What My Wife Told Me Before We Were Married

My wife and I have been happily married since 1971.  It’s obvious to everyone who knows us, and even to most who see us together for the first time.  Years ago, our granddaughter Veronica asked us why we were so happily married.

As we pondered her question, we realized that our answer could make a real difference in her life.  Kids today are subject to all the wrong influences, far more so than when we grew up.  Veronica paid us the compliment of asking how to avoid the road to misery so many travel today.

Roberta and I wanted to make sure we gave the very best advice we could.  We knew that as a girl becomes a woman, the way she manages her relationships with men has a profound effect on how her life turns out.

We realized that the strongest influence on a marriage is how the husband treats his wife.  The way he treats her is based on what happens before marriage, and most of that is determined by how the woman conducts herself.

Before we were married, my wife told me five vital facts about herself.  The truths she gave me became the foundation of our marriage.  We wrote them down for our granddaughter in the hope that she would position herself to be as valued, treasured, appreciated, and nourished as her grandmother.

We put them in a letter to Veronica.  We reviewed it and agonized over it and revised it a number of times.  This is what we sent.  We thought we would post it here, as others might find it helpful.

How She Knew What To Say

About a year before I found her, my wife was planning to marry a man she’d been dating for a while.  He looked really good – youth group leader, served in the church – so she asked God if she ought to marry him.  To her shock and dismay, God plainly said, “No.”

Knowing her distress, the Holy Spirit guided a missionary who knew her friend well to her college.  He confirmed that the flaw God had pointed out would make it a bad idea for her to marry him.  When she asked him about it, he huffed, “That’s the way I am.  If you don’t like it, good bye!” and broke up with her.

A year went by and her friends were marrying fast.  She prayed, “Oh God, please, either send me a husband or make me content without one.”  One day, as she opened her hymnbook, she realized she’d been noticed by a man in the pew behind her.  “Is this my husband?” she thought.  We had our first date in April and married in August.

She’d asked God to choose her husband.  Knowing that I had no idea how to nourish or cherish her, the Holy Spirit led her to tell me astounding things about her.  She was embarrassed by some of what she said and had had no such thoughts before saying them.  This guidance to me was clearly of God.

What God had her tell me became the foundation of our marriage.  Proverbs 31:1 says that Mrs. Lemuel taught her son how to deal with his future wife; mothers are generally better qualified to teach sons how to nourish wives than fathers are.  Working mothers can’t do that because they don’t have time.  It takes a lot of time for a mother to get through to her son because men aren’t inclined to listen to women.  The angel chode Manoah for not accepting what the angel told his wife (Judges 13:13) and Pilate ignored his wife’s advice:

When he was set down on the judgment seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that just man: for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him.  Matthew 27:19

There is a time, however, when a man may listen.  When he’s attracted enough to try to date a woman, his agenda is very well defined and focused.  If he’s drawn strongly enough to her, he may listen as she explains the terms and conditions under which she would enjoy fulfilling his plans.  If he won’t listen, she must walk away because he’ll never pay any closer attention to what she says than when he’s pursuing her.

Every man knows that a woman can give him the joys of heaven, but he also knows that an unhappy woman can give him the torments of hell.  What she said was so reasonable and so workable that I was confident that I could make her happy.  Once I decided that she wanted to make me happy, marrying her was a no-brainer.

Our granddaughter can’t count on a man having been taught by his mother because few mothers have time.  We wanted her to have the words and concepts to tell a prospective mate what God had wanted me to know about sanctifying a wife.  We pray that it works as well for her as for her grandmother.

Dating is not a Game, it’s Serious Beyond Measure

Veronica, my best beloved, you know that the Bible teaches that you were made for your husband, he’s not made for you (I Co. 11:8-9).  That means that even though your role as wife is of critical importance to your home, your husband, as leader, has more influence than you do after you’re married.

God made you to multiply whatever your husband gives you.  Consider babies.  Your husband gives you one tiny cell.  You gather his life force unto yourself, nourish and multiply his seed within you, and bring forth a child with billions of cells.  Each of those cells has the mark of your husband’s DNA (Gen. 5:3).

Similarly, if your husband gives you joy, love, appreciation, praise, and sanctification (Song 6:9), you’ll multiply what he gives you and fill your home with love and light to the Glory of God.  If he gives you anger, criticism, or harshness, Satan will tempt you to multiply that and your house will be filled with anger and pain.

A virtuous wife “openeth her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness (Pr. 31:26).”  A man who’s emotionally involved with you can be hurt terribly by your words even if he won’t admit it.

Real Biblical love is a choice, not an emotion.  Jesus loves in spite of being hurt (Mt. 23:37) and so can a man or woman whose love of Christ strengthens (Philip. 4:13), but why should your words make it hard for your husband to open his heart to you?  How can he trust in you as Pr. 31:11 promises if you often hurt him?

Even though the way your husband conducts himself has the major impact on your life after you’re married, your grandmother and I believe that your conversation and manner of life are of crucial importance in what goes before the wedding.  Your path where God wants you may be different from ours, but as long as you let God lead, He’ll get you where you ought to be.  The wisdom that the Holy Spirit led your grandmother to convey to me as we courted was vital to our walk with God, so I’m sharing it with you for you to share.

Wisdom Your Grandmother Channeled to Me

You’re old enough that the choices you’re making now will affect the rest of your life.  Your theology, that is, what you believe about God, is your most important choice.  What you choose to believe about God determines what you do, and what you do affects how things turn out for you.

You’ve prayed, “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food,” but do you believe it?  Your grandmother chose to believe that God was great enough to give her life and breath and great enough to give His Word to bless her.  She tried to follow the parts she understood and she asked God to protect her to keep her in His path.  She also believed that God was good enough to want her to have an abundant life (John 10:10).

She believed God knew her better than she knew herself.  She believed that if God wanted her to marry, He would give her to a man who would bless her if she let Him choose.  She spent years asking God to work in her heart to make her a Proverbs 31 woman, that’s why she was able to hear what God told her about me.

These two passages became her key to letting God choose her husband:

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.  Proverbs 4:23

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Keeping her heart was the key.  Women can get emotionally involved with very wrong men after which it’s hard to hear the Lord’s warning and pull away.  She tried to keep her heart from me until after I’d married her.  All through dating and up the aisle, she prayed, “God, if Bill isn’t the right man for me, please stop this!”

To make me right for her, God had to teach me how to learn how to nourish and cherish the woman He wanted to give me.  Men are pretty clueless about women.  God worked on me by having your grandmother say some vital, astounding things to me while we were courting and after we were married.

I’m a Treasure Looking for a Husband, not a Toy Looking for Fun

When I first asked her out, she said, “Before you spend any money on me, you should know that I’m looking for a husband.  I’m not looking for fun; I want to get married.  I’m not saying you have to agree to marry me before we go out, but I want you to agree that the purpose of being together is to decide whether you and I should get married.  God made me to be a treasure for some man.  If you aren’t that man, fine, we can part friends, but I’m not a toy.  I don’t want a man to play with me; I want a man to stay with me.”

Putting marriage on the table was part of guarding her heart.  When a woman lets herself “fall in love” with a man who won’t marry her, she’s crusin’ for a brusin’, she’s in for a world of hurt.

When she spoke of my spending money on her, she signaled that she expected me to support her.  In times past, a woman wouldn’t give herself to a man without marriage and she wouldn’t marry unless he’d grown up enough to have a job.  Many modern girls live with guys without marriage and even pay “their share” of the rent.  Your grandmother was letting me know that she wasn’t going to do that.

Every man knows in his heart that a woman can give him the joys of heaven, that’s why men pursue women so fervently.  I was attracted to her, and she tells me she plans to be God’s treasure for her husband!  Although she had no idea what being my treasure would mean, I knew exactly what it would be like to have her be God’s treasure for me.  If she meant that, marriage would be a no-brainer, so I said, “Sure.”

A wife can’t make her husband any happier than he makes her.  God knew I had no idea how to nourish and cherish her.  He had to teach me how to learn how to make her happy so that she could make me happy.  If I couldn’t make her happy, we’d both be miserable.

I want to be Pure at the Altar

On our second date, she told me to dump the other girl I was seeing; she wanted me to focus on her and on her alone.  She then said she wanted to be a virgin on her wedding night.  We agreed that the promises of Proverbs 31 are for a virtuous woman, not the other kind, and that God reserves intimacy for marriage.  She was embarrassed about having said that, but she in effect made me responsible for protecting her purity.  She’d been asking God to protect her all along, now she asked me to help God protect her.

Good thing, too.  Most of my classmates were pretty casual about men and women coming together without marriage.  This discussion gave me the strength to preserve our purity when we were tempted later.

She Called Me “Sir.”

Early in our courtship, she’d occasionally say “Yes, sir” when I addressed her.  Not every time, but as the spirit moved her.  I like that a lot, but we had no idea how important it was.

The Bible teaches you to call your husband “Lord (I Pe. 3:8)” and to reverence him (Eph. 5:33).  This is difficult if you don’t respect him.  That’s why we advise ladies to wait for a man whom they want to call “Sir.”

“Sir” meant she’d respect me in spite of my mistakes.  We’re told to confess our faults one to another (Jas. 5:16).  Men don’t like doing that and they particularly don’t like telling wives things they’re afraid will cost them respect.  Most men ignore Pr. 31:11 and refuse to open their hearts to their wives.  Calling me “Sir” helped me open my heart to her when I realized that God wanted me to belong to her; that’s why God had her do it.

Don’t Fuss At Me

Weeks later, she asked that I never fuss at her.  “I want to love you very much,” she said.  “The more I love you, the more disapproval hurts me.  I won’t be able to love you as much as I want to love you if you hurt me.”

That made sense – the Bible speaks of women as “tender and delicate.”  I didn’t want to keep her from loving me, so I watch what I say.  We didn’t know it then, but God said the same thing:

There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.  Pro 12:18

I needed this too.  A man can be hurt as badly by a woman he loves as a woman can be hurt by a man whom she loves.  We’ve tried always to be sure our tongues are health to each other.  She tries to speak so that the 10-foot area near her is the best place in all the world for me to be, that’s why I like hanging around her.

Talking is More Important than you can Imagine

Just before our wedding, she told me she was really looking forward to being married.  I was too.  I thought we were on the same page, but she went on.  “I really like talking to you.  Once we’re married, we can talk more in a day than we can talk in a week of dating.”

That’s more talking than a man can imagine, she was expecting hours per day!  I’d been talking a lot while dating because we couldn’t do anything else.  I thought once we were married, it would be a done deal and we wouldn’t have to talk about it any more.  As she got marriage on the table, as she asked me to focus my attention on her alone, as she made me responsible for protecting her purity, she told me that talking to her a lot more than I could imagine was an important part of our marriage covenant.

I had no idea how vital this was.  Suffice it to say that a woman can’t follow her husband unless she knows what he wants.  She can’t do what he wants unless he opens his heart to her so that she knows him well enough to know what he wants.  Then she can be sure he’ll be happy with her, which makes her happy.

God made women so that they think very differently from men (Pr. 19:14).  It takes hours and hours of talk before a man can understand what a woman is saying.  If I hadn’t promised to talk to her, I’d probably have been too impatient to communicate with her enough for her to feel that I valued her mind.

Opening my heart to her was scary, but Proverbs 31 says “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.”  God wanted me to know that it was OK to open myself to her.  Opening myself to her made me hers as opening herself to me made her mine.  The Song of Solomon teaches that husband and wife are supposed to belong to each other.  God led her to ask me to promise to talk to her and all that talk made me hers.

I Serve God by Serving You

24 hours after our wedding, she said, “I’ve been thinking about being married to you.”  I thought, “We’re married, what’s to talk about,” but she had told me that talking would be important, so we talked.  “The Bible says God wants me to belong to you, obey you, and submit to you,” she said.  I thought, “Neat-o!  We’re on the same page!” but she wasn’t done.  “I’ll do my best to do that,” she said, “but I’m not doing it just for you.  I’m doing it for God because He told me to.  I’m serving God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”

Whoa.  I thought about that for a long time and I still think about it.  The next day, I told her, “I’ve been thinking about what you said.  God wants me to lead you and take care of you.  The Bible says that anyone who would be first of all must be least of all and servant of all.  If I’m to lead you as God wants me to, I’ll have to lead by serving you.  You said it well – I’ll serve God by serving you because God wants me to serve you.”

You see, oh my best beloved, marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift of God.  The only way to be saved is to die to your former life and be married to Christ.  Your husband won’t deserve your submission, you won’t deserve his giving his life to nourish you; those are undeserved gifts of God’s grace.  God expects married people to serve Him by serving each other and their children.

Jesus said that husband and wife are no more twain, but one flesh.  The only way 2 people can become one is for each of them to die to themselves in favor of their new family.  Each of you must give the other the same love and grace God gave in saving you (I Pe. 4:10).  As Christ chose to love you regardless of your failures, you and your husband must choose to love each other regardless of failure, ‘til death do you part.

As God sees you as perfect, you must treat each other as perfect (II Co. 5:14); you can only do this by the Grace of God.  Watching your husband love you in spite of your failures increases your love for Christ and for him, and vice-versa.  When lost people see you give God’s grace to each other, they’ll want God’s grace.

Salvation is about God giving – for God so loved that He gave….  Your grandmother so loves God that she let God give her to me, I so love God that I let God give me to her.  Our love for each other is based on our love for God.  He must be first.

Just before our wedding, I wrote her a letter, “For God so loved man that He gave him woman, for God so loved me that He gave me you.”  It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me, but I know many wives who don’t belong to their husbands.  Beg God to increase your love for Christ and for Him.  Ask that He help you become a Proverbs 31 woman whether He wants you to marry or not.  Then if God chooses for you to marry, He can give you to a man who’ll treasure you as He treasures you.

And We Lived Happily Ever After

I told you, oh my best beloved, that although your role is important after you’re married, your husband has more influence on your happiness than you do.  Having told you how God led your grandmother to prepare us both for marriage, it’s time to tell you why our marriage has worked out as well as it has.

First, your grandmother actually let God give her to me.  When we first came together on our wedding night, she was terrified because God gave her a deep, frightening desire to belong to me and to serve me.  Nobody had warned her of this, but she’d prayed for years that God would work on her heart to prepare her for marriage; this had to be from God.  She clung to her faith that God was good and prayed, “Lord, You must want me to belong to Bill.  That doesn’t make sense, but if that’s what You want, I’ll do my best to submit to him and to belong to him.”  That’s why she was able to tell me she planned to serve God by serving me.

It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t belong to me.  When I stood at the altar and vowed to God that I’d give up my right to pursue all the other women in the world and focus my masculinity on her alone, I expected her to be mine.  To show that I’m not unusual, look at “the heart of her husband…” (Pr. 31:11)  The Hebrew word is “Ba-el.”  “El” means “god” as in “el-shaddai” or “elohim.”  “Baal” appears in the Old Testament as the name of a deity.  It could be translated “Lord” or “god;” Jehovah’s Witnesses use “owner” in Pr. 31:11.

Consider the Japanese word “shu-jin” which is translated “husband.”  “Jin” is “person;” “shu” is “Lord” as in “Shu yesu kiristo;” Lord Jesus Christ.  Shujin is literally “lord person.”  A Japanese wife can’t refer to her husband without calling him “Lord;” it’s built into the language as in Eph. 5:33.  My possessiveness is normal.

Many women honor their husbands with their lips (Mt. 15:8, Mk. 7:6) without honoring them with their hearts.  If your grandmother had done that, I would have been deeply hurt and deeply disappointed.

I would also have been deeply ashamed which would have harmed my health (Pr. 12:4).  Very little shames a man worse that having his wife not be his; I know of two heart attacks where such shaming was involved.

Because your grandmother chose to let God give her to me, however, her happiness became my happiness.  Proverbs warns 5 times that an unhappy woman is a hardship (19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15), but the opposite is true, too.  When she was happy, life was good.  When she was happy with me, life was very good.  When she was happy in being mine, I got the taste of the joys of heaven that I’d expected when she told me God had made her to be a treasure.  Being a practical engineer, I started learning how to make her happy.

I had another reason to study her.  I’d heard many men complain about women, and they complained about the same things.  When I told her, she told me her friends had said, “He may love you, but he won’t like X, Y, or Z about you once you’re married” and they named the same things my dorm mates had disliked.

This disagreed with my theology.  I had always thought that God was good and had written her “For God so loved me that He gave me you.”  She had told me she was a gift from God, the Bible said that (Pr. 18:22, 19:6), and I knew that God give good and perfect gifts (Mt. 7:11, Jas. 1:17).  Therefore, and this was my crucial insight, all those men who had disliked those characteristics which were common to women were wrong.  Those traits were not defects; God had made women that way on purpose to bless men.

I told your grandmother that we’d work to explore her nature.  Anything that was true of most women was intended to bless all men; any trait unique to her was to bless me because God had chosen to give her to me.  If I couldn’t understand how or why something blessed me, it was my problem, not God’s, and we’d wrestle with it until we figured out just how it blessed me.  I treated it an engineering problem.  To build a strong bridge, I’d better understand the nature of concrete and steel; to build a strong marriage, I had to understand her nature.

With that understanding, she was happy to look into herself to explain her characteristics to me.

God commands that a husband dwell with his wife according to knowledge (I Pe. 3:7).  My learning how she blessed me not only made her happy, it helped me obey God.

I also wanted to know how she was like other women and what was unique to her.  When she’d say, “My friends feel that way,” I’d conclude most women were like that.  Sometimes it was, “I don’t know anyone like that,” for things unique to her.  At other times, she’d have to ask; her friends either agreed with her or didn’t.

This was another area where my engineering mind led me to obey God.  God commands that a husband know how to possess his wife in honor and sanctification (I Th. 4:4).  “Sanctification” means “set apart,” God expected me to know how she was the same as other women and how she was God’s special gift for me.

Read the Song of Solomon carefully.  The husband praises his wife in mind-numbing detail.  This is because he’s paid attention to what’s unique about her so that he can appreciate it.  He says that she’s “but one,” (6:9) which means he’s sanctified her by setting her apart from all other women.  She says 3 times that she belongs to him (2:16, 3:16, 7:10).  In 7:10, she says, “his desire is toward me.”  She knows how badly he wants her, and if you read 8:2-3, you’ll find that she likes belonging to him just as your grandmother liked belonging to me.

In all this talking about her emotions, skills, her feelings, and other characteristics, I ended up opening my heart to her rather often.  This was as frightening to me as her opening herself to me had frightened her, and I ended up belonging to her as she belonged to me.  God designed us so that opening his heart to a woman makes a man belong to her; opening herself to a man makes a woman belong to him.

It’s not enough for a man to have a woman belong to him.  Solomon owned 1,000 women (I Ki. 11:3 7/3).  They were his property and had to do what he told them.  There was none of this “I’m not in the mood” or “I have a headache.”  This sounds like a masculine paradise, but how did it work out for Solomon?

Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found.  Ecclesiastes 7:27-28

Solomon owned a thousand women, yet his soul was empty.  Why?  They women belonged to him, he could command as he wished, but he could not make them like it.  Instead of having a woman enjoy belonging to him as his first wife had, he had 1,000 unhappy women running around the palace.  No wonder his soul was empty.

This was Solomon’s fault.  His first wife was “but one,” and she liked belonging to him.  He had time to talk to her enough to open his heart to her which made him hers.  You see, oh my best beloved, it’s nearly impossible for a woman to like belonging to her husband unless he not only belongs to her, he likes belonging to her.  Belonging to her requires that he open his heart to her.  So much talk takes so much time that a man can’t possibly belong to more than one woman.

As I said earlier, your grandmother strives to make her words health to me.  I can open my heart without fear that she’ll hurt me, which keeps me belonging to her.  I started talking to her in this way because I’d promised and as a by-product of wanting to understand how God had designed her to bless me.  It took 20 years of talk, but we can explain how the characteristics my dorm mates disliked about women actually bless them.

The bottom line, Veronica, is that you can’t make your husband any happier than he makes you.  Your happiness is greatest when he likes belonging to you.  As a side benefit, opening his heart to you will teach him all kinds of ways to make you happy if he pays attention.  The happier he makes you, the happier he will be.

What Drives Men to Marry?

Many women say they want to marry, but the way they behave makes it doubtful that any man will want to marry them.  The New York Times published “Sex on Campus – She Can Play That Game, Too,” which argues that women are as eager to participate in casual “hookups” as men are.

At 11 on a weeknight earlier this year, her work finished, a slim, pretty junior at the University of Pennsylvania did what she often does when she has a little free time.  She texted her regular hookup — the guy she is sleeping with but not dating.  What was he up to?  He texted back: Come over.  So she did.  They watched a little TV, had sex and went to sleep.

The Times called the woman “A” because she didn’t want her name used.  A doesn’t particularly like this man, but he’s a handy sexual partner.  She isn’t looking for a deeper relationship because she doesn’t have time:

“I positioned myself in college in such a way that I can’t have a meaningful romantic relationship, because I’m always busy and the people that I am interested in are always busy, too,” she said.

A values building her resume and her career over finding a husband.  She plans to spend the next decade or so on career development and marry in her mid thirties.

“Ten years from now, no one will remember — I will not remember — who I have slept with,” A. said. “But I will remember, like, my transcript, because it’s still there.  I will remember what I did.  I will remember my accomplishments and places my name is hung on campus.”

Sex means so little to A that she doesn’t expect to remember all the men she’s slept with.  She gives herself to men she doesn’t like because they’re good in bed.  Given her history and the fundamental importance of sex, why does she think that any man would want to marry her?

Sex Defines Marriage

Since the dawn of history, sex has defined marriage.  A woman may guide a man’s house without marrying him, we have housemaids.  It’s OK for a woman to raise a man’s children without marrying him; we have nannies and teachers, most of whom are women.  A woman can feed a man without marriage; we have cooks.

A woman can work with or for a man.  A man and woman may do just about everything together without being married, but there’s one thing tradition says they must not do outside marriage, and that’s have sex.

Commitment followed by sex defines marriage.  Generations ago, the Bible taught that their commitment meant that Isaac and Rebecca were married without benefit of clergy of any kind when he took her:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.  Genesis 24:67

Mrs. Schwarzenegger had no problem with her husband hiring a woman to help her keep house and help her raise her children.  When it came out that her husband had fathered her house cleaner’s child, however, she divorced him immediately.  In her mind, marriage meant that he could have sex only with her.

Mrs. Schwarzenegger came from the Kennedy family whose members aren’t famous for sexual fidelity.  Despite this background, she was so certain that her husband should have sex only with her that she left him over an affair that had happened years before she learned of it.

Sex Makes Marriage Happen

The driving force of marriage has been known for generations.  Jacob worked for Rachel’s father for seven years.  He saw her regularly; they ate together, talked together, and did things together.  Why wasn’t this enough for him?  Why did he want to marry her?

And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.  Genesis 29:21

Jacob wanted to marry Rachel so he could have sex with her; custom required marriage before sex.  Jacob wasn’t the only man in the Bible who married so that he could have a woman.  Consider Boaz:

Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day.  Ruth 3:18

Naomi said that after Ruth came back from the harvest celebration and told Naomi “all that the man had done to her.”  Why, “will not be in rest”?  Married women know why the man wouldn’t be in rest until he’d finished the thing that day.  Have men changed at all?  Here’s what Ruth had said to Boaz:

I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid; for thou art a near kinsman.  Ruth 3:9

Boaz didn’t think of marriage until Ruth asked him to marry her, but once she mentioned it, he thought it was such a good idea that early next morning Boaz runs out, gets witnesses, tells them he’s marrying Ruth, and then what?  “So Boaz took Ruth, and she was his wife” (Ruth 4:13) even though Ruth didn’t attend her own wedding.  What drives men to marry?  There’s no doubt at all, men want sex.  A man wants many things besides sex, of course, but sex is what drives him to marry.

A Man’s Goal in a Relationship

You see a young man with a young woman, she’s often wearing his jacket or shirt; she’s testing to see if he’ll keep her warm and safe.  She wants a man to protect her, take care of her, talk to her, and appreciate her as God’s unique gift to him.

What does he want?  He wants to have sex with her.  If she lets him have sex without marrying her, he’s less likely to marry her and won’t value her as much if he does marry.  Proverbs 31 teaches that a virtuous woman’s price is beyond calculation.  If a woman gives herself to a man without a commitment from him, she’s set her price very low because she’s cost him nothing.  Why marry a woman who’s worth so little?

What could be more basic?  Naomi told Ruth not to give Boaz rest, Boaz wanted Ruth badly enough that he couldn’t be in rest, so he took her to wife that day, what’s simpler than that?

Few women understand that a man has two possible reactions to sex.  If he doesn’t love her, if his desire is pure selfish lust (I Th. 4:5), having sex with her may make him feel contempt for her as Amnon hated Tamar after raping her (II Sam 13:15).

If he loves her, however, physical joining increases his love for her (Gen 34:3); that’s why it’s sometimes called “making love.”  A woman can tell when a man’s interested in her but the only way she can tell if he cares enough that they’ll be making love instead of just having sex is for him to marry her first.

Many a woman has let a man bed her because she thought he cared for her.  If a man truly cares for a woman, he won’t take her outside marriage because fornication harms her.  When a woman gives herself to man who isn’t committed to her, she usually ends up feeling betrayed.  This makes it harder for her to trust her husband enough to give herself to him as freely as he expected when he married her.

A man who takes a woman without commitment may live with her until she becomes burdensome or has a baby, or he may reject her after having her as Amnon rejected Tamar.  If a woman gives a man rest without marriage, if he can have her without making a commitment, what’s left to drive him to marry her?

It’s important to understand the good that comes from a man’s physical desire.  Most women complain that it’s hard to give gifts to husbands, sons, or brothers.  Why?  It’s because men don’t want anything.  That’s not quite true, men do want something, but what?  What do men want?  What desires did God design into men?

God knew what He was doing.  God planned for women to guide the house, which costs money.  God made men so that if a man’s wife is pleased to belong to him, that is, he can have her whenever he wants her and she lets him know she likes being his by thanking him for taking her, he doesn’t want much else.  Then they can spend his income on the family.  If he can’t have her as often as he wants her, he spends money on toys trying to make himself happy.  Ecc. 2 teaches that that won’t work, but it’s the best he can do if his wife isn’t his.

A’s Mistake

A has had so many sex partners that a potential husband will have trouble trusting her to be faithful to him.  After all, she repeatedly rolled in the hay with men she didn’t like because they gave her a good time.

When God brought Eve to Adam, did He have to say, “I'm sorry you didn't like any of My animals.  Here's someone I whipped up out of leftovers.  Why not talk to her, you might like her?”  Did God have to say that?

And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.  And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.  Genesis 2:22-24

The very first words Eve heard from Adam were a bit possessive.  Adam said Eve was part of him, she belonged to him, he could have her whenever he wanted her, that’s what “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” means to a man.  Men haven’t changed one jot since God brought Eve to Adam - men are possessive of their wives.  God made women for men (I Cor. 11:9) so very well that they’re worth having.

Adam called Eve “woman.”  Did he ask her what she wanted to be called?  He later named her Eve.  Do men put labels on women?  Who takes whose name?  Have men changed?

There’s a reason men are so possessive.  If a man cheats on his wife, she may feel betrayed as Mrs. Schwarzenegger felt betrayed, but unless he spends so much money on the other woman that he can’t feed her or her children, he won’t put her genetic survival at risk.

If a woman betrays her husband, on the other hand, he may raise other men’s children and be bred out of the gene pool.  Natural selection favors jealous, possessive men who keep other men away from their women.

What’s more, the social climate has changed.  Society used to criticize men who took women without marrying them.  Now, with no-fault divorce, a wife can leave her husband at any time for any reason or for no reason.  If she leaves, the courts award her the children, alimony, child support, and much of his property.  Marrying a woman makes it possible for her to trash him financially.

Marriage is now no more than a piece of paper; her character is his only protection against financial disaster.  Suppose she says she wants marriage but has sex without it.  If she’s willing to have sex without marriage, marriage means little to her.  Her actions demonstrate that what she says about valuing marriage is a lie.  Why would a man risk his finances to a woman who lies about something so fundamental to marriage?

Having his Baby

Surveys of couples who’re living together show that the woman believes they’ll be married “in a year or two,” but that the men don’t think they’ll ever marry.  A woman may get tired of waiting for “next year” that never comes and decide to have his baby to get him to marry her.

Having a man’s baby doesn’t make a man love her enough to marry her.  When Laban tricked Jacob into marrying Leah instead of Rachel, Leah thought that giving him a son would make Jacob love her:

And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years. And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.  Genesis 29:30-35

It took three sons, but Leah finally realized that having Jacob’s babies wouldn’t make him love her.  Even Abraham, father of both Jews and Arabs and honored by both, didn’t marry all the women who had his babies:

But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country.  Genesis 25:6

Abraham got at least two women pregnant besides his wives.  Did he marry them?  No, he sent them away.

Giving her Child a Father

Men don’t really understand where babies come from.  A man may have heard about birds and bees, but deep down in his heart, he’s awed and confused by pregnancy and birth.  Men say, “She got pregnant” – reproduction is so mysterious and so miraculous that men don’t really believe they have anything to do with it.

The pill puts a woman in control of getting pregnant because she can stop taking it without telling him.  She can have an abortion without asking him.  Given that he has no say whether a child is conceived or whether it lives or dies, why should a man care about a baby if it should happen to be born?  It’s hers – it was her idea, she chose to keep it, and she had it last.  What has the child to do with him?

Women have known about men’s reluctance to acknowledge children for generations.  Women used to build up social forces and customs promoting marriage and responsibility.  Now that the societal safety net has broken down, a woman has to demand that a man take responsibility by marrying her before she has sex.  It’s really simple – just say, “No, and I won’t marry you unless you have a job.”

Saving sex for marriage makes it easier for a man to trust her.  If she can resist him, the man she wants to marry, he won’t worry as much about her having other men’s children.  Once they’re married, if she encourages him to take her often (Song of Solomon 8:2-3), if she looks up and says, “That was wonderful, I like being yours.  Let’s do that again as soon as you can,” if she thanks him for his seed, he’ll know she’s his.

Insurance companies have known for decades that married men live longer than unmarried men.  Being without a woman is so bad for men that God arranged that most men die before their wives.  If she points out, “We could do that more often if you were in better shape,” she’ll give him a reason to exercise.  That will lengthen his life and shorten her widowhood.

His possessiveness benefits her.  It’s so broad, so all-encompassing, that once she’s his, everything about her belongs to him, including her children and her happiness.  He’ll find that making her happy makes him happy because her happiness belongs to him.  Spending money guiding the house makes her happy and spending money that way makes him happier than anything else.  That’s how God planned marriage to work; why would a man dedicate his life to nourishing and cherishing a woman who wasn’t his?

An Exception to the Rule

Experience shows that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who don’t.  “But,” you may ask, “What about Prince William and Catherine?  They’re obviously very much in love, and they lived together before they got married.”

For one thing, Catherine didn’t have his baby until after they were married.  If a woman stops taking pills and gets pregnant without her partner’s agreement, he’ll know she’s manipulating him.  Few men respond positively when women use sex for manipulation.

There are two other reasons why William wanted to marry Catherine.  First, we can see from the way she reacts when he touches her that she very much belongs to him.  She not only acknowledges his possessiveness, she supports it and upholds it.  She likes belonging to him.  That’s important to a man.

Her showing publicly that she belongs to him honors him before all men.  Proverbs 12:4 says, “A virtuous wife is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”  There is no shame that rots a man’s bones as badly as a woman who won’t belong to him.

Second, the documentary about their courtship said that shortly after they met, she found out that he felt trapped in his royal role.  He didn’t think he had much choice in what he’d be permitted to do.

She encouraged him to decide what he wanted to do and then do it.  After discussion, he decided he wanted to fly helicopters.  He took lessons and ended up flying rescue missions.  Doing something worthwhile that he enjoyed made him happy and rescuing people generates favorable publicity for the royal family.

Ever hear, “Behind every successful man, there’s a woman?”  Kate helped him figure out what he wanted to do and encouraged him to do it.  Gaining some understanding of the troubles his subjects get into will make him a better king.  Kate’s help is an example of what the Bible means in describing a virtuous woman:

She openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness.  Proverbs 31:26

Kate proved that she was a sensible, loyal woman who’d help him do whatever he chose to do.  A woman can give a man a taste of the joys of heaven by belonging to him.  If she also helps him grow up into the best he can possibly be, she’ll be valued indeed.  Nothing straightens up a man like having a woman lean on him.

It’s no surprise William married Kate – his heart can safely trust in her because she does him good and not evil (Pro 31:12).  Given her loyalty and her valuable help, the surprise would be if he hadn’t married her.

Wanting to Marry

Something draws men and women together in spite of all the hurt they inflict on each other.  What drives a man to pursue a specific woman?  Some Enchanted Evening put it, “Fools will give you reasons; wise men never try.”  Many American valentines have pictures of a naked kid with wings and an archery set.  This represents Cupid whom the Greeks invented to explain the inexplicable.  When Cupid’s arrow plinks a man, he falls madly in love with the next woman he sees and nobody can explain it, not even him.

Women agree that men are clueless about women.  Therefore, every woman should think about how a man might decide to marry her.  It’s simple.  If he can have her without marrying her, she’s a bad girl and he shouldn’t marry her.  If she won’t unless he marries her and she won’t marry unless he gets a job to support her, she’s a good girl and he’ll marry her if he wants her badly enough.

Making him wait for sex gives him time to learn the many non-physical gifts God gave her and gives her time to find out if he’ll enjoy opening his heart to her in talk.  She values his opening his heart to her when he’s not in the mood to talk as much as he values her opening her body to him when she isn’t in the mood for that.

The only way two people can be “no more twain” as Jesus commanded (Mt. 19:6) is for each of them to die to their former individual selves in favor of serving the other.  The marriage has a much stronger foundation if he finds reasons to marry her besides sex and if he learns that he can safely trust his heart in her (Pr. 31:11) before committing himself.

To paraphrase George Bernard Shaw, “Love is the conviction that one woman is different from all the rest.”  The husband in the Song of Solomon speaks of his wife as “but one (Song 6:9),” he knows she’s unique.  The Proverbs 31:18-19 husband teaches his children that his wife is better than all the other wives in the world.

Boaz explained why Ruth was unique – “all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman (Ruth 3:10)”.  Boaz trusted Ruth because she wasn’t sleeping around.  Ruth took care of her mother-in-law instead of abandoning her as most widows would have, so he knew she’d take care of him.  He saw her work hard all through the harvest and took care of her by offering her food, water, and protection (Ru. 2:9, 14).  Ruth was a loyal, God-fearing, hardworking, virtuous woman who wanted to marry him.  What’s not to like?

In older novels where marriage was a side issue instead of the main plot, a woman responded to a man’s proposal by saying, “Yes, I will make you happy.” A young lady who had been taught what men expected indicated her willingness to do it in that manner. Nowadays, neither party knows what to expect which is why so many marriages fail.

What about A?

A isn't looking for a husband.  If she waits until her thirties to consider marriage, most men who’re inclined to marry will already be married, some for the 2^nd or 3^rd time.  Any remaining marriage-minded men will be put off by her sexual history.  She hasn’t tried to be unique – A treats men like interchangeable sexual appliances and acts like an interchangeable sexual appliance herself.  Her history of treating sex as meaningless recreation will make it hard for her to see her husband’s drive to bed her as a compliment – she’s likely to see it as oppression and turn him away when she’s not in the mood.

God limited a man’s sexual capacity.  If a wife absorbs all the sexual energy her husband can generate, it will be hard for other women to get his attention.  If, on the other hand, she sends him off to work with his shirt soaked in gasoline, he’ll be tempted to get too near a fire and they’ll both be burned (Pr. 6:27-28).

A man’s desire not to raise other men’s children has been bred into him since God invented natural selection.  How can any man trust her not to take up with someone who’s better in bed and breed him out of the gene pool?  Unless she decides to imitate Kate and prove her virtue by putting her energies into helping a man with his career instead of advancing her own, she’ll have a hard time finding a man who’s worth marrying.

Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him.  A’s given herself to so many man that it will be hard for any man to think of her as God’s gift to him.

Instead of positioning herself as the treasure God intended her to be, she’s turned herself into a toy.

Hope for A

All is not lost for A.  Salvation promises that “all things are become new.”  Jesus told the woman taken in adultery, “Go thou and sin no more.”  True repentance means seeing the sin the same way God sees it and stopping.  God gave women who’ve committed sexual sins a way to be clean:

And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.  Hebrews 9:22

If a woman repents of her sexual sins, the blood of her next cycle purifies her.  The emotional damage will take time to heal, of course, but confession and stopping cleanse her.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  I John 1:9

It will take time for a reformed A to convince a man that she’s ready to be loyal and faithful to him, but if she’s truly saved, the difference between the old A and the new A will be visible to all, including prospective husbands.

Why Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for his wife

When I sailed to Kiniwata in the Pacific, I took along a notebook.  I filled it with descriptions of flora and fauna, native customs and costumes.  The only note that still interests me says:  “Johnny Lingo gave eight cows to Sarita’s father.”  I’m reminded every time I see a woman belittling her husband or a wife withering under her husband’s scorn.  I want to say, “You should know why Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for his wife.”

Johnny Lingo wasn’t his name; that’s what Shenkin, the guest house manager, called him.  Shenkin had a habit of Americanizing names.  But Johnny was mentioned by many people in many connections.  If I wanted to spend a few days on the neighboring island of Nurabandi, Johnny Lingo could put me up.  If I wanted to fish, he’d show me where biting was best.  If it was pearls I sought, he’d bring me the best.

The people of Kiniwata spoke highly of Johnny Lingo.  Yet they smiled, and the smiles were mocking.

“Get Johnny Lingo to help you find what you want and let him do the bargaining,” advised Shenkin.  “Johnny knows how to make a deal.”

“Johnny Lingo!”  A boy seated nearby hooted and rocked with laughter.

“What goes on?”  I demanded.  “Everybody tells me to get in touch with Johnny Lingo and then breaks up.  Let me in on the joke.”

“Oh, the people like to laugh,” Shenkin said, shrugging.  “Johnny’s the brightest, strongest young man in the islands.  And for his age, the richest.”

“But, if he’s all you say, what is there to laugh about?”

“Only one thing.  Five months ago, at fall festival, Johnny came to Kiniwata and found himself a wife.  He paid her father eight cows!”

I knew enough about island customs to be impressed.  Two or three cows would buy a fair-to-middling wife, four or five a highly satisfactory one.

“Eight cows!” I said.  “She must have beauty that takes your breath away.”

“She’s not ugly,” he conceded, “But the kindest could only call Sarita plain.  Sam Karoo, her father, was afraid she’d be left on his hands.”

“But then he got eight cows for her?  Isn’t that extraordinary?”

“Never been paid before.”

“Yet you call his wife plain?”

“It would be kindness to call her plain.  She was skinny.  She walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked.  She was scared of her own shadow.”

“Well,” I said, “I guess there’s just no accounting for love.”

“True enough,” agreed the man.  “That’s why the villagers grin when they talk about Johnny.  They get satisfaction from the fact that the islands’ sharpest trader was bested by dull old Sam Karoo.”

“But how?”

“No one knows and everyone wonders.  All the cousins were urging Sam to ask for three cows and hold out for two until he was sure Johnny’d pay only one.  Then Johnny came to Sam Karoo and said, ‘Father of Sarita, I offer eight cows for your daughter.’”

“Eight cows,” I murmured.  “I’d like to meet this Johnny Lingo.”

The next afternoon I beached my boat at Nurabandi.  I noticed as I asked directions to Johnny’s house that his name brought no sly smile to the lips of his fellow Nurabandians.  And when I met the slim, serious young man, when he welcomed me with grace to his home, I was glad that from his own people he had respect without mockery.  We sat in his house and talked.  Then he asked, “You come here from Kiniwata?”

“Yes.”

“They speak of me there?”

“They say there’s nothing that you can’t help me get.”

He smiled gently.  “My wife is from Kiniwata.”

“Yes, I know.”

“They speak of her?”

“A little.”

“What do they say?”

“Why, just.....”  The question caught me off balance.  “They told me you were married at festival time.”

“Nothing more?”  The curve of his eyebrows told me he knew there had to be more.

“They also say the marriage settlement was eight cows.”  I paused. “They wonder why.”

“They ask that?”  His eyes lighted with pleasure.  “Everyone in Kiniwata knows about the eight cows?”

I nodded.

“And in Nurabandi everyone knows.”  His chest expanded with satisfaction.  “Always and forever, when they speak of marriage settlements, it will be remembered that Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for Sarita.”

That’s the answer, I thought: vanity.

But then I saw her.  I watched her enter the room to place flowers on the table.  She stood still a moment to smile at the young man beside me.  Then she went out.  She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin, the sparkle of her eyes all spelled a joy to which no one could deny her the right.

I turned back to Johnny Lingo and found him looking at me.

“You admire her?” he murmured.

“She ... she’s glorious.  But she’s not Sarita from Kiniwata,” I said.

“There’s only one Sarita.  Perhaps she does not look the way they say she looked in Kiniwata.”

“She doesn’t.  I heard she was homely.  They all make fun of you because you let yourself be cheated.”

“You think eight cows were too many?”  A smile slid over his lips.

“No, not at all.  But how can she be so different?”

“Do you ever think,” he asked, “what it must mean to a woman to know that her husband has settled on the lowest price for which she can be bought?  Women boast of what their husbands paid.  One says four cows, another six.  How does she feel, the woman who was sold for one or two?  This could not happen to my Sarita.”

“Then you did this just to make your wife happy?”

“I wanted Sarita to be happy, yes.  But I wanted more than that.  You say she is different.  This is true.  Many things can change a woman.  Things that happen inside, things that happen outside.  But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself.  In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing.  Now she knows she is worth more than any woman in the islands.”

“Then you wanted--”

“I wanted to marry Sarita.  I loved her and no other woman.”

“But--”  I was close to understanding.

“But,” he finished softly, “I wanted an eight-cow wife.”

Condensed from WOMAN’S DAY magazine fiction feature - Nov. 1965 By Patricia McGerr

 ---------------------------------------------------------------

Every man knows that a wife can give him the joys of heaven on earth.  Few men are as wise as Johnny who understood God’s teaching that a man should praise and uphold his wife to receive the joy God intended:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.  Proverbs 31:28-29

Children don’t praise their mothers unless their father does it.  Johnny not only told his wife he valued her, he proclaimed her price “far above rubies” to all the world as taught in the Song of Solomon:

My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her.  Song of Solomon 6:9

A woman is a mirror, not a light; she multiplies whatever her husband gives her.  A man gives his wife one tiny cell.  She multiplies his seed within her and gives him a baby with billions of cells.  Every one of her child’s billions of cells bears the mark of her husband’s DNA (Gen. 5:3).

Johnny gave Sarita unshakable confidence that he treasured everything about her and that he valued her above all else.  God made women for men (I Corinthians 11:8-9).  A woman desires to have her husband be pleased with her (Gen3:16).  Being valued by Johnny made Sarita happy.  The joy and happiness he gave her multiplied in her, made her beautiful, flowed out of her, and filled her surroundings with love and light.

The price for a “best wife” was 5 or 6 cows.  By going so far beyond that, Johnny said that his wife was far beyond the best.  Her happiness in belonging to him brought Johnny honor – he was “known in the gates.”  Local people who knew her honored him; those who didn’t understand mocked him.

We don’t buy wives in America, but a man can make his wife feel like a treasure by praising her, thanking God for her, and thanking her for being willing to let God give her to him.

Johnny may not have known that God made women as a favor to men (Pr.18:22) or that God knows how (Mt. 7:11) to give good and perfect gifts (James 1:17), but he knew that he had to honor his wife to receive the blessing God intended.  God gave Handel and Mozart great musical gifts.  They labored to develop their gifts and blessed us as Sarita blessed Johnny.  How could she bless him?  He treated his wife as God’s precious treasure; she became God’s precious treasure.  How many have neglected God’s gifts and lost the blessing?

I’ve seen men give wives criticism, bitterness, discouragement, anger.  The Bible warns 5 times (Pr. 19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15) that an unhappy woman multiplies unhappiness no matter how she tries to keep sorrow to herself.  When a man sows unhappiness to his wife, it’s no surprise that he reaps a house full of pain.

This works both ways, of course.  Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.”  If a couple’s words are health to each other, they’ll always want to hear what the other has to say.  How can anyone love a spouse who inflicts daily hurt?

Johnny honored, praised, and sanctified his wife (I Thessalonians 4:4); everyone knew she was the most valued, most treasured wife in all the islands.  Being convinced that her husband thought so highly of her gave Sarita the emotional strength to enjoy belonging to Johnny.  This gave him a taste of the joys of heaven on earth, just as God planned.

A woman gives a man joy by multiplying the happiness gives her and reflecting his joy in her back to him.  God created women so that a woman can give her husband a taste of the joys of heaven, but she can’t make him any happier than he makes her.

Marriage Should Bless Both Parties

One reason there’s so much talk about gay marriage is that many people believe that traditional marriage has failed. The Christian divorce rate is outrageous even though Christians know that God intended that one man and one woman should marry for life. People see that we can’t handle this life, why should they care what we say about the next life? Divorce wrecks our testimony and dishonors Christ, so it’s important for you to know how to help people fix their marriages.

When someone's lost in the despair of sin, we present "God's Simple Plan of Salvation" which can turn a life around immediately if people believe it. Similarly, "God's Simple Plan of Marriage" can turn a marriage around immediately if people believe and apply it.

At the time my wife and I were married in 1971, most of our friends and colleagues were already divorced. We had a good marriage but we didn't know why ours worked when so many others didn't. We started reading the Bible and talking to people to figure out how God had intended marriages to succeed. We started from three assumptions:

1) God created men and women so that we could be very happy in marriage. Nobody gets married with the intention of being miserable. Since God, the bride, and the groom all want the marriage to succeed, when a marriage goes bad, SOMETHING WENT WRONG.

2) God gave us the Bible to help us understand how to relate to Him and to each other, studying the Bible would help us understand God's plan for marriage.

3) Applying God's plan for marriage would fix whatever had gone wrong and turn a bad marriage around.

It took us more than 30 years, but we've finally figured out that God has a simple plan to make marriage work. This blog gives our understanding of God's plan and explores various topics which feed into successful marriage.

God's Simple Plan of Marriage
describes how we believe God intended marriage to work. Marriage is a lot simpler than it's made out to be.

Are You God's Friend?
It's difficult to relate properly to your spouse without having a proper relationship to God. A man who sees God as a bully is likely to bully his wife, a woman who sees God as a bully is likely to resent her husband no matter how he tries to nourish and cherish her. This paper explores the way God desires that His people relate to Him.

The Holiness of Marriage
This paper explains why marriage should be considered to be a holy act ordained by God. Modern society treats marriage far too causually.

How Ruth Found Rest in the Home of Her Husband
explains how Ruth used Naomi's advice to find a good marriage and shows how today's young ladies can learn from her example. It's a rare young lady who knows what having a man in her life costs. Many women get involved with men who aren't worth the cost and end up walking out. Assuming he doesn't beat her, the main difference between a good husband and a bad husband is that a good husband treats his wife well enough that she doesn't mind what he costs her. This paper helps a woman understand the cost so she can wait for a man who's worth her life.

The Perils of Premature Perception and Proclamation of Pairing
Pairing off too early places young people at risk.

Toy or Treasure?
American society teaches girls to act like toys. When Janet Jackson performed at the 2003 Super Bowl, she let a man chase her, nuzzle her, and rip her clothes off. President Clinton and Kobe Bryant treat a woman like kleenex - honk in her and throw her away. Boys throw toys away when they get tired of them.

A woman who'd rather a man stay with her than play with her has to take the initiative and explain that she doesn't want to be a toy. If all he wants is toys, he can find lots of other women, but if he won't treat her as a treasure, she should walk away. This paper explains the issue in more detail and suggests how girls can insist on being treated as treasures.

What Do Women Want?
explains what women desire from marriage. A woman who doesn't know what she wants isn't likely to get it and she surely can't explain her needs to her husband. If she explains before they get married, he can decide whether he'll be able meet her needs and part friends if he can't. If he won't listen, of course, she should have nothing to do with him.

Discussion Points for Couples
Few young people have any idea what the other gender expects from marriage. This paper is a collection of one-liners which are intended to encourage discussion. The more discussion of inter-gender issues before marriage, the better it works out.

What Evolution and History Teach About Marriage
One of the first comments about this blog was a request to analyze marriage from an evolutionary and historical point of view. Leaving out the Bible gives the same answer; both history and evolution show that long-term survival is most likely when marriages have long-term stability.

Biblical Leadership
gives examples of leadership from the Bible. The better our leadership skills, the more we can accomplish.

God Tells You How To Prosper
discusses what the Bible says about making money. There are two reasons this topic is relevant to succeeding in marriage:

1) Many marriage problems can be traced to a lack of money. While this is usually caused by selfishness in that both parties want to spend the money on their own needs instead of on family needs, making more money can help.

2) Bible teaching about making yourself more valuable to a boss helps you be more valuable to your friends and to your spouse. Being a better, more cooperative person helps your marriage.

God's Simple Plan of Marriage

One reason there’s so much talk about gay marriage is that many people believe that traditional marriage, that is, one man married to one woman for life, has failed. Christians divorce as often as the unsaved; we’re no better at being married than the lost. If Christians can’t handle this life, and divorce means we can’t, why should anyone care what we say about the next life? Our divorce rate wrecks our testimony and dishonors Christ, so it’s important for you to know how to help people fix their marriages. The first step is to show that marriage should be too wonderful to describe:

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: the way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19

The way of a man with a maid, that is, marriage, is so wonderful that one of the wisest man who ever lived, could not describe it. Even under the inspiration of God, all he could say was, "I know not."

Marriage should be wonderful, this man is so glad to be coming home to be with his wife that he’s skipping:

The voice of my beloved! behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills. Song of Solomon 2:8

He’s rushing home, that’s where he wants to be. She misses him so much that she’s ill when he’s away:

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am sick of love. Song of Solomon 5:8

God says that marriage should be wonderful. The Bible also says that the bride and groom want it to work:

But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I Corinthians 7:32-34

God says that married people want to please each other. God created men and women so that marriages should work:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14b

"Prudent" means thinking ahead. This verse teaches that a woman’s prudence, that is, the way she thinks, is of God. Men, God made your wife’s mind the way He wanted it, don’t mess with her mind, changing her is the Holy Spirit’s job, not yours.

Here’s one key to successful marriage, this is part of Proverbs 31 which tells how to be a wonderful wife. Preachers point out that there are few Proverbs 31 women, but what about Proverbs 31 men? What’s the one duty of a husband according to Proverbs 31?

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28

God teaches that men are supposed to praise their wives. Being praised by her husband and children makes a wife happy. But this verse from Ecclesiastes is the clincher. Ecclesiastes says that nothing a man does to have fun or live a worthwhile life works:

I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit. Ecclesiastes 1:14

Solomon listed many things that won’t give you joy:

I said in mine heart, Go to now, I will prove thee with mirth, therefore enjoy pleasure: … I sought in mine heart to give myself unto wine … I made me great works; I builded me houses; I planted me vineyards: … I got me servants and maidens … I gathered me also silver and gold … Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labor that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun. Ecclesiastes 2:1-11

Solomon tried it all, he found that there’s nothing you can do to make yourself happy, with one exception, and that’s marriage:

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labor which thou takest under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9 ***

Solomon taught that God-given marriage gives joy. Music, hunting, TV, sports, it’s all vanity. All you have in this life, men, is your work and your wife, that’s it. Other interests can become a form of adultery. When God’s people "go a-whoring after other gods," He calls it adultery. When a man values sports, or hunting, or any other activity more than he values his wife, she thinks of it as adultery.

That’s Mere Logic

God wants marriage to be joyful, but that’s a mere fact. By the time people are unhappy enough to talk to you about marriage trouble, they’re usually too emotional to care what God says. You have to lead them past the emotion back to the fact of God’s love and the logic of marriage. After you give scripture about God designing marriage to be a blessing, ask about good times in their marriage. Everybody has some. Don’t let them be negative! There were good times, the marriage can work. Ignore problems for the moment:

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. I Cor. 10:13

No matter how bad the marriage seems, no matter how strong the temptation to divorce, God promises a way to escape!

Then you have to find out which God they serve. There are two false gods worshipped in our land: the bully god and the buddy god. The bully god wrote a bunch of rules in the Bible to keep people from having fun and watches all the time so he can whack you if you get out of line. A man who thinks god’s a bully tends to bully his wife no matter how she tries to please him, a woman who believes in the bully god thinks her husband’s bullying her no matter how he tries to nourish and cherish her.

The buddy god, in contrast, is so loving that he’d never send anyone to hell or let anyone suffer trials. People who believe in the buddy god don’t honor God’s holiness or take His principles seriously. They have trouble submitting their will and their pride to God’s plan for marriage. This pleases Satan and causes God a great deal of pain:

O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever! Deuteronomy 5:29 ***

The Children of Israel were griping about leaving Egypt. God wanted to bless them but they wouldn’t follow. The true God loves us and wants to bless us. His rules help us find happiness but His justice demands that we walk with Him out of love. Obeying God to earn His favor is idolatry; God wants us to choose to follow Him out of love as He wants husband and wife to serve each other out of love. Works-based salvation where people try to earn God’s favor is idolatry, works-based marriage where people try to earn love is whoredom. You have to get past the emotion caused by frustration in marriage and shift the focus to praising God for the good times and for His grace and goodness. Rejoicing in the Lord is step 1 in rejoicing in marriage, rejoicing in your spouse is step 2.

How to be happy in marriage

God didn’t just want happy marriages, He also told us how to do it. The book of Ruth teaches women how to get married; the Song of Solomon teaches men and women how to stay married, but His ways don’t seem reasonable, we have to obey by faith:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. Isaiah 55:8

Salvation doesn’t seem reasonable either. Many people reject Gods plan of salvation and go to hell. Many reject God’s plan of marriage. Anyone who rejects God’s plan of salvation spends eternity in hell, there’s one way to go to heaven but many ways to go to hell. People who reject God’s plan of marriage can create their very own torment right here on earth.

God says marriage should work, the bride and groom want it to work. So why do so many marriages fail? Hosea 4:6 says that God’s people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. God said a great deal about marriage but people aren’t being taught how to be married. Marriages fall apart through ignorance, God’s plan for marriage can turn a couple around in a few days if they repent and do it.

One obstacle to fixing a marriage is that people get discouraged and give up. That’s why you have to show that God intended marriage to be a blessing. Then ask, "When you married, did you expect to be miserable or to be happy? Did you expect your spouse to be miserable being married to you?" The answer’s, "No," nobody expects anyone to be miserable in marriage to him or her.

Now the key question. God wants all marriages to be good, you and your spouse wanted your marriage to be good, you’ve had good times, but you say it’s not working. Isn’t it clear that something went wrong?

That’s the key, the person must admit that something went wrong. Here’s where you must avoid blame. If you say, "Nobody taught you, there’s no way you could’ve known, but God says…" you give the person a path to change. A man can go to his wife and say, "I didn’t know you needed…" and start to meet her needs; a woman can do the same.

A person can’t accept salvation without believing that something’s wrong, repenting, and changing, a person can’t fix a marriage without believing that something’s wrong, repenting, and changing. When something’s wrong with your body, you ask the doctor to help you fix it, you don’t throw it away, but lots of people throw marriages away even though that’s not God’s will:

God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land. Psalm 68:6

God meant marriage to liberate you from the chains of loneliness. His warning about rebellion is clear—the Bible says marriage is for life, does anyone divorce without damaging themselves and their children? Why did God create marriage? What’s in it for God?

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm 127:3 ***

There is joy in marriage. A wife delights in having her husband want to open his heart to her, to hear her thoughts, to set her apart, and to use her knowledge and skills in their daily lives; a husband delights in having his wife want to open her body to him. There’s joy for the husband and wife, but God planned families primarily as a safe place for children to grow up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. God wants children to be taught about His love, that is, His nurture, and about His holiness, that is, His admonition. God desires that each child have both a mother and a father so that both sides of His character can be taught.

Divorce damages children who are God’s reward. It’s better to fix the marriage you’ve got than to rebel against God, but when a marriage is in trouble, the couple needs help to get back on God’s path. To help fix marriages, you must show how marriage works.

How Marriage Works

To understand how marriage works, let’s see how marriage began:

And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:15-24 ***

There are interesting points here. First, God gave Adam a job before He gave him a wife. Ecclesiastes 9:9 says that a man’s portion is his work and his wife, that goes back to the beginning. A man should have a job before getting married. Second, God knew that it was not good for Adam to be alone. God could’ve made Eve right away, but He waited until Adam named all the animals without finding a help meet. God waited until Adam knew he was lonely before making Eve. And what happened? Adam claimed her on the spot, saying, "Want that! Gimmie!" Have men changed since Adam? Adam not only claimed Eve, he said she was part of him and named her "woman." Did Adam ask Eve what to call her, or did he just tell her? Have men changed? No, that’s how God made men.

Look beneath the surface, there’s lessons here. First, God waited until Adam knew loneliness. Adam was so lonely that he claimed Eve immediately. Girls, it’s not a good idea for you to chase a man, it’s better to wait for him to claim you as Adam claimed Eve. Second, and more important, what did Adam do to earn Eve? Did he ask for a wife? No, God recognized Adam’s need and gave him a wife. Men, I Corinthians 7:27 commands, "seek not a wife," wait for God to give you one. You can pray for a wife, but wait.

Did God owe Adam a wife? No, God owes no man. Did Adam earn Eve? No, she was a gift of God. Everybody knows a wife is a gift of God. Go to a wedding, some old geezer comes in with the bride, what’s he doing? He’s giving the bride away, she’s a gift. Luke 17:27 says, "they married wives, they were given in marriage…" Wives aren’t earned, wives are given as gifts from God:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

a prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14b

Many women feel it’s politically incorrect to belong to a man, but the wife in the Song of Solomon says twice "I am my beloved’s" (6:3, 7:10), she not only belongs to her husband, she’s happy about it. Whose are you anyway? To whom do you belong?

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. I Cor. 6:19-20

Saved women have been bought by the blood of the Lamb, they belong to God. If you belong to God, women, shouldn’t it be OK with you for God to give you to your husbands? Being a wife and mother is a vital ministry. God created women to be wives:

For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. [She was taken out of him, he wasn’t taken out of her.] Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. I Corinthians 11:8-9

This verse has been twisted to say that a husband should command his wife, but that’s wrong, God wants a husband to nourish, cherish, and love his wife as Christ cares for the church. People must understand this. God created a wife for her husband, he’s not created for her, so she’ll know him better than he knows her, she’ll care more about pleasing him than he cares about pleasing her, she’ll understand him better than he understands her but he has to try. The wife doesn’t take a husband, the husband takes a wife, but he’s to open his heart to her, hear what she has to say, and take her in honor, commitment, and sanctification, as we’ll see later.

What did Adam do to earn Eve? Nothing, he didn’t earn her, it’s whoredom when a man tries to earn a wife. A man’s not worthy of his wife’s submission, she’s not worthy of his nourishing and cherishing her, marriage is a gift of God by grace, just like salvation.

That’s God’s Simple Plan of Marriage. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s gracious gift to him and she acts as God’s gracious gift to him, but there are details you’ll have to teach. Let’s see what the Bible says about handling God’s gifts:

Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:8-11

God gives gifts as parents give gifts. Parents give children many gifts—books, toys, clothes, food. These gifts are conditional, parents get upset when children misuse gifts. I’ve heard, "You left your bike in the rain, you can’t ride for a week." Gifts come with strings attached, children must use gifts correctly or they lose the gifts. When a husband makes his wife unhappy, he loses the blessings of marriage. James 1:17 says God’s gifts are perfect and Eph. 5:20 commands us to give thanks for all things. Men gripe about wives’ emotions, talkativeness, and many other features. Men, God made your wives for your good. Just because you don’t understand how her emotions bless you doesn’t mean they aren’t good. Thank God for her emotions, husband, they bless you!

The Bible teaches that a wife is a gift of God, women are made for men. Genesis 3:16 teaches that a wife desires to belong to her husband and to know that he’s happy with her. It should be no surprise that the Bible also teaches many conditions God attaches when He gives a woman to a man to be his wife. What’s the key condition to making God’s gift of marriage work?

Only Praise

The answer is as simple as salvation. Salvation is two words, "only believe," that’s all there is. The way a husband loves his wife so that she can be God’s gift to him is two words, "only praise," that’s all you have to do. "Only praise," that’s all, no criticism allowed.

"Only praise?" That’s all it takes? Where’s that in the Bible? Didn’t Jesus warn about seeking the praise of men?

Yes, Jesus did say that we shouldn’t do things just so men would praise us, but He didn’t tell us not to appreciate others. Proverbs 27:2 says, "Let another man praise thee…" so we should praise other people, and husbands are commanded to praise their wives:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Proverbs 31:28 ***

Children don’t praise mothers unless fathers teach them, children learn to praise by watching fathers praise. Being praised by her husband and children is part of her marriage covenant. Praise is the gasoline which makes a woman go. There’s a saying, "Man may work from sun to sun, woman’s work is never done." What’s worse, woman’s work is always the same. A farmer’s work changes with the seasons, but washing, diapers, cooking, and cleaning are forever the same. How can wives do this day after year after decade? They’re fueled by appreciation, praise is the gasoline which makes women go.

The Song of Solomon shows how this works. The man praises his wife in mind-numbing detail. He praises the shape of her nose, her eyes, her teeth, her lips, her breasts, everything about her, in detail. A man can’t praise a woman effectively without knowing her well, he can’t know her without talking to her. His talk and praise make her feel loved so that she delights in his delight in taking her. And she does delight in his taking her, 8:3 says, "His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me."

There’s a subtlety, the Song of Solomon starts with the woman praising the man. A wife has to teach her husband how to praise her, men can be pretty clueless about what women want. When I first went shopping for my wife, she was surprised. She said, "Why’d you buy this?" I said, "You wanted beans." "I wanted green beans, these are kidney beans." She wanted tomato sauce and I got tomato paste. Women are more into details than men are, a woman simply can’t follow a man unless he explains all the details.

If he says, "Let’s go on a picnic," her mind fills with questions—how long will we be gone, do we need swimsuits, should I take toys, how many meals, and so on. The man’s likely to want to forget the whole thing, but that’s unfair, a woman must know details to make the picnic work. Over time, she’ll learn what he means by "picnic" and things will go smoothly if he tells her what he wants.

My wife could’ve gotten angry when I messed up her shopping list, but she spoke kindly to me and taught me how to care for her. I wasn’t totally ignorant, I knew it was better to make her happy than to make her unhappy, I received her teaching and loved her for it. Women, if a man tries to help you and you fuss at him, he’s less likely to help you next time, it’s better to teach him how to make you happy than to fuss. The way to do this, wives, is to praise your husbands so they’ll learn how to praise you.

As for learning from my wife, God commands husbands listen to their wives and act on what their wives tell them:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

You’ve taken medicine where the label says, "Use according to directions?" That means read the directions and do what they say. How does a man dwell with a woman "according to knowledge?" He listens to her, talks with her so that he knows what she’s saying, and acts on what she says. God is serious about telling you to listen to your wife. If you don’t use medicine according to directions, you might die. If a man doesn’t dwell with his wife according to knowledge, if he doesn’t give her honor, his prayers are hindered. Men, if you don’t listen to your wives, your prayers bounce off the ceiling!

Please understand, "listen" doesn’t mean, "obey." A man must listen to his wife and learn from her, which means reaching for her point of view. He hasn’t heard her until she understands him. When my wife’s satisfied that I’ve listened to her and that I’ve explained my thoughts to her, she’s almost always content with what we decide because she’s been heard, she knows why. It’s not a matter of she wins if we do what she suggests or I win if we use my idea, the point is to work together to figure out what’s best for the family. A man and wife are "no more twain, but one flesh," (Mark 10:8) the key is to talk enough to find out what’s best for the one.

Salvation is a gift of God, guys, but you must receive it God’s way or you won’t get the blessing, you can’t earn it. A wife is a gift of God, guys, but you must teach other men to receive their wives God’s way or they won’t get the blessing, a man can’t earn it.

God doesn’t expect a man to understand his wife, He expects him to know her. Our quilt has a tag in a corner. My wife believes that the tag must be at the foot of the bed in my corner. She says the quilt isn’t square and one side has to be up. She gets out of bed and turns on the light and turns the quilt to get the tag to the right corner, then she turns the quilt above it so its tag is in the right place and so on and so on. She can’t sleep if the tag’s wrong.

Do I understand this? I do not. But I know it, I know where she wants the tag, so I put the tag where she wants it. This makes her feel loved for two reasons: a) she doesn’t have to move the quilt, and b) she knows it makes no sense to me, she knows I don’t care, she knows I do it just for her. When a man does something just to make his wife happy, she likes it, it makes her feel loved, which, done many times per day, makes her glad to belong to him.

You heard me, I said "many times per day," women need huge amounts of praise because God did a super job designing their emotions so that they need praise from their husbands. But if a man keeps a woman happy by listening to her and praising her on her terms, guys, she shines love and happiness all around her wherever she goes. A man expects his wife to welcome him into her body several times per day, she expects him to welcome her into his heart several times per day. Her drive to hear his praise and for him to appreciate her talk is as important to her as his drive to take her is important to him. He expects her to meet his need to take her, shouldn’t he meet her need for conversation, praise, and appreciation?

Jesus said if we love Him, we’ll keep His words. If a wife says she likes vanilla ice cream and her husband brings chocolate, does he love her? The tricky part about praising your wife is knowing her well enough to be sure she’s pleased by your praise.

Suppose a man says, "The living room looks good. It’s about time it got cleaned." That’s a slam, men, that’s not praise, he’s saying his wife’s lazy. When company comes, a husband may say, "Oh, we’ll have something good to eat." That’s a slam, men, it suggests that her cooking usually isn’t good. Men, women are different from you, a man must let his wife teach him how to praise her, that’s part of dwelling with her according to knowledge of her.

Women have to help, men can be pretty clueless. Consider the quilt. My wife could’ve said, "If he loved me, he’d know how I want the quilt" but that’s like saying, "If he loved me, he’d flap his arms and fly to the moon." God said I wanted to please her, however, so she taught me how to please her by showing me the tag. I still can’t tell which way’s up on the quilt but the tag, I can find. If a woman nags, her man may decide that he can’t please her no matter what he does and give up. That’s why it’s "only praise."

There’s no criticism at all in the Song of Solomon. The wife praises her husband up one side and down the other, and he praises her. There’s no criticism at all. The Bible teaches, "only praise." Salvation is "only believe," not "believe plus something else." Marriage is "only praise," it’s not "praise plus criticism," or "praise where she deserves it, criticism where he needs it," it’s "only praise." Praise makes a man enjoy talking to his wife and it makes her enjoy belonging to him.

The only places where a wife criticizes her husband is when Abigail kept David from murdering Nabal by telling David that he wasn’t the sweetest guy in the world and where Michael criticized David for dancing. I know of no other passages where a wife criticizes her husband and I know of nowhere in the entire Bible where a man criticizes his wife, if you find any, please tell me.

The Bible is for our learning, we’re told to learn from the examples in the Bible. The Bible lights your path like a flashlight, but you have to turn it on. Without God’s word, you aren’t ready to help people with marriage. But now you know what to say when someone wants to fix a marriage, the Bible teaches that it’s "only praise." This works for children and church members, too.

Some people say "I have the gift of seeing problems," but being negative is the old man, it’s in the flesh, that’s what you put off with salvation. Praise, gratitude, sanctification, love, longsuffering, and honor are fruits of the spirit which a man must give his wife.

Guys, do you deserve salvation? No, salvation is by grace, you deserve the punishment of hell. Do you deserve your wife’s submission and her comfort? No, you don’t, your wife is a gift of God, given you as a favor from God:

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

Do you believe what the Bible says about salvation? Do you believe what the Bible says about wives? You don’t deserve a wife any more than you deserve salvation, she’s a gift from God. You should thank God for giving her to you and thank her for being yours.

Commands to Women

We’ve seen how God expects a man to appreciate his wife as God’s gift, which requires that he praise her and talk to her so that he can live with her based on knowledge of her needs. What about God’s plan that the wife be God’s gift to her husband? Here it is:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24 *** Stay here!

Wives don’t just obey blindly, there’s discussion. Abraham didn’t just accept what God said, he bargained with God about how many saved people it would take to save Sodom and Moses asked God not to destroy the Jews in the desert. God appreciated the interaction. Men, this comes just before a passage which requires you to love your wife as Christ loves the church, we’ll see that in a minute, but let’s look at what men believe what this says about women. A man tends to interpret the passages about "one flesh" and the teachings on submission to mean that he can have his wife whenever he wants her. That’s a huge burden for women.

Deuteronomy 21:14 and Ezekiel 22:10 say that a man humbles a woman, that’s part of the cost of having a man in her life. Women suffer painful, itchy infections which can be life threatening. From when she’s a little girl, she’s taught, "Be clean, or you’ll get an infection." And a man expects his wife to let him mess with that part of her whenever he wants? It’s messy. It’s invasive. It’s intrusive. The Bible says it’s humbling. And worse than that, men, it’s boring.

Boring? How can the most wonderful thing in all the world be boring? Simple. The Bible says,

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

God did not say, "it is not good that the man should have unfulfilled desires," God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone." A married man need never be alone because his wife yearns to talk to him. She married him because she liked talking to him, she expected that they’d talk a lot more after they were married. The Bible suggests that talking is more important to God than taking, but the man thinks that once he’s married, it’s a done deal and he doesn’t have to talk about it any more.

God gave women a drive to talk to keep men from being alone, a woman’s drive to talk to a man is as strong as his drive to take her. There are many reasons why God gave women a drive to talk, let’s just say that a woman’s drive to talk is of God and that listening to her talk bores most men. You can explain that a man wants to take his wife five times before breakfast and then he’ll be back for lunch, I Corinthians 7:5 says it’s fraud if she doesn’t. God is just, a man reaps what he sows. If a man sows neglect of his wife’s need to talk to him all the time, he’ll very likely reap her neglect of his need to take her. A woman’s a mirror, not a light, she reflects whatever her husband gives her. If he gives anger and criticism, she’ll multiply it. If he gives love, acceptance, and praise, she’ll multiply it and fill the entire house with love and light. A woman’s a mirror, not a light, and her husband primes her pump.

God is just. If a wife’s drive to talk bores a man, why shouldn’t his drive to take her bore her? Men are bored that their wives want to talk about the same old thing over and over, wives are bored that their husbands want to do the same old thing over and over. It’s new and different and wonderful to the men each time, but it’s the same old thing to the wives.

Men, comforting you is messy, and humbling, and invasive, and boring. And it gets worse. When taking a woman, men get so focused, men get so fervent, that she may think, "He’s not paying attention to me, I could be any woman, it would make no difference to him." If a woman feels like an interchangeable sexual appliance, how is she going to enjoy belonging to her husband?

Sanctification of Wives

God commands husbands to know their wives well enough to set them apart, especially in bed:

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: I Thessalonians 4:3-5 Note: There’s disagreement about the meaning of this verse, see the context.

"Sanctify" means "set apart." The only way a man can set his wife apart is to listen to her and get to know her well enough that she’s "but one" to him as in the Song of Solomon. He must know what makes her different from all other women, or he hasn’t sanctified her. But if he does, their marriage shows Christ’s love for the church, which is the best way to win the lost.

What separates men from animals? Human beings communicate. Men who take a woman without communication, men who possess without knowing whether they’re doing right by her or knowing who she really is are no better than beasts. It’s worse than that, the Bible says "not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God," taking a woman without sanctifying her is being like those who don’t know God. How does a man know if he’s sanctified his wife? I Timothy 5:2 says to treat younger women as sisters. If a man’s attracted to other women, if he can’t treat other women as sisters, he hasn’t sanctified his wife. His wife should be "but one" to him, he’s not supposed to notice other women as women, if he does, he should spend more time with her.

Women understand this. If a man hasn’t sanctified his wife, if he hasn’t listened to her, she feels that any woman would satisfy him. This makes her feel like a whore. Being taken is always humbling; being taken by a man who hasn’t sanctified her is humiliating. And sanctifying her requires that he talk to her enough that she knows he’s set her apart from all other women.

Men, being taken is messy, humbling, invasive, boring, it can be humiliating, and there’s one other cost, being taken by a man makes a woman feel dependent. God made women for men. He made their emotions so that when a man takes a woman, she feels dependent on him, she loses her independence and feels that she belongs to him. This makes sense. God wants children to have fathers, one way to help children have fathers is to design women so that a woman clings to the man who takes her.

Men, comforting you is messy, humbling, invasive, boring, it can be humiliating, and it wipes out her independence. Belonging to her husband costs a wife a lot. Why, then, does the woman in the Song of Solomon delight in it? Why did Sarah gladly call her husband, "Lord?" What did their husbands do so that these women were happy to belong to their men? What are modern men not doing?

They aren’t praising. They don’t dwell according to knowledge, they aren’t sanctifying. The Song of Solomon teaches that a wife should rejoice in being God’s gift to her husband, but the husband has to treat her as God expects or he loses the blessing. The Song teaches men to praise in detail, but some of the language is a bit old-fashioned. Here’s a modern way to praise a wife, "I enjoy talking to you, your ideas and your way of looking at things always help us figure out what to do. I hope we can talk again soon." The corresponding praise from a woman is, "Thank you, my husband, I like being yours. Let’s do that again as soon as you can."

Loving as Christ the Church

Besides praise, listening, and sanctification, God also tells men to love their wives:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33 ***

The Greek work translated "love" is "agape," which is an active verb. Agape is not an emotion, a man does agape to benefit his wife as an act of will. God designed a woman’s emotions to draw her to her husband; God expects men to decide to care for their wives as Christ cares for the church. Men are to serve, nourish, and cherish their wives as Christ serves, nourishes, and cherishes His church.

In speaking of His people in John 10:29, Jesus said, "My father who gave them me…" We Christians are God’s gift to Christ in the same way a wife is God’s gift to her husband. How did Christ love the church? He gave His life for us. Remember the tradition, "Women and children first?" Although it’s a man’s duty to die for his wife if the occasion requires, Christ generally calls a man to live for his wife. As Christ will present His church to himself "a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle," a husband should help his wife to develop her gifts, draw on her talents, and help her grow to become the "glorious wife" God intended her to be.

Calling him "Lord"

The passage about loving as Christ loves the church ends by saying that the wife should reverence her husband. This troubles most women I know, but I’ll tell you a secret—it’s more of a burden on a man than on a woman. What? Telling wives to reverence their husbands burdens the men? It sure does. Here’s a similar passage which we’ll use for clarification:

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. I Peter 3:1-6 ***

This teaches women to dress modestly and shows that a man can be won "without the word," that is, without criticism, by his wife’s behavior. That’s another way of saying "only praise." Calling a husband "Lord" praises him. Verily I say unto you, ladies, calling your husband "Lord" is an effective way to praise. How do I know? When we were dating, my wife started saying, "yes sir" when I addressed her. Not every time, only as the spirit moved her, but it sure made me feel worthwhile. Nothing makes a man stand like having a woman lean on him. A couple of our teen girls heard her, they were astounded to hear a wife call her husband "Lord."

I reminded them that God gave them wombs in which He plans to form children who will come forth from their bodies in the image of God. The Bible says that God created men and women in His image, but young ladies don’t seem to think of their babies as being born in the image of God. "A baby’s important," I said, "if you don’t feel the urge to call a man ‘Lord,’ why have his baby?"

For all it shocks young ladies to think of calling their future husbands "Lord," this is a greater burden for men than for women.

So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you? Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. Jn 13:12-15*

Foot washing was the dirtiest, lowliest job around, worse than cleaning toilets, diapers, or carrying out the garbage. Our Lord washed His disciples’ feet to show us how to serve one another. Being called "Lord" means we’re to do the nasty jobs. There’s more:

But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many. Mark 10:42-45 ***

Who’s the chiefest in a marriage? Ephesians 5:23 says that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. We call Christ "Lord," He ministers to us, He gave His life as a ransom for us. The husband is head of the wife, she calls him "Lord," he serves her and ministers to her as Christ serves and ministers to the church. Being called "Lord" puts the man under great obligation.

What’s worse, men, we know we don’t deserve to be called "Lord," women honor us only by God’s grace. We don’t care for our wives properly, we don’t minister to them enough. Being called "Lord" reminds us what we should be. If a wife honors her husband and calls him "Lord" from her heart in love, she can encourage him to be conformed to the image of Christ.

How Marriage Works

Here’s a one-verse summary of how God planned that marriage should work:

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. Genesis 24:67

A husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church and she comforts him. Isaac supplied the tent, a bride joins her husband’s family and takes her husband’s name as Eve called herself "woman" because that’s what Adam named her. Christ loves all sinners, but it doesn’t help unless a sinner knows Christ’s love. A wife has to know her husband’s love to be able to comfort him, the only way she can know his love is for him to choose to be eager to talk to her enough to get to know her well enough to praise her and sanctify her. A man can flatter a woman until after they’re married, but afterward, he has to learn to appreciate her in truth.

Here’s the bottom line, folks. The Bible teaches that husband and wife should praise each other and never, ever criticize. That may not seem reasonable, but salvation isn’t reasonable either when you think about it. And get this:

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart ... Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward. Psalm 19:7,11

Folks, you now know how to show anyone that God wants every married person to taste the joys of heaven right here on earth. God planned that marriage should bring joy, but you must do it God’s way. God’s formula may not seem reasonable, but there’s great reward. Marriage prospers when a man treats his wife as God’s precious gift to him and she acts like God’s precious gift to him, marriage prospers when both parties thank each other and praise each other and appreciate each other as they thank and praise and appreciate God. Have an attitude of gratitude. "Only praise," that’s God’s Simple Plan for Marriage, nothing else works as well.