart.  A man must set his wife apart from all other women by marrying her before taking her.  He must focus his desires on her and her alone (Song 6:9).

Worship is exclusive to God, we worship Him and Him alone.  What is exclusive to marriage?  Sex.  God commands that men and women join physically only in marriage.

Sex defines marriage.  A woman may guide a man’s house without marriage, we have housemaids.  It’s OK for a woman to help raise a man’s children without marrying him, we have nannies and teachers, most of whom are women.  A woman can feed a man without marriage, we have cooks.  She can work with or for a man.  A man and woman may do many things together without being married, but there’s one thing God says they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex.  Sex defines marriage; Isaac and Rebecca were married the moment he took her to wife but not until then.  Promising to marry didn’t marry them; they were married when he took her to wife:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67

Christians worship only the Lord our God, and Christians have sex only within marriage.  Christians must be careful not to value anyone or anything more than we value God.  We can love people to whom we aren’t married, but unmarried love is different and the way we talk outside marriage is different.  The Bible tells Christian men how to talk to people when they aren’t married:

The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.  I Timothy 5:2

Men have to be careful not to let their talk slide toward the emotional and physical connections that God reserves for marriage.  Women must stop talking to a man who seems to be heading toward violating her emotional or physical purity.  It’s OK for men and women to talk with each other as long as they talk as persons and not as men and women.

It’s easy to tell when a conversation that begins person to person starts to stray toward man-woman.  This is very wrong if either party is married.  If they’re both single, the woman must decide whether she might want to marry him.  If so, she must insist that he agree that the goal of being together is to decide whether he and she will marry.

There is no God-honoring reason for man-woman talk between people who are neither married to each other nor considering marriage.  Some cultures assume that it is not possible for a man and woman to talk without impurity.  Men and women are able to converse as people by avoiding man-woman emotions.  The only person in the world whose gender should matter to you is your spouse.

Man-woman talk is dangerous in work situations.  You must please the boss to keep a job.  It’s common for a woman to please a man boss or a man to please a woman boss just a little too much.  This can easily lead to adultery or divorce, but it starts with talk that does not meet God’s standards of purity.

God warns that men shouldn’t get physical with women outside marriage even if they don’t have sex:

Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. ²Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.  I Corinthians 7:1-2

The Greek word translated “touch” includes arousing passion or starting a fire.  Would a man take his mother’s arm in a slippery place to keep her from falling or help his sister put on her coat?  Of course.  Would he try to get his mother or sister sexually aroused?  Of course not.

Anything or anyone which a Christian loves or follows more than God is an idol and God thinks of this as idolatry, or spiritual adultery.  If a husband allows his love for anything – job, hobby, sports, hunting – to be stronger than his love for his wife, she thinks of him as committing emotional adultery.

Difficulties with Loving

Some people have trouble letting themselves love others.  Some are afraid that if they love God enough to be willing to do whatever God tells them to do, God may send them where they don’t want to go.  A man may try to block his emotions for fear that a woman might hurt him.  Jesus faced that problem after He told His disciples to start spreading the Gospel:

Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. ²²And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost:  John 20:21-22

Even though Peter had been given the Holy Spirit, Peter went fishing instead of spreading the Gospel as Jesus had commanded.  Having created Peter, Jesus knew that men can be afraid to admit their feelings for fear of being hurt.  Peter’s fear of hurt blocked him from acknowledging his love (1 Jn. 4:18).

Peter had seen Jesus weep at Lazarus' tomb (Jn. 11:35), he saw Him mourn for Jerusalem (Mt. 23:37, Lk. 13:34) and Capernaum (Mt. 11:23, Lk. 10:15).  Peter knew that if he let God send him as God had sent Jesus, he would be hurt when people he cared about didn’t accept the Gospel.  He wanted no part of Jesus’ sorrow or grief (Is. 53:3-4).

Jesus forced Peter to admit that Peter loved Jesus.  That didn't make Peter love Jesus - he already did – but Peter didn’t recognize his love for Jesus until Jesus brought it to his attention.  Men aren’t always in touch with their emotions, it never occurred to Boaz to marry Ruth, but when she gave him the idea, he thought it was such a good idea he ran out the very next morning and married her (Ru. 3:18, 4:1-11).  The Bible teaches very short engagements.

Once Peter admitted to himself that he loved Jesus, love drove Peter to spread the word (2 Cor. 5:14)!  That’s why Jesus wants us to accept His love for us and our love for Him.  God expects a man’s love for his wife to drive him to serve her and take care of her and vice versa.

Building love takes time and effort.  We express our love for God through prayer, valuing His Word, and letting the Holy Spirit lead us to do the good works that God expects of us (Titus 2:14, 3:8).  Families build their love for each other through open-hearted conversation and cheerful service.

Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.  II Corinthians 9:7

God isn’t the only one who loves a cheerful giver.  Cheerful service leads family members to nourish and cherish each other and other church members:

And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:  Hebrews 10:24

“Love one another” is in the New Testament12 times, but “good works,” which are the result of loving one another (Jam. 2:14-26), appears 16 times!  If a Christian doesn’t love his wife or other church members, if he doesn’t try to take care of others (1 Cor. 10:24, Phil. 2:4), does he really belong to God?

The Breadth of the Word “Love”

The Hebrew language in which most of the Old Testament was written has one word for love, the root ahav (Hebrew: אהב) with the noun ahava, which is as broad an idea as the English word “love.”  Ahav is used for God’s love (Jer. 31:3), human love of God (De. 6:5), love of fellow men (Lev. 19:18), love of a friend (2 Sam. 1:26), love of a woman (Gen. 29:20), sex (Pr. 7:18), and earning money (Ecc. 5:9).  The underlined English words are translated from ahav.

The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.  Jeremiah 31:3

And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.  Deuteronomy 6:5

Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.  Leviticus 19:18

I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.  II Samuel 1:26

And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.  Genesis 29:20

Come, let us take our fill of love [The Hebrew word means “beloved”] until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves.  Proverbs 7:18

Moreover the profit of the earth is for all: the king himself is served by the field.  Ecclesiastes 5:9

The Hebrew word covers as many aspects as the English word “love.”

Love in Marriage and Love of God

The Bible compares marriage bonds with the bond between God and His people.  Worship is unique to God; we worship the One True God and only the One True God.  Sex and married love are unique to marriage, a husband and wife must not have sex with anyone else and must never let their emotions become involved in the same way with anyone else.

We love God fervently.  We love our spouses and we love other Christians, but love between husband and wife is different in intensity and depth from their love for anyone else.  This analogy is used in the New Testament to describe the relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church:

Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honor to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. Revelation 19:7

Old Testament prophets used sexual terms to describe love between husband and wife to express the relationship of God with his people.  Ezekiel chapters 16 and 23 and Hosea chapter 2 describe this comparison.  These prophets compared God’s people being unfaithful by worshiping idols with a wife or husband betraying a spouse by committing adultery.

Jerusalem was worshipping other gods; harlots sell sexual favors instead of giving freely to husbands:

How is the faithful city become an harlot! it was full of judgment; righteousness lodged in it; but now murderers.  Isaiah 1:21

“Espousal” means committing to marry.  God’s people repeatedly promised to obey God and be His people while they were in the wilderness, but had broken their engagement to God.

Go and cry in the ears of Jerusalem, saying, Thus saith the LORD; I remember thee, the kindness of thy youth, the love of thine espousals, when thou wentest after me in the wilderness, in a land that was not sown.  Jeremiah 2:2

Jeremiah listed sins which caused the northern kingdom to be carried into captivity and pointed out that the people of Judah did the same sins.  God is distressed when His people value anyone or anything more than they value Him.  Married people are distressed when a spouse is romantically tied to someone else.

The LORD said also unto me in the days of Josiah the king, Hast thou seen that which backsliding Israel hath done? she is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot. ⁷And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it. ⁸And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also. ⁹And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks. ¹⁰And yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah hath not turned unto me with her whole heart, but feignedly, saith the LORD. ¹¹And the LORD said unto me, The backsliding Israel hath justified herself more than treacherous Judah. ¹²Go and proclaim these words toward the north, and say, Return, thou backsliding Israel, saith the LORD; and I will not cause mine anger to fall upon you: for I am merciful, saith the LORD, and I will not keep anger for ever.  Jeremiah 3:6-12

The Song of Songs Shows How Marriage Works

Scholars debate whether the Song of Songs is literal or spiritual.  The Song cannot describe God's permanent, loving, joyful, and exclusive relationship with His people without also describing the pattern for a permanent, loving, joyful, and exclusive human marriage.  It is both literal and spiritual.

1) The Song begins with the wife praising her husband (Song 1:2).  Men don't seem to understand women well; maybe having a wife praise her husband teaches him how to praise her in a way that she appreciates?  Could praising her husband make a wife less likely to focus on what she doesn’t like?  Feeling appreciated by his wife does make a man want to take care of her and appreciate her.

2) There is no criticism at all in the Song, only praise in mind-numbing detail.  The man and wife are constantly looking for little things about each other to praise and appreciate.  Their praise sounds odd to us, but you can re-word it to make sense for you.  The lesson is that married people need constant praise, support, and affirmation from each other in detail.  Praising God takes our minds off our problems; praising your spouse helps you forget day-to-day annoyances.

3) The husband is totally involved with his wife.  He tells everyone that she's uniquely perfect:

My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song 6:9

He's so focused on her that he doesn't see other women as women, only as people.

4) The wife has the security of knowing that her husband belongs to her:

My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song 2:16

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.  Song 6:3

How should a man behave to convince his wife that he belongs to her?  By opening his heart to her.

5) The wife recognizes and encourages her husband's desire for her:

I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.  Song 7:10

As Ruth accepted Naomi’s advice how to get married (Ru. 3:18), this wife followed her mother’s advice how to stay married (Song 8:2).  Her mother points out that she has far more sexual capacity than he; she can drain off all the sexual energy God gives him.  This convinces him that she belongs to him and makes it hard for other women to get his attention.  If she sends him off to work loaded, on the other hand, he'll be tempted by other women and they might both be burned (Pr. 5:20, 6:27).

The entire Song deals with our human need to be appreciated.  A man can't praise his wife in such detail without paying close attention to her.  Marriages are based on communication; a woman communicates heart-to-heart, a man communicates belly-to-belly.

How many marriages would fail if husband and wife never, not ever, criticized each other and always looked for things to appreciate instead?  That is the essence of the Song.

God Gave Us One Love-Based Way to Relate

We relate to God and to other people in the same way.

Our relationship to God is exclusive – we worship only the One True God.  Marriage is exclusive – husband and wife have sex only with each other and reserve their strongest emotions for each other.

We love God and follow His commandments to please him.  Husband and wife love each other and serve each other to please each other out of love.  Our Christian walk is based on love for God, spouse, family, church members, and everyone else besides.  Love for God comes first, then love for spouse and family.

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.  Matthew 10:37

Although we love other people, men and women must be careful to keep their love for others pure.

God gave us one plan for both salvation and marriage, and He gave us one way to relate to Him and to spouses.  It really is that simple.